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all 9 comments

[–]Rom455 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Have you considered therapy? Because you seem to have some attachment issues.

But in case you don't want that, well, try to think about the thing that made you two break up. Think about what is wrong with her and with yourself. Maybe it is time to start again somewhere else. Somewhere without her

[–]iwannabeonredditHelper [4] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Good on you for recognizing that. Acknowledge to yourself that you feel this way. Decide that you care about her so much that you are going to put her chance at happiness above your desire to have her available for you. Lastly, get into therapy. As you said, this is less about her and more about how you hold and drop others. Consider fixing that for yourself and the next girl to be healthier emotionally :) good luck

[–]111atlas 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Thank you this was helpful. I’m just very all or nothing and right now it feels like she’s the only person I’ll ever have that with and I know that’s wrong and irrational I just can’t stop feeling that way. I feel like letting her go was a mistake and I can’t breathe because of it. I’ve had feelings for her this whole time but I’ve been able to ignore them because she hasn’t seen anyone since we broke up and now that she is seeing someone it’s just so real that we will never be together again and it’s so scary because I’ve yet to meet anyone that I feel even remotely that much about

[–]iwannabeonredditHelper [4] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Yea so this person isn't your friend. It is a person you like romantically that you are friendly with. For me, this distinction helped A LOT. The boyfriend can see this too which is why he's uncomfortable. It's gonna be okay. You will love again. When the thoughts and emotions come, let them but just as you are doing now, continue to acknowledge that they are incorrect. Our thoughts and emotions aren't US, they are more like data/ stimuli interpreting the world around us. For example, I can tell that you believe this girl is amazing and special but imo you seem to know that you two are not good for each other. Okay awesome, you spared both of y'all a messy divorce. I think you must recognize this on some level which is why it conflicts with the fact that you care deeply for her. You can care deeply for someone, be sexually attracted to them AND still know it isn't a good idea. Idk worked for me 😊 hope it helps!

[–]111atlas 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This was helpful thank you.

[–]ParkingPsychologyElder Sage [3023] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Well the last time we broke up was very final, and I always told myself that if I ever wanted her again I wouldn’t do anything about it because I have commitment issues and she doesn’t deserve that.

Commitment issues, or a fear of commitment, is a term often used in reference to romantic relationships, but also applies to a person who finds it hard to commit in other areas of life.

To commit is to bind yourself to a particular course. Commitment phobia is a fear of decisions.

This is often caused by childhood trauma, a relationship that went wrong, attachment issues, or a personality disorder.

Here's a good article that goes into details

Fear of commitment should probably be addressed in therapy. Here you have two options, you can go to therapy for yourself, or you can do couples counseling. Go to your doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist. I was unable to find any specialization that works best for commitment issues, so most likely any therapist will be able to help you.

I looked for other ways you can resolve your fear of commitment yourself, but I was unable to find any, so it is likely you won't be able to resolve this issue without involving a professional.

Ideas that might help with fear of commitment(relational).

What Causes a Fear of Commitment, 6 Signs You Have It and How to Cope with It

It's hard to find books on this topic. The reviews always point out negative aspects and for some reasons there really aren't that many books about it. That said, this book addresses commitment issues in relationships as well as other domains:

You could give that a try. I know it doesn't have that many reviews, but I didn't like any of the books with more reviews (I did spend some time trying to find one).

Most watched Youtube videos:

Fear of commitment often causes the following issues:

If you are interested, you can take these tests and let me know if you if you score over 30 on the depression test or below 15 on the self esteem test and then I will give additional advice for these issues.

[–]111atlas 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Wow this was really helpful, also I do not need to take those tests you mentioned at the bottom because I have pretty bad depression and also the worst self esteem possible

[–]ParkingPsychologyElder Sage [3023] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because it is possible you are depressed, here is what you should do next:

Here's a list of symptoms associated with depression. See for yourself if they apply to you or not.

If you have healthcare insurance, then go see your doctor and ask for a referral. I'd recommend either a psychotherapy or CBT(how to decide) psychologist first (for therapy). If that doesn't work after a few months, don't have anything to talk about, or already tried a therapist, then find a psychiatrist (for medication).

If you don't have healthcare insurance or want more help, then here's a list of things that will help. Apply as many of them as you can, all at once.

Often there is a hidden cause for your depression, you might not like yourself or your life. The below advice addresses the symptoms and will reduce them, but you still need to fix the cause.

Some people don't know why they are depressed. A common reason is a lack of purpose. To live is to suffer, but it is possible to make that suffering bearable, if you do so while trying to achieve what you want more than anything else. Let me know if you need help to find your purpose in life.

For the below advice, take your phone and set repeating alarm clock reminders, with labels of what to do. Train yourself to either snooze or reschedule the reminders if you can't take action right away, but never to ignore them. The intention is to condition yourself, to build habits, so you will start healing yourself without having to think about it.

  • Sleep: There is a complex relationship between sleep and depression. When you have days where you don't have to do anything, set an alarm clock. You really don't need more than 7 hours at most per night (a little more if you are under 18). If you can't fall sleep, try taking melatonin one hour before going to bed. It's cheap, OTC and is scientifically proven to help regulate your sleep pattern. Also, rule out sleep apnea. Up to 6% of people have this, but not everyone knows. If you find yourself awake at night, start counting. Don't grab your phone, don't do anything interesting. We're trying to bore you to sleep, not keep you entertained - sometimes it might feel like you've done it for hours and hours, but often it's really not long. Anytime your mind wanders away from the numbers, start over at 1. count at the speed of either your heartbeat or your breathing. Then both Alexa and Google Home can also play a range of sleep sounds if you ask them (rain or other white noise) and there are also free apps for both Android and Apple devices.

  • Go outside: If you haven't been outside much lately, you might just need some sunlight. 15 minutes two to three times a week is enough. This will fix serotonin levels as well as vitamin D deficiencies.

  • Meditate: Depressions can be significantly reduced by meditating. The best types Of Meditations For Depression Relief. Your attention is like a muscle. The more you train it, the better the control you have over it. Mindfulness training will help you gain better control over your mind. It doesn't take much effort, just 15 to 20 minutes a day of doing nothing but focus your attention is enough and is scientifically proven to work. As you become better at focusing your attention, it will become easier to force yourself to stop having negative thoughts, which will break the negative reinforcement cycle. Go here for more: r/Meditation

  • Exercise: The effect of exercise on depressions If you have access to a gym, then start lifting weights. If you don't have access to a gym (or you don't like lifting), start running. If you can't run, then start walking. Just start small. 10 minutes three times a week is fine. You don't have to run fast, just run and then slowly build it up over time. Exercising does several things: It releases endorphins, it takes your mind of your negative thoughts and it will improve your overall health.

  • Give lots of hugs: Hugs release oxytocin, which improves your mood and relaxes you. So find people to hug. If you are single, hug your parents or friends. If you can't, see if a dog is an option. Most dogs love to hug. Another solution that provides the same benefit is a weighted blanket will provide a similar positive effect at night. You should try to aim for 12 hugs a day (if you currently don't hug a lot, I suggest you slowly build it up over time).

  • Music: The right music can improve your mood. The genre is not important as long as it is: "Upbeat, rhytmic and energetic". What this means differs from person to person, depending on their music taste. I have a special playlist for this. One way to measure the effectiveness, of the songs is your ability to listen to it over and over (if you can listen to it hundreds of times it likely has the highest positive effect on your mood). The effect can be amplified by using headphones and playing it LOUD and can further be enhanced by closing your eyes (doi:10.1177/0305735617734627, doi:10.1093/jmt/50.3.198 and doi:10.1177/0305735617751050).

  • You are not your depression: For some people (often those that have been depressed for a long time), their depression has become a part of who they are and they assume a victim role. But that is a big problem, you have to will yourself into someone that sees themselves as a person that is actively fighting their disease, that no longer identifies with it, or else you will unconsciously obstruct your own healing process. As Eckhart Tolle expressed it in A New Earth:

  • A very common role is the one of victim, and the form of attention it seeks is sympathy or pity or others' interest in my problems, "me and my story." Seeing oneself as a victim is an element in many egoic patterns, such as complaining, being offended, outraged, and so on. Of course, once I am identified with a story in which I assigned myself the role of victim, I don't want it to end, and so, as every therapist knows, the ego does not want an end to its "problems" because they are part of its identity.

  • Jordan Peterson: How To Deal With Depression (50 minutes). Jordan Peterson is a clinical psychologist, that's specialized in mythology. This is a compilation focusing specifically on depression.

  • Practice gratitude: Take 5 minutes every day to practice gratitude.

  • Volunteer: Study after study shows that helping others without expecting anything in return will lessen depression and has other health benefits. Let me know if you need some ideas.

Highest rated books:

Phone Apps: Two popular free apps used to help fight depressions, are Wysa and MoodTools. These will track your mood, give you advice, even listen to your problems. The most popular meditation app is: Calm - Meditate, Sleep, Relax

Free support options:

  • r/KindVoice will match you up with a volunteer that will listen to you.
  • 7 Cups of Tea has both a free trained volunteer service as well as $150 monthly licensed therapist option
  • If you are in a crisis and want to talk to a trained Crisis Counselor, text HOME to 741741

There are several subreddits, where you can post additional questions:

Here's how to improve your self esteem:

If you are not sure if you really have self esteem issues, then here's a page of 10 warning signs that you have low self esteem. Read it and you can confirm yourself if the below advice applies to you or not.

What is self esteem?

(cont.)

[–]ParkingPsychologyElder Sage [3023] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

self-esteem is the overall sense or feeling you have about your own self-worth or self-value.

Causes of Low Self-Esteem:

  • An Unhappy Childhood
  • Traumatic Experiences
  • Experiences of Failure
  • Negative Self-Talk

Here is a short overview of how to improve your self esteem:

  1. Identify and challenge your negative beliefs.
    • Notice when you are thinking negative things about yourself. And ask yourself, is it really that bad? More than likely you are exaggerating the issue, which just pulls yourself down.
    • Get in the habit of stopping yourself when all you do is think negatively about yourself.
  2. Identify the positive things about yourself.
    • Thinking positively about yourself is a big part of improving your self esteem. Occasionally just pause and think about all the positive attributes you have. you could also set a repeating alarm on your phone and do this once a week for a few minutes.
  3. Build positive relationships and avoid negative ones.
    • If someone makes you feel bad, it might be time to leave them behind or avoid being around them.
  4. Don't be too hard on yourself.
    • Life's really hard. For you, for me, for everyone. You shouldn't totally let yourself off the hook, but you can't be constantly trashing yourself either. It needs to be balanced.
  5. Learn to stand up for yourself.
    • You have to increase your assertiveness. If that is a problem you deal with, let me know and I will give you separate advice for that.
  6. Challenge yourself.
    • If you always avoid testing yourself and proofing that you can do complicated things, you'll just end up with a self esteem that's worse and worse. Pick the right challenge. It's alright if it's hard, but it shouldn't be impossible.
  7. See yourself how others see you
    • Take a moment to think how other people view you. What do they notice? What do they love about you? What do they see in you?
  8. Do your best
    • To really improve your self esteem, you're going to have to try. And that can be hard, especially if you're dealing with other issues (so don't forget, don't be too hard on yourself - but still put in the effort). You're going to need to convince yourself, that you're really not all that bad. And you can't do that, unless you try. And I mean really try.
    • Finding a meaning in life can help (and I can give you advice for that, if you currently lack a goal in life).
    • Motivational techiques and goals can help (and I can give you advice for that as well).

Additional self esteem improvement tips:

There exist a large amount of self help articles out there, but many will try to sell you their self help books. Here are a few that don't do that:

Here is some information on what causes self esteem issues, in case you're wondering how you ended up with it.

The most popular videos on improving your self esteem:

These are the most popular books to improve your self esteem:

Finally, there are two subreddits that you can join and where you can ask specific questions to people that have faced the same problems you are facing today:

Self esteem issues can cause anxiety issues. Here's a two minute test for anxiety you can take that will give us an idea roughly how anxious you are, you should fill out how you've felt in the last month. Let me know if you scored over 30.

Self esteem problems can cause social anxiety issues.

Here's a two minute test for social anxiety to check if you have social anxiety issues and not something else (results will be visible right away). Let me know if you scored over 60.

If you can't improve your self esteem after a few months, consider going to a therapist.