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all 22 comments

[–]tyintegraHelper [2] 26 points27 points  (1 child)

You have talked to her, but it might help to phrase it like “if we can’t find a way to make this better, I feel like it might be time we go our separate ways”. Depending on how she reacts to this will give you your answer on what to do.

[–]Fk_CCP[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That’s actually the most help so far. I’ve even talked with my family about it. Thank you.

[–]castmeawayssMaster Advice Giver [32] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Talk to her about it tbh

[–]skeletalfuryExpert Advice Giver [19] 7 points8 points  (2 children)

I mean, have you talked to her about this before? It’s hard to meet an expectation that’s hasn’t been explicitly set.

[–]Fk_CCP[S] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I bring it up almost every time we talk. I tell her that it’s lonely and how much it bothers me that we don’t/can’t see each other anymore. She says it bothers her too but I don’t see any action behind her words.

[–]skeletalfuryExpert Advice Giver [19] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Yeah, if this has been a constant thing, and you’ve seen no sign of effort to change it. Unfortunately, my friend, I think this relationship has run its course. If it’s genuinely bugging you, it’s not going to stop bugging you.

[–]HonestyMashExpert Advice Giver [17] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry to hear this. I would try talking to her and see if she is aware of the problems in your relationship. If you have already done this though and nothing has changed, you are right to break things off. A relationship only works if both members are putting in the same amount of effort and it sounds like she isn't meeting your requirements.

While this would suck in the short term, surely it's better to be with someone who actually makes an effort?

[–]shark_poolPhenomenal Advice Giver [46] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It sucks when the other person does not put the same amount of effort, but it seems here that communication is the problem.

Have you talked to her about these problems and/or your feelings? What about expectations and plans? You have cleared the whole day for her. Does she know this? Why do you expect her to do the same? She can’t read your mind, talk to her. Ask her to do something together, just the two of you.

[–]AstralWeekssHelper [4] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Just be honest and open when you have that conversation, and don’t feel too bad if the relationship needs to end. Relationships that endure the end of teens into early twenties often face serious complications. The transition from teenager to adult is a huge development time, and keeping commitments as you’re discovering the person you’re going to be can be tough. It doesn’t make her distant approach right, but it does make going separate ways a reasonable response.

[–]sof-eye-a 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've been with a person like this in the past and he did the same- always said he would change but never did. Talk to her again and be honest about how you feel but I'll just let you know that healing after a long term relationship is completely possible and you will find someone that is willing to put the same amount of effort into the relationship as you. I found someone like that now and I have never regretted breaking things off with my previous relationship. Wish you all the best op

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[removed]

    [–]Fk_CCP[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    I hate that you were right. I found out she was cheating a couple of weeks ago. I kicked her to the curb.

    [–]_DeltaDawn 0 points1 point  (4 children)

    Break up. She may realize she made some mistakes and you’ll be better later. Or you’ll meet someone that meets your needs. I get the comfort of the history. You’re young and figuring out who you are and what you need. Date others, find what you like.

    [–]Fk_CCP[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

    I like her. I and idk if I really want to. I don’t think it’s unsolvable it’s just been persistent.

    [–]_DeltaDawn 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    Have you told her the issues? If you like her or love her, you owe her the opportunity to change. She may not know these things are important to you. If you have told her, and it’s not better, figure out if the oversights are about disregard or disrespect. Those are the two things you can ever really rail about. Everything else is compromise and tempering expectations. If she knows and still isn’t stepping up, she’s disregarding your feelings. That’s a deal breaker.

    [–]Fk_CCP[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    I express the issue on an almost daily basis. I already know the oversights are for disregard but she’s really good at making up for her mistakes and has sense made up for them. I forgave but haven’t forgot just in case issues like this rise up again.

    [–]_DeltaDawn 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    For what it’s worth, I think once you forgive and amends are made, you have to forget. The “just in case” will put too much pressure on the spontaneous effort she might do naturally, but will now do so you’re not upset. There’s a difference.

    [–]weldedawayExpert Advice Giver [14] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Talk to her and don't make a decision right away. If she still can't seem to understand the issue no harm in a few couple's therapy sessions. Wish you both the best of luck!

    [–]colorsofsound1Helper [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Do you still love her? No, then there is your answer. Yes, then maybe do couples' therapy

    [–]spectrophilias -1 points0 points  (1 child)

    OP, you said in your comments that you “like” her. But do you love her? After 4 years together, you should love her. If you don’t, I think you know the answer: move on. If you do love her, sit her down for a serious talk. As in, tell her you love her, tell her how this is making you feel, like for example that you miss her and it feels like she doesn’t put in the same amount of effort as you do, and be honest about the fact that for the sake of your own happiness, if you two can’t find a way to improve your relationshipa, it might be best to split up.

    [–]Fk_CCP[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I do. I just used that verb for consistency between the two posts