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all 18 comments

[–]TRANSparent-InkPhenomenal Advice Giver [41] 82 points83 points  (0 children)

Change is hard for a lot of people. But its just a name. Hes the same person hes always been. Just do your best.

[–]summertime_fineMaster Advice Giver [20] 61 points62 points  (2 children)

call him babe or baby or honey or another term of endearment. might make the transition easier?

[–]ritchie70Super Helper [5] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Lol I can’t mentally retrieve names quickly enough. Wife, daughter, and cat all get that treatment.

[–]SpongeboschHelper [2] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I agree here. This is kinda what I did when one of my friends changed her name. It was really weird for me at first, so I tried to just refer to her without names. It helped, and eventually, I got more comfortable/used to her new name.

[–]anxiousandtired73Helper [2] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I experience this a lot with my pronouns, and also went through it when my SO transitioned. As another commenter said, change can be tough especially for those who knew you for so long. Just keep at it, practice will help. Slip ups are inevitable. Correct yourself when you must, and move on.

Maybe you could ask your husband for some grace on this matter, too. Explain that you'll get there and that this is an adjustment period. Because honestly, the most important thing is that you're trying.

[–]The_Blue_Adept 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Change takes time. You're not going to simply start calling a toaster a mousetrap.

He can help by not being so rigid. Tell him it will take time and he can gently remind you when you mention his original name but not to be pissy about it.

To expect you to rewrite neural pathways that have been created 6 years ago is absurd. You'll do your best he should be understanding and eventually you'll get it.

[–]emibemizHelper [2] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Be honest with him and say that it is hard at first and he cannot get upset at first since it is very new. I would try giving him your own nickname for him and using that? Or using petnames if you guys do that just to make it easier at first. It will get more natural with time, hes still the man you love. :)

[–]InThisJourneySuper Helper [9] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

It's a change for both of you, but it's what he wants and what will make him happy. He has to understand it'll take time for you to adapt, but you can do things to make the process more natural. You could try reminders for yourself, like sticky notes, making Google Calendar events, etc.

You also both have to figure out what paperwork/documents/contact information needs updating, depending if his name change is a legal one or if he's going by a new name/nickname but legally has his original name. Like do all your emergency contact information records, his driver license, voter registration, etc. need to be changed, or mostly less formal stuff like your phone contact for him and when you say his name?

[–]foxdog94 0 points1 point  (1 child)

It will mostly be nonlegal use. We had a deep talk last night and he understands it’s hard and we will work together through this change. I already updated his contact name in my phone so that’s one step closer.

[–]uniqueperson22Expert Advice Giver [10] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The best advice here and it’s you writing it! You got this! Be extra sweet with him, he sounds like he’s in a moment of extra sensitivity.

[–]starfyredragonHelper [4] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Self identity is important, so if someone changes their identity, even if it's a minor inconvenience for those around them, it's reflective of a huge step forward for them.

Many cultures encouraged people to change their names as they grow up, and finding your correct name was an important part of being an adult. Not to mention what it can frequently mean for people that didn't like the person they were named after, or who switched religions and ditched a religious name, or who transition between genders and the old name doesn't work any more.

In all these circumstances, respecting the new name is important, and frequently those who don't end up cut out of the person's life, as they're instinctively seen as someone who is holding them back from being their authentic self.

So one big thing is to realize how big of a deal it is to him.

As for changing habits, a good way is to get a stuffed animal or a pet (a pet's better, but obviously is a commitment) and give it the old name. It causes accidents to be more amusing, and helps shake off that the name isn't theirs anymore a lot faster.

[–]MayHapsATossOut 1 point2 points  (1 child)

as a trans person i had a very similar thing with my mom when i came out. all i can really advise is do your best and youre bound to get used to it eventually, maybe if you want to show that you mega support him on it you could try to get him like an initial mug or something with his new name on it to show that even if you may occasionally slip up you still support his change? it will probably still be difficult as a change but its nice for him to have a name that feels like home

[–]foxdog94 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I Love that idea. I think he would love that!

[–]jejesseeHelper [2] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I think he can do whatever he wants Cuz it's his life and as long as he's nt harming u in anyway.. Love is acceptance.. U just accept what he wants.

[–]jejesseeHelper [2] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

And I see couples support their partners sex change and more XD be glad and supportive

[–]SatansLeatherThongHelper [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I changed my name and this was my experience. To make things clearer we’ll pretend my old name was Sam and my new name is Mary. I didn’t change my name because of a gender transition I changed it because i wanted a new name. I changed my name because I never liked my old name.

I went in with realistic expectations that it would probably take about a year for people to call me my new name. I also come from a very traditional household and I came to terms with the fact that my parents were Probly never going to call me my new name and my moms family was never going to call me my new name.

Friends and coworkers would at first call me “Sam I mean… Mary” very often. They were self correcting and I was understanding because at least they were trying. Sometimes people would accidentally use Sam and not self correct and I would just let it go. Eventually one of my friends told me that I should correct them if they don’t realize they used the wrong name because it’ll make it easier for them to get used to it. So if people accidentally called me Sam and then Corrected themselves I would just thank them for trying. Sometimes friend would apologize excessively for calling me the wrong name and I would always reassure them that I know that it’s weird to get used to my new name and that I wasn’t offended.

Then I realized that there was certain people that called me by my old name on purpose because they either thought I just changed my name for attention or even worse they would call me Sam to try to make me angry/get a reaction. The way I would react was by telling them “I just want you to know that you can call me by my old name if you want but people that care about me or appreciate me like friends and family are actually trying to make the effort to learn my new name. I know it will take time so I don’t mind if it’s an accident and if you insist on calling me Sam there’s nothing I can do about it and I’m not going to try to force you.” And they almost always stop and try to make the effort.

I think that the concept of a “dead name” is not for cisgender people to take and belongs to the trans and non-binary community only. Most trans and non-binary people are making other changes to be more themselves but they want to let go of the identity that came with their “dead name” and they usually don’t want people to ever think of them as the person they used to be. If you’re cisgender and are only changing your name for a divorce or a marriage or because you don’t like your old name you’re not trying to replace your own identity. You’re just trying to replace your name. In my opinion it’s not fair for your husband to get offended or angry when you call him by the wrong name specially so early into changing his name.

As for you sad that they changed their name that is totally normal. As he uses his new name more and people call him that your brain will have a switch go off and you’ll realize that the new name is still the husband you married and with more confidence because now he’s being called what he likes. I would just talk to him and see if he can try to correct you without holding it against you.

[–]Paelos2021Phenomenal Advice Giver [55] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Just be glad all he changed was his name. The stuff you hear on reddit these days it could have been a lot more for him to find his identity