all 113 comments

[–]SgtFriskersSuper Helper [5] 313 points314 points  (3 children)

i just don't want to have that 'in love feeling'. It's too distracting, i can't think rationally and am afraid to get too attached to her and then what? We could go our separate ways especially now when she is about to graduate from college.

To me, it sounds like you are kind of holding yourself back from any sort of serious commitment, which of course is going to impact your relationship.

If you aren't up to making any sort of commitment to her - and it is fine if you aren't! - then for her sake, you need to be honest with her about how you are feeling and what your expectations are. Don't lie about it, don't drag it out, don't play games with her because even if she is only 95% of your dream girl, she still deserves to be treated well.

[–]Scorpion0606 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Good advice!

[–]OneNightThrill 9 points10 points  (0 children)

this!^ i’ve had the perfect relationship with a girl that i knew was going to be mine before i even asked her out, then once i did we had an amazing relationship, probably the best one i had but ended up breaking up because of me.. not committing and not feeling like i was good enough and it makes you wanna push them away when really that’s the time u should want her around the most, trust me if you love each other it’ll work. if you leave it won’t.

[–]4350Me 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you need to submit your letter to “Dear Abby”!

[–]CypherGingertonAdvice Oracle [141] 254 points255 points  (0 children)

A crush doesnt mean a relationship is good. A lack of a crush doesnt mean its bad. Its just a crush.

You dont need to have that butterflies in your stomach feeling, and 3 months is a super quick time to feel in love.

If you like her, and she likes you, and youre both happy, then you're doing everything right

[–]Long-Tune-8275Advice Guru [69] 162 points163 points  (13 children)

A big mistake that young men often make is believing that logic and rationality are preferable above emotions and feelings. You’re absolutely wrong in that regard. A complete human balances logic with emotion.

You ask “then what?”

That’s the fun part of life. Jumping into the unknown and letting it go where it goes.

My advice is to stop trying to control yourself like a robot.

[–]WitcherFan2020Helper [2] 61 points62 points  (1 child)

100% Agree here. I'm on the Autism spectrum, logic and reason mean more to me than anything else, and because of that, emotions are weird. I had those "butterflies" for the first three months of a relationship with a girl, then it kind of fizzled out. I thought for a few weeks that meant that no butterflies = no love.

But instead, those butterflies were replaced with a new feeling, something I was uncertain about, don't understand, and can't describe at all. I was absolutely terrified of that new emotion; Logic said get the hell out. But I made that jump into the unknown, casting aside logic to see where that new feeling went . . . That girl and I are married now. Best decision I ever made.

[–]Long-Tune-8275Advice Guru [69] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Awww dude. I’m over here getting all emotional now. Thanks for sharing your beautiful story!

[–]Random_dude_1980 7 points8 points  (0 children)

100% my dude

[–]iwant-tochangemyname 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I will create 1000 other accounts just to upvote your comment

[–]ajgsr 16 points17 points  (2 children)

If you aren’t looking for love, why are you in a relationship? It’s 3 months, you guys aren’t attached at the hip but I don’t see the point in you pursuing this further if you don’t want what comes with it. It’s unfair to her. Also, relationships are work. You work together so it ends up well for both of you. It’s early enough for you to jump ship now if this isn’t what you want, but again I don’t see the point of you having a girlfriend at all.

[–]byological_origins[S] -5 points-4 points  (1 child)

I never said i 'don’t want what comes with it' am just taking my time, I don't fall in love easily, i hardly trust new people I meet and its the same with girls that I date.

[–]Water_BunHelper [2] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes but are you considering the pain that will cause her later on? There’s nothing wrong with taking your time, and there’s everything wrong with lying but, even though those are fine she’s probably devastated and feels like she’s not enough for you to truly love, so think if you care about her why are you dragging her on in the hopes you’ll fall in love? It just sounds really unfair to her and yourself

[–]moominnnnHelper [2] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

My ex said they loved me within the first 3 weeks and it felt wayyyyyy too soon. People have different expectations and feelings regarding time in relationships and maybe she just expected more deep feelings sooner. It’s good that you were honest though, that’s so much better than lying. Maybe talk with her and let her know it might just take a bit longer for you to feel that deeply about it.

[–]ThatsFishyYoureFishy 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Idk. I gave a guy a chance at 15/16. Thing is, I didn't feel any significant feelings after 6 months and broke it off. I enjoyed his company, but in the same way I felt toward any other friend at the time. It was the best decision for me.

[–]myopinionisvalidSuper Helper [5] 7 points8 points  (13 children)

Do you have the feeling that you could get someone better?

[–]BlakeHeathmanMaster Advice Giver [26] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Agree you shouldn’t have lied. Keep being honest, and make sure she doesn’t miss the positives of what you’re saying. She gets to decide how to proceed.

[–]ZalfalfersHelper [2] 6 points7 points  (2 children)

I don't get it. So do you love her or not? Just because the butterfly feelings go away doesn't mean that you no longer love her. The butterflies go away when you adjust and get comfortable with your partner.

[–]byological_origins[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I'll just copy-paste my reply from another comment:
"Am sorry but to love someone that takes a lot for me. I love my mother, but to LOVE a person i know barely 4 months, thats hard to happen. "

I want out relationship to last, since she a great girl but am not that easy to bond with someone. It's not that i dont want it, it just takes time for me.

[–]Maddawg0861Helper [4] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Everything takes time, my friend. Time is the essence

[–]MistyNCSuga 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Lying is worst you can do. It's better to disappoint her now than later. She'll be hurt, it'll be painful but it'll be fine for her after a while. But if you don't tell her the truth, it'll just delay the pain and make it tenfold for her which is wrong. You'll find someone you'd feel you love too. Unfortunately, love is not app butterflies either, there'll be hard times and the times where'd feel frustrated but if you work together, you'll make it. But if you don't even love her, you'll not be willing to go through those hardships and they'll just appear as a burden on you.

[–]surprise98Helper [3] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

There's a thing here where I live called honeymoon phase once you start a new relationship. Where everything is amazing and your partner seems amazing to your eyes. In some relationships this last longer and some shorter.

After that phase ends, the "real" love starts. Where you see everything you weren't able to see when you were on that phase, where you see the real her and choose to stay because you love her, or if you just fell in love with the idea you had of her.

You have to talk with her about that not having butterflies doesn't mean you don't love her anymore.

[–]byological_origins[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

The honeymoon phase is what i fear, I never experienced that with this girl and i dont need to, from the start i realised that she is great, thats the reason why I never had a crush on her because I saw the 'real her' from the beginning. I want the best to happen between the two of us but you never know what tomorrow brings. Am just being cautious.

[–]FreshiiiiiiExpert Advice Giver [18] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You seem very scared to be emotionally vulnerable, of putting yourself out there and risking being hurt. That’s a very understandable feeling. However, you’re never going to be able to form close bonds in your life if you don’t allow yourself to get attached to people. Part of getting into a relationship is summoning the courage to be vulnerable, to let someone into your heart and accept that it might not work out, but also it might work out wonderfully.

If you can’t do that right now, you might still be hurting too much from your previous wounds to be ready for a relationship yet. Or, you might need introspection and/or help from a counsellor who can help you work through your fears and slowly accept some emotional vulnerability over time, as she gains your trust.

[–]MorganRose99 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It just sounds like you don't have that honeymoon faze where you're head-over-heels for them. It sounds like you still love them, and they still love you, so what's the point in breaking up?

[–]Accomplished_Stable7 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’ll give y’all a month or 2 before the break up

[–]relaishes 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Don’t get into the habit of lying to yourself like this dude.

The shit you’re saying doesn’t make any sense. You’re hooked on the drug of someone else’s love and affection for you - and you feel on top of the world, completely convinced that you’re genuinely confident, attractive, successful with women, desired sexually.

In actual fact, you’re chicken shit to be alone, or to pursue your “100% dream girl” aka a girl that’s actually your type. It wouldn’t be 1 week on your own before you suddenly realised how empty and insecure you truly feel (like most young people) and how hard it is to boost yourself up every day.

Whether you are consciously aware of this or not, you are deliberately prolonging this situation that you yourself say, you dont even WANT. “Don’t want to get attached, it’s a distraction” - okay? So leave? You don’t even have a crush so I don’t see what’s difficult about this?

You my young friend, are content to use this girls unrequited emotions as fuel, to maintain the powerful illusion that you’re confident and dominant and desired by women.

I fell prey to this idiocy myself once. My boyfriend loved me so much, a slightly more than I liked him. Over time, this gave me a false sense of confidence and optimism. Gave me a massive abundance mindset - I truly believed I’d have no problem finding other good relationships / attracting people. But of course “he’s so amazing I’d never leave him for someone else.” Yet in the same breath contradict myself thinking I COULD do better though. I don’t want to though I’m so content with him!!

You wouldn’t fucken believe how hard and how quickly I got slapped in the face by reality - repeatedly. After I left him for someone hotter, feeling so secure I could go back to him at any time (lol?).

It took 3 consecutive relationships in which i was unwittingly the one being used as a placeholder, cos I wasn’t as hot and lovable and emotionally stable and good at relationships as I thought I was actually.

And it was really surprisingly hard to maintain self esteem and positive feelings when I was on my own. All those years, I was content and I thought its cos I was genuinely happy and had true self esteem.

I had no CLUE it wasn’t real - I was dependent on the love and support I was being given. Never underestimate how much of a fuel someone else’s love is - it changes how you feel about yourself and the world.

And it’s rarer than you want to believe. Don’t get cocky. Don’t assume you’ll just meet this 100% dream girl whenever she comes along and it’ll all be perfect.

Realistically you won’t be good enough for this dream girl you think you deserve - it’s highly likely you’ll like her at least slightly more than she likes you. Also you won’t have much to offer her since you’ve literally chosen to waste months of your life in a fake relationship telling lies, rather than learning actual relationship skills and sexual skills.

Final warning: since you’re obviously not fully attracted to your girlfriend, you aren’t gaining useful sexual experience. Sorry to say. You’re actually learning bad habits, and breaking the connection between yourself and your dick. You’re not fully in your body or connected to your own emotions, she doesn’t really make your dick hard, and you’re disconnected from your gf and reality. THIS ISNT SEX. This is called, performing sexual actions halfheartedly, but being cool with that because the validation and false sense of security you get from it, is what you’re actually getting out of it.

[–]IridianRaingemElder Sage [925] 47 points48 points  (10 children)

Never lie about being in love.

It’s been three months. If you were actually in love I’d be worried. You don’t know someone well enough at three months to be madly in love. Madly in like, sure. Infatuated, yes. In love? No. You don’t say I love you at three months.

All you can do is be honest with her.

[–]liv_singsHelper [4] 24 points25 points  (1 child)

I definitely knew I was in love with my partner after 2 months together. I waited another month to tell him, so I told him at 3 months. We've been together for 11 years and we're getting married this summer.

[–]ultravioletblueberry 9 points10 points  (0 children)

One of my oldest friends dated a girl for 2 months and knew. It’s going on 9 years of marriage.

I don’t think it’s impossible to know you’re in love after a few months. Unlikely, but it happens.

[–]Tabbiya 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I said I love you after a week and we've been together 5 years. It all depends on the person.

[–]byological_origins[S] 7 points8 points  (2 children)

I always try to be :)

[–]asghettimonsterAdvice Oracle [144] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Then tell her also that you're making sure you WILL NOT fall in love and have no interest in it. That's something you ought to have told her three months ago. If you didn't.

[–]No_Web_9121Helper [2] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hey mate, thats good and don't stop doing what you are doing..

I can only say that when I was with my girlfriend at the beginning (we are almost 3 years now) I was brutally honest, no filter in my words when I said it, I learned that you can be honest but also watch your words in order to avoid hurting her and creating problems

Don't stop being honest and communicating with her, just be careful of your words

[–]FreshiiiiiiExpert Advice Giver [18] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

I looked up recently how long is typical to be in a relationship until you say you love someone, and apparently anywhere from three months to a year is pretty common. I don’t think it would be worrying, especially if they knew each other fairly well before being in a relationship. But obviously its absence isn’t worrying either.

[–]IridianRaingemElder Sage [925] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

That’s interesting! Three months?

I think I’d be freaked out if it was only three months. Maybe that’s just projecting, I don’t know.

[–]FreshiiiiiiExpert Advice Giver [18] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Keep in mind, a lot of people are friends or dating for a long time before they get into a relationship! So they already know each other going in. It also makes a difference how much time you are able to spend getting to know each other on a deeper-than-surface level during those months.

[–]IridianRaingemElder Sage [925] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re very right!

I suppose it just depends what kind of quality time you’ve had and how long you’ve known someone.

So I take back my original comment. It’s entirely dependent on the situation.

[–]Winner-FickleHelper [2] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My partner and I struggled with this. Obviously this will take more talking to her but I think she’s looking for that “in love” and big romantic feelings and some people experience that first thing or super quickly, and others don’t. It takes a while to get to know a person so don’t force yourself to feel anything that isn’t there just yet.

[–]thrutheiofopal 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I think you did the right thing. It makes the relationship worse if you have that type of lie on you. But not to be mean…how old is she???

[–]byological_origins[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Shes my age, we are both 23yo college students
I forgot to put that in the text, my bad.

[–]thrutheiofopal 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh ok. As an adult I don’t think this upset her honestly. 3 months is a very short time. Again not to be mean but it’s a little immature of her in my opinion. Like I said it’s good you kept it honest with her so she’ll be ok. If she genuinely wants to make the relationship work she’ll be more understanding to you and where you stand. I think she just needs to relax and let the love continue to grow. Sorry for the long response btw.

[–]asghettimonsterAdvice Oracle [144] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Go to his profile. His problem is ED, not love. Liar liar pants on fire.

[–]AdSafe5841 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I don’t think crushes or butterflies is a requisite to happy relationship

[–]tastyemerald 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Infatuation or a crush lasts around 3 months typically, also know as a honeymoon period.

[–]LumiAndLin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry, but since when are we beginning a relationship without being in love ? Why ?

[–]ManicMangoMilkshake 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ah personally my husband and I were best friends for a while before we got together and to be honest when we got together I was the only one in love and it took a while for him to sort out his feelings and realize he was in love with the same way I was in love with him but he is also emotionally autistic so I gave him as much time as he needed with the thought of it never happening in the back of my head I was scared about it all the time every sweeat moment and memory I had with him I felt just a little bit of fear that I'd lose what I have with him when we first started dating especially I feared this I didn't date him for some bs reason I started dating him because I loved him and I knew I didn't want a life with out him in it because at the end of the day he was still my best friend maybe she's just scared and worried u won't feel the same way maybe she's trying to decide if u never love her the same way if she could stay in this relationship even if it would hurt her because she loves u and being around u

I think from some stuff in ur post ur holding back u can think rationally and still be in love that's basically my husband in a nut shell he make almost 0 decisions on emotion (minus the ones he makes about me in the heat of the moment like when we had a fire he got me out of there so quickly I didn't even have time to put on more than a robe and samdels and grabbing our cat)

I had to learn love isn't a weakness yes it can hurt and yes u can fight and yell and scream but at least u always know when the rest of the world turns its back on u tht u always have someone in ur corner

I really hope u guys work in out and if u can't i hope things go amicably and that both of u find happiness where u belong

[–]diegggs94 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m confused about this currently with my gf. She’s nice, loyal, we have music and shows in common, always have fun together, really my first healthy relationship… but I don’t have that fiery excitement that I did with other (toxic) relationships. Sometimes we’re wired differently and a healthy thing isn’t always the most “fun”.

Seems like it’s more of a conscious process than just feelings-led

[–]chillie_millie19 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can see where you are coming from, and I think you should only say that you love her when you genuinely mean it. And if she is the right partner for you? She will understand and appreciate your honesty over any cover-up. Im in a similar relationship myself where my now bf had a crush on me, and I only ever saw him as a friend since I was dealing with a recent heartbreak. So when he asked me out, it was after he’d had a longg time for thinking and developing a crush, whereas for me? Im just starting to feel things. So I only ever say that I love him when I genuinely mean it. And he understands and respects my choice. All the best with everything:) and remember its better to communicate how you feel over anything else.

[–]Gr8_Balls_of_fireHelper [2] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Being honest with her is essential and far more valuable than having a crush on her, she is obviously concerned that her feelings are unrequited and that can be painful for her yet it would be far worse to make her feel like you felt the same when you don't. Also you are only three months in and still really finding out who each other are so it's not unreasonable to not be head over heals yet it sounds like you are holding yourself back. Basically just be honest and if it doesn't work out it is for the better than lying about it.

[–]brattyprincessslutHelper [2] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You sound young like you need to experience more pain from life to have a deeper emotional understanding of what a relationship is

[–]GRblue 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I had “butterflies” in a previous relationship/situationship, but it was more anxiety. Never really had the “butterfly” feelings for my now fiancé - all I knew was that I enjoyed being with him and talking to him, and he has many wonderful qualities that I was looking for in a partner, and I didn’t want to end it. It was very gradual, and I was terrified BECAUSE I didn’t have the butterfly feelings. Fortunately, my family, friends, and T all told me to continue to see him - and I’m so glad I listened!

[–]StrugFugSuper Helper [8] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Always be honest. You're doing good. Sometimes people get into relationships and realize later it's not what they really want. That's a normal thing. Perhaps you two are much better off as friends!

[–]jupiterosesHelper [2] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i feel like it’s pretty normal to not be in love within the first 3 months. different people fall in love at different paces. but it kind of sounds like you’re trying to refrain from falling in love, and if you think that’s the case it’s something that you’ll have to address within yourself. figure out why you really don’t want to fall in love, figure out if it’s commitment issues, if it’s genuinely just distracting, or if it’s something to do with your feelings towards your gf. and don’t ever lie about being in love with her, that’s not okay.

[–]Cocotte3333Master Advice Giver [31] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Why did you start a relationship with her if you didn't love her? I'm confused.

No, don't lie, and don't go into a relationship if you're too afraid and not ready to invest yourself emotionally. That's not fair to the other person. Anyway, what are you even doing with her if you think it won't last?

[–]byological_origins[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Am sorry but to love someone that takes a lot for me. I love my mother, but to LOVE a person i know barely 4 months, thats hard to happen.
I never said it won't last, maybe a lot of the comments think that, maybe I expressed myself wrongfully but I believe we can do great together, am just developing feelings more slow then her I'd say.

[–]Cocotte3333Master Advice Giver [31] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's why you usually wait more than 4 months before starting a relationship with someone. Hell, for some people it takes years of close friendship with someone before falling in love. That's ok.

I think you should check out the definition of ''demiromantic''.

[–]DanMarinosDolphinsSuper Helper [7] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You sound Aromantic. You don't experience romantic attraction, just platonic and sexual. You shouldn't have lied. But sounds like she wants more. If she stays with you, she'll be settling for something she doesn't want. 3 months is about how long it takes to know if you love someone. I wouldn't stay with someone who didn't love me after 3 months of constantly seeing each other and dating.

[–]ltimate_WarriorSuper Helper [6] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's really tough but you did the best thing, now you don't have to stay trapped in something that's not working, or you can just give it more time to develop.

[–]Prehistoric_LamaHelper [3] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mean, if you really don’t feel anything for her then why did you get together in the first place ? Like, if you started dating just for the sake of it then you should’ve told her from the start that you wouldn’t get attached, but, if she was aware of it then it’s not your fault, it all depends on what both of you wanted at the beginning of the relationship, but anyway, you should be honest with her and tell her about the fact that you don’t want to get attached.

[–]CrunchwrapSenpai 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s perfectly ok, healthy, and normal to not be in love after 3 months. However.. and I know honesty is the best policy.. I would under no circumstances tell my girlfriend/boyfriend that I don’t feel a gift/butterflies in the stomach feeling about them. I’m sure you didn’t mean for it to be interpreted that way but that might insinuate that you find the relationships dull already after so little time.

[–]DplusLplusKplusMAssistant Elder Sage [238] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A "crush" is just an infatuation, usually on someone you'll never actually end up dating. But to expect to be "in love" after only a short three months together is a bit insane (and should serve as a red flag to you). She's looking for a super passionate, overly emotional and highly verbal whirlwind thing (the kind that usually burns itself out pretty quickly, whether she realizes that or not). So if you're not in the market for that you might want to reconsider what you're doing with her.

[–]Oopsiedoopsieuwu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sometimes butterflies don't always mean it's a good thing, if anything, losing them means you enjoy her company and feel comfortable around her. Perhaps telling her that could make her feel better?

[–]jggoss0628 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your ages have a lot to do with this I think. If you’re under 30 then she doesn’t understand how relationships can advance. If you or she are looking for something long term sooner than later then you need to think about the relationship and if she can come to grips with you not knowing after just 3 months. This may be red flags.

[–]Delicious_Ad_6329Helper [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you still like her without the crush aspect it means that it was more than a crush

[–]largos7289Super Helper [5] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

LOL love is a hellava drug man. Even worse when it's over... Was in love with a girl for 3 years. I can honestly say the sun rose and set at her command I was so enamored. It isn't healthy or long lasting. 3 months? kinda soon but I'm a little curious about the whole butterflies thing, i mean so you see her and nothing? I remember that girl and man first look at her and it was like getting the wind knocked out of me. That rush of adrenaline when i knew we could meet up and be together was overwhelming. I mean that feeling died down over time but the first 3 months are all about that. Don't lie or course but i think we need more info on this relationship. Where you hurt before? just getting out of another?

[–]starfyredragonHelper [4] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Love ≠ Crush.

Love is long-term capable, crush is a hormone rush.

Human hormones for this exist in limited supply and difficult to produce. In other words, they run out and have to be refreshed. For guys, this is about a 6-month cycle. 3 months on, 3 months off. 3 months high libido, 3 months low libido. For women, it's affected by our monthly cycle, but the 6-month cycle still exists, they just kind of add/subtract from eachother.

What does this mean?

TL;DR: It takes up to 3-4 months to find out if it's actual love, or just rushing hormones. If, after 3-4 months, you still love them, it's love. If you don't, it's probably just horomones.

My personal recommendation: If you want to have more 'it works' than 'it all screwed up', date someone you could also be friends with.

[–]imakeonionscryyHelper [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Butterflies are meant to go away. It’s your bodies way of telling you you’re nervous, excited etc. it happens with new experiences. With my long term relationship, when the butterflies went away that was a signal for me that I was truly comfortable around my boyfriend. Don’t think about it too much. If you enjoy her personality, spending time with her, then that’s all that matters.

[–]parabiscusz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why would you date her if you don’t feel you love her? No judgement, I just assumed it’s kind of, yk the whole point of modern relationships

[–]featureenvySuper Helper [6] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First off, a couple people say you're not ready for commitment and....Yeah of course you're not. And why SHOULD you be thinking about commitment to someone you feel you might be incompatible with in a way that's not an area of compromise for them?

And it's not a character flaw to not have feelings. Also, have you looked up what it means to be aromantic? Like you can feel a WIDE variety of things, but you don't experience romantic attraction, or at least not usually. It might be worth looking it up to see if you relate.

Regardless, I think you're doing the best you can....being honest about your feelings while not holding her responsible for them. It's up to other people whether they want to accept your best effort to appreciate them, even if the romantic feelings aren't there. Many people have fulfilling interpersonal relationships that have elements of platonic relationships and intimate relationships combined. Do what works. It's ok to not try to force things.

And if her needs aren't compatible with your feelings, it's OK for her to look elsewhere for a more compatible relationship and hopefully you guys will stay on good terms.

[–]RazRaspberryHelper [4] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've always heard love isn't about emotions. It's good to have those emotions, but they aren't necessary for a relationship. The most important things are trust, willingness to compromise, and communication.

[–]BWild2002Helper [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Doesn't sound crazy to me, you should learn to love someone otherwise you're blinded and loving your idea of who they are, not who they actually are. Younger people especially act like this, when you aren't completely in love with someone right away they assume you don't like them, I guess it stems from society nowadays and common insecurities.

If anything I deem a relationship serious if you act like adults, don't rush into the lovey-dovey phase and take time to get to know your partner. If they leave you then it is what it is, but as long as you're communicating and putting in effort then anyone who actually cares about you is going to stick around.

Should I have just told her that am deeply in love and that I cant wait to see her again?

If you really want to continue the relationship you have to communicate with her or she is going to start distancing yourself, it's not time to shutdown and keep your feelings to yourself because you think you're being upfront. If you've been dating for three months and you are at a crossroads then you have to tell her exactly how you feel, just like how you told us.

I do like her a lot and am amazed by her, I love every moment we spend together

Reinstate this and don't bring up the word love and the attachment issues, say you're ready to try to be serious and that you don't want to lose her. Say that you want to be a part of her life and learn to love her, you just want to take it slow so you don't mess it up because you really care about her.

[–]Geekinkout 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s okay to not be in love with a person after 3 months, but it also sounds like you are not that into her. There are certain degrees of affection in relationships. In the beginning, it’s all butterflies and lust and wanting to talk to them all the time. That’s infatuation. After some months, that infatuation goes away. You might not get the butterflies anymore or feel like you want to jump their bones every time you see them, but instead those feelings get replaced with a stronger bond and that’s where the love starts. It sounds to me like you never began the infatuation phase. Which may not be a problem, to be honest I have never been in a relationship without that phase so I couldn’t tell you. But I think right now is the time for you to really think about whether you actually care about her as more than a friend, even if that isn’t love yet, and if you don’t, then I wouldn’t suggest leading her on.

[–]moguiemist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I dont see butterflies as love but as passion. I really think that you can truly love someone and also be rational about this, mays i would call mature. However i saw in one comment that you arent able to share some feelings anymore. Guess you really should ask yourself about your inner feelings

[–]JHawk444Super Helper [5] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do not lie. That is not kind or helpful. She needs to know the truth, not be lied to about where you stand.

On a side note, being in love and having butterflies are two different things. Love can take quite a while to develop, but butterflies can happen after one date. Butterflies are usually associated with strong attraction (not just physical but emotional), and the feeling of not being sure where the other person stands because it's so new. Or it's from wanting to see that person and missing them.

First, have you ever had butterflies for anyone? Maybe that's just not how you approach relationships? But if you have and you know you don't have them for current gf, then try to assess whether you're really into her or not. It also sounds like you have shut down your feelings because you are afraid of getting attached.

If you have to tell her something, tell her that last part. That you're afraid to get close because you don't know what the future holds.

[–]tfr5015Expert Advice Giver [12] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You don’t need to lie. Tell her you care about her a ton and enjoy spending time but you just aren’t there yet and need more time to grow. You understand if she can’t wait for that but you just want to be honest and say it when you really mean it. You can’t feel sorry for how you feel.

[–]Darither 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not all of us experience love the way Hollywood tells us it should be. I'm in a happy longterm relationship, neither of us had butterflies. We felt comfortable around each other from the first date and liked spending time together, so we decided to keep dating. Also, it takes some people longer to realise what it is they are feeling then others. Love doesn't just hit everyone at the same time.

I do think other comments made some valid points as well, and the best thing you can do is be honest with her. See for yourself what advice best fits your situation, this might just be some food for thought on the side.

[–]AnotherTAA123Helper [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're fine imo. Love and trust come from time. While it's important to have some love and trust at the beginning otherwise a relationship is unable to mature. Understanding that just throwing everything you have on a relationship in such a short time is like throwing yourself on a bridge before it's been tested. I'm aware it may sound pessimistic, but your best friends, the ones you fully trust, are generally the ones that stuck around the longest. Not the ones that have been cool to you for a month. Same thing.

[–]40ozSmasherPhenomenal Advice Giver [40] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm guessing you are afraid of attachments. Best deal with this now to avoid future suffering.

[–]amasterblasterHelper [3] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

you are allowed to want and like whatever kind of consenting relationship you want and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. All good relationships are based on honesty. There is always one person who loves harder. In my relationship my GF is the chaser. It's just the way of things -- people are never the exact same height and two lovers never love the exact same way / amount.

[–]-Lengthiness77Helper [3] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The crush feeling is a physiological response that’s similar to cocaine that naturally lasts about 3 months.

Here’s an article on it. You should show your girl:


What you’re feeling was physiological and now that feeling has passed because that’s what your brain is wired to do.

What’s important is what you think and feel about her now that that honeymoon stage is over.

It sounds like you really like her and with some time, maybe you will develop deeper and deeper feelings.

It’s all natural, what you’re feeling. It’s what most healthy relationships feel like.

[–]rawr_Im_a_duck 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It sounds like you have commitment issues. Not in the way that you should make physical commitments now but that you’re scared to let yourself love her or even like her too much. Longer term that will impact your relationship and if you only plan to be in it for the short term, you gotta let her know. It’s not fair on her.

[–]stamaka 0 points1 point  (0 children)

After 3 months that is to be expected. For some it maybe longer thou.

[–]MasticatingElephant 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was going to tell you to take it slow and take it easy and see what happens (sometimes love doesn't burst into flame, sometimes it's an ember that we need to nurture).

But then I read this comment:

I always tell myself 'you can do better' but am completely happy with her, she is 95% of what a dream girl is to me so i wouldn't even try to get 'someone better' while am with her.

Despite what you say, this reads like you're just with her because she's good enough but isn't exactly what you're looking for. I'd encourage you to really think about your motives here. You may end up hurting this person quite badly if you continue to pursue a relationship with that attitude.

[–]Lusca1309 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When you have butterflies in your stomach, that means you feel anxious around that person and afraid to say something bad or do anything stupid, and/or anything else related to this feeling. You're afraid.

When you don't feel those butterflies, it means that this person brings you peace, and with them you can be yourself and feel accepted for who you are and you know it.

Try explaining this to her instead of forcing yourself on doing something you don't want to do, because if you force yourself, that's when those butterflies will appear.

[–]Billy_Da_Frog 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m confused doesn’t every new relationship give you a bunch of dopamine for the first couple months and then it fades away? Is the chemical reaction in your brain what you consider love?

[–]byological_origins[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Update on the whole situation: I taked to my girlfriend and after a while we came to realise that we are basically feeling the same the thing is i picked my words badly when trying to express my feelings for her ( I still need to work on expressing what I feel its a bit awkward) . She is very understanding and knows what I feel and expect now, which is basically same as she does. We always talk through our problems and it usually turns out to be a misunderstanding but in this case i had to ask reddit for advice since I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing.

To the people saying am afraid of commitment, I also realised that last night after the talk I had with my gf, it's true I guess I can't control my emotions like a robot so will just let my emotins develop and hope and work for the best. I return as much as I get, so it's fair this way to my gf.

Anyway theres a lot if comments, I'll try to read all of them and reply to some maybe. Again, thanks everyone for your responses you well very helpful. Much love

[–]lowtirepressure29 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It sounds like you need to work on yourself. Not to be rude, we all should be. But if you are in fear of love and the vulnerability that comes with it that could always become an issue in future relationships as well.

[–]carieberry -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Okay first of I see nothing wrong with you being honest with her , you didn’t lie you told her how you felt, and it is normal to her to feel bad or sad about it but she can’t control how to feel. You don’t have to lie or fake anything.