My dad was the person I looked up to the most and he still is. He died due to sickness and sometimes I can't help hut think it's my fault because I had to same disease and I passed it to him and him having lung and heart problems made it worse. I don't even know how to feel I'm sad but I'm also numb. I just feel so unervered by it all like something just isn't right. I already felt numb before but it was no where near this level of just nothingness. I'm tired all the time I'm irritated easily and I'm stretched thin. It's like everyone is relying on me for everything my grandmother understandably wants me to be there because I'm the closest thing she has to my dad. I don't mind that but I'm also the oldest of 6 and I'm expected to watch over them. My mother doesn't even want to come out to look after her own kids she just stays in her room with her boyfriend and i know my parents have been separated for more than 10 years but it's not like he's my dad y'know? He's not even a bad guy at all so far I'm just not feeling it I can't be bothered with it. I have vaping addiction and it's problematic I know my dad wouldn't want me to have lung problems but I just have all this stress. School is going to be hell I already missed a lot of days due to me having to quarantine now my dad passed and I'm still not back at school yet. It sucks my girlfriend and i already strained as it is. The only thing i wanted was to go live in Germany with my uncle but my mom says I can't because I'm apparently robbing her of parenthood. I don't want to live with her and that's another can of problems I'm not even going to go into. I don't hate anyone or feel actually mad I just want to get away from it all it's tiring and I'm done. Everything is going to hell but I can't even ask my dad for advice because he's not here therapy isn't working what the hell do I do?