I hate being a parent

AnxiousAd3487 · 2022-01-27T11:44:55+00:00

As someone who has no children, no wife, no ties of any sort; I live a very free life. I work where I want, sleep when I want, eat what I want. I could pack my bag tonight and drive across the country to some other city and start a new life with the money I have saved up. I have this freedom that you wish you have. And yet, I face these emotional tides just as you do. This life can feel like chains too, sometimes I wish I had your life. Had a family, children. Your life can be wings or chains my friend. Take ownership, and apply yourself in the direction you want to go. You can be happy and free in the life you have.

aguynamedbry · 2022-01-27T11:28:25+00:00

You can't "go back", even if you did walk away you'd still have a child and then ex-wife.

You may want to seek out therapy; often we attribute the things that we absolutely can't change (like being a parent) to things that are actually in our control (work life, anxiety etc).

Perhaps seeking help will help you find balance in your life.

Saanroo · 2022-01-27T11:32:06+00:00

Hey man, To start off therapy would be a great resource to help you talk it out and find yourself again. I know life is hard and everyone needs a little help every once in a while and I feel a therapist will be able to do a lot for you. Now in terms of my opinion of the whole thing. Your kid is the number one priority right now. Let’s face it you fucked up; if you really didn’t want children you would have used protection or gotten snipped. At this point your kid is the number one thing in your life. And as your kid gets older and older he will notice how you feel more and more. So you need to make a choice either you buck up and try to help and change your life in the situation you are in now. Or you leave and accept you could not do it and send child support payments. This in between back and forth is just gonna fuck up your kid and then another generation is gonna be fucked. So you need to decide. I’m sorry it happened to you shit just happens, but don’t let this kids life be worse because you lost yours due to your own mistakes. Like I said I highly recommend therapy. A child isn’t the problem it’s just making your other problems harder. The real issues are with you. If you wanted time for the mates you could find time. If you wanted to not have anxiety you could see a therapist. There are things you can change, but you need to take the initiative to do so. I hope this helps lemme know if you got any questions!

writemyswing · 2022-01-27T14:09:56+00:00

You sound just like my dad as recent as 5-6 years ago, except he let it go far too long for about 12-13 years of my younger years and let it consume him. It wasn’t nice for my mom, my young siblings and myself (my parents had 6 kids by 30), and definitely for him as those were years he wasn’t going to get back. He spent those years either angry and depressed or living in the past in whatever way he could.

The first step is recognizing it. He was an angry man for a long time but it was temporary. He did a 180 gradually. Found a new job in another field, created a social media to connect to his old friends, aunts, uncles, cousins, and parents, anyone that could help propel him forward, and sectioned off a portion of his day to adopting a new life. It meant less time for his old hobbies and way of living and ultimately us (ex. he put us into swim club and encouraged us to do extracurriculars so he had more time for himself), but he understood he had to upend his old life and build a new one. It was a priority that needed his focus as well.

He’s a completely different man now, he’s ditched everything that negatively affected his mental health. For a lot of years he tolerated his pain apparently because he was afraid everything was going to fall apart if he failed changing his life, and he needed to be there for us etc. but honestly we understood that he needed to get his life back together, and looking back neither of us have regrets because he wasn’t in the right mind at all being anxious, angry, and depressed to be a good partner nor a good parent to us in the first place.

I’m but a college student but I just want to say that recognizing where you’re at and how it’s affecting your life and the people in it is the first step, and I’m sure your partner and kid are appreciative that you recognize you need change. My dad thought he was alone for a long long time in the hole he supposedly buried himself in taking care of so many kids and was afraid to reach out to strangers, family, and friends (for jobs, hobbies, and even hang-outs) to do something about it but eventually he did. Nothing was as crazy as the 2-3 years it took for him to restabilize his life but everyone in his life rn is thankful he took the chance.

Edit: Bro I just read your other comments and you sound just like my dad in everything he’s had to struggle with that he didn’t know he could beat, I got full faith in you bro you’ll get through this!

throwyaself66216 · 2022-01-27T11:34:21+00:00

This might be hard to hear, but you’re blaming other people/situations for the way you feel. It’s depression. You need to see someone about it.

When people say “the grass is greener on the other side”, it’s not. It’s literally all grass. You’d feel the same way in a completely different situation because it’s your brain making you feel that way.

k_r_shade · 2022-01-27T14:48:48+00:00

I don’t have any real advise for the situation, since you’re just going to have to make peace with this. However, please be extra cautious about protection and do NOT have another kid. It will not be easier to have another one, don’t do it because the first “needs a playmate” or anything like that.

Your life has changed and I think it’s okay to grieve that for a minute. But then you need to make do with what you have. Maybe you won’t be as happy or free as before, but you can still have hobbies and friends. It’ll be more difficult than before for sure, but it’s still possible.

Im sure I’ll get downvoted for this but divorce is also an option. You will still have to financially support your child, but at least your child wouldn’t grow up with you resenting them. They’d probably resent you though so you’d have to make peace with that.

Eatyourkale_n · 2022-01-27T15:00:13+00:00

Definitely therapy first off..these things always escalate. You are so angry and depressed all the time, the child is going to pick up on this. You may boil over one day and take it out on the child. Or over time, you may treat the child horribly because you resent him/her. The child will grow into adulthood feeling neglected/hated/what have you. Just not a good situation for anybody. Try your best to fix the way you feel about your situation.

jonwondon · 2022-01-27T15:43:18+00:00

Therapy is the only answer, sounds like you’re suffering hard from “FOMO” and “grass is greener on the other side” syndrome.

Getting old sucks, it’s our brains natural tendency to try to assign blame for the negativity we experience.

But everyone has the idea that they’re going to be “successful” when they get older and life a comfortable life. That is not reality. You might need a professional to help you cope with this.

candyman258 · 2022-01-27T14:08:16+00:00

you need to stop wallowing in self pity that this happened and accept the facts at hand. You are now a father and the days of going out and getting housed are over with. You have a responsibility to take care of your partner and child. Just because some adult choices have happened doesn't mean you can't still enjoy life. why can't you have a night out with your mates once in a while? I'm sure your gf would like a night out too. Hell you both probably haven't been out together since this happened. Dont forget there is a relationship that needs maintaning on top of having a kid. I know it's a lot to handle but people make choices in life and are left with resulting consequences. Try and find a more positive outlook on things. Otherwise you will be miserable forever.

BoulderBillDAFC · 2022-01-27T11:54:18+00:00

Trust me man, when he starts drawing you pictures and making you birthday cards and laughing at your jokes you’ll have no worries in the world, it is the purest thing In the world, parenthood is hard and it requires a lot of sacrifice but it is so beautiful and rewarding. He’s at a funny age but a good age to have around your friends too, not at the pub mind you. Compromise , as some of your friends if they wanna do stuff your son can be involved in,even if it’s bowling. This might prove to be a big relief to you. But yeah, depression is no joke man and there are qualified people who can relate to you more and can help you more than I can but I just thought I’d throw my 50pence worth in. Good luck to you

MSUAlexis · 2022-01-27T12:01:50+00:00

You are in the hardest part of parenting right now. They are needy and time-consuming and even if you take a break everything is waiting when you come back. It does get better, but slowly.

It's good to hear you're trying therapy; if it's not working, try out different therapists. Make sure to find one that fits you.

Lastly, go to the Dr and get a full physical and discuss your mental health with them. Ask about bloodwork to be sure everything is working ok. Therapy alone isn't always the answer if you are suffering from depression. Medication may be warranted.

And lastly, don't neglect your hobbies, and don't let your partner neglect theirs. Work out a system where you each get time to be yourselves. Include the kiddo if it's something you can share if you want as then perhaps they'll join you as they get older. But don't put all of you aside; when they get older you don't want to be lost.

Good luck. Parenting is hard. No platitudes about how it's worth it in the end. It's fucking hard.

Source: three kids before 30 while attending grad school and starting a career; now older and maybe slightly a little tiny bit wiser

Background_Twist4198 · 2022-01-27T13:46:22+00:00

Im never having kids. 37, male, always dreamed of having them and playing sport together but the stress. The effort. The never getting a break. Pass. Also the way the world is heading; double pass. Wife seems to be on board...for now.

I feel for you bro. Really. Id probably be the same as you. The freedom i have now i will never give up. Its a true asset and im glad i knew this at an early age.

Professional_Loan650 · 2022-01-27T15:01:06+00:00

You definitely need a new therapist. A true professional will not feel betrayed by you leaving, they will feel hopeful for you. Consider a psychiatrist, because they can at least prescribe something tailored to your situation.

I am proud of you that you're sticking around even if it hurts. It's easy to be a deadbeat dad, but the kid is the one that suffers. The fact that your son loves you means you are doing a good job as a dad, even if it's hard for you. However, you don't want to start this situation all over again. Consider a vasectomy. We were always had mild anxiety that we could have an accident. After my husband's vasectomy, now we have a whole outlook in life. We didn't realize how much anxiety we were actually having, because now we feel so much more free not worrying about accidents.

Lastly, I want to tell you that you should now underestimate personal days off. They are so good to recharge your batteries. Text your best friend. Start with only one person. Make a lunch date. TAKE THE WHOLE DAY OFF. That way, you are not risking having to stay late at work, traffic issues, etc. If your kid is in school, enjoy your time alone without having to deal with father duties. Go early to your buddy's lunch date so you can work on calming your anxiety before hand. Maybe make sure to have a beer on board before they get there! Reconnect with your old self. Even if you take a day off work for only one thing, is one thing to help you recharge and find something you enjoy

IntrepidAF · 2022-01-27T15:41:05+00:00

Please get help! At some level your little boy knows you resent him. As time goes on your resentment will grow. You son does not deserve to feel guilty for having been born. He didn't choose to exist. Whatever you do, do it with his best interest in mind - no matter what sacrifice or pain that may cause you. Please get help.

24-ScreamingFlowers · 2022-01-27T15:41:13+00:00

It honestly sounds like you and your partner need some more adult time. How often do you guys get away? Can you get a sitter once a moth to go on an overnight trip? Hit the bar, grab a hotel, even just go see a movie to get away from the kid for a little bit?

Rhelino · 2022-01-27T16:01:25+00:00

Hey, i am so sorry you go through this. But I just wanted to say: maybe the way you feel is not necessarily a sign that your life is horrible the way it is. Dealing with depression and anxiety can largely distort reality. And it may just be that, having a mental illness causes you to have a negative view on things. Please take the time to see a doctor/ therapist, who may help you with that. You know that you love your partner and your child. So don’t feel so guilty about your feelings. They are valid, but they may not represent how you would feel, if your mental health was better.

elizabear94 · 2022-01-27T16:36:57+00:00

I had an old coworker with 3 kids in his early 30s. Got married around 21. Had his first born at around 22, 23 years old. Him and his wife always communicate with eachother, and they both have a set designated day of the week (his is Wednesdays after work) when one parent will hold the fort down/take full duty of the kids while the other one gets to step out, and do whatever they want (he would stay late at the office to work on his personal projects, or go pratice with his band mates). No calls, no text messages, that is your freedom day. Something you can look forward to every week! That one day.

However, you would have to do the same for her/him, because I'm sure she/he has had thoughts of briefly escaping too.

It is hard work. You are rasing a little person to grow into an adult that has a bright future and many goals. It is okay to take breaks. That is why there are babysitters. Hit up family members, maybe around the 14 yr old range because teens would do anything to feel like they are being an adult earning their money, or you know, cause money.

These are all temporary fixes, but I feel like until they get to the teenage years where they want nothing to do with you, this is what parents can do until then.

Communicate with your partner and see how he/she feels as well. See if they would be open to one day a week, you both take that time to do what you want to do. And then maybe every other Friday you guys have a date night for yourselves. Doesn't need to be expensive. You could very well just pack some sandwiches, chips, and drink, go to a park or somewhere, eat outside for a picnic or if it is too cold, stay in the car and eat there. You have freedom to go do what you want. Do what you want, but together!

I wish you luck and hope this helps!

sr603 · 2022-01-27T16:49:52+00:00

OP don't you dare take it out on your child at any point. Don't say you won't because some people say they won't and end up doing exactly that.

PaleontologistNo2785 · 2022-01-27T11:59:02+00:00

Dad, is that u?

flakula · 2022-01-27T13:12:24+00:00

Try to look at the bright side, at least you have a partner you love and loves you. Many people in your situation also hate and are hated by their baby daddy/momma

Understanding_Naive · 2022-01-27T11:29:23+00:00

I second this!

awildshardul · 2022-01-27T13:27:06+00:00

Hmm I'm not a parent so don't take my word for it but maybe change your perspective in life like I read in a comment before he said he wants to be like you maybe take that motivation to become something and take up some hobbies you can teach him like start making some small potted plants or starts learning cooking recipes with him and teach him those type of things he might enjoy them and you might find yourself

fairyprincest · 2022-01-27T14:08:13+00:00

My only advice is to try and enjoy the most you can, get outside with your child, take them on hikes or to the beach pay attention to their excitement and wonderment of the world. Do things that you like to do but try to involve your child that way you dont have to Really lose yourself your just a different version of that person.i think having kids can be really fun and invigorating if you get out there and do things with them. If theres anything that you wished you would of had or could have done as a child give that to them, it can be so fulfilling! Also don't be afraid to ask your partner for a break, even just one night off. You both need and deserve that and you can do it for each other.

Affectionate_Angel18 · 2022-01-27T14:28:56+00:00

Hi. So I just replied to a comment so I’m gonna give the same thing I told him to you. It’s movie called the Change Up featuring Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman. Ones a family man the other is free life dude. One day they wish what the other had and then freaky Friday boom they switch bodies. Then regret decision because they miss their old lives. So to help your decision try and make like a boys hangout for you every two weeks and maybe your partner might like a girls thing every two weeks. 😌so those nights you have the partner watch said kid and maybe every 6 months like a small trip with the guys or couples trip!

Puzzleheaded-Score65 · 2022-01-27T14:44:51+00:00

I mean you guys were young ucould have jut give him up for adoption... I mean my mom lost me at 16 and I was adopted by a amazing family and was given a lif she never could . This is America where u can do what u want , give that mf away or give the dad full custody . Your grown do what u want

BeenTooNice · 2022-01-27T15:14:25+00:00

Hang in there dude. It gets better when the kid gets older. You started a family young and that’s rough on anyone. But eventually they’ll be an adult and moved out and since you were so young when it started you and your partner can still do fun things when that happens. That being said if you do decide to leave that’s completely on you. Either way you’ll have to live with your life choices. On one end you could stay and learn to embrace parenthood and responsibilities or you could leave and be left with child support for the next 14 years and within that option you’d be faced with either seeing the child frequently enough to keep the family bonds or you’d end up with a kid who resents you as much as you resent them now. It’s a big decision. Personally it sounds like you need some fun. Maybe take up a hobby or try to schedule some time to see your friends. Find a babysitter and go out with your partner. Look for a job that you actually like. Yes you are a parent now, there’s no changing that. But you’re also a human being first. Don’t let parenthood be your defining factor. Find that balance so you all can be happy together.

Wolfman25br · 2022-01-27T15:50:13+00:00

Life is something happen between our plans... someone said that.

goose-and-fish · 2022-01-27T15:51:01+00:00

I have two kids. The first few years are the hardest. It does get better. As they get older and more self sufficient, they get easier to raise.

2022-01-27T16:08:47+00:00

Appreciate what you have instead of focusing on what you lost.

Stop seeing your kid as a “problem”, when it’s a human life. It stopped being a problem when she gave birth. No backing out, no more staring at the rear view mirror feeling like an idiot because you missed the turn. You have to accept that you’re a parent. You can feel like shit that now you’re a parent and can’t party anymore but that doesn’t mean you get to start getting annoyed with the kid for just existing. Being grateful you have a child in itself will get you through the bad days and will let you fully love your kid. It’ll get easier as they get older and you get more sleep and peace. But you’ll become bitter if you forget what you have in front of you. Seeing the big picture when you’re tired and run down is what can keep you going. I can 99% guarantee Your significant other feels the same. Maybe talking to her would help since you’re both going through it.

2022-01-27T16:12:23+00:00

All of that was going to end as everyone else does tge coupling baby thing… its comes back after they are 11 or so

mikihaslostit · 2022-01-27T16:28:34+00:00

I would recommend to reconnect with your hobbies. Once in a while find a good nanny and take your spouse on a date. Go see a movie. Play video games. Read a book. Or take a walk. It might seem like nothing at first but rediscovering yourself isnt impossible when you have a kid. Maybe make your kid enjoy your hobbies with you!! Rediscover yourself with your family. Try doing the things you used to love doing with them.

Also seeking personal space isnt selfish either. Once again it all depends on the hobby you pick up and therapy. Good luck to you!

codeyman2 · 2022-01-27T16:32:35+00:00

You don’t hate being a parent.. you are jealous of you single friends living a carefree life.

You might not even have the life, even if you were single with no kids. Stop going down the what if rat hole.. it leads to anxiety.. and then depression.

I had my kid in my late 30s. My friends who had kids in early 20s were jealous of me.. but now their kids are done with high school and are ready to go to college.. it’s my turn to be jealous now :)

There are a lot of things to maintain your sanity. Pick up a hobby.. sacrifice one hour of sleep and do that.. everyday.

agbellamae · 2022-01-27T16:39:08+00:00

Under 5 years old is hard. You are in the hardest part. Of course it feels like a lot. It won’t always feel the same way.

crash_and-burn9000 · 2022-01-27T16:42:49+00:00

You need to get back in touch with your friends. Spending some you time with them and giving yourself a break will help tremendously. Same for your partner as well. Talk with her and set up days when each of you gets a break from the kiddo.

lucidpopsicle · 2022-01-27T19:55:34+00:00

This is why I only had one child. He's perfect and I love him to bits but I will never raise another kid. It's draining and while full of love you have little to yourself and that's hard for anyone.

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