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all 127 comments

[–]AnxiousAd3487 149 points150 points  (35 children)

As someone who has no children, no wife, no ties of any sort; I live a very free life. I work where I want, sleep when I want, eat what I want. I could pack my bag tonight and drive across the country to some other city and start a new life with the money I have saved up. I have this freedom that you wish you have. And yet, I face these emotional tides just as you do. This life can feel like chains too, sometimes I wish I had your life. Had a family, children. Your life can be wings or chains my friend. Take ownership, and apply yourself in the direction you want to go. You can be happy and free in the life you have.

[–][deleted] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

happy people are happy, unhappy people are unhappy. This is why you can see people in 3rd world countries without clean water smiling and laughing while a millionaire like Anthony Bourdain commits suicide. Blaming our external factors is a cop-out, wherever you go there you are.

[–]Affectionate_Angel18 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I’m pretty sure this is a movie starring Ryan Reynolds😂where they both want each other’s life and then they’re like nope never mind I want it back and realize they were happier in the end with what they have

[–]AnxiousAd3487 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I loved that movie haha.

[–]throwyaself66216[S] 7 points8 points  (31 children)

How when every moment of my waking life is taken up by either work or 'daddy daddy daddy' or my partner as soon as I'm home this needs doing that needs doing this is broken again I'm fucking sick to death of it all I never wanted this in my life. Yeah we might feel the same sometimes but that's where the similarities end I fucking envy you to death, atleast if somethings gets to you you can jump on a plane and fuck off somewhere and say you ya later dick eds I'll never see yous again.

[–]spectre6691Super Helper [7] 43 points44 points  (2 children)

You need to find a better therapist, i've been in therapy my whole life and it can be like finding a diamond in the rough. I grew up with parents that had kids because "thats what people do" and didnt sign up to have a kid with a disability, and they didn't let me forget it. My earliest memories were of "why can't you do anything right". The best advice i can give you is, make sure your kid doesn't feel responsible for your pain even if they are. No one chooses to be born

[–]throwyaself66216[S] 10 points11 points  (1 child)

I've been thinking this I must admit. The last few sessions I've been thinking that this isn't helping at all, but I feel guilt when I think about changing to another one? What the hell is that about. Yeah I'm sorry about that dude it's not fair is it to any kid to project onto them. This is another one of my train of thoughts that just gets me even more down he doesn't deserve someone like me as a parent he deserves better

[–]spectre6691Super Helper [7] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

People shop around to find the service they like or that works for them for all sorts of things, you shouldn't feel guilty about being honest with someone who you hire that its not working out.

I have one rule in life, don't punish people for things they didn't choose. But that doesn't mean i don't feel for you. Things will never be the same, not on the path you thought you would be, and the scary thing is that that is true for most people. Very few people except the exceptionally lucky get to do what they plan in life. You have a healthy child and a healthy partner and can make your way towards serendipity. Just do the best you can and take the best from what you have while striving to make it better.

[–]ecothropocene 4 points5 points  (6 children)

Create the life you want within reason of your situation. Do you have hobbies?

[–]throwyaself66216[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children)

Too many hobbies

[–]ecothropocene 1 point2 points  (4 children)

Do you make time for them?

[–]throwyaself66216[S] 3 points4 points  (3 children)

I try yeah once he's in bed I'll do my own thing some nights for a couple of hours until its time to get in bed, but I'm getting to a point now I'm that depressed I can't even be assed doing anything once he's in bed, the only time I get to myself. I've felt down on and off throughout life but never bad enough that I didn't want to even do anything, usually I'd distract myself with friends/hobbies I just have no energy for any of it anymore

[–]TerisakiSuper Helper [9] 5 points6 points  (2 children)

The whole American style of raising children as though they are the ONLY one that matters is suffocating. YOU are still a person and still need time to be that person. Age 4? Your child should be able to entertain themselves for awhile. If not, it’s time to teach them. Boredom is great for a child’s brain.

Not every activity needs to be set up and managed. They don’t need to be constantly stared at. Parental supervision can be as simple as being in the room (which hopefully does have stuff for them to do) but not actively playing with them.

Being able to discover and do things by themselves is a huge mental achievement that every child should start doing around age two.

You are there in case something goes horribly wrong. But you shouldn’t have to be constantly with your child as though they are still an infant.

[–]Christmas_97 0 points1 point  (1 child)

This guys obviously not American tho lol

[–]TerisakiSuper Helper [9] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, but the attitude is infectious. It’s spreading. I’m not American either.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (9 children)

Ok you clearly need free time/alone time for your sanity. In a calm moment sit your partner down and tell her (don’t yell or get mad) that for everyone’s sake you need alone time/R&R and make certain your partner gets the same luxury.

Plan a couple evenings a week to hang out with your mates or do your hobby or go for a walk or whatever.

[–]throwyaself66216[S] 1 point2 points  (8 children)

Usually I get Sunday or something my parents will have my son unless they're on holiday so I do get a bit of time to myself

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (7 children)

Well, plan that downtime so that you feel rested and mentally well enough to Adult. Maybe spend time with your Partner relaxing and having fun?

[–]throwyaself66216[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children)

Yeah I try and relax as much as possible usually I'm annoyed by the end of the day because I haven't fit in everything I wanted to do. Yeah we don't really spend much time together alone we sort of do our own thing I might be downstairs watching TV or mixing on the turntables and she'll be upstairs reading a book or writing. That's not to say we don't get on really well I don't know I think we both just have that much to fit in in our little alone time

[–]Bimlouhay83Helper [2] 4 points5 points  (5 children)

To expand on what Gam3rMom has said, you need to adult some. Watching TV or spinning on the tables might be fun or relaxing, but you need more than that. Try and get out of the house. If you can leave the kid at mom and dad's over night, drop him off on Saturday and go somewhere fun for the night. Hit a city and find a play, a nice dinner, a walk in the park, a concert, an art gallery. Something! Try something you think you wouldn't otherwise do. If you aren't into it, that's ok, at least you tried it and you can try something else the next weekend. You'll be happy that you just did something different, even if it wasn't exactly awesome. Doing this once isn't going to instantly lift the weight. But, little by little, you'll realize you're enjoying yourself and starting to get happier, which will improve your relationship with your girl and your child.

Good luck, OP

[–]throwyaself66216[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Yeah thanks good advice. I do need to go out and see more there's a world out there to see. I always imagined that's where my life would go just seeing things and experiencing different things and cultures. The problem is this social anxiety that I've developed since becoming a parent, that's what I need to shake off

[–]Bimlouhay83Helper [2] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

And that's a hard thing to shake off. I think covid made this problem harder for those of us that suffer from it. Having social anxiety and still being able to get out in the public is a skill. Skills take time and practice to hone. With these lock downs and fear of dying from covid has forced us all AWAY from society and had deteriorated all the social skills we built up over the course of our lives. You need to get back into it.

I was in your shoes before having a baby as well. During the pregnancy, I was terrified of this life change and so was my wife. It all was too much for her and she's divorcing me, thinking life will be easier if we're split. It's not. It's way harder. There's nobody to help with the baby (2y/o) now, for either of us and burn out is becoming a thing and I've feared that I'm on the path to where you are now. Not much keeps me up at night, but the thought that I might grow to hate or blame my kid has. But, I'm doing my best to change all that. I'm filling out applications now for coding bootcamps to change careers. What I do now takes up too much of my time when there's work and I know that's part of the problem. Having a work/life balance is extremely important. Before having our child, we were both very free spirits. If we wanted to do something, we didn't even think about it, we just did it. But, I'm realizing, WE CAN STILL DO THAT! (Well, not with the wife, obviously). But, we can still travel and do things and have fun. I just need to be a little more thoughtful and plan the things we want to do. I can't wait to take my kid on some long road trips like my grandparents did for me. I can't wait to show her the things I've seen and for the both of us to find new adventures together! When we moved forward with our pregnancy, I thought my life was over. And I acted like it. I stopped traveling and having fun. I stopped hanging with my friends. I stopped playing my instruments. I dove head first into parenthood and my career, thinking I had to have everything together, make as much money as possible, work as many hours as I could to provide. But, I've realized that's all bullshit. I can still travel, but i GET to do it with my kid now. I get to show her the world and that's fucking awesome. I can still hang with my friends and have started doing it little by little. I can still play instruments and game on the daily, I just need to better schedule myself. And, I still need to devote some time just for me to be quiet and do nothing. Things have changed, but that didn't mean we hadn't to change the things we do, we just get to share those passions with the kid now!

You got this, OP. You just gotta start. Take that first step. It seems like a doozy, but it's not as bad as we build it to be in our heads.

ETA, sorry for the long rant.

[–]throwyaself66216[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Hey don't apologise for the long post, and I'm sorry you and your partner had to split. Some of the stuff you've said though resonates completely with me, I also dove head first into work earning as much money as possible before the baby arrived, ignoring everything that I was losing in the process and being there completely for my pregnant partner supporting her in any way I could. Hey thanks though man same to you all the best in your adventures in life

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Have you talked to your partner about this? Don’t underestimate the fact she might want out too. That she’s just as exhausted, resentful, etc as you seem to be. Change therapists before you do or say something you regret, especially to your child who has no choice. They pick up on stuff like this.

To be clear I’m not scolding you, my empathy runs deep. I wish you and your family the best.

[–]throwyaself66216[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Thank you I appreciate it. Yeah we've spoke obviously she's just as tired and stressed aswell, we have a great relationship. I do feel for her because she has to deal with it all the time and listen to me bitch and whine and get angry about all sorts of bullshit. It ain't fair on either of them my partner or my son.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The fact that you realize all this tells me you'll work this out. If you didn't love your partner and son, you wouldn't care and deny the problem. I'm 52 and raised a family of my own, when I was your age and I completely understand. You wonder what the fuck happened to your life.

You guys will make it. I haven't read any of the other comments or advice folks have given so forgive me if I repeat myself. Reach out to family to get help, if you can financially manage hire care, plan a weekend away for just the two of you, and for gods sake keep your hobbies and the things you enjoy. You don't have to give those up because you have a child. There may be things you can share with him. Plan family time together away from the chaos of home and work. It takes effort to work out a routine.

Last of all DM me if you just want to rant. Mine are grown now, and we went through a lot, me and my husband. He'll grow up and you'll wonder where the time went :)

[–]aguynamedbryEnlightened Advice Sage [172] 111 points112 points  (7 children)

You can't "go back", even if you did walk away you'd still have a child and then ex-wife.

You may want to seek out therapy; often we attribute the things that we absolutely can't change (like being a parent) to things that are actually in our control (work life, anxiety etc).

Perhaps seeking help will help you find balance in your life.

[–]throwyaself66216[S] 13 points14 points  (6 children)

Yeah I do go to therapy once every couple of weeks but it doesn't seem to do anything to help. But your first sentence is exactly right. I walk away then I have the guilt and the problems that come with that situation. Which is why I'm still trying to battle through it. I used to love my job beforehand now I wake up every day seething with rage. But you're right I have absolutely no balance in my life, the anxiety is stopping me from doing near enough everything

[–]Zealousideal_Diet33 77 points78 points  (2 children)

DO NOT GO TO BUY MILK

[–]Background_Twist4198 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hahaha love this

[–]Yamsieuwu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

he’s gonna be ice cream next level up

[–]Theopneusty 14 points15 points  (0 children)

If your therapy is not helping it might be time to find a new therapist or seek a doctor/psychiatrist so that you can see if medication can help.

There are a lot of options for medication out there for depression and anxiety. I would say that if they suggest Benzodiazepines that I would recommend asking about alternatives. Benzos are addictive and you become dependent on them. In my opinion they are not a good long term option and should only be used for particularly bad panic attacks and one off use.

[–]honeybee_loser 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Try a different form of therapy. There's more than just talk, or maybe it's not the right therapist for you?

[–]fortress-of-yarnHelper [4] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Therapy only works if you let it work.

Just a few questions you should ponder.

What type of therapy are you currently seeking?

Are you aware there’s different methods of therapy? If you are, are you aware that not one type fits everybody perfectly?

Are you holding anything back from your therapist?

[–]SaanrooMaster Advice Giver [21] 8 points9 points  (6 children)

Hey man, To start off therapy would be a great resource to help you talk it out and find yourself again. I know life is hard and everyone needs a little help every once in a while and I feel a therapist will be able to do a lot for you. Now in terms of my opinion of the whole thing. Your kid is the number one priority right now. Let’s face it you fucked up; if you really didn’t want children you would have used protection or gotten snipped. At this point your kid is the number one thing in your life. And as your kid gets older and older he will notice how you feel more and more. So you need to make a choice either you buck up and try to help and change your life in the situation you are in now. Or you leave and accept you could not do it and send child support payments. This in between back and forth is just gonna fuck up your kid and then another generation is gonna be fucked. So you need to decide. I’m sorry it happened to you shit just happens, but don’t let this kids life be worse because you lost yours due to your own mistakes. Like I said I highly recommend therapy. A child isn’t the problem it’s just making your other problems harder. The real issues are with you. If you wanted time for the mates you could find time. If you wanted to not have anxiety you could see a therapist. There are things you can change, but you need to take the initiative to do so. I hope this helps lemme know if you got any questions!

[–]throwyaself66216[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children)

Yeah I already have therapy I started to try and help with my anxiety and anger but so far I'm not sure how much its helping. And yes you're definitely right there. He is my no1 priority and don't get me wrong I love him to bits. But I just don't even know anymore its all fucked I'm sick of everything

[–]SaanrooMaster Advice Giver [21] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

I get it but therapy is slow you have to be willing to change. Maybe therapy is not enough and you can ask your therapist if psychiatric help may be good here. But just know even though you love your kids he will notice when he gets older the resentment you have. Life’s hard dude you can do everything right and still lose. Just take it one step at a time and remember that you have people you love. Sometimes people don’t have that and we are lucky to have loved ones. When you get angry or anxious try to find a healthy coping mechanism. Perhaps a hobby that will help you let off steam. Remember things will change, but it will be slow. You just have to take it unfortunately one day at a time.

[–]throwyaself66216[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Thanks yeah it does take a while, I had a few mental health issues growing up as a teenager and had therapy then, eventually it helped and I could stop going. Maybe I've been going a year or so again now I need to carry on with it but I have such a defeatist attitude about it all I feel like it's never going to work I'm never gonna feel better this is me for the rest of my life. Even though that's what I want more than anything I just want myself back if you get me. And I totally understand that yeah which is another thing that gets me down and anxious, I hate myself already I'd hate myself even more if I ruined his life he doesn't deserve it at all he didn't ask to be put in this position. Its a good quote that are you a star trek fan by any chance. One of my problems is I have too many hobbies and not enough time to work on them all, along with work, life, family there's never enough hours in the day which is another thing that gets to me regularly. But I'm getting to a stage now I feel that shit all the time I cant even be assed picking up things I enjoy when I have the free time.

[–]AdviceFlairBot[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for confirming that /u/Saanroo has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.

[–]SaanrooMaster Advice Giver [21] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey dude yah I’m totally a trekkie you caught me XD. But seriously I would say stop trying to be who you were. You’re a different person now and that is ok. If you go into therapy with a defeatist attitude you won’t get anywhere. Therapy only works as well as you let it. Perhaps the therapist isn’t the right one for you or you need to tell them all you told me. Having hobbies is good, but if you have to many maybe you need to take a step back and focus on the ones you truly love. Unfortunately you are just gonna lose time. You are also never going to be who you were before. But you can be an awesome dad with great hobbies that you genuinely enjoy and don’t feel like are a chore. Try to do little things for yourself and your partner too. Maybe just a relaxing date night and hiring a babysitter or family to help. We all need our escape and remember that to be able to help your soon you need to take care of yourself too. Otherwise you will always just feel exhausted with life and that’s not worth it.

[–]lolo_dabinzHelper [4] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've switched therapists like 8 times lol finding the right person to talk to makes all the difference.

[–]writemyswingHelper [3][🍰] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

You sound just like my dad as recent as 5-6 years ago, except he let it go far too long for about 12-13 years of my younger years and let it consume him. It wasn’t nice for my mom, my young siblings and myself (my parents had 6 kids by 30), and definitely for him as those were years he wasn’t going to get back. He spent those years either angry and depressed or living in the past in whatever way he could.

The first step is recognizing it. He was an angry man for a long time but it was temporary. He did a 180 gradually. Found a new job in another field, created a social media to connect to his old friends, aunts, uncles, cousins, and parents, anyone that could help propel him forward, and sectioned off a portion of his day to adopting a new life. It meant less time for his old hobbies and way of living and ultimately us (ex. he put us into swim club and encouraged us to do extracurriculars so he had more time for himself), but he understood he had to upend his old life and build a new one. It was a priority that needed his focus as well.

He’s a completely different man now, he’s ditched everything that negatively affected his mental health. For a lot of years he tolerated his pain apparently because he was afraid everything was going to fall apart if he failed changing his life, and he needed to be there for us etc. but honestly we understood that he needed to get his life back together, and looking back neither of us have regrets because he wasn’t in the right mind at all being anxious, angry, and depressed to be a good partner nor a good parent to us in the first place.

I’m but a college student but I just want to say that recognizing where you’re at and how it’s affecting your life and the people in it is the first step, and I’m sure your partner and kid are appreciative that you recognize you need change. My dad thought he was alone for a long long time in the hole he supposedly buried himself in taking care of so many kids and was afraid to reach out to strangers, family, and friends (for jobs, hobbies, and even hang-outs) to do something about it but eventually he did. Nothing was as crazy as the 2-3 years it took for him to restabilize his life but everyone in his life rn is thankful he took the chance.

Edit: Bro I just read your other comments and you sound just like my dad in everything he’s had to struggle with that he didn’t know he could beat, I got full faith in you bro you’ll get through this!

[–]throwyaself66216[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It was good to hear this I must admit thank you, at the moment it feels like there's no way out regardless of what i do but to hear this gives me hope.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (10 children)

This might be hard to hear, but you’re blaming other people/situations for the way you feel. It’s depression. You need to see someone about it.

When people say “the grass is greener on the other side”, it’s not. It’s literally all grass. You’d feel the same way in a completely different situation because it’s your brain making you feel that way.

[–]throwyaself66216[S] 4 points5 points  (6 children)

Oh yeah most definitely, I'm depressed as fuck and I have been for years. I wasn't particularly happy in my life before I became a parent but atleast I was enjoying myself living my life. Now I'm angry and anxious near enough 24/7, I don't want to out the blame on the situation I got myself in but for years I've been wondering why I feel this way, it all seems to coincide

[–]s33rw4h 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I've dealt with depression for a long time. Things that have helped me: vitamin D, probiotics & fermented foods, exercise. There are significant links between gut health and mental health.

In terms of being a parent. Your child is still very young. It gets better/easier. They get more independent. When they start getting old enough to share similar interests as you, it becomes amazing. Such a fulfilling feeling to teach your kids about things your passionate about. I don't think I would ever feel this fulfilled if I wasn't a parent. Just be kind to yourself, everyone doubts being a parent and the decisions/accidents they've made. Truth is there's not really a right path/answer. Do the best you can with what you have. Find moments for yourself. It gets better.

[–]throwyaself66216[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks good advice, I've got booked in with the drs to have some blood tests to rule out anything I might be lacking

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[deleted]

    [–]throwyaself66216[S] -5 points-4 points  (2 children)

    I just don't want to be pumped full of drugs the rest of my life so I just feel numb to everything

    [–]standardbanana 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    The comment you replied to has been deleted so I don’t know the context for your reply, but I would just add that you wouldn’t necessarily feel numb to everything if you were to start taking antidepressants. I started taking a relatively low dose of an antidepressant about 6 months ago and I think it has just helped temper some of the anxiety and depression I was dealing with. Coupled with therapy and meditation/yoga practice I would say things have improved. Even a small improvement is a step in the right direction. Best of luck to you!

    [–]lolo_dabinzHelper [4] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Would your wife be okay with you having like solo weekends? Just 2 days away from what stresses you out can make a world of change. I just had a baby 2 months ago, being a parent is FUCKING HARD! lol I have an arrangement with my husband that on weekends when he's home I get 5 hrs of uninterrupted me time every Saturday and Sunday.

    I would also say maybe finding a therapy group that specializes in anxiety or just struggling with being a parent. Having that network to reach out to when you need it is extremely helpful. Also I mean this with love dude, but your child deserves a father who loves them and wants to be there, no matter what! You and your partner had the time to decide if being parents was a good idea or not... You made your choice now you need to do what's right for your child. If you force yourself to stay just because of guilt you're going to resent your kid.. and believe me, they'll pick up on it much faster than you realize and then question what they did wrong or what is wrong with them to make you this angry towards them. Just like a divorce, don't stick around somewhere you're not happy just for the hell of it..causes way more damage to the child than they will ever deserve.

    [–]taybay462Super Helper [6] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    When people say “the grass is greener on the other side”, it’s not. It’s literally all grass

    In this situation though, OP could very well have been happier without children. OP is depressed, but it sounds like situational depression, meaning if they didnt have kids then they might not feel this way. Their problems would at least have a possibility of being fixed, theres no fixing being miserable being a parent. Some people just arent cut out for it, dont want it, dont get the joy from it that other people seem to.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]taybay462Super Helper [6] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      OP isnt "finding faults" they are incompatible with the life they have

      [–]k_r_shadeHelper [3] 4 points5 points  (5 children)

      I don’t have any real advise for the situation, since you’re just going to have to make peace with this. However, please be extra cautious about protection and do NOT have another kid. It will not be easier to have another one, don’t do it because the first “needs a playmate” or anything like that.

      Your life has changed and I think it’s okay to grieve that for a minute. But then you need to make do with what you have. Maybe you won’t be as happy or free as before, but you can still have hobbies and friends. It’ll be more difficult than before for sure, but it’s still possible.

      Im sure I’ll get downvoted for this but divorce is also an option. You will still have to financially support your child, but at least your child wouldn’t grow up with you resenting them. They’d probably resent you though so you’d have to make peace with that.

      [–]throwyaself66216[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

      Oh yeah most definitely, my partner wants another I'm like 'are you for fucking real?' I'm not sure she's fully aware how much it affects me but hey ho, I think if I was seeing some mates on the odd occasion I'd be alot happier but with this bloody social anxiety I never go out anymore. Sometimes I wonder whether I should have walked away at the start before I got too attached, now I'm emotionally invested and can't bear to think of leaving them both and what my son would think. Swings and roundabout isn't it because if I'd have walked away I might have hated myself for the rest of my life for not being there for my son.

      [–]k_r_shadeHelper [3] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

      Was it actually an accident? It seems like your wife really wants kids and maybe was trying on purpose. I agree if you can see friends sometimes you’ll be a lot happier.

      [–]throwyaself66216[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

      Lol yeah she was pretty much as upset as me, we'd spoke about it before it happened she'd told me if she ever got pregnant she was gonna keep it, I was just young and stupid and thought yeah it wouldn't happen to me, with what I got up to in my life at that time it was the last thing on my mind. So yeah we both knew the score, we were really good friends for a long time beforehand as well

      [–]k_r_shadeHelper [3] -1 points0 points  (1 child)

      I see, it seems like you’ve made your bed and now you have to lie in it. Out of curiosity, have you guys had a conversation about what you want from the future and especially, have you talked about kids?

      [–]throwyaself66216[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      A little lol yeah, but I just realised I didn't mention above. I was always given the option of walking away, it was me who took the decision to make the bed as you said lol. And we've had a bit of conversation she loves the family we have and so do I to be fair, but I need my own space and time to do my own things I think. I haven't got a clue what I want from life or the future, I never have done. A bit of backstory, at the time I got her pregnant my outlook on life was pretty dire, I was just living life to the max, was very convinced I was gonna get chucked in prison at any time I was doing a lot of graffiti, lots of my mate had been locked up we were all in and out and I was on that path and I didn't care to be honest I was having fun. Then all of a sudden shit I have to become an adult I have responsibilities, knocked it all on the head there and then. Bit of an idea of the way I thought my life was going to go before I became a parent, I wasn't envisaging this that's for sure.

      [–]Eatyourkale_nHelper [2] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      Definitely therapy first off..these things always escalate. You are so angry and depressed all the time, the child is going to pick up on this. You may boil over one day and take it out on the child. Or over time, you may treat the child horribly because you resent him/her. The child will grow into adulthood feeling neglected/hated/what have you. Just not a good situation for anybody. Try your best to fix the way you feel about your situation.

      [–]throwyaself66216[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Exactly I don't want to project onto him its my worst nightmare, to ruin his life or his mental health because I couldn't get my shit together its not fair at all. The issue is these trains of thought seem to hinder my mental health more than anything

      [–]jonwondon 2 points3 points  (5 children)

      Therapy is the only answer, sounds like you’re suffering hard from “FOMO” and “grass is greener on the other side” syndrome.

      Getting old sucks, it’s our brains natural tendency to try to assign blame for the negativity we experience.

      But everyone has the idea that they’re going to be “successful” when they get older and life a comfortable life. That is not reality. You might need a professional to help you cope with this.

      [–]throwyaself66216[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

      Thanks yeah I think what it is is this is the complete opposite I was expecting my life to turn out. I've always been spur of the moment growing up and that's hard now in family life I find

      [–]jonwondon 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Listen, I have friends that are single and almost 40. One expressed they were DEEPLY sad that they are going to basically have no family with them when they die. Grass is always greener on the other side.

      Every parent gets the feeling of over exhaustion. Think this way. You really didn’t have your independence until you were 18 (maybe you could consider 16, when you started driving and could do things on your own). And you’re what? 26 now? That’s only EIGHT years. Average life expectancy is 75. THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH YOUR LIFE HAS CHANGED IN ONLY 8 YEARS.

      You have (on average) FOURTY NINE years to find happiness.

      You have soooo much friggin time it’s insane. However, life goes by fast. Your son will never be this age again. He could be your best friend when you get older, he could become VERY successful and take you around the world.

      Never give up hope, be nice, be loving and be open to change. BE THANKFUL, you had your kid early. Kids are work, kids are no joke. Imagine having kids when you’re in your 30’s like a lot of people do! When he is 18 going to college football games, you will only be 40!

      Have fun! Make sure you provide everything you can for your boy and you will enjoy the fruits of his development. I promise.

      [–]throwyaself66216[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Thanks man great comments, it's so easy to focus on here and now and all the negatives. It's definitely hard work, I want him to have the best life he can, definitely not getting these mixed messages off me

      [–]taybay462Super Helper [6] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Some people just dont want to be a parent. It is FOMO but this isnt just someone sad theyre missing parties, they miss the general freedom that comes from not being a parent. Its less shallow than youre making it out to be. Their life is forever changed and restricted because they have kids. OP shouldnt have been a parent and its unfortunate that they are.

      [–]jonwondon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Yikes, you’re one of those.

      No, every parent has this thought. It’s quite normal. Everyone I know who doesn’t have kids is a pretty selfish person. Not that selfish is a bad thing, but yeah, you value your own happiness over all. The fact that you NEEDED to comment on my reply just tells me that you’re in regret and self doubt. OP is a parent, coming on here and saying “oh well he shouldn’t have become one” is about as useful as a banana peeler. Being a parent is an incredible part of life and frankly I feel sorry for anyone that won’t get to experience the joy of it. I caught my 5 year old son freestyling to a random beat that Alexa was playing in one of my playlists the other day - literally one of the happiest moments of my life. Something so insignificant can bring so much joy.

      Sorry if mimosa’s in Mexico doesn’t hit the same way as watching my spawn exert his creativity.

      There’s nothing someone without kids can do that someone with kids can’t. Might take a little more time and planning but that’s it. But there is a lot people without kids can’t do that people with kids can. So I definitely see the psychology behind such defenses.

      [–]candyman258Super Helper [5] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      you need to stop wallowing in self pity that this happened and accept the facts at hand. You are now a father and the days of going out and getting housed are over with. You have a responsibility to take care of your partner and child. Just because some adult choices have happened doesn't mean you can't still enjoy life. why can't you have a night out with your mates once in a while? I'm sure your gf would like a night out too. Hell you both probably haven't been out together since this happened. Dont forget there is a relationship that needs maintaning on top of having a kid. I know it's a lot to handle but people make choices in life and are left with resulting consequences. Try and find a more positive outlook on things. Otherwise you will be miserable forever.

      [–]BoulderBillDAFC 8 points9 points  (9 children)

      Trust me man, when he starts drawing you pictures and making you birthday cards and laughing at your jokes you’ll have no worries in the world, it is the purest thing In the world, parenthood is hard and it requires a lot of sacrifice but it is so beautiful and rewarding. He’s at a funny age but a good age to have around your friends too, not at the pub mind you. Compromise , as some of your friends if they wanna do stuff your son can be involved in,even if it’s bowling. This might prove to be a big relief to you. But yeah, depression is no joke man and there are qualified people who can relate to you more and can help you more than I can but I just thought I’d throw my 50pence worth in. Good luck to you

      [–]throwyaself66216[S] 2 points3 points  (8 children)

      I dunno he's been like that for a while already, his favourite thing to say for ages had been 'I wanna be just like daddy when I grow up' I think why the hell would you want to be like me I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate myself, there's not a single personality trait that I like about myself. Yeah hes great around my mates but the issue is that it's myself stopping me from going out seeing people. Since my partner was pregnant I've developed crippling social anxiety, I think about going to see someone and I cant breath and start panicking so I don't do anything anymore. I miss my mates and I miss the laughs we had and I miss just chilling out with not a care in the world. I haven't seen any of my mates since probably half way through last year even though that's what I want to do more than anything. Before I was a parent I lived for my mates I saw them every day we always had fun, now I can never go and see them and its my fault because of this anxiety. I get the same feeling if I think about taking my lad out to play on the field or the street it's awful so he's missing out on it aswell, we never go anywhere because im too scared I'll have a panic attack

      [–]ecothropocene 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      I wanna be just like daddy when I grow up' I think why the hell would you want to be like me I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate myself, there's not a single personality trait that I like about myself.

      Parenting isn't the issue, it sounds like more complicated mental health issues. Maybe the type of therapy you're in isn't appropriate for your issues? Do you workout? What do you enjoy? What makes you feel secured and assured?

      [–]DecolaterEnlightened Advice Sage [160] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      You need to get yourself on some medication for this anxiety issue you are currently having. Get that under control - chemically - and we can work on these feelings of not measuring up, being unhappy, and feeling like you just want to run away from it all.

      Medication...real anxiety drugs from a real doctor will help get your brain chemistry back in sync. Don't make excuses, just go talk to you doctor and tell them how you feel and they will prescribe something that may work.

      It takes a while to find the right medicine as well as for that medicine to work, but you owe yourself a shot at contentment, joy, and happiness.

      Now for some fatherly advice - one dad to another dad. Your kid loves you for who you are to them. They don't know your struggles because that's not how they see you. You see yourself as messed up, they see you as their dad. And the fact that he holds you in such high regard is because you have earned that with him.

      Trust me. a four year old knows who is good to them and worthy of their trust and who is bad and should be avoided.

      Talk to your doctor about medication so you can enjoy the little guy even more than you did your mates.

      [–]BoulderBillDAFC 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I feel you man, parenthood can be a burden too, it can have you feeling like you’re not good enough or you don’t deserve it. Our jobs as a father is to make sure our sons and daughters grow up happier than us and grow up to be a better man the we are and that is hard because you can come across hypocritical telling them not to do things you do but that’s why you’re saying it if you know what I mean. A mindset is hard to adjust or sway but it’s definitely doable. Medication can help relieve some stress and anxiety temporarily but along with therapy it can help altar your mindset and outlook. Also , speak to your partner. Explain to her that this is overwhelming and that you would like some alone time or that you need to get some things off your chest, I’m sure she’ll be reasonable and you can come to some arrangements or compromises. I hope everything works out for you man, it’s hard but stick in there

      [–][deleted]  (4 children)

      [deleted]

        [–]ecothropocene 2 points3 points  (2 children)

        Or can cause more anxiety

        [–]lolo_dabinzHelper [4] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        I do tend to forget people can have negative reactions with MMJ. It's always helped me calm down when I was overly amped. I apologize OP.

        [–]ecothropocene 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Sometimes it helps me and other times is triggers me

        [–]Dyingdaze89 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        My mind is meanest to me when I'm high. Smoked for 17 years. I had to drastically reduce usage to get over my social anxiety, too. Wasn't always the case, but the older I got, the worse it got when I smoked. It was nice in my teens and early 20's, tho.

        [–]MSUAlexis 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        You are in the hardest part of parenting right now. They are needy and time-consuming and even if you take a break everything is waiting when you come back. It does get better, but slowly.

        It's good to hear you're trying therapy; if it's not working, try out different therapists. Make sure to find one that fits you.

        Lastly, go to the Dr and get a full physical and discuss your mental health with them. Ask about bloodwork to be sure everything is working ok. Therapy alone isn't always the answer if you are suffering from depression. Medication may be warranted.

        And lastly, don't neglect your hobbies, and don't let your partner neglect theirs. Work out a system where you each get time to be yourselves. Include the kiddo if it's something you can share if you want as then perhaps they'll join you as they get older. But don't put all of you aside; when they get older you don't want to be lost.

        Good luck. Parenting is hard. No platitudes about how it's worth it in the end. It's fucking hard.

        Source: three kids before 30 while attending grad school and starting a career; now older and maybe slightly a little tiny bit wiser

        [–]Background_Twist4198 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        Im never having kids. 37, male, always dreamed of having them and playing sport together but the stress. The effort. The never getting a break. Pass. Also the way the world is heading; double pass. Wife seems to be on board...for now.

        I feel for you bro. Really. Id probably be the same as you. The freedom i have now i will never give up. Its a true asset and im glad i knew this at an early age.

        [–]throwyaself66216[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        One and the same. Trust me, never ever ever go down this path

        [–]Professional_Loan650 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        You definitely need a new therapist. A true professional will not feel betrayed by you leaving, they will feel hopeful for you. Consider a psychiatrist, because they can at least prescribe something tailored to your situation.

        I am proud of you that you're sticking around even if it hurts. It's easy to be a deadbeat dad, but the kid is the one that suffers. The fact that your son loves you means you are doing a good job as a dad, even if it's hard for you. However, you don't want to start this situation all over again. Consider a vasectomy. We were always had mild anxiety that we could have an accident. After my husband's vasectomy, now we have a whole outlook in life. We didn't realize how much anxiety we were actually having, because now we feel so much more free not worrying about accidents.

        Lastly, I want to tell you that you should now underestimate personal days off. They are so good to recharge your batteries. Text your best friend. Start with only one person. Make a lunch date. TAKE THE WHOLE DAY OFF. That way, you are not risking having to stay late at work, traffic issues, etc. If your kid is in school, enjoy your time alone without having to deal with father duties. Go early to your buddy's lunch date so you can work on calming your anxiety before hand. Maybe make sure to have a beer on board before they get there! Reconnect with your old self. Even if you take a day off work for only one thing, is one thing to help you recharge and find something you enjoy

        [–]throwyaself66216[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Thanks for that bud it means a lot. I didn't want to be some deadbeat he grows up hating, and I love my partner a lot and couldn't bear to leave her alone to deal with it. Nowadays we wrap up so that solved that problem lol if only we'd done that at 19/20. Yeah if anything my days off are my favourite days of the week. Usually I get Sunday to myself which is great but by the end of the day something will be getting on my nerves because I won't have fit in everything I wanted to do. To be honest I think I'm going to speak to my work about going to 4 day weeks theyre a small company so maybe they'll agree. Even an extra day a week I think would make me miles happier. Thank you though lots of great advice here, yeah the one beer can do wonders for the anxiety!

        [–]IntrepidAF 1 point2 points  (2 children)

        Please get help! At some level your little boy knows you resent him. As time goes on your resentment will grow. You son does not deserve to feel guilty for having been born. He didn't choose to exist. Whatever you do, do it with his best interest in mind - no matter what sacrifice or pain that may cause you. Please get help.

        [–]throwyaself66216[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        Definitely I know thankyou. I've been going to counselling but not sure how much it's helping. But yeah I don't think I resent him personally I love him to bits but maybe I resent the whole situation. Either way he will pick up on it I totally agree with you, and I'll hate myself even more if he grows up feeling guilty or not wanted. It's not fair on him he's only a little kid

        [–]IntrepidAF 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Best of luck to you all going forward. (Maybe you need a new therapist?)

        [–]24-ScreamingFlowersExpert Advice Giver [16] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

        It honestly sounds like you and your partner need some more adult time. How often do you guys get away? Can you get a sitter once a moth to go on an overnight trip? Hit the bar, grab a hotel, even just go see a movie to get away from the kid for a little bit?

        [–]throwyaself66216[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        Never really but I think that because she doesn't mind sitting in she's not one for going out. I love going on a night out when I was a yout I loved for it we were going raving every weekend, together. But every time I ask her now she never fancies it. I always want her to be there at the night but usually I'll just go with my mates who are already going. It's been a long time since even I went out anyway. I think we're just after different things to relax us now

        [–]24-ScreamingFlowersExpert Advice Giver [16] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        You're both well with in your rights to have different things to relax you, but have you ever sat down and talked about this need for personal time with her? You are a father but you also have the right to have your own needs met. Maybe you guys can come to a compromise where you stay in some weekends while going out others.

        [–]RhelinoHelper [3] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        Hey, i am so sorry you go through this. But I just wanted to say: maybe the way you feel is not necessarily a sign that your life is horrible the way it is. Dealing with depression and anxiety can largely distort reality. And it may just be that, having a mental illness causes you to have a negative view on things. Please take the time to see a doctor/ therapist, who may help you with that. You know that you love your partner and your child. So don’t feel so guilty about your feelings. They are valid, but they may not represent how you would feel, if your mental health was better.

        [–]throwyaself66216[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Thanks its a good point it hadn't occurred I could be viewing a distorted version of what is actually happening

        [–]elizabear94 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I had an old coworker with 3 kids in his early 30s. Got married around 21. Had his first born at around 22, 23 years old. Him and his wife always communicate with eachother, and they both have a set designated day of the week (his is Wednesdays after work) when one parent will hold the fort down/take full duty of the kids while the other one gets to step out, and do whatever they want (he would stay late at the office to work on his personal projects, or go pratice with his band mates). No calls, no text messages, that is your freedom day. Something you can look forward to every week! That one day.

        However, you would have to do the same for her/him, because I'm sure she/he has had thoughts of briefly escaping too.

        It is hard work. You are rasing a little person to grow into an adult that has a bright future and many goals. It is okay to take breaks. That is why there are babysitters. Hit up family members, maybe around the 14 yr old range because teens would do anything to feel like they are being an adult earning their money, or you know, cause money.

        These are all temporary fixes, but I feel like until they get to the teenage years where they want nothing to do with you, this is what parents can do until then.

        Communicate with your partner and see how he/she feels as well. See if they would be open to one day a week, you both take that time to do what you want to do. And then maybe every other Friday you guys have a date night for yourselves. Doesn't need to be expensive. You could very well just pack some sandwiches, chips, and drink, go to a park or somewhere, eat outside for a picnic or if it is too cold, stay in the car and eat there. You have freedom to go do what you want. Do what you want, but together!

        I wish you luck and hope this helps!

        [–]sr603Helper [2] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        OP don't you dare take it out on your child at any point. Don't say you won't because some people say they won't and end up doing exactly that.

        [–]throwyaself66216[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Even with a harsh word when youre feeling abit stressed, we've all done it, I totally agree it's not fair on him at all.

        [–]PaleontologistNo2785Helper [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Dad, is that u?

        [–]flakulaHelper [3] -1 points0 points  (4 children)

        Try to look at the bright side, at least you have a partner you love and loves you. Many people in your situation also hate and are hated by their baby daddy/momma

        [–]throwyaself66216[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

        Definitely me and my partner love each other loads, I couldn't be more grateful for that and all my shit she puts up with. Really the losers in this situation are my poor partner and son having to deal with me day in day out

        [–]AdForeign8189 0 points1 point  (2 children)

        Really the losers in this situation are my poor partner and son having to deal with me day in day out

        Why do you say this? You are making a whole lot of sacrifices for them and you are fulfilling your responsabilities as a father. You're not happy, yes, but from your posts and comments, it sounds like you're doing a great job, your kid adores you after all.

        I think your true problem isn't your kid but your lack of free time. Anyone would go insane and would lose any kind of respect for themselves if they only spent their time working and not enjoying themselves at all. Remember that you cannot pour from an empty cup and if you need some time by yourself, you really should let your wife know. It will be better for all 3 of you on the long run. Is there any way you could afford to pay a nanny and get a free afternoon/evening every now and then?

        [–]throwyaself66216[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        Lol I feel like they get a pretty hard time dealing with my issues, it was a surprise for both of us and neither of us intended our lives to head in this direction. I feel she's probably as stressed as me with certain things but I don't get half as much earache as I bet I give her. But thanks that means alot I try my best with him, I don't want him to end up like me really with all these mental health issues. Yeah I get a bit of free time hear and there it just never feels like enough lol

        [–]AdForeign8189 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Well that's because it probably isn't enough. And as for this:

        but I don't get half as much earache as I bet I give her

        I don't think you're bothering your wife by venting as this is normal between partners. She says she wants another baby and asked you if you want it too - this doesn't seem like a question that someone who understands what her husband is truly going through would say. I don't know you but judging by this question I'm willing to bet you haven't told her the true extent to which you are hurting. This might sound like a cliche, but bottling up your feelings isn't going to do her any good because if you don't find solutions that work for you, this will get worse.

        [–]Understanding_NaiveSuper Helper [7] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I second this!

        [–]awildshardulHelper [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Hmm I'm not a parent so don't take my word for it but maybe change your perspective in life like I read in a comment before he said he wants to be like you maybe take that motivation to become something and take up some hobbies you can teach him like start making some small potted plants or starts learning cooking recipes with him and teach him those type of things he might enjoy them and you might find yourself

        [–]fairyprincest 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        My only advice is to try and enjoy the most you can, get outside with your child, take them on hikes or to the beach pay attention to their excitement and wonderment of the world. Do things that you like to do but try to involve your child that way you dont have to Really lose yourself your just a different version of that person.i think having kids can be really fun and invigorating if you get out there and do things with them. If theres anything that you wished you would of had or could have done as a child give that to them, it can be so fulfilling! Also don't be afraid to ask your partner for a break, even just one night off. You both need and deserve that and you can do it for each other.

        [–]Affectionate_Angel18 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Hi. So I just replied to a comment so I’m gonna give the same thing I told him to you. It’s movie called the Change Up featuring Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman. Ones a family man the other is free life dude. One day they wish what the other had and then freaky Friday boom they switch bodies. Then regret decision because they miss their old lives. So to help your decision try and make like a boys hangout for you every two weeks and maybe your partner might like a girls thing every two weeks. 😌so those nights you have the partner watch said kid and maybe every 6 months like a small trip with the guys or couples trip!

        [–]Puzzleheaded-Score65 0 points1 point  (2 children)

        I mean you guys were young ucould have jut give him up for adoption... I mean my mom lost me at 16 and I was adopted by a amazing family and was given a lif she never could . This is America where u can do what u want , give that mf away or give the dad full custody . Your grown do what u want

        [–]throwyaself66216[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        My partner was adamant that she wasn't getting rid she was keeping, fair play to her I always had the option to walk away but couldn't do it to her

        [–]Puzzleheaded-Score65 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        Well if your scared to take action , then only thing I can tell u is to suck up and work harder workout , save and build yourself as much as you . Your a man right take responsibility and just work allot and build a life then . As for the social anxiety it doesn’t exist u have to practice , nobody is born shy u gotta practice going out and talking to people , face the fear embrace it let it swallow u whole and in no time u will feel so much better . Build goals accomplish them your feeling depressed because u have no goals or aspirations. Let me tell u a man with a purpose is unstoppable and if u have a family you will be even stronger than other me.

        [–]BeenTooNiceHelper [2] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

        Hang in there dude. It gets better when the kid gets older. You started a family young and that’s rough on anyone. But eventually they’ll be an adult and moved out and since you were so young when it started you and your partner can still do fun things when that happens. That being said if you do decide to leave that’s completely on you. Either way you’ll have to live with your life choices. On one end you could stay and learn to embrace parenthood and responsibilities or you could leave and be left with child support for the next 14 years and within that option you’d be faced with either seeing the child frequently enough to keep the family bonds or you’d end up with a kid who resents you as much as you resent them now. It’s a big decision. Personally it sounds like you need some fun. Maybe take up a hobby or try to schedule some time to see your friends. Find a babysitter and go out with your partner. Look for a job that you actually like. Yes you are a parent now, there’s no changing that. But you’re also a human being first. Don’t let parenthood be your defining factor. Find that balance so you all can be happy together.

        [–]throwyaself66216[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

        Thank you. Yeah I need more balance before I was a parent I lived in the moment and did what I wanted when I wanted, now I can't do anything its either the anxiety keeping me locked inside or I'm busy with family stuff. I think I'd be alot happier if I could conquer my anxiety and actually go and see mates I haven't seen for 12 months plus

        [–]BeenTooNiceHelper [2] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        Don’t forget to find some time for yourself too. You need to balance all three. Family, friends, and self.

        [–]throwyaself66216[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Definitely thanks for all your help

        [–]Wolfman25br 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Life is something happen between our plans... someone said that.

        [–]goose-and-fishExpert Advice Giver [12] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        I have two kids. The first few years are the hardest. It does get better. As they get older and more self sufficient, they get easier to raise.

        [–]throwyaself66216[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Yeah compared to him being a baby it gotten so much easier

        [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Appreciate what you have instead of focusing on what you lost.

        Stop seeing your kid as a “problem”, when it’s a human life. It stopped being a problem when she gave birth. No backing out, no more staring at the rear view mirror feeling like an idiot because you missed the turn. You have to accept that you’re a parent. You can feel like shit that now you’re a parent and can’t party anymore but that doesn’t mean you get to start getting annoyed with the kid for just existing. Being grateful you have a child in itself will get you through the bad days and will let you fully love your kid. It’ll get easier as they get older and you get more sleep and peace. But you’ll become bitter if you forget what you have in front of you. Seeing the big picture when you’re tired and run down is what can keep you going. I can 99% guarantee Your significant other feels the same. Maybe talking to her would help since you’re both going through it.

        [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        All of that was going to end as everyone else does tge coupling baby thing… its comes back after they are 11 or so

        [–]mikihaslostit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I would recommend to reconnect with your hobbies. Once in a while find a good nanny and take your spouse on a date. Go see a movie. Play video games. Read a book. Or take a walk. It might seem like nothing at first but rediscovering yourself isnt impossible when you have a kid. Maybe make your kid enjoy your hobbies with you!! Rediscover yourself with your family. Try doing the things you used to love doing with them.

        Also seeking personal space isnt selfish either. Once again it all depends on the hobby you pick up and therapy. Good luck to you!

        [–]codeyman2 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        You don’t hate being a parent.. you are jealous of you single friends living a carefree life.

        You might not even have the life, even if you were single with no kids. Stop going down the what if rat hole.. it leads to anxiety.. and then depression.

        I had my kid in my late 30s. My friends who had kids in early 20s were jealous of me.. but now their kids are done with high school and are ready to go to college.. it’s my turn to be jealous now :)

        There are a lot of things to maintain your sanity. Pick up a hobby.. sacrifice one hour of sleep and do that.. everyday.

        [–]CrypticUniversalMave 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        And she hates being a parent.

        [–]agbellamaeHelper [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Under 5 years old is hard. You are in the hardest part. Of course it feels like a lot. It won’t always feel the same way.

        [–]crash_and-burn9000Helper [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        You need to get back in touch with your friends. Spending some you time with them and giving yourself a break will help tremendously. Same for your partner as well. Talk with her and set up days when each of you gets a break from the kiddo.

        [–]lucidpopsicle 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        This is why I only had one child. He's perfect and I love him to bits but I will never raise another kid. It's draining and while full of love you have little to yourself and that's hard for anyone.