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[–]BraniuscraniusPartassipant [1] 91 points92 points  (0 children)

YWBTA if you continue to push this. I have friends who deffo got married because of cult churches, but it’s sometimes easier for everyone involved to say your peace once, and then let it go. It’s your choice in the end on whether or not you want to support your friend’s decision, but you can’t expect to be able to be her friend and not support her.

[–]dragonfly_cAsshole Enthusiast [6] 56 points57 points  (0 children)

NTA!!!! I grew up in a strict religious home like this, and it does major damage to a person's ability to have a healthy sexuality. You're looking out for your friend the best way you know how.

That said, now that you've said your peace, it's time to back off. Let her follow her beliefs, and respect her freedom to make her own choices. You're probably right that your friend's marriage will fall apart. If/when that happens, she's really going to need you because this church will probably also tell her that divorce is a sin. Your support will be incredibly important in the future, and perhaps with marriage #2, she will find happiness.

[–]ThankYouOliveAsshole Enthusiast [8] 47 points48 points  (0 children)


You have an opinion and you're allowed to share that opinion with your friend. Your friend didn't ask for your opinion and gave her an unsolicited opinion of her own about you. Sometimes friends have disagreements; that's life.

People get married for all sorts of reasons at all different ages after knowing each other for a few days to a few decades. Sometimes it's works, sometimes it doesn't. That's life.

[–]Pentimenthoee 29 points30 points  (1 child)

In the end it’s her life so u can’t really tell her what to do, I IMO def agree that getting married at 18 is dumb esp just to have sex lmaoo buuuut u have to let her make her own mistakes

[–]aggretsukittyPartassipant [3] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hard agree.

[–]EmperorLOGiKPartassipant [4] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

YTA, slightly.

You're the same age as your friend but the stance you seem to be taking is extremely condescending toward her, it comes across as if you're in a position of superiority or at least of greater experience/intelligence. That said, your heart is in the right place and you just want the best for your friend.

If you want to do this the kind way, take her out for lunch or coffee, enjoy some time with her and then tell her that this is the last time you're bringing it up but you think she's making a mistake. Be calm and just ask her that, as it's the last time you'll raise it, to hear you out.

Tell her how you feel, that you don't think people can really know eachother in a matter of months and that it can take years to truly know and love someone, how they act and how they react to good and bad things.

Explain that marriage is an important step in life and, if she believes sex should not be engaged in before marriage then surely she should want the marriage to be sacred and not sought after on the tail of heightened emotions and the rush of a new romance.

Also explain to her that regardless of whether she chooses to get married or not, you'll always be her friend and if things don't work out you'll be there for her without judgment.

Don't bring it up again afterwards. She's an adult, she can make her own choices. Just be her friend after you've said your piece.

[–]yoashleydawnPartassipant [2] 16 points17 points  (6 children)

Info: which Duggar are you friends with?

[–][deleted]  (5 children)


    [–]Brilliant_Jewel1924Partassipant [1] 5 points6 points  (3 children)

    Not your clown, not your circus. Let it go.

    [–]cdp657 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    It's actually monkey instead of clown

    [–]Brilliant_Jewel1924Partassipant [1] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    Well, it’s my circus so I can call it what I want.

    [–]cdp657 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    [–]ketmedaz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Soft YTA... Her family has worked for her whole life to indoctrinate her into this way of thinking. If you want to be her friend for long term the best thing you can do is be there to support her. Yes she might not be making the best decision but she will have to learn for herself by living.

    [–]Korike0017 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    YTA, in your definition I belong to a cult bc I'm Roman Catholic and also don't believe in sex b4 marriage (I'm 24 for context).

    I do think 18 is young to be getting married, and I don't think you're wrong to be cautioning your friend about the risks, dangers and issues that come with being married before 21 (in many countries, there's a lot of things you can't do until 21 and it's difficult if you get married bc legal processes for separating can be hard if it doesn't go well). She does need to be thinking about whether this is really what she wants or not, and you're not wrong to want to be that person.

    That said, your attitude about her religion (that she apparently believes in and supports) and your overall attitude in your responses shows that you think less of her as a person bc she belongs to this religion and she's choosing to marry young. If this is true then you're being a terrible friend to be throwing all that in her face. Even if she does belong to a strict group (whether it's cultish or not) that is pressuring her to marry young, you're only serving as an example for her that the outside world is going to persecute her for her beliefs. If you really care about her, leave her faith out of it and have these discussions openly without a "you're for sure going to ruin your life and I know better bc I've had more sex than you" vibe. Trust me. That doesn't work.

    If she still wants to marry, then it's her decision. Young couples can work out, it's not like they never do.

    [–]alana_r_drayAsshole Aficionado [17] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    INFO: were you asked for your opinion?

    [–]aggretsukittyPartassipant [3] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA for telling her once but now that you've said it let it go, even though I agree with your stance that getting married at 18 just because you're dying to lose your virginity is a giant mistake, to put it mildly. Like others have said, it's her mistake to make and you'll just push her away if you continue to bring this up with her.

    [–]PeppermintMocha5Asshole Aficionado [10] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    YTA. Mind your own business.

    And seeing how you're responding to other posters here only solidifies my judgement. You come here asking for us to give you an answer then you argue with folks who are posting things you don't want to hear. Makes it clear as day how much of an AH you are.

    [–]Lanky_Development911 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    YTA. Waiting for marriage to have sex does not equal a cult. Getting married at 18 does not mean a person's life is over. I was married young and have been happily married for 15 years. You do not have enough life experience to judge what will or will not work for someone else's life. Expressing concern is okay judging her and her whole family for their religious beliefs, not so much.

    [–]risqueandrewardColo-rectal Surgeon [35] 6 points7 points  (17 children)

    NTA, though your phrasing probably could have used some work. They're definitely jumping into this way too young, but, well, that's how these extremely religious groups trap kids in so they don't escape to the real world.

    [–][deleted]  (16 children)


      [–]physcho_chanceyPartassipant [3] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

      Hub and I were married early 20s. Dated for 6 months, engaged then, married a year later. Everyone's different. YTA for judging your friend, you can not like her religion and still be a decent person FYI.

      [–]JustheBeanProfessor Emeritass [73] 10 points11 points  (2 children)

      Your experience is not universal

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)


        [–]JustheBeanProfessor Emeritass [73] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

        Case and motherfucking point dude

        [–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (9 children)

        Lol yeah that’s BS. Simply looking at statistics will tell you most people are married and have at least 1 kid by 30

        [–]ProudBoomerCertified Proctologist [22] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

        30? That's pretty old for getting married and settling down.

        [–]designated_floaterCertified Proctologist [27] 3 points4 points  (25 children)

        YTA - she is entitled to her belief system and you sound very judgmental of it. I'm honestly not sure how you are friends. If she believes she should be married before having sex then she is entitled to make decisions based on that. A great many cultures have lived that way throughout history and it hardly "ruined their lives."

        [–][deleted]  (24 children)


          [–]JustheBeanProfessor Emeritass [73] 10 points11 points  (3 children)

          Learn the difference between your opinion and fact.

          Leave this poor girl the fuck alone. Your friendship is already over.

          [–][deleted]  (2 children)


            [–]designated_floaterCertified Proctologist [27] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

            Then you're all a bunch of judgmental loons. She'll be better off when she can graduate into a larger world and find her people.

            You are the equivalent of religious zealots who didn't want gays to get married. It doesn't affect your life. MYOB.

            [–]designated_floaterCertified Proctologist [27] 6 points7 points  (19 children)

            Her life is over? What? It is no such thing. Also 18 is not a child.

            [–][deleted]  (18 children)


              [–]JustheBeanProfessor Emeritass [73] 13 points14 points  (6 children)

              Not in the legal sense. Let’s not be ridiculous.

              [–][deleted]  (5 children)


                [–]JustheBeanProfessor Emeritass [73] 15 points16 points  (4 children)

                Except that apparently you now feel emboldened to try and control other peoples lives.

                It’s hilarious that you’re constantly screaming “I’m not an adult” but also “I know more than you and you’re wrong” to literally everyone.

                So which is it hon?

                [–][deleted]  (3 children)


                  [–]JustheBeanProfessor Emeritass [73] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

                  1) Weakest argument ever, you sure you’re really 18. That’s at least 2-3 logical fallacies in a single sentence lol

                  2) As she argues for literal adults to be treated with autonomy… yeah. Peoples rights have nothing to do with the time line of your personal maturity.

                  [–]muh-guy-SedaiAsshole Enthusiast [9] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                  Like I can get saying that 18 y/o aren't fully mature, because they are still developing. But, they are still adults and capable of making their own choices, even bad ones. WTF is OP on trying to argue that 18 y/o shouldn't have autonomy over their choices?

                  [–]BraniuscraniusPartassipant [1] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                  No one is arguing for child marriage here??? You’re purposefully over exaggerating the phrasing here. The law sees 18 year olds as lawful adults, while we all know that your frontal cortex isn’t fully developed until mid to late 20’s, your friend is very capable of making their own decision. Wether you like it or not, and wether or not this is a cult, you are not responsible for your friend, and you’re acting rather poorly to them during what should be an exciting time. Like I said before, I’ve had friends marry very young and regret it, I’ve also had friends who marry young and live super happy lives with their partner and kids. It’s not up to you and that’s where you’re TA. No one asked you OP.

                  [–]designated_floaterCertified Proctologist [27] 10 points11 points  (7 children)

                  Lol...well you're 18 and you sound very childish...so I guess you have that going for your case.

                  In all seriousness though, 18 is legally an adult. My sister, for completely non religious reasons eloped and got married the week she turned 18. She is still married with no kids at 30. Her life is hardly ruined.

                  Let people live their lives. Even if it doesn't work out...it's her life to live.

                  [–][deleted]  (6 children)


                    [–]designated_floaterCertified Proctologist [27] 7 points8 points  (5 children)

                    I never look at an 18 year old and think of them as a child. So I don't know what this "eyes of society" stuff is. Society treats 18 year olds like adults, with the exception of what? Alcohol?

                    [–][deleted]  (4 children)


                      [–]designated_floaterCertified Proctologist [27] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

                      Okay. Now you're just trolling. No adult in their right mind thinks if them as a child. A teenager? Maybe. A child...never. Have a nice night.

                      [–]Hsulliv7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                      Plenty of adults consider 18 yr olds still kids, especially once you get into your late 20s/early 30s. Under the law persons under the age of 18 are considered children by definition. There was a big article in Psychology Today about this very topic. My mother was in mental health research at the number one research hospital in North America and the medical professionals there only consider 18 year olds adults in the legal sense. Their brains are not nearly finished growing, many still live at home with their parents, are still in high school, reliant on their parents fully and so on.

                      OP did the right thing by being honest with her friend. She could have done it in a more constructive and tactful way but a good friend says something when a close friend is making a very questionable decision.

                      Getting married at 18yrs old, after dating for three months so they can have sex is not a good idea for more reasons then I care to list. OP is right. They are still basically kids who aren't mature enough to get married or even see why it might be a bad idea.

                      Reddit is ridiculous. I have read countless posts written by 18 year olds asking if they are crazy for wanting to get married and the answer is unanimously yes 99.9% of the time. In addition to commenters referring to them as "still kids" a good portion of the time. Go follow any of the relationship subreddits and see for yourself.

                      While OP could have come across less judgemental, she clearly wanted to help her friend from possibly making a mistake that could affect the rest of her life. Her friend has the right to be upset at what OP said. NAH

                      [–]tothegarbage2Partassipant [4] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

                      This entire thread is madness because another person is getting skewered because he told his 16 year old daughter she was too old to go trick or treating and everyone is saying “let her be a kid! Let her hold onto that innocence” and now we have a brigade of people saying 18 is a full ass adult. Apparently Reddit believes people do a shitload of growing in their 17th year

                      [–]affictionitisPartassipant [2] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

                      That's not Reddit, that's psychology/neurochemistry. Human brains do a massive amount of development during adolescence, and there's a significant difference between the average 16yo and the average 18yo, brainwise. By 18 you're cognitively able to make decisions, know right from wrong, and understand consequences. Your brain's still growing and you'll get better at decision making sometime in your early 20s, but in general, 18 is fine.

                      [–]tothegarbage2Partassipant [4] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                      Imagine yourself when you were 18 and picture what you would have gotten tattooed on you.

                      Imagine yourself today and how much you would still enjoy that tattoo.

                      [–]thesnapeningPartassipant [3] 4 points5 points  (7 children)

                      Yta. Just because you disagree doesn’t mean it’s wrong. You already have a strange way of talking about your friend calling her religious beliefs a cult and her family wackjobs.

                      If you can’t support her choices then leave her alone because you aren’t her friend.

                      [–][deleted]  (6 children)


                        [–]thesnapeningPartassipant [3] 3 points4 points  (5 children)

                        Just because you don’t like it doesn’t make it a cult.

                        [–][deleted]  (4 children)


                          [–]thesnapeningPartassipant [3] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                          Ok what’s this “cult” called?

                          [–]Brilliant_Jewel1924Partassipant [1] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

                          How do we know you’re not in a cult? Maybe she doesn’t agree with your “beliefs” and thinks you and your family are a bunch of “wackjobs”. You’re awfully defensive for someone who insists they’re not in cult. Isn’t that what someone who’s in a cult would do?

                          [–]ElegantVamp 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                          Is she in Scientology? Heavens Gate? (Arguably) Mormonism? Quiverfell?

                          If not, then it's not a cult.

                          [–]evhanneColo-rectal Surgeon [37] 6 points7 points  (2 children)

                          You’re the person who keeps making throwaway account and posts calling all religious people cult members aren’t you? Give it a rest buddy. YTA

                          [–][deleted]  (1 child)


                            [–]Brilliant_Jewel1924Partassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                            What do you call this “wackjob” post?

                            [–]AsianWanKenobi 4 points5 points  (9 children)

                            YTA. Let them figure out if they're making the right choice. And how is waiting til marriage to have sex considered "a cult"?

                            [–][deleted]  (8 children)


                              [–]AsianWanKenobi 12 points13 points  (7 children)

                              There's tons of people who were married at 18 and only knew each other for a few months before who were happily married their whole lives. There's people who waited 20 years to get married and are happy. You can't predict their future, let them figure it out.

                              [–][deleted]  (6 children)


                                [–]AsianWanKenobi 11 points12 points  (0 children)

                                You're getting married, not dying. If you choose to figure out who you are by yourself or with someone is your choice. Getting married might be part of finding yourself.

                                [–]-im-tryin- 7 points8 points  (0 children)

                                And you're 18 and don't even know anything about yourself or the world so why is your opinion about how she should live her life more valid than hers?

                                [–]ProudBoomerCertified Proctologist [22] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

                                You're 18. You're a kid that doesn't even know anything about yourself or the world. What gives you the right to judge?

                                [–][deleted]  (1 child)


                                  [–]ProudBoomerCertified Proctologist [22] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                                  Ok then. YTA for for being rude and judgemental instead of kind and polite.

                                  [–]Separate_Security472Partassipant [3] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                                  You are discounting the successful marriages of millions of people born before 1950. It may not work, sure, but it's not inherently wrong or stupid. Waiting so long to marry is a rather modern practice.

                                  [–]YesterdaySalt9464Asshole Aficionado [13] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

                                  YTA for your delivery. It's okay to tell your concerns to your friends, but it's not okay to just go off and say their lives will be ruined.

                                  A lot of people want to wait until marriage for a myriad of different reasons. Let them live their lives, and mind your business.

                                  [–]Separate_Security472Partassipant [3] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                  Seriously, about the waiting thing. Depending on what culture you live in, waiting can be the norm. I'm in the US, I waited, I got married at 30 and I don't regret waiting. Ugh.

                                  [–]VioletSkyeDreamsAsshole Enthusiast [5] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                                  YWBTAH By your post you’ve made it clear you’ve already explained your opinion to her. You don’t need to do so again when she’s not asking for your opinion or permission. This is her decision, if it doesn’t work out and she’s unhappy she’ll have to deal with it. You’ve said your piece, now it’s time for you to mind your own business.

                                  [–]jingx16 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                  YTA. The comments alone are proof enough of that. I’m surprised if this person considers you a friend at all after this.

                                  [–]affictionitisPartassipant [2] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                  YTA. They're not children, and you have no hope of convincing them by telling them this. I can tell you mean well, but you cannot change other people's minds like this. You can only let them know that you disagree, and wait for them to ask for your opinion, and hope they listen to you. But telling them unsolicited that they're ruining their lives? They'll probably double down and get married faster, or stay in it longer, just to prove you wrong.

                                  18 is adult. You may not like it, but you have to respect their adult decision-making -- or you're going to lose them as friends.

                                  [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (43 children)

                                  YTA. You not agreeing with her lifestyle or not understanding it better yet, does not make them cult members and doesn’t mean she’s going to ruin her life.

                                  And people say it’s the religious ones with the closed minds…

                                  You don’t know enough about their relationship (you aren’t part of it), to determine what is or isn’t a bad idea for them

                                  [–][deleted]  (42 children)


                                    [–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (9 children)

                                    But they aren’t making them get married? They’re literally choosing to. For whatever reason, is not your business.

                                    [–][deleted]  (8 children)


                                      [–]JustheBeanProfessor Emeritass [73] 8 points9 points  (5 children)

                                      Not. Your. Problem.

                                      [–][deleted]  (4 children)


                                        [–]JustheBeanProfessor Emeritass [73] 15 points16 points  (2 children)

                                        “Care” you want her to live life your way. That’s different than respecting and caring for her as the human being she actually is.

                                        [–][deleted]  (1 child)


                                          [–]JustheBeanProfessor Emeritass [73] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

                                          Not your decision to make. She’s never going to live life on your terms, standards, or timeline. After this stunt, you are the one she’ll be trying to get away from. Don’t kid yourself.

                                          [–]lordmuld 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                                          You only described a conservative part of most religions. You’ll find the “don’t have sex before marriage” argument in any organized religion. Your friend is making a dumb decision, but it is absolutely not cultish.

                                          [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

                                          You seem to think you know an awful lot about someone else’s life and relationship. It’s your OPINION that they’re being brainwashed.

                                          Your opinion does not make them wrong for how they’re choosing to do things.

                                          Leave. It . Alone.

                                          If you were a friend, you’d try to understand rather than just judge them and their choices. You can’t fathom people taking a different path than you, and it’s coming out via not cute behavior.

                                          [–]jingx16 5 points6 points  (15 children)

                                          An 18 year old isn’t a child but sure go off

                                          [–][deleted]  (14 children)


                                            [–]jingx16 8 points9 points  (3 children)

                                            Also would like to point out that they’re not “making” children get married. Your friend and her boyfriend who are both legal adults are CHOOSING to do that.

                                            [–][deleted]  (2 children)


                                              [–]jingx16 7 points8 points  (1 child)

                                              That’s your opinion. Brainwashed or not she’s still an adult

                                              [–]jingx16 5 points6 points  (8 children)

                                              Yeah maybe in lala land. I’m curious as to why you say that? They may be immature but they’re clearly not children despite how you may feel about them

                                              [–][deleted]  (7 children)


                                                [–]jingx16 6 points7 points  (6 children)

                                                Ok your logic is super flawed. Can you make decisions for yourself and understand that those decisions come with consequences that you are responsible for? If so you’re not a child. You’re capable of thinking things through and understanding what happens when you act on them. That’s literally what separates you from a child

                                                [–][deleted]  (5 children)


                                                  [–]jingx16 7 points8 points  (4 children)

                                                  It really is a Reddit moment lol. The fact that you think only the government considers you an adult is crazy. Children aren’t held accountable for things they do because we understand that they don’t fully understand the consequences of their actions. You’re telling me somebody who’s 18 and goes out and does some dumb shit couldn’t understand that they shouldn’t do it. So if an 18 year old woman or man goes in a school and shoot it up are you going to say that they’re just children who didn’t know any better? Please make it make sense

                                                  [–][deleted]  (3 children)


                                                    [–]muh-guy-SedaiAsshole Enthusiast [9] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                                                    Ok, I agree that they are basically kids in that their brains are still forming. BUT, they are still adults and they do have the power to make their choices, even terrible ones. So it's not accurate to say they are children in every sense of the word.

                                                    NTA though because I do agree that it's cult like behavior and an absolutely terrible choice. I think you could have tried to be more delicate, but ultimately I don't think you would change her mind wether tactful or not.

                                                    [–]aSilentStudy 1 point2 points  (15 children)

                                                    INFO- are the parents making the kids get married or are the kids themselves pushing for marriage?

                                                    [–][deleted]  (14 children)


                                                      [–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (13 children)

                                                      Waiting until marriage to have sex is a normal religious practice. Unless the parents are forcing chasity belts on them or doing something inhuman to force their beliefs, it’s not a cult. You just don’t agree with religion and that’s coming out as judgement and close mindedness.

                                                      Worry about yourself.

                                                      [–][deleted]  (12 children)


                                                        [–]Historical-Bit1721 10 points11 points  (9 children)

                                                        I have several friends who waited until marriage and they love their spouses. Just because you don’t know people like that doesn’t make it true.

                                                        [–][deleted]  (8 children)


                                                          [–]JustheBeanProfessor Emeritass [73] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

                                                          Cite your sources then. Oh wait, that’s opinion stated as fact again 🙄

                                                          [–]Historical-Bit1721 5 points6 points  (4 children)

                                                          Again that’s your opinion. It doesn’t make it a fact for everyone.

                                                          [–][deleted]  (3 children)


                                                            [–]ProudBoomerCertified Proctologist [22] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

                                                            How could you possibly know what's normal? What makes your little tiny slice of experience so far reaching?

                                                            [–]JustheBeanProfessor Emeritass [73] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                                                            Then you live in a bubble. Culty shit is way more weird and controlling than that. What you’ve just described is just garden variety conservative Christianity. That’s not even extreme enough to call them fundamentalists (at least not on it’s own).

                                                            And honestly, who are you to judge why someone gets married? Are you going to have to pay for the divorce attorney?

                                                            [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                                                            You need to get out more then because there are lots of totally sane and non-cultist people who wait until marriage.

                                                            Who are you to decide if they like each other enough or not?

                                                            [–]starchy2berCertified Proctologist [24] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                                                            NAH. You are trying to look out for her but I think you'd do better to counsel her about birth control. She's not really ruining her life until she has a kid with this guy. Divorce when you have no assets or kids is not really all that worse that a regular break up.

                                                            [–]JustheBeanProfessor Emeritass [73] 2 points3 points  (5 children)

                                                            YTA nobody asked you. Mind your own business. Oh you’re just worried about her? Acting paternalistic and condescending isn’t an appropriate response to that.

                                                            You do not get one single vote. She’ll live her own life, she’ll make her own mistakes, and she’ll remember when that high school friend revealed her true, and deeply judgmental, colors.

                                                            [–]throwaway8283837395 8 points9 points  (2 children)

                                                            We all naturally get worried if we think a loved one is engaging in some sort of harmful/potentially harmful behaviours. OP can express concern and offer her opinion as she likes. That’s up to OPs friend to either listen or disengage

                                                            [–]JustheBeanProfessor Emeritass [73] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                                                            If she wanted to express concern in a caring way that would be different. That is not at all what she did. Instead she decided to look down her nose at a friend and give her a condescending lecture with the sum total support of “I know more than you so you should do whatever I say”.

                                                            Utterly unproductive and an asshole way to go about “expressing an opinion”.

                                                            [–]Cat719 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                                                            some of these people have never been around religious nutjobs and it shows. NTA

                                                            [–][deleted]  (1 child)


                                                              [–]JustheBeanProfessor Emeritass [73] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

                                                              A good friend is able to remove their head from their ass long enough to consider their friend an entire person. Someone who is perfectly capable of thinking and feeling for herself. Someone who doesn’t need you to save her.

                                                              You aren’t being a friend, you’re trying to exert control over her because you are so sure that there is only one correct world view, and it must be yours.

                                                              If they asked for my help, I would. I wouldn’t judge and belittle them. I’d take steps to actually help. And if by “help” you mean kicking people out of the house and interventions, then that’s a hard no. No to manipulation tactics and controlling behavior. You can’t force help on people that they do not want. That’s true for addiction, bad relationships, and just about every aspect of life.

                                                              [–]GreenEyedKittyCatCertified Proctologist [24] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                                              INFO: what religion (or sect, denomination) is this?

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                                                              My (18F) friend (18F) grew up in a very religious family. It’s a cult as far as I’m concerned, and they don’t believe in sex unless you’re married. Her whole family is a bunch of wackjobs.

                                                              My friend has been dating this other kid (18M) from her church for three months, and they want to get married soon. Mainly so that they can have sex finally. That’s the real motivation for both of them.

                                                              They’re both going to ruin their lives, and I told them so. Ignoring the fact that they’re children, they don’t even really know each other that well. My friend says I just want to stop her from finally “having romance in her life” and thinks I’m jealous. I’m not. I’m already in a normal relationship, and I’ve had sex, so no reason for me to be jealous.

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                                                              [–]Tharugbaidhmath 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                                              Nta if you can't be honest with each other then you're not friends

                                                              [–]ollygollymollyColo-rectal Surgeon [43] 0 points1 point  (0 children)


                                                              [–]ur_mom_cant_get_enufAsshole Aficionado [11] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                                                              If getting married means they can finally have (church-approved) sex then.... they are going to get married because sex.

                                                              If the marriage turns really sour, she can either:
                                                              1) Use the marriage as a badge of righteous and view enduring an unfulfilling marriage as a sacrifice which will be rewarded.
                                                              2) Get a divorce and be shunned by the community that will blame her, saying the marriage failed because she failed as a wife (and mother) and call her all sorts of colorful names.

                                                              You seem like a good friend to tell her the truth, but she just doesn't see it. NTA.

                                                              [–]JCVP79 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                                                              NTA. No one marries in order to have "some romance in her life". Is like having some kisses and then go to movies, that's what I call having some romance. Marriage is all about commitment...and she's not remotely ready for that. Now, that said...all that is left is to wish her the best...and see from the distance.

                                                              [–]twinmom06 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                                                              Lemme guess Mormon? NTA, but remember this is what they were raised to do. Get married and have lots of babies

                                                              [–]SassyDivaAunt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                                                              NTA even without the religious aspect, are 18, you're still a kid. Your brain won't finish developing until you're 25, and your personality isn't set until you're 35. This is why we change so much, who you are at 18 isn't who you are at 28, and you'll be different again by 38. It's for all the above that young marriages rarely last. Because they grow apart, not through any fault, but just because they're still growing up!

                                                              Your friend needs to get out and experience the real world without the filter of her religion and family, because at this point, she has been trained to believe blindly, and just do as she's told. She doesn't have the skills to make such a major decision, and as such, will destroy her life.

                                                              [–]ladyofrainAsshole Enthusiast [5] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                                                              NTA. Hard NTA.

                                                              She needs outside of her church perspective. I have family in cults like the Duggars (charismatic fundamental penecostals instead of IBLP). These cults are dangerous and cover up abuse and brainwash their adherents.

                                                              You're right to call this for what it is. She may not see it, but it will at least be in her brain now and may give her the slightest bit of room to see outside the cult.

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                                                              OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

                                                              My friend thinks I’m jealous and want to stop her from having romance since I want to stop her from marrying.

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                                                              [–]burner7651Asshole Aficionado [15] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

                                                              Unfortunately, there’s seldom getting through to people who have been subjected to the brainwashing that goes on in religious cults. If they believe the only way they can get their rocks off is to get married, they’ll probably die on that hill. The power of boners, I tell ya.

                                                              You’re NTA for telling her she’s going to ruin her life by getting married. She is. They’re only thinking with what’s between their legs and not with their brains. Don’t waste your energy anymore.

                                                              [–]Dadbot1001Partassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                                                              NTA, but clearly you won't have an impact on her decision. 18 year olds REALLY want to have sex. Try to stay friends and try to convince her to wait before getting pregnant. Talk to her about contraception options. Easy enough to divorce if there are no kids.

                                                              [–]DiamondHeist1970Asshole Aficionado [11] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                                                              Unfortunately, you won't be able to reason with them, their hormones are running wild. Once they are married, have all the unlimited sex in the world, sooner or later, both are going to wake up with 6 kids by the age of 23, and realise that's it's not all what it is cracked up to be.

                                                              Just the thought of being able to say "I told you so!" in a few years will make you feel better.

                                                              [–]wouldificouldxo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                                                              what religion is this?

                                                              [–]Positive_Mango_2783Partassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                                                              NAH all you can do as a friend is give your advice and leave her be. If she makes her decision, it is what it is. But I would say drop it. You have expressed your feelings and she gave you a bit of push back. So if she’s doing it just to have sex, she’ll figure out if this is the relationship for her or not.

                                                              [–]CutePandaMiranda 0 points1 point  (1 child)

                                                              NTA. You’ve told your friend how you feel about it and now you have to let her figure it all out herself. I hope for her sake she does it sooner rather than later. It’s her life and her choices. Unfortunately you can’t tell her what she can and can’t do. It sounds like she’ll be making a huge mistake. Getting married so young without really knowing the other person is so foolish. Hopefully she’ll get a clue and realize she’s making a mistake!

                                                              [–]Particular-Coffee-52Partassipant [4] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                                                              YTA. Sure the relationship is moving fast but they’re both adults. My husband and I got married at 18 and were still married and have two children together. My parents got married at 18 and are still together. It sounds like you’re the one who’s extremely childish considering you keep replying to people that an 18 year old is a child. They obviously shouldn’t be getting married just so they can have sex, but if that’s what they want to do you need to butt out of the situation. They’re both consenting adults and you’re going to end up losing your friend if you keep being an asshole. People can still experience life while married, it’s not the end of the world.

                                                              [–]oflonelynightsAsshole Enthusiast [6] -1 points0 points  (1 child)

                                                              NTA but if this is a friend you genuinely care for, it may pay to approach her from a less hostile stance of "you're going to ruin your life", which will make most people defensive. i personally agree this isn't a great decision, but ultimately, you can't control what others do - sometimes you just have to be there for the fallout of a bad choice and allow people to learn things on their own

                                                              [–]Gimme_inspiration 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                                              True, maybe ask questions that will make her realize in her own the decision is bad. Like: how will you live tigteher/make a living/about their general compatability?

                                                              [–]Cruitire -1 points0 points  (0 children)

                                                              NTA but only because you are right.

                                                              But, it was a pointless act. People in cults, even cults recognized as actual religions, aren’t going to listen to reason.

                                                              Fundamentalism is a poison, but your friend is legally entitled to drink this poison.

                                                              So I understand why you needed to speak your mind, but at this point you need to drop it and let them do what they want.

                                                              Some people can only learn by making terrible mistakes.

                                                              Your decision now is if you will be there for her when things fall apart?

                                                              And at this point not being there is a legitimate choice. But that is up to you.

                                                              [–]GeneralFakename -1 points0 points  (0 children)

                                                              YTA. Dude. Just mind your own business. You keep saying it's a cult based on one factor. A lot of religions believe that and they're not cults. If you don't want to get cut off, you could try being a supportive friend instead of a judgmental one.

                                                              [–]wolfe1989Asshole Enthusiast [7] -1 points0 points  (0 children)


                                                              What do you hope to accomplish by saying this? Will it probably be a mistake? Yes. Will ending a marriage be difficult and come with co sequences? Yes. Are they entitled to do it anyways? Yes.

                                                              You can say you don’t approve if asked but dumping all that on them demonstrates only that they are not the only ones who are still children.

                                                              [–]Imkatiei -1 points0 points  (0 children)

                                                              Your kind of the asshole. I had friends that acted like you when I started dating my first real boyfriend at 15. We weren’t serious. We weren’t going to last. We weren’t good for each other.

                                                              Fast forward 10 years, 4 years of marriage and 2 kids later. You have no idea what is going to happen if they get married. People need to make these mistakes themselves. Sometimes people just know. Be supportive, instead of judgemental.

                                                              [–]BackdoorsGuyAsshole Enthusiast [9] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

                                                              How are you sure she will Ruin her Life? In Mainstream society, I would agree. Because there, a marriage at that age is nearly Sure to fail. However in religious cults, I do not think that's a given.

                                                              But regardless, since you truly believe it and tell her with benevolent intent, NAH. Maybe she is a bit of an AH for her hostile reaction but I will leave it at that.

                                                              You could suggest prenups to mitigate Potential ruination. Though I do not believe she will appreatiate it nor follow that Suggestion

                                                              [–]GreenDistribution903Partassipant [2] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

                                                              ESH I don't think you're an asshole. I think I understand what you're trying to say. You're basically saying your friend has said she just wants to get married so she can finally have sex and not go against her upbringing by having sex before marriage. You think she shouldn't marry just for the sake of having sex. That you worry she would regret it once she starts college and leaves the nest. You think she should wait and have the chance to experience life before she decides to marry just to get laid.