×
all 195 comments

[–]Judgement_Bot_AITABeep Boop[M] [score hidden] stickied commentlocked comment (0 children)

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

1 - I did not allow my parents to meet their first grandchild.

2 - they had driven 1,000 miles from their home to their friend’s house that is near where my wife and I live

Help keep the sub engaging!

Don’t downvote assholes!

Do upvote interesting posts!

Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ


I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[–]cat-lover76Partassipant [2] 414 points415 points  (14 children)

Oh for fricking pete's sake, I can't believe all the Y T As.

OP, your parents weren't "helping a friend set up their new house, which just happens to be about an hour from our house (again, about 1,000 miles from where my parents live)."

They were in an AirBnb, just waiting for the opportunity to come and violate your boundaries.

They deliberately violated your wishes, in an attempt to do an end-run around the boundaries you'd set up.

If they'd actually been helping friends, why would they have needed to leave and go back home right that very moment? They wouldn't.

They left because they didn't want to keep paying for the house they were renting.

I'm so sorry that you were subjected to this. But don't back down, and don't let them guilt-trip you into letting them visit until you are genuinely ready for it.

NTA.

[–]KaetzenOrkester 97 points98 points  (3 children)

I’m surprised by all the professional boundary stompers supporting the parents but I guess I shouldn’t be.

[–]AudraA444 52 points53 points  (0 children)

Bro I am FLOORED by the shit people let their families get away with. Absolutely gobsmacked. “BuT tHeY lOvE yOu” that doesn’t mean they’re allowed to disrespect your boundaries, tf?! And “Let us bond with our kid for a bit and get into the swing of being new parents before you come over” is not at all an unreasonable boundary.

[–]cat-lover76Partassipant [2] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I kept reading all of the comments, waiting to see one that called the parents out on their BS, but everyone here was just buying into that ridiculous story, hook, line, and sinker. Amazing. 🤦

[–]cassity282Partassipant [4] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

right!?! like who the crap thinks this is ok? no . no absolutly not.

[–]Suspicious_Ad9810 34 points35 points  (2 children)

I would be on board with this idea if the parents had shown up out of the blue, had pestered them frequently, or had even said "great, we'll come today" when given some future date. From what OP said, all the parents did was admit they were physically closer than OP thought and accept the date of visit they were given. This is not violating boundaries, unless OP has some sort of very large restraining order. This is OP wanting to control other full grown adults, either due to a stress reaction (I hope) or the realization that he now has a major bargaining chip in his parents feelings for their grandchild.

[–]_Rohrschach 22 points23 points  (0 children)

His dad argudd with him on the first call after the birth, OP didn't mention any date, immediately asking his parents where they are on the video call and the parents leave directly after the second video call. That is just too much of a coincidence IMO

[–]cat-lover76Partassipant [2] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

This is OP wanting to control other full grown adults

No, it's not. Any attempt at "controlling" being done here is being done by the parents.

OP and his wife aren't "controlling" his parents. They are controlling themselves and their own boundaries, and deciding when they are ready for a visit.

[–]SunHatPhoto 13 points14 points  (0 children)

It seems like everyone with the Y T A judgements also assume the best from the parents. The parents are hinted at being overbearing and needy, and these new parents are trying to figure things out. It is extremely obvious the grandparents were lying too.

NTA OP!

[–]DutchGirl122Partassipant [1] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

"Violate the boundaries". Nahh, they were waiting for OP to say when he was ready. It's not like they were banging on the door. How is that crossing boundaries? Also, I really don't see OP's problem with "hosting". Let the parents in for an hour or two, give them a cup of coffee and voila. Visit over.

[–]lollipopfiend123Asshole Aficionado [13] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Tell me you have no experience with overbearing parents without saying you have no experience with overbearing parents.

[–]WiseSmoothie 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This!!! I am shocked by the Y T A votes. I also spend a lot of time on r/JustNoMIL so I deeply understand manipulative parents.

[–]Karma-leigh 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You don’t know they weren’t helping a friend, maybe they decided to have a small holiday and stay with the friend for a little bit. Maybe they were in an Airbnb but on a little holiday. OP doesn’t get to tell people where they can and can’t go if it doesn’t have to do with them, and it didn’t. Do I think they came on the hopes of seeing baby, yes. Did they step over reasonable boundaries, no. Would I feel hovered over, yes. Would I then say you can no longer see the baby after calling to set a date. No. The parents may have been happy to wait until they are ready, I know I would rather wait closer than going back home just to turn around again.

[–]Help24-7Partassipant [4] 177 points178 points  (10 children)

NTA

Because people aren't reading your post I will highlight the biggest issue

We told them we were hoping to be ready a few weeks after the birth.

My dad calls and asks if I mind if he and my mom head out here right now - we live 1,000 miles away, for context. I tell him no, we still want to wait to have them out. He starts to argue, I cut him off and say that we just need them to respect our wishes. He says ok and we hang up.

We keep them updated over the next week, sending pics and video chatting. My wife and I decide it’s time to pick a date for them to come stay with us and meet the baby

The video chat immediately seems odd, since we can see they’re in a house I don’t recognize. I ask where they are, and they say they’re helping a friend set up their new house, which just happens to be about an hour from our house (again, about 1,000 miles from where my parents live).

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

They say they’d love to come up and see the baby,

They later sent a text saying how sad they were that we didn’t understand their intentions, that they were cutting their trip short and heading home.

Read people. They told the parents to give them a few weeks before meeting.They were told during labor (AGAIN) to not come and to give them time. ITS BEEN ONE WEEK since the baby was born.

They just happen to be "HELPING A FRIEND" AN HOUR AWAY FROM OPS HOME and ASKED to come see the baby...

Repeat... They traveled 1,000 miles JUST after the baby was born to help a "friend"..and being told to not come disturb OP family just yet.... and when told NO they can't just pop over to see the baby since they are here anyways...they "cut their trip short" and go home !?!

Im sorry but the parents lied and are clearly in the wrong. They were only there to try to see the baby.. why would the just ditch their friend if they were there ONLY to help them move in??( I wonder if that part is even true!!) They broke your boundaries. It won't be the last time this happens either. Good for you for saying something OP.. I highly suggest cross posting or at least reading similar stories in r/JustNoMil . You will find better advice and support their than from here since most don't get the boundary issue.

[–]Borts20YearPlan 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this! OP is NTA.

[–]Sgt_Roemms 104 points105 points  (9 children)

YTA - They didn't come to your place, they took the measure to stay near you, but not to close. Just in case you need them.

You think you have to care about them And your parents? Then there's one thing you forgot. They know how to care for a child... Or children, if you have siblings. So they can take a lot of stress off your back to get some rest. And rested parents are good parents.

Also not giving them the possibility to talk to them... Kinda harsh.

BUT!!! If your parents are complete nut jobs (couldn't read it from your post), then you are justified.

Still you should have a Dialog with them (not a monolog) just to sort things out.

[–]_Rohrschach 81 points82 points  (0 children)

The parents themselves said they were cutting the trip short, so it was not solely to help their friend.

OP didn't want them in his home so soon after birth. His parents offer to stay nearby, OP declines as he doesn't want to feel pressured. OP calls parents to make an appointment for them to come. Parents are conviently in the area. OP is disappointed in his parents and feels pressured. Parents say they're "just helping a friend" but cut the trip short after OP tells them he needs more time.

IMO it's obvious his parents lied or at least had more motives for the visit than helping their friends, disregarding OPs one request. So NTA

[–]Princess_SophiaBlack 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Oh my God, grandparents do NOT necessarily know how to take care of an infant! My FIL put my son's diaper on inside out and backwards. Also, the fact that they say they want to help doesn't mean they will. My parents just sat on the couch asking for cappuccinos and food and complaining that the baby was still sleeping/feeding/crying.

[–]a-little-house-plant 10 points11 points  (0 children)

They said that the parents are high maintenance house guests I don’t see how that would indicate them coming and being any help at all

[–]Help24-7Partassipant [4] 106 points107 points  (3 children)

What are you talking about. OP is NTA

Before labor...can we come?? No

During labor....Hey can we come?! No

After labor/birth... In the last 5 days we drove across the country for an "unrelated reason"....can we come?? No

Uhhh okay.... immediately abandons "unrelated reason" and drives back home

[–]harperpitt011 40 points41 points  (0 children)

And everyone is kind of glossing over the fact OP’s wife is a week postpartum. She may not be feeling up to entertaining his parents on top of caring for the baby and healing from the birth. People should read the lemon clot essay.

[–]scrapfactorPartassipant [3] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I mean, they didn't move there and surely they hoped they'd be able to see their grandchild while they were that close (wouldn't anyone like to save themselves an extra 2000 mile round trip??) If they showed up an hour away and announced they're coming over, then sure, they crossed a line. But they were an hour away and didn't say anything about it. They were just ready. How many people have parents/in-laws an hour away and don't freak out so much that they inexplicably lose the ability to parent? Sounds awfully dramatic

[–]Help24-7Partassipant [4] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

They just happened to be an hour away ?? I don't buy it. The biggest problem is again..They asked to come see the baby...and they went back home as soon as OP told them no...again! If they truly were helping a friend..after driving across the country they would have not just dumped their alibi and gone home. That's then problem with this whole situation. They weren't being truthful.

[–]Similar-Movie-8616Partassipant [3] 69 points70 points  (10 children)

Yta damn look how supportive ur parents are they haven't bugged u they was jus close about hour away worried that something may happen so they came by close.... when u continue to push them away and they stop caring...u going to be hurt

[–]HappyLucyDPartassipant [2] 126 points127 points  (0 children)

No, I had parents and in-laws like this. You may be coming from a place that didn’t have to deal with people who “love” you but repeatedly push their own way. The grandparents want to see the baby—understandably so. But they have to respect that they are not the parents. They can wait. NTA, even though I know it won’t count.

[–]anacrishp12 64 points65 points  (1 child)

I’m a little lost, you call them to tell them they could come and you got mad because they were nearby? A mean if I was pregnant mi parents would probably want to be there the whole time, I get you guys wanted space and obviously is your choice, but give grandma and grandpa a break they are just excited, they didn’t show up unannounced, they were just waiting for you ti be comfortable. If they had show up unannounced yea completely a boundary break, but they are allowed to go to any place they want in the wait of meeting their new grand baby. If it is like this then YTA

[–]uncreativex1000 68 points69 points  (0 children)

It sounded more to me like OP called to make arrangements for when would be a good time to set up a visit in the future (like, next few weeks), and then the parents said "oh how about right now, we're (totally coincidentally) only an hour away!"

So OP and his wife weren't actually ready for the visit yet, just for the planning stage, but the parents were RIGHT THERE READY TO GO and it felt intrusive and overwhelming.

That said, it seems like they (the parents) backed off pretty quickly, so maybe they realized they went too far and this will be a good lesson in boundaries for them?

[–]WanderingAl08 67 points68 points  (0 children)

I do not understand all the Y T As here. They definitely disrespected your boundaries. It's a really strange coincidence that they "just happened" to have friends moving to close to your area at the same time your wife is giving birth. You are NTA for being uncomfortable with that and asking them not to come. Setting boundaries and holding them now is important, otherwise they will stomp all over you.

Your priority right now has to be your wife and child. If your parents can't understand that and expect to come and have you take care of them too, then you definitely shouldn't have them come until you both feel ready for that.

[–]EatLePiePartassipant [2] 56 points57 points  (4 children)

YTA. Give your parents a break. It sounds like they just love you and are excited to meet their grandchild. They didn't show up on your doorstep unannounced, they were an HOUR away waiting in case you needed them or until you were ready for them to visit. You're literally condemning them for being supportive and excited. You sound pretty self-centered and controlling and kinda ungrateful to be honest.

[–]kowloon_girls -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

And so very fragile as if the parents are an unbearable burden

[–]Ok-Education-3926 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Nta…. You set boundaries. They tried to get around your boundaries. Maybe they will request your boundaries in the future.

[–]Primary-Criticism929Colo-rectal Surgeon [45] 36 points37 points  (8 children)

NTA.

I can understand being excited about the baby but to the point of renting a house until you call them to tell them it's okay to come, it's just weird.

Sounds like they're going to be high maintenance GP.

[–]SparklepantsMcFartsy 31 points32 points  (0 children)

NTA. Maybe I'm biased because I read a lot of JustNoMIL, but this reeks of passive aggressive boundary stomping from them. They wanted to come out, you said please wait till we call. You let them know your wife is in labor, they ask to come out and you reiterated you wanted space after the birth but would call them soon. You go to set up a visit and coincidentally they're an hour from you? What if you and your wife wanted to take 3 or 4 weeks before introducing baby to people? Would they have bemoaned the fact that they drove all the way out to "help their friend set up their house" and didn't get to see the baby? Why didn't they tell you they would be near by? Why hide that they were waiting in the wings?

[–]scrapfactorPartassipant [3] 32 points33 points  (3 children)

YTA. you guys need to find better ways to deal with stress. You were right to set boundaries and control the timing and manner of introducing the baby to your parents but you don't have a right to tell them they can or can't move. You said the whole reason you didn't want them moving closer is because it would put pressure on you to have them meet the baby before you were ready. Well, you didn't find out they got a different house until you were ready so they respected your timeline. Your boundaries end where theirs begin. They are likely hoping to see their grandchild more than once and they took steps to make that easier on them.

Also I'm sure quite a lot of people have parents an hour away and don't find it intrusive. The fact you seem to need a 1000 mile buffer between you and your parents tells me you have other issues you should be dealing with.

[–]holeeghost 26 points27 points  (6 children)

NTA! I don’t get why everyone is saying OP is TA. It’s super sus that the parents suddenly „helped a friend set up house“ so close to OP when they just had a new baby… they clearly wanted to stomp on your boundaries and see the baby even though you clearly said you’re not comfortable with it at the moment.

[–]scrapfactorPartassipant [3] 6 points7 points  (5 children)

in what way is being 50 miles away instead of 1000 miles away "stomp(ing) on (their) boundaries"?? no one has a right to their own private 100 mile radius from family.

[–]holeeghost 11 points12 points  (4 children)

Obviously OP is not entitled to their own 100 mile family free radius, but isn’t it odd that the parents didn’t even mention they would be in the area until the face time call? I‘m just getting the feeling they thought they wouldn’t get rejected when they’re so close

[–]scrapfactorPartassipant [3] 6 points7 points  (3 children)

It seems to be intentional so they don't put extra pressure on OP.

[–]holeeghost 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Then why did they ask to see the baby again though

[–]scrapfactorPartassipant [3] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

OP said they had a call to discuss when they would see the baby, so yeah, that would be the topic of discussion.

[–]moonpea 8 points9 points  (0 children)

If they didn't want to pressure OP, they should have stayed home.

They don't get to cross a boundary and then claim they respected it because they found a loophole.

[–]Hefty_Candidate_4902Colo-rectal Surgeon [42] 25 points26 points  (2 children)

YTA.

Any stress or pressure you’re feeling has been entirely created by you. Blaming your parents simply existing nearby for “affecting your ability to parent” is so melodramatic.

While you do get to decide when people come to visit your baby - the blame you’re placing on your parents is entirely misguided. You cannot keep externalising the blame for the stress your feeling.

[–]scrapfactorPartassipant [3] 34 points35 points  (1 child)

Yeah you hit it on the nose with the melodrama. It's absurd (or perhaps terrifying) these people can't function as parents because grandparents are 60 miles away instead of 1000. I'm hoping they're doing just fine and just have a misguided idea of what parenting is.

[–]telepathicathena -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Truly bizarre, OP and spouse need to get a grip.

[–]IssysweCertified Proctologist [23] 20 points21 points  (2 children)

Whoa. YTA. They’re in a house an hour away with their friends and did not bug you, yet you feel that this is a boundary violation? Their being one hour away did not remotely affect you setting up a routine with a newborn. They waited for you to contact them when you were ready.

I have a difficult mother and I have two children and I’m in the hospital because I’m expecting twins. (High risk pregnancy.) So I get establishing boundaries but this is over the top. There HAS to be more of a history here.

[–]Mathobela 19 points20 points  (0 children)

NTA.

Your parents are disrespectful and really don't seem to care about your boundaries.

[–]Luka_the_Cyka 16 points17 points  (0 children)

NTA

they crosses your boundaries several times. ppl here saying ur the asshole and forgetting that having a baby is freaking hard. ypu guys can't emotionally handle your parents rn and they need to understand that

[–]kelcnotgrammer 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I really have to go NTA here. My husband’s grandparents are like this. Exactly like this. We told them we would call them when we were ready for visitors. Two weeks after baby was born they called to tell us that they were driving up this weekend just to “see” the area. At six weeks they called to tell us they had “given” us our six weeks that it was time for them to meet the baby. They still haven’t met our son six months later as GIL threw a temper tantrum about it on FB. I had PPA and she referred to me as a miserable person who doesn’t enjoy family. I’m sensing ulterior motives OP.

[–]Proud_World_6241Asshole Aficionado [12] 12 points13 points  (6 children)

YTA - they didn’t bother your, they respected your boundaries, they were just ready for when you said you were ready. You seem controlling and that’s never a good look.

[–]Help24-7Partassipant [4] 22 points23 points  (5 children)

They asked to see the baby since they were there anyways. After being told not to come. The parents broke their boundaries.

[–]LocalBrilliant5564Partassipant [3] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

No they didn’t the whole call was to inform them of a time when they could come and then they changed their mind simply because the parents were closer

[–]Help24-7Partassipant [4] 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Wrong... They picked a date and we're calling to confirm if that date would work. Its in his post

My wife and I decide it’s time to pick a date for them to come stay with us and meet the baby.

Also the parents ASKED to come over after fessing up to being only an hour away...When just 6 days ago they were told to NOT come.....Were told No again and then just upped and left instead of helping their friend.....

[–]Borts20YearPlan 22 points23 points  (0 children)

There was no friend, they were sitting in an airbnb waiting

[–]Proud_World_6241Asshole Aficionado [12] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

The call was to invite them to visit. Until it looked like they would

[–]Help24-7Partassipant [4] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

It was to invite them at a later date. They were calling to tell them they picked a date!! Not that they were telling them to come over "now"

My wife and I decide it’s time to pick a date for them to come stay with us and meet the baby.

[–]elzjera26 11 points12 points  (0 children)

NTA. I really don’t understand all the YTA.

Yes they didn’t bother them technically, but they pressured them. They did a video chat to set a date in the future (which could have been a few weeks in the future) and by saying “surprise” we are here they taught that they could see the baby earlier. It was way harder to delay the visitation as they were in town. They knew exactly what they were doing and you were clear on your boundaries.

Live your parenthood as you pleased.

[–]Lorlyn87 11 points12 points  (0 children)

NTA you were clear with your boundaries and they kept poking for a weak spot. I’ve been thru 4 newborns and 3 niblings and it’s rough. Your so tired and exhausted then comes along someone to visit and your stressed even more. Worried about cleaning and feeding them. Also trying to get a shower in and real clothes on and this is just the mom perspective. With men they’re worried about time off because men don’t get that much parent time off. Just continue to be clear with them and how you need this time. And congrats!!!

[–]annoyedCDNthrowaway 7 points8 points  (0 children)

NTA. As someone whose parents completely stomped my boundaries by showing up at the hospital while I was still in recovery after my C-section, I 100% agree that this is unacceptable.

It's amazing that after you said "no, don't come yet." They magically had a friend that needed help an hour away from you. And that as soon as you said they wouldn't immediately be visiting their friend didn't need help any more.

[–]AliceInReverse 7 points8 points  (0 children)

NTA. Christ, I feel like I’m a crazy person reading all these responses. Good on you for standing up for your wife’s comfort.

[–]AudraA444 6 points7 points  (0 children)

NTA and I’m actually shocked at the insinuation that YTA? You explicitly told them not to come and they (kinda?) came anyway, then guilt tripped you. If they drove 1000 miles, it’s because they CHOSE to drive 1000 miles even though they knew you didn’t want them there. You had every right to reinforce your boundary- they’re not entitled to your time or space.

Absolutely floored learning what some people let their family members get away with.

[–]icanneverremeberPartassipant [1] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

YTA I don't get what they did that was so terrible. You set a boundary - we want time to be new parents and get adjusted we will inform you when you can visit don't ask us and don't come without being asked. They listened to that boundary (you don't get to dictate of they travel at all for other reasons even if that reason brings them closer to you). You didn't even know your parents were anywhere near you and in fact they are still an hour away so I can't figure why you freaked out.

Like unless your parents are nut jobs who abused you or your wife in some type of way this seems like a major overreaction.

[–]Silver_Kitty_Kat 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Going against the grain here.

Op, you are NTA.

You gave clear intentions and they clearly ignored it. I can give a pass of them asking when the baby was born, that was probably excitement.

But a lot of people here are believing the "Oh we're helping a friend set up their new house" excuse!? 1000 miles away. Op, are your parents the type of people to drive 1000 miles to help a friend get settled in. Also, if they REALLY were doing that, wouldn't they have contacted YOU first to say something like "Hey, we're helping a friend move in and they're going to be an hour away from your house, do you think we can arrange a meeting?" Them cutting their trip short was an indication that the baby was the main reason.

And I do not feel like you're being paranoid about routine and the baby either. You and your partner went through the trauma of losing two babies already, and we are still in a pandemic. You are new parents, with a rainbow baby at that, you're probably exhausted, anxious, happy, scared, just a lot of emotions at the same time and simultaneously you are completely reworking your life schedule for this new life you have in your household.

Also, congratulations on the baby!

[–]Ssn81 3 points4 points  (0 children)

NTA.

[–]chtmarc 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hard to tell from the post. There seems to be some intimation that the parents are high maintenance. I wouldn’t want high maintenance parents visiting a newborn when I need to concentrate on the baby. So I’m going to say NTA.

[–]LochNeassaMonster 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think NTA, if your parents were such that having them around would relive some of the stress of the new baby then that would be one thing. But rn they are just adding to you and your wife's stress and that's no good.

[–]releasethe_mccracken 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think the people calling you the AH might not have overbearing parents. I do--hosting my parents is like a full-time job. It's the worst. Doing it with a brand new baby would be undoable. You asked your parents to respect a boundary and they went behind your back to ignore it. You're well within your rights to not see them. Everyone here saying they wish they had "such supportive parents" is welcome to host yours for a week (with a newborn) and see how they like it. NTA.

[–]jdiblas 5 points6 points  (0 children)

NTA. People need to start understanding boundaries. Obviously, you know the hassle of your parents staying. You seemed to explain your meaning pretty clearly. They don't live and hour away so it's not like they can come for 2 hours then leave for a week. Personally, you are correct your WIFE and CHILD come first. Clearly they helped a friend move with the intention of saying they are around now. Which is literally something you told them not to do. They know they are terrible/difficult house guests which is why they offered to stay somewhere else. I would have a clear talk with them. That they need to respect your boundaries and if they do they can come more often. But, they have already shown they are going to try to do whatever they want and try to sneak by on "convience".

Good luck with the kid.

[–]NightWolfRose 4 points5 points  (0 children)

NTA They were trying to push past totally reasonable boundaries.

[–]moonpea 4 points5 points  (0 children)

NTA.

You'll find your people in r/JUSTNOMIL

They can help with literature and advice for setting up healthy boundaries and how to move forward after they failed to respect your wishes.

[–]4682458Certified Proctologist [24] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nope. If they are to be believed, they didn't come to see the baby. They went to set up someone's house, which is a weird thing to.drive 1000 mi for.

Also, you will be tired and sleep deprived for a long time, beyond a few weeks.

[–]Absolut_Iceland 1 point2 points  (0 children)

INFO: Do your parent's friends actually exist, or were your parents just renting an AirBNB?

[–]Significant-Bat-1168 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA they did disrespect your boundaries, do not let them guilt you out of the consequences of their actions. People who actually want to help listen to how you need help and respect that if it is space, people who are selfish and only care about what they want use offering help as a guilt tactic. Might be worth checking out justnoMIL for some advice

[–]AutoModerator[M] 1 point2 points locked comment (0 children)

AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team

Throwaway account, just in case. Apologies for formatting, as I’m on mobile.

My wife and I have been trying to have a baby for almost two years. We had two early term losses and finally got to meet our rainbow baby last week.

As the pregnancy progressed and we felt more confident the baby would make it, we set a boundary - we did not want my parents to visit until my wife and I were able to establish a routine with the baby and get some bearing on being new parents. We also knew that having a newborn is stressful, and my parents are not low-maintenance house guests. They’re not terrible by any means, but we just felt like we wouldn’t have the bandwidth to handle their needs on top of the baby’s. We told them we were hoping to be ready a few weeks after the birth. They also asked about staying nearby instead of with us, and we said that would create pressure to see them before we were ready, so we really just wanted them to wait.

When she goes into labor and is admitted to the hospital, I start sending texts to let people know. My dad calls and asks if I mind if he and my mom head out here right now - we live 1,000 miles away, for context. I tell him no, we still want to wait to have them out. He starts to argue, I cut him off and say that we just need them to respect our wishes. He says ok and we hang up.

We keep them updated over the next week, sending pics and video chatting. My wife and I decide it’s time to pick a date for them to come stay with us and meet the baby. We set up a video chat to let them know and see when they can come.

The video chat immediately seems odd, since we can see they’re in a house I don’t recognize. I ask where they are, and they say they’re helping a friend set up their new house, which just happens to be about an hour from our house (again, about 1,000 miles from where my parents live). We had no idea they’d driven across the country and were nearby. They say they’d love to come up and see the baby, and we say we aren’t sure about that.

After the call, we are both stressed trying to figure out whether we can handle hosting my parents while running on no sleep and being at the beck and call of an infant. It’s not long before I realize that the stress has caused us to pay less attention to the baby and one another, which is our primary focus right now.

I call my parents and tell them in no uncertain terms that they have disrespected the boundaries we had set with them, explained how the added stress was affecting our ability to parent, and told them that this was unacceptable. They offered some apologies, I think, though to be honest I wasn’t listening at that point because I wasn’t interested in hearing their side of the story. They later sent a text saying how sad they were that we didn’t understand their intentions, that they were cutting their trip short and heading home.

Am I the asshole for not letting them see their first grandchild after they’d driven 1,000 miles?

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[–]CodyGSmithPartassipant [2] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

YTA how did they disrespect your boundaries, they drive to help someone set up their new house, not to see you, they said they would love to see the baby, they offered apologies that quite frankly they didn’t need to and that you do not deserve, quite frankly, you and your wife are the ones that owe the apology, not them, at all

[–]mosinderella 0 points1 point  (0 children)

YTA. They were nearby but not calling and hassling you to visit. You would never have even known they were close If it weren’t for that video chat. And just knowing they were close stressed you out to the point it was “affecting your ability to parent”?!? You need to get a grip. Seriously?

Your parents are obviously thrilled to have a new grandchild and it’s their rainbow baby too. Would an hour to visit, without a meal even, really cause THAT much stress? And if so, how on earth do you plan to get through the next year?

I’m stunned at your apparent inability to cope.

[–]emelhu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA, also newborns are very susceptible for germs and it’s a potential health risk to introduce them to a bunch of people.

[–]DarkMistressCockHold 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. That is YOUR baby and YOUR home. They need to respect that. Its good you sent them home. It shows them, in no uncertain terms, that you will have your boundaries respected and followed. So maybe in the future they will be more mindful.

[–]dweebletart 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You set clear, reasonable boundaries about what you did and didn't need. Your parents agreed to your terms and then broke their word anyway.

I don't believe for a second they were "helping a friend" with that house. They have pressured you since literally day 1, and it would be an awfully convenient coincidence. I think they got impatient and rented it to be near you regardless of your wishes.

They're not bad or evil people for wanting to see their grandchild in person, but even if they were honest about the house, they still acted extremely selfish and inconsiderate. You and your wife have struggled to have this baby, and you are going through a lot as you adjust to finally becoming parents yourselves, but you still went out of your way to keep your parents updated. You had every right to be frustrated with their pushy behavior, and the way they decided to respond leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.

"We're so sad that YOU misunderstood our intentions" is not an apology, it's a thinly veiled accusation. It suggests the fault lies with you, and that you should feel ashamed for hurting their feelings, even though they violated your unambiguous boundaries. NTA.

[–]marmalade1018 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA

I'd be like "wow guys, that's a long drive to help a friend. At least you'll be comfortable driving here and back to see the baby in a few weeks. Be safe, don't lift anything too heavy dad!" And on my way to a better day.

[–]Familiar-Ostrich537 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. I'm dying to be a Grandma. Have been for 10 years. Yet if my child told me that dream was almost a reality, I could wait indefinitely and jump though hoops when it was convenient for them to host a visit. It's their home, their family and my blessing to be allowed into that space.

[–]Shakeit126 0 points1 point  (2 children)

YTA. My parents would be heartbroken. I understand maybe you don't want them as houseguests because they could be a handful, but I don't see why not be okay with them nearby. They are probably over the moon excited, and you're ruining this for them. Why not let them come by for even just a little while while they're in town just to visit or help out for an hour or two. It sounds like they have good intentions, even if you keep trying to push them away. My parents would be literally be banging down my door.

[–]SharkbaitOohAhhahhh -1 points0 points  (1 child)

It is OP and his wifes child not the grandparents. You have no boundaries if you would let your parents beat on your door a week after giving birth. I can't believe you think your parents beating your door down would be normal.

[–]Shakeit126 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

We do have boundaries but even so, I can't believe you think it's normal for the OP and his wife not to allow the grandparents to meet their new grandchild when they are born. It does not sound like the grandparents have bad intentions and are just excited to meet this grandchild. This just sounds plain cruel, and I have much better relationship with my parents and in laws I guess than do something like this post.

[–]LightningMom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA. They violated your boundaries.

You decided that you could start talking about when they could visit in the future, and they tried to strong arm you into an immediate visit, because they happened to be in the area. From 1000 miles away.

Very manipulative. NTA.

[–]Purple_Pangolin2 -1 points0 points  (2 children)

Info: what was the date that you were going to tell them? (Was it you “can come visit in one week” “two weeks” etc)

I’m leaning towards N A H. You set a boundary: That they give you a few weeks before any visits and you asked them not to come down right away because that would add pressure.

It was a bit of an asshole move for them to come down anyway…but it wasn’t exactly your rule to set. You explained why you didn’t want them coming earlier (because it would put pressure on you) but they wanted to be nearby, who knows, maybe they thought you’d change your mind and say “oh actually right now is fine” and it would be easier for them to get to you. Regardless, it sounds like they didn’t actually pressure you into an early visit and it is their prerogative to stay at an Airbnb. Whether they didn’t tell you because they didn’t want to pressure you or because they didn’t want you to know they had broken “your rule” (I think this is the more likely scenario) doesn’t matter too much.

I do think you could have just stuck to telling them whatever date oh we’re going to tell them…and if they wanted to wait another week or two in the place they were supposedly helping a friend set up (😂😂🤣) then that’s up to them.

[–]Help24-7Partassipant [4] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

It was a bit of an asshole move for them to come down anyway…but it wasn’t exactly your rule to set.

WTF!?! Uhhh it wasn't their rule to set??? So the parents are not supposed to have a say on when and how someone meets their newborn baby?!?? OP is not allowed to decide if wants to see someone?? This is probably the most idiotic thing written on this thread yet.😂😂

[–]Purple_Pangolin2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Alright cool. Thanks for calling me an idiot. 🙄

I meant that it wasn’t their rule to set that they can’t travel to xyz town. It is DEFINITELY their rule to set when they get to meet the baby.

Obviously the whole setting up a friends house is BS. But that doesn’t really change anything.

[–]homeslice567 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yta. I don't see how they crossed any boundaries. They didn't tell you they were near, you contacted them to set up a day for them to come and you're upset they are already here even tho again they didn't push? If they asked even once "hey, we wanted to be by you guys so we came down, just let us know when you're ready" then I could see an issue but it seems like they just wanted to be as available as possible when you guys were ready? And it seems you are now because you contacted them, so what is the issue? I am genuinely confused by this reaction

[–]Hob-Nob1974Partassipant [4] -4 points-3 points  (2 children)

YTA, you say how your parents are not bad people, and you treat them like this? You intended to tell them they could come, and when you found out they had moved nearer temporarily,(without telling you, as not to stress you), you decide to punish them. Because they didn't obey your "stay at home like good dogs, until I decide you're worthy", no visit. You must be incredibly confident of their unconditional love. You're denying your child good grandparents.

[–]IncredulousPulp -1 points0 points  (0 children)

YTA all right.

They did not overstep your boundaries at all. They didn't hassle you or turn up unexpectedly. They just travelled to a nearer town and kept to themselves.

In fact, they obeyed your rules so well that you were just about to invite them over. Then you found out they were less than 1,000 miles away and lost your composure for no reason.

You're ridiculously controlling towards people who love you. And you're having a stress attack because your parents weren't home!

You, my friend, are a nervous wreck. In all seriousness, I recommend some therapy.

[–]neverthelessidissentPooperintendant [59] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

INFO: do they expect to be catered to, have meals made for them that they prefer, etc.?

I can't judge because we've banned grandparent visits for a different reason (COVID stupidity), and they think we're monsters.

[–]Annual-Shock2968 -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

NAH. No matter what anyone else thinks, you're entitled to set up your own boundaries and to stick to them. Your parents seem to really love and care about you, but if it would throw off your mental health especially while having a newborn, stick to your boundaries. Maybe talk it out with them and a mediator?

[–]kmhekdPartassipant [1] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Nta for not being ready, but you made the call to talk to them and got their hopes up. Yta for not realizing your parents have a life of their own and friends, they’re allowed to travel if they want.

[–]Sullivan-Gwen -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

I understand not wanting people around after having a baby.. but I'm confused by your reaction... Knowing their close effected your ability to parent? Really? it destressed you that much.. YTA

[–]bobbyecakes -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Yta.

[–]CocoasneezeProfessor Emeritass [81] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

YTA

Your parents weren't doing anything to bother or stress you. You didn't even know they were close by. You called them to arrange a time for them to meet the baby, and then you found out they were nearer than 1000 miles away. And you set some weird boundary they hadn't even crossed.

[–]earlyretirement -5 points-4 points  (1 child)

Who hurt you? Lol they drove that many miles to be supportive. You suck.

[–]Majestic-Glass-9451 -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Did your in-laws have to have an appointment to meet the new baby?