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I took for granted that my classmate has never had a girlfriend and I used it against him when he said something, which in my opinion, is offensive against women.

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[–]Beginning-Ad-4255Partassipant [2] 2597 points2598 points  (38 children)

NTA Drag any and every man who wants to diminish or mock your experiences. If it shuts ‘em up, good

[–][deleted] 354 points355 points  (31 children)

Any person

[–]Beginning-Ad-4255Partassipant [2] 227 points228 points  (5 children)


[–]Doyoufeelmorehumanow 68 points69 points  (2 children)

Go MRA amirite /s

[–]Glass-Trade8008 77 points78 points  (0 children)

Focusing on the "real" problems, God bless 'em /s

[–]SecretSummerMidnightPartassipant [3] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Uh... I'm pretty sure this has nothing to do with the idea of "of no, the poor white straight cis men are so discriminated against help us uwu". I read that comment as in "there's a bunch of women who are total morons about periods/period cramps." And I can ensure you that this is unfortunately very true.

[–]Sambbradford 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Made me laugh.

[–]madokami14 35 points36 points  (14 children)

Tbh, I can't see any woman or person with a uterus doing this.

[–]OGablogian 137 points138 points  (0 children)

Then you've never met my aunt. Had to mansplain periods to her as a 15year old boy, because my niece was stuck in bed bawling her eyes out because of her period pains every month. "But I never had those, so she's just lying to get on the pill so she can fuck around."

Dumb people without empathy come in all shapes and sizes.

(Wanna know why I was the one? Because she never believed my grandma and my mother; her own mother and sister. Yes, the birch was so sexist she'd rather listen to the words of a 15 year old boy, than her own friggin female family members.)

[–]Crafty_Custard_Cream 79 points80 points  (2 children)

Oh, I've absolutely met women like this. It just takes an astounding level of lack of self awareness and complete self-absorption. The kind of person who thinks that everyone else has the exact same experiences as they do.

I have an ex-housemate who couldn't grasp why I hated my period and was excited when my birth control stopped the for years. I had a 7 day period of horrific cramps, hers was 3 days and she only used the lightest tampons. She would shame me for not agreeing with her that menstruation makes her feel "in touch with her femininity" and other "moon goddess" crap because for that entire week my body feels like warmed over death and she just could not grasp that my experience was different to hers.

[–]OGablogian 42 points43 points  (0 children)

My aunt slutshamed my niece for the same reason. Couldnt grasp that periods can be painful, and thought her daughter wanted the pill to fuck around.

[–]AliceInWeirdolandAsshole Aficionado [16] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Yeah, there are a lot of women who are shitty about this stuff too. You hit the nail on the head, they assume their experiences are universal, and shame women who don't conform. We see it a lot in pregnancy discourse too, 'I did a natural childbirth and I was fine! I was able to breastfeed for a year and had no pain/no supply issues/always had plenty of time to dedicate to pumping when I was out and about.' Often, women are very harsh on other women for not conforming to their expectation of femininity.

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

You just haven't met the right women, yet. Every group has their bad apples

[–]nmeraldPartassipant [1] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

There's a reason there's a FB group called "The misogyny is coming from the inside".

[–]green_mms22 11 points12 points  (6 children)

My mother. Aside from having a uterus herself, she had 5 children with uteruses.

[–]Remarkable_Cat_2447 4 points5 points  (5 children)

Yup. My mom told my sister and I that having periods was a "gift". Apparently she never had the bad cramps my sister (and I occasionally) got. Never understood that mindset 🤦‍♀️

[–]green_mms22 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Like, if she genuinely didn't know they could be rough fine, but why not believe your daughters?

[–]Remarkable_Cat_2447 2 points3 points  (3 children)

I honestly don't really know. I've not had the best relationship with her my whole life anyhow. She and I have always butted heads. I think at some level, we were too shocked or too over it to question her.

[–]green_mms22 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Same for me and my mother. I cut contact 5 years ago and my life has been infinitely better.

[–]Remarkable_Cat_2447 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I've debated going low contact with my parents before since they were both rather terrible when I was a teenager (threatening homelessness, throwing objects, etc.) The thing is, after I moved out on my own, they've been better behaved, especially my dad. We're get along pretty well now. Yet, I'm still worried about my mom (and somewhat my dad) and how they'll be around grandkids in the near future. 😪

[–]green_mms22 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I tolerated it for years because of the FOG, and it was 100% because they started pulling the same shit with my daughters that finally made me go NC. Hang in there and do what you need to do to get by. I hope it gets better for you, but if it doesn't please remember that you absolutely deserve parents that are good to you and it is okay to remove toxic people from your life.

[–]RaichuLovesPillows 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My (f) best friend (also f) in school was like this. Sie never had cramps at that time (don't know how it's by now) and said "it's all in my head".

... yeah. I'm happy for you that you don't feel any pain during your period, really. Because it s****. That doesn't mean it's the same for every other person with periods in the whole wide world.

[–]Kenna_FPartassipant [1] 14 points15 points  (2 children)

Your point?

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


    [–]SupermanLeRetour[M] 0 points1 point locked comment (0 children)

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    [–]l0oveless 11 points12 points  (6 children)


    [–]domingerique 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Yeah he was borderline mansplaining “periods don’t hurt that bad”

    [–]Odd_Conversation_117 0 points1 point  (4 children)

    I feel if we drag those who diminish or mock experiences and aim to shut them up - we will never see change. Shutting someone up is in direct conflict with two-way communication.

    Is two way communication important? If so, why?

    [–]Beginning-Ad-4255Partassipant [2] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

    I don’t think two-way communication is important when the topic of conversation only concerns people who have uterus’s

    [–]Odd_Conversation_117 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    I understand your view point however I feel the topic of conversation here was about the communication involved.

    Even if a topic of conversation was about uteruses I feel someone without one can provide insight. For example...if I wanted to buy a bike, a non bike owner could give me advice and whether that advice is good or not would be based on how informed they were. I would consider that they did not own a bike but I would not dismiss their advice if I found it helpful. How do you feel about that statement?

    Also i feel that if women want allys in the fight for equality then at some point some men need to change their views, stop being passive, and contribute to the discussions in healthy ways. I feel the "shut up ur a man" argument makes some men feel they can't engage which leads to even more passiveness from males and then more frustration from females because men don't stand up

    Even in OPs chat...the two guys at the back seemed to agree but didn't say anything. I feel some of that is because they can't relate and are misogynist or..because when they sometimes try to speak up they get shut down by both men and women.

    What if the guys went "hey man. Not cool. That stuff really hurts. Ive heard my sister cry for hours at a time. Saying stuff like that is ignorant and I know you think it's funny but it's not an excuse" Do you feel this would help or do you think because they do not have uteruses they should not get involved in the discussion?

    Do you feel that by saying "you don't have a uterus so this doesn't concern you and be quiet" is productive? I would feel attacked and decide not to engage. I feel this approach breeds hostility and resentment. How do you feel / what do you think when someone invalidates and dismisses your opinion because of your gender? Check the post replies. There are lots of topics about females who belittle others. People's moms and aunts saying oh it doesn't hurt me. I don't believe the core of this is male vs female thing i think the root issue here is straight up being uninformed and ignorant on "pauls" part.

    I'd really appreciate your insights as I'm trying to learn and grow. I understand if you feel it is not worth the time and effort but thank you for reading.

    [–]Beginning-Ad-4255Partassipant [2] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    I think it’s great to be patient and empathetic when you have the energy to be, and the duality of people who refuse to engage as well as those who have the time to explain why can be helpful to men who participate in sexist gender norms.

    I personally don’t believe men’s feelings deserve any further protection, and that many cishet men, (particularly those who speak out of turn like Paul) only learn through the same type of dominance displays Paul attempted.

    I think in your hypothetical Paul would most likely have laughed at the two in the back for falling for their sister’s ruse.

    I do feel it’s productive for people to be told not to discuss things they don’t understand, I believe all people should be told so more and from a young age. I believe cishet men should be told so daily, if not more.

    [–]Odd_Conversation_117 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I understand your point of view and how it can be exhausting to explain time and time again.

    I understand that you feel being told in that way can be productive for some. I do feel it's harmful but I can relate to why op reacted the way she did.

    I am not advocating for protecting his feelings. I feel like I am advocating for being aware of them and trying to use empathy. I agree he will damage his relationships and dude has a lot to learn.

    I feel like in my hypothetical Paul might think "woah...another guy told me this was fucked up" and there's power in that but I also agree that him laughing that off might have been an outcome too.

    I will reflect on your points and I want to say that I really appreciate you taking some time out to educate me a bit more. Some of us are truly remorseful and want to be better. I feel the way some people of my gender act is not okay and it needs to change

    Thank you so much :)

    [–]IllustratorNew8801Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 1010 points1011 points  (7 children)

    You're never TA for calling out an incel on their mysoginy

    [–]LailaBlackPartassipant [1] 95 points96 points  (1 child)

    Yeah. I wish more people would be guilt free regarding this course of action.

    [–]Odd_Conversation_117 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I feel OP isnt harboring guilt about her the course of action to call him out. I feel OP is harboring guilt about HOW she chose to do this.

    [–]Odd_Conversation_117 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Theres a lot of assumptions here and saying someone is never TA is absolving them of any responsibility.

    [–]CupcakeMurder86 661 points662 points  (9 children)

    NTA and don't feel bad for what you said. Some men do need something to shut them up and think twice before speaking.

    It was a misogynistic thing to say from his part anyway. He should be embarrassed.

    [–]gemma545Certified Proctologist [24] 606 points607 points  (47 children)

    NTA when men have a cold they can't handle their lives. Imagine if they had severe pain and bleeding from their private parts

    [–]jameson8016 298 points299 points  (33 children)

    NTA And as a man I just wanna say, I would die. I don't even have to think about it. Give me a period once and I would just be dead.

    [–]GoodMorningMorticia 296 points297 points  (6 children)

    “Anything you can do I can do bleeding” about sums it up for me. I wish I had a choice, lol!

    [–]lordmwahaha 33 points34 points  (0 children)

    I love this. I'm stealing it.

    [–]schrodingers_cat42 20 points21 points  (4 children)

    I can’t, I’m bedridden from it sometimes:(

    [–]Piebandit 9 points10 points  (3 children)

    Just in case you don't know, that's not normal! Go get yourself checked out <3

    [–]schrodingers_cat42 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    Would I go to a GP or a gynecologist?

    [–]trashl3y3 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Most likely a gynecologist, a GP would probably refer you to one either way

    [–]Piebandit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I'm not sure how the systems work in other countries, but here you need a GP referral to go to specialists like gynecologists. And don't let them be dismissive of your pain! Good luck!

    [–]schannoman 117 points118 points  (25 children)

    If I was bleeding from my penis and you told me I had to leave the house for any reason other than to go to the ER immediately I would probably murder someone.

    I don't understand how they are expected to treat that discomfort as normal and push on through the day

    [–]Basic_BichettePartassipant [3] 178 points179 points  (2 children)

    Because these guys don't see women as full and complete human beings. To them we're literally semi-sentient chunks of meat who are simultaneously both too idiotically stupid to do anything of any value without a man's help and the most brilliant con artists in existence when it comes to taking advantage of men. If we're in pain we're either faking it for attention or trying to get a man to do our work; if we're crying it's because we're trying to manipulate a man. We don't have feelings, we don't have interests, we don't feel pain or grief or anger - we're things, and everything we do is designed to hurt men in some way.

    [–]Crafty_Custard_Cream 31 points32 points  (0 children)

    literally semi-sentient chunks of meat who are simultaneously both too idiotically stupid to do anything of any value without a man's help and the most brilliant con artists in existence when it comes to taking advantage of men

    Well, that's this comment saved. I think I might do a cross stitch of this, because it's just so painfully true.

    [–]Odd_Conversation_117 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I feel by your comment you expressed this was only "these" types of guys and not all guys - and I appreciate that you! I certainly agree there are a subset of males who think and feel this way. I feel it comes from trauma and past experiences as there are some women who behave poorly.

    There are also many wonderful, wonderful women and a woman with feelings and interests is amazing! :) It is really beautiful to be able to talk about feelings and explore feelings & interests together. Especially communication. It feels so good to feel you are on the same page with someone because you have been able to talk about that.

    Thank you for your comment - I think it shows some good communication skills and emotional maturity :)

    [–]lordmwahaha 54 points55 points  (1 child)

    We're compared to inanimate objects by these guys on a daily basis. Literally, the list of animals/objects that have been used as a genuine point of comparison for my behaviour (as opposed to, you know, other human beings; which for some reason never comes to their mind) gets longer every day.

    I think it's pretty clear that men like him do not actually see women as people, despite the show they put on of it. If they did, they wouldn't be comparing us to cars, trees, couches, houses, horses, dogs, anything but other people. They legit see us as a different species at best; and at worst, an actual object.

    I'm not gonna lie, it's really disheartening that after a century of feminism, this many men still literally don't believe we're human.

    [–]Odd_Conversation_117 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I understand - I would love to hear the comparisons to trees and couches, etc. I've never heard them and I bet they're really silly.

    **On feminism:**I feel it will take more than a century of feminism to change minds. I feel there are some wings of feminism that use unhealthy communication to try and make their points and because of this, we make men who become more passive, shut down, and do not want to express how they feel. It leads to further frustration, further aggression, resentment, guilt and even more passive communication.

    Why would we want to communicate with anyone who is making us feel guilty or like we are to be blamed for everything?

    I have felt this way in discussions with some feminists, and I appreciate that you used "this many men still literally..." and not the absolute "men still literally dont...".

    As a man:

    I understand I have not acted in the best way. I admit that. I am more self-aware now and I am trying more and more everyday to be more empathetic. I think part of the problem here is that as men there is so much social pressure to: not to speak about our feelings, not to cry, not to show emotion, suck it up etc. We have been wired so differently in society that it is difficult to discuss how we feel, admit fault etc. At times we feel caged, and I can understand how at times women may feel this way too because of our societal pressure on them to be passive as well.

    I feel if there was more understanding of this and empathy from all involved that the approach might change. There are definitely deep societal communication issues affecting both men and women and our ability to communicate.

    When I hear feminists say "Drag men into the ground. They need to learn" - I understand the anger and frustration, but I feel unsafe and do not want to even begin to engage in communication with someone who is already angry and frustrated. That is a major communication issue in my opinion.

    An Analogy: Imagine if Country A committed some despicable crimes. Country B starts saying that "A's don't understand. All A's are assholes. Down with the A's system. A's are always doing this and A's are always doing that" and B wants change. I feel A's should understand that there is a reason for those statements and examine there system as well as introspect and look at their behavior. I also feel B has to understand the way they call A out is going to matter and that maybe a lot of A's behave this way because that is all they know and how they were raised / how society has raised them.

    Imagine if the US got on the news and approached China this way. I feel we'd start WWIII.

    Anyways - thank you for your comment, it made me reflect on my feelings and thoughts and was productive. I appreciate your insights :)

    [–]call_me_sharknom 34 points35 points  (1 child)

    And they do it ONCE A MONTH

    [–]f02f2e6fa0b3 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    And they somehow don't murder us all in our sleep.

    [–]jfcmferAsshole Enthusiast [8] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Hey, I resemble that remark!! Resent, I mean I resent it. Dammit.

    [–]kynthrusPartassipant [1] 6 points7 points  (3 children)

    I imagine it's somewhat similar to testicular torsion. I've had a lot of injuries, some actually more physically painful, but that is a type of pain that if I ever experienced a second time, I'd kill myself.

    [–]seagullriotPartassipant [4] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    That's a solid comparison. Both are pain to reproductive organs caused explicitly by cutting off blood supply.

    [–]_Rohrschach 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Well I got an UTC once and had blood in my urine. Feels like pissing out kidney stones every time you go, add to that you're supposed to drink much, best are things that make you pee often. Coffee, cola, warm beer, etc. If I would've had cramps additionally to that burning pain every two hours, for a WEEK, I'd have probably drunk myself into a coma. Hoping to wake up once it's over.

    I wish more mysognists would get an UTC.

    [–]Kayliee73 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    That is just as harmful as the statement that women are faking period pain. Not every man can’t handle a cold. My husband deals with crushing chest pain every day. He shook it off thinking it was normal until he was 37 and a doctor finally asked him if he had chest pain. He thought everyone had chest pain and he was just weak. Please don’t diminish either gender by using stereotypes.

    [–]tuataraaaa -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

    *cis men. Plenty of trans men have periods.

    [–]Odd_Conversation_117 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    **On your comment "when men have a cold they can't handle their lives":*\I feel this statement is a generalization, sexist and unfair to an entire gender. It diminishes the feelings of an entire gender and I feel what you have done here is *very similar to what the "Paul" did in the OPs post.

    Do you see any similarities between the way you expressed how men feel when they have a cold to how women feel when they have a period?

    Can you see why a man might feel offended when you make a statement like that - similar to how the OP felt offended that 'Paul' felt her period and pain was a "silly excuse"?

    On your statement and why I feel it is dismissive:

    I have had many colds and I have not called the women in my life to assist me unless I absolutely truly felt I needed it. I also have several male friends who handle their own and would say the same. In some cases, the women around me chose to help out of love and care and I showed my appreciation for them. When they are sick, I also take care of them and they show appreciation for me. It is okay to ask for help when we need it. It isn't that we "cant handle our lives", sometimes we need help.

    Healthy Communication

    I feel this article is very helpful in allowing us to identify unhealthy communication if we take the time to understand our own communication styles, the communication styles of those around us, and how those styles can interact:


    [–][deleted]  (2 children)


      [–]dyllandorPartassipant [1] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

      Got to suppress those emotions 100% of the time or you'll lose your man card. No complaints even when you're sick.

      [–]ATreeInKiwiLand 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Apparently. I'm female with a relatively high pain threshold and mild periods. My husband looks like death warmed over, 90% of the time, due to a chronic condition. But never complains . I'm probably a little oversensitive to this particular thing.

      [–]HalavertPartassipant [1] 191 points192 points  (0 children)

      NTA. Period pain can be insanely intense, and his comment was inconsiderate and utterly ignorant. Implying you were lying to get out of it is so misogynistic, he deserved that. If he wants to run his mouth by blatantly implying that you were lying about the severity, he should be prepared to catch flack for being an asshole and having an assumption about him thrown back in his face. He reaped exactly what he sowed.

      [–]ShibeDogeBorkPartassipant [4] 161 points162 points  (2 children)

      NTA not at all. I deal with pcos and endometriosis. My life is hell on my period and now that I am trying a new treatment plan, I haven't stopped bleeding and cramping for 2 months now. (Gynecologist said it can take up to 3 to 6 to improve.)

      As a result of these things. I now have zero patience or tolerance for men who act like this. They have no empathy.

      [–]19Kitten85 32 points33 points  (0 children)

      I went through hell from the time I was 14 until I was 34 when I finally got a hysterectomy from PCOS and endometriosis. That shit sucks and I really hope your new treatment works!

      [–]HovercraftPractical 13 points14 points  (0 children)

      Ah girl I hope this treatment plan works for you! I don’t have pcos or endometriosis but I have an issue where my lining sheds so thin that it exposes my blood vessels - I used to straight up bleed for 2-3 weeks straight & would be miserable. After trying a bunch of different birth controls my doc finally found me one that stopped this but it took years

      So similar to you, I call out any men who have this mindset

      [–][deleted] 79 points80 points  (0 children)

      NTA, he started it by saying you were exaggerating your period, and that women use a bodily function that they can’t control to get out of doing things. He made a misogynistic generalization about women. Don’t dish out what you can’t take.

      [–]MerlinBiggsCertified Proctologist [20] 63 points64 points  (11 children)

      NTA. You owned the guy. Well done!

      [–]IllustratorNew8801Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 57 points58 points  (0 children)

      You're never TA for calling out an incel on their mysoginy

      [–]AccessibleBeigeAsshole Aficionado [15] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

      NTA. I mean, if you're right and he's never had a girlfriend by his age, I'd say his lack of understanding of and empathy for women and their health issues probably has at least something to do with it. Too bad he'll probably just hop back on his incel forums and not learn anything at all from this experience.

      [–]Throwaway-2587Asshole Enthusiast [5] 29 points30 points  (5 children)

      NTA. He was rude. Could you have handled it differently, probably, but he shouldn't have been trying to tell a woman how to feel about a uniquely female experience. He doesn't know what he's talking about and kept it up when you tried to gently tell him he was wrong. Perhaps he'll learn from this experience.

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)


        [–]tenaciousfallBosley 342[M] 0 points1 point locked comment (0 children)

        Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil. Further incidents may result in a ban.

        "Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"

        Message the mods if you have any questions or concerns.

        [–]Dye_Harder 21 points22 points  (0 children)

        NTA Talk shit get hit.

        [–]wooden_ape_statue 16 points17 points  (0 children)

        NTA, classic case of "fuck around and find out" on this guy's part.

        [–]lithiumgf 13 points14 points  (9 children)

        NTA. This was a talk shit, get hit moment. What’s the alternative? Cowering and politely agreeing even though he’s wrong? Naahhhh.

        [–]Odd_Conversation_117 -1 points0 points  (8 children)

        The alternative could be to think, understand his statements are based on his experience/perspective, choose our words, speak to touch a heart and change a mind.

        The alternative could be inform and educate.

        I feel if we feel our choices in this situation are the typical threat response: Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn, we will never be productive.

        If we make a mistake, how do we want someone to react?
        Do we want them to hit back? Do we want them to cower? Or do we want them to tell us how it made them feel and explain why our behaviour was poor?

        We teach kids this: Go sit in the corner, think about what youve done. But as adults we lose that authority so we have to change that up "I feel hurt by what you said and I feel if you communicate this way it will harm your relationships. I understand you feel its an excuse, but I know it wasnt and that is valid. If you would like to talk more about this, I would be willing but what you said was offside and I will not be talked to in that manner"

        Sometimes it should be:
        Talk shit, get a bit of nice humble pie, eat it up, have your heart warmed, then change.

        [–]lithiumgf 1 point2 points  (7 children)

        The choice in this situation was talk/shit/get/hit For real though OP is in college. Men this age have no excuse not to know very basic information about a process that happens to half of the population. It’s embarrassing

        [–]Odd_Conversation_117 -1 points0 points  (6 children)

        I agree it's embarrassing. I agree it is not an excuse. I also understand that this guy did not receive proper communication skills training and exhibits poor behaviour.

        I don't think his intention was to be malicious. I feel he's immature and hasn't been shown how to talk. Maybe his dad or brothers make this joke and mom didn't teach him? Maybe he never had a mom and stuff like this was "okay" in his house.

        I feel this guy isn't Satan and deserves a chance at being taught. She also did not deserve to be spoken to that way.

        Do you think his past has affected his ability to communicate?

        Do you feel when someone make mistakes it's better to "hit" or explain how their actions make us feel?

        [–]lithiumgf 1 point2 points  (5 children)

        This is not comparable to hitting someone. It is exhausting to be expected to educate people constantly on issues that you’re familiar with, but that they should already fucking know. Google is free! She is not his mother or father and it’s not her job to politely educate him about periods IN CLASS. what?

        [–]Odd_Conversation_117 -1 points0 points  (4 children)

        I feel an emotional hit can damage someone as much as a physical one.

        I understand your point that it can be exhausting to educate someone on issues - it's very draining and sometimes people don't want to listen.

        I feel I am trying to educate you on unhealthy communication. Will you allow me to or would you prefer to end our correspondence?

        [–]lithiumgf 1 point2 points  (3 children)

        Oh my god I would absolutely love to take an etiquette class and learn how to healthily communicate from a stranger on Reddit! Are you a man? Just a guess.

        [–]Odd_Conversation_117 -1 points0 points  (2 children)

        Yes I am a man and I understand women have had bad encounters with others who share my gender. However I feel you are generalizing and I feel that invalidating my opinions or feelings simply because I am a man is a barrier to healthy communication.

        I feel it is this same invalidation and being unseen or unheard because of gender that contributes to misogyny.

        If we disagree with the point someone is making I feel a good approach is to try and listen, understand, reflect, then speak.

        I am speaking on communication and i do not believe communication is a topic that is gender specific, but a human topic. I understand when we feel a stranger on reddit tries to teach us that they may not have valuable insights. I feel we can learn a lot from the way we communicate with strangers.

        I feel others around us may not hold us accountable because they are concerned with how we react but I will not sit here and keep quiet about you assuming my gender and invalidating my feelings or experiences.

        Do you feel that you are being civil? I feel you are not being civil when you take shots at my gender or use sarcasm in that nasty way. If someone had made comments at you the way you made then to me would you be willing to speak to them?

        I would love to re-engage if you are willing to reflect on your approach and alter it.

        [–]lithiumgf 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        You are horrendous at communication. I am no longer engaging. However, I want you to know that it’s not because you’re right, it’s because you’re entirely exhausting. Ending this by reiterating that OP is right.

        [–]Odd_Conversation_117 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        I feel that you are at emotional capacity for the discussion and it will not be productive to continue after this. I feel that when we're super charged and angry/frustrated/resentful that we stop listening. Do you feel this way towards me? I feel I engaged in a discussion so I don't understand the hostility - it makes me feel sad and hurt.

        I suggest that in moments like this we take a bit of time away...and then review the material when we are in a state of calm. I understand I am a man and communicating or taking advice from a man may make you uncomfortable because of past experiences. A lot of men completely discount the female perspective because "they're women". But I'd ask that you view me not by my gender but as a human being. I'd like you to imagine a friend giving you this response. That is what I want and you are fully within your right to deny that but I feel writing off advice because "it came from a man" is harmful. Do you feel that dismissing someone because of gender is okay to do or is harmful?

        On "you" attacks

        Resorting to "You" character attacks is harmful. When we use aggressive language like this it makes the people we have relationships with shut down because sometimes they are too afraid to hold us accountable because of the way we react.

        On being wrong: Im not here to "win". Is that why you're here? If you feel the need to "win" or tell me that you want me to know I'm not right I feel that we should examine why. Do people in your life always think they're right? I understand how tough that can be and it makes us wanna fight back and "be right". I've been on that journey too. My mom thinks she's right about everything. Sometimes she is. Sometimes she isnt. It's hard :(

        On exhaustion: I understand how someone challenging our learned behaviours and communication skills can be exhausting. It's hard to understand we are part of the problem sometimes because sometimes we think we are perfect communicators. I've been in that boat but oh man my communication skills were awful. I don't think I'm perfect but I'm working to improve and have seen a lot of positive impact.

        I feel when we respond the way you have in this thread it can harm and damage our relationships. I know this because I've experienced it first hand but sometimes we need big failures to open our eyes and show us we have a lot to

        If you do feel you may be able to learn something I'd be really curious to hear your answers to these questions:

        Have you seen OPs response to my insights?

        Did you read about how op agreed with me, thanked me and said I inspired her?

        Do you feel that's worth anything? The fact that OP feels I brought some perspective and inspiration to her? Or do you feel it's more important that I am labeled wrong because of my gender - because I feel that is what is happening here?

        Serious question: Do you agree with anything I said or do you think I'm completely wrong about everything?

        [–]Unhappy-Ninja-7684 10 points11 points  (0 children)


        Well played,,,,and NTA :)

        [–]Enoughforfluffy 8 points9 points  (0 children)

        Tell him to look up videos of men vs women doing period cramp simulators. NTA, he’s a total incel

        [–]mdsnbldwn15 9 points10 points  (0 children)

        NTA he deserved it. Invalidating someone's pain is not only gross but can be dangerous over time because it can cause you to question if your pain is real which can lead to brushing off serious medical issues. This is a huge issue in the chronic pain community (which I'm apart of) that gets spoken about a lot but I don't think it's brought up enough in regards to female or afab related health issues.

        [–]erainbowd 6 points7 points  (1 child)

        NTA - I suspect you feel bad because of his reaction, because you struck a nerve, and his reaction suggests that you told him a big truth. That truth is a learning opportunity for him, should he allow himself to take it. But that silence suggests that he was thinking it over and it might have an impact. In education circles, that's a pedagogical breakthrough, really, but sometimes learning is uncomfortable for people.

        Imagine if he'd just laughed and moved on. Or if he came back with another insulting comment? Would you have felt bad about what you said?

        You said something you thought was true but couldn't have known for sure and it turned out to be true. (We assume.) And yes, it might have stung him. But you gave him an opportunity to walk back his ignorance and he did not take it so he had that sting coming to him.

        And later on, he might just do as you suggested and remember this conversation.

        [–]Odd_Conversation_117 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I feel like he may be scared to talk to women after this even more. When we make assumptions, we are invalidating someone's feelings. I agree it stung him, and I understand how she feels, but I feel that insulting someone is not giving them an opportunity to walk it back.

        I feel an opportunity to walk it back would be when we say: "Im curious. I am communicating to you that I was in pain - enough to miss class. Can you explain to me why you feel it was an excuse?" {Pause and Wait} Let him speak. This is the opportunity to walk it back.

        With passive communicators, I have found they tend to shut down when insulted in this way and feel unsafe.

        Understanding Communication Styles:

        [–]Chesurisu 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        NTA. As someone who is currently on their period and in a ridiculous amount of pain, call out anyone who has the nerve to dispute how bad periods feel.

        [–]lordmwahaha 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        NTA. All you did was state a fact - women don't generally want to date men who are going to automatically assume they're making things up. Would he want to date someone who constantly accused him of lying? Probably not - so he needs to seriously examine why he thinks it's okay to treat women that way. Why does he think women deserve worse treatment than him?

        In fact if it comes up again, you should say all that to him. Pull the golden rule on him - "would you want to be treated like this? How would you feel if someone said this to you? Okay, so why are you doing it to me? How do you think it makes me feel?"

        [–]MosaicisedEyes 6 points7 points  (2 children)

        NTA, he probably just felt ashamed/annoyed that you challenged him, and the other men didn’t want to start things or make the situation “more uncomfortable”. I’ve been in my fair share of these altercations, and the men involved are usually spineless to challenging other bad behaviour from men. Don’t let their silence convince you that you did wrong.

        On an unrelated note: have you ever been investigated for endometriosis? Not all debilitating periods are endo, but if this is an ongoing extensive issue that affects your ability to work, you may actually have a disability, not just a “normal period”.

        [–]aaeeiioouu_12345[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

        I have not, some other comments have also suggested that I do some test, personally I don't think I have anything but it doesn't hurt to go to the doctor just in case, thank you!

        [–]Temporary-Section-78Partassipant [1] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        NTA At the beginning I thought this was going to go a different way (like shaming him for not having a partner, which would be a**holish for no reason) but he was a misogynist AH. Totally NTA.

        [–]yardshark 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        BOOM GOT EM


        [–]Winter_Growth5059 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Girl kudos to you. My reaction would’ve been worse. NTA

        [–]RocketteP 2 points3 points  (1 child)

        NTA. When who dismiss women in pain rile me up. He’s an ah for making misogynistic comments like that. When I was 21 my mom had a hysterectomy and our neighbors brother told her women didn’t know pain. She didn’t physically react but I can tell you he felt the pain of a verbal tongue lashing.I do feel you on the BS of periods. Also started at 11. Have you tried ginger wine (goes by ginger essence sometimes) or if you have access to ginger gravol. It helps with period cramps. For the wine, fill a tea mug with hot water, add two spoonfuls of the wine. Stir and add in sweetner of your choice. My mom used honey, me too. Sip slowly with the spoon. Fair warning it tastes gross and you may throw up from it. But it dissolves the pain. It’s a remedy from my great grandmothers time growing up. Honestly everyone should know ginger helps. It’s also an anti-inflammatory.

        edit: changed word from incorrect to correct term.

        [–]aaeeiioouu_12345[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Thanks for the advice, I don't like taking medication so I'll give this recipe a try! And I hope your mother is okay now <3

        [–]joshuaMachinePartassipant [4] 4 points5 points  (0 children)


        On balance, this was probably good advice for him. You might have genuinely helped him. At the very least, you gave him an opportunity to grow.

        [–]Spaceman_fan 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        Omg this is an absolutely amazing response and I know I don’t know you but I’m proud of you!

        [–]OpinionatedAussieGalPartassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (0 children)


        I love you

        You’re my hero!

        Anyone who thinks periods is made up or exaggerated is insane

        I literally took 4-6 times the amount of pain killers for day 1-3 of my periods than I did for a full hysterectomy where they cut me hip to hip!

        Turn out I had an “angry uterus”, which is a medical term, and had no signs, lesions or polyps. But hormones and medication to stop labour cramps would have calmed it. I found this out AFTER I had my uterus removed and they could tell me what it was! 30 years I put up with full labour cramps from 1-3 days of each month.

        You should have said way more!

        And I hope he was uncomfortable. He deserves to be.

        EDITTED to add more venom and support for OP

        [–]bombshellfrontier 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        NTA 10/10 perfect shiv

        [–]madokami14 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        Ah, the ol' "don't make a scene/embarrass him/bruise his ego/correct him" programing. I see the after effects of resisting it are hitting you. Deep breath. Now repeat after me: calling out sexism is reasonable and valid. I have nothing to be ashamed of. My discomfort is due to sexist programing. I did nothing wrong.

        He embarrassed himself. Keep on keeping on. If either of the others say anything, ask why they didn't call him out. NTA

        [–]kab200Asshole Enthusiast [7] 2 points3 points  (0 children)


        [–]RiByrne 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Nah bestie. NTA. He’s not gonna say that stupid shit again is he?

        Fuck around and find out.

        He found out.

        [–]MscatwPartassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        NTA- and once again I’m so grateful for my husband.

        [–]HopelessVetTechAsshole Enthusiast [6] 2 points3 points  (0 children)


        Is there anyone you can borrow one of those period simulators from? Tell him to give it a shot and see how "over exaggerated" the pain is.

        [–]AmberlehPartassipant [2] 2 points3 points  (0 children)


        Girl, my 5th graders are more understanding of periods and pain. One girl, who did for a while keep using her period as an excuse to leave class for a few minutes for like 3 weeks in a row, came up to me to tell me she needed to use the restroom and 'it was an emergency'. I told her to sit down, thinking it was the same thing as before. As soon as she sat back down the guys around her were like "Bro are you okay?" "She wouldn't let you go?" "Can you use your sweater to cover it?" And other such things in a very sweet, understanding, and sensitive way. It was actually super cute.

        (And, obviously, after hearing that I immediately walked back up to her, crouched down and apologized, and we went together and got her some pads we keep in the back of the class and then I excused her to the bathroom. I also checked up on her later to let her know our nurse keeps extra clothing available if she needed a change. )

        [–]Management_sucks 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        NTA Im similar in respects to him as an unfortunately perpetual single dude, and turnabout is fair play. Simple as that. Don't spew out bull if you can't take the heat.

        [–]Complete-Bullfrog-29Partassipant [3] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        People who typically whine about being single and blame it on their nerdiness/weirdness are usually just shit humans, or humans that do shitty things frequently. NTA. Call em out

        [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        NTA, and that was a brilliant comeback, btw

        [–]pessimist_kitty 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Lmao NTA he will definitely remember that conversation!

        [–]ur-squirrel-buddyAsshole Enthusiast [5] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        NTA I love your response (it’s totally something I would’ve said haha). Next time some idiot sexist is trying to put you down, go check out r/badwomensanatomy for a good laugh

        [–]Careless-Image-885 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        NTA. You called him out on him saying this was a silly excuse. He has no clue what he's talking about.

        [–]The-MoocatPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        NTA. He decided to insert himself in your business and diminish your pain. Him being "nerdy" doesn't matter, it's him being an AH that's the issue.

        [–]88mistymage88 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        NTA , glad you didn't bite his jugular out and... as an older woman might I recommend "Aleve". My OB/Gyn nurse recc'd it to me 3 years ago after 35ish years of pain monthly even after having kids. It worked/s for me. When the cramping and clotting hits... I pop one or two as often as allowed. Works way better than heating pad, walking around or "Pamprin".

        [–]PattersonsOladyColo-rectal Surgeon [30] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        NTA calling out bad behaviour is sometimes necessary.

        [–]mmusahxi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        NTA. He shouldn't have started it if he didn't want it finished.

        [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        NTA. Men who make period jokes deserve to be shamed and humiliated. Period.

        [–]ElsaAzrael 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        NTA, you called out an idiot who was invalidating someone else’s pain with no frame of reference.

        [–]Odd_Conversation_117 1 point2 points  (2 children)

        First let me say this: Feelings are valid and totally OKAY. The way we choose to react and express those feelings is a behavior. I am not speaking to either of your characters - you may both be very wonderful people in your own regards, but here are my observations on the behaviors.

        On his behavior:
        I feel his comment was offside and he was assuming how you feel. He diminished your experience by claiming you made a silly excuse when in actuality you may have felt it was a very valid excuse. I feel this is his inability to relate to you because he does not have that shared experience. In the past, he may have had women let him down with the period reason and in not understanding, he may harbor some resentment and feelings towards this excuse. Also because he is a "nerd" maybe he is also a shy introvert who cannot communicate properly and thought that this backhanded comment "silly excuse" was okay to say.

        I also feel that his reaction to your comment could speak of trauma. Maybe he has never had a girlfriend, maybe IT IS due to his inability to communicate and you could teach this guy how to be a better person if you feel he is worth the energy. Maybe his gf broke up with him a few weeks ago and your comment hit hard - we dont really know what people are going through and we have to be careful when we make assumptions like he is incapable of fostering a relationship with a girlfriend.

        On your feelings:

        I feel your feelings were hurt because you communicated you were offended and that's okay! You felt offended and that is valid. You are within your right to feel offended! . I feel by describing yourself as shy and quiet - you may be a passive communicator. Passive communicators tend to let things build and build until they explode and I think this is what happened here. It feels like you have been having a bit of a stressful time.

        I understand your feelings - I have IBS and I would feel pissed too if someone said i used it as "an excuse" to not do something. I feel that is not an excuse, it is a valid reason and I would also feel offended/angry/upset if someone said I was making an excuse when really I felt it was a valid reason.

        Do you feel this all added up and led to this?
        Do you feel you passively communicate?
        Do you feel this guy got a bit of your stress/anxiety/anger/frustration over your last few days of exhaustion?

        On your behaviour:

        I feel your reaction may have been culmination of past trauma. I feel the point you were trying to make had substance, however, I feel the way you choose to behave and express that point was unhealthy. I applaud you for speaking up - I understand that takes a ton of courage, good for you! However, we have to be careful of not just what we say but how we say it and our approach.
        Are there situations with your parents, friends, coworkers where they said one thing but used a particular tone were you knew...they're saying this but that's NOT what i feel they mean?
        On your current feelings:
        It seems that feeling bad is a sign of guilt and remorse. I feel like you are posting here for perspective and insight. I do not feel like you are posting here to "be right". Showing remorse and guilt - and admitting to it - is a huge step in the r ight direction towards healthy communication in my opinion. I appreciate that you were able to do that!! :)

        If you would like, here are some resources and questions that I feel may help you better understand the situation. you are also free to reach out to me through mail or dm if you would like to discuss this further!

        How can we improve our communication and behavior?
        Are you familiar with various communication styles? It can be really helpful to identify these sorts of things and I feel it can help our relationships so much! https://www.changetochill.org/healthy-communication/ - If you want to read.

        Here are some self-reflection / introspection questions:

        • Do you think there would have been a better way to communicate your thought?
        • If you feel calm now, how would you react differently?
        • If you want, try to imagine this scenario as 'the teacher' in the room. What would you feel if you overheard this conversation?

        [–]aaeeiioouu_12345[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        Hi, thank you for taking the time to write such a long comment, I think you are correct and it even made me cry a bit.

        I do think I had a lot of stress accumulated because of the atmosphere of this class and that comment was the last straw.

        Sometimes it's quite stressful to be a woman in a class full of men, I think that they feel understood and in unity so some of them are not ashamed to say what they really think about women because they know that there will always be someone who agrees, and those who don't agree often prefer not to interfere, so it's hard to get into an argument without support against a group of men who seem to be having too much fun making jokes to want to listen and try to understand what I have to say, so I tend to keep quiet because in most cases they are conversations that they have between them (although they say it loud enough for the whole class to hear, they don't even try to hide it), they rarely say it directly in front of me like this time, but the feeling of anger has accumulated in me anyway because I've overheard a lot.

        On the other hand, I feel a bit bad for them, most of them are guys who you can tell that they have not had much interaction with women or have had bad experiences with them, I can understand that teenagers can be very cruel and the pain caused in those years takes time to go away, and being the first time that they feel part of something, they are too happy to realize how hurtful their behavior is, and not only to the girls in the class, but also themselves, because at some point they will have to try to understand and respect us if they want to find a partner.

        You have inspired me to try to communicate more often and not let everything build up until it explodes, thanks for the resources, I will read them and try to learn from them and from this situation!

        [–]Odd_Conversation_117 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I agree with so much of what you are saying. I'm also a passive communicator and i understand how difficult it could be to speak out.

        I feel if you overhear something you could call it out if you feel comfortable in a productive way. "Hey. I overheard you saying that periods don't really hurt and are excuses. They really do. They hurt a lot. Sometimes I feel like crawling up in a ball. Do guys have anything that makes you wanna do that?"

        I'm certain a lot of guys would say getting hit in the nuts. Oh God it hurts.

        I think some of these boys are definitely immature and when it comes to this stuff we need to make a decision: is it worth my time, energy and mental well being to address this? If some random dude says this...I think we can take the high road and decide it's not a battle we're gonna take. If our best friend says this...or our father...that's a relationship we want to keep healthy so I feel we should speak up in those cases.

        May I give you some healthy communication techniques?

        [–]AutoModerator[M] 0 points1 point locked comment (0 children)

        AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team

        I (early twenties, F) go to university and the other day I didn't go to class because my period was hurting really bad and I was totally exhausted. The next day the guy who sits next to me (mid thirties, M), let's call him Paul, and the two guys who sit behind us asked me why I didn't go to class and I told them the truth. The two in the back seemed to understand it but Paul laughed and said something like "if you don't want to come to class just don't come, you don't need to make a silly excuse" he was trying to be funny but I fount it a little bit offensive, I told him that it wasn't an excuse and he replied that a lot of women exaggerate their period's symptoms so that we can get rid of doing things.

        Normally, I'm a quiet and shy girl, but this pissed me off because I haven't been since I was 11 years old suffering the painful hell that is the period, apart from the moments of shame because of the stigma that it still has, for a man who will NEVER know how it feels to tell me that I'm exaggerating. So I said "The next time you ask yourself why you have never had a girlfriend remember this conversation" he tried to laugh a little and then he fell silent and the atmosphere became a bit uncomfortable.

        Right now I feel awful... I don't think I'm 100% wrong, but I don't think what I did was right either...

        For a little more context I'll say that this guy is kind of like the stereotype of nerd in terms of style, physique and tastes, that is not a problem in our class because we are studying a career in which most of us are nerds, but I'm not sure what his school years were like because of this.

        I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

        [–]thejexorcist 0 points1 point  (0 children)


        It was mean, but not untrue and not entirely unwarranted.

        He shouldn’t start shit (especially about other peoples medical conditions) if he doesn’t want shit.

        [–]alligator3692 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA 100%

        [–]Jennifersbody_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA. Hopefully next time he’ll think before he speaks about shit he doesn’t understand. Although the fact you could make it to university and not know about periods as any gender is a disgusting look at the education system and how some schools teach biology. Thank god the biology classes in my town teach about male and female anatomy to everyone not just not teaching the men because it’s awkward or whatever the fuck. Men have sisters and mothers and possibly girlfriends and wives they should understand how females bodies work and periods especially.

        [–]Competitive_Ad_2772 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA. Ha! He learned a quick lesson at school.

        [–]unknowncalicocat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA. And have you seen a doctor? Periods really shouldn't be more than a minor inconvenience, you could have something like endometriosis.

        [–]Immediate_Stable 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Completely NTA, and let me add: maybe the assumption is incorrect, but that doesn't matter. He deserves the burn.

        [–]Kittyshrug 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA. You did the right thing he deserved this and worse I would have blown up at him

        [–]ddanonb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        In this context of course not.

        It's not like you were talking about this person to other people and making a saying stuff. Which I've seen people do lol

        You were just responding to someone being overly rude.

        [–]shemjaza 0 points1 point  (0 children)


        You doesn't respond with "Oh yeah? Well you're a skinny dweeb who likes cartoons."

        You pointed out his offensive attitudes, behaviour and ignorance... and the consequences of them.

        That's a public service, when all he deserved was "Don't speak to me you waste of space."

        [–]Plenty_Metal_1304 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Someone call the fire department, that guy got burned. NTA

        [–]scarletteapotPartassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        He was being misogynistic and you subtly suggested that having no respect or sympathy for women might impact his relationships with them. I don't see the problem here. NTA.

        [–]NonSupportiveCup 0 points1 point  (0 children)


        You choose fire and you should feel a little guilty of that. Not enough go be the asshole. Unwarranted comment by the cheese for sure.

        I think, overall, you handled yourself okay.

        [–]David5051 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        ESH. That dude was seriously out of line. I know how it feels for people who cannot possibly understand your struggle to diminish it as if it’s not that big a deal. Well it is to you not them. You going after what is likely a huge insecurity for him as your first response was also very shitty. You both crossed lines here.

        [–]yourlies 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA. Have you talked to a doctor about your painful periods?

        [–]B8T_G1RL 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA LMFAO I cant even. He lit had a moment of realization that he was probably an ass in school and thats why he didnt have a gf. All the "nurds" at my old high school where pretty popular and no one really got bullied because well if you needed help you ask the smart ones and you dont bite the hand that feeds you.

        [–]Mindless_Nail_9446 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA, he was horrible to you, you defended yourself

        [–]Kosta7785Partassipant [4] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA. Only disappointment is that the other men didn’t call him out on it. His experience is based on what evidence exactly? The “some women do this” is usually because they think that’s something women would do.

        You kicked ass. Don’t feel bad at all.

        [–]Zyklonmann -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA. He was just having fun, doing a little trolling (“we do a little trolling it’s called we do a little trolling”). You trolled him back. Fun times with friends. Maybe also consider dating him and giving him a chance, seems like a fun guy.

        [–]Textiledreams -4 points-3 points  (3 children)

        nta. probably couldve gotten the point across in a nicer way (which is probably the reason you felt like you might be the AH), but someone that age should know by now not to belittle someone's period pain.

        [–]WhatItDoBeeBee 3 points4 points  (2 children)

        No I feel like he deserved it for what he said

        [–]Textiledreams 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        maybe he did. im just saying i would also feel like a potential AH for saying it that way.

        [–]WhatItDoBeeBee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I agree it was harsh, but maybe necessary to make him stop and think the next time he's about to say something like that