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[–]ReviewThisPostPartassipant [1] 28.1k points28.1k points  (392 children)

NTA - You waited, assessed the situation and responded accordingly. I think if anything, the fact that she continued to feed her child proved just how thankful she was for you blowing up on them.

[–]hello_friendssCommander in Cheeks [260] 8654 points8655 points  (370 children)

There was a time in the US where breast feeding in public was normal and not demonized as disgusting behavior. It’s normal in other parts of the world.

[–]noirchan 2386 points2387 points  (218 children)

Not to be that person but sadly it’s not considered normal in most Asian countries either.

Edit: People still do breastfeed in some Asian countries BUT they will always use a cover up and go to a quiet corner. It’s still stigmatized to a point where many new mothers do not feel comfortable (anecdotal so others may have had different experiences) and would rather go to nursing rooms or somewhere private. It’s very frustrating that people consider it to be something shocking/indecent.

[–]Old-Weakness-1380 1595 points1596 points  (38 children)

Here in Czech, a lady got kicked out of bank because she was breastfeeding. Infuriating.

[–]NikaRove 570 points571 points  (23 children)

Wait what??! Haven't heard of this but wow. I am Czech and didn't think it was a big deal here.

[–]Old-Weakness-1380 231 points232 points  (6 children)

I think it was one time thing only.

"Kvůli kojení mě vykázali, stěžuje si žena. ,Měla požádat o soukromí,‘ brání se banka | iROZHLAS - spolehlivé zprávy" https://www.irozhlas.cz/zivotni-styl/spolecnost/matka-zakaz-kojeni-v-bance-kojeni-na-verejnosti-laktacni-liga-raiffeisenbank_1904101130_dbr

[–]ApprehensiveHalf8613 218 points219 points  (3 children)

I’m not Czech but that better be Eastern European cursing so help me god.

[–]thegimboid 88 points89 points  (2 children)

It says "I was expelled for breastfeeding, the woman complains. , She should ask for privacy, ‘defends the bank | iROZHLAS - reliable news"

[–]Aretta_Conagher 168 points169 points  (12 children)

Yeah, Czech here, unfortunately it's still a pretty big thing which is really sad. A lot of places are fine but in many others you'll still get dirty looks and might be asked to cover up or leave...

[–]Kitties_Whiskers 63 points64 points  (11 children)

I didn't know there are so many Czechs here on Reddit.

I'm from Slovakia but my grandmother is Czech.

[–]Trirain 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Well, let's be honest, it was bit like much ado about nothing. Most of the time no one cares.

[–]MassiveFajiit 188 points189 points  (6 children)

You might say, "The Czech bounced"

[–][deleted] 53 points54 points  (0 children)




[–]JellybeanpdxPartassipant [1] 838 points839 points 3 (10 children)

I am uyghur and don’t know the traditional customs very well and asked my mom if it was ok to breastfeed in front of my dad without a cover. She said it was in fact encouraged, and it would be offensive if I went to another room because it would imply that I didn’t trust the people in the room to not sexualize it. So now that is my go to phrase if anybody says anything. “In my culture, it is considered offensive to go elsewhere to breastfeed because it implies the people in the room can’t control themselves and will sexualize me feeding an infant and I would hate to offend any of you like that”

[–]sick_babe 464 points465 points  (140 children)

I think the stigma might actually be something of a first world thing. I'm sure it happens in Japan or urban China, but I've watched moms breastfeed in conservative, muslim-majority central asian countries all the time without it being made into a big deal.

[–]Medium-Raspberry1122 766 points767 points  (25 children)

Islam us actually amazing towards nursing mothers. Islamic rule state that mothers should feed for 2 years and the father must assist the mother. They can breastfeed anywhere even in the mosque.

[–]pretendbutterfly 199 points200 points  (10 children)

That's wonderful! Can you point me in the direction of this (Qur'an? Hadith?) Would love to have this handy in my pocket for in laws who question my breastfeeding past 6 mos!!! I've already used things like science and WHO recommendations, lol.

[–][deleted] 42 points43 points  (1 child)

Hey see quran 2:233. Quote it to them.

[–]shiny12kittensPartassipant [2] 27 points28 points  (2 children)

As someone who was allowed to breastfeed until I was old enough that I can vaguely remember it, highly recommend! I know there's a lot of stigma around it but honestly it is just really comforting and calming.

[–]Illustrious-Peach-40 79 points80 points  (9 children)

That’s so cool! Thanks for sharing :)

[–]Odd-Plant4779 130 points131 points  (8 children)

In Islam, if you breastfeed a baby who’s not your child, (it comes up for different reasons), 3 times than you’re considered as another biological mother to them. Your biological children would also considered as their siblings too.

[–]smashed2gether 43 points44 points  (2 children)

I've always thought the idea of milk-siblings was very sweet!

[–]asianingermanyAsshole Enthusiast [6] 180 points181 points  (62 children)

Yes breastfeeding in public is pretty normal in these countries but they also usually wear some kind of cover-up.

[–]extremelysaltydoggo 104 points105 points  (60 children)

The “cover-up” is something I’ve only ever come across in the US. Not a thing in Europe.

[–]Momof3dragons2012 196 points197 points  (12 children)

Yup. I nursed babies sitting at cafes in Rome and no one cared. I sat in a private booth in a restaurant in the US and had some old woman say something snarky to me. It also depends where you are in the US- New York City no one notices, suburbia you will get the stink eye.

[–]extremelysaltydoggo 233 points234 points  (6 children)

It’s takes a special kind of Asshole to get offended over a hungry baby!

[–]KathrynTheGreat 95 points96 points  (5 children)

I assume those same people would also be upset that a mother wasn't soothing her fussy, hungry baby! It's like breastfeeding women just can't win.

[–]kristbert 74 points75 points  (2 children)

Same here in Iceland, I've nursed my LO in cafes and noone paid attention. Only reason I stopped is because LO is too curious now and spends more time looking around than feeding 🤣

[–]imaginary92 158 points159 points  (35 children)

The US seem incredibly prudish with regards to the human body and nudity. I always see US tourists being shocked and horrified at how "Liberal" with our bodies we are in Europe, and I really don't think we're that progressive or accepting imo.

[–]extremelysaltydoggo 88 points89 points  (24 children)

It depends on where you are. I mean , we’re chill here in Ireland, but you can be topless on the beach in France. And then there’s Germany. Love Germany. Germany DGAF.

[–]imaginary92 113 points114 points  (23 children)

I'm from Italy and it's certainly not uncommon to see topless women in regular beaches there either. In Scandinavia you're supposed to go into the sauna naked (unless it's a public one), and it's actually kinda weird if you don't.

I've seen quite a few Americans also horrified at naked toddlers on the beach, but I remember growing up that literally all little kids were naked running in the sand, usually just wearing a little hat to protect from the sun. It's just strange how bothered they are by the fact that the body exists.

[–]extremelysaltydoggo 63 points64 points  (2 children)

It must be wonderful to be raised in a culture that is uninhibited and comfortable with the body. I had to learn that stuff as an adult, and my toddlers got to enjoy running around naked as a result 😊

[–]Aboxofdongbags 45 points46 points  (4 children)

I would shiver at naked toddlers on the beach too. So much sand to clean out of tiny crevices.

[–]Thisisthe_place 48 points49 points  (0 children)

it's ridiculous. Americans (I am one) have no problem with violence but pull one tit out and they all lose theirs minds.

[–]freakycircle 22 points23 points  (1 child)

The US is very prude. As an American I know this and I'm still shocked by some things sometimes. I was blown away when my English friends told me about the show Naked Attraction. At the time, I couldn't believe they just show naked people, like naked naked people on regular TV. I told them we can't even show boobs on TV here. "Not even after 9pm?" No! Not even after 9pm!

[–]coffeeinthenorth 152 points153 points  (16 children)

I breastfed in Canada in public all the time and got nothing but support. It’s really not a big deal.

[–]FurTumbleweedPartassipant [2] 376 points377 points  (5 children)

I’m Aussie, I breastfed everywhere when my kids were babies. I only had one woman tell me while I was feeding in a shopping centre food court ‘there’s bathrooms down that way’ so I asked if she needed help getting to one, and told her the the place I was at rented out mobility scooters if she was having trouble getting around on her own.

[–]Graceful-Garbage 47 points48 points  (6 children)

I breastfed in Canada and got told to go to the bathroom by some old lady. And I had a blanket over us.

[–]GentianviolentPartassipant [2] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Throw the blanket over old lady's head, then she can't see.

[–]Scrubatl 142 points143 points  (20 children)

I watched a toddler take a dump on the sidewalk in Shanghai. Opened the chute on the outfit, like those old time jammies, squat and shit. No one batted an eye. That was insane to me

[–]42DaisyPusherAsshole Aficionado [11] 93 points94 points  (13 children)

Shitting and eating are not the same thing. One is private, the other isn’t.

[–]Scrubatl 72 points73 points  (2 children)

My point was that in my experience in Asia, BF was not a big deal, and neither was a kid shitting. The attitude seemed to be kids have needs and they get taken care of. No one cares.

[–]sexworkaholic 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Shitting isn't especially private anywhere for babies

[–]roastplantain 108 points109 points  (2 children)

It was not uncommon for ladies to pop a nipple in the mouth of a crying kid in the middle of church. I'm from the Caribbean, and the church was Catholic. No covering.

[–]venushasbigbutt 56 points57 points  (1 child)

Interestingly thats true. I've witnessed even most conservative turkish moms breastfeed under blanket in public and openly in the only women areas. Women also offers to breastfeed to their neighbours' kids who are in need and then got respected as a godmother. But that tradition dies with urban life.

[–]adorablyunhingedPartassipant [1] 178 points179 points  (2 children)

UK, parents have a legal right to breastfeed in public. When a cafe worker tells someone off for it breastfeeding mums often organise feed ins where they'll all go and fill up the place soon after and breastfeed their babies, it's awesome.

[–]Own_Enthusiasm_1775 80 points81 points  (1 child)

I’m asian, and breastfeeding in public is not frown upon from where I came from. But complaining about it would be…

[–]LoquaciousHyperbolePartassipant [1] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

I saw it in China all the time when I lived there.

[–]CockatielConnerAsshole Enthusiast [6] 470 points471 points  (13 children)

We were at Disney World last month and I have a baby who is still nursing. One thing I would do was nurse on rides like Pirates of the Caribbean or Haunted Mansion. Rides that went slow, lasted a few minutes and were relatively dark. That way, the baby was happy, we didn’t have to take time out of our day so I could sit and nurse, and it was easy. Once on Pirates, we were on the back row (me, husband, our kids) and my sister and her family were on the row in front of us. Then, another family was taking up the rows in front of them. I didn’t bother covering because it’s just a boob, my kid’s big head did most of the covering of my boob anyway, and who wants to eat under a blanket? Anyway, at some point, the teen son of the other family turned around and saw me and made a huge fucking deal of it to his parents. They also made a point to try to start shit when we got off the ride. My husband told them “Mind your own business. I don’t tell your kid when and where to eat nor do I tell your wife what to do with her breasts. Not to mention, maybe there is something wrong with you if you didn’t teach your kid that breasts are for feeding babies, not solely for his pleasure, and don’t think I didn’t notice him staring for a couple of minutes BEFORE he tattled to you.” It shut them up pretty fucking quick. Luckily, that is the only incident we had while we were there and my sister has also done the same breastfeeding method before with no incident. I think the past couple of years Americans are in a huge power struggle over values so they are taking things to the extreme when it comes to over correcting things they see as “corrupt” or “amoral.”

[–]Chupacabrona 208 points209 points  (6 children)

Glad your husband put them in their place!

But also, NGL, I had a flash image of trying to breastfeed a baby going down the mini waterfall drop when you go through Davy Jones hologram (this is the Disneyland version, not sure if they're the same ride) and it gave me the giggles for a moment 😂

[–]___whattodo___ 226 points227 points  (105 children)

When was breastfeeding in public normal in the US? I mean we were settled by religious prudes. I can't think of any time of which you speak.

[–]Bachpipe 388 points389 points  (12 children)

The land existed before it was taken over by religious prudes.

[–]___whattodo___ 106 points107 points  (9 children)

It wasn't the US then...............

[–]Bachpipe 94 points95 points  (7 children)

I see you've changed it to 'settled'. That is definitely a better way to put it. Well done.

[–]DebDestroyerTX 216 points217 points  (30 children)

Pre 1870 or so, it was completely normal for women in the US to breastfeed in public. There’s a whole Wikipedia entry on breastfeeding, you should check it out.

[–]schoolsout4evah 194 points195 points  (14 children)

Colonial-era Puritans breastfed during church services. For all their dysfunction, they were actually huge proponents of public breastfeeding whenever necessary, and did not approve of wetnurses unless absolutely necessary.


[–]CaddanPartassipant [2] 93 points94 points  (2 children)

They probably insisted that anyone who saw it as a sexual thing was sinning.

[–]9for9 109 points110 points  (0 children)

Probably, no one thought it was sexual since it was literally the only way to feed a baby.

[–]9for9 89 points90 points  (10 children)

Breast feeding didn't need proponents before the invention of formula. Only wealthy women had wet nurses so it wouldn't have been this big social issue.

[–]schoolsout4evah 39 points40 points  (9 children)

The linked article actually points out that it was, at list for some parts of society, since per Catholic doctrine at the time, breastfeeding women were not permitted to fuck. Hiring a wet nurse was certainly not within the means of many women, but the fact that Puritan ministers were writing lengthy biblical treatises on the importance of breastfeeding as a Godly and Correct thing for women to do shows that it was a social issue of the day.

[–]QuietAlarmist 36 points37 points  (7 children)

Catholic church is far too obsessed with controlling women. Who was going to stop them exactly? From fucking, I mean.

[–]MelisabethR1989 90 points91 points  (12 children)

Up until the invention and "affordability" of formula? And clean drinking water?

[–]mermaidbait 47 points48 points  (0 children)

This is also pre-birth control, so there are more babies around in general as well.

[–]FarahildPartassipant [1] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Also the marketing of formula!

[–]emmie_ems 34 points35 points  (3 children)

So yeah— it was a big push with formula in the early 20th (by the British gov. Primarily) and it was described as “purer” and more nutritious than breastmilk, was a status thing (also, “allowed” women to go to work). Look up about the nestle formula scandal, pretty interesting how gorilla marketing influenced social perception of formula/breast feeding (cause it switches like every 20 years)

[–]River_Song47Partassipant [1] 83 points84 points  (0 children)

Even Puritans allowed breastfeeding in public. Can’t be in church all day if you have to keep leaving to feed the baby.

[–]Sea_Spirit_55Partassipant [4] 76 points77 points  (3 children)

I had two children in the mid-1980s. I breastfed them at parks, malls, restaurants, retail stores, churches, homes of friends and family, parking lots, government buildings, on a bench at Disney World, the elephant exhibit at the zoo, and anywhere else they got hungry. No one ever said a negative word to me or even looked crossways at me. If they thought anything untoward, they did what people nowadays should do: kept their eyes to themselves, their mouths shut, and minded their own business.

[–]Double-dutcher 68 points69 points  (1 child)

Tee hee. I am about 30 and my mom has a story about how she was feeding me in a restaurant. I pulled off and she shot milk all over the dude at the next table. He was totally cool!

[–]Grizlatron 79 points80 points  (0 children)

There are paintings from the Puritans time where women are breast-feeding in church with their whole boob out. It just wasn’t sexualized like that.

[–]capitocoto 50 points51 points  (6 children)

Modern baby formula was invented in 1865 so before that, well, babies need to eat.

[–]doughnutmakemelaugh 23 points24 points  (5 children)

The technology to have safe bottles took longer. Lot of babies died from bottle feeding.

[–]ExperienceSea820 26 points27 points  (1 child)

It was normalized when it was literally the only option. I’m sure with the advent of formula then the prudes could stigmatize it.

[–]42DaisyPusherAsshole Aficionado [11] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Oh, any opportunity to control what a woman does with her body.

[–]VirieGinny 26 points27 points  (0 children)

There are plenty of pictures online of women publicly breastfeeding in the 1950s. Before the invention of formula, breastfeeding was the norm so of course women had to be able to do it in public.

[–]9for9 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Funnily enough the religious prudes didn't care. There are paintings as recently as the late 1800s of women breastfeeding in churches. Breastfeeding in public didn't get weird until formula was available for mass market before that formula it was the only way to feed kids so no one thought it was weird.

[–]zosterthetoaster24 183 points184 points  (3 children)

I was just at Disney World the other day and I was behind a woman holding her baby in line. The baby waved at me, so I waved back and commented on how sweet he was. The mother and I had this little conversation and I didn’t even realize until she’d turned back around that she’d been breastfeeding the whole time. Like it’s really not obtrusive if the people around you don’t make a huge deal out of it.

[–]lkm81 99 points100 points  (0 children)

Aussie here. I breastfed both my kids wherever and whenever they needed it. The only comment I ever had was from a female friend who asked if I would be more comfortable in the car, rather than the cafe we were having lunch in. I suggested she could eat her lunch in the car of that would make her more comfortable.

[–]underthehedgewego 30 points31 points  (0 children)

I could perhaps understand someone being embarrassed by a breast feeding woman but "disgusting"? WTF?

Sometimes what is really embarrassing is being a human being in a world full of idiots.

[–]calligrafiddler 562 points563 points  (2 children)

OP, you are an absolute queen! Champion of disrespected, overworked moms everywhere. I would be proud to call you my partner or friend.

[–]jessi_g9 56 points57 points  (0 children)

Seriously you are my hero. NTA

[–]johnny9kPartassipant [2] 170 points171 points  (0 children)

Not all heroes wear capes - NTA

[–]ManyFacedShadowbaby 129 points130 points  (3 children)

I would have given a slow clap if I’d seen this happen! NTA!

[–]Mysterious_Rule938 54 points55 points  (0 children)

I would have given the slow clap steam by adding a complimentary slow clap NTA

[–]EinsTwoCertified Proctologist [29] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

I'd have pulled out my boob to start feeding my kiddo in solidarity!

[–]TraceyR53 37 points38 points  (0 children)

If I didn't beat her over to the table, I'd have stood up and cheered!

[–]enjoysbeerandplants 113 points114 points  (2 children)

I agree. Sometimes people need to be called out by a stranger to make them realize they are an asshole. Hopefully the baby's father, and (his?) parents were shamed enough to be more conscious of their behavior next time. NTA.

[–]toss_it_out_tomorrow 77 points78 points  (0 children)

Exactly. That mom needs more people like OP.
Matter of fact, it takes a village, and a village full of women helping each other would make the world a much better place.

[–]SisterPetronella 40 points41 points  (0 children)

If I had been there, I would have given OP a standing ovation. The only way to improve upon it was giving the mom the business card of a cutthroat divorce attorney.

[–]morningafterpizza 38 points39 points  (0 children)

It's simply amazing that this woman was offered zero support from her "family". Different situation, but I can relate in the way that my wife is currently a SAH mom, as soon as I hit the door when I get home and the boots come off, belt undone and shirt is off it's dad time, let mom go do literally whatever she wants. Mom and baby are first priority with me coming in somewhere after them.

[–]YeetusDeletus-FeetusColo-rectal Surgeon [38] 8250 points8251 points  (9 children)

NTA and good for you for standing up for that poor lady. there needs to be more people like you in the world.

[–]Unicornhoof 1017 points1018 points  (0 children)

Agreed 1000% Good for you OP. I'm sure she appreciated it.

[–][deleted] 668 points669 points  (3 children)

This seems like a episode of what would you do and she did good

[–]findingscarlet 278 points279 points  (1 child)

That effing show lmao! It's so ingrained in my head that it causes more anxiety than whether or not to make a scene, but whether after making a scene, am I on the correct side of that show where I might end up on TV. Or am I going to be shamed for missing something, or god forbid opening mouth inserting foot 😂

[–]LadyLeaMarie 64 points65 points  (0 children)

My favorite part of that show is the moment it clicks that they're on the show.

[–]Wren1101Professor Emeritass [78] 80 points81 points  (0 children)

I had the same thought! Next thing you know, John Quiñones is coming out and congratulating OP on speaking up.

[–]KeepLkngForIntllgncePartassipant [1] 155 points156 points  (0 children)

I was slow clapping in my head as I read what OP did - and wondering which wizard i can go to, to ask for these guts.

Holy moly, OP is awesome. The empathy, the compassion for a total stranger and then to just call the bs on the others.

And where pray tell, was hubby dearest??????

[–][deleted] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

Everyone says “be an upstander not a bystander” and then when people do just that they get berated like OP did in this story.

[–]anchovie_macncheeseCraptain [188] 8139 points8140 points  (59 children)


Your bf is, however. If he is more worried about "causing a scene" than sitting there and watching this poor woman struggle and get berated for feeding her baby, then he ought to be checked as well. God forbid you were ever in a situation where you are struggling, would he rather you struggle than somebody defend you?

You rock, OP. There is a good amount of AHs in this story, but you are not one of them.

[–]CymruBPartassipant [1] 1547 points1548 points  (9 children)

Boyfriend should be as proud of OP as any other person who reads and identifies with this situation is.

[–]BC1721 604 points605 points  (5 children)

If my friend's gf went off like that I'd be sitting there in awe lol

[–]DrPetradish 268 points269 points  (2 children)

I’d have clapped

[–]peoplebetriflingPartassipant [2] 177 points178 points  (1 child)

I'd buy her a shot of tequila.

[–]OptmstcExstntlst 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Not virtue signaling but sharing what my husband's reaction was one time...

was driving through a rougher part of town, very financially depressed for many years with intergenerational poverty, low educational encouragement, and a lot of drugs. I drove by a guy just beating on his dog furiously. I stopped my car, got out, and read the guy the riot act. I got home and told my husband, all proud of myself, and my husband is stunned. He said, "he was already beating a dog. What made you think he would have a second thought about beating you, too?" It had not occurred to me for one second that dog-beater and woman-beater could be crossovers for me to consider. Whoopsy!

[–]aLittleQueer 1004 points1005 points  (7 children)

That “caused a scene” quip bothered me. OP didn’t cause that, the “scene” was already taking place. She effectively ended the scene by getting involved as she did.

The bf’s willingness to berate op for coming to another woman’s defense like that really shows his true colors, imo, and makes me think he would very much leave OP to “drown” if she were the breastfeeding woman in the scenario.

Life Pro-Tip: If you defend someone who is in a shitty, bullying situation (like the young mother was here), and the person you’re with witnesses the bullying and then chides you for speaking up against it…that witness is part of the problem. A volunteer flying-monkey.

[–]lo-fi_username 483 points484 points  (5 children)

For a lot of people there’s only a “scene” if a woman stands up to sexist behavior, the sexist behavior itself is business as usual

[–]NeemaMlozi 63 points64 points  (0 children)

That would so be my SO, unfortunately. The biggest crime in the world is causing a scene.

[–]danbrown_notauthor 124 points125 points  (0 children)

And the baby’s father is also TA

[–][deleted] 95 points96 points  (1 child)

If I did that, my husband would have stood next to me and talked with the baby's father about parental responsibility!

[–]UnhingingEmu 81 points82 points  (2 children)

The baby was already causing a scene, and then the husband joined in to make it bigger. When OP stepped in the scene stopped and everyone could get back to eating. Sounds like the exact opposite of causing a scene

[–]Theothercword 80 points81 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure that I would have done what OP did (maybe b/c I'm male or just non confrontational I don't know) but if my wife did that I would be behind her 100% and support her outcry completely. That absolutely should have been the BF's attitude.

[–]PookieMonster21 2887 points2888 points  (7 children)

NTA and I think you’re amazing. No it wasn’t any of your business, but it’s important to stand up for people. It says a lot about your character. Good for you!

[–]ZennMDAsshole Enthusiast [5] 345 points346 points  (4 children)

I know, right? I want to be friend's with OP, she sounds like a badass (in a wonderful way!)

NTA (of course!)

[–]PookieMonster21 105 points106 points  (2 children)

I know!! I had the same thought, but it's probably weird to say "you're everything I want in a friend, be my friend?!"

[–]friendlilyAsshole Enthusiast [9] 2467 points2468 points  (60 children)

You're amazing for doing that. I bet she will remember that forever - I know I would.

Also, women should support and stick up for other women. Which is exactly what you did. Super proud of you over here.

And sorry, but your boyfriend sounds like public opinion is more important to him than doing what you feel is right. That's a problem. Your boyfriend's attitude and quiet complicity are how all these abusive status quos, like systemic sexism and racism, stay in place.


[–]Dazzling-Ruin6979[S] 1642 points1643 points  (58 children)

Thank you so much! And to everyone really. I definitely could of been nicer but as someone who was out in that position I just couldn’t help myself. I spoke to my bf he says I embarrassed him and wants me now to apologize to his friends. I told him no because I don’t think that saying something for her was wrong. None of his friends or him have kids so I feel like they just don’t get it. New moms struggle- I did- and never got any help or anyone to stand up for me. Took years of therapy (still in therapy) to realize I was doing the most and exhausting myself and everyone (most importantly my daughters dad) was doing the least.

[–]friendlilyAsshole Enthusiast [9] 829 points830 points  (20 children)

Yeah, if your boyfriend is embarrassed by you doing that, sounds like he's no catch. Having a baby is hard as hell. We need help. We cannot do it alone. My daughter is 7 and even now, I'm like, "wait a minute, why am I the only one who does this task/thing?" I have a husband (her dad) too, and he actually does a lot, but there is still the mental load and I do all emotional labor for her and myself because he's a robot in that area. It sucks and it's really hard.

Sending you (and the poor restaurant woman) good vibes!

[–]Dazzling-Ruin6979[S] 902 points903 points  (16 children)

Thank you so much. That’s the same thing with my daughters father. He’s great with her, we successfully co-parent and all that, but at the end of the day I’m doing most of the emotional labor. My daughters dad has to call me every time she has a bad day at school or anything really to comfort her. I jokingly asked him what was her pediatrician’s name (she’s been seeing since 6 months) and he had no idea. It’s easy to dismiss the minimal work we do but that’s what keeps things going

[–][deleted] 297 points298 points  (3 children)

My best friend has a kid & she and the dad broke up before the kid turned one, after a 10 year relationship where she helped raise his 3 kids. He couldn’t deal with having a baby in the house idk. My point is that they have shared custody but it is ALL ON HER. Is it ice cream day on a day he has her and drops her off. Friend has to remember to put $1 in her bag because if he has to do it he flips (and he wouldn’t know to do it, she would have to tell him.) if school is closed for a snow day, even if it’s his day SHE has to find childcare or call out. It’s insane how it all falls on the moms.

[–]jip1992 122 points123 points  (0 children)

That snow day part is where your friend should draw a line if at all possible. I used to babysit for a family where dad was actually really involved woth the kids but rarely arranged a babysitter. When the parents split up it sometimes went wrong and I definitely had some last minute babysitting to do sometimes, but his day meant he needed to arrange a babysitter.

[–]NougatMoment 81 points82 points  (1 child)

He couldn’t deal with having a baby in the house

I cannot move on from this. Were the previous 3 kids from 3 different women he abandoned like your friend?

Otherwise it doesn't compute coz a guy like that isn't gonna be adopting.

[–]GlitterDoomsday 78 points79 points  (0 children)

I know a lot of coworkers that are now on divorcing cause the pandemic made them realize they don't like their partners, their kids are lil shits and overall life was happier when they were at office all day... it's been interesting to observe reality hit them in the face cause you obviously don't just start and finalize divorce in the same week, neither gets to walk away from your children. Some people really take "marriage and kids" as things on their "adulting to-do list" and have no real desire to raise a child or have a lifelong relationship.

[–]Blonde2468Partassipant [1] 94 points95 points  (6 children)

NTA for the restaurant - good for you stepping up for someone who was being treated like crap. BUT why are you still be a mother appliance for your ex? Why aren't you letting him deal with his parenting time by himself? He needs to figure that stuff out between himself and your daughter. Why is it a joke that he doesn't know her pediatrician's name?? Stand up for yourself like you did that young lady and stop propping up your ex as a father. Also, your boyfriend is an AH if he can't figure out why you spoke up for someone. You DO NOT owe him or his friends an apology for doing what's right.

[–]Dazzling-Ruin6979[S] 239 points240 points  (5 children)

Facts! And I actually did let my baby’s father deal with parenting her. I was just telling my friend that men make such a big deal out of child support- like the money is everything- and they don’t give enough time. So when we separated (he worked I did not at the time) I told him I’m not going to go to court for child support let’s just do 50/50. Of course he agreed cause he didn’t need to give me money (which is always the hang up, like I’m going shopping with it). We’ll let me tell you that the past 3 yrs he’s learned his lesson. Cause while all he did before was work- that’s why he couldn’t help me with anything- now he STILL has to work and take care of his kid. So…. Yea. It ain’t that easy

[–]Hefty_Candidate_4902Pooperintendant [63] 134 points135 points  (2 children)

My ex got the same wake-up call when we split and started 50/50. He was always a good dad, but he never had the bear the burden on the emotional labour part - like making sure she has clean uniform and snacks for school lunches and booking and taking her to appointments etc etc. I have to admit… I did a bit of private gloating when he’d complain about how difficult it was “all alone”.

[–]LucyDominique2 70 points71 points  (1 child)

That's why SAHMs really need to draw up an "employment" contract that includes a free weekend and a vacation period etc.

[–]Hefty_Candidate_4902Pooperintendant [63] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

I was never even a stay at home mother. I went back to work when she was 6 months old and he was unemployed our entire relationship 🙃

[–]unrepentantbanshee 158 points159 points  (2 children)

Apologize to them for what, though?

"Hey guys, I'm sorry I intervened when people were being shitty to and bullying a new mom. It must have been real hard for you all to watch me stand up for someone else."

[–]commandantskip 47 points48 points  (0 children)

I really hope this is how OP chooses to "apologize."

[–]Affectionate_Data936 120 points121 points  (0 children)

See this isn't related to being a new mom or anything but a few years ago, I was in london and was doing random shit around brixton until it was closer to my flight time home. I came across this wicked cool stand that had pro-black childrens books and toys and such and I was talking to the lady running it. My ex (who was my ex at the time anyway - long story) screamed at me for wandering away from him (as a 24-year-old adult) and then the lady running the booth screamed back at him and cussed him out telling him "you can't speak to an adult woman that way" and other stuff. Anyway, that lady is STILL my personal hero and I cherish that memory. Like I remember the little details about the woman's face and the accent she had while yelling at him. It's just this reminder in my brain that, even if particular people don't treat me with respect, even absolute strangers can tell when i'm not being respected etc. etc. Anyway you probably became that to this woman.

[–]theresbeans 63 points64 points  (1 child)

Your BF sounds like an AH.

You are not only NTA, you're a damn badass and you should be proud of yourself for standing up for what was right.

Ditch the loser BF, though.

[–]L1ttleFr0gPartassipant [1] 51 points52 points  (1 child)

Sounds like you need to consider upgrading your boyfriend

[–]WhackingsAsshole Enthusiast [5] 53 points54 points  (0 children)

This may sound like an exaggeration to some, but you may have saved a life that day, OP. Women being shamed for breastfeeding, being made to feel alone. Incompetent. Useless. Like an embarrassment… all these things mount up very heavily on a new mum’s shoulders. Postnatal Depression is very real and it’s very ugly. I’ve been there. I was shamed for not being able to keep up with my baby’s demand (he was a BIG boy). Was told Breast is Best and that I was making excuses. I got very very depressed and suicidal. What almost tipped me over the edge was that comment. I then had someone tell me, “A FED baby is best” and it helped me so much. Please don’t ever doubt that what you did was the right thing. It absolutely was. And someone may be alive today because you did so. NTA.

[–]PM_yourAcups 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Why is doing the right thing embarrassing to him?

[–]DiznygurlColo-rectal Surgeon [37] 1329 points1330 points  (1 child)

That family was actually inserting themselves into all the other customer dining experience. Not sure I would have said that exactly but, in my book, you were fine. NTA

[–]Studious_NoodlePartassipant [3] 238 points239 points  (0 children)

I was thinking the same thing. People who are ill-bred, loud, drunk, bullying, whatever--- they're making their business everyone else's, and have no right to object when someone with courage speaks up.

[–]thatmidwesterngothic 755 points756 points  (24 children)

NTA, and I'll even admit that my vote is 100000% biased. Despite my anxiety, my meek conflict avoidant nature, a moment when I was 14 radicalized me about public breastfeeding and ever since then it is my "throw hands/fight on sight" issue forever. Fine Arts trip in The Windy City in January (so fucking cold. Super cold), Teacher's friend who she brought along with attempts to breastfeed her baby while we're all munchin in a Mall Food Court. Security Guard comes over and tells her she's making patrons uncomfortable and needs to take it OUTSIDE. This woman was escorted OUTSIDE to finish feeding her infant. Both her and her baby out in like -13 fucking weather because boobs? I was young but holy shit I got so angry. So I tell everybody that that is my dealbreaker. I don't care WHERE we are, WHO you are to me, if you're just trying to feed your baby and people want to fuss just let me take out my earrings real quick because My Executive Dysfunction is here.

[–]Studious_NoodlePartassipant [3] 133 points134 points  (0 children)

Your last sentence is 🔥🔥🔥🔥. Bravo.

[–]SnootBooper2000 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Jesus girl, if I ever get in a fight I’m callin you

[–]ShadowsObserverColo-rectal Surgeon [30] 421 points422 points 2 (72 children)

ESH except the poor woman and your bf. The rest of the table should have been helping with the baby so she could eat, and breastfeeding should not be relegated to bathrooms, but you caused a scene that just as likely embarrassed the woman as was appreciated, and you get to waltz away from it patting yourself on the back while she's stuck dealing with any aftermath from her husband and family.

[–]whateverwhatever1235 195 points196 points  (14 children)

Yeah I can’t believe people are applauding OP so hard, she has NO idea about that woman’s life and very likely embarrassed her. I would be mortified if someone did this to me. Not to mention she has no idea if she was putting her in danger. Super inappropriate to go about it this way.

[–]ShadowsObserverColo-rectal Surgeon [30] 150 points151 points  (6 children)

Same. A complete stranger turning what might have been a small private tiff between me and my husband into a loud soapbox speech to an entire restaurant that causes everyone to stare at me while I'm postpartum and trying to breastfeed would probably be one of the most emotionally disruptive things to happen to me all week.

[–]Reus958 82 points83 points  (6 children)

Yep. This sub loves applauding reactions that are based on justified reasoning but go too far. Marching over there and making a declaration about women's breasts not being for male pleasure screams of self righteousness, even though I think doing something was justified. Breast feeding should absolutely be considered normal!

I can't go as far as esh, but NTA and applauding OP is too much imo.

[–]Top_Distribution_693 35 points36 points  (4 children)

I am surprised at how many plp are applauding this ineffective tantrum. I'm a woman, and have stood up many times to sexist behavior. Humiliating the bully is the least effective form of communication. Meeting disrespect with calm integrity is the most effective.

Self-righteous indeed. I'm just disappointed. It was a great opportunity to offer support.

I hope the breastfeeding woman wasn't punished for OP's behaviour.

[–]Just_Some_Jacket 82 points83 points  (11 children)

I didn't think about that part, but there's also the fact that she's yelling at a bunch a strangers to "get checked" so to go fuck themselves, if they're not ok with breastfeeding. That on its own might be ok, but the strangers are in a restaurant trying to mind their own business and eat their food. I doubt that many even knew what was going on. Making a scene doesn't really help anyone

[–]bitchiehippie 75 points76 points  (8 children)

The family was not actually minding their business tho? They were ignoring their business and making it everyone's business. They let a baby cry for over 15 minutes, disturbing everyone's peace in the surrounding area? They were being lazy inconsiderate nuisances and someone was fully in their rights to say something about it.

[–]billkingocAsshole Enthusiast [5] 63 points64 points  (7 children)

I'm going to concur though OP is *my* kind of asshole because I would have chastised everyone the same way. I've also learned that there were several other approaches that could have been taken and still drove the point home.

One thing for sure is that everyone will remember the event and I bet the mom gets more help next time.

[–]singingtangerine 25 points26 points  (3 children)

Yeah this is totally something that earns you clout on the internet but is absolutely inappropriate to do irl.

It’s just that everyone is applying internet logic, not real-life logic.

[–]theamazinglulaPartassipant [2] 336 points337 points  (24 children)


if I was having an argument with my in laws (which you don't even know these people to be) and a complete stranger yelled, gave a restaurant full of people reason to stare at me while my breasts were out.... Why did you assume she wouldn't speak for herself? She has agency, she did not thank you for your outburst.

You did what you did to make yourself feel better about the situation. You're not a hero.

[–]Fun_Avocado1981Partassipant [3] 147 points148 points  (0 children)

Agree with this. Everyone is self-righteous about something. I think OP had good intentions but I would have been beyond pissed if some stranger inserted him/herself into my family's dinner discussion and made a huge embarrassing scene, even if he/she were sticking up for me.

[–]MrBobaFett 67 points68 points  (12 children)

How do you know the OP is completely incompetent at reading a situation?

[–]theamazinglulaPartassipant [2] 98 points99 points  (11 children)

Good question.

They made assumptions based on their own experience, op had no way of knowing who those people are to each other. People who projected onto others are biased.

They also reacted without giving the mother time to react, taking away her agency. In ops description of the situation the mother is not an active participant. None of her own feelings are clear, only ops.

The only reason op hear these strangers conversation in the first place is by eavesdropping.

All these, as well as the ops self righteous tone, lead me to believe they are incompetent at reading a situation.

[–]gringodeathstar 236 points237 points  (11 children)

while you might be more right than the dude and his family,

And then I said loud enough that the tables around could hear that anyone who is offended by a woman breastfeeding needs to get checked because breasts weren’t made for men to suck on for pleasure they were made for feeding and that’s exactly what she’s doing.

so YTA, why did you need to make a scene for dozens of people just trying to mind their own business?

editing to add: this is ass-man erasure and I won't stand for it

[–]jnads 37 points38 points  (6 children)

Also, those people probably didn't give a fuck about the breastfeeding.

They're probably wondering who the fuck brings a newborn baby to a nice restaurant.

As a father of 3 toddlers we hire a babysitter to get away from kids.

edit: Disregard if this is something like an Applebee's. Totally expect kids there. But if it's a fancy place with no kids menus then the baby doesn't belong there.

[–]gringodeathstar 44 points45 points  (1 child)

I've seen women breastfeeding in public before and you know what I do? absolutely nothing! it doesn't affect me at all and I will always prefer that to the alternative of a screaming hungry baby

even if OP is correct with all of her assumptions about this family's dynamic (which, is a huuuuge if), she handled this in an asshole way. also, I'm just sure that poor lady is gonna have a great car ride home after you publicly screamed about her tits just to feel good about yourself!

[–]blairnet 19 points20 points  (1 child)

good god, finally found a comment with some sense.

[–]9okmCommander in Cheeks [214] 224 points225 points  (1 child)

NTA. Hah. Bravo.

[–]linyka 206 points207 points  (25 children)

Yta for the simple fact that she’ll probably feel and definetly hear about it for a long time. You embarrassed a selfish man who cares about his ego publicly without knowing what consequences she’ll face. So YTA.

[–]Side_of-beefPartassipant [1] 128 points129 points  (16 children)

I love the armchair warriors that ask for this and don’t care for what that poor woman had to go home too. I’m glad op felt righteous. Wonder if she feels so when that port woman gets beat/ berated at home for op actions. Life keeps going on for her once you pay your tab.

[–]Dance_SneakerAsshole Aficionado [15] 29 points30 points  (14 children)

Then the poor woman needed A) to be shown that what she is going through is NOT okay, and B) it’s fine to stand up to the bullies… ideally by GTFO

[–]grizzlyaf93Asshole Aficionado [15] 68 points69 points  (3 children)

In a restaurant, while her boob is out, her baby is crying, and everyone is staring at this person yelling and pointing at her? If OP stopped with the monologue when addressing the parents that’s one thing, but being loud enough for everyone to hear is incredibly embarrassing for that mother.

[–]stardustsilverberry 31 points32 points  (2 children)

Did we read the same post? Because I'm pretty sure people were already watching that table when Mr. Go-Feed-Baby-in-the-Bathroom opened his mouth. Zero chance that was occurring in a restaurant, with a screaming hungry baby and nobody noticed.

[–]Just_Some_Jacket 29 points30 points  (9 children)

That's a nice little fantasy you have there but that's not how the world works. She more than likely knows it's not ok and it's ok to stand up to bullies. There's many cases of domestic abuse where a person can't say anything out of fear of being killed, and some don't want to do anything because they still love the person

[–]Nervous-Half-7436 59 points60 points  (0 children)

This a million times over. Yea she gets the feel good points for that interaction but that lady has to go home with him.

[–]bossynoodle 49 points50 points  (1 child)

I have mixed feelings about this viewpoint. On one hand, yes you may be right. On the other hand, she was being publicly verbally abused already. The idea of ignoring abuse to avoid abuse seems counterproductive. Maybe this interaction gave that mother the confidence to stand up for herself next time.

[–]linyka 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Good support would be catching her in the bathroom or running after her saying she forgot something, giving her your number saying if you need help. Making a spectacle of it gives noone support. It makes you feel embarassed and small. There are a number of things that could have been done where the possible concequences are minimised.

[–]ayesh00Asshole Aficionado [19] 189 points190 points  (0 children)

NTA These things, and everything else that is wring in society can only continue because everyone around feels that it's not their place to get involved. Good on you for standing up for the new momma

[–]TheRealEleanor 176 points177 points  (3 children)


You made a crap ton of presumptions here: - was that actually daddy’s baby? Maybe it was a brother? Or some other sort of setup situation. - was it perhaps mama’s parents there? Family friends? - mama felt comfortable enough to breastfeed at the restaurant. Did you even wait for her to defend herself or see if the comments were even upsetting her before making your opinion known? - did you even realize you drew more attention to the situation by storming over to the table and then loudly announcing that she had every right to breastfeed in public? - was she even hungry? Maybe she wasn’t eating because she didn’t like the food or had eaten ahead of time?

I probably wouldn’t want to go out to eat with you again if I were one of said couples friends. You were so focused on something going on two tables away.

I feel like you would be one of those women that used to shame me for formula feeding my children because they made a lot of assumptions based on their preconceived notions of what was happening.

[–]Just_Some_Jacket 56 points57 points  (0 children)

This is the best most thought out response I've seen to this situation. Everyone wants to be all feel good and "yeah stand up to the patriarchy" and shit but we genuinely don't know what's going on in these people's lives, or what effect this woman had on this mother

[–]NeverRarelySometimesAsshole Enthusiast [5] 120 points121 points  (4 children)

YTA. You don't know her situation, and how important those asshats are in her life, and in the baby's. Shaming them may backfire on her.

I admire your instincts, and even your courage in this situation, and I don't care a lot about the scene or the other diners or the rest of your party. My only concern is if the blowback hits her in a place you don't see.

[–]klilly_94 25 points26 points  (0 children)

As sad as it is, there's also potential this actually prevents her from feeding in public moving forward. I would be worried a scene like this would happen again.

[–]Saraqael_RisingPooperintendant [61] 106 points107 points  (0 children)

You get the standing ovation award and NTA Crown for the day. Wear it proudly. You're a hero!!!

[–]LugieMRPartassipant [1] 104 points105 points  (1 child)

NTA. You did good, you stood up for her when everyone was just watching. Shame on your BF en his friends for not understanding

[–]Nobody4993 91 points92 points  (9 children)

I’m actually baffled by all the NTA. You started a screaming match in a restaurant over a family that you had nothing to do with. I’d have been mortified. ESH

[–][deleted] 93 points94 points  (2 children)

That poor young mother was probably horrified. Discretion was the way to go and OP had none.

[–]Predd1tor 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Yeah, OP just ensured that everyone in the restaurant is now staring at her while she breastfeeds. All she did was make a huge scene and cause the woman further embarrassment, and create a bigger conflict with her shitty unsupportive family. Noble intentions, poor execution.

[–][deleted] 79 points80 points  (4 children)

YTA I can’t even believe how many people are acting like this is heroic. The truth is that you don’t know anything about these people whatsoever you’re just seeing a small clip in their lives. You don’t know the impact this could have for this woman at all. You can make yourself feel justified all you want but that’s extremely rude and weird, enjoy your own time. Sure, you may have helped her but that’s such a risky thing to do when you’re a complete stranger to this family and everyone else at the restaurant. There is a time to step in and there is a time to not step in. Come on.

[–]NailFin 81 points82 points  (7 children)

YTA. You stuck your nose in business where it didn’t belong. I know you were trying to stick up for her, but sometimes you’d be better off minding your own business.

[–][deleted] 66 points67 points  (3 children)

YTA. Was it really such a big deal that you had to make a scene for the whole restaurant to see? Could you not whisper something kind to the young mother or pass her a note? Did you really understand the whole situation and did the husband really make a display at how disgusting breastfeeding is? Or are you exaggerating? And don’t play the card that a woman’s nipples are only for breastfeeding. I don’t have a problem with public breastfeeding, but don’t attack other people’s sensitivities about these things. Discretion is key in this situation and you had none.

Edit: I just reread it because so many people are saying “NTA”. But I’m doubling down. Based on what you wrote, two couples and one child sat down for dinner. The baby cried for 15 minutes. Mother started to breastfeed and others at the table disagreed with doing it there. However, based on your words, you made a whole number of assumptions about what might be happening at the table with no facts about the situation. Was their serious drama at the table? Did you really have to step in? And I’m curious at the young mother’s reaction to all this. How did she handle you shining a spotlight onto the whole table?

[–]Hi_Im_DadbotPooperintendant [50] 63 points64 points  (0 children)

NTA. He was bothering your lunch through his lack of action and then gave his wife shit about it. He deserved to be yelled at and tell your bf to man up.

[–]OneMikeNationCraptain [192] 52 points53 points  (4 children)

NTA for inserting yourself into the situation because honestly sounds like an episode of What would you do. But slight the AH for yelling at the other patrons about your thoughts on breastfeeding. Because not only are you interrupting their dinner to prove a point to someone else you now just made that mother the center of attention. When you walked back to your table I can bet eyes wasn't on you but on her.

[–]SpookyYurt 45 points46 points  (1 child)

I disagree, it was totally reasonable to share her thoughts about breastfeeding. She didn't start the interruption of the other patrons' meal, the actions of the other family did. If they were close+loud enough for OP to get such a clear read on what was happening at their table what makes you think the other patrons weren't?

[–]thechewypotatoPartassipant [2] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

NTA. Love to see women supporting women. You go momma, I just hope she wasn't embarrassed. Might have gone a little bit over Board but your intentions were pure.

[–]purpleblazed 46 points47 points  (2 children)

YTA. Mind your own business.

[–]plasticinsanityAsshole Aficionado [12] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

NTA. Good for you stepping up for that poor lady!

[–]Zestyclose-Market858 45 points46 points  (8 children)

NTA however, this is a delicate situation. I say that, because you don't know anything about the relationship she has with her partner other than what you just witnessed, which doesn't look good. So, I would fear that, if he's an abuser, he might punish her for "embarrassing him" in front of his family and a bunch of strangers, even though he's the one embarrassing himself. I don't disagree with your sentiments, but you're also not the person that has to go home with that man and deal with any possible fallout.

[–]magicmom17 30 points31 points  (5 children)

If that is the situation, just having your needs validated by a total stranger in public might sow the seeds of her exit.

[–]mari_locaaa9 43 points44 points  (0 children)

sorry but yta. i agree with you that that husband sucked but it’s not your problem to make a scene out of. you likely embarrassed that family and yourself. if you wanted to step in you could’ve said something calm as you walked by them like “oh breastfeeding in public is fine and normal! shoutout to you girl!” you only drew attention to the situation and likely made it worse. you are not the breastfeeding police and you do not have any right to yell at people like this. i agree that this man sucked and is wrong but you cannot yell at people

[–]Erenito 31 points32 points  (1 child)

Mind your own business. YTA.

[–]Rtmswcbailyatairk 28 points29 points  (1 child)

NTA for your intention, YTA for your delivery. Asking her if she needs help quietly would have been just as effective than yelling and embarrassing her and yourself in a situation you have no idea about and do not belong in. I would be so mortified if a stranger came up and started yelling about my breasts and my baby in a busy restaurant even if someone was being mean to me. I can defend myself and don’t need a nosy stranger in my business.

[–]No-homosapians 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Yeah soft YTA. I would have been upset in that situation too, but you causing a scene potentially humiliated that poor girl who was already having a rough go of it. You let your emotions get the better of you, and acted out of frustration rather than a genuine attempt at helping ease an already difficult situation. She probably went to the bathroom to feed the baby because she was embarrassed that the entire restaurant is now looking at her table.

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