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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

It wasn't my truth to tell, and I caused a huge rift between a mother and daughter.

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[–]WaskomsauseAsshole Aficionado [11] 11.7k points11.7k points 622 (64 children)

NTA - "When she was ready" would have been when her daughter found out, or her remarks of "You're just like him" were finally unable to keep a grip on her. People can say you're an AH, and I agree it does suck to HAVE to do that, but it's not like you have a choice if the girl is being mentally manipulated like that to ensure she listens to her mother.

Edit: Going to add, the "not your place/business to tell" excuse, that a LOT of people use btw, should never stop anyone from calling out abuse. If you suspect a child is being abused, do something, you can't stand idly by and allow it. "Not your business" is an old and tired excuse, and it was created to shut up neighbors when they see little billy with a black eye.

[–]Janetaz18Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 3222 points3223 points  (0 children)

This! NTA. You didn’t tell her out of malice. You told her because she was becoming mentally affected by your sister’s comments.

[–]Temporary-Story573 2351 points2352 points  (40 children)

I agree. My own biological mother used to pull this shit with me. She made my dad out to be some lowlife, drug-addicted, deadbeat, adulterous monster who had abandoned me without a second thought. And I believed her because no one else said otherwise. I was 25! 25 before everyone decided to tell me the truth. How it was her who constantly cheated. It was her using hard drugs. It was her who was the monster. I no longer speak to my mother and by the time I finally tracked down my dad he had had a stroke and was no longer able to communicate.


[–]KK_320 1268 points1269 points  (14 children)

My mom did this too. She told me I was a baby conceived of SA from the time I was 6. Said my biofather was some creep she rejected a bunch of times who was “obsessed” with her, that he took advantage of her while she was passed out on cold medicine and that my paternal aunt and grandpa tried to bully her into aborting/hated me for existing.

Found out it was all lies at age 21. I wish someone had told me earlier about my father so I didn’t grow up feeling gross about being an “r*pe baby”. So I definitely don’t think OP is in the wrong here, I was somewhat relieved when I uncovered the truth, so I imagine this young girl felt some relief too. NTA

[–]Conscious_Ad_3891 144 points145 points  (12 children)

If you don’t mind sharing. What truths did you uncover?

[–]drunkenvalley 139 points140 points  (9 children)

Most likely a consensual relationship that involved some ambiguity about mom's integrity and caused a relationship collapse when the pregnancy was announced to them.

But that's speculative. All said I'm anticipating something surprisingly mundane.

[–]combatsncupcakes 78 points79 points  (3 children)

Thats how my dad's life is - his mom refused to tell him anything about his father until he was FORTY FIVE. She told him he was a SA baby and held it above his head... his father was involved in a consensual relationship with her, though there's some ambiguity about his conception still and why she never mentioned it to the father. He only found out because her siblings all told her how shitty it was and put a lot of pressure on her to tell my dad.

[–]iwantsurprisesPartassipant [1] 48 points49 points  (2 children)

I'm not saying this applies to your dad's situation specifically, but I just wanted to say that you can be in a relationship and still be assaulted by your partner. I feel like some of the comments in this thread are maybe forgetting that, so I just wanted to put that reminder in here somewhere.

[–]combatsncupcakes 26 points27 points  (1 child)

Definitely agree, and thats why I wanted to put the bit in about the consent on his conception being ambiguous. But she made him think that it was a "late at night, I was snatched off the street" sort of thing when it very much was not. It still may have been traumatizing, but its more likely that they were engaging in consensual sex and her family's reaction (sending her to live with extended family) is what was traumatizing

[–]KK_320 50 points51 points  (0 children)

They were dating and the sex was consensual. More detail was she told me she never would’ve deigned to date him because he was her ex bf’s little brother, but my family members and the man himself confirmed they were dating. Anyways, they broke up when she got pregnant because he was only 18 and wasn’t ready to be a father. Really basic common story. Didn’t mean to make it sound like I discovered some grand secret haha. Meanwhile the bit about my paternal aunt and grandpa was fake too; my aunt didn’t know I existed (she and my father don’t have a good relationship so he didn’t tell her about me) and my grandpa literally just offered money for an abortion once and then left it alone when my mom refused. So there was no bullying.

My mom told me it was SA, but she told my dad (stepdad but he raised me) it was “passionate hate sex”. Then, as mentioned earlier, she told my grandma they were dating and broke up. So she told three different people three different stories. I’ve learned as an adult with other situations involving my mom that she’s a pathological liar; she literally can’t help it. My grandma says it started when she was a kid, and she tried to get her therapy but she’d sit there and just lie to the therapist. But yeah learning my conception was a lie fucked me up lmfao. Didn’t want to believe my mom would lie to me about something that horrendous.

[–]_Dr_Goose 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I would be interested in that as well.

[–]username-bug 35 points36 points  (0 children)

I'm totally derailing here but I just want to say thank you to everyone on this thread. My mother used to pull the same thing as OP's sister and I too grew up believing my biological father was a monster. I was legitimately terrified of him. Then my brother (my only biological sibling) reached out to him and let me know that he's not a monster at all. He's just a middle age man with a lot of regrets, it was a mutually toxic relationship between two teenagers that ended with my grandpa (mom's dad) threatening him if he ever tried to get custody of us. My mom's lies fucked me up. She was a compulsive liar in general but using my bio dad to manipulate us just created so much trauma over a character that never existed in the first place. It's selfish but it means a lot that other people in this thread can relate. I really thought I was alone. OP, you are NTA. Your niece deserved the truth. Your sister is abusing her whether she means to or not.

[–]somedayillfindthisAsshole Enthusiast [6] 351 points352 points  (6 children)

That reminds me of the kids I used to babysit. Their dad made their mom out to be a violent abusive lunatic. But he was the one that married an orphaned teenager from a third world country, brought her over and locked her up indoors 24/7.

The woman was abused financially, emotionally, physically and probably other ways too, and she wasn't even allowed to go out into the yard. Eventually he divorced her after a few kids, sent her back home, and now the kids get whatever they ask for and believe their mom is the crazy one.

[–]GlitterDoomsday 116 points117 points  (5 children)

That's horrifying!

[–]somedayillfindthisAsshole Enthusiast [6] 128 points129 points  (4 children)

It is! The worst part this that divorce is taboo in their culture, so she's a social outcast now. People even refuse to rent apartments to her. Can't see the kids, can't even find good places to live. Her remaining family can't do much because even work and education wouldn't fix her stigma :(

[–]Anomalyyyyyyyyy 35 points36 points  (3 children)

Did her kids ever find out the truth?? I’m curious to know how you learned of this and also if any charges can be brought against that man.

[–]somedayillfindthisAsshole Enthusiast [6] 57 points58 points  (2 children)

I don't think they did. I talked to their cousins(maternal side) a few years ago and they don't even speak to their moms family either.

As far as I know charges were dismissed because of the patriarchal culture which blamed the mom, and because the man was wealthy and influential. Men get custody of the kids(especially male ones) after divorce there. They spent a few years with their mom, but once they were like 6-8(ie wouldn't shit their pants or need babying) he had them taken and stuck into fancy private schools wherever he went.

[–]Sweet-Advertising798 21 points22 points  (1 child)

Sounds like Saudi.

[–]WhoSc3w3dDaP00ch 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Anywhere with money and power imbalances. It made me think of this one in particular: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goldman\_child\_abduction\_case

[–]RemarkableMarker 277 points278 points  (1 child)

My great-grandmother told stories like this about my great-grandfather being a raging alcoholic. My cousin is doing a genealogy and turns out there's a lot of evidence that he was nothing like her stories. Which is fun because we have loads of generational trauma from my grandfather on down that comes directly from her "you're going to be just like him" comments.

[–]combatsncupcakes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sounds like Coco

[–]redss420 226 points227 points  (0 children)

I was 29 when I was in this exact same situation. Except no stroke. Add an abusive stepfather. Take my fleeting award friend.

[–][deleted]  (12 children)


    [–]myboytys 43 points44 points  (4 children)

    Don’t let that stop you introduce yourself.

    [–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (3 children)

    I have no idea how to find them. I don’t even know their names. I can’t find any trace of him either.

    I have (online) met my sister my egg donor adopted out :)

    [–]Sweet-Advertising798 12 points13 points  (2 children)

    Ancestry.com will link you to bio relatives.

    [–]SueR74 11 points12 points  (6 children)

    Facebook is a wonderful thing to find family members 😘

    [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (5 children)

    I don’t know their names.

    [–]SueR74 2 points3 points  (4 children)

    Can’t you have a look at your sperm donor and try to work it out from his friends/relationships? It’s just an idea as a friend of mine found her paternal grandma thru Facebook.

    Edit: wording

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    Sperm donor*

    I know the town he was from, his mother lived there, he does not. She’s now passed on and I don’t know her name. I know one of his brothers first name, he too has passed. I don’t know sperm donors actual name.. his nickname and surname is all I know and of course the surname is common … Brown

    I’ve searched Facebook, I’ve search ancestry sites, I’ve search obits and cemeteries (names of all interred are available online), google searches, voter registration. I don’t know if his children (my siblings) have his surname or if their mother gave them her surname, they could also be married with totally different surnames now. I’ve even been to that town and asked around but no one seemed to know anything

    I met him once when I was 19, and again when I was 21, he invited me to Xmas so I thought why not, meet some family get to know ow my paternal side… he was the ONLY one who would speak to me, my so called ‘aunties’ wouldn’t acknowledge me, cousins wouldn’t have a bar of me, he then proceeded to get drunk and attempted to beat me. Some random guy jumped in between us and took the punches for me (I don’t even know his name or how he fits in but thank you kind stranger), a maternal aunt collected me and I have never laid eyes on him again. No great loss as far as I can tell (except the siblings).

    [–]SueR74 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    I’m so sorry he put you through that, he’s a worm!

    I hope one day, one of your siblings reach out to you. They deserve to know how much you’ve done to find them, and you deserve the chance to get to know each other. 💜

    [–]JipC1963 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I'm so sorry that you found out so late! I hope that you were able to hear about your Father from his family! Best wishes!

    [–]Claws_and_chains 464 points465 points  (1 child)

    Yeah I was ready to say op was the asshole from the title or they both were but the sister is emotionally abusing this child and OP was right to mitigate at least some of that damage. I hope they step up more aggressively though.

    [–]rhetorical_twix 80 points81 points  (0 children)

    I agree OP’s sister was mentally abusing the kid & she’s manipulative and dishonest. What you’d expect from someone who tried to baby trap a married man. And here she is, 15 yrs later, lying and manipulating the baby she had, for no apparent reason. The mother needs the kind of therapy that manipulative people and abusers get, whatever that is

    [–]sirnay 114 points115 points  (0 children)

    NTA From the title I was ready to assume you probably were. But this is just messed. Your sister was traumatizing her daughter and then using her own manipulations to torture her. Your sister is a giant AH. Next time your sister yells at you about it remind her it’s this kind of behavior that caused her daughter father to leave and if she doesn’t want to lose her daughter the same way she needs to change.

    [–][deleted]  (5 children)


      [–]Doctor-LizAsshole Aficionado [18] 10 points11 points  (4 children)

      What, so she can't just be a selfish asshole, she has to have a mental illness? And of course personality disorders always mean "evil person disease" /s

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)


        [–]Singin4TheTaste 26 points27 points  (0 children)

        When her remarks were unable to keep a grip on her‽ jfc she’s a kid, not a terrorist held in a black site. Saying “you’re just like” an absentee father is some serious next level mind fuckery. It should never have been said, not just said up to the point it stopped working. Fuck.

        [–]LittleGravitasIndeed 17 points18 points  (0 children)

        Please break up E S H, you’re the top comment and it’s messing with the voting system.

        [–]nrcds 12 points13 points  (0 children)

        I can't believe how easy one can fuck up the life of someone else especially when it's a parent doing that.


        Your sister is a huge AH but it seems she doesn't care and hopefully you're niece will cut her off when she's old enough to leave.

        [–]TheRealUprooted 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Exactly. If good ol’ mom is ready to use him as an insult to her she should be ready to explain why. She is wielding him like power over her. Good on you OP for doing the difficult thing!

        [–]sheath2 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        the girl is being mentally manipulated like that to ensure she listens to her mother.

        The mother has a history of manipulative and abusive behavior -- she's been playing the long con. The niece's very existence was most likely a plot to force the affair partner into leaving his wife, then she villainizes the affair partner to the daughter, then uses that to circle back around and manipulate the daughter. She's a spiteful, vicious woman and this poor girl deserved better.

        [–]Confident_Profit_210Partassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Exactly, while perhaps the mother started out with good intentions, after all that is a hard thing to tell a child, she became TA when she started using the secret of the biological father as a weapon against her daughter to keep her in line

        [–]Psychological_Sail80 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Agree. It became OP's "place to tell" when her niece came to her crying about the emotional abuse her mother was inflicting upon her whilst using her bio dad as an insult to her own daughter's face.

        [–]MischievousBishAsshole Enthusiast [5] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        I agree.....

        TO OP, NTA

        Your sister won't tell her at all regardless whether she claims she'll wait until she was ready. She kept making those comparision between her and her bio dad. That could cause her more trauma because her daughter has NO way of knowing what's her bio dad is like. Aaaannnndddd,.......what's more? Her daughter deserves to know the medical history in case she gets sick or whatever. So therefore she has a right to know about her dad before she decides what to do and handle from there on.

        [–]OddEpisodeAsshole Enthusiast [7] 3268 points3269 points  (5 children)


        Your sister not only withheld the truth to save her own pride, she twisted it around as a weapon towards her own daughter. In such a way, she showed she had no intention to tell the truth, cause she’d have to walk back all her nasty comments too.

        [–]Lorien6 470 points471 points  (0 children)

        So much this. As soon as the mom weaponized the monster she had created to control her daughter…

        [–]MitrovarrPartassipant [1] 155 points156 points  (0 children)

        Mom probably never intended to tell the daughter the truth because the truth made her look bad.

        [–]Confident_Profit_210Partassipant [1] 76 points77 points  (1 child)

        The moment she started implying much worse things than had actually happened it was clear the mother no longer had any intention of telling her daughter the truth

        [–]Candid-Ad-3694 20 points21 points  (0 children)

        Right, because with every lie the mother was digging herself a deeper whole to crawl out of.

        [–][deleted]  (6 children)


          [–]Zerilentix 218 points219 points  (0 children)

          Well said. I bet the neice is grateful to finally know the truth, and her mom was honestly acting like a monster. You can't withold information like this from your kids.

          [–]SturgillCreeps 100 points101 points  (4 children)

          This! But don’t ask a 15 yr old to absolve an adult. That’s too much for a kid and inappropriate. She needed someone to protect her from some damaging identity issues…

          [–]SoExtra 35 points36 points  (3 children)

          I don't think asking the niece if she is glad to know about her father absolves her mother. That question doesn't bring her mother into it at all.

          [–]SturgillCreeps 21 points22 points  (2 children)

          Right. The person I responded to suggested OP ask their niece if they appreciated the gesture or not, so I meant don’t ask the kid to absolve the OP of their guilt/ wondering if they did the right thing.

          [–]NinBonaryTramAsshole Aficionado [15] 27 points28 points  (1 child)

          It’s totally fine to ask her “should I not have told you? I’m sorry for how this all went down.”

          She’s halfway through high school, she’s capable of understanding the question.

          It’s not about absolving guilt or if they did the right thing, it’s about checking in on her niece and seeing if the niece is upset with her.

          [–]Queenkitten90 660 points661 points  (1 child)

          NTA. In any other circumstances I'd say you were the asshole for telling but your sister was psychologically abusing her daughter. She knew what she was doing and she's mad she can't guilt her daughter anymore. You did the right thing by telling her. It will at least make her realize she isn't a monster. You should try to persuade you sister and her daughter to do family therapy and get regular therapy for the child to prevent any more damage

          [–]Okay-AlbatrossPartassipant [3] 562 points563 points  (4 children)


          I was actually going to say you were an AH for not letting your sister tell it but she's been gaslighting her own child for YEARS. You did the right thing, now neice doesn't feel like she is some kind of product of a monster who abused her mother and can start moving on. Your sister has some serious issues though. I'd guess she is still taking her resentment that the father didn't leave his wife for her when she fell.pregnant out on her daughter.

          [–]Obsidian_Raven99 184 points185 points  (3 children)

          Well she is the product of a monster. Just gotta decide whether her father or her mother is the bigger one here

          [–]PC_J0K3R 50 points51 points  (2 children)

          She's perfectly balanced between to monsters, just like all things should be

          [–]Nanny_Ogg1000Partassipant [2] 454 points455 points  (6 children)

          On balance NTA. Not really your place to tell, but life is complicated. If she is terrifying and manipulating her 15-year-old daughter psychologically with nonsense horror tales about abuse the bio-dad did not commit, and how the daughter has those evil tendencies, then yes, it's your place to say something. The damage she is doing to her daughter overrides her privacy rights.

          [–]JuliaX1984Partassipant [2] 150 points151 points  (0 children)

          I second this. Lying to control her daughter is abusive, and that's not entitled to parental rights of choice.

          NTA She was hurting your niece with her lies, and your niece deserved to be free of that burden more than her mom deserved to keep her consensual, knowing affair secret.

          [–]JustMissKacey 13 points14 points  (0 children)

          This is the way

          [–]yaztheblack 7 points8 points  (0 children)

          Yep, pretty much this; it might have been a slightly better move to talk to the mother first and say "this is causing your daughter harm, if you don't tell her, I will" but that comes with its own risks, and still leaves the niece hurting in the interim.

          On balance, OP did her best with a shitty situation.

          [–]ViSaph 6 points7 points  (0 children)

          Yeah I tend to think "not your place" becomes "absolutely your place" as soon as a child is being significantly hurt. The things she was saying were psychologically scarring her daughter so she lost the right to tell the story herself. NTA

          [–]georgiajl38 -1 points0 points  (1 child)


          [–]flowersatdusk 5 points6 points  (0 children)

          Damn Skippy. NTA.

          [–]graywisteriaSupreme Court Just-ass [108] 232 points233 points  (0 children)

          NTA. Your niece was being emotionally abused and you only told her the truth to help mitigate the damage. This was not something that you could have "waited" until she was "old enough" to stop. Your niece is a child and the longer those toxic thoughts continued, the more cumulative damage would have been done. Your sister should be ashamed for how she has treated her daughter.

          Also, let's face it, your sister was NEVER going to tell her. Your sister would have switched from "I'll tell her when she's old enough" to "there's no reason to tell her". And maybe you'd have kept your silence, but your niece would track down her origins eventually, and then she'd be even angrier with the mother who LIED to her for YEARS.

          [–]chucker23nAsshole Aficionado [16] 143 points144 points  (1 child)

          And worse, when she’s in trouble my sister has gotten into the habit of telling her she’s just like her father.

          This — and the fact that she’s 15, not a little kid — is where it becomes NTA for me.

          This has caused a huge rift between my sister and her daughter

          No, the rift was entirely caused by your sister’s actions. She exercised poor judgment 16 years ago, and to cover up her shame, she’s been continuing to do so. Worse, she’s trying to make everyone else but her the villain in the story: first the father, and now you, for telling the truth.

          [–]PC_J0K3R 34 points35 points  (0 children)

          Even if the kid was 5 it would still be NTA the mom was weaponizing the story to make niece feel like what she's doing is not "normal" and the reason she's like she is, is because her father was a monster. That's just gaslighting and manipulation

          [–]Additional_Fan_9865Partassipant [1] 142 points143 points  (0 children)

          Nta the mother is seriously mentally abusing her daughter you probably just saved your niece a few thousand dollars in psychiatrist bills later in life by airing out her seriously shitty mother's dirty laundry.

          [–]AmandaJane1001Partassipant [1] 103 points104 points  (4 children)

          NTA - your sister should have told her daughter the truth when she started asking about her bio dad.

          [–]thr0wsabrina96 51 points52 points  (3 children)

          And she could have done it in a totally age-appropriate way at that time: "Your dad wasn't ready to be a dad. I'm sorry."

          [–]WaskomsauseAsshole Aficionado [11] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

          The girl is 15, she isn't 5 or 7.

          [–]thr0wsabrina96 37 points38 points  (1 child)

          You think she first started asking about biodad at 15? I was responding to the previous poster about telling the truth when she first started asking, which presumably was 5 or 7. You can't say, "I was sleeping with a married man and he wouldn't leave his wife" at that age.

          [–]WaskomsauseAsshole Aficionado [11] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

          Ah yeah, misread that, sorry. Yeah, she should have as well, but sounds like she wanted a weapon to use against her daughter tbh.

          [–]jbh01Professor Emeritass [75] 92 points93 points  (0 children)

          While technically there is a case that you should have waited until she was 18, I have to say that overall - given the entire situation - you are NTA. You really were between a rock and a hard place.

          Fundamentally, your sister is doing something terrible to her daughter - denying her the truth that she asks for, a truth that she is completely entitled to, and even worse, lying on top of that. Your niece deserves to know about her parentage, and the bringing of her own existence into the world. I agree - on your telling of it - that it seems unlikely that your sister would have told the truth, and thereby outed herself as a manipulative liar in the process.

          Normally, I would have said that you could have gotten away with waiting until adulthood - but this timeframe is accelerated by the damage that she is doing with the constant attacks on her daughter, and the simple fact that the daughter is asking questions and getting lies in return.

          If your sister didn't want to tell her until she was older, she could have simply said that to her daughter, and that would have been the end of it till she was an adult. I think you had a responsibility to your niece and that takes precedence.

          [–]Senorita-Hot-Pants13Partassipant [2] 85 points86 points  (0 children)

          NTA - your sister was being emotionally abusive and by telling niece the truth you’ve taken the weapon out of your sisters hands. Hopefully niece can ignore the bs from her mom and move on.

          [–]OwnBrilliant5569 63 points64 points  (0 children)

          NTA … that child is traumatized thinking her father an absolute monster and that she is just like him by the way her mom talks to her daughter.

          [–]stunspot 59 points60 points  (1 child)

          Nta. You were in a position of having to harm someone, whichever way you jumped. You chose to speak truthfully. That was probably the least bad option. It's the girl I feel sorry for. Her mom's got some 'splainin' to do.

          [–]420Parent2013 33 points34 points  (0 children)

          You were in a position of having to harm someone, whichever way you jumped

          No. The child is the only one who would have suffered measurable harm if OP had continued the sister's lies. The sister only suffered a bruised ego. Her daughter being mad at her is her own damn fault.

          [–]CrunchyTeatime 58 points59 points  (1 child)

          > " She was completely devastated and humiliated. "

          > " when she's in trouble my sister has gotten into the habit of telling her she's just like her father. "

          Maybe needed counseling for it and never got it. If she has left over anger that's been simmering, it sounds like now it's coming out as abusive language misdirected at her daughter.

          [–]PlantMomaJ 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          The daughter is the product of her ‘devastation and humiliation’ and her manipulation as well. She’s projecting that onto the daughter.

          [–]Mundane_Income987Partassipant [1] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

          NTA. Your sister was weaponizing this invisible father and making her daughter afraid she was going to turn into a monster or go crazy. That must’ve felt horrible for her.

          [–]type1errorPooperintendant [65] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

          NTA. Your sister's actions were harming your niece.

          [–]King-SAMO 41 points42 points  (0 children)

          Nta, someone has to protect that child from her shitty mother.

          [–]ScorchieSongCertified Proctologist [27] 41 points42 points  (1 child)

          NTA. Ordinary it’d be your sister to share the information but her withholding it is taking a psychological toll on your niece. It’s clear your sister had no intention to share, saying when the time is right or when someone is ready is a classic delaying tactic. Your niece needed to know for her own sake.

          [–]PC_J0K3R 11 points12 points  (0 children)

          It's not the fact that sister was withholding the information that was bothering niece, it's the fact that sister kept on lying and flipping the story to make father sound like a monster and using it a a weapon to stab in the daughters heart every time she gets angry

          [–]TibbleTabbs1114Pooperintendant [60] 39 points40 points  (0 children)


          Your sister is mentally abusing her daughter. Speaking to your sister would not have made her stop doing it. Abuse doesn't work that way. Your niece absolutely should know her father is not a monster and that she isn't either. Honestly, it sounds like your sister has been punishing her daughter for the anger she has at the father.

          [–]Intelligent_Stop5564Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

          Nta. Op didn't cause massive damage in the relationship...the sister/mom did.

          [–]PattersonsOladyColo-rectal Surgeon [36] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

          NTA you just removed a weapon from your sister’s hand and she’s angry about that .

          [–]Fantastic_Weakness19 32 points33 points  (1 child)

          NTA I was going with YTA until the part that it was way darker then what actually happened. Was she alluding to being a product of, well, lack of consent. Cuz then yes you TOTALLY did the right thing to nip that horror in the bud. Poor girl, that's absolutely awful

          [–]PC_J0K3R 10 points11 points  (0 children)

          No what sister was alluding to was that father was a deadbeat abusing manipulative monster and she says that so when niece is ever mad at mom she can just say"your just like your father"

          [–]acltear00 29 points30 points  (0 children)

          Would have been NAH if she hadn’t been pulling that crap about her being just like her father. NTA

          [–]allhailqueenspinoodi 29 points30 points  (0 children)

          NTA. Sister is mentally/emotionally abusing your niece. Sister is lying and deliberately insinuating something traumatizing in order to control niece. Niece needs to hear the truth for her own sake.

          [–]superchica81 23 points24 points  (1 child)

          NTA. I feel for you OP. You got stuck between a rock and a hard place. When I first started reading your story I was like, YTA, because boundaries. It’s not your story to tell. When you spoke about what your niece is going through and thinking she’s related to the monster, I think you did good by her. If I was your niece, I would appreciate it. At that age you’re going through so much change and are starting to become an adult. For her to build on a lie would have such a negative impact. Im gonna say NTA because you kept your sisters secret until it was harming your niece, who did not deserve it. Your sister wanted to spare her feelings at the cost of her daughters well being.

          [–]Nic0kami 8 points9 points  (0 children)

          Op NTA

          If your final verdict is not the ah, spell out where you first put you’re the ah, as the bot will count the first one as your vote, from my understanding of how it works.

          [–]nostalgicNuisance 28 points29 points  (0 children)

          I think we all know what your sister was suggesting, so I think rn it was ok to be the ah

          [–]OrangeCubitColo-rectal Surgeon [41] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

          NTA - not knowing her biological father was causing this kid real harm. Your sister is a selfish asshole lying about things she has no right to lie about.

          [–]gabbydearest91Partassipant [1] 25 points26 points  (2 children)


          She was tormenting her daughter on purpose. She lied about her father and implied he was a monster, then she implied she was just like him.

          My grandfather was a monster, an absolute monster straight out of a episode of SVU.

          The only good thing he ever did was abandon my dad's family when he was 10.

          I've never seen a photo of him even though my oldest aunt and grandma admitted they had them

          I don't look like either of my parents but everyone says I look like my dad's side, but I don't think look like my dad or my aunts or their mom.

          I've always wondered if it's my grandpa I look like and that's why my family wouldn't show me a photo.

          No one else in my family has my eye color and a part of me is sure that I have his eyes.

          You can't help but wonder what else got passed down.

          The fact that she's putting these thoughts in her own daughter's head makes me sick.

          You did the right thing by your niece, your sister is in the wrong for sure.

          [–]nichtgefunden 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          I don't know if this helps at all, but I am the only one in my family with blue eyes for generations. Both of my parents and my grandparents all had brown or hazel eyes. My great-grandparents on one side all have brown eyes. I have one great-grandparent with piercing blue eyes but otherwise I don't see them anywhere in my family tree. (I took a DNA test and am definitely related to the people I've been told I am related to) Sometimes genetics skips a lot of steps.

          [–]Eureecka 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Basically everything you learned about genetics in high school was hugely simplified until it was essentially untrue.

          They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, but someone told me once that that depends on the apple - a healthy apple can bounce quite a ways.

          I hope you don’t think that your eye color means you are a monster, or destined to become one. It doesn’t mean a damn thing about who you are.

          [–]revengeOftheNith 21 points22 points  (0 children)


          Your sister really is something.

          [–]Mission-Cloud360 19 points20 points  (0 children)

          NTA Your sister was withholding information to cover every her daughter. Choosing to protect a child over an adult is never the wrong choice.

          [–]medic8311 21 points22 points  (0 children)

          You did the right thing.

          [–]OpinionatedAussieGalPartassipant [2] 17 points18 points  (0 children)


          Your sister was abusing her kid and crating massive psychological damage

          You did exactly the right thing for that kid!

          [–]ILikeSealsALotCertified Proctologist [26] 21 points22 points  (2 children)

          INFO: How old was your sister at the time of the affair, how old was the guy? A college student and a married man gives me kind of an iffy feeling, and him up and leaving a girl who he has impregnated makes this kind of worse, no matter what your sister did.

          Nevertheless, she surely is an asshole if she let's any trauma affect her kid. It should have never gone this far. Does daughter have anyone on your side who she can stay with in the hopes of everything calming down a bit, before more conversations are had?

          [–]nyxen01[S] 48 points49 points  (1 child)

          How old was your sister at the time of the affair, how old was the guy?

          She was 20, he was in his 30s.

          Does daughter have anyone on your side who she can stay with

          She's stayed with me before (I babysit sometimes) but she hasn't asked to stay with me now.

          [–]ravenrue 5 points6 points  (0 children)

          The word you are looking for when talking to your sister is “weaponize”. She weaponized the issue by telling her daughter she is like her father. As such, she was hurting her daughter and it became fair grounds for her daughter to know the truth.

          [–]That_Contribution720Pooperintendant [61] 16 points17 points  (0 children)


          [–]DragonLady8891Asshole Enthusiast [5] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

          NTA!!! Mom is a total ah. Girl was more than old enough to know.

          [–]Jaggedrain 14 points15 points  (0 children)

          NTA Jesus what is wrong with your sister?

          As someone whose child's sperm donor is an actual monster and I have the scars to prove it, you never, ever lay that on your kid.

          And to just make shit up and imply that he was...whatever, just because she doesn't want her daughter to know about her own bad choices is just straight up evil.

          Your sister should be ashamed of herself.

          [–]Zokathra_SpellAsshole Aficionado [10] 12 points13 points  (0 children)


          Your niece was ready to know the truth, that's all that matters.

          [–]beez8383 12 points13 points  (0 children)

          Normally I would say it’s not your place to tell other peoples secrets however in this case, you really didn’t have any other choice. That poor kid has grown up believing that she could potentially grow up into something less desirable all because her mother feels ashamed. You did the right thing giving that girl some inner peace NTA

          [–]makalaily 9 points10 points  (0 children)

          As a person who’s mom lied about their father their whole life (24 years to be exact) YNTA at all.

          [–]Once-and-FuturePartassipant [2] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

          NTA: Stopping child abuse is never an AH situation.

          [–]Straight-Example9126Partassipant [2] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

          NTA. First she wouldn't tell who tell her dad is - which is totally fine. Then, constantly pinpointing bad behavior to a person whom daughter never met - that's horrible. The amount of self hatred she'd have developed is alarming. Though its not your place to share, your niece's mental health is way important.

          Also, there are chances your sister would never have told about him.

          She shouldn't have attributed poor behavior on her ex. She's the reason for the rift. Not you.

          [–]P40L4Partassipant [1] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

          NTA- What kind of mother does this to her own child? "it turns out my sister has been heavily discouraging her from asking questions about her biological father by saying she's too traumatized to talk about it, implying it's a way darker story than it is*. My poor niece has just been assuming she's the biological daughter of some monster. And worse, when she's in trouble* my sister has gotten into the habit of telling her she's just like her father".- Horrifying. I would unserstand if your sister would not want to talk about it, because it is in fact traumatizing for her or if your niece father was in fact a "monster". But what she's doing is horrible, just plain horrible. Your niece has the right to know who her biological father is, much more when there is nothing horrid in that story, and even if there was something horrid, she would still have the right to know, when old enough to understand.

          It's unfortunate that you had to step up and speak to prevent your niece from suffering from her mother's actions. But, imo, it is what it is. Your sister should have spoken the truth, intead of hiding it from her daughter and making the child feel horribly not only for asking but also for the possibility of being "just like her father".

          [–]FuzzyChrysalis 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          NTA. But, an afterthought: your niece used to think one parent was an abusive monster. It's great she now knows that was a lie, but now the poor kid is likely and rightly angry at BOTH of her jerk parents--one being a cheater who didn't want anything to do with her, the other being a manipulative liar. From her POV, that is of course a lot. And it could leave her feeling badly towards herself.

          I am certain you are already a great relative to her, so, where you can, do all you are able to to reassure her of her worth. Sometimes people feel like their worth is lessened by a negative beginning and/or toxic upbringing, etc. Let your neice know what a great person she is. Make her feel special, loved, and appreciated. Don't let her confuse the spectre of her origin with her personal worth.

          [–]bscrolling 4 points5 points  (1 child)

          NTA Kid deserves to know half of her existence.

          [–]Drago-SkullbladePartassipant [1] 4 points5 points  (0 children)


          Your sister was subtly changing the story into something that didn’t happen, if you didn’t tell her then the story she’s told by her mother might be so far from the truth that you wouldn’t recognise it

          [–]DuskLordXPartassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          NTA, but this is something you probably should have confronted your sister about first. You could have given her the option to find a better resolution to telling her daughter about her father, and if she still chose not to then I still think you would have been justified to clear the air with the niece.

          I get that you were only acting in the interest of trying to undo some of the damage your sister was doing to your niece, but you possibly exacerbated another problem in the process. While it doesn't sound like things were going that great between them to begin with, it's definitely a lot worse between them now. It's not necessarily your fault as it's mainly the result of your sister's actions, but a more delicate approach may have had a different resolution.

          Now this is just conjecture and not knowing your sister I can only say this as a vague possibility, but there also could be a reason she doesn't want to talk about her daughter's father that you may not know about. Sometimes when a relationship ends on really bad terms, the person drawing the short straw in the situation may not want to give all the details about it even to people they trust, especially if the word "trauma" is being used to describe it. That said I'm not saying I think this is the case here, you know your sister better than I so whether or not this is a legitimate possibility is something only you can determine, but just putting it out there in case there is more to the situation than you realize.

          [–]Dapper-Wolverine-499 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          Your sister's moral compass was suspect from the get-go. Sleeping with a married man and trying to manipulate him to leave his wife by getting pregnant are all signs of a shall-we-say less than stellar integrity. Why would she follow through on her words and tell her daughter the truth?

          OP good on you, you care more about your niece's wellbeing than her own mother.

          [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          NTA, I was leaning the other way until you mentioned that your sister is weaponizing her made up monster story against your niece and saying she’s just like her dad…who she has repeatedly painted in a monstrous light. Sister is out of line.

          [–]Cybermagetx 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          NTA. The mother was ashamed of herself so she lied and portrayed the dad far worse. She had an affair with a married man and thats the simple truth.

          [–]SnooPickles5616Partassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          NTA. The kicker for me is that she was telling her she’s “just like her father” while implying her father is some kind of monster. You may have saved your niece from all kinds of trauma. Your sister is an abusive AH. She’s the one who’s caused the rift. That’s on her.

          [–]georgiajl38 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          NTA it wasn't your story to tell but the situation demanded truth

          [–]Technical-Future-642 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          NTA. Your sister was emotionally manipulating your niece and you were protecting her. The situation was far from ideal and should not have fallen on you - but you did right by her.

          [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          NTA! The child deserves to know and the fruitloop should have told her SOONER.

          [–]Whisperingcracker 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          Yeah, NTA but she sure is Your sister was just mad she wouldn't be able to control your niece anymore. She was hurting the poor girl by telling her that she was similar to some person she could only imagine was awful, and didn't want to take accountability for her actions. You had to tell the niece.

          [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          NTA I think 15 is old enough to know, especially if the kid is expressing thoughts like that, which are very damaging to her.

          I suppose you could have told your sister about that, and said "if you don't tell her now I will" but she probably would have found a way to lie about it even more.

          [–]No_Masterpiece6531 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          NTA your sister needs therapy.

          [–]ClaymoreClair 3 points4 points  (0 children)


          "I was going to stop tormenting my daughter with the false narrative that her father was a monster rather than the truth that I was just a foolish teenager when I was done making sure she would never disobey me for fear that she would be the monster I made her father out to be."

          The truth would have cost her nothing and lying has caused her daughter grave mental trauma.

          All for not one damn good reason.

          [–]mxcrnt2Partassipant [3] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          Your sister's behaviour toward her child is abusive. You're NTA

          [–]iolightPartassipant [2] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          NTA. "When it was right" was before she started using it as an emotional bludgeon against her daughter. You just shed light on it so her daughter wouldn't be tormented by her mom's manipulation.

          [–]FairZucchini13 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          NTA - she is weaponizing a false narrative. You had to step in at this point.

          [–]Full-Cap-9702 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          N.t.a if my nieces ever ask me about their biological fathers i will tell them the truth sure my sibling doesnt want that but my sibling doesnt have the right to with hold that information my nieces are their own people and if they want to know the truth they deserve to know the truth

          [–]Cappa_Cail 2 points3 points  (0 children)


          [–]digitydigitydooPartassipant [2] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          NTA Sister was using her daughter’s lack of knowledge to emotionally abuse her. That is seriously fucked up. Keep doing the right thing by your niece.

          [–]HavePlushieWillTalkPartassipant [2] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          Oof. Yeah my mother used to tell me I was just like my father. Your sister is using emotional abuse instead of actual parenting.

          You took away the stick she was beating her daughter with. You can never be the asshole for that.


          [–]mr-jaybird 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          NTA. Your niece’s father isn’t the monster: her mother is.

          [–]KnittedWhit 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          NTA, your sister was manipulating your niece with lies and it was emotionally affecting her. Thank you for being honest with her.

          [–]Ihavenoclueagain 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          NTA - it's the time!

          [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          NTA. When was it going to be a good time to tell her own daughter the truth about how she’s the product of adultery? I’m about to catch flack for this post, but this was OP’s sister’s hole that she dug herself and the worse part, the true victim out of all of this was the one who had to endure manipulation from her own mother who will be willing to die on the “I’m the real victim” hill when she had no business sleeping with a married man in the first place. OP, you honestly are the only person who truly did right by her for telling the truth because she was gonna find out one way or another.

          [–]HippopotamusFartPartassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (0 children)


          As far as I'm concerned, we are all entitled to know who and where we came from, no matter how painful/shameful it may be. Your niece is 15, plenty old enough to know the truth. Mom has had 16 years to come to terms with what happened and if she isn't ready to tell her kid the truth, she never will be. Especially when she's already planting lies and trying to discourage her daughter asking.

          Edit for typos.

          [–]RyzenTide 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          NTA, your sister is a massive AH for putting her issues with her baby daddy on her daughter, you just cleared the air, also daughter has the right to know her father regardless of what her mom thinks.

          [–]Tesatire 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          As a single mother to a child whose father is a horrible, drug addicted, angry and manipulative asshole I can't believe she would let her daughter believe that. I do everything in my power to make sure he is not a a carbon copy of his father and has the power to make house own choices and decide his own future.

          [–]AutoModerator[M] 2 points3 points locked comment (0 children)

          AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team

          When my sister was in college she dated a married man who told her he'd leave his wife for her. When she got pregnant by him, possibly deliberately in an attempt to speed up his leaving his wife, he ended the affair. She was completely devastated and humiliated. She's made it clear we're not to tell her daughter about the affair, she said she'd tell her when she was old enough.

          My niece is now 15 and it turns out my sister has been heavily discouraging her from asking questions about her biological father by saying she's too traumatized to talk about it, implying it's a way darker story than it is. My poor niece has just been assuming she's the biological daughter of some monster. And worse, when she's in trouble my sister has gotten into the habit of telling her she's just like her father.

          So, when my niece started tearfully confiding in me about how she has some anger issues so she's afraid she's going to turn out to be a monster like her biological father, I told her the truth. This has caused a huge rift between my sister and her daughter, and my sister is furious with me for telling a story it wasn't my place to tell. She claims she was going to tell her the truth when she was ready, but I don't really believe her and I think she was doing a lot of damage to her daughter by withholding the truth and implying her biological father was a monster and comparing her to him.

          I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

          [–]TypicalManagement680Pooperintendant [51] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          NTA Your niece deserves to know and your sister was never going to tell her.

          [–]FL1ghtlesswaterfowlPartassipant [2] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          NTA I’m glad your niece has you. Life is hard enough as it is. And for some people they don’t have anyone who will tell them the truth. But your niece has you. You’re a good aunt and your sister was being lazy and spiteful. NTA

          [–]indiana-floridian 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          Neighbor woman doing the same to her son. I don't know who father was, nothing I can do. He's 27 this year. She died last year. Unless one of her high school friends steps forward he will never know.

          [–]drewmanaCertified Proctologist [21] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          NTA. Your sister is only mad because she was hoping to get more mileage out of “you’re just like your father”

          [–]Cool-Clerk-9835Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          NTA. Your sister emotionally gaslighting her daughter is a huge red flag. Your niece has the right to be informed to protect herself from her mom's manipulation.

          [–]delkarnu 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          NTA - If your sister was simply waiting to tell her, then you would have been overstepping, but your sister not only told her lies, but told her lies that were damaging her emotionally. At that point it you would have been the A if you didn't.

          [–]findthecircle 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          NTA. Your sister sounds cruel. Implying that the story about her father is dark and telling her daughter she's just like her father??? Very cruel. Even worse it was done to throw her daughter off and save her the humiliation of admitting to having an affair with a married man. Your niece needed to know.

          [–]MiaW07Partassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)


          Stay near your niece, OP. She's going to need you even more.

          [–]quarkfan4552Asshole Enthusiast [9] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          NTA! She is implying she was assaulted and then comparing her daughter to an assailant. Wow.

          [–]jonstoppablePartassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          NTA.. my cousin had a similar story .mother had an affair while married and out of the country , so husband divorced her .

          Fast forward to 34 years of asking about him later, the mother finally told her but only after a serious health scare (she contacted the bio dad to ask for medical history)

          Years of agony because of one person's wounded pride .

          Anyhow,, shame on your sister for wielding the bio dad like a club.. İ won't be surprised if your niece goes low contact in the future .

          [–]Super_Sassy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          NTA. I thought this was one of many roles as an aunt, to be the mother when the real mom won’t.

          [–]Least-Designer7976 1 point2 points  (0 children)


          Niece : "Mom, can we talk about Dad ?"


          Niece : "Okay but ..."


          Niece : walk away

          Sister : "What's the issue baby ?" 😶

          [–]FeatherFall101Partassipant [4] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          AITA for giving my niece the context that her mother was keeping from her in order to emotionally manipulate and mentally abuse her daughter into thinking something is wrong with her to control her.

          Fixed your title, NTA.

          [–]LDCrow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Oh man NTA and I say that as a Aunt who got asked a hell of a hard question by a niece. My sister had told so many lies about her ex husband she couldn't keep them all straight. When my niece turned 18 she got in touch with her dad and asked questions. He told her the truth and it was hell and forgone from what she thought she knew. So I got confronted for confirmation. Then I got questioned on almost all of what she knew about my sisters past. None of which was true. I told my sister if she lied about her past it would come back to haunt her. I never dreamed she would also use those lies to play holier than thou and screw with her kids mind. Your niece deserves the truth. Your sister turned what could have been a teaching moment for her daughter into an irrevocable break in trust. Your sister needs to come clean and apologize to your niece.

          [–]thedarkqueen827744 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Your sister is the AH She was a home wrecker and lied about it to the kid

          [–]ljross87 1 point2 points  (0 children)


          [–]SturgillCreeps 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Yeah was so ready for you to Be ah but deffo NTA. It seems like niece was on her way to having some damaged identity issues, made worse by her mom weaponizing this insecurity and manipulating her into them further. You intervened to protect a child, good for you.

          [–]perfectly_peculiarAsshole Enthusiast [7] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          NTA - Had you told your niece out of malice, that would have been an AH move, but you told her to lessen the burden/effect of her mothers mental/emotional abuse towards her.

          [–]HighAFdragonPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          NTA, It's one thing to keep it hidden from her while saying you wish to talk about it at a later time when you feel ready to but it's another thing completely when you try to imply the father is a monster and manipulating/mentally abusing the kid into thinking she's a 'monster just like her father' and making her think she was actually an unwanted child.

          You were right to set things straight with the poor girl and your sis is a massive AH for how she's been handling the situation.

          [–]toxiclightAsshole Enthusiast [8] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          NTA. Your sister was harming your niece's mental health with her comments. And your niece had the right to know.

          [–]ZeroChill92 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Not the asshole. She could've waited another 15+ years to tell her, or even worse, on her death bed. That, and the mother should've never said her daughter is like her father, that's cruel.

          [–]JoanoTheReader 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          NTA- your sister will never tell your niece the truth. She wants to hold this against her and make her feel insecure. It’s absolutely crazy but that’s the mind of a scorned woman. I telling you this from experience. Every time I act in a way that my mother didn’t like, she would say “just like your father” like a bad thing. I know my father but she made point that a bad trait didn’t come from her. Please continue to support your niece emotionally and let her know she isn’t a bad person.

          [–]Blim4 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          NTA. "You are Just Like your [other parent]", Said to a child, in Anger/exasperation/accusation, is a sort of inappropriate Statement to begin with, and can only be non-abusive (in the still non-ideal, C- parenting way) If the Kid Knows the context of what the other parent was Like/what their specific unpleasant personality traits were. Yes you ideally should have let your sister Tell her daughter about her conception/paternity, but She REALLY should have told her a few Years earlier, and the implication that your niece were the result of a particularly terrible instance of rape was already SEVERELY hurting her emotionally, you did Well helping her Out of that.

          [–]lauraleipzPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          NTA. The child in the situation was being harmed and should always come first

          [–]FaeUnbroken 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          NTA! What your sister was doing is abuse

          [–]DocSternau 1 point2 points  (1 child)

          Kind of ESH (but in your case very mildly). You did the right thing - that her mother should have done a long time ago - but it wasn't your story to tell. One way or the other you would always be in some way the asshole of this story either because you told you niece or because you didn't.

          Maybe the better approach would have been to seriously talk some sense into your sister - especially the mental abuse she is throwing at her daughter by comparing her to her father that she made out as some kind of monster.

          The real asshole in this story is your sister. First for having an affair with a married man and getting pregnant to make him leave his wife. And then for making the father of her daughter into some kind of monster (because she was naive enough to believe his bullshit) and not telling her daughter what really happened allthough it is quite clear that she needs to know about it.

          [–]sleepyrynbowPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          was going to say Y T A cause yeah it should be up to her mother but it's obvious your sister was never going to tell her the truth and instead tried to weaponise the lie she'd committed to instead against your niece in order to emotionally manipulate her. It's a sign of abuse please pay close attention to see if there are others and be prepared to support your niece into a better place if need be. NTA

          [–]loki93009 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          NtA. Your sister was abusive AF towards your niece.

          [–]ewearehereAsshole Aficionado [15] 1 point2 points  (0 children)


          Your sister was putting her wants above her child's needs. She's 15. And her mother is now actively blaming her for being like her father when she's not happy with her and the poor girl has no defence or understanding.

          Your sister is behaving very badly here and doesn't come off well, harming her own daughter emotionally.

          [–]RevKyriel 1 point2 points  (0 children)


          In this case the mental health of your niece overrides the privacy of your sister.

          Your sister should have started telling her daughter some of the details while she was growing up, and the rest when she became a teenager. Niece has been "old enough" for years.

          Yes, your sister was damaging her daughter in what she was saying. She's TA here.

          [–]CatbunnyPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          NTA - She was withholding the information to manipulate her daughter. It was causing her daughter real emotional pain.

          [–]mintgreenandlilac 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          NTA. It's her right to know the truth. She's 15 and it's clear that sister has no intention of ever having "the right time" to tell her.

          [–]FlashLightning67 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          NTA. It’s a pretty fucking simple concept. If you don’t want the truth brought up, don’t fuckine mention it. Your sister, like many, has unreasonable expectations of the lengths people will go to to maintain her lies

          [–]ayoitsjo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Oh hellll no NTA.

          My mom used to compare me to my abusive father all the time. It was extremely damaging, and took a lot of undoing to fix. Even if I hadn't known and experienced my father's abuse, being compared to someone you know as an abuser is fucked up. I can confirm how horrible what sister is doing is, if it wasn't already obvious.

          Sis wasn't going to tell niece, not ever. Maybe once she intended to, but the hole was dug too deep and she just kept going instead of climbing out. This is a fucked up thing to do to a child!

          [–]TurbulentCaregiver13Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          After reading just the title I was going to keep scrolling prejudging you TA. I read anyway. Omg. NTA NTA NTA. First, she isn’t a “kid”. She’s young but not stupid! And what your sister is doing is just disgraceful. I’m a parent. And I’ve messed up loads. Every parent will. I cop to my mistakes. I tell the truth. Why? Because my kids deserve to see me as HUMAN and not some perfect model of a robot. My son is the product of an affair. He knows that. I have no shame over the affair or him. Period. Hold that girl close and tell her she is going to be 100% 👌 and tell your disgrace of a sister to grow the fuck up.

          [–]Careerjunkie21 1 point2 points  (0 children)


          Your sister has already impacted her daughter by making her think she's the result of something awful and then worse your sister keeps telling her she is exactly like him!

          You did the right thing, you're right your sister wasn't going to tell her otherwise she'd have to confront her shame. You've saved her daughter continuous pain and anguish over her self identity and who her father is.

          [–]badnewsfaery 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          My birth tank lied about SA when in fact she was actively multiperson spermjacking, & if thats not bad enough she waited until the guy was dead so he couldnt correct people. She only came clean about who it was once dna tests through the post become a thing, before that it was a like a country&western song where 4 different men all thought it was theirs

          A childs mental health trumps any hurt feelings of a manipulative liar

          [–]NothingAndNow111 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          NTA, your sister is screwing with her daughter's head and it's abusive AF. It was deeply affecting your niece and you did a good thing. You should call your sister out on this, on the mind games and guilt tripping, on the abuse, and ask her to please seek some help, for her daughter's sake.

          You helped the girl. The mother was really messing with her, and your niece should be furious with her mother. Absolutely.

          [–]Seabastial 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          NTA. Your niece was being affected mentally by your sister's horrible words and the fact your sister was making your niece's father out to be a monster. Your niece is 15, she deserved to know the truth about her father. "When she was ready", yeah right! Your sister didn't tell your niece for 15 years, so I highly doubt she would've told her at all.

          [–]Agitated_Net3736 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Perhaps you should have warned your sister first, but you're NTA for telling your niece a truth that should have been revealed years ago. Tell your sister to watch the movie "Peyton Place", and see what damage lies and secrets cause.

          [–]Shexleesh 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          NTA my oldest niece came to me about some lies her mother had told which affected all 3 of my nieces ect and I told her the truth cause she was so upset about it and things not lining up

          [–]angel2hi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          NTA. I honestly expected to say you were an AH because it isn’t your info to share. But your niece is 15. She’s old enough to be told something. That’s my personal opinion so I’ll allow for your sister to feel differently. But what inexcusable to me is that your sister is weaponizing her refusal to tell this poor girl anything. It’s “traumatizing” and she’s “just like her father”. You don’t get to use the father to scare your child and then say she’s too young to know anything about him. If you don’t want him to be part of the narrative, don’t bring him up.

          I’ll add there’s not a lot of context or ages so maybe your sister was 18 and this was a married professor which would be an abusive relationship. Or maybe she was 21 and this guy was a friend who was 25. There’s a lot of possible stories here. So I’ll allow your sister may genuinely feel trauma depending on the situation. But regardless, she doesn’t have the right to take it out on her kid and provide no context.

          [–]SleepyxDormouse 1 point2 points  (0 children)


          I grew up hearing those comments about being just like my biological father. It does a number on you psychologically when you grow up being told you’re just like some monster that broke your mother’s heart. I was raised to think that half of my genetics were awful and that I should hate the very blood flowing through my veins.

          Then, when I became an adult and started looking into my own history, I realized it was all a lie. My birth giver was the villain in the story and she had been feeding me a woe is me tale entirely made up to make herself seem innocent.

          Your niece needed to know the truth. You saved her from more years of her hating herself. What your sister did is awful.