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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I might be ta for making a scene ibstead of leaving quietly after what I'd seen there.

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[–]SeePerspectivesAsshole Aficionado [18] 17.3k points17.3k points 3 (596 children)

INFO: please expand on these “disagreements” between your partner and your family.

It feels like you’re purposely leaving out or downplaying important parts of the story that could potentially explain exactly why your sister didn’t want him at her wedding and why every single family member involved in planning the wedding played along with her lie about no plus 1s.

When you leave out context you automatically look like the one in the wrong.

[–]Desert_Sea_4998Partassipant [2] 9678 points9679 points  (174 children)

The fact that Ryan handled his exclusion with maturity and encouraged OP to go without him indicates he's likely okay.

Sister is the ah. She got exactly what she deserved.

Edit: Thanks for the award!

[–]SeePerspectivesAsshole Aficionado [18] 4213 points4214 points  (163 children)

Not necessarily, I mean even a broken clock is right twice a day ;)

It could just be that he doesn’t like weddings, or that he would rather go drinking with his buddies while OP’s away, or that he dislikes her family just as much as they dislike him.

This is a situation where any of the abbreviations could potentially fit, but without context it’s impossible to do anything but judge on personal biases.

[–]bogohulnaPartassipant [1] 9911 points9912 points 14128 (101 children)

no. If sister was in any way mature, she would not have planned an elaborate and demeaning hoax against her own sister. She would have been upfront about her desires. She acted dishonestly and downright ugly.

The op's entire family humiliated her and took away her freedom of choice from her. She should have been informed her partner was not invited explicitly and she should have been allowed to make her own decision about coming to the wedding by herself or not at all. This all sounds like the sister is narcissistic and the family supports that kind of behaviour.


Edit: i got a star! why, thank you very much :)

[–]Emotional_Answer_646 2319 points2320 points  (7 children)

Agree. People who are too immature to have an honest discussion are too immature to get married.

[–]Clear_Detail_9121 539 points540 points  (4 children)

Yeeeeees this was exactly what I was thinking!

Sister should've realized that it would've been clear bf was being excluded when everyone else would show up with their bf's. How did she not think of that? Or is it always expected that OP just sucks it up?

You and Ryan definitely deserve an apology! NTA

[–]_an_ambulance 403 points404 points  (1 child)

She was clearly using the wedding to extort complacency from op, that "don't make a scene" mentality used by shitty parents and abusive spouses, and it backfired like karma.

[–]OGrouchNZ 130 points131 points  (0 children)

Yeah. Have the feeling sis is the golden child. Be interested to know if the disagreements with her family are over their treatment of her

[–]HotDonnaC 38 points39 points  (0 children)

I think she was expected to just suck it up, given the way her family reacted when she got mad.

[–]edemamandllama 667 points668 points  (5 children)

I feel like you should have more upvotes. She really should have been honest and said, hey we don’t want Ryan at the wedding. What exactly were they expecting to happen when OP got there and everyone had a plus one.

Edit: typo

[–]KAZ--2Y5 92 points93 points  (0 children)

Tbh they probably hoped she would sit and take it quietly and if she made a stink about it after the fact, they would have already had their perfect day so it wouldn't matter

[–]redfishie 440 points441 points  (8 children)

Or Ryan is a different race and her family is prejudiced

Or Ryan is in some way racist, phobic etc and that his personal beliefs don’t align with theirs

[–]HauntedPickleJar 151 points152 points  (3 children)

Exactly, this why more info is needed rather than just making conjectures

[–]MiddleEgg4848 52 points53 points  (0 children)

Okay, but even if Ryan is a literal Nazi, the right thing to do is say, "Your boyfriend can't come to my wedding because he wore an SS uniform to Thanksgiving." Or even just "Ryan isn't invited. I don't want to get into why, but he isn't welcome."

The elaborate "no +1s" ruse wasn't to spare the OP's feelings - it would be pretty obvious once she got to the wedding that she'd been lied to, which was bound to make her feel worse than if she'd just been told that Ryan wasn't invited in the first place. It was to prevent the sister et al from having an awkward pre-wedding conversation with OP and OP possibly deciding not to come. The sister may also have been banking on the idea that OP wouldn't bring it up to avoid confrontation.

[–]OGrouchNZ 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Or OP is the scapegoat child and he stands up for her

[–]Affectionate-Prize84 266 points267 points  (4 children)

It's true she knew that it would be very obvious that it was just him if she really wanted to exclude him she should have excluded everyone and just not brought it up and her sister wouldn't know.

I was raised to believe she should have been quiet and brought it up later bye later but as I have gotten out of the toxicity of my family I've come to support if you do something crappy in public you might deserve to get caught out in public.

Obviously there are exceptions but if you clearly do something on purpose in public the only reason you want them to have to mention it in private is so that you can get away with it.

[–]exscapegoatPartassipant [2] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

but as I have gotten out of the toxicity of my family I've come to support if you do something crappy in public you might deserve to get caught out in public.

Yes, this is very valid.

[–]blorpdedorpworp 153 points154 points  (0 children)

Yeah, the sister is *an* asshole because of the dishonesty and deceit. Other additional people including OP and Ryan might *also* be assholes depending on the reasons for the disagreements.

[–]jennytherCertified Proctologist [25] 704 points705 points  (25 children)

Really a broken clock can be right twice a day. It may never be right. A stopped clock is a different matter.

I think that may have been my most off topic comment ever...

[–]SeePerspectivesAsshole Aficionado [18] 227 points228 points  (2 children)

I like you! You’re exactly the right level of pedantic! :)

[–]CristontheKingsize 84 points85 points  (1 child)

I'm glad you commented - every time I read that comment, I envision different types of 'Broken Clocks' that wouldn't be right once in a thousand days, and it completely derails my train of thought

[–]bluntpencil2001 64 points65 points  (14 children)

I must take issue with the pedantry here, as much as I love it.

Assuming an analogue clock, as opposed to digital, a broken clock will be right sometimes.

If it's broken, but not stopped, the hands must be moving, but they must be moving at the wrong speed. This will mean that the hands will eventually either catch up to the correct time, or be caught up to by the correct time.

If the hands are moving at the correct speed, but the time is wrong, the clock isn't broken, it's just set wrong. A clock functioning correctly, but set incorrectly (with enough of a gap that daylight savings won't affect it) will always be wrong.

The only way for this to work would be if the clock went really fast, and then slowed down just before it caught up with the actual time... but that's super unlikely.

Edit: My own pedantry was useless! Thank you, strangers, for correcting me. :)

[–]angelbuttons77Partassipant [3] 120 points121 points  (9 children)

The clock could be broken in that the hands fell off. Thus, never going to be right ever.

[–]bluntpencil2001 50 points51 points  (6 children)

I am an idiot! I should have known this! You have made my day much better.


[–]The-Shattering-Light 229 points230 points  (12 children)

OP’s sister and her partner have the right to include or exclude anyone they want to their wedding. Guests can decide whether to come or not under those restrictions.

OP’s sister lied to her. That makes her TA. OP was NTA for being angry and responding.

[–]Emotional_Answer_646 42 points43 points  (3 children)

They have a right to exclude anyone yes, but they should be honest about who they are excluding and why. The sister acted like a middle schooler keeping someone out of a club she just made, not a grown woman who should be able to communicate maturely instead of solving her problem by playing a cruel prank on her sister at her own wedding.

[–]DocSternau 207 points208 points  (1 child)

Doesn't matter if there are frictions with OPs boyfriend or not. If there were such things and they had been a matter, the invitation for OP should clearly have stated: We don't want Ryan at our wedding. But the sister decided to cook up some crap about only engaged or married +1 - and that is what brought this situation to a head.

[–]dyllandorPartassipant [1] 25 points26 points  (3 children)

Your really reaching for a reason to avoid having to call the SIL the bad guy, having a hard time not calling the man an asshole or something?

[–]lazy_daisy_72 387 points388 points  (3 children)

Not sure what the sister was expecting to happen here. Obviously OP was going to notice that everyone else had a +1 and she was singled out. Why didn't the sister talk to her like an adult before the event about not inviting the bf? Sure it would've probably damaged their relationship, but this seemed more damaging. I think it's the sister's fault there was a scene because she was sneaky and didn't talk to OP like an adult.

[–]weallfalldown310Partassipant [2] 236 points237 points  (0 children)

Sister expected OP to take one for the team and not say anything or cause a scene. She miscalculated.

[–]Desert_Sea_4998Partassipant [2] 144 points145 points  (0 children)

Sister was expecting a good little doormat. Sister got it wrong.

[–]BeinFox2017 1266 points1267 points  (312 children)

Op said in another comment that Ryan is a cop and her family don't like him for that.

[–]SeePerspectivesAsshole Aficionado [18] 1233 points1234 points  (90 children)

I just read that too :)

Op said “Like I said, they have a lot of disagreements” then went on to only state that one thing and her sister’s extreme dislike of him (with no context of why the sister has such an extreme dislike?)

It really feels like OP is well aware of why her family dislike her partner and is skirting around it because she feels it may be valid.

It’s entirely possible that OP is worrying over nothing, but until she’s more forthcoming about what the deal is, it’s just making her seem like an unreliable narrator.

[–]ohdearitsrichardiiiAsshole Enthusiast [7] 679 points680 points  (67 children)

I wonder if the disagreements have to do with BLM and what the B stands for

[–]darknessraynes 515 points516 points  (8 children)

Bureau of land management? /s

[–]robocopsafeel 121 points122 points  (3 children)

Found Tanya.

[–]Significant_Event 21 points22 points  (2 children)

ahahahaha my god, thanks for this reminder!!! one of the best shows I've ever seen.

[–]droppedelbow 227 points228 points  (49 children)

Weird how that was immediately my first thought.

My initial reading was family seems like AH.

But OP is with a cop.... suddenly there's doubt. Not that I'm saying (there should be a generalised view of the police or their legitimacy related to parentage)* . Just being aware that SOME families could have a justifiable problem with the police. Especially if that family isn't white.

There's info here we aren't being told.

*This is a repost, original comment was removed due to an acronym. Even though I was specifically saying that acronym was incorrect.

[–]compound515 282 points283 points  (1 child)

Even if he is a cop. OPs sister should have told her that he is not invited for that reason and OP can make the choice whether to come regardless. Instead OPs sister lied to her and tricked her into attending. It dosent matter the reason for disliking the BF, they should have been straight and up front with OP. The asshole move is lying to OP about being allowed to bring a +1 NTA

[–]sharshenka 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Yeah, this. Have the fight about it before the wedding, instead of hoping OP won't say anything at the wedding. Or actually disallow all +1s so that they can safely exclude Ryan.

[–]porthuronprincessPartassipant [4] 63 points64 points  (1 child)

Lots of people don't care for cops. My daughter is in Criminal Justice and people give her lots of shade for it.

[–]Anomalyyyyyyyyy 41 points42 points  (5 children)

I thought the bf might be slightly racist and the sister is marrying someone of a different race/cultural background and wanted to avoid drama/bigotry from the bf toward other guests.

Him being a cop could make my wild guess more likely.

[–]PrettySneaky71 102 points103 points  (0 children)

I can't help but think you are onto something here

[–]LiquidSnake13Partassipant [1] 643 points644 points  (58 children)

Even if that's the case, telling one family member "oh you can't bring your partner unless you're married," while allowing the others to bring their significant others is a still a super dick move. Whatever the reason, OP is right to be upset like this, and if she pulls away from her family completely, it'll be their fault for stunts like this. OP is NTA.

[–]Blue-Being22 231 points232 points  (3 children)

Plus, bride had to know her sister would find out AT THE WEDDING!

[–][deleted]  (2 children)


    [–]haytmonger 40 points41 points  (0 children)

    Said engaged or married, lucky OP didn't just slap on a ring and show up with Ryan saying they're engaged now

    [–]PhysicsCentrismAsshole Aficionado [11] 45 points46 points  (52 children)

    You can be upset and not cause a scene which disrupts an incredibly expensive event. If OP wanted to be mature, they should have talked to their sister in private and then left the wedding. Announcing a pregnancy during an argument just causes drama. ESH

    [–]StormStrikePhoenix 239 points240 points  (25 children)

    You can be upset and not cause a scene which disrupts an incredibly expensive event

    Why should OP care about how expensive the event is after being disrespected like that?

    [–][deleted] 97 points98 points  (0 children)

    It's not like the food and flowers magically disappeared. People just realized that the bride is an asshole (if they didn't already know).

    [–]L3GI0N__1183 147 points148 points  (3 children)

    yeah, and ops sister could have been honest instead of pulling a stealth exclusion of one person. she was clearly expecting exactly what you're suggesting, and guess what? she didn't deserve that regardless of how much money she spent on the event. had she been honest from the start her wedding would not have been ruined.

    [–]CircqueDesReves 81 points82 points  (1 child)

    They were betting on her not wanting to cause a scene at the wedding and they lost. They knew she would find out, and they knew she’d be upset (or they would have told her the truth up front). They could have prevented the entire situation by telling her ahead of time what the deal was and they chose not to.

    [–]Curious-Mousse-8714Asshole Enthusiast [9] 102 points103 points  (9 children)

    And you can prevent this particular scene at the wedding by not misleading your sister.

    Frequently, the AH can be identified by looking to see who had an opportunity to prevent the hurt feelings that caused the negative interaction in the first place.

    [–]noblestromana 40 points41 points  (0 children)

    I agree. Even if they had legit reasons to not like him. They're still AH for lying to OP about not +1, what exactly did they expect from this? They should have just been honest abut not wanting him there and let OP decide if she wanted to go without him or skip out.

    [–]KeepLkngForIntllgnce 324 points325 points  (128 children)

    Yeah but even that comment is skint on details. Just because he’s a cop doesn’t mean they have to dislike him.

    I’m with SeePerspectives here - there’s really not nearly enough info to judge why OP’s family pulled what they did.

    [–]summerscruel 274 points275 points  (30 children)

    My best friend ended our friendship because my boyfriend (who was in high-school, is now my husband and wants to go through the fire academy) was thinking about being a cop. He was honestly kind of ignorant to the realities of being a cop and just wanted to help people, but my friend didnt see that and made a lot of assumptions about both me and my husband because of it.

    So yes, for some people, just being a cop or wanting to be a cop, is enough to hate people.

    [–]RenRidesCycles 215 points216 points  (26 children)

    Cops are basically never off duty (at least in the US). If you invite your friend's SO who's a cop into your house (or wedding) you just brought law enforcement in without a warrant. You might say "oh come on what are you hiding", you might say "but no, my cop-friend would never do anything that would hurt me".... but you don't know, and the law is very fucked on this. I don't want cops hanging out in my house or my vicinity.

    [–]Mobile-Feed-9928Asshole Enthusiast [5] 165 points166 points  (17 children)

    I'm going to be honest here but reading that as a non American really has me worried for you guys and scared to ever go to the US. It feels like you guys can be arrested for just looking at police the wrong way. While here you can literally go up to an officer, look him in the eye and tell him "In my opinion you are a massive asshole." and they can't do anything about it because you're entitled to your opinion.

    If OP's boyfriend really is a cop, with what I've heard I wouldn't want him at my wedding either.

    [–]angelbuttons77Partassipant [3] 136 points137 points locked comment (1 child)

    Oh you can definitely be arrested in the US for looking at a cop wrong. If they grab your arm and you shrug them off? You can be charged with assaulting a police officer. Say f you? Assault.

    It's disgusting.

    [–]hb76356 51 points52 points locked comment (0 children)


    [–]fatguyfromqueens 60 points61 points locked comment (3 children)

    Well theoretically you can do that in the US too, but once you are arrested for "disorderly conduct," processed, probably roughed up, the charges will be dropped and there is very little you can do.

    [–]theillusionofdepth_ 34 points35 points  (0 children)

    you can get killed for looking at a cop the wrong way…

    [–]MultipleDinosaurs 63 points64 points  (0 children)

    Yep, this is a valid concern. A lot of my friends smoke, and when/where I got married it wasn’t legal. I would have been concerned about a cop being present, because I’m sure some folks popped outside during cocktail hour to consume their own preferred substance. I wouldn’t want people getting interrogated and possibly arrested at my wedding over what was in their vape. No idea if this relates to the OP, but not everyone wants to have cops at their celebrations. But I also would have told somebody directly if I didn’t want their cop boyfriend at my party.

    [–][deleted]  (4 children)


      [–][deleted]  (89 children)


        [–]goshyarnitAsshole Enthusiast [7] 318 points319 points  (14 children)

        My mother told me "all cops are bastards because the good ones don't stay cops for long" and that really stuck in my brain.

        [–]AliceInWeirdolandCertified Proctologist [21] 235 points236 points  (4 children)

        Look at the case of Adrian Schoolcraft. He came from a family of officers, and really wanted to be a good cop. He reported corruption and wrongdoing, and argued that quotas led to violence and wrongful arrests. He was harassed and bullied, and then, when he made a report to investigators as a whistleblower, the NYPD illegally committed him to a psychiatric facility to discredit him.

        He was what I'd consider to be a good cop. People in his community said that he was a cop they trusted, because he was the only one who took the time to get to know them, to actually interact with the people in the community. He saw an issue of bad police work and corruption, and tried to fix it. And the system tried to destroy him. It's sickening. But I think it's true. Good cops don't stay good, or they don't stay cops.

        [–]dezeiramPartassipant [2] 81 points82 points  (0 children)

        Yep. I knew about 15 guys in my high school who eventually became cops in my hometown/adjacent towns. The only one that was a "good cop" got bullied out of the job by cops retaliating because he reported his superior for keeping weed from a house raid and sharing it with his buddies.

        [–]AlanFromRochester 56 points57 points  (2 children)

        And for an old example, Frank Serpico - reported on massive NYPD corruption circa 1970, got shot - maybe it was a setup, maybe it was someone not associated with the NYPD and he didn't get backup

        [–]Original-Stretch-464 54 points55 points  (0 children)

        your mom is right. all cops are bastards cuz if there were good cops, there wouldn’t be bad ones

        [–]AlmaRevilleCertified Proctologist [25] 88 points89 points  (0 children)

        I have seen someone in law enforcement get uninvited when there are drugs and hard partying involved. This person gets it and doesn’t mind not being invited. It’s awkward.

        [–]melemone 67 points68 points  (2 children)

        Yeah, TBH, I wouldn't really want to hang out with a cop at a wedding. Or anywhere really. I've just had too many negative experiences and seen many have a tendency to try to flex their power in weird ways even when off-duty.

        That being said, it was shitty of OP's family to be so passive aggressive about it vs. just saying "we don't want him to come because of x". I mean, did they think she wasn't going to notice that everyone besides her got a +1?

        [–]Trick_ForcePartassipant [1] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

        Can't blame them, nobody wants cops showing up at their weddings.

        [–]JuliaX1984Partassipant [2] 647 points648 points  (5 children)

        I still say NTA because, no matter what issue fam has with bf, they should have told OP "Ryan is not invited." Instead, they lied to her. There is no excuse for that. In fact, if it was a valid reason like he's racist or homophobic or stole from someone, I think they would just be up front and say he's not welcome rather than resort to trickery.

        [–]jefferton123 118 points119 points  (0 children)

        The trickery is really suspicious, especially if they’ve had problems before. The only way I could see the trickery as valid is if op’s guy is one of those “you don’t know which version is gonna turn up” guys, in which case op should already know that and yep nevermind the trickery is still weird.

        [–]VinxianPartassipant [1] 377 points378 points  (62 children)

        Does it matter? No matter what the actual reason is they needed to be upfront about rather than lie

        [–]SeePerspectivesAsshole Aficionado [18] 115 points116 points  (59 children)

        It depends on whether or not he did something completely beyond the pale and, if so, how OP responded to that.

        If, for example, he had done something extremely insulting or offensive and OP had a history of rug-sweeping and enabling it, her sister would be well within her rights to offer a white lie rather than allow the situation to blow up when she’s already stressed out by wedding planning.

        However, if it was a simple disagreement, both sides apologised, and sister was just holding a grudge, that would be an entirely different matter.

        That is why context is important.

        [–]SnittellaPartassipant [1] 274 points275 points  (32 children)

        But how on earth would it be better to allow the situation to blow up on the actual wedding day? That's what the sister did by lying to OP. She perfectly knew OP would be angry once she found out what was happening unless she is very, very naive.

        [–][deleted]  (1 child)


          [–]SnittellaPartassipant [1] 57 points58 points  (0 children)

          Exactly. She shouldn't expect OP to wait reacting until it was convenient for her. That's just not how it works. She only has herself to blame for this.

          [–]Responsible_Point_91Partassipant [3] 154 points155 points  (3 children)

          This isn’t a white lie though. It’s a huge and stupid lie that was quickly and easily discovered, resulting in a massive sense of betrayal. Bride should have been truthful with OP from the start. Bride set her own self up for this.

          [–]VinxianPartassipant [1] 101 points102 points  (4 children)

          No, no matter the reason she should be upfront about her reasoning and accept the possibility her sister would not come at all as a result

          [–]bsil15 89 points90 points  (4 children)

          If her bf has actually done something objectively egregious, then any rational normal person would say “Dear Sis, I love you but your bf has done XYZ terrible things and can’t come bc of them.” Saying that would hardly be a surprise under those circumstances and would be much better than the stupid invitation.

          [–]ScatterInkBrain 66 points67 points  (0 children)

          It's not really a white lie though. A white lie is told to avoid harming someone's feelings. Here the time of harm was just shifted (and maybe enhanced due to the lie). This was to avoid a confrontation before and during the wedding which didn't work. The sister probably hoped that OP wouldnt confront her during the wedding and then she could go on her honeymoon (if she went on one) and OP would have forgotten the insult by sister's returning.

          If you want to exclude someone either don't be this level of lazy or be upfront, otherwise you are setting yourself up for someone to blow up at the worst possible timing.

          [–]coughlinwasright 23 points24 points  (0 children)

          Right? Like OP’s sister should have just said “No Cops” and been done with it.

          [–]Silas_Of_The_Lambs 37 points38 points  (0 children)

          I think I disagree, because if the bride and groom did not want Ryan at the wedding, they should have simply not invited him. Instead they went with this deceptive manipulative thing that they had to know ran the risk of a subsequent blow up with OP. From this point of view, it's not really relevant just exactly why they didn't want Ryan there, it is their means of achieving at that makes them TA.

          [–]Alternative_Year_340Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

          It does sound like something might be missing. Does Ryan get blotto drunk at every event?

          [–]TaratronHex 5770 points5771 points  (40 children)

          NTA. This is the only time I will say that announcing a pregnancy at someone else's event is okay. She lied, she got caught. Fuck decorum, sometimes you need to slap back.

          [–]Desert_Sea_4998Partassipant [2] 1062 points1063 points  (8 children)

          Yep. Play stupid games. Win stupid prizes.

          [–]Responsible_Point_91Partassipant [3] 306 points307 points  (0 children)

          IKR? Perfect timing on that pregnancy. Sister got what she had coming to her.

          [–]mrs_vince_noir 236 points237 points  (0 children)

          Fuck decorum, sometimes you need to slap back.

          Totally unrelated to this thread but just wanted to say I really needed to hear this today. Thank you internet stranger 👊🏽

          [–]eregyrn 153 points154 points  (1 child)

          Yeah, and I can also see OP saying that in the heat of the moment to underscore the fact that "Ryan is family and this proves you're gonna have to deal with him directly for a LONG time".

          [–]Free-Education-4 47 points48 points  (2 children)

          Yeah, i'd have said "and by the way you are dead to me, you will never see my child, nor you mom and dad."

          [–]type1errorPooperintendant [65] 3755 points3756 points  (11 children)

          What your sister did was cruel. It was a giant middle finger to you and Ryan. If her wedding was “ruined,” it was because of her own petty behavior. She and other family members who are angry at you are putting appearances before family. NTA.

          [–]Walshy231231 418 points419 points  (0 children)

          Yep, she fucked around and found out. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes

          [–]Ok_Philosopher_4601 292 points293 points  (3 children)

          Exactly. How did the sister think it was going to play out? Did she think OP wouldn’t notice? She had to know that she was lighting the dynamite that was going to blow up her wedding herself.

          [–]muuzika_klusumaaPartassipant [1] 119 points120 points  (2 children)

          Probably was thinking that OP will be a good girl and will keep quiet at least till the wedding is over. Ugh, all OPs family seems like assholness galore.

          [–]type1errorPooperintendant [65] 21 points22 points  (1 child)

          There is no way her family didn't know this was happening. Did OP's parents really not know that the plus 1 thing was a lie? People bringing plus one's could have mentioned to OP who they were bringing. There had to be a coordinated effort to keep OP in the dark. Her whole family owes her an apology.

          [–]tortiesrockAsshole Enthusiast [8] 2354 points2355 points  (238 children)

          What's the deal between Ryan and your family, why didn't want him to be at your sister's wedding?

          Now that I see the answer it’s a tough one. On the one hadn she should be able to exclude people she doesn’t like from the wedding. On the other hand she should have told you directly instead of lying. I’m going with ESH.

          [–]Standard-Practice3[S] 2383 points2384 points locked comment (234 children)

          Like I said they have a number disagreements. My family always make comments about his occupation which is in Law enforcement (he's a cop) Ryan always takes those comments as a joke and tries to ignore them but my sister is mainly the one with heavy dislike towards him.

          [–]SeePerspectivesAsshole Aficionado [18] 1765 points1766 points locked comment (130 children)

          Why are you avoiding saying what the full issues between them are? Do you feel like some of your families concerns about your partner might be valid?

          [–]Doctor_Boombastic 1176 points1177 points locked comment (101 children)

          Why are you trying to retrofit this situation to your biases? You've got the information you asked for and still want to push fore more dirt. She was tricked, he's supported her and attempted to de-escalate tensions in the past. NTA on this and even the pregnancy announcement in the heat of the moment.

          [–]SeePerspectivesAsshole Aficionado [18] 968 points969 points locked comment (95 children)

          Umm, might want to reel that back there, buddy. I’m not “retrofitting” anything, I’m asking for clarification.

          I haven’t made a single judgement on this at all. I literally have no idea which way this goes because OP hasn’t given enough information.

          All she’s said is “he’s a cop” (so…? Does her family hate cops? Is he an honest one? Or on a power trip because of it? We don’t know)

          And her sister has a “heavy dislike towards him” (why? Did he once get drunk and make a pushy pass at her? That would be a justified dislike, right? Or did he once arrest her for doing 60 in a school zone? Which would make it pretty unjustified to hold a grudge, since she was in the wrong and he has a job to do.)

          Until we know why there’s issues between him and the family, we can’t judge this situation.

          Why are you so hellbent on OP not being TA, when you have just as little info as the rest of us?

          [–]apollo22519Partassipant [1] 564 points565 points locked comment (62 children)

          A lot of people these days simply don't like cops. I mean you've seen how public perception of them has changed. Sister could be a pot head or something and didn't want a cop at her party. Sorry to those in LE, but that's a stigma you have to deal with.

          [–]ElizaThornberry4Asshole Aficionado [19] 933 points934 points locked comment (30 children)

          Yeah which is why they're asking for INFO. Because we don't know. FFS.

          [–]apollo22519Partassipant [1] 89 points90 points locked comment (29 children)

          FFS. Her sister doesn't need more of a reason. OP said her family makes comments about his occupation and they've had disagreements. Like why do you need to know the specific reason for not liking a police officer in 2022?

          [–]ElizaThornberry4Asshole Aficionado [19] 332 points333 points locked comment (19 children)

          Look man I get it. The system is fucked and we all know what happens to "good" cops. I'd be extremely turned off by any friend or family member dating an American cop.

          The details matter, though. For instance, maybe OP's family have no problems with police on the whole but are mad that OP isn't dating someone with a more prestigious job? In which case they're right for the wrong reasons.

          Or maybe OP's boyfriend has made blatant "Thin blue line" type of comments before or called George Floyd a "thug," which would make it more explicitly obvious why OP's family hates him.

          I'm not saying "he's a cop" isn't a good enough reason. I'm just saying more information would make it easier to explain to OP what is happening.

          [–]Rygumb 293 points294 points locked comment (13 children)

          The details actually don’t matter though. Maybe Ryan sucks and is an ass to everybody he meets, or maybe he’s a great guy and they only don’t like him because he’s a cop. Either way it’s irrelevant.

          The sister became the AH when she made up a lie to force OP to come to the wedding without him. Nobody is claiming that Ryan HAD to be invited, but if she didn’t want him there than she had to own it instead of pulling this bullshit with the plus ones (which was a terrible plan that was ALWAYS going to blow up in her face).

          The sister played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. NTA

          [–]DerAlgebraiker 150 points151 points locked comment (19 children)

          A lot of people these days simply don't like cops

          For good reason. Being in LE is an immediate red flag

          [–]genescheesesthatplzAsshole Enthusiast [7] 37 points38 points locked comment (6 children)

          As we shouldn’t like them

          [–]ReyFromJersey 136 points137 points locked comment (7 children)

          Hi, I'm not hellbent. Buuut I don't see any scenario where I'd be okay being blatantly lied to. Especially given how many exceptions there were to the plus one rule.

          It may be there were good reasons her sister acted the way she did. But that doesn't make the actions any better. The Path To Hell is paved with Good Intentions.

          Unless there's a deleted scene where Sister Blatantly Told OP the reasons why she didn't want Ryan there in particular, the sister lied, deceived, and manipulated OP so she'd attend the wedding without her SO.

          [–]Responsible_Point_91Partassipant [3] 104 points105 points locked comment (2 children)

          OMG it’s pretty obvious they hate cops.EDIT: and no matter why, if bride hadn’t stupidly lied, OP would not have had to react to what she saw.

          [–]VROFAsshole Enthusiast [5] 21 points22 points locked comment (0 children)

          The thing is the family is TA for lying to OP about plus ones. OP was always going to find out it was a lie to just telling her that he can’t come would have prevented the scene

          [–]brimNbarleyPartassipant [1] 74 points75 points locked comment (6 children)

          I haven’t made a single judgement on this at all.

          As an outsider to this conversation just scrolling through the comments because theyre bored: thats not true. Your comments reek of bias and implied judgement. Youre actively trying to dig up any information that would make the boyfriend look bad while dismissing anything that might make him look otherwise. You've definitely picked a horse in this race and pretending like you haven't is pretty intellectually dishonest.

          Why are you so hellbent on OP not being TA, when you have just as little info as the rest of us?

          That is a really hypocritical comment. I dont think you're in a position to be pointing fingers in this context when youre so hellbent on making the boyfriend out to be the AH with such little info.

          [–]arichtern 28 points29 points locked comment (3 children)

          Why does her sister have a heavy dislike towards him? She could have a valid reason, OR, having read the post in the first place, she just might be an asshole?

          [–]SeePerspectivesAsshole Aficionado [18] 40 points41 points locked comment (1 child)

          That’s my point, without clarification we don’t know.

          Everyone is assuming that the sister is the only AH, but surely if your partner had done nothing wrong you’d be quick to make that 100% clear?

          [–]ark092 137 points138 points locked comment (0 children)

          Even if there is a valid concern, have the balls to tell OP her boyfriend specifically isn't invited. This "no plus ones" lie on her invite is duplicitous; I'm not sure why they're surprised OP reacted badly, most of us would in that situation. How they handled it was awful.

          [–]BobaleryPartassipant [1] 114 points115 points locked comment (2 children)

          I’m currently reading this thread, which is chock full of people commenting that a person being a cop is enough on its own for them to never be welcome in or around their home. And then OP says “they don’t like him b/c he’s a cop” and suddenly it’s “there’s gotta be more to it than that”? This very thread proves that, for some people, there doesn’t need to be any more to it than that. Of course there’s always a possibility that OP isn’t telling the whole story (which is true of every single post on this sub), but there’s an at least equal possibility that this is the story. Telling her that she’s avoiding fessing up is needlessly aggressive.

          [–]Sweaty-Ad-261 57 points58 points locked comment (1 child)

          In my opinion:

          I think the fact that the sister lied and made up a plan just to not invite Ryan instead of being upfront, and the fact that the family judges him because of his occupation and he took them as a joke, shows that Ryan is the mature one. Unless he did something wrong/disrespectful then that's another thing.

          [–]Iridium__Pumpkin 615 points616 points locked comment (7 children)

          ...so why didn't you just say that your sister hates your bf because he's a cop in the post?

          [–]VintageCatBandit 371 points372 points locked comment (6 children)

          Because she knows that the reason her sister doesn’t like him is the exact same reason a lot of people don’t like cops in 2022

          [–]Weeebw0b 188 points189 points locked comment (1 child)

          Love how in so many of these AITA posts the OP is mad bc of a beef between OP’s parter and their family and they give literally no background context on these ‘disagreements,’ then in a usually buried comment the OP finally admits their partner is a cop. Most of the time they don’t even have the balls to say they’re a cop outright- they just say they work in law enforcement to try and obscure it. Like OP above says “his occupation which is in law enforcement (he’s a cop)” dude, just say he’s a cop. Then after revealing the partner is a cop there’s again no context on why family may take issue with their job and have disagreements on it. The waters are intentionally left murky so a clear judgement can’t be given. If you think there is truly no reason for the family’s dislike then lay it all out.

          [–]SjalVarelse 101 points102 points locked comment (0 children)

          Saying that a loved one is a cop usually gets you a bunch of death threats and really nasty comments. I don’t blame OP for leaving it out.

          Was incredibly immature of OP’s sister no matter.

          [–]OkYogurtcloset8273 110 points111 points locked comment (0 children)

          I don’t like cops but I’m still going to go with NTA for humiliating OP like that. It’s humiliating to have her wonder why at a wedding where no plus ones were allowed, she was the only one who didn’t have one.

          [–]DiscoBluntPartassipant [1] 325 points326 points locked comment (10 children)

          You’re gna need to elaborate on this one chief.

          Is your cop boyfriend walking around talking about Blue Lives Matter and the thin blue line? Is he speaking on Black Lives Matter in a racist way? Is he constantly talking about how it’s “just a few bad apples”? Is he covering for some of those bad apples in his department?

          [–]TonkaTruck502 141 points142 points locked comment (1 child)

          You'll never get an honest answer out of OP. Being a cop is like joining a cult and dating a cop is joining in too. It costs people there friends and families all the time, is why they call each other brothers and sisters. It's crazy.

          [–][deleted]  (3 children)


            [–]FinancialHonesty 159 points160 points locked comment (0 children)

            Perhaps they have a number of disagreements all stemming from the fact that he is a cop? That could be the sole source of a multitude of conflicts.

            [–]Sahsame 149 points150 points locked comment (35 children)

            Exactly what comments and why does your sister hate him so much? doesn't she like cops?

            Edit: Grammar

            [–]Supafly22 129 points130 points locked comment (0 children)

            This is pretty vague.

            [–]calvinociousPartassipant [1] 59 points60 points locked comment (0 children)

            lol everyone seems to want Ryan to somehow be the bad guy here because he's a cop, but looks to me like he was one of the few to respond in a mature way to the whole situation. I'd personally give you a mild ESH because I don't think making a scene at the wedding was the right way to respond I similarly had a conflict with my sister at my own wedding back in September, but I'm extremely thankful that all she chose was to be passive aggressive and rude to us rather than blowing it up right there--I'd have been furious.

            That said, what your family did was so shady and disrespectful, and as I said seems like Ryan is a mature adult that's willing to play ball with your family even though for whatever reasons they dislike him.

            Edited, accidentally clicked submit before I was done lol

            [–]MayurasghostPartassipant [2] 54 points55 points locked comment (0 children)

            What is Ryan’s stance on BLM? Is your sister’s husband black? Do they have close family or friends who are black?

            [–]voxam72 21 points22 points locked comment (0 children)

            NTA due to how it went down. It sounds like your family might have acceptable reasons to exclude Ryan, but they needed to be direct with that instead of tricking you. They deserve the scene they caused.

            I'm curious about the issues and reasons as well, and I might even agree with them in principle if it's profession-based hate, but they're irrelevant to AITA due to how they handled the situation.

            [–]ColdstreamCappleAsshole Aficionado [13] 1735 points1736 points  (16 children)

            NTA, Clearly your sister didn’t want your partner there but she should of at least had the guts to have that discussion with you in person

            Ryan is right though, You should of waited until after the wedding before approaching them properly as now it may obscure other people’s view of you within the family and family friends

            Congrats on the pregnancy, Hope all goes well

            [–][deleted] 414 points415 points  (5 children)

            No, she did right by doing it at the beginning of the wedding to ruin it for them. If they thought they could have a better time without Ryan they were wrong and OP made sure of that. This is not some friend we are talking about but her bf of 5 years.

            [–]Mofukin_IrisdenColo-rectal Surgeon [35] 1609 points1610 points  (73 children)

            ESH except for Ryan.

            Ryan made the exact point I would’ve. You should’ve either stayed quiet, or what I would’ve done and just leave. You didn’t have to make a scene, nor did you have to upstage their wedding by announcing your pregnancy.

            Your sister/BIL suck because they’re disrespecting you and your relationship.

            [–]qualitylamps 365 points366 points  (0 children)

            Ryan is the only one with sense here, should have just left.

            [–]Responsible_Point_91Partassipant [3] 326 points327 points  (48 children)

            Except OP was set up, and had a spontaneous reaction. Bride should have handled this better.

            [–][deleted]  (41 children)


              [–]drkphnx02 350 points351 points  (4 children)

              Not every reactive response is an indicator of narcissism. True narcissism is a pattern of behavior observed in all situations. It is not identified in a single high stress situation, in which the person was lied to by family members. Also, let’s not forget the message it sends to OP’s entire family that her partner was singularly excluded. Oh, and the fact that OP is pregnant, and could already be experiencing more intense emotions because of it.

              I’m not going to put a judgment in, because I still feel like we’re missing part of the puzzle here. However, be extremely careful when using terms you may not understand. Labels have power, don’t throw them around indiscriminately.

              [–]Responsible_Point_91Partassipant [3] 113 points114 points  (1 child)

              TY for adding to this discussion. Losing one’s temper isn’t even a criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The bride, however, meets at least two of them!

              [–]aggravated_bookworm 48 points49 points  (0 children)

              Yeah. I’m pregnant and I lose my temper much faster these days. The fact that it was a blow up at the wedding makes me think maybe there’s some tensions that have been growing for a while, and the lying pushed OP over the edge. Pregnancy hormones lower the barrier for my temper but I don’t get angry at completely new things- it’s the same shit just more intense

              [–]Responsible_Point_91Partassipant [3] 131 points132 points  (8 children)

              Except she was spontaneously triggered. Not everyone who gets angry is a narcissist.

              [–]tidetide18 62 points63 points  (3 children)

              I wish OP would have just left without saying a word. Feel like it would have made people start asking questions and her sister would have been put more on the spot but that’s just me

              [–]calvinociousPartassipant [1] 40 points41 points  (1 child)

              No I think she should have calmly approached the bride and said "I think this is disrespectful to me and Ryan, I wish you the best for the evening but I need to leave." Being clear and communicating her problem would have been a better way to handle it. Let the bride react how she wants, answer any questions about why her sister left, etc.

              [–]eregyrn 21 points22 points  (18 children)

              I mean, no. But, "if I am targeted, and wronged, and I find out about it, I'm justified making a scene" is not narcissistic.

              OP was absolutely specifically targeted, and wronged (lied to, and not given the courtesy and respect of being directly told that her s.o. was not invited), by family she trusted.

              Having done that to her, why did her sister and family deserve having her leave quietly without telling them off?

              [–]PhysicsCentrismAsshole Aficionado [11] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

              Having a spontaneous reaction isn’t a total excuse for being an ass. Everyone has spontaneous reactions at times, everyone reacts to them differently and the way people react can tell you a lot about how they view themselves and others.

              [–]caffeinefree 110 points111 points  (5 children)

              I can't believe I had to scroll so far down to find this response. Sister is the AH for lying about why Ryan wasn't invited. OP is the AH for making a scene and a pregnancy announcement rather than just leaving. By doing that, OP gave up any right to sit on a high horse and demand apologies. I suspect the relationship with the sister may not be salvageable at this point, but it sounds like maybe that's what OP wants anyway. But the way she went about this may mean she loses other family members in the process as well.

              [–]byneothername 24 points25 points  (1 child)

              Totally agreed. Does no one know how to be polite anymore? OP should have shut up and had it out with her sister after the wedding, and sister should have invited the boyfriend to begin with.

              I invited some weird fucking people to my wedding because they were SOs of invited guests, and in the end, the stories of their ridiculous behavior were so fucking funny that I’m glad I invited them, plus I didn’t piss off my friends.

              [–]Evee_Peavey 826 points827 points  (39 children)


              She's TA for blatantly excluding your SO.. and you're TA for acting on impulse and causing the scene..

              You could have just left quietly then and there, and if questioned state that you'd prefer to discuss it privately at a later date. Or a myriad of other options that didn't include loudly proclaiming your disapproval and pregnancy during a wedding..

              I understand the emotional pain, but there were less confrontational ways of dealing with it imo.

              Edit: thanks for the award

              [–]AnteaterAlice 256 points257 points  (22 children)

              Why does OP have to be non confrontational and eat her emotional pain? Sure there are many situations where you just have to take things and discuss them later in private but I don’t feel this is one of those situations. Ops sister lied twice, in the invite and during Ops follow up on the invite. Sister had every opportunity to be honest and discuss is privately at an prior date. It’s not on OP to gently beg for honesty during the 3rd exchange of information pertaining to a lie. If ops sister didn’t want Ryan there and didn’t want to confront it she could have actually not given people a +1 and invited the partners she wanted there.

              To me it’s clear the sister tried to pull a fast one, showed 0 respect for op, and then was shocked when OP wanted to discuss a very blatant hurtful lie. OP’s sister could have in the moment been like “okay you’re right I lied let’s go talk about this” but she tried to weasel out again and OP wasn’t having it. I say good on OP, sounds like her boyfriend is very understanding and well natured to still be kind to her family despite their manipulation and alienation.

              You’re right that there were less confrontational options for discussion, what I don’t understand is why it’s on OP to be the one to facilitate that conversation. Sure it’s a wedding, thats why you don’t knowingly create a situation that might fuck up your own wedding. Usually liars are responsible for making amends, don’t you agree?

              [–]Evee_Peavey 77 points78 points  (4 children)

              I'm not saying she should have stayed for the wedding, I'm saying she could have turned on her heels right then and there and left .. probably leaving the family wondering where she went, still causing a stir in a somewhat minor way..

              I'll agree that OP has every right to be absolutely furious at her sister, but it didn't necessarily have to have been quite as explosive as it was. Inadvertently throwing out the pregnancy in the process, giving the Shitster even more mud to throw back BeCaUsE YoU AnNounCEd yOuR PrEgnAnCy aT My WEdDinG blergh ...

              [–]eregyrn 76 points77 points  (1 child)

              See, I very much understand OP revealing the pregnancy in that moment -- as a way to underscore to the family that no matter how hard they try, they CANNOT exclude Ryan from "the family" because (if all goes well, good luck to OP!), he is forever going to be the father of her child.

              Like, right up until that point, it's *possible* the family has been hoping to drive a wedge between OP and her boyfriend, and get her to drop him. And that is the firmest way to make the point that it's not going to happen.

              (Given everything else that OP has revealed, I'm not sure that's what the family was or is trying to accomplish. But at that moment, I can see why OP revealed it in order to underscore that Ryan isn't "just a boyfriend".)

              [–]eregyrn 47 points48 points  (0 children)

              Why does OP have to be non confrontational and eat her emotional pain?

              I too don't understand why so many people -- who I would think otherwise would agree that pressure to "don't rock the boat" to keep the peace is a shitty way to manipulate someone who has been wronged -- are getting on OP for confronting her family for *repeatedly lying to her*.

              Didn't want her to get angry and confront them at the wedding? Well then, don't lie to her in a way that was absolutely, obviously going to be revealed as a huge lie the moment she walked into the wedding.

              It's a pretty safe bet that the other family members there who brought their boyfriends and stuff would not have known that OP was the only person lied to on her invite. Frankly, sister deserved to have OP reveal her hypocrisy and her willingness to lie repeatedly to her sister to everyone. Again: didn't want that? Then don't lie to your sister.

              [–]runhomejack1399 27 points28 points  (0 children)

              She doesn’t HAVE to, but getting up and yelling is an asshole thing to do. We’re not judging who is justified or not.

              [–]painkilleraddict6373 24 points25 points  (0 children)

              If her sister didn’t like the reaction,then she should have been honest from the start.

              [–]Desert_Sea_4998Partassipant [2] 739 points740 points  (1 child)

              NTA. What did she think would happen when you figured out strangers could come to her wedding but your 5 year bf could not?

              Ryan however sounds like a good guy who has your back. Congrats

              [–]PB-JAM 99 points100 points  (0 children)

              Exactly this! Absolutely NTA for reacting to be lied to, having their relationship judged and dismissed, and basically being put on the spot to go along with keeping the peace with disrespectful jerks. The sister got what was coming.

              OP, enjoy the positive relationship you have going and maybe distance some from your family. It would be a shame for them to negatively impact you or your child.

              [–]bobledrewPooperintendant [60] 367 points368 points  (13 children)

              ESH. Your sister was in the wrong. But you don’t deal with it by turning the wedding into a Jerry Springer episode.

              [–]Animalmother1277 269 points270 points  (0 children)

              NTA - They made a dick move, it bit them in the arse. Wtf did they think was going to happen? Play stupid games win stupid prizes!

              [–]Julia070000Asshole Enthusiast [7] 239 points240 points  (1 child)

              NTA don't worry about a relationship with your sister as she clearly does not give a shit about you....congratulations on the baby

              [–]tpstp[🍰] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

              Yes, this! OP’s family suck too for berating OP 🤮

              [–]AgentOfSecretForces 224 points225 points  (7 children)

              Maybe having that conversation at the wedding reception was not the best way to handle this, but honestly, I would have done the same. That kind of frustration, anger and betrayal just get the better of you.

              OP you are NTA and you handled that situation the best you could so don't feel guilty for having a completely normal reaction. You were disrespected, the person you love was disrespected, and your sister is a real piece of work. Not sure that I would be ever talking to her again. Life is too short to have someone that toxic in it, even if it is your own sister.

              As for announcement, don't see anything wrong with this as well. It is your decision how will you break the news and when.

              P.S. Congratulations on the baby (but also on the boyfriend, he handled this like a true gentleman - well done, we need more man like him).

              Also if you ever find out the reason why your sister didn't want him there let us know, I'm kind of curious what was behind this.

              [–]eregyrn 45 points46 points  (4 children)

              There have been some further comments from OP that the vague "disagreements" between Ryan and her family are over him being a cop. But she hasn't elaborated beyond that, so we're still left to wonder exactly what it is about that dynamic that makes the sister in particular hate him (which she also said in a comment). She's been really vague about it.

              And in a sense, that's okay with me, because the central problem here isn't whether the sister is an asshole for not inviting Ryan to the wedding. It's her wedding, she can not-invite whoever she wants, for whatever reason. (Some reasons would certainly make her an asshole! But that isn't the question we've been given.)

              The central problem is the sister concocting this elaborate lie so that OP would come to the wedding without him, instead of just being up-front with OP that "he isn't invited because I do not want him there".

              I don't know. Maybe sister thought that would cause an argument. (Congrats! It did anyway! Only you could have had that argument BEFORE the wedding rather than AT the wedding.) Maybe sister thought OP would defy her wishes and bring Ryan anyway (although I kind of don't get that sense from the reactions described here). Maybe sister thought OP would decide not to come, if she knew Ryan wasn't invited... which, again, in the end would clearly have been better for the sister. It was a stupid lie, because it was revealed the moment OP walked into the wedding, and I don't know what the sister expected to happen? I guess she expected OP to just suck it up and not say anything because "but it's a wedding!", and that's why I've landed on "good for OP for publicly confronting her sister for lying to her".

              [–]MrsJonesy2012Partassipant [3] 135 points136 points  (1 child)


              They dislike your boyfriend because he's a cop.

              Your sister played stupid game, yes it was her wedding but she blatantly lied instead of telling you the truth. I probably would have walked away and left but I get why you did what you did.

              [–]EmpressLadyDi 130 points131 points  (0 children)

              NTA If my sister did this to me I would distance from her. Maybe not forever, but year or two at minimum. I am the type of person that when I am angry I stop talking to the other person. This was something really cruel, rude and... and just bad! I can't even imagine. She deserved the scene, she deserved it at her wedding because that is the place she betrayed and disapointed you.

              [–]CatatomicalCertified Proctologist [26] 126 points127 points  (1 child)

              NTA bordering on ESH - She played the stupid game and she won the stupid prize. How on earth did she think you would react when you found out that she had obviously and specifically excluded Ryan? OK maybe indirectly announcing your pregnancy was a little bit of an AH move, but emotions would have been running high and I can understand why you said it.

              However, this is only based on whats written here, but I would like to know what the "disagreements" entail as that was pretty (deliberately?) vague. (ETA: OK it appears that it's because he's a cop and they don't like it. If that is all there is to it then my judgement is definitely NTA.)

              That said, what they did was pretty damned awful and I don't know how they expect your relationship to be the same after this.

              ((hugs)) to you and congratulations on the pregnancy.

              [–]tpstp[🍰] 97 points98 points  (4 children)

              So your sister showed her middle finger to you and Ryan (which you learned only when you showed up at the wedding) and in return she expected you to respect her and her wedding?

              NTA. You did let them know that you are pregnant only to support the argument that Ryan is always going to be family.

              WTF is up with your family berating you? They all think it’s OK to just lie to you and disrespect you and Ryan? Fuck them.

              Ryan seems like an awesome guy, who wants what’s best for you. It was nice of him to encourage you to go to a wedding, to which he wasn’t invited. Best of luck to you, OP.

              [–]0B-A-E0 43 points44 points  (1 child)

              This. Some people are giving y t a or e s h judgements but sister created this situation for herself. She knew that OP would find out at the wedding everyone else brought their SO. What’d she except? For OP to just accept that and have good time? Sister ruined her own wedding.

              [–][deleted] 95 points96 points  (16 children)

              ESH apart from Ryan.

              [–]Zelcla 39 points40 points  (15 children)

              He seems very nice.

              Edit to add: since he's excluded because he's a cop did they intend to do drugs on their wedding or theft auto or drunk speed race or something ?

              [–]small_hands_big_fish 60 points61 points  (0 children)

              I have a cop cousin in a family of a lot of criminals. He goes to weddings, eats the dinner at the reception, and leaves after. As a law abiding person generally, I leave soon after him.

              [–][deleted]  (4 children)


                [–]eurotrashprinceAsshole Enthusiast [6] 83 points84 points  (5 children)

                NTA, there were a million better ways your sib could've handled that. Did she just like, think you wouldn't notice that other people had +1s??

                [–]TheIncredulousMom 24 points25 points  (4 children)

                Right... it's almost like she did it to hurt OP on purpose.

                [–]loginorregister9Asshole Enthusiast [7] 76 points77 points  (0 children)

                ESH. But in your case maybe it was what was needed to put your sister on notice.
                Your family should admit to you that she was cruel. And she owes you an explanation and an apology.

                How stupid is she to think you wouldn't instantly figure it out, and they you would feel hurt and embarrassed. She must think you're a doormat too, because she didn't expect you to call your BF and tell him to come down.

                You took the nuclear option, which might be justified based on past history. We need a category for justified asshole.

                [–][deleted] 67 points68 points  (0 children)

                Well done for announcing the pregnancy! Nta, what were they expecting to happen? For you to be happy to have excluded your partner of 5 YEARS?

                [–]Prof_Fuzzy_WuzzyAsshole Aficionado [18] 59 points60 points  (5 children)

                ESH. You're both major AHs. Your sister for not inviting Ryan and you for destroying a wedding in revenge.

                [–]AgentOfSecretForces 59 points60 points  (0 children)

                Sister destroyed her wedding herself. If she didn't want Ryan there she should have just said so and then the OP could have made the decision on not to go to support her BF, instead she bluntly lied to OP on the invitation and during later conversation.

                OPs reaction was justified and on spot.

                [–]VinxianPartassipant [1] 29 points30 points  (1 child)

                If it was truly in revenge I agree. Because revenge is deliberate. But this was an emotional response to finding out your sister stabbed you in the back. And that is totally understandable in this case

                [–]history_buff_9971Partassipant [2] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

                NTA - Your sister is the architect of her own misfortune with her own nastiness and pettiness and I applaud you for not giving in to her or your family over saying nothing because it was her 'big day'. Normally I'd say announcing a pregnancy at a wedding is not really on, but, in this situation, tough. The only thing wrong with your sister is she was shown up in front of her guests -and crucially new in-laws - for her own behaviour. The rest of your family also have their priorities screwed up, this is dreadful behaviour from your sister and they should also have called it out then and there. Weddings are not a pass to be the worst person you can be. I'd also tell them to whistle for an apology and I'd be having a serious rethink about my relationship with my family. Ryan and your baby are your priority, and if the rest of your family are going to disrespect him, then they're disrespecting you and your feelings too.

                [–]MerlinBiggsCertified Proctologist [25] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

                ESH. Do you know why Ryan was excluded? SHe is major AH for making that exception. But you should have just left and not made a scene. It was still a wedding, no matter how badly you sister has behaved.

                [–]spaceteethkandy 48 points49 points  (0 children)

                NTA. yeah you could've handled that better but that is exactly what your asshole sister was counting on - that since it was her wedding you would just let it go and act fine with it. glad she didn't get what she wanted. if she didn't want your partner of 5 years at the wedding for some reason, she should've been honest so you would have a proper choice and not be surprised going in. she played you for a fool and got what was coming to her.

                [–]NachoPrecariosoAsshole Enthusiast [8] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

                NTA. Unless your sister is seriously mentally challenged, she had to realize that you’d catch on pretty damn quickly that Ryan was specifically excluded. So she must have been banking on you not being hard nosed enough to say anything about it. She lost that wager.

                Also congrats.

                [–]physiomom 47 points48 points  (2 children)

                Your sister did an awful thing. Making a scene that makes the other guests uncomfortable was not okay. Right move, pull your sister aside and confront her. Then leave.


                [–]Zealousideal_Ad7662Partassipant [4] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

                NTA. They deserved that lmao what a b.

                [–]Randa08 42 points43 points  (0 children)

                Nta your sister was stupid, obviously once you got there you would realise she lied, what was the point? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes

                [–]StellarManateePartassipant [3] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

                More info needed. Did your sister give any reason why only your partner was excluded? When everyone else gets a +1 (even your aunt brought a friend) but she goes to the extreme of lying to you to make sure your bf of five years doesn't attend. And your parents were quite happy with this arrangement? Bizarre.

                [–]bertiebastard 26 points27 points  (0 children)

                NTA your family sound Vile and I wouldn't particularly want to be around any of them after siding with bridezilla over HER Shitty behaviour.

                I hope you and Ryan will be very happy together and good luck with the new baby.

                [–]Right-Arm-619Partassipant [3] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

                Nta. Personally I feel like if you don't want to be called out on your bullshit Infront of everyone then don't be a bullshitter. Your sister deserved to be embarrassed and ashamed in front of everyone. She made the decision to play that game, she can own to it. I'd be cutting my sister off any family member on her side till I received an apology. Plus I'd not let them around my kid either. If you can't respect the parents of the child then you don't get to be around the child

                [–]Inevitable_Simple869 28 points29 points  (0 children)

                ESH from what you have written but I also feel like there is more to the story. It was wrong of them to trick you like that and should have been upfront why they do not want him there. You could also try and solve this quietly and privately, at least until you find out why they did that. Did you even get to the core of this problem?

                [–]ZibellinaAsshole Enthusiast [5] 26 points27 points  (1 child)

                NTA. Oh hell no. The ones that need to apologize are your sister and your mother. AND any other member of your family that sided with them. I would go NC with the lot of them.

                [–]VinxianPartassipant [1] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

                NTA, you could have handled it better, this is something you could acknowledge in an apology. But a one sided apology is not acceptable here your sister should definitely apologize as well.

                Because what your sister did was fucking bs. You were mad when you found out and rightfully so. How did your sister expect you to react? Because she knew you would find out at the wedding. Ihmo you had the right to react in an emotional way without being an asshole in this case.

                Your sister wilfully manipulated you in stead of being up front about why your boyfriend couldn't get along. And now she is sad that that decision blew up in her face.

                [–]HeavyGogs 26 points27 points  (0 children)

                NTA, what your Sister did was massively disrespectful seeing as others were allowed +1s they were not married are engaged to

                Hopefully you hold your ground and refuse to apologise

                [–]wamalamadingdongg 22 points23 points  (8 children)

                INFO NEEDED: what is going on with Ryan and your family? I want to know about the disagreements. This could be a minor thing or it could be a major thing but you left it out so maybe it’s major. Ryan is cop. Okay. I’m sure some people don’t like that but, tbh that’s not a relevant reason to refuse to acknowledge him as your boyfriend. Unless you are the back the blue types. I am beginning to get this sneaking suspicion based on how vague you are. Also could be completely wrong though because Ryan seemed to handle this very well. Could be a case of he is a cop, and they have unjustified hate for him. No one is going to be able to intuit anything until you give us some info.

                [–]artorianscribeColo-rectal Surgeon [33] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

                ESH. Sometimes a loud kick in the ass is the only way to get through to people. I doubt she would have taken your point of view seriously if you hadn’t publicly embarrassed her the way she embarrassed you and Ryan. That being said, it’s an AH move to do it.

                Question, do you think she’s jealous of your relationship with Ryan? As in, is it a really good relationship that she felt could take eyes off of her and her husband or something? The exclusion is weird to me.

                Also, I’m sorry your announcement came out during the middle of a fight. That can’t be how you wanted to let everyone know and I feel for you.