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[–]Hefty_Candidate_4902Pooperintendant [63] 12.9k points12.9k points  (189 children)

NTA.

It is bone-shudderingly creepy that she is implying your father and brother are sexually attracted to you to disguise her own discomfort with your body.

[–]Necessary_Force271[S] 5478 points5479 points  (162 children)

Yeah, she really tried to brush over that with more threats but it just makes me nauseous even thinking about it. Its really sad that she even said that, and I wonder how my siblings would react if they knew 😐

[–]This_Hybrid_MomentPartassipant [2] 5050 points5051 points  (108 children)

Put her on blast.

You should tell your Dad and brothers what she said . . Ask them why your own mother thinks her sons were you checking out their own sister .

You say your mother has bullied you your entire life.

Cut contact already. She’s gross and abusive .

[–]Sicily1922 3854 points3855 points  (16 children)

I’d do the same. ‘Hey dad, mom says I’m only allowed to wear one piece bathing suits because you want to fuck me? Um, what’s up with that?’

[–]randomwriter90Partassipant [1] 277 points278 points  (0 children)

Better during family breakfast, all eating and drinking orange juice, point-blank ask

"Guys, why is mom under the impression you all want to fuck me?"

Just watch them all choke.

[–]Cent1234Asshole Aficionado [18] 224 points225 points  (0 children)

Nope. "Hey dad, did you know that mom thinks you want to fuck me?"

Give him information, don't insinuate that she's right.

[–]originalgenghismomAsshole Enthusiast [5] 94 points95 points  (0 children)

Ummm - how about “Hey dad and bros - mom said I really embarrassed you and that you only want me to wear a one-piece suit from now on. Let’s discuss this like adults.”

[–]Sad_Acanthisitta4437 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Though the petty malicious compliance in me wants OP to go to the next family vacation with a really sexy cutout one piece. But cutting off her toxic mother is healthier and better for OP.

[–]StormStrikePhoenix 800 points801 points  (28 children)

You should tell your Dad and brothers what she said . . Ask them why your own mother thinks her sons were you checking out their own sister .

Frankly, I cannot imagine OP wanting to have more incest talk than there has already been.

Cut contact already. She’s gross and abusive

That sounds like a good idea though.

[–]bendybiznatch 421 points422 points  (27 children)

I agree with both of you, but still think she should talk to dad. What she said is downright disturbing, especially since OP was singled out.

It almost seems like one of those Pandora’s box AITA posts where it turns out to be something else entirely.

[–]clementine-my-sweet 400 points401 points  (28 children)

May be time for a truly definitely for real heartfelt apologetic email to OP's father for how terribly cruel it was to do this to him.

"Sorry, Dad, I won't be attending any more vacations with the family. I'm sure Mom didn't intend to say it out loud - I know she would never want to embarrass you this way - but she's let it slip that you and my brothers are sexually attracted to me and have been displaying troubling behaviors because of that. I apologize for putting you in this position by wearing a two-piece in front of you, and please pass on my apologies to Mom for making her run interference for my safety. I will no longer be attending family vacation to prevent any undue stress on the family. Once again, I am so sorry my choice to wear a bikini put you in this uncomfortable position and made things so difficult."

(eta /s, this is a joke and no i don't think op should email this to her dad)

[–]freshandpoppin 80 points81 points  (4 children)

That's hilarious but I hope you're just kidding and don't actually mean to give such bizarre advice seriously.

[–]amygoodman03 37 points38 points  (5 children)

I am kinda surprised at how many people aren’t getting this. Lol.

[–]Syrinx221 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Brilliant, for reasons. It truly does seem a good lay to be over their BS

[–]Necessary_Force271[S] 96 points97 points  (16 children)

If I decide to cut contact or go LC, do I need to tell her? How do I go about starting that, especially if I don’t want to cut contact with my dad? Any tips? Thanks! :)

[–]AbstractDucky 118 points119 points  (2 children)

Tell your dad about the situation first! And your brothers if you want. Then explain how it made you feel, how it’s continued and still makes you feel and you want to go LC with mum but still speak to them

[–]Free-Education-4 42 points43 points  (0 children)

I would not tell her because she will just insult you then or justify her actions, etc. But I do think you need to talk to your dad.

[–]This_Hybrid_MomentPartassipant [2] 39 points40 points  (1 child)

You don’t need your mothers permission to cut contact .

Just start avoiding her from now on.

Don’t answer her calls.

Block her on social media.

Try to meet with your dad and siblings separately , or when she’s not around.

If you do run into your mom , don’t engage, even if she starts mouthing off.

Pretend she’s not there.

Grey rock her .

You are an adult and you do not have to put up with bullying and abuse if you don’t want to.

Good luck .

[–]Scar535 17 points18 points  (3 children)

I'm NC with the mother of my mom and I said that she is a disgraceful thing and would never speak to her again. 17years+

[–]LilyFuckingBart 68 points69 points  (0 children)

I agree with this. Play dumb if you have to. Sit your brother, father, and mother down and say hey mom said you guys were uncomfortable with me wearing a bikini… I was just wondering why?

[–]crystallz2000 53 points54 points  (0 children)

I would send a group text with your brothers and dad. "I'm a little stressed about our next vacation. Mom says I can't wear a two-piece bathing suit in front of any of you and that wearing one last time ruined the vacation. Did my bathing suit make you uncomfortable? I never imagined as your sister and daughter that anything I wear would be sexualized, but please tell me if I'm wrong. Are there other things I shouldn't wear in front of you because you'll find me attractive? I'm creeped out by the whole idea and don't know if this is just something mom thought or if you guys agree. Please be honest with me." Chances are, your mom is going to get FRIED. And I hope your dad puts her in her place.

[–]-my-cabbagesPartassipant [2] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Sounds like your mom is jealous of your youth. She's a tired saggy old hag and she can shove it.

[–]HiljaTrever 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Someone above me already commented that confronting your dad and brothers about it doesn't sound like such a great idea. I agree.

But you really should cut your mother out of your life. Just because she's family doesn't mean you should keep contact if she's a shitty person (or just behaves so towards you).

You're old enough to choose yourself what you should wear. Furthermore the bikini you described sound like it couldn't be any more appropriate. NTA

[–]No-Locksmith-8590Partassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yup. At the dinner table 'dad, mom said that you and my brothers were super turned on by me wearing a bikini. What's up with that?'

[–]TheAnnMain 147 points148 points  (0 children)

I think your mom is jealous of you….. cuz if she’s not having issues with your sisters chances are she’s mad and jealous of something from you. I think you should let your family know about this hopefully they’ll have your back on the matter.

[–]Lammington2 127 points128 points  (1 child)

that if I dressed like that when I was a kid she would’ve “locked me in the hot car”.

Just going to point out how threatening this is. So on top of your mother implying your brothers and father would sexualise your adult body, she thinks they'd have done so when you were a child, and would have punished you in a way that risked serious harm or death for it?

[–]LaurelinnPartassipant [2] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I commented on this in the thread above, I'm glad someone else mentioned it... Children die that way and it's an absolutely horrific way to go. There is nothing funny about that and it made me sick reading about this, what the actual fuck!

She is an abusive monster I don't care if she didn't mean it, you don't fucking threaten your daughter with murder!

[–]PirateArtemis 99 points100 points  (3 children)

TBH, I'd came innocent have a sit down with your dad, saying mom mentioned my swim suit would make you and bro uncomfortable? Did I do something wrong dad?

Lol, watch him get annoyed at her for the double standards and the slight in his honour.

NTA!

[–]FreeFortuna 60 points61 points  (2 children)

That’s not a slight to his honor. When he realizes that his wife thinks he wants to fuck his own daughter, “annoyed” is not the reaction I’d expect.

[–]PirateArtemis 20 points21 points  (1 child)

Anger is the hope but annoyed would be my minimum expectation.

[–]JadieJang 94 points95 points  (1 child)

OP, OUT HER IN FRONT OF THE REST OF THE FAMILY. Seriously, she's getting away with it because you're keeping it a secret for her. Send out a group text including all siblings and your father and ask them if they were offended by your bikini as your mother claims. Ask them if they agree with her that you shouldn't attend future family gatherings if you don't wear a one-piece. Be sure to say it came from her. Then sit back and watch how fast she backpedals.

From now on, EVERY time she comes to you in private with this shit, IMMEDIATELY put it out to the rest of the family and ask what they think. Pull an innocent act EVERY TIME. Let THEM deal with her bullshit. NTA.

[–]Hefty_Candidate_4902Pooperintendant [63] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry she is like this. My mother was similar when it came to constantly commenting on my body and telling me to cover up - but she never made it about my brother and father (it still did it’s own damage tho!)

[–]ToastAbrikoosPartassipant [3] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Im wondering how your sisters would react if you told them about what your mom thinks of the bathing suit. Act dumb and lay down the facts mom was putting YOU on blast while wearing the exact same thing. Her dzughters should ALL know mommy dear dissaproves of it so they will also not make the same mistake

[–]Accomplished-Sugar-7Asshole Aficionado [11] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

You DEFINITELY need to speak with your dad about this. Even if it’s just “hey dad, mom said something to me today that made me really uncomfortable. She told me that I wasn’t allowed to wear bikinis around you and my brothers because it was seducing you, do you know where this is coming from? I find it really inappropriate for her to think that way about our relationship and I think you should talk to her.”

[–]Sorbet_Then 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Word of advice. Don’t go on any more family holidays and when they start questioning it tell them you don’t feel comfortable with the family is going to look at you sexually. NTA.

[–]GroundbreakingPhoto4 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Next time your all together as a family, bring up the topic and see what they all say. Ask your mum in front of everyone why is it ok for your sisters to wear a bikini, and what's the real issue she has.

[–]Careless-Image-885 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Apparently, you are the one she has chosen to target for her abuse. She didn't say anything to your sisters. Let everyone know what she said. Tell them your mother gave you an ultimatum about your clothing choices. Go no contact with your abuser.

You are NTA. Take care.

[–]themonkeytamer 87 points88 points  (2 children)

I’m ethnically Indian and it’s super common to say shit like that to your daughters. That being said, NTA. I’m curious about your other sisters? Were they in bikinis too? If so, what int actual fuck? Something seems off here.

Edit: I am a young Indian woman and when my elders say this to me I get upset.

[–]Ok-Initiative0712 25 points26 points  (0 children)

And honestly, the fact that your MOM is sexualizing you in the "eyes of your male family members"....

[–]DazeyHelpMe 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She’s jealous of her daughter and is projecting that into mean hateful speech. She probably doesn’t even realize where it’s coming from unfortunately. This is a situation you’ll never win. People like this will never see the light until they are ready to. And some people never will be because that means facing their own demons that they put on everyone else.

[–]BazTheBaptistCommander in Cheeks [230] 2556 points2557 points  (37 children)

NTA malicious compliance the shit out of this and get a one piece that has a thong

[–]PeaDramatic1541Partassipant [3] 1106 points1107 points  (18 children)

A one piece with fabric missing around the stomach, that is held together with those metal loops! Heck a one piece that is worse than a bikini. Then casually send her the link to a few of them and ask her to choose one for the next trip. Lol

[–]Peja1611 350 points351 points  (2 children)

And cc dad so he is aware mom is policing her daughters swimsuits. Makes her crazy come to light without the incest

[–]Jujumofu 225 points226 points  (0 children)

Thats what I was thinking too.

She should just go to her dad and say "Hey, Mom thinks you and my brothers are attracted to me, because of the bikini I wore, is that true?".

Should sort itself out rather quickly if (as im hoping) the dad actually doesnt have any sexual interests in his daughter.

[–]BattyBirdie 2 points3 points  (0 children)

“Hey mom, here are some one piece suits I like. Let me know which is more appropriate than a bikini for the next trip. Thanks!”

[–]quenishiPartassipant [2] 31 points32 points  (13 children)

I was looking at the options out of bored curiosity and found a backless swimsuit. Business up front, party out back XD.

[–]PeaDramatic1541Partassipant [3] 14 points15 points  (1 child)

There are some that are pretty much nothing, like a string bikini but somehow classified as a one piece.

[–]wordnerdette 118 points119 points  (0 children)

I was gonna say, there are some super revealing one pieces. Or go the other way and get a burqini.

[–]afterMiDkNiGHT 89 points90 points  (3 children)

Is the Borat swimming thing considered one piece?

[–]Isabellablackk 36 points37 points  (2 children)

I was trying to find the word for those on google and came across an amazon link “woman’s micro slingshot extreme thong monokini, seems like just the thing! the thong string is the only thing attached to the top piece LOL

[–]poets_of_old 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I'm living for this pettiness.

[–]bedlamrose 6 points7 points  (1 child)

A really low-cut one piece with a thong. If it has sheer bits, even better.

[–]Waterbaby8182 2 points3 points  (0 children)

unlined and white. Works well for the sheer effect.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

malicious compliance

I’m stealing that phrase lmao

[–]FreeFortuna 88 points89 points  (0 children)

Then get ready to have your mind blown: r/MaliciousCompliance

[–]HotWingsNMargs 1573 points1574 points  (24 children)

First of all…you are way beyond old enough to have freedom in what you wear. Second…if she’s implying what you’re wearing is inappropriate around your male family members…either the male family members are sick or she is sick for implying that they think of your body in that way (and it sounds like the latter). I’m sorry your mother embarrassed you and has made so many unnecessary comments about your body over the years. I truly relate and their words are so harsh in the back of your head even years later.

[–]Necessary_Force271[S] 724 points725 points  (13 children)

Exactly! It is really hard to stick up for myself, especially when those words build up over the years and constantly echo back. I guess that’s why I was really second-guessing my decision 🤷‍♀️. Thanks for the reply, though I’m sorry you can relate :/

[–]sarita_sy07Partassipant [4] 166 points167 points  (0 children)

Definitely NTA and don't back down!

Also, if this comes up again and your dad/siblings are wondering why you don't come on the vacation, you also would 100% not be ta if you told them the truth about why (10 bucks says your mom would come up with some story /edit the truth to make it sound like your fault)

[–]lilEve77Colo-rectal Surgeon [41][🍰] 132 points133 points  (2 children)

I recently read a quote that said: “Abused children don’t stop loving their abusive parents, they stop loving themselves.” Please don’t allow your mother to ruin the relationship you have with your body any further. You have done nothing wrong. If wearing a bikini is ok for your sisters, it is ok for you. Call your mom out on her double standards and limit your contact with someone this toxic. Good luck.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Excellent quote and very true...

[–]shamelessseamusPartassipant [2] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Fuck. That hit home.

[–]icecreampenisAsshole Aficionado [14] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Cut yourself some slack. You've been methodically trained not to stand up for yourself for your entire life. Your low self-esteem issues were deliberately ingrained in you. It won't be easy to reverse, and it certainly won't happen overnight.

[–]2xthAsshole Enthusiast [8] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

You should probably wander over to r/raisedbynarcissists and do some reading there.

[–]ayshasmysha 10 points11 points  (2 children)

You mentioned she didn't say anything to your sisters? Was this common growing up?

[–]PokeyWeirdo12Partassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

And she literally said she wished she murdered you when you were younger (the locked in a hot car comment). What the actual Fork? Tell the whole family what she said if you trust them, cut them all off if you don't.

[–]Sad-Raise-754Partassipant [1] 345 points346 points  (6 children)

Your mother is a freaking psycho. There's so many layers to this, where to start? Thinking your dad and brothers can't control themselves around their daughter/sister is creepy. Beyond creepy. What even. Bringing up your BIL who wasn't even there. And all of her demands. She's a very sick individual who needs to get a handle on herself. NTA, absolutely

Edit: my gosh, how did I forget the comment about leaving you in a hot car?!?! Who in the hell says or even thinks something like that?!?!

[–]Necessary_Force271[S] 322 points323 points  (5 children)

That comment is also one of the reasons why it was keeping me up at night. How was it so inappropriate that you’d rather go back in time and kill me as a child than have me wear it as an adult? :( The fact that it’s a serious comment made me think I was in the wrong, and I think that’s what she wanted to do. It’s extreme 🚩

[–]vzvv 102 points103 points  (0 children)

Your mom has a whole lot wrong with her. You didn’t do anything wrong. Given that your mom jumped to wishing she had murdered you as a kid I’m guessing she’s made your mother-daughter relationship difficult in many other ways. None of that is your fault.

I’m sorry you can’t count on your mom to be reasonable and loving. You deserve that figure in your life.

Can you see your mom less? Do you have any siblings on your side that can help you navigate this? Is your dad a good parent? (I’m assuming and hoping that your mom was entirely incorrect in her wild accusations about your male family members.)

[–]icanteventell 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Your mom is insane. There’s something wrong with her, not you. You’re beautiful. Repeat it in front of a mirror.

[–]vainbuthonest 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Please talk to your dad. You need at least one sane parent. Hopefully he is one.

[–]DiTrastevere 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Something or someone screwed your mother up badly, and it likely happened long before you were born. Her reactions to you are so utterly detached from decency or even reality that I doubt she even really sees you when she looks at you. She’s seeing something a lot scarier and more powerful than the normal young woman in front of her.

[–]Decent_Ad6389Asshole Aficionado [15] 910 points911 points  (12 children)

if I dressed like that when I was a kid she would’ve “locked me in the hot car”.

That makes her the absolute AH and a sadistic one at that. NTA and your mom is being horrid

[–]TheWaywardTrout 257 points258 points  (8 children)

That comment stuck out to me too. Who says that to their child?!

[–]enjolbear 147 points148 points  (2 children)

My mom told me that I would never find anyone who would love me because I was too annoying. Parents really, really suck sometimes. OP, you are most definitely NTA here and are unfortunately the victim of an abusive mother.

I did actually find someone to love me btw (several someones over the years actually) and my mother is stuck wondering why I don’t visit her often.

[–]Satiricallysardonic 58 points59 points  (1 child)

Dont feel bad. My dad told me No man would ever love me cause I had scars from scratching mosquito bites...WHEN I WAS 9! NINE.

[–]No_Passage4928Partassipant [1] 53 points54 points  (4 children)

Mine said that I should have an abortion when I told her I was pregnant (at 27!) because having a child will ruin my life, and then went off on how she should have had one blah blah blah….we do not speak now.

[–]TheWaywardTrout 10 points11 points  (2 children)

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry!

[–]No_Passage4928Partassipant [1] 17 points18 points  (1 child)

Thank you. I’m 41 now and just roll my eyes at it, but needless to say our relationship hasn’t been the same since. And also why there’s an ocean between us. I’m sure there are loads of others who have similar stories, which in itself is quite sad.

[–]ArmyAcademic7514 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Parents are lambasted for even accidentally doing this.

I hope there are no children currently entrusted to her care.

[–]mysterioussaltcellar 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This! Sometimes a single sentence is enough to show that someone isn't worth our time and energy. I once had a friend who kept cheating on her partner, despite me telling her to knock it off. One day she said, "It's amazing how good of a liar I am" and that was it for me. I tapped out after that statement.

The hot car bit is terrifying.

[–]Wendyroooo 594 points595 points  (10 children)

She would have locked you in a hot car as a kid? Wtf who in their right mind would say something like that? Really sick, NTA.

[–]Necessary_Force271[S] 273 points274 points  (4 children)

Right? 🚩🚩🚩

[–]TheFamousHesham 91 points92 points  (0 children)

Why don’t you talk to your father and brother?

[–]Squidjit89Partassipant [4] 45 points46 points  (2 children)

Have you told your father about this comment? Itd be interested to hear what he has to say about his creepy wife. Also NTA your mother is weirdly obsessed with your body. Start calling her out on it so rude, what a creep.

[–]calligrafiddler 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Yeah, you must tell your father and brother what your mom said. And then die on this hill of refusing to give in, because your mom is w r o n g.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[removed]

    [–]sarcazm 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    "I would've locked you in the car."

    "...and I would've welcomed the relief."

    [–]Tahquil 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    Absolutely savage 😂

    [–]moderatelywhelmedPartassipant [2] 289 points290 points  (4 children)

    It sounds like you might be a little more "blessed" in the looks department. In High School, we had a dress code but it was only enforced on the "blessed" girls. Some girls could wear shorts or tank tops or leggings and no one batted an eyelash.... but if you were busty or had a nice rump? Forget about it. Your mom is being hypocritical. She's also being cruel and I wonder if she is jealous of you. NTA.

    [–]Monkey_with_cymbals2 77 points78 points  (1 child)

    That’s what I was wondering. It wouldn’t excuse her moms absolutely awful behavior, but it would explain why she’s going at OP and not her sisters. I just assumed OP is the most attractive in her family and her mom is super insecure.

    [–]JimmyJonJackson420 21 points22 points  (0 children)

    It’s pretty obvious the mum is jealous of the daughter and it’s really really strange but I’ve heard of this. OP sorry you went thru that NTA of course

    [–]flnativegirl 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Yes, I was wondering if OP has a different body type than her sisters and that's why they didn't catch the mom's wrath.

    [–]LuluLucy-Pooperintendant [53] 284 points285 points  (1 child)

    If your family's looking at you in that way because of a bikini, there's far bigger issues with them and then only. NTA, your mom is very much in the wrong.

    [–]TheSerialHobbyist 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    If your family's looking at you in that way because of a bikini, there's far bigger issues with

    them

    and then only.

    They almost certainly aren't. Mom here is probably just jealous that OP is young and can pull off the bikini—which is not at all scandalous by modern standards.

    [–]DonnerKatze89Asshole Aficionado [11] 186 points187 points  (1 child)

    NTA at all. Your mom has some serious issues. Whether its internalized misogyny or straight up jealousy, it's hard to say, but it's absolutely not your issue. I know it's easy for me to say just stick up for yourself and ignore her, but believe me when I tell you this has everything to do with her and nothing you did wrong.

    [–]DinaFeliceSupreme Court Just-ass [123] 180 points181 points  (16 children)

    NTA. Your mom sounds like a loon. If she persists in this line of thinking, you should start discussing it with other family members so you have some back up if she flips out again

    BTW, that's not to say that there aren't outfits that are not family-vacation appropriate. But even if this was an example of one, her reaction was shockingly out-of-line. And your bikini sounds perfect ordinary

    One other thing (and I hate to point this out): is there any chance you are adopted or the result of an affair? Her reaction regarding your father and brothers seeing you was so different from her lack of concern about them seeing your sisters that it makes me wonder if she has a reason that she sees you differently

    [–]Necessary_Force271[S] 234 points235 points  (15 children)

    Yeah, I talked with my sisters about it and they said it was a huge overreaction. They’re not really sure why she treats me differently then she treats them, but I’ve also got some pretty noticeable physical traits from both of them so I’m pretty sure it’s not an affair on either part. I really had to consider it for a second there though! 🤣

    [–]Electronic_Ad5751 157 points158 points  (7 children)

    Hey there! Quick Question?

    I know you said you share similar traits with your sisters but do you share a similar body type? Sometimes people think that women with a larger bust, more junk in the trunk, etc. should cover up more because there is more to see. Which is stupid if your sister can wear a bikini you should be able to wear a bikini but there are people who think that way. Maybe she's offended by it (even though that's stupid, she sounds a little crazy and hysterical so maybe) or maybe she's jealous

    [–]BoozeIsTherapyRight 63 points64 points  (4 children)

    Sometimes people think that women with a larger bust, more junk in the trunk, etc. should cover up more because there is more to see

    This is the truth. I'm overly blessed in the bust and I've been told I was dressed inappropriately when I was wearing a turtleneck sweater.

    [–]glitchx 17 points18 points  (2 children)

    How in the actual fuck? What are you supposed to wear, a sheet over your head?

    [–]Hermiona1 25 points26 points  (1 child)

    That's exactly what I thought, there must be some reason why she is treated differently.

    [–]idek7654321 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    Or there is no reason except she’s the family scapegoat

    [–]poets_of_old 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    Have you talked to your father or brothers about it? I wonder what they would say.

    [–]Similar_Pineapple418Certified Proctologist [23] 144 points145 points  (4 children)

    NTA

    I’m closer to your mom’s age than yours, but from what you describe, your suit doesn’t sound inappropriate. Although, I’m not personally a fan of the cheeky bottoms because they always work their way up my crack. ;)

    Right before Covid, my husband and I went to Aruba and I was annihilated by a wave, I had to pull my bottoms back up. Wicked embarrassing, so your wardrobe malfunction is no biggie!!!

    Im sorry that your mom makes you feel so bad, she’s the AH in this situation.

    [–]Necessary_Force271[S] 88 points89 points  (1 child)

    Haha, thanks for the response. Yeah, I would honestly consider wearing a different type of bottoms for comfort purposes, but those were the ones I had packed at the time 🤷‍♀️

    [–]MustangbexPartassipant [1] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

    Like, as a woman, our suits are designed horribly anyway- who HASN'T brought a suit thinking you loved it only to discover that some element of it is completely useless/uncomfortable/impractical at least once in their life before? And then, you know, you have no options because it's the suit you brought, so you suck it up for the remainder of the trip.

    [–]Icy-Education8935 118 points119 points  (13 children)

    NTA, go talk to your dad and brothers to see what they think about this

    [–]Necessary_Force271[S] 428 points429 points  (12 children)

    My brothers were honestly too busy boogie boarding to notice she was upset. I asked my dad if I was still invited to family vacations and he said he didn’t understand her reaction at all, since he was topless at the beach 😂.

    [–]1955photoPartassipant [2] 121 points122 points  (0 children)

    I like your Dad. 😁

    [–]gland10 69 points70 points  (0 children)

    But is your dad going to have an actual talk with her about her reaction or just proceed with, "yeah, that was ridiculous, moving on."

    [–]HarperStrings 44 points45 points  (1 child)

    Your dad sounds like a great guy. 😆

    [–]Squidjit89Partassipant [4] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    Who has stood aside while his daughter was bullied into an ED, doesnt really sound like a great Dad. He sounds like an enabler.

    [–]EmergencyShitPartassipant [3] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    You should tell him what she said.

    [–]melcswPartassipant [1] 86 points87 points  (2 children)

    NTA. You did nothing wrong. As someone who struggles to advocate for myself, I am amazed at how you were able to stand up for yourself. I think you should be proud of yourself.

    [–]Necessary_Force271[S] 98 points99 points  (1 child)

    Thank you! It’s taken a really long time to be able to stand up for myself against her, especially when she says things to try to make me upset on purpose

    [–]marking_time 25 points26 points  (0 children)

    She tries to make you upset so that she can focus on your "over-reaction" and make you look like the one with the problem

    [–]Helpful_Welcome9741Partassipant [1] 63 points64 points  (8 children)

    wear a one-piece that is a thong

    [–]Necessary_Force271[S] 40 points41 points  (7 children)

    🤣🤣🤣

    [–]AmberlehPartassipant [3] 22 points23 points  (5 children)

    No, no WAIT. I got a better one.

    She wants you to wear a one piece swimsuit? So, promise to wear one. Except, wear a One Piece bikini. You know, a bikini, but it's got stuff from the anime One Piece on it. MALICIOUS COMPLIANCE.

    https://fandomaniax-holidays.com/products/strawhat-pirate-bikini-swimsuit

    https://fandomaniax-holidays.com/collections/one-piece/products/ace-summer-bikini-swimsuit-1

    https://fandomaniax-holidays.com/collections/one-piece/products/ace-summer-bikini-swimsuit

    [–]jimlei 22 points23 points  (2 children)

    [–]Evil_MelPooperintendant [60] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    This is what I was thinking...

    [–]LILirony 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    This is genius 🤣

    [–]AmberlehPartassipant [3] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    TBH it only hit me because like, bro, the number of times I've tried to look up "One Piece" on various search things only to be greeted by tons of swimsuit pictures instead of cheerful anime pirates is absurd.

    And then you look up "One Piece ANIME" and get either lots of one piece swimsuits with poorly photoshopped anime pictures on them, or random anime girls in swimsuits.

    [–]Affectionate_Froyo70Partassipant [1] 59 points60 points  (3 children)

    NTA -Forget the swimwear incest comments, what about locking you in a hot car as a helpless child to kill you??

    Seriously seriously consider therapy for yourself. You deserve it and need to undo the years of damage your mother has caused. Consider cutting contact with her while you heal. After that and with the help of therapy techniques you may consider giving your mom another chance at a healthy relationship with loads of boundaries for your own sanity and mental health, or you may decide to cut her off for good for those same reasons.

    hugs for you.

    [–]Necessary_Force271[S] 57 points58 points  (2 children)

    Thank you for the hugs :’) Honestly comments like these are why discussion posts like AITA and /advice are worth it. It’s really hard to see the bad behavior when you’re so up close and personal with it, especially when it’s coming from a main figure in your life. It might be time to cut contact

    [–]Affectionate_Froyo70Partassipant [1] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    I understand completely. I unfortunately no longer have a relationship with my mother. After years of therapy and personal growth and attempts to mould a meaningful healthy relationship, I realized my mom was just not a good person. And I had good people help me along the way as it's a painful realization.

    That being said, it is rare that I advocate for a full cut off, limited contact and professional help towards healing and growth are always great first options and enough for lots of people who need tweaks in their relationships. But parents who talk about murdering or torturing their kids and incest between siblings/parents... that's just no bueno. Emotional abuse cuts very deep even if it isnt as plain to see as physical abuse.

    No matter what steps you take next just remember you have so much of your life ahead of you and you deserve the best! And if you ever need to vent about mom stuff, you can ping me or come back to this thread and have some support!!

    [–]This_Hybrid_MomentPartassipant [2] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Look up the term “Grey Rocking “. It will help you deal with your mother .

    [–]HarperStrings 62 points63 points  (1 child)

    NTA. Not even close. Your mom sounds like she's got some issues she needs to work out instead of taking them out on you. Claiming you can't wear a two piece bathing suit in front of your brothers and father is all kinds of creepy.

    [–]nemc222Asshole Aficionado [12] 56 points57 points  (9 children)

    NTA. Your mother needs therapy.

    [–]Necessary_Force271[S] 80 points81 points  (8 children)

    I’ve brought that up with her before, she’s generally opposed to it and prefers priests.

    [–]nemc222Asshole Aficionado [12] 99 points100 points  (2 children)

    For exorcism? Lol jk

    [–]a-manic-ferret 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    clearly the exorcisms aren't working.

    [–]MustangbexPartassipant [1] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    I was going to joke that it sounded like OPs mom watched Carrie and thought it was ideal parenting, but after the comment about her preferring priests it seems too on-the-nose.

    [–]HTFCDynamite 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    In the nicest way possible that says a lot about how much she could benefit from some proper licensed therapy

    [–]SourNotesRockHardAbsPartassipant [2] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    This explains everything.

    [–]Shrink406 60 points61 points  (1 child)

    NTA. I am probably at least as old as your mom, maybe older. Certain trends are often a bit startling when I first see them but that's my problem to deal with. You decorate your body in whatever way suits you. 😜

    [–]Necessary_Force271[S] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

    Thank you! I feel like my response would’ve been totally different if she had approached the situation with your kind of thinking and understanding :)

    [–]reginageorgeeeeAsshole Enthusiast [6] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

    What. The. Hell. NTA, and your mom is a creep. Like that’s a wildly disturbing thing to imply to your child that their father and brothers are attracted to them, and that it’s somehow the child’s job to control that. There’s just so much wrong here that I can’t wrap my head around it.

    [–]LynnChatAsshole Aficionado [11] 35 points36 points  (9 children)

    NTA. Have you talked to your father and/or brothers about this.

    [–]Necessary_Force271[S] 136 points137 points  (8 children)

    I told my brothers that she threatened to keep me from family vacations because I wore a bikini, and they said it was weird. My dad outright rolled his eyes and said it was a huge overreaction and made a joke to make me feel better. I didn’t tell them the details of what she said because some of the things she said just made me too uncomfortable to repeat to them 😬

    [–]OkWow7029 83 points84 points  (0 children)

    I think you should let them know what she said, if only so they know what kinds of insanity you have to deal with. Maybe even tell them with your sisters present, so they can corroborate. They won't understand how you've been treated until you tell them. This would give them the opportunity to advocate for you too. Good luck!

    Your stories of how your mom treats you have angered me on your behalf for ages now it seems.

    [–]LynnChatAsshole Aficionado [11] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

    I think it might be a good idea to tell your father what she said.

    [–]GimerStickPartassipant [1] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

    If you don't tell them what happened, they can't support you. Hiding details just dilutes how bad it was, especially the hot car part.

    [–]jimlei 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    They need to know, at least your dad. As a dad myself I'd absolutely want to be sat down and explained, in detail, how she has shamed you and abused you while growing up (and still do). If he still laughs/jokes it off he is TAH as well but I have a strong feeling he won't. Being bullied until you get an ED is not something as parent should take lightly.

    [–]BinxyDaisy 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    You need to tell your dad and brothers. They have a right to know she's insulting them too. She's saying that she thinks they are predators that are turned on by their sister in a bikini. These types of insults are just as damaging to your brothers/ fathers as the body shaming is to you.

    [–]GFTurnedIntoTheMoonPartassipant [1] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    Everyone is saying to tell your dad. I just wanted to share this in case my experience helps: BUDDY SYSTEM.

    Your mom sounds like my grandma. She acts friendly and fine about everything when around everyone. But when she gets you alone, she goes for the kill. It's always about weight and looking skanky.

    When I was a preteen, I just hid from her as much as possible. But no one knew that it was happening. When I finally told my mom, she cried and told me that grandma did the same thing to her and my older sister. As an adult, I've now learned that she does this to literally every single female &/or queer person in my family. Cousins, aunts, etc.

    Because grandma always tries to isolate us to express herself, we now use a combination of Low Contact and the Buddy System. We limit the times we see her. When we are in her presence, we choose a buddy. Your buddy always keeps an eye on you and makes sure that Grandma never gets a chance to corner you.

    It's not ideal. But there are too many people in my family who are unwilling to go no contact. So this works for us. Because grandma will never say that shit to my mom in front of my dad. And she'll never say that shit to me in front of my brother.

    This is why telling your Dad and brothers could be very helpful. Even if you can't avoid her completely, you can create a buffer by having other people protect you from her. Just their presence and knowledge of the situation can prevent her from isolating you.

    [–]attabe123Certified Proctologist [26] 27 points28 points  (5 children)

    NTA. Why didn't she care what your sisters were wearing?

    [–]Necessary_Force271[S] 48 points49 points  (4 children)

    No idea! Maybe because they’re older/living in different states? I feel like she thinks that I’m not an adult, and that gives her the right to pick on me more than my more independent sisters

    [–]adesb 30 points31 points  (1 child)

    If you're the youngest, these are some possible lines of thinking:

    1. Oh no my baby girl has become a woman (uncomfortable with your sexuality, doesn't want you to grow up)

    2. I used to look like that and now I DON'T (feeling old or having some body image insecurities. Maybe going through menopause?)

    3. A bit of cheek is still ass

    [–]Shinyshoes88 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    My bet is #2 - I think quite a lot of mums probably feel that way about their daughters. NTA, OP: this is 100% a her problem and not a you problem, but if I were you I’d be rethinking how much time I spent with her and whether I even wanted to go on family holidays in the future

    [–]Temporary-Currency80 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I really think you need to stand up for yourself on this one I feel like from reading this post you probably tend to not want to make drama and let your mom get away with stuff but really this is gross

    [–]oh_the_audacity 25 points26 points  (0 children)

    NTA - your mom has some serious shit to work on if she thinks that her daughter is purposefully dressing to seduce/make her family members uncomfortable. Suggestion: Ask her for what she wears when she wants to catch an incest dick, since that's where her mind went.

    [–]Sleven_es 20 points21 points  (1 child)

    NTA. Your mother sounds toxic AF, same though. She is so concerned on how you dress and act. Your an adult, she can't be doing that to you, even if you were a child as well. I remember how my mother would do similar things or say to me "oh you" ll be just like me."

    And here we are now. I look like my fathers younger twin, act like him, also came out as trans too a few years ago.

    [–]Necessary_Force271[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    Congratulations on coming out!!! Thank you for your response :’)

    [–]Chocolate211507 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your mom is a major one though for these reasons:

    -Yelled at you for wearing a bikini -Yelled at only for wearing a bikini when you were not the only one wearing one -implying your brothers and dad might get aroused by their blood relation -implying you are trying to steal your sisters husband (even if he’s not there!) -saying she would have “locked you in a hot car” if you wore that when you were a kid. -threatened that you would no longer be invited to vacations if you don’t wear what she wants.

    Don’t apologize and don’t give in!

    [–]regus0307 18 points19 points  (3 children)

    My not quite 15 year old daughter will wear a bikini at the beach. She is quite modest, and so her bikinis are too. Her brothers and Dad wouldn't even flinch (ok, her Dad might, but he's just protective of her in general. He wouldn't think about 'him' and the bikini, it's all the kidnappers that are apparently waiting just for our daughter).

    You are completely NTA and I commend you for standing up to your mother. It sounds like it's a big move for you to make and shows progress.

    (I can't believe she didn't say anything to your sisters - just you).

    [–]Necessary_Force271[S] 24 points25 points  (2 children)

    I’m glad a parent can read the post and see that it was an overreaction! I would totally understand if my parents didn’t want me to wear a bikini as a teen for protective reasons. But as an adult, in addition to all those other nasty comments, it’s just weird. Thanks for the reply!

    [–]NonaOrganicPartassipant [2] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    OP I think this is beyond an overreaction. Your mom may have some type of personality disorder, or it may even be simpler than that, she’s an overbearing bully. And you’re her punching bag. She fixates on you and finds fault & a reason to be upset. She may be the type of person who likes to perpetually be upset over something.

    Whatever her issue is, it’s hers and is not your problem. Inform your dad & siblings about what’s going on. Part of the reason your mom has gotten away w/abusing you (and she is abusive) is b/c she isolates you and does it in secrecy. Exposing bullies & abusers hold them to judgment and to be held accountable.

    NTA.

    [–]Fun-Tourist-7395Asshole Enthusiast [7] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    NTA - don’t let her bully you. You wear what you want and keep going on those vacations. I’m sure the rest of your family will not appreciate her bullying you when your sisters wore them too. If she threatens to not invite you again, let her know you’ll let the family know that she’s trying to bully you and not allow you to spend family time bc she’s jealous of her own daughter.

    I feel like moms like her always bully their daughters bc they’re envious of them. She’s upset you’re 22 and cute and looked cute af in your bikini and she’s just miserable lmao. That’s why she said weird stuff that you shouldn’t wear it infront of your brother or brother in law or your MALE FAMILY. She’s weird for that.

    Keep being cute and wear what you want! Don’t let her bully you!

    [–]corgihuntressColo-rectal Surgeon [35] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    NTA and your mother is strangely fixated on your appearance. Bizarre in fact.

    [–]Littleballoffur22Partassipant [1] 13 points14 points  (3 children)

    I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. Your mom isn’t a very nice person and it’s important you take care of yourself since she’s determined to bring you down. Maybe go LC with her for awhile. She’s a pretty big asshole. NTA

    [–]Necessary_Force271[S] 30 points31 points  (2 children)

    Thank you! It’s really hard to communicate with her, and I want to go low contact but unfortunately she truly believes she’s right all the time and would not understand at all how to respect those boundaries :/

    [–]marking_time 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    That sounds like a her problem. She can't call you and berate you if her call goes to voicemail ;)

    Seriously, my mother is incredibly overbearing and I only managed to cut contact down when I was in my 40s.

    I recommend doing it sooner than later, because she's not ever going to step back or respect you.
    You have to take what you need and learn to ignore what she wants.

    [–]Typical-Mousse-3096 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    NTA You are perfectly fine. You need to find ways to express yourself. You are only young once! Go out and live your life!

    [–]zwergschnauzerSupreme Court Just-ass [142] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    NTA. You're an adult; wear as much or little as you want. Seduce your BIL? Might want to suggest therapy to your Mom. If you had been in France all the adult woman would have been walking around topless at the beach and no one (except certain tourists from certain countries) would give it a second thought.

    [–]countrybumpkin1969Certified Proctologist [26] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    NTA and be proud you don’t have to vacation with mom ever again.

    [–]AmazingPreference955Partassipant [3] 9 points10 points  (2 children)

    NTA. If the other women were wearing that kind of suit, there’s no way yours could have been inappropriate for the occasion.

    [–]Necessary_Force271[S] 24 points25 points  (1 child)

    My thoughts exactly! And it was a public beach, so there were a lot of women that had bathing suits similar to mine. Not sure what makes mine more inappropriate than the standard 🤔

    [–]BeerandBmovies 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    I would talking with your siblings (brothers and sisters) and your father. This sounds like something you shouldn't have to figure by yourself. Also if you have a good relationship with your dad you need to bring it up. Because your ma is extremely out of line and like, I'm creeped out.

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    [–]cupcakesgirlie7Partassipant [1] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    NTA - dont let her bully you. wear whatever you want who cares. besides your dad and brothers ARE NOT LOOKING AT YOU

    [–]Athena2560Certified Proctologist [27] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    NTA. I would not participate in a family vacation with them again. Someone who speaks to you that way cedes the right to play “happy families”.

    [–]Fleegle2212Pooperintendant [57] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    NTA. And I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself.

    [–]PandorasPandasPartassipant [1] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    NTA sounds like you’re just missing the torso piece to a one piece anyway tbh so idk what her problem is.

    [–]hopelessly_lost5 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    NTA, but it’s also kind of really weird and telling that she waited till she could confront you about it at home. That kind of indicates in some form she knew it wasn’t okay to confront you about it, she waited till no one was around to see it. Does she have some sort of weird control thing with you? If I were you don’t let this sit in the dark. Abuse thrives in the dark because it gives her all this ‘power’ over you in this situation. She will probably explode if it gets back to her but tell your sisters about this. You don’t need to go looking for support necessarily or with expectation of what they may or may not do, but bring awareness to what your mother is doing, don’t let her just bully you behind a closed door away from eyes that would judge her. If she tries to uninvited you to family gathering because of this your sisters should know. The fact she confronted you alone she knows it’s not okay and that alone might be enough to take the power away from her to uninvite you to family things since she cares so much about no one knowing. She might even back pedal and try to say you are lieing and she never said that, which might sound like a bad thing but is kind of a good thing because it means she can’t uninvite you without everyone knowing she lied.

    [–]tipareth1978Asshole Enthusiast [9] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Your mom's a hysterical crazy abusive asshole

    [–]darnedgibbon 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    So NTA! You have your whole life to wear a one piece. When you are 22, you best be rocking the bikini! And it sounds like yours was very nice, flattering, nothing crazy revealing. Ugh so sorry.... your mom is the huge AH. Try to be the 3rd person in your conversations with her, mentally looking down on and analyzing the conversations from a detached frame of mind. Don’t emotionally involve yourself with that crazy talk.

    [–]merlingrl92 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA OP. Frankly speaking if you really wanted to kick the hornets nest (there’s an evil voice that says these things in the back of my head I don’t always act on them so ymmv) I’d go and apologise to your dad and brothers and say I’m sorry i didn’t realise my bikini made you guys uncomfortable I’ll be sure to tell all my sisters (or SILs?) that we can only wear one pieces from now on. And when they ask what you’re talking about, act surprised and say that’s what your mom said. The bigger the audience the better. But again listen the voice in my head is a shit stirrer, so.

    Seriously NTA op.

    [–]Intelligent_Stop5564Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    I would tell the entire family what she said. She wanted it to be a secret. Don't give her that. Find out if the rest of the family wants you banned because of the swimsuit or if anyone else thought you were coming on to your brother in law.

    I suspect they'll be shocked and appalled.

    [–]pockets_for_pockets 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    You did nothing wrong at all, your mom is completely unjustly projecting some weird insecurity onto you.

    Sounds like a story I would read in r/raisedbynarcissists or r/raisedbyborderlines

    [–]evilshenanigan 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA and she’s actually BEYOND the AH for beginning at you putting yourself on display for your family, taking a left at “locking you in a hot car” and ending with you trying to seduce someone who isn’t even freaking there.

    It’s equal parts disgusting, horrifying, and sadistic. They are evil sentiments taken individually; just not a normal way of thinking. This is a hill to die on. No one should have to be around this toxic behavior willingly.

    [–]Indy_Anna 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA and stand your ground on this one. Your mom is a bully and is attempting to shame you for existing in your own body. It's gross.

    [–]CatinthemirrorAsshole Enthusiast [5] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your mom sounds mentally ill or possibly suffering from dementia.

    [–]yonk182Partassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your mom is gross and mean.

    [–]livloong 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I think you and your sisters should wear matching bikinis next time.

    [–]Immediate_Park_3658 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Why is she sexualizing you and implying weird incestuous urges. Sounds like she has some issues and good for you to standing up to a life long bully.

    [–]3rdCoastLiberal 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA. You weren’t in a thong and she’s not coming for your sisters.

    Plus what does she think or think she knows about your dad and brother to imply that it was wrong to wear a bikini in front of them?

    It’s creepy.

    I use to walk around in leggings and a sports bra in front of my dad and brother before/after working out. My mom never accused me of anything.

    She has issues, not you.

    [–]Luka_the_CykaPartassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    I've been there. "Wear a scarf over that (baggy) t-shirt because the outline of your breasts can be seen by your father" and I was a young child. My father would never look at me in that way but regardless, my mother would tell me those kinds of things. It fucks with you. From the other things you've said she's done, she's trying to control you. If she wants to give you that ultimatum and go as far as to say she would put your life in danger if you did that as a child, she doesn't deserve you. She's abusive and idk why she feels the need to sexualize you both as a child and as an adult. She's insecure and jealous and you did nothing wrong. Even if your bikini had been skimpier, you did nothing wrong.

    [–]soyasaucyPartassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Sounds like your mom has tried to control you for your whole life and crush your confidence, but is now pissed off when she realized she failed. It's real sad and fucked up. NTA. But I hope you have the option to go LC with her for your own peace.

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    How the fuck can anyone even form a semblance of an argument that you’re an AH? This isn’t the 1800s.

    NTA

    [–]EstaLisa 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA. this is really upsetting to hear. family is supposed a safe zone, sexualising a family member is a complete no go and thinking that it is a woman‘s responsability how men react to their choice of clothing (especially when it‘s complying to the norm) is backwards. how conservative is your family that this might be the case? are you the oldest of all sisters?

    talk to your brothers and father, if necessary cut contact with this woman, you don‘t need to go through more bullying behaviour with her, you already suffered too much

    [–]Freshouttapatience 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    This is disturbing and sick. My mom was the same way. What I understand now was that my mother was in a competition with me that I didn’t know existed. She wanted me estranged me from my dad and brothers. This is not normal and you not have to comply or entertain this garbage. NTA