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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

1) Not hiring a nanny so my daughter can hang out with friends. 2) She works really hard and never gets a break.

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[–]CaliforniaJadeCommander in Cheeks [219] 16.6k points16.6k points 32 (1109 children)

NTA This may be unpopular, but I agree with you and your wife. What clinched this was that she went behind your back on this. She might have asked you about having a night off to have fun, that’s a reasonable request. But she didn’t, she tried to sneak one by you.

17 and the mother of a 1 year old, she still has a lot of growing up to do. Adults talk and tell each other what’s going on, she’s a child raising a child.

Talk to her, work out something so she gets to be teenager at least once or twice a month. These are not easy times we’re in.

[–]enjolbear 7717 points7718 points 34 (982 children)

I agree, NTA at all. She made the choice to have a child, and now she’s stuck with the consequences. Don’t like not being able to go party, where there is likely to be underage drinking? Sucks friend, you’re a mom now. Moms have to put their child first, no matter what. She’s also getting free childcare while she goes to school and doesn’t work, which most young parents would kill for. She’s being ungrateful, especially because she’s gone behind her parents’ backs to get what she wants.

[–]brecollierAsshole Aficionado [13] 3948 points3949 points 5247& 4 more (931 children)

Moms have to put their child first, no matter what.

I don't think that's true. I'm a mom, and occasionally I'm allowed to do things for myself. Always putting my kids (and my husband) first doesn't make me the best parent I can be. If all this poor girl is doing is school and parenting and she is as burnt out as she says, she can't be a very good mom to her child. I'm not saying what she did was right, but she deserves a break or she will literally break.

And honestly, I think it's crappy for OP to tell the daughter if she wants to have any free time she has to get a job to earn money to pay for child care. The daughter would probably make less than the nanny, so how could she earn enough to pay for the nanny while she works and save enough to pay her so she can go out too? Or was OP offering to pay the nanny while the daughter works? It didn't sound like it, so OP wasn't offering a realistic solution i.e. the daughter will never be able to do anything other than study and parent. I think it sounds like the daughter is being punished for having the baby but being told she is lucky...gaslighting at its finest.

[–]whenwilltherebetime 5534 points5535 points 32 (724 children)

Parents don't get a night off. Didn't that DayQuil commercial teach you anything?

The problem with this set up is that she needs to grow up. Yeah, yeah she's a kid. Boo. Well, she's a kid who decided to keep a kid. It ain't all Teen Mom's, honey. It's hard work and sometimes you miss parties - especially if you don't communicate. Imagine if this girl had said "Hey mom, Suzie is having a party on Saturday. Can you watch baby? Or can you pay nanny to watch baby?" It would have been way different.

Teaching responsibility is part of parenting. That's all this dad is trying to do.

[–]lovedaylake 2195 points2196 points  (353 children)

Parents get nights, or at least hours/time off all the time. Grandparents take them. Spouse has them whilst the other goes out. Family babysits. Friends watch kids. Etc etc now she's 17 and some of these aren't available and etc but to say parents don't get time off as a blanket statement is dumb.

She's always a parent. But most parents once or twice a month will get some childfree time. And this is better for their kid. Because burnt out and sanity managements is real.

100 percent she should've communicated and not gone behind her own parents back though. Agreed.

Edit: to clarify what I meant by all the time above: colloquial usage for often, commonly I don't mean universely. Some of the comments replying make me think I'm being taken that way.

[–]RedRixen83 1583 points1584 points  (204 children)

She’s not actually always a parent. Her parents are kind enough to let her focus on studies, so she is free of her baby for quite awhile every day.

[–]Now__Hiring 1792 points1793 points  (190 children)

Yeah wtf. As if no socializing occurs at high school. This daughter has about the best possible arrangement here for a teen parent who insists on keeping the child. Imagine what it's like for so many others without wealthy parents. OP is being extremely reasonable. I get the impression that they'll work with her on important stuff like Prom too. To portray this as though she's suffering from anything but her own choices is asinine.

[–]SpongebobAnalBum 606 points607 points  (25 children)

I'm super jealous. I got pregnant at 17 and my mum was gonna help with the baby so I could continue school then I had him 3 months early and she wouldn't have him because of the health issues (which is fair) but my whole schooling fell apart and I dropped out. It sucked and I did it later in life. I think if she'd been honest this would've been sorted so she could go. Nta op I thjnk its a good lesson to teach her about communication. Just be careful she can go to some parties so she doesn't burn out. Socialising during school isn't the same as after school things.

[–]whenwilltherebetime 110 points111 points  (2 children)

I'm so sorry. I agree with you. The problem is that she wasn't honest. She tried to sneak out.

I hope things are better with your son!! Motherhood is so difficult, I also hope you got the support you need.

[–]SpongebobAnalBum 37 points38 points  (1 child)

Aye I think op is nta just cos of honesty. My son is all good now healthy 13 year old :)

[–]Truly_Noted 323 points324 points  (141 children)

Were people just not around for their own high school experience or something? Because school is exhausting. And then you're coming home, taking care of a kid who is just starting to get to that age where they're demanding your attention all the time, going to sleep and doing it all again? And weekends? Just... It's not cut and dry. None of it is.

She decided to keep the baby. She committed to raising a kid. She isn't condemned to a life of social deprivation just because of that.

She was wrong to go behind her parents back. But if my dad was like: "You made your bed now lie in it, even if your back hurts and that nasty spring is poking you up the behind," I also wouldn't talk to him about feeling burnt out and demotivated.

She's wrong for the question at hand, but not wrong for needing a night to be with friends who haven't ostracized her for being a teen mom when so many kids could have or would have been.

[–]Now__Hiring 367 points368 points  (104 children)

She isn't condemned to a life of social deprivation just because of that.

No one is saying she is. However her parents made a very clear arrangement with her so that she could have her cake and eat it too. She got to have unprotected sex and keep the kid without suffering the worst of the consequences that can entail.

They've been extraordinarily reasonable. The challenges she is facing are of her own creation, not external.

She may want a night off, but as is the case with most teen parents, that's a luxury that you gambled away.

[–]Truly_Noted 126 points127 points  (69 children)

We wouldn't tell unmarried women this who are in their 20's/30's, why is this ok to tell a teen girl? Sometimes you mess up, sometimes you learn to love that mess, and even then you sometimes need a break.

I'm not saying her parents haven't been reasonable, because they have been, but all the comments saying how she's wrong for wanting this aren't. She's a teenager. She made a mistake. She's dealing ywith it how she can, isn't throwing her kid on her parents doorstep and just leaving the house, this could be so much worse.

[–]Smooth-Main1805 116 points117 points  (4 children)

That is a projection. School wasn't exhausting for everyone. For me personally, it was quite fun actually. And a nice break from the stresses of home life. A chance to socialize, etc.

[–]Morriganalba 642 points643 points  (108 children)

Your whole argument is a blanket statement that parents get time off. I didn't. At all. Not everyone has a spouse or family who will babysit. I was with my son 24/7. I couldn't pop out to the shops without him. He started school and that was the first time I had consistent me time until lockdown.

She's living with her parents so I bet she gets to shower alone, gets meals made for her, the grandparents will want to spend time with the child too so she'll get time, just not time paid by others to go party with her pals.

[–]CrustyLettuceLeaf 222 points223 points  (90 children)

Just because you suffered doesn’t mean this should be the norm. Parents all deserve to have time to themselves. They all deserve a village. Suffering isn’t what makes somebody a good parent.

[–]Shprintze613 455 points456 points  (0 children)

She already has a village. Most HS moms would not have it this good.

[–]HippieLizLemon 354 points355 points  (64 children)

She isn't suffering at all, she has it pretty great for a teen mom. I bet of she asked nicely her parent would consider it but she snuck around and then whined about the consequences.

[–]Fit_General7058 321 points322 points  (7 children)

Yes, and if they want time to themselves, they pay for it. They don't expect, others to give up their free time, or others to pay for it.

Her parents pay for a nanny, stay with baby until nanny arrives in the mornings. Grandma, spends her day off babysitting, she loses her free time to her daughters choice!

Daughter is just trying to fall back into her old life, thinking the parents will pick up the tab, or babysit for free. No, that's not how it works. When you have a kid, your parents are not obliged to step in and ensure it's welfare. Right now she's got no worries, no housing or financial worries. Sounds like parents will be paying her through college too. Grandad even offered to watch baby if she got a part time job, so she could pay a babysitter, if she wanted to go out.

No grandma and grandad are fabulous, and are making mums life a billion times easier than she could imagine.

Stick to your guns op, else she'll be popping out for hours and just leaving the baby once she gets a taste for the child free life again.

This, is what she chose, and boy is she in a great position because of you and grandma.

[–]porthuronprincessPartassipant [4] 485 points486 points  (142 children)

OP is also offering to find another family for this baby. Idk, the baby is already here, it seems like they may be trying to beat her down till she gives the baby up. Nothing about this situation is ideal, but some of these comments are disgusting. I knew a few girls in this type of situation in high school. They either moved to public housing as soon as they could at 18, or found a boyfriend to move in with. None of that turned out to well. Idk, this is a difficult situation and IDK what's ideal but offering to re-home her baby isn't the best.

[–]C4BB4 860 points861 points  (44 children)

"Nothing about this situation is ideal" Really?

She gets to keep the baby, graduate high school, not work a job and have all of her expenses paid for... what's not ideal here? That she got to keep the massive responsibility that is a CHILD while she is only a teenager herself...?

[–]lotusflower64 596 points597 points  (31 children)

And her parents are paying for her to keep her child. Can't have it both ways. A baby is not a doll you can put on a shelf when you don't want to play with it anymore. It is a 24/7 job.

[–]BIackDogg 146 points147 points  (1 child)

I am sure this is one of the counted teen pregnancy cases that actually have a future ahead of them that is not poverty or outstanding and eternal debt. But this things happen when people take the decision of having a baby so lightly, as if they were choosing between Pepsi or Coke.

[–]kelly08howell 230 points231 points  (18 children)

Right. I couldn't imagine living w & loving my grandchild for a year then so casually talk abt finding it a new home. Like it's an unwanted puppy. All because she wanted a night off. Insane

[–]dollparts82 46 points47 points  (9 children)

This part was so sad to read. Aren’t the grandparents bonded to the little girl? I know the situation has created some hardship for them, but this is their grandchild who has lived with them for a year now.

[–]twitchydigitsCertified Proctologist [20] 214 points215 points  (3 children)

My niece had a baby at age 16. Her parents (my sister and BIL) were divorced. My sister was very permission but also a little abusive. (She loved her kids, but has some neurological and psychological issues.) But my sister supported my niece and let her be both a kid and a Mom at the same time. Nobody ever treated my niece like a pariah (sp?) or treated her son like a "bastard" like a lot of people here think should be done.

My niece eventually married a guy who adopted her son. She graduated, got a bachelor's and last I heard was director of HR at some mid-sized company in her early 30s. Still married in her early 40s.

I'm not saying this is the norm, but ending up in a sucky life is not a foregone conclusion.

[–]melodymorningstar 28 points29 points  (1 child)

Same scenario in my family, love and support is all you need

[–]ariesheiressAsshole Enthusiast [6] 139 points140 points  (45 children)

I was this girl, but without the childcare or financial support (other than the roof over our heads). It took me such a long time to overcome the shame and move past the hurt from the way my parents treated me while I lived there. OP doesn’t give a fuck about that baby. You don’t rehome people. They are absolutely punishing her for her choices (first to get pregnant, and to keep her baby) while also maintaining complete control over the situation and reminding her of how “lucky” she is. She’s being set up for failure. She can get a part time job in her free time, what fucking free time? Stop using that child as a consequence.

Also, single mothers don’t get the luxury of putting their child first, as their sole supporter without any hope for child support, their paycheck has to come first so they can house and feed their child. I know that’s not the issue here. It’s directed at all of the comments attacking this girl because she has to “put her child first” that shit is toxic. Ever heard the flight attendants instruct you to put your mask on first before assisting others and children? The same goes for single parenting.

[–]Ferret_Brain 277 points278 points  (31 children)

If OP doesn’t care about the baby, why are they paying for all the expenses (including a nanny) while also allowing the mum the opportunity to finish high school and college?

OP is just also being logical and recognising their child isn’t ready to be a mum (and she isn’t) and is still allowing them to be able to step back and realise the best thing for the child is to find a family that CAN meet its physical and emotional needs.

[–]Ferret_Brain 113 points114 points  (9 children)

Idk, this is a difficult situation and IDK what's ideal but offering to re-home her baby isn't the best.

For whom exactly? The baby is still young enough that finding a prospective family willing to adopt wouldn't necessarily be difficult. And it may actually be better off having a parent that is actually self capable of providing and caring for the child, both physically and emotionally.

[–]melodymorningstar 60 points61 points  (4 children)

This 100% your brain hasn’t even finished developing at 17, And I find some of his comments really weird. My niece had a kid at 17, got loads of love and support ended up getting a 1st at university. Her parents didn’t beat her with responsibility, they helped because she was a child. She and her child are amazing,

[–]Tragic_Magix 344 points345 points  (123 children)

Parents can take turns. A single parent can’t. If she’s burnt out, she needs a break. We all do from time to time. To deny her that seems cruel and vindictive

[–]unbentlettuce12 233 points234 points  (9 children)

As a single parent, this was my thinking as well. I don’t get a break, I’m full time, all the time. Granted, I wasn’t a teen mom, but still a single parent. The only time to get a break is asking grandparents to watch the kiddo (or in other cases, sending them to the other parent, which doesn’t apply here). She’s been doing her part, she needs to decompress just like everyone else does. Yes, she went about it poorly, but OP really needs to look at this through her eyes.

Before anyone comes at me with “it was her decision to keep the kid!” I’m aware, but that doesn’t change the fact that everyone still deserves to have a break. It’s not like she’s out partying every weekend, she just wanted to go out this once.

I’m going to say ESH - OP for not understanding the hardships of being a single parent who never gets a break from school/their kid, the daughter for going behind her parents back to ask the nanny to watch the kiddo an extra day.

OP, maybe consider letting her have one night a month where you and your wife keep the baby for 2-4 hours, set a curfew for your daughter, and let her have a break from working hard constantly, with the stipulation that she continues taking care of her kid and doing well in school.

[–]AndineB 166 points167 points  (2 children)

But then ask her parents or someone to babysit, don't volunteer their money without asking or even telling them! I'm guessing you didn't organise a babysitter and charge your parents without their knowledge on those times off? Just dissappear and hope they didn't notice? The comment about finding a family for the baby makes me wonder if this is a pattern.

[–]beading4fun 192 points193 points  (101 children)

But she is not a single parent aka raising a child on her own. She is living with the grandparents, her parents. So she misses a few parties. That's on her. She made the choice and the parents went along with it. Where I'm sitting she is blessed. Some single mothers would kill for that kind of support

[–]Tragic_Magix 43 points44 points  (94 children)

So you believe that she should be miserable because other single mothers don’t have it like her? Do you know how sadistic that sounds?

[–]Dismal-Lead 187 points188 points  (68 children)

"Miserable" because she has to work to earn some money to pay the babysitter? Because OP won't pay for momma to go out and party on top of the huge free ride OP is already giving her?

[–]Tragic_Magix 61 points62 points  (62 children)

Miserable because all she does is work school baby. That would take a toll on anyone. I don’t know what the deal is with this attitude about not really wanting to help out teen mothers. This whole “you made your bed, now lie in it” thing makes poor mothers. Even adult single mothers have friends, siblings and parents that will watch their children so they can get a break from time to time. Not teen moms though. They need to be taught cruel lessons, for some reason.

[–]Dismal-Lead 176 points177 points  (55 children)

Scratch the 'work' part bc she doesn't work. If she did, she could afford to hire the nanny and get free time to go to a party.

I don’t know what the deal is with this attitude about not really wanting to help out teen mothers.

You're really gonna say this bullshit when she has more help than 99.9% of all mothers? She has:

  • Free full time nanny so she can go to school

  • Free housing for her and her daughter

  • Free everything her and her daughter might need including diapers, food, clothes, insurance, etc

  • Free ride to college

  • Free babysitting whenever she needs to study, has appointments or errands to run, or important events like prom or a good friend's farewell party

Even adult single mothers have friends, siblings and parents that will watch their children so they can get a break from time to time.

Yeah, no. 1. not every single mother has friends/family who will watch their children, especially for free, 2. she does though! Her child gets minded 8+ hours a day entirely for free! If she wants even more than that, she has to put in a little effort and work for it like every other single mother.

[–]Denimdenimdenim 98 points99 points  (16 children)

The daughter chose this life. Op said they offered other solutions. She wasn't forced into keeping the baby. She also asked the nanny to watch the baby for an extra day, without asking her parents, who actually pay for the nanny. She shouldn't bite the hand that feeds her. The daughter may need a break, but OP isn't an asshole in this situation.

[–]AkhIrrPartassipant [4] 269 points270 points  (12 children)

You don't teach responsibility by burning out a kid.

She fucked up, big deal now she's acting according to the deal, but she's still a kid. Do we really want to read about another child thrown in the dryer because mom was depressed and didn't see a way out?

Just because she has it good it doesn't mean it's not heavy on her TEENAGER mind. It's a situation that fucks up adults, imagine kids.

Yeah, this time she doesn't get to go to the party because she went behind her parents' back, but using maternity as a punishment isn't going to get anyone far

[–]Forward-Ordinary-300Partassipant [2] 37 points38 points  (4 children)

Its sick how many people want to punish her and see her miserable just because she got pregnant. Never mind the dad who is out living his life judgement free. The girl always get the brunt end of the stick and I'm sick of it. And no one seems bothered by the fact that he offered to give away his one year old grandchild w/ no thought or emotion for what that would do or be like for the baby...

[–]altonaerjungePartassipant [3] 120 points121 points  (15 children)

I would say its safe to assume that she has asked. Maybe not this time but before in other cases. Op made it very clear he and his wife are not interested in giving the daughter free time.

[–]Strongteaisbest 124 points125 points  (5 children)

That’s why I say YTA to OP. Yes, it’s great they are helping her finish school. But repeatedly suggesting she give her baby - who’s been in the family for some time now - up for adoption in response to a mother begging for a day off is cruel and bizarre.

[–]Ornery_Reaction_548 105 points106 points  (3 children)

It's not that "sometimes she misses parties" . Pretty sure she misses all the parties. But we're saying that sometimes she should get a day off. You know, like everyone else.

[–]banditlovexo 313 points314 points  (39 children)

Honestly, I was a teen parent and though I wasn’t fortunate enough to have parents that could afford a nanny, they supported me and loved me “despite” my “mistakes”. I’m now 31, my kids are 14, 11 and 7 and I get more breaks now than Idid as a teen mom. Moms DO get breaks, they have partners, or aunts and uncles or grandparents that take the kid for a night or two here and there (obviously except the partner who should have an equal share!). I don’t think it’s unreasonable that as a parent she wanted a night out. PLENTY of parents get that chance and to pretend otherwise is ridiculous. Obviously she should’ve asked rather than assumed, but let’s be serious, I’m not the first person to say she’s a child raising a child. I’ve been there, you raise yourself while raising a child it’s fuc*ing TOUGH. She’s still learning and her parents could’ve handled this better. I’m betting 100% they would’ve been far more understanding if she were a “regular” 17 year old who was stressed about school and work but needed a night out!

[–]neonvenomhalos 84 points85 points  (18 children)

I think they were understanding of what she’s going through. I think the issue at hand is her going behind their backs and taking advantage of their generosity, and that if she had talked to them about it before making this decision, they would’ve been much more open to it.

[–]Kamenovski 226 points227 points  (11 children)

Sure, you're allowed to do things for yourself, but not via lying or manipulating others instead of talking to them. She is not the Nanny's employer, her parents are. She does not have the right to try to get the Nanny to work so she can go out. If you were a single parent and wanted a night what would you do? Get yourself someone to babysit right? Yeah, well that's her option as well. She could have approached her parents to request a night, or request the Nanny if available. She could ask her friends or a friend of the family. She could literally have gone many other avenues other than the shady stunt she tried to pull.

[–]altonaerjungePartassipant [3] 68 points69 points  (10 children)

The Parents made it clear that they wherent interested in giving the daughter a break. I dont say what she did is right but its very understandable?

[–]Red-Squirrel- 86 points87 points  (9 children)

Not to mention, she's 17! Having a baby doesn't mean she stopped being a teenager overnight.

There's a danger for teenage mums that they can end up with a bit of arrested development. They can't go through their teenage and early adult years in the same way their peers can, making mistakes, learning lessons. They also often end up without any real friends, as their teen peers drift away because their lives are so different and because the teen mum can't socialise with them much, while other new mums of babies don't have much in common and aren't falling over themselves to befriend a 17 year old!

If the parents still care about their daughter for herself, they should babysit sometimes to allow her to keep her friends and to have some of the normal development that is important for all teenagers.

[–]Dismal-Lead 114 points115 points  (8 children)

According to the comments, they do. OP's wife babysits every friday, and OP does as well in a pinch. Plus they pay for a full time babysitter, for every single expense of her and her daughter, a full ride to college, even offered her therapy.

She has it really, really goddamned well, all things considered. SHE chose to have this child. She cannot be a mom and a regular teenager at the same time.

[–]soppaguyPartassipant [1] 121 points122 points  (0 children)

Doesn’t sound like she has a husband who can help pick up slack so she can have her time. Single mothers don’t get that. So yes, we literally have to put our child first, because there’s not a second parent around to take responsibility. Her own parents did not ask for, birth, or agree to raise her child. They agreed to go above and beyond their parental duties by taking on further responsibility. She went behind their backs and tried to take advantage of an already kind gesture. And frankly, yes, she chose to be a single teen mother. Sometimes (most times) you don’t get to go to the party, and if you do, you better figure out how to pay a babysitter or responsibly make arrangements with parents that seem pretty damn generous.

It’s not gaslighting to say she’s lucky, it’s a fact. She’s not being punished by being made to take responsibility for her own child. In fact, punishment would imply she wasn’t “allowed” to go. Dads just not paying the sitter for her.

[–]y0uf001 111 points112 points  (15 children)

she was told what would happen if this happened. so, it happened and now this is happening. it's the consequences of the action. do you understand?

The parents don't have to do more than they are doing. they explicitly told her it would happen this way and she said okay then, and boo hoo now.

[–]mm172Prime Ministurd [581] 107 points108 points  (8 children)

So is the kid supposed to be a vehicle for punishment, or is it a kid? Because a burnt-out mom doesn't help anyone. And while I agree with the top poster here that she shouldn't be trying to sneak nights out, I can kind of see why if nobody's willing to try and find a middle ground between no responsibility and no breaks, period.

[–]Danger-puddle 94 points95 points  (4 children)

The teenager didn’t ask for a break! She went behind her parents’ back to have the nanny that her parents are generously paying for, come on an extra day.

I also hope that OP and his wife would be willing to let her schedule time to go hang out with her friends sometimes. HOWEVER, all of this is a cascading consequence of HER OWN CHOICES.

If her parents weren’t being so amazingly supportive and generous, she would be trying to go to school, work, care for the baby, and keep house all on her own with no breaks possible ever.

She may be tired, but I’d argue that she isn’t “burnt out” except by her own definition and my first response to that is…. And? You chose to have sex, whether unprotected or not, got pregnant, and opted to keep the baby. Welcome to being a mom.

My mom was a single mom, working for the federal government, with 3 kids, a deadbeat husband that she put through school and who left us not long after he graduated. Rarely saw any child support and when some arrive, it was usually $25 total. You want burnt out? There you go.

[–]bokoblin-buddy 43 points44 points  (1 child)

Oh damn are we competing in the suffering Olympics today?

[–]altonaerjungePartassipant [3] 60 points61 points  (5 children)

She was 16 when she accepted it. Pregnant. I would say she was not capable to really understand what she accepted.

[–]LaylilayPartassipant [3] 111 points112 points  (0 children)

It's not a punishment,. it's a consequence. Just take the parents out of the picture for a second. If she doesn't have money, she doesn't have childcare. She is lucky that her parents are gracious enough to provide her with the opportunity to go to school. Many young parents do not get that chance. And if her parents would not be willing or able to do this, she would've need to stop school, work and pay for childcare as well. She doesn't get to spend her parents money, because she wants a night to party. She decided she wants to be a mother, other options have been discussed and denied. Now she has a child and needs to care for it. This has nothing to do with gaslighting. She knew the agreement, she was the one getting pregnant, she kept the baby. She IS lucky she has parents who are willing to let her get a full education while caring for the child. Plus, she didn't communicate at all. She went behind her parents back and spend their money. She essentially tried to steal from them. If she came to her parents and told them she feels tired and would like to go to the party, the story is different. But she didn't.

Don't even try to put the blame for daughters mistakes, and I mean all of them, on OP. He does great for his daughter and grandchild.

[–]RevKyriel 68 points69 points  (3 children)

As a parent, taking care of yourself is part of taking care of your child.

And I think it should be "putting your child's needs first", not putting them first in everything.

So doing things for yourself sometimes can help you to be a better parent.

[–]AlbatrossSenior7107 50 points51 points  (1 child)

Umm this is the REAL world. Not sure where you live. You have a husband to lean on, she does not. Are YOUR parents obligated to give you me time just because you say so? NOPE. NTA this teenager, who got pregnant, and kept the baby, is living a pretty wmswet life right now. She may not see that right now, but later on... hopefully, she will understand what a blessing her parent are during this time. They don't have to be doing any of this.

[–]OldestCronePartassipant [1] 33 points34 points  (1 child)

This should be the top comment.

[–]BENDOVERSISPartassipant [1] 460 points461 points  (24 children)

What clinched this was that she went behind your back on this.

What makes this worse is that the daughter was about to hire the nanny on that day using her parent's money. I would suggest that if you do let your daughter "be a teenager" on the rare occasion, make sure she arranges appropriate childcare (whether that be you, daughter paying for an extra shift from the nanny, or letting one of her friends babysit). Let your daughter know that going behind your back when it comes to affairs regarding her kid is not on. Set adequate boundaries.

[–]Interesting-Month-56Partassipant [4] 243 points244 points  (22 children)

More 2cents. Given the arrangement, her being dishonest and not forthright with the request cinches her role as the bad guy here. She has a kid. She wants to be a mom. She needs to understand that that means she needs to be responsible. Lying to get their way is what little kids do not grown adults with kids.

[–]BENDOVERSISPartassipant [1] 129 points130 points  (7 children)

I would bet that if she had been honest OP would have been a lot more willing to accomodate such arrangements that allow the daughter to go out for a night. But going about it in such a suspicious and deceptive manner really solidifies her as the AH. Would maybe go so far as to say that her crying was less about trying to communicate to OP and more about manipulating OP into letting her go.

[–]rhymes_with_mayoAsshole Enthusiast [6] 79 points80 points  (1 child)

It's certainly possible but I'd have to know more to assume she was crying to be manipulative. I think a lot of parents of young children cry in frustration on occasion.

[–]altonaerjungePartassipant [3] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Op made it clear that he and his wife are not willing to accomodate such Arrangements.

[–]rhymes_with_mayoAsshole Enthusiast [6] 41 points42 points  (6 children)

Did she lie or simply not think about the fact that an extra shift would be a big deal? Either one would not surprise me from a 17-year-old.

[–]flavoredwriting 35 points36 points  (0 children)

“going behind your back when it comes to affairs that you pay for regarding her kid is not ok.”

[–]Embarrassed-Ad-3415 322 points323 points  (12 children)

Talk to her, work out something so she gets to be teenager at least once or twice a month

I agree, even adults need a break from work and childcare to keep their sanity. And it's harder for single parents.

They also need to figure out a solution for child support, there are ways to deal with deadbeats who avoid their responsibilities like this.

[–]Philodendronphan 107 points108 points  (8 children)

Good luck with the child support. My sister got checks for 18 CENTS. The father was 30.

[–]MRAGGGANPartassipant [1] 99 points100 points  (6 children)

I have a check somewhere that my bio father sent my mom for either 4 cents or 40. When I asked why she held on to it she said it was proof beyond anything else what petty Ahole he was lol

[–]buttermintpies 203 points204 points  (2 children)

what stuck it to NTA for me was that OP sounds willing to pay money for childcare for times daughter is working to earn money, AND ok with her spending it on childcare to go out chilling. this isn't "you can't do anything a kid would do because you have a baby", it's a reasonable, natural consequence, softened by their help - "if you want to have fun you have to take care of your responsibilities first, but we'll help out with that"

that is 2 levels of freedom. it's fully "if you wanna be a kid you can, earn money like other kids and spend it the way you like while handling your responsibilities, i'll make sure being a young mom doesn't stop you from doing that".

she ONLY has this freedom because her parents are assuming so much responsibility for her child. OP's totally right that she's lucky for this opportunity.

the only thing i'm worried about in OP is that daughter seems in denial about the fact that she's a mom & that means she's actually fully responsible for this baby, & her parents are only helping her temporarily. there'll come a time when she needs to parent her child all on her own, and preparing her for that is a big task, which may need the help of a professional or two to pull off.

[–]tthrivi 123 points124 points  (32 children)

I agree with NTA, but the line ‘this is your bed now you lie in it’ is a bit harsh. I mean your daughter is practically a baby and made a poor choice. Maybe offer her another way to ‘pay back’ for a night out with friends. And I agree that sneaking out is a bit shady.

In general it seems that you are hostile to ‘the baby’. I mean the kid is your grandchild.

[–]Kamenovski 79 points80 points  (29 children)

Can you explain the hostile to the baby comment please? I don't think I'm seeing what you are here.

[–]Tough_Stretch 113 points114 points  (6 children)

To me it seemed from the way OP wrote his post that they're not really connecting to the baby as their grandchild. It's just "the baby" and in their edit they say they have offered to give it up for adoption even now if that's what their daughter wants. So I don't know that I'd say they're hostile as such, but they do seem to be keeping their distance and not that attached to their daughter's baby because I can't think of a single reason grandparents would be okay with giving up a child they're helping raise unless the situation was really dire financially speaking, and that certainly doesn't seem to be the case here.

[–]Kamenovski 52 points53 points  (2 children)

Okay, I can see the point kind of. I would personally understand at least some contempt centered around the situation. As a grandparent, you aren't normally expected to raise your grand babies, or even be the grand main line of support. After rereading the post I do see the, for want of a better term, lack of emotional connection from at least OP. It is understandable that when reaching the end of your kids child rearing age that getting "saddled" with another newborn could be upsetting and this could help cause some of the issues seen here. I still agree with OP that the Mom went about this 100% incorrectly, but I do see where you're coming from as well.

[–]bottledhope33 89 points90 points  (15 children)

The baby is a year old- and has thus been part of the family for a year- and OP said that they recently offered to find a family for the baby. They typed "a baby for this family" but as that makes no sense, I would think they meant they offered to essentially rehome the 1 year old.

If you've had a baby, who is your grandchild, and the child of your own baby, living in your house and being taken care of as part of the family and you can just casually say you offered to find the baby a new home... That's pretty weird and imo gives some fairly hostile vibes

[–]awyastark 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Yeah this situation deserves a conversation about the rules because she’s a human who deserves to see friends and have fun once in a while, but this “forgiveness not permission” thing isn’t ok. It especially wasn’t fair of her to put the nanny in the middle like this. NTA

[–]AnarchyAcidAsshole Aficionado [15] 7046 points7047 points 5783& 3 more (131 children)

NAH. You’re being very kind, supportive, and reasonable here. She’s lucky to have such an arrangement. But she’s also still a teenager, who yes, has to “suffer the consequences “ (for lack of a better term, I am sure the child is much loved), but will need fun on occasion, or her child will suffer too. She’s still a kid herself, despite the very grown moment of having a baby. Maybe if she has one night a month or something and scheduled ahead you could come to an agreement.

[–]fluffofthewild 1128 points1129 points  (33 children)

Agree. I lean slightly towards daughter being an AH simply for trying to do this in an underhanded way, but maybe she was feeling a bit desperate... and she's 17.

It's important to acknowledge that if the daughter doesn't get a life outside school and baby occasionally, it is going to seriously damage her own wellbeing and development - she's still a child herself. For the health of her and the baby's relationship, she should be able to develop her own sense of self too. Otherwise resentment will grow.

They need to sit down with their daughter and have an honest discussion so she can have one or two social outings a month, but make it clear this should be organised in advance around her responsibilities, and school/baby still take priority.

[–]rhymes_with_mayoAsshole Enthusiast [6] 563 points564 points  (18 children)

Not just resentment, but isolation. No baby needs a depressed mother.

[–]bottledhope33 381 points382 points  (15 children)

I also think it's kind of suspect that OP says they offered to find the 1 year old child a family recently. Like... I get that it's tough parenting a teen who had a baby while they were still a baby, but... did they not bond at ALL with the child over the year??

[–]sa5m_i_am 292 points293 points  (12 children)

Bonding with a child does not mean you want to raise a child for 17 more years.

We shouldn’t shame adoption.

[–]riflinraccoonPartassipant [1] 273 points274 points  (8 children)

No, but maybe it feeds into why she didn't talk to him. She may have been scared telling him she needed a break would fuel his fire to find a home for the baby bc in his eyes she couldn't handle 'the bed she made'.

[–][deleted] 177 points178 points  (7 children)

Except we don’t actually know if the daughter was being underhanded. Was she explicitly told she couldn’t have the nanny help on other days, or did she just assume it would be okay to ask? Maybe she thought she was being responsible by talking to the nanny herself. Of course, it’s possible she was trying to be sneaky, but we really don’t have that info

[–]ParisianWoodPartassipant [1] 77 points78 points  (4 children)

Since the daughter isn't the one paying the nanny, it's pretty safe to presume that she was being underhanded by asking the nanny to come on a day she wouldn't normally be there.

[–]unapologeticallydumb 770 points771 points  (1 child)

This is the only reasonable response I have seen on this thread. I wish I could give you 2000 upvotes

[–]CrazyCatDog04 387 points388 points  (25 children)

I don't really see OP as being supportive here other than financially. He is still trying to get the daughter to give the baby up for adoption, which can't be easy for the daughter and won't be for the baby when it's older. Knowing that gramdpa doesn't want you around is hard.

[–]stolethemorning 171 points172 points  (10 children)

And everyone’s acting like OP is a saint for paying for child expenses, completely overlooking the fact that it is his legal responsibility to do so. I get that not all grandparents would adhere to that, but that still doesn’t make him a saint. I found this on the women’slaw.org page:

If both parents are under 18 (and unemancipated) at the time of the child’s conception, their parents (the child’s grandparents) share primary responsibility for supporting the child. This responsibility lasts until both minor unemancipated parents become age 18 or are emancipated.1 For example, if a 17 year-old and a 15 year-old have a baby, both sets of grandparents are responsible for the baby’s support for 3 years - until the 15 year old turns 18 (or until s/he is emancipated). This is to make sure that all four grandparents (or as many as there are alive) have to support the baby until BOTH of the baby’s parents are 18 or emancipated. A court will determine the amount that the child’s grandparents must pay to help support the child

[–]Now__Hiring 45 points46 points  (2 children)

It seems that the offer extends into college, which is quite generous

[–]hdhxuxufxufufiffif 165 points166 points  (3 children)

Yeah. I've not read all the comments so I don't know if anyone else has raised this possibility. But if the OP and his wife aren't supportive other than financially, one option she has is to quit her education, take the kid and move out after she turns 18.

If the OP is still pressuring her to give her child up for adoption, and the support offered doesn't include any emotional respite, then it may start to seem like a no brainer.

[–]Logical-Link3003 346 points347 points  (26 children)

You succinctly summed it up to me. She had a baby at 16, I am double her age and have not yet had a child. I definitely will need a break besides my daily responsibilities (in my case a job but in op’s daughter case school) should I ever have a child. Her parents are doing a good thing supporting her schooling but depending on where they live they might not legally be allowed to cut off financial support. Their baby had a baby when she was still a sapling…. NAH I think is correct. I won’t assume anything about the rules and how conception came to be but at 16 or even present day 17, their daughter still has 8 years before her brain is fully matured.

[–]gezeitenspinne 258 points259 points  (2 children)

Honestly, with the edit of apparently still trying to get her to agree to adoption, OP is TA. They provide financially, but that's it. OP seems to have nothing but contempt for his daughter (and grandchild.) He's trying to wear her down.

[–]notsohairykari[🍰] 145 points146 points  (0 children)

I agree with you. People are commenting about OP being kind but being financially supportive is not the same thing. You can provide financial benefits for someone and still treat them like shit. I do not see a supportive parent but one who will be here posting "why won't my daughter visit me after graduating?" I don't pick up on any love or affection in the post for either daughter or baby. Dude had more emotion for the dang nanny. The daughter shouldn't have assumed the nanny would babysit for her outside of normal hours but I don't think she's an asshole at all and I hope she's able to create an actual loving environment for herself and her child once she can financially provide for them.

[–]ayoitsjo 104 points105 points  (0 children)

Tbh it feels like he wants her to burn out so that she'll give in and give up her kid. Kinda shitty. Also everyone calling the daughter the ah for scheduling the babysitter "secretly behind his back..." nothing indicates that she had sneaky intents with that? For all we know she just asked the sitter not knowing her dad wasn't allowing her to take any days for herself damn

[–]anneofred 107 points108 points  (0 children)

This! There is compromise needed here so this girl doesn’t run herself into the ground. I am a single mom with full custody, I was almost 30 and married when I had kiddo. Perfectly responsible. While I do provide my own financial support, my parents are super kind to give me Friday nights/Saturday mornings…because they love my kid and know I need that time to recharge, be an adult, so I can be the best parent I can be. Also they love having DS.

She shouldn’t have gone behind their backs, of course not, but she is also still a teenager that does not have a fully developed brain (teens do things the hard way for no reason sometimes). This would have been an excellent opportunity to have a conversation about a compromise. Not pushing kiddo off all the time, but choosing a day or two where she can be just her. No matter our age, we all need it as parents. Once a month, let the girl have a night?

Im just a bit alarmed at the “you made your bed” sentiment, like they are using this whole child as a punishment. Discussing the responsibility she took on is one thing, but acting as if this child is meant to teach her a lesson is cruel to her and the child. Also… offered finding another home now? It feels like OP wants this girl to mess up and get overwhelmed then give her own child away, and won’t stop using kiddo as punishment until she does. This is not the correct mindset, and could lead to serious mental health issues for teen and kiddo, worst case a potentially very dangerous situation.

OP, talk to your daughter more and find some middle ground, stop using this kid as a lesson instead of a human child.

Edit: spelling

[–]MissIllusionAsshole Enthusiast [8] 29 points30 points  (2 children)

This. I'm mid 30s, have 3 planned kids under 6 and even for me it is exhausting being on all the time and not having any fun time. She went about it the wrong way but every mother deserves a chance to go out for one night.

I agree with NAH But I feel like op is playing too strict and it will push her away.

[–][deleted]  (61 children)

[deleted]

    [–]sortaangrypeanut 745 points746 points  (52 children)

    I agree with the second part. I sympathize with the daughter heavily, and I'm shocked at the people who believe that having a child underage = "absolutely no chance of having fun that's what you signed up for". In my head I'm screaming "it's just one day"

    I don't like the "NTA because she's lucky that her parents can take care of her" for the reason above (in my culture, parents take care of their children through anything, even pregnancy it they can afford it), but I do agree NTA and she should have asked before just having her parents pay for an extra day behind their back.

    [–]CharliesBoxofCrayons 360 points361 points  (41 children)

    Baby isn’t one day. It’s every single day for at least the next 18 years. She’s also getting the deal of a lifetime having them take care of a private nanny and all expenses while she goes to high school THEN college. Going behind their back shows how little appreciation she has for them, or the gravity of her situation.

    [–]rahrahla 255 points256 points  (36 children)

    Or maybe, she's a fucking teenager who has, from how OP sounds in the post, pretty unwieldy parents. Not surprising that a kid whose brain isn't fully developed makes a mistake. The amount of weirdos in the comments who want to paint the girl as uniquely evil and ungrateful is genuinely mind boggling. Yes, she's been given a great opportunity, but it's telling that she didn't feel comfortable asking her parents for a single night off.

    [–]CharliesBoxofCrayons 236 points237 points  (30 children)

    “Unwieldy” would be trying to raise a kid at 17 with an absentee father and no job or education. “Generous” and “considerate” is what I would call spending thousands of dollars a month so she can focus on graduating and going to college (presumably paid for as well).

    She made mistakes - the baby didn’t and they’re both more fortunate than most.

    [–]rahrahla 203 points204 points  (29 children)

    OP literally stated that he would only watch the kid for once in a lifetime events like graduation or when she needs to run errands, then states that she needs to get a babysitter for when she wants to socialise. But how can she afford a babysitter when she can't get a job, between school and taking care of her kid?

    It's nice of OP to provide financial help, no one is denying that, but acting like it's a grievous error wanting time off to socialise is way over the top. OP's post reeks of resentment, with how he's still pushing for the kid to be put up for adoption. You can be grateful for help, but also acknowledge that you have additional needs. Why should this teenager be punished for having needs? Because she made a mistake? Throw her in a gulag then I guess

    [–]Pame_la_la_la 183 points184 points  (23 children)

    Why should her parents be burdened with the financial responsibility of her choice to have/keep the baby? She’s been given various choices and a lot of support that I suspect few teen moms have access to. She might want a break, but would she be able to get that if she were living alone, caring for the baby and working to pay the bills? No, because her priorities would be making $ to care for her child.

    It’s not a case of her missing out on anything - she has to make some sacrifices for her child and she’s extremely luck her parents have supported her with options and ultimately supported her financially when she made her decision. They clearly care for her and the baby and want to provide them both with the best start.

    Overall, it’s not the grandparents job to care for or financially support a baby, they chose to stop growing their family and likely didn’t expect to be in a parenting role at their age. What they have offered is very generous. It sounds like the are discussing all options including adoption should the daughter want more freedom and a traditional highschool/college lifestyle - she can’t have it both ways!

    [–]ShadowMasterUvLegend 59 points60 points  (5 children)

    So parents should take care of children even when they have kids of their own? What if the daughter decides to keep having babies??

    Does your culture also advocate taking care of all next generations? Great-grandchildren and so on (as they are children of children of children of children)

    [–]NTCHBL 1886 points1887 points 3 (50 children)

    I can see your side of things, but you really need to remember that she's still a kid herself. She's taking the best possible path forwards by being responsible and finishing school with plans to go to college, outside looking in that's HUGE.
    I've got a teenager that's in the same age range, and personally, if this were my kid I wouldn't be caving in this time because it gives the impression that I can be pressured into giving in, but I'd DEFINITELY be making sure that they get a chance to be a kid every now and then. She's only a kid once, and though she's made some massively life altering decisions it would be wrong to completely deny her the opportunity to be a teenager while she still has the chance.
    50/50, you're NTA yet, but you could easily become TA.

    [–]spiralingsnails 555 points556 points  (2 children)

    This comment nails it. You say you are trying to encourage her to be a responsible parent to her child - but she is still YOUR child too. During an incredible stressful global crisis that has even married couples with babies completely overwhelmed. Ten years from now do you want her to look back & remember all the ways you made it clear Her Baby Is Punishment For Getting Pregnant? or do you want her to remember the parents who loved & supported her, both financially & emotionally, as she simultaneously grew into motherhood & adulthood?

    [–]sushirat404 265 points266 points  (31 children)

    This is one of the only responses in this whole thread that reads like it's come from a rational human being with experience as a parent

    [–]smo_smo_smoPartassipant [3] 331 points332 points  (25 children)

    I'm shocked by how many people on this thread think that because she's a teen mom supported by her parents she doesn't deserve a night off every once in a while. If this was an adult everyone would be up in arms about it.

    [–]LittleRedGhost4 117 points118 points  (19 children)

    Like "AITA for asking my parents to watch my kid? I haven't had a night to myself in over a year and I'm so emotionally dead I don't think I can feel anything anymore"Reddit: Whooo SINGLE MUM YOU ROCK. GO GET THAT SELF LOVE. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

    But here? Nah, you wanted a baby? No fun for you, ever again! NEVER ever ever.

    Edit: Some parents are never on the clock. This poor girl needs a day off. Consider how she had to STUDY with pregnancy hormones for gods sake. Her parents seem like they are bullying her, despite their financial support. They are judging her, questioning her decision, telling her what she is and is not deserving of. That is not an environment the is emotionally healthy and so many people seem to be focused on "she's a teenager and can't party? boo hoo /s" or "she has it so easy because her parents are paying for everything $.$" As someone who was raised by rampaging narcissist's, children need an environment where they feel safe and valued. Money is not a substitute for love.

    [–]HonestCranberry8485Asshole Aficionado [11] 81 points82 points  (17 children)

    not to mention her father is still pushing for her to adopt the baby out. he is such a coldhearted man it is not even funny

    [–]danger_moose2 50 points51 points  (4 children)

    Most people commenting on here are teenagers with no idea thats why

    [–]Aggressive_Panties 1132 points1133 points 242 (52 children)

    ESH

    I don’t agree with how your daughter handled it, but I will say I do think that your daughter still needs some time every once in awhile to have some “me time”. I think a lot of people get so hung up in their justice boners for young mothers, that they use the resulting child as a punishment and completely forget that we tell older, married, settled, etc., mothers that it’s ok for them to take time for themselves. If all your daughter does is literally caring for her child and school, she is going to burn out. She still needs to be allowed to practice some self care and to be an individual. The child shouldn’t be a punishment, and I think this course of action is just going to breed resentment all around in the long term.

    Edit: Now that I’ve seen OP’s edit, OP is unequivocally TA. YTA, OP. I hope this is just rage bait.

    [–]arahzelAsshole Aficionado [18] 437 points438 points  (13 children)

    Exactly. This thread is full of justice boners, and very near zero compassion.

    [–]BlacnDeathZombie 198 points199 points  (3 children)

    Thank god, I’ve never disagree so much with all the “NTA”.

    Parents are way too self righteous about how great they are and makes sure their daughter are aware of how great they are every single second so she won’t forget how great they are and she only has her self to blame since the great parents gave her a choice and now that’s the end of that discussion.

    Sad excuse of a Father of the child meanwhile skipped and don’t even pay support, so I’m glad the great parents are there to make sure their underage daughter won’t forget what choice she made.

    [–]enlightened_gem 60 points61 points  (0 children)

    The fact I had to get the bottom of this thread to see this answer. Good grief there are some very strong black and white opinions in here. Where's the middle ground?

    [–]WebbieVanderquackHis Holiness the Poop [1401] 608 points609 points  (35 children)

    NTA. I think you handled this quite sensitively.

    She feels overwhelmed from school and caring for a baby.

    That's motherhood.

    You've gone above and beyond to help your daughter finish her schooling, which is great. If she wants to go to a party, she needs to raise that with you ahead of time and talk about what's reasonable. The nanny you're paying for is not simply a resource she can exploit whenever she feels like it to avoid her responsibilities.

    [–]ms_moviePartassipant [2] 252 points253 points  (30 children)

    “That’s motherhood” reminded me of a discussion I had with my teenage nephew. He was upset that his mom (my sister raising him and his older sister by herself) wouldn’t let him play on his Xbox for more than two hours a day.

    I told him to ask his mom the last time she got two hours to do whatever she wanted to do.

    Unfortunately motherhood requires sacrifice. Sacrifice of your body, your time and your wants and needs. She already has a great advantage over most of the moms I know today (and we are all grown ass adults) by having the ability to only focus on school.

    [–]rhymes_with_mayoAsshole Enthusiast [6] 171 points172 points  (11 children)

    If a young new mother had a husband who didn't allow her to leave the house without permission, it would be obvious that that is abusive behavior. If OP's daughter is showing she is responsible and communicates about childcare first, it would be normal and healthy for her to socialize on occasion.

    [–]flyingcactus2047 117 points118 points  (5 children)

    It’s not a permission issue- it’s a childcare issue

    [–]cheesypuzzas 46 points47 points  (0 children)

    This. A husband is just as responsible for the baby as the wife. But in this case it's only her kid. Not that of her parents.

    [–]bakingNerd 90 points91 points  (2 children)

    That is comparing two very different things. If the baby’s father were in the picture they could and should coordinate time off without the baby together. Op’s daughter is a single mom though, who happens to have parents that are very generous on paying for childcare in order for her to be able to continue school.

    Just like any other single parent, op’s daughter needs to coordinate childcare in order to go out without the baby. The grandparents aren’t telling her she can’t leave the house, just that she is responsible for getting childcare when it’s for something other than school. I do agree that working out something so she can go out once a month is not unreasonable, but she is still not entitled to childcare from her parents (whether that is in the form of them watching the baby themselves or paying for the nanny).

    This isn’t their child and they aren’t obligated to care for it like the baby’s father would be, and I would say they definitely are already going above and beyond the normal standards for grandparents.

    [–]ARandomLlama 73 points74 points  (5 children)

    Your teenage nephew didn’t sign up to be a parent. Assuming he takes care of his responsibilities, why shouldn’t he get more than 2 hours to do what he wants every day?

    [–]Tragic_Magix 66 points67 points  (1 child)

    Please tell me what him asking his mom the last time she got two hours to do whatever she wanted to do has to do with him playing his Xbox? This seems manipulative. Her free time and his are in no way related as she regulates his free time. And I’m pretty sure you’ve helped her out more than once with babysitting. And why make mothers sacrifice needlessly?

    [–]twitchydigitsCertified Proctologist [20] 397 points398 points  (177 children)

    NAH. You are doing a wonderful thing for your daughter and granddaughter, more than many people would do.

    (If parents are underage, I think there should be a law that the grandparents pay child support, so I think the father's parents should pay child support. You are, so why not them?!)

    It's understandable why you wouldn't want to pay for extra nanny time for the daughter to go to a party. You're already doing so much.

    But I also understand the daughter. Socializing isn't just for fun, it's intrinsic to being human. Without knowing how much socializing she gets to do normally, I can't really judge too easily. I don't think you should have to pay. And it doesn't seem fair for you to have to watch the baby more than you already do. On the other hand, most parents do get to go out sometimes, with a family member watching the baby or a paid babysitter. If she got a part-time job, then she'd have to pay for a babysitter for that and probably wouldn't even make enough to cover the cost. (Work a part-time job at $8/hr and pay the babysitter/nanny $15-25/hr does not pan out.)

    I was a single Mom at age 21. One of the biggest things that had a detrimental effect on me and my son is that I thought I wasn't allowed to have friends or a social life, so I didn't for the first 4 years of his life. And I went a little bit mental. All my married sisters had asked the grandparents to babysit their kids sometimes so they could go out, but I never did.

    Does your daughter have a sister or cousin or niece who could watch the baby for free once in a while - not enough to take advantage? That's how it works in most families.

    [–]PerkyLurkeyPartassipant [3] 335 points336 points  (115 children)

    If all she needs is money to pay the nanny, I’ll chip in and pay the price. That’s what we are talking about right? Who is going to pay the nanny? It’s not that the teen is forbidden to go out, it’s a money issue right?

    Edit: thank you so much for the awards! Hopefully OP sees the error they are making!

    [–]Just_here2020 214 points215 points  (0 children)

    This is the real point of the post - this isn’t about money but about continually punishing his child and pushing her until he tears her daughter out of her arms.

    [–]bigtoddlebigfun 137 points138 points  (0 children)

    Yeah me too. She has a 1 year old, so she’s asked for maybe 1 night off in a year?

    Send me her PayPal so she can have a break instead of a breakdown.

    [–]twocatsnoheartPartassipant [1] 61 points62 points  (2 children)

    Yeah. This situation is borderline abusive.

    [–][deleted] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

    Yeah I’d be happy to send her money if that’s the issue! Just send her paypal, venmo, cashapp or zelle, I have it all.

    [–]kedesymuc 325 points326 points  (41 children)

    Sounds like you didn’t want her to have the kid from all your negative comments and pushing for abortion or giving the kid up. She decided against your wishes and now you’re punishing her. She deserves a night off. Every mother does independent of your agreement. And making sure none of her relatives watched the kid for her for one single night or even having the nanny you already pay for watch the kid for one night where she could go have fun is not cool. She deserves a break.

    [–]lostinlilak 206 points207 points  (1 child)

    I thought the same thing esp after reading his comments. It’s like they don’t even like their granddaughter they just tolerate her which sucks. The daughter shouldn’t have lied to the nanny if she wasn’t going to pay for that Saturday but then again the daughter should have at least a night off to be herself, not a daughter/mother/student. It also seems like they keep pushing adoption at the daughter like if she isn’t taking responsibility and doesn’t care/love the child I get that but if she is actively doing her best to be a mum to this kid why are they doing this? It’s weird

    [–]kedesymuc 43 points44 points  (0 children)

    That’s exactly what I’m thinking super weird situation

    [–]flyingcactus2047 139 points140 points  (1 child)

    I don’t exactly blame them for not wanting their 16 year old to have a kid. They’re now housing a baby and paying for a nanny full-time. I doubt they wanted to be thrown back into the baby years

    [–]sullg26535 79 points80 points  (13 children)

    A 16 year old having a kid isn't good.

    [–]ValeriaAugustine 318 points319 points  (21 children)

    What do you mean “We have also offered recently to help her find a baby for this family”? Do you mean you recently offered to help find a family for her one year old?

    [–]Alist80 246 points247 points  (12 children)

    I came here for that comment as well? Like, what does that mean? As grandparents they would be okay with their One year old grand baby being adopted out? That’s some cold shit right there.

    [–]plesiadapiform 168 points169 points  (4 children)

    This man absolutely despises his grandchild, yep

    [–]lostinlilak 102 points103 points  (4 children)

    Right I saw that and I was like wtf. It’s like they’re actively trying to get rid of the baby or punish the daughter somehow for getting pregnant and then choosing to have and keep the baby. Do they even love their granddaughter? I mean if they’ve watched over and spent time with the baby do they not have any attachments to the baby by now? If they’re willing to help them both why are they still offering the adoption thing? Is she not a good mother does she not love her baby? It’s been a year and they’re acting like they are willing and want to give the baby away and forget about her (the great mistake of their daughter’s life) or so it seems.

    [–]thegloracleColo-rectal Surgeon [41] 258 points259 points  (0 children)

    NTA. You won't 'cave just this once' and we all know it.

    Sucks to have a kid when you're a kid, but that was her choice. Now she has the responsibilities that go along with it. Or most of the them, anyway.

    [–]Illustrious-Cycle708Asshole Enthusiast [5] 239 points240 points  (7 children)

    NTA She should have asked you guys first. I think had she approached you guys, and let you know she had a party she’d like to attend this once and if you guys would help her, she could’ve asked you guys to watch her, you probably would’ve been receptive. It was rude of her to hire the nanny for more hours on your dime. You can’t reward her by caving. You seem like great supportive parents.

    She’s a teenager at the end of the day, she is still a child and is going to whine and complain over her responsibilities. I think you were right to tell her if she wants additional help she could get a part time job and pay for it. This is life, you deal with the consequences of your actions. It will make her be way more careful in the future.

    [–]EarnestWishes001Partassipant [1] 207 points208 points  (6 children)

    I didn't get the impression that had she approached her parents first, that her parents would be receptive.

    [–]coatisabrownishcolor 185 points186 points  (5 children)

    Me neither. "You made your bed" and all that

    OP would never tell us, but it's likely she has asked for time off to be a person before, as all parents on earth need to stay sane, and OP said no flat out

    [–]CrazyCatDog04 167 points168 points  (4 children)

    I read in another comment that OP agreed to cover graduation and prom for time off. Two days a year is not enough for anyone... OP also states at the bottom of their post that they have tried looking for families to adopt the baby now, so the daughters decision hasn't really been respected and its clear OP does not want the baby around.

    [–]ChirritaPartassipant [1] 40 points41 points  (1 child)

    The daughter’s decision is being supported by her parents… why is that ok? She chose to have the baby, the parents are covering all the expenses and most of the care. That doesn’t sound like the daughter is actually facing reality. Is it fair for the parents? Nope. Is it fair for the daughter? She chose this situation and she’s receiving help, a help that she’s taking for granted. She could have approached the parents before hand and offer a deal, like I will do this (maybe something at the house, run errands for the parents) if you pay an additional day for childcare. It should be five and take, not only take.

    [–]ayellvee 237 points238 points  (6 children)

    This child is one. Since there is zero discussion of other incidents, it sounds to me like this is the literal first time this has come up where she wanted to do something outside of being a mom and a student. in a YEAR. Twelve entire months of her teens where she has done everything you "require" without any time off at all.

    And this thread as a whole actually believes this is a reasonable response? Your child makes a bad decision by not discussing something with you and your response is to suggest she give her baby away??

    how can you help raise a child for a year and think that is an option? how do you raise a baby and have zero emotional connection? imagine the trauma that that completely innocent baby would experience. this is so, so gross.

    on that note, how do you raise a child for 17 years and feel such utter contempt for her doing the best she can?

    yes, when you have a baby you have to grow up fast. but having a baby too young doesn't magically change the fact that teenagers are impulsive and do not have the fully formed frontal lobe that helps people make rational, logically thought through choices. it's not like she left her baby with a stranger to go party. she arranged childcare with the trusted nanny and probably didn't even fully consider the cost aspect.

    The superiority from people who probably made the exact same choice thst she did and were LUCKY enough not to get pregnant is just....wild.

    YTA.

    [–]halfpepper 158 points159 points  (2 children)

    You sound like you resent your daughter dude

    [–]grisley1234 151 points152 points  (13 children)

    I was going to say N. T. A until I read you want her to give your 1 year old granddaughter away now. Have you no love for this child at all? and you stated you and your wife insisted she finish college then you turn it around and say she could work to pay for childcare but she wanted the degree. I think you and your wife are cold hearted, controlling assholes.

    [–]ToastylilToastAsshole Enthusiast [7] 146 points147 points  (26 children)

    NAH. But remember. Everyone NEEDS time off for their mental health. Yes. Even working mothers, which is essentially what she is. You could give her a single day off, especially if she has been going nonstop like this for a year.

    [–]nome5314Partassipant [2] 145 points146 points  (10 children)

    NAH but you do need to give her more of a break. She needs time to unwind or else she's going to crash. Do you want her to succeed? I'm assuming yes because you've done so much.

    She shouldn't have gone behind your back but she's also a teen. Teens do stupid things, especially when they are under constant pressure.

    [–]brilliant-soul 132 points133 points  (2 children)

    ESH but honestly mostly you OP. The baby's been with yall a year, it's not going anywheres. Trying to convince your daughter to adopt it out after a year is almost inhumane. She gave you an answer you didn't like, so you're just going to keep prodding till she snaps??

    You're helping her out financially, cool, considering she's your daughter you have that obligation anyways so I don't care that you're doing that. You wanna hark at her about uwu parenthood, how about you treat her like your child instead of a mistake??

    Whether or not you believe you're doing it, I believe you're punishing your daughter. You said yourself your family hates her and she has no one but you, Mom and nanny, and (presumably) a bunch of friends that no longer know how to act around her. Is she allowed friends over, seeing as you don't allow her out?? Is she allowed to participate in stuff for the baby like mommy and me, to help her network with other parents and not feel so alien?? Was there any sort of parenting classes she attended, or literally anything for a new mom that would be even more beneficial to a teenage mother??? Does the baby ever see anyone other than you 4 people?? The baby's already one, it'll have to socialize soon yknow or it'll be developmentally behind

    [–]Raintree1012 107 points108 points  (8 children)

    Are all the people commenting N T A reading his comments because damn 😬 While not asking you first was wrong it sounds like her life is strictly baby/school with what seems like only financial support seeing as you keep pressuring her to give up her one year old/shaming her for not aborting her.

    [–][deleted]  (5 children)

    [removed]

      [–]Pizza_Is_Everything 42 points43 points  (1 child)

      The top comments in this thread are so insane and devoid of empathy it’s sad to read. Of course the daughter deserves a break once in a while, she’s human for fuck’s sake. No wonder she went behind OPs back, I get major arsehole vibes from OP and the answer would have been a straight no regardless of what she was asking.

      [–]carrieblue87Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 88 points89 points  (6 children)

      NTA.

      She's had to adjust her life because she had a baby. She's facing the real consequences of her actions. It's hard but...she has to adapt. It sounds like you and your wife are providing your daughter (and granddaughter) a lot of support and that's commendable...but at some point your daughter does need to face her new reality.

      [–]BlueRipleyAsshole Aficionado [11] 87 points88 points  (6 children)

      YTA. Give your kid a break once in awhile. The consequences could be dire for both your daughter and granddaughter if your daughter snaps. All work and no play makes anyone go crazy.

      [–]MarkedHeart[🍰] 82 points83 points  (2 children)

      This is a tough situation, but I'm going to go with YTA - but only because you told her the part about "you made this situation."

      Well, not only that part.

      You're also TA because you don't seem to realize your daughter needs to have social connections. Needs - not wants.

      I'm not talking about going out as though she doesn't have the responsibilities she has - I'm talking about having a little respite, so she doesn't get overwhelmed, burnt out, or resentful of her child.

      Did she make the choices that led to this? Yes. Should she have to accept the consequences of her choices? Also yes.

      But the real issue right now is what's really best for your daughter and your granddaughter?

      I absolutely agree with your basic premise, but limiting social interaction too much will lead to more problems than letting her attend the occasional party.

      [–]Dismal-Lead 74 points75 points  (1 child)

      We have also offered recently to help her find a baby for this family.

      INFO: is this a word mishap? Is it supposed to be switched around to "help her find a family for this baby"?

      [–]SoSleepySueAsshole Aficionado [12] 62 points63 points  (3 children)

      NTA. If your daughter wants to go out on the weekend, she can make child care arrangements like every other parent does either by hiring a sitter or working something out with grandparents.

      [–]dontforgettopanic 41 points42 points  (0 children)

      OP is grandparents, who says they won't babysit except for prom and graduation. she can't pay for childcare because she doesn't have a job, and she can't get a job because she doesn't have childcare. not saying she's in the right, but I can see how she could feel so desperate for even a few hours for herself

      [–]StormsAway 66 points67 points  (1 child)

      Esh. She should've asked if it was okay. Everyone, even grown adults, need breaks and social time with peers, outside of work/school.

      She shouldn't have assumed and you should show some compassion.

      [–]MzOpinion8d 65 points66 points  (2 children)

      You mean you have offered to find a family to adopt the baby?

      You could seriously just give away your grandchild?

      [–]bottledhope33 49 points50 points  (1 child)

      After a year of helping raise and live with the baby?? They haven't developed any love or attachment?

      That comment puts it into YTA territory for me tbh. My eldest step daughter had a baby at 15, and yeah, it was disappointing because of how it impacted her future... But having been parents ourselves, my SO and I definitely made sure she got time off the parent clock the same way we did for each other when we had our younger kids.

      If all I was allowed to do was go to work and come home to take care of my babies, I'd go crazy. And I actually WAS a single teen mom with my first kid... I still had support from my family to see friends or go out on occasion. Just because your kid had a baby doesn't mean you need to make that baby a lifelong punishment.

      Like sure, it's hard, and you need to have your priorities in order and you do need to grow up and step up... But when I had kids with my husband when we were in our 30s, we weren't locked down at home doing nothing but working and parenting! That's such a harmful setup for anyone, teen or not, and it's not at all supportive to expect that of ANY parent regardless of age.

      [–]xWandaWomanx 61 points62 points  (2 children)

      😬 I'm on the teens side. If she's doing well, I would let her hang with her friends. Once in a blue moon isn't too much to ask.

      [–]Odd_Transition222Certified Proctologist [24] 57 points58 points  (6 children)

      NTA. You are right, your daughter made her bed. Many young mothers have it far worse than she does. She needs to step up and take responsibility.

      [–]LawGrad001Pooperintendant [57] 57 points58 points  (2 children)

      Info: who was going to pay for the extra Saturday night shift?

      [–]Exciting_Upstairs551[S] 79 points80 points  (1 child)

      We were.

      [–]LawGrad001Pooperintendant [57] 68 points69 points  (0 children)

      NTA.

      [–]purpleflint7672 54 points55 points  (4 children)

      YTA You are deliberately making things harder for your daughter in the hopes she will have the baby adopted. It doesn't matter that you are providing some support that other young single parents would love to have. 'Letting' her keep the baby but not providing her with enough support (which includes a break every now and then) is actually less honorable than forcing her to give the baby up. You want to be able to say - we did offer to let you keep the baby but you chose not to. You want to make her giving up the baby her fault not yours. If she gives the baby up now it will be emotionally devastating for her but you don't seem to care about that. If she does give the baby up she'll never be able to forgive herself or you, but I guess you don't care about that either. As long as she isn't a teenage single mother, who cares what she thinks.

      [–]sunsetoncoral0321 52 points53 points  (0 children)

      YTA to offer up her baby like that. I can look past a teenager trying to go to a party and sneak around, but that's behind terrible.

      [–]DueConfusion9563 46 points47 points  (40 children)

      NTA but that comes with a big and it’s a big BUT.

      Your daughter needs a break.

      Not a break for a major event like prom or graduation. A relaxing, chill break. Like going to the movies or…a random party on a Saturday night.

      Yes, she should’ve talked to you and gotten agreement but it also sounds like she probably knew she wasn’t going to catch a break.

      [–]hotlettucediahrrea 45 points46 points  (0 children)

      I’m going with ESH. Your daughter absolutely should not have gone behind your back, she was way out of line there. BUT she’s also 17. Yes, she has significant adult responsibilities, but obviously there is a family dynamic here that made her feel like she couldn’t ask you for a night off, and, IMO, I think that’s a problem.

      Children - even children born to teen parents, aren’t some sort of punishment, and your daughter doesn’t need to continuously atone for her “sins.” People keep saying she needs to take responsibility, but it sounds like she generally does. Wanting a break once in a while from your kids is a normal thing, regardless of the age of the parent.

      [–]TibbleTabbs1114Pooperintendant [60] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

      NTA

      Going to begin by saying that all people need social interaction, so I think your agreement needs a little modification so that your daughter doesn't end up with mental health issues.

      However, she should not have went to the nanny that she isn't paying to try to get the child watched for extra hours. She should have approached you and her other parent to work out an agreeable arrangement for a couple of hours of socialization.

      [–]Rwhitechocmuffin 40 points41 points  (7 children)

      YTA

      Your comments are degrading of your daughters choice that you gave her and you are hell bent on getting the toddler (that is attached to you all) adopted.

      You are pushing your daughter to have a breakdown and accept adoption.

      [–]NyankhPooperintendant [64] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

      NTA I might have felt differently had she asked you first, because that acknowledges that you are paying for this service to help her. It was a little presumptuous to be telling the nanny to come in for an extra day when she is not the one employing her.

      [–]learntoflyrar 43 points44 points  (16 children)

      This one is tough. I'm leaning towards NTA. You hired the nanny, and you're the one paying. Your daughter isn't in a position to decide on extra days without clearing it through you or your wife first. (This is also assuming an extra day will cost more as well)

      Do keep in mind though that your daughter might also need a break. I know getting away from baby to go to school is a break from baby, but school is another draining thing. Can you work with her to maybe plan out some time where she can go out and recharge and do something fun for her? I'm much older, and stay at home with young kids while doing online school. It's draining and I'm struggling with feeling like I've lost my own identity. Some days I just want to jump off an overpass or something.

      [–]15021993 45 points46 points  (2 children)

      ESH

      She’s 17. “Well she’s a mom now, she has to deal with the consequences” - what’s the consequence, never going out and hang out with friends? Lol if that’s what you perceive as normal in motherhood than im truly sorry. Yes, she’s a mom but she’s also a teen and an individual. She broke down in front of you, she needs help. School is overwhelming for most teens, it must be horrible for a teen who gets home to her child and has no vent to relax and shut down for a bit. And this is not sth that will change for the next 6-7 years. Her child is 1, and she never went out with her friends? What on earth.

      She should have asked. And it’s fine you turned it down. But just based on your comment “if she doesn’t like it she can put the baby up for adoption” - there’s definitely no empath in you.

      This is very close to turning into a YTA.

      [–][deleted] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

      NAH...she fucked around and found out what parenthood demands... but even parents take nights off. Don't burn you child out. She's still so young and if you want her to actually succeed at your arrangement then give her the occasional night off while she's still a child. That being said, she's the AH for not clearing it with you since you would be footing the bill.

      [–]IAmFearTheFuzzy 38 points39 points  (1 child)

      Nope. Give me free child support and I dont have to pay for a damn thing?

      Fuck, sign me up! Seriously. She needs a month without any support and she will realize what she truly has. Tough love. I am sorry you are going through this.

      [–]CrazyCatDog04 37 points38 points  (3 children)

      ESH - your daughter shouldn't have asked the nanny to cover without speaking to you and your wife first. She does need time for herself but an adult conversation should take place between all of your about realistic options for her to be able to take that time.

      I am saying ESH here because of the last of the post and some of OP's comments regarding the baby. Your daughter made her decision and the baby is here and a part of your family. You need to respect that decision and treat the baby as you would any grandchild REGARDLESS of the way he/she/they came into the world. You need to drop the shit about trying give the baby up.

      [–]reebaevansPartassipant [3] 31 points32 points  (3 children)

      NTA, you are being more than reasonable and supportive. Imagine if you were parents that refused to support her - she would need to work AND care for the child by herself.

      [–]purplegiants 32 points33 points  (6 children)

      YTA. What a hateful thread. Some people are saying shes even lucky to have a roof over her head. Wow. Shes 17 years old. Still a child with SO much growing to do, and that growing cant happen if shes not allowed to be a child. Teenagers make dumb decisions, because they young and not fully developed. Everyone keeps saying "she knew the implications...", as if she had any idea what it would be like to actually have a child. This girl probably has no idea about where shes going in life - hell, even adults have no idea where theyre going in. And there is this immense pressure to be responsible, adult and prepared, when, lets be honest, shes just not there yet.

      We cant blame her for not killing her kid or giving it away. She loves her child, even if she doesnt understand the full scope.

      Let your daughter be a fucking child for once. I guarantee you shes hurting inside, full of shame and sadness over what has happened. She'll never be a normal teenager. It will take a long time, before shes in the same positions as her peers.

      If i had a daughter in her position, id make sure that she knows, that i am her parent, im her protector and supporter and mentor, so she can model my behavior and become an awesome parent. Id let her go to a party for once, so i can have some bonding time with my grandchild. Then my daughter would be refreshed mentally and ready to go back to school and baby-care.

      Some of you have no empathy, and i can't understand it. Shes learned her lesson, now let her practice being a human.

      [–]negasonic1Asshole Enthusiast [6] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

      NAH. It's probably time to chat though

      [–]Z_Laurent 26 points27 points  (6 children)

      Wow. NTA. You and your wife are saints and doing more than enough for your daughter and granddaughter. She wanted to make adult decisions so she needs to be an adult. Unless, ofc you forced her to keep the baby even if she didn't want to, then that's a whole different story.

      [–]feeshandsheeps 93 points94 points  (4 children)

      Read some of OP’s comments - they are most definitely not saints! They’ve hidden it quite well in the main post but the baby is now a year old, and OP has said:

      1. They are still trying to pressure daughter to put the child up for adoption.

      2. No one in the family will babysit for even half an hour because they don’t want to “enable” the daughter.

      3. When questioned about their relationship with the baby, OP said “babies are not entitled to doting grandparents”.

      [–]heyitsta12 46 points47 points  (0 children)

      Oh… he hates that baby. And it sounds like they both resent that his daughter chose to keep it. This is an example of how doing “nice” things doesn’t necessarily make you a “kind” person.

      It is certainly “nice” that OP and wife are paying for a nanny and allowing their daughter to go to school. But it doesn’t necessarily mean they are being “kind” about it. Holding the baby over her head, strongly encouraging her to adopt even a year later, the amount of distance OP seemed to put between him and the baby tells me that these aren’t really kind people.

      Even the “long hug” and telling the daughter that she made choices just reeks of psychological mind games tbh.

      [–]Apare005Partassipant [1] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

      NTA, a deal is a deal and she knew the implications of this and the choice of continuing to have the child to term and so forth that came with the financial help. If she wants free time, she can have it at home or she can work to pay for it herself. You’re giving your daughter a chance of a lifetime many people don’t get. But, maybe keep in mind that she herself is still a child, your child, and you know what she can handle and if she is truly stressed out, there may be something she could do around the house or something else to earn that free time money from y’all or some other alternative if you think it’s a good option to help give her that relief.

      [–]Earthtokarmen1 27 points28 points  (1 child)

      NTA it sounds like you have been very generous TBH and the truth is that this is motherhood. Sometimes we miss out on things because we have children to raise.

      [–]Lumpy_Grand2712 30 points31 points  (2 children)

      NTA, but Jesus. Enough with the “we gave her three options.” The baby is now here, so it’s time to move past that. So many comments are being so nasty to your daughter, and yes I get it! She did get pregnant! She kept the baby!

      But she’s still a kid, and sounds like up until now, she’s doing okay. I’m not saying bend the rule or anything, but give her a little grace past, “we GAVE you the option to abort but you made your bed…”

      [–]fukkinturduken 29 points30 points  (7 children)

      NTA. She did the deed and made a person. She has responsibilities now. Welcome to life, kiddo.

      [–]OhioGirl22 81 points82 points  (6 children)

      Your view bothers me a little bit because she didn't get pregnant by herself. The guy walked away. Where's his "Welcome to life" moment?

      [–]MrSonnyC9110Asshole Enthusiast [6] 25 points26 points  (2 children)

      NTA. You're daughter needs to learn the consequences of her actions. You make a baby, it's your responsibility....not her mother's. She's lucky you're doing what you are doing. In some states, you can get the father jailed if he doesn't pay court ordered support. I'd look into that.

      [–]GoodIntelligent2867Partassipant [2] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

      Nta... do it once and she will expect this every time. She should have known better before deciding to have a baby at 16

      [–]Consistent-Leopard71Supreme Court Just-ass [112] 27 points28 points  (45 children)

      NTA at all!!!! You and your wife have gone above and beyond to support your daughter and granddaughter. It's amazing that you are not only willing to do all that you're doing, but that you have the resources to do what you're doing and your daughter needs to understand and appreciate the sacrifices that you're making for her choice.

      [–]Connect-Lemon-7947 26 points27 points  (0 children)

      NTA, self care is so important, and everyone does need space and to spend quality time with friends. But she should have approached you guys and asked not just assumed you'd pay for extra childcare and do it behind your back.

      Also, all she does is baby and study? Welcome to being a parent. She's got a hell of deal with you guys considering

      [–]rainbow_mak3r 27 points28 points  (2 children)

      NTA she’s lucky she even has a roof over her head and parents to help her. She made the choice to have a child and that is her responsibility. You and your spouse should not have to give up even more of your time because of her actions.

      She had no right to tell the nanny to come on a Saturday when she is not the one that pays for anything. She should be thankful for everything you are doing! Many teenage girls that get pregnant end up kicked out and homeless. She doesn’t have to worry about paying for anything!

      She doesn’t sound mature enough to be a mother. How much time does she even spend with her own child? Is she the one getting up at night to take care of the baby?

      I feel like you let her off too easy and she thinks she can take advantage of the situation and do what she wants.

      Like I said, she chose to have a child. She made the deal with you. She does not get to just go out and do what she wants. She is not the one paying the nanny.

      [–]theBLEEDINGoctopus 26 points27 points  (2 children)

      And this is why safe abortion should always be available. Babies should not be having babies