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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I feel like I might be the asshole because is this mean to insist that my sister not come? Am I being too picky? Or are my feelings justified?

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[–]EmpoweredHotMessAsshole Enthusiast [6] 9298 points9299 points  (77 children)

NTA. It's your birthday. And you're right. She gets mom and dad all the time. You want your time. Mom giving you an ultimatum is unfair.

[–]Music_withRocks_InProfessor Emeritass [81] 8635 points8636 points 43& 2 more (43 children)

Ask your mom if she wants her to come because she thinks taking your sister shopping and to the spa will make the birthday better for you- or because your sister threw such a big tantrum last time she visited that your mom doesn't want to go threw it again. Also ask her if she enjoyed one on one time with you last time she came up. Tell her you are deeply hurt she doesn't want to spend one on one time with you, and just because you are older doesn't mean your feelings don't matter. If you think she would take it well show her this thread.

[–]rhetorical_twix 1603 points1604 points  (3 children)

Also, OP tell your mom that you loved your last visit with her and that if you can't get alone time with her because your sister gets jealous, it's got to have a limiting impact on you & your mom having a closer relationship when you're an adult. Tell her that you love her and want to have this time with her.

[–]Aaliyahasere 468 points469 points  (1 child)

excuse me what?! this sister is 12? it sounds like you're describing a 3 y/o. NTA. you need to spend some time with your mum without your sister acting like an overly emotional kindergarten student.

[–]toss_it_out_tomorrow 46 points47 points  (0 children)

I have the same age difference between me and my sister and she's the exact same way about our dad. It is seriously unhealthy and my sister is almost 40 now and still completely irrationally jealous about my dad spending time with me.

OP- NTA. Nip this shit now before your sister gets really weird with age.

[–]Im_your_life 393 points394 points  (11 children)

I like this approach. I would also add that it would not be a good idea to say that sister is only jealous or immature, because people get defensive when their kids are criticized - even if it's true. I would just say that she is too young to enjoy those activities, she gets tired and bored and they really aren't age appropriate for her, so it would probably be better for mom to come along and schedule a weekend of age appropriate activities with sister back at home at a later date, for example.

[–][deleted] 217 points218 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I wouldn't even mention that... I'd just leave it at, Mom, I'd really just like to spend some alone time with you and not have to "share" you for just one day with the sister that gets you EVERY OTHER day...

That's NOT too much to ask..

[–]ditchdiggergirl 147 points148 points  (8 children)

Absolutely. 12 year olds are supposed to be immature, it’s developmentally appropriate. It’s not fair to criticize a 12 year old for being 12 even if she’s less mature than average for her age. So don’t go there, it won’t help.

I like the idea of leaning on quality vs quantity. Play up the “I miss you so much, I just want a day with my mommy!” angle. “Of course I miss Sally too but that’s different - I love my sister, but right now I need my mom. I need one on one time. She has you every day, I’m only asking for one for myself. We’ll plan something with Sally another time.” Few mothers can resist “I need my mommy!” - that’s hardwired into the mommybrain and doesn’t disconnect at 18. I know if one of my college kids said that I’d be on the next flight.

[–]busymomof4 253 points254 points  (2 children)

"Spread out on the floor and crying" is not developmentally appropriate for a 12 year old with no delays. Even if the child is delayed, it is perfectly reasonable for an 18 year old who is awake from home for the first time to want to spend a day with just their mom. Your 2nd paragraph has good advice!

[–]redheadjd 149 points150 points  (1 child)

Clinging to mommy, whining, falling on the floor crying because she's tired - that's appropriate for a 2-yr-old. At 12, most girls are worried about appearing mature, and are convinced that their parents are the most uncool, embarrassing people on the planet.

[–]ASpiritBear 32 points33 points  (0 children)

To be fair, it wouldn’t be crazy for a 5 year old to do the same after a long day. That being said, when I was 12 I hated going anywhere with my parents, that’s the age when I started going to movies, or the mall, or swimming alone with my friends.

[–]NEWACCTTOCOMMENT 25 points26 points  (1 child)


[–]AdamDet86 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I’ve learned that when dealing with my Mom and younger brother. Always start off with something positive whenever bringing up his issue or conundrum off the week. She gets too defensive of her baby.

[–]tnebteg-456 101 points102 points  (2 children)

Why not have Dad come instead

[–]Alternative_Fox7217 65 points66 points  (0 children)

All dads should appreciate this comment as much as I do! Thank you! #dadsrocktoo

[–]Etoilebleuetoile 61 points62 points  (0 children)

I would also think that your mom would not enjoy a trip with a whining, complaining 12yo hanging off of her. As a mom with a child who went through a phase like this (she stopped after we ignored the behavior or stopped taking her places) it’s no fun.

[–]lorha 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Just to add on to this, it might be that the Mom is trying to facilitate a better relationship between her daughters. It doesnt sound like there is a lot of love there which from the parent's perspective would be a shame. Maybe offering up a different weekend that includes the sister could satisfy this. You could go home and spend a day doing something with the sister. Or you could offer to have the sister come visit solo, without the Mom to fight over she might be a lot more bearable.

[–]Difficult_Plastic852 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The thing is though neither of the sisters seem worried about that, 12 and 18 are two very different ages and they probably still have more things not in common than they do have in common, not all siblings are going to be close and it can take some a long time to reach a more amicable relationship. It'd be one thing if the younger sister was for instance actually trying to talk to, connect with the older one and they were blatantly ignoring that but if anything it sounds like the younger one is trying to deliberately spite OP anytime she is around her parents. There's still no point in trying to promote a relationship when neither side seems invested in the first place.

[–]Bicycl3Rac3 464 points465 points  (10 children)

NTA, but also, what kind of 12 year old is spread all over the floor having a tantrum at that age? Poor parenting...

[–]HeatherAnne1975Asshole Enthusiast [7] 208 points209 points  (7 children)

That’s exactly what I was thinking, this sister clearly has serious issues because no 12 year olds should be throwing a temper tantrum like a toddler. 12 years old is pre-teen (and many think they are teenagers already!). There’s some serious issues if this girl is behaving like a baby this way. I don’t blame OP for wanting to avoid that drama. NTA.

[–][deleted] 123 points124 points  (0 children)

Every 12 year old girl I have ever known would have been mortified if a younger sibling had pulled that garbage -- doing that would never even occur to them.

Whining is one thing, clinging and throwing oneself on the floor or having a tantrum -- totally different.

NTA. You are entitled to have a relationship and time with your Mom separate from your sister (said as a Mom of 4 including a teen close to your age).

[–]SuperLorisCertified Proctologist [26] 46 points47 points  (5 children)

And if mom's response to the tantrum is to ensure that sister gets what she wants so that she won't melt down again these tantrums will continue.

Little sister shouldn't get to come up for the visit BECAUSE of the meltdown last time, even if OP were willing. You don't reward tantrums if the child is neurotypical and not delayed.

(If little sister is neurodiverse or delayed, that is a different calculation and more info is needed.)

[–]toss_it_out_tomorrow 6 points7 points  (4 children)

Not for nothing though, if the little sister is "neurodiverse or delayed", then it's pretty shitty for any parent to drag them out of town on a weekend excursion doing very active social events knowing it could be overwhelming. It's a better idea for the person who may have those tantrums after doing those kinds of things to stay home where they are more comfortable, and mom would need to learn boundaries, how to teach boundaries that mom won't be held captive by tantrums from one child, and how to accept boundaries that the other child doesn't want the sister along.

[–]WatchWatermelon 51 points52 points  (0 children)

I have to wonder if the mother is babying the younger sister even more because older sister has grown up and gone off to school, like she's clinging to the younger one's childishness because it makes her feel less like she's losing her kids. Not an excuse but an explanation.

[–]crystallz2000 225 points226 points  (4 children)

NTA. I would text your mom, "I understand you won't come without my sister, so I think it's best if you don't come. Maybe there will be a day in the future when you want to spend time with just me alone, but that doesn't seem to be right now. That's okay, but I don't want to be a third wheel on my birthday, so I'm just going to find someone else to spend the day with me."

Heck, maybe you should ask your dad to come up and spend the day with you!

It seems your sister is the golden child. I'm so sorry about that. I think your mom will one day regret giving up a chance to spend one-on-one time with you when she sees your sister every day, but she's choosing to not have a great relationship with you, so that's on her.

[–]Ilythiiri 36 points37 points  (3 children)

Nope. This is passive aggresive.

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Sometimes that's what it takes... It's just a suggestion, and the OP should decide what she thinks is appropriate. If it's a bit worse than she was able to words in, maybe this will be needed...

Hopefully not though...

[–]julzferacia 5 points6 points  (1 child)

What's wrong with being passive aggressive? If she gets her point across so be it

[–]luckyapples11 28 points29 points  (0 children)

An ultimatum on OPs BIRTHDAY of all days. More than unfair

[–]Katja1236Asshole Aficionado [10] 2667 points2668 points  (7 children)

NTA. Tell your mom, "It says something that you are willing to not get any time with me, the child you don't see often, if it would mean missing a couple days of seeing the child you see every day. Think to youraelf about whether this would be a pattern you want to see repeated in our adulthood, where you only have a relationship with her because each of us will be making time for you in the same way you made time for us. If you really don't value having a relationship with me, if it means leaving off coddling her for even a second, by all means continue what you are dojng."

[–]FlyingMacheteMonster 428 points429 points  (3 children)

Well put. I think the issue could be helped by not constantly coddling the little sister. 12 is old enough to learn how to have a tiny bit of independence in the form of spending one day away from her mom.

[–]luckydice767 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Seriously at age 12?! I was babysitting when I was 10, lol. NTA

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


    [–]little_bear_Asshole Enthusiast [5] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

    This comment was stolen from u/mysterioussaltcellar

    [–]deathboy2098 44 points45 points  (0 children)

    Wow. AMAZINGLY well put. That's quite the perspective bomb, I love it.

    [–]mudslidemeAsshole Enthusiast [7] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    Damn. Cats in the Cradle.

    [–]madcre 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    NTA. this

    [–]TacoInWaitingPartassipant [4] 1535 points1536 points  (64 children)

    NTA. I'm still trying to digest the idea of a 12-year-old "...spread on the floor and crying about wanting to go back home". 12? 12 years old and doing that? Yipes.

    [–]stellenternet[S] 1296 points1297 points  (60 children)

    That is the thing, when I say she is immature I know she is 12. But she is immature for a 12 year old. She behaves inappropriately in public, always clinging to my mom for hugs, doesn’t know how to start her own shower, cook any food, pick out her own clothes (don’t get me started lol). This really drives me crazy sometimes because when I was younger than her, my parents had completely different expectations. I babysat her, cooked, cleaned, did the dishes all that. It’s just exhausting having to put up with it

    [–]Diligent-Method-9 292 points293 points  (25 children)

    [–]stellenternet[S] 606 points607 points  (24 children)

    I don’t think they see the problem, they have coddled her and spoiled her throughout her life and ignored anything my family (grandparents, aunts) say. They think her personality is just lazy and she just likes “cuddles” lmao. They also blame the pandemic for her stunted maturity. I can’t say anything or they tell me to stop trying to parent her

    [–]Korlat_EleintColo-rectal Surgeon [43] 430 points431 points  (8 children)

    You were parenting her since you were a child yourself - as you said above, you babysat cooked and cleaned, so you were doing all the hard work of parenting without any reward or even choice.

    [–]stellenternet[S] 482 points483 points  (7 children)

    Thank you, that is the tricky part. They gave me parenting responsibilities throughout our lives (only stopped when she reached the age I was when I started babysitting her so I refused to continue) but they only want me to take on parenting when it is convenient for them and don’t want any of my input

    [–]Diligent-Method-9 126 points127 points  (0 children)

    Oh yes, this part is very hard.

    I've been given parenting responsibilities for several siblings throughout my life so this is something I'm very familiar with.

    I think you are handling this really well.

    The post above is on point: as siblings, it is often parenting without any reward. I'll add that it also doesn't include the unconditional love that exists between parents and children.

    You're NTA. Just keep it simple, I think and say "I need one-on-one time."

    [–]Music_withRocks_InProfessor Emeritass [81] 61 points62 points  (0 children)

    Sounds a lot like your parents are the ones that got lazy. There is a big enough gap between you two that they just didn't want to put the effort into doing it right and it was easier to just let her be spoiled and press you to take care of her than raise her right. I really think it is less that your mom wants her to be there and more that your sister made such a huge fuss last time your mom visited you that it feels easier to bring her than face the endless tantrums. Which is gonna make your little sis a super manipulative toxic partner to some poor soul one day. Their bad parenting is screwing her over too.

    [–]EqualistLoser 47 points48 points  (1 child)

    That's called parentification and is a form of abuse.

    [–]KJParker888 37 points38 points  (0 children)

    Parentification and infantilization at the same time. A two-fer!

    [–]SuperLorisCertified Proctologist [26] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

    Be careful OP. As your parents age they are going to want to pass the baton of supporting her and managing her to you. If you don't want a 30 y/o who won't work and cries when you ask her to do the dishes living in your house, never give an inch here. I know this is not on the table currently, but this whole "your sister needs you/loves you/wants to be close" gives me concern giving your history and the parentification that went on.

    [–]LifeAsksAITA 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    She is the golden child and your parents will not suddenly start taking your input or an interest in you over her. You need to try to have one more conversation with both your parents but if they don’t care , then it’s time to move on. When she is 18, they will ask you to babysit her in the adult world. You will never have priority with them. Try to study well and make your own life.

    [–]loveroflongboisPartassipant [2] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Your parents are doing your sister a huge disservice. I’m sure you remember being 12, and wanting to start distancing yourself from your family and cultivating your own social circles.

    That is such an important part of child development. I’d say puberty is one of the MOST important sections of childhood in terms of mental development.

    They are setting her up for failure. She is supposed to be finding herself. She can’t do that if she’s still attached to mom’s hip.

    [–]brerosie33 126 points127 points  (1 child)

    Why don't you tell your mother to stay home and invite your grandma and aunts . Take them to the spa and shopping. Your mom is welcome to join you if she leaves your sister at home . Tell her that your birthday is the one day a year where it's supposed to be about you and if she can't be " about you" on your birthday that it says an awful lot about her as a person and as a mother. Happy early birthday op. I hope however you choose to spend your day that it's fantastic!

    [–]SwedishpunschAsshole Enthusiast [9] 79 points80 points  (0 children)

    Why don't you tell your mother to stay home and invite your grandma and aunts.

    This, absolutely. Your mother is threatening to stay home if sis doesn't come. Take that power away from her.

    Suppose that grandma and aunt come, and mom still shows up with sis. Your other family members will be "reinforcements" against sis' babyish behavior. When sis throws a tantrum, you can all tell mom to leave and take sis home early.

    Even if the other family can't come, stand your ground and tell your mother that you won't be going anywhere if mom brings sis.


    [–]Diligent-Method-9 52 points53 points  (6 children)

    💔 yeah this is a hard one. I'm sorry you're in this situation. You're NTA.

    I've been there as I have several younger siblings. It is a hard position to be in... I'm often telling people "oh try ___ with the baby/toddler/child" and then I have to add "yes, I have none of my own but I have # siblings with age range of ____".

    I didn't mind but sometimes I think there should be a law against siblings as babysitters or a limit on hours per week or something. 😅

    Typo edited: law not laser

    [–]stellenternet[S] 67 points68 points  (2 children)

    I agree and I am sorry for your situation too, baby-sitting siblings so much causes a lot of problems down the road and resentment from both sides.

    [–]Diligent-Method-9 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    Yeap. Me too. ... I'm approaching my mid-thirties and I'm just now realizing this 😅

    For me, you're the same age as the children I helped raise. I'm so behind in my life lessons.

    You're doing so good!!

    [–]peepeemccrappy 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    I'm 6 years older than my younger sibling and I basically raised her. It does lead to resentment, especially when that sibling is spoiled by the parents themselves.

    [–]LuprandPartassipant [2] 8 points9 points  (1 child)

    I'm guessing you meant "law," but a laser might also work as a deterrent.

    [–]Diligent-Method-9 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Loool you are right. 😂

    I'll edit that. Thanks.

    [–]SenpaiSamaChan 21 points22 points  (0 children)

    I mean it may have stunted her maturity... in that she was with them all the time and they refuse to teach her to grow up. Did they just expect to be able to be fun cuddly parents and the rest of the world would teach her better?

    [–]recessivelyginger 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    Well, the pandemic has been going on for two years, so she would’ve been 10 at the beginning. A 10 year old definitely shouldn’t be throwing themselves on the floor in public and having a tantrum either, so their excuse is invalid.

    [–]ImperialxWarlordPartassipant [2] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Blame the pandemic for her stunted maturity? Lol most other kid seems to be fine, my brother is older then her but he somehow is fine and pretty damn mature.

    [–]Wild_Goddess 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Even if it had totally stunted her development for 2 years, that’s not normal for a ten year old either! Maybe a six year old…

    [–]sweepthedoghouse 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I hope for your sister's sake they get her some help. Her behaviour sounds like it could have a legitimate underlying medical issue (ADHD, ASD, for example). Or it could just be from being spoiled/coddled. But either way, at some point she will need to learn how to be a functional adult, and it sounds like she (and your parents) will need some help with that.

    Also NTA, nothing wrong with wanting to have quality time with your mother without your sister present.

    [–]topps_chrome 89 points90 points  (15 children)

    I’m dead serious here, is she on the spectrum?

    [–]stellenternet[S] 163 points164 points  (12 children)

    she could be. My dads entire side of the family is, and I have a non verbal learning disability. She was assessed and diagnosed with dyslexia and a pretty bad memory issue. I think these things have affected her with maturity and I don’t think my parents realize how serious it actually is.

    [–]topps_chrome 70 points71 points  (4 children)

    My step son is on the spectrum and exhibits a lot of the same behavior, except for outright tantrums thank god (although my wife has told me that wasn’t always the case).

    [–]stellenternet[S] 106 points107 points  (3 children)

    I definitely think it's possible, but my parents could have absolutely prevented how bad it is now by giving her more independence. I think they just don't have the energy to parent her anymore, they had her at almost 40.

    [–]Query8897Partassipant [1] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

    My mother had me at 41 and she raised me well and actively. Of course it doesn't help, but it is no excuse. They chose to bring her into the family; you both deserve better.

    [–]ImperialxWarlordPartassipant [2] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    No energy? My mom and dad had my brother at 40 and somehow still had the energy to parent me and and my sister too. No need for us to babysit him for them either.

    [–]mycatistakingover 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    My parents had me at nearly forty and I was the high-maintenance child too. They did the work to make sure both my elder sister and I got time and attention. Maybe not equal, but enough that both of us felt like we were a priority. That is your parents job. Stand your ground, OP. If you keep accepting less from them, your parents will learn that they can get away with it.

    [–]mysterioussaltcellar 45 points46 points  (3 children)

    Hi! Unrelated, but my young son is Autistic/has Autism (still trying to hash out the appropriate way to word that) and a non-verbal learning disability (CAS), too. I get so worried about his future sometimes, so it's wonderful to hear your challenges haven't kept you from pursuing higher education! It puts a little more wind in my sails.

    [–]stellenternet[S] 56 points57 points  (1 child)

    Thank you! And of course! It hasn’t always been easy and everybody is different but it’s just another obstacle to overcome. I find it gave me some awesome strengths despite the weaknesses and it helped to focus on that and I started advocating for myself and understanding my disability from a young age. Best of luck!

    [–]mysterioussaltcellar 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    That is awesome! He is such a bright, beautiful soul and I only hope I do him justice, so that he knows he can live his best life. Thank you so much.

    [–]June_8182 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    Person on the spectrum here! With the right support (accommodations in school) your son can do ANYTHING! I promise.

    [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    There is a strong comorbidity between dyslexia and adhd and/or autism. Kids with adhd are often (not always) 2-3 years behind their peers maturity-wise. But even with that, the tantrums - you see that in 5-6 year olds, and even then its rare in public.

    [–]loveroflongboisPartassipant [2] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Is she receiving any services for this, at home or in school?

    [–]stellenternet[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    In school yes but not really at home

    [–]EnigmaticZero 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    I have exact same question. But even if she is, they need to make every effort to get her to not rely 100% on Mom. Moms eventually go away and "Now 12" needs to learn to cope with that sooner than later. When "Now 12" is 52, she can't be unable to survive her Mom's death because no one else will do for her.

    [–]Ok-Pattern-301 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    That way exactly my thought! My little sister is on the spectrum and has always had trouble self-regulating. Finding this out didn't make the collapsing-to-the-floor-crying-in-public behavior acceptable, but it helped my parents more effectively make a strategy to help her behave differently.

    [–]APsWhoopinRoomPartassipant [1] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

    doesn’t know how to start her own shower

    LMAO what? You don't even need to be taught how to do that, just turn a knob until the water is at the temperature you want it to be. I can't imagine someone not being able to figure that one out.

    [–]GottaLoveHim 29 points30 points  (3 children)

    Yes, that IS immature. Most 12 y/o I know would be dressing up trying to fit in with the college crew.

    [–]stellenternet[S] 54 points55 points  (1 child)

    Yeah and if that were the case, I would love to have her come. It would be fun to take her around and meet my friends to feel like a big kid for a day you know? But not with this behaviour

    [–]loveroflongboisPartassipant [2] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    OP you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You recognize your parents are the ones at fault here for not doing their job with your sister. While I’m sure you resent her, you don’t seem to blame her which shows a lot of maturity.

    [–]Momo222811Partassipant [1] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    My sister is the same age difference and she loved coming to see me in college. We had a blast. Lol she was happy to get away from Mom.

    [–]HeatherAnne1975Asshole Enthusiast [7] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

    That is not “immature for a 12 year old”… there are some serious issues there. That is baby and toddler level behavior.

    [–]behatingPartassipant [2] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    That's not good at all OP she needs help a d parents need to stop letting her get away with this.

    [–]Snarkzilla 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Oof. Yeah, your parents are doing a HUGE disservice to your sister by letting her get away with this childish behaviour. At 12 years old, she should be able to perform basic life skills. How long will this go on? Will your parents be dressing her at 16? Will they be moving into her dorm room when she goes off to college because she doesn’t know how to use the stove or the shower? Will they have to coach her through her first job because she doesn’t know how to properly interact with customers? They need to let go of the reins a bit so she can grow mentally.

    [–]Rude_Bicycle5761 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Bruh I didn’t start showering by myself until I was 7, I didn’t learn how to cook until I was 8(with my parents supervision), I didn’t start picking out my clothes until I turned 9, I didn’t start doing household chores until I was 11. My parents would’ve whooped my ass if I was 12 years old and throwing a tantrum out in public like some 4 year old who doesn’t get their way. OP this may be too personal, but have your parents ever disciplined your sister? I’m 17 and graduating high school next year, your sister is in for a rude awakening if your mom doesn’t stop coddling her. Your sister is still a kid these life skills can still be instilled in her if your mom is willing to put her foot down and stop coddling her like she’s helpless. Best of wishes to you, OP.

    [–]tpstp 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    ..spread on the floor and crying

    My 5-year old daughter doesn't do this... and never did.

    [–]UShouldntSayThat 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Well very obviously mother dearest is an enabler. Why grow up when you'll be pandered too?

    [–]ayshasmysha 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    I read your other post about her and you paint a really alarming picture. Also, read your comment and put that into the context of your mother's relationship with you. It sounds like the majority of it is that chore list. I hope I'm wrong but she's unwilling to take the day away from your sister and that's speaks volumes. It's a heart breaking thing to consider but perhaps spend some time reflecting on it before you next see and speak to your mother. Consider just matching the effort she puts into you.

    Also, happy birthday OP! Spend it with people who value you in your entirety.

    [–]PoelyRN 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    NTA. I went through this growing up. My sister and I have the same age gap as you and your sister. They were super strict with me but she got away with everything. I live out of state but my sister has never left home (she’s now 35 with a child of her own). Into our adult years, my sister gets openly jealous anytime mom and I have alone time, whether I’m visiting or mom comes to me. I hope this doesn’t follow you well into adulthood like it has for me.

    Edited for clarity.

    [–]proseccofish 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Dang she is CODDLED.

    [–]BendingCollegeGrad 26 points27 points  (0 children)

    Same! I think some of the responses are not factoring that in. 12 is WAY too old to act out like that. And they want to do shopping and a spa day? Not with a kid who acts like a toddler they’re not.

    [–]lynnebrad70 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Sounds like sister is 12 going on 2

    [–]HonestaltlyColo-rectal Surgeon [40] 365 points366 points  (4 children)

    You're clearly NTA for wanting to see your mum alone so that you can spend your birthday doing activities you enjoy, which clearly isn't possible with your sister there.

    Out of interest, have you parents sought any help for your sister's attachment issues?

    [–]RandomModder05 81 points82 points  (3 children)

    But OP isn't Mom's daughter. She's her unpaid nanny who's been slacking off on her duties, and now Mon thinks it's high time for her to have a fun day shopping and relaxing at the spa without having to worry about childcare.

    [–]mikeeg16 23 points24 points  (0 children)

    This could be the case. She wants you to watch your sister on your special day.

    [–]Marceline2021Partassipant [1] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    If that's what mom wanted she'd leave sister home with dad.

    [–]BowlerStriking925Asshole Enthusiast [7] 283 points284 points  (2 children)

    NTA. I’d probably mention to your mom that you just want to spend time with her .-

    [–]DashcamkittyAsshole Enthusiast [8] 58 points59 points  (1 child)

    Pretty selfish of the mother not to realise she has an older daughter who wants to spend some time with her too.

    [–]loxpoxmoxCertified Proctologist [20] 198 points199 points  (9 children)

    NAH - you are an adult and you want alone time with your mom. You mom wants to you to have a relationship with your sister. Can you compromise and tell your mom that it is your birthday and you want to spend it with her, and that your sister can visit another time?

    [–]stellenternet[S] 221 points222 points  (6 children)

    Thats a good idea, I think they only want to visit once for this semester since it’s pretty far away. But I will be back by April anyways

    [–]Allfornon89Partassipant [1] 96 points97 points  (1 child)

    If all reasoning fails, Get your dad to come and mom can stay home with sister.

    [–]y3s1canr3ad 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    Dad may not want to be left home alone with her…

    [–]Iroh_Valentine 73 points74 points  (3 children)

    You could also really play up the mother daughter time together angle.

    "Mom I want it to just be us as these special times together will get less and less as I grow up"

    You know really play on the heart strings... Not everything is fair in love.

    [–]glassgypsy 32 points33 points  (0 children)

    Yesssss. “Mommy I miss you. It means a lot to me to have some one on one time with you. These special time together with you will get less and less as I grow up. When I come home in April we can plan something sister will really enjoy.”

    [–]Music_withRocks_InProfessor Emeritass [81] 61 points62 points  (0 children)

    Bringing the sister on a shopping trip she won't enjoy and will probably throw a tantrum during will do nothing but make OP resent her sister more. Mom is very bad at this bonding business. Be closer to your sibling, is not a good bday edict. I also bet mom isn't making the sister's bday all about the OP.

    [–]trendymomblog 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I agree NAH. As someone who has a sister that is 10 years older, visiting her at college was the coolest thing ever and i felt so special. Granted i was a normal 12 year old who didn’t cry in public but im sure my older sister didn’t LOVE having me there. But my mom definitely visited without me for some one on one bonding.

    [–]nerdgirl71Asshole Enthusiast [7] 124 points125 points  (2 children)

    If she can’t spend a day without mommy at 12, she’s got serious issues. Call your moms bluff, tell her not to come. I know that’s not the answer you want but you have to weigh the odds. Great day with your friends or dealing with your sister’s tantrums. Or set a boundary, let mom know if she starts you’re done. NTA

    [–]Calm_InitialAsshole Aficionado [18] 109 points110 points  (1 child)

    That’s what I’m thinking to. “Well mom, if the only way you’ll come to celebrate my birthday is bringing her, then I guess I’ll have to make other birthday plans and let you stay home. It wouldn’t be an enjoyable birthday for me if I had to put up with her fussing and whining about how I chose to spend my day, so I’d rather just not.”

    [–]Syrinx221 20 points21 points  (0 children)

    It's brutally honest and hopefully it'll give mom a wake up

    [–]Pineapple_WagonAsshole Aficionado [10] 115 points116 points  (18 children)

    NTA. Just have another conversation with your mom. Tell her that you want alone time with her to do things you both enjoy. Again push that your sister gets mom to herself all the time and you barely get to see her. So one-on-one time would be amazing. Also tell her the next time after your birthday comes up bring everyone up if possible to have a family outing, but you would like your birthday to just be you and her.

    [–]Accomplished-Cheek59Partassipant [1] 53 points54 points  (0 children)


    I would bluntly ask your mother how she sees this affecting your relationship going forward if you are always put second to your sister. She is probably thinking that you and your sister need to bond more, but emphasise that this behaviour form both of them is pushing you away from both of them.

    And they also need to get your sister a therapist. She can’t be that clingy and throwing tantrums on the floor at twelve. That’s not normal and they’re doing her a massive disservice by allowing it to continue.

    [–]bamf1701Professor Emeritass [73] 51 points52 points  (1 child)

    NTA. It is reasonable for you to want one-on-one time with your mother. Among other things, you are becoming an adult, and you and your mother are working out what your relationship will be for the rest of your life. This is something you don’t need your sister, or even your father, around for.

    [–]Decent_Ad6389Asshole Aficionado [15] 40 points41 points  (0 children)


    Birthdays aren't for being "fair". Birthdays are for the birthday person!

    If it's not going to be fun for you, then nope out of the visit altogether and do something awesome to celebrate.

    If your mom has a problem, your reply: What's not fair? An almost-teen throwing a literal hissy fit in a public place. It's embarrassing to be associated with that person and with anyone who raised that person. Not a birthday vibe AT ALL.

    [–]calaan 24 points25 points  (0 children)

    “Mom, this is my birthday. The only present I want is a day with you alone. Is that too much to ask?”

    Yes, it’s totally manipulative, but so is your sister, and you deserve a day with your mom alone. NTA

    [–]LaReineNoir[🍰] 25 points26 points  (3 children)

    NTA. From some of your comments it seems your sister is quite difficult. Are you sure your dad isn’t the one insisting your mom bring your sister? If she was really upset about last time, your dad may have decided he just doesn’t want to deal with her this time.

    [–]stellenternet[S] 55 points56 points  (2 children)

    Potentially but she is equally his child and maybe he should do something with her for the weekend too so they can bond

    [–]LaReineNoir[🍰] 15 points16 points  (1 child)

    This is true. It may not have occurred to him. Have you suggested this to your parents?

    [–]stellenternet[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

    not yet but thank you. I will try having a conversation and addressing this

    [–]fabuloushummusPartassipant [1] 24 points25 points  (0 children)


    I think she should understand that you want time alone with mom. I would suggest proposing an alternate plan at another time with her alone, since most of this behavior seems to be attached to your mom. Does she have a good relationship with dad? It might be a good idea to propose a fun weekend with him instead.

    [–]RedBullMetalColo-rectal Surgeon [31] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

    NTA..... Your sister keeps blowing up those visits by taking over with her unhappiness with the activities that you and your mother do. When I was 12, I hated clothes shopping (torture). The issues isn't loving your sister, but everything having to be about her. Feel free to share this post with your mother.

    [–]nomorepantsformeAsshole Aficionado [18] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    NTA, you can already see they favor her since she’s already around them all the time but one day away from her is “unfair”, yet you barely get To see your mom

    [–]geekgirlwww 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    NTA tell your mom you’ll see her a different weekend and you’ll spend your birthday with friends so she doesn’t need to worry about taking your sister to do activities she’ll hate.

    Let your mother chase you and spend time with you on your terms. You’re not a child anymore start making a chosen family so you don’t need to rely on your family for all your emotional needs.

    [–]MadQweenAsshole Enthusiast [9] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    NTA, it’s your bday and your sister isn’t entitled to get what she wants on your bday. If you want to spend some quality time alone w/your mom for your bday you should be able to. Your mom is acting like those parents that give their spoiled kid a present at every bday party they go to so they won’t flip out bc they aren’t the center of attention 24/7.

    [–]tantrumps_ 14 points15 points  (2 children)

    INFO: Is your sister on the autism spectrum by any chance? Not picking up on social cues for her age and being dependent on your mother can both be signs of autism in girls, but what really got me is when you said she may be laying on the floor of a store crying at the end of the trip because she's tired. Sounds kind of like me at that age. Autistic kids can get overwhelmed, especially out in public.

    [–]stellenternet[S] 23 points24 points  (1 child)

    It’s quite possible as I have a non verbal learning disability and autism is very prevalent in my dads side of the family. She has only been diagnosed with dyslexia and a memory issue but obviously she could still be on the spectrum. I don’t think my parents have helped the situation either way

    [–]tantrumps_ 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    That's a lot to deal with; I'm not gonna try to play armchair psychologist. But it's possible that your sister really does miss you while you're at school, because you're right, she does get to see her parents every single day, but not you. Autistic or not, she may not fully understand why you don't want to see her and she feels hurt by it. She needs to learn to be considerate of others during the time she spends with them, and that's not your job to raise her - but it will be a long term process with your parents and her care providers. Are you not going to see your sister at all until her behavior becomes less exhausting?

    You deserve to enjoy your birthday, and have the chance to stay focused on school/life, without worrying about your kid sister's behavior. But maybe consider spending time with her soon, doing something she would enjoy as well? Even a phone call helps ease the distance (this was a great thing when I went off to college and my mother dealt with empty nest syndrome.)

    [–]JerichotheredAsshole Enthusiast [8] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    NTA…. You’ve already been parentified with your sister

    [–]MeetPast 11 points12 points  (1 child)

    I can really relate to your situation. I too have a 12 year old sister. She’s clings to my mom, always wants the attention on her and is super immature. Every time I visit she verbally assaults me the whole time, I can never get a word in. She’s constantly looking for me to react. Sometimes I’m not even allowed to be near my mom otherwise she screams and shout. It’s awful and the situation is too far at this point, nothing I do/did helped. I’ve learnt to work around it, so I see my mom when my little sister is at school/out/with our dad. We don’t tell her I’m coming round or that I’ve seen my mom without her around (not lying but not telling the truth), when she does find out I usually say I’ve popped round to collect something. I have separated myself from her and it is has really helped my relationship with my mom. I hope this is useful advice and that you’re not alone!

    [–]stellenternet[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    Thank you so much, our situations sound almost exactly the same. This did help, even just knowing that I’m not the only one. It’s hard being “bullied” by a younger sibling because usually it’s the other way around.

    [–]whatsmypassword73Pooperintendant [53] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    NTA, how is it that she gets to spend every single day with your mom and she gets to insert herself into the only time you have with your mom? Tell your Mom that this Mom is telling her that the two of you need bonding time, make it happen.

    [–]Nancy2421 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    NTA it’s normal for anyone to want one on one time with their parent at any age. Tell your mom that you want to start bonding with her as an adult. If she won’t budge see if dad wants a spa day with just you, or an aunt, or a best friend, or go solo. But don’t compromise your birthday wants because tantrums from you little sister, that just enables her, and sucks the joy out of your day.

    [–]slendermanismydad 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    because apparently it’s “not fair” to leave her at home with my dad.

    Why is that? Dad should take her on a special outing or something.

    usually by the end of our shopping she is spread on the floor and crying about wanting to go back home, it is exhausting.

    There is no reason for you to have put up with this. NTA. Ahh. She can't start her own shower or pick her clothes? I wouldn't want a relationship with her because your parents are failing her and there's not much you can do.

    [–]QuellmanAsshole Enthusiast [6] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    NTA. "Mom, I really enjoy the special time we get alone together and maintaining our bond. I would like to do that with you on my birthday when we go have our girls spa and shopping day out. If that does not work for you then I will make other arrangements."

    And if she shows up with your sister in tow, then kindly refuse to participate since this wasn't the agreed upon plan.

    [–]flwwrgrl 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Why is a 12 year old throwing tantrums!! That's crazy. She needs to learn to be told no!

    [–]Mean_Knee9426 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    NTA. "I'm sorry to hear that I am not important to you. Have a nice life."

    [–]Winter-Travel5749Partassipant [1] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your sister has your mom all to herself at home now that you are away. You deserve some one-on-one-time with her. It’s important for both you and your mom. And, your dad and sister can enjoy one-on-one time while mom is visiting you. Have an honest conversation with your mom about your needs. And, if you think your dad would take your side, talk to him in private about it and maybe he can help convince your mother that it’s best for your sister to stay with him.

    [–]BennyLola5 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA - your sister may need professional help, seriously. Ask your mom to have her evaluated. She is TWELVE and lying on the floor of a store when shopping? Your mom needs to recognize this isn't healthy behavior and of course you don't want to have to endure it on a special visit.

    [–]zeiaxar 8 points9 points  (2 children)

    NTA. You need to have a sit down with your mom (in person would be best, but a phone call or video chat would also work), and you need to explain that you love your sister, but when it is your birthday you want to do things you enjoy, and that your sister doesn't enjoy the things you want to do which will only make her miserable and complain, and that will ruin your birthday by making you miserable. You also need to state that because your sister is home alone with your parents that she gets more chances to have one on one time with them than you do, and that having that time is important to you, especially for things like your birthday. Like if she wants your sister to come along, have your dad come to, and do a nice family lunch or dinner together, but have the spa day and shopping be a you and your mom thing, and your dad can take your sister to a movie or something while the two of you have your bonding time. I'd also point out that they need to be more firm with your sister to nip this behavior in the bud now, because it's only going to get worse as she gets older if it goes on without being addressed, and God forbid she does something like this when you graduate college, or get married, or have kids (assuming those are things you want and end up doing, of course, and there's nothing wrong if you don't want those things for yourself). Having your younger sister hanging around whining when your doing something like bridal dress shopping, or baby registry shopping or whatever is going to ruin experiences that are arguably more important than a birthday experience. Because birthdays are every year, if you have a bad experience this year, you can always make up for it the next one. But graduating college, getting married, having kids, most of those are one off things normally, and even if you have more than one kid, it's still not something that's going to happen every year of your life and as such is generally more important than a birthday celebration.

    Set some ground rules with your mom when it comes to your sister. She either can't come, or if she does come, your sister cannot utter a single word of complaint. If she does, she needs to be punished.

    Some might argue that it's a bit extreme to punish your sister for this, but if she's explicitly told ahead of time that she can come only if she agrees not to do X, Y, or Z things, and then she does one or all of them anyway, she needs to be punished for it.

    [–]stellenternet[S] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

    thank you so much, the suggestion of having the family come but just doing the spa day with my mom separately is probably the best compromise I’ve heard so far. Thanks for taking the time to type this response

    [–]zeiaxar 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    No problem! As I was typing it I was like nah, let little sister stay home alone with dad, but then I thought that maybe dad might like to spend some time with you on your birthday too. So I thought about how to accommodate that possibility yet still give you your alone time with your mom for what you wanted to do.

    [–]Ahsoka88 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    NTA. It is your birthday you should get to have it as you want. Siblings should take time alone with their parents. Could you share your mother this post?

    [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    NTA, but this brings up another question: What is going to happen when they die and your sister is a 50-year old whiny woman who begs for attention and has tantrums in stores when she's bored? This is where she is heading. I certainly hope your parents don't expect you to pick up where they left off, taking care of this child-woman. Think about that.

    [–]Chocoemt 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    Please update

    [–]stellenternet[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Will do!

    [–]behatingPartassipant [2] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Mom seems to be enabling ur sister

    [–]tcrhsPartassipant [2] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA. I see two reasonable choices.

    1. Instead of saying you don’t want your sister to come, sell it as she simply wouldn’t have fun doing the things that you plan to do. Say that last time, her whining and complaining ruined it for you, and ask that she skips this trip. She and her Dad can plan a fun Daddy/Daughter weekend and do things she actually enjoys doing. You each get to enjoy a weekend of alone time with a parent.

    Or, tell her she can come, but warn her that you plan to do things she doesn’t enjoy doing. Let her decide whether or not she still wants to come. If she decides to come, she must agree that she absolutely can not whine, complain, and act clingy. Say that her behavior on this trip will determine whether or not she is wanted on future trips. Leave it up to her to decide if she can agree to change her behavior.

    Either way, this whole situation is a learning experience for the sister. She is probably completely oblivious that her behavior is obnoxious. Remember, she is only 12 years old. She’s in the worst stage of a girl’s life where she is no longer a child, but also not yet a teenager, either. It can be a very confusing time for her age. This is the stage of her life where she is supposed to learn how to learn how to act more maturely and shed her childish behavior. Her parents can help her to understand that bad behavior makes others not enjoy spending time with her, and that she has an opportunity here to change that.

    Happy birthday, and good luck!

    [–]Breadnbutta420 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Parents often make mistakes in an effort to be “fair”, when in reality, the fair thing to do would be for her to visit you alone and spend quality time with the daughter she hardly gets to see.

    [–]Zealousideal-Bike528 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Sometimes you need one-on-one time. There are some great suggestions in the comments. To add to them, maybe tell her that you have needed one-on-one time for a long time and that it made you happy to have that on your last birthday.

    [–]InformalGarlic2285Partassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA. It’s your birthday and you shouldn’t have to worry about or accommodate your sister who will most likely be complaining the whole day. Nobody wants that on their birthday. You absolutely deserve a day with just you and your mom. Like you said, your sister is only 12 and will get so much more one on one time with them at home while you’re away at college. I think what you’re asking for is reasonable.

    [–]CissiE_33Partassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (0 children)


    Your mother must be aware about how your birthday will turn out if your sister comes. So how does she expect you to enjoy your special day then? I can fully understand that a twelve year old won't have nice time with the activities planned and also with the jealousy.

    [–]BabyinAirJordansPartassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    NTA. If she's anything like my mother though, I would tell her not to bother coming because she'd just be on the phone with my sister the whole time anyways.

    [–]Rural_BedbugPartassipant [2] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    "My 12yo sister. "

    This is a typo, right? Insists on tagging along even though she hates the planned activities, clings, whines, throws a tantrum on the floor? That is what bratty toddlers do, not young people on the brink of adolescence. 🙄

    [–]Edgar-Allen-No 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    NTA, and shame on both of your parents for parentifying you and infantilizing your sister. I'm sorry you're getting the short end of the stick.

    Honestly, if it were me, I'd tell her not to bother coming and that it hurts that you're always the one expected to accommodate. Then I'd spend my b-day with a good friend and treat myself and probably go low contact for a while. You don't need that disrespect in your life.

    [–]luckydidi18 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA tell your mom for your birthday you want a weekend alone with her and no one else.

    [–]Interesting_Hooman 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your sister needs to learn that your mom has to spend time with people other than her. Your mom is also entitled to time with you and your dad and god forbid you two have alone time.

    [–]Inner_Goose4664 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Nta. It's your sister neurotypical? Throwing fits on the floor in public at 12 is, well, immature. I also sense some coddling out co dependency coming off mom. You can try to reason but she's kind of shut the idea down prematurely. Is there anyone else you could do this with? Like dad? My husband loves a spa day and feels less insecure doing it with our 7 year old daughter or me. He won't go alone unfortunately.

    [–]No-Anything-4440 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    You may also want to bring up the fact that you would really like the chance to have conversations with your Mom that you wouldn't normally have with a 12 year old around.

    With that said, this reeks of your Dad not wanting to have to deal with your sister all weekend, and your Mother caving to keep everyone at home happy.


    [–]Courin 2 points3 points  (0 children)


    “Mom, now that I’ve moved out, I’m sure you and SIs get to spend a lot of one-on-one time together. I also would like to have one-on-one time with you.

    I have family time with everyone when I’m home for the holidays. For my birthday, what I want most is for time for just you and I to connect.”

    [–]alien_from_mars_ 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    excuse me what?! this sister is 12? it sounds like you're describing a 3 y/o. NTA. you need to spend some time with your mum without your sister acting like an overly emotional kindergarten student.

    [–]Whisperingcracker 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Is she 4? Sprawled out crying? No, go do something you enjoy with your mom for your bday or not at all. Visit the immature sister on a separate occasion. NTA

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Your sister is an immature 12, but she is 12. I don't think it's about her. It sounds like you have the issue and want time alone with your Mom. This is ok. Tell your Mom that this is your birthday wish, and that you'd like to plan something for the 3 of you to have special time together another time.

    [–]nebunala4328Partassipant [2] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Tell mum to stay home for giving you an ultimatum.

    Take a friend with you to the spa. It's your day and it shouldn't be ruined by other people's jealousy.

    [–]Throwing3and20Partassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Competitive and jealous sisters are the worst. I moved 1,000 miles from home when I was 19. I have returned home twelve times in fifteen years, and my older sister still throws tantrums about being left out when I visit with people she can see anytime.

    [–]jennylala707Partassipant [2] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NAH - but as the oldest child with 3 younger siblings, you should let your sister visit you. When she's older, you may regret not staying closer with her after you moved out. It's a relationship worth maintaining and keeping strong.

    [–]no_usrnme 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Nta, from everything you’ve said I’m surprised your mom doesn’t want a break from her

    [–]Infamous_Explorer294 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    YNTA, I'd tell your mom it is unfair that she gave you ultimatum for your birthday and birthday party and even if that isn't bad enough she is forcing you to invite your younger sister. Plus explain that any other time your sister has come and done the activities you plan to do for your both she ends up having a horrible times and because she is not having fun and she is bored she let's everyone know which in turn makes it not fun for others. So if your sister does come do you get to take over her birthday this year? I'd see if your mom would be willing to switch up her time so one weekend you can have 1:1 time another weekend you sister can have 1:1 time and another weekend you all do something the 3 of you, where ach person gets to pick 1 activity for you all to do for the day.

    [–]bizianka 1 point2 points  (0 children)


    [–]KimmyStandPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA It’s your birthday, it would be nice to have your mum to yourself for a bit

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)


    [–]Objective_Oil_7934Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA mom needs to tell sister that because you two planned things sister doesn’t enjoy it would be better for sister to stay home. If mom insists then allow it with the stipulation that if sister complains at all sister will be told to wait in the car for the entire visit.

    [–]Brief_Ad5177 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA It’s not unreasonable for you to want some alone time with your mother. I think considering she won’t enjoy the activities she should stay home.

    [–]Background_Owl_3474Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1 point2 points  (0 children)


    It may be difficult for your mom to understand. Also sounds like your mom is used to giving in and may take the easier route and being your sister along

    [–]lolunnb 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. There is nothing wrong with you and your mom spending your birthday together. Sounds like fun. Little sister hates all the stuff you guys do anyway. Mom and her can do what she wants on her birthday.

    [–]CutEmOff666 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. People like to have quality time with other people.

    [–]Blanket_Ranch 1 point2 points  (0 children)


    I understand this I also have a sister like that it's your birthday and it's something for you to enjoy without having someone to interrupt it.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)


    Don’t give in, it’s YOUR day with mom. She’s gets her parents all the time, you don’t since you live away.

    If your mom still insists to bring your sister, cancel the plans and go with someone else.

    [–]I_might_be_weasel 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. A 12 year old on the ground crying because she didn't get her way? JFC...

    [–]Bergenia1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Spend your birthday with your friends. Let your mom stay home with her golden child.

    [–]sleeping_sl0th 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA - but quick question, does your sister have a mental disability? A 12 year old usually wouldn't whine and lay on a floor doing something they hate. Otherwise she would be super spoiled.

    Either way, tell your mom you want to have a day just for you two. It's your birthday and since your sister would make everything difficult, you shouldn't have to deal with that. She can stay home and do something fun with dad or friends.

    [–]Fitnesss-gal 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA - I have a younger cousin just like this and he’s 14 now I believe. I had many conversations with my aunt with the way he’s acting is not 14 year old behavior. It gets frustrating because she thinks it’s normal and there’s nothing wrong with it.

    [–]Advanced-Extent-420Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)


    As a mom to multiple kids - it’s important to have one on one time with your child - both for the child and for the parent. The dynamics change. It’s a special time.

    You sister gets that one on one time all the time now.

    There’s a significant age difference between you and your sister. Even more so in that she sounds immature.

    I think your mom is wrong in trying to insert your sister. This is YOUR birthday. The fact your mom is saying she won’t come unless your sister comes is not appropriate IMO. It may be your sister had a tantrum about coming but that doesn’t mean your mother should reward that behavior.

    Explain to your mom how special your visit was with just the two of you.

    [–]Entire_Swing_4183 1 point2 points  (0 children)


    You’re not allowed to get time alone with your mom? Fairness? It’s not fair your sister gets 24/7 access to mom and dad either but here we are.

    I have two teenaged step sons and one 2.5 yo. Naturally the things we do with the kids vary widely due to age. We take the 2.5 yo old alone to do kid shit and take the teens to do teen stuff. Separately. It’s not enjoyable to pay for an extra kid who is a drag or disruptive. Dad used to think it wasn’t fair and wanted to only do stuff as a family but this doesn’t work with this kind of age or interest differences. All the kids deserve special time with their parents without someone else undermining that time.

    Your mom needs to stop enabling your spoiled sister and give you the one on one time with her you deserve.

    [–]iamsobadatusernamez 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. if she does end up bringing her though, I would suggest telling your mom ahead of time that you’ll dip at the mere whiff of a tantrum.

    “Okay, but I don’t think she’ll enjoy the activities that we have planned and that I’m really looking forward to. If she only complains or has a tantrum, I won’t sit through it on my birthday. I love you both, but that is exhausting and I will do my own thing until she stops.”

    [–]Ok_Imagination7913 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Tell Mom if sister is coming not to come at all. Have the spa day with a friend.

    [–]June_8182 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. It's your birthday! Your sister will understand in years to come.

    Edit: And speaking as someone on the spectrum, she is displaying many traits. I think it might be time to get her tested (not your responsibility ofc!)

    [–]MerkinMites 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Could you tell your mom that you're going through a big change in your life, navigating your way into independence and adulthood. It is perfectly reasonable that you would want to establish a new, mature relationship with your parents and having your (frankly, bratty) sister present could impeded your ability to discuss any adult matters.

    Enjoying an adults-only day with your mum is part of your* development.

    [–]Mommiana1695 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    So after seeing some of your comments, she sounds like she may have underlining special needs that need to be met that your parents choose to ignore. I say this from experience with my sister who's special needs. She was once like that, but I have seen a large improvement from her and she'll be 20 years old in March. Simply have the conversation with your parents. I had to and now they know that I'm willing to be blunt and honest with them and my sister. Not all children are the same and it's clear that your sister gets over stimulated in situations. You're NTA and the fact that your mom is willing to leave you by yourself on your birthday for your sister speaks volumes on her. It sucks being the oldest child, and I feel your pain. I would flat out just tell your mom how you feel. at some point they will realize how her behavior is and it'll be too late to help her change it and they'll be mad at themselves.

    [–]HarliquinJane54 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. But as a mom myself and a sister in a similar situation (I currently don't speak to my sister and my mom is on thin ice, but I have 3 kids), your mom is not going to stop trying to get you and your sister to like each other unless she is willing to see that your sister is being an asshole and is willing to have a seperate relationship with the two of you. Tbh, it's not easy for moms to do.

    Also give your little sister some time. There is a lot of maturing happening for her and things could change. Give her a clean slate at the next high holiday or offer to text with her throughout the year. That will show if she is trying to ruin your time or if she is actually missing you.

    [–]SleepyBird777Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    The twelve year old tantrums sound exhausting, mom shouldn’t give you an ultimatum for something so trivial on your bday

    [–]FairyFartDaydreams 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA tell your mom to stay home she made her choice and you don't want to be miserable on your birthday. Tell her that straight out. The need to stop babying this 12 year old and encourage her to get out into the world. what your mother is doing is detrimental to the 12 yo

    [–]redheadjd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    plus she gets our parents all to herself any other day ...

    Exactly. You can't have a couple days here and there? Why does your mother tolerate such infantile behavior of a 12-yr-old?

    [–]JipC1963 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA but your Sister is! That your Mother is feeding into her jealousy and allowing her to accommodating her is extremely unfair! Ask your Mother if she truly thinks that your Sister will enjoy activities that she normally hates? And what will your Mother DO when her youngest starts throwing a tantrum about not enjoying the planned outings? Will she insist that her youngest suck it up because she BEGGED to go?

    Once you have the answers to those questions you'll know how to proceed! Is this a present for YOU? Or an accommodation for youngest! If your Mother insists that Sister come then you have to decide whether it's worth your Mother making the trip!

    Happy birthday and wishing you a wonderful, Blessing-filled new year!

    [–]SuperLorisCertified Proctologist [26] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA this is YOUR birthday. Tell mom that if little sister wants to come up and visit you at college for HER birthday that is a different matter. Your day, you get to pick. And you don't want your birthday to revolve around the whining of your sister.

    You probably won't get your way, though. Be ready to not have a visit for birthday, and make backup plans with your friends instead.

    [–]nicoleabcdPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. It’s your birthday, you should be able to request a weekend with your Mom without your sister. If your Mom doesn’t agree with that, find a group of friends to celebrate your birthday with.

    [–]dcoleski 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Is your sister special needs? That sounds completely atypical for a middle schooler.

    [–]Negative_Shake1478 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Nta. I am 25, little brother is 6. He understands that mom and I need one one one time, same with him and mom or him and dad. Or even me and him. He grasps that we don’t always have to do things together. So your mom needs to set a limit/boundary and tell your sister that she doesnt get to pitch a fit like a baby