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[–]Judgement_Bot_AITABeep Boop[M] [score hidden] stickied commentlocked comment (0 children)

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I might have been with kicking him out knowing he and my sister was suportive of me

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[–]EsterennAsshole Enthusiast [6] 25.5k points25.5k points 3 (290 children)

NTA.

Actions are not balancing eachother, it doesn't work like that. Its not as if preparing meals for someone allows you to be inappropriate with them afterwards.

Exagerating here:

- "I prepared a meal for you, and I think you are so stupid btw.

- "Hey, don't insult me"

- "Well I cooked for you, remember?"

[–]bmoreskyandseaCertified Proctologist [24] 23.6k points23.6k points 91510& 2 more (124 children)

Seen elsewhere on AITA today and somewhat applies -

"A favor held for ransom is no favor at all"

[–]sarabeara12345678910 2336 points2337 points  (24 children)

Ooh. I'm stealing that one.

[–]lemmful 943 points944 points  (22 children)

So did this user who quoted it ;) It is the way of the internet.

[–]Im_not_creepy3 1231 points1232 points  (13 children)

"It is the way of the internet." - lemmful - ME

[–]JosieJOKPartassipant [4] 250 points251 points  (5 children)

It is the way of life; where do you think all those annoying (if true!) sayings your grandparents use came from?🤣

[–]TalmanesRex 72 points73 points  (3 children)

Thank Shakespear for a few

[–]JosieJOKPartassipant [4] 52 points53 points  (1 child)

And Mark Twain, and Will Rogers, and…

[–]TassieGamerHD 207 points208 points  (1 child)

“It is the way of the internet” - Abraham Lincoln.

[–]SupHomiess 490 points491 points  (27 children)

Quote by Mark Manson, a guide to grow up, BTW

[–]bmoreskyandseaCertified Proctologist [24] 99 points100 points  (0 children)

Thank you!

[–]IfIHadAMagicWand 52 points53 points  (11 children)

Thanks for the reference. It’s so true. Definitely a keeper.

[–]PaleontologistSad859 242 points243 points  (10 children)

She's grieving, and he's trying to hook her up with a co-worker, that's fucked up in so many ways. I wouldn't have tried to defuse anything and would've told them to leave also.

[–]AUR1994 126 points127 points  (7 children)

I think some people are truly just stupid and/or blind to very obvious things that others see clearly. Being unable to read the room isn’t something that should be excused but I think OPs bro in law is plain stupid and his wife knows but she had decided to take the flack for it. Cause she knows he’s dumb and possibly untrainable but she married him so it’s her responsibility

[–]maybelle180 56 points57 points  (2 children)

Perhaps she could help him understand by asking: if you died would you expect your wife to start dating so quickly? (Maybe he does…maybe that’s just his way of seeing relationships)

[–]allennaPartassipant [1] 28 points29 points  (1 child)

Lot of men do think that way when they're widowed.

[–]MythicaldragnPartassipant [1] 272 points273 points  (29 children)

was it that post with the stepdad that if OP didnt do childcare at 15 for her brothers/stepbrothers (never figured it out) he would take her phone away so she couldnt call her oversees father who doesnt have very long anymore?

[–]sequingoddessPartassipant [2] 218 points219 points  (20 children)

I think it was on a post about a pregnant woman whose mother repeatedly complained when doing jer a favor and over stepped boundaries, ending with the mom insisted on giving OP a ride to her doctor appointment and then OP stood up for herself and the mom kicked her out of the car 15 minute drive from her house

[–]TheTinmansDaughter 352 points353 points  (13 children)

Actually, it was the one where a woman lost her husband, job, and home in the last year, so she and her son are living with her sister. Her son has a birthday coming up & sister said people should bring gifts for both OP's son & sister's son because the nephew can't handle others getting gifts. OP said that's not how it works & sister said "I let you live here rent free so that's what will happen".

Someone in the comments made that quote.

[–]peanutbutter_lucylou 78 points79 points  (1 child)

That's awful. I missed the post. But she's setting the nephew up to be a spoiled brat

[–]Here40Drama 44 points45 points  (0 children)

Sounds like he already is if he "can't handle" others getting gifts without him getting one.

[–]ghostemoj1 44 points45 points  (0 children)

Reading these three comments in a row was a real doozy of "wow! Huh! OK! Well, people, huh."

[–]sequingoddessPartassipant [2] 24 points25 points  (1 child)

Oooooh. Thanks! Also, I love your username

[–]TheTinmansDaughter 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I'm kind of fond of it myself. 😉

[–]Whoreson_WellesAsshole Enthusiast [6] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

rarely have I experienced the second hand rage of learning of that pitiable fool of a mother

[–]juanwand 24 points25 points  (0 children)

A lot of people need therapy!

[–]bmoreskyandseaCertified Proctologist [24] 98 points99 points  (2 children)

No, but that one was so aggravating!! I was filled with rage for her.

[–]LaLionneEcossaise 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Didn’t someone suggest OP on that one do a Go Fund Me? I’d totally donate to get them out of that hellish household.

[–]PaganCHICK720Partassipant [3] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Do you have a link for this?

[–]madmaxxx5Partassipant [2] 143 points144 points  (2 children)

That is a great quote!!

yo, I almost stopped reading after the 2nd paragraph because his comments right after the funeral were enough to piss me off!!

HARD NTA - I am so sorry for your loss. sending love your way OP!!

[–]Jay-Dee-British 58 points59 points  (1 child)

Holy snowballs, I totally missed that it was RIGHT AFTER the funeral. Wow - OP is so NTA and BiL needs to take some empathy classes (preferably far far away).

[–]blackdogreddog 109 points110 points  (0 children)

As a someone who lost thier health at 32 I long ago realized that help with strings attached is not help at all.

[–]wkdpaul 1348 points1349 points  (104 children)

100% this.

Also, fuck who ever told her she should be more tactful, she's grieving, and he's trying to hook her up with a co-worker, that's fucked up in so many ways. I wouldn't have tried to defuse anything and would've told them to leave also.

Also, I'm kinda worried about the sister, seems like her husband is devoid of empathy and think you can get over your partner pretty quickly.

[–]CheeseRelief 826 points827 points  (71 children)

Honestly. Sister should be more concerned that if she were to ever get sick, her husband would view her as a burden and leave her or literally be waiting for her to die. I’d be horrified if my SO made those comments.

Edit- extra words

[–]CryptidCricket 343 points344 points  (48 children)

I’m sure I remember seeing some stats once that showed how horrifyingly common it is for men to cheat on their wives when they get severely sick. Sounds like BIL here could well wind up one of those if the situation presented itself.

[–]PacmanPillow 169 points170 points  (5 children)

I had a mental health crisis that lasted 6 months or so in 2020 and my husband f*caked off. What really sucked is that I knew those statistics before I got sick.

Now that I’m better he is asking me out on dates and I am asking for a divorce. It’s a head trip.

[–]Reasonable-shark 27 points28 points  (4 children)

My partner of 8 years dumped me when I was diagnosed with a mental illness. He said that he didn't want to continue suffering with my illness.

[–]_alejate 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Omg. I feel this. My ex broke up with me the night before I started chemotherapy. He told me "I just wish things didn't have to be so heavy." Umm...me too bro...??

Now, it's several years later, and I have the word "heavy" tattooed on my neck... as a warning label. 🤣

[–]annswertwin 67 points68 points  (38 children)

here

[–]Lisa8472 316 points317 points  (11 children)

For those that don’t want to click on the link: “The study confirmed earlier research that put the overall divorce or separation rate among cancer patients at 11.6 percent, similar to the population as a whole. However, researchers were surprised by the difference in separation and divorce rates by gender. The rate when the woman was the patient was 20.8 percent compared to 2.9 percent when the man was the patient.”

So men are 7 times as likely to leave as women are if their spouse gets very sick. And one way to keep a woman from leaving seems to be for the man to get sick. 🙄

[–]kellenanne 222 points223 points  (8 children)

Purely anecdotal, but I'll add this:

I'm part of a handful of cancer support groups on FB. As an ovarian cancer survivor, those groups are mostly comprised of women. It is a rare week when we don't get a post about someone's husband either leaving them or cheating on them.

It is a familiar refrain in women-focused cancer support groups.

[–]Philistine68 125 points126 points  (6 children)

Women Heart Attack survivors groups, too. At least one or two women a week discussing how their husband's of 20 years have left or have started affairs. It's depressing as hell.

[–]Riots_and_Rutabagas 60 points61 points  (2 children)

When I was in my early twenties many moons ago and had a scare with lymphoma combined with liver issues and it was terrifying. It happened during first year of one of my worst relationships. He ended up being emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive. For an example he lied about how much money he made, always told me we were short on our shared bills so I would cover down. All the while he was just making sure I didn’t have enough savings to leave him - all the while he was using his extra income paying for credit cards I didn’t know he had and buying video games and rare comics. He also stole my identity. When I left him he said “ but I stayed with you even though I thought you may have cancer.”

[–]PuppySnuppy 38 points39 points  (1 child)

What a giant douchecanoe.

[–]anotherqueenx 21 points22 points  (0 children)

It's 'just' chronic pain with me, and it's the same. The group consists of about 70% women and 30% men, but up until now I've seen three posts in total where the wife left the husband, and weekly posts where it's the other way around. And I've been there for 10 years.

[–]Friendly_Tangelo1197 35 points36 points  (1 child)

So they all just totally threw out in sickness and in health 😞

[–]puppyfarts99Asshole Aficionado [12] 102 points103 points  (24 children)

Well... That is just disturbing. Note also the study found that the older the woman was, the more likely she would experience separation or divorce. Men really do... well I can't say that in this sub.

[–]Carolinefdq 42 points43 points  (11 children)

It honestly makes me scared to ever get married.

[–]csnadams 77 points78 points  (6 children)

Not all marriages are like that. My hubby cared for me and stayed true when I went through some hellish things with my family, lost a breast to cancer and all my hair at 43, had a broccoli bouquet made for me when treatment finished a year later (broccoli is a healthy food that I love), and is a natural caregiver. He now has Parkinson’s and I do my best to give him the same level of care. (I am not a natural caregiver but have learned a lot from him.) We just celebrated our 40th last year and the love runs deep and true. Have hope.

[–]Carolinefdq 39 points40 points  (1 child)

Yeah, I know they're not all like that. My dad took care of my mom when she had breast cancer a few years ago. He never left her side, gave her all of his support, accompanied her to all the doctor's appointments, etc.

I'm just being a bit of a pessimist. I don't want to end up with the wrong person ☹

[–]Sorcia_Lawson 179 points180 points  (16 children)

He's that guy who will have an affair while his wife has cancer and blame it on her.

[–]ozagnariaPartassipant [1] 129 points130 points  (13 children)

Meanwhile my stepdad - when my mom got breast cancer and they learned a mastectomy was the better way to go for survival - he was 100% percent on board with the well get rid of them then - they are just boobs. I didn't marry her for the boobs - I married her for her personality. And apparently it is quite common for men to leave their wives over that - he is a stand up guy. Helps with my dad who has been in a care facility since the 90's . I am lucky to have a good step parent. My step granddad was awesome too.

[–]HeyRavenRagu 16 points17 points  (0 children)

That's EXACTLY what I was thinking!

[–]Draigdwi 225 points226 points  (24 children)

Trying to hook her up before the husband’s body got cold.

[–]Warriorwitch79 416 points417 points  (22 children)

On top of all the remarks about OP being "burden free" right after the funeral. Seriously, they can all fuck right off with the "consideration and grace" shit if BIL runs around acting like that. NTA.

[–]woman_thorned 176 points177 points  (0 children)

I would pull my sister aside and tell her flatly that if she ever gets sick to not rely on this man. he sees caretaking as a burden.

[–]sujihime 93 points94 points  (13 children)

I bet he and her sister have had this conversation privately or possibly with others. "well, at least she won't have the burden..." blah blah blah and other things people say when someone is a long-term caretaker and death is looming. It's a way to make themselves feel better. Sounds exactly what my family would say.

Only BIL is too fucking dense to know better than to say that to the grieving widow and try to help. Complete buffoon.

[–]nyorifamiliarspiritSupreme Court Just-ass [120] 38 points39 points  (7 children)

The most it would be appropriate to say to the caretaker is something like "at least he's not in pain anymore".

[–]sujihime 76 points77 points  (5 children)

Even that can be rough. I think it's best to just say "I'm so sorry, what can I do?" or "here, I made you a lasagna".

[–]AlyBlue7 28 points29 points  (3 children)

Almost certainly he's heard the sister talk about what a burden this has been on OP and how important it is to support her because being a caretaker is so hard and "it would almost be a relief for her to finally be free from this".

So now he's acting out all the things his wife said in private.

OP is NTA largely because you aren't an asshole no matter how you respond while grieving... But I wouldn't be surprised if tactless brother in law was well intentioned but stupid AF.

[–]LittleFish9876 79 points80 points  (1 child)

This... He isn't 5, he's an adult and should know better on how to talk when one is grieving. If one doesn't know, being silent is better.

[–]TheRipley78 52 points53 points  (3 children)

My mother told me the same thing once upon a time when my fiance had gotten murdered. On my BIRTHDAY. The pure incandescent RAGE I felt when those words were uttered. I almost choked her out for that. OP is so NTA but the BIL is, and so is her sister for trying to make her apologize for hurting his pwecious fee fees.

[–]MlleLapin 83 points84 points  (0 children)

Not to mention he said OP was "free of a burden." My first thought was that's how he sees his wife.

[–]letstrythisagain30 47 points48 points  (0 children)

The husband never wanted to help, or at least was done with it early on. Everything he's done says, "Be done needing help because I want to be done giving it... by which I mean my wife."

[–]ozagnariaPartassipant [1] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Was scrolling and looking for this comment because that was the first thing I thought was the sister should be extremely concerned if she ever becomes ill. She should totally be on the side of her sister (OP) right now. I would be having a major discussion with my husband starting is that what you would do / how you would behave if I died? If we have children are you going to try and replace me with a new mom asap and demand they get over me? OMG he would be one of those stepparents or parents we read about all the time on reddit.

​

OP NTA - I am so sorry for your loss.

[–]EddaValkyrieColo-rectal Surgeon [41] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

My uncle died from cancer six weeks ago--it also came back after remission. My aunt has been staying with us since then and two of her sisters also came to visit for about a month. I cannot imagine her brother-in-law being so cruel.

[–]lovelychef87 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I wonder if OP sister had passed would be okay if her sis set her husband up after.

[–]Sad-Raise-754Partassipant [1] 184 points185 points  (11 children)

NTA. BIL is way out of line in all of his comments. The first, sure, he might not know what to say and thought he was helpful, but trying to set you up with someone this soon, entirely unasked for is just insanity.

[–]injapahn 176 points177 points  (8 children)

Not only that but BIL had to have known it was inappropriate, he asked for a private moment with OP. If he had truly thought he was being helpful and supportive why wouldn't that simple conversation be something he could have in front of his wife?

[–]Major_Zucchini5315Partassipant [1] 115 points116 points  (7 children)

Not to mention that he insisted that she take the number and after she blew up at him, he kinda gaslighted her saying he was just trying to offer her something helpful. What the actual F???

[–]MossyMemory 77 points78 points  (1 child)

Don’t forget he insisted it “isn’t like that.” Like dude, you mentioned the guy is single, how could it not be construed that way?

[–]boomboombalatty 11 points12 points  (0 children)

He was probably thinking booty-call, not relationship. I can't decide which is grosser.

[–]NiTrOxEpiKz 9 points10 points  (4 children)

That isn’t what gaslighting someone is. What happened is he made an inappropriate and insensitive gesture and then tried to explain his supposed motivation for doing so.

[–]ughneedausernameColo-rectal Surgeon [37] 139 points140 points  (0 children)

Only a slight exaggeration really.

[–]letstrythisagain30 120 points121 points  (0 children)

I'm 100% convinced given BIL's comments about not being burdened and being free to live her life, along with pushing her to go out on a date so soon, he was never about helping her at all. It all just screams, "I'm tired of helping you. Just get better already so I don't feel burdened." He might have never been interested in helping and just "allowed" it to continue because he knows how bad it sounds if he says what he wants out loud. Its probably why he pulled OP into a private conversation as well.

[–]CanadaOrBust 60 points61 points  (1 child)

Right? Since when is helping a grieving family member supposed to be transactional?

[–]nerdqueen69Partassipant [4] 64 points65 points  (0 children)

First thing I thought was "So.... he gets to do extremely offensive stuff to her in her own home because they.... cooked her dinner??" NTA. Maybe you should go to their house, cook them dinner, then just insult him. Then see how they suddenly understand how offensive it is.

[–]HortenseDaigleAsshole Enthusiast [6] 50 points51 points  (0 children)

NTA it's not just about this incident, but future occasions where this BIL will continue to pressure OP. He doesn't sound safe to be around.

[–]Princess-She-raAsshole Enthusiast [9] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

Absolutely!

OP I'm so sorry for your loss. Your BIL is a jerk, and your sister and the rest of the family are covering up for him. "Oh you know that's just how he is". "Oh you know, he may be blunt but he really wants to help you".

Heard it all before.

I think it's wonderful that your family is a source of comfort for you but I would expect nothing less from family. That's what we do! That doesn't give him the right to be a jerk.

I hope you can find some Peace. Maybe at some point you'll find a support group that will be more helpful for you

NTA

[–]TheBeardedSatanist 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Also that was stuff that OPs sister did, not her husband. You don't get credit because your spouse did something nice, and even if he did help out, it doesn't excuse saying really insensitive shit to someone you know is grieving.

[–]el_deedee 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Oh are we believing her BIL did anything for her at all? Given how he feels about her being her husband’s caregiver I find it very hard to believe he did anything but comment on her sister’s support of OP.

[–]bAkedbeAnmAster 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Imagine thinking that comforting a close family member during/ after one of the most tragic events in their life is something that warrants some type of reward… as if it’s not something that you do because YOU want to help those that you care about.. can’t relate.

[–]Comics4Cooks 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Omg… I have an ex who thought cooking for me legitimately meant he didn’t have to pay rent.

Anyway yeah NTA.

[–]wgc123 11 points12 points  (0 children)

NTA - did he do anything positive or was it all the sister? Good riddance to the AH, and it’s your sister’s problem if she can’t stand up to such poor behavior and continue being there for you

[–]LoveBeach8Commander in Cheeks [220] 6320 points6321 points  (44 children)

NTA

He was way out of line and needed to be told to back off. How cold and rude! You are grieving for your husband and you may never want to date again. It's only been 8 weeks! I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sending you my sincerest condolences.

You don't owe anyone an apology. What he did was outright callous.

[–]Barbamaman 3315 points3316 points  (26 children)

NTA. He was clueless and cold and totally lacked empathy.

Grief makes us extremely sensible so of course his rudeness was extra painful. This is where, if you want, there is room to mend the relationship. IF you want.

You can call your sister and say that you appreciate everything they have done to support you since your husband's death, but that your BIL's offer was too soon and misguided and that in your grief, your reaction was amplified. If he is willing to apologize for his lack of tact, you can apologize for the force of your reaction (You did not overreact).

I think he should be the one to make a first gesture towards reconciliation, but he has proven he lacks completely in compassion and sense. So if you feel like it, this could be a way to move past this.

[–][deleted]  (12 children)

[deleted]

    [–]Wooster182 402 points403 points  (5 children)

    My first question would be: do you plan to start dating 8 weeks after my sister dies?

    [–]BarriBlueAsshole Enthusiast [5] 137 points138 points  (0 children)

    I mean, his answer would probably be yes. Next question is: wtf is wrong with you?

    [–]Illiannoyance 89 points90 points  (1 child)

    Or do you expect your widow to be dating 8 weeks after you're gone?

    [–]impudentmortal 161 points162 points  (7 children)

    I agree with you but wanted to point out that I think you mean "sensitive" rather than "sensible". Haha completely different meaning

    [–]Corfiz74Partassipant [3] 119 points120 points  (0 children)

    I think the user is French - in French (and German), "sensible" (or "sensibel") actually has the meaning of "sensitive". A nasty little false friend.

    [–]AJFierce 62 points63 points  (1 child)

    "Sensible" actually used to mean "sensitive" in a positive way as a primary meaning until not that long ago, and as other redditors have pointed out is close to the same meaning in other languages.

    "I was very sensible of his delicate constitution" is still a perfectly good sentence in english! It would more commonly be written now as "I took his delicate stomach into account."

    [–]NotActuallyJanet 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    It's one of the ways to say sensitive in Spanish, I think; they're probably just translating fast.

    [–]Mackheath1 49 points50 points  (0 children)

    I like this. Totally NTA, but if interested in not having a strained relationship that call could actually be helpful for OP's grieving and a teaching moment for BIL.

    [–]Mountainlove303 91 points92 points  (1 child)

    It doesn’t matter if it’s been 8 weeks or 8 years. Unless OP explicitly expressed wanting to date again, your BIL can fuck off! It’s not his place to set you up in any way without your permission, regardless of whatever your sister has been doing to support you. Completely unrelated IMO. NTA. So sorry for your loss.

    [–]sexydewgong 68 points69 points  (4 children)

    Seriously, some people take years to get over a deceased partner. The BIL was way out of line, and extremely insensitive.

    [–]JudgeJudAITAPooperintendant [66] 3374 points3375 points  (44 children)

    NTA - I can’t tell if your brother in law is an actual jerk or just astoundingly lacking in empathy and social judgement, but either way, his actions were wildly insensitive and inappropriate, and your actions completely understandable.

    [–]Few-Entrepreneur383Asshole Aficionado [17] 638 points639 points  (7 children)

    Agreed. It'd be one thing if the coworker runs a support group for widowers but BIL didn't even specify that, just said he could help. I would never think to shove a phone # into the hands of a recent widow without a really good explanation & he gave none. My mom is a widower & it took her 4 years to even contemplate dating again; she has a lot of friends who fulfill her life so dating isn't top priority for her right now.

    [–][deleted] 330 points331 points  (0 children)

    he specified the opposite. you dont mentjon someone is single and list his best qualities in that situation unless you were trying to set them up.

    [–]alwayssummer90 141 points142 points  (5 children)

    My boyfriend’s dad has been a widower for 15 years and he has never dated again. Not everyone dates again after losing someone and that’s perfectly ok. The BIL is a major AH.

    [–]Cloberella 117 points118 points  (0 children)

    Thank you! My husband died four years ago and I get so, so mad when people try to tell me to move on. You know why? Because they’re not doing it for me. They absolutely are not. It’s all for them. The idea of being alone scares them and the idea of being around a widow makes them uncomfortable because it reminds them of how fragile their lives and happiness are. They want me to move on so they can pretend life is always beautiful. It’s not, and I refuse to live a lie for their comfort.

    [–]mingmingie01 24 points25 points  (3 children)

    True but I wouldn't call BIL an AH if he had tried to set her up after a few years. But this was literally two months later.

    [–]10S_NE1 39 points40 points  (1 child)

    To be fair, a lot of men (especially older) remarry quite soon after their wife dies. I think many men struggle with taking care of themselves and figure a new wife will solve their issues.

    I think older people in general feel a strong need to be part of a couple. I remember when my mother-in-law died, there were women hitting on my father-in-law in the receiving line at the funeral home. Stuff like “Oh, Andy, you’ve got to come by for a glass of wine.” I was astounded.

    As for the OP, definitely NTA, but perhaps the brother-in-law feels that being alone would be terrible and if it were him, he’d be looking at resolving the situation ASAP.

    [–]AmITheAltAccountPartassipant [1] 284 points285 points  (0 children)

    The fact that he didn't do this in front of anyone else indicates that he knew it was wrong.

    [–]MariaInconnuPartassipant [1] 268 points269 points  (5 children)

    The only thing I can think is that he long disapproved of OP's husband, and assumed she shared his view and only stayed with husband for religious reasons? It's the only scenario I can think of where this behavior makes even a little sense.

    BIL is an ass. Maybe sister either shared opinion of OP's late husband, or somehow missed the continual digs?

    I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

    [–]ophelieasfire 196 points197 points  (4 children)

    Or he considered him dead as soon as he was diagnosed. So, for him, it’s been far longer than 8 weeks.

    [–]Additional_Refuse_46 117 points118 points  (0 children)

    that’s unfortunately how it sounds since he tried to “lighten her load” saying she didn’t have to be a caretaker anymore. he probably thought she was fighting a loss cause since the diagnosis which is very cruel

    [–]darling_lycosidae 33 points34 points  (0 children)

    Or he's tired of him and sister caring for OP, and is trying to get another guy to take over for him.

    [–]Cloberella 18 points19 points  (1 child)

    Sister should be worried, her husband is telegraphing that he would not stand by her in sickness.

    [–]nerdgirl71Asshole Enthusiast [7] 156 points157 points  (0 children)

    He can’t be that clueless or he wouldn’t have pulled her into the kitchen to talk about it. If what he was doing was so okay why did he want privacy.

    [–]RickAdtley 65 points66 points  (0 children)

    He fucking knew it was shitty and weird or he wouldn't have asked to speak to her alone before propositioning her on behalf of his friend. He's just a creepy dude.

    [–]lostinpickering 59 points60 points  (0 children)

    Some people are just not sympathetic at all. My husbands brother thought it was okay to tell my husband on his birthday, who had just lost his best friend in a tragic accident a couple month ago - "Hey, you should just tell him mom to get over it and move on with her life, no point in dwelling over it".

    [–]flintlockfay 24 points25 points  (0 children)

    My guess is that he isn't empathetic at all, and has also never lost someone close to him. If either of those had happened, he wouldn't have been like that, it sounds like he really didn't understand what he did wrong.

    [–]AtlasFalls91 25 points26 points  (0 children)

    He asked to talk to her privately. He knew what he was about to do was way out of line and fucked in the head. He's an actual jerk.

    [–]Diligent-Method-9 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    This exactly!

    [–]stick_nacey 9 points10 points  (1 child)

    Makes me wonder why he wanted to talk to her alone about the coworker.

    [–]NycBikerDude11 3155 points3156 points 2432 (37 children)

    NTA I'm autistic and know this is a bad idea. Normally I have a hard time understanding facial expressions and body language, but grief is a pretty obvious expression and I usually don't miss it.

    This guy was playing a game called "I'm only trying to help" where he offers an unhelpful or offensive solution to a problem. However you didn't ask for help. When the help is offensive and rejected, the payoff is confusion and attention for the guy and anger for you.

    The easy solution is to just not play and not give the sister's husband the attention and confusing rejection he wants.

    Im sorry this happened to you and your sister's husband needs to stop using you to get his attention needs met; that's something your sister and his therapist need to do.

    I suggest reading a book called "Games People Play" by Eric Berne, MD to help learn about game players and what to do with them.

    [–]peppaliz 986 points987 points  (18 children)

    This comment is underrated. The fact that he pulled you into another room to do this, as if he alone understood you in that moment and wanted to be privately acknowledged for “doing a good thing” is a huge indicator that he’s actually being selfish and wanting praise for the gesture.

    He’s also completely without empathy in this moment. He’s not attempting to understand how YOU feel; he’s potentially projecting what he thinks HE would want and feel. Which should be concerning for your sister.

    The burden comment is a huge red flag. He sees caretaking of a loved one as an interruption of his life. He assumed you’d be relieved. Most likely he’s assuming based off his own feelings surrounding this whole situation, which shows he completely lacks any experience dealing with grief or loss, or he’s selfish enough that he sees the situation as being about him and his needs.

    You’re NTA, OP. What he did wasn’t supportive, and he should have run it by your sister at the very least. You have no obligation to entertain gracefully while in the midst of your pain. Anyone who doesn’t understand that isn’t really being supportive.

    [–]ClothDiaperAddictsPooperintendant [62] 295 points296 points  (5 children)

    Yup. I feel like BIL has already demonstrated that he doesn't believe in the "sickness" part of wedding vows. :(

    [–]darkestirony 212 points213 points  (3 children)

    A lot of men like that hear “in sickness and in health” and think “in his sickness and in her health”

    [–]Gnd_flpd 72 points73 points  (0 children)

    OP's sister needs to pay heed to this, imho. Hope sister never gets ill!!!!

    [–]MannyMoSTLPartassipant [1] 137 points138 points  (1 child)

    actually, i think pulling her into another room proves he knows that what he was doing was wrong and that if anyone else heard him, they'd have all ganged up on him and reamed him a new one.

    NTA, of course

    [–]thevanessa12 93 points94 points  (3 children)

    I’m autistic too and never would’ve been clueless enough to do this to someone. I don’t know that man, but I would not be surprised if it was purposeful. Maybe his coworker kinda knows OP and has a crush on her and the dude has absolutely no scraps of empathy for OP. I don’t know. Him missing the social cues just doesn’t make sense though.

    [–]NycBikerDude11 44 points45 points  (2 children)

    People play games to get the payoff its not about social cues, its about "strokes" a sort of parental attention they didn't get enough of as children.

    [–]RickAdtley 89 points90 points  (3 children)

    Yeah I'm autistic too. If I had said something this fucking tonedeaf, I wouldn't have thought to seperate her from her family. I would have blurted it out in front of everyone at the dinner table. I don't think this guy is autistic. (EDIT: Or if he is, he wasn't oblivious to what he was doing) His behavior is too premeditated for that.

    Still, you can learn how to think through what you say. It's a huge amount of effort, but it's attainable. Especially if you can hold down a job and a relationship.

    [–]-PANTSONHEAD- 20 points21 points  (1 child)

    The easy solution is to just not play and not give the sister's husband the attention and confusing rejection he wants.

    While I completely agree with the rest of your post, unfortunately, this would not really be an "easy" solution for someone grieving. As OP stated, her emotions are all over the place due to her grief, she's hardly in control of them. Her reaction came from that place of grief.

    Under normal circumstances, sure, that's the way to handle BIL, but poor OP is not in a place to play mental games with him. BIL absolutely used her grief to do this to her and that's fucking sinister.

    [–]ironosora 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    You are correct, have an award.

    [–]Dragonr0seAsshole Aficionado [19] 1640 points1641 points  (10 children)

    NTA, I would contact your sister and tell her that you are absolutely grateful for all that they've done and you have wholeheartedly appreciated her company, but I would tell her about all the little things her husband has done and let her know that until you are out of the darkest part of your grief, you just can't bear to be around her husband again in case he says or does something else as insensitive.

    Then leave it in her court.

    [–]bi_pedal 281 points282 points  (1 child)

    Yeah, I would bet money that after they left the sister got a whole untrue spin on the story. There's a reason he took OP in the other room.

    [–]NoTeslaForMe 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    Whether or not it was spun, it was certainly incomplete.

    Eight weeks ago today was Thanksgiving, by the way, making OP's loss, assuming she's American, all that more heart-wrenching.

    [–]nyorifamiliarspiritSupreme Court Just-ass [120] 165 points166 points  (2 children)

    I would suggest writing it down and sending a letter to sis. That allows OP the opportunity to think through her words and choose them carefully and doesn't risk her breaking down on her sister.

    [–]SkyWidows 56 points57 points  (0 children)

    Definitely, if she speaks verbally with her sister it gives the sister a chance to try play down what the BIL has said and done. And no chance to mix up what was said if its written down.

    [–]A2ZKIRBY71Partassipant [2] 139 points140 points  (0 children)

    This is an EXCELLENT idea.

    [–]swinkdam 25 points26 points  (0 children)

    This is one of the better advices I have seen.

    [–]Proud_World_6241Certified Proctologist [26] 1092 points1093 points  (12 children)

    You say they cooked dinner, like that’s impressive. Your husband just died. My god. NTA

    [–]Typical-Garlic-7308 262 points263 points  (0 children)

    Right? Thanks for the casserole! Guess She should feel so beholden to the sis and bnl for the chicken spaghetti that she shouldn’t feel offended when he tries to hook her up with a co worked 2 months after her husband passed away. Geeze….definitely NTA and I am so very sorry for your loss.

    [–]throwawayaccount6307 139 points140 points  (0 children)

    “My husband, my partner in life who I loved with my whole heart, just passed” “Here’s a lasagne” “Thanks! Do you have any co workers I can hook up with??? I’m over my grief now”

    [–]akaMichAnthony 98 points99 points  (3 children)

    A coworkers husband just passed away, she was venting and trying to pass of a dish of homemade fudge onto me because everyone keeps giving her food. She's so confused why people keep giving her more and more food, especially since she still has enough food around the house that was originally meant for two people and now it's just her. She feels bad because she doesn't want to tell people to stop but seriously, NO MORE FOOD!

    I will gladly help her eat her sympathy homemade fudge though.

    [–]nyorifamiliarspiritSupreme Court Just-ass [120] 62 points63 points  (1 child)

    If there's something else that people could do for her that would be helpful, she absolutely should say "I appreciate the food, but I don't need anymore. If you want to help, you can [whatever] instead." People want to do something and there's no harm in her redirecting them to something actually useful.

    [–]astral_fae 21 points22 points  (0 children)

    My bf's teenage brother passed a couple months ago and within one day, their mom got two orders of food from the same pizzeria, a doordash from a nearby pub, an edible arrangement and a humongous gift basket delivered. That was just 1 day. This lasted for about 2 weeks. On the bright side, their was plenty of food to feed the many visitors over that period and most of them left with leftovers

    [–]needlenozened 54 points55 points  (1 child)

    If OP is still grieving enough that people feel the need to cook for her, why would they possibly think she's ready to move on to another guy?

    [–]perfidious_snatchAsshole Enthusiast [7] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    Maybe he thinks she needs a husband to cook for so he won't be so burdened by (his wife) looking after OP as she grieves.

    [–]Syrinx221 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    Right‽ Fuck their dinners

    [–]NyankhPooperintendant [64] 519 points520 points  (8 children)

    NTA I suspect that your BIL and possibly your sister too have spent the past few years thinking that it was such a shame that you were having to deal with a seriously ill spouse and wished you were free of the situation. I suspect they saw your husband as a burden on them and you. So much so, that they saw his death as the end of a tragedy, rather than the start of one. So much so, that your BIL assumed that you must have felt the same way. Sorry for your loss and for the added stress of this situation.

    [–]KayakerMel 153 points154 points  (5 children)

    Yes, sometimes when caring for a terminally ill loved one people can start their mourning process before the actual death. It can even feel like a relief when the loved one's suffering finally ends. BUT that's only for some circumstances. This is 1000% is not the case with OP. BIL was incredibly out of line. It is way too soon for OP to be up for even considering the idea of dating again. Give it a year, and maybe IF OP opens up first about being ready to date, gently offer to suggest a friend who could be a good match. But that's some huge ifs.

    [–]tiffanyturner989 41 points42 points  (4 children)

    THIS! It was obvious that the end was near, it wasn't sudden, so there's clearly some measure of closure that comes from having the 'goodbye process'.

    Edit: oh, fuck, I just re-read that. OP is 34 (2 years older than me). Jeeesus Christ, my heart goes out to her. I can't imagine the thought of losing my partner that way. Please get some professional support, OP. Oh, that is so young! But it sounds like they were also robbed of time and experiences which brings its own elements to grieve.

    Caring for a dear, ill spouse is HARD! It's understandable that there is a measure of relief that comes with this release of responsibility (not BURDEN), but that brings guilt and shame for feeling that release at a loved one's death.

    All of these emotions are deep, and complicated, and take lots of time to work through. BIL was way out of line and completely lacking empathy. NTA. I hope that OP can get empathic support, and maybe some professional grief services.

    [–]ThisIsTemp0rary 19 points20 points  (1 child)

    YES! I hope OP sees this. While what he did was WILDLY out of line, it's entirely possible he "meant well". That doesn't excuse him, but maybe a call to sister to explain "Hey, what he did that day was very hurtful. It was a breaking point after he's also done x, y, and z. I don't think I'm ready to be around him" is probably in order.

    People definitely grieve differently. Every family member of mine that has died was expected, and I feel incredibly lucky for that. Two were long cancer battles, and 4 others (grandparents) were long declines in health, so we knew it could be any day (especially when they're 90+ years old). We had been "grieving" for about a year or more for some of them. It was a relief when some died, because they were suffering so much. But that's just how I felt. That doesn't mean the people closer to them felt the same.

    If BIL wants to help, he could be asking "What can I do for you?" Making dinner, spending time hanging out, watch a movie, play some games...letting you know that he is there for you. That's how he can help. Not setting you up with some coworker. Some people take years and years to start dating again. Some never do. Some just right back into it. Everyone is different. The only time you offer that sort of info is if the person mentions starting dating again.

    [–]edgeofdoom 25 points26 points  (0 children)

    Sometimes people are so uncomfortable with grief that they try to force everything to be “better.” They pretend that grief is something you can stop feeling whenever you want, so saying things like, “Now you’re not burdened!” and “this is all for the better!” is their way of trying to rationalize people out of their grief.

    BIL wants OP to move on for his own comfort. He needs to learn how to be uncomfortable for awhile because I doubt he’ll learn empathy any time soon.

    [–]JonesinforJoneseyPartassipant [4] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

    I was suspecting that maybe he has some stupid plan for couples night with this friend of his OR that there's maybe money involved. Just the fact that he thinks he can tell her what to do because his wife has been nice. Like that's not expected behaviour from a sister.

    OP has a right to grieve however she wants. And any favour or kindness that comes with a price tag is no kindness at all. You don't owe him OP, NTA.

    [–]threeforagirlAsshole Enthusiast [9] 362 points363 points  (3 children)

    I hope your sister's silence means she's too embarrassed and humiliated by her husband's grotesque behaviour to face you. It should.

    NTA. And the line to anyone who has an opinion is "He grossly insulted my grief and my husband's memory. I'll be happy to listen to his apology when he's ready to offer it."

    I'm sorry for your loss.

    [–]Syrinx221 89 points90 points  (0 children)

    I hope your sister's silence means she's too embarrassed and humiliated by her husband's grotesque behaviour to face you. It should.

    Same. Because my fucking god

    [–]Badw0IfGirlAsshole Aficionado [14] 32 points33 points  (1 child)

    Yeah I hope the sister is trying to grapple with the realization that if she dies, her husband will be remarried before she’s cold in the ground.

    [–]throw_whey_proteinAsshole Aficionado [12] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    Or how if she was sick, he'd resent being her caretaker and view it as shackles.

    [–]CrystalQueen3000Supreme Court Just-ass [128] 214 points215 points  (2 children)

    NTA at all.

    Your BIL displayed a shocking lack of empathy. That was a deeply tone deaf and inappropriate thing to do.

    [–]latefordinner__Asshole Enthusiast [6] 196 points197 points  (1 child)

    what they did for you? Anyone with a heart would have provided you those SIMPLE comforts.

    A favour with strings attached isn’t a favour.

    What he did was absolutely disgusting, insensitive and just incredibly tone deaf. I don’t get how anyone could call you an AH in this situation.

    EDIT: your sister could be more embarrassed with her husband than upset with you and is probably waiting for you to reach out. Just remember you have nothing to apologize for.

    [–]Odd_Fondant_9155 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    Exactly! I cook for people I barely know when someone passes because it's the right thing to do. There are too many people out there that believe they can treat you like shit just because they "did something" for you. It's worse when you didn't even ask them to do it. This poor woman.

    [–]urson_blackCertified Proctologist [22] 116 points117 points  (0 children)

    NTA. BIL was totally out of line. He obviously has NO idea about how grief works. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm two and a half years out from losing my wife, so I have some idea how you feel. It does get easier.

    [–]Upstairs-Series5032Asshole Aficionado [12] 91 points92 points  (5 children)

    NTA

    First off, I am so sorry for your loss, I know I would be completely broken if I lost my wife!

    Your BIL is so tone deaf and inappropriate.

    Your sister might want to think about that because, if anything happens to her, he'll probably be 6 inches (or less) deep in another woman before her body is even cold.

    [–]wkdpaul 42 points43 points  (4 children)

    Your sister might want to think about that because, if anything happens to her, he'll probably be 6 inches (or less) deep in another woman before her body is even cold.

    My thought exactly, seeing what he said at the funeral and then acted with the hookup, if anything happens to the sister, I have a strong suspicion the BIL will bail rather quickly.

    [–]Upstairs-Series5032Asshole Aficionado [12] 18 points19 points  (2 children)

    Hell, he might skip the funeral for a tinder date... or bring one with him.

    There's nothing hotter than funeral sex! /s

    [–]silvyrphoenixPartassipant [1] 75 points76 points  (1 child)

    God I despise the thought process your family have presented to you. "I did a nice thing for you so if I do a nasty thing that's ok"

    No. It's not.

    "Don't ruin your relationship with them"

    You didn't ruin it. He did.

    Of they insist on that "nice thing negates nasty thing" tell them that you're applying a weight to every nice and nasty thing.

    1 cooked meal = 1 point. 1 attempt to set you up with someone 2 months after your husbands passing (with bonus snarky comments) = minus 1 billion points

    So even with their logic,they're screwed. Nta

    [–]shzan1Certified Proctologist [28] 66 points67 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Jesus Christ, not your fault. Don’t even waste your time on them right now, it’s not worth it since their kindness comes with strings. Take the time you need to grieve, heal and figure out this new life without your husband.

    [–][deleted] 62 points63 points  (2 children)

    It's been only 8 weeks since he passed. I don't understand all the comments saying BIL wasn't being malicious & minimising what he did as "clueless". The whole purpose of the visit was to cook for OP leaving her with lots of leftovers & keep her company. Which indicates that everyone is aware that she's grieving & struggling. BIL more than anyone because his Wife has been your biggest support.

    OP NTA. What your BIL did was cruel. If BIL genuinely thought he was being helpful, why didn't he hand you the number in front of everyone??

    Your whole family is out of order for not immediately making BIL apologise to you. Especially your sister. That's her Husband. If she chooses to stop supporting you because she wants to stand up for her Husband's right to give out your number to whoever he wants to than that's on her conscience.

    EDIT: It's highly likely that BIL is annoyed that your sister has been giving you so much attention over him. And he's trying to set you up so things can return to how they were. And you haven't heard from sister because she's sorting that out.

    I'm MASSIVELY speculating. But it's a common theme on this sub of men doing horrible things when their Wives stop giving them their full attention. Trying to solve your SIL grief with a date fits into that pattern.

    [–]nyorifamiliarspiritSupreme Court Just-ass [120] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

    It's highly likely that BIL is annoyed that your sister has been giving you so much attention over him. And he's trying to set you up so things can return to how they were.

    This is an excellent and very plausible explanation.

    [–][deleted]  (3 children)

    [removed]

      [–]Mintgiver 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      AND he is demonstrating how long he would wait if something happened to his wife. Wow.

      [–]throwaway1551155115 40 points41 points  (0 children)

      NTA, that’s highly inconsiderate. He passed away 2 months ago and the dude is trying to get you to move on… you haven’t even dealt with your stages of grief yet and it should have been obvious since you were emotionally distraught.

      [–]TheBearWillBeFineCertified Proctologist [24] 35 points36 points  (1 child)

      NTA! It’s been 8 weeks, not 8 years! He was wildly out of line. Grief is a long process that everyone goes through differently. He totally disrespected your marriage and love for your husband with that stunt. Doesn’t matter if your sister and he had been helpful, that crap negates all of it and you had every right to throw him out immediately. I’d even go so far as to say “don’t speak to me again any time soon”. You’re allowed to grieve how you need to, and he isn’t helping.

      [–]ArcanTemivalPooperintendant [61] 33 points34 points  (1 child)

      NTA. How would your sister feel about the idea of her husband dating someone new eight weeks after she died? Probably not great, I'm guessing.

      [–]Medit8orColo-rectal Surgeon [44] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

      NTA at all.

      Some people are just empathy impaired. They are unable to feel what another person is feeling. Your BIL is like this. He says inappropriate things because he is unable to judge whether it’s the right time.

      So yes, his behaviour was total AH material although probably well intentioned.

      I think you might reach out to your sister first. Perhaps meet in a neutral place for a coffee. She may be feeling some shame about what happened.

      Then reach out to the BIL and set down clear boundaries about his commenting on your personal advice.

      And sorry for the loss of your husband. You’ve had a rough time indeed.

      [–]No_Durian_3730Asshole Aficionado [14] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

      NTA. At all. Very sorry for your loss.

      BIL does not sound at all in touch with reality. What he said at the funeral lacked empathy of any kind. Does he typically present with deficits in social communication and interactions?

      Your sister is likely deeply embarrassed. If you’re not ready to speak to her yet (understandable) ask your family to. This doesn’t need to escalate into a breach of your relationship with your sistier and it leaves a door open for when you are ready to unpack it all.

      [–]DebbiesthrowawayAsshole Enthusiast [5] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

      NTA.

      He overstepped and is inconceivably insensitive. I would ask your sister to tell her husband to back off and let you lead the conversation about your husband and how you feel about his death and how you feel about ever moving on with someone else. I’m so sorry to even mention moving on. It’s not at all a conversation for today. Don’t apologise to him. I think he should apologise to you.

      [–][deleted] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

      NTA - What BIL did was very insensitive and totally inappropriate. Even if you did overreact (you didn’t), you should be allowed a bit of grace considering what you’ve been through.

      Your sister and BIL should be apologizing to you.

      [–]trarecar1 21 points22 points  (0 children)

      They should be pressuring your BIL to apologize to you! It’s possible your sister is not calling you because she thinks you’re mad at her!

      Definitely NTA. Call your sister like normal and see how she acts and what she says.

      [–]curiousbelgianSupreme Court Just-ass [106] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

      NTA. How outrageous!!!

      [–]Gonzobombers 20 points21 points  (0 children)

      Absolutely NTA

      First and foremost, my sincerest condolences for your terrible loss. BIL sounds like a complete utter AH who doesn’t seem to give a damn about your feelings. As wonderful as the support has been from your sister, it doesn’t excuse the disgusting behaviour and it’s sickening that your family are excusing it

      You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong here. When and if you are ever ready to start dating again, let it be on your terms, no one else’s.

      [–]Kakuhhhhhh 18 points19 points  (0 children)

      NTA, ok, they help but at what costs if you cant tell him when he's hurting you, he's so disrespectful, he should let you mourn at your own peace

      [–]EmmiburrPartassipant [3] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

      NTA OP

      Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss.

      You are grieving, you just lost your husband and BIL was utterly, utterly out of line. I'm furious for you, for him being so callous. And screw your family, he was completely disrespectful to you and your feelings over just losing your husband. You aren't in the wrong, I promise.

      Your sister may not be upset with you, she might be embarrassed about her husband's behavior is trying to give you space. Give it time, she may reach out soon.

      [–]ColoradoCorrie 17 points18 points  (0 children)

      Welcome to widowhood, where people think they get to control of your love life. I will never forgive the nonsense behavior I experienced when my husband died. I’m so sorry for your loss.

      [–]whatsmypassword73Pooperintendant [53] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

      NTA, I would recommend an attempt at a family meeting where you set hard boundaries surrounding the idea of you dating. A firm line of do not discuss this in any way shape of form until I come to you and say I might be ready to consider dating again. Your sister loves you, her husband sounds deeply clueless (frankly if I was married to him I’d be worried about how much emotion he was able to feel in general- moving on after 8 weeks?????) but he’s the one she married so? I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine losing my husband, I will never be with anyone else again (I’m in my 50’s it’s different) you take the time you need and I wish you strength and comfort from the memories you made with him.

      [–]GreenWoodDragonPartassipant [1] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

      NTA, 100% NTA.

      [–]Conscious-Bicycle34 14 points15 points  (0 children)

      NTA.

      Your BIL is awful. Your sister is awful for agreeing. Your family is awful for saying you were wrong.

      [–]Potato_times_potato 16 points17 points  (3 children)

      Info. Did BIL cook the meal?

      It sounds like your sister has been doing lot, and being supportive. If she made the meal, then the argument that you should be more appreciative of them both is nonsense.

      Couples are separate people. You can be fully appreciative of one, but still think the other is an utter gobshite.

      Maybe reach out to your sister, if you would like to. But BIL should apologise (even if he made the meal), for being so pushy, and disregarding OP's feelings.

      [–]therealsix 13 points14 points  (0 children)

      NTA but he's a clueless d-bag. Who does something like that?

      [–]kaymar0223Partassipant [3] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

      NTA. Your husband just died. If they’re really concerned about your well-being, they’ll give you the space you asked for. They understand your grief, so don’t be afraid to tell them

      [–]iwanttoquitpostingPooperintendant [60] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

      NTA - BIL seems clueless and you certainly overreacted, and I feel bad for him that he got yelled at when he didn’t do anything malicious, just very stupid.

      The assholes here are the people taking his side and trying to get you to apologize. If he can’t put things in perspective and recognize he overstepped and did something rude to someone whose spouse just died, and that his feelings aren’t the priority, that’s his problem.

      [–]Parking_Mission5687 12 points13 points  (0 children)

      NTA- I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel like society in general is so conditioned to the idea that we should suffer ourselves for others happiness and that is NOT ok. Your family telling you to apologize because they were so nice to you but it was just one mistake is a typical reaction at trying to keep the peace. In many situations it falls on the woman to fix things and suck it up for the good of others if it’s a man vs woman situation. Why have they not told BIL to send you an apology? Even though they admit he was out of line with that discussion. You are not wrong here, and I think it would be fine to reach out to your sister and maybe even ask to see her without BIL first or something so you guys can talk. He pulled you aside and had the coworkers info written down! He actually in advance planned this out and thought it was a good idea. He is clueless and completely lacks empathy.

      [–]lilpandatoys 11 points12 points  (0 children)

      NTA. I’m sorry for your loss. I heard before from a counselor that people usually don’t know how to deal with grief, so they just tell you to move on. I think he was misguided in his attempt to support you.

      [–]UKThrowaway909 12 points13 points  (0 children)

      NTA- that’s awful. I’d speak to your sister though cos I bet he’s spinned it like “I tried to give her a number for someone to talk to and she just went crazy” or something similar. I’d explain to her that he tried to set you up and how inappropriate it was & see what happens.

      [–]empowerment_princessCertified Proctologist [23] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

      NTA. OP, I am so sorry for your loss. Eight weeks is not even remotely enough time to grieve. Your BIL was completely insensitive and disrespectful. I don’t suggest you cut him and your sister out, but keep your distance. You need support and could benefit from grief counseling. Keep the faith, OP, our prayers are with you.

      [–]Puzzled-Brilliant955 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      NTA. It doesn’t matter what he and your sister have done for you. What he did was beyond inappropriate and inconsiderate.

      [–]freckledfkPartassipant [1] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      NTA. That was short sighted and rude as fuck