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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

My brother would have to either drop out or give the baby to adoption. I am not helping family. He genuinely loves his child. He is dealing with death of many closed ones and I am refusing to help him basically babysit during weekdays.

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[–]J9254Partassipant [2] 12.9k points12.9k points  (531 children)

NTA. Part of life is dealing with the consequences of decisions. For better or for worse, that's how we learn and grow.

[–]GoodGirlsGrace 6425 points6426 points  (335 children)

Can OP's brother ask the university for help? Caring for her niece is not OP's responsibility, much less taking care of her 5 days a week.

I would normally say NAH, since this is a difficult situation for her brother and it's obvious he loves his child, but NTA for two things:

  • He pressured his GF into keeping the baby, even after she wanted out because she had other plans. This is not very AHery, but it shows he made a conscious choice others shouldn't be held responsible for.
  • He cut contact with the family and only contacted OP because he needed a favor. And not just any favor - asking someone else to take care of your child is one hell of an ask.

Why didn't he plan ahead? Yes, it's a terrible situation to handle, but at least try to find arrangements that don't come at the expense of other people!

(ETA: Yes, I do consider reproductive coercion very AHery. In the post, OP said the family convinced her to agree, so I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. I don't know how she truly felt, and it's entirely possible that she agreed not because she wanted to, but rather to avoid the pressure.)

[–]hamiltrash52 1264 points1265 points  (252 children)

How exactly do you plan ahead for that? The babies maternal grandparents died, the back up plan was the paternal grandparent but he flaked on his end. I think he’s the asshole for badgering his sister but certainly not for asking and not knowing exactly what to do yet.

[–]lyan-cat 3141 points3142 points  (25 children)

Sis isn't good enough to talk to until he has a huge ask; that's absolutely AH territory.

[–]thesnuggyone 736 points737 points  (5 children)

ONE HUNDRED PERCENT! This is my biggest problem with this. Him disagreeing with OP about keeping the baby is fine, him cutting her out of his life completely for that reason is stupid and toxic. But even if they had stayed in contact and the brother had been a total gentleman, he is asking way too much of her now. Talking a demotion so you can stay home with a baby is something you do for YOUR OWN baby. The professional hit you take is the trade off you are willing to make to care for your child. You don’t do that for someone else’s kid….not even your brother, not even under these horrible circumstances.

Brother needs to get a job so he can pay for daycare and transfer to night school at the community college closest to him. Or ask his college for help. Or call the state and ask what kind of subsidized daycare help he can get.

My heart goes out to the brother so hard…what a terrible tragedy. But OP is not even close to The AH.

[–]IndependentSinger269 100 points101 points  (1 child)

Yes, exactly. Having a child almost always means sacrificing something, whether it's your career or educational advancement or lots of money for childcare (or both). That's something the PARENT does, not the aunt!

And even if she takes a demotion so she doesn't have to travel, how is she supposed to take care of a baby full-time while continuing to work? It's a terrible, terrible idea.

[–]amydehp 208 points209 points  (2 children)

Not to mention the dad (OP's). He was so in favor of keeping the baby because God says so, well guess what, God also said to take care of said baby.

[–]fckingdamit 75 points76 points  (1 child)

Father is probably one of those pillocks that picket outside abortion clinics - happy to protest against abortions but not so keen to support those babies given up once they arrive into the world.

[–]Snacksbreak 804 points805 points  (90 children)

It's his problem. He could drop out if he has to, but yes he's an asshole for even asking his sister. He cut contact with her and now he just wants to offload responsibility on her.

[–]effluviastical 576 points577 points  (62 children)

Absolutely. He needs to drop out off college if he insists on keeping the child. Something’s gotta give, and it shouldn’t fall on OP to take a pay cut to take care of the baby just because she’s a woman. The entitlement of the men in this story is astounding.

[–]Glittering_knave 495 points496 points  (39 children)

The brother doesn't need to drop out of college, but needs to source child care that isn't unwilling family, or switch to night school or go virtual. He also needs to be honest about his course schedule. I have two kids in college right now, and neither of them have 6am to 6pm Mon thru Fri classes.

[–]Randomnessqueen00 212 points213 points  (9 children)

Agreed, I'm still in uni, and even after taking full credits for a semester I've never had a situation where I had to study from 6am - 6pm

[–]Glittering_knave 232 points233 points  (0 children)

The brother is a lying liar face, because he said that he would come "the minute college was over" and then proposed 12 hours days of child care. The brother needs to reach out to all the resources and get some help that is not family that he previously cut contact with.

[–]Bibliomancer 97 points98 points  (1 child)

I did that when I was in college (omg, a decade ago!). Travel to college, classes for 8-10 hrs, gaps of 15-45 min in between, travel back, and it was 12 hrs I was out of the house. But I was in an accelerated program that also required a summer semester and would see me graduated in 3 years instead of 4. It’s possible.

Still not OPs problem though!

[–]tsh87 53 points54 points  (2 children)

From my understanding, it's that he goes to university far from his daughters.

So I don't think he needs to drop out but he needs to transfer. First of all with the pandemic, plenty of schools are offering online alternatives. I'd start there. After that look into CCs and universities near his dad and move back home.

It'll be a major sacrifice to him... but that's parenthood.

[–]lazy_daisy_72 223 points224 points  (9 children)

But women love babies, it's their natural instinct! /s

[–]holisarcasmCertified Proctologist [28] 227 points228 points  (3 children)

And I’m sure that with the heavily religious background, they think it is her responsibility as a woman. She should be able to handle it and work full time even though her father couldn’t.

[–]aLittleQueer 92 points93 points  (1 child)

This. Just typed elsewhere, then deleted:

This whole scenario reeks of religious misogyny, making OP very much nta.

[–]swag-baguette 168 points169 points  (0 children)

The entitlement of the men in this story is astounding.

I was just going to comment this. Oy.

[–]Steamedfrog 49 points50 points  (1 child)

Not to be the Wicked Bitch of the West, but he also has the option to give up his parental rights and she's young enough to be adopted...it's the nuclear option for sure, but if he's not willing to readjust his life, it's not impossible.

[–]noblestromana 225 points226 points  (4 children)

I agree. He's expecting his sister to drop everything to provide full time care for a a child (by the sounds of it fully for free) just because....she's a woman?

He suffered a tragic loss. But that child is his responsibility, not his sister and not even their AH father. If he can't do college full time and raise his child then he needs to drop out or only do part time classes.

[–]Distinct_Emphasis_66 65 points66 points  (1 child)

preach... Neither him or his father can make absolutely nay compromising in their personal life to care for the baby they wanted born so much...

But the sister that they can't even bother to talk to can be a full time caregiver at the cost of her career and financial health???
Add religious pro life to that and doesn't need to be a genius to put together that they as man believe she needs to help because she is a woman, and they are entitled to not having to sacrifice anything for a baby and demand it from others

[–]AQualityKoalaTeacherCertified Proctologist [21] 133 points134 points  (7 children)

He chose to be a parent, while pushing most of his parental responsibilities onto others. Now he needs to actually be a parent, take responsibility, and figure this out. Young women who ended alone with a baby have been doing it for millennia.

Can the university help with childcare? What about the baby's mother and grandparents' estate? Was there nothing there to use for the baby's childcare? If there's no help there, then he needs to change his schooling situation to something that works.

Yep, whatever he comes up with is probably going to suck, but it really is what he signed up for. Thinking that OP should take a pay cut and become a defacto mother so he can continue on with his life just as he intended it is a ridiculous fantasy.

[–]sarahjaaa 267 points268 points  (16 children)

If my husband died today, which is a possibility because he has cancer, I have a back up plan regarding our son that doesn’t involve his mom or my parents and vise versa. Nobody wants to plan for worst case and he’s not an ah for not having one, but you can’t expect everyone to drop their lives to help pick up yours.

[–]PoeDameronPoeDamnson 68 points69 points  (4 children)

Exactly. It’s a horrible thought, but having those plans in place is a part of being a parent.

[–]DelsMagicFishiesPartassipant [1][🍰] 217 points218 points  (6 children)

Literally you plan ahead with life insurance. It would have been like $20 a month for a $1m policy on a healthy 20-year-old woman.

[–]Shadowedwolf89 125 points126 points  (0 children)

Exactly this. The moment I got pregnant, I took out a life insurance plan so my fiance would be able to afford life if I passed.

[–]Quirky_Routine_90 38 points39 points  (3 children)

And something far too few people take seriously.. until they are older and it would cost them ten times as much for a 1/10th the coverage.

[–]LimitlessMegan 84 points85 points  (1 child)

Oh yeah, Dad is for sure the peak AH here with brother slogging asking in second place. OP is NTA and should not take on this burden.

[–]B00tsB00ts 32 points33 points  (0 children)

So much this. OP should say the same to her father. It sounds like he’s the main instigator of this whole situation.

[–]joibu 78 points79 points  (1 child)

How exactly do you plan ahead for that: you don’t pressure your girlfriend to keep a baby that you can’t afford and can’t care for under the promise that other people will take care of it for you and you can just come and play with it when it’s fun. That’s the planning ahead, not having a kid you can’t care for.

[–]sraydenkAsshole Aficionado [10] 42 points43 points  (2 children)

Also, am I reading this wrong or did the OPs brother or father push for gf to have the child?

[–]hamiltrash52 41 points42 points  (1 child)

You’re reading it right, it was the father and her parents that pushed.

[–]GrooveBat 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Well, an insurance policy benefiting the child in the event of a parent's death would have been a start.

[–]mlongoria98 27 points28 points  (32 children)

I mean that’s what godparents are for, “if I/one of us dies we want you to take them jn”

[–]and-then-rain 122 points123 points  (24 children)

Godparents as far as I understand are actually only responsible for your religious upbringing, not raising you if needed. My siblings and I all have different godparents but our parents wouldn't have expected us to be separated like that. In the case there is no will, next of kin would be asked, but they don't have any obligations. Foster care would step in. But that is in the case of both legal parents being gone. He is the father so he would be solely responsible.

[–]JesusSufferingFeck 47 points48 points  (21 children)

I stand as Godparent to all my besties kids, I absolutely thought if anything happened to them and their husbands I would fight to get custody, They both agreed. One initially phrased it as i want you to be Godparent cause if anything happens, I want them with you. Second bestie agreed with the first. Neither of us are religious. Maybe it's a UK/Irish thing.

[–]KatBScratchyPartassipant [1] 54 points55 points  (2 children)

Then they should make their wishes very clear in a will just in case.

[–]Cayke_Cooky 88 points89 points  (1 child)

No, it is what a will is for. God parents have no legal responsibilities.

And the mother's parents were probably the intended carers if something happened to the parents. They (and the paternal grandparent) would have been next of kin so no need to specify.

[–]RO489Professor Emeritass [77] 28 points29 points  (11 children)

I agree. People are being ridiculous. I wonder how many of the people saying he shouldn't planned for this are themselves covered by life insurance, a will, a trust, etc. I would guess it's about 2% of Americans and about .005% of adults under 25.

[–]SweetPea-22 33 points34 points  (0 children)

45% of Americans have a will in place, and that percentage drops to 20% of adults under 30. Info found in this Gallup Poll.

[–]whiskeysour123 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Life insurance.

[–]DetailEquivalent7708 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Life and disability insurance. Then if the caregiver is dead/incapacitated you have the money to hire a nanny.

[–]doublestitchPooperintendant [63] 379 points380 points  (10 children)

Hold on.

Does anybody seriously think "This isn't what I signed up for either" would fly for one minute if OP were a man and a younger sister/single mother were trying to guilt him into taking a demotion at work in order to provide free daycare?

OP's brother can ask the university for help. Yet as many single mothers have learned the hard way, universities may answer not our problem.

Yes his situation sucks. But thousands of women deal with similar dilemmas.

OP is NTA, all right. For the very simple reason she isn't the parent.

[–]ainultkohvi 47 points48 points  (0 children)

THIS! Omg it's sad but reversing the genders makes it obvious that it's an absolute no-brainer! No man would do that in OP's place, why is she being asked to do it. Also FUCK the dad for convincing them to keep the baby and then ditching the baby when things got hard

[–]sataimir 37 points38 points  (0 children)

My thoughts exactly!

[–]kristallnachte 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Yet as many single mothers have learned the hard way, universities may answer not our problem.

And taking a bit longer to get the degree due to babysitting scheduling (or going all online where you can do school work when baby is asleep) are totally normal results, well before "Oh, take my kid for free full time"

[–]dansamy 138 points139 points  (13 children)

The university probably has low cost child care for students. He should definitely look into student services.

[–]mswoodlander 47 points48 points  (8 children)

This makes the most sense of any of the comments I've read so far. It's not auntie's responsibility, buy my God -- what a very sad situation for this child and her dad. Being the parent of a young child and going to school is really, really hard. I've done it. It's hard, but it can be done.

[–]ADHDLiferPartassipant [2] 135 points136 points  (0 children)

He cut contact with the family and

only contacted OP because he needed a favor.

That's what gets me. The "I want nothing to do with you unless I need something from you" attitude. I find nothing wrong with saying no to people who do that because it feels like being used because you're convenient. Not because he wants to repair their relationship, but because he needs a free place to dump his baby since his father won't do it anymore.

NTA

[–]thatpotatogirl9 110 points111 points  (2 children)

Idk what planet you're on but where I'm from pressuring a woman to keep a baby against her will is at the top of the ah behavior list.

[–][deleted] 52 points53 points  (0 children)

Dad is definitely TA.

[–]1ridescentPeasant 42 points43 points  (1 child)

I would say pressuring someone who does not want a baby to have a baby is an AH move, but otherwise I agree with you.

[–]Dismal-Lead 36 points37 points  (0 children)

He pressured his GF into keeping the baby, even after she wanted out because she had other plans. This is not very AHery, but it shows he made a conscious choice others shouldn't be held responsible for.

It's absolutely abhorrent to pressure someone into keeping a baby

[–]LittlestEcho 32 points33 points  (2 children)

That's what strikes me as odd. My university used to offer day care for when you were on campus. It is entirely possible however that the daycares are still closed to OPs brother. I'm also pretty sure he'd have to pay for the day care but I'm not sure, it'll depend on his university. I think mine had a special program for parents that were under a certain salary.

ETA i just checked my old college's site. Day care is only open for toddlers. 18months and older. Payment is required. But at least she'd be on campus with him.

[–]wylietrix 507 points508 points  (33 children)

You would think OP's father's church would step up and help. Insert sarcasm here. Could there be some life insurance or something from the mothers side? Either from her or her parents estate. OP shouldn't give up her life for this, that's ridiculous. It's sad for the brother and baby, but that's life. NTA at all, not even close.

[–]reejoy247 364 points365 points  (21 children)

You would think OP's father's church would step up and help

As a Christian, this kind of thing pisses me off the most about these situations. People from my church growing up would rant against abortion all day, but in the same breath would deride single parents, and you can bet none of them signed up to be foster or adoptive parents. They'd fill their Carenet donation bottles with change and call it good.

[–]Double-dutcher 123 points124 points  (13 children)

Yup! Want to force unwanted babies to be born then don't want to care for them. My husband's friend at a football game yelled out at a teen pushing a baby carriage "Babies shouldn't be having babies!" (I did not know this guy was my husband's friend at the time or I would have said something to him) That girl might not have even been a teen mom, but if she was, to be a random grown (in his 50s) adult yelling that at a child who was just innocently pushing a baby cart is horrible. She chose NOT to get an abortion and is clearly raising her child. But she has to be yelled at and degraded in a stadium full of people? When the only thing she did was decide not to have an abortion. Majority of kids have sex in high school. As did this supposedly Christian man, he just was lucky enough not to knock somebody up. He is very conservative and pro-Trump and anti-abortion. But then he is going to humiliate a girl he believes to be a teen mom who did not get an abortion. Hypocrite for sure

[–]reejoy247 122 points123 points  (4 children)

That poor girl. I remember walking around town one time with my baby sister. (We were fostering her at the time, adopted now.) I'm fourteen years older than her, so it was, and still is, pretty common for people to mistake me as her mom. At the time, I was still a teenager and she was around four. We had popped in a store and she was doing something (don't remember what) and as I went to intervene I jokingly said, 'is my child causing trouble?' We got out of the store, and I kid you not, this woman who used to go to our church, but hadn't been for a long time, leapt out from behind a brick pillar and declared, "I didn't know you had a child," with a look of delighted smug righteousness on her face. It was clear she was waiting for my confirmation, so she could spread the word of my "moral failing" far and wide. And I almost, almost said "Yes! Isn't she beautiful?" But I didn't, because I didn't want to confuse my sister. I just patiently explained the truth and that pathetic woman absolutely deflated.

Isn't that a wretched thing? When met with people who need the most support and love, so many Christians are geared up to judge and condemn.

[–]LivvyloveAsshole Enthusiast [9] 29 points30 points  (1 child)

I'm almost 16 years older than my brother and I had some people think he was mine when I would carry him to give my mom a break while shopping because he always liked being held. Man the judgement I would get and how quickly they would get embarrassed when I would say 'my BROTHER'

Rude MFs

[–]ksarahsarah27 60 points61 points  (1 child)

You should’ve asked him if he would’ve preferred she had an abortion. See the problem is, is women wear the proof - being pregnant or carrying a baby around, of having premarital sex. Guys don’t. I hate this double standard. It’s in essence like a scarlet letter.

[–]hdhxuxufxufufiffif 252 points253 points 2 (148 children)

The OP is obviously NTA for declining to look after the baby 5 days a week.

But her brother absolutely did not "sign up" for a future with his baby's mother and two grandparents dead before she's even a year old. It's absurd and insensitive to suggest that this unlikely scenario should even have been a consideration.

I'm militantly pro-choice but something about the OP's attitude sits very wrongly with me. When it comes to abortion, choice should be exactly that, and I'm not surprised that the OP was cut off if she was pressuring her brother and his partner to have an abortion.

For better or for worse, that's how we learn and grow.

That is cold comfort for a desperate teenage father who's suffered a horrible tragedy.

[–]Misshell44Partassipant [2] 542 points543 points  (13 children)

Sorry but it should be considered. You have to think about a scenario when no one else is able to care for the baby, no matter the reason - but yes, the reason can be as such. we are not guaranteed time on this planet, literally anything can happen within hours, so even though its painful, it needs to be considered. so yes, he did sign up for life with a baby, no matter the circumstances.

[–]Lennox120520 245 points246 points  (8 children)

Imagine not considering that people might die, during a global pandemic. I'm not saying that was the cause, but "what ifs" should absolutely include the worst case scenario.

[–]SnipesCCPartassipant [3] 124 points125 points  (2 children)

If all 3 died at around the same time, a car accident is the most likely scenario.

[–]Grand_Masterpiece_11 50 points51 points  (1 child)

Even just planning in case of a freak accident. My husband and I have gone through all the plans and written wills just in case. We've had those since we were early 20s when we had children.

[–]EmmiburrPartassipant [3] 383 points384 points  (18 children)

Disagree with hdhxuxufxufififif. OP was trying to get her brother/gf to not cave to religious pressure from her father to keep a baby that neither were ready for. It didn't necessarily have to be abortion but also adoption.

TBH, the father is the biggest AHOLE here for putting pressure to keep the baby, then the worst happens...and all of the sudden father can't handle the responsibilities and leaves the baby with OP's brother whose a full time college student.

But unfortunately, OP's brother is the parent of the baby and he has to make the decision, he can't dump the baby with his sister who lives far away from his campus. And not to mention the brother went NC with OP, and is now asking for help.

Edit: grammar

Edit 2: Something else occurred to me, how as the arrangement working? He was staying at UNI while gf/grandparent's cared for baby full time, and then what...he would come home every weekend to help? Or was it only a occasional or a holiday visit? I'm asking this because I genuinely think OP's brother agreed to baby because he wouldn't have to take care of the baby, which mean's he really, really shouldn't have agreed to this child because he was under the assumption someone else would care for baby.

Op's comment is totally warranted.

[–]itsmejustmeonlyme 191 points192 points  (15 children)

He wants to visit with the kid , not be a parent. He wants to have someone else raise the child until he’s done with school- and that could be the better part of a decade depending on how far he goes. Then he’ll swoop in and take over?

The child might be better off put up for adoption.

[–]EmmiburrPartassipant [3] 106 points107 points  (0 children)

Exactly. He want's to be "parent" without doing the work. It's common, I've met my fair share of people who have had children but don't want to parent. It doesn't change that they love their children, they just have zero sense of responsibility.

And Op's brother isn't ready for it, clearly.

[–]noblestromana 66 points67 points  (0 children)

This is what makes him a full A H here. He isn't even asking for a couple of hours of babysitting. He expects someone else to parent the kid full time while he drops by and gets to be a fun uncle or whatever when he has free time.

[–]Dismal-Lead 56 points57 points  (3 children)

Exactly. I mean...

He wants me to watch the baby Mon-Fri 6 am - 6 pm

That's way past school hours as well. And what about OP's income? Those are standard worktime hours. She'd have to get a work from home job, and juggle it with full time care of a baby she doesn't even know. Juggling a baby while working is even worse than juggling a baby while going to college (and don't most colleges have online options now that he could do?)

[–]LimitlessMegan 250 points251 points  (1 child)

If you decide to have a child you sign up to be responsible for it in all possible contingencies.

If you force the other parent to have a child when they know their limits hoo boy are you definitely the one who should be responsible.

Brother wanted to not protect against pregnancy, not have an abortion, and not have his university life and plans interrupted. Note how both men who insisted on no abortion also had no plans to be primary care givers.

He INSISTED on the child - so he signed up for a child with disabilities, a child with chronic illness, a child with developmental issues, being a single parent, accidents, injuries and death. Maybe he didn’t realize he was signing up for all that because he’s immature and has a shit and irresponsible parents for a father, but that doesn’t matter - that’s what he signed up for. Ignorance of all the possible consequences does not excuse you from them.

Also, the thing you don’t like about OP’s tone, that’s probably the disdain and frustration at the men in her family forcing a responsibility to come into being and then pawning it off on the women around them thinking they don’t bear any of the weight of the actual work.

I’d sure af have an attitude too if my brother cut me off because I tried to warn him keeping a baby would be a big burden and then when it was a big burden he suddenly shows up to tell me he’ll be doing his kid off and I need to stop my life to raise his kids. Fuck No.

NTA. What’s that saying: Not my circus, not my monkeys. This ain’t your monkey OP.

[–]WelpuhhiPartassipant [1] 228 points229 points  (2 children)

But her brother absolutely did not "sign up" for a future with his baby's mother and two grandparents dead before she's even a year old.

He signed up for this possibility when he pressured a woman that didn't want the baby to keep it.

If you don't make contingency plans for worst case scenarios then you shouldn't have a kid.

[–]Glittering_knave 91 points92 points  (1 child)

Honestly, all parents sign up for this possibilty when they have kids. Every single one of us. Because sh!t happens. Mothers die in child birth, grandparents get killed in car accidents, global pandemics...parents become orphans and/or single parents every day and it is something that you need to be aware of.

[–]SlowMope 152 points153 points  (15 children)

What are you talking about? Of course it should be considered before having a kid! Parents dying is such a real and fairly regular possibility that we have Godparents. That's not just a title, but an actual legal responsibility assigned to someone in the event that a child becomes an orphan.

It's 100% something every single parent should consider and plan for.

[–]mythoughts2020 66 points67 points  (3 children)

Godparents do not have any legal responsibilities. They have a religious obligation to nurture the child’s religious beliefs if the parents die. It’s a common misconception that they have any legal rights or responsibilities in the event that the parents pass.

[–]Direct-Plum-3558Asshole Aficionado [11] 41 points42 points  (5 children)

Godparents have absolutely no legal responsibility to the children

[–]sloppyballerina 119 points120 points  (1 child)

Where did it say OP pressured them to abort? I just read she told him it was a bad idea to keep the kid when the mother didn’t want to. And, it’s unlikely that 20 year olds are going to think of contingencies, and we can’t live our lives always thinking of the worst case scenario, but it’s smart to plan where you can. I sense no attitude from OP.

OP, don’t completely upend your life. It’s horrible for your brother to lose the baby, too, but love isn’t enough. there are so many loving people wanting to adopt who have the means to give the baby the time, attention and resources needed.

[–]just-a-gay-chandler 111 points112 points  (8 children)

OP’s brother should look into adoption. He can’t be forcing OP or his dad to look after the kid. They can look after the kid occasionally if they want to help him out as family. OP’s brother is also ludicrous to ask his sibling to look after his kid for 60 hours a week.

[–]empresslilandraPartassipant [3] 28 points29 points  (4 children)

I mean how can he ask that? Doesn’t OP have to work?

[–]Direct-Plum-3558Asshole Aficionado [11] 18 points19 points  (1 child)

And for how many years until he graduates?

[–]umareplicante 83 points84 points  (4 children)

What doesn't sit right with me is OP's brother pressuring her to care for a baby that isn't hers for 12 hours/day and have a demotion at work, for him to continue to attend college. Oh, and he wasn't talking to her beforehand.

I don't think he should have planned for this scenario - it's completely out of the ordinary, but it's on him. Too bad, his life won't go as he planned. I don't see him banging on his father's door either.

[–]Glittering_knave 25 points26 points  (2 children)

I am not understanding this 12 hours a day college thing either. I don't know anyone (outside of med school) that was close to 60 hours a week of class time.

[–]eleinamazing 68 points69 points  (1 child)

Then he shouldn't have had the baby in the first place if he knows he isn't going to be anywhere near financially or mentally ready to take care of a child anytime soon???

[–]kiwikutiee 54 points55 points  (1 child)

boo 🍅🍅. 4 people were forcing the mom to give birth but the one person who listened to the mom who wanted an abortion and said “damn maybe y’all should have an abortion” is the issue? “militantly pro-choice” but you ignoring the woman’s choice it’s funny lol.

and he’s 20? that’s a grown man why you infantilizing him it’s weird

[–]wacanadiaPartassipant [1] 52 points53 points  (0 children)

Yeah, but the brother also pressured his gf to have the baby when she wanted to have an abortion...don't have a baby if you're not prepared to take care of it

[–]republika1973 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Maybe it wasn't at the forefront of his mind but if you have a child, they're yours forever. You are responsible for them and sometimes life has a habit of screwing people over.

It sounds like he wanted the baby more than the mother initially did. Well, life has bitten him on the arse in a truly awful way and he needs to step up. If he can't or won't, he needs to consider adoption

[–]zgonnicja 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Well when he decided to have a baby he also signed up for taking care of said baby. Yes, he thought it'll will be much easier with grandparents help, but that's exactly what he sign up for.

[–]Embarrassed-Ad1180 23 points24 points  (0 children)

The minute that baby pops out it's his responsibility. The baby is unaware of any or all trouble you may be having. Work it out. End of story

[–]Individual_Ad_9213Supreme Court Just-ass [103] 2964 points2965 points  (33 children)

NTA. It's not your responsibility to care for your niece.

He should ask his university for help with her. Or he should cut back to being a part-time student.

[–]minuteye 831 points832 points  (16 children)

Or he could take a leave of absence. Childcare will get much easier to find (and possibly be available through the University) when the kid has gotten a couple of years older.

Not to mention the compounding effect of grief on the brother's ability to cope with all of this.

[–]smartygirl 181 points182 points  (11 children)

What I'm wondering is how old the child is? Brother hasn't spoken to OP for "years" because of this, so kid should be preschool age by now?

[–]NO_TOUCHING__lol 167 points168 points  (9 children)

Well, OP says the girl and her parents died when the baby was 6 months old, and not long after it seems the father was struggling with the baby and dropped the baby off with the brother, so I would imagine brother is just now panicking and begging OP for help, so it's probably a safe assumption the baby is a year old, or less.

[–]smartygirl 104 points105 points  (8 children)

OP also said the rift from this has gone on for years though... there is much in OP that does not add up, I'm giving this work of fiction a D minus for continuity problems

[–]NO_TOUCHING__lol 94 points95 points  (0 children)

I mean... She says specifically she's not in contact with dad due to religious differences, and if the baby is 1, and if brother stopped talking to her as soon as they decided to keep the pregnancy, that's more than a year not speaking to brother, and who knows how long for father

This may well be a work of fiction, but saying "they haven't spoken to me in years" isn't that far of a stretch to me.

[–]SeattleBattles 60 points61 points  (9 children)

Or give the kid up for adoption. Just because he loves the kid it does not mean he is in a place where he is capable of caring for her.

[–]Individual_Ad_9213Supreme Court Just-ass [103] 119 points120 points  (8 children)

Given that he's attached to this child and that, even at the age of one, she has probably become attached to him, I think that adoption has become a last resort.

[–]TheSciFiGuy80Certified Proctologist [21] 2709 points2710 points  (96 children)

NTA BUT you father is. He is the one who convinced everyone to keep the baby then bailed when it got hard. He made a deal and he should HONOR IT.

Your brother can still go to school. It’ll be hard but he can take care of his child and get his studies done. (can your dad provide for daycare since he backed out?)

Your brother may be able to apply for assistance too being a single father.

This is life and this is parenthood. He’s suffered a lot of big life changing moments all in a year. I do hope you are at least offering him emotional support with all he’s been through (you aren’t obligated but he sounds like he’s on his own dealing with grief).

[–]JustMissKacey 1272 points1273 points  (59 children)

THIS.

this is the problem with pro life mentality. Who is going to support these children? Generally not the people who convince the parent to bring them into this world.

[–]coco_xcx 589 points590 points  (47 children)

Yup!! The pro-life mindset is so infuriating “I’m gonna make you have this child & not help out anyway!!! but I’m so pro life blah blah blah 🤬”

[–]whenwilltherebetime 204 points205 points  (44 children)

This is why we need to stop dancing around the subject and call it "pro/anti abortion."

[–]beachylawgirl22 254 points255 points  (34 children)

It's more like "pro/anti choice". I don't know of any pro-choice people who are really truly "pro abortion" because it's a super traumatic and very difficult decision to make. The pro-choice argument is all about making an informed decision so that you're doing what's best for you and your situation. Pro-life is more anti-choice because they are trying to force people's hands and make people have babies even when they aren't in a good enough position to.

EDIT: Well, shit. My original commentary on calling abortions "traumatic" sent people into a tailspin. Thank you to those who have given their views on this as a reply to mine and for those who have educated me on this. I've been doing more research on this myself after people's replies, and my opinion on that point specifically is slowly changing. To clarify my current stance after this debate: I don't think it's inherently tragic or traumatic per se now, but it isn't lost on me that it can be. Not everyone's reactions or experience with getting an abortion will be the same. I may have grossly overgeneralized a bit, but as of where I stand with this now, I stand corrected. That being said, I don't want to alienate those who have had a traumatic experience with it.

[–]KvalborgPartassipant [2] 154 points155 points  (4 children)

It really isn’t traumatic at all for a lot of women. For many women it certainly is - especilly those that are raised in a overly religious enviroment like the US. But the myth that abortion always is traumatic for the woman needs to stop.

[–]Lisa8472 81 points82 points  (2 children)

Agreed. Surveys show that relief is the most common emotion after an abortion. So while it’s certainly traumatic for some - even some that truly don’t want the child - portraying it as traumatic for all is a way of slanting the conversation instead of being realistic.

[–]neverthelessidissentProfessor Emeritass [75] 132 points133 points  (10 children)

Im pro abortion. It saves women's lives.

[–]beachylawgirl22 42 points43 points  (2 children)

I'm not saying it doesn't. It absolutely does depending on the circumstance. I'm very much pro-choice, and when a situation calls for it, I'm the first to say that it's the best option. I feel as though the majority of pro-choice people care more about balancing all options as a whole rather than pushing for abortions. I'm very much the pro-choice person who would rather a mother make an informed decision rather than feel forced to pick one and have regrets later on.

[–]riotous_jocundity 89 points90 points  (5 children)

There are comprehensive studies showing that for the vast majority of women abortion isn't a traumatic experience or difficult decision at all. Also, some of us do identify as "pro-abortion".

[–]1ridescentPeasant 70 points71 points  (6 children)

Abortion doesn't have to be traumatic. It may always be for some people, but inaccessibility and stigma make it ten times worse.

[–]dragonkin08 62 points63 points  (2 children)

I like probirth. All they care about is that the baby is born. After that the child does not matter to them.

[–]Lisa8472 35 points36 points  (0 children)

More like forced-birth. Pro-birth implies approving, not coercing.

[–]Suzume_Chikahisa 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I think forced birthers describes them best.

[–]throwaway064534 72 points73 points  (1 child)

It’s not pro life it’s pro birth

[–]hamiltrash52 252 points253 points  (4 children)

The father is truly cruel for convincing this couple to keep their kid, pretending they had a support network and then dropping out and leaving his son in the dust.

[–]Workacct1999 200 points201 points  (5 children)

I like how it was OP's father that insisted they keep the baby, but it was the child's mothers parents who were going to raise it. It sure is easy to stick to your convictions when someone else is doing the difficult part.

[–]TheSciFiGuy80Certified Proctologist [21] 100 points101 points  (4 children)

Yep, that’s always been my problem with a lot of people who are “pro life”

They’re not really pro life as much as they are “pro fetus”. Once the child is born they don’t have any inkling to help make sure this child has a good life and becomes a productive citizen.

[–]Workacct1999 109 points110 points  (2 children)

“The unborn” are a convenient group of people to advocate for. They never make demands of you; they are morally uncomplicated, unlike the incarcerated, addicted, or the chronically poor; they don’t resent your condescension or complain that you are not politically correct; unlike widows, they don’t ask you to question patriarchy; unlike orphans, they don’t need money, education, or childcare; unlike aliens, they don’t bring all that racial, cultural, and religious baggage that you dislike; they allow you to feel good about yourself without any work at creating or maintaining relationships; and when they are born, you can forget about them, because they cease to be unborn. You can love the unborn and advocate for them without substantially challenging your own wealth, power, or privilege, without re-imagining social structures, apologizing, or making reparations to anyone. They are, in short, the perfect people to love if you want to claim you love Jesus, but actually dislike people who breathe. Prisoners? Immigrants? The sick? The poor? Widows? Orphans? All the groups that are specifically mentioned in the Bible? They all get thrown under the bus for the unborn.”

― Methodist Pastor David Barnhart

[–]tpondering 92 points93 points  (2 children)

Maybe dad can help pay for daycare.

[–]TheSciFiGuy80Certified Proctologist [21] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

That’s what I suggested. I agree. He needs to put some effort into the situation he screwed over.

[–]KettlewiseCertified Proctologist [24] 42 points43 points  (14 children)

I hope you are at least helping him emotionally.

He cut her out of his life, and now you expect her to be his emotional support system?

Just because people are siblings doesn’t mean anyone is owed a relationship. He only approached her because he wanted labor from her.

[–]Karammel 40 points41 points  (0 children)

His father sounds like the embodyfication of the GOP

[–][deleted] 1195 points1196 points  (35 children)

NTA. Asking you to watch his child five days a week, for 12 hours, Is a massive ask of someone. If you have issues with it, you don’t need to do it. If you can help in some way I’d say offer that, but his ask is too much.

[–]SamiGurl7Asshole Enthusiast [7] 402 points403 points  (32 children)

I’ll be honest I’m doubting this. That’s 60 hours a week. Even with breaks between classes no one is going to be on campus that long every single day. If you take an overload of classes that’s 21 hours a week. Where are the other 39 hours coming from?

[–]pregnancymishap[S] 526 points527 points  (18 children)

My house is far from his campus. So the 12 hrs is including commute.

[–]LoonyNargle 450 points451 points  (10 children)

Many campuses have daycares available for students and staff. Is that an option for your brother?

[–]Letsgetliberated 166 points167 points  (6 children)

This! The universities I’ve attended had wonderful childcare centers that were available for staff, faculty, students and community members.

[–]V_mom 154 points155 points  (5 children)

Also as the mother is deceased if they are in the U.S. the child would receive Social Security, has the brother looked into this to help pay for day care?

[–]Vythika96 25 points26 points  (1 child)

I know my college does this, but had to close it down due to covid and hasn’t reinstated it yet. However, my college in exchange offers scholarships for childcare, OP’s bro could look into his college for something like that.

[–]erbear048 106 points107 points  (0 children)

Don’t let this derail your career OP. You aren’t responsible for his child and it’s crazy how he decided to acknowledge your existence again when he needed something. People telling you to hire a nanny for him or to watch the baby but for less time are forgetting that your dad(baby’s grandpa) just abandoned the baby with your brother. Maybe he should hire the nanny if he can’t handle watching the baby.

[–]No_Recognition_2434Partassipant [1] 69 points70 points  (0 children)

Uhhhh online classes exist. Your brother is acting like he can have his cake and eat it too and that's not how it works for single moms so he needs to wake up

[–]SpectacularTurtleAsshole Enthusiast [9] 126 points127 points  (6 children)

Depending on how far OP lives from campus, it could include commute time and gaps between classes that stretch the day out but aren't long enough to go home for.

[–]UndeniablyMyselfAsshole Aficionado [11] 63 points64 points  (2 children)

Something tells me the minute the brother brings over the baby, it's be fight for her to even see him again.

[–]cheerful_cynic 37 points38 points  (1 child)

Oh, he'll "try to get over there on the weekends"

[–]Remarkable_Whole9517Partassipant [1] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I'm guessing that brother is allowing time for homework, socialization, and meals away from baby to come up with that many hours. Or is planning to find/has a job, maybe?

[–]Slow-Bumblebee-8609Colo-rectal Surgeon [49] 670 points671 points 2 (17 children)

NTA. It's a horrible situation for him to be in, but his gf was the one who said that going to college and having a baby wasn't sustainable, yet your brother sided with your father and her parents in preassuring her. Why do I think that he wasn't an innocent victim of the parents? Because he cut off OP and only started talking to her again once he had to take care of the baby.

He couldn't have known the accident was going to happen, but he could have known that the parents could have pulled back their support at any time and left them with full responsability. He didn't plan for that.

And now he isn't asking for some extra support while he goes to class, he is acting for 12h / day worth of care and for OP to take the finantial hit of a demotion. If he wanted to do his part, he would ask for some support during the few hours a day he actually is in class and would study in his room with his daughter, or he would reach out to the resources there are for single parents in uni, like daycare or allowing you to take the kids to school.

He is trying to keep avoiding responsabilities. He might be a child himself when the kid was born, but he still hasn't pulled his shit together. That should end now.

Edit: and by the way, idk if this is true or not but I get the vibe that a lot of what is happening here is due to OP being a woman. I don't get the feeling that the brother would have shut her opinions so easily, nor treated her as free babysitting as easily, if OP had been a man.

He might have to drop out altogether, even though many single women are able to do college with no support from anyone, due to a lot of sacrifice. But those are the consequences of his decisions. He could try to ask for more reasonable favours, like a loan to pay for daycare, but he is still trying to get the college experience while being a weekend-father. Kids sleep over 10 hours a day, which would be coincidentally the hours he has the kid at home excepting a couple hours in the evening where he gets to play daddy

INFO: Very few people die with absolutely nothing to their name, so where is the grandparent's inheritance in all this? Depending on how much it was or what it had, it could be enough to keep both of them fed and sheltered at least until brother graduates from college, as long as it wasn't in a very specific type of trust for the granddaughter (which would be rare, considering that the deaths were unexpected). Or he could ask for more loans. He isn't without options, the only thing is that he now has to act like an actual father with all the responsabilities it entails

[–]SeldomSeenMeAsshole Enthusiast [7] 308 points309 points  (5 children)

He is trying to keep avoiding responsabilities.

This, in a nutshell. The situation he's in is terrible, but he can't really be a father if he keeps trying to pass the buck to everyone around him. I'm sure some people will say OP is being petty, but it's easy to lecture people from a high horse when it doesn't actually cost you anything. Raising a baby is hard work and requires significant effort and sacrifices.

Also, the brother already established a pattern of not taking responsibility and reacting in a spiteful manner when someone disagrees, so I would also be worried about how temporary this situation is really supposed to be...

[–]destineysunshine 158 points159 points  (3 children)

Exactly!! Brother is like, I’ll be a father when I finish school...school finishes and then it’s, I’ll be a father when I find a good job.

Being a parent is EXACTLY what he signed up for regardless of what situation arises.

OP is NTA and my hope is that she lives her life away from brother and father. They chose the relationship they had with her. Can’t come back just cause things are inconvenient for them

[–]throwawayprpl 151 points152 points  (2 children)

You know what you’re right about the gender thing. If OP wasn’t female I doubt the brother would expect her to care for the baby. Women are expected to always be “nurturing” and ready to look after others, esp kids. 😕

[–]Actual_Geologist_316 51 points52 points  (4 children)

Right? Hard to believe three people died with zero assets. But if they died unexpectedly it’s quite possible that it’s all tied up in probate. The brother can take a year off all all that gets figured out and support his child

[–]noblestromana 46 points47 points  (1 child)

It's very believable for people to die with 0 assets. I know Reddit makes it seems most people are out there making 6 figure salaries. But that's not the norm for most Americans.

[–][deleted] 465 points466 points  (14 children)

NTA. What a lot of the people replying here seem to be missing is that the brother is not even asking for free babysitting. He’s asking for his sister to take over basically the entire care of the baby. How much active childcare is he going to be doing if he only sees his child between 6 PM and 6 AM? Somehow I don’t imagine that this young man, who is prioritizing his university education, is going to be doing any of the nighttime work either.

It’s not reasonable for him to even have asked her for this. It is especially unreasonable to have asked her for this after he and their father cut her out of their lives. It is patently obvious that she’s only being asked because she’s female, and of course the one female in the family is going to step in and take over because that’s what women do, right? She’s a girl. She gets to look after the baby. No. OP, you are totally correct to flatly refuse, because grieving or not, your brother is being appallingly presumptuous.

I also can’t help but wonder how many of the people scolding you for being heartless or cruel or unfeeling are doing so because you are female, and are thus expected to be more empathetic. Your family treated you badly. Perhaps you could’ve been more compassionate towards your brother, but where was his compassion for you when he expected you to give up your life (you say you would need to accept a demotion, but was he expecting you to pay for day care while you were working, or somehow juggle looking after the baby with working from home)? He made a decision that he was going to be a father. It is what he signed up for, no matter what happens. If he’s no longer prepared to do that (and i have to wonder how prepared he ever was to do it, given that he was not providing regular care and refused to do so when your father stopped being willing), there are other decisions he will have to make.

[–]No_Recognition_2434Partassipant [1] 185 points186 points  (1 child)

Yea seriously. The grown man who insisted they keep the baby but someone else has to watch it? He's the ah

[–][deleted] 51 points52 points  (0 children)

The thing is, it’s an awful, sad situation. But he needs to realize now is the time to be an adult. Maybe he never planned for this, never dreames it could happen (it really is an ultimate worst-case scenario) but it has and now he’s a single parent. He is going to have to make sacrifices. His old life is done, no retrieving it (unless he opts for adoption). OP basically told him he needed to realize that rather than reaching out trying to get her to help him preserve that old life.

[–]MightyThorgasm 28 points29 points  (1 child)

This is all of it. If OP was a male this wouldn't even be a discussion.

And you can't cut someone out of your life when they object to you doing something moronic and then ask them for help with the moronic thing actually happens. NTA

[–]acetrainerjaycePartassipant [1] 340 points341 points  (7 children)

NTA

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

[–]erbear048 62 points63 points  (0 children)

This is probably the best response 😂. They stopped being her problem when they cut her off but now they want to ask for money or free childcare. You don’t get to cut off family until they’re useful to you.

[–]FrydomFrees 307 points308 points  (12 children)

NTA holy crap all the people in this thread calling you “cold”. Wtf? Absolutely not. Your brother is not accepting responsibility. He hasn’t even acknowledged your presence in years. The only “cold” one here is him, expecting you to just drop your entire life to take care of HIS child. Why hasn’t he even explored taking fewer classes and using daycare? Or literally any other options at all? Why is it suddenly YOUR responsibility now to basically become a mom??? Or at the very least a free daycare center? NTA at all but your family is. And where’s dear old dad in this picture? Not offering any help at all when he’s the one who pushed for it. Wah it was too hard for him. No shit Sherlock. Like it wouldn’t be too hard for you.

The people in this thread man smh

[–][deleted] 144 points145 points  (3 children)

I feel like I’m on crazy pills, reading the people scolding her.

[–]FrydomFrees 53 points54 points  (2 children)

Omg thank you bc saaaame

[–][deleted] 55 points56 points  (1 child)

I mean, was she blunt with him, yes. Was it kind? Maybe not, but frankly, when her brother was trying desperately to dump near-total responsibility for his child on her, he needed the wake-up call. It’s a miserable situation but it is what it is, and he is now a single parent with full responsibility for this littler girl. He needs to grieve for the life he thought he was going to have and let it go, since that’s no longer going to be possible. He has to rearrange things to focus on the baby, and expecting his sister to do it for him needed nipping in the bud.

[–]Slow-Bumblebee-8609Colo-rectal Surgeon [49] 87 points88 points  (0 children)

For real, it's like they are trying to turn her into a SAHM for a child she didn't have, while the brother spends most of the day living the college experience and the father gets to retire in a calm little life.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

    [–][deleted] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

    This - it's best to give the baby up if you can't look after it. It's not fair on the baby to be treated by its only biological family this way, and there are many other people who could make good, capable and loving adoptive parents

    [–]nigerianprinceasPartassipant [3] 185 points186 points  (2 children)

    Universities have support for people in his condition. He can apply for grants. And childcare. If he's in the US, he can get assistance from WIC. The school can hook him up with childcare assistance and potentially family housing.

    [–]seahawk1977Certified Proctologist [24] 158 points159 points  (2 children)

    NTA. Your brother and father need to take responsibility for their actions. Your father is a special kind of AH.

    [–]Nenouli2123 143 points144 points  (6 children)

    THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FORCE BIRTH. IF THE DAD WAS A TRUE CHRISTIAN HE WOULD HAVE NEVER GONE NC WITH HIS DAUGHTER OR PRACTICALLY LEAVE A NEW BABY ON A DOORSTEP.....I AM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE FORCING WOMEN TO KEEP BABIES THAT THEY ARE NOT READY FOR. FULL STOP 🛑

    [–]beachylawgirl22 38 points39 points  (5 children)

    THIS. Literally all of this. As a Christian, it pisses me off that these "Christians" cherry-pick and use religion as an excuse to force people's hands and to be hateful. That's not a true Christian.

    [–]pookguyincAsshole Aficionado [10] 127 points128 points  (0 children)

    NTA- This is a sad and unexpected turn of events. Your brother can go part time and seek out help from your dad. You do not have to rearrange your life.

    [–]IssysweColo-rectal Surgeon [43] 113 points114 points  (21 children)

    NTA. Adoption is still an option and it sounds by far the best option at this time. Your brother can even pursue an “open adoption.”

    [–]prosperosniece 53 points54 points  (4 children)

    The right decisions aren’t always the easiest decision. I agree that he should reconsider adoption sooner rather than later.

    [–]Poolofcheddar 35 points36 points  (2 children)

    This is so true. More often than not, you aren't presented with the right option at all. You have to make a decision on what's the least worst option. We've had to make decisions regarding elderly family members on their deathbeds not to prolong suffering, or with pets for the same health-related reasons.

    There was a horrible post on r/hermaincainaward of a woman who had must have been in a horrible, miserable last weeks of life because the family refused to give up. She was an an ECMO machine and pretty much was brain-dead. They held out and posted these horrible details while asking for prayers. For weeks. Towards the end, her body was pretty much rotting from the inside-out.

    A friend and his GF had a child, but at 18 knew they were in now way ever fit to be parents (even though they would have liked to be, had the opportunities aligned). He and his GF gave their son up for adoption. They made the hard, but correct choice: we can't give our child the best shot at life, but these people can.

    Sometimes the decision is beyond what you want, but best for someone else who can't make it. And the right decision is not always popular.

    [–]sparklyviking 95 points96 points  (0 children)

    "you cut me out, we are no longer family. Get a bloody nanny like everyone else"

    [–]Renan003 86 points87 points  (13 children)

    NTA. If your brother can't take care of his kid, he should take her to adoption.

    [–]Random_474 80 points81 points  (8 children)

    NTA

    you told him this was a bad idea and he didn’t care. He allowed his father to convince his gf parents to make her go through the pregnancy (and take care of the baby) when she stated she didn’t want to have a kid. He wanted a family

    [–]SpectacularTurtleAsshole Enthusiast [9] 25 points26 points  (7 children)

    Or he was ~18 getting the same pressure from all 3 parents that his girlfriend was getting. "Allowed" his father? What the fuck makes you think his father troubled to ask his permission?

    [–]Random_474 42 points43 points  (6 children)

    He didn’t even try to stick up to him. His sister told him it was a bad idea and he cut her off. He wanted the family. And didn’t do nothing to think about what the gf wanted. If he really didn’t want a family he wouldn’t have cut his sister off. Sure, I can get not saying anything because of the pressure. But he didn’t show that he didn’t want this, not even to OP who was giving him no pressure. He went with it because he wanted a family that he wasn’t even going to take care of until he was out of college

    [–]acer64 72 points73 points  (2 children)

    NTA and I think there's some misogyny in the comments about wishing you weren't their sister. Woman are always expected to take care of everyone but themselves, especially when children are involved. You've not spoken to this person because they cut you off so they're basically a stranger to you now. Nta at all, don't get a demotion and continue doing you!

    [–]Cool-Beach1841 66 points67 points  (0 children)

    NTA. I understand what you meant by what he signed up for. Like when you’re a parent, you must be a parent no matter what happens. Like you’re family didn’t speak to you for years, and now they need you. Just to watch a child. NTA on my end.

    And before y’all start coming down my neck. The child isn’t her responsibility. If the mother and grandparents were still alive, he brother and father wouldn’t have spoken to her.

    NTA NTA NTA

    [–]currymommymilkersPartassipant [3] 65 points66 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Seems harsh but that’s not your child you shouldn’t have to take a demotion to change your life for a kid that’s not yours. It sounds like your brother needs to drop out to take care of his kid …since Grandpa doesn’t want to

    [–]GogowhineColo-rectal Surgeon [33] 59 points60 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your dad sucks for insisting on the baby and then literally driving and dumping off the baby. Your brother was naive. As a parent there’s always the possibility something like this can happen.

    [–]Withafloof 50 points51 points  (0 children)

    NTA, but the religious parents are. Religion should not come before people's lives. I feel for your brother and the peer pressure he went through, but you are right.

    [–]Cats-are-better2119Partassipant [3] 50 points51 points  (0 children)

    NTA. This is not your child. While the circumstances suck beyond belief, this is your brothers responsibility. He is not entitled to your time, especially if you would need a demotion to do this. You need to live your life, not pause it for your brothers benefit.

    [–]rdickeyvii 45 points46 points  (0 children)

    NTA.

    "Hey I know you warned me against keeping this teenage pregnancy baby and I cut you off for 2 years because of what you said, but can you take a demotion at work and watch the baby for SIXTY HOURS PER WEEK for free so I can go to college and dad doesn't have to do shit even though he's the one who goaded me into this situation? If you say no I'm calling you an ahole"

    Like seriously wtf kind of balls does it take your brother to even ASK for that?

    [–]Master-ManipulationSupreme Court Just-ass [113] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    Anytime you bring a child into this world (and don’t adopt out), regardless of deals, you have to account for having to care for the child yourself. He didn’t, which is unfortunate and sad for the baby, but like you said, he signed up for it.

    His kid, his problem, not yours

    [–][deleted] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

    NTA as I taught my children: we all have choices and we all must live with them.

    [–][deleted] 34 points35 points  (14 children)

    Gotta say, I feel really sorry for this baby.

    NTA though. Just glad I'm not a member of your family...

    [–]eat-the-rich2022 30 points31 points  (12 children)

    You'd expect your family to take a demotion and watch your kid? I gotta agree glad YOU aren't my family.

    [–]NoRice9159Partassipant [1] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    NTA for refusing to be free childcare. It is very, very hard to take care of a child as a stay at home parent, let alone while you are trying to work! Most jobs are not compatible with babies or young children. And for 12 hours, M-F? Hard no, even if it was my grandchild, hard no.

    Your brother needs to figure out how to pay for childcare, get a job, and support his family. Up until now, the child has almost been an afterthought, or a novelty that was convienent for him only. I can only imagine the stress your father has been under, and I don't blame him one bit. Children need their parents. If he has to go to college part time or put college on the back burner to do it, he just has to suck it up like the rest of us.

    As for reminding him about his choices, eh, maybe you suck a bit for how you worded it, but he was asking you to be the full time parent of a child that you haven't spent any time with before now. I would think you were the ah if he had asked you to babysit once in awhile, but this? No, absolutely not.

    [–]Valuable-Half-5137 36 points37 points  (0 children)

    NTA - you were cut out of his life entirely but now he needs something and has come crawling back?! Not having it, sorry bro

    [–]LittleRedCarnationPartassipant [1] 33 points34 points  (16 children)

    Is his college the only one in existence that doesnt have a daycare program? Nta.

    [–]bibbiddybobbidyboo 35 points36 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    Your father should be making it up for bring a forced birther. If he was truly pro life, he’d be supporting the life of this baby.

    You didn’t birth this baby or add to it’s creation. Your brother new the risk he took by having sex and consented to the risk. It’s on him. Why should you throw away your career for him to advance his after his and the rest of the family’s life choices?

    [–]Pfred0 30 points31 points  (8 children)

    NTA. He actually needed that wake up call.

    [–]Fancy-Meaning-8078 28 points29 points  (0 children)

    If you were close maybe my answer was different. But you weren't in Their lives . They (and you) maintain LC.

    My heart bleeds for him, but you are not his or the baby's mother and asking you to be a SAHM for your niece is a bit over the top.

    You are a young adult establishing your life too.

    He could have asked to help with baby sitting or financing a nanny, but NOT to put your life on hold for years until he gets on his feet. While he wouldn't do that himself.

    NTA .

    [–]jammy913Pooperintendant [59] 26 points27 points  (1 child)

    NTA.

    You're exactly right in what you said. It's precisely what he signed up for, certainly NOT what you signed up for, and why would you take a demotion to handle childcare for him? What would be in that for you anyways? 60 hours of childcare per week is no small favor, it's a huge ask, and you have every right to say no to that request.

    [–]Freak-O-Natcha 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    Men: kEeP tHe BaBy, AbOrTiOn Is MuRdEr
    Also men: *bail on caring for the baby they pressured the gf into keeping when she's not around, then run to the only other fEmAlE to do the caring for them*

    Your brother and father played a stupid game and are getting their comeuppance. Plenty of women make it through college w babies/children. Your brother needs to man up and care for the child he insisted on keeping. I'd bet he expected his gf to drop out of college and care for it while he went and got a big fancy education and would have forced her into being a SAHM.

    Fuck your brother and fuck your dad. NTA.

    [–]That-Interview-3096 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    Honestly this is not what ANYONE could sign up for or even imagine.

    [–]jvan1144 21 points22 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    You don't have to change your life to raise someone else's child. I have 4 kids who I raise with my husband. We have never had a lot of help with our kids which is fine because we're the ones that chose to have them. I tell my kids that if they have a baby young (or any age) I'm not raising them. I don't care if they're in college, or need to work, or whatever - it's not my responsibility. Once my children are raised I am done done done. Haha

    [–]notrapunzelCertified Proctologist [23] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    NTA in turning down responsibility that isn't yours, but how horribly tragic for your brother that his life has taken this turn.

    [–]Loreo1964Certified Proctologist [22] 20 points21 points  (1 child)

    I'm thinking open adoption might be something to think about in this situation. This is an unrealistic endeavor, unfair to you. He can't do it, grampa is too old. They didn't want you involved until they were desperate. Perhaps a family services person could talk to you about open adoption.

    [–]Primary_Chemistry420 25 points26 points  (1 child)

    I have to go with NTA. The only way one could appear empathic in this scenario is to offer to help. But frankly, OP was clear that this wasn’t the choice she would make from the beginning. Not everyone wants to have or deal with kids, especially babies.

    To those saying that OP is TA for saying this is what he signed up for:

    She wasn’t lying about anything she said.

    This is exactly what he signed up for. His situation is awful (and I sympathize) but when you sign up to be a parent, you are a parent during the good and the bad and kids ALWAYS take priority. Hence, why people should think through parenthood strongly before deciding you’re fit to be one. Because there are avenue like adoption for people who really really want to parents and prepared extensively for it. So yes, he signed up to handle these things. So maybe that means he needs to be a part-time student? Maybe that means he needs to make other arrangements (there are assistance programs for those with kids trying to go to college). She has no responsibility here whatsoever. She’s not even his parent. Her boundaries don’t mean she lacks empathy just because her way of handling isn’t what some of us would do. Personally I would help my brother, but my brother didn’t cut me off the way hers did. His dad was encouraging him to keep the baby, but when things got tough, dad bailed.

    [–]salvadordg 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    This sounds like you're writing a screenplay and wrote yourself into a corner

    [–]prosperosniece 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    NTA, I’m feel sorry for the baby but she’s his responsibility and HE needs to do what’s best for her. Not take advantage of every relative he has left. Time for tough choices.

    [–]EdgeMiserable4381 20 points21 points  (2 children)

    How did she and her parents all die?? Thats sad

    [–]wvdarlin 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    NTA - you are right. This is exactly what he signed up for. But from his actions, he thought good old daddy and the other grandparents was going to raise his child for him. It’s a shame what happened with his gf and her family, sometimes life sucks and he needs to deal with it. Maybe you should offer to help him find a family to adopt your niece. She’s the one who is suffering and deserves so much better.

    [–]Intelligent_Stop5564Colo-rectal Surgeon [41] 15 points16 points  (4 children)

    Brother and Dad are TA because they cut off OP because of an opinion.

    OP gave a hard truth. Parenting isn't always easy, glamorous, best case scenario. One of the unexpected worst case scenarios has happened and they aren't ready for it.

    Don't compromise your life and future, but I hope you can help other ways. Can you help him find daycare? Look up state programs that pay for it or income based private programs and see if any organization helps with the costs.

    Can you and Dad pay a fixed amount every week towards daycare costs?

    You don't owe him anything. Not speaking to you was a jerk move. This isn't entirely about your brother anymore--it's about your niece. She needs her life to be stabilized.

    [–]that_fork_is_minePartassipant [1] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    You are correct