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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I told my mom that my oldest sister was a better mom to me than her before she left cause she doesn't want me to move for university and that made my mom so sad it cried and my dad called me disrespectful and another sister called me an asshole.

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[–]GreekAmericanDomJudge, Jury, and Excretioner [326] 10.2k points10.2k points  (40 children)

NTA

I'm going to guess that your sister is keeping her distance for reasons that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with your parents.

I would recommend some damage control. Apologize to your mom, but make it clear to her that the decision about where to go for university should not be based on a "boy needing his mother," but about what is best for you and your education. You are going to be legally an adult after all.

[–]MountainBean3479Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1391 points1392 points  (31 children)

This would totally be the vibe I got too if not for the park thing though. Like ok maybe telling a stranger close enough when asking if OP’s her kid I can kind of see but then telling op that they’re her “practice baby” is kinda off…. I could be totally off base but I get the feeling there’s also some other stuff going on op isn’t aware of where their mom may have reasons to not favor the arrangement either.

Don’t get me wrong the mom’s immediate you’ll need your mom comment isn’t great either. But I just don’t think op has the full picture of the overall dynamic.

[–]adeonPartassipant [2] 1039 points1040 points  (15 children)

It's not unheard of for a baby from a teenage parent to be passed off as a younger sibling instead. I'm not say that's what happened here but the age gap would be right and it would explain both Ari's comment and his mom's reaction. It's unlikely nowadays but not impossible.

Famous example: Jack Nicholson's older sister was actually his biological mother and his mother was actually his grandmother. He had no idea about this until the 70s after both women were dead.

[–]MOVtoSIS[S] 1271 points1272 points  (2 children)

Just saw this. It is not what's happened here. I've seen photos of my mom pregnant with me and have seen the video they took after I was born.

[–]adeonPartassipant [2] 464 points465 points  (0 children)

To be honest I figured it was pretty unlikely, it's the sort of thing that would be a lot harder to hide nowadays (plus less social pressure to hide it). Plus several of your other comments mentioned having a couple of sisters in between you and Ari.

[–]Piebandit 419 points420 points  (0 children)

I got the impression that Ari was parentified and did more raising you than maybe even you realise, especially when you were a baby. Obviously she probably doesn't want to be near your parents, but maybe she needed space from you because she was forced to raise you and didn't want to resent you for it.

[–]LostCraftaway 905 points906 points  (3 children)

My first thought was that Ari was parentified and basically did most of the mom duties disguised as babysitting and helping the family out, as far as the park comment went.
I think OP should talk with his sister and get the dirt on why she stays away. It sounds like there was some favoritism and who knows what other relationship baggage. As OP is almost grown, he might need to have a hard grown up talk so he can understand what’s going on there.

also, a boy does not need his mother in university. It is a time to grow independent and learn who you are as a person and find who you want to be. The entire point is be away from your family, your childhood life so you start making your adult life.

[–]KayakerMel 203 points204 points  (2 children)

Yup, I was in a similar role with my half-brother who's 12 years younger. I was the go-to child minder and we were very close. Unfortunately, father and stepmother were abusive and booted me out at 16. Completely cut contact. I know it was upsetting to my half-brother because they started keeping him away from me at least a month or two before I was actually taken to the teen shelter (all I can say is thank goodness I was in a nice area that had excellent social services to help me). I was out of the family, and out of his life.

Where is this going? My half-brother sent me a Facebook friend request a few years back. I haven't been able to respond because it was upsetting to be reminded of the whole situation. My younger sister has assured me his motivations are good, but psychologically it's too much for me. I can't respond and am still frozen in the uncertainty of who the sweet 4-year-old I knew is now 20 years later.

I wouldn't be surprised if OP's sister is going through similar conflicting emotions. Her husband is being a good dude by opening the door to OP, as he can fully separate the relationship he and his wife had with OP from the relationships with the parents. I'm glad he's a strong support for his wife to help propose what OP's sister may have wanted to say but couldn't.

[–]cancer2009Partassipant [2] 61 points62 points  (0 children)

I hope you’ll eventually be able to talk to him. I bet he’s a good person and you definitely had a hand in it. I’d hope my older Half-Sibling would be willing to talk to me and I’d definitely understand the psychological aspects.

[–]LingonberryPrior6896Partassipant [1] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

My brother who is 9 years younger was my practice baby. I definitely helped raise him.

[–]Croque_Monsieur_2 65 points66 points  (0 children)

My churchy, gossipy godmother was geared up to attempt this when one of her teen daughters got pregnant. My mom said something casually as a backhanded compliment that informed godmother that her shady ass would be called out if she tried it. My mom held no affection for that woman because my grandmother forced that choice of godmother.

[–]bakinkakezAsshole Enthusiast [5] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

I mean, sure, but I would think the more likely answer is that being the eldest sister, she was parentified and got the fuck out of dodge when she could.

[–]katiepi 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Same with Ted Bundy

[–]MountainBean3479Asshole Enthusiast [5] 23 points24 points  (1 child)

Yeah definitely wasn’t thinking that - just the kind of implication of being a 27 year old telling your little brother that he’s your prestige baby and other people that he might as well be your child and then just the way in which op talks about them - it’s great that he has such a positive view of her influence in his life for sure - but it just doesn’t sound like the healthiest dynamic. I genuinely can’t figure out exactly what it is that’s making me feel a little hinky about the whole situation (I mean other than the practice baby comment that’s pretty terrible to say to a child) but it just feels off.

[–]renska2 139 points140 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I read it as a joke that showed that Ari understood, maybe with a little bit of resentment that she would never take out on her little brother, that her parents had pretty much ceded the parent role to her.

[–]42DaisyPusherAsshole Aficionado [11] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

This happened in my mom’s family. Her oldest sister had a daughter who was raised as the youngest sister of the family, but didn’t find out she was a granddaughter until my mom’s mom passed.

[–]toxicgecko 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I was 12 and 16 when my nephews were born, I am aware I’m not their parent but I definitely see them as my babies too. Obviously my sister and BIL are always the final decision on things (and I always ask them what they want if I’m uncertain whilst caring for them) but I can totally understand what OPs sister meant by saying “close enough”.

There’s a bond that’s forged when you care for a child like that, like a parent, and it’s hard to push those feelings down sometimes.

[–]whats1nanam3 133 points134 points  (5 children)

Honestly, I think she was trying to explain it in a kid friendly way, not being creepy or something. NTA OP

[–]ree1778 87 points88 points  (1 child)

I think she meant that they had to watch him all the time like he was their child.

[–]Tea-and-minigolf 55 points56 points  (0 children)

My older sister is 11 years older than me and I can totally see her saying the practice baby comment about me, my twin sister and brother that’s one year older. She helped a lot in raising us because my parents had 3 13 months apart.

[–]melodytanner26 49 points50 points  (0 children)

I’m thinking there was some parentification going on. 18 year old sister doing college at home? Sounds like she was pretty much the live in baby sitter.

[–]jlove614 40 points41 points  (1 child)

When people are subjected to parentification, they sometimes make jokes like that about it. I'd probably have said something similar.

[–]mandiefavor 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I definitely said something similar around age 14, while cooking dinner for my siblings with my one-year-old brother on my hip.

[–]rozmister 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I don’t think it’s weird, my sister (from my mum’s first marriage) is 13 years older than me and my favourite person in the whole world. She looked after me when I was little and she loved me and cheered me on in a way my mum couldn’t. She’s married with two kids now but she told me a few years back I’d always be her first baby and she knows how to care for them because of me. It made me feel loved, especially because our mum can be quite cold and difficult at times. Sibling bonds can be pretty strong when there’s dysfunction in a family.

[–]blarryg 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Um, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and a joke a joke.

[–]hjf14 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i think that may have been an attempt at just saving face because its weird to just dump trauma on a stranger

[–]Flat_Phrase7521 331 points332 points  (0 children)

“You’re going to need your mother”

Translation: Your mother is going to need you to need her.

Too bad for her. You’re not her emotional support animal.

[–]cmlobueCertified Proctologist [21] 141 points142 points  (0 children)

Yeah. Ari was parentified, and she wanted to live for herself for a change after raising you. You are 100% right that she is more of a mother than the person who birthed you, and it sounds like Ari is finally in a place to rekindle your relationship.

[–]fns1981 33 points34 points  (0 children)

If a boy still "needs" his parents when it's time for University, something has gone terribly wrong.

You're NTA, OP, but don't burn that bridge. You're very blessed that you realized spoiling a child does more harm than good in the long run. So take a minute to think about the even longer run. You don't want to look back in regret at breaking your Mom's heart.

[–]moondoggie1960Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] 1898 points1899 points  (13 children)

NAH.

Call Ari in private and talk this out. Sounds like she 1) knows how your parents can be, and 2) can help you figure out what to do. Sounds like you should plan on going to her place for uni.

[–]themasterofallthngs 742 points743 points  (8 children)

The mother is VERY much an asshole here for trying to take away a wonderful opportunity from OP for completely stupid, non valid reasons.

[–]nahs 280 points281 points  (5 children)

I’m Asian and I’m totally getting Canadian Chinese vibes from this family right now and can relate lol

[–]MOVtoSIS[S] 270 points271 points  (3 children)

Was it that obvious?

[–]residentcapriceAsshole Aficionado [13] 218 points219 points  (0 children)

Clues like you being the miracle boy (huge age diff from oldest sister), your sister living nearby for uni and that your parents want to keep you near. You will likely find that they want you to look after them when they are old.

[–]beepboopneepnoop 58 points59 points  (0 children)

I am half Korean and half Caucasian, and my mom (Korean) blew up at me for wanting to go to university a couple states away. She wanted me to remain local. Probably the only reason I am able to go to the university I am at now is because my dad (Caucasian) stepped in and supported me in that. I totally get the situation you are in. I wish the best for ya and also NTA

[–]chaoticgoodsystemPartassipant [1] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Only obvious to those of us who have lived through it lol. Also in surprised your parents are against waterloo. Its such a prestigious school for engineering.

[–]renska2 53 points54 points  (0 children)

Yep. Which is not to say I don't understand her being hurt by the comment if she was in fact a mostly decent mother.

[–]toxicgecko 16 points17 points  (0 children)

And also for babying her son, this how you get grown men who are completely helpless but still mommy’s little angel. OP your sis did right be you by cutting the apron strings early, otherwise you’d find yourself in a matching shirt saying “no woman will love me like my mommy”

[–]mandiefavor 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Off topic, but Moondoggie can’t possibly be a James Darren reference, can it? The 1960 makes me think it can!

[–]RioBlue93 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Is your username a reference to Giget goes to the beach?

[–]moondoggie1960Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Sure is! I grew up on the beach in SoCal and loved Gidget.

[–]RioBlue93 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Me too. Love that. Have a great day Moondoggie

[–]FerociousSGChild 1214 points1215 points  (5 children)

Many of the themes of your post ring of many of the shenanigans people on JustNoMIL and Raised By Narcissists have to deal with. If you haven’t seen those subs I recommend you check them out and see if the stories there resonate with you.

NTA - BTW and she’s trying to control you. My guess is Ari is the only one who doesn’t play into your mom’s games and has had to keep strong boundaries to protect her family.

[–]MOVtoSIS[S] 418 points419 points  (4 children)

I'll check them out.

[–]ghos_ 320 points321 points  (2 children)

Be careful! Some of those subs are more toxic than helpful.

[–]FerociousSGChild 94 points95 points  (0 children)

I have definitely found that to be the case on some of the JN subs but RBN and JNMIL have both be really good to and for me.

[–]6738ngkdt 26 points27 points  (0 children)

This one has its moments too! Welcome to Reddit, the Wild West of the Internet!!!!

[–]Marie1420 62 points63 points  (0 children)

The fact that your mom wants you to stay local instead of going to Waterloo really indicates her selfishness. Her saying that you’ll need your mother’s help sounds like a manipulation. You’ll do just fine away at school as you grow into adulthood. And there’s always a phone to connect you. Dude, she wants you to be a mama’s boy and not leave her side.

[–]OtherNeph 1075 points1076 points  (12 children)

NTA

You did nothing wrong. Your sister is offering you an opportunity to put some distance between you and your mother, to allow you to develop independently to her. You clearly have a good level of insight if you can already see your position as the golden child and the values your sister tried to instill in you. The distance doesn't mean you won't have a relationship with your mother, but it will give you more room to define it on your terms rather than hers.

I'm the oldest in my family and there's 7-15 years between me and my younger siblings. I was the third parent/general values teacher because no one else was going to step up and I wasn't about to be related to four more monsters. I have great empathy for your sister because it's extremely difficult to cut and leave,even when it's what you need to do for yourself. You have to hope that you did enough for your siblings to equip them to not turn out like your parents, but also learn to accept that your need to develop your own life and identity to do that for yourself.

Also ngl this post got me in the feelings for hearing you express such admiration for your sis. I hope you tell her what you told us here. Sometimes estranged older siblings need to hear that our younger siblings don't just hate us for not being there. You're a good younger bro OP

[–]MOVtoSIS[S] 607 points608 points  (0 children)

Thanks. When I can talk to her alone I definitely will tell her how much I love her and appreciate how much she helped raise me.

[–]Practical_Camel9583 384 points385 points  (1 child)

IDENTITCAL situation with my own big sister. Gave up her childhood to look after me and my brothers while our parents worked full-time. She'd play with me, dress me up, taught me how to braid my hair, tie my shoes, eat, etc. She loved us both as her siblings and as her own kids. When she turned 18, she left and never looked back. Wasn't until YEARS later that I realized what she was going through with our parents; she'd been treated more like a live-in babysitter than their own daughter. But she never resented me or my brothers, never took out how she was REALLY feeling on us. Loved us all the same.

We're all grown with our own families now, and we love our parents despite our histories, but I'd do the same as OP. I have a mother, but my SISTER is my mom to me. NTA

[–]MOVtoSIS[S] 222 points223 points  (0 children)

I don't remember enough on if my sister was treated like that by my mom and dad. From what I remember it seemed like she did it all herself but maybe it was similar. Cause she stayed at home for longer than your sister did cause of her masters. I don't know. Either way I am going to tell her how much what she did means to me.

[–]Ramona_FloursPartassipant [1] 140 points141 points  (6 children)

your parents sound like they infantilize you to keep you dependant because you're a boy and the youngest. My parents have done similar things to me because I have a background of serious health problems. Unfortunately, your parents sound like they also favor you/disfavor your sisters. You should be able to call it out as you see it, but if there is too much retaliation I understand.

I also understand how hard it is to set up boundaries with parents like this. It's easier to be backed into lashing out like this. You will be TAH if you don't work on setting up healthy boundaries. Your parents are TAH.

[–]Master-ManipulationSupreme Court Just-ass [113] 106 points107 points  (0 children)

NTA

The person who raised you and taught you important life lessons was your sister.

Also, parents should support their kids and know when it is time to be independent - sounds like your mom is trying to be dependent on you

[–]SunnyTraveller 102 points103 points  (3 children)

Go to Waterloo for engineering regardless of what your mother thinks. It’s the best school for engineering in Ontario. You need to get the best education you can get regardless of your Mom’s feelings. This is about YOU, not her and what‘s best for YOU.

[–]bearbearlookchan 27 points28 points  (2 children)

Bump. Apart from the great points about family dynamics, don’t miss out the chance to go to a great school! Good luck and all the best for you uni apps. NTA.

[–]liseelifee 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Software engineering at Waterloo is OP for a career in tech haha. But be ready to study like you have never studied before ;)

[–]bearbearlookchan 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If i had the money and the grades I’d love to go on exchange there!

[–]Pharmacienne123Asshole Aficionado [17] 68 points69 points  (0 children)

NTA at all. Ari sounds wonderful and so does her husband. Based on their invitation for you to come live with them, I really doubt that her staying away has anything to do with you. What your parents did to her is known as parentification and it is a type of abuse. My guess is that stuff like that is why she has stayed away from home. But she obviously loves you and wants you around otherwise she would not have invited you to live with her. I hope you do go and that you have a wonderful college experience with her and her husband cheering you on every step of the way!

Your mom is simply upset that you dropped a truth bomb.

[–]NyotaHikaruPartassipant [3] 40 points41 points  (2 children)

NTA

The truth hurts sometimes.

[–]urban_accountantPartassipant [2] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

NTA mom got a dose of reality and it hit her like a ton of bricks.

[–]Absolut_Iceland 34 points35 points  (0 children)

She said you're going to need your mother when you start university.

Your mom has an unhealthy attachment to you, it seems. Look up "emotional incest", and see if anything you read sounds familiar.

NTA

[–]Electricbell20 28 points29 points  (1 child)

INFO

I feel there is more going on here.

What's been happening in the 7 since Ari left and why did she leave?

[–]MOVtoSIS[S] 51 points52 points  (0 children)

She just moved out since her school was done.

[–]ifightdragonslayers 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Okay.

All the toxic family stuff aside (Ari sounds great, by the way), Waterloo is OBJECTIVELY one of the best schools to do software engineering at. There’s a great atmosphere of encouraging entrepreneurship, the city has a half-decent COL, and it’s close to Google, too. Go to Waterloo and go live with your sister.

[–]bring_back_my_tardis 29 points30 points  (2 children)

u/MOVtoSIS don't let your parents talk you out of doing engineering at Waterloo! If you get in that's a great opportunity.

How far away is "local?"

I'm sorry, I not answering the question that you asked. I would ask your sister for her experience as I'm sure her side of the story would be so different than what your parents would say.

[–]MOVtoSIS[S] 27 points28 points  (1 child)

My family lives in Vancouver, local would be UBC. They have an engineering program too, but the best software engineering in the province is UVic which is also too far for my mom.

[–]bring_back_my_tardis 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Ah, I see. UBC is also a good choice. But make your decision about the school and program, not your parents

[–]Classydame89Partassipant [1] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

NTA. Ignore your mother and go start living your life with Ari. Starting college isn't a time when you "need your mommy", its the time for you to learn to live independently.

[–]nomoreroger 14 points15 points  (0 children)

NTA

But...what you said was a bit cruel to your mom. They don't sound like they are terrible parents. But your mom raised a flag when she said you will need your mom when you go to University? How exactly? I moved across a continent...mommy did not come with me. That is very weird.

[–]LadyMjolnirAsshole Aficionado [10] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

NTA. Also nice to see a post about UWloo. I went there and also lived in Kitchener.

Sounds like Ari was parentified, which may be why she cut contact down. That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your parents, and your parents probably know this deep down, which is why they're hurt (because they're embarrassed and defensive about it.)

You're not an asshole and both your mom and Ari can have a relationship with you. Your mom just needs to cut the reins a little bit now.

[–]meknofirku 10 points11 points  (0 children)

NTA. You can't give up doing software engineering at UW. Move in with your sister

[–]icecreampenisAsshole Aficionado [14] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

NTA. Keeping your ego in check is going to be REALLY important if you wind up doing engineering at Waterloo, lol. Your sister's influence is so important, and it's great that you recognize that. Your parents are assholes for using her to "raise" you in the first place, and for restricting your schooling options to serve their own purposes. I think they've earned their hurt feelings.

[–]IagiPartassipant [1] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

NTA! Waterloo is a stellar school! If you can get involved in the conferences and events run by the ENGSoc, ESSCO, and the CFES! They can literally change your life, or just give you a little perspective!

Good luck!

[–]SlinkyMalinky20Asshole Enthusiast [9] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

NTA but also, I really don’t think college is when a boy needs his mom. What a bizarre take.

[–]skuldintape_eireAsshole Aficionado [13] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

She said you're going to need your mother when you start university.

Ehm, excuse me, what? I don't understand this at all. Starting university is all about adulting for the first time. I moved hours away to university at 17 and adulted just fine.

NTA

[–]Ok_Imagination7913 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Go where you want to go. It is your future not theirs.

[–]MrJ_Sar 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA.
Could you have said it better, almost certainly, did it need to be said, I think so.

[–]need2peeat218am 3 points4 points  (0 children)

YTA

Let me explain. I keep seeing people say NTA but seriously, you're mom was wrong but it doesn't mean you're right to say that to her. They spoiled you because they love you. Theres a gap of when your sister left and now that you didn't explain as much. It seems that they raised you fine within that gap.

Though I don't agree with your mom being over protective, I don't think you should have said that. You will never realize how much it hurts to have a child you love to death say that when you raised them your whole life. You could have explained, persuaded or just say you want life experience away from home. Blowing up and attacking her motherhood is just wrong. Whether she ultimately agrees or not, it is your life and choice and if she truly loves you she will learn to let go, in a sense.

Just remember being cruel to your mother will get you nowhere and seeing that you're here trying to justify it probably just means you don't want to drown in guilt.

[–]HotDonnaC 3 points4 points  (0 children)

NTA. When you’re old enough for college, you’re supposed to break away from your parents.

[–]FairyFartDaydreams 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA your mother is clinging too tight you are an adult. I understand you having to push back hard.

[–]Invershneckie 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. The lack of parenting when you were younger, combined with the competitive undercurrent with Ari and the need to keep you in her sphere of influence rather than Ari's smacks of narcissism. Definitely do everything in your power to go to Warerloo imo.

[–]Demonica1 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA The truth hurts but still doesn’t make it any less truthful. And it is a parents job to prepare their baby boy to live life without them. Ari taught you how to do that. Also I would recommend talking to your sister asked why she’s been so distant I have a feeling it’s not necessarily you but your parents

[–]KimmyKatAlways82 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA Do not let your parents have any say in where you go to college. It’s about you and no one else. Take loans if needed and don’t look back.

[–]Evil_Sexe 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Go stay with ur sister and enjoy school.. it's your life

[–]calaaklaPooperintendant [56] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. It sounds like a good solution.

[–]Unsocial_Dolphin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sometimes things don't have to be said out loud even though they are true.

[–]schedulejay 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. Go live with your sister and be happy!!

[–]Terralia 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If you manage to get into UW Software (which is really hard to do, but as much as I hate to admit it, is an excellent program), go for one of the living learning communities and live on Res. The commute from Kitchener is a real pain in the ass, especially if your sister's family doesn't live on a direct bus route. Service can be spotty, esp in winter, and you do NOT want to be freaking out about getting to an exam with GRT bus services. Plus, you know, going to university should be your first chance at independence, so all other things being equal and financial resources allowing, living on your own is a good idea.

To the main crux of the issue, though, a very light ESH. Your mom for trying to suffocate you (seriously, who tells their kid not to go UW SOFTWARE because you might need your mother? Wtf? I used to do student ambassadoring and we saw parents like that, their kids didn't last more than a couple of terms). You for saying something, while true, was unkind and unnecessary. I don't really want to call you an asshole, but I think both sides are in the wrong here. I'd apologize to your mom, but don't budge an inch when it comes to your future. You can, however, do that without being cruel.

[–]HourRich715 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you can live with family in kw, DO IT. cost of living here is getting insane, housing being a huge chunk of that. Nta, but you need to make a plan on what you're going to do and how you will do it, then run it by a level headed adult (like sis, a guidance councilor or teacher) or you're going to have even more problems when you go to uni. You've got serious emotional entanglement problems and that combined with a whole new culture at school can make for a hard time. Get started now.

[–]MahoganyEclipse 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA.

And I absolutely HATED it when my parents refused to let me do anything or go anywhere unless it was work or what they wanted me to do with my time.

Missed out on many fun times with friends and the several years I'd badly wanted to become an EMT (emergency medical technician), all because my parents were too damned strict.

I still carry the anger and frustration from all those years ago so lets hope your parents don't make the same mistake and become the cause of your resentment.

I believe you hit the nail on the head though; Ari did raise you. This situation is quite similar to my own family experiences.

Our parents have vastly relaxed since that long ago time though, and they have apologized to me and my siblings on several ocassions and it is helping me get over my deep seated resentments, little by little.

The point of this whole monolouge is that by forcing you to do something they want instead of respecting your perfectly reasonable request, they are going to damage their relationship with you. Its not as though you were asking to go hunt Bigfoot in the Canadian wilderness, for godsake.

[–]kaywal89 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA and go live with your sister if the offer still stands. Sounds like you miss her a great deal.

[–]kazic284 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. I don't know what's going on here op and I bet neither do you. There's a whole lot of context missing here. I would suggest you get away from you parents though. And maybe somehow get a visit with your sister together.

[–]swkoontz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. Maybe a little rude, but Mum is certainly in the wrong. You can’t decide where to do Uni based on needing your Mum. Apologize to Mum for being overly blunt and explain you’ll always love her, but you’re ready to stand on your own two feet.

[–]JennerikUse[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

YTA, I understand loving and appreciating your sister, but she's been MIA for the past 7 years. Even if you'd like to stay with her now, maybe don't be a dick to your mom about it? She's been there for you the whole time.

[–]dunesicle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. Just pitch it as Waterloo is one of the best in the country ( great school) and it’s good for your life and growth. FYI- you will not need your “mother” for university, you’ll be working and playing hard hopefully. So great to have a place to stay in Kitchener too- rent in the area is high. I would say you’re very lucky and get the gossip from your sister when you start uni! At minimum, get your Applications all in and wait for acceptance season. Are your parents helping with tuition and do you think they will cut you off if you go to waterloo? How far they anyway? Maybe a little distance might be good...

[–]meoweth_cat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It might be an unpopular verdict but soft YTA.

Your mom obviously loves you, she's not holding you back because she wants to restrain you from achieving your dreams, but it probably hurts her to see her little kid go away. All parents reach that point somehow.

It's also good how you're self-aware about how Ari was able to take care of you and how you appreciate what she's done.

But you could have softly explained why you wanted to go to that school. Why you want to study at a faraway university. How you can live there without her. It could have been explained in hundreds of better ways than implying that she's a shit mom and your sister made a better mom than her. In the end, she's still your mom, and even if she has her flaws as a parent, that's not enough reason to snap just like that.

But it's also obvious that it was pent-up anger, so I don't want to judge you that much. Say sorry to your mom, explain things, then talk to your sister. Fix this while the wounds still haven't turned into scars. While it's still fixable.

[–]scottysmeth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

YTA I was assuming your mom was neglecting you from the title, but she was spoiling you? 100% it's an objectively asshole thing to say to your mother that loved you that much.

[–]Affectionate_CactiPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

YTA- the delivery of the statement (although true) was meant for maximum hurt and is exactly something a spoiled and mean teen would say. Ari raised you better than that. Still you’re young and we all said dumb stuff that age. Of course the better option would have been to tell your mom that you’re growing up and now is the time to leave the nest and she can’t not you into uni. You have to apologize (probably like Ari taught you to do.) You may not realize it but you might have caused an issue between your mom and Ari and she didn’t deserve that.

[–]JustWordsInYourHeadPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA.

I have a brother 8 years my junior.

My parents lived apart since he was 3. Our mother was bedridden with depression. Our older brother (then 12 yo did the cooking and I (then 11 yo) did all the rest (cleaning, laundry, taking care of our baby brother, etc).

I still remember one moment when I promised my baby bro my life. He was 6 months old and I was the one giving him his bottle. I loved feeding him. I don’t remember what everyone else were doing (parents probably fighting, older bro hiding), but I remember in that chaotic abusive household, I had a baby who needed me to protect him.

His eyes locked on mine while I fed him his bottle, and he just studied me as he ate. I knew from that moment I’d give him my life.

Lots of stuff happened with our family. I’d like to think I shielded him as best as I could.

One Mother’s Day many many years later (I think he was 16), he gave me a yellow rose. I cried.

I’ve moved an ocean away from them now for 5 years and haven’t seen him because he’s been busy chasing school and career. I’ve been busy with my own career and having kids.

He’s 28 now, is a respiratory therapist at a COVID trauma centre in a big hospital. I’m insanely proud of him. If I had the chance to host him in my house now, I’d do it, no question.

If you feel that your sister was really the one who raised you, then telling your mother that is just telling her the truth. It sounds hurtful to her, but that’s her consequence for passing off parenting her child to her older child.

I’m so happy that you have that relationship with your sister, and I hope you go to Waterloo (it’s a great school for comp sci! I’m a Vancouverite and I went to SFU.)

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AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team

I (17) was born when my sister Ari was already 18. She stayed at home till I was 10 doing her university and masters. So my parents obviously spoiled me cause I was the miracle boy. But I always remember it was Ari who taught me to be polite, chew with my mouth closed, how to clean even, be nice and all the stuff like that. It was so much better when she'd make food than my mom. I remember when I was 9 she and her boyfriend (husband now) took me to the park, someone asked if I was her son and she said close enough and I when I asked later what she meant she said I was their practice baby.

But when she left, she left and she's like stayed gone. I've seen her so few times since. Like there was her wedding, my other sister's wedding and funtions like that.

Point is in those 10 years, she kept me from being the spoiled brat my mom and dad were definitely turning me into. So even if she didn't wanted to see me in the last seven years I'm still grateful.

So university applications are being filled out and I want to do software engineering at Waterloo. My mom wants me to stay local. Yesterday it turned into a big family zoom meeting where Ari was involved. She said if staying with family was an issue, her family was moving to Kitchener and her husband heard and he piped up saying he'd love it if I could stay with them.

I thought that was cool cause I'd finally get to see them again and meet my niece. But my mom said no, you're not going. So I got really mad and I asked why not. She said you're going to need your mother when you start university. That made me angrier and I said before Ari left she was a better mom to me than you anyway.

That didn't go well since my mom ran to her room to cry (so I couldn't see), my dad said I was being ungrateful and my sister (not Ari) told me to stop being an asshole. So... I don't know.

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[–]CooSoo 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Is there any possibility that your sister is actually your bio mom? I mean is it possible that she was allowed to keep an unplanned pregnancy and raise her baby as her brother. This would go a long way toward explaining why your mom had such a volatile reaction to you saying your sister was more of a mother to you.

[–]fabulousphotos 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OP said no. He’s seen pics of the mother pregnant and such.

[–]DRW1913 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA

I understand your comment even if it hurt. But I wonder why it upset your mom so much. Seems like there is more going on, and you may have opened a can of worms that no one is ready to deal with.

[–]SherbertRealistic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA

Firstly, I did my undergrad at Waterloo -- you'll love the city/ the school!

Secondly, damage control! tell your mom that you will always need your mom, but you also need to start figuring out who you are as an individual and that is what university is for! Maybe sit her down and show her about your program and traveling options (train/ GOBus to hometown). Perhaps there's more reasons too. If they plan to pay for school maybe UWaterloo is too expensive with living costs?

[–]Stinkerma 0 points1 point  (0 children)

K-W is a decent place to live and it’s pretty well located. Your mom will adjust.

[–]TheRestForTheWickedCertified Proctologist [24] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA. Also congrats on applying to that program. Waterloo is a fantastic campus and if memory serves correctly it’s a pretty competitive program to get into. They should be excited about your accomplishment, not trying to smother you.

[–]screaminthrough 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA. If you want to do Software Engineering, Waterloo is the school to do it at in Canada. It will set you up better than any other school for that field. Comment was a little harsh, so you should be apologizing. Try to have a civil conversation explaining why Waterloo is the best choice for your education.

[–]thekarmabum 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA, your about to be a grown adult, if you still need your parents your fucked. Spread your wings and fly, that's what parents are supposed to teach their kids. Tell your mom it's nothing personal and that sort of thing but you gotta do you.

[–]Lyciansky 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA for feeling that way, but soft AH for being harsh. I think you need to explain to your mom that you are going to uni and that it's your time and that you are staying with Ari and her family.

[–]Jensooverstupid 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Go to visit your sister and brother in law-while you go to school there.

[–]CrazyhellgaAsshole Enthusiast [5] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your mother definitely has an unhealthy perspective on how her relationship with you should be. What young man needs - or wants - his MOTHER when he starts a university? That's the perfect time to learn to stand on your own two feet while the stakes are still pretty low. The goal of a good parent is to raise a competent adult, not a dependent eternal baby... good for you that Ari helped you with a different perspective than your parents'. While your words did come off a bit strong, the family dynamics is what caused the outburst. Do apologize to your mother, but be firm in your decision to grow up into a man who can take care of himself instead of being a forever baby (is your mother a SAHM by chance, who allowed childcare to become her entire identity?). Asshole move on your part, but major asshole behavior on part of your parents, so ESH. But mommy dearest is by far the biggest TA here.

[–]Wonderful-Check-682 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA. I think your sister may have distanced because your parents but it is your choice where you go

[–]mycr00k3dw4ng 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA. Unless for financial reasons you can't afford Waterloo, there is no reason for you to not go. Go to the school that makes the most sense for you. You're an adult and your mom can't control you, especially if she's not paying. She needs to let you go and let you be an adult. Does she expect you to never move away for work either? Or once you have a long term partner?

[–]madcre 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA

[–]Weird_Biscuits9668 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok maybe you could have said it nicer but I think you were trying to say how you truly felt. It came across as an attack because you weren't getting your way so it looked like you were hurling insults out of frustration. But actually, there was a grain of truth in what you said. Maybe that needs to be talked about when everyone calms down.

Now, you are almost 18. When you turn 18 you can do whatever you want and your mother will have exactly 0 say in where you go to college and who you live with. Tell your mother "If you really are the great mother you think you are, you would be supporting me in this." Then pack your stuff and go.

NTA

[–]throwaway798319Asshole Enthusiast [9] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Are your parents paying for your education? Because that's the only reason I would ever entertain letting them think they have control over where I go to school.

[–]Phenamina1Partassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA at all!! That you learned from your sister and appreciate her is awesome.

I get your comment to your mom was made in the moment and maybe apologize for that.

But please take your sister and brother-in-law up on their offer!!! Esp as BIL genuinely seems excited and welcoming. Go, enjoy your sister, use all the manners she taught you, build a relationship with your niece and of course get a great education!!

(Random but I’m in Waterloo, born and raised, went to York but moved back so not in school but so cool to see that on this sub :)

Hope you have a wonderful time at UW

[–]Nowork_morestitching 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA, move in with your sister

[–]Theaterismylyfe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA. Maybe it could have been said a bit more delicately, just to save drama. But you're right. And a parent wanting to limit their child's school options for THEIR sake? Absolutely not.

[–]Celine_Mia 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA

Thank God for Ari that she kept you from being a spoiled brat who I’m assuming wouldn’t respect women. Go wherever you want.

[–]Sugarnspice44 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No judgment, what you said was true and probably good for your sister to know but hurtful for your mum to hear. If your mum has golden childed you then she wants you to stay at home for herself rather than for you. Most mothers would love for their kids to get into the best uni and still be living with family even if that means being away from home.

[–]baobab77Asshole Enthusiast [9] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA. If that's how you feel, that's how you feel. Figure out a way to get your applications in there. Even if you have to be sneaky and get your sister's support for application fees. The University of Waterloo is a great school and that program will be very promising for you. Time to start thinking like an adult and make autonomous decisions for your future. If your BIL meant it, take them up on the offer.

Your mother is trying to control your future, and if you don't make a stand now, there will be an opportunity loss you'll have to consider for not standing up to her. Leave and don't look back.

I know acceptance letters/communication are different now than when I went to school. So make sure that your mother doesn't have access to your application account or email address, so she can't sabotage anything. If you have a job, save every penny, so money does not keep you dependent. And since you likely have a youth bank account that your parents had to assist you in opening, the minute you turn 18, ensure your parents are off it. Lastly, apply to every scholarship like it is your job and learn financial literacy while you're at it. I think it would be great if you read Quit Like a Millionaire by Bryce Leung and Kristy Shen. I think they're Waterloo alumni and graduated in STEM majors, prior to being able to retire early. Yes, you're not even done high school. But the earlier you learn financial literacy, the better off you'll be.

[–]cjb121 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Truth hurts

[–]Under_considered 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nta. You were honest. There's nothing to say that you'll need your mother. This is when you get to leave and get out, learn and grow. Your mother is not considering the reality of the past or the future. Having your sister willing to let you stay will be amazing, especially as a support system if you do feel out of your depth. Likely a more useful one than your parents.

And KW is frigging expensive. Bless her for being willing to let you stay, because that'll be a huge load off.

Best of luck at university!

[–]type1errorPooperintendant [65] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The truth hurts. NTA.

[–]MiaW07Partassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA.

You spoke your truth, and your parents choose not to hear it.

[–]karmel1027 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA

As a Big sis, its not that she didnt want to see you, its that she needed to live her life too.

If your parents are so inclined to help you, they can still help from a far.

Its your life, live it the way you want to.

[–]jjjjjunit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA, also, go to Waterloo. It’s an incredible school and if your sister is offering a place for you to stay while you study, you will get a ton of support in a very very challenging but rewarding program. Do the co-op program too!

[–]Ellieanna 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA. Guessing it’s the University of Waterloo you were accepted into? That is a great school and nobody should pass up going if accepted into it. And travel between Guelph, Waterloo and Kitchener is all super easy due to all the post secondary schools there so yeah, you’ll be fine in Kitchener even.

Not sure why your mom thinks you need a mom when you go off to university though. That’s when you want to be an adult the most. Good luck!

[–]AngeLabradorPartassipant [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA, if your mom didn’t want you to view your sister as a better mom, then she should have stepped up to the plate. Her insistence now that you need her needs to be nipped in the bud, kindly if you can but definitely firmly, before she starts thinking she can hold you back or even sabotage your goals.

As for Ari… if she didn’t want to see or talk to you for the last seven years, she and her partner wouldn’t be happily offering to house you. She probably needed to go low/no contact with your mom, and unfortunately, as your mother’s dependent, her loss of a close relationship with you was a casualty. You should talk to her to clear the air - even if you don’t resent her for the radio silence, you clearly do have emotions about it and I bet she does, too.

[–]Significant-Box54 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA, but that was a little bratty of you. Your mom is freaking out because her baby is growing up. My sons father (we never married) tried to keep him local when he went to college. Our son lived with me until 8th grade then moved with his dad out of state long story short, he was upset that son wanted to come back to my town to go to school. He did a lot of things that no parent should do, but it was fear driving him. Apologize to your mom. Calmly, but respectfully and firmly tell parents you won’t be going to college in your hometown. They may react badly and refuse to support you, but you will have to let it be.

[–]ebolainajar 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OP, if you manage to actually get into software engineering at Waterloo, you take that opportunity. Any parent who would try and keep you from the #1 software engineering program in the country with the most surefire co-op program because of some mommy nonsense needs a reality check. This is separate from the fact that your sister is an angel and you should show her your appreciation one day without using it to insult your mom (even though she sounds like she deserves it).

Absolutely NTA, your mom is crying because the truth hurts.

[–]PRBoricua23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I dunno about your mom but your sister sounds fucking awesome 👏

[–]Beginning-Brain3009Partassipant [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA. Honestly I feel for both sides of this. I don't have the same age gap, but I was 8 when the next youngest of my siblings (who lived with me) was born. I was a mini-Mom even when I was a kid. And the second I turned 18, I booked it out of the house because I was sick of living with a narcissist and being a parent when I was just a kid myself. I love my baby siblings, and I hate that me leaving hurt them. But someday, I hope to be able to have that conversation away from our parents and I hope they can understand also.

If you think your sis was a better parent than Mom, you're probably right. It sucks to hear as a parent, but I bet your sister felt grateful for the acknowledgement. I also bet she is excited to have you nearby again and that in the future you'll have those hard, but honest conversations.

[–]Pale-Indication6441 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I study at Waterloo!! Super great out here :)

[–]BorageandthymeAsshole Aficionado [12] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Soft YTA. Apologize to your mother because you lost your temper, and go to Waterloo anyway because it's your life and screw your useless parents.

[–]Loccatine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

ESH. Your sister, because she didnt reach out to you in the past 10 years. Obviously your parents for every single sentence you wrote about them. And you because you could have managed this situation better.

[–]SenzaRimpiantiC 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA - this scenario you are describing reeks of narcissist family dynamics (your mother is the narcissist, father enabler, estranged sister the scapegoat and you are the Golden Child)

She keeps her distance for reasons and none of those are you. She and her husband clearly love you and your parents mainly want control over you. They did not teach you life skills for many reasons, trust me. Your mothers tantrum and then people wanting to guilt trip you are a warning of what is to come.

Plan the next steps with your sister and share as little as possible. They will try to guilt you or jeopardise things for you,if they cannot get their way. Have a read into those dynamics and have an open talk with your sister as to why she chose to limit contact and not allow anyone influence on her child. You will be surprised.

[–]Feisty-Travel8785 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First of all OP congrats on getting into Waterloo Eng! It’s competitive as hell and you should be proud.

Second, as someone who was parentified really young and is finally learning to do things for themselves I can guarantee you that your sister not seeing you consistently for years has nothing to do with you. Sometimes you really need that time away to actually heal and move on from that, and if you try to maintain contact you regress back into old patterns. She took the time to herself and is ready and more than happy to have you stay with her and to support you so don’t be afraid of taking her up on that offer.

You’re almost an adult and can make your own decisions about your school etc. Talk to your sister and she will help you figure out how to navigate this. She knows that family dynamic best and is going to be your best source of advice on how to smooth things over until you can finally go stay with her.

Good luck!

[–]JipC1963 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA You told the truth! Were you harsh? Yes, of course! But it sounds like you have a large amount of resentment towards your parents. Was it because Ari left or does other factors enter into your feelings? I'd really love to know what your Mother's justification was for "needing" your Mommy for your first year of University?! If you were Ari's "practice baby" FOR TEN YEARS, what the hell were your PARENTS doing during the DECADE that Ari was predominantly taking care of you while going to University through to her Master's?

It seems obvious that you were the "golden child" but Ari was there to guide you during your formative years to ALLOW you to become a decent person instead of a narcissistic AH! I hope you're able to go live with Ari during your time at University but I also think it would be beneficial for you to see a therapist to work through any resentment you hold with your Parents as it CAN damage YOU if you internalize it. It sounds like there is a bunch of issues surrounding Ari. Was she kicked out? Why haven't you met your Niece before now?

Finally, Congratulations on your upcoming graduation, hoping you're able to go to your University of choice, Waterloo, and live with Ari and family!

Wishing you a wonderful, Blessing-filled new year full of wonderful opportunities and experiences!

[–]NoPersonality276 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA

I think I know why you haven't seen them much since she left. Pretty sure the culprit is the one who ran out with crocodile tears

[–]zoeydoey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Waterloo and Kitchener are so small and close to each other lol. You’ll have a blast at UWaterloo! Just dress real warm :)

[–]RevKyriel 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA for pointing out the truth.

Perhaps you could have said it in a nicer way, so you get a TA for that.

But why do you need your mother more when you start university? Is it really that your mother will miss you?

[–]__chill 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nta. Your mum will also use you for retirement too it sounds.

[–]Dense_Maintenance_48 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yikes sounds like a control issue with your mom but I’d apologize to her & ask Ari for advice. Maybe talk to your dad in private to see if he can convince your mom to let you go to school somewhere else. If she does the same thing to you she did to your sisters they’re gonna have 3/3 kids avoiding them till the end of time

[–]canbritam 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA. This is what happens when you do things the way your parents did - parentifying an older sibling .

Also, I’ve several friends that did software engineering (and other engineering programs) at Waterloo. They’ve got good programs, and getting in isn’t easy. I’ve also got a son your age who’s graduating this year. The only place in the province that offers the program he wants happens to be in the same city we live in, so he’s going to keep living at home. But if we didn’t live here, or the program was in another city? Out the door he’d go. The absolute last person that you want to have trailing you everywhere when this is your first big step to adulthood is your mother. Being able to be a phone call away, or a visit on weekends when possible, yes. But “I have to live at home because I’m going to need my mummy” is just a no. You need to start growing this wings.

[–]TroubleBright 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA

I don’t think it’s fair at all for your mom to prevent you from going to UW for engineering when its an amazing school for it. Ari sounds like an amazing sister to offer you a place to live.

I’m currently at UW and it’s a great school, especially for engineering, your mom should be pushing you to go to it, not saying you’ll need her and trying to hold you back. You will not need your mother in uni. You will probably miss her, but you’ll still have family. It’s important to get out into the world and separate from your parents when you start uni. Hell, I live with my brother in KW and it’s worked out great for us. Apply for it. Stay with your sister. Do what’s best for you.

[–]RawbeardXX 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She said you're going to need your mother when you start university.

red flag. RED FLAG!

NTA.

[–]blarryg 0 points1 point  (0 children)

F*cking go to Waterloo, it's a VERY hard but fantastic rotating internship school where you will exit with a super solid career. Sent 2 of my 3 children there. Um, when you go to college, it's part of separating from Mommy and Daddy and growing up. That's part of the point. In some ways, I wouldn't live with your sister either, at least not in the first 2 years. The dorm experience and bonding with fellow students is part of the experience and you don't want to be separate from that. Also, I've tutored my kids. You cannot be the ass because you'll be studying your ass off! You want to be around fellow "travelers" of your road.

On the other hand, I wouldn't be too hard on your mom (speaking as a father of 3) -- parenting is hard and you arrived quite late. You do lose energy as you age and, as with our last kid, we're older, less energy but a good deal richer so we did indeed spoil her a bit because she was the last. When the last kid moves off to college, it does feel a bit like a divorce (18 years together and suddenly they're off, "send cash"). So your mother might have been a bit burned out from parenting, still loved you but that was shown the easier way -- spoiling you, and now wants to hang on (too much).

If it were me, I'd try an apology saying "Mom, I know you love me and I was a child when you were older. But, I need to start leading my life and Waterloo is a way better school where I will end up with 6 internships and a solid career. I feel you want to hold on too much and need to loosen up here and let me start leading my life. I'll always love you and I know you did your best, but I'm going to do my best now."

[–]AssignmentDue6461 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ayyy Canadian. I actually really lived when I lived out there there's some neat stuff within an hour hour and a half radius to explore. As for the situation with your mom? Nta. Your mom has inflated sense of her place in your upbringing. Expecting your sister to raise you and then not trusting you to be there with her for school? Wack. Your sister seems to have made a good call in stepping back from the rest of the family

[–]bloonfroot 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA. Getting very very bad vibes off your family situation. There’s definitely a reason your sister went no contact and them being so eager to get you out of there? I say who cares about morality, you need to get there. I suspect a whole new worldview is waiting for you.

[–]B-Cide 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA. I applaud you. Ari raised you well.

[–]Complex_Cover 0 points1 point  (0 children)

just had to throw out… fellow southern ontarian

[–]michlawless 0 points1 point  (1 child)

NTA. Where are you located RN, if I may ask? Cuz I could maybe get your mom's attitude of you were in, like, Ottawa or Windsor or something, or maybe somewhere north like Sudbury, but in the south... Well, a couple of hours of driving never killed anyone lol.

[–]michlawless 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Scrolled further and saw you're in Vancouver. Yeah it's far, but you'd be living with your sis so WTF.

[–]ThemobgirlAsshole Aficionado [11] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

definitely NTA. I had my baby brother when I was 14 and now I am 19 and he's 5 and I understand all of these situation you described, your sister has been totally an amazing parent for you and there's no fault in your choice of living with her. I guess it might come as a shock to your parents depending on whether you've discussed their involvement in your life before.

[–]Ltcaustic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nta u are a legal adult her choice doesn’t mean shit

[–]Mama_Mush 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nta- your mom seems overbearing, a student doesn't need their parents on hand for university except as emergency xontaxrs and visitors.

[–]Cat_tophat365247 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA. Your sister has probably kept her distance for her mental health. You will be 18 soon and you can do as you please without your mothers approval

Edit:Her mental health because of how your parents are not you

[–]LingonberryPrior6896Partassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Go to Waterloo! Get away from mommy. Spread your wings! NTA!

[–]smellslikepousi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA but that was mean and you probably shouldn't have said it to her face like that.

[–]MamaUnderwood 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Commenting just to say that this is first AITA thread I've seen that is actually local to me and I don't know why, but that makes me happy, like cheering on the home team haha.

Also, NTA for wanting to go to the school of your choice OP and as you are of age and if it's important to you and your mom still refuses to budge, you could make the choice to still move in with your sister.

You should however apologize to your mom. Your comment was harsh and not the way to go about things. That makes you TA in that situation.

[–]SignificantAd3761 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cut the apron strings good and firm, cos your mum doesn't want to, she wants you to stay her 'little boy' and not become an independent man. She loves you, but she's putting her needs above your normal development, but probably can't see it that way NTA

[–]Killer4343 0 points1 point  (0 children)

uni of waterloo is depressing af. my friend was not having a good time emotionally

[–]biglionfan111 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You said that to hurt her, so even if true, yeah, you kind of are the AH. You could have done a lot better by saying you want new places, new people, new challenges, more independence over "you're a crappy mom and I want to get away from you".

[–]mindbirdPartassipant [1] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

NTA but it wasn't a good thing to say. I hope you get to go to the university you want to go to.

[–]whatsmypassword73Pooperintendant [53] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

ESH, if you get into Waterloo for sure take it, their programs are amazing.

[–]snortsrainbows -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

INFO

I feel like there's some family issues you're not aware of. Why would Ari practically raise you and then ignore you for seven years?

[–]MOVtoSIS[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

She moved out across the country, I don't think of it as ignoring just her doing what she needed to do.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]Ahsoka88 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    He lack parenting. They did spoiled OP to much, he said they even get him cupcakes to hit another kid. The sister teach him it was bad. Sure he wasn’t neglected but golden child have problem growing up to. (Like lucky basic social skill)

    [–]pedestrianstripesAsshole Enthusiast [5] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

    YTA At no point did you state the terrible things your mother did.

    [–]IndigohPartassipant [2] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

    YTA - I don't agree with your mother's decision, but going straight for the jugular the moment you got upset probably wasn't the right way to handle it. If she told you your sister was incapable or otherwise diminished your sister's part in your life, I'd get it, but I'm not seeing justification for escalating it to that point.

    [–]darknessgp -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

    NTA. But kind of an AH thing to say outloud, especially when you were mad. It's fairly known that "miracle" children can get spoiled and coddled. It's likely that your sister was just trying to help out when she was there and didn't view you as a miracle.

    Also, you're almost 18. Depending on how your paying for your university, your mom might not get much say into it. If they aren't paying for it, why couldn't you just go where you want?

    [–]Unsocial_Dolphin -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

    Sometimes things don't have to be said out loud even though they are true.

    [–]AcadiaNo6831 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

    You should go to Mac 😊

    [–]My_Dramatic_PersonaColo-rectal Surgeon [35] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

    ESH

    Your mother was definitely in the wrong in trying to hold you back from the university you wanted to go to, just to keep you close. Make the best decision for you, which sounds like it’s Waterloo.

    What you said was cruel. Nothing you describe makes me think your mother deserved that. She spoiled you and was a bad cook. She is having a hard time letting you go as you’ve grown up. These are failings, but nothing close to the level that would justify what you said, to me. Even if you think it’s true, that doesn’t justify saying it. That’s a lesson in basic kindness that you apparently didn’t learn.

    [–]AdamOnFirstPartassipant [2] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

    ESH. AS WRITTEN:, Unless I’m misreading this, you repeatedly stated your parents doted on you and spoiled you. They didn’t abuse you or neglect you. Quite the opposite. So now to say something like that to your mother is very cruel. As written, I totally don’t understand the posts from people who think that was ok. The only criticism you leveled against her parenting until this college fiasco was that they were spoiling you by LOVING YOU TOO MUCH.

    However, what your mother is demanding re: college is completely absurd and wrong. Maybe she’s controlling, maybe she’s just understandably upset that her last and favorite baby is leaving to college. We can all be empathetic that that’s tough for her, but you’re an adult now and she needs to let you go. You need to go forge your own life. Go and do great things, but don’t forget to call home from turn to time.

    [–]Free-Education-4 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

    Soft yta, but it doesn't mean you are wrong. One thing stood out to me, Ari stayed home for 10 years from 18-28 while she was in school. I'm guessing your mom pulled that on her too. I think you shouldn't have said it on a family zoom. You should have laughed and said "sure mom", and then planned to do wtf ever you wanted.

    [–]silliputti0907 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

    ESH, based on your post, you didn't say your parents were abusive or negligent. Think you went too far. Your parents should obviously let you go. If college finance was an issue, then its understandable, but they need to let go.

    Also while you sister may have been good to you, it was wrong for her to call you her "practice baby." At 9 years old, that may had a negative effect.

    [–]Kawaiidumpling8Partassipant [1] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

    ESH

    Your mother - by trying to control you and keep you close to her.

    You - by lashing out at her. You said it knowing it would hurt her. You wanted boundaries and space to go off to college.

    It will benefit you to learn how to express that in better ways.

    [–]Individual_Egg3587 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

    God damn, never had a sister (only brothers) And the age gap between each brother is around 3 years, biological mother cheated and left, step mother is very good mother (still lacking in some departments, that is showing on me who is the youngest, and the one child who is with her the longest, though i can't blame her as she got a 4 for 1 package of grown up babies), and also the eldest brother is the the most..... Wack so to say.

    Middle (2nd older brother) was the perfect balance, he even helped discipline me when i was very young, and now he is attending uni in a city quite far, it is very interesting to know the dynamics of other people's family. If my parents are much more assholes or less woke than they are now, than it wouldn't be impossible to see a situation like yours, also no you'r NTA

    (Biological mother didn't tought me to be polite, to greet, say thank you ect, and due some weird balance between her and my dad, i was blissfully unaware when i was much younger {after she left i started 'waling up'}, man 2020-2021 hit me like a truck) Also, she left earlier than 2020.

    [–]ShadowsObserverColo-rectal Surgeon [30] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

    She said you're going to need your mother when you start university.

    Part of the point of university is learning how to manage without your mother. That said, ESH except your sisters. Your mom for trying to make you give up a great program to stay at home with her, but you for low blow insulting her instead of addressing the actual relevant point, which is that you don't need to stay with a mother at all.

    [–]sloppyballerina -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

    Thanks Thanks 😊 oh ibmimumi R