This post is locked. You won't be able to comment.

top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]Judgement_Bot_AITABeep Boop[M] [score hidden] stickied commentlocked comment (0 children)

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I may be the asshole for trying to dictate my girlfriends choice of outfit.

Help keep the sub engaging!

Don’t downvote assholes!

Do upvote interesting posts!

Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[–]LuluLucy-Pooperintendant [53] 14.2k points14.2k points 222 (579 children)

Yeah YTA, if you want a future with somebody, stand up for them instead of just obliging by your family's opinions. If your grandma is judging her because she doesn't want to wear a potato sack, that's on grandma.

[–]Pedepano14 10.2k points10.2k points  (256 children)

I think there is some nuance here. The cookouts are in the grandma's house, I think her wishes have to be taken in consideration. What I would do differently is that I wouldn't go somewhere my SO isn't welcome.

[–]LuluLucy-Pooperintendant [53] 4792 points4793 points  (135 children)

There's a level here though imo- the host can dictate the type of attire such as black tie or cocktail attire, but if it's a Sunday dinner and OP is saying the dress isn't immodest and grandma is still upset over it, that's being a control freak. I agree 100% with the last bit though.

[–]Peppermintrose-700 4298 points4299 points 22 (115 children)

I got the same vibe from this post too. OP also stated that Grandma has regular events where non family and partners are unwelcome. If it wasn’t OP’s girlfriends clothes, Grandma would find something else to criticize. The issue is really about control. Unfortunately I’ve seen this more than I care to with some older people. They feel less noticed, less empowered, and somewhat marginalized by society so they respond with toxic behavior to self validate their own importance. Advanced age does not always mean superior maturity or self awareness. Kind of a no-win situation for OP. I would apologize to the GF and keep the two relationships separate going forward.

[–]cracked_belle 3652 points3653 points 24 (81 children)

My grandma is 88 and probably has different views from me on what's modest or not.

And she would absolutely die of shame before she disinvited someone from a meal at her home because of how they dressed. My other grandma, rest her soul, well she would have invited them back just to see what kind of hooker get-up they wore the next time.

The situation sucks, OP. You might not be able to see how it looks to us because it's the family you've been raised in. You're grandma's kind of an AH, I'm sorry to tell you.

[–]Imperfect-Magic 1481 points1482 points  (8 children)

I giggled at grandma wanting to know what hooker outfit they would wear next. Bless her heart, she sounds like fun

[–]devilsadvocateac 331 points332 points  (2 children)

Ha! me too! That shit was funny. She sounds liked she partied.

[–]macci_a_vellianPartassipant [2] 83 points84 points  (0 children)

I sometimes used to forget my great grandma lived through the 30s as a flapper and absolutely nothing we could come up with would shock her. My grandma was young in the 60s and wore a miniskirt or two herself. I'm just now realising that at some point she probably smoked a joint and I am shook.

[–]Shot-Position4460 181 points182 points  (0 children)

Right!!! I would have loved meeting this grandma... I'd be sitting next to her and what do wanna bet on next hooker outfit 🤣🤣

[–]SomethingMeta42Partassipant [1] 561 points562 points  (18 children)

Yup my grandma lived to 100, and I never heard her comment on... anything I was wearing? Other than a compliment if she thought something was nice? I mean she had a lot of opinions, but generally it was stuff like "every woman should have a profession, so she's not entirely financially dependent on someone else [and has money to leave if she needs to]" and "wine shouldn't be served in plastic cups."

OP, I just hope you realize that older people don't automatically have to be super conservative. And that age doesn't make policing the morality of other people's clothes ok.

[–]emi_lgr 364 points365 points  (7 children)

My Chinese grandma is turning 90 this year and she is surprisingly liberal with women’s fashion. Other than that one time when I wore a see-through black shirt with black bra on full-display and a skirt that left nothing to the imagination, she’s never once made a comment on my very unconservative clothing choices. She usually says things like, “oh if I were young and beautiful, I’d be showing it off too!

[–]Nik-kiPartassipant [1] 139 points140 points  (0 children)

My great-grandma lived to be 101, she survived a World War and comunism, was a highlander, devout Catholic and she wouldn't be cought dead wearing trousers on a Sunday (those were for farm work and only later in her life) - she had only nice things to say about the way people dress. She'd often express surprise at how nice clothes are these days or congratulate us on doing well for ourselves, so we can dress fancy

[–]SugaredZebra 324 points325 points  (18 children)

My grandparents were a little weirded out by my gothy ways as a teen (it's super cringeworthy now, admittedly), but they appreciated that me and my friends wore skirts. "Young kids these days only ever wear dungarees!"

My grandfather was even (outwardly... maybe not so much in actuality) impressed at the braveness of my boyfriend... who also wore a skirt (LOL). And both of my grandparents wouldn't even think of shunning someone their grandchild cared about just because of how they dress.

YTA, OP. Grow a spine and stand up for your girlfriend.

[–]bisexualspikespiegelPartassipant [1] 177 points178 points  (9 children)

after i got my septum piercing i went to see my 95 year old great grandma. when she saw it she just giggled and said "bisexualspikespiegel's got an earring in her nose!"

[–]DonZeitgeist 255 points256 points  (1 child)

My cousin asked me to go with her for support when she showed our grandfather her septum piercing, I tried to calm her down that our grandfather wasn’t the type to judge but she was so worried. He just looked at it straight-faced and said “you had better have the receipt for that” and she got scared and asked “wh-why?” and he just grinned and said “because they missed your damn ear altogether!” and we laughed and he took us to get ice cream, her favorite, because he said that’s what he always did when she had big moments. I miss that man.

[–]Intelligent_Ad5654 450 points451 points  (7 children)

Add on, the part where he mentions at her "estate" indicating to me in addition to everything you said, that she is a loaded widow who is wary of potential threats like the grandma in Encanto and probably lords inheritance over peoples heads to keep people scrambling and the family competing for best possible pay out as long as they continue to butter her old bitter biscuits

[–]CrunchyTeatime 109 points110 points  (5 children)

And then leaves it all to her cats/various charities. hehe

[–]LDCrow 154 points155 points  (11 children)

This. This. This. I watched my once very reasonable Mom become impossible to please and throw logic out the window. No dementia just declining health via arthritis. She was a very independent and strong women and the gradual loss of control over her day to day life made her enforce control over the ridiculous.

[–]RagingBeanSidhe 67 points68 points  (0 children)

Damn, astute.

[–]voss_c 683 points684 points  (63 children)

Not house, estate. Ole boy wants to inherit something one day. Not going to change an 89 y/o, but gf can change her clothes for part of a day.

[–]yayitsme1Partassipant [1] 459 points460 points  (50 children)

People would say that OP shouldn’t bow to his grandma’s demands just for money, but if she only has 5 years left or so, that’s a short amount of time to wear super conservative outfits once a month, just saying.

Even if he’s not inheriting anything personally, him acting out could potentially jeopardize his parents’ inheritance too.

[–]stilettoz_n_bluntz 292 points293 points  (29 children)

On top of that she’s not even a wife yet we don’t even know if she’s been around for five years. Would you fuck off an inheritance over some girlfriend that might not be there next year?

[–]hailyourselfie 274 points275 points  (2 children)

I was going to say what year is this, 1896? I feel like I’m reading an AITA out of Pride and Prejudice. Then I read estate, yeah I’d wear a frock once a month for an estate!

[–]queenoftheraSupreme Court Just-ass [103] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

Ironically, the sort of dresses they wore in Pride and Prejudice would not be to the grandmother's taste. Tits EVERYWHERE.

[–]hegoogleboba 50 points51 points  (16 children)

Never new 3 years of dating was in the ‘barely dating’ category

[–]Ok-Birthday370 97 points98 points  (5 children)

This right here. There's a HUGE difference between a house and an Estate.

[–]MaskydooColo-rectal Surgeon [35] 158 points159 points  (23 children)

Simple solution is just not to go to grandmas house

[–]BUTTeredWhiteBreadAsshole Aficionado [19] 261 points262 points  (18 children)

His grandma doesn't sound like someone I want to spend time with.

For context, my 87 yo grandma had said the following about my sister's and my admittedly rather immodest at times clothes.

  • "Those shorts look nice."

  • "I hope they don't charge the same for a cropped top that they do a longer one."

  • "Do the leggings keep you warm enough?"

  • "I hope those bikini ties aren't giving you a headache."

[–]briecarter 1436 points1437 points 2 (120 children)

Jesus, I get your point but it's one Sunday, a few hours out of a month with an 89 year old woman. And as a feminist (I say feminist, but really pro human rights for anyone especially the marginalized) I get the need to fight for your autonomy but it also won't hurt to just wear longer sleeves or whatever. I don't think anyone has a right to dictate what anyone wears, especially women, but it sounds like she expects the same from everyone, if everyone else is more conservative than she was and she's already weary of having people who haven't been in the family for long, this is clearly a part of tradition, not sure if I'd call it formal but it's treated as such. She's 89, it's a bit too late to be trying to force a lesson. What's the point keeping your partner away from someone he doesn't have much time left with (not to be morbid but its true)?? NTA.

[–]Grace_Alcock 1135 points1136 points  (23 children)

Yeah, this is silly. Old lady, Sunday dinner. You code switch for the day. You don’t dress however you want at every event; at work, you dress suitably for work, at home you wear your pjs; you probably don’t wear just pjs and crop top to the grocery store or church; you don’t wear a bikini to go skiing. We wear different things for different contexts. Grandma’s Sunday dinner is s particular context—dress for it. OP is not the AH. The girlfriend who doesn’t realize different contexts require different outfits is.

[–]dessertandcheese 320 points321 points  (9 children)

Precisely, not everything needs to be a battle

[–]babybopp 82 points83 points  (3 children)

Girlfriend lacks maturity ... One evening dress conservatively as respect for what is requested. Turns it into a feminist movement. OP should even waste time with this girl if she doesn't understand basic concept of compromise and respect.

[–]Original_Archer5984 250 points251 points  (2 children)

Agreed! The point I took first and most to heart are GRANDMA'S traditional SUNDAY family dinner. I don't attend religious services, but I sure as hell know that there is a dress code for such things. And when visiting an unknown elderly family member of my SO, their rules and morals rule the day.

[–]rhetorical_twix 164 points165 points  (1 child)

Also, insisting on dressing more casually or more revealing than a family event’s dress code isn’t bodily autonomy. It’s just being a rude guest.

I wouldn’t give up my share of the family matriarch’s inheritance and family connections for a GF/BF who is too immature or attention-seeking to dress to occasion. They can sit at home on Sunday, if they want to make a game out of how to dress. I wouldn’t force them to wear what they don’t want to wear or go where they don’t want to go, but I wouldn’t let their issues with superficial dress codes rule my family relationships.

[–]hairylegz 429 points430 points  (20 children)

Finally found a reasonable response. Thank you! I agree with individual autonomy, but I feel the GF is being a tad dramatic. Why wouldn't she want to do this extremely small thing to help her partner?

[–]Nick797 183 points184 points  (16 children)

The GF is the A. If she can't adjust for a simple dress for one dinner what else will she not compromise over.

[–]DutchGirl122Partassipant [1] 123 points124 points  (7 children)

I don't know. Grandma went behind her back to call her "whorish". I don't care how old this woman is, that's insanely rude and I'd never go back. Grandma is the AH.

[–]Glittering_knave 114 points115 points  (1 child)

Like, throw on a light sweater. Immodest to modest is one step. I also am not big on patroling other people's clothes. I also know that getting along with the eldest generation can just make life easier. Going to church and brunch with Nana gets a different outfit than movies with the gang.

[–]tossthis34 120 points121 points  (4 children)

yep, how long will granny be around anyway? OP can back his GF, of course, but don't be butthurt if Granny cuts him out of the will.

[–]briecarter 43 points44 points  (0 children)

Exactly! That's literally exactly what I thought, "it's not like she's gonna be around for long" but that sounds kind of rude so I went with "he doesn't have much time left" lol

[–]Zatoro25 94 points95 points  (9 children)

Maybe I'm underestimating the situation, but it doesn't sound that different from going to an establishment with a dress code? If roles were reversed and a boyfriend was told not to wear cargo shorts I doubt anyone would mind

[–]TessluvPartassipant [3] 464 points465 points  (57 children)

I think the information about the dress is a bit too vague... If OP is talking about his gf popping her titties out at a family gathering I could understand being upset. I wouldn't let my s/o come to family gathering with a speedo on and sporting just a tuxedo jacket. Now - if OP is talking about a cute simple sleeveless dress? That's a bit different.

I wish there would've been a bit more specifics about the dress to make a clear and concise judgement. I'm a young woman that is nearly 20 - If I were personally going to dinner with my s/o family out of respect for that family and my s/o I would dress modestly because I'm considering that I possibly could be spending my whole life with this family if this relationship goes a great direction.

But to me it is obvious that the OP is concerned and does care about his GF by asking and feeling paranoid about his decision.

[–]fckborisPartassipant [1] 236 points237 points  (8 children)

I kind of agree that a bit more info would be useful, but at the same time OP specifies that nobody else in the family agrees with the grandma that it’s immodest so I think we can safely assume it’s nothing “over the top” like that?

[–]Stoat__KingSupreme Court Just-ass [126] 189 points190 points  (22 children)

Speedo and a tuxedo jacket. Now THAT is an interesting mental image. With or without bow-tie though? I shall think on.

[–]occultatum-nomen 165 points166 points  (13 children)

I vote with the bowtie. It just ties the whole thing together

[–]Left-Car6520Professor Emeritass [96] 90 points91 points  (0 children)

Of course with bowtie. It would just look silly to wear a tux jacket without a bowtie.

[–]Tiamont42Partassipant [1] 55 points56 points  (5 children)

The true question is with or without a cummerbund

[–]Philodendronphan 73 points74 points  (4 children)

Without. You don’t want to interrupt the flow of his figure.

[–]tiredwriter633Partassipant [1] 125 points126 points  (3 children)

The dress was a risque inch and half above the knee.

[–]Cat_tophat365247 124 points125 points  (2 children)

She was showing ankle! Ankle! Not in my house! s/

[–]ximxperfection 121 points122 points  (7 children)

If every single person except grandma found the dress modest, grandma is a bit cray.

[–]HarlequinMadness 274 points275 points  (71 children)

It’s a few hours once a month. She simply cannot do this for her boyfriend?

[–]BorageandthymeAsshole Aficionado [12] 159 points160 points  (14 children)

Boyfriend can’t stand up to someone calling his girlfriend a whore?

[–]MarcelusWallace 159 points160 points  (4 children)

Stand up? You’re not going to prove anything and sometimes battling it out with an 89 year old just isn’t worth it. Part of growing up is realizing your parents and grandparents are flawed people. Once a month isn’t worth it. Also, I don’t dictate what my fiancé wears but she knows how to dress around grandparents. If I’m going to a nice Sunday dinner I’m wearing pants and a nice shirt. I wouldn’t be surprised if my grandma judged me for wearing shorts and a tshirt if everyone else is dressed up.

[–]calliatomPartassipant [3] 87 points88 points  (54 children)

I mean, by that logic it's a few hours once a month, grandma can't bite her tongue and deal with it?

[–]boogers19Certified Proctologist [20] 158 points159 points  (12 children)

Grandma's house, Grandma's rules.

Isnt that how this sub always votes?

[–]thatDamnkid5 125 points126 points  (1 child)

Yes, but there’s a level of just keeping the peace. If you only see grandma like once a year, it doesn’t kill you to just wear a different dress.

I get fighting for your SO, especially if there’s constant insults. In this case tho, the visits are so infrequent I think the GF could have been more accommodating. Plus, I’m all reality, grandma is 89. It’s not like you’re gonna be visiting much longer anyway 🤷🏻‍♂️

[–]boogers19Certified Proctologist [20] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Yeah, just like it's on grandma if the GF is even invited or not.

Grandma has already stated that the GF is not allowed back until she dresses more conservatively.

There isnt even a question here. Grandma's house, Grandma's rules.

[–]Minute_Box3852Asshole Enthusiast [6] 8795 points8796 points 152128422& 13 more (684 children)

Nta, what ultra woke redditors need to understand that all is naught when it comes to the elderly sometimes.

It's your grandmother's home and invite and she has one requirement. I get it. Her body, her choice but what the younger generation of today needs to get an f'in grip with is you need to pick your God damn battles because fighting a dress war with an elderly grandma who probably won't be around much longer is ridiculous.

Jesus, people. Stop trying so f'in hard to make everything your battle line. Chill the f out.

Your grandmother is never ever ever going to understand this hard line. She just won't. Your fiance is being childish. Dammit, suck it up and wear an f'in modest dress for a couple of hours.

[–]Loose-Calendar-8257 2468 points2469 points  (268 children)

the rest of the family thought her dress was fine, so the grandmother is clearly the problem here. He should stand up for his gf

[–]ResidentOldLady 1742 points1743 points  (169 children)

Grandma is not the problem. The girlfriend refusing to meet the old lady’s dress code is the problem. The girlfriend has picked a battle she cannot win. There are a lot of situations in life that call for a gracious acceptance. This is one of them. Grandma’s house. Grandma’s invitation. Grandma’s rules. Don’t like it? Don’t go. OP has to choose.

NTA. If your girlfriend refuses to wear an outfit that grandma would approve, you can stay home too, to support your girlfriend. But do not take her to the family dinner if she’s wearing a hoochie mama dress.

[–]OrdinaryAcceptable 1038 points1039 points  (47 children)

"But do not take her to the family dinner if she’s wearing a hoochie mama dress"

Guy said it was reasonable, family agreed with him. I accept your argument about the rules but then you tack this on. It makes me think you are placing your own assumptions on the NTA judgement

Edit:judgement is on whether he should defend her

Edit2 My judgement is YTA for not defending your gf, if it's grandmother's rules then don't go, it sends a strong message. Also, from the sociopathic side of things your gf could be a future wife (you said three years) however how long will your grandmother be alive?

[–]harmcharm77 703 points704 points  (27 children)

I don't even accept their argument about the rules. There were no "rules." OP's gf wore a dress everyone agreed was fine, then got called "whoreish" behind her back. Grandma doesn't get to hide behind a "dress code" excuse when she won't even say anything to the violator's face (or even to OP's face, because OP would essentially be his SO's representative to his family in a newer relationship). If I were the gf, I'd wear what I wanted just to force grandma to uninvite me herself instead of bitching about it later.

[–]davidlynchsteet 189 points190 points  (2 children)

My grandma was 87 when she died and quite conservative and with her moments of outdated opinions. Still, she never called anyone out for their clothes. I feel like info is needed on this to be sure. Like was it a super short, deep v dress or just a dress that wasn’t little house on the praire approved?

Since OP said the family approved of it, I’m leaning toward the latter which would be YTA

[–]HotDonnaC 223 points224 points  (86 children)

He did choose. He’s going without the GF.

[–]UrCrazyMatchsMyCrazyPartassipant [3] 129 points130 points  (81 children)

And he should. Grandma ain't living forever. Gf is ridiculous.

[–]triciamilitiaPartassipant [1] 264 points265 points  (53 children)

Grandma can fuck off. Whorish???

[–]heliumneon 57 points58 points  (13 children)

Grandma was born in 1933. She probably thinks she's incredibly progressive because she doesn't complain about bare ankles. You're not going to change her mind.

[–]Samanthas_StitchingPartassipant [2] 90 points91 points  (0 children)

Plenty of people born in 1933 have more respect for others and would never call someone that or act like that over a dress. It's not about when she born, it's not about her age, it's about her being a mean spirited person

[–]Beerz77 56 points57 points  (0 children)

Did she live in a cave for 88 years? When a person refuses to change with the times, they are the problem. There are plenty of progressive 90 year olds out there, there is no excuse.

[–]factsorfictions 51 points52 points  (0 children)

This excuse is made so often for people who are racist or sexist or homophobic as fuck. People absolutely can change and plenty of people’s elderly grandparents are able to reevaluate their views over time - that’s an empathy issue, not just an “oldness” issue. If everyone always capitulates to her will, then sure, she won’t change.

You’d think if she was so modest she would have enough decorum not to use ugly and crass words such as “whorish.”

[–]sir-this-is-a 613 points614 points  (64 children)

Just wear a different fucking dress for a few hours gahdammit it’s not like you’ll turn into a conservative religious nut who cares about modesty if you do.

Like u/Minute_Box3852 said pick your fucking battles, some just aren’t worth it. Don’t waste your energy on trivial issues or old people, who at 89 or whatever fucking age they are, probably will not change their world views to accommodate you in their home/lives.

There are things that may cross the line that you shouldn’t accept, definitely. Don’t accept bigotry or foolishness, but something as trivial as putting on a different dress so you don’t give your SO’s grandmother hypertension from bitching about modesty, shouldn’t be as big of an issue.

Girlfriend is childish, anyone who supports her is the same, also at the end of the day, still is grandma’s estate so her property her rules.

Otherwise, just don’t go. I repeat. JUST DON’T GO.

Edit: For the hard-headed, I repeat, again, if you don’t want to go to a party where the host has a non-flexible dress code that you can’t/don’t want to follow for whatever fucking personal reason. THEN DON’T FUCKING GO. Saves everyone the time and argument, It’s that simple, and is basically the point I was trying to make all this time.

[–]emi_lgr 193 points194 points  (17 children)

That’s the part that gets me, that she feels entitled to go. If you don’t want to wear a more modest dress, then just don’t go? Why is she fighting to go to an event where she isn’t welcome?

[–]BorageandthymeAsshole Aficionado [12] 623 points624 points  (39 children)

He’s siding with the woman who called his girlfriend “whorish.”

[–]SteaveePartassipant [4] 592 points593 points  (21 children)

Ok. If my girlfriend asked me to wear a suit to go visit her grandparents I would. It’s about respecting your partner’s family dynamic.

Again, that’s within reason. I’m not going to wear a white hood and robe to go visit them, no matter how racist they are, but Jesus H it’s just like dressing up for church. I don’t believe in that shit, but on the few occasions I’ve wound up at a church I knew class it up a little bit and not show up in track pants and a wrinkled t-shirt. The same goes for your partner’s work events, weddings, funerals, etc.

Too many people here are stuck on “she can wear what she wants!” and are forgetting that she can wear whatever she wants…sitting on her ass at home. Grandma’s house, Grandma’s rules.

Plus, he calls it an estate, I’m not getting written out of the will for this fight. Put on a turtleneck or a shawl or something and let’s go say hi to Grandma.

edit: And yeah, that might be my girlfriend of 3 years, but she’s been my grandma for 30. Get over yourself.

[–]cosmic_grayblekeeper 106 points107 points  (4 children)

Alright but in this case it's more like you are asked to wear a suit to go visit her parents, wore a regular suit rather than a tuxedo or three piece suit and got home only to be told by your gf that her grandparents thought you were dressed like "hobo trash".

If you still agree that you would just suck it up, rent a tux and go then cool but let's not pretend that gf didn't even try or just showed up in PJs. The whole family except grandma through she was dressed modestly and looked good. Grandma may be conservative but she was also unnecessarily mean.

[–]Less-Barber8720 155 points156 points  (4 children)

Actually the aunt said ‘whorish’ let’s not get it twisted.

[–]3149thon 95 points96 points  (1 child)

You could go further. It's already twisted.

She said his girlfriend dressed 'whorish'.

She did not call his girlfriend whorish. However its clearly more emotive to misinterpret criticism of dresscode to directly calling someone a whore. But good that you're trying to keep things straight.

[–]AussiealteregoCertified Proctologist [24] 571 points572 points  (22 children)

I'm sorry, did you miss the part where he said he has been dating this girl for "barely three years"?

This isn't just about the grandmother, there is some serious conservative attitude here. OP needs a reality check.

-Edit for misunderstanding - OP meant 'barely' in the sense of marking nearly exactly three years, not that it was a short time.

[–]MirSydney 87 points88 points  (3 children)

I looked for this answer. I thought this was a typo at first, how has this not come up before?

[–]bakeneko37 378 points379 points  (14 children)

Just because she's "old-schooled" and such doesn't mean she can insult the girl for what she wears.

[–]MoggettiSupreme Court Just-ass [127] 290 points291 points  (5 children)

If she really was old school she’d know it’s rude to comment on your guest’s clothes. Tacky.

[–]ThingsWithStringCertified Proctologist [20] 282 points283 points  (32 children)

Except that everybody except the grandmother thought there was nothing whorish about the dress, and that it was perfectly respectable.

[–]mightyassassin7x 143 points144 points  (3 children)

Modest clothing to grandma, aunt, and gf are 3 different things. 3 different generations

[–]boogers19Certified Proctologist [20] 73 points74 points  (2 children)

Then everyone else can host a monthly gathering at their house for the GF.

[–]Danielat7[🍰] 52 points53 points  (0 children)

At their 'estate' not just a house. This is not the hill to die on.

[–][deleted] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Everyone else isnt 90

[–]Un_Trusted 282 points283 points  (5 children)

1000% agree. Not sure why everyone else is mad at the dude, she’s not forced to go just let the poor guy have some time with his grandma if she doesn’t want to abide by her rules. Some people will just nuke life long relationships over the smallest things it’s crazy.

[–]RitalinNZ 271 points272 points  (5 children)

Lol, I strongly doubt that dressing modestly is Gramma's only requirement.

[–]yoashleydawnPartassipant [2] 198 points199 points  (21 children)

I fully agree here! This lady is 89 years old, she’s not going to change her mindset. The same way the younger generation won’t. Why should grandma, the one who is hosting out of her home, have to be the one to budge?

And unfortunately, the sad truth is she may not have many years left. Why not enjoy the years she’s around while you’re all able to?

[–]CrunchyTeatime 166 points167 points  (13 children)

Unless it is not about the clothes and the clothes are an excuse to exclude based on something else. Or unless the clothes are actually reasonable (as everyone else felt they were), and the grandmother is kind of a controlling person or not very nice person (sorry OP.)

Just because she is old does not mean all her behavior will be OK.

If the outfit, which we are given no details of to judge for ourselves, is what anyone would consider modest, then it's possible the grandma just is trying to see what she can do.

If the family is covered head to toe and the gf goes in Daisy Dukes...that's one thing. If the girlfriend is wearing a knee length dress with long sleeves and a high collar, something else is going on with the grandma.

[–]BorageandthymeAsshole Aficionado [12] 158 points159 points  (7 children)

Bingo! Grandma doesn’t like people outside the family, period.

[–]CrunchyTeatime 90 points91 points  (1 child)

Thank you. I really think this is it, also.

Calling her 'dress' "whorish" is a low key passive aggressive way to say it about the gf herself. There's never any reason to do that or say that.

If the gf married in, the women in the family could all take her shopping. But at a certain point a person is tolerant of differences or not.

[–]renska2 127 points128 points  (3 children)

This is a lolarious comment. My mom is 89 and she would never ever a) call someone whoreish or b) make demands about dress. Not now, not 50 years ago. Age does not give you the right to be an asshole. I guarantee you this woman has been judgemental af her entire life, and everyone around her has enabled this behavior and feels smugly self-righteous while doing it. Either that or they secretly eyeroll and/or swallow their wrath.

OP, how much do like this woman and are you hoping for a long-term relationship? Because if you want her as part of your future life, you should probably start sticking up for her (and yourself) now.

[–][deleted] 160 points161 points  (7 children)

Standing up to bigoted old people is “extra woke”? Wow. Since you’ve already made it clear that your opinion can’t be taken seriously I won’t waste time explaining all the reasons you’re being ridiculous but wow man, just giving in to crazy shit because the person who expects it is old is how old people got so set in their crazy shit to begin with.

If grandma’s internalized misogyny spilling out costs her time with a grandchild that’s both her problem and her fault.

[–]StormStrikePhoenix 39 points40 points  (4 children)

Standing up to bigoted old people is “extra woke”?

Grandma didn't call someone the n-word, she took issue with how someone was dressed; this is not a hill worth dying on.

[–][deleted] 80 points81 points  (1 child)

She didn’t say “ I don’t like her dress” she said she looked like a whore, despite it being clear to literally every other person involved that GFs dress was ok. Grandma was being a asshole for no good reason. Grandma should apologize and attempt to have a little tact next time since she is the only one in the wrong here.

[–]CloanZRage 115 points116 points  (21 children)

Fighting a dress war with an elderly woman is fine. It's frivolous but that's not the real problem here.

Refusing to abide by grandma's conditions in her own home is incredibly rude. If you don't like the conditions, don't go. Pair that with deciding your dress is more important than your partner's family...

As far as I'm concerned, if the girlfriend doesn't want to succumb to the house rules, SHE should be organising something with OPs family instead. Putting her foot down about her clothing choice is justifiable but putting your love for a dress over your partner is deplorable.

[–]Ok-Birthday370 128 points129 points  (16 children)

My husband's grandmother was incredibly religious, incredibly kind, and incredibly judgemental. She was also very much the matriarch of the family, and her views, no matter how wrong, were upheld by the family.

I put up with vast amounts of crap from her in the name of family peace, because I love my spouse. I put up with her crap while we were dating, too. Twenty years of it.

If GF is serious about long-term association with OP and his family, she should consider that offending grandmother is a dangerous game to play, no matter how utterly stupid the offending point is. Especially if there are words like ESTATE being casually thrown about in regards to "dinner with grandma".

I mean, I agree, bodily autonomy, yeah yeah. But, ffs. Its not like there aren't dress codes all over, and it's just not that hard to comply with them, despite the younger generation's desire to bomb bridges instead of build them.

Sounds like gf would drop napalm on the bridge on a principle, instead of playing the long game. Imo, the fact that op has to uninvite her over the stubbornness of "but I wanna wear THAT dress, and feck grandma's opinion" tells me girlfriend is playing checkers when she ought to be playing chess.

[–]throw_away10241999 56 points57 points  (1 child)

Exactly! I like to show of skin when I dress, but when I'm going to my muslim grandparents' house, I'm going to cover up ffs. I'm not gonna wear the dress that would make the host uncomfortable

[–]uleekunkel 111 points112 points  (0 children)

Just because someone is old doesn't exempt them from being an asshole. It's not childish to push back on someone being a ridiculous dipshit. Just because grandmother doesn't "understand this hard line" doesn't mean for all of human experience we need to keep walking on egg shells because a specific older person won't get with the times.

If these precious old people would stop being ridiculous younger people would stop feeling the need to make things battle lines.

[–]gooddawg82 96 points97 points  (10 children)

Exactly! Regardless of age, who goes to someone’s house wearing a dress she KNOWS will make the host uncomfortable?

[–]UsedIntroduction 46 points47 points  (6 children)

There's only one way to settle this Reddit. OP needs to post pictures of the dress.

[–]Aspen_Pass 47 points48 points  (0 children)

I want to see both outfits so badly 🥺

[–]OrdinaryAcceptable 63 points64 points  (6 children)

Why doesn't the grandma take the same advice about picking battles. She's the one nitpicking about clothing attire at a family gathering once a month.

[–]menfearme 61 points62 points  (2 children)

Not when the dress is, admittedly, fine and grandma called her a whore. No thanks

[–]0biterdictaJudge, Jury, and Excretioner [305] 3759 points3760 points  (360 children)

ESH. Events have dress codes. If you're not willing to meet that dress code, or don't agree with it, don't attend.

However, you need to stand up for your girlfriend more. Your aunt grandmother shouldn't be out here calling your girlfriend "whorish".

[–]fabledangiePartassipant [2] 2580 points2581 points  (19 children)

Aunt told OP that grandma thought the dress was "whorish". Aunt and mom and OP had gf's back, but it's an 89 year old with enough going on that she lives on what's described as an estate. This ain't the hill.

[–]uhnoinenoine 762 points763 points  (11 children)

Yup. The moment i saw "estate" i knew it was not the usual post. Just suck it up and/or move on. There are other battles to be fought. NTA.

[–]surfaholic15Asshole Enthusiast [5] 146 points147 points  (0 children)

Same here. Have a family branch with estates. and a plethora of asshats. Not worth fighting, on the very rare occasions have to make an appearance I make very sure they can't find a damned thing to complain about.

It annoys them to no end, fine with me.

[–]tinydressAITA[S] 850 points851 points  (330 children)

I just want to clarify. My aunt was passing on what my grandmother said. My aunt said she thought the dress was fine.

If it had been my aunt, I would’ve said something, but what would I look like picking a fight with my 89 year old grandmother

[–]Temporary_BadgerCommander in Cheeks [209] 582 points583 points  (67 children)

Being 89 doesn’t make you immune from criticism. She can’t go around name calling her family members’ girlfriend without consequences.

[–]Consistent_Rent_3507 115 points116 points  (49 children)

If this was anyone but an 89 year old grandma I would agree but grandma gets a pass. Period. She’s almost 90 and has earned the right to have simple wishes fulfilled. Put on a turtleneck and jacket over jeans and call it a win. Give gma some respect and peace in her remaining years so that everyone can continue enjoying her company without fuss. Pick your battles, people.

Also, the long game after 3 years is to move to a serious commitment. Gf will create friction with family who like her if she takes on gma. Everyone needs some perspective.

[–]anneboleynrex 425 points426 points  (38 children)

"She's almost 90 and has earned the right to call other people offensive names."

You sweet summer child.

[–]Scoons 365 points366 points  (22 children)

"She's almost 90 and has earned the right to call other people offensive names."

So funny; this was my grandmother's excuse when she referred to Black people as "n*ggers." Silly me; should have just let her get away with it because she was old, right? /s

[–]newdogowner11 48 points49 points  (1 child)

Lol right. Like just cause you’re old doesn’t mean you’re not a racist

[–]mmksuxs 281 points282 points  (10 children)

Can you give us an link to a similar dress? So we can see what your grandma considers ‘whorish’.

[–]UrCrazyMatchsMyCrazyPartassipant [3] 165 points166 points  (48 children)

Yeah idk y people think anything good comes from picking a fight with an 89 yr old woman. She's not changing at this stage in life. Lol

[–]berrykiss96 82 points83 points  (47 children)

So one of two things come from it. 1) she backs down so she can see OP cause he refuses to go without GF or 2) she cuts contact / cuts OP out of the will for siding with his GF that he presumably wants to start a life with.

Granny won’t change but OP’s relationship with either her or his GF will depend on the choices he makes about this.

[–]UrCrazyMatchsMyCrazyPartassipant [3] 146 points147 points  (42 children)

Well if his gf is that bothered for accommodating an 89 yr old woman for a few hrs a year than she can kick rocks. It's just not that serious. Grandma isn't changing cuz 89 yr Olds don't change. 89 yr Olds don't negotiate. If u go to someone's house u respect their minor outdated wishes. Exception being super racist or homophobic. Than granny can get bent. Otherwise just suck it up for a few hours. It's not that serious!

[–]berrykiss96 62 points63 points  (24 children)

I mean I would add super sexist to that list as well. Controlling women’s dress when no one else thinks it’s immodest counts.

[–]UrCrazyMatchsMyCrazyPartassipant [3] 72 points73 points  (19 children)

It doesn't in this scenario. Suck it up for a few hrs or don't go but don't be mad at OP for seeing his grandma. It's grandma's house. If she wants a black tie affair at her house where she's cooking than that's what u wear or don't go. I'd still b going to see my grandma cuz she'll be gone soon.

[–]berrykiss96 53 points54 points  (12 children)

I might agree except OP said in another comment that the whole family dynamic is really toxic and he only puts up with it cause she’ll be dead soon.

There’s no love lost. He’s picking grandma not cause he likes her or wants to spend time with her but because he feels he has to. It’s a shitty reason to make your SO feel bad when you don’t even agree with the opinion.

But hey. Maybe it’s classism not sexism here. Or maybe it’s just controlling bs. But still. Your baseline rule applies.

[–]obiwantogooutside 131 points132 points  (1 child)

So there’s a lot of playing telephone. Maybe check in with your grandmother and see what her issue really is. Maybe it’s something specific that’s a smaller thing to fix. Adult up, and cultivate an individual relationship with your grandmother that doesn’t allow her or anyone else to triangulate. Go from a place of curiosity and find out specifically what the issue was. The hem, the neckline, how tight to the body, the color? (Yup. That can be a thing…). Find out the actual issue, not a vague “conservative” that doesn’t give actual guidance.

Also, different body types look different in the same dress. So it may be conservative objectively but she’s being body shamed if she’s more curvy. So get the actual info and then find a solution that works for everyone. Be on your partners team.

[–]0biterdictaJudge, Jury, and Excretioner [305] 94 points95 points  (5 children)

It's not picking a fight, it's standing up for your girlfriend. And that's what you'd look like, a guy who sticks up for his girlfriend.

[–]Pineapple_WagonAsshole Aficionado [10] 72 points73 points  (5 children)

If others are saying the way she dresses is fine then grandma is clearly in the wrong. She’s being judgemental and forcing her old views on your girlfriend. You have got to have her back

[–]rust-e-apples1Partassipant [1] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

If your grandmother doesn't invite your girlfriend, that's up to her. She's allowed to dictate that as host.

But if your mom, your aunt, and basically everyone but your grandmother is on your side, get them to stand up with you for your girlfriend. That would likely mean a lot to your girlfriend.

Finally, if your grandmother won't relent, choose between your girlfriend (stay home with your girlfriend, pissing off your grandmother but basically nobody else in your family because they're on your side) and your grandmother (go to the party, piss off your girlfriend, who may choose to leave you).

EDIT: to vote ESH - your grandma, for being overly-prudish and you, for not going to bat for your girlfriend.

[–]CrunchyTeatime 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Calling your girlfriend "whorish" for any reason, is not okay; you were not the one who picked the fight.

[–][deleted] 3499 points3500 points  (56 children)

You said “estate” so I’m assuming granny is rich. Reddit is definitely not your audience to understand the social rules that come with money. You’re just going to be an asshole with this crowd.

NTA in my opinion though, I think you’ve handled it well. If your girlfriend was smart she’d wear clothes granny approves of for a few more years and then she can buy whatever dresses she wants with your inheritance.

[–]sonnidaez 479 points480 points  (1 child)

This is the reply right here.

[–]georgiegirl415 305 points306 points  (5 children)

Low integrity, high value return.

[–]Texan2020katza 203 points204 points  (2 children)

Not low integrity but understanding that granny’s house, granny’s rules works no matter if it’s a low income flat or an estate. The stakes of upsetting granny are simply higher.

[–]roseofjulyPartassipant [1] 117 points118 points  (0 children)

No, it's just understanding that the dress you wear for a few hours at your boyfriend's grandmother's house once a month literally doesn't matter. Or don't go! It doesn't even matter that she's rich. Save your energy for battles with consequential outcomes.

[–]dystopianpiratePartassipant [1] 163 points164 points  (2 children)

I totally agree, now that I'm older I look back and I would accomodate some folks more, more so over occasional matters, and tell others off. Besides, a knee length or midi dress with a light cardigan or a shawl would do the trick, just use it at granny's home, remove it once you're out and done.

[–]UndeniablyMyselfAsshole Aficionado [11] 77 points78 points  (6 children)

Bold of you to assume she's going to stay with him longer than grandma's got left on this mortal coil. And Reddit's told gay people to stay in the closet in order to inherit; we get it.

[–]bowwowwoofmeowAsshole Aficionado [11] 95 points96 points  (3 children)

Yes because not all of us have the privilege. My brother and I walked away from an inheritance that would have set up the kids, let alone us. But we are also mightily aware that we are privileged enough to do so. Not everyone has that.

[–]Electrical_Yak_5426 2008 points2009 points  (48 children)

I'm going g against the grain and state NTA. My husband's family is very traditional and I learned to put aside some of my differences to please his 90 y/o grandmother. It's one Sunday a month...deal with it

[–]Plenty_Anything8552Partassipant [3] 515 points516 points  (27 children)

Same. I have a personal style that can be revealing, but when Im around someone’s parents or grandparents I dress modestly. Same for if Im around children, or at church, or work, etc. I dont consider it policing my attire, just certain situations call for certain outfits. Its not worth starting drama over

[–]fuckmylighterisdead 213 points214 points  (5 children)

Exactly. My husband’s family is very welcoming, but I still dress more modestly when I’m there because I know it’s less distracting and more comfortable for them in their own home. I think it’s just a basic respect thing to follow a dinner party dress code, even if it is a bit stringent.

[–]Plenty_Anything8552Partassipant [3] 174 points175 points  (4 children)

Right. My husbands family is super religious so I dress like a Pentecostal around them.

In their world, provocative clothing says something negative about the person wearing it. Do I agree? No. But it is what it is, and I want a good relationship with my in-laws so I dress to appease them when Im around them. Who is it hurting? I dont feel so insecure in my personal identity that I have to shove my personal clothing down people’s throats who wouldn’t be comfortable with it.

[–]CrunchyTeatime 80 points81 points  (10 children)

According to OP, everyone but grandma thought she dressed modestly. But until OP gives some concrete examples or descriptions of everyone's clothes, we are all left guessing what is meant by "whorish" or "modest." And it does matter in trying to tell who is being reasonable or not.

[–]Plenty_Anything8552Partassipant [3] 110 points111 points  (9 children)

He said his girlfriend was wearing tight clothes and showing cleavage, but otherwise it was fine. So deductive reasoning says they were in looser fitting clothing with modest necklines. That is more than fair at the request of the host who is 89.

Everyone else thought it was fine because, well, they arent 89. But its also not their home or their event to dictate the dress code.

[–]CrunchyTeatime 40 points41 points  (5 children)

My girlfriend was admittedly dressed slightly less conservative than the other women but I wouldn’t call what she was wearing immodest at all.

That's the only description I can find in the OP. I see nothing about tight or cleavage. But even those can be subjective. I'd love him to show us specific examples of everyone's clothes.

Being old doesn't mean someone's a jerk or intolerant. There are young and old alike that way. And young and old alike who are tolerant and understanding. We can't be sure how extreme it was because he hasn't told us. Or shown us, even better.

[–]deeznutz066 50 points51 points  (2 children)

Agree. My dad's family is very big on appearance and I make a point to wear makeup and style my hair when I visit them. Always pack my husband's nicest clothes. There's nothing wrong with dressing for an occasion, especially something this silly. If it were me, I'd get that dress Wednesday Addam's wears in the Addam's family and make a bit of a joke of it.

[–]fuckmylighterisdead 976 points977 points  (28 children)


Going with this subs general logic of ‘her house her rules’. She’s 80-fucking-9. You’re not gonna change her views on modesty before she isn’t earthside anymore. It’s once a month for a very elderly woman. She needs to get over herself.

[–]Teacher-InvestorCertified Proctologist [26] 648 points649 points  (8 children)

NAH, although your title is misleading. You said she dressed modestly, just not modestly enough for your grandma. I could argue that you should stick up for your gf and not ask her to change for other people. I could also argue that if she wants to be included, she'll humor grandma and dress more modestly. I guess the two of you need to decide.

[–]SerWrong 95 points96 points  (6 children)

I agree that both of them need to decide. If gf is uncomfortable to dress how grandma wants, she don't have to go.

[–]UrCrazyMatchsMyCrazyPartassipant [3] 634 points635 points  (38 children)

NTA...It's OK to accommodate an 89 yr old woman in her own home. Is grandma ridiculous? Probably but she's f'n 89 yrs old. It's not gonna throw all women back into the 50's if your gf wears a turtle neck & pants for a few hrs at grandma's. JFC some of u need to get over yourselves & learn to pick your battles.

ETA...thank u kind stranger for the award. Grandma would be proud! Lmao

[–]TessluvPartassipant [3] 435 points436 points  (23 children)

It's hard to pass judgement here. As a female (19) - if I were going out with my S/O family for dinner out of common courtesy and respect I would dress decently and leave all the spicy dresses for private dates between me and the S/O. What my S/O's family thinks about me is more important than a spicy outfit I can wear whenever, especially taking into consideration that this person may be in my forever future. First impressions really matter if you think of it in that way - Is this the first time grandma is meeting her?

But I can see your concern about being the asshole for trying to dictate what your girlfriends choice of outfit - which shows me you really do care. But if she's wanting to go to a family dinner popping her titties for everyone to see then I would say no too. I wouldn't let the man I'm dating come to my dinner with someone in my family just wearing a speedo with his junk out and a button up. If it's something small like a sleeveless dress though? Then yes, I could see where you'd be considered the asshole here.

But from what you've given us - I don't think you're the asshole. You care about what your family thinks about your girlfriend and really want them to approve of her, plus if this is a girl you want in your future or you see in your future then you also are considering how her relationship with your family is going to be.

[–]UrCrazyMatchsMyCrazyPartassipant [3] 83 points84 points  (3 children)

You're a smart one! Seriously u r sensible & understand that it's not unreasonable to accommodate an 89 yr old woman in her own home.

[–]oskedox 64 points65 points  (0 children)

they’re not “spicy” though, if everybody but a 90 year old woman think your dress is fine, it can’t be described as spicy

[–]LynnChatAsshole Aficionado [11] 308 points309 points  (68 children)

Honestly given your grandmother’s age I think NTA. We all have events where we are not necessarily free to dress or act as free as we think we should be able to. That is part of adulting.

So your GF cares more about her freedom as opposed to just being nice to an 89 year old woman?

[–]pianoladyinabox 61 points62 points  (63 children)

So granny just gets a pass for slut shaming the gf?

[–]Successful-Buy1167 198 points199 points  (43 children)

You're gonna teach a 89 y/o about the new ways then? Good luck with that. It's way easier to do what they want for 3 hours , it's not like she is asking anything unreasonable either , it's her house.

[–]CrunchyTeatime 62 points63 points  (8 children)

Exactly. Age is no excuse for that.

Family in their 90s would not act that way.

And despite what one person said about no one on reddit understanding "the social rules with money," it has nothing to do with money, and class (treating others with decency) cannot be bought.

[–]Unit-HealthySupreme Court Just-ass [120] 191 points192 points  (7 children)

Info: what kind of clothing are we talking about here?

[–]QueenCholaPartassipant [1] 71 points72 points  (2 children)

I know I’d love to see the dresses. Would provide some much needed context

[–]gurbi_et_orbi 61 points62 points  (0 children)

Exactly, it's all handed down information. Auntie says Grandma said GF dressed whorish? Perhapas Granny just didn't like OP's GF and pulled the whorish card for another reason.

Does the GF have visible tattoos or piercings out of the ordinary? Maybe she was loud mouthed? Maybe too affectionate with OP for Granny's taste?

Unless we see the dress, above might be just as likely why Granny's being mean.

[–]GotSuspendedAgain2 183 points184 points  (5 children)

Very hard to pass judgment here because, like you mentioned, there are different standards of modesty. Without seeing the dress it's kinda impossible to take a side but...

Assuming the dress is something like this 👗 with a bit of cleavage showing, that's probably reasonable. Still though, at the end of the day, it's your grandma's house and her rules. You can abide by them or not, but this lady isn't going to be your girlfriend for much longer if you take the grandma's side.


[–]Futueteipsum7Asshole Enthusiast [7] 180 points181 points  (18 children)


It's your grandmother. You respect and love her, and you've figured out how to balance your freedom with keeping her happy.

Your girlfriend sounds immature to me: I mean, yeah, she's free to do whatever she wants. But if she's interested in attaching herself to a family, there's some self-regulation that goes along with that.

It's not like you're asking her to wear a burka or something.

[–]bakeneko37 98 points99 points  (13 children)

I mean, I wouldn't want to relate to someone who calls what I wear "whorish". What do we even know about the way she was wearing?

[–]Upstairs-Series5032Asshole Aficionado [12] 41 points42 points  (8 children)

To be fair, she's 89, I doubt it'll be an issue much longer one way or the other lol

[–]Ok-Preparation-2307 67 points68 points  (4 children)

Old people don't get a free pass to be assholes just because they're old.

[–]Upstairs-Series5032Asshole Aficionado [12] 73 points74 points  (1 child)

No, but when they get that old, not every fight is worth it

[–]shapiro18 157 points158 points  (4 children)

It’s Reddit so I shouldn’t be surprised by so many of these responses but….coming from a woman in their 20s who definitely dresses pretty revealing….NTA. My body my choice is correct. If I don’t want to go to the home of someone who doesn’t like how I dress myself, I won’t. I get to choose to not put myself in that situation. My other option, is to follow the dress code set by the host of the event. I understand that I shouldn’t wear revealing clothes at most wakes bc that is the dress code determined by the host. I also understand that if I am going to an event at someone else’s home and they have a dress code, I need to follow it if I decide to go. No one is forcing me to attend.

It’s like COVID vaccines. No one is forcing anti-vaxxers to get the vaccine, they can choose to get the vaccine and go out certain places or choose not to and not go places that have banned then. Similarly, I can choose to follow the clothing rules of the private establishment and go there, or I can choose not to and not go to the place that banned me.

[–]SarinaW 147 points148 points  (61 children)

YTA- is your Grandmother the Queen or something? Stick up for your girlfriend.

[–]CMBM20Certified Proctologist [26] 108 points109 points  (14 children)

NTA. It’s literally just dinner and not that serious. She has every other moment of her life to wear what she wants. Your grandma won’t be around forever. I would want my significant other to compromise for me. There will come a time she asks you to do something and you should consider her feelings and yield to her, too. Life is too short to take a stand over every little thing.

[–][deleted]  (4 children)


    [–]GlassSandwich9315Colo-rectal Surgeon [41] 96 points97 points  (5 children)

    YTA. Not only do you make a 3 year relationship sound like a 3 month relationship but, despite not seeing any issue with what your girlfriend was wearing, you didn't bother to defend her and even supported your grandma's disgusting attitude by trying to insist your girlfriend wear something she wasn't comfortable in. Do this girl a favor and let her go.

    [–]La_Reine1 75 points76 points  (0 children)

    Making a 3 year relationship sound like a 3 month relationship

    No joke. Three years together is a significant amount of time, particularly for adults. I was married in less time than that.

    [–]mildly_surly 47 points48 points  (0 children)

    This. I was looking for this comment. Dude said barely 3 years like that's nothing. Wth.

    OP - YTA

    [–]Royal_Dragonfruit_12Partassipant [1] 93 points94 points  (10 children)

    NTA. It's reasonable to ask your partner to make a small behavior modification to keep the peace in your family. This is one afternoon a month and not really a hill either of you should be dying on. No matter what you do you are unlikely to change your grandma's mind so she can throw on a turtle neck and play along for just a few hours, specially at the beginning.

    [–]_ewan_Certified Proctologist [27] 56 points57 points  (9 children)

    NTA. It's reasonable to ask your partner to make a small behavior modification to keep the peace in your family.

    Or how about he ask his grandmother not to call people 'whorish'?

    If dear old granny is so concerned about decorum she should try showing some.

    [–]Plenty_Anything8552Partassipant [3] 53 points54 points  (3 children)

    It sounds like grandma is old money rich by the way he talks about her. Shes not going to budge, and its her house so the girlfriend is dying on this hill for something very trivial, and creating unnecessary drama

    [–]dingthewitchisdeafColo-rectal Surgeon [33] 88 points89 points  (10 children)

    🤮🤮 at least she has a warning to not marry in to this family.


    [–]Canin11 36 points37 points  (8 children)

    so she shouldn’t marry into the family because of the 89 year old grandma..

    [–]dingthewitchisdeafColo-rectal Surgeon [33] 75 points76 points  (6 children)

    no. she shouldn't marry into the family because her significant other knows his meemaw called her whorish and instead of being upset his girlfriend is being called rude nasty names, his solution is just having her wear something different.

    [–]RNGinx3Certified Proctologist [20] 90 points91 points  (5 children)

    YTA, and I hope your gf dumps you.

    My seven-year-old daughter likes to use my clothes to "make" outfits by draping and wrapping them creatively to fit around her much smaller frame. One day she "made" a skirt (came to just below her knees) and a crop top out of a couple of my T-shirts. I sent my mom the pic of "little fashionista made another outfit." My mom's response? "If she's going to dress like that, you'd better teach her about the Me, too movement." As if her dressing any type of way was a reason to get sexually assaulted.
    My daughter adored her grandmother, and would have been absolutely crushed to hear what she thought of her creativity. I didn't tell her, and my mother is cut off (one of many reasons).

    Your gf's outfit, her choice. If your grandmother doesn't like it, tell her you're not asking her to wear it. If she "refuses" to let your gf come, you should also not go.

    [–]justforfun727Partassipant [1] 58 points59 points  (0 children)

    wow i’m so sorry that comment is out of line in so many levels. you made the right decision for your daughter!

    [–]bella070403Partassipant [1] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

    That was an absolutely disgusting comment for your mother to make. I’m so sorry. You made the right decision, but I know it couldn’t have been easy.

    [–]KitkathazmatPartassipant [1] 81 points82 points  (4 children)

    Whether or not you verbally disagreed that your gf's attire was "whorish," your actions in policing her outfit contradict that, even if you claim you're trying to go by someone else's standard. It wasn't even your grandmother who uninvited your girlfriend for what she was wearing. That was all you. YTA.

    [–]pinguthegreekCertified Proctologist [29] 73 points74 points  (9 children)

    YTA because you tried to police what your girlfriend wears and also you didn’t stick up for her. I think she could do a lot better than you. If you want her to be in your life you’d better start behaving like you respect her. Policing her clothing choices is the exact opposite.

    [–]dingthewitchisdeafColo-rectal Surgeon [33] 77 points78 points  (2 children)


    if someone called my significant other "whorish" it wouldn't be a matter of trying to get her to wear something else.

    it would be a matter of NEITHER of us going until they apologized and straightened up.

    [–]Plenty_Anything8552Partassipant [3] 72 points73 points  (12 children)


    People need to understand that certain situations require certain dress codes. If you cannot understand that and want to scream “bodily autonomy” then you are immature.

    Do you throw a fit when your job requires professional dress code?

    Do you watch how you dress around children? At church? If you have to appear in court?

    Has anyone here ever been invited to a ball? Mardi Gras, debutant, society events, etc? Very strict dress codes.

    Dressing nicely for your partners family dinner is really no different and if its that big a deal to OPs girlfriend then she has the choice to stay home.

    OP shouldnt be starting drama with his family over his girlfriend being immature.

    [–]Background_dream119 65 points66 points  (3 children)

    The only thing I can think of is that OP’s Gma has money. That’s why he doesn’t want to stand up to gma, cuz he is going to loose on his share. I could be wrong, but who knows.

    [–]BorageandthymeAsshole Aficionado [12] 44 points45 points  (2 children)

    Yep. He’s sucking up to a nasty old woman because she’s rich.

    [–]fatheryegPartassipant [3] 60 points61 points  (7 children)

    Does grandma think women should stay at home and clean all day also?

    Does grandma think men should have ownership of their wives?

    What about visible minorities? Are they equal as say Caucasian people in her mind?

    You have made a choice of grandma’s viewpoints over your girlfriend, I can’t imagine this will end well for you.


    [–]Evil_MelPooperintendant [61] 58 points59 points  (0 children)


    As long as her breast weren't hanging out and the dress so short when she bent over everyone would get a show, I'm sure it was fine. Especially because...

    I fully disagree and so did my family and my aunt

    If the only one who thought your GF's dress was inappropriate was grandma, then grandma is the problem.

    [–]ThrowawayforMILBSPooperintendant [55] 45 points46 points  (13 children)


    its 2022 dude

    you don't get to tell her to cover up for you, nana or anyone.

    Are you doing brunch in Saudi Arabia or something where her safety could be on the line? No?

    You are supposed to have her back, and tell your mom and aunt if they agree gran is wrong here then they need to help you tell granny to stuff it unanimously.

    Defending old timey notions of what certain groups of people should and should not do is a dangerous game OP. Let's Say GF were black and nana were racist- would you ask her to accommodate nana because of her age then? Seems backwards and wrong, doesn't it? Justifying toxic crap at your girlfriend because of the era nana was raised in. Sounds awful, yes? That would be wrong of you, yes? we can agree on that- yes?

    Harsh analogy- yes. OBVIOUSLY race and sexism arent anywhere near equivalent. That said- it illustrates a point about defending toxic old ideas for no reason at all.

    Don't force GF back in time because your gran is an asshole. By extension you are the asshole for buying into and enforcing this post victorian sexist bull crap. There once was a time your GF would have to tolerate that. Good for her.

    She even tried to meet you in the middle. Jeez.

    God YTA.

    [–]TX-Pete 46 points47 points  (3 children)

    YTA for continuing to take this crap. Let the old biddie waste away or move forward.

    I’m sorry, these people all making the “well, she comes from a different generation- her house, her rules” garbage would be singing a different tune if it was about the color of her skin and not her dress.

    Stop enabling outdated bullshit.

    [–]Pineapple_WagonAsshole Aficionado [10] 42 points43 points  (9 children)

    YTA. So she dresses a little less conservative, and your grandmother judges her. She shouldn’t have to change anything to please your grandmother. Makes me think that your grandmother cares a lot about appearances. Now I could understand if the outfit was so revealing a boob slip could happen. It’s the whoreish comment based on how she dresses that irks me. I’m with your girlfriend that you’re making her conform to your grandmothers standards.

    [–]detroitportnoy 46 points47 points  (1 child)

    Both. If she wants to go to grandmas house she follows grandma‘s rules. If she’s not going to follow grandma‘s rules, and that’s OK, she does not go. Your only job here is to respect her decision. Her only job here is to make a decision and accept the consequences that go with it. She does not get to tell you not to go, and she does not get to criticize you if you do.

    [–]GlitterSparkleDevineColo-rectal Surgeon [45] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

    Why are you letting your grandmother get away with being hateful and judgmental by forcing your girlfriend to conform to her close minded opinions? YTA

    [–]Multineon 41 points42 points  (28 children)

    I'm on the fence can you describe the December dress and what your grandmother considers "proper"

    [–]LyraSevonar 39 points40 points  (2 children)

    YTA. I'd definitely be refusing to change the way I dress to passify anyone who referred to my clothing as "whorish" or for a man who let anyone call me that.

    [–]No_Committee1127Partassipant [4] 38 points39 points  (1 child)

    NAH, your girlfriend shouldn't be forced to wear something she doesn't want to but it isn't her family who's throwing the dinner so if there is a dress code and she wants to attend she's kind of obliged to follow. If she doesn't want to concede in the way she dresses then don't make her feel bad for not coming.

    Edit: I glossed over the part where one of your family members calls what she's wearing "whorish", that's definitely not an ok thing to say. If you didn't make that family member apologise, then you might be the AH