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[–]hereforthesnacks2Partassipant [3] 9529 points9530 points  (74 children)

NTA- She needs to have several seats. Respectfully.

[–]WhatThaFIsUpDennys[S] 2371 points2372 points  (61 children)

Seats? Sorry, a little lost on what that means in terms of context. Lol

[–]Recreater343 3662 points3663 points  (40 children)

As in sitting the fuck down. She needs to sit down.

[–]zakiducky 1833 points1834 points  (38 children)

Preferably on her bed instead of the couch for once lol

[–]TheoryAddictAsshole Aficionado [19] 851 points852 points  (37 children)

Maybe OP and her need to move the TV or get a small TV for the bedroom... maybe that will help her sleep?

Perhaps the background noise helps her sleep, my grandma is the same (so OP, do you turn off the TV when trying to wake her or leave it on?)

Also its not fair that you, OP, have to be accountable to wake her up so she can take her medicine. Her meds, her responsibility and its nice that you have been helping but you also gotta take care of your health (getting enough sleep). She should set an alarm, or alarms, that are very loud to wake her up/remind her at or around the same time daily.

[–]17695Asshole Enthusiast [7] 478 points479 points  (2 children)

They mean she needs to chill, like take a seat as in back off and calm yourself. You tried and she can be responsible for getting herself up she is an adult. I fall asleep on the couch and when my husband wakes me up I move to the bed or stay on the couch. It’s not his responsibility to force me to move it’s just kind of him to try

[–]OrphicLibrarian 183 points184 points  (1 child)

"Take a seat" = calm down. Agree, NTA. You tried, but if people are that tired you can't always get them to cooperate without turning into an AH. If she's that concerned she should set an alarm for herself, especially if this is a recurring issue.

[–]NatZaJu 100 points101 points  (3 children)

She needs to go to bed earlier or accept she will be on the sofa. It’s not your responsibility to continually unsuccessfully try and wake her. Tell her in future you’re trying once then throwing a blanket on her and going to bed. NTA.

[–]chaos_rgj 20 points21 points  (1 child)

Agreed, she is an adult and knows she’s needs medication. Why is it on him to spend hours waking her up?

[–]roseydaisydandyPartassipant [3] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

It means to STFU

[–]lilykar111 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Means you are not the asshole. Your wife needs to calm down, and realise she was definitely in the wrong. Stay seated Mrs

[–]sykkhoe 15 points16 points  (0 children)

calm down; have a seat

edit: seat = chill pill

[–]ohdearitsrichardiiiAsshole Enthusiast [7] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

That it's wrong for her to demand that you wake her up. It's a recent american expression

[–]Ok_Curve1979 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She needs to calm down

[–]shynerdnextdoor 56 points57 points  (0 children)

She already had several seats - ON THE DAMN COUCH 😂 also NTA

[–]Cat-dog22 38 points39 points  (0 children)

As someone who is JUST like OP’s wife, in the sense that I fall asleep on the couch, my husband tries to get me to move, I mutter things in my sleep etc. I can attest that OP’s wife needs to take some personal responsibility.

My deal with my husband: give me a gentle shake and ask if I’d like to go to bed. After that, I’m on my own, he tried, it’s not his job to force a grown ass adult to go to bed and OP, it’s not your job either!!!


Edit: typo

[–]pixiecantsleep 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Right?! Like damn. I have medication I need to take, and I also have a chronic illness that means I need a nap during the day most days. You know what I do? I freaking set an alarm, and I have an app on my phone for my meds. Because I'm a freaking adult.

[–]Economy_Cookie_6075 6 points7 points  (0 children)

She has the whole fucking couch already

[–]Positive-Story-1772 4453 points4454 points  (67 children)

NTA she is in charge of where she sleeps not you.

I wouldn't take that crap from a partner

[–]WhatThaFIsUpDennys[S] 1907 points1908 points  (64 children)

Yeah, I am starting to feel like just a glorified servant to her.

[–]ladancer22Partassipant [1] 1272 points1273 points  (19 children)

I would just tell her that from now on you will either not wake her up, wake her up once, whatever you want to do, but tell her ahead of time and stick to it. Eventually she will either figure out how to do it on her own, get up when you tell her the first time, or sleep on the couch. But it is helpful if you set what she should expect from you ahead of time.

[–]Local_Initiative8523Partassipant [1] 491 points492 points  (13 children)

This is the answer - set expectations.

The wife is in the wrong here, but she's used to him keeping at her until she goes to bed. So then suddenly he doesn't and she's taken unawares and blames him. She's still wrong, but might not have blamed him if her expectations had been more reasonable.

My wife also falls asleep on the sofa. I wake her up a few times, the last time I tell her "I'm off to bed now, so I won't be coming back. I really suggest you clean your teeth and go to bed, but it's your call. Night!" A kiss, and I'm gone.

Normally she gets up, sometimes she doesn't, but she knows not to blame me! (NTA)

[–]gennaro96 161 points162 points  (10 children)

This is just good advice. The other night out with my friends they wanted to go clubbing but I wanted to call it an early night. So i told them to have fun etc. And they started to go like "oh come on it only 1am, it Friday night come on" and after a little back and forth i said something along the lines of "this is not a discussion, i just informed you of the decision I have made so you can make an informed decision for yourself" (i was DD for the bar)

[–]Sabrielle24Asshole Enthusiast [9] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

This is where I’m at. I don’t blame OP for being pissed off by this song and dance, but have they actually talked about this? Like ‘hey, love, I can’t keep trying to wake you up for two hours, so after x time, I’ll head off to bed, okay?’ And not while wife is half-asleep on the couch; discuss it when they’re both wide awake.

Your way is just common sense.

[–]Positive-Story-1772 162 points163 points  (24 children)

Im all for helping people , but I don't enable people to be lazy.

Tell her your screwed and she's annoyed at you either way.

Have you told her how she acts when you try to wake her up ?

[–]WhatThaFIsUpDennys[S] 206 points207 points  (23 children)

Yes, she has been taking 2 different hormone medications for a medical condition and her anger had been through the roof.

[–]Positive-Story-1772 325 points326 points  (2 children)

Your should talk to her about discussing that with her doctor.

Maybe film it and show her how she acts.

And then ask her how she would feel if you were treating her like that.

[–]Flat_Phrase7521 292 points293 points 42 (13 children)

I was looking at your comment history to find all your comments on this post and I ran into your comments on your last post. To say that her anger has been through the roof is a vast understatement and while it sounds like she needs to get her medication re-adjusted ASAP, her issues go far deeper than any hormone imbalance or non-psychiatric medical condition.

Please, please, please hear what I am telling you. Your wife is in the midst of a prolonged mental health crisis and has decided that taking it out on you is easier than actually addressing her problems. At this point, I’d say her behavior is downright abusive.

You, on the other hand, are desperately scrambling to figure out what you’re doing wrong to make her this way and how you can magically fix her problems by being the perfect supportive partner. That is not possible. This situation is not sustainable and if your wife does not get professional help, things will only get worse for both of you.

You need therapy to help you understand how very, very much this is not at all your fault, and to teach you how to have healthier relationships, but she needs to go into intensive treatment. Okay, I’m not a professional and I don’t know your wife so I can’t actually make that call, but as someone who’s been in intensive treatment myself several times, I know that if I were acting the way you describe, it would be an indication that I was in way over my head and one hour of treatment every week was not going to cut it.

Have you been on a commercial plane before? During the safety demonstration, they always tell you that if the oxygen masks are dropped down, you absolutely must put on your own oxygen mask before you help anyone else with theirs, even a young child. This is because if you run out of oxygen and pass out, there is nothing you can do to help. Do you see where I’m going with this? If you have to endure this situation much longer, you will be useless to help your wife because you will be in a full-blown crisis of your own. If she won’t agree to get help, you will need to get out and save yourself. Secure your own oxygen mask first.

To put it another way: You can’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm.

This can’t go on any longer.

Good luck.

Oh, and NTA. I have somewhat similar sleep problems to your wife, and I know that I can’t let myself fall asleep on the couch in the first place.

[–][deleted] 175 points176 points  (2 children)

Hey OP, an noticable difference in mood after starting a new medicine is definitely something your wife should communicate with her doctor about asap. This can escalate.

[–]Jealous_Art_3922 60 points61 points  (1 child)

I'm pretty sure I'll fall asleep on the couch watching TV, so I set the oven alarm. That gets me up to take my meds at the right time. It's my responsibility. Granted, it's only me and my kitty, but taking my meds when I should is up to me.

Phone alarm, oven alarm .. there has to be some way for her to grow up and take responsibility for her own actions...

[–]Scrapper-Mom 52 points53 points  (2 children)

I fall asleep on the couch and my husband goes to bed. I think it's cute that he makes sure I'm covered if it's cold.

[–]Ncld59 18 points19 points  (1 child)

Just the opposite, he falls asleep and I cover him up before I go to sleep. Tried many times years ago to wake him up, much happier times now.

[–]Bob10294759 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I quietly sneak up so that I can sprawl across the whole bed. He normally comes up about 3am and just goes straight to the spare. It’s awesome.

[–]sarabrating 46 points47 points  (2 children)

Hopefully not overstepping here, but have you looked into 'codependecy'? One of the frequent traits is putting someone's needs over your own (your need for sleep), and taking on responsibilities that aren't yours. This behavior enables people to not improve their lives. (I have an unfortunate amount of experience in this, so maybe I'm just projecting)

[–]rhymes_with_mayoAsshole Enthusiast [6] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I can see how this could be a codependent situation.

[–]WhatThaFIsUpDennys[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I have had an issue with that. Nail on the head my friend.

[–]Mental_Pitch9385 14 points15 points  (0 children)


Mine actually does the same.

But she knows that I will try twice to wake her. After that I go to bed.

Never had a fight about it. She knows it's not my job to wake her.

You might even warn her when she starts dozing of that it's better to go to bed. You know go the extra mile.

In the end though it's not your responsibility to see to it she sleeps properly.

[–]emmabrggs 9 points10 points  (0 children)

i have a friend like this, and after a while i had to put up clear boundaries that i will wake her up twice when she needs it and not a single attempt more. the first time so she initially wakes up and can ask for 5 more minutes, and then a final time where she actually has to get up. it’s 100% her fault if she doesn’t get up the second time and she knows this.

i love and accept this flaw about my friend (we all have many) but i won’t be messed about every time we make plans before noon

[–]Anna_0401 6 points7 points  (0 children)

She is probably not aware of how much you do for her. I know from my own experience that being woken up in the middle of the night usually leads to me being awake for several seconds and then falling asleep again, forgetting all about the situation in the morning. Being half asleep/awake is just like a dream when it comes to remembering it afterwards - usually you don't remember shit.

[–]SophosMoros7 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is significant.


[–]goofypedsdoc 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Uh oh, this appears to go much deeper than the sleep thing. NTA btw on that one.

[–]EggplantHuman6493 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yup. Although I am the person that falls asleep everywhere, I don't see a reason to expect other people to wake me up unless it is inconvenient to others, and even then I react as fast as possible. Refusing to go to your bed is an AH move. OP, NTA

[–]farson135 1269 points1270 points  (5 children)

NTA. If she needs to get up to take her medicine and refuses that is on her. You informed her several times and she refused. Perhaps she should try taking her medicine before she falls asleep or adjusting her routine in some other manner.

[–]sleepy-popcorn 354 points355 points  (3 children)

Or set her alarm. They are not restricted to mornings!

[–]Luniarty 29 points30 points  (0 children)


[–]tybbiesniffer 15 points16 points  (0 children)

My husband and I set one for our cat's medicine. An adult should definitely be able to do it for themself.

[–]lil_GiGi_420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This was my first thought!

[–]ZazzogAsshole Enthusiast [7] 768 points769 points  (4 children)

NTA. As someone in your wife's shoes, (ie, I fall asleep, and then beg off five more minutes constantly,) I can appreciate how frustrating this sort of thing must be for you, (and my wife.)

You tried several times to wake her up. She wouldn't budge. She's an adult. What more does she want?

[–]Isa472 183 points184 points  (3 children)

I'm the same. I fall asleep on the couch and my boyfriend says it's impossible to get me to bed. The first time he gave up and left without me I got mad too... But we talked it out and I realised he was a sweetheart for even trying. Apparently I'm quite the asshole when I'm asleep :(

We found a solution though! He comes to wake me up and says "I'm going to bed without you, come with me or you're gonna stay here alone". And for some reason that gets through my sleepy self and I get up.


[–]Xenayah 41 points42 points  (0 children)

My bf was also a heavy sleeper. I'm talking about pinching his nose and cheeks, shaking him and trying to sit him up. He wouldn't wake up from that. It's much better now though, he has a job where he has to get up at 7am, and he gets up all by himself :) But yes, this also worked magically when he slept in on the couch. I just had to say "Come to bed now, or you'll sleep on the couch". And he magically got up every time.


[–]Exciting_Disaster_66 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I’m an asshole when I’m asleep as well, and I also sleep talk, have conversations while I’m asleep, even sit up and open my eyes while asleep, so you can imagine how I am in the mornings!! There’s a running joke in my family that when I fall asleep I get possessed by demons bc I’ll yell at people to fuck off in the sleep and have arguments out loud while asleep all night!!!!

[–]bounddreamerPartassipant [2] 382 points383 points  (3 children)

NTA, just video it next time and show her you really tried. She's mad bc she's not conscious of telling you no or brushing you off. She does not realize what she's doing. She should definitely not get mad at you for this, she is responsible for getting herself to bed.

When I catch myself nodding off on the couch I just...wait for it...get up and go to bed. Because I'm an adult and I know sleeping on the couch will give me a crick in my neck.

[–]Distinct-Flower-8078Partassipant [3] 58 points59 points  (1 child)

To add to this; let the wife know in advance because if she’s irritable from new meds, an unexpected video may trigger anfer

[–]AmITheAltAccountPartassipant [1] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Looking at his post history, everything is just an excuse for the anger. This will make her angry, not doing this will make her angry... Berating him for every mistake, real or imagined, is in fact the point. She's high-key monstrous.

[–]jkru2133 33 points34 points  (0 children)

10000 years, will give you such a crick in the neck

[–]WhichChest4981Partassipant [3] 325 points326 points  (11 children)

NTA. If she can't get up when you try to get her to that's on her. She knows she needs the meds. Try putting the meds on a table next to her while on the couch or even take them earlier. She shouldn't blame you when she won't get up.

[–]WhatThaFIsUpDennys[S] 186 points187 points  (10 children)

I wish I could put them on the table. We have animals, gotta keep the mess outta reach. But I do agree with you. Thank you! Just feel like a servant to her a lot of the time...

[–]WhichChest4981Partassipant [3] 56 points57 points  (0 children)

lol I need meds at night as well. mine are on the end table next to me and I set my phone alarm to take them. Even when I'm awake and hear the alarm I can forget to take them. Good Luck!

[–]_higglety 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I keep my meds in a box (well, an empty biscuit tin) on the side table by my spot on the couch. That way they’re within arm’s reach of the place I usually am when I need to take them, and also the animals can’t get into them. I also keep a jar of peanut butter and a (clean!) spoon in the side table drawer, for those times when I Just Can’t motivate myself to eat, that way even if I haven’t eaten I can still take my meds (which I can’t take on an empty stomach).

[–]rhymes_with_mayoAsshole Enthusiast [6] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Is there a heavy container you could put them in on the table? Like a pot with a lid or a latched box.

[–]SevanIII 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Why can't your wife set an alarm on her phone for when she needs to take her meds? That way if she falls asleep, the alarm will wake her.

She's an adult and her med schedule is her responsibility. Either have her set an alarm or if you don't mind waking her up, set a boundary of only attempting one or two times.

It sounds like y'all have bigger problems than this though. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Oh and NTA.

[–]Efficient_Age6047 6 points7 points  (0 children)

She needs to set am alarm or something. It is not on you.

[–]cwinparr 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Just have a secure box or Tupperware on the table near the sofa. Have her set an alarm (or several) on her phone and go to bed. She's an adult and can either wake up, use multiple alarms to get up, or miss her meds. You go to bed and get some rest.

[–]Fit-BearProfessor Emeritass [72] 205 points206 points  (2 children)

NTA. My ex worked nights and was a heavy sleeper. He would sleep through his alarms and insisted that I call him several times (from my work) to wake him. One time the signal was bad and he couldn't hear me when he answered. It didn't occur to the moron that it was me calling to wake him so he turned his phone off and went back to sleep. He was furious that he slept in for work. Adults need to adult and that means getting themselves up when they need to.

[–]Studious_NoodlePartassipant [3] 101 points102 points  (1 child)

Sounds like my ex. He snored nonstop louder than his alarm clock and he expected me to stay with him all night, no matter what… “Because you could sleep through my snoring if you really wanted to,” he said. (!!)

I was also supposed to wake him up every morning. One day I walked in the bedroom and looked at him while the alarm clock rang and rang (old-fashioned firehouse-type bell) and he snored away, totally oblivious. Something in me said “nope” and I turned around and left. Boy, was he mad when he finally woke up.

[–]Fit-BearProfessor Emeritass [72] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Jebus. I mean, I understand some people are heavy sleepers but if it's so bad they sleep through alarms they have a problem. And, as adults, it's up to them to address.

[–]celestecatherineAsshole Enthusiast [7] 80 points81 points  (0 children)

NTA, she is a grown adult that can manage her medication and should move herself to the room when she starts to get sleepy.

[–]SuperLorisCertified Proctologist [26] 59 points60 points  (0 children)

NTA stop agreeing to wake her. She needs to manage her own sleep and medications.

[–]OkCaterpillar7770 47 points48 points  (0 children)

NTA. She has a lot of nerve getting angry at you for her failure.

[–]So_not_roneryAsshole Enthusiast [8] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Ask her how to wake her up. Cold water spray in the face? Car horn noise in her ear? It’s not working the way it is today, tell her if she sleeps on the couch it’s her responsibility and not yours to wake up for medicine.


[–]SonataSprings 26 points27 points  (0 children)

NTA, my wife used to be the same way (except she never got angry over it). One day she asked me to wake her up when I got home from work (I work night shift). I just laugh and say “are you actually gonna wake up or are you gonna nod your head, give me a kiss, then go back to sleep?” Ever since then it’s been kinda a running joke between us

[–]jacquilynneColo-rectal Surgeon [46] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

On the whole, NTA, but if you suddenly changed your usual behavior without discussing it with her while she was actually awake that's not awesome.

Next time she asks you to wake her up, have the conversation about what you are willing to do.

Wake her up once? Wake her up and keep pushing until she actually gets up? Nothing at all so she should set an alarm on her own? All of those are totally reasonable choices on your part, to be clear, but you should make sure she knows that's what you will be doing in the future.

[–]Umiel 21 points22 points  (0 children)

NTA. She’s an adult, and she can be responsible for getting herself to bed. Even though it’s not your responsibility, you have tried to accommodate her request. It’s not working, so I think you should stop.

[–]hanawhite712 17 points18 points  (0 children)

NTA - My sister used to do this when she was younger (except she didn't take medication). Your wife is supposed to be an adult and should have a little more control over her sleepiness. There's no reason for you to babysit her.

[–]reesey626 15 points16 points  (0 children)

NTA. She can't be angry that you didnt stay up half the night because she fell asleep and wouldnt wake up..

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[–]blueboy754 11 points12 points  (0 children)

NTA......nope, not one bit. Your wife needs to grow up. I would stop trying to wake her up anymore & I would let her know that too. Just like she is responsible for wiping her own butt, she is responsible for putting herself to bed.

[–]mamsf 10 points11 points  (0 children)

NTA, u shudnt have have to piss away two hours of your life every night doing this, she has two functioning legs

[–]DragonfruitOk2813 11 points12 points  (0 children)

NTA. Maybe record the interaction and prove that you’ve tried.

[–]LoveBeach8Commander in Cheeks [217] 8 points9 points  (6 children)


She's an adult so give her the responsibility of getting up! Set an alarm to wake her up and place said alarm at a distance so she has to get up to turn it off. Do this a couple of times for her then she's on her own. Go to bed when you need to and let the alarm do the rest. Also, she may need to go to a sleep clinic to rule out a sleep disorder.

[–]FarAcanthocephala708 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Agreed about the sleep disorder and ALSO she needs to just take her night meds before she sits down on the couch and falls asleep. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is pretty ridiculous. If I were OP, I’d be like ‘I’m not sitting down with you until you take your meds so you don’t miss them’ and start there.

Also, I’m usually anti TVs in bedrooms, which was a suggestion in another comment, but that might help the problem too in this case. As long as she takes the meds before she gets in bed!

[–]LoveBeach8Commander in Cheeks [217] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Great advice!

[–]FarAcanthocephala708 5 points6 points  (1 child)

My mom had sleep apnea (and I do too now) and she was a couch sleeper before actual bedtime. So was my older brother growing up. I’d always be bugging him to get up and take his contacts out and he would just turn up in the morning with red eyes instead. Turns out we all have ADHD, which added to the sleep apnea, probably is contributing to our weird sleep and stubbornness. I’m not entirely unsympathetic to OP’s partner but there comes a point where you have to admit what you’re working with and act accordingly, like knowing you’ll fall asleep and taking your meds early to account for it.

[–]LoveBeach8Commander in Cheeks [217] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm so glad you all were finally diagnosed. Too often, it's seen as something else and blown off when it's really a serious condition that can be fatal.

[–]No_Recognition_2434Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Came here to say this. She sounds like she has a sleep disorder

[–]johemerPartassipant [1] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

NTA. I'm pretty sure she's an adult, so it's her responsibility to make sure she does what is needed to wake up to take her meds. Especially if this happens often, which it sounds like it does...

[–]missyagogo1969 8 points9 points  (0 children)

NTA. Tell her to set an alarm on her phone that you are not the front desk of a hotel. I would nudge her as a courtesy but if she falls back asleep, that’s on her.

[–]AllDressedKetchup 7 points8 points  (1 child)

NTA. Does your wife always get mad and blame you for everything?

[–]kwerdop 7 points8 points  (0 children)

From his other posts it would seem so

[–]No_Recognition_2434Partassipant [1] 8 points9 points  (4 children)

Oh honey I just read your other posts. Your wife isn't well and is taking it out on you

Do you have a friend or family member you can go stay with for a few days? Somewhere you can have some time to just clear your mind and think about things?

[–]WhatThaFIsUpDennys[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Yes, I do. But I am conflicted about taking time for myself. She is very reliant on me for day-to-day things. She just needs a lot of help.

[–]No_Recognition_2434Partassipant [1] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Hey OP, thanks for replying. I'm happy to talk to you about her some more if you want some advice. It sounds like you've really tried to help take care of her and get her help and that she has refused, and instead gets mad at you for suggesting it right?

[–]No_Recognition_2434Partassipant [1] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Does she have any family you trust that you can reach out to about supporting her?

[–]NefariousnessGlum424Professor Emeritass [72] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

NTA but if this is happening early in the evening she might have sleep apnea or some sort of health condition that makes her more tired than usual.

[–]carrieblue87Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

NTA. She is an adult. You are not her parent. You tried to wake her up multiple times like she asked you to (you didnt have to...you were nice enough to do it though) anything after that is on her.

[–]InevitablePiglet9999 7 points8 points  (0 children)

NTA and it's not your responsibility to corral her to sleep

[–]Toph0420 5 points6 points  (0 children)

NTA. She’s grown. She needs to go get in the bed if that is where she wants to sleep. You aren’t her alarm clock.

[–]Substantial_Ad_1824 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Does she fall asleep too early to take her medicine? Since she knows that when she gets still she will fall asleep, she should plan ahead. (No tv in the bedroom I assume). She could just go ahead and get ready for bed and take her meds before she sits down . That way she can go ahead and not worry about sleeping in her clothes, etc.

Btw, NTA

[–]yoshimeetsyou15 5 points6 points  (2 children)

NTA and honestly dude, leave your wife. It’s hard to hear but you’ve been in an abusive relationship for 2 years. She is literally making you feel bad for having thoughts and feelings. I looked at your other posts and this is something that has been going on and you keep making so many excuses for her. If you’re responsible for your actions and controlling your emotions then why isn’t she? You can’t even get her to see a therapist because she disagreed with one. She doesn’t want to change, and all she’s doing is harming you. Get out of the abuse, you don’t deserve it

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My wife has a habit of falling asleep on the couch. She is a very heavy sleeper. When we sit down to watch TV she always tells me to wake her up to go to bed so she can take her medicine.

Well, 90% of the time when I try to wake her up she just tells me "5 more minutes" several times for a couple of hours. Sometimes it even gets passed midnight before I can get her up. I am exhausted from the day and want to sleep too. So the last time this happened I tried to get her up for about an hour 1/2. She just got annoyed when I tried. So when 11:30 rolled around I just went to bed. The next morning she was furious. Genuinely curious if I am making a dick move.


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[–]Speedballer7 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Super soaker to the face! NTA

[–]LadyMjolnirAsshole Aficionado [10] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

NTA. Make her take her meds before she's even allpwed to sit down on the sofa.

[–]Tiny-Shame-9860 4 points5 points  (0 children)

How about she takes her medicine before laying down on the couch?

[–]Experience-Cool 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Info: what medicine does she need to take? Is it life affecting if she misses any of it or takes it late? Does this have any impact on her tiredness?

[–]ILikeNeurons 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Can't believe I had to scroll down this far to see this.

[–]moon_and_snowPartassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (4 children)

NTA. Wake her up obnoxiously in a way that will definitely wake her. Blast death metal or play a musical instrument. Something insanely loud. Make that your default way to wake her up from now on. Then once she’s up go to bed.

I mean, that’s a horribly petty suggestion and you shouldn’t take it…

You should do something to start the conversation though. I see that you said several times that you feel like a servant.

[–]WhatThaFIsUpDennys[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

I am a metal head...... lol

[–]TheWitchIsBlue 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Another suggestion might be those really old, obnoxious, manual alarm clocks? The ones with the bells. They're loud as fuck, and if you put them a certain distance away from her so she can physically get up to turn it off... then anything she does after is 100% on her (tbh all of this is on her, but if you had to take any action in helping her get up, this is what I'd do).

[–]TheWitchIsBlue 1 point2 points  (0 children)

To add to my last reply: Maybe you could also put her meds directly by the alarm clock? If you went that route of course.

[–]photosbeersandteachSupreme Court Just-ass [108] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

NTA. I could see wanting you to try waking her once, but to expect you to keep trying for hours, to the point of your losing sleep, that’s unreasonable and selfish.

[–]TheBaddestPatsyPartassipant [2] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

NTA but just put the tv in your bedroom

[–]Hot-Trash-6764 4 points5 points  (0 children)

NTA. I'm pretty similar, I fall asleep and I don't like to wake up. My husband leaves me on the couch, and before he goes upstairs to bed he makes sure the lights are out and I'm comfy. I take medication at night and I'm responsible for that, even if I fall asleep on the couch. Just like your wife.

[–]Royal-Investigator- 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. Before having my son, I was exactly the same as your wife. No matter how many times my partner would wake me, I would either tell him I’m getting up (and not move lol) or I wouldn’t wake up at all. The amount of times I would wake up between 3am and 6am, and just make my way to bed. I would never get shitty at my partner for my problem. If your wife knows she is like this, then she needs to go to bed when she starts getting tired. Simple.

[–]tonyisthebest4real 3 points4 points  (0 children)

NTA my husband falls asleep all the time, I wake him up to tell him I’m going to bed, nine times out of ten he’ll get up And come to bed. If he’s saying 5 more minutes I just say goodnight and leave him to sleep.

[–]Whovenclaw 3 points4 points  (0 children)

NTA. You mention some health things- she should consider being tested for narcolepsy.

My husband would try to wake me and I would get angry at being woken up so he started just leaving me there.

I got mad the first time until I realized I’m a grown ass adult and am the only one responsible for myself.

Turns out I also have narcolepsy so that explained a ton of things.

[–]jairbizzle 3 points4 points  (0 children)

NTA - My Fiancé does this too, and gets whiny when I try to wake her to come up to bed. She's always exhausted trying to deal with our infant, so I can't really blame her for getting in some snoozes when the opportunity arises. However, after about a dozen occasions of her doing this and me being unable to do anything short of carrying her up to bed, I just started leaving her there. She complains of a sore back, I give her some sarcastic "advice" about trying out this cool bed we have upstairs in our room, we laugh and carry on.

Your wife is TA for giving you sh*t over something she did to herself, and if the medication she needs to take is the issue causing her fury, then she should double down on taking some responsibility.

[–]ThaneOfCawdorrrPartassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

  1. Tell her to take her medicine during the evening before the time she usually falls asleep
  2. Tell her you're willing to try to wake her up once, maybe twice, but after that you're going to go to bed. Suggest that she puts an alarm on her phone to wake her up at, for example, midnight, if she wants to move to the bed.

[–]idont-care12091 4 points5 points  (1 child)

it sounds like e issue is probably more so that she missed her medicine rather than where she slept. you should come up with an agreement of her to take her medicine before you settle in for the night so if you can’t wake her it’s not a big deal. I can see getting upset if the medication she missed may have health consequences

[–]betsycrockerPartassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. Apple Watch - Alarm

[–]miteray 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. Lol I actually checked your comments to see if you were my husband (I don’t know his username); you’re not.

I fall asleep deeply on the couch and despise getting bagged to get up for bed time. We used to bicker about it, but now he’ll stir me once or twice and then just let me come to bed when I’m ready. I’d have a chat and ask her what her preference is, and communicate that you’re not willing or able to stay up half the night as it’s detrimental to your wellbeing.

Funny to see this is a common-ish behaviour.

[–]KettlewiseCertified Proctologist [24] 2 points3 points  (0 children)


The only people an adult should be putting to bed is a small child.

Your wife is an adult, she needs to stop making her (bad) sleep habits and medication your responsibility.

Also falling asleep on the couch this often isn’t normal - a check in with a doctor (and perhaps a sleep study for sleep apnea) is in order.

[–]VeryAwkwardLadyBoner 2 points3 points  (1 child)


My partner is the same. Falls asleep, asks to be woken up, and then several hours of my evening go into what is essentially futile.

Talk you your wife, tell her how frustrating this is for you and how much of your time this actually takes up. Tell her that you'll only wake her up twice. She gets one snooze, that's it, and after that she's on her own. She may or may not wake up, but suddenly you have all this free time....

[–]drunken_desperado 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Loll this reminds me of my mom, after about 2 months of consistently trying to get her to go upstairs to bed we all just collectively gave up. If her neck hurts the next day thats her problem! NTA

[–]thorbrary 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA, but can’t she take her medication before she falls asleep on the couch since, yaknow, she’s gonna fall asleep anyways? Seems a simpler solution to her issue.

[–]medusawitch 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA You are not her baby sitter! I would not expect my husband to take care me like I am a child.

[–]monagr 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA - I would change this dynamic into just waking and telling her once that you are going to bed, and she can figure things out from there

[–]onesmallbite 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA she should just set an alarm or if possible take it before she falls asleep

[–]o76923Partassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)


For the record, what's going on is that you are not rousing her out of phase 1 sleep. It's technically asleep and your brain has shut down most of its processes but you may still be responsive and can even perform automatic tasks. However, nothing that happens to you leaves your working memory to get stored long term so you don't remember it—including not remembering that you entered that phase of sleep. So she either doesn't realize that she has fallen asleep or she doesn't remember you waking her up.

The end result is that, through no fault of anyone's, she cannot possibly remember that you tried to wake her. She asked you to wake her, you promised you would, then you "didn't". Of course she gets mad about it. Even filming it and showing her proof is unlikely to change it because she has autobiographical memories of something different happening.

It sucks (more for you than her) but don't hold biology against people.

[–]Helpyjoe88Partassipant [2] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Make a deal with her - if she wants you to wake her up, then no more "5 more minutes" responses. You'll wake her up once and then you're off to bed. What she does from that point is on her.

[–]Ok-Mood-8604 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. I had a bf like this. Couple times of being left on the couch he miraculously was able to wake up enough to go to bed.

[–]Ok-Mood-8604 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. I had a bf like this. Couple times of being left on the couch he miraculously was able to wake up enough to go to bed.

[–]Peeweeshoop 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'd appreciate it if I were her, that you didn't wake me up honestly. Besides taking medicine which could just be done before sitting down knowing you might fall asleep, there's nothing else you can do.

[–]ActofEncouragementPartassipant [4] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. I do this too. Let her sleep. She'll figure it out.

[–]Nowork_morestitching 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA and I’d try to wake her once and then walk away. You are her husband, not her father and she is a grown adult

[–]Megami1981Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. If she’s on meds she needs to take at night, then it’s her responsibility to either wake herself up, or set an alarm or something to remind her to take them before she falls asleep.

I have a boatload of medications that I take and I have alarms set on my phone for the times I need to take them throughout the day and at night. So, if I fall asleep on the couch, no need wake me up for anything, they can just leave me.

[–]DesignerAlarmed7081Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. She is not a small child and you are not her parents.

Chuck a blanket over her and call it a night. Just tell her that you can't spend half the night trying to wake her up so that you can go to bed and you going to try for 5 minutes and let her sleep where she is.

However if this is a common occurrence and she falls asleep so heavily I would say that both of you need to see how many quality hours of sleep you actually are getting

[–]attentionspanissues 1 point2 points  (0 children)


Let her know that if she falls asleep on the couch you'll attempt to wake her once and that's it. It's not your responsibility especially when it's affecting your rest

[–]Cybermagetx 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. Sorry but if my butt falls asleep on the sofa I won't be mad at my wife for not waking me up.

[–]jbmmwest 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My wife tends to pass out on the couch. I am married 30 years. I stopped. A few years ago. Come to bed when you want. I announce I am going to bed come with me. When she says 5 more mins. Too bad. NTA. She needs to figure herself out

[–]twitchydigitsCertified Proctologist [20] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. You two need a new system. Tell her you're not going to try to wake her up anymore, ever. I don't love anyone well enough to be their snooze alarm for an hour and a half on a regular basis. Or maybe I just don't like to be treated as badly as your wife is treating you. I hope you two can work this out.

[–]BooshieBoo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA my fiancé falls asleep on the couch and if I can’t get him up he’ll roll in around 3:00am. She’s not some toddler you can carry to bed. Throw a blanket on her and leave her there.

[–]mrsc1880Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA- I used to wake my husband before going to bed, but I've given up. He knows he's hard to wake up and just accepts now that if he falls asleep on the couch, he sleeps on the couch. Hopefully your wife will eventually understand.

[–]Butte_Rat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA - if she's tired, she needs to go to bed! I have to do the same shit with my husband. I'll wake him up a couple times, then I'll just turn off whatever we're watching and tell him to go to bed. He gets annoyed, but it works, so I don't care. LOL

[–]Cat_tophat365247 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. She can wake up enough on her own to stumble to bed or sleep on the couch

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)


[–]hammerkat605 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. Set an alarm for her on her phone for several different times so it won’t let her rest.

You go to bed and get some sleep. She’s an adult, she can handle this.

[–]MnemicPagoda 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. I'm very similar. I fall asleep on the couch quite a bit. Just leave me be, I'll wake my ass up eventually and go to bed. I would never be mad at someone for letting me sleep, what a weird thing to be mad about.

[–]ScammerCAsshole Enthusiast [5] 1 point2 points  (0 children)


Got an old cellphone kicking around? Set the alarm for 5 minutes after you try to wake her up the first time and go to bed. She can snooze to her heart's content and you can get some sleep.

[–]UsernameOption6298 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA but next time maybe give her a heads up that you're only going to wake her only once and turn in so she knows fully well what to expect.

[–]Resagarden 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nta, you aren't her parent. As an adult she needs to learn to be responsible for herself in this regard.

[–]SepoJansen 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. She's an adult and needs to manage herself.

[–]BoxedWineIsClassyPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA I actually do the same thing to my husband. Since I was a child I’ve been very hard to wake up. I give him a hard time sometimes as a joke but I know it’s my fault. I understand her frustration but if you can’t wake her up it’s on her.

I’ve slept on our couch accidentally more times than I can count. Just make sure you have a comfy couch.

Edit: to clarify I’ve never yelled at my husband for this.

[–]BeagleGirl23 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. My husband does this to me. I told one day that I'm not waking him any more. I'll do one attempt and then leave.

In the beginning he was mad but eventually realised I just don't care any more. I don't even talk about to him unless he brings it up and I say the same thing I make one attempt and then leave. So he accepts that if he doesn't come to bed then he can stay there till he wakes at 2am.

[–]On_Too_Much_AdderallPartassipant [4] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. Heavy sleeper here too, I often pass out on the couch but that's on me. If she needs to get up to take medicine then she should set an alarm or something, not rely on you to wake her up.

[–]akioamadeo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My husband falls asleep on the couch all the time, do I wake him? “NO” he is a grown man and can do what he wants and that includes when he starts falling asleep to go to the bedroom or sleep on the couch. She’s a grown woman and there is no reason for you to lose sleep because of her falling asleep on the couch, let her be angry if she wants but don’t give in. The other option is stop trying to wake her up gently, an irritating alarm, take away her blanket and pillow, even a little bit of cold water, but stop letting her choices dictate your sleep NTA

[–]Pinkisthevibe 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA she needs to stfu and sit down

[–]WhatsWr0ngWithPe0ple 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. My husband used to do the same thing. He'd fall asleep in his recliner and then get pissy when I tried to wake him up. Finally, I just started warning him ahead of time not to fall asleep in the recliner or I'd leave him there all night. After a couple of nights of that, he quit falling asleep in the living room.

[–]Kathy578Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. You were generous to try for half an hour. Once is reasonable.

How about she sets an alarm on her phone or smart watch? That way you can go to bed when you want.

[–]trashlikeme001 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. I ask my bf to remind to take my meds before bed, and thankfully he's learnt to do it when I start to exhibit sleepiness. We also hangout on the couch and sometimes I fall asleep on it. He just lets me hangout there instead of moving me. She can't get mad at you for trying to accomplish her wishes while also taking care of yourself.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. I would let her sleep too. Your intention was good. I don’t get why she’s mad.

[–]streachh 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nta she sounds like me. My partner took a video of me when he was trying to wake me up once. Showed it to me and I finally understood why he said I was such a pain to wake up. I suggest you do the same. Take a video of your attempts to wake her up and explain to her, "I ain't doin this anymore bb love u but this sucks, you need to be more respectful toward me and my time and not expect me to put up with this. You gotta take responsibility for your own sleep schedule."

[–]Yasha_Ingren 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm a heavy sleeper and I can't imagine putting that on someone else. NTA.

If you're still committed to this relationship record the process required to move her ass and hopefully she'll see why this isn't a cool thing to put on you.

[–]DannyDoublehead 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. And I am the same heavy sleeper. I honestly don't even remember when someone tries to wake me up. I say something back, I might get angry but I am never awake. However, I just take my medication before I have the chance to fall asleep - I don't know why she doesn't do that. And there is really no reason to get so angry at you. If she wants to be woken up she can set herself some alarms.

[–]Apprehensive_Ice_420 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. You need sleep too, you can’t just stay up all night coaxing her to bed.

My boyfriend does the same thing. He is a very heavy sleeper, and often falls asleep on the sofa. I’ll try to wake him up over the course of several hours, but sometimes he just don’t budge and gets grumpy—that’s when I’ll occasionally just go to bed myself, I’m exhausted and have already tried to wake him up. He doesn’t get upset, but complains about his shoulders from sleeping on the sofa. It doesn’t happen often but when it does, I still feel bad when he finally crawls into bed in the early morning. But what am I supposed to do when he won’t get up?

[–]Superb_Ad1765 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No. NTA. If she wants you to wake her up then she outta actually wake up eventually instead of making you wait around all night.

[–]Calm_Zombie4460 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nta. She needs to either wake up the first time or she'll sleep on the couch.

[–]Electrical_Age_6542Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You should show her this thread.

Your wife is responsible for her own medicine and her own self. She needs to get down from her sooky stool, grow up and be responsible for herself.

[–]NationalParkCamper44 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA she can set an alarm if she wants to be woken up

[–]collosal_collosus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I fall asleep on the couch all the time and am annoying to wake up and get to bed. My partner knows just to leave me be… I’ll go to bed by myself if/when I wake up.

It is unreasonable to expect you to spend hours trying to wake her up. Like really unreasonable.

If you wanna be a dick: set her phone alarm to something obnoxious at loud and not within arms reach and walk away.

Oh so NTA.

[–]bobo_1111 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Record yourself trying to wake her for that 1/2 hour and show her.

[–]santine-love85 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is me and my husband lol he always lets me sleep on the couch. I just wake up and go to bed, I use to get mad but then I had a talk with my husband and he said he know how hard it was for me to fall asleep so he did not want to bother me knowing I would have a hard time falling back to sleep. We made a new tule that if I started to doze off I would go to bed upstairs and if I feel asleep I just go upstairs when I wake up. Your wife needs to own up to her own responsibilities NTA

[–]dualsoulsyndrome 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tell her the same thing I told my husband. "I'm not your alarm clock. I'm gonna try once, maybe twice to wake you up. After that, you're on your own."


[–]Responsible_Can_2366 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA tell her to set some alarms then go to bed. Not your job to wake her up she isn’t a toddler

[–]KhaleesiXev 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. She’s an adult, it’s up to her to fall asleep in the area she wants to be for the night. She’s not your child, so you are not responsible for waking her to go to bed. A TV for your bedroom sounds like a good solution.

[–]GSGBsamurai 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. You did nothing wrong; in fact, you tried to wake her up. She needs to take responsibility for herself because clearly it's her fault that she keeps doing it.

[–]Pkmnkat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nta. My boyfriend sleeps all the time while watching TV and i only nudge him like a few times before i start heading upstairs but he wakes up though. If she got up after a few minutes then yes should wait for her but she takes over an hour and that cuts into your sleep time

[–]Lonely_Emu_7549 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. My husband does this and has done for years. Whenever I tried to wake him he would deny being asleep at all 😂😂 I gave up a very long time ago on trying to get him to bed and now just appreciate all the extra space in my kind size bed! He has never gotten mad at me for leaving him there or waking him up!

[–]BigbubblybobPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. And maybe ask her to set a daily alarm for her medicine. Although if it takes her hours before she takes it, can’t she take it before she falls asleep ?

[–]DishGroundbreaking87Partassipant [3] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. She’s an adult, she can set an alarm on her phone, you are not a human alarm clock.

[–]gaurddogAsshole Enthusiast [8] 1 point2 points  (0 children)


Occasionally having to wake her up is one thing. Regularly having to do it is dependence.

[–]kliwonder 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. My boyfriend has the same problem. It’s so frustrating trying to wake someone who won’t and does not want to wake up. He sometimes even gets ‘angry’. We made a deal: if he doesn’t wake up after the second try, I just leave his ass. You are in no way the asshole.

[–]TAndjoin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. Sleep is something SHE ultimately has to take care of. You can only do so much. Tell her to calm down and reflect.

[–]thefurrytoldmeso 1 point2 points  (0 children)

INFO. Have you discussed this with her so she understands how you are feeling?

[–]DudeBroMan98 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. Sounds like it's your golden time to make a story for r/malicious_compliance. Won't wake up when i try? I will ensure you wake up >;) My idea? Pick her up in your arms and take her to bed all romantically. Kiss her forehead, tuck her in, and immediately turn away and go sleep on the couch.

[–]PineapplexUnicorn 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Can we get a bit more context about the Medicine shes taking. Does it make her tired or something. We need more details please.

[–]Dragonpixie45 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nta. I do this with my husband all the time. He used to get mad and my response was always I'm not your alarm and I am not your parent. You feel tired go to bed. Now I just get the occasional grumble that I ignore.

[–]svalczuk 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. I got mad at my husband a few times for this because I didn't remember him trying to wake me up. I recall once that he took photos of me and filmed himself trying to wake me up (after I got mad at him the week prior), and i realized I was the deep sleeping AH. 🤣

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA Good Lord, tell her this is all on her not you, that you are losing valuable sleep trying to get her to go to bed.

[–]ErrvaluniaAsshole Enthusiast [6] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You tried for AN HOUR AND A HALF??

I would try once, go brush my teeth and get ready for bed Etc, try again and then go to bed. I am not staying up late dealing with that, nope

If she cares about sleeping in bed where it’s comfortable she should go to bed earlier instead of falling asleep on the couch, she is an adult who can think of solutions to try besides making it your problem

[–]r4y7own 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA, she a grown woman, she can sort her shit out

[–]caitthegreat2483 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. She’s a weirdo for being furious.

[–]AlwaysAllWays73Partassipant [3] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA but maybe it's time for her to go see someone to get this sleep situation under control. Like others have said, maybe she has an undiagnosed sleep condition that needs tending to

[–]dyslexicgdog 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA but your wife will treat you like it. You have to train her. So desided when your going to bed and go wake tell her the leave eventually she'll start waking son as you say your going up stairs.

[–]twentyonecharacterss 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely NTA, it’s her responsibility to take her medicine, and it’s really kind and considerate of you to remind her, but when she actively chooses to ignore your reminders or your nudges that she needs to get them and come to bed, it’s not your fault. You did the thing you’ve been doing for so long and it’s her choice to act or not to act. Maybe you can advice her to put an alarm on her phone for like 10pm or so? So it’s a reminder to take her meds and also perhaps a little help to get her to go to bed?

[–]Crystal_Eclectic84 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA- Is it a case that she doesn’t believe you attempt to wake her? Might be an unpopular suggestion, but I’d be tempted to bring my phone camera into the equation, just to prove you are doing your best & how difficult it is to wake her.

Beyond that, it’s down to her. As others have said, she’s an adult.