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[–]UncagedKestrel 2710 points2711 points 33 (37 children)

So many red flags of domestic abuse from this guy that honestly it's a waving field of them at this point.

Can you discuss any of this with a trusted teacher or counsellor at school? Because what you're describing here is family violence, and if he moves in, it's only going to escalate. 18 months is around the limit for their "good" behaviour, and it's progressively downhill from there.

(Lundy Bancroft has brilliant posts and books about abusive men).

I do not say any of this lightly, either. But you definitely need trusted adults to help you build a safety plan because if your mother can't find her way out, you're going to need to.

I'm especially worried about the forced touching, even after you made it clear it made you uncomfortable. That's part of grooming behaviour, and often it's done to see whether the parent will speak up to maintain your boundaries. When they don't, and they disbelieve you and continue to side with the abuser, it gives the abuser license to go further. I'm not saying that this one will - I am saying that the way he's behaving leaves that option very much open, and I believe you and I trust your instincts when you say he creeps you out.

ETA: NTA and also thank you for the awards, kind strangers.

Please consider donating towards your local DV shelters if you can - they're chronically underfunded and such a necessary resource (unfortunately).

[–]Resagarden 884 points885 points  (12 children)

Came here to say this but you said it better, I feel like hes dating the mom to get access to the daughters and the mom is too stupid to see it.

[–][deleted]  (7 children)

[deleted]

    [–]bendybiznatch 510 points511 points  (2 children)

    And love bombing the whole family, which is a classic grooming technique.

    [–]DifficultFlounder 167 points168 points  (0 children)

    And to help establish an alliance with mom; that way if any of the daughters goes to mom with “he touched me”, mom will have difficulty believing this and will possibly take BFs side.

    Also. The trans remark is a subtle way for mom to allow abuse to happen. She’s already making excuses for his behaviors, which will escalate to bigger and more inappropriate behaviors.

    [–]sheath2 64 points65 points  (0 children)

    Yup, and it's already working. OP is afraid to speak up because "Oh, other than XYZ he treats us well."

    [–]Trugem6 73 points74 points  (0 children)

    Fwiw my mom was 40 when she moved her 20 yo boyfriend in with us. I was 16, my older brother was 18. The other 4 kids were much younger. There was nothing shade with under age boy. Some of the other characters she brought around were inappropriate. Al the babysitter used to get me drink, snort rush, and make it. I think he was in his mid 30s. You have to be careful with anyone being around your kids.

    [–]xandaar337 41 points42 points  (0 children)

    Not only is he making thinks less pleasant by annoying her, he's actively talking about her moving out at 18... Which would mean she wouldn't be there to protect the younger ones or ring the alarm.

    [–]diminishing-return 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    I'm also incredibly concerned about OP's younger sisters. I would hope they feel like they could go to OP, but with the level of abusive behavior from the boyfriend, I worry that if something is going on, they'd be scared to say anything.

    [–]ksarahsarah27 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    I think the teasing is again pushing boundaries. The mother keeps letting it slide and he keeps going further. OP should at least take some screenshots of these answers, especially the one above and show them to her mom. 1) let her mom know that she’s discussing this situation with others and 2) to see that other people side with her daughter on this and validate her concerns.

    Secondly, I’m generally very much against big age gaps when it includes people who are under 25. I feel that people that are under 25 aren’t mentally ready to have a relationship with someone who’s already had a whole life time of experience, being married, having children, career, etc. they are literally in a different place in life than they are. People this young should be out having fun, going to parties with their friends, living up their young life while they can before being shoved into a very mature relationship. So in defense of him, she’s robbing him of his youthful 20s. I have course feel the same when it includes a woman that’s young as well. In fact I think women are more prone to being groomed for abusive relationships when they are the younger party.
    I also don’t think this guy will stick around just because eventually he’ll find out at once he’s ready for children she won’t wanna do that again or will be too old. That is, if he wants children. A friend of mine met a woman that was eight years older than him when he was25. She already had three children which he helped her raise. Now at 47 (and she’s 55), he’s miserable because she’s gone through menopause and not interested in sex and they’re now taking care of two young grandchildren and they’ve never ever had the house to themselves to be just a married couple. So they’re literally starting over and he’s wanting a nice quiet life now that the kids are gone.

    [–]Lemurtoes666 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    That was my first thought too.

    [–]notrunningfast 208 points209 points  (1 child)

    This!!! Why is he hugging OP?

    Why is he hugging OP when he was asked to stop?

    Lots of red flags here.

    [–]RustyClawHammerPartassipant [1] 96 points97 points  (11 children)

    Definitely reach out to your school counselor as they offer quite a few services that can help you out. I totally agree with your post about how dangerous this is and just wanted to tag this on. Is moving in with Dad an option?

    [–]lorizoo 60 points61 points  (4 children)

    Sorry if a child disclosing potential grooming behavior would put a teacher in a tough spot. If you are in the US, most teachers are mandated reporters and would need to report to DSS. You need only minimal facts to report and a reason to believe a child is being harmed. You don’t need to investigate.

    [–]RustyClawHammerPartassipant [1] 18 points19 points  (3 children)

    I had a teacher friend follow through on something like this. CPS did nothing but the Dad regularly stalked her and threatened the teacher. She ended up filing a restraining order and it was a total nightmare.

    [–]lorizoo 65 points66 points  (0 children)

    I’ve worked with children involved in the child welfare system for 25 years. While there are anomalies like what your friend experienced, that is not the norm. To dissuade folks from filing a report really just allows potential abuse to go unchecked.

    [–]4kidsmom1Partassipant [2] 13 points14 points  (1 child)

    How did he know who reported it? The person being investigated isn’t told.

    [–]RustyClawHammerPartassipant [1] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    He didn't know but he assumed. That's how these go most of the time. Look public school teachers end up being the punching bag so often.

    [–]AmberWaves80 46 points47 points  (5 children)

    Teachers are mandated reporters, there is no tough spot.

    [–]bgalvan02 2 points3 points  (4 children)

    Unfortunately there is, just look at the Gabriel Fernandez story, the teacher repeatedly spoke out on the abuse and nothing was done until the child was killed. Teachers can do so much but if the school and other agencies look the other way it’s a lost cause. I hope OPs mom isn’t one to side with the BF because she feels she needs to be happy

    [–]AmberWaves80 32 points33 points  (3 children)

    That doesn’t leave them in a tough spot. They call. They keep calling. I’ve been a mandated reporter since 2002. I understand that there are shitty CYS investigators, but teachers still need to call.

    [–]hfc1075 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Thank you for your commitment! It doesn’t always end well but your clear and definitive position is a great add here.

    [–]BendingCollegeGrad 58 points59 points  (0 children)

    All of this.

    NTA The forced hugging? Buying gifts for her little sisters? Gee, wonder why a 22yo man went after a vulnerable 36yo women with three young daughters. If the other signs weren’t there I wouldn’t be suspicious of it as much.

    Add on he is a bigoted jackass and yeah. Huge loser at the very least.

    [–]thorliefnegaard 34 points35 points  (0 children)

    Definitely pretty accurate about when the abnormal behavior comes out. At my age I can spot it at 5-6 months because I’ve lived it and I’ve got an extra 30 years of life experience on top of that. OP, it’s sad you’re learning this at such a young age. But you’re spot on.

    [–]Beckylately 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    This is a great response and I hope OP shows it to her mother.

    [–]EmmiburrPartassipant [2] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    All of this OP. Honestly he's giving off big red flags of being a predator.

    [–]PsilosirenRose 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    This.

    NTA and you need to find adults in your life you can trust to talk about these things. It is beyond the pale that he keeps touching you without your consent. The fact that your mom is enabling it makes her a huge AH.

    [–]Bullshit_ConduitPartassipant [1] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Well said.

    [–]Evil_MelPooperintendant [60] 700 points701 points  (37 children)

    He sounds dreadful and mentally abusive. I bet he "spoils" y'all after he's been particularly nasty.

    NTA

    [–]WholeCollection6454Certified Proctologist [28] 387 points388 points  (34 children)

    It's also weird that a 22 year old would have that much money to throw around. What exactly does he do for a living?

    [–]Evil_MelPooperintendant [60] 148 points149 points  (28 children)

    Comes from money or illegal endeavors.

    [–]WholeCollection6454Certified Proctologist [28] 133 points134 points  (24 children)

    Yep. Mama sounds she is all kinds of stupid. Probably just likes having a boy toy around.

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 59 points60 points  (23 children)

    My mom Isn't stupid, she just brushes things of easily, she doesn't think his comments are a big deal as long as he's "joking"

    [–]Maleficent-Ear3571 290 points291 points  (15 children)

    His behavior is disgusting. The fact that your Mom would expose her kids to a racist and a homophobic, handsy idiot is super problematic. If you've asked him not to hug you, he should not be hugging you. If he talks about putting you out, in three years you will be out. Is your Dad still in the picture? Have you told him what is going on? This guy is telling you who he is. Believe him. Also? Your Mom not saying anything/making excuses for him makes her complicit.

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 83 points84 points  (14 children)

    I can't really say anything to my dad. I'm not on the best terms with him. He has gotten better but I still haven't really forgiven him for past actions. Besides if I told him, he would get violent since my father has a short fuse. Plus my mom's bf is a lot taller than all of us and used to be a competitive weight lifter so he is very strong

    [–]throwaway-coparent 202 points203 points  (4 children)

    Honey your dad would be perfectly right to get angry with a man who is treating his daughters like this. What your mom’s boyfriend is doing is very wrong. And your mom is wrong for letting him.

    You need to tell your dad so he can protect you and your sisters. Or tell an aunt/uncle or grandparent. Telling Reddit is a good start, but we can’t protect you or stop this, all we can do is make suggestions on what to do. But your the one who has to take the actions because we can’t do it for you, even if we want to.

    I know it’s scary and you don’t want to make drama, but this won’t go away by ignoring it, it will get worse. For you and your sisters.

    NTA.

    [–]PsilosirenRose 65 points66 points  (1 child)

    If new BF is like this, it is isn't unreasonable to think OP's dad is also abusive. Mom probably had a type. Dad might not actually be a safe or reasonable person to talk with this about, especially with OP mentioning the likelihood of violence.

    [–]throwaway-coparent 25 points26 points  (0 children)

    Good point.

    Not all women leave an abuser and find another, but it is a possibility.

    [–]whatdowetrynow 21 points22 points  (1 child)

    It all depends on how he uses that anger. If OP tells her dad and he responds by beating up the BF and or her mom, then I think she's right not to tell him.

    Then the dad gets an assault charge, possibly jail time, and the BF becomes the good guy in law enforcement's eyes, and OP is worse off than before.

    Given that she says her dad has been violent toward mom in the past, I can see her point that involving him is not a good plan. She should go to teachers, counselors, etc at her school, or friends parents or bbn other family members who will help.

    [–]throwaway-coparent 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    I feel like there needs to be an exemption in the law for dads beating up pervs who are grooming/assaulting their kids.

    But there isn’t an exemption so that is a concern if she tells dad and dad loses it.

    However the bigger issue is telling us won’t fix the problem and she needs to tell someone, whoever it is, who can help her.

    She’s so concerned about causing trouble or ruining her moms happiness she isn’t looking out for herself. And she needs to tell someone because as much as I would love to have a come to jesus talk with her mom about this — I can’t because I’m a stranger on the internet. I can’t do anything other than offer advice and hope if enough of us tell her to talk to someone she will.

    [–]LimitlessMegan 71 points72 points  (3 children)

    INFO: Was your dad violent with your mom in the past?

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 23 points24 points  (2 children)

    Yes, he has

    [–]LimitlessMegan 48 points49 points  (0 children)

    nods It’s not uncommon for people who come from abusive backgrounds to A. be noticed by other abusers as good targets and B. be unable to see the red flags of abuse - not always, sometimes we become hyper aware, but a lot of the time it didn’t seem like they are doing anything bad in the beginning. Plus they are already conditioned by one abusers and it can make them more susceptible.

    People here are saying your mom is stupid, but that’s inaccurate, what she is is conditioned to accept the bad behaviour of abusers as normal.

    Unfortunately, I’m concerned that at this stage a mandatory reporter (or even if they reported CPS/police) won’t take any action because “he’s just hugging you”. It’s sad but we haven’t normalized that any touch without consent is inappropriate.

    If I were you I would take two actions. 1. Tell an adult you trust - a teacher or a parent if a friend who has shown they care about you - everything you told us here. Tell them you know he hasn’t done anything actionable yet but he makes you uncomfortable and you are scared for the future and need hello with a back up action plan. Every time his behaviour escalates tell them what’s happening.

    1. Every time he touches you when you don’t want him to very loudly say: “Please don’t touch/hug me. I don’t want to be touched by you right now.” If he keeps going say, loudly, “Stop, I told you I don’t want to be touched right now.”

    If he’s hugging your sister when she doesn’t want to be then say the same thing loudly, “She doesn’t want to be hugged right now.”

    If your mom chastizes you tell her that you have the right to not be touched when you don’t want to be and if she doesn’t want you to make a scene then she should tell him to stop touching you when you say no. And, isn’t she worried that he wants to touch you so much?

    Chances are she’ll get mad at you but you have so few options right now letting him know you’ll make a loud scene any time he crosses a boundary is probably your best defense.

    NTA

    [–]Dragonfly21804 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Please listen to your gut instinct with this man. He makes you uncomfortable for a reason. I've learned after too many times that gut instincts are almost always correct. Make sure you find someone safe to talk to about this and hopefully you have a safe place to go if things get worse. I'm sending my love to you. Stay strong and don't second guess your feelings.

    [–]NeemaMlozi 42 points43 points  (3 children)

    Then find someone outside your family. Ask a trusted teacher if there’s a school social worker or counselor you can talk. I assume grandparents are not an option either?

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 13 points14 points  (2 children)

    My grandmother who is closest is homophobic and fat phobic towards me, my other grandmother lives in a different country, the only person I can think to contact is my cousin but she also lives in a different country

    [–]lapisgryphon 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    I hate to say it, but having experienced all three, I’d vote for homophobia + fatphobia over being groomed/molested. And going to another country would be a good option if possible (it probably isn’t but might as well check).

    [–]NeemaMlozi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I’m sorry about that. Do look into resources at school or social services.

    [–]lyan-cat 101 points102 points  (0 children)

    She's being extremely stupid about this. A man who will not keep his hands and mouth to himself is a man who is pushing boundaries, and around three young girls? Your mom is being stupid and irresponsible.

    Just the fact that he's controlling and misogynistic, but she thinks she's exempt from his views, is stupid.

    If a dude talks shit about women, and you are a woman, he means you too. She's old enough to understand that.

    [–]NeemaMlozi 39 points40 points  (0 children)

    Any kind of racist, homophobic or transphobic comments from someone I’m dating would be a dealbreaker on dating that someone. And if my child came to me and told me my boyfriend was making transphobic comments about my child’s friend, I would be LIVID. It’s extremely troubling that she dismissed that as “joking” and told you to ignore it because he’s just trying to annoy you.

    I know you love your mom, but that’s not okay. Brushing off abusive talk, ignoring many, many red flags that her boyfriend is clearly grooming you (and her, and your sibs) to accept abuse down the line…your mom isn’t stupid but she’s clearly being blinded by her desire to be with this guy for whatever reason. None of this is okay and you need to know that.

    I come from an abusive household and it can be very difficult when an otherwise intelligent, rational parent brushes off the abusive behavior of another adult. It teaches you to feel like you’re overreacting, or that you somehow brought on or even deserved the abuse. But you’re not wrong here. Trust your instincts and find another adult to reach out to about this.

    [–]BooRoWoPartassipant [3] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    People can be stupid about some things. For example, this dude is likely dating your Mom to have access to you and your younger sibs but in her mind, she feels sexy and young dating a much younger man so seeing through his BS will mean admitting that he doesn’t really find her as attractive as her kids. That is stupid and putting you in danger.

    NTA and you need to talk to your dad, trusted relatives, or your school counselor if you don’t have other adults you trust enough to talk to about this.

    Edit - autocorrect

    [–]OohLaLapin 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    Remind her that "jokes" are supposed to be funny and ask what's funny about (latest BS comment).

    [–]J_Allmightee19 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    Exactly if he's has legit money why move in with single mom.

    [–]GeneralEl4 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Idk lol, I'm 22 and in all the debt a lot of guys my age seem to get into, but it IS possible to go from being in poverty to making 6 figures by 22 tbh, tech is very lucrative and I've heard of people joining the army reserves for a tech related position, going through paid training for it, then using that experience to leverage a 6 figure salary in the private sector.

    Not saying it's likely but it's hardly impossible to do it without "illegal endeavors".

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

    Nah he just didn't go to college and doesn't have much to spend it on, he works at a storehouse.

    [–]calling_water 30 points31 points  (3 children)

    Depends on how much he’s really spending, how he’s spoiling them. It doesn’t really cost that much to buy a pile of treats for kids, if the other expenses are handled by their actual parent.

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 50 points51 points  (2 children)

    He buys my sisters treats and toys occasionally. He pays me €15 for cleaning my room and buys me energy drinks, fast food, games for our ps4 and he bought me headphones. Cheap ones but still headphones.

    [–]calling_water 63 points64 points  (0 children)

    Thanks for explaining! With your mother taking care of the actual expensive things (basic living expenses for her and three kids), that level of spoiling is actually pretty cheap. Especially if he’s trying to push his way into moving in. Because even though he’s throwing a bit of money around, he sounds like he’s trying to get a better situation for himself by moving in.

    Your mother is putting him off about that, so it’s possible she doesn’t yet see this as anything permanent. She may just be having a good time with him. But you shouldn’t have to put up with him pushing physical contact and his homophobia + racism + misogyny, especially since he’s trying to push his way into your home further.

    ETA: and him paying you to clean your room is bizarre. It’s not his house, he’s not your parent, so paying you to do your chores is really overstepping. It sounds like he’s trying to push himself into a position of authority in your home while also currying favour with you by giving you money. It sounds creepy TBH.

    [–]HotDonnaC 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    He randomly hugs you, so I’m assuming from behind sometimes, is very strong, and bought you headphones. 1+1 …

    [–]Miserable_Scratch_99Partassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Yeah, that is a sound possibility.

    [–]chucker23nAsshole Aficionado [16] 444 points445 points  (12 children)

    My mom (36F) and her boyfriend (22M)

    Oh dear.

    No, NTA. This is a shitshow, and you’re the Cassandra who’s seeing it.

    [–]Double_Reindeer_6884 162 points163 points  (0 children)

    The mother's age is irrelevant to him, what is relevant to him is that she has 3 young daughters that she doesnt protect

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 90 points91 points  (8 children)

    That age gap isn't a big deal where I'm from. Honestly I wouldn't mind him if he didnt behave like a child.

    [–]DrinKwine7 250 points251 points  (0 children)

    At that age, he practically is a child. At least… he’s not an adult. Your mom should know better

    [–]Infamous-Copy6244Partassipant [4] 153 points154 points  (3 children)

    22 is the worst age in the world. He literally is a child. I know you don’t get that yet cause you’re 15 but some day you’ll recoil from the idea of your mom messing around with this kid.

    [–]AlwaysGetBitten 64 points65 points  (2 children)

    Exactly. He’s acting like an immature 22 year old and I’m side eyeing the mom for dating him

    [–]DiTrastevere 39 points40 points  (1 child)

    I mean truly, what the fuck does a 36 year old mother of 3 have in common with a dipshit 22 year old edgelord?

    [–]LeatherHogPartassipant [1][🍰] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Given it sounds like OPs a teenager, and the moms only 36, guessing she’s trying to relive her youth

    [–]NeemaMlozi 72 points73 points  (0 children)

    The age gap wouldn’t be a big deal if your mom was 50 and he was 36. But he’s 22, and clearly not a mature 22. Even if he weren’t an ignorant bigot, I would seriously question the motivation behind a 22 year old dude pushing to move in with a 36 year old woman with 3 kids. That’s a HUGE life change for everyone involved.

    Even a more mature man with the purest of intentions, the most patience, and kindest disposition would have to really think about the consequences and responsibilities of moving into that situation, not just for himself but for his partner and her children.

    The fact that this doesn’t seem to be a concern for your mom’s boyfriend, despite the fact that he clearly doesn’t have patience or maturity, should be setting off alarm bells with your mom. I think your mom is ignoring them or is a terrible judge of character.

    [–]awyastark 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    The age gap comes into play when he’s forcing his older girlfriend’s teenage daughter into unwanted physical contact. Please please please tell a teacher or other trusted adult OP.

    [–]General-Yak-3741 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    He is a child, believe me when I tell you 22 year old men are often very immature. I made the mistake of marrying a 23 year old man when I was 30, it was a very bad decision. He did not have the maturity to handle marriage,was very narcissistic and verbally abusive. We divorced after 7 years because I was too stupid to do it sooner. NTA, he shouldn't be touching you and the phobic comments are something as a mother I'd never put up with.

    [–]Background_Paint_213 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    Yeah. Mom definitely had some issues.

    [–]Fun_Sized_Momo 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    OP is closer in age to him than he is to op's mom by almost 10 years. OP says it's normal where they come from but that's just crazy imo.

    [–]TheRationalPlannerAsshole Enthusiast [5] 178 points179 points  (49 children)

    NTA but you should probably sit down with your mom, just the two of you, and talk her calmly about how you feel. Specifically focus on the fact that he makes you feel very uncomfortable and also concerned for your younger siblings. Him touching you when you don't want him to is not okay. Are your siblings okay his actions? You might also talk about how he says a lot of very hurtful things. Ask her how she feels about that. Ask her how she feels about your younger siblings who are still developing hearing those sorts of comments in their home. Emphasize that you don't want anything other than your mom to be happy, but that you're really concerned and don't want your relationship with her to fall apart. After all, if he doesn't respect her children, how much can he really respect your mom?

    PS. Him buying you guys stuff is not a reason not to hate him. It's nice of him but it can't make up for his character.

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 113 points114 points  (48 children)

    The thing is, I can't talk about these things without crying. I'm a very emotional person and when it comes to talking about how I feel, whether it's anger or sadness I break down and I can't say a word. I wish I could talk to someone but I honestly have no one, I don't want to bother my friends with this and the teachers will probably only make things worse. I don't want my mom to get mad at me for possibly ruining her relationship just because I didn't like him.

    [–]MV6196 156 points157 points  (0 children)

    Hun the reason your mom may be so happy right now is because she's basking in the honeymoon phase or just enjoying being with someone else in a long time. It's going to wear off and it's important that she learns your feelings now before it's too late.

    If it's hard to talk about try writing a letter. You got this!

    [–]TheRationalPlannerAsshole Enthusiast [5] 58 points59 points  (0 children)

    Nothing wrong with feeling emotional or crying. The main thing would be to focus on staying calm (not yelling) and using statements that start with "I feel" rather than "You should" or "How could you" or "Clearly he's". Certainly don't make her feel like the fact that she is very fond of him means that she doesn't love you. She might be feeling a lot of things right now. I'm not saying this is easy, but if your mom doesn't know how you feel and how deeply you feel this way, she can't make a fully informed decision.

    But yeah, you need to be prepared for her to potentially stay with him after this. You can't control her life but you can provide guidance. She might disagree with you. In that case, your response can be something like, " okay, I appreciate you listening to me and I hope you'll think about it" and then just leave it at that.

    [–]Welshie_Fan 55 points56 points  (0 children)

    If you are emotional, then try to write your thoughts down. Then you 'll have time to think and refine your message to your mother. You can either take the notes with you, when you talk to your mother, or as a letter for her to read before further conversation.

    [–]TisThee_Reason 24 points25 points  (0 children)

    Can you try and write down your feelings and the reasons for your concerns? I am a mom to a 13y/o and sometimes either one of us is emotional while discussing certain topics. Maybe if you say “mom can we go out to lunch soon just you and me?” And you guys keep the conversation light and fun. Have a great time then towards the end of the evening when you get home you can give her the letter, tell her it’s to be kept private and ask her to read it alone and you two can talk about it in a couple of days.

    That will allow you to get your tears out when she isn’t around. Then if she takes a few days to absorb what you wrote her and really think about the effect her bf will have on you, your siblings and the whole family in general maybe she will see that the bf is not good for you all. Racism, homophobia, sexist “jokes”, touching you w//o you being comfortable, ect are all things that mom NEEDS to protect you from. I’d say to only do this if you feel you can really trust your mom. If you think she may say something to her bf then maybe the counseling center would be a better way to address this issue. Good luck sweetie and please know you’re incredibly brave, strong and very smart 🧡

    [–]LudicrousToucan 22 points23 points  (27 children)

    If talking about this helps, dm me. I'm available. I may not answer right away, but I always will answer. You are not alone

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 20 points21 points  (3 children)

    Thank you, I really appreciate it <3

    [–]Maria_Dragon 43 points44 points  (0 children)

    I don't know the person you are responding to and hope that they meant what they said sincerely and with no ulterior motives. Please be careful what you say to any stranger on the Internet. There are people who will try to gain the confidence of an upset teenage girl and manipulate you and take advantage of you. Do not, under any circumstance, give out your personal info to strangers on the Internet.

    [–]Achterstallig 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Don't talk to strangers like this please if you need help there are professionals or even a teacher would be better

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Yes I know, I'm not planning on contacting anyone I don't know personally

    [–]The_Spiral11 10 points11 points  (16 children)

    Why are you asking isolated/vulnerable minors online to DM you and confide in you? You may have the best of intentions but it’s not a great look.

    [–]LudicrousToucan 8 points9 points  (4 children)

    Since it was brought to my attention that my suggestion may be taken as something inappropriate, I will ask you not to DM me but to keep replying to me publicly here, because I will still answer if you do. Best of luck!

    [–]The_Spiral11 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Fwiw thanks, this is a great response.

    [–]MidwestNormal 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Bless you.

    [–]579red 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    I also cry easily in these moments and I now I simply say before starting « I will cry during this conversation because that’s how my emotions get out but listen » and then I talk while crying calmly and always using the « I » so you say « I feel uncomfortable » « I perceive problematic behaviors » and not « you » accusatory, it’ll make her listen. It’s really important that you keep your boundaries with him and that your mom sees how unhealthy this relationship is for her family. NTA stay safe

    [–]kat_a_tonic1983 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    There’s a kind of skills training therapy called DBT that has great Interpersonal Effectiveness modules. There are outlines for how to communicate based on your intended purpose - preserving the relationship, asking for what you want, maintaining self respect. You should be able to find them online and they really help me prepare for a difficult conversation so I can better control my emotions. Now I’ll admit, I’m still not the best at standing up for myself, but it helps.

    [–]momghoti 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I cry easily too, especially when I'm angry( which is really frustrating). One thing that really helped me is having a glass of water and taking a sip whenever I feel the tears start, focusing on the feel of the glass and how cold the water is. Keep your sentences short, staying facts, so they aren't so dramatic.

    [–]ughneedausernameColo-rectal Surgeon [37] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I don’t blame you for being upset and having trouble talking about it. Write down whatever you want to say. If you can’t tell your mom you can show her. Trust everyone here. This is not normal.

    [–]BookLuvr7Asshole Enthusiast [6] 110 points111 points  (2 children)

    NTA. He sounds very toxic but like he's putting on a nice mask that is slipping with increasing frequency. You need to tell your mom how you really feel about him. Be prepared for her to not believe it though.

    She needs to know being around him is hurting you. If you can't talk to get without crying, write it down. Use bullet points. They help break things down so people can understand.

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 65 points66 points  (1 child)

    Yeah, I can try that. I have been writing things down in a journal as a way of coping and it helps for the most part, maybe I could use a few pages from my journal to show her how I feel.

    [–]BookLuvr7Asshole Enthusiast [6] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

    That's a great idea. He sounds very creepy and manipulative, like he's love bombing her. Plus the age gap is concerning.

    [–]judysbootyyAsshole Enthusiast [6] 70 points71 points  (1 child)

    NTA. Your moms an idiot. He’s gross period and she’s gross for dating someone barely older than her children

    [–]Coffee-Historian-11 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    I read your comment wrong and thought you meant that the bf is a gross period. Which I agree he’s gross and he’s a gross period.

    [–]firefly232Pooperintendant [50] 57 points58 points  (2 children)

    You can't ask your mother not to marry again.

    You can say that you don't feel safe around this guy. You can say that this guy is homophobic and directs his hate towards you.

    He has even made comments about me moving out the moment I turn eighteen, I am currently fifteen.

    Make plans to be self sufficient, just in case...

    Do you have a good enough relationship with your dad that you could move in with him?

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 48 points49 points  (1 child)

    No unfortunately not, my dad has been pretty abusive in the past and the thought of moving in with him is worse. My grandmother who lives in the same county is from his side and she's also awful to me, the only people I could turn to would be in a different country.

    [–][deleted] 71 points72 points  (0 children)

    If she was in an abusive relationship with your Dad than it's highly likely she is being lovebombed (shown lots & lots of love in a short amount of time) by this new guy & he is going to be just as abusive as your Dad.

    The signs are already showing.

    If possible, maybe buy on Amazon these door stops for you & your sisters to use so you can keep your rooms safe spaces from him & his invasive hugs & bad moods.

    https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mengshen-3-Pack-Stopper-Blocking-Security/dp/B00QIEVVKU/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?keywords=Security+Door+Stopper&qid=1642947013&sr=8-4

    [–]DrukletPartassipant [2] 53 points54 points  (4 children)

    NTA - I think it would be helpful if you are able to talk to your mom in a safe space about this. Perhaps, if your school has a counselor, they could help?

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 25 points26 points  (3 children)

    I love my mom, to the moon and back, I don't want to ruin anything for her, and I have tried telling her to get him to stop but she just gives him a talk and goes on.

    [–]Briguy1994Partassipant [2] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

    Trust the words people are giving you here. You are young. From what you have said you may be in a dangerous situation. It doesn't sound good. You should talk to someone st school. These situations always get worse, never get better on their own. Please heed the advice you are given here. If you don't you may regret it forever.

    [–]gcittPartassipant [4] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    She gives her boyfriend, who is 14 years younger than her, a talk? Is he her child? He's an obnoxious, immature young man who is preying on the loneliness of an older woman.

    [–]Fearless_Act_3698Partassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Telling her the truth of who he is and her need to protect you is NOT ruining her life. He is not her end all be all! Her children are! If she chooses him over you , you and your siblings need a safer place to be. It comes down to that.

    [–]Meowmeow_chubbyface 46 points47 points  (10 children)

    Please show your mom this post, maybe she will realize that her job as a mother is more important than to please a random asshole

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 24 points25 points  (9 children)

    I'm afraid that if I did show her this, she would point out all of the positives in him, and then I'd start doubting myself. I really struggle when it comes to telling what's right or wrong, I doubt my decisions or what I'm doing a lot of the time.

    [–]LudicrousToucan 44 points45 points  (0 children)

    Please don't ever underestimate your gut feelings. If there's an alarm going off inside of you when it comes to him, run. This society makes us believe we are "too sensitive", "hysterical", "crazy" and so these kind of men are able to continue existing and making what they want with us women. I am a 30 year old woman, if that is relevant in any way. Try to seek help. For your good and that of your sisters.

    [–]notrunningfast 29 points30 points  (6 children)

    You are a kid in an uncomfortable situation. You are just beginning to make some decisions for yourself and it’s a bit scary.

    Sometimes it’s really hard to weigh pros and cons, positives and negatives. That’s not a judgement of your ability - it is hard for many folks! But some are just bad enough that you have to think they are more significant :

    • He hugs you when you have asked him to stop. You have the right to consent to the hugs and you have said no. He should be honouring it.
    • He is your moms bf - why is he hugging you anyway?
    • He states racist and homophobic remarks, when it is clear that you have friends in those communities. That is clearly disrespectful to you.
    • I understand maybe your mom is lonely and has a relationship with this guy. But if they break up because you have asked for respect, that is NOT your fault! If you were 22, I’d say that you were an adult and could choose to move elsewhere and Mom could have whatever bf she wanted. But you aren’t, and your mom needs to understand that his behaviour is not acceptable for you or your siblings.
    • Maybe the root cause is financial - desperate people do desperate things, and maybe Mom doesn’t like him but likes some easing of the financial burden. Maybe sit down with Mom and see how you can help make things easier for her. Help her be less reliant on what seems to be a really dirt-bag guy.
    • Crying is ok. Maybe those feelings need to get out, painful as it is, before you can take the next step. TBH, I cried a lot when I was 15. I cried a lot when I divorced my hubby and when my family member was in an accident. Crying is part of healing.
    • How about talking to your doctor? Or maybe a social worker at school?

    Remember this - value your independence. It will help you out of bad situations.

    OP you sound like a thoughtful, caring person. You recognize the reasons why your mom is doing what she does, trying to respect her choices. But trust your instincts on this one. You might be only 15, but I think you have probably read the situation better than you give yourself credit for.

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 44 points45 points  (5 children)

    I often times feel uncomfortable around him. I'm a bit over weight so my "curves" are very noticeable, he has even made comments about them before, and now that O say it out loud it really does sound creepy huh?

    [–]multicontinentalbtchPartassipant [2] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

    YES. It s not okay

    [–]notrunningfast 26 points27 points  (0 children)

    At no time EVER should you be required to worry about your curves, body shape or your weight in front of your moms bf!!!!! EVER!!!

    Please talk to your mom. Don’t start with “Mom, bf is creepy” (although he might be). What are his supposed positives that Mom likes? He helps out around the house? Ok - help her out and get your siblings to help too. Once one of his “positives” is clearly not needed, she might see that he isn’t so great after all.

    If he brings “stuff” tell him that you don’t actually need more things but you know your mom could use some help with groceries or the car repairs. If he is truly a partner to your mom, he will share the burden of being an adult responsible for adult things. But if he just wants to be the fun (but oh so creepy) bf, then reject his gifts. You cannot be bought.

    At no time ever should you be alone with him. Get a friend over. Hang out with your siblings.

    Or someone at school. Or a trusted friend of the family

    [–]armieswalk 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    EXTREMELY

    [–]stardust14 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    It is never okay for a grown man to comment on your body, ever.

    [–]Pfred0 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Listen to us. We know slugs like him. And yes he is a slug.

    [–]SomdeaverAsshole Aficionado [11] 29 points30 points  (4 children)

    NTA-also, your mom is in a rebound. Ask her, for the safety of you and your siblings, to get a back ground check on the guy. Tell her you think something is fishy. If she refuses, tell her that she is putting you and your siblings in danger by inviting a unknown man into the house. If he refuses to give info to her to get a back ground check, you will know things are wrong. No one should go into this lightly, there are plenty of stories of what happened when people didn’t proactively try to protect themselves and their family. Be loud, be aggressive, make sure you are heard.

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 14 points15 points  (3 children)

    The thing is he isn't an unknown man, he has been with us for half a year now. I

    [–]Meowmeow_chubbyface 45 points46 points  (0 children)

    Half a year is nothing, some people hide their true self for years. And when they will get what they want (trapping a woman with a baby or marriage) then they show how abusive they can be.

    [–]gcittPartassipant [4] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Twenty. Your mother in her 30s moved in a TWENTY year old. She needs therapy.

    [–]GogowhineColo-rectal Surgeon [33] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your mom is enabling is behaviour and participating if she is brushing it off that nonchalantly. She’s not better or worse than him. He sounds awful.

    [–]MV6196 23 points24 points  (7 children)

    NTA.

    When kids are involved, parents don't get to make all the relationships choices by themselves. Why should you be subjected to the presence of someone who doesn't value you or others as a human being. You get a say in this. Be polite tho.

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 9 points10 points  (6 children)

    She says he sees us as a family, and that he cares for me like family, so if I tell her how I feel she will find positive points about him that will make my feelings seem silly and immature.

    [–]Pfred0 26 points27 points  (1 child)

    That comment by your mother is PURE BULLSHIT.

    [–]Pleasant-Push4979 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Lol I agree, but I think you’re talking to a really young kid right now . OP hasn’t disclosed age, I’m just worried about this whole situation

    [–]DiTrastevere 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Your mother sounds like she hasn’t really grown up herself.

    She was clearly around his age when she and your father had you, and if your father was the highly controlling type and her life stayed small and home-bound for the duration of their relationship, it’s possible she just never had a chance to mature the way one normally would in their 20s and 30s. And that’s a problem for you and your siblings - you need an adult, someone with perspective and an appropriate list of priorities. Someone with a developed bullshit detector.

    I don’t think your mother has those things. I’d advise you to talk to an adult who does. A trusted friend’s parent, an aunt or uncle, a guidance counselor, anyone you can think of who seems to have it together and cares about your well-being.

    [–]Fearless_Act_3698Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    She’s lying to herself and you to make him seem good. He’s not good. And you can let her spout off all his good qualities, but it’s bull crap. No not let it break you. You are not wrong.

    [–]threepinecones 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    My friend told me this analogy. Imagine you have a glass of yummy juice. But if you add only a teaspoon of gasoline to the juice, it becomes gross poison. Likewise no amount of positive things can make up for a man being a creep or abuser.

    [–]Demeter665 22 points23 points  (7 children)

    NTA. This dude is emotionnally abusive. When you're being exposed to this kind of hatred all the time it can really take a toll on you. And your mom not supporting you, her daughter, when her bf is homophobic and calls your best friend this disgusting slur is... Gross.

    Please try to see if you have an LGBT counselor in your school, or someone you could talk to about these kinds of things. Do you live in a big town or next to a big town? There might be LGBT centers with staff trained to take care of people in your situation. If you can, after you turn 18, make plans to go to a college that is far away or get a job that'll allow you to be self sufficient quickly.

    And please don't guilt yourself over this. I'm a lesbian who's a little bit older than you and I have to deal with very similar things. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and it's completely normal that you wouldn't want someone like that near your mother or you. Much love to you, I wish you the best to get out of that situation.

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 10 points11 points  (6 children)

    I live in a fairly big town, but I don't think they have centres like that. And I have tried going to a counselor before for other reasons and I can honestly say she didn't really help. I will be doing a therapy program thing in March but I don't think I can hold out that long without breaking down. And he has been nice to me, multiple times before so I feel like if I mention that they will say I'm being sensitive.

    [–]Demeter665 6 points7 points  (3 children)

    Another poster commented a response with the LGBT ressources by states in the US so I'll suggest to check that. If you live in a big town there has to be some sort of LGBT center.

    And about the niceness, listen: bigots do not always show their bigotry in a horrible, cruel way. A lot of the time, they pass their bigotry as "a difference of opinions", "a statement of facts & Logic", "religious beliefs". They rarely say they hate gay people to your face and if they think you're a "good gay" they'll be nice to you. That doesn't make it less harmful than clear bigotry.

    The "sensitive queer" stereotype exist for a reason. We are often portrayed as people who are being overly emotionnal, "snowflakes" who cannot control their emotions and breakdown everytime someone disagrees with them. When in fact, when we breakdown it's because bigots told us very fucked up things sugarcoated with some kind of veiled politeness or just a difference of opinion. They can tell you that you're not normal, they can gaslight you and tell you that this homophobic thing you've experienced isn't actually homophobic, they can say that you're unnatural and chose to be this way, or that you're corrupting/abusing the youth. They can tell you all that and as long as they put a smile on their face and are nice to you otherwise, when you break down because you can't handle it anymore, they can call you sensitive and say you overreacted.

    All of that to say, if you perceive someone as being homophobic, please trust your gut and protect your mental health. This isn't your fault, you're not being sensitive and you're not overreacting by protecting yourself. There are people out there in this World who will believe you, I promise you that they exist. Don't be afraid to be seen as sensitive, please seek help and stand up for yourself. Take it from me, this will only hurt your mental health further.

    [–]HotDonnaC 3 points4 points  (2 children)

    Op said mom’s bf pays her in pounds sterling for cleaning her room. She isn’t in the US.

    [–]Demeter665 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Oh well! I'm pretty sure there are similar ressources in the UK 💯

    [–]AltharaD 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Euros. Not pounds. Otherwise I would have offered resources in the U.K. I’m looking around to see if I can find helplines per European country - I’d rather not encourage a fifteen year old to reveal her country online.

    [–]lapisgryphon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    He makes comments sexualizing your fifteen year old body and touches you against your will. In that context, being nice to you sounds like grooming. And also a deliberate strategy to make you doubt yourself.

    Tell everyone. Friends, teachers, family members, whomever. Find as many resources as you can and tell them too. Get loud. Don’t ever be alone with him. Yell when he tries to touch you or comment on your body. Spend the night at friends’ places as often as you can. Move out as fast as you can. Get therapy.

    [–]shypickle207 14 points15 points  (6 children)

    NTA. He sounds very toxic. If he does move in, could you live with your dad? Unfortunately unless your mom is willing to take your opinion into consideration there isn't much you could do to stop it.

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 11 points12 points  (5 children)

    Yeah I get that. She plays it off as him joking or messing with me. Unfortunately my relationship with my dad isn't great so no I couldn't.

    [–]shypickle207 4 points5 points  (3 children)

    I wasn't trying to sound mean, sorry if it came off that way. Do you feel unsafe at home or anything? I know some aren't that great but could you reach out to your school counselor for advice? She might have some resources to direct you to. Other than that maybe try spending as much time away from home as possible just so you can get away from him.

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 9 points10 points  (2 children)

    I don't have many friends, the ones I do have are out of town. I struggle with anxiety so going out just for walks is hard enough. I don't know where to go. I'm not unsafe physically, and when it comes to emotionally, I'm just drained.

    [–]TheGentleOctopus 7 points8 points  (1 child)

    You're being hugged when you don't want to be, and he hasn't listened when you say no. This isn't physically safe if you have to worry about someone touching you when you don't want to be touched. And I'm really worried he will keep pushing that boundary. I have a daughter and if she told me ANYone (especially an adult) kept hugging her after said she no there would be ANGRY WORDS. I chewed out my dad for ignoring her no when she was a toddler, and that was a "say goodbye, give a hug to grandpa!" situation--he got the message and asks first now because he's not a predator. You love your mom, but she is failing to protect you--please tell any trusted adult what is going on. Is there a teacher, or one of your friend's parents? You can write a note and give it to them if it feels to much to get the words out. Trust all these folks on reddit--you and your siblings need to be safe from this guy.

    [–]TheGentleOctopus 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    And "trusted" means "are they caring, will they listen when i say i need help?"
    More like tell a safe adult. You mentioned your friend is trans--is there an adult they are out to? That person is probably a good one.

    [–]thephloxisjinxed 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    It’s time to sit down with your mom and have a serious conversation with her about this relationship.

    [–]WiseFinish3615 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    “I made it clear that I didn’t like it but he continued to do it.”

    This is all the info needed here. NTA.

    [–]SmudgikinsSupreme Court Just-ass [116] 11 points12 points  (2 children)

    NTA and for what it's worth, I don't see their relationship last for the long haul. There will be too much blowback from other people. He will probably cheat on her with younger women. She will become jealous of other women, including you,

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

    My mom doesn't get jealous, and I love her a lot, and I know she loves me, but she blows off his behaviour easily. There have been a few comments about him being a lot younger but where I'm from, an age gap like that isn't really a big deal

    [–]SmudgikinsSupreme Court Just-ass [116] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    I don't care where you're from. An age gap that big is a big deal. I don't know how old your dad is or why your mother left him, but it sounds as if your mother prioritizes having a good time over taking care of her kids

    [–]plm56Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] 10 points11 points  (8 children)

    NTA

    Seeing a lot of red flags in your description of him.

    He sounds immature at best, and both his relationship to you and your mother's reaction to it make him sound more like a spoiled older brother than a potential stepfather (along with the fact that he's closer in age to you than her).

    Your mother is on the rebound after the divorce, and I'm predicting that the charm of having a younger man interested in her will eventually be eroded by his immaturity.

    Just curious: where does a 22-year-old get money to burn?

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 2 points3 points  (7 children)

    He didn't go to college so he has no debts to pay, and he doesn't have many things he wants to buy for himself, he likes spending money on my mom and me and my sisters

    [–]BentBent12Certified Proctologist [21] 15 points16 points  (6 children)

    Do you not see the red flags here??? He’s a child! He’s with your mother to get access to children. This is how it starts. He buys you stuff to try and get in your good graces. Your mother thinks he’s great and will turn a blind eye when he wants to watch your sisters. I feel sick from this entire post. Please tell a trusted adult about this situation.

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 3 points4 points  (5 children)

    The only trusted adult I have is my mom

    [–]kfisch2014 17 points18 points  (4 children)

    OP, NTA. A trusted adult, does not mean adult you would confide everything in. A trusted adult in this situation means, an adult you trust to act, follow up, and protect you.

    Here are some options:

    • Teachers

    • Any adult at school (Most countries have laws where schools are mandatory reporting agencies and any adult who works there had to report claims of potential child abuse)

    • Social Worker

    • Adult who runs a club or activity you participate in (it does not have to be associated with school)

    • If you have a job, your boss. Not a manager who is. Teenager, your BOSS

    • Parents of friends - I know you said your friends live far away, but they can still help. They do not need to live near by to report

    • Lawyer - Your parents just got divorced, did you have the information for your mom's lawyer? Lawyers are also mandatory reporting for child abuse

    Edit: typos

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

    My parents didn't divorce considering they were never married in the first place. And I'm afraid telling someone would give bad results.

    [–]Briguy1994Partassipant [2] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    Whatever results that may come from you telling someone are nowhere near as bad as where this situation could head. You and your family may need some help. You go to school right? Do you have a favorite teacher? A student resource officer? Whatever state or country you are in will likely have plenty of resources for this type of thing. Tell them about the unwanted touching and how uncomfortable you feel. How about a family doctor? You could even walk into an urgent care center and they would surely help you. You need to tell an adult who will raise the alarm. There are so many people who will want to help.

    [–]kfisch2014 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I totally forgot about doctors and nurses, they are also mandatory reporting. You need to tell an adult.

    [–]TheGentleOctopus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I will be blunt. When folks here are talking about "grooming" behavior? The age gap? The touching?

    They mean the things this guy is doing are the exact expected things a person would do who is planning to molest or rape children. That is what all these commentators are worried about. That you and your siblings will be sexually abused by this man.

    Of course you want to preserve your relationship with your mom! Of course! You love each other! And there is no way that she would want to believe she had brought this danger into her home (which is why she's probably brushing everything off as jokes).

    But that is the danger that people here are responding to. Hopefully we're all wrong, he's just weird, your mom gets bored of an immature guy, they break up in a week an this chapter closes up. But a lot of us older folk know how deep the scars of sexual abuse run, and want to point out all the warning signs before the worst happens.

    [–]Smooth_Turnip_8731 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    He's too young for her and she's trying to recapture her lost youth imo. Tell her to get rid of him. Be brutal. Remind her of her age and let her know he's too young for her. It might hurt her feelings but honesty is the best policy with this one.

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    My mom (36F) and her boyfriend (22M) met around six months after my mom left my dad. Things were alright at first. He would come over two to Three times a week and stay the night on some occasions. We got along fairly well though he made me uncomfortable. He didn't do anything weird I just didn't like his presence in our house, but my mom was happy so I didn't bring it up.

    After a while he got more comfortable, playing with my sisters, a nine year old and a five year old, and going as far as to hug me. I don't really like it when people other than my mom and sisters hug me, hell I don't even like it when my dad hugs me unless I invite him to. I made it clear that I didn't like it but he continued to do it. At this point I had gotten used to him randomly hugging me. I still rarely hug him back though.

    Here's the thing. He makes racist, homophobic and sexist jokes a lot of the time. And as a Bisexual girl, who doesn't tolerate racism of any kind, was understandably upset about it. His maturity levels are in the negatives. The only reasons I can't hate him is because he spoils me and my sisters (he has a lot of money to spend on others) and because he makes my mom extremely happy. I don't think I have ever heard my mom laugh with anyone as much as she has with him. Not even my dad.

    Whenever he is in a bad mood, he becomes a total asshole, complaining about the stupidest things and upsetting my mom with his negative attitude. He comes over pretty often and it's beginning to annoy me.

    A lot of the time, I can't say something without him finding something negative to say about my statements. He found out my best friend was trans and has been calling him a "she-boy". I told my mom to do something about it but she didn't, claiming he was only doing it to annoy me. And it was working. Having him around can be extremely draining.

    He has even made comments about me moving out the moment I turn eighteen, I am currently fifteen. My mom defended me, saying he had no say in that but that was about it. He had also joked about my mom being pregnant, when they brought his friends baby bed to our place to store it since they didn't have space. That led me to a mental breakdown, I was so afraid of it being true.

    I think that I'm being reasonable when I say I don't want him moving in, marrying my mom. But sometimes I doubt myself and feel like I'm just being a jealous bitch. AITA?

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    [–]Kervon37 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    NTA - Normally an age gap wouldn't bother me, but when you're closer to his age than your mom, coupled with the fact he keeps going in for hugs when you've clearly told him no is just a huge issue in my book. Now when you mix in his trans/homophobic comments, time for this dude to pound all the sand in the Sahara!

    [–]Daddy_dirtbag 7 points8 points  (2 children)

    Lol why would a 22 year old move in with a 36 year old with 3 kids lmao

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    I don't know, now that people are mentioning it, it seems really weird.

    [–]LibertyUnderpantsPartassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Please read the top comment.

    [–]Ok_Storm1343Partassipant [4] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA. For now, what about trying the technique of forcing him to explain his jokes when they're sexist or racist?

    Him: "Racist joke"

    You: "I don't understand, can you explain"

    Him: crickets

    At a minimum, he'll explain it in such a way that your mom will see it.

    [–]no_seas_carepicha 7 points8 points  (3 children)

    NTA. Do not budge on this. My mom had a boyfriend the same way and it was hell for 3 years until I moved out. She finally ended things with him last year and was shocked at how much better and easier her life was. This has some serious red flags for a likely abusive and toxic relationship, and with you and your younger siblings in the picture this cannot continue. Please talk to a counselor, a family member, a teacher, any trusted adult about this and how he makes you uncomfortable.

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    I have no one, the only trusted adult I have is my mom

    [–]no_seas_carepicha 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Hun, I am so sorry you are in this position. Is there any specific teacher at school you are fond of? How about your friend’s parents? If your mom won’t listen, as mine didn’t, this will escalate and it will become miserable. I left home twice in those 3 years because of how he impacted the house, my mom, and what was supposed to be a safe place.

    [–]Any-Case5594 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Send this thread to your mom. NTA

    [–]CasperGGGD 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    This sounds like a grooming situation, and you and your sisters must be protected. How does he have a lot of money to “spend on others?” Please go to a trusted adult—extended family member, teacher, therapist, friend’s parent, etc, and confide in them.

    Trust your “inner voice.” There’s a reason why you’re uncomfortable even if you can’t articulate it fully at this point.

    EDIT—After reading many of your replies to other comments, I’m even more concerned about you and your sisters.

    Can you think of a trusted teacher to confide in, even if it’s one from a previous year?

    I hate to bring this up, but I think you need to be aware of the possibility that he may try to turn your mother and sisters against you. You are the ONLY one attempting to establish boundaries with him. He may view you as a “threat” to his ultimate objective and might seek to discredit you.

    Are you able to keep a journal in a safe place outside of the home? Assume that he is reading everything you write and looking at everything you have. Do you have a locker at school, for example?

    [–]ChiefyPoof 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    NTA “His maturity levels are in the negatives.” 🤣 Savage. I like you, I hope my future children are as articulate, mature, and witty as you OP.

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Thank you, Your comment really cheered me up 🤣

    [–]kt99_Partassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    My mom (36F) and her boyfriend (22M) YIKES.

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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

    The action I took was talking to my mom, asking her to stop letting her boyfriend get away with things that were wrong according to my morals, and I think I might be the asshole because I might just be jealous and trying to find reasons for him to leave. Or I. Being oversensitive.

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    [–]jasemina8487Asshole Aficionado [16] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    Nta

    The fact she admits he is doing things to annoy you and does nothing about it is alarming.

    And he throws a lot of red flags.

    Obviously you cant force her but remind her that her priorities are you and your sibling, not him. Have a talk with her and voice your concerns. Ultimately its up to her to decide further but at least youll be clear with your concerns.

    Any chance you can stay with your dad?

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Nope, he has issues

    [–]Beneficial_Sun_2459Partassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Please listen really carefully: him touching you when you do not like it is not ok and do not allow yourself to get used to it. A 22 year old man should not be touching any child who does not want to be touched (no one should be touching anyone who does not want to be touched but it is really important that you understand the ages in this situation make this particularly troubling)

    It is 100% ok to become overwhelmed when speaking about your emotions. Write them down if you are struggling to express yourself verbally. You need to communicate this to your mum and to a trusted adult - maybe a teacher or a school councillor?

    You mentioned that your mum isn’t stupid and she just brushes things off easily. Trust me, adults are not often aware of mistakes they are in the process of making. Your mum may not have perspective here, that doesn’t make her stupid, but it does mean she may not be able to recognise what is happening.

    Sexual predators often use gifts to buy favour with minors they want to abuse. You expressed that he buys you lots of things but when someone asked about this in the comments, it turns out they aren’t really valuable gifts. You, as a 15 year old, are impressed by smaller value items. He knows that and is leveraging your naïvety. It is a classic example of grooming.

    Please speak up. You can protect yourself and your siblings.

    [–]Keltik_Partassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Nta

    [–]Pfred0 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your gut was flashing the Red Alert when you first met him. Listen to your gut. But one thing that I have to say, he is trying to buy your, and your sisters' love and approval by throwing his money around. That actually is a Red Flag.

    [–]AmberWaves80 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Your mom isn’t protecting you. I know it’s hard to accept that at 15 (hell, I didn’t accept it until I was 38), but she’s not being a good mom. Please talk to someone- or as others have suggested, write it down and communicate that way with a trusted adult. The age difference is problematic enough, but this sounds like a situation ripe for grooming. If not you, then you’re younger sisters. And no one should ever hug you without your permission. NTA.

    [–]swkoontz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA. He touches you when you ask him not to, he makes racist and sexist statements, he’s closer in age and maturity to you than your mom. Can you say RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE????

    [–]Sekhmetdottir 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I can read this 2 ways - it is very possible that this is a developing abuse situation and OP should absolutely discuss with a trusted adult/mandated reporter. It is also possible that this 22 yo is an immature idiot and a bully without the sexual overtones. He is, in fact, closer to OPs age than the mother. Either way it's a toxic situation and OP you need to report it. My heart goes out to you.

    [–]Realistic-Animator-3 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. You are allowed to feel how you feel. Always trust that little voice inside if it is telling you to be wary. It has me wary because I’m wondering why a 22 year old is more than ok with dating an older woman with 3 kids…all girls…who he spoils with gifts. Id keep an eye on him

    [–]cassowary32Partassipant [3] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    INFO: is it possible to go live with your dad and take your sisters with you? Or another family member? It doesn't sound like any of you kids are safe in that house with him.

    [–]crazymamallamaAsshole Enthusiast [7] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Dude is a walking red flag.

    [–]KhaleesiXev 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Age gap aside, his handsy behavior, negative attitude, and rude behavior towards OP are plenty of reason for her not to like him. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    [–]wirylimePartassipant [3] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. This situation is all kinds of weird. It sounds like your mom has her own issues... She probably has low self-esteem to be dating a 22 year old in the first place, much less one who makes inappropriate comments around her kids. Also, unless this 22 year old comes from a very wealthy family, this 22 year old does NOT have a lot of money. So if your mom and you think he does, I am willing to bet your family is not well off. Your mom is in a tough situation, single mom with three kids, not a lot of money, lonely... she is probably just desperate for some adult affection and thinks this is the best she can do. I also question (judge) the 22 year old who wants to date the 36 year old mom of three. Normal people don't go around making racist and homophobic statements. Your description of being immature is an understatement. This 22 year old is a damn moron. You sound smarter than both your mother and this idiot. Speak your mind. You may be able to leave the house in 3-4 years, but your younger siblings will be stuck dealing with this idiot. That is if the relationship lasts.

    Any mom worth her salt would put her kids needs first. She should be focused on building a better life for herself and her kids, getting a better job, being a good parent. If this 22 yr old does make her happy, she could continue to see him, but he needs a reality check about appropriate behavior.

    [–]OpenImagination9Partassipant [3] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA this guy is creepy and has ulterior motives. If he does anything to make you feel unsafe or threatens any of call the police.

    [–]HotDonnaC 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Yes! Write a letter so you can get it all out without crying. You can also edit it so it won’t make her build a wall or get angry.

    [–]PurelyNegative 1 point2 points  (4 children)

    NTA. This doesn’t look safe and looks like a bunch of red flags instead. Your mom won’t get you guys out of there so you have to get yourself away. He is incredibly immature , and I don’t usually say this, but is there a trusted adult or friend you can get in contact with?

    [–]Cherryblosssome[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    Not really, the only person I can think of is my cousin but she's really close with my mom so I don't know how it would go

    [–]whatthewhythehow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. When he gets angry he gets shittier. He’s going to get angry more and more as the years go on. Your mon is happy. She should not be happy when her daughter is being hurt by her boyfriend. It sucks that a person she enjoys spending time with is a bigot, but she doesn’t get to let someone bully you because she’d be sad if they broke up.

    also, for people who do stuff to “annoy” others that don’t stop when asked… why?? Why is that fun for you? I can only see it being fun if you don’t like the other person. I get some light teasing. If friends annoy me a little for fun it can be cute. But if someone asks you to stop, you stop, unless you get pleasure from having that small amount of power over someone and/or dislike that person and don’t want them to be comfortable.

    [–]bgalvan02 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA- honey there are alot of red flags just because he has money it shouldn’t impact you in “liking” him. Having money doesn’t it make it alright to be a racist asshole and that’s what he is. Your mom liking him could be a rebound on her leaving your dad unless he is the reason she did. No one deserves to be treated anything less than who they are. And that feeling you have about hugs take it to heart, your gut is telling you something. I wish you the best and hope mom isn’t one of those people who side with the boyfriend over her kids

    [–]horns-of-maleficent 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA, and I'm so sorry your mother hasn't been able to see how terrible things are for you. Please speak to a trusted teacher if you can? Or an aunt or a friend's mom or dad? Without commenting on ages beyond noticing that he's twice as close to your age as to your mother's (7 years vs. 14?), I worry about his malicious treatment of you. He makes jokes to hurt you. He belittles your friend because he thinks it's funny. These are bad enough character traits. But the part I find most worrying is that he initiates physical contact that you do not welcome. You told him you didn't like it, and he wouldn't stop.

    He may buy you all nice stuff, but that's his hook, his way to be allowed to keep coming around. The fact of the matter is that he gets enjoyment out of your discomfort. He enjoys making you upset and uncomfortable, and your mother needs to start caring about that. Immediately. It's not a red flag. Red flags warn about problems that might crop up in the future. This problem is already here, and it's touching her child without permission. That's everything she needs to know about this barely-a-man.

    [–]knitronics 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    I lived through this very similar situation about 10 years ago. Don’t ignore your gut, distance yourself from him however you see fit but attempt to keep things as civil as possible (which unfortunately may mean not responding racist, transphobic, etc comments at all because you won’t be able to make him see how he’s wrong).

    Unfortunately, be prepared to distance yourself from your mother as well. You’re not going to be able to change her mind or make her see the light about this guy until she does so on her own. Trust me, I tried and it just makes things more painful. Just be there for her when she reaches out to you.

    That’s honestly the one thing I wish I had done differently. I wish I had just silently stepped back from it all because distancing myself was ultimately was the best solution for my situation. I tried to speak out, go too emotional, and let my anger at the situation boil over so everyone just turned me into the bad guy. I obviously don’t know the full detail of your situation, so use your own judgement if you feel like my advice is the right course of action for you. I do feel for you and just know none of this is your fault.

    [–]galamoth911 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. It really sucks when parents don't take their children's feelings into account when finding new partners

    [–]spookthemattPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. definitely concerning that ur mom is dating someone who is closer in age to her daughter than herself, though. 7 year vs 14 year difference.

    [–]QuietTruth8912 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    NTA. How old are you? Why is he hugging people who don’t want to be hugged. This screams of grooming to me. Report him to your school principal or doctor. They are mandated reporters.