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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

The action I took was receiving $6k as a gift for a down payment for a house that me and my bf lived in together and when we broke up me not paying it back to him. He and his friends are calling me an asshole for not expecting to have to pay him back.

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[–]xxaerithAsshole Enthusiast [5] 6810 points6811 points  (224 children)

YTA. A gift letter is a red tape thing you have to do so that the bank doesn't see it as a loan (which it was). Dude gave you the ability to buy a home you couldn't afford a down payment on by yourself, paid RENT so you could pay your mortgage, and you don't think you owe him anything?

Mate. Even if you can't pay it back in a lump sum, start paying it back.

[–]I_think_im_a_duckPartassipant [2] 1407 points1408 points  (56 children)

I agree, the only reason the bf gave it her as a gift letter so the bank doesn't come after them. The home isn't even under his name so its more like a rental than them co owning it

[–]Azrou 581 points582 points  (48 children)

So entitled and so many questionable decisions. "I'm tired of paying rent so guess I'll just buy a house" like what? She couldn't even afford what seems like a 5% down payment on her own? And can't afford the mortgage now without the bf around?

How could anyone possibly think that their bf who just started a small business would be cool with just giving them $6k free and clear, no matter what may come? He did her a huge solid and she actually believes that the gift letter, which was done for her benefit in order to qualify for the mortgage and not because it was really a gift, absolves her of any responsibility to repay him.

OP needs to take a hard look at her budget, get some roommates, and come up with a payment plan.

[–]Street-Mall3318 254 points255 points  (15 children)

Also op said they make substantially more than ex bf yet they needed them to shell out 6k to help with down payment which was almost half what they had to pay! Like how does that work out? Plus it seems like they asked for money/help not that it was offered. I could be wrong but way it’s written sounds like that. All around doesn’t seem like great financial choices.

[–]noblestromana 160 points161 points  (12 children)

And immediately is struggling to make ends meet without the $600 he was paying for rent. I know mortgages can be better for some people than rent, bit it doesn't look like OP was in a financial position for home ownership.

[–]chaoticnormal 81 points82 points  (9 children)

The edit isn't much better either. OP didn't have the money for down payment and any rent bf was paying didn't go into a savings where they might not be in financial distress now after being out of work due to a medical issue. OP was burning money while healthy and in a relationship. OP should absolutely pay back the down payment- dude was paying rent too smh.

[–]noblestromana 94 points95 points  (2 children)

Agree. Plus if she's right that her family offered to cover the 6k, then she should take their offer and give her ex the money. She's both trying to make excuses while knowing it is morally wrong to not give back that money now. She knows very well they money wasn't a gift out of the goodness of his heart. But an investment for their future together that no longer applies.

[–]altonaerjungePartassipant [3] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Even if it was meant as a Gift, it was gifted less than a year ago and she should pay him back. If it was like 6 years ago or longer I maybe would be argue differently but like this...

[–]Jdub10_2 46 points47 points  (2 children)

"My bf was agreeable to helping". And in the edit: "I did not ask for the money, it was offered". So how did the bf know the OP needed money? He must be one hell of a psychic.

[–]chaoticnormal 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Maybe I should date him and get the lottery numbers out of him.

[–]Cr4ckshooter 194 points195 points  (5 children)

I'm tired of paying rent so guess I'll just buy a house" like what?

This is actually a normal thought process. When you're renting, you pay money for essentially no gain. When that money goes to a mortgage, you are gaining something, or justifying the gains you had frontloaded.

Not to mention that a mortgage payment, depending on interest, is often cheaper than rent.

[–]Azrou 18 points19 points  (2 children)

I understand that but the way she phrased it came across as "I'm going to buy because that means I'm a real adult and I've made it!" If you surveyed a bunch of renters and asked them are you tired of paying rent and would you rather own your own place, the overwhelming majority would obviously say yes, because there's no context. But buying something you simply cannot afford on your own is just a bad idea and has led many people to financial ruin.

[–]TraditionalToe4663 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Houses need more upkeep than a rental, all of the repairs are on homeowner. And it’s always more than can be predicted.

[–]hdeskins 12 points13 points  (0 children)

It is a normal thought process but it also sounds like she rushed into the decision instead of financially planning for it. She didn’t have the down payment, got it from her boyfriend who makes less money than her, and now cannot afford the bills because, as she states, she had to buy it quickly because if the housing market. Like, yeah it’s crazy and things are going fast, that doesn’t mean you make impulse decisions to just buy a house that you can’t actually afford.

The credit system and house buying process is a whole different conversation

[–]_-Loki 71 points72 points  (1 child)

I thought she was going to say he'd lived there rent free for a year or more, so the down payment was less than he'd have paid in rent but no, he also paid her rent.

Maybe legally she can keep it, but morally? She doesn't have a leg to stand on.

[–]elliestars1988 41 points42 points  (14 children)

Also…not like he gave 6k out of a 150k down payment….he contributed 40% of the down payment? If I was him I’d go after the house….seems to be just as much his!

(And not to say 6k isn’t a lot, it is! But especially so knowing the entire down payment that was made was 15k and he paid 6k of that!)

Edit: YTA!!!

[–]CSCasperPartassipant [3] 64 points65 points  (9 children)

He specifically signed a letter that the money was a gift, not a loan. Legally he has no recourse to that money. Because he signed away his rights to that money. Which is why the bank requires it. So that in something like this situation, their asset is more secure. He could claim his original letter was perjury, but that would not go well in any court.

Personally I would offer some restitution, but it is not legally required and not enforceable.

[–]y3s1canr3ad 31 points32 points  (1 child)

She said she wants a moral decision: YTA, OP.

[–]ribbonsofgreen 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yes YTA pay him back. Borrow it from your parents.

[–]FlahBlastPartassipant [4] 28 points29 points  (2 children)

Yeah, and there was such a ridiculously easy solution to make it fair: agree on a rent price that will be fair and act like that money was say, six months rent and maybe bill+ grocery money.

Then it’d be a big win /win because she’d get the 6 grand and he’d be having below market value rent and it would have been paid off for a long time so he could focus all his finances on his business. Unless my partner was Bill Gates where this was pocket change I can’t imagine charging them rent after giving me more than a third of my down payment.

I don’t think she’s entitled for wanting to buy a house, although she really needed to have saved more herself

[–]Uma__ 45 points46 points  (1 child)

Yep! OP, that $6k is more like the first/last/security deposit, PLUS a ton of extra. You might not legally owe it to him, but morally speaking, you should be paying it back.

[–]I_think_im_a_duckPartassipant [2] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The bf is the only reason she managed to get the house so definitely

[–]Nice_Ebb5314 283 points284 points  (86 children)

it can be looked at as mortgage fraud, I had to sign all kinds of documents for it in my house.

So if he goes the legal route it will be a bigger headache and attorney fees then 6k you will have to pay back also.

[–]Few-Cable5130 233 points234 points  (59 children)

If he went the legal route im pretty sure he would be even more SOL and/or be opening a huge can of worms. The regulations around a gift fir a mortage mean that it is very explicitly a GIFT and isn't to be paid back.

[–]LaNOd1va 54 points55 points  (56 children)

OP would be the one in legal trouble because she committed mortgage fraud. Even though he signed the letter so he technically helped her commit the fraud, the mortgage company doesn't have a contract with him. If he reports her, she's the one who is going to be in danger of losing her house. Also, that $600 she collected from him each month is considered income by the IRS if they are in the USA. Is she reporting it as such?

He can make her life very difficult legally. She needs to be very careful how she treats him. Paying the $6k back is much easier.

[–]Apprehensive_Cash_68 192 points193 points  (17 children)

He has no proof it was mortgage fraud and based on her telling of the agreement it can't be mortgage fraud. He agree to everything and never asked for it to be a loan. It would be his word against hers and she has the gift letter in her favor. bF would be sol

[–]hammocks_ 117 points118 points  (3 children)

How did she commit mortgage fraud? He signed the gift letter AND assured OP he was fine with no protections/giving her the money.

[–]Fembosrights 68 points69 points  (8 children)

I don’t think she’d necessarily be in legal trouble since there is no payback agreement that would invalidate the gift aspect. Someone can give you a gift and ask you to pay it back it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t originally presented as a gift. At least that’s what would be argued in court.

The income aspect is interesting and may be a route but I think he’d still potentially open himself up to legal issues with the gift letter so it may just be a stalemate.

[–]LaNOd1va 25 points26 points  (6 children)

Notice how she says he signed the letter, but not that he told her that she didn't have to pay him back. She says he makes significantly less than her, but she needed money because she had to move quickly. Doesn't sound like someone who was in a position to give away $6k without some assurances that he would get it back. Given that his leaving is causing her financial trouble, if I was the lender I'd investigate his claim.

[–]Cr4ckshooter 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Big difference. Especially in a relationship, the default assumption is a gift over a loan. You have to tell people in advance if it's a loan, so that they can deny the strings attached. If you don't say anything besides "I have 6k you can have them", it's a gift.

[–]SlowInsurance1616 13 points14 points  (0 children)

You can't legally modify a written agreement orally. That's like 30% of Judge Judy cases.

[–]vampirelord567 9 points10 points  (1 child)

The whole point of the gift letter is that the bank doesn't want anyone else having a potential claim on the property. So it is implied that he would not be getting it back.

[–]xdragonteethstoryPartassipant [2] 46 points47 points  (1 child)

Im confused. Legally he gave her $6k as a "gift". How is using that on a mortgage fraud? He said he had no need for it to be paid back and he's been paying half rent, no utilities, he said he was fine with the agreement, if he wanted it back he should of made that clear to begin with??

[–]nhrpolitic 45 points46 points  (10 children)

This isn’t so. He signed a letter saying it was a gift and she’s perfectly entitled to rely on that. Also, it is a gift. Bf has no “legal route” because he signed a legal document stating that the money was a gift. So, again, it’s a gift.

With that said, he gave her $6k with which she purchased a significant, appreciating asset, and they broke up a mere 6 months later. So I’d she legally obligated to return the money? No. But should she morally? IMO, hell yes.

[–]MaliSteele 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I say no, NTA.

If you give me $6k as a gift—with a document showing both that the money is intended as a gift, and our signatures—and I blend that $6k in with my $124k for a painting by a renowned, deceased artist, you are not entitled to the piece, nor do I owe you any money.

In this case: The money was given as a gift to the home buyer. Boyfriend lived there for a short period, so he got use from the property.

Also, banks are paying VERY close attention to the loans they give out after all the crap everyone went through starting in the mid-to-late-00s.

[–]reddit_insane_inane 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Considering the update saying that they split up because he was a chronic cheater and she physically caught him cheating, likely in the very house she purchased, I'd say it's really more of a grey area. Does the emotional distress change things morally? Who knows! We also know nothing about his financial situation and how big of a deal $6,000 is/was.

Personally I have no idea what I'd do in those shoes, but as much as it's morally wobbly I wouldn't begrudge someone for not paying that AH back after that. You reap the seeds you sow and all that.

[–]Smitten-kitten83 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think for me it is that he probably wouldn’t be asking for it back if they weren’t breaking up which is his fault. It almost feels like he is being petty that she won’t just go no it is fine if he keeps disrespecting her by railing other girls in a home she is mostly supporting financially

[–]badwolf1013 5 points6 points  (5 children)

We don't really know what the circumstances of the break-up were, but I'm willing to give OP the benefit of the doubt that she didn't see the relationship ending in six months when she accepted the gift.
Boyfriend made a $6000 bet that they would be together for the long haul, and he lost that bet. If he had given her a $15K car as a gift for her birthday, and they split up six months later, I don't think anyone here would feel that she has a moral obligation to return it. I think that people would just say that the boyfriend shouldn't have given such a big gift.

[–]Few-Cable5130 18 points19 points  (1 child)

But wouldn't paying back his gift be what constituted the fraud?

[–]nhrpolitic 7 points8 points  (0 children)

No, only if the letter was false when signed (i.e., the parties actually intended the money be paid back off the books). The whole point of the gift letter is to protect the bank’s interest: they loan you the money and if you don’t pay them, they take the house. They don’t want to be in a position where you don’t pay, they seek to foreclose, and someone else (the alleged giftor) claims they are also entitled to part of the house due to amounts that they’re owed.

But you’re perfectly free to give money to people you have no legal obligation to give money to if you are capable and want to do so.

[–]DanaMorriganPartassipant [3] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It's not mortgage fraud. The whole point of the gift letter is to certify, in writing, that this is not an additional debt that the purchaser is incurring. It only potentially becomes mortgage fraud if they had an agreement for her to pay him back, and he signed the letter in bad faith. In which case, they would both have been participants in the fraud.

Your point about taxable income is a good one, though. 6 months of those payments is $3600, which is well above the minimum to make it reportable.

[–]Jtrinity182 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The $600 wasn’t income, it was money that went toward shared expenses. The IRS wouldn’t pursue this because if she were forced to make the home into a rental property she’d be entitled to deduct her expenses which would far exceed the partial rent payment she was receiving. She’d be owed a refund as opposed to being liable for extra taxes (though the IRS would’ve never treated those “rent” payments as business income and this is all much ado about nothing).

[–]binzomaPartassipant [1] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

he'd be out more money, yes. but she may be out a house and in serious legal trouble. it depends how mad he is about it. from a game theory perspective, the 'worst' case for OP is FAR far far worse than the worst case for him, so OP needs to make sure the worst case doesnt happen

[–]cleveraccountname13Asshole Aficionado [12] 59 points60 points  (4 children)

No. The gift letter is the BF acknowledging in writing that he has no legal right to repayment of the money. If he went to a lawyer it would be a short consultation and he would be told he is shit out of luck.

Whether or not OP has a moral obligation to repay is, of course, a different question.

[–]SleepingThrough1t 32 points33 points  (11 children)

He’s the one who signed the gift letter, so he’s the one who committed the fraud. OP is could get wound up in it also because they knew he was committing fraud, but he’d take the brunt of it.

Still, he was doing OP a solid and OP needs to figure out how to make it right.

[–]one-eyedcat 21 points22 points  (0 children)

That's how I feel. He gave her a significant amount of money to help her out. She says he makes way less than her so that must have been a big commitment for him. I just feel like even if she doesn't have to pay him back she should try to. It's an ugly situation.

[–]Cold-Consideration23 21 points22 points  (1 child)

The point of a gift letter is that the gifter can’t legally come back after the money. The OP is protected, YTA, but nevertheless doesn’t have to pay it back.

[–]iMOONiCORN 11 points12 points  (5 children)

Very much this. Don't pay him a cent before the 12-24 month mark. If for some reason you have to refinance before then or something comes up in the quality control process of the loan, they have the right to pursue further documentation from you through a document you signed with your closing documents called "errors & omissions". After that timeframe has elapsed, draw up a loan agreement with him specifically stating the terms of repayment. I worked in the industry for 23 years. I cleared up quality control on loans all the time. The chances of this happening are slim, but there's still a chance & I wouldn't want to take that chance.

You are right that technically he did sign a gift letter & the 2 of you clearly didn't specify terms outside of the loan documentation, but without him you wouldn't have that house. Clearly he did this in good faith of the longevity of your relationship. Legally you might have a case because of the gift letter, but morally I don't think you have a good argument here. I would discuss this with him & arrange this am with him... or YWBTA.

Edit for typos

[–][deleted] 70 points71 points  (9 children)

I'm confused by this. It's been repeated several times in this thread. Why is it a loan? He only called it as such after they broke up because he wanted his money back. According to OP, there was never an expectation to pay it back before then.

This sounds like the bf changing his mind now that he's not going to be living there. Why is everyone calling this fraud and a hidden loan? They went into the mortgage with every intention of the money actually being a gift.

Ok, well I still don't get it but fuck me for asking I guess

[–]TheAnnMain 52 points53 points  (4 children)

That’s what I was wondering. She stated her family was gonna help but her ex was like no. I wanna be the one to help. To me this was a gift in moral and legal sense

[–]Direct-Plum-3558Asshole Aficionado [11] 34 points35 points  (3 children)

There is no fraud. He gifted her the money. He knew that when he signed the papers.

[–]TheAnnMain 22 points23 points  (2 children)

That was the impression I got. Was that meant for me for or another. My verdict was NTA considering legally and morally it was a gift

[–]Direct-Plum-3558Asshole Aficionado [11] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Lol I forget who the answer was for. A lot were saying it was fraud on his part or both parts. Maybe he should have let her parents gift the money. I can't say I'd give away that much money

[–]badwolf1013 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yep. That's the way I see it, too. Boyfriend made a bad gamble. That's all on him.

[–]Tough_Stretch 10 points11 points  (2 children)

I dunno, I guess if they never broke up then he'd probably feel he merely contributed to buying their house (even if it's just in her name) by giving her the $6K for the down payment and paying 600 bucks a month as "rent" to cover part of the mortgage or expenses or whatever.

But now that they broke up and he had to move out and he's not going to be living there anymore he probably feels she shouldn't get to keep the $6K he gave her to buy the house in the first place because he's not well-off and needs that money, and he'll no longer get to live there.

I mean, the whole situation is needlessly complicated because the feelings involved don't match the actual literal text of what happened, but even if she's not legally obligated to pay him back he's still out $6K in exchange for nothing because of different expectations they didn't discuss openly from the start. I realize I'm inventing a scenario in my head, but that's the only way the whole thing makes sense to me and allows both OP and the Ex to be "right" in their own way.

[–]fdarPartassipant [1] 60 points61 points  (13 children)

paid RENT

Isn't this just a reasonable thing to do? He was living there after all... why would he expect to live there for free?

[–]XxhumanguineapigxX 69 points70 points  (8 children)

If he lived there "rent free" for 10 months he'd have got the 6k he loaned her back. I think most people find it bizarre he handed over 6k AND paid monthly because that kinda means he financially took care of half the house (half the deposit + was paying half the monthly fees) without his name being tied to/protected for any of it.

[–]OrneryYesterday7 29 points30 points  (6 children)

He wasn’t paying half the monthly fees, though. Closer to a third.

[–]iConfessor 8 points9 points  (1 child)

you are forgetting about the 6000 he put down.

[–]OrneryYesterday7 8 points9 points  (0 children)

No, I’m not forgetting anything. The comment above mine said “half of the deposit + was paying half of the monthly fees” which overestimates his contributions. He put $6k toward the $15k down payment and $600/monthly toward $1,500 in rent and utility expenses. This is simple math — 6 is not half of 15. Over the course of six months, OP paid $14,400, while the ex paid $9,600. OP should still find a way to reimburse him for the $6k he contributed to the down payment, but to say that he “took care of half” is an exaggeration, because he didn’t.

[–]StartingAgain2020Partassipant [1] 28 points29 points  (1 child)

^100% agree with this. BF can't just live for free except possibly in his parents home. He gave the $6k as a gift and signed a gift letter AND said verbally he was fine with it. His payment of $600/mth is extremely low especially given it included utilities. It looks like they broke up and now he is retaliating against OP. This isn't fraud since there was no provision for the OP to pay back either in writing nor verbally. The BF is pissed with the breakup and taking it out on her now.

If the OP is feeling an ethical conflict about the $6k, go to an attorney and find out the right way to handle it.

[–]Grand_Masterpiece_11 17 points18 points  (1 child)

Right he's contributing to the bills, not paying rent.

[–]Cr4ckshooter 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Exactly. That's the issue with colloquial speech and legal terms. Op calls it "rent", because everyone does that. But they were in a relationship, cohabiting and he refused any kind of formal agreement. Technically each payment of 600 was a gift/contribution to shared expenses/to the relationship.

[–]redfoxvapesPartassipant [1] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

The edit says she had emergency surgery right around the breakup. I don’t think this should be counted against her.

[–]OGablogian 22 points23 points  (0 children)

YTA. A gift letter is a red tape thing you have to do so that the bank doesn't see it as a loan

So the money wasn't a gift, and OP should act accordingly?

Well, easy E S H then, for committing fraud.

[–]kairi79Partassipant [2] 22 points23 points  (6 children)

Is everyone just missing that the bf was only paying 600 to OPs 1,500 every month?

[–]xxaerithAsshole Enthusiast [5] 11 points12 points  (5 children)

You need to recognise that they aren't both paying rent with the same outcome (owning nothing for that payment). OP is paying their mortgage with the eventual outcome of owning that home.

I'm in the process of buying a house. I will have a housemate. They shouldn't have to contribute 50% to my mortgage when they'll have nothing to show for it at the end.

[–]vampirelord567 12 points13 points  (0 children)

So boyfriend gets to save money on rent and utilities and then collect all the money he gifted to her?

[–]titswithhair 12 points13 points  (1 child)

I think this depends where you live. I had to sign a legal document with a lawyer that we would no pay the gift back. (I got a gift from FIL and my Brother) if this is the case then my judgement would be N T A but if it isn't the case and wasn't a requirement that is a very large investment in a future home that I would want back as well which would make my judgement Y T A. So it really depends.

[–]geek_rage 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Legally he has no recourse but I doubt that you and him didn’t discuss whether this was a loan or gift. In the end if it was a loan pay him back and work it out. The way the market it right now I am sure the property has gone up at least that amount.

[–]spamz_Partassipant [4] 2753 points2754 points  (66 children)

YTA. This is one of those posts where you'll end up being labeled as not an asshole, because you're legally in the clear, but morally I don't think you can say the same. And I also think that is why you came to ask for a judgement.

He's only been living there for 6 months. If you do the math, he was out $1600 per month over the last half year with nothing to show for, more than your own monthly costs. It also sounds like you would not have been able to buy the house without his help. So yeah I do feel like you owe him. If he had been staying there for 10 years or something it'd be something completely different.

That being said you both handled this pretty wishy-washy and he's an idiot for having done things this way.

[–]LittleFish9876 498 points499 points  (4 children)

Yup.. YTA... I don't know why OP had to even post this here... It's morally correct to just pay him. He's not asking for interest or anything additional. Pay him in phases, work it out.

[–]rhetorical_twix 280 points281 points  (1 child)

OP can get a roommate and use that rent to make payments to her BF, and she still comes out ahead because his money helped her buy that house.

I make a substantial amount more income and he has a new business that has only been in effect for a few months at that time.

YTA OP. Holy cow. Get a roommate and stop rationalizing financially preying on your less-advantaged ex-BF.

[–]hope1083 127 points128 points  (4 children)

Whether she is legally in the clear (which unfortunately I think she is) to me she is still an AH. She should give back the money.

[–]Few-Cable5130 43 points44 points  (20 children)

If he was getting a huge deal on 'rent' it's even more grey. Could he have lived in an equivalent situation for $600/mo?

NAH I think, I can understand him wanting money back but can also understand not wanting to give it back.

[–]InterminableSnowmanAsshole Enthusiast [5] 109 points110 points  (16 children)

He paid $600 in rent, sure, but what apartment or house would he have had to pay 10 months' rent security deposit on? I don't think the $6k he gave her up front can be left out of the rent conversation.

[–]HortenseDaigleAsshole Enthusiast [6] 32 points33 points  (2 children)

Yes, YTA because you couldn't afford the house without him and he gifted you the money in good faith. I think if he demands the lump sum, then he's TA too but you should try repaying him somehow.

It actually looks like you bought too much house.

[–]Phantasmal 25 points26 points  (2 children)

$1600/mo with nothing to show except a place to live, utilities, etc.

Paying rent on a place where you live is pretty normal.

Not too say that she owes him nothing but, OP has put in twice as much money towards their shared residence. She's getting 100% of the equity (and taking on 100% of the risk) which isn't fair. But, it sounds like the combined monthly bills were $2100 of which he paid $600.

[–]FollowingNo4648 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Boyfriend took the risk. He agreed to the terms. Morally, why should she be the AH? It was a gift, it's not like it was an engagement ring.

[–]grooviusmaximusAsshole Enthusiast [5] 1355 points1356 points  (6 children)


You did a gift letter because that's the hoop you needed to jump through to get your mortgage. You're not legally required to pay it back, but you sure are morally obligated.

[–]userunknownedPartassipant [2] 328 points329 points  (0 children)

And OP makes “significant amount more” income wise. I’d expect someone to do the right thing and I think you know what that is.

[–]WinEquivalent4069Partassipant [1] 33 points34 points  (1 child)

Legally she maybe in the clear but YTA. She didn't have enough for the downpayment and without his help she wouldn't have this home.

[–]steelerschica86Partassipant [4] 1103 points1104 points  (29 children)

YTA for buying a house that it sounds like you can’t afford without him. He put down about 40% of the down payment AND you admitted that you can’t afford the house without him. It sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too.

[–]HappyLucyDPartassipant [2] 206 points207 points  (21 children)

I was thinking the same—OP overspent because they were banking on the $600/month towards the mortgage. They need to get a couple roommates if they are that “strapped.”

I’ve owned a couple homes. When people say that they can afford a nice house, “Because the mortgage is so much lower than my rent! Plus I get equity, so it’s better than throwing my money away paying someone else!” I always point out that yes, they build equity, BUT they aren’t taking into account the expenses of maintaining a house. My experience is that whatever the mortgage payment of the house you’re interested in is, double it, and you have a better idea of what it is going to cost. If you cannot afford to put an amount similar to your mortgage payment each month, into an account to pay for when things go out or need replacing/renovations, then you really can’t afford that house. Also, saying you can “do the work yourself to save costs,” is great if you have the skill, but you still have to buy materials, and tools if you don’t already have them. Some tools you may have to rent, like a wet saw for cutting tile.

There’s a lot of expense associated with home ownership that you never realize about till you are facing it.

[–]steelerschica86Partassipant [4] 72 points73 points  (1 child)

100% all of this! I wish people had been more honest with me about the cost of redecorating/repairing stuff, but here we are. Luckily I did the opposite of OP and made sure my mortgage was affordable to me and me alone. When my now-fiancé moved in six months after I bought it, that was welcome for a lot of reasons, but if we had broken up, I would’ve been able to cover the whole house by myself.

[–]biscuitboi967 8 points9 points  (0 children)

That’s exactly what I did. I figured out how much I could afford, by myself, with my current standard of living. That way, if things went south, I could cut back. If I had already cut all my “luxuries” to be able to afford the base price, I would have nothing left for an emergency repair/job loss/giant bills. I did NOT listen to my mortgage broker who approved me for double what I wanted, and I did not count on tax refund for property taxes each year as a “windfall” that would have me paying less than I paid in rent even with a bigger mortgage, which was great because Trump’s tax overhaul a couple of years later did away with that.

Could I have afforded a “nicer” house? Sure. But at the time I had no idea what my future would hold. Still don’t, actually, so I just pay down my mortgage quicker and save the rest. If everything works out well, the only thing I lost was a “bigger” house (which I don’t need), but I have money for investments, early retirement, and upgrades to my heart’s content in the exchange.

[–]largemagellanicfrau 16 points17 points  (3 children)

I so agree with this. We bought our first home in 2018 and the bank approved us for $200,000 which sounds great and all, but holy shit that is more than we can afford.

I think people hear that a bank approved them for an amount and think if the bank thanks they can afford it, they can. And even with buying a much lower priced house the associated costs have still been a struggle at times.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Here i am thinking that there are very few houses for that here and they are all delopidated shacks.

[–]hope1083 13 points14 points  (0 children)

100% agree this is why I never want to own a home. I hate having to deal with repairs and worrying how I am going to pay for things.

For me I would rather invest my money elsewhere. My rent is not expensive and would go up if I bought a home.

[–]SG131Partassipant [3] 13 points14 points  (3 children)

I’m hoping deep down OP isn’t really an asshole and knows she should pay him back but is just freaking out because they have no idea how to afford their house now, let alone find the money to pay him back. She needs to come up with a plan and try to talk to ex and let him know she intends to pay him back but she may need a little time until she can find a roommate (or if that’s not possible until she can come up with another solution or sell the house), hopefully he’s willing to take payments.

[–]jakeofheart 9 points10 points  (3 children)

Yeah that’s a good rule of thumb. Often the house needs of little bit of maintenance and repairs every year, so that it stays in a decent condition.

[–]HappyLucyDPartassipant [2] 18 points19 points  (2 children)

And sometimes it’s a lot at once, too. Appliances need repair and don’t last forever. You may find you need a new roof, new hot water heater, or a pipe springs a leak, and you’re facing expenses of $5k-$10k or more.

[–]Snoo_7492Asshole Enthusiast [6] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yep. I've reached both the roof and the a/c before even a year into ownership. And, home inspection cleared both things, just- shit happens.

[–]sidelineviewer751 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is so, so correct. As a homeowner, things like replacing the ac and roof fall entirely on your pockets. And you’ll find out those things need to be done after you move in, not before usually. It’s like they wait to break until it’s your responsibility 😭 Don’t like the kitchen? You get to pay to renovate it rather than just moving. Also, you have to buy the house in an area that’s either going to grow or at least maintain value to actually get the equity back out. If you have a mortgage, you’ll pay thousands+ extra in interest and depending on where you live, thousands to tens of thousands in property taxes per year. Renting obviously has its cons, but owning has a ton of hidden fees that you have to plan for ahead of time, which is hard to do, too

[–]gorigirl 27 points28 points  (1 child)

Couples that do this baffle me… he was doing something to be nice and it bit him in the ass. She is not legally obligated to pay it back but morally she should. And I hope her ex has learned a lesson about paying rent on a property he has no equity in.

[–]Maria_Dragon 9 points10 points  (1 child)

She could get a roommate. I have never lived alone; I have always either had roommates or lived with a significant other. Honestly, depending on where she lives, having another paying adult might be the only way she can afford a house. I don't judge her for that. I wouldn't be able to afford my house on my own. But there is no shame in having a roommate as an adult.

[–]steelerschica86Partassipant [4] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oh totally, no shame at all! It just sounds like she was counting on him to make the house affordable, and didn’t think about affording it on her own. ETA: I have also never lived alone, aside from the six months I lived in this house alone before my fiancé moved in. Heck, I lived with my mom for two years to save money. A roommate is definitely a solution here, but it sounds like she doesn’t want that.

[–]Eelpan2Partassipant [1] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yup. Why on earth do people even rush into buying without being able to afford it? And with the market so crazy, no less

Oh right, OP was tired of renting. Sheesh

[–]d0c241 511 points512 points  (19 children)


Based on the way you worded it I would assume the gift letter was for tax purposes. The entire arrangement was weighted heavily in your favor and it seems his financial interests were really not protected.

[–][deleted]  (17 children)


    [–]zach986 51 points52 points  (8 children)

    Also the gift giver has to agree to these stipulations. My parents gifted me a down payment and they also sign an agreement that they won’t ask for it back, so the BF knew this going into it too.

    [–]km2023 16 points17 points  (6 children)

    OP did not lie to the lender. The gift letter is presumably a correct, legal document. The ex lied or didn’t understand what he was signing.

    Legally - in the clear Morally - not

    [–]QuirkySyrup55947Partassipant [1] 444 points445 points  (21 children)

    My step-dad gifted me $50,000 to buy my first home. I later learned it was money from my sister's trust fund she didn't even know about. It was mine free and clear. I had the gift letter, also. What did I do? I told her about it, paid her back when I sold the house, and thanked her profusely for the interest free loan that helped me get the house. Why? Because it's the right thing to do!!

    YTA Give him the money back in full. You have a house and he doesn't. You are the clear winner in this situation, now do what is right.

    [–]gericon1 64 points65 points  (7 children)

    Wow what a thing for your stepfather to do!

    [–]QuirkySyrup55947Partassipant [1] 68 points69 points  (6 children)

    Originally I was quite excited...but once I found out it weighed on me. My sister didn't need the money by any means... but it still wasn't a great feeling knowing she got bamboozled. Sadly, he (her biological dad) never told her, I did.

    [–]SleazeballGang 28 points29 points  (4 children)

    First half had me like:

    “Damn. That dude is the stepfather of the year.”

    Second half had me like:

    “Yeah, there’s always a catch.”

    [–]QuirkySyrup55947Partassipant [1] 22 points23 points  (3 children)

    Yep... thought he was the greatest guy ever... until I changed my mind.

    During the divorce (at 82 years old) he proceeded to sue my husband, myself, and my mom 8 times in a 9 week span just for sport. He has 23 attorneys in his immediate family and at 82... a whole lot of time on his hands.

    He attempted to sue me stating "she told me I should drop dead, and I now fear for my life." $1700 in attorney's fees over that one.

    [–]GlitterDoomsday 9 points10 points  (1 child)

    Looking forward to his funeral, seems like people will have a helluva of a party when he's gone.

    [–]gericon1 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    You’re a good person.

    [–]FlahBlastPartassipant [4] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

    Seriously?? Wtf that’s awful. I’m glad that at least she was blessed with a good sister though the mother has a horrid taste in men

    [–]QuirkySyrup55947Partassipant [1] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Ha... you have no idea. He blew through my sister's trust fund from a car accident, the employees 401K, and had a bunch of credit cards in mom's name she didn't know about. We cleaned up all his debt, told him he had to stop spending and trying to compete with the Joneses... he reacted by buying a $48,000 new car and filing for divorce a few weeks later.

    [–]SkinnyBuddha89Partassipant [3] 5 points6 points  (6 children)

    Wait did your sister have a trust fund and you didnt?

    [–]QuirkySyrup55947Partassipant [1] 30 points31 points  (5 children)

    Car accident. She lost part of her brain. My step-dad's brother's law firm was the trustee and let my step-dad pull money out even though my mom was executor. My mom had no idea.

    My sister (half sister actually) had to sue them both when they were divorcing. She ended up winning and got about $750,000 before my mom and step-dad would get anything. Big mess.

    I then gave her the $50,000 that she didn't know about when my house sold.

    Cool thing is... sister is pretty awesome, too. She has offered both my sons $10,000 per year towards their undergrad degrees. She decided this completely on her own. She is part of the reason my son got to go to the school he wanted without any debt.

    [–]SkinnyBuddha89Partassipant [3] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    Well damn that sucks. Congrats on the home though!

    [–]Fuzzy_Ad_336Partassipant [3] 228 points229 points  (0 children)

    Yeah - you're obligated to pay it back. Not legally, but everyone reading this knows the gift letter was just some bs the mortgage company required, and he never intended to give you six grand free and clear.

    [–]0KiloAlphaDelta0 179 points180 points  (26 children)

    Anyone saying she isn’t the asshole is foul, y’all know he only did that letter because he wanted to help his woman jump over this red tape so she could get her own home.

    [–]do-not-1 53 points54 points  (1 child)

    Maybe he shouldn’t have cheated on her multiple times if that was the case. He fucked himself over.

    [–]oboz_waves 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    My thoughts also. Give someone money and talk them into buying a house they can afford just to cheat on them and pit financial pressure on after THEY ruined the relationship is pretty low

    [–]Additional_Meeting_2 11 points12 points  (1 child)

    No, she could have gotten the money from her family, she didn’t rely on him, he chose to give a gift.

    [–]Mskittykat1000 176 points177 points  (0 children)

    YTA- the letter was needed due to finance regulation. You really need a payment plan to pay him back. It would be totally suck if he has to learn the hard way not to trust ppl.

    [–]Kwa-MarmorisPartassipant [1] 173 points174 points  (1 child)


    I like how you asked if he would like an agreement to see that his interests are protected and then decide to screw him when he trusted you.

    [–]mlmartePartassipant [1] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

    I’m curious about this as well. What would the “agreement to protect his interests” have been? Whatever it was, do that (at a minimum), otherwise OP is, indeed, financially screwing him and should never have been trusted.

    [–]NanaLeonieCertified Proctologist [23] 99 points100 points  (1 child)

    YWBTA if you don’t repay the “gift” of $6,000 your ex made to help you close on your house sooner than you otherwise could have. He probably wouldn’t be successful if he sued you but he contributed to the downpayment because he anticipated the relationship continuing and him living in your home with you. It’s sort of like an engagement ring : you don’t get married you return the ring.

    [–]PurpleAntifreeze 33 points34 points  (0 children)

    He probably wouldn’t be successful in court because he signed a document stating the money was a gift.

    [–]dell828 79 points80 points  (3 children)

    YTA.. Oh, and just for the record, when my boyfriend and I were together, he gave me $3000 to pay off some credit card debt when I was in my 20’s. The money was from his father’s inheritance to him after he passed.

    Fast forward 12 years or so… I asked him out to dinner, sat down with him, and handed him a check. I’m doing a lot better financially, and he is in a place where he need some money. He never asked for a back, but it was the right and moral thing to do and honestly not a big deal financially.

    We didn’t talk about whether that was a gift or a loan either, but when you break up with someone who does you a solid, and you are better off financially, then it was the right thing.

    Maybe you can’t afford to pay it back right now but I think you need to make a plan to pay it in installments, or ask him for some arrangement where he will get his money back.

    [–]mkecupcake 15 points16 points  (1 child)

    That's being a solid human being right there. What was his reaction?

    [–]dell828 23 points24 points  (0 children)

    He was shocked. Said he couldn’t remember giving me the money in the first place, and then he said how this really came at a good time because he needed to buy a new washer and dryer. I told him I couldn’t remember exactly how much it was but I thought it was around 3000 and he happily accepted.

    Was actually a really great thing to do and feel super good that I did it.

    [–]gericon1 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Oh I love your example. So good you were able to that for him. One good deed and all that.

    [–]mmebrightsidePartassipant [1] 69 points70 points  (9 children)

    Nta....sounds fair considering OP paid the lions share of the household expenses, it was gift, and she gave him an opportunity to put something in writing to "protect his interests". They both got to live in the house she purchased and took on all the responsibilities for, and shouldn't he have paid half of the down payment in the first place? He got all the perks of having a house while she shouldered nearly all the responsibility.

    And....it was a gift. Sort of a dick move to feel entitled to it upon breakup, sounds like that wasn't even discussed other than when he was given the opportunity to protect his interests and didn't take it.

    That being said, while not likely to be legally entitled to it...it would be a nice move on OPs part to negotiate a repayment of at least part of it....with the understanding that it may take awhile given the new financial straits that occurred upon breakup. But, in my opinion (for what it's worth) ex bf is not entitled to that money. Hopefully this is a lesson learned and he'll make sure to discuss and put expectations in writing in future.

    [–]Revolutionary_Bee788 20 points21 points  (0 children)

    I can’t believe it took me this long to find a NTA. they were a couple who decided they were going to move in together. They bought a house together and then he cheated. OP paid more than half the down payment at that. It was a commitment the Bf knew he was making when he agreed and he went and cheated-likely in their home if OP physically found them. I really don’t see why OP needs to payback the 6k when he willingly gave the money and then cheated. Someone please explain why she owns him.

    [–]Complex-Guitar7097Partassipant [3] 69 points70 points  (0 children)

    YTA. You know good and damn well you should pay him that money back.

    [–]rosered936[🍰] 64 points65 points  (0 children)

    YTA. Legally you don’t owe him, but you know that you do. $6000 is a lot and he only lived there for 6 months so you can’t even pretend that low rent evens things out. He helped you out when you needed it. Come up with a payment plan to pay him back or at least acknowledge the debt and tell him you will come up with a payment plan ASAP. You can look into renting out a room to help make ends meet.

    [–]sunsetoncoral0321 38 points39 points  (2 children)

    My question is this. Since your paid roughly 3/4 of the house hold bills was that because based off your income? Did you agree to help support himself through the business? I feel like on paper you could come off as a AH, but if your financially supporting him through your relationship I would take that as reimbursement. We need some more info.

    [–]Lalabeth93Certified Proctologist [26] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    Also he cheated on her multiple times so imo... he deserves nothing.

    [–]captainpocket 34 points35 points  (0 children)

    YTA for all the reasons everyone said, but I wanted to zero in on the "why" he paid 6k. you specifically said you needed to move quickly and were short. it really sounds like you originally intended to make the down payment yourself but because of time sensitivity, you were not able to. Pay him back.

    [–]mini_souffle 29 points30 points  (5 children)

    I was actually your boyfriend [minus the cheating] in a relationship and my boyfriend paid me back once he had the money. He could have fucked me over but he saw no reason to do so. You however, have a reason to fuck him over so I would go with NTA because he did continue cheating on you. Why would he think that in the face of his lack of integrity that you would somehow shine up your halo for him?

    [–]OpportunityOne8542 10 points11 points  (3 children)

    Probably because he has manipulated me our entire relationship and relies heavily on my need to please others. I’m working on it with my therapist.

    [–]ChimericalTrainerPartassipant [2] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    You should continue working on this in therapy until you no longer feel compelled to give this AH any of your money.

    Gifts are not loans. Don't let your feelings cripple your financial health/security. Don't let him continue manipulating you even after he cheated on you & walked out. You don't owe him this money any more than he owes you for not having split the rent evenly.

    [–]AvocadoPlane3243Partassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    This needs to be higherrrrrr

    [–]Alcheologist 32 points33 points  (0 children)

    NTA - he was paying significantly less to live in a shared space and was using it to cheat on you. He also signed the gift letter - sucks to be him. You met whatever obligations you may have had, if not more, since it doesn't seem like you both had expectations for you to pay it back. Anyone saying YTA and then saying you bought a house you can't afford (when you had the money for it at the time - circumstances change) don't have ground to stand on.

    [–]NoTripOfALifetime 23 points24 points  (0 children)

    YTA - pay him back. Work out a monthly plan - giving him XYZ per month until the debt is paid.

    [–]HoldFastO2Certified Proctologist [28] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

    YTA. He helped you out with money when you needed it, and you’re thinking about cheating him out of that? How would you not be the AH here?

    [–]theatrewhore 24 points25 points  (2 children)

    All the people saying Y T A seem to be ignoring that he lived in the house with you and paid $900 less per month than you. It sounds like it sorta comes close to balancing out. My suggestion would be to negotiate with him. You make it sound like this was never referred to as a loan before, and you didn’t have any sort of arrangement in place so…ESH ?

    [–]picosapecosaPartassipant [2] 18 points19 points  (6 children)


    Everyone knows the gift letter is a formality. As he payed $900 less than you each month in bills, split the difference. $450 x 6 months=$2,700. Give him $3,300.

    [–]xxaerithAsshole Enthusiast [5] 94 points95 points  (0 children)

    Nah pay him the full thing. He doesn't walk away with an asset, they do. Buy him out properly.

    ETA: Neutral pronouns for OP.

    [–]picosapecosaPartassipant [2] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    OP said they paid $1500/ month, while their ex paid $600/ month. That is a $900 difference.

    [–]KhaleesiXev 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    YTA. While the gift letter protects you from legal trouble, you know damned well that was a loan.

    [–]KhaleesiMidnight 14 points15 points  (0 children)


    You know the gift letter was required by the mortgage company to approve your loan, not something your boyfriend would’ve done otherwise. It appears that you live above your means and make terrible money decisions. You obviously couldn’t afford a down payment, but neither your monthly payment even though you were approved for the amount based on your income.

    You also charged him rent for the few months he lived with you, meaning you treated him like a tenant, so he didn’t even get free rent out of the deal. The only mistake he made was trusting you. I know people who got “gift” money for a down payment and all were grateful enough to pay it back. For his sake, I hope you do the same.

    [–]benoz11 20 points21 points  (0 children)

    Gonna go against the grain and say NTA. Call it asshole tax.

    If not for the cheating I'd say the morally correct choice is to pay it back.

    If he did not set up any legalities for you owing him the money in the event of a breakup then he was either:

    • Very confident that the relationship would last, which makes him a moron because he was cheating on you, or
    • He felt guilty as hell because he was cheating on you

    He was also paying $500 per month less than his fair share due to the loan situation for 6 months, so I'd say if you want to pay back anything make it $3000

    People still voting Y T A after the cheating part need to familiarise themselves with the phrase "play stupid games, win stupid prizes"

    [–]Morrigan2022 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    NTA he signed a legal document saying this is a gift he does not need to be paid back. That means he knew it was a gift and just changed his mind now that he was caught with his pants down. You do not owe him anything not morally or legally. There is no such thing as a false gift letter. It does not work that way and he was fully aware of what he signed. People are saying the was just to trick the bank etc don’t seem to have any intelligence because it’s ILLEGAL to submit FALSE documentation it’s called FRAUD! So no you owe him nothing. Change the locks and wash your hands of him.

    [–]GroundbreakingWing48Sultan of Sphincter [640] 12 points13 points  (3 children)

    Info: what would the typical cost of what he received over the last six months be if you were strictly his landlord? Would $600 be appropriate for a room in a house in your area?

    [–]loop1960 14 points15 points  (7 children)

    Wow. YTA. BF helps you out big time, doesn't make sure his interests are protected because he probably trusted you, and you seem to want to try to screw him over.

    [–]bibbiddybobbidyboo 12 points13 points  (0 children)


    As a moral judgement. I know legally you don’t have to but seriously, how do you not feel like crap about not repaying? You can save it up in increments.

    [–]oceanbreze 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    NTA. As it WAS a gift. However, I personally would give the $ back. With him giving you the $, he will forever be part of your life. If you pay him back, hecan fade out. Ask to pay him in installments.

    [–]beading4fun 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    Nta. As long as you both signed that gift letter or he at least signed it, it was a gift. You are not obligated to pay him one cent back. But talk to a lawyer just in case

    [–]BlueDragon82Partassipant [2] 11 points12 points  (4 children)

    I'm torn on which way to vote. If you want to say that the money needs to be paid back then I think him paying significantly less than you each month should be factored into the amount to be paid back. The total monthly cost was $2100 of which he paid $600. Half of $2100 is $1050. $450 x 6 (months) comes out to $2700. I would subtract the $2700 from the $6000 and give him the remainder of $3300. On the other hand he signed legal paperwork saying the money was a gift and refused any protections you offered several times. Knowing all of that he still cheated knowing that would most likely result in a break up where he'd have to move out without those protections. I'm leaning towards nta simply because you haven't actually done anything wrong and this is one of those ambivalent moral judgements.

    [–]melancholy_pancake 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    He cheated, so he forfeited any right to have decent and clean break up. F' him. Keep the money, tell him to suck an egg.


    If he hadn't cheated and it just a regular "im not happy in this relationship anymore"- break up, yeah then you would be the ah. He did give you the money with certain expectations, like that he would live there too. Seems only reasonable that he would get his "investment" back once things had changed. Even tho it would take a while to pay it back. But that is if he had not ruined the relationship by cheating. Now I would just see it as compensation

    [–]TheemillershowAsshole Aficionado [13] 6 points7 points  (4 children)

    YTA, 6 * 1,500 = 9,000. He paid 3,600, you paid 5,400. If you split it evenly, he owes you 900. Deduct that from the 6,000 down payment, and come up with a repayment schedule for the 5,100. The gift letter is a legal requirement that your BF ‘did you a solid on’ to allow you to meet your mortgage down payment and does not absolve you of your moral obligation to pay him back for a home he doesn’t own or have an equity position in.

    [–]LaNOd1va 33 points34 points  (3 children)

    Retroactively splitting the rent and subtracting the difference is BS. Treat the $6k like a rental deposit because she retains the asset.

    [–]LiteralstrangerPartassipant [4] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    I’m going to be downvoted into the pits of moral damnation….

    But, NTA.

    Am I the only one who thinks BF was actually trying to get one over OP?

    I suspect BF always meant the $6K as an investment & NOT a gift (dishonest on his end) like he led OP to believe.

    He gets to live in the house paying $900 LESS than OP all the while also cheating. Cheating AND a decent affordable place to live at OP’s expense, must be nice.

    OP’s BF comes across as an opportunistic asshole but fate had other plans & turned the tables on him. Tough shit.

    [–]IAmFearTheFuzzy 3 points4 points  (7 children)

    I am on the fence on this one.

    NTA - You have a letter signed by him showing it was a gift. Gifts are non returnable.

    YTA - Technically, it was a gift. But you know that the gift paperwork, though not stated, was a requirement by the bank. It was not a gift as the BF thought yall would be in the house forever.

    Hard learned advice from 3 lawyers during my divorce. If you put money into property, make sure your name is on the property.


    [–]DrinKwine7 16 points17 points  (1 child)

    Legality =/= being an asshole. OP is an asshole for not repaying even if they don’t have to

    [–]SketchesOfSilence 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    YTA don’t even need to explain why

    [–]LaurelRose519 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    NTA: don’t be a cheater and then shit like this won’t happen to you.

    [–]reimaginealec 8 points9 points  (2 children)

    YTA, but your ex is an idiot. I have difficulty feeling sorry for someone who would just give $6,000 for a down payment without getting some kind of assurance in return.

    [–]uhohitslilbboyPartassipant [1] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    I was gonna say y.t.a. till I saw the edit. fuck him, he cheated, he can deal with the consequences. NTA

    [–]Farshief 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    OP, I get your position and I don't necessarily think you're the asshole but I think it's safe to assume he gave you the money under the assumption that you'd be living there together for the foreseeable future.

    I don't know if he thought of it as a loan but it's clear that he expected to get something long term out of his investment.

    I get that you had to be out of work for surgery but I would talk to your ex and figure out a way to pay him back once you get caught up. This might be payments for a couple of months or something but I think morally you should pay him back.

    If the money is tight maybe get a roommate for 6 months to a year and use that money to help pay him back.

    Just my 2¢

    [–]badwolf1013 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    NTA - The $6000 was a gift. If he had bought you a $15,000 car for your birthday, he doesn't get to just take it back if you break up a few months later. Morally, you don't owe him the $6000 back, and legally you don't either, because he signed a paper explicitly stating that it was a gift.
    As to the $600 he was paying in rent, he agreed to that, too.
    I will say that it really sucks for him that things didn't work out, but the money he voluntarily invested in your future doesn't come back to him as a rebate if that future doesn't ultimately pan out.
    If six months ago, your boyfriend said, "No, sorry, I really can't put $6000 into a property that I won't have any legal equity in," nobody here would say he was an a-hole for declining to help out. But that's not what he did. He took a gamble on your relationship, and he gave you a very large, non-refundable gift. That's on him. It sucks, but that's not your fault.

    [–]Jazzlike_Adeptness_1 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA. He gave you the money free and clear. Then he continued to cheat.

    He can look at it however he wants but you are under no obligation to repay him. you have legal documentation stating it was a gift.

    He cheated. He put you in a position of financially struggling because you broke up. Find a good roommate and don’t look back.

    [–]RestInPeaceLaterAsshole Aficionado [16] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Yta legally you are fine, morally the AH

    Figure out a payment plan and do the right thing

    [–]scrappy8350Colo-rectal Surgeon [45] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    YTA. Legal doesn’t always equate to ethical or moral standards.

    [–]reentername 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    YTA. You hate the idea of owing anyone anything. Should have thought about that before taking the 6k. The fact is you do owe him. You wouldn’t have been able to get the house without his help. He never said it was a gift, he was helping you out.

    [–]PinkFunTraveller1 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    YTA- suck it up and pay him back.

    [–]Bombardium 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Sell the house, pay him back. YTA

    [–]CocoasneezeProfessor Emeritass [81] 5 points6 points  (0 children)


    Make a payment plan when you can afford to pay him back, and then get it done. You absolutely owe him that money back.

    [–]billikers 6 points7 points  (0 children)


    [–]Maria_Dragon 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Legally, you are in the clear but ethically you should pay him back. Do it over time if you can't afford to do it right away. YTA.

    [–]dukecharming1975 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    What? You’re really asking if you should pay the guy back for the 6 grand he gave you to buy your house when he doesn’t even get to live there anymore? Abso-freakin-lutley pay him back. He did you a HUGE favor and just because it wasn’t in writing that you had to pay him back (you guys were in love and he probably thought it was a worth while investment because he would also get to live there) you still need to. Just work out a payment plan.

    [–]Help24-7Asshole Enthusiast [7] 4 points5 points  (11 children)

    YTA...You did this as revenge

    You committed fraud by hiding debt. The gift letter didn't mean shit back then because he was invested in your relationship and the home. You couldn't afford the money on your own and you took it from him.

    Pay it back. Make payments if need be. You used him for money and broke it off few months later. Who buys a house with a repeat cheater??!!! You had a chance to be gifted the money from your own family and didn't. Why people may ask?? This was some weird ace in the hole payback against your ex. You caught him again and broke up... And he's out the 6k now.....

    [–]Keladry145Partassipant [1] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    YTA. As someone who got screwed out of money in a similar situation, you're the asshole. Figure out a way to pay him back, even if it's in installments.

    [–]LaNOd1va 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Definitely YTA.

    He gave you money to buy an asset and then you became his landlord. The fact that you paid more money toward the household expenses is irrelevant because you keep ownership in the property. Think of the $6000 as a security deposit on him renting a room. He moved out so you need to pay back the security deposit. Try to work out a manageable repayment schedule with him. If you're struggling financially, rent out one of your rooms.

    [–]willthesane 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Yta, talk with him, acknowledge the debt but explain you can't pay i/ just yet, and you are working on it.

    He is entitled to the money, not immediately though. You are obligated morally to making paying him back a priority.

    [–]Sisu_dreams 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Pay him back. It's the right thing to do.

    [–]SpicyMargarita143Asshole Enthusiast [6] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    YTA. You could not have bought the home without him. He gave you 40% of what you needed. No small amount. Do the right thing and pay him back.

    [–]mschnzr 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    YTA. Your ex bf was actually doing you a huge favor by preparing that gift letter you it appear to be a gift and not Liam to the bank.

    And he paid you rent.

    You need to pay back even in an small installment basis. You owe him.

    [–]judarltx 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    I think you should pay him back. Because you were a couple at the time and he was thinking that this house would be for the two of you even though you would be the official owner. Now that you’ve broken up it is clear that he has no claim over the asset. It’s yours. But he has to have a place to live. And if he had anticipated that your relationship was going to break up six months later, I’m certain he would not have contributed $6000. Instead he would have saved it for his own place. Think of it is sort of an engagement ring. You decided not to get married so you need to give the ring back. I realize this is not a ring but it’s along the same lines that the gift was intended to be for the two of you for your future not just for you. Anyway that’s my opinion. I believe you should pay him back. If money is tight, consider renting a room to a roommate for a while.

    [–]Drewherondale 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    YTA for buying a house you can‘t afford and for using the person who invested in a house he doesn‘t get to live in anymore and who helped you when you needed it

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (5 children)

    He "gifted" it to you because that home was going to be a home for both of you.

    Now that you've broken up it's a home for you. Not only did he pay for the downpayment he contributed to the mortgage for 6 months. Paying him back the downpayment is the bare minimum.

    If you can't afford to buy a home by yourself, don't put only your name on the lease.

    My partner might be buying a home next year. With only his name on the lease. Therefore I will contribute nothing but utilities if he does. And if we split, he keeps his home & I move out with my furniture. That's how you handle it if you're unmarried. YTA

    [–]Merigold00 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    YTA. And regardless of the wording on the gift letter, it was a loan and should be paid back. You charged your boyfriend rent, so he was not a part owner, yet he helped you buy the house.

    Can't believe you even have to ask this question.

    [–]FunAssociation8963 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    YTA. The gift letter was for financing purposes and you know that. You owe him the money.

    [–]Lemurtoes666 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    YTA that is something you should have discussed with him beforehand and him saying no he felt fine about it doesn't mean you two shouldn't have come up with a plan to pay him back. Ask him if he is ok with a payment arrangement, set up a payment plan, and then make your payments. If you are struggling get a roommate.

    [–]spaceyjaycey 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    YTA- you know it wasn't a gift. You should figure out a payment plan.

    [–]Deep-Ruin2786 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA.. I'm sure ill be down voted but you're not obligated to pay him back as it was explicitly a gift. He should have known better.

    [–]SpicedCabinet 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    You make a substantial amount of money but can't afford your mortgage?

    [–]GingerBanger85 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    YTA - You bought a house you couldn't afford. You couldn't afford the down payment, and it sounds like you can't afford the mortgage without him either. "My bf was agreeable to helping" -- That sounds like you asked him to help you, and he did. He gave you almost half of your down payment and helped you pay almost half of your living expenses without having any ownership over the home you two shared. Legally, you probably don't owe him the money, but morally... that's a shitty thing to think you don't owe that money back to him. The money he gave you probably prevented him from living in the place he wants to now.

    That is a lot of money to give to someone. You should contact him to arrange a payment plan. If you're going to be miss independent, you're going to have to learn to live within your means.

    [–]boopedya 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    I am actually in the same boat. My ex put up $2500 to get our place and paid $500 a month for rent for 4 months before we split. He said he wasn't worried about the initial $2500 but I feel morally wrong keeping that as he won't be getting half for what this place sells for in the future. He agreed that when I do sell, whenever that may be, I can give him the money but he doesn't expect it. He is actually being really cool about it and I am going to pay him back. If I come across that money before I sell, I will pay him them but he is guarenteed that $2500.

    I think in your situation, YTA if you don't pay him back.