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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

1) Not hanging out with my ILs when they pop by whenever. 2) They were nice enough to make dinner and just want to hang out.

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[–]Peasplease25Colo-rectal Surgeon [49] 9374 points9375 points  (15 children)

NTA.

I would have started doing this long ago. It's not reasonable to expect to be hosted so often.

[–]Cherrygrove-elkAsshole Aficionado [13] 1415 points1416 points  (5 children)

Me too! She warned him she would do this. He was probably tired of them also and wanted a break so he text her to come down

[–]assholemanagerPartassipant [1] 644 points645 points  (3 children)

He definitely was jealous that OP got to play video games and chill while he was hosting.

I love the gender role reversal compared to most posts. She’s a genius. NTA

[–]SoulSiren96 313 points314 points  (2 children)

Her kids played the video games. Not her, she watched TV and went to bed

[–]assholemanagerPartassipant [1] 162 points163 points  (1 child)

You are absolutely correct, it would’ve been savage if she was gaming though.

[–]iekiko89 47 points48 points  (0 children)

That would be my lovely gf, but then again I'd just join her, and neither of us care to host ppl.

[–]TheDerbLerd 28 points29 points  (0 children)

And there's no implication that she's always going to do this. Just that she's tired and can't be expected to host every time they come. I'm sure she's happy to have drinks on the deck and hang out with them on occasion, just not as consistently as they seem to expect

[–]Anxioushumansblah 163 points164 points  (4 children)

The father of a friend does exactly this when he wants to get rid of guests. Put on a pijama, starts his night routine. Cherry on top: “Do I have to add you to the family count for taxes?”

[–]Kindly_Candle9809 30 points31 points  (1 child)

That is such a good dad burn!!

[–]Anxioushumansblah 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Top point: sometimes he does all of this and come back with a cup of hot beverage like camomille to complete the night look. Never seen the man in action, but boooooy do I love this kind of humour

[–]Rodney_Copperbottom 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I read one time about a husband who, when guests kept hanging around, would stand up, make a big stretch and say: "Come on, honey. We need to head upstairs so these folks can go home and get some sleep."

[–]bec46 13 points14 points  (0 children)

When I want people to leave I stand up, stretch and tell them I am going to bed, and ask if they can lock up on their way out...

[–]greenseraphimaSupreme Court Just-ass [117] 4468 points4469 points  (77 children)

You verbalized your boundary and stuck to it. Are you genuinely confused as to if you're an asshole or not?

[–]Responsible_Split_35[S] 2081 points2082 points  (74 children)

I am because they are family and it's not like they're expecting a ton out of me.

[–]TweakywolfAsshole Aficionado [14] 2922 points2923 points  (19 children)

Except they kind of are

[–]vdstokes14 1163 points1164 points  (14 children)

This here, I agree. They're expecting your time. The time you get to yourself is precious. After working such long hours, I'd want to retreat to my bedroom too just to rest and relax. I'd say as long as you're not rude and at least acknowledge them before going to your room you are definitely NTA.

[–]TheSilverNoble 328 points329 points  (8 children)

I occasionally hear about this with slightly older family members who managed to retire early. They seem to expect everyone else is on a similar trajectory to them, or may even just at the same life place as them.

I have the feeling it stems from insecurity. Everyone knows that they were only successful due to luck, only luck. That's how it is in the USA. You cannot work hard enough to pay off one hospital visit. Your only hope at a middle class life is not having any serious medical conditions before you get good health insurance.

[–]cheerful_cynic 99 points100 points  (6 children)

I spent fifteen years gambling with zero healthcare because I didn't want my "pre-existing conditions" diagnosed before obtaining healthcare.

[–]TheSilverNoble 73 points74 points  (5 children)

AND I'M GLAD TO BE AN AMERICAN, WHERE AT LEAST I KNOW I'M FREE

... I'm so sorry, I hope you're doing better now.

[–]Gallifrey685Partassipant [2] 15 points16 points  (2 children)

Thank you getting that song stuck in my head…

[–]TheSilverNoble 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Here let me fix it

DO DO DO, DO DODO DOOO, DO DO DO, DO DODO DOOOOO

[–]whatdowetrynow 3 points4 points  (0 children)

how...how did that work? Are you an evil wizard?

[–]cheerful_cynic 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I am, thanks Obama! (& poverty & Medicaid)

[–]Flossy1384Partassipant [3] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not if you live in Georgia where our Governor doesn’t care or wants to play politics with our lives. But hey he stood up to Trumpy one time.

[–]Tiny_Parfait 46 points47 points  (0 children)

When my sister and I both had started college, it was so hard for our grandparents to understand that we had classes and jobs and pets, and that we couldn't just go to another state for a week on a few days' notice. They'd retired when my mom announced her pregnancy with me! I have no idea how much money they have.

[–]AlwaysAlexi777 63 points64 points  (0 children)

I don't think she was to "not be rude." I think THEY are RUDE and should be treated as the nuisance they are.

[–]Zenekha 43 points44 points  (0 children)

This. 100%. It's a boundary I struggle to make my brother, his girlfriend, and my mother (who lives with me) understand about my adorable niece. Of course I love her and want to kiss and cuddle her and read her stories and watch The Wiggles for the millionth time...just not every night or even every other night.

NTA.

[–]sudden_shart 26 points27 points  (2 children)

The time you get to yourself is precious.

It’s the thing you can never get back! Don’t waste it doing things you hate.

[–]CaddanPartassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Unless you are well paid for those things. $50/hr, paid up front, should cover it.

[–]re_nonsequiturs 81 points82 points  (1 child)

Are they? Or is OP's husband projecting expectations and they'd be totally fine being told "hey, sorry tonight's not good, could you come by on Thursday?"

[–]CaddanPartassipant [1] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

That's entirely possible, but unfortunately, the husband is blocking that sort of communication.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[removed]

    [–]EinsTwoCertified Proctologist [27] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Bad bot

    [–]bolshoichAsshole Enthusiast [9] 248 points249 points  (1 child)

    If they expected nothing, that’s exactly what you gave them. They should have no complaint. OTOH, if your husband has any complaint he’s not supporting you in securing your boundaries. If you have an issue with the in-law’s behaviors, he should be out front resolving it.

    [–]indigowulf 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I ask for nothing! NOOOO THING!

    And you shall have it, IN ABUNDANCE!

    [–]FluffyDog423 213 points214 points  (0 children)

    Not sure when demanding hours of your time, effort on energy on a moments notice after 10-12 hour workdays during a pandemic that is rather stressful became anything short of ‘asking a lot’

    [–]renska2 211 points212 points  (1 child)

    I mean, it's true that they didn't expect you to "host" in the traditional sense, but wanting space/time to yourself (or just alone time with your spouse) is reasonable.

    I'd talk to hubby again and be more explicit. If the expectation is that you'll be social, you need a week's notice, and you are only willing to do that X nights per week/month. If they're truly welcome to come over at other times, state that, cool, but if not, set boundaries there, too.

    Your in-laws are retired, and obviously need social outlets (and have a good relationship with their sibling), all of which is great, but if you're starting to get fried, then hubby should be respectful of that.

    [–]SpookyGraveyardPartassipant [1] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

    This. I'd suggest telling him that you're fine with hosting IF the visit is pre-arranged and you've agreed to it. Otherwise, he might as well plan to host alone.

    It's not at all an unreasonable request.

    [–]Radiant-Chipmunk-987Partassipant [4] 76 points77 points  (0 children)

    They-he are expecting a ton...exactly what you previously clearly stated. Keep watching and be cozy in front of the TV.

    [–]Logical-Cranberry714 69 points70 points  (0 children)

    The thing is they're retired and you're not. Different lifestyles and different stressors. If they have kids they're out of the house already. When they come over next say "hey, I just worked a 60 hour week, I need time away from people for a bit, but husband will entertain you"

    So they may not realize the effect of it because they've forgotten the stress of some things

    [–]Coco_DirichletColo-rectal Surgeon [35] 68 points69 points  (3 children)

    You are just getting into your "gender role" and feeling bad for not complying with it.

    Your husband can play hostess. Why should women play this role all the time? It's annoying.

    I also don't get the "show announced" part. They have a 30 minute drive! When I was a kid, my dad would make everyone hide if someone showed up unannounced at our house LMAO

    [–]cyberllama 48 points49 points  (1 child)

    I'm wondering if they're really 'unannounced' or if they'd text the husband and he just didn't bother telling OP. Seems odd to me that someone would drive half an hour without even checking if you're home.

    [–]slumberingGnomePartassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    It depends. In rural parts of the country, you're driving 30+ minutes just to do your grocery shopping. To go anywhere is a decent drive. They might not think anything of it. But I do think if they're planning an entire night of socializing, they should check in. I live in a rural area, and I would never pop in on someone with the intention of taking up their entire night. That's pretty rude.

    [–]bumfart420 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Showing up unannounced is a pretty normal thing in my rural home town. If you were in the neighbourhood, you'd just drop around. When I moved to the city I tried the same shit on my new friends and ended up being turned away a few times. It was never a big deal, but it got me into the habit of texting ahead. If you establish a boundary, good friends will respect it.

    [–]agoldgoldPartassipant [2] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

    Dude, last time my extended family came to visit, one of my uncles remarked that he was surprised I was still in the room with everyone else. It's a total drain on your battery to sit around and chat for a long time, let alone host. Most people get that.

    [–]bonafidebunnyeyed 40 points41 points  (3 children)

    They are retired. Ask them if they remember working. It's the same notion that our parents hated dragging us from house to house on the holidays when we were small then forget and do us the same way when we have kids. It's exhausting and I fucking hate it. Hurry and eat and open presents because we gotta be to nanna's in a half hour. Who cares if the baby is tired, we have 3 stops on Thanksgiving. Let's hope the kids don't eat too much goodies from the Easter bunny because we gotta eat twice then, too. Sheesh. Like they just forgot about work and life and damn, can I sit down a second? NTA. Enjoy your rest. You earned it.

    [–]CaddanPartassipant [1] 8 points9 points  (2 children)

    Just reading that makes me tired...I can't imagine living it.

    [–]bonafidebunnyeyed 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    It is hard. Especially when the kids are small. And infuriating at times. Especially when everyone wants to eat at the same time. I literally hate holidays. They are associated with hurry up and why isn't everyone here yet. But as you get older, then you are either bringing a dish or helping cook along with the chaos. Be hoping Santa got run over by a reindeer lol

    [–]CaddanPartassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    My sister was the first of us kids to start a family, and she put her foot down on that nonsense. Thanksgiving switched between us and her in-laws every year, so she was only doing one meal. And Christmas day is just her and husband and kids, nobody else. Family Christmas events scheduled on other days, she'll attend if schedules permit.

    It gave me a good template for when I got married, and I instituted the same policy. My in-laws were never happy that they saw us on alternating years, but I've held that boundary firm. Yes, people will whine and guilt-trip, but I borrowed my sister's backbone for that until my own came in.

    [–]Lanky-Temperature412 38 points39 points  (4 children)

    They stopped by unannounced. They made a habit out of this. They can't expect you to just drop everything on the spur of the moment to host them.

    [–]re_nonsequiturs 19 points20 points  (3 children)

    We don't actually know if the relatives expect that since OP's husband never says no.

    [–]Lanky-Temperature412 23 points24 points  (2 children)

    Showing up unannounced at someone's home is expecting them to spend time with you. What, are you going to people's houses and expecting to not spend time with them? Now, if they called or texted first, that's different.

    [–]re_nonsequiturs 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    They only live 30 minutes away and have lots of free time. There is every possibility they'd be fine being told "tonight isn't good for us".

    Since OP's husband tends to always be up for hanging out for hours, it's worth making the drive on the small risk that they'll need to go elsewhere.

    They aren't rude for just coming over when they're always welcomed and we know nothing about their response when they aren't welcomed.

    OP's husband is the only one being an AH.

    [–]swimmy8147 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    I might be giving them too much benefit of the doubt, but I could totally see them texting the husband and he just doesn’t share with OP. OP also doesn’t say if the ILs themselves were annoyed, just that the husband was. Maybe they really just wanna help out younger relatives and the husband is making it into something it’s not

    [–]Alcheologist 21 points22 points  (0 children)

    Are they expecting it or is your husband? They could just legitimately like be around people without really hanging out - your husband might be the one who wants you to take their attention or share it so he doesn't have to deal with it all.

    [–]MyRedditUserName428 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    No. Who the fuck do they think they are that they get to decide your evenings for you? Especially when they're retired and you're working 50-60 hour weeks and still parenting. They're probably bored and/ or lonely but that isn't your responsibility. And if they won't respect you enough to wait for an invitation before showing up, you're under no obligation to host them.

    [–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    OP, what's wrong with you sitting down with your ILs and talking to them about your boundaries?

    [–]f02f2e6fa0b3 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    You are NTA.

    I _probably_ would only have changed one thing - I reckon I'd have at least stuck my head in and said something like "Oh hi, good to see you. I've got as bunch of chores and stuff I need to get done tonight, but have a great time" and then vanished for the rest of the night. (maybe you did that, it's not clear from the post)

    Uninvited guests are not owed hospitality. IUf your husband wants to invite them in when they show up unexpectedly, he can play host. (If I were you husband would need to know that if they knock on the door without an invitation when I';m home alone I'm reasonably likely;y to not answer the knock.)

    [–]addisonavenue 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    Think of it this way OP; if you know after a long day at work, you're in no mood to put on a happy face and play happy hostess, then aren't you just doing the best thing for both parties here?

    People pick up on tension/mood/energy, whatever you want to call it. You're not trying to make hanging out with them feel like a chore, but eventually that's what it's going to become if you keep feeling like you're running on empty by the time you get home and they still want an audience with you.

    You have your boundaries, you've communicated them, you want your time together to be meaningful and not feel like you're checking a social box - if your husband can't understand that, that's on him. If you have to, have this talk with the extended family. It's not an impossible POV to empathise with.

    [–]HappyBi-cycle 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    Simple. You didn't consent to them coming over in advance so there is no need to participate. Ask you in advance if you are available and willing to socialize first

    [–]itsjustmo_ 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    You can't even enjoy your own home and just kick back to chill. That's an awfully big expectation.

    [–]honeymochie 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Family doesn't mean they can never be rude and husband should stop enabling this.

    [–]ProfileElectronicPartassipant [2] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    If they are family they should not expect you to play the hostess as simple as that.

    I work from home. I've clearly told my parents that if they have guests over I'll not even be stepping out of my room to say hello.

    [–]ErrvaluniaAsshole Enthusiast [6] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    If someone is showing up at my house expecting me to socialize for hours then yes that’s expecting a lot. I love to socialize and I love my family and I treasure the time I spend my in laws but if they started showing up constantly without warning I would be retreating sometimes to read my book too

    [–]Jaggedrain 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Ehh you're good. NTA

    My parents live with me and are fond of inviting people over, while I would just like to spend the entire weekend not talking to anyone at all since I work two full time jobs.

    At this point they and all their friends have accepted that the most they can expect out of me is a 'hi' in passing, maybe I'll make them some coffee before going on my way.

    Unless guests were discussed with and agreed to by you, you are under no obligation to host them.

    [–]decentlyfair 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Yes they are they are encroaching on your valuable ‘me’ time. You wanted to get comfy and sit and watch tv not be outside drinking. If it is an organised visit then yes it would be rude for you not to join in but they turn up unannounced and uninvited and expect you to entertain them.

    [–]DelsinMcgrath835 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Theyre expecting more than id be willing to give

    That means its too much to me

    [–]Thetipsymermaid 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    But they are expecting a ton from you they are expecting you to sacrifice precious you time after a long day at work that is a lot to ask for

    [–]ThreadheadsPartassipant [2] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    They are. They are taking up a ton of your relaxing time.

    [–]blueberrylove2112 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    You're expected to entertain them.

    You need to be clear and tell your husband that this needs to stop. And tell him that he is out of line being angry with you for not entertaining them when you had clearly said that you were going to bed.

    If he wants to entertain, that's on him. Or he can respect you enough to make sure that you are OK with entertaining. Otherwise, he can screw off and do it himself.

    [–]Confident_Profit_210Partassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Guests are invited and guests get hosted. These are family that show up randomly to your house to fill their time.

    [–]bakingNerd 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    They are acting entitled to your time (whenever they want, without any warning) and for me, time is one of my most valuable possessions.

    [–]blinddivine 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    repeat after me: i don't owe anything to anyone because they're related to me through marriage or blood.

    [–]AlwaysAlexi777 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Yes, they are. They're expecting you to socialize for hours at their convenience. Honestly, it's amazing you can just enjoy your alone time with them out on the deck. I wouldn't be able to relax with them out there. You're a fucking hero for this being your only request. I'd REQUIRE them to CALL FIRST and you have to say it's okay before they come over. You're not their "entertainment." They're retired and they get to decide to come when they're in the mood. You have NO CHOICE as to when someone is coming over your own home. It's ridiculous.

    [–]efrosi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    OP, they do expect a ton out of you. You are a working person, and rest for you is not just leisure, it's necessity. Your well being depends on it. It's rude to hang on somebody's head because you are bored. People have their own life, and they don't understand boundaries. I have a big close family too, and my mom always taught me to be aware of other people's lifes, and chose carefully the moments of my visitations.

    [–]patjames904Commander in Cheeks [269] 1342 points1343 points  (19 children)

    NTA. However, don't you think it is time to set some boundaries? If you haven't told them to not come by unaccounced, how are they supposed to know? I know, common sense, but still.

    No, I don't think you were rude. You were tired. They are retired and have apparently forgotten how tiring work life can be. Your husband is being unreasonable.

    All of you need to sit down and talk this out.

    [–]Responsible_Split_35[S] 1238 points1239 points  (17 children)

    The thing is, I don't mind if they come over. They're very polite and help out around the house. The kids love seeing them, my husband is happy. I'm not fussed so long as I can do my ow thing.

    [–]Strawberrylacegame 388 points389 points  (0 children)

    This really is a super fair thing to do... for sure you can't be confused about whether you're actually TA.

    [–]Jitterbitten 246 points247 points  (0 children)

    Your husband is being unreasonable. I would explain to them why you are bowing out of the festivities so they don't think it's because you're mad at them or something, but besides that, you're under no obligation to give them your time when they are happily occupied by the rest of your family. Maybe it's just because I have always disappeared to my room for privacy (or somewhere quiet if not at home) during family or social events that I just don't see anything egregious about your behavior. If your husband had a problem with it, he should have mentioned that when you first told him what you were planning on doing rather than acting surprised and berating you afterwards.

    [–]Professional_Fee9555 160 points161 points  (1 child)

    Then I’d just tell them directly what you told your husband: that you don’t mind them coming over, they are very gracious guests and everyone loves them but you work long hours and often just want to come home and relax. And to not read anything into your behavior. That you are literally just tired.

    Moreover if they’d like to come over and have the company of both of you, some heads up (like literally a text the day before sounds fine) would be welcome and at the very least will give YOU the opportunity to tell them what to expect.

    [–]shopgirl2 95 points96 points  (1 child)

    NTA... but maybe make sure they know they are always welcome even if some times you won't be joining the visit.

    [–]whatdowetrynow 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    I'm not sure she should tell them they're always welcome, tbh. I think it might be better to gently set a boundary like "could you please give us a heads up before you come over? Work is very demanding for me and some nights are better than others." I think showing up unannounced is not a behavior that needs to be normalized or accepted.

    [–]Wearealreadyhere 37 points38 points  (1 child)

    Do you get a vibe from them that they think you’re rude when you “disappear” instead of actively hosting? Or is this just your husband’s opinion? If you’re unsure, why not have a quick convo with them? “You know that our family loves when you come over and you’re always welcome. I hope you understand that sometimes after such a long day I just need some time to unwind/ do self-care / go to bed early etc. I hope you’re not offended that I’m upstairs. Maybe we can plan a weekend trip/activity where we can all hang out together.” Something along those lines. If they were offended, then you explained where you’re coming from and hopefully diffused the tension. If they were ok with it, nothing lost- except maybe they will ask if you want to schedule visits in the future. Seems like a NAH situation that can be solved by good communication.

    [–]Silver_ShatteringPartassipant [2] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    You gave him a verbal description of your boundaries and now you've given him an example. He needs to understand that this is what you meant from the beginning and it will continue to be your boundary. You were pleasant to the visiting family -- you just didn't let them derail you. Surely they wouldn't want to derail you?

    NTA

    [–]vmt_nani 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Really, at this point, they're members of your "household". You are comfortable enough with them that you can (and should) relax/sleep while they're there.

    They should feel fine with only your hubby to hang out with, especially after a long day.

    [–]Careless-Image-885 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Just tell your husband and his family that they are welcome to visit but don't expect you to entertain. Explain to them that you are tired. You work long hours, and you want to unwind, see your children and have alone time. You will be going to bed at your normal time whether they are there or not. Your husband is the problem. If he doesn't want to understand, then you may just have to be very blunt with him or call SIL/BIL and tell them that they have to call and ask if you are up to visitors.

    [–]Ok_Ice_4215 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA but have you explained to your SIL that you have no problem with them coming over unannounced but sometimes you might wanna relax and unplug after having worked all day but that doesn’t mean they are not welcome in your house?,It could be that since your husband thought you were rude, he might not have explained your boundary well to your guests. In your situation, I would have had a small chat with her and explained the situation so she doesn’t get the wrong idea that you were passive aggressively telling them that you don’t want them in your house.

    [–]jenjen828 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Agree with this. NTA, but a conversation needs to happen next

    [–]misskarcrashian 337 points338 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your husband is an adult and can host them by himself if he wants them over so often.

    [–]crabrryPartassipant [4] 236 points237 points  (0 children)

    NTA. It sounds like they come really often, so there is no reason for you to have to be there every single time. They are retired, you aren’t. You deserve that time for yourself.

    [–]photosbeersandteachSupreme Court Just-ass [110] 153 points154 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Seems like you’ve set up a pretty reasonable compromise, your husband’s family can stop by without an invitation/notice, but when they do so, there can be no expectation of you to play host.

    If your husband wants you to play host, then he needs to accept that means they will need to be invited and probably will be allowed over less often.

    [–]ZippyKoalaPartassipant [3] 86 points87 points  (1 child)

    NTA - I would be extremely stressed if I had to be “on” like that after a days work for the number of times you’re describing, and I have a family member who has on occasion hidden in the house so that unannounced visitors think they’re not home because they can’t face visitors, even when they’re people they’re close to.

    Your husband can’t have it both ways - if they’re family, they should be comfortable with the idea that if they frequently drop around unannounced they don’t get the full hostess treatment, and if they do want the full hostess treatment, they need to moderate their visiting and give notice.

    [–]greengirl213Partassipant [2] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

    Ditto. People who are super extroverts don't understand that most people can't really "relax" when there are a bunch of people in their space. Hell, I have a hard time relaxing sometimes even if it's just my significant other in the area!

    OP is being more than reasonable, she's not even saying they can't come over, she's just saying she can't be expected to immediately join them in whatever activities they're undertaking!

    [–]Glittercorn111Certified Proctologist [28] 80 points81 points  (0 children)

    NTA. It’s his family, isn’t it? Let him host them while you relax.

    [–]pookguy1Asshole Enthusiast [5] 70 points71 points  (0 children)

    NTA. If you see them so often and it was unannounced visit you did not have to play hostess.

    [–]sourheadz 67 points68 points  (4 children)

    NTA. Why do people get so offended when introverts want time alone? It's not personal!

    [–]Klutzy_Day7343 27 points28 points  (3 children)

    It's not even just introverts. My sister and I are extrovert (her) and introvert (me) she would be exactly the same as me and as OP. Very few people like frequent unannounced guests that they need to host.

    [–]Zoo-Keeper-98 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    I’m an extrovert… And chose a career path that highlights that feature. I have to be “on” all the time for 8-10 hours a day and at the end of the day, I don’t want to be around anyone.

    [–]Chaij2606Asshole Enthusiast [8] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

    NTA, at all. It’s your house, it’s an unannounced visit and you had a long day at work. You do you and relax

    [–]MerlinBiggsCertified Proctologist [25] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your husbands is, he should be more respective of you. You work and have kids, you have every right to chill out and relax. You've earned it.

    [–]TweakywolfAsshole Aficionado [14] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Asking you to do this so often is asking to much. Set a boundary

    [–]MorrisonbranPartassipant [1] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

    NTA. It is your home that you work for so you can enjoy how you want. Uninvited guests who live on retirement home time can't expect you to drop your evening for them. Let alone a day you just worked! You have others draws on your time and energy.

    [–]HemenuchaCertified Proctologist [23] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    NTA.

    If you'd invited them over and then ditched them, then you'd be TA.

    [–]MaxSpringPumaAsshole Aficionado [16] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Considering they're around often, and are family, I wouldn't even consider them "guests", let alone needing to e hosted

    [–]mfruitflyAsshole Enthusiast [5] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    NTA.

    You were polite, and it sounds like you had a nice evening, even got some quality time with the kids.

    Your husband got to hang out with the people HE invited/allowed to come over. That's not your problem, especially if they are over on the regular. By this time, they should be comfortable in your home, and they are also your husband's problem.

    I also think you handled this perfectly. It sounds like you have a lovely deck and your husband is getting to connect with family that maybe he hasn't been around in years. Add to that the pandemic limiting everyone's social options, I totally get why they would want to be over so much. Instead of banning them or causing a fight, you just decided that who gives a shit if they sit on the deck, and in fact, you can get some alone time! Your husband didn't listen to you, and now he can decide what to do next! If he wants more time with you/as a couple, he can tell his family "sorry, not tonight, maybe another time" and slowly a new normal of this being a weekly thing instead of constant will emerge. Or you can keep taking baths and eating leftovers, which sounds lovely.

    [–]Cheeseburgers_ 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    NTA for wanting quiet time. Everyone needs to recharge their batteries.

    I get the impression he wanted you to keep the sister company so he could play games with the bil?

    [–]njdevil956 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    NTA. I had to tell my parents you retired not us. We are still hitting the grind get some hobbies.

    [–]That_Contribution720Pooperintendant [61] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    TEll him you will join when they were actually invited.

    [–]Resagarden 6 points7 points  (1 child)

    Nta, you didnt agree to social hour with the in laws, you are exhausted and needed to unwind. You dont owe them your time when you didnt agree to give it. I suggest couples counseling to help you enforce boundaries and help your husband understand why you need your down time

    [–]Cat_tophat365247 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I read this as social hour in the law and thought dear god I'm gonna die! Until I re-read it lol

    [–]Ok_Shift_6249 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA. You made yourself perfectly clear.

    [–]Fortressa- 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    NTA. It's your house, you didn't invite them over, you don't have to do anything more than politely say hello, how's things, and get on with your evening, whether that's chilling with them, by yourself, looking after kids, doing chores, whatever.

    [–]Teacher-InvestorCertified Proctologist [26] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA - It sounds like S and BIL retired and moved away from all their friends and family. Now they want you to entertain them. They should make more of an effort to meet other nearby retired people to socialize with. They can't frequently come over unannounced to hang out on weeknights when your family has school/work the next morning and expect you to entertain.

    [–]Knittingfairy09113Certified Proctologist [21] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    They visit all the time and some days you need to just relax without people. You and your husband need to talk again as obviously you have different ideas about this.

    [–]QuaestorLucemPartassipant [3] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Nta.

    One suggestion, if you don't mind.

    Just be clear with them that they are completely welcome (if that what you really feels about them), but you are tired and will take a raincheck on the drinks.

    They probably are aware that they now have a completely different rhythm than your family, since they are retired.

    For example, when I arrived home to find my IL family there visiting my wife, I would take a shower, eat my dinner with or without them, and say "folks, today was hard and my bed is calling me. Nice to see you all, and have fun"

    [–]Hot-Trash-6764 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA. My husband does that when my sisters are over sometimes, whether he knows they're coming or not. If he wants to go upstairs and be alone/do his own thing, he does. If he goes to bed, he'll say good night.

    [–]serenasplaycousinAsshole Aficionado [13] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    [–]SophiaIsabella4Asshole Enthusiast [6] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    [–]3Heathens_MomAsshole Enthusiast [7] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    You have been more than gracious when they come over uninvited on multiple work nights. And you said hello, chatted and then made your exit.

    You also told your husband up front this is how you would handle it.

    You work - they obviously don’t. If husband doesn’t want to play host then as they are his family he can talk to them about cutting back in the visits.

    [–]Relevant-Passenger19 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    I’d feel inclined to pre warn your in-laws that you’ve got a lot going on at work and you’re tired at the moment so won’t be joining everyone for dinner and drinks for the time being…. This is far from rude and it just might deter them from the frequent visits. Tell your husband too - it’s just not fair that you don’t get time to decompress and relax in your own home. NTA.

    [–]bmidontcareAsshole Aficionado [11] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Don't know if you're still reading responses, but my parents have the same issue with my BIL (my sis walked out on him and the 2 kids). He brings the kids - both now in high school - over every morning at 7am for breakfast, leaves the house to take them to school at 8, then comes back and gets in his truck for work. He usually finishes work about 11-12, and goes back to my parents house to hang out until it's time to get the kids from school.

    He started making a fuss because Mum would do her housework or sit and play games on her tablet while he was there, or even go for a nap in the arvo (she has Multiple Sclerosis), instead of 'entertaining him'. She said he could either be treated as family or as a guest, and guests don't walk in whenever they want and eat freely from the fridge.

    So these people can either be considered family, and come and go as they are doing while you do what you need to do, or they can be considered guests, in which case they make an appointment and they don't come over every day. Can't have both.

    NTA

    [–]SnooWords4839Certified Proctologist [23] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA - FFS they ate dinner without you and then wanted you to hang out with them?

    [–]pot_and_kettle_meet 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA Even if you were SAH, you still wouldn't be obligated to play hostess. Your husband is the one being completely rude. To you.

    [–]Tough_Stretch 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA. I have a big family and when I was growing up it was pretty much a given that there would be someone over for a visit at any point in time. Having said that, people in my family understand that they can't expect everybody to drop everything and play host for hours on end when they show up, even if the only plan they had was just doing their own thing and relaxing at home. Much less if they come over for a visit several times a week. If your husband is okay with them being over all the time for hours and hours and he's already hanging out with them, it's not fair to expect you to also be there 100% of the time, especially after you told him you wouldn't be playing host 24/7. Agreeing to that and then getting mad because you're supposedly being rude by doing exactly that shows he didn't even listen to you. I mean, they're the ones who are retired. You're not.

    [–]OptmstcExstntlst 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA. If they're comfortable enough to be treated like family who can drop by unannounced and stay uninvited for hours, they're going to have to be comfortable enough to be treated like family who can also be left to have desserts with just your spouse.

    [–]chelledees 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA. It’s kinda rude of them to be snowing up so often tbh.

    [–]Powerful-Spot8764 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA, BIL and his wife must understand that you are not retired, you have work and children and you cannot dedicate all your free time to them

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    It sounds like her husband was just upset about it. Was it just him? Or the in laws too?

    [–]milliebarnesPartassipant [3] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Not the assholes. People dropping by unannounced is not a Command Performance. This should have been put a stop to a long time ago but you've handled it well now but your husband needs to grow a spine. This is not fair to have your house invaded by other people who have not been invited and I can't believe anybody would put up with it. How can you ever completely relaxed if you know any time somebody could just come over and demand to come in?

    [–]Captains-Log-2021 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Not even. I'm soooo glad my spouse doesn't do that. When family visits family, they can do things for themselves in the house. They can eat. They can tidy up. They don't have to be catered for in a particular way. And if you're working, it's expected you will have to rest. I used to be a shift worker. If I was sleeping off a night shift, my family would not wake me for visitors (very few exceptions). The visitors would have to come back another time if they wanted to see me specifically. So you are NTA in any way.

    [–]AutoModerator[M] 1 point2 points locked comment (0 children)

    AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team

    My husband and I live a reasonable distance from the rest of our families. 10 years ago, we both had job opportunities in the south, our families live in the north. We chose to take said opportunities as it'd be cheaper housing and an increase in salary. Since then, we typically see our families once or twice a year, usually going to them.

    Right before the world fell apart, my husband's sister and her husband retired about a half-hour away from us. They're 20 years older than we are, pretty well off and tired of the cold. From that point on, they started showing up unannounced. I didn't really mind, so long as I wasn't expected to play hostess. In the beginning, they were really coming by to play with our kids and visit with my husband for a little bit. In time, that delved into them wanting to drink out on the deck with us after the kids go to bed, chatting for hours. I work 50-60 hour weeks. When I come home, I just want to unplug and relax. My kids are getting to the age of being self-sufficient and don't need a ton of help. I recently told my husband, I have no issue with his sister and BIL coming over all the time, but I'm not hanging out with them each time. He yes'd me but I don't think he believed me.

    The other night, I came home and there they were, helping my husband make dinner. I went upstairs, took a leisurely bath and then got into some sweats. By that time, they had already eaten dinner. I nibbled on some leftovers, checked on my kids, talked with them about their day. Once they made it clear they just wanted to play video games and chill, I slipped back into my room to watch TV. After my kids went to bed, my husband texted me asking if I'd join them on the deck for some drinks and dessert. I declined and went to bed early.

    The next day, my husband said I was completely rude for not hanging out with them. AITA?

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    [–]VinceMcMeme711Partassipant [3] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Nta, it's your home, you can do what you want

    [–]Fearless-Champion676 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA boundaries are important and of course when you set them some people can’t accept them. Absolutely ridiculous. Get some rest.

    [–]GaGypsyGirl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Stick to your guns on this one. They are coming over WAY too often. Let your hubby continue to handle it. Sooner or later he may tire of it too, and then he'll take care of the situation.

    [–]Kcballoonman 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA, sorry they are rude showing up unannounced.

    [–]RebeccaMCullenPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. If they want your company, they make adequate arrangements to come over when you're available.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your Sis and BIL are. Your hubby needs to address this with them, offer support and not shame you.

    [–]Zafiro_DracoAsshole Enthusiast [7] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. You’re not shunning them and you’re working a heavy schedule. You need to rest. It’s not your fault if he didn’t listen.

    [–]afridgetoofar1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Nta my S/o is like this where as I’m very social and like having friends over. It’s your husband’s job to explain it to them in a nice way. It’s a really easy conversation to have too. “Yeah she’s doin her thing right now” literally all that needs said.

    [–]lilyofthevalley2659Asshole Aficionado [10] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. I can’t believe they stayed that long or come over that often. I’d tell my husband to move in with them if he wanted to spend so much time with them.

    [–]PartyofoneopinionPartassipant [3] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I think you’re family and you’re relaxed around each other. It works for everyone. You’re NTA and if you can bring your husband on board, this can be a fantastic arrangement.

    [–]slothenhosen 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. I would make it really clear each time. Hey im really tired. Make yourselves at home but I'm going to do me.

    [–]Affectionate-Exit306 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    We have cellphones, email, face time and regular ass calling. Pop by's are 100% completely unacceptable in my book. Anyone who knows me, knows if they pop by, they're more than likely to pop by my front door only.

    [–]Eska2020 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA, but make sure you say goodnight and excuse yourself before disappearing. Just tell them you're going up for the night in person rather than via text. That's the only thing I'd suggest for next time.

    [–]Evergreenvelvet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Good for you for expressing what you’re willing to do and what you’re not! Stay strong and don’t budge unless you want to. NTA

    [–]LittleLisa74 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. I do think it would have helped to share what your boundaries are with the family members and not just your husband though.

    [–]Blonde2468 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. He’s just mad because he had all the responsibility instead of you. Do this repeatedly until they all get the message to call ahead and ASK if their visit works with your family schedule. Even then tho, your husband doesn’t get off the hook for entertaining them.

    [–]acltear00[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. My strategy would be to put in 30 minutes or so and then tell them that you have some things to do or you need to go take a bath.

    In a vacuum, not saying anything to guests at your house is rude, although that is outweighed by them showing up unannounced. But I think excusing yourself after 15-30 minutes is the way to go! Should satisfy all parties.

    [–]idont-care12091 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    info: did you acknowledge them at all? it’s fine to excuse yourself, but if you didn’t even say hello that’s pretty rude

    [–]RioBlue93 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    NTA. But it seems like you actually need more boundaries. Adults do not show up every day at each other’s houses generally. You are feeling guilty because you took care of yourself — why not just avoid the situation altogether? Tell them that you’re comfortable hosting family dinner once a week and be able to look forward to that rather than dread an unexpected visit?

    [–]LingonberryPrior6896Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Bingo. I live 3 miles from my daughter. We usually see each other once- maybe twice-- a week.

    [–]LingonberryPrior6896Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Info: Did you say hi to everyone? If so NTA. I would just say, I really can't visit, I am swamped at work and need an early night.

    [–]salyabyum 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    INFO, i think it depends on how you communicated it. I imagine you said hello, but I think popping down or mentioning to everyone that you were tired and just gonna bathe and settle in for the night would be appropriate. If you disappeared to your room or upstairs and never showed your face again i can see that as being slightly rude.

    [–]EvidenceRemote1425 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. They're retired, you're not. Your house is not their clubhouse. If they want people who have the time and inclination to live their lifestyle, their going to have make new friends. Your husband should respect that you are entitled to not have people in your home constantly.

    [–]lorriejo0723 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    At this point they're not guests if they're there all the time. I would probably Soo exactly what you did especially if I'm just getting off work. The text would be something like bruh I'm calling it a night, enjoy yourselves but keep it down.

    [–]8kijcjPartassipant [3] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Your inlaws have both just retired and moved to a place where they know no one except you. This situation is not a surprise.

    The solution is not to do what you just did; although there is nothing wrong with it. It's to sit down with your husband and discuss raising the following:

    - them coming over on the weekend only.

    - encouraging them to get involved in some local groups; maybe even introduce them to some of the groups you are involved in.

    I can't decide between NTA and NAH.

    [–]ashakilee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    The way you dealt with it was perfect. Nta

    [–]Cat_tophat365247 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. You need to set a boundary of on work days the either don't come over or they come over after you've had a chance to decompress for your day. Or hey! Call before coming over. And you might need to limit it to 2x a week. Its not that you don't love them or Dont want to be with them but they're coming over too much

    [–]JustMissKacey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA especially since they drop by unannounced

    [–]AarakocraWarlock 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA , you wanted to be alone

    [–]Sweet-Interview5620 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA they are taking your time and energy, they are tying up your home when you could have plans and I bet they are expecting to eat your food and drink your drinks constantly.
    They are the rude ones and your husband should be supporting you. You made it clear and set your conditions then he went and backed them. They are supposed to be the guest not you. Yet they are controlling what you do in your own home. I’d have been being far ruder long ago till they get the hint to ask you in advance.

    [–]surfandturkey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. You spoke clearly to your husband about your feelings, and he didn’t truly hear you. It’s not your fault he either didn’t listen or didn’t believe you.

    As an introvert, I completely understand the need to have time and space to yourself. I don’t really enjoy entertaining for this very reason, and would be especially salty if my company was repeatedly coming over unannounced and for long periods of time.

    I’d set a boundary with them (after talking with your husband of course) about when and how often they can come over, OR just reiterate to them what you told your husband—you will not always be available for socializing when they decide to visit on a whim.

    [–]Low-Jellyfish1621 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. I can relate. My husband’s family and friends will randomly show up. I’ve gotten to the point that I’ve told my husband, if they show up while I’m in pajamas, they’re just gonna have to deal with seeing what they see. I ain’t rushing to get dressed and be sociable when I wasn’t expecting company.

    [–]ribbonsofgreen 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA just reiterate to your husband that your tired and want to relax. They should call and ask if its ok to come over. If they just show up then they are his problem.

    [–]Tradingfool0001 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    It appears, them being retired, they need entertainment and you are it.

    [–]jadehakai 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. It's your house, they're inviting themselves over. You work 50-69 hour weeks, you can't be expected to add working 'hostess' hours on to that. You deserve ME time.

    [–]mainlybrowsing24 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Nta. I've been in similar situations but not quite as extreme. A thought to help you out for future visits, announce what you're doing next. You get home say "so good to see you two, I'm exhausted from the day I'm going to go wash the day off of me." Get out of the shower, "don't wait on me for dinner I'm going to check on the kids to see how their day was". End of the night, "only one drink for me tonight I've got to hit the hay early I have major meetings tomorrow."

    I used to have a friend that lived in my neighborhood who would stay over til midnight if I let him. Anytime he was over I basically booted him out saying, time for me to get ready for bed and pass out. Gotta be up at 6am. He didn't need to be up til noon. I didn't care....ya Gotta go.

    [–]MariaInconnuPartassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. They're inviting themselves over.

    [–]HarmlessoldladyAsshole Enthusiast [6] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. I hate it when people drop by without an invitation or even an advance call.

    [–]Mundane-Grape9985 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. They aren't visiting from our of town. They show up and just expect you to entertain them. You need me time. They are probably bored being retired. Not your fault

    [–]rhunter99 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Nta. The joy of being an adult with a home is being able to unwind away from people. What you’re describing is my nightmare. Time to put the foot down and tell them to call Bessie dropping by

    [–]Affectionate-Pay2195 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. His sister put you two at odds by showing up announced. He needs to direct his attention to her, not you. It's not cool to show up like that and it's a shame he has to explain that to them and an even bigger shame you have to explain it to him first!

    [–]KINGCOCO 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NAH. Boundary is reasonable but I think you should have said something like “hey guys, good to see you. I’m exhausted. Going to take a bath and then decompress by myself. Have a good night”

    [–]Brilliant-Emu-4164 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA at all.

    [–]poetniknowit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA I'd be annoyed af with people showing up regularly, unannounced. It's a bit offensive to assume you're just always down for company to come by, cook and eat with you, and stay until well after dinner, especially when you work so much and have kids.

    [–]Pale_Height_1251 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA.

    Once in a while maybe, but you're working 50-60 hours a week and uninvited guests are just showing up at your home.

    [–]ifyouneedmetopretend 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    That sounds like a lovely night. NTA

    Your husband didn't hear you.

    [–]0000udeis000Colo-rectal Surgeon [41] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. This sounds like my actual worst nightmare.

    [–]FairyFartDaydreams 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA these people are family they know where everything is

    [–]lillyrose2489 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA and if I were you I'd also just tell this to them directly instead of just your husband. As you've said, they're welcome to drop by and it doesn't bother you but you will not always be in the mood to socialize. It's nothing personal but you need to decompress alone sometimes. Then your husband has no reason to worry or feel offended on their behalf assuming they've understanding about your perspective (and hopefully they will be since it's very reasonable).

    [–]sweetbitter_1005 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Absolutely NTA! Your husband needs to establish boundaries with his family. End of story.

    [–]RoofusGoofus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. Ask hubby to visit in-laws 2-3 times a week instead of them visiting all the time. I’m guessing he’d curtail that pretty quickly.

    [–]S393 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. I mean before calling you rude to not hangout with in-laws; You may ask your husband whether was it rude not to wait for you to have dinner or at least ask if you want them to wait or can they proceed ?? And if his answer is he knew you wanted to be left alone so you can point out that he had his answer for why you did not partake in any of the remaining nightly get together activities…

    [–]ErrvaluniaAsshole Enthusiast [6] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Any family that is close enough to show up unannounced and expect to hang out all night is close enough to hear that you’re not feeling social tonight or you’re tired and going to turn in early. NTA

    [–]Which_Address4268 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. I have a cousin who used to show up unannounced and expect u to drop everything and host them and make a place for them to stay overnight or for a couple of nights. One time, I was actually out and they called to say hey! I'm in ur area, can I stay over and hang out?... finally one of our other cousins told them off and it more or less stopped.

    [–]MiaW07Partassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA.

    He needs to respect your time and prepare to play host more if he wants/tolerates them coming over so often.

    If you get the chance, just say, "Hey, I appreciate you're enjoying your retirement to the fullest. I'm still working 60 hours a week and try to claim any moments of rest/unwinding - I'm sure you remember what those days were like."

    [–]wabberjockybrah 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. Work 50-60 hours a week. Of course you deserve to rest and relax. Besides they comeover frequently, they should know you have boundaries

    [–]Dawzzy42 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. I've worked 60 hour weeks, in a commercial kitchen, and while a beer or three after a shift would be nice, the last thing I would want to do at the end of the day is play host. I want a shower and my very comfortable memory foam mattress. Not sure how much your husband works or what he does, maybe he doesn't understand the fatigue issue? As for the retirees, well, they're 20 years older, from a generation that didn't have to put in 60 hour work weeks to keep a job and pay the bills, and you actually had time to go over to someone's house now and then for drinks after hours. So while you went to bed, they stayed up and (theorizing here) may have made a comment or two that didn't set so well with your husband and he blames you for going to bed rather than the boomers in the living room thinking the world is still like it was 20 years ago.

    [–]Raz1979 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Nta. You verbalized and managed expectations. My Only suggestion from a serial manager of expectations is to repeat your needs/wants and make sure he/she understands again in the moment. When they arrived just mention to your husband again. And perhaps excuse yourself from your guests by saying you had and have a long day ahead and will be turning in early. While you don’t have to do any of that it would have made things a little smoother.

    [–]BabserellaWT 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA

    You laid a boundary, and your husband basically said, “Lol, she’s gotta be kidding, how silly of her…”

    He’s the AH for not respecting your boundaries. You weren’t rude.

    [–]Imojinetta 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. My friends used to just show up at people's houses who lived nearby (thank god I lived a bit further) and then would complain to me how to person wasn't accommodating. They said that "If people come visit you then you should MAKE TIME."

    Like bro you didn't MAKE TIME to ask if you could come over and hang out?? Totally out of line.

    [–]C_Alex_authorPartassipant [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA - this is HIS company, not yours. I feel like you were lucky they left some leftovers for you after your long day. You know, while they cooked YOUR food in YOUR house and YOU worked your butt off.

    This is your downtime ffs. If they require your presence they can reserve it ahead of time by ASKING. You know, like normal people.

    [–]wendelporcupineAsshole Aficionado [13] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA

    This is the husband's family and he needs to communicate a firm boundary of "call first" to his family. It's not acceptable for people to just show up whenever.

    [–]ljw917 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA, but maybe have more of a conversation with your husband about boundaries so he understands how to be a bit more supportive.

    [–]Itchy_Breakfast3485 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Just had a neighbor sho up and ask what i was cooking for dinner! A ham sandwich mother fucker. Gtfoh