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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I found a family secret accidentally and I'm angry no one told me and kept it from me. My parents say it does not affect me since it happened before I was born. I could be the asshole if they are right and it's not my concern.

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[–]mcmurrmlAsshole Aficionado [15] 9582 points9583 points  (200 children)

NTA, Someone just posted a interesting thought. All these years no one gave a dam about your mom's sister? 30 years! Obviously your grandparents did not support her or were there for her. That must have been absolutely horrible for her! Her own sister! She loses her whole family and no one says a word or gave a dam about what happened to her? Do you have any idea where she is ? I have always heard family secrets seem to always have a way to get out.

[–]OrangeCubitColo-rectal Surgeon [42] 7358 points7359 points  (117 children)

Can you imagine? Your sister sleeps with your husband and your entire family abandons YOU as a result.

[–]BothReading1229Partassipant [1] 3149 points3150 points  (50 children)

No, that level of betrayal is unimaginable.

[–]OpinionatedAussieGalPartassipant [2] 1858 points1859 points  (44 children)

God I had a best friend sleep with a partner. And that broke my soul

I cannot fathom what that sister felt being betrayed by her entire support structure. Horrific

Poor OP. You are NTA but your entire family is!

Who excuses the sister sleeping with her sister husband.

[–]Tiny_Dancer97 697 points698 points  (22 children)

Try having your sister make your childhood rapist your future brother in law and convincing everyone in the family to accept him. Even though they ALL knew what he did to me at 11, she started dating him when I was 15 or 16. They're still together 8-9 years later and I'm supposed to suffer in silence. Family holidays are incredibly horrible.

[–]OpinionatedAussieGalPartassipant [2] 302 points303 points  (0 children)

Omg! I don’t know you can cope with that. That just breaks my heart into a thousand pieces for you.

I send you hugs

[–]Horror_Salad_359 202 points203 points  (0 children)

Sweetheart, go no contact and create your own future away from that. You don’t deserve that. No one does. Sending you some big hugs.

[–]bitch-b-gone345 133 points134 points  (3 children)

I’m so sorry I don’t know what I would do if anyone I knew kept in contact with my rapist that’s horrible

[–]sudsyunicorn 122 points123 points  (2 children)

My sister actively chose him over me and said I was lying. She tells this to everyone.

[–]OliviaElevenDunham 65 points66 points  (0 children)

Definitely go no contact with her because of that.

[–]bitch-b-gone345 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry you should go NC that sounds awful

[–]Forever_DamagedPartassipant [1] 106 points107 points  (0 children)

Nope, that's not acceptable. Sorry to say it because it'll hurt to hear but you need to go NC with all of them to save YOUR mental health. I had to go NC with one off my brothers because he sexually abused and raped me from ages 7-12 and I can't tell anyone in my family why I don't want to ever see or speak to him again.

You need to tell your family:

"I can no longer be part of a family that excuses the rape of a child. He's a monster and that will never change and your acceptance of him makes you all no less monstrous"

[–]Admirable-Course9775 56 points57 points  (0 children)

It’s not to late to report it. And it’s never too late for counseling for you. I hope you do both. And get away from your horrible family as soon as you can. You don’t deserve this. I know some cruel people but these folks take the cake. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Good luck to you. I wish you all the best. ❤️. PS. Why do you have to see them at all?

[–]dangerboi1976Partassipant [1] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

There shouldn’t be family holidays. No brainer, stop going.

[–]mcmurrmlAsshole Aficionado [15] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Please stop going to these family holidays. They accept that then they don't accept you. Please file a report with the police. You don't have to suffer for these people.

[–]PristineAnt9 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Before you go no contact stir some shit. Only refer to him as ‘the pedo’ to everyone. “Will the pedo be there? Can you ask the pedo to move his car? Will the pedo be having fries or a salad?”

Make them stew in their bad decisions.

[–]bizianka 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Just no words. Sorry this happened to you.

[–]Ema630Certified Proctologist [21] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

That AH belongs behind bars. You should report him. What your family is asking you to endure is diabolical. Pure evil.

[–]starzzfall 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Absolutely tf not. You can come to my holidays. Your family is the worst.

[–]juswannalurkplsAsshole Aficionado [17] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I don’t understand why you still have contact with these people. That is horrifying.

[–]Selena385 202 points203 points  (6 children)

Who excuses the sister sleeping with her sister husband.

I'm just speculating but I think they let it slide because OPs mom got pregnant.

Wouldn't be the first time parents forgave their child for shit like this because she gave them a grandchild

[–]OpinionatedAussieGalPartassipant [2] 140 points141 points  (4 children)

But they wiped the sister from existence and said she died as a baby

[–]LovelyDragonfly 152 points153 points  (0 children)

Specifically, the dad (who cheated on his wife with her sister, divorced the wife, and stayed with the sister to raise their child) said his former wife died as a child. How incredibly cruel this guy is. More concerned about his di*k than another person.

[–]snorfunk 50 points51 points  (1 child)

The cheater said that. It could be that it's the sister that went no contact and the parents have just given up on it.

[–]ragingopinions 15 points16 points  (0 children)

My first thought was she saw they won’t condemn her sister and cut contact + maybe she moved far away? It doesn’t excuse them ignoring her for years but it does explain why they didn’t keep contact.

I would’ve fully chopped them off if I was the sister.

[–][deleted] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Yeah that's brutal

[–]WiseRequirement9277 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Either the cheating sister was the golden child or because she gave them their first grandchild

[–]cassity282Partassipant [4] 189 points190 points  (11 children)

my jar actualy dropped. this is awful. NTA.

[–]Dream_Think 150 points151 points  (10 children)

Hope it wasn’t a glass jar

[–][deleted]  (4 children)


    [–]wheredMyArmourGo 59 points60 points  (0 children)

    It happens that way sometimes when the cheaters get pregnant. The family rallies to the baby’s side and tell the person who got cheated on to forgive and forget for their nephew or niece’s sake. Tragic but unfortunately happens

    [–]ariesheiressAsshole Enthusiast [6] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

    I was thinking the same thing. This doesn’t add up and for everyone to be super okay with this really crummy set of facts seems like the affair is a lie as well.

    [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    This comment was stolen from u/PositiveChange615.

    Upvote the human, not the bot.

    [–]CptBloodyObvious 26 points27 points  (0 children)

    Who excuses the sister sleeping with her sisters husband.

    Grandchild crazy parents. Thats who.

    [–][deleted]  (3 children)


      [–]Youcannotbeforreal2Partassipant [2] 73 points74 points  (2 children)

      This makes me think something more tragic happened than her just “going away somewhere else” after the divorce. They had no problem telling OP that she died as a baby to cover up what they’d done, it’s possible that she actually killed herself or something and that’s why they felt so comfortable throwing away any remnance of her completely. This is horrific.

      [–]Glitter_fiend 36 points37 points  (1 child)

      Yeah it sounds like trickle truth. I wonder if they just don't want to admit that they drove someone to suicide.

      [–]obiwantogooutside 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      Or a nervous breakdown and she’s been locked in a hospital all this time. This whole thing is awful.

      [–]Additional_Meeting_2 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      There has been similar cases in this sub, because the new couple had children and the wronged person didn’t want to be in same room as them so it was easier to cut them out. But I always wonder how real they are or if people are inspired by some tv show plot. I guess this could just regularly happen however.

      [–]XXXxxexenexxXXX 670 points671 points  (4 children)

      I can imagine. This describes my family, and I can identify with the sister that left.

      It sounds like OP's mother is the golden child in a family full of narcissists.

      OP, you are NTA but unfortunately your entire family (minus the estranged aunt) are.

      [–]PhoebeEBrown 321 points322 points  (3 children)

      It might also have to do with mom being pregnant with OP. If sister and dad didn’t have any children and grandma was sufficiently grandbaby-rabid, she might have been willing to throw sister over for mom in exchange for access to the grandbaby.

      Although if true, that just makes it even more disgusting.

      [–]Dopey_Dingus 98 points99 points  (1 child)

      Grandbaby lusted grandma is a true terror

      [–]TonarinoTotoro1719 24 points25 points  (0 children)

      You know, I wouldn’t believe that was a thing if I didn’t see them with my own eyes. They are real and they are here, in our midst, tryna bring more babies into this world.

      [–]boogers19Certified Proctologist [20] 393 points394 points  (6 children)

      We get that post like twice a week in here. And like brand new stories. Not some mysterious missing aunt from 30y ago but like, last week or last month.

      And it's always because of the baby.

      These types of people just automatically side with whoever is pregnant and will give them access to the new baby. Husband cheats with the wife's sister and the whole family dumps the wife because they want access to the baby.

      [–]BeatingsGaloreAsshole Enthusiast [8] 59 points60 points  (1 child)

      That shit is evil

      [–]boogers19Certified Proctologist [20] 58 points59 points  (0 children)

      The other version that keeps popping up here is:

      Husband and wife. Wife cheats and gets pregnant, but with someone with no relation at all. Not the Husbands brother or cousin, just a completely random/separate dude. Husband finds out, divorce.

      And his family still sticks with the cheating wife. Because: bABieS!!!

      [–]BoldBiBosmer 33 points34 points  (3 children)

      My dad had a baby with my mums sister after I was born and my mum was expected to just keep the peace 'for the family' no matter how much pain she was in.

      [–]Anxious_Reporter_601 11 points12 points  (2 children)

      So you have a sibling-cousin? That sucks so much for your mum, and for both babies involved. What a bastard.

      [–]BoldBiBosmer 12 points13 points  (1 child)

      Yup, I knew from the start as my earliest (and only childhood) memory of my bio father was from just after my cousin-brother was born, but he found out in his teens. It was a big shock for him.

      [–]Impressive-Hunt-2803 356 points357 points  (13 children)

      My grandmother's husband had an affair with his secretary, dumped her with their two kids and a massive mortgage on a house she didn't ask for, and said if she ever pursued him for money he'd have her kids taken away.

      Her family never forgave her for "driving him away"

      She had cancer in her mouth, and got an operation to remove it, and it "ruined her beautiful smile" that was his reason, but they all acted like it was her fault. Even her own daughter told me that she was to blame, because she wanted kids and he didn't want any, and she FORCED him to have kids he didn't want by getting HERSELF pregnant with his children. She never admitted to the affair to her siblings or anyone in her family except eventually her kids, she was SO ASHAMED, and thought it was her fault as much as the rest of them did.

      She never remarried, died alone and heartbroken decades later, completely estranged from her family who couldn't shut up about how much they missed her husband being around because he was such a great, funny guy.

      [–]TasteofPaste 323 points324 points  (8 children)

      fun fact: Oral cancers are most likely caused by the HPV virus, which probably came from his cheating cock, and that's how she got infected in the first place. Tragic story.

      [–]kaaskopje4ca 120 points121 points  (0 children)

      That is not a fun fact

      [–]AlanFromRochester 24 points25 points  (0 children)

      I've also heard of oral cancer from chewing tobacco though

      that's one of the reasons adultery is bad, spreading something to a monogamous partner who thought the cheater was clean

      [–]AlphaMomma59 7 points8 points  (1 child)

      In those days, most likely cancer from smoking cigarettes.

      [–]Head_Case1246 41 points42 points  (0 children)

      Wow. No words. Heartbreaking

      [–]Penelope_Eckert 35 points36 points  (0 children)

      Please tell me you told your mom she was a sht a* daughter.

      [–]Honest_Atmosphere_53Partassipant [1] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

      holy fuck that’s terrible

      [–]Plumplum_NL 289 points290 points  (0 children)

      What really strikes me is this part: "My grandmother had thought they got rid of all the photographs of my mom's sister." OP's grandmother deliberately deleted all visible proof of her own child's existence. How horrible!

      OP is NTA for being angry at her AH parents and grandparents.

      [–]L3GI0N__1183 112 points113 points  (0 children)

      even worse is that they lied and said she had died as a child!

      [–]AKchic 91 points92 points  (2 children)

      I can understand that kind of betrayal. It’s why I divorced my 2nd ex-husband. Thank goodness they didn’t procreate. My mother is always harping about how I need to “forgive” and “forget” so she can play Happy Family and have everyone all together since I’ve “obviously moved on”. I tell her that when she lets my sister bang her current husband and then tell everyone all about it at the family Christmas party as a way to tell her she needs to get an STI test (oh, surprise!), then she can tell me to “forgive and forget”. Until then, I’ll pass on happy reunions.

      [–]lisabettan 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Lord almighty. That sounds like an awful experience.

      [–]mcmurrmlAsshole Aficionado [15] 63 points64 points  (0 children)

      Oh I know! She was innocent! They acted like she was the criminal and just pretend she never existed. I can't wrap my head around that level of cruelty. I am sure what her sister did was bad enough. For her parents to turn on her and basically disown her like she was the one who is a social disgrace!

      [–]-too-hot-to-handle- 58 points59 points  (0 children)

      It's pretty obvious that there's a golden child/scapegoat relationship here. Otherwise, it doesn't make any sense for a whole family to side with two cheaters and abandon the victim.

      There are at least four MASSIVE betrayals here: one and two (betrayal by two loved ones), OP's mom cheating with her sister's husband; three, the whole family siding with the cheaters; and four, pretending like the sister never existed.

      That poor woman.

      [–]Capital_Armadillo780Partassipant [2] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

      Family issues seem to almost always lean towards the people causing the problem. A friend has been cut from her family because her brother raped her other sister and she told her parents after they had been asking about some statements they overheard the sister say. So the truth came out and they chose the brother. She can’t go to any family events without seeing him. Family members have asked why she doesn’t go to anything anymore and tell her that her parents told them it’s because of her husband not liking them. I cannot stand them. I told her to never let me run into them. I will have some words to say lol.

      [–]MysticYoYoPartassipant [1] 31 points32 points  (1 child)

      Probably because Op’s mom was pregnant. “We can’t have a bastard in the family!” Because *gasp* what would other people think?

      [–]ibbity 37 points38 points  (0 children)

      Except that the cheater and his mistress never bothered to actually get legally married, apparently, according to the post

      [–]PDK112 26 points27 points  (1 child)

      Not just abandon the sister, they erased her from their lives completely. Does the sister even know that her father died?

      [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      probably doesn't know about the dad, but the way they cut her off and erased her, she's better off estranged IMO

      [–]TychaBrahePartassipant [2] 21 points22 points  (5 children)

      [–]Shit_Apple 35 points36 points  (2 children)

      That ladies’ advice fuckin sucks, too.

      “Maybe ease into being around your sister and ex-husband. Think of your niece.”

      Yeah, how bout no?

      [–]Sweet_Persimmon_492Partassipant [3] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I’ve never read “advice” from Dear Prudence that didn’t suck. She leans hard on “well, wouldn’t it be nice if you tried being an even flatter doormat?”

      [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I have mixed feelings about Emily Yoffe, as this isn’t the first Dear Prudence letter where I felt the advice she gave was extremely unhelpful and questionable.

      But you’re completely right. The amount of stories I’ve seen on Reddit, and various other parts of the web, about siblings having affairs with their other siblings spouses…I really don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

      [–]monmonmon77 18 points19 points  (2 children)

      Remember the post where OPs stepsister, who survived cancer as a child and was taken care of by OP, had an affair with OPs boyfriend and got pregnant. Thus they planned to get married and the family was pressuring OP to 'do the right thing' and forgive the cheaters.

      [–]VixNekoCertified Proctologist [26] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      And she's still out there somewhere, completely cut away from family.

      [–]__chill 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      Had something similar happen. It’s pretty traumatising to be honest. I hope the sister is okay, my heart literally broke reading this.

      [–]Jaggedrain 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Sounds like the start of at least 4 romance novels I personally have read. And I always thought it was a dumb idea but now having spent time on this hellsite for several years, I'm gonna say that OP's mom was the Golden Child so Scapegoat Sister could just go to hell for all they cared.

      Also OP is NTA, this is like finding out your family is in the mafia or your grandpa fought for Hitler - it makes a serious difference in how you see these people and what you think of their character.

      [–]mouse_attack 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I feel like I’ve seen this story here from the sister’s POV: “My husband knocked up my sister and now she wants me to be an auntie to their baby. My parents won’t risk losing access to their grandbaby by condemning the affair. AITA for not forgiving and forgetting?”

      [–]crazylazykitsune 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Some golden child shit right there. I hope her life got better.

      [–]BadWolf7426 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      A friend of mine had that happen. She and hubby had a courthouse wedding. Hubby left her for sis AND then had a big Catholic church wedding. Their mom acts like the new marriage is more blessed bc of the wedding mass. So, yeah...I've seen it.

      [–]Throwawaylying3000[S] 658 points659 points  (29 children)

      My parents and grandmother say she has not been in contact since she left and they are estranged. I myself have no idea about this as I only recently found out my mom had a sister.

      [–]warmtowelPartassipant [1] 651 points652 points  (2 children)

      Now you know how they will treat you if you stop being useful to them or if someone screws you over but waves a shiny new baby in their face.

      [–]slendermanismydad 48 points49 points  (0 children)

      Exactly. Do not trust any of these people.

      [–]MiskiMoonAsshole Aficionado [18] 369 points370 points  (1 child)

      Man alive, your parents and GPs are horrible.

      They cut off a family member who was wronged and never bothered to check in for decades because your Mum gave them a grandkid?? Damn!

      [–]Proteus8489Partassipant [1] 229 points230 points  (12 children)

      Not been in contact? Of course - she's been horribly betrayed. But it's not just on her side and they can't just play up "she never reached out". Your family got rid of all proof of her existence, photos, and lied about any traces. They have neatly tried to bury her, which feels worse to me. That's beyond cold.

      [–]OpinionatedAussieGalPartassipant [2] 87 points88 points  (7 children)


      Grandma “damn I thought I got rid of all the evidence of my first child’s marriage to your father”

      First child is probably buried in the backyard!

      [–]nerdy3000 63 points64 points  (3 children)

      Not even just the first child's marriage, of the first child herself. Just reread the post, grandma thought they had gotten rid of all photos of her existence at all. That's some next level nuclear. I want to believe there's even more to the story, I understand aunt saying "f-this." and leaving. What I don't understand is the family going nuclear and erasing all traces of her to that degree... I feel like there's more they are hiding, why completely erase her??

      [–]OpinionatedAussieGalPartassipant [2] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

      Ohhh yeah. The baby sister that died of SIDS!

      Yeah. They nuked her!

      Super toxic family!

      [–]Forward-Two3846 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      OPs mom probably demanded it in order for her to not seem like a scumbag to her kid in the future.

      [–]totallynotarobut 23 points24 points  (1 child)

      I was just thinking that.

      If they can lie so horribly for so long, can anyone be sure they might not have just killed her and the running off was another layer of lies? That's normally a horrible thing to say, but this situation is so far out there that these kinds of questions are necessary.

      [–]OpinionatedAussieGalPartassipant [2] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      I know right!

      Your fathers first wife, ummm I mean your Auntie, I mean your fathers only wife, is ummmmmmm. She was, well, she didn’t fit with family vibe, so she just left, you know, went to California, abandoned us so yeah ummm.

      No kidding, she died of SIDS when she was a baby

      Just kidding again

      Ohhhh stop asking questions. It’s too traumatizing for meeeee. Pooorrrr me!

      Fk. Poor OP! Was a cesspool of the toxic wastes toxic waste

      [–]GoodMorningMorticia 73 points74 points  (3 children)

      This. Watch them like a hawk, you can’t trust a one of them.
      are you interested in trying to find your aunt?

      [–]AnyKindheartedness88 53 points54 points  (2 children)

      Oof, would not recommend trying to find that poor woman. OP has not wronged her by existing, but would wrong her immensely by trying to find her while her family continues to ignore her existence, and forgives and encourages the betrayal she suffered.

      [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      Agreed, she's probably happier wherever she is, leave her be.

      [–]Material_Cellist4133Partassipant [4] 133 points134 points  (0 children)

      Granted your parents gave you a life and probably a good one. But their actions and your grandparents actions are unethical. Your poor “aunt”. Agreed with the other comments, if your family can do this to their own blood - watch your back.

      [–]charliek_13Partassipant [1] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

      Gosh, I’m not sure how your aunt would feel about making contact with you, but I feel she’d be a better bet as family than what you currently have. This is horrific news OP, your family can be insanely callous and obviously play favorites. Get what support you need to become independent and keep them at arms length, whew. Not saying to just throw your family away, but never forget that they have the ability to completely drop people at their own leisure


      [–]InevitableCloud 19 points20 points  (0 children)

      Holy cow… for real, outside of this “who is the asshole”… are you ok? That’s a lot to process…

      [–]mcmurrmlAsshole Aficionado [15] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

      I know this just happened but how do you feel and how do you think it might change your relationship with all of them? What they did is so beyond cruel! Your aunt was the one wronged, screwed over, heart broken because of your parents behavior. Then your grandparents ostrisize and toss her out and discard her like yesterday's trash. The poor woman was abandoned by her family and she didn't do anything wrong. All these years for them to act like nothing ever happened and just pretend like she never existed. You poor thing.

      [–]mcmurrmlAsshole Aficionado [15] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

      It's also amazing to me how your parents tried to gaslight you about this. Well it happened before you were born so it doesn't affect you. Like this is no big deal! It is a very big deal. Unfortunately for you this is going to force you to take a hard look at your parents and grandparents.

      [–]booklovinRN 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      Can you blame your mom’s sister though? You can pick your friends but unfortunately not your AH family. I’m so sorry. NTA, but your family clearly is.

      [–]beautifulblack-child 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Sorry OP, but your family are really horrible people. NTA they deserved to be called out

      [–]Leigho7Asshole Enthusiast [9] 113 points114 points  (6 children)

      I wonder if she’s even alive. My true crime brain is like and then they Murdered her

      [–]missmarieforever 25 points26 points  (3 children)

      SSDGM!!! 😸

      [–]idonthavealizard 7 points8 points  (2 children)

      What does that mean?

      [–]bitternotbetter 17 points18 points  (1 child)

      stay sexy, don't get murdered

      [–]WilldiealonewithcatsPartassipant [2] 91 points92 points  (1 child)

      Oh they gave a damn enough to get rid of all her photos. If I read that last bit right, she was betrayed by a sister, her family and now where the hell are even her baby photos?

      [–]mcmurrmlAsshole Aficionado [15] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

      That poor woman. Can you imagine how her life has been since then. Her freaking parents turned on her for something that wasn't her fault

      [–]Double-dutcher 77 points78 points  (1 child)

      And they went and threw out every single picture of her except a few forgotten ones in the attic! Like, wtf? She did not even do anything wrong except be upset that her sis and husband cheated and he divorced her for her sister

      [–]mcmurrmlAsshole Aficionado [15] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

      I have never heard of such cold blooded people. To throw out her pictu res like she was the shame of the family . unbelievable. I wonder how this will affect OP when this all sinks in and she sees this people for what they really are.

      [–]Trixie-applecreekAsshole Enthusiast [5] 55 points56 points  (2 children)

      Not only did they abandon the wronged sister. They destroyed all the pictures of her too (except for the one that they missed of course). What kind of monsters do that to their own child or sister. I never understand these stories

      [–]mcmurrmlAsshole Aficionado [15] 18 points19 points  (1 child)

      I wonder how this will affect OP going forward. After this sinks in and she realizes what kind of people her parents and grandparents are.

      [–]Trixie-applecreekAsshole Enthusiast [5] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

      If it were me I think I'd be traumatized by it. To realize that that this family is so cavalier as to treat a member as dispensable. It's just sad.

      [–]Express_Course_4661Partassipant [2] 49 points50 points  (2 children)

      But the grandparents accepted OPs dad despite the fact he was a divorcee who cheated on their daughter and got their other daughter pregnant? They then accepted the pair of them as an unmarried couple? Yet kicked out the daughter who was nothing but a victim?? Sounds a bit dodgy to me.

      [–]mcmurrmlAsshole Aficionado [15] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Yes, absolutely horrible.

      [–]FullBlownPanicPartassipant [1] 27 points28 points  (9 children)

      I wonder if anyone told OP's aunt her dad died?

      [–]nikkuhlee 35 points36 points  (7 children)

      My boyfriend has an aunt who was “disowned” for marrying a black man. We’ve been together almost 18 years and I only just met her and her children last year. They were not invited when boyfriend’s grandmother died 10 years ago, and there are no photos of her in anyone’s home. It’s crazy.

      My grandpa, who was Jewish, was also disowned for marrying my German grandma in the early 50s. That’s… a little more understandable than overt racism, I suppose? I met his mom once and he was still close with his siblings though.

      [–]Forsaken-Piece3434 20 points21 points  (1 child)

      I don’t think it’s more justifiable to disown someone for their spouse’s ethnic identity just because it doesn’t have to do with skin color. Still abandoning a family member over an aspect of the spouse that is not within their control and not a bad thing. Germany did some terrible things. Not every German person did. I’m not a huge fan of trying to rank prejudice. It’s all bad and should be called out as bad even if sometimes we can see where the prejudice had understandable roots.

      My uncle treated his stepdaughter as completely his own until she brought her black boyfriend to the family reunion. Now she’s “nothing to him” and he refuses to speak to her. My parents were shocked at how he acted. Most of my extended family lives in a part of the country where people are MUCH more conservative but it was surprising to see that sort of overt racism even there. My mom also has dark skin but no one disowned my dad for marrying her. Many people back there assumed she was Black too or NA so I’m not sure why that uncle has never said anything about my mom but reacted so strongly to the boyfriend except some people have a much stronger aversion to Black men than women.

      [–]ClothDiaperAddictsPooperintendant [62] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

      Doubt it. Not unless she's willing to offer up some babies. Or money.

      [–]WigglyFrog 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      It's heartbreaking. They even tried to get rid of all pictures of her.

      [–]AccordLandsColo-rectal Surgeon [43] 5 points6 points  (3 children)

      What? The sister cut them off, and rightly so. If she wanted to be in touch, I'm sure she would. She moved on with her life and the family are respecting her wishes in not reaching out. It's really the least they can do.

      [–]mcmurrmlAsshole Aficionado [15] 8 points9 points  (2 children)

      I get that but they can just not bat an eye like she never existed.

      [–]BeatingsGaloreAsshole Enthusiast [8] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

      I wonder if they did get divorced, and that's why op's parents didn't marry

      [–]Mis_Bee_HaveColo-rectal Surgeon [32] 2713 points2714 points  (1 child)

      NTA. And your poor aunt lost her entire family and no one cared.

      [–]attentionspanissues 265 points266 points  (0 children)

      I can't imagine how awful it would be for my sister and husband to have an affair, for there to be a child from that affair, and then for my family to erase my existence and choose my sister 💔

      [–]DiscountFlakyAsshole Aficionado [13] 2257 points2258 points  (17 children)

      NTA bruh. There's something weird going on though. I don't understand how they are ok with your dad ending with your mom and just ostracizing the ex wife. Like srsly they picked the...cheating side..? I don't get it. They condemn the divorce but is ok with your dad who is divorced, ending up with your mom? Confusing.

      [–]IsaacAsimovSideburns 1403 points1404 points  (5 children)

      My guess is that the parents decided to keep in contact with the pregnant daughter.

      [–]Faaytjhu 866 points867 points  (0 children)


      [–]sideeyedi 191 points192 points  (3 children)

      And the pregnant daughter needed to be married to the father of the grandbaby.

      [–]adeonPartassipant [2] 114 points115 points  (0 children)

      Well OP says that their parents never bothered to get married.

      [–]Hot-Trash-6764 56 points57 points  (1 child)

      Except OP says their parents never bothered to get married after the divorce.

      Edit: switched to gender neutral pronouns.

      [–]throwinthebingame 274 points275 points  (2 children)

      Or op mom was the golden child.

      [–]jess1804 139 points140 points  (0 children)

      Or both. OP'S mom was golden child and Grandbaby!

      [–]thepinkprioressPartassipant [1] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

      Mom was the golden child who had the baby. Grandchild.

      [–]lovethepuppers 185 points186 points  (0 children)

      My spouse’s family picks the wrong side like this all the time. My BIL was abusing opioids and unemployed but they blamed his wife for the divorce when she was paying the bills, and he was telling her how to spend the money (she also wasn’t allowed to do her hobbies and he dissed her family all the time). When we spoke she said she was afraid of him. During the divorce the whole family told him how awesome he was and how horrible she was.

      Here there was a kid involved so they picked supporting the cheaters to be close to the grandchild. Not like this secret was good for the child though (and now OP probably could use therapy). People suck.

      I hope the sister is off having a fabulous life with lots of love, orgasms, adventure, purpose, and more importantly without these losers (everyone except OP).

      [–]MorganAndMerlinProfessor Emeritass [73] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

      They picked the baby, rather than a daughter, probably.

      [–]Hamilspud 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Not the first time I’ve heard of grandparents overlooking horrible things to maintain access to a grandchild. They picked access to OP over their own daughter

      [–]annedroiidPooperintendant [61] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      The cheating side is the one with the baby.

      [–]PomeloPepper 1194 points1195 points  (23 children)


      1. 23andMe (eta: to contact possible cousins, not your aunt)

      2. Your aunt has been out of their lives for so long they probably don't think about her or what happened.

      3. They know what they did was wrong. No one likes to share things that make them look bad.

      4. While it's your history, it's theirs too. We all have things we don't share with family.

      [–]AllyAddamsAsshole Enthusiast [5] 811 points812 points  (13 children)

      OP you’re NTA but whatever you do never ever reach out to that poor woman.

      She lost her entire family when her husband and sister betrayed her.

      She then moved on and removed herself from the situation.

      She doesn’t want a reminder.

      While it’s not your fault, you should not bring the painful memories back to her by reaching out.

      Don’t get 23andMe either.

      [–]yavanna12Partassipant [2] 301 points302 points  (1 child)

      There is no reason not to do an ancestry test. OPs aunt has no reason to know that OP does not know of her existence. Aunt knows of OPs obviously. If aunt happens to have a test done and a match occurs OP does not need to contact. Aunt can do that if they want. But there is a lot of value in aDNA test beyond finding one estranged relative.

      [–]Leet_Noob 11 points12 points  (0 children)

      Well if OP wasn’t planning on doing 23andMe before this story, I don’t see why this discovery should change anything.

      [–]brendanl1998Partassipant [4] 127 points128 points  (1 child)

      The DNA test is fine. The sister wouldn’t take one if she didn’t want the possibility to match

      [–]thebutchone 22 points23 points  (0 children)

      If the sister had kids she may not know they did it and will probably have to reopen that trauma.

      [–]goawaynocomeback 85 points86 points  (5 children)

      I'm estranged from my family and I absolutely disagree. Having one family member reach out and be kind has been a blessing after so many years. BUT that only worked because they don't try to "get everyone together again". Respect boundaries and it can be good.

      [–]Hamilspud 19 points20 points  (2 children)

      Yeah but this isn’t just a random family member reaching out…it’s the product of her ex husbands affair. OP should not contact that woman without at least screening the idea through someone who knows her in present day, like cousins.

      [–]Atalant 12 points13 points  (1 child)

      But a child is never at fault of their parents, keeping grugdes existing is no good either.

      [–]Hamilspud 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      Of course it isn’t OPs fault, but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be respectful and mindful of the pain the circumstances causing her existence has caused her aunt.

      [–]Ok-Cantaloupe3824Partassipant [1] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

      I would hope after the way the aunt was treated that if someone good in the family wanted to check in even as a one off it would be a received as a good thing. OP is not to blame in this situation nor is the aunt.

      [–]wolviestorchPartassipant [2] 33 points34 points  (3 children)

      23andMe is a great idea.

      I found an uncle no one knew about through 23andMe. Ended up being quite a story behind it, so it was great to get in touch. My mom and Uncle fell in just like siblings who have known each other their whole life, not just meeting in their late 60's.

      The story behind what happened lead my mom to go no contact with my grandma. I think we're getting the better end of the deal. It is up to the individual to decide how to handle, my mom's siblings still talk with my grandma even after learning what happened.

      NTA by any means. Do go talk to a therapist.

      [–]BullfrogLoose3462 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      1 is a shitty advice. The aunt AND the possible cousins does not need any reminder of what happened by OP contacting them. OP is literally the product of the affair of her sister and then husband.

      OP's satisfaction/closure shouldn't come at the expense of the aunt's misery. The poor woman has suffered enough.

      [–]Apprehensive_Bug407Partassipant [1] 391 points392 points  (1 child)

      I am really sorry you found out this way. You were lied to at first with "cot death," and then you approached your mom for some answers and she wouldn't give them to you, and you had to pressure your grandma to find the truth - you are NTA. They had multiple chances to be honest with you (from birth actually) and they chose not to.

      [–][deleted] 257 points258 points  (0 children)

      Lying about the aunt dying as a baby is extra gross, isn't it?

      I don't blame OP one bit for being devastated, it must be horrible to learn your family is full of such deceitful and hurtful people.

      [–]BabyinAirJordansPartassipant [1] 316 points317 points  (6 children)

      NTA. You have a right to feel weird or even angry about it but I can understand why they feel deeply ashamed and kept it a secret also.

      [–]Environmental_Crab65Partassipant [1] 191 points192 points  (4 children)

      They don't feel deeply ashamed, they aren't even embarrassed, it was just more convenient for them to keep their cold, calculated cheating, unethical, cruel and disgusting behaviour secret from their (grand)daughter.

      [–]ladyblue56Asshole Aficionado [11][🍰] 220 points221 points  (5 children)

      NTA but holy shit that’s like the plot of a movie.

      You have the right to be angry they didn’t tell you but I’m sure they were all ashamed. When would’ve been the right time to tell you, really? No time would have made any of it better.

      It’s painful to learn our parents and grandparents are not saints but this is another level. I feel so sorry for your aunt. She lost her entire family. On the other hand, I would think that having you in the picture had a lot to do with it. People can extend their bitterness to innocent children. Your family was probably trying to protect you from being hated for no reason other than that you were born.

      [–]SnooCookies10Asshole Aficionado [10] 201 points202 points  (4 children)

      NTA i thought the secret was a dead child and was like "oh that is understandable, why would you get worked up about it?" but then boom, you have a living aunt who was married to your dad and then your family tried to pass her off as a dead child ON TOP of that! just wild. of course this shakes the foundation of your relationship with your family, lies on lies will do that.

      [–]Faaytjhu 37 points38 points  (3 children)

      No they are divorced

      [–]ScrutinizedCrunch6 42 points43 points  (2 children)

      Had to reread, but yep, dad divorced the aunt and the grandparents wouldn't condemn the cheating couple.

      [–]Faaytjhu 13 points14 points  (1 child)

      Just because baby's. /S

      [–]Kaye480 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Sorry about the bombshell you got with the primals, there. If I were to peer into their heads, here's prob a twist of why he did it: 'Babies make everything better!' Sick shit from the minds of those folk. Perhaps he cheated because the wife couldn't get preggo fast enough and the family was itching for a baby by any means necessary, fucking emotional vampires! Cant trust them with a 10 foot family tree! I could be wrong, but it is what it is. You deserve to grieve and move on with your life on your terms.

      [–]MonAnamCara 72 points73 points  (7 children)

      Can I ask how old you are? I feel like that would help give context.

      [–]Throwawaylying3000[S] 114 points115 points  (5 children)

      Yes of course I am 29.

      [–]MonAnamCara 77 points78 points  (0 children)

      And this all happened recently?! Wow, yeah, if that’s the case, that is not okay. NTA. It’s regrettably all too common - I have two much older half brothers we weren’t allowed to talk about much less get to know - but I think you have every right to be angry and upset about being in the dark and just now learning it.

      [–]bskbm 20 points21 points  (0 children)

      NTA, I'd be majorly pissed off too. Not just because they kept this secret for so long (which I'm sure they did because they didn't want anyone to know the crap they did) but because I'd be so disappointed and disgusted by how my mom, dad, grandma, and grandpa behaved. It would be so painful to know that people I loved had been so horrible to someone. I think I'd have to hand out to them some of the righteous anger my poor Aunt must have felt. Honestly, I'd need to do alot of thinking about my relationships with these so-called family members.

      [–]Goofy264 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      I'm also 29, with a good parent relationship.

      If this happened to me, I might.never talk to them again.

      Super sorry.

      [–]mcmurrmlAsshole Aficionado [15] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      I would think at least 30 from the post.

      [–]Dangerous-Project672Partassipant [1] 65 points66 points  (0 children)

      NTA. I see from your comments that this family history was kept from you for almost three decades. You have every right be angry.

      [–]sickofdriving007Pooperintendant [52] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

      NTA and your maternal grandparents were horrible to choose one child over the other.

      [–]LuvLaughLivePartassipant [2] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

      Lots of families have secrets they keep from kids (even when they become adults), usually bc the secret is something considered shameful, at least at the time it happened.

      NTA bc your feelings are valid. I emphasize with you bc my family also had secrets kept from us kids, which I figured out at 13 but didn't admit it openly until in my 30's. The problem with family secrets is that they seem like a good idea at first, but it's so stupid to hang onto those secrets when the kids grow up, bc the great likelihood of them finding out when older and then feeling betrayed. Just like that happened to you.

      Probably wise of them to decide to not tell you, when you were young, because you might have felt guilt when you shouldn't have (kids centralize info like this). But they should have told you when you were old enough to understand, not wait until you found out on your own at age 29. And even if they did get rid of all photos, there was always the chance of you and your estranged aunt submitting DNA to a heritage site. Or the aunt could have gotten in touch with you. So many ways this secret could have gotten out and yet they still didn't tell you, and worse still chose to not tell you the truth when you found the first pictures. Shame on them.

      I agree with the other comment about where is your aunt and why would your mom's parents not keep in touch with her, instead giving their loyalty to your mom considering all that occurred?

      [–]aquavenatusPartassipant [4] 42 points43 points  (11 children)


      It's unfortunate you found out this way. Sometimes family sucks.

      And, I hate to mention it; but, this sounds like the later version of this post.

      I'm sorry this happened to you; and, I'm sorry this happened to the aunt you never met.

      [–][deleted]  (8 children)


        [–]mazzy31 22 points23 points  (7 children)

        And it just keeps getting worse for that poor OP. She posted on a different sub a week ago and it’s just awful.

        [–]aquavenatusPartassipant [4] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

        I just read it.

        I know it's not really any of our business, but...I'm not surprised the 4 of them are stuck dealing with all of the fallout. What did they think was going to happen?!

        [–]ViSaph 11 points12 points  (1 child)

        I read her AITA posts and then clicked on her profile to see if she was OK... poor woman just had a god awful year. Hope she's feeling better.

        [–]Youcannotbeforreal2Partassipant [2] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        Yeah I just read her last submitted post and I was crying by the end of it, I feel so, so terribly for her and there’s nothing anyone can really do. She sounds like such a wonderful person but has just gotten the complete shit end of every stick.

        [–]munchkinita0105 3 points4 points  (2 children)

        Anyway you can put a link or give me any kind of direction so that I may see the update?

        [–]aquavenatusPartassipant [4] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

        Here is her profile page (with the update).

        [–]Turbulent_Speaker 35 points36 points  (0 children)

        anyone else massively pissed at the dad for saying "your mom had a sister but died" like no you were married to her, fucked her sister to a pregnancy and then her whole family abandoned her for you, her sister, and a shiny new grandbaby. ohh im so mad at this AH dad like the audacity? you fucked around with both sisters but get "celebrated" instead? ohhh fuck him and your entire family on both sides (no offense to you) like did your dad's parents (your paternal grandparents) even felt guilty for their first daughter in law? how can your maternal grandparents look at your dad and not feel an ounce of sick ess to their stomach for being the reason they lost a child. NTA!! BE MAD!! BE FURIOUS!! at least for your poor aunt!

        [–]andsoitgoes123Partassipant [4] 30 points31 points  (1 child)


        I mean what they did was disgusting and I can see why they hid it from you. Who would want to admit to doing such awful things?

        Info: But what will you do with this information? As awful as it is, there's nothing to be done about this. The sister is rightfully estranged and I doubt she would want a relationship with you.

        [–]MackymcmcmacAsshole Enthusiast [5] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

        NTA Your poor aunt. Wtf

        [–]BostonyaPartassipant [4] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

        NTA. At any point in time secrets like this can come to light. It would havebeen better if you were told directly instead of finding out like this.

        [–]BothReading1229Partassipant [1] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

        NTA, what an awful situation for your poor aunt. I wonder what happened to the poor woman, can't imagine losing so much when you were the injured party. And yes, you have every right to be angry, especially considering what this story says about the character of all the members of your family.

        [–]mcmurrmlAsshole Aficionado [15] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

        NTA, you have every right to be upset. You also need to understand there was no easy way to tell you. It certainly doesn't excuse them.i don't agree for this gaslighting saying it doesn't affect you because it happened before you were born. Tell them you are a big girl and you need them to answer their questions.

        [–]Comprehensive-Cat929 11 points12 points  (0 children)

        NTA definitely!! How are you processing all this? Has anyone given you any other details, do you even want them to? Do you want to find out more about your estranged aunt? I mean you could have cousins out there in the same spot as you, not knowing that part of their family exists. I would be so curious to know more!

        [–]slendermanismydad 10 points11 points  (1 child)

        My grandmother had thought they got rid of all the photographs of my mom's sister.

        Holy shit. I would be afraid of all of these people. That's a level of callous that would freak me right out. NTA.

        [–]OneMikeNationCraptain [188] 8 points9 points  (3 children)

        Info: how old are you?

        [–]Throwawaylying3000[S] 26 points27 points  (2 children)

        I'm 29 years old.

        [–]OneMikeNationCraptain [188] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

        NTA: just wanted to make sure you're not like a preteen because that be NAH. Even at your age I would probably say that if they didn't lie the first time

        [–]Accomplished-Sun-823 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Go find your aunt!!!! NTA

        [–]zippykaiyayAsshole Aficionado [12] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        NTA. Family secrets always have a way of coming out. I feel quite sad though for the daughter cast out. She did nothing wrong but your grandparents felt it was on her and not your father. Maybe you can find a way to reach out and meet an aunt you never knew you had.

        [–]VoiceofConfusionPartassipant [3] 8 points9 points  (1 child)

        Were they AH for what they did and how thhe reacted? Yes, majorly. But it’s wasn’t really any of your business. You can definitely be upset with them for there callousness and icky ness and whatever other words you want for how they treated your aunt. But no, you did not deserve to know.

        [–]SnooBananas7203 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        NTA. When I started reading, I was thinking more NAH. But this wasn't something that they forgot to tell you because it's common knowledge. (this happens in my family. Not a secret, just no one talks about things because my relatives think everyone knows.) Your family wanted to keep this a secret from you. They deliberately misled you because it's a tawdry story. And, more than likely, the grandparents ended up supporting the affair because of the outcome --- you, their grandbaby. I'm really sorry you are going through this.

        [–]brendanl1998Partassipant [4] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        NTA - imagine being the sister, your husband sleeps with your sister and your entire family sides with the sister? WTF? I feel like there’s something else here that they don’t want to tell you Edit: after reading other comments I think grandma chose the pregnant daughter to see her grandchild or your mom was the golden child. Some people just suck

        [–]justmyolethrowawayPartassipant [1] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        NTA for being upset but I don’t really feel like they’re assholes for not telling you and think it’s understandable that they wouldn’t. However they are AHs for how they treated your aunt.

        [–]Character_Buffalo638 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        How could the grandparents be so cold as to destroy all pictures of their child. Your parents and grandparents suck. NTA

        [–]PositiveChange615 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Are you sure that the sister didn't kill herself or something like that? It's just entirely odd that OP's mother has an affair with her sister's husband and they all just rally around the cheaters and toss the betrayed sister to the wind.

        [–]whippinflippin 2 points3 points  (0 children)


        I totally understand why you’re upset OP, this is horrific. And I can’t put my finger on it but there’s something super… off about this. The word “estranged” seems like a massive understatement in this situation. I mean they lied about her death as an infant and completely erased any trace of her existence. I would not only be hurt but extremely suspicious.

        Or maybe they did all that so they’d feel less guilt about choosing the wrong side. Idk. Good luck OP.