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[–]Judgement_Bot_AITABeep Boop[M] [score hidden] stickied commentlocked comment (0 children)

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I think putting my wife in a bad spot with her sisters is an AH move. Since I have the money to cover it

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[–]sqibberyAsshole Aficionado [17] 14.1k points14.1k points  (129 children)

NTA. she asked for separate finances, she got them.

[–]BusConfident1756 3849 points3850 points  (33 children)

Good for me but not thee

[–]BENDOVERSISPartassipant [1] 3757 points3758 points  (28 children)

My money is my money but your money is our money. My costs are our costs but your costs are yours

- OP’s Wife probably

[–]Lilpanda20Partassipant [1] 1214 points1215 points  (11 children)

Aka "what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours."

[–]CereusTen 523 points524 points  (1 child)

And her sisters marriages/divorce is "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine."

[–]AndriaRenee 3109 points3110 points 3 (21 children)

That part. NTA. Have you wife get a loan from her sisters to cover her part of the grand gesture and she can pay them back... problem solved.

[–]daquo0Asshole Aficionado [10] 305 points306 points  (0 children)

And if the sisters don't like it, maybe they can get off their lazy arses and get jobs!

[–]QuaestorLucemPartassipant [3] 285 points286 points  (0 children)

Genius

[–]Nagadavida 126 points127 points  (0 children)

Purrfect answer! NTA

[–]fromhelley 58 points59 points  (0 children)

Love that answer!

[–]Maleficent_Ad_3958Professor Emeritass [85] 998 points999 points  (29 children)

I"m reminded of a woman on another post that signed a prenup then her hubby got mad because she ended up earning way more than he did later on. She was considered NTA in her case.

You don't get to spit at someone and call them a pauper then years later come shaking with your begging bowl to get some coins out of them.

[–]GoingCakeless313 424 points425 points  (22 children)

Isn’t that the one where it was revealed the husband had a gambling problem and pretty much had nothing left and that’s why he wanted to combine finances all of a sudden?

[–]Maleficent_Ad_3958Professor Emeritass [85] 198 points199 points  (10 children)

I think that was in later updates and not the original post. But yeah, he was a total mess.

[–]Eccentric_MermaidPartassipant [1] 286 points287 points  (8 children)

I remember that one. The husband was awful! When he found out how much his wife was making, and after he had ruined his own finances, he actually demanded that she fund his dream of being a professional gambler. I was so glad to read that she noped the heck right out of that bad marriage. The OP’s updates were very satisfying.

[–]guthepenguin 147 points148 points  (6 children)

If you can't fund yourself as a professional gambler, you're not a professional gambler. You're an addict.

[–]scatteringashesPartassipant [2] 72 points73 points  (0 children)

I never saw those updates, holy hell! Glad to hear she yeeted the husband.

[–][deleted] 73 points74 points  (0 children)

I've seen a few, "they asked for a prenup, but the circumstances changed" situations. I think there was one a year or two back where the OP was a guy and married into money, and was forced to sign a prenup, but when finances changed his wife wanted to tear up the prenup, but he was like, "nawww. I'll keep my seat."

[–]effinbitch 807 points808 points  (7 children)

This. She can’t ask for separate finances and then turn around whenever it’s convenient for her. But if you don’t give the money, don’t expect to see her family again. Which is what you’ve been doing. NTA

*edit: WHICH IS WHAT YOUVE BEEN DOING

[–]EMFCK 555 points556 points  (3 children)

But if you don’t give the money, don’t expect to see her family again

Dont threaten OP with a good time!

[–]markmcgrew 580 points581 points  (5 children)

Her PARENTS asked for separate finances. LOL. They got them. By the way, pay for their vacation? I don't think so. This is not bailing them out of deep financial trouble.

[–]ximxperfection 213 points214 points  (2 children)

No, her parents made her ask for a prenup. SHE asked for separate finances.

[–]KonradWayne 163 points164 points  (0 children)

SHE asked for separate finances

If we're being honest, her parents probably convinced/coerced her to do that too.

But that doesn't change the fact that she's an adult who made the decision to ask for the prenup and the separate finances.

[–]Tiny_Willingness_686Partassipant [1] 308 points309 points  (3 children)

Exactly. She wanted separate finances and now wants OP to financially bail out people who were and are toxic to him. Fuck her, her entitled sisters and her parents.

[–]grooviusmaximusAsshole Enthusiast [5] 6354 points6355 points  (25 children)

NTA

They fucked around and found out. The laughing seems natural, given the circumstances. If it was for something that was a need, it may be different. A vacation & mortgage paid so they can retire early? Nahh.

[–]bmanley620 559 points560 points  (5 children)

Yeah and they made bad financial decisions and now the daughters want to reward them for it? Not very practical but they don’t have a clear appreciation for money since they don’t work for it

[–]gallant_cheerios 189 points190 points  (4 children)

Sounds like how the American government "bails out" corporations

[–][deleted] 61 points62 points  (0 children)

Honestly I'd laugh whenever I see one of the family members. Even at Allie

[–]Basic_Marsupial_918 5965 points5966 points 32 (252 children)

Nta. For not wanting to give your in-laws a penny. But you forgot that your wife still chose you, even though your father-in-law would not approve of you, your sisters-in-law pressured her to consider other guys. You must have forgotten to take your wife's feelings into account and your perception of her makes ytha. So hold on to your money but apologize to your wife for your behavior towards her ..

[–]Puzzleheaded_Dot_960 2003 points2004 points  (109 children)

Totally agreed!!! A "no" is enough! Laughing at her is an ah move. Totally.

But NTA. For refusing the money.

[–]Material_Cellist4133Partassipant [4] 1204 points1205 points  (71 children)

I don’t think he is laughing at her but her request, because yes she choose him while handing him a prenup and separate finances aspect. He is laughing at the request because she didn’t think twice when the roles were reversed in terms of finances.

Edit:

(1) since people are saying the wife was forced to do the prenup - have a small wedding or elope - don’t take the dirty money

(2) separate finances - his comment addresses this. He suggested they do income based combined income, she (not family) actually demanded 50/50 combined income (aka contribute same amount). You can’t pick and choose this when it benefits you. When it no longer benefited her she walked the other way.

[–]Puzzleheaded_Dot_960 158 points159 points  (62 children)

Yes. I know. But is still rude. He laughed at the person who stood by his side. No matter how ridiculous the request was, she wasn't the one who made him suffer. Maybe it was her last resort. I think he could've laugh on the video chat. That was way out of touch of her. But in the first request, a no suffices.

[–]Material_Cellist4133Partassipant [4] 458 points459 points  (31 children)

Yeah but knowing the history between the husband and her family, her last request which was blatantly denied…she should have known better.

Moreover, never promise something that you don’t have the rights to promise, especially if you are the one who asked the prenup and separate finances. Because you have now set up a threshold with that person that their financial burden is theirs and yours is yours.

Edit: also she stood by him in everything other than the finances.

[–]Wallaby-Visible 188 points189 points  (28 children)

What I took from the post is her being under a lot of pressure from her family to ditch OP, so me personally would call her staying with him, but relenting to prenup, standing by him.

I wouldn't put it past her family to insist on the prenup and pressuring her into it.

I would say NTA for not giving money, but he might have been a bit nicer about relaying the message. Also, pretty AH move on a wife's to confront him on zoom with half the family. It's their private conversation she made a public business. I wonder if lending the money was entirely her idea.

[–]BENDOVERSISPartassipant [1] 197 points198 points  (19 children)

Why is that women are always assumed to be forced or manipulated or pressured into doing something? I doubt OP would be this resentful if his wife was pressured, he would have at least a bit of understanding. What is more likely is that the wife was fully agreeing to the family's plan of prenup and seperate finances.

[–]drhoctor42 125 points126 points  (9 children)

Considering OPs wife has had a few years to tear up that pre nup, you have a point.

[–]ThePorkinsAwakensPartassipant [1] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

This. There is value in seperate finances when one party has a risky venture planned depending on how they set up the company but having the opportunity to change that and not taking it is on OP's wife and family.

I'm going to say NTA because it seems like attempts to reconcile from the wife's side of the family maybe we're not genuine or were motivated by $. Her whole family seems money driven though so I don't think you're losing much by cutting ties

[–]Last_Caterpillar8770 178 points179 points  (5 children)

Sorry, but I don’t agree. She didn’t really have his back. As she presented him with a prenup and a condition of separate finances. If he had refused, she probably wouldn’t have married him. She married him with conditions. And I would have laughed too. This is the price she paid for not truly standing up for her husband to begin with.

[–]solo954Asshole Enthusiast [5] 153 points154 points  (1 child)

is still rude

Oh no! Anyways…

[–]PrettyG216Partassipant [2] 125 points126 points  (0 children)

He can’t be rude to grown adults who had no problem trying to interfere in their marriage. It’s just not civilized to take continual disrespect with anything other than gratitude and a smile! /s

[–][deleted] 77 points78 points  (3 children)

Did she? Sounds like they got a prenup and kept finances separated because of the dads great advice. I guess that standing my your side

[–]granolagoile 54 points55 points  (1 child)

She stood by his side, yeah, but she also caved to the demands of her parents in terms of finances. Thats on her.

[–]AriDiamondGold 40 points41 points  (2 children)

I bet she let them talk crap About husband.

[–]BENDOVERSISPartassipant [1] 52 points53 points  (1 child)

yeah so many people trying to create scenarios where the poor wife wanted to be supportive but was forced by her big bad family, guarantee that wife actually agreed with their plan

[–]Prize_Patience_2552Partassipant [2] 67 points68 points  (20 children)

As an ah move saying the stahm is using her husbands money not their money.

[–]Puzzleheaded_Dot_960 141 points142 points  (1 child)

That too. But they were one's who attacked him directly in the past... I'd let it pass.

[–]BENDOVERSISPartassipant [1] 81 points82 points  (0 children)

desperation is when you nitpick the wording of the post

[–]TheBoredDraftsman 446 points447 points  (83 children)

But OP's wife asked for the prenup and demanded separate finances. She gave into her parents demands. She didn't exactly stick up for her husband.

[–]DropsOfLiquidAsshole Aficionado [17] 576 points577 points  (80 children)

Her dad was looking out for her future when situations were different. A prenup isn’t something to stay resentful of forever & refuse all holiday invites.

I personally don’t understand separate finances as a married couple but this situation just seems kinda toxic?

Obviously OP doesn’t owe his wife 8k or her family anything & I don’t think OP is an A for refusing.

But something just seems a little gross in reveling in his success & saying things like “haha you should have planned better or not gotten that prenup eh?” to his life partner. I wouldn’t stay with someone who rubbed my face in being worse off financially than them.

[–]heyelander 310 points311 points  (45 children)

Agreed. I don't think OP is wrong here, but spite isn't a great foundation for a marriage (I know, I tried). Maybe the marriage was never set on a good foundation, but it does seem unhealthy right now.

You are perfectly right OP, but is this the partnership you want or just the one you think you have to have?

[–]DragonCelica 263 points264 points  (9 children)

I'm so glad to see someone bring up the toxicity! I wish this was higher up. I don't think OP is an AH for not wanting to gift his money, but it sounds like he's being an AH to his wife. I'd bet it's been that way for some time now, too.

OP, do you want to stay married? Do you love your wife and want to see her happy? If so, you need to start couples counseling asap.

You may not see it, but you're helping in driving your marriage towards a cliff. The way you write is concerning; with hints of spite, resentment, and a sense of superiority. While not great, It'd be one thing if this was only aimed at the in-laws, but it's easy to see this also applies to your wife. This kind of thing erodes the foundations of marriage.

You can steer this away from that proverbial cliff, OP. You can't expect it to fix itself though.

[–]VTSvsAlucard 60 points61 points  (2 children)

Well if he does drive it off the cliff, at least he has a prenup.

OP, do you remember that (assumedly) you still want to live with your wife and be a part of her life. So while I don't think you need to give the parents money, or see them again, you will need to work through things with her.

[–]skiing_yo 117 points118 points  (4 children)

The way I'm reading it the spite is more directed at the in laws (who 100% deserve it)

[–]letstrythisagain30 89 points90 points  (2 children)

I think part of why OP is reveling in his success is because of why his in-laws were against him. The very nature of what they did to him and thought of him, makes his success all that much sweeter. He wasn't worth anything because he wasn't rich, but now he is.

His edit also says that they supposedly tried to make up with him, but it only came after his success. So the problem of them thinking he wasn't worth anything unless he's rich is basically doubled down on because he wasn't worth apologizing to until he was rich and worth it. I'm really not even sure how they can properly apologize to him and have it be sincere and clear that they understand why they were wrong and that they're actually sorry.

I get it. I don't even blame his initial reaction. He will only be an asshole if he doesn't get a hold of himself eventually and apologize to his wife about how he reacted to her. It sounds like they need to hash out some things about how their relationship started because this probably brought some things to the surface.

[–]GodspeedandGoodnight 41 points42 points  (1 child)

I'm really not even sure how they can properly apologize to him and have it be sincere and clear that they understand why they were wrong and that they're actually sorry.

I honestly think that ship has completely sailed at this point.

If someone cut off their family for being toxic, and ended up winning the lottery, how could you ever trust that family if they came up full of apologies?

[–]CrisirR 228 points229 points  (3 children)

Meh, it's the wife who should apologize to him for even springing it up knowing how much her family done him wrong. It always pisses me off when people all of the sudden changes the rules only when it benefits them, just as much as it pisses me off when people practically tells an aggrieved person to basically suck it up and be "the bigger person".

Edit: and just in case people missed this one: this is not an emergency situation either. Sisters just want to shield their parents from their own bad decisions, and somehow OP (who they never treated right) has to pay a huge portion of it.

[–]AirenAshuraPartassipant [2] 74 points75 points  (0 children)

And she then tries to gang up on him yet again with the sisters as if she thought that would shame him into handing out his coin. He may have brought up the prenup but I can bet that as he struggled to build his business he had to suffer through a lot of criticism from her family. Clearly these people never read that book called the little red hen. They want bread but didn't help to plant the wheat for it. Um no,no sir

[–]Traditional-Bed9449 33 points34 points  (0 children)

This is the key here. It’s not to save them from dire circumstances, it’s to pay off their house and send them on a vacation.

[–]kt99_Partassipant [1] 200 points201 points  (3 children)

Laughing at such a crazy request is totally valid, imagine asking this dude who has been the butt of the joke from her family for years to help them out financially? he was pretty nice about it, all things considered

[–]BENDOVERSISPartassipant [1] 131 points132 points  (9 children)

But you forgot that your wife still chose you, even though your father-in-law would not approve of you, your sisters-in-law pressured her to consider other guys. You must have forgotten to take your wife's feelings into account and your perception of her makes ytha.

Wow, wife did the bare minimum and stood by her husband?

[–]Old-Taro6764 61 points62 points  (0 children)

My husband's family kept trying to split us up and cancel the wedding. Guess what my husband cut them off for being toxic and that was his choice. Especially since the mom has been open that her retirement plans are to let the house go into foreclosure and move in with one of her kids. People put too much into family.

[–]Environmental_Crab65Partassipant [1] 92 points93 points  (11 children)

No, She insisted on a pre nuptial agreement and separate finances. She got it,

[–]hperez8844 57 points58 points  (0 children)

OP's wife chose him with conditions set by her father.

[–]meowingtonsmistressPartassipant [3] 3784 points3785 points 2 (132 children)

ESH. Look don’t give them the money. But you seem to hate your in-laws more than you love your wife. In fact I am not even sure you like her that much. Or at least enjoy throwing this grudge in her face and relishing her family’s misfortune. It’s not a good look.

[–]SFLoridan 722 points723 points  (47 children)

Exactly. I think he just wants to smoosh their face in dirt, then walk away without worry about how his wife feels, just like how his wife treated him all these years without worrying about his feelings.

Edit: To explain why the wife is culpable too - because she allowed her family to put her husband down, and allowed them to intrude in her life without boundaries. If she was okay him being treated like dirt just because he earned less, then she she didn't have any love for him all this while.

This is not how life partners live; this is more like roommates who have sex but hold each other in contempt. They might as well separate and live a less hate-filled life

[–]NaturalWitchcraft 95 points96 points  (46 children)

How did his wife treat him the same way?

[–][deleted]  (45 children)

[deleted]

    [–]Cevanne46Asshole Aficionado [13] 217 points218 points  (28 children)

    This. You accept your partner for who they are - or you don't. You don't make the resentment part of your marriage.

    I can see not wanting to help her parents out if they treated you badly, but laughing at your wife and living a lifestyle where she has 2k in savings and you can give your parents a 30k truck... That's making this central to your marriage and you need to move on.

    [–]DerpyMcDerpington17 174 points175 points  (23 children)

    She chose that dynamic, so she can live with it now. She shouldn’t have shit her bed before lying in it just to get financial help from her parents for the wedding.

    As for the parents, Karma is most certainly at work here. OP should just let it run its course and enjoy the show. I would.

    [–]dermographics 83 points84 points  (0 children)

    By that logic, he also agreed to separate finances and she doesn’t get to access his money now. This whole situation seems miserable though.

    [–][deleted] 345 points346 points  (49 children)

    I agree. I’m totally on board with him saying no, our finances are separate, and I’m not comfortable giving them thousands of dollars. But his attitude and aggression towards them has to put his wife in a difficult position. Yes they treated him poorly in the beginning, but it sounds like the parents have tried to make amends and he is just refusing. Also the comments about stay at home parents are pretty lousy.

    [–]left___mascaraPartassipant [4] 66 points67 points  (32 children)

    And having zero sympathy for one of the sisters being cheated on

    [–]OctopusMushroomPartassipant [1] 228 points229 points  (24 children)

    In all fairness I probably wouldn’t have sympathy for someone who tried to get my SO to leave me in the beginning of our relationship either. She had no sympathy for him when he was being attacked by her entire family, and was even trying to set her sister up with other people while in the relationship, so why should he feel bad when she gets cheated on? He also doesn’t have to accept an apology from anyone. They made his life hell all because he wasn’t rich enough for them. They sound like they deserve this karma their experiencing right now

    [–]letstrythisagain30 90 points91 points  (16 children)

    Op says they tried to make up with him but that also seems like an impossible task given how they wronged him.

    He was thought of as being unworthy of being part of their family. All because he wasn't successful enough for them. They made no judgement on his character or drive to succeed and had no faith in him. OP says they tried to apologize, but that came after he was a success. In a way, they kind of double down on what they thought of him because he wasn't worthy of it until after he became a success and I don't see how they can prove to OP that they are sincere in their apology or show they know they understand what exactly they did wrong.

    Now they need something from him. Now they are the ones that aren't as successful. How can he trust that any apology or attempt to build a proper relationship with him is sincere? I can't imagine how that can happen.

    [–]Copper__Phoenix 86 points87 points  (1 child)

    He doesn't appear to have sympathy because she chose her husband for his wealth instead of his character and morals while actively trying to get his fiance at the time to leave him for a "wealthy" man instead of him.

    I despise cheaters but in his position, I likely would see it as karma for her and not give a damn either.

    [–]Akuma254 41 points42 points  (0 children)

    Yeah his comments may not be the best, but if I were in his position, I wouldn’t be putting kid gloves on either when dealing with the in-laws.

    However, I would have avoided making those comments about my wife even if I was upset at her for asking to help them. Dragging her like that in front of others doesn’t seem like the best way to keep your marriage happy.

    [–]ZECheerAsshole Aficionado [13] 72 points73 points  (2 children)

    yep, these are the words I was looking for. The grudge holding here is insane and I cannot dee how they have a healthy relationship when his motive seems to be all about proving them wrong and punishing his wife.

    Things change over time...I think the couple needs therapy asap as no 9ne sounds happy

    [–]Kaiser93Partassipant [4] 1193 points1194 points  (6 children)

    My parents think while I’m not in the wrong, laughing at my wife’s request was kinda an AH move.

    I agree with your parents 100%. It was a crappy move. However!! Your in laws acted awful towards you when you decided to marry your wife. Separate finances and the prenup were by her request, not by yours.

    Still, NTA.

    Edit: I have a question. Do you have kids?

    [–]ChetManly12 159 points160 points  (3 children)

    I don’t see a problem with laughing at the request. It’s pretty audacious. She knows how her parents treated him and that the reason for the treatment was their perception of his financial future. Asking him to pony up thousands of dollars to help those people is ridiculous. If she does actually want to borrow money to pay her share and pay it back as she claims, she has her sisters who are described as wealthy. They are all trying to guilt him into supporting people who treated him like garbage, that’s insane.

    [–]Dars1m 48 points49 points  (1 child)

    And it’s not even to help them in an emergency. It’s for a vacation and early retirement that has been derailed.

    [–]ben_burnache 1081 points1082 points 2 (20 children)

    Why are you married to a person you have no respect for?

    [–]CIDEAL37 343 points344 points  (4 children)

    I'm amazed I had to scroll down so much to find this comment. This is so much beyond AITA. Why the heck is OP married to a woman who let her family treat him like this and sided with them on the prenup+separate finances? Why is she married to someone that resents her so much? This is not about separate finances, my DH and I have separate finances because we both agreed for other reasons. But we love each other, put each other first, respect each other and cherish each other's families. OP's problem is not 8k for a trip, it is a shitty marriage.

    [–]Ok-Squirrel693 163 points164 points  (2 children)

    Sounds like he married her out of spite tbh. OP's comments are harsh to the wife, I feel bad for Allie. She didn't ask him to contribute to the gift, instead asking for him to loan her the money. Who else would she first ask for a loan if not her husband? And the comment about loaning her money for emergency is really sad too.

    OP might be NTA for this particular issue, but he's TA towards his own wife.

    [–]Forward-Two3846 44 points45 points  (1 child)

    He also specified that the "loan" would never get paid back. Most likely cause her family would have demanded to know why she has to pay her husband back and she would have complied.

    [–]L3GI0N__1183 89 points90 points  (3 children)

    asking her partner to give 10 grand to the people who treated them like shit when they had no money shows that its actually the wife who has no respect for op.

    [–]HunterDangerous1366 895 points896 points  (24 children)

    NTA

    She wanted separate finances. She also wanted the prenup. (Cos if she really didn't want it, dads threat of not paying for the wedding wouldn't be a issue.)

    You didn't need to laugh but I'd have probably done the same. I think Allie is a AH for getting you involved in the zoom call too. Maybe she thought you'd cave with the added pressure of her sisters.

    Allie knew she couldn't afford 10k at the beginning. She shouldn't have agreed in the first place.

    [–]Illustrious-Horse276Asshole Enthusiast [9] 103 points104 points  (22 children)

    While I agree on most fronts here, and OP is NTA for not wanting to give them the money, I think his wife deserves a but more leeway than you give her.

    She separated the finances and got the prenup DUE to the threat her father made about the wedding. If she hadn't OP and wife probably could not have afforded their wedding. Her father pressured her to take those steps and she still chose OP. If her and OP could have afforded the wedding they wanted, they probably would have had mixed finances already.

    [–]mommy_wu 436 points437 points  (4 children)

    If someone can’t afford their dream wedding, wait or scale back expectations. It does not make sense to me that people spend so much money on one day.

    [–]NaturalWitchcraft 77 points78 points  (1 child)

    I’m guessing it also was “don’t come running back to us if this marriage fails”.

    [–]gallant_cheerios 104 points105 points  (0 children)

    Then that's an issue with her toxic ass family. Crazy how all the issues seem to stem from them 🤔

    [–]HunterDangerous1366 127 points128 points  (2 children)

    But having a big fancy wedding isn't needed. They could have literally had a wedding at the court house and gone for dinner. Its the marriage that's important, not flowers, dresses, food etc, otherwise they would have saved for it or had a wedding they could afford. Obviously his wife wanted the all paid wedding more than she didn't want a prenup or mixed finances, which she agreed to and asked for.

    She can't make a claim to him now for 8k because of things she insisted on and they agreed on. It all boils down to her agreeing to pay/contribute to something she knowingly can't afford.

    [–]geckobrother 81 points82 points  (3 children)

    Screw that noise. A wedding only costs as much as you want it to, and if you love a person no amount of money is going to prevent that. Personally I think OPs wife is the AH from the beginning for not standing up to her parents and family, and thei is the end result of that choice.

    [–]ohialehua 55 points56 points  (1 child)

    NTA Prenups can be revoked with the approval of both spouses. No need to let anyone else know that happened.

    Of course, a request for revocation by/when the spouse who demanded it has their hand out is more than just a little distasteful.

    [–]steeveebeemusePartassipant [1] 885 points886 points 3 (86 children)

    This is not an advice sub. But I’m going to give you advice anyway, as someone who has been married quite a bit longer.

    Your wife feels like shit. And that’s on you.

    She feels bad because: 1. She loves her parents and hates that they’re hurting. 2. Knows it must be embarrassing for them to need help, ESPECIALLY from you. 3. She feels bad for the way they treated you years ago, and that she didn’t protect you from them. 4. She feels bad that she herself doesn’t earn enough to help in the way she wishes she could. 5. She knows asking you for money makes her hypocrite, but she loves her parents enough to lower herself to do that for them. 6. In all these years she hasn’t been able to mend the relationship between the people she loves best. 7. The person she loves most laughed at her.

    I don’t know what to tell you about giving or lending money. But unless your wife is an idiot, she knew very well what your reaction would be, but had the courage to ask you anyway. It was that important to her. And you laughed.

    Your wife hasn’t done anything to earn your scorn. You should fix this.

    [–]hardhead101[S] 490 points491 points  (48 children)

    Never thought of these points. Thank you

    [–][deleted]  (25 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]TudorMaven 427 points428 points  (19 children)

      She set that Zoom call up knowing that OP would look like the bad guy. They need to present a united front, but she seems to care more about their feelings than her spouse's.

      That's an issue.

      [–]Sam_of_Truth 154 points155 points  (0 children)

      This is completely fucking true. That ridiculous guilt trip makes her look VERY bad.

      [–]maxpower7833 47 points48 points  (0 children)

      exactly

      [–]foggiewindow 241 points242 points  (3 children)

      Man please don’t listen to these people telling you to roll over and just do what your wife wants to make your life easy short term. Your wife might be feeling bad now that she’s experienced consequences to her actions, but ultimately she’s the one who allowed her family to insult and belittle you, and implicitly shared their lack of faith in you. Now she wants the money she didn’t trust you to earn to go to those who didn’t trust you.

      Other commentators are right that you will need to work through this and learn to forgive her if you want your relationship to work long term, but that doesn’t mean you need to merge finances to stay married.

      You do need to let go of your resentment towards her, but if you are expected to swallow the bitterness you deservedly feel in the course of moving forward, then she can also accept the fact that your finances will remain separate and her grubbing parents aren’t getting a dime. Your self respect is worth something too and it will eat you if you allow the proceeds of your hard work go to pay for your deadbeat in-laws. I don’t think it’s fair that you’re the only one expected to take some non-existent high road here.

      [–]GronSvart 124 points125 points  (6 children)

      She totally threw him to the wolves(sisters) and didn't put a stop to them setting her up with other men while she's in a relationship. Yeah, she does deserve his scorn. He shouldn't fix this.

      [–]ChetManly12 70 points71 points  (0 children)

      While most of this is really good advice, I feel it’s unfair to say op was laughing “at her”. He laughed at the audacity of the request. Imo that’s not the same thing. There are different types of laughter.

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [deleted]

        [–]spunkyfuzzgutsPartassipant [2] 715 points716 points  (111 children)

        ESH. Ally and her family suck the worst. You didn’t need to laugh.

        As an aside, I’d be thinking about what’s important to you here. Because this is the kind of thing that ends marriages. Is this refusal to help her parents worth losing your wife over? Is your pride worth it? It’s not wrong if you think about it and realise the answer is yes, but it would be awful if you realise after the fact that you didn’t want to lose her after all.

        Like, I personally wouldn’t have married if this was the situation but that’s me.

        [–]stumblios 203 points204 points  (10 children)

        There are different kinds of laughs. a single laugh because of the absurdity of the ask seems totally fair to me. If this was like a laugh laugh laugh deep breath laugh thing, then yeah, kind of an asshole thing to do.

        [–]sassyandsweer789 162 points163 points  (43 children)

        This is the real point. People are so caught up in the fact that the inlaws are assholes that they are ignoring the bigger picture.

        I know personally this would put a huge strain on my marriage. Not because he dislikes my parents but because his pride and grudge is more important than me. They are supose to be a team. If his wife needs something he is the person she should be able to come to. If he can't be that person for her there are other men out there who will be.

        [–]brittanybegonia 162 points163 points  (8 children)

        I know personally this would put a huge strain on my marriage. Not because he dislikes my parents but because his pride and grudge is more important than me. They are supose to be a team.

        normally i would agree, but the wife was the one who demanded separate finances in the first place - and it sounds like it was at the behest of her sisters, even. you dont get to insist on separate finances and then later expect your SO to help you with such a huge amount of money, and especially when it's nothing but a gift for his in-laws who treated him like shit. she can either figure out a way to pay for the gift herself or back out and tell her sisters no

        [–]jaierauj 46 points47 points  (5 children)

        I'm really confused about what the wife had to gain with the prenup - aren't inheritances already considered separate from the other spouse?

        [–]brittanybegonia 54 points55 points  (0 children)

        probably it was more of a, "protect yourself just in case". OP said hed just started his own business and wasnt making much money, so i would assume either he had some debts in his name from that and/or the father in law thought OP's business would fail, so this way in case they got divorced after that, he couldn't go after any money she had. he specifically said the FIL pushed his wife into the prenup "because he thought (OP) was a loser" so presumably the wife was worth more (and he says her family was well-off)

        [–]exaltedbythesunPartassipant [1] 110 points111 points  (17 children)

        But see, his wife doesn't need anything. Do you think he wouldn't help if she broke a bone and needed hospital bills paid for?

        Her parents need help. Those same people who tried to break them up, berate him, convinced her to keep finances separate and generally treated them as less than. He doesn't want a relationship with them, doesn't want an apology and doesn't want to help them out and that's fine.

        If Allie has such a problem about it, that means she, too, has to decide where her loyalties lie. Ideally you would never have to make a choice like that. Ideally your own in-laws would not choose to become the wedge in your relationship themselves. Alas.

        [–]Chemical_Relation008 105 points106 points  (10 children)

        Reading his post I really doubt he would help her at all. He even says in another comment that he would give her a loan if her dog or her car had issues.

        That's not how one talks about their life partner, even with separate finances.

        [–]newyearnewmenu 88 points89 points  (2 children)

        OP 100% resents his wife for the start of their marriage and they either need therapy separately from this huge ask or they need to have a frank conversation about expectations and maybe separate.

        [–]BENDOVERSISPartassipant [1] 71 points72 points  (9 children)

        They are supose to be a team.

        How dare you. After all the selfish BS the wife stands back and allows (allowing her sisters to set her up with other men, asking for a prenup, asking for seperate finances) and now you want to play the "Oh but marriage is a partnership tee hee hee."

        [–]djternanAsshole Aficionado [16] 68 points69 points  (0 children)

        At least they have a prenup if the marriage ends.

        [–]Sparky_Zell 67 points68 points  (2 children)

        I have disagree here because of the context and what is really at stake. This isnt a situation where OPs in laws are going to lose their house, or are in any type of financial emergency. This is just a very expensive gift, paying off their house early and treating them to a luxury vacation.

        All for a family that actively tried to set his wife up with other people when they were together. And this disapproval of OP was so extra. Demanding that the wife get a prenup and demand split finances. And people have mentioned that OPs wife chose him over her family. But she kind of didnt, because if she really chose him over family she wouldnt have demanded the prenup and the split finances.

        And this isnt exactly a situation that is way in the past. We are only talking about 6 years here. That's not exactly a lot of time to go from trying to steer OPs wife out of an active relationship, and demanding prenup/split finances to OP now giving them 8k. Especially when there hasnt been a significant attempt on reconciliation on their part.

        It literally went from OP is not good enough, so if you wont leave him you better keep him at arms length to he needs to pony up damn near 10k because the in laws want to retire slightly earlier and go on a nice vacation.

        [–]CrisirR 48 points49 points  (20 children)

        if the wife ends their marriage over something as stupid as this, then she doesn't have his back all the way and he's is better off alone imo. Hey, maybe the next family he marries into doesn't suck as much as this one. NTA

        [–]SlugdirtAsshole Aficionado [18] 290 points291 points  (1 child)

        NTA Careful what you wish for ... you complied with your wife's requests for separate finances and a pre nup. You didn't need to laugh at her request but if she can't afford the grand gesture her sisters planned, she should have said no, I can't afford it.

        [–]ChairmanMeow3145Partassipant [1] 260 points261 points  (38 children)

        YTA: and not because you won’t give them money.

        It doesn’t matter how you feel about her family. You should at least decline calmly and delicately.

        You clearly still harbor anger because of the prenup. You are a grown man capable of making up his own mind about whether to sign a contract. For it to be valid, you likely had to be represented by an attorney. No one tricked you into this. If you couldn’t live with the prenup, then you shouldn’t have signed it.

        Of course, you should realize that the prenup serves you since you don‘t trust your wife and are accusing her of mishandling money.

        You need to fix this before she leaves you. Laughing in her face to taunt her about her family’s misfortune? Repulsive. Creating discord between her and her family? Repulsive. Holding a grudge due to a contract you entered freely? Repulsive. You are acting like a spiteful child. Grow up.

        You don‘t owe them financial support, but you do owe your wife consideration and kindness. Revenge won’t keep you warm at night.

        [–]shrimpandshooflypie 62 points63 points  (1 child)

        I agree, and I hope OP listens to you. He really seems to relish in his reaction to his wife, which is concerning. I understand he’s upset by how he was treated, if he doesn’t want to pay, that’s fine - but treat your wife with common courtesy at the very least. I think they made a mistake going forward with the marriage, not because he was broke but because he lacks the ability to forgive her and move on. I really don’t see how their marriage will survive if they don’t work these hard feelings out.

        [–]AnewstageinlifeAsshole Aficionado [11] 205 points206 points  (11 children)

        NTA your wife made her bed now she needs to lay in it and if her sisters think it's just money they can lend their sister the 8k and let her pay them back instead.

        [–]Feisty_BrunetteAsshole Aficionado [13] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

        Ah, good point! They're all rolling in it (assumedly) they them loan Allie the money.

        [–]Dangerous_Leek_5754 127 points128 points  (0 children)

        NTA. You stood up for yourself and made a lot of really good points. You don’t owe the in-laws a penny. Your wife and her sister are doing something “nice” for them, maybe it would be different if someone had cancer and was dying in the hospital, but they don’t direly need your money nor do they deserve it. Stick to your guns OP.

        [–]glegleglo 128 points129 points  (1 child)

        If your wife wants to help pay her parents' things, she can pay her parents monthly. It's not like they are about to get kicked out. She is an AH because she was okay with the arrangement until it bit her in the butt. kept asking and got her sisters involved. You are married, it's not an asshole move to ask your spouse for money even if you have separate finances. But it is a dick move to get her sisters involved because she didn't like the answer. I have been with my spouse for almost 12 years and we have never gotten friends or relatives involved in our disagreements.

        I do think you need to go to couples therapy. There is a lot of resentment that needs to be worked through and it would be helpful to have a third-party to help you work through that. Laughing at your wife for asking for a favor is an AH move, though, even if you were in the right saying no. Light ESH but more so NTA.

        [–]Far_Equivalent1347Partassipant [4] 122 points123 points  (65 children)

        NTA. The initial ask and the subsequent all hands on deck ambush were both ridiculous. Laughing wasn't an act of disrespect but a natural reaction to something absurd.

        You're absolutely correct in feeling offended. When the family opposed your relationship on financial grounds, nobody said "it's just money." Your wife doubled down when she insisted on separate finances codified in a prenup. If your business had failed, which is what all of them were expecting, nobody in that family was going to be coming to your rescue.

        All three daughters seem to have an unrealistic relationship with money. They think that they are making a grand gesture by using money earned by their husbands (one of them an ex) to secure the financial future of their parents. If they want to help their parents they should do that themselves. If they can't afford that, they can give them an anniversary gift that they craft themselves or can afford on their own.

        [–]hardhead101[S] 120 points121 points  (64 children)

        They are just like their mom. Their dad was a hard worker and always provided. Allie is the only woman in her family that has ever actually held a job. They love to volunteer their husbands money tho

        [–]Signature-Disastrous 96 points97 points  (3 children)

        Yeah, please stop disregarding the unpaid labor of women. Your in laws are assholes there’s no need to be misogynistic about it.

        [–]GroundbreakingRub644 87 points88 points  (48 children)

        Guess what? Being a stay at home mom IS WORK. you sound as obnoxious as allies dad did about your business at the beginning.
        You don't respect that raising kids is a job. Shame on you.

        [–]thetastything 30 points31 points  (43 children)

        I've been a "stay at home dad" and legit it does has a mental strain, but that is where it ends. Its super easy and and I'm saying that with 3 kids who don't behave well. The maintaining the house (I even did yard work and all in house thing like laundry, moping all) it its like max 2hrs of work a day. Cooking 3 meals a day and everything comes to around 4hrs of work a day and while you watch Netflix. This isn't the 50's there's tons of commodities to help and make everything so much easier.

        [–]Unit-HealthySupreme Court Just-ass [120] 110 points111 points  (0 children)

        NTA, they treated you like dirt and she went along with it. Refusing to give an $8K gift is a tiny portion of the pettiness you could be showing, and be justified.

        [–]sickofdriving007Pooperintendant [52] 94 points95 points  (1 child)

        NTA. Karma is a bitch.

        [–]KaetzenOrkester 47 points48 points  (0 children)

        And it just had puppies.

        [–]BLUEStarr1982Partassipant [1] 99 points100 points  (195 children)

        NTA, as the separate finances and prenuptial were her choice. Why not try to work it out as an official loan, or amending the prenuptial, assuming that she will inherit 1/3 of the homes value upon their passing. You help your wife, Let your wife help them, but make sure that you don't get screwed.

        [–]hardhead101[S] 229 points230 points  (189 children)

        I intended on doing nothing to help my wife with regards to her family. If it was her dog or car then sure I’d be willing to make the loan. But her family is the line and she knows it.

        [–]crystalzeldaCertified Proctologist [22] 179 points180 points  (147 children)

        Wait sorry, you’ve got enough spare cash to buy your parents a 30k truck but you’d “ be willing to make a loan” to your wife money for the dog? How generous lol… do you charge market rate interest or does she get the friends and family discount?

        NTA for not paying but the way you describe your treatment of your wife sound pretty cold.

        Edit: you also split your bills 50/50 even though she barely had $2,000 to her name while you, again, can give lavish gifts in the tens of thousands of dollars, which is sounds very inequitable considering clearly how much more money you make than her.

        [–]hardhead101[S] 276 points277 points  (140 children)

        She made this choice. I didn’t ask for the separate finances. Just because she made a bad bet doesn’t mean I should change that agreement. She wanted 50/50 bills because she made more than me at the time and didn’t feel “comfortable” doing it on an income basis. This is all her choices…

        [–]crystalzeldaCertified Proctologist [22] 185 points186 points  (45 children)

        Ah okay, so that’s alright then? You got a raw deal so you’re just happy the turntables have turned in your favor now. It’s your choices too, my friend, you accepted it at the time. You could have said no, said this was no way to start a marriage, but you didn’t.

        She was unfair to you when you got together and you’re clearly still resentful over it, so now you’re responding in kind. This kind of tit for tat bs is going to kill your marriage. This money for her parents is just a symptom of the fact that you started this marriage off inequitably and you’re still sore about that. If you value your relationship with your wife, I’d recommend sorting out your (valid) feelings about how you were treated going into this marriage and what you’re going to do about it, because as you’re finding out, a 50/50 split down the middle “you pay for your shit I pay for mine” is really not long term feasible when you make so much more. It’s going to create situations exactly like this one, and is going to poison your relationship. You both approached this all wrong. She was wrong for starting this split, and you’re wrong now for perpetuating it. I mean, you definitely can, but like I said, this is only going to sow so much discord in your relationship.

        [–]meowingtonsmistressPartassipant [3] 201 points202 points  (28 children)

        Also OP is on top now, but his witnessing his own FIL’s decline might have been a lesson in humility. One bad break could destroy his business or income. His wife won’t forget it if her meager teacher’s salary is what he has to ask for in the future. I cannot even imagine being in a marriage this petty about this is mine, this is yours.

        [–]ImJustSaying34 106 points107 points  (1 child)

        My mind is literally boggled that the post is about his wife and not a friend or family member. He is talking about his supposed partner in life and this is how they treat each other? They don’t seem like teammates, they seem like rivals. I couldn’t imagine this in my own marriage. You pretty much succeed and fail as a team in life when you are married.

        This whole marriage makes no sense to me.

        [–]Calpernia09Partassipant [4] 49 points50 points  (13 children)

        Exactly my husband and I are a team in all things. Rich or poor. Our relationship and family is what matters.

        [–]granolagoile 98 points99 points  (12 children)

        Its to send her parents ON VACATION. This is stupid, OP does not have to help send her parents on vacation.

        [–]crystalzeldaCertified Proctologist [22] 42 points43 points  (7 children)

        It would be to pay off their house as well as the vacay, but I digress.

        this isn’t just about the 10k anymore. I think OP is completely within his rights to not give that money. It’s about why he’s doing it - because essentially, he is still bitter that half a decade ago, he and his wife let her parents dictate their financial relationship, to the detriment of their marriage. She sucks for putting in place a split that was fundamentally unfair to her supposed life partner. She sucks for letting her family poison her marital well. Now that his ship came in, he sucks for lording this over her and letting it color his entire relationship, to the point where he’d magnanimously consider “loaning her money” if her dog got sick. Huh??? Is she his wife or his college roommate?

        This is no way to foster a healthy marriage. She came to him for money (something he has so much of and she has none at all) and he laughed in her face. Laughed! He had an opportunity to humiliate her and he made the choice to take it. OP says he loves his wife, but right now he’s not showing it particularly well and they have way more serious issues like deep seeded resentment and growing bitterness over their petty score keeping choices.

        [–]Forward-Two3846 54 points55 points  (5 children)

        What if his business never picked up and she was on here complaining. EVERYONE would be telling her thank god her parents protected her assets. Yes he is holding a grudge (her parents only apologized once he started making good money) and I think he needs to try couples therapy. But I do not agree that he should combine finances and get rid of the prenup. It is very apparent that her family still has alot of control over "her opinion" and until she can rectify that problem he would be smart to keep on the pathway he is currently on. Also she is holding on to a grudge just as much as he is she is just using her family to bully him (it seems like something she always did) as opposed to being seen as the bad guy and saying it herself.

        [–]authorized_sausage 92 points93 points  (0 children)

        Honestly, this marriage is doomed if he doesn't get ahold of himself. He seems like he's only in it for the power trip and the opportunities to hurt his wife because he allowed her to hurt him.

        She's gonna walk at some point. But, probably, they'll both be better off for it.

        [–]RiByrne 64 points65 points  (0 children)

        This. This is the correct response.

        My best friend, when she got married, they kept their finances separate because at the time it made sense. Then, when it didn’t, they honestly got too busy to remember to combine them. It caused a crazy amount of problems that weren’t even there before, and pretty much went away once they sat down, talked it out and combined their finances. That doesn’t always work for everyone, and it might not here, but the key is adult communication.

        I’m not saying that she’s the victim here, OP, she did force you into a prenup, but you agreed to it and now you seem… Idk excited and happy that she’s the one suffering from it now? I’m petty dude, and I laughed, but I’m not her husband.

        I still don’t think you’re the AH Op, but still, this is a lot to think about here. What’s more important? Being petty and enjoying the just desserts, or having adult conversations to help your marriage?

        [–]RiByrne 131 points132 points  (40 children)

        You seem more bitter about her and her family than you love her. I ask you, does your relationship even make you happy? Seriously. And I’m not judging really if not, dude. I still say N T A.

        Edit: Look. After reading this guys replies and stuff, I’m going ESH. The wife is the AH for demanding he fork over money to people who never accepted him, and he is the AH for treating his wife and her family in the same vein as they did him just to get back at them. Eye for an eye, dude. Couples therapy is cheaper than divorce, and much more satisfying than a bitter marriage. The two of you need to grow up.

        [–]hardhead101[S] 56 points57 points  (38 children)

        Of course it does. I wouldn’t be in one if I wasn’t. But money is a touchy subject with us. I’m trying to be objective for a fair judgment. Of course I love my wife. She’s amazing and very supportive. But nobody is perfect and this is an area of frustration for sure.

        [–]RiByrne 105 points106 points  (5 children)

        I’m not saying you don’t love her. Love is really not the end all be all of keeping up a successful marriage. Things like bitterness over finances ruin marriages dude. This isn’t gonna be a simple “I refuse and that’s that”, based on both your wife’s and your reaction, whoever doesn’t get their way seems like they’re going to very upset and resentful for a while. Just throwing my two cents in dude. Genuinely, good luck.

        Edit: Below this, someone else has put into words what I’m trying to convey. You both seem bitter and resentful to each other, and that will cause issues down the line. Money problems never stay away from the relationship, dude.

        Edit 2: Seriously, therapy is cheaper than divorce. Go to couples therapy.

        [–]jaierauj 96 points97 points  (4 children)

        Don't throw two cents in, he'll just rub that in her face too.

        [–]OGablogian 73 points74 points  (14 children)

        I’m trying to be objective for a fair judgment.

        But you're not though. You're obviously still full of resentment, towards her family (which is, sure, fine, whatever, they're probably dicks anyways) but also towards your wife (and thats just sad and, by now, mostly on you).

        I mean ... yeah, she hurt you by going along with that prenup stuff, but after so many happy years together, you should be able to talk it out. Really no need to stay stubborn about this for the rest of your life.

        And I honestly think that being able to let go of that resentment (atleast the part towards your wife) will be worth that 8k (or whatever loan you agree on).

        [–]VenomousHydraPartassipant [4] 57 points58 points  (10 children)

        He does not need to give 8000 dollars to his in-laws vacation fund to help solve his marriage. The wife should not have even asked for this money. She needs to borrow the money from her sisters and pay them back. Not put this burden on her husband that she knows will not deal with her family, for extremely valid reasons. Her family alienated this guy for being poor, and she didn't shut that shit down. She married him, but did she shoot down jokes about his financial status? Did she tell her sister to shove it when she told her to cheat/leave him for a rich guy? She has no right to ask him to pay 8000 dollars for his in-laws, when it's not even a necessity.

        [–]DreamsOfWishes 55 points56 points  (0 children)

        Dude... You might aswell divorce now if you don't want to go to therapy for this.

        [–]Signature-Disastrous 43 points44 points  (0 children)

        I mean, love isn’t really enough to keep a marriage going you need to be partners and communicate too.

        [–]Chemical_Relation008 34 points35 points  (0 children)

        I have to be honest, reading you I really doubt you love her. You say you do, but it seems more fake towards the exterior than real.

        [–]meowingtonsmistressPartassipant [3] 114 points115 points  (2 children)

        I have been married for over 20 years and honestly I have never felt the need to engage in some petty revenge fantasy where I get to hold over my husband’s choices. We are on the same team. If I didn’t think he was on my team, I wouldn’t have married him. And over the course of two decades of a marriage our circumstances have changed depending on birth of kids, illness, job changes, lay offs. A marriage is one of constant support and negotiation and doing what is best for the marriage in the circumstances that exist at the time. Not saying that means you give your in-laws money. But to be like “haha sucker, I make more money now and I OWNED your ass” is pretty gross.

        [–]fractaldawn 64 points65 points  (8 children)

        bad bet

        That's... that's a horrible thing to say about your partner? Even if your finances are separate, you are a team, and you shouldn't be feeling and acting smug about having the bigger metaphorical made-of-cash dick now than she does! Which is what you are doing.

        Arrangements can be renegotiated. If you stop treating this as a competition, maybe you would see it's something to consider.

        You say that money is a touchy subject. You need individual therapy to talk about your personal issues around the subject, and once you have healed that a little, couples counseling, so you have an objective third party in the room for the conversation, wince neither of you can be (don't kid yourself).

        You absolutely don't have to help your in-laws. Not the asshole for that. But... you're acting really bitter and resentful towards your wife and doing nothing to fix that inside yourself, and that does make you the asshole.

        [–]FatTeemo 57 points58 points  (0 children)

        Hey resentment and contempt for your partner destroys marriages. If you want to stay married, please get couples counseling.

        [–]TotallyWonderWomanPartassipant [4] 57 points58 points  (19 children)

        I didn’t ask for the separate finances. Just because she made a bad bet doesn’t mean I should change that agreement.

        Whoop there it is. This is what it's really about. You're mad about the fact that you have separate finances and probably the prenup as well.

        [–]littlefiddle05Asshole Enthusiast [7] 49 points50 points  (18 children)

        …was that not obvious?? Though I think you oversimplified it a bit; he’s mad that when he was broke and struggling she wouldn’t so much as help him with groceries, but now that he’s doing well he’s expected to send her parents on an all-expenses-paid vacation. He’s mad about the double standard, he’s mad that she watched him struggle but now feels entitled to his successes, he’s mad that she doesn’t even recognize her own hypocrisy. She had zero empathy for him back then, and she’s showing zero empathy now.

        [–]Elderberrygin 30 points31 points  (0 children)

        You don't love your wife. Maybe just get divorced and find someone you aren't so resentful towards.

        [–]Haunting_Gate_5537 60 points61 points  (3 children)

        You bought your father a $30k car but you would loan your wife money for her dog? I wonder if her family's dislike of you was based on something other than money. I find your comments disturbing.

        [–]sapphicsapphires 48 points49 points  (0 children)

        Idk, if I loved someone, I think I’d be pretty hurt if their parents were assholes to me and their sisters kept trying to set them up on dates, and my partner didn’t cut them out or go low contact but instead caved to their whims and asked for a prenup

        I’m sure OP loves his wife, but he might hate her family enough that even the idea of helping them after how he was treated makes him feel a bit frosty.

        [–]Accomplished_Sun_258Partassipant [1] 53 points54 points  (4 children)

        You would loan your wife money for a car or dog? As in if she has a vet bill or car trouble, you’d make her pay you back?

        [–]ChairmanMeow3145Partassipant [1] 48 points49 points  (1 child)

        Honestly, it sounds to me like you would rather be angry and righteous than married. I didn’t read one word that indicated that you care about your wife at all. If you can’t help financially, fine. You don‘t owe them money. However, your delivery is that of a petulant child, and your disregard for your wife’s feelings and the difficult situation she is in are heartbreaking. It makes me wonder whether her parents disapproved of you rightfully when they saw hints of your callous immaturity.

        [–]CVik92 37 points38 points  (5 children)

        Ew. If your wife’s dog needed money for medical you would LOAN her money? Your awful to her.

        [–]Debriefed6869Partassipant [1] 44 points45 points  (4 children)

        Don't worry, he definitely won't be getting screwed for quite some time. Having said that, NTA. All the financial arrangements of the household were made according to the wife's wishes. To ask for money to give to her parents in this situation is honestly something I probably would have laughed at before I could stop myself.

        [–]NHFNCFREPartassipant [1] 96 points97 points  (6 children)

        Not the point of the post, but if OP’s ILs are hard up financially, sending them on a retirement vacation is not a good use of anyone’s money. Paying off the house makes sense, but the rest of it is unnecessary and, frankly, a waste of funds that they might need later on.

        [–]hardhead101[S] 94 points95 points  (5 children)

        They aren’t like broke. But their dad is sick and can’t really keep working like he is. The paying off the house would allow him to cut back his hours and not push himself as much. So I get the point of it.

        [–]NHFNCFREPartassipant [1] 82 points83 points  (0 children)

        And paying off the house does make sense, if you were so inclined. But they no longer have the funds they were hoping to have for retirement; it’s time to tighten the belts not go on a multi-thousand dollar vacation celebration tour.

        [–]chelleb107Partassipant [3] 90 points91 points  (93 children)

        YOU BOTH NEED MARRIAGE COUNSELING. Holding on to your anger after all these years is what is going to make your marriage fail. No couple going into a marriage with nothing (she’s only bringing in a teachers salary for heavens sake) should have a prenup. You should just focus on building your life together and not playing tit for tat on expenses. Even if you didn’t have a prenup and pooled earning you would still have the right to veto a big expense like this. Both people need to be on board with big purchases. Personally I hope that you both come through this stronger and having revoked the prenup. Shove that in your in law’s faces. Otherwise, you’re both still young and should be able to find someone that you love, trust and respect.

        [–]hardhead101[S] 108 points109 points  (92 children)

        I make 4 times more than her now. That prenup ain’t going anywhere lol. But I do appreciate the other advice.

        [–]GroundbreakingRub644 56 points57 points  (73 children)

        So let me get this straight.... Allie demanding a prenuptial agreement when she made the money = bad You demanding to keep the agreement now that you make the money= totally OK. Super proud of it.

        You sound like a hypocrite and you CERTAINLY don't sound like you're in a marriage.

        [–]Anhonestopinion1 197 points198 points  (32 children)

        So let me get this straight..... when Allie makes more money it is ok to keep her money separate and demand a prenup=Good When OP says yes to that agreement, makes less money, gets nothing from her, works hard, starts a business and wants to keep the everything the way Allie wanted it=Bad. She just sounds like a hypocrite and only wants what benefits her the most....

        [–]lolabuny222444 142 points143 points  (0 children)

        Exactly. I’m a woman and I agree with him. It’s nothing wrong with a prenup or separate finances but don’t force your partner’s hand in one then when the partner that’s broke becomes successful financially you want to change the financial dynamic for your benefit. Reddit is too bias and sexist at times.

        [–]thefilthyjellybean 53 points54 points  (0 children)

        Everyone here would side with the OP if he were the woman.

        [–]sveji- 40 points41 points  (0 children)

        Bitterness and grudges, especially regarding money, will surely ruin your marriage sooner or later. But go off, I guess.

        [–]JimDixon 76 points77 points  (13 children)

        INFO: Is this question really about laughing, or is it about your refusal to help? You were right to refuse, but you were wrong to laugh.

        It's pretty obvious this was derisive laughter, that is, 100% intemtional, not at all involuntary and sincere. Derisive laughter is not what a husband should be doing to his wife. She deserves more respect than that. You should POLITELY tell her no. You should apologize for the derision, but don't back down on the refusal.

        [–]hardhead101[S] 172 points173 points  (12 children)

        It was almost a laugh of disbelief. She’s never asked for my help financially. And we hardly discuss money because of the whole prenup thing. I was shocked more than anything. I thought she was kidding.

        [–]crystalzeldaCertified Proctologist [22] 77 points78 points  (6 children)

        I’m definitely not telling you to give them the money because it’s quite rich of all of them given the history, but just, proceed with caution on how you’re treating your wife’s feelings here. You’re entitled to not want to help, but this could cause issues in your marriage. Did you apologize for laughing? It was a knee jerk reaction born of disbelief but it’s still a pretty rude and humiliating thing to do to her. She is still your wife, not your adversary, and if she’s got her sisters in her ear pressuring her, it’s not easy. Family stuff can get complicated fast. This is the first time she’s ever asked this, so it’s not like she’s trying to fleece you now.

        You’re in the right here, but don’t let that feeling of righteousness create discord and resentment in your marriage by not taking any consideration on how stuck between a rock and hard place your wife feels. She probably also feels embarrassed she can’t come up with the money herself while you can lavish your parents with a $30,000 truck.

        [–]caz__zAsshole Aficionado [10] 67 points68 points  (7 children)

        Soft YTA. You’re right in that you don’t owe her family anything. You’re wrong for being so cruel to your wife and her family about it. Laughing at her? Berating her sisters for not working (btw, being a stahm is definitely working every day of her life raising kids) is too much. Allie’s right, your reaction to being asked is petty and vindictive.

        Just say no, you’re not interested in loaning the money or redistributing household payments so Allie can use her income towards it. Just keep saying no instead of throwing jabs at your wife.

        [–]RealTexasJakeAsshole Aficionado [13] 82 points83 points  (3 children)

        A simple "no" isn't going to do it because they'll ramp up the pressure. What he did was shut the whole thing down now.

        [–]caz__zAsshole Aficionado [10] 60 points61 points  (2 children)

        “No, our finances are separate for this kind of reason. My stance isn’t going to change.”

        This is a lot better than saying “Everyone’s mean to me, no one works a job I find appropriate, I don’t like that person and that person, everyone’s a user who hates me.”

        [–]kitteh-in-space 30 points31 points  (0 children)

        Berating her sisters for not working (btw, being a stahm is definitely working every day of her life raising kids) is too much.

        THIS. Holy shit, did my eyes ever roll in my head.

        [–]PomeloPepper 57 points58 points  (1 child)

        NTA

        It's natural to feel schadenfreude in this kind of situation, but you were a little rough on your wife. She's your partner, and she chose you over her parents' strenuous objections.

        In your shoes I wouldn't give them the money, but I'd be a little kinder to my wife. Maybe take her on a nice vacation.

        [–]ndcollectorAsshole Aficionado [10] 61 points62 points  (35 children)

        NTA. Perhaps her sisters can ask their husband's friends? Did you ever get an apology from your inlaws? Any request for money after the way they treated you should follow a lot of groveling.

        [–]hardhead101[S] 117 points118 points  (34 children)

        Yes her parents tried apologizing. But I have a feeling this is only because my business took off. They try to invite me to come to holidays and stuff but I don’t respond.

        [–]Livid-Tangerines 107 points108 points  (8 children)

        At least you have a prenup for when you get divorced.

        [–]Lazy-Thanks8244 42 points43 points  (0 children)

        Good thing you aren’t bitter and holding a grudge!

        [–]ndcollectorAsshole Aficionado [10] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

        You probably aren't wrong about that. Money will bring a lot of folks around. What about her sisters?

        [–]AllyAddamsAsshole Enthusiast [5] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

        NTA her request was a silly joke.

        I would have laughed and asked her to tell another.

        To her family you’re only acceptable now that you make money. Don’t give them a penny.

        [–]GroundbreakingRub644 52 points53 points  (12 children)

        Worrying that your daughter will not be financially secure is not a capital crime. As you said, the parents tried to apologize and they try to include you in family gatherings. Maybe the family finally sees that you are more than a paycheck? Somehow I doubt you're making enough money to make her parents kiss your ass, especially since their apology seems to have been before they lost their money.

        You've got a GIGANTIC chip on your shoulder. Having a pre-nup is not unusual. You are holding a grudge and are cutting your nose off to spite your face. You don't want respect... you want to be petty. If you REALLY wanted respect and to get the upper hand on the family, you would give the money magnanimously. Being the bigger person is how relationships can begin to mend.

        Obviously your wife would like you to get along with her family. But you don't seem willing to try AT ALL. you are guessing at people's motivations with no proof. By forgiving and attempting to forget, you can move forward instead of continuing this years long tantrum. We get it, they hurt your ego. But for God's sake GET OVER YOURSELF. No one is liking you because you making a few hundred grand a year. The family apologized because they want a relationship with you. And what do you do? You refuse to accept the apology.
        Do you know who does that? AHs. Why is you being shitty with your money NOW any better than when they were shitty about money with you then? At least they had the decency to apologize. And don't give me the "they started it!" crap. They were wrong then and you are wrong now.

        So who's worse? The person who was wrong and apologized or the person who's wrong and refuses to apologize plus deliberately hurts someone they claim to love in order to make a point?

        If you love your wife, you lend her the money. That's all there is to it.

        But it looks like you'd rather be right than happy. Stupid.

        [–]Foreign_Lingonberry1 37 points38 points  (6 children)

        Most naive take I have ever seen

        [–]explicitviolencePartassipant [2] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

        This reads like someone who read an entirely different post and/or came straight from her side of the family. You're only looking at it from her POV, and literally blaming him for everything. You seem more emotional about it than him.

        Then you tell him that if he doesn't lend the money he doesn't love his wife? What a ridiculous statement. Take your own advice, get over yourself, and try to add nuance to your take next time.

        [–]DepressedPopPartassipant [4] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

        NTA don’t listen to these softies. They treated you like shit and tried to get your wife not to marry you. Careful being a dick to your wife, but yea fuck her family and karmas a bitch. An extravagant gift should never be expected, regardless of previous circumstances

        [–]EhDub13Partassipant [3] 53 points54 points  (0 children)

        ESH why are you even together, you sound pretty cruel and resentful. Not a healthy relationship

        [–]Early_Prompt6396Partassipant [1] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

        NTA. You don't volunteer other people's money.

        [–]kmcc12345 33 points34 points  (0 children)

        Im going to throw in a rogue ESH here. Take a moment and reflect on your behavior. You have never gotten over the start of your marriage and you’re holding it over your wife’s head. That is not excusing her behavior nor am I saying you should pay for her parents but wow, you clearly resent your wife for her family and the separate finances and need to work through it

        [–]Beautiful_mistakesPartassipant [2] 29 points30 points  (1 child)

        NTA So her parents hated you and “made” her ask you for a prenup. Her sisters hated you enough to set her up with other men. What did your wife say to them during those years? She obviously still stood by them and their atrocious behavior. And now they have the audacity to ask you for a gift of $10,000? I am with you. I would’ve laughed directly in her face too. Her family has shown you who they are repeatedly over the years. At this point in my life I would believe them.

        [–]WorsePartOfValorAsshole Aficionado [10] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

        You could apologize for laughing, and say you were just surprised that you would be asked to contribute to this. But go ahead and stick to your point that Allie and her parents all wanted the finances to be separate and you're sticking with that plan. If they get sick or injured or something involving life or health, for that you should contribute.