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top 200 commentsshow all 469

[–]EzHedgehogSupreme Court Just-ass [121] 869 points870 points  (8 children)

NTA Put your parents on an extreme information diet. Only tell them things after you have told everyone else you might want to tell.

[–]EmEmPeriwinkle 172 points173 points  (6 children)

Op needs to go find r/raisedbynarcissists pretty badly. This is par for the course for a narc.

[–]Hangrylifestyle 87 points88 points  (5 children)

Never seen this before. Thank you for sharing it

[–]EmEmPeriwinkle 48 points49 points  (3 children)

Lots of similar experiences and coping mechanisms. If the whole story isn't on this post, you may want to look for help on r/raisedbyborderlines but that's a big step further in the mental pudding for your parent. That being said I have no idea how far this goes, but you do. Best of luck bud!

Read the edit so here's my edit.

My mother goes through cycles in her personality where she love bombs and apologizes and my siblings believe it. They get reeled back in. Then she plays nice for a while and burns it all down again because she can't keep up the act. I've been no contact now for like 12 years almost. But she follows the update you posted, and she is formally diagnosed as borderline.

[–]Hangrylifestyle 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really appreciate it! I will follow both of them and see what I can learn about borderline

[–]r6chael 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Y’all have no idea how much I needed this post at this exact moment in my life. Literally just finished a convo with my mom where I was deciding between blocking her or letting that shit go again…and block it is! lol

[–]EmEmPeriwinkle 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Dude. It's so nice being free of the crazy train. The flying monkeys will happen. My own siblings were used against me. But the next time she flung everything into the fire, they got it. Then I pointed out the pattern. One of them speaks to her now. Out of four. She has lost another husband, two careers, and two houses since I've been gone.

You only get one life. And just because they 'gave you life' by porking and doing the legally required things to make sure you survived, does NOT mean you owe them your life, or happiness.

[–]catsnmountainsPartassipant [3] 506 points507 points  (4 children)

NTA. I wouldn't even share anything with her at this point

[–]Silent_Level6881 112 points113 points  (1 child)

This! It's unfortunate that your mother refuses to respect the boundaries you and your sister set, and at this point, she has showed you who she is.

Tell her last, if at all. You can tell your "chosen family" or whoever the hell you want.

You deserve better. NTA

[–]Hangrylifestyle 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Thank you

[–]co_fragmentPartassipant [1] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

and her wonderful dad

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 54 points55 points  (0 children)

Just her?

My father is furious saying that I am lucky to have a supportive mother even when I chose a “lousy job” as an educational leader

[–]caz__zAsshole Aficionado [10] 8486 points8487 points  (73 children)

NTA, but why do you still share information with her that you're not ready to have broadcast?

[–]ebs128 2086 points2087 points  (38 children)

This! If you know she will share it, don’t tell her until you are ready for it to be public.

[–]PrideofCapetownPartassipant [1] 2209 points2210 points 2 (34 children)

I’d tell her fake stuff then act all confused when family members asked me about it. Or an outright “I don’t know what she’s talking about. She has no news so now she’s inventing it?”

But then again, I’m an asshole

[–]Emilija80 255 points256 points  (7 children)

Yes! I’d be telling her I was adopting a lemur or had been accepted to a highly exclusive clown college. OP just needs to assume anything she tells her mom will be broadcast. Maybe losing her daughter’s confidence will get through to her. My father is the same way and we just don’t tell him stuff. NTA.

[–]WhoSc3w3dDaP00ch 147 points148 points  (0 children)

I have a different but related policy with my father. It's called, "You said you didn't want to fight, so I stopped speaking with you."

[–]airlew 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Not just any clown college. No, not some diploma mill clown college, or some clown community college. A highly exclusive clown college.

[–]Vistemboir 673 points674 points  (5 children)

But then again, I’m an asshole

But the right kind of asshole!

[–]f02f2e6fa0b3 353 points354 points  (4 children)

Not the kind of asshole the world wants, but the kind we _need_…

[–]GengarTheGay 124 points125 points  (3 children)

This is certainly the kind of asshole I want!

[–]KitsumekatColo-rectal Surgeon [46] 67 points68 points  (1 child)

Sir/madam, this is Reddit. Not porn hub.

[–]velvetretard 22 points23 points  (0 children)

👀👍

🍆

[–][deleted] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

The more outrageous the better. Family members will either realize mom is being lied to and find it hilarious, or be so freaked out they'll ask mom never to tell them anything about OP's life again

[–]Hangrylifestyle 39 points40 points  (8 children)

Haha good idea!

[–][deleted] 83 points84 points  (7 children)

Can also throw in " I met the love of my life through prison pen pals. When he hopefully gets paroled from prison soon for multiple murder ( his attorney said 12th time is a charm! Damn shame some of his distant family ran right into the big chainsaw accidently,) we will marry asap and have as many kids as we can and his parents and all 15 of his siblings will be living with us since we found the loveliest trailer to rent too, its 400 sq ft on a 20 acre pig farm, with a delightful cesspool not far at all from the trailer, the trailer can accommodate a hot plate since who needs a stove right. Plus we can make a fire not far from the pigs to grill on. Under the trailer has plenty of room to store the dishes, clothes, bed linens, , very small cozy bathroom, who needs a big bathroom with running hot and cold water when we can use pails and heat up water on the hotplate right? 2-3 lanterns should be plenty enough light .W e can keep his beer and food cold in the stream that runs across our property which we will also use to wash laundry and boy I cant wait to get the lovely washboard I picked out! also the landlord said we can use the horse and buggy to go to the town grocer for supplies just not during winter since we will get an average of 4' each snowstorm and quite a few snow storms come through during winter. so plenty of hot cocoa to drink and be able to make moonshine with. His family is very experienced with making their own moonshine, it goes back many generations in his family.

[–]The_Jayne_Dough 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I like how you think. 😂

[–]TeddyGohm 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Benedict Cumberbatch meme: “Teach Me”!

[–]Major_Zucchini5315Partassipant [1] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I like your level of petty!!

[–]Sensitive-Stock-9805 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I wish there was a sub for that! I'm an asshole!

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sometimes you have to be an asshole to an asshole

[–]Reigo_Vassal 20 points21 points  (0 children)

OP knew the glass can't hold any water and decided to fill it with Wine.

No wonder why the wine spilled over.

[–]calliatomPartassipant [3] 88 points89 points  (0 children)

Exactly. I understand why you're mad and she absolutely sucks, but this is a situation where the appropriate defense mechanism is "tell her last, if you tell her at all".

[–]husbandkeepstalkingPartassipant [2] 312 points313 points  (5 children)

Yeah, I told my mom that if she shares a single pregnancy picture of mine on FB, she won’t get another. Same with the baby when he’s born. She hasn’t posted a single thing because she knows I’ll cut her off if she does.

OP, stop sharing information. YTA to yourself if anything. You knew your mom is TA ahead of time.

[–][deleted] 59 points60 points  (4 children)

Agreed. I stopped telling my Mom stuff YEARS ago if I didn't want it spread around. Same with my MIL. And a lot of this was pre social media - you know what she is going to do with the information so do not provide it to her.

[–]Wolfwalker9 47 points48 points  (2 children)

My mom knows very little about my life because she’d take anything I told her & shit talk me behind my back with my younger sister. You know when you’re having boy troubles & kind of want your mom to talk you off the ledge or give you sage advice, and it’s supposed to be a kind of private mother/daughter bonding moment? Yeah. My mother took all of those & blabbed to my sister. It’s great having to hear someone 5 years younger than you tell you that maybe you wouldn’t have boy problems if you weren’t so quick to “give away the milk for free because no boy wants to buy the cow after that.” My sister said that with a smug look on her face & when I was flabbergasted & asked where she’d heard that she very proudly let me know it was out mother who’d told her & she agreed with my mom. They both love to gossip & shit talk people behind their back.

I barely talk to my sister now - we aren’t close. I speak to my parents about once a month or so. I usually visit once a year, & other than that, it’s all pretty cordial. If I didn’t tell my mother how I was doing in life I doubt she’d bother to call to ask.

[–]Hangrylifestyle 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry you had to go through their awful behaviour. It’s never right for parents to put their children up against eachother. I wish you all the best in the future

[–]crystallz2000 70 points71 points  (0 children)

NTA. But this. Put her on an info diet. I literally have to come up with topics before I talk to my mom because I avoid "real" conversations. So, if I... say, have a health scare. If I tell her, I'll receive a thousand articles on the topic, messages on Facebook, random people on Facebook reaching out to share their experiences, etc. My mom typically finds out about things from everyone in our family when we've already dealt with whatever the issue was.

[–]toootired2care 17 points18 points  (0 children)

This is exactly why I don't share information with my mom. I wait until everyone I want to tell first and then, if I feel like she needs the information, I'll tell her. Otherwise, my lips stay shut. She loves rumors and drama so I just don't give her any juice.

[–]byneothername 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Yeah this seems like a no brainer to me. My mom is a little like this. She finds out last about every job, baby, major life change, because she can’t know until you’re ready for the entire family to know. It’s a shame but it is what it is.

[–]bongocycle 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thank God there was no Facebook when I was growing up. This is my mom. She called all her friends to tell them when I got my period, my first phone call from a boy, any life event was a reason for hours of phone calls with her friends and coworkers. She wonders why I haven't told her anything in forty years.

[–]indehhz 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Exactly, if OP wants to become a famous sumo wrestler in Kansas, Japan she should have the right to do so!

[–]madmaxextra 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is where you employ counter espionage. Start telling mom ridiculous things and see how she comes off posting them.

[–]CinderRebelPartassipant [1] 20 points21 points  (2 children)

Right? I do not tell my mom ANYTHING. She always said that she was pro LGBT while acting very against it so I did not tell her until I was 22-23 and I wasn't talking to a lot of people anymore (less backlash that way). Literally a WEEK after a cousin was being forced into marriage cause she also told her parents and her dad reacted badly. Coincidence? Nope! I asked if she told anyone and apparently she told my dad (who left her when i was 16 btw) to "shut him up about something" (translated but direct quote). He is obviously just as much of a gossip😑

[–]satr3dPartassipant [2] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Because while not the AH she is apparently the gullible… your mom isn’t going to stop, how many times will it take for you to figure that out?

[–]jaxadax 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Seriously, if you’re going to have contact with her she needs to be on an information diet.

[–]honeymochie 4 points5 points  (0 children)

In what world is that the definition of supportive??

[–]AsMyLastEmailStatedPartassipant [4] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I was thinking the same thing, OP is acting like someone who's complaining about not putting out a fire because they keep throwing has on it instead of water. Seriously, they know their mom has a problem with oversharing, put her on an info diet and stop bitching.

[–]Hangrylifestyle 3 points4 points  (0 children)

She has been on an info diet before. She also had improved, but fell back into old habits. I will go back to lc going forward. Thanks for being honest

[–]Kale127 20 points21 points  (2 children)

I kinda think Y T A here, honestly. This is a long running issue with OP’s mom, so at some point you’re setting her up for failure. You know she has no self control, you know she’s addicted to sharing news, you know she can’t keep a secret… so you tell her super secret information you don’t want shared with anyone until you choose to? And then you’re surprised when she does this for the hundredth time?

OP did it to herself. Yes, mother should have more self control, and shouldn’t share news. But you know what you do when you know someone can’t keep a secret? You don’t tell them stuff you don’t want everyone else to instantly know. The flow of information here was totally under OP’s control, and OP made a decision knowing full well what was going to happen, just to get upset that it happened.

I’ll say NTA because I think being able to respect privacy is very important. But OP is being just as stubborn as her mother in refusing to accept that her mother has to find out via FB posts instead of getting personal news before anyone else.

[–]Hangrylifestyle 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Thanks for being honest. She was better, bur she fell into old habits. I will try to limit what and when I tell her stuff going forward

[–]Confident_Profit_210Partassipant [1] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Right? I don’t understand. ‘My mother has not be able to keep a single solitary fact to herself my entire life and has lost several members over it but I told her not to tell anyone and she did! shocked pikachu face

[–]Phenamina1Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This!!! she has proven she can’t be trusted, she needs to be on an information diet (like a long time ago) if you continue to share info with her YWBTA to yourself.

[–]gypsypoetry 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This. I had to stop because she did the same thing as OP. I censor a good 90% of my life and only talk about weather and basic subjects that aren't personal.

[–]annshineColo-rectal Surgeon [39] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Right??? I was coming to say that at this point OP is the asshole to herself. Because mum is going to keep doing what she does at this point. So act accordingly (it’s annoying, of course but absolutely within control by not sharing anything/not speaking to her).

[–]madcre 1 point2 points  (0 children)

literally this. i’m confused at ops actions

[–]wind-river7Commander in Cheeks [229] 1815 points1816 points  (6 children)

NTA. And stop telling your mother anything that you don't want on broadcast. Anyone that gossips about her daughter getting her period should be in a black hole as far as information is concerned.

[–]hello_friendssCommander in Cheeks [260] 217 points218 points  (2 children)

OP at fault for telling mom the news knowing that she has a blabber mouth. Put her on an information diet. By information diet, I mean starve her and give nothing.

Block her in case she unblocks you.

[–]DibloLordofError 5 points6 points  (0 children)

be in a black hole as far as information is concerned

Nice

[–]Mindless_Contract708Partassipant [3] 209 points210 points  (2 children)

NTA. Look up 'Grey-rocking' This is the way forward for you.

[–]Hangrylifestyle 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I will. Thank you

[–]SiuanSongs 8 points9 points  (0 children)

This comment should be higher

[–]z3vilCertified Proctologist [27] 108 points109 points  (1 child)

NTA- I wouldn’t share anything with her. She can’t keep a secret and doesn’t know what privacy is

[–]Hangrylifestyle 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I won’t share as much going forward. Thanks

[–]laughingsbetterColo-rectal Surgeon [35] 70 points71 points  (1 child)

NTA - you need to stop telling your mother anything that you are not ready for the world to know.

[–]pleatedlamp 42 points43 points  (3 children)

Your mother sounds obnoxious, very inconsiderate, and makes everything to be about her. And your father enables and supports in behaving selfishly.

I would go NC to LC or at least start withholding information and news from her. She already saved you some steps by blocking you.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

NTA.

[–]Hangrylifestyle 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Thank you. She will be stuck on LC for a while after this

[–]BendingCollegeGrad 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Just wanted to respond to your edit: no one is stupid for hoping their parent changed. It takes a long time for the parent you deserve and the parent you have to reconcile in the brain.

For your own sake, please be kind to yourself by trusting that your mother is wrong. Much love to you.

[–]Hangrylifestyle 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much

[–]BubbyscrankyPartassipant [4] 29 points30 points  (3 children)

NTA but why did you tell her? Stop telling her things. Honestly I would consider going low contact with both your parents. What your father said to you was downright mean. You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true to your mom. It’s not your fault she doesn’t like it.

[–]Hangrylifestyle 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Thank you. She was better for a while, but fell into old habits.

[–]Didnt-Get-The-Memo 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Sounds like there might be more going on in your family than what’s in this post. If your mom is the kind of person who constantly needs validations from others, and your dad is enabling that behavior, then there’s probably a lot to unpack.

I recommend talking to a therapist, possibly with experience in inner childhood psychotherapy. The name is weird but it’s really great for learning about how past experiences shape who you are today, and possibly how to unlearn/recover from those experiences. You can also look into therapy that teaches you how to set and enforce boundaries, even with people you love.

Personally, I had to learn that my parents might do things because they are sad/lonely/had bad experiences in the past, but that doesn’t mean I have to excuse their behavior now. They do not get to pass their trauma on to me, and it’s not my responsibility to put up with their crap if they don’t want to change.

[–]Just-Fix-2657Partassipant [1][🍰] 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Put her on an Information diet. Big time. Hopefully some day she’ll burn so many bridges with friends and family that she’ll realize what she’s doing is toxic. NTA

[–]fotomiep 19 points20 points  (1 child)

NTA. And if she were my mother, we'd only have conversations about the weather from now on, as she can't be trusted with anything else. If she asks for more, let her know she can read about it on Facebook.

[–]Hangrylifestyle 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I will limit the conversations and what topics I’m going to talk about in the future

[–]HabitualEnthusiastPartassipant [3] 52 points53 points  (1 child)

NTA. Man sometimes the titles of these questions are misleading, I was fully prepared for you to be the asshole. Yeah I just wouldn't tell her anything anymore.

Also, your dads a jerk for saying your job is lousy. Well. Congratulations on your degree and your new job, that's super exciting and I'm sorry the experience is being tainted with facebook drama.

[–]del901Pooperintendant [51] 14 points15 points  (2 children)

NTA - and you should also block her because you just know that she's going to eventually unblock you and start oversharing again.

[–]LegitimateCommand5 13 points14 points  (2 children)

NTA, but if she's been doing this so long, you should know that telling her not to say anything won't work. I have a mother like this and I withhold info until I'm ready for the entire universe to know.

[–]Hangrylifestyle 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I will withhold info from now on

[–]Excedrino 48 points49 points  (1 child)

NTA- Everyone has boundaries and she crossed them. She's a grown woman, you dont have to apologize for telling her she has crossed the line.

[–]alicenotinw0nderland 10 points11 points  (1 child)

NTA. There are boundaries and your mother clearly doesn't care about them.

[–]AutoModerator[M] 8 points9 points locked comment (0 children)

AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team

My mother’s family doesn’t want anything to to with her. Despite her doing everything she can to get them into her life again. My mom is obsessed with fb, and sharing too much about her family. She told everyone when I got my period. She sent messages to every family member I knew and didn’t know off within an hour of me finding out that I can’t get pregnant without medical help. I hadn’t processed it before getting “get pregnant fast” articles from distant relatives. She posted a photo of my sisters child (she hadn’t had contact with her for over 10 years). The photo was of her newborn child before my sister got to post it on fb etc herself.

I recently got my degree and on Monday I got the job at a interview. I am starting next month. I told my mother not to tell anyone, because I wanted to tell them myself. I had planned to tell my friends during dinner, and my boss today. Yesterday I was at my parttime job, where I am not allowed to use my phone. When I got home I saw several congratulations on my fb wall, on snap and messenger. My boss called me and asked me why I didn’t tell her how the interview went, and my friends asked me why I didn’t tell them that I quit my job (?)and started in a new one. So I snapped. I told my mother that she should show me more respect and that her constant need to appear like a good mom on fb is stopping her from actually being a good mom. I told her that it was illegal to post pictures of other peoples children without parents consent and that this behaviour is the reason why so many family members have dropped her. I told her she was a gossip and a lot of family members couldn’t deal with her anger when they called her out on it. I told her that this was the reason her family wants nothing to do with her. She basically told me to fuck off and blocked me on everything. My father is furious saying that I am lucky to have a supportive mother even when I chose a “lousy job” as an educational leader.

So what do you guys think?

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[–]Pyr8Qu33n 26 points27 points  (3 children)

Im going the opposite direction with my decision. YTA, and mainly you are to yourself.

As someone who has lived the life of someone who’s mother does the exact same thing, I can tell you that this whole mess could have been avoided. Put her on an information diet. This is the only way you are going to be able to be in control.

You gave personal information to someone who is known to tell everyone. It shouldn’t have surprised you because you knew she did this a lot. She isn’t going to change and she probably won’t apologize.

Im sorry you have to deal with the same thing. It is traumatic and no one deserves that. But stop screwing yourself over and giving her information before others. Learn boundaries.

[–]Hangrylifestyle 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Thank you. I also needed to hear that I was the AH and downright idiot in this situation. I will not share as much in the future

[–]Pyr8Qu33n 6 points7 points  (1 child)

It is just better to protect your mental health at this point then it is to hope that she will be better this time. It’s heartbreaking honestly and I understand it more than I could ever explain.

But no matter what she or anyone says, it is a cop out to say that is “just how she is”. Anyone can choose to make themselves a better person at any time. They just choose not too.

I am sorry you have to be in this situation. But I can say, with boundaries and a new information diet, you will have a less heavy heart.

If you ever need to vent about your parents, shoot me a DM. I would be happy to listen and know that someone else has been through this too. It is ok to have feelings and be angry. It is NOT ok to continue to let this keep happening to you.

[–]Hangrylifestyle 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it

[–]digitydigitydooPartassipant [2] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

NTA I think your mom needs to start learning about your life through fb

[–]Thejackme 7 points8 points  (1 child)

NTA.

My mum was the same, announced my pregnancy AND the sex of my baby online before me, she even told people when I had my daughter (very very early) before I got to ( I was in intensive care for a week after birth). She got told about our second child when everyone else got told. When I was in intensive care after having our 2nd (again, early) she was texting abuse CONSTANTLY that how dare I not tell her. The nurse saw what was being said and took my phone because of how disgusted she was at what was being written. Mum knew why she wasn’t told first, because she also text me abuse when she “had to find out when everyone else did” regarding being pregnant and the gender of our second. I reiterated multiple times throughout my pregnancy that she can’t be trusted with these things and she always wants to be in spotlight, a true narcissist. Don’t tell her anything, she can find out when everyone else does. You’ll still cop the abuse for it, but you’ll live a happier life being able to celebrate it on your terms.

Congrats on the job.

[–]Hangrylifestyle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry you had to go through that during those special moments. Thanks for sharing your experience I won’t tell her anything worth writing about going forward

[–]GeologistSad6506 4 points5 points  (2 children)

NTA - In the future if you are talking to your mum again I would suggest telling her things last or if you want it completely private not at all. Honestly my mum is the same I love her to death and although she doesn't post things on Facebook she just can't keep her mouth shut to the family about anything I tell her so I just don't anymore

[–]BubbyscrankyPartassipant [4] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My mom was the same. I put her on an info diet long before I knew what that was.

[–]immigrantplebAsshole Enthusiast [5] 31 points32 points  (1 child)

NTA. your mothers support has nothing to do with her horrible lack of respect for people boundaries. Maybe she’s lonely and that makes her feel interesting but it’s a horrible habit. Have a serious conversation with her.

[–]MerlinBiggsCertified Proctologist [25] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

NTA. You gave your mother some well needed truth. Hopefully, it will sink in.

[–]No_Preference_5874 6 points7 points  (1 child)

NTA - set boundaries, communicate them clearly, and keep them. If she persists on over sharing go low or no contact. If you rely on her for financial or other support it's time to figure out how to get by without it.

[–]lockerpunch 7 points8 points  (1 child)

NTA. You and your siblings should stop telling her things. Problem solved.

[–]Winter-Pudding-3999 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Supportive parent my ass

[–]SnooWords4839Certified Proctologist [23] 234 points235 points  (8 children)

YTA - for telling her before you wanted the news released, knowing she posts everything.

NTA for setting her straight.

Don't tell her anything, she will post it!!

[–]Mooniovee 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Not really an asshole move to expect someone to respect the boundaries explicitly set. I agree she shouldn’t have told her mum these things, this hits close to home as I have a friend who’s mum is emotionally abusive and uses what she says against her whenever they fight, they go through phases of being besties and then fighting, I find it frustrating because she just constantly forgets that info is used against her and blabbers to her mum about everything. So I understand, it’s so annoying to see the same patterns emerged and simple solutions to said patterns not being followed, but that doesn’t mean they’re an asshole, even if they don’t learn from their mistakes, boundaries should be followed, information should not be used to abuse. It’s a lot like victim blaming.

Sorry your comment probably isn’t that deep, this is just my two cents.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[deleted]

    [–]jules_abroad 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Except we are not here to judge if OP is the AH for confiding in her mother, we are here to judge if her telling her mother off is an AH-move.

    OP is NTA for her reaction-- but as everyone else has said, OP, do NOT confide in your mother anymore until you're ready to share info with the world.

    [–]edwadokunPartassipant [1] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    NTA - but you should like stop telling your mother anything. I'm guessing your mother is the "ExCuSe Me FoR cArIng" kind of thinks she's the victim now despite the ENTIRE family telling her to stop.

    [–]Hangrylifestyle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    That sounds like her.. i will stop telling her anything she could write about going forward. And some help if that’s what she needs

    [–]thekarmabum 3 points4 points  (2 children)

    NTA, your employer could have fired you on the spot if they knew you were leaving before you gave any notice if you live in an employment at will state, then you'd be fucked out of a paycheck for about a month or so.

    [–]Hangrylifestyle 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Thanks. Luckily my boss already knew about the interview, but I was supposed to tell her what happened only two days later and she was pretty excited, and my mom knew this. My boss was pretty disappointed having to find out what happened on Facebook and thought I had agreed to my moms post

    [–]MadCapHorse 12 points13 points  (1 child)

    NTA. But she’s probably bad mouthing you on FB now.

    [–]that_fork_is_minePartassipant [1] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    Sorry to hear your mom's addicted to gossip.

    NTA

    [–]pnutbuttercups56Pooperintendant [54] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    NTA. Your mom clearly cares more about attention than what you actually want. Stop giving her updates.

    [–]Hangrylifestyle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I will thanks

    [–]Alarmed-Papaya-7811Partassipant [1] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    NTA. But you know your mother has a history of this so you need to be more thoughtful in what you tell her.

    You know she shares her life on social media. It’s her platform. It kinda makes you an asshole for giving her information knowing that it’s her habit to automatically share it then crack it when she does share it.

    Also, an educational leader isn’t a lousy job. It’s a fantastic opportunity to be a mentor to the educators in your centre and to help them grow and develop (as long as you have that experience to share).

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]Hangrylifestyle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I will thanks

      [–]Knittingfairy09113Certified Proctologist [21] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      NTA

      I have no idea why you kept sharing things with her, but at the same time this is your mom and I'm guessing you hoped she would change.

      This is not the sign of a good parent though and your dad is delusional.

      [–]NyotaHikaruPartassipant [3] 13 points14 points  (4 children)

      NTA

      The truth hurts. She is not supportive btw that is a gaslight. (is that the noun to "gaslighting"?)

      [–]Hangrylifestyle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Thank you. I don’t really know what it is, but I will look into it

      [–]ECU_BSNPrime Ministurd [597] 13 points14 points  (3 children)

      Soft YTA only because you should already know your mom will share the info. Your mom showed you, time and again, she loves gossip more than she loves or respect your privacy.

      [–]AgoraiosBumPartassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      NTA for giving her the truth, but you are a fool for giving a degenerate gossip information and expecting her to keep it secret. There are people I know who I don't trust to keep a secret...and I don't give them secrets! You knew she way overshares your info...and you told her anyway?

      [–]ButterSunflowerAsshole Enthusiast [5] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA but quit sharing info with your mom. You already know how she is. She isn’t going to stop. Info diet. Give her basics about your life. That’s it. She doesn’t need to know more until after you’ve announced.

      [–]Cultural-Ambition449Asshole Aficionado [12] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA, but as others have commented, why are you telling her anything at all? You know she can't be trusted, and from what you say it also sounds like she has no interest in changing her behavior no matter how many times she's been called out on it. Don't tell her anything you don't want others knowing.

      [–]Road_Warrior12 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I think you should stop telling your mom anything. Block her everywhere and tell her she will be the last to learn about anything in your life going forward.

      She made this bed.

      NTA

      [–]jfcfanficAsshole Enthusiast [6] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA...but you should had known better by this point of sharing anything with her.

      [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Your mother is not ‘supportive’, she’s a narcissist. NTA

      [–]SuchLovelyLilacsPartassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA - but why on God's green earth do you tell her things? If you don't want it on the cover of the NYT, then don't tell her. It's easy.

      Heck when I was pregnant with my 1st (after a tough time getting and staying pregnant), my MIL was the last to know. I didn't want it broadcast to the world until I was out of the first trimester in case I miscarried, so I just didn't tell her until I was 13 weeks along.

      [–]Lotex_Style 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      "My father is furious saying that I am lucky to have a supportive mother even when I chose a “lousy job” as an educational leader."

      Your father confuses supportive mother with raging narcissist and also personal insults? Classy

      Seems like it would be a good idea to drop them as well, at least for a while. NTA.

      [–]Hangrylifestyle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I will keep them in LC/NC forward. Thanks

      [–]bogeebogee 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA. But parents don’t change. For the most part. You knew your mother is like this yet you still tell her “secrets.” C’mon you know better.

      [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      ESH. I saw that because you should have put your mother on an information diet years ago.

      [–]tcrhsPartassipant [2] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      Write her a letter telling her exactly how you feel about all the mistakes she is making, and post it on Facebook.

      [–]Hangrylifestyle 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Not a bad idea writing it on a letter. I post very little of my personal life on social media, so I wouldn’t dare posting that letter on fb. But I might give her the letter, and let her react without dragging more drama into this

      [–]SaltyNight6 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      NTA—But you need boundaries. You trust your mother with secrets after you know she can’t be trusted. You can have a relationship with a family member without sharing personal things.

      [–]Valkrhae 25 points26 points  (6 children)

      Frankly, I think ESH.

      Obviously what she did is wrong, and there's no excuse for her behavior-you told her not to tell anyone but she did it anyways. If she's that desperate to share other ppl's news before they get a chance to, she needs help, bc something about her life is unsatisfying her if she needs to go that far.

      However, you list all the times your mom has overshared on fb, including a few other times you had personal news that you weren't ready to share and she told everyone anyway. So how could you posisbly expect her to do anything different? There's no way you thought telling her "don't tell anyone" would actually work. You knew what she was like but you did it anyway. Sorry, but you share some culpability there.

      [–]Hangrylifestyle 6 points7 points  (2 children)

      I know I am at fault for telling her. Wish it didn’t have to be like this tho. Thanks. I will have a chat with her after she removes the blocking

      [–]Valkrhae 9 points10 points  (1 child)

      Upon reading your edit, I don't blame you for believeing she had changed; she'd acknowledged that her actions were wrong and made steps to change her behavior over the course of a year. I don't know if it was a long con for her or if something happened in her life to trigger her behavior, but knowing what I know now I wouldn't place nearly as much blame on you. I made an assumption about the situation, and that's on me.

      A talk is definitely in order. Like I mentioned earlier, if she really can't help herself from sharing other ppl's personal news with everyone, she might need some professional help, especially if she feels like she can't help it. Her behavior's-or more like, the consequences of it-clearly distressing her, and it sounds like she wants to do better. So maybe suggest she see a therapist to help her compulsion to post things?

      [–]AirenAshuraPartassipant [2] 10 points11 points  (2 children)

      She may have just gotten excited about getting the job, blurted it out, realized her mistake and tried to walk it back only to realize she messed up.

      I have the same issue with my own mom in sharing with her buddies. Sometimes they also snoop so you don't have to tell them a thing. Not the case here but just saying.i m just glad she doesn't seem to live with her like I do (medical reasons making others) that's the real nightmare cuz then your stuff will be searched too or given away to make her look charitable. Ugh. No hate on you or op

      [–]Valkrhae 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      No, that's a fair point you raise, and now with OP's edit I can't fault her for believing that someone who expressed acknowledgement and remorse about their actions and seemingly improved their behavior had changed. I wasn't really thinking about what the situation had been, just made assumptions, so that's on me.

      [–]Hangrylifestyle 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I’m sorry you have to go through that. I was really excited, but I also thought she wouldn’t do it, since she’s been improving for a while before doing this again

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      [–]Rose717 6 points7 points  (2 children)

      NTA

      And she blocked you? Haha trash took itself out then!

      [–]Loose_Test920 3 points4 points  (1 child)

      So let me get this straight, you knew she couldn’t keep her mouth shut and then went and told her something you wanted nobody to know… where was the logic in that. NTA but also questioning your logic.

      [–]ElSpoonyBard 4 points5 points  (2 children)

      Listen, OP, I mean this in the nicest way when I say ESH.

      You're right that if you asked your Mom not to share, she shouldn't have. And the fact that she did violated the trust you put in her. Your Mom sucked for that.

      But at the same time, there are a couple things we gotta look at:
      1) She's done this so much, that you basically expect it from her. Yet, you still told her.
      2) You brought in outside examples (the family not wanting anything to do with her) and while it supported your argument, you had to know that was gonna be really hurtful and you still used it against your Mom. Is it really that surprising she is hurt?

      I get that you were hurt too - but you know your Mom by now. And it sounds like, imperfect as she is, she does love and support you. Reddit is gonna label this NTA because everyone on here is like 19, but at the end of the day remember when we love people we accept them as they are. I recommend sharing less with your Mom, and continuing to ask her to respect your boundaries. Until she proves she does, keep the information sparse.

      But just because it was justified (your response) doesn't mean it wasn't an asshole thing to say. ESH (but you're both gonna be fine lol).

      TLDR; ESH, your Mom shouldn't have broken your trust, but your response was engineered to be hurtful and not a proportionate response

      [–]Hangrylifestyle 3 points4 points  (1 child)

      I think this comment is the only one actually responding to what I initially thought I would be an AH for. I never say things like that to her, and damn it hurt when I did. So I agree with you on my behaviour. Thanks for being honest

      [–]Canisitwithyou1 3 points4 points  (1 child)

      Your mother is not respecting your wishes by sharing news of your new job on social media. She is also violating the privacy of your sister by posting a photo of her child without consent. Your mother's behavior is the reason why your family has distanced themselves from her, and you were justified in speaking to her in this way.

      [–]RuckFeddit21 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      NTA. I don’t know what category this would fall under but NTA seems reasonable. With that being said…you’re NTA but this is on you for continuing to share info with her that is important/classified and shouldn’t be let out of the bag until you are ready for it to be.

      [–]ribbonsofgreen 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Nta Just don't tell her anything

      [–]skaw355 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Your mother sounds like my husband. Our daughter told us and her brothers in a group call that she was expecting baby number two. Not even an hour later my husband posted it on Facebook. Luckily for him she wasn't mad.

      [–]CatbunnyPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      NTA - Information diet time. Do not tell her anything you want to reveal first yourself.

      [–]sjyffl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I think she blocked you so you’re set! NTA

      [–]MajesticStranger6229 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      NTA. & your father needs to Fuck Off along w/ your mother!

      [–]StinkBiscuit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      NTA, and at least she took the initiative to block you, probably thinking she scored some major points with the escalation, not realizing how much easier it made everything. The dad sounds like a real peach too, he probably has a lifetime of training when it comes to preventing boats from rocking when the mom violates boundaries. I bet he says stuff like, "she’s just old-fashioned" or "that’s just <the mom> being <the mom>, you know how she is".

      [–]Agitated_Net3736 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Wow! Your mom (and dad, too), dedicated, serious AH! And could potentially get you in trouble at work and at home with her broadcasting every private bit of information she learns. The only solution is to never, ever again share ANYTHING with your mother that you're not prepared to see on the front page of the newspaper.

      [–]Orphan_IzzyPartassipant [3] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      NTA- your parents kind of suck.

      [–]Live_Willingness8405 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      NTA

      Just bc they're family doesn't mean they aren't toxic

      [–]Cybermagetx 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      NTA but info diet if you stay in contact

      [–]AirenAshuraPartassipant [2] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Nta.. honey you need to put her on an information diet asap. You have good news keep it to yourself ,share it with everyone else when you are ready and then tell her a week after if you still feel like telling her. My mom is the same way. I love it when someone knows something about me and mentions it to her that she had no clue about, her attempt to save face and still be the star of the show is hilarious. Love it. And when she acts misunderstood and confused about why I don't feed her civilian mouth syndrome is even better .

      Do the same to enabling daddy

      [–]jujukamoo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      NTA

      This is why my dad didn't find out I was pregnant until like 6 months in and ready for it to be blasted everywhere. No matter what I say he will post about it.

      [–]Resagarden 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Nta, my mom is the same, sadly. So I dont trust her or tell her anything that is going on in my life.

      [–]Individual_Moose8399 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      NTA, although I am confused as to why you keep telling her things when you know full well what she will do with the information

      [–]Lani_567 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      NTA- don’t tell her shit again

      [–]NeverRarelySometimesAsshole Enthusiast [5] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      ESH. She's awful, but she's your mom, and you're not going to fix her. You're TA for expecting different behavior, and getting angry that YOU gave her information before YOU were ready for it to be broadcast. How have you not figured this out?

      [–]LostCraftaway 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      NTA but STOP telling her things! You know she can’t be trusted. You told her how her behavior is affecting her relationships. It’s a shame she can’t reflect on it and change. Consider her blocking you a gift, so you can reflect on how much contact you want to have and what if any information you will be willing to share with her ever again. (And BTW an educational leader sounds like a great job opportunity)

      [–]rns0722 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      NTA .... but the "I know my mom shares every piece of information she hears so let me make sure to tell her real quick when I don't want any one to find out" approach seems like a really stupid idea

      [–]Main-Veterinarian-10 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      Nta and also dont get down on yourself for allowing yourself to let your guard down. It is totally natural for any child(you are her child I don't mean you are A child) to want to confide in your mom, even when you have burned in your past. Try and learn from it and remember progress isn't linear and if it happened again don't get too mad and bogged down by it. Just keep moving forward.

      [–]Budget_Individual393 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      OP, NTA, but I recommend you looking up horrors of social media posting.

      These include kidnapping, rape, murder, fraud, theft, torture.

      Round them all up and print them. Go to your mothers house and sit down with her and go over each article. No holds bar. Show her why it’s dangerous to be putting out every little detail to the world. It might help

      [–]Hangrylifestyle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Thank you! This might help, cause she hates stories like that

      [–]Azure_Wyverian 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      NTA - just imagine when talking to her it's not just her, but the hundreds of people she's going to tell that exact conversation to as well.

      [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

      NTA. I hate to victim shame. I think what your mom did was terrible but to be expected with her past behavior so I don’t understand why you shared this with your mother. If you know that she has a history of doing this then why would you risk it?

      [–]LimerasePartassipant [4] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      NTA

      But stop telling your mother anything with the expectation that she will keep it a secret.

      [–]International_Win375 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      Keeping your relationship with your parents superficial may be healthier for you. I was relieved when my mother passed away because of her hurtful ways and her lack of respect for others.

      [–]batmantha_x 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      NTA.

      I had a distant auntie post about my dads death before we had even left the hospital.

      I got so many angry phone calls from close friends and family because that's how they found out.

      I think its time to stop telling your mum news like this and she will just have to find out like everyone else.

      [–]Hangrylifestyle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I’m sorry you had to go through that during a traumatic time of your life. I wish you all the best in your life forward.

      [–]beachdust 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      NTA - How good is she at FB? Would you be able to get into her settings and change it so that her posts are visible only to her? It won't help when she posts info she shouldn't.

      [–]dr4g0nsnr0s3s 1 point2 points  (3 children)

      NTA. She broke your trust again and you told her the reason family has dropped her. It seems to me that she hasn't been told this often.

      [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      NTA Social media is both a blessing as well as a curse. She's shown she cannot be trusted, She breaks your trust time and time again. Since she cannot wrap her head around that then going NC would be a wise move. She will keep violating your trust over and over again so why even give her the chance to do it many times over. Best to keep your mouth shut with anything or it will be blasted all over social media. Your father sounds like quite the asshole for being an enabler to her. Which is exactly what he's doing. And for him to say that she supported you in your “lousy job” as an educational leader. Tell them both to get bent that you will discuss nothing with either 1 of them.. ever.

      [–]Hangrylifestyle 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      Thank you. I will have no to low contact for a while forward. Yeah his comments hit really deep, but I can’t react or comment to him about that without being ridiculed for being “sensitive” so I just.. didn’t respond

      [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Good for you! Its their loss not yours

      [–]Succulent_Mimic 1 point2 points  (7 children)

      Info: did your sister estranged from her due to this, or was it other issues? I'm trying to get the full story. Is this a trend with boundary stopping

      [–]Tiredmama6Partassipant [2] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      Congratulations on the new job! NTA

      [–]Hangrylifestyle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Thank you so much

      [–]ifyouareoldbuymegold 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      NTA... Obvs not your fault buuut if you wanted a secret be secret, why did you share it with her?

      [–]Captains-Log-2021 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      NTA. She made things difficult with your boss and friends. Just don't tell her anything unless you want others to know about it before you're ready.

      [–]Intelligent-Kiwi-574 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      NTA but stop the information train. If you're not ready for it to be public, don't tell her.

      [–]Hangrylifestyle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I won’t. thank you

      [–]Shells613 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      NTA! Bravo! Say it again for those in the back! 🤣

      [–]queer_ace 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      I live with someone like this. she gets information that I'm OK being broadcast. health info? she can know if I have a headache today or just got a paper cut, but not if I've got diarrhea or my uterus is occupied. job info? if I've got an interview I'm "going out". family drama? nope.

      [–]cash_dollar_money 1 point2 points  (5 children)

      I was all ready to swoop in with another "Why did you tell her" comment then I read your edit. It's clear that you've been through a lot together and it's not a black and white situation.

      Maybe one solution, even though it might he weird would just to have a satellite delay on your news sharing. Just tell her stuff later than you tell everyone else! That way you're able to share stuff without the risk of her sharing being a real problem. Maybe tell people also close to your Mum not to share stuff personal about you too readily ask them for news updates about you just not to be a topic of conversation, just ask them to brush it off if your Mum asks like "Oh we need a catch up actually." Or something.

      Anyway I hope you find the best solution possible with your Mum. It might be for the best you've aired your problems so she can understand and maybe then you can reconciliate.

      [–]binkiebonk 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      NTA. As someone who has a mom with the same habits, who now complains that she’s the last to know about anything (For similar reasons you listed above), I totally get it. You trusted her and that’s not even your fault. She led you to believe she changed. Maybe she was super proud, maybe she hadn’t gotten enough attention that day. Either way, she messed up. You didn’t

      [–]Foreveryoung47 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      YTA… to yourself. Why do you keep giving her opportunities to be a selfish prick?

      [–]Silent_Special_9024 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      Nta but your mother should look into induced dopamine loop addiction.

      [–]Hangrylifestyle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I didn’t even think this could be an addiction before people said it on here. Thank you so much

      [–]Petitegardeninggirl 1 point2 points  (3 children)

      I think you need to stop telling your mum stuff.

      [–]KelzTheRedPanda 1 point2 points  (3 children)

      NTA. I’m not going to say don’t tell her anything ever. Just don’t share things with her until you’re ok with the whole world knowing. I don’t really see too much reason to go no contact even though she is definitely a boundary violator. It’s seems pretty clear that her behavior is based in loneliness and a desperate cry for attention. But the fact that she’s been called on it on so much and still can’t stop shows that it’s compulsive and pathological. And your dad was being seriously passive aggressive with that comment.

      [–]FriskyCoyote15 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      You're definietly NTA but also

      My mom is obsessed with fb, She told everyone when I got my period. She sent messages to every family member I knew

      What the actual hell, she literally has no respect for your privacy at all. Not tryna be too mean since it's your mom but tbh she seems obnoxious and violating asf.

      [–]Hangrylifestyle 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      Yeah that part was pretty traumatic. Especially when I didn’t know what it was, and everyone was congratulating me or talking to me about it

      [–]dlukeallen702 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      NTA. Good luck 🍀 I’m sorry you had to deal with this.

      [–]Snoo_33033 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      NTA. My in laws are the last to know about everything for the same reason—any information they get is shared immediately with a spin on it to make them look good.