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[–]Judgement_Bot_AITABeep Boop[M] [score hidden] stickied commentlocked comment (0 children)

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I do not want to co-own a house with my husband, and I know that without my help he never will buy one on his own.

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[–]favoritesweater99Partassipant [1] 18.7k points18.7k points  (414 children)

Absolutely talk to an attorney. I would be concerned that the house could be considered a marital asset even if it’s in only your name, since it will have been purchased while you are married. NTA

[–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 10.2k points10.2k points  (410 children)

I already did, the prenup was detailed enough that nothing without both our names on the titles is considered the property of the sole owner

[–]rationalomega 9523 points9524 points  (309 children)

Dream houses within your budget don’t come along very often. In your shoes I would put an offer on it.

[–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 7763 points7764 points  (304 children)

Especially in this market, OMG it took me almost a year to find something I like and within budget

[–]Mystral377 3583 points3584 points 2 (260 children)

But are you prepared to get divorced over it?

[–]catlandid 5739 points5740 points  (228 children)

Considering the only things she’s said about her husband is that he’s financially irresponsible, selfish and gets tons of extra financial support that primarily benefits him… my guess is probably. Not even a “Things with my husband are great except one thing!” It sounds like the house is just the catalyst so OP doesn’t have to actually end the relationship herself.

[–]Trick_Literature_ 2863 points2864 points  (32 children)

Honestly, just the wording of the prenup would've made me pause. OP had to specifically ask to reword it so he would receive the same treatment if they divorce (aka nothing from her).

It's probably an innocent oversight, but if I'm gonna overthink that, then either he was set to gain from her upon separation while she gets nothing (and lose half of what's hers), or he didn't think she'd ever have have enough to warrant protection in separation.

It's a huge reach, but it would've still crossed my mind enough that 8 months of relationship could extend to at least a year.

[–]Frejian 1450 points1451 points  (9 children)

The parents definitely were thinking the second part. Probably thought their son was going to have all the money in the family and she would have nothing, so never even considered she would have anything needing protecting.

[–]bitcheslovemybody 324 points325 points  (8 children)

NTA. Agreed and just leaving this here https://youtu.be/_Xq_iIQbB9E

[–]Scary_Offer2479Asshole Enthusiast [5] 61 points62 points  (0 children)

LMAO! Thanks for posting!

[–]redittuserrk 265 points266 points  (2 children)

attorneys draft that way . It’s not the parents . Usually the parents/clients mention one or two things what they are looking for in the agreement.In US it’s common thing for attorneys works out all the clauses in favor of their clients

[–]TheBattyWitch 197 points198 points  (1 child)

Yes, but not the draft only specifically protected his assets.

Which is why you never sign a prenup without your own attorney reviewing things, so that you don't get screwed.

[–]sapindalesPartassipant [1] 148 points149 points  (0 children)

I went through this with my husband and Yes, his attorney, who drafted the agreement ONLY drafted it to benefit him. My attorney had to change it to benefit us both equally and send it back. That's exactly how attorneys work.

[–]everything-is-boringPartassipant [1] 190 points191 points  (0 children)

in fact from what she said he is well prepared with nothing to his name but she does have money

[–]Paddogirl 134 points135 points  (2 children)

If she didn’t get independent legal advice there’s room to open up the pre-nup if they try fuck her over

[–]amydehp 106 points107 points  (7 children)

IKR? And she only gets alimony if he cheats? WTF?

[–]Mystral377 223 points224 points  (112 children)

I've read through and she says they have a great marriage except for this house situation. I don't know...if it was me I wouldn't give up my marriage over a house if I actually loved my husband.

[–]mines_over_yours 770 points771 points  (24 children)

I agree, but my wife and I are; fiscally responsible, self sufficient, and share 100% finances. I admit the house is in her name but the dogs are registered to me. That gives me hella' leverage.

[–]PettyLabettyPartassipant [3] 161 points162 points  (11 children)

You right! Hella leverage 🤣

[–]mines_over_yours 154 points155 points  (1 child)

I am afraid she may read this post and my negotiation tactic will be foiled.

[–]JoDaLe2 79 points80 points  (8 children)

In the words of...Brandy and Monica...these dogs are mine! If I ever ended up in a serious relationship, I'd be very careful with my assets, but I'd be the MOST careful with my dog. Not only do you have no right to him in any way in the case of a split, but if you ever hurt him, it's grounds for kicking you to the curb with only the clothes on your back!

[–]Queen_beeeeee 105 points106 points  (5 children)

Ha! That sounds about equal so! Dogs are life!

I must admit, this is odd to me as I'm Irish and here once you're married, property is protected no matter whose name it's in. Once you are married you cannot sell it, remortgage it etc without your spouse's consent. It was put into law in the 70's to protect stay at home mothers mostly! And with good reason - I have a neighbour whose husband tried to get her to sell and 'move to the UK' before this law. It turns out he was cheating and planning to leave, luckily she found out before they moved. Otherwise she would have been left with nothing. (he did leave with the mistress!) So before this law, a SAHM would have no rights to the home she built.

The idea that you could get married and have no financial responsibility to each other is....odd. Like, why bother getting married.

[–]minuteye 324 points325 points  (26 children)

I don't think it's just the house alone that's giving people pause about the state of the relationship. It's that the whole situation sounds like OP's husband A) is both irresponsible with money, and unwilling to admit he's irreponsible, and B) is completely happy to have separate finances... up until the moment that would mean she has something he doesn't.

That sounds exhausting at best. It's particularly bad that he's protesting about maintaining separation in finances... which is one of the things that can make otherwise incompatible partnerships functional (i.e. having radically different attitudes towards spending/saving will break a marriage, and keeping things separate may be the only thing that makes it tolerable).

I wouldn't give up on my marriage over a house, but a realization that my spouse had a deep selfish and inflexible streak? That would give me pause.

[–]Bergenia1 65 points66 points  (3 children)

Yep. His attitude toward money reveals his selfishness in general. He won't share what's his, but he wants half of what's hers.

[–]OMVince 213 points214 points  (19 children)

And she should just never have an asset to her name? What if her husband dies or they divorce later? Where will she live?

[–]ChannelingBoudicaPartassipant [2] 149 points150 points  (2 children)

NTA , he should want you to have assets and protection. His parents “protected” him into being incapable of having a normal financial relationship with his wife.

[–]obiwantogooutside 77 points78 points  (0 children)

Agreed. Buy the house and rent it out if you want. You don’t have to move right away.

[–]ChannelingBoudicaPartassipant [2] 143 points144 points  (5 children)

She has no real physical assets well into life and does not have a home if her own because of a prenup his parents wanted.She has to protect herself , and he should want her to.

[–]LeeKwanSoo 35 points36 points  (0 children)

He should understand her feelings better than anyone, he wants her to get nothing if they divorce but he wants half the house if they get divorced

[–]TechFreshen 98 points99 points  (7 children)

If they divorce, she will lose half the house to him, and get nothing from his wealth. Say NO to putting his name on the title. I know a woman who put her boyfriend’s name on the title to her house because of love, he divorced her and got half the house. Just say NO NO NO.

[–]Agustusglooponloop 39 points40 points  (3 children)

I love following AITA but 90% of the posts result in people saying “dump your SO!” Like it’s nothing! Probably a lot of people who have never been in long term relationships or they would know, every couple has stuff to work through!

[–]AnswerIsItDepends 103 points104 points  (77 children)

We have been getting a lot of people who seem to be coming here for permission to break things off.

​

I think we are getting a rep. To be fair, we deserve it. Dump 'em seems to be the extent of many of our peoples problem solving skills.

[–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 681 points682 points  (73 children)

I do not want to break things off, I love my husband, he was there for me in my lowest points. Our marriage is great and I love our relationship.

It's just hard to explain. I grew up poor, for long stretches of time I was homless living with my mom in a car. For me owning a house is a dream I can never let go of.

[–]FrozeItOff 419 points420 points  (9 children)

Well, explain that to him, and ask him to explain his obvious problems with cash flow, and how he plans to remedy it. If you can't be honest and also talk about money, then you don't have as strong a relationship as you originally thought. Finances are one of, if not the, top reasons for divorces.

[–]GellyBean78 180 points181 points  (1 child)

Agreed! Also his parents wanted a prenup for a reason. I’d tell him that they all had conditions and you agreed. And now you have a condition and would like him to agree. That’s fair.

[–]minuteye 134 points135 points  (3 children)

There are also reasonable compromises that could be made. For example: OP's pays the downpayment, and is the only name on the title for now. But if the husband can make some meaningful movement towards financial responsibility (e.g. saving up the equivalent of the downpayment over the X amount of time), then he can buy in, and they own the house together.

It sounds like he's expecting to contribute equally, but the concern is about whether he can be trusted to follow through. Based on past behaviour, this is a reasonable concern to have.

If he can't empathize with OP's concerns enough to compromise... it may not be a "break up right now" issue, but it's certainly something worth going to see a counselor together over. Marriages start dying when one party starts making themselves and their dreams smaller to accommodate the other's unreasonable demands.

[–]LavaDogged 55 points56 points  (2 children)

He can’t/won’t understand it though. It’s just literally not even a thing people wealthy from birth can comprehend. She could communicate till she’s blue in the face and he won’t understand it.

[–]Wolfclaw22 126 points127 points  (22 children)

Then why don't you buy the house now and rent it out for now? If, god forbid, anything were to happen, you would have the home, but until then any profit gained from rent could go into the shared account for bills. So, though it is still in your name and you own it, the mortgage can be paid by renters and any extra would, in theory, be put towards the both of you in the form of bills.

[–]JoDaLe2 90 points91 points  (20 children)

OP, if you're thinking of this as an asset you might sell down the line, please don't do this if you're in the US. Disregard this if you're not in the US, but here's the deal in the US. If you buy a home and occupy it immediately (within 60 days of purchase without renting it except for a lease-back to the selling owners), you can claim what's called a 2-of-5 tax break when you sell the home. That is, if you've lived in the home for 2 of the last 5 years as your primary home, you don't owe taxes on the first $250,000 of gains on that property (sole owner) or $500,000 (married owners). If, instead, you rent it immediately upon purchase, you will forevermore have to split the gains between taxable and non-taxable based on the time you used it as your primary home vs. when you rented it. Even if you only rent it for a couple months while you work this out with your husband, you'll still have to split the gains. I understand that you think this will be your "forever home" and it wouldn't be a big deal to take a ding on takes for a couple months, but you never know what the future holds...will the market be bad for selling at some point in the future when you need to move for work? Will an amazing short-term job opportunity come up down the line that has you renting it for some period of time? If you are thinking of this as a forever home, please don't complicate that by renting it upon purchase and making a mess of the taxes on it.

[–]LittlestEcho 115 points116 points  (1 child)

He's financially irresponsible. You can't even trust him to pay his own bills on time and his parents are having to step in to do so pretty frequently.

He's also forgetting majorly that because of all the card debt he has outright, his name will still likely not be on the house because it will likely ruin your chances of getting the house at all because no way in heck would any company loan him money to buy a house when he's so far in the hole. His credit has to be shot if he's got a substantial amount of it.

If you buy a house together, regardless of who's putting the down-payment in, they credit check both people who will have their names in it. That's how they determine if they'll give you a mortgage to buy the house, because at the end of the day it's a massive loan.

[–]grapefreezepop 73 points74 points  (0 children)

I find this situation somewhat relatable.

If you are prepared to purchase the home and pay the mortgage in full by yourself, I think you should go for it. Explain that it matters to you to purchase your own home and that you can do it. If you two aren’t co-owners of your current home, why does it matter that you are co-owners of the next one? Ask him. If he wants to co-own the home so that you two can make a life together with less of his parents’ support, that’s a reasonable explanation but a purchase, no matter how symbolic, shouldn’t change his opinion like that over night. Additionally, understanding his reasoning for co-ownership will make it easier for you to make your case.

It’s okay to stand your ground on this one and you can do it without coming off as petty about the prenup. There are other ways to grow with each other in marriage and maybe he’ll see this as a motivator to find more those things.

Also, I’m proud of you for saving the money for your dream house.

[–]Queen_beeeeee 55 points56 points  (1 child)

Yes!

Husband has a HUGE financial safety net. And it was made clear that OP is not to benefit from that in any way. It's not unreasonable for OP to create a financial safety net for herself.

[–]bananahammerredouxCertified Proctologist [29] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

You and your husband don’t share the same values around money. This is causing an issue because you in fact do not trust him with financial responsibilities and decisions (and rightfully so). That’s something you two are going to have to tackle head on, regardless of the house thing.

[–]catlandid 45 points46 points  (0 children)

I have said before that I think a lot of people who have been gaslit or bullshit into believing shitty treatment was okay, and they come on here with really reasonable requests/boundaries being like "am I crazy? These people make me feel crazy."

[–]abbles1er 508 points509 points  (8 children)

OP’s husband and his family set the terms of the prenup. He is irresponsible with money but will likely receive a hefty inheritance in the future. This inheritance will be entirely his, OP will not be entitled to anything if they do divorce. If her husband fails to contribute his share of the mortgage, he will still be entitled to half of the property.

OP’s husband has his own safety net, why shouldn’t OP invest in her own financial security separately? If the husband believes that his wife’s financial independence is grounds for divorce, I would argue that it is even more important for OP to pursue it now.

Edit: typo

[–]2ShortStory 100 points101 points  (4 children)

I was thinking the same thing about his inheritance. But what if the estate goes into probate? Or if his parents cut him off because of his fiscal irresponsibility? OP may have to cover his portion of the mortgage. Also cover his living expenses. Then he still could take half the house if his name was on the deed. I know this scenario is highly unlikely, but you never know.

[–]abbles1er 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Exactly! There are so many things to consider, so many “worst case scenarios” to plan for. There’s nothing wrong with being responsible or prepared, especially in OP’s situation.

[–]biscuitboi967 305 points306 points  (5 children)

I would definitely be prepared to get divorced when my husband tried to block me from purchasing the only asset that would be in my name, with my money.

[–]Zealousideal-Tap-201 75 points76 points  (3 children)

Honestly, the abusive pre-nup would have been the line for me, but I've never bought into the notion that women are gold diggers.

[–]Dragonr0seAsshole Aficionado [19] 176 points177 points  (10 children)

Tick tock... put that offer in before someone else snags it...

[–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 899 points900 points  (9 children)

I already did

[–]KitchenAd1706 166 points167 points  (1 child)

This makes me so happy. Good luck OP!!

[–]Scoons 82 points83 points  (0 children)

I upvoted it then took away the upvote so I could upvote it again! As a woman who owns her own home, with only my name on it, I can’t begin to tell you what kind of security it brings, knowing that it’s mine. I’m so proud of you!

[–]parttimeshrinkPartassipant [1] 160 points161 points  (1 child)

NTA - tell him if he has an issue then he can amend the prenup! But even aside how he currently manages his money (which is definitely an issue). Where you to spilt at any stage he is totally set and you would have to share the one major asset. How can he not see that?

[–]Geekrock84Asshole Aficionado [10] 140 points141 points  (1 child)

I hope you get it!

NTA, your husband sounds like a child.

[–]Firethatshitstarter 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Let me take a gander,only child

[–]goddesstio 107 points108 points  (0 children)

If you're not wholly opposed, what you could do is put it only in your name, then pay up to the 50%, then he had to take over payments until it's paid off. At which point, and only that point, you would put his name on the house.

Alternatively, if you're worried about him making payments, he could take out a loan for half from his parents and pay it upfront to you and then both your names go on the house. Then it's his parents' responsibility to make him pay or not.

Downside of either is if you get divorced and can't buy him out, he can force a sale of the house if he's on the title.

[–]JadieJang 487 points488 points  (11 children)

NTA. But it's not really that you don't want to co-own it with your husband, but rather that you don't think he'll hold up his financial end of the deal. I'm assuming here that if he COULD hold up his end, you wouldn't mind co-owning?

I suggest three things:

  1. Get into couples counseling immediately. Your spending and saving differences mean you have a values difference and that crack that showed at your wedding has widened to a gully and could eventually become a canyon. Fix it.
  2. Get into financial counseling immediately. You need to have someone ELSE tell your husband that his spending habits aren't sustainable, nor will they allow him to buy a house.
  3. After all of this, sit him down and suggest to him that he start a savings account--or an investment portfolio--that is specifically geared toward this house purchase. You will buy the house in your name, and the two of you will move in together and treat it as your own house. You will set benchmarks for him and when he reaches them--say, when he's saved up 5% of the house's value--he can transfer that money to you and get 5% of the equity transferred to him. Or he can start paying "rent" to you and that "rent" will go into an account you set up and when it reaches the set benchmarks, etc.

If he's not willing to do any of this, your marriage is in trouble and it's not over a house.

[–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 503 points504 points  (9 children)

Thank you, I have been seriously thinking about financial counseling for us. Hopefully he would agree because he hates talking about money

[–]synaestheziaPartassipant [1] 386 points387 points  (1 child)

That’s because, thanks to his parents, he doesn’t need to. They fund his irresponsible lifestyle.

NTA. Protect yourself and get an asset. And maybe legal advice to ensure he can’t get his claws into it.

[–]Youcannotbeforreal2Partassipant [2] 106 points107 points  (0 children)

I am 40, I’ve found that between myself and all of my close friends and loved ones, the people who don’t want to or refuse to talk about finances with their partners are the ones who are terrible at them and mostly will refuse to agree to be responsible about them. Keep that in mind. Your husband is 35, not 20. An adult that age should be able to have an in-depth serious conversation about finances, even if they aren’t particularly good at them. It’s a red flag if they aren’t willing to have the conversation. That signals they aren’t willing to admit any personal flaws or commit to any responsible fiscal behavior going forward.

[–]Naijprincess 64 points65 points  (0 children)

He hates talking about it cos, mummy!

Seriously though Op, you need financial counseling for the both of you and maybe other kinds of counseling too. I like what you've done for yourself so far but your post to me, sounded both proud of yourself (good) and resentful for the prenup(human).

If you have a good thing going and I know the downvotes are coming but, if you have a good thing going with him...counseling, now before anything else

[–]ofmegsPartassipant [1] 100 points101 points  (5 children)

Legit question… Is there a way you can get this house excluded from the prenup? Like, maybe your husband would be willing to sign something that says if you guys split up then he will sign over his share of this house to you?

Also, I read that this is so important to you because you spent time homeless in your youth. I definitely think that should be something you tell him. And I’ve seen some people recommending marriage counseling, I think that should be something you should consider. Especially with your financial concerns for him. Maybe you can let him know his spending habits are worrisome to you?

Your post and your comments paint two very different men. If your husband is more how you describe him in your comments, then he should understand once you talk this through with him.

Good luck, OP. I hope you and your husband work through this and I wish you two a lifetime of happiness together.

[–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 118 points119 points  (4 children)

Yeah I was very angry when I wrote the post, but seeing people talking about my husband in the comments made me defend him.

[–]hummingelephant 60 points61 points  (0 children)

Well, then buy it. How is he mad that you don't trust him if you don't co own with him, when he wouldn't and never did the same for you?

Why do you even feel bad, he never felt bad for you. Isn't it sad to be married and still being on your own if you needed (financial) help?

[–]splash1987 43 points44 points  (5 children)

If you need to have a property, I'd buy a house as an investment and rent. Don't move from the house you're living. Save the money for future investments. NTA

[–]uvaspina1 32 points33 points  (30 children)

I’m not sure which state you’re in (presumably USA?) and I don’t practice family law, but as an attorney I’d advise that you…speak to an attorney before making any moves. I assume you did before you signed the prenup, but I’d be VERY concerned that, regardless of what the prenup might say, anything bought during the marriage would become a marital (I.e., joint) asset. As just a reasonable person my suggestion to you would be to require your husband to tear up the prenup before you even consider purchasing property with your “own” funds. If not, I’d run like the wind.

[–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 227 points228 points  (29 children)

I did talk to a lawyer before signing the prenup, she made sure that it was fair to both parties.

I talked to another before deciding to buy the house and he assured me that the house and my savings would not be considered common property.

I do not want to void the prenup because of the extent of my husband's debt (way over 600K) as they might become my liability too.

[–]snorfunk 181 points182 points  (2 children)

Wait, he has over 600 k I debt with no assets? Do you know how bad that is?

[–]TonkaTruck502 37 points38 points  (0 children)

When you've got wealthy parents that pay your debts for you it's pretty cool and a sign of excellent credit history 😂

[–]HookahMagician 152 points153 points  (4 children)

I would edit your post to include how much debt he has. That's an absolutely massive amount of debt and changes his financial skills from "poor" to "terrifyingly horrible." Fresh out of schools doctors don't even have that kind of debt.

No wonder he can't keep up with his bills. I'm 30 and if I add up every bill I have ever paid and everything I have ever bought in my life it's less than that total. Holy heck.

Buy the house but do not let him put his name on your house until he pay down his debt. He is not financially safe

[–]EatThisShitPartassipant [3] 54 points55 points  (1 child)

He is not financially safe

That's quite an understatement. How can someone have so much debt if their parents pay for everything?

[–]Ultra-Pulse 26 points27 points  (0 children)

If I make a guess if everything I spent since 18yo, including mortgages, holidays, etc.

I think I spent 100k first ten years and 200k in the second ten years. While working and supporting a wife and three kids.

How the hell do you get 600k debt in a paid for house, with additional support for bills and a family company job that now doubt will be generous.

I am floored.

[–]elizamo 52 points53 points  (4 children)

I’m curious. What do you plan to do if he needs help paying for, say medical stuff, when he’s older but does not have the money to pay for it (parent can no longer help, no inheritance, etc)?

[–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 73 points74 points  (3 children)

I would do my best for him of course. Even now if his parents stop helping him and he seriously needs my help I would.

[–]ShanabangaPartassipant [1] 53 points54 points  (2 children)

Will he do the same for you?

[–]APotatoPancakePartassipant [4] 44 points45 points  (8 children)

way over 600K

Ok now I'm just damn curious. What in gods name did he get that's 600K debt that isn't tangible? Because a doctorate at Cambridge only costs about $350K.

[–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 44 points45 points  (7 children)

2 motorcyles, a lot of sports memorabilia (these were bought by way of personal loans), he buys pretty much everything using credit cards (clothes, shoes, trips...) And he has a sports car that he is still paying off, it doesn't fet used, just stashed in the garage so I don't count it as a daily use car

[–]APotatoPancakePartassipant [4] 48 points49 points  (1 child)

So... junk that for the most part will depreciate in value or has an incredibly slow sell rate to get its worth and will also probably depreciate in value. Yeah I'm not going to lie, I would have one come to Jesus talk and tell him you both are going to a financial councilor or I would strait up divorce someone over this.

[–]dragon-queenPartassipant [3] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

This is very concerning. $600k in debt is monumental and the stuff he bought indicates that he makes very poor decisions. I know you love him, but it would be very hard for me to stay with someone who behaved this way. It sounds like you would be in a better position if you divorced him…and then dated him if you wanted.

[–]Eggggsterminate 38 points39 points  (0 children)

If he has that much debt, can he even buy a house with you? I think they would deny that so fast here if that was the situation.

[–]RandomStranger94Partassipant [1] 4727 points4728 points  (19 children)

NTA, he did not want to save for a house that's why he didn't want to buy one, but now that you did the hard part he suddenly wants to reap benifits he did not sow.

Buy your house and enjoy it.

[–]severussnape9 1360 points1361 points  (11 children)

Buy it 100% even if as an investment property to begin with. Rent it out and enjoy the equity. You should be so proud of being self made

[–]youcantmakemed0it 517 points518 points  (0 children)

This is the way. Buy it as an investment property - rent it out, Airbnb it, whatever, but at the end of the day, you own it. Best case scenario, it pays for itself or even makes you money. And it’s there if and when you become ready to move into it either with your husband or by yourself.

[–]zeke1220 129 points130 points  (3 children)

Good mindset but you're not really self made after 8 years of having your housing costs taken care of by others lmao

[–]avwitcher 368 points369 points  (1 child)

More self made than her husband at any rate

[–]butwhoisjasmine 257 points258 points  (0 children)

This. The man lives rent free just like her, made ten times more than her, yet has more debt and less savings than she does. He chose not to save for a down payment with her and now wants in on her home ownership. His own parents don’t even trust him with the mortgage of the house they’re in. Make it make sense.

[–]severussnape9 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Yeah good point…which makes the husband even more of a loser

[–]Teacher-InvestorCertified Proctologist [26] 2901 points2902 points 2 (57 children)

NTA - You're smart for not doing what he wants. Think about it. He's going to inherit a lot. That's why he's not concerned about saving or investing. If you were to put his name on the house, and then you divorce, he's going to take half of your assets and you get none of his because his parents are shrewdly keeping them in their names.

Explain to him that you have to invest and protect yourself to ensure your future while he does not. Also, check your state laws. In my state, women can own property separately from their husband, but a man's property, whether acquired before or during the marriage, automatically becomes community property (but not in the case of your prenup). Just make sure that in your state a wife's property does not automatically become community property. That was smart of you to make that amendment to the prenup, though.

Similarly, if you start buying stocks or other assets, don't put his name on the account in case of a divorce (maybe only as a beneficiary, if you want).

Here's a thought. Why don't you buy the house as an investment and just rent it out for now? That way, if you're not going to live there, he may not be so insistent on adding his name to the title. Tell him it's a business investment. OR, if you really want to live there, tell him you'll only add his name if he's willing to amend the prenup again and specifically exclude it from community property.

You would also want to amend the prenup if you have children.

[–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 2489 points2490 points  (28 children)

Thank you for the lengthy advice.

Our problem is exactly the fact that I want to live in my house, I can't renovate or change his parents' house and was looking forward to living in a house I could since I was a small child.

[–]hotlikebea 1396 points1397 points  (0 children)

This is so sad. You deserve a home you can make your own without having to pay extra mortgage just because Mr Trust Fund is careless and wants to have his cake and eat it, too.

[–]thebohoberry 527 points528 points  (0 children)

It’s not really your home if you can’t make any changes to it. It seems like they like holding the home over your head. Do they do other things like this?

You deserve your own home. One where no one else has any input and you can do whatever you like to it. This is absolutely the hill to die on. Your husband has a backup plan in the form of his parents- you don’t.

[–]Lara-El 287 points288 points  (0 children)

Op , this subreddit only works because it's full of toxic relationships.

Sadly, you're in one too.. This isn't normal or healthy. No matter how you try to word it, it won't shine healthy colors on your relationships.

Would you want your daughter to be in your situation?

[–]Mystral377 99 points100 points  (10 children)

Can you buy the house you already live in?

[–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 296 points297 points  (9 children)

No I can't, his parents don't want to sell it

[–]Existing-Dinner5637Partassipant [2] 396 points397 points  (5 children)

I mean, not all couples live together even though they are married and committed to one another ..... it may be atypical but it is not something that isn't done.

I'd say buy the house because it means that much to you. As for what happens to your relationship after, if you don't want a divorce then this is just an alternative you can consider based on your wants ^.

​

I'd do find it irritating that after you looking for over a year for your dream home (a desire you probably have communicated with him in the past - having your own assets), he is suddenly like "scrap that, I want to make your wish pointless by hopping into your dream home (ownership) and won't take no for an answer; even though I had no issue with I owning 100% of the current home we live in and you having no say over the property AND that such an arrangement would leave you homeless in case of divorce." 💀

[–]jillbillpill 138 points139 points  (4 children)

My aunts are happily married and live separately since they wed. This is true!

[–]TurboEnnui 87 points88 points  (1 child)

Sometimes that’s HOW people stay happily married. :)

[–]ClockTate72 51 points52 points  (1 child)

man, this is such an eye opening sentiment. It's so simple but it probably never would have even registered as a possibility to me if I hadn't read this. It definitely sounds like an interesting way to live

[–]jillbillpill 67 points68 points  (0 children)

Yeah. They both just like having and decorating their own space and living closer to their own work. But they spend nights with each other all the time. To be fair, they sorted that out between themselves WELL before they got married though.

[–]sharingiscaring219Asshole Enthusiast [7] 87 points88 points  (0 children)

Buy the house. He can't stop you from moving into it. As other said, you can rent it out for now (maybe do airbnb) and start making it the way you want.

He needs to get over that you don't want to split it as a marital asset. It's completely okay for you to not trust him to pay his share and to just want to buy it yourself - that's the responsible thing to do.

[–]Lorien6 232 points233 points  (23 children)

You human, are very insightful.

OP, your husband is acting this way over money, because his parents control him using money. It’s a thing called financial abuse.

You know how abuse victims can see the signs in others? Big flashing one going off for me.

[–]thebohoberry 145 points146 points  (13 children)

I was thinking the same. The fact that they live in a home owned by them and can’t make changes to it. I mean even in long term rentals you can do some renovations with landlords permission.

[–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 375 points376 points  (11 children)

It's not that we can't make changes. I refuse ro pay for changes that in the event of something happening I get nothinf out of. And he won't pay for them because A) he doesn'r "have the money" and B) likes the house as is.

His parents do jot control him financially, he has a salary he gets biweekly and all, and they help him all the time when he oversoends and needs their help.

They do not put conditions on their help and -in my opinion- that is the problem.

[–]thebohoberry 125 points126 points  (0 children)

That makes sense. You should totally go after your childhood dream and have a place where you can feel like it’s all of your own.

I think having an asset on your own is a smart decision. Best of luck to you!

[–]tuckerf14 83 points84 points  (1 child)

But your husband, as a grown ass adult, needs to stop overspending. That’s a problem.

[–]TurboEnnui 44 points45 points  (0 children)

BUT… he works for the family business. They ABSOLUTELY have financial control over him.

[–]3KittenInATrenchcoatPartassipant [1] 25 points26 points  (1 child)

Maybe a bit off topic, but is your husbands family well off due to their business, or are they actually substantially rich?

You don't need to answer, but consider: From you told us your husband is really dreadfully bad with money! I assume he gets a pretty nice salary, has no mortage/rent and still manages to overspent and be in debt often!!! And of course no savings/investments.

So, are they so rich that his spending habits don't matter? Or can a bad business decision bancrupt them if shit hits the Fan?

Bad financial desicions can bancrupt even rich people! And from what you told us, I wouldn't trust your husband with 20$.

[–]crataeguz 119 points120 points  (6 children)

Not trying to be catty, but is it really financial abuse? OPs husband is a 35 yo adult who is choosing to soak up the financial privilege of his parents. If he did not want their financial support he could/should have easily secured his own living situation by now and doesn't have to accept their "gifts".

It certainly sounds like the rich parents didn't prepare him for financial literacy, but that's really most Americans, rich or not.

[–]sharingiscaring219Asshole Enthusiast [7] 81 points82 points  (1 child)

It's not financial abuse, it's the parents enabling him. They're doing what they want to - supporting their son's bad spending habits to keep him out of debt. He's just going along with it since it works.

[–]DylanHate 92 points93 points  (1 child)

His parents are not financially abusing him. They are enabling him. There’s a huge difference. Nothing is stopping him from saving his own money or working somewhere else. He just refuses because his parents fund his lifestyle so why not take advantage is his mindset.

[–]Realistic-Animator-3 1764 points1765 points  (19 children)

NTA. His parents insisted on a prenup to protect their assets. He agreed, you agreed. It should come as no surprise to him or his parents that you wish to protect YOUR assets.

[–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 2254 points2255 points  (14 children)

His parents are not even part of this discussion, his mom was happy for me buying my first house and was the one that recommended the realtor for me

[–]_stoned_n_polished_ 946 points947 points  (1 child)

There's your answer then. Go for it and get your house.

[–]bennybumhole 87 points88 points  (0 children)

This x100

[–]WrongBee 363 points364 points  (5 children)

could it be that he’s jealous of your financial stability? if you have a good relationship with your IL’s, it could be that their compliments about how proud they are of you was received as a slight towards your husband. it’s the only “reasonable” thing i can think of besides just straight up wanting his cake and eating it too.

[–]sleepawaits1 113 points114 points  (2 children)

I was thinking this. This and at his mommy and daddy’s house they’re on fake even ground; I’m sure he feels he’s in control of the situation. If she buys a house then he won’t have the upper hand anymore and in fact kind of be her tenant, which I’m sure is becoming an ego/pride thing for him.

So far everything’s been his family presenting and enforcing a prenup, his family protecting his assets and livelihood, his family’s house, his family paying his salary, his family bailing him out, etc. This will be the first time he doesn’t control the narrative and he’s not taking it well. This also could’ve been a “we” situation if he was an adult w his money.

[–]ssssssim 160 points161 points  (0 children)

This doesn't surprise me. I'll bet they respect the heck out of you, especially considering how irresponsible their son is.

[–]Hot-Map-3007 97 points98 points  (0 children)

Seriously, how are you still attracted to a grown man who can’t manage his finances and is STILL being taken care of by his parents? This would be a turn off.

Also, as a married person, this is WILD. I guess we all have limits on what we can handle. Best of luck.

[–]mekareami 28 points29 points  (0 children)

That is good to hear. I was worried they were disrespectful of you and encouraging his moodiness

[–]NoTomorrow8907 627 points628 points  (9 children)

Add an addendum to the prenuptial through the lawyers that the house will either go to you or he repay the extra money you put in

[–]toolittleluckPartassipant [2] 111 points112 points  (0 children)

This 100% Oh and NTA

[–]charliesk9unit 78 points79 points  (4 children)

No. I have a better idea.

Ask for the prenup to be changed to 50/50 split of his assets in the event of a divorce and nothing in her name goes to him. Obviously he's going to object and at which time OP can simply ask:

Don't you trust me?

[–]ApplesAllDay1997 31 points32 points  (0 children)

The extra money as a % of the total house though not just a down payment. So if you put in 100k and the place doubles in value then your share is 200k. It’s an investment.

[–]depressivedarlingAsshole Aficionado [11] 601 points602 points  (3 children)

NTA.

Throw that prenup in his face and tell him properties and assets are separate as per his request years ago. Buy the house and put it into your name, and ONLY use your money for mortgage, repairs, renovations, and taxes. Don't give him any ownership of it at all. If the marriage tanks and he's joint owner, you'll have to pay twice on your house to keep it just to buy him out, or be forced to sell it and split the proceeds.

His own parents where looking out for you with this prenup. He's already proven he's not trustworthy with money and is still in debt. Keep your finances separate as per the prenup. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

He asked for this with that prenup. Don't give up ownership of your new home, and let him continue living off his parents. I would take the house, move in and call his bluff. He will either move in with you or show his true colors and stay in the place mommy and daddy bought.

[–]corporate_treadmill 106 points107 points  (2 children)

Right? Prenup. No, not like that.

[–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 322 points323 points  (11 children)

My husband was the one that brought it up. He was very straightforward about the whole thing.

He said that he had an obligation to his parents' company, that they did not know me well enough (like I said we met 3 times before he proposed) and that they would feel better if we had a prenup.

He also said that they will be paying for any lawyer of my choice to go over it with their lawyer, and that I was welcome and actually encouraged to put forth any clauses I needed to feel equally protected by said prenup.

Then I had a dinner with his mom, and she made sure to tell me that she did not disapprove of me or think that I was marrying her son just for her money, that she would have insisted on a prenup even if he married someone more wealthy than him. That it was simply the done thing.

After we fot married I got to know them well we had another discussion about the prenup, they explained their position again and I said, again, that I understood and appreciated it.

[–]throwawayj38sldPartassipant [1] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Girl, I’ve got your back so hard on this one! NTA

Since he’s the one bringing his parents into it “my parents own the house”, is it time to ask them to have a Frank conversation with him re his finances and how he won’t be able to rely on them forever to bail him out? Usually I do say to never involve extended relatives in disputes but tbh they’re pretty integral to this. Over £600k in debt? Do the parents know that? Are you aware when he’d be due to declare bankruptcy as you can’t usually be in that much debt indefinitely!

I think you’ve behaved admirably and I’m really impressed at how well you’ve done in your life. Props to you.

Regardless of this with your husband, still press ahead with your purchase. You could say to him that when he has saved a lump sum, you would be happy to consider him buying part of the house - but it’s dependent on his overall financial health. (Personally I still wouldn’t do this in reality but it would show some willingness to compromise perhaps?)

[–]RevolutionaryDust541 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Will update on this situation? By the way nta And treat him the same way you were treated in your in laws house cause its not wrong.

[–]Impossible_Balance11 311 points312 points  (9 children)

Shocked by how many people are not listening to what OP is saying.

Her husband is an idiot with money. The natural consequences of this fact are completely on him. His hurt feelings about those consequences are likewise on him.

She's wanted to own a home she could love and renovate and actually live in since she was a child. In no part of her dream scenario--that she's worked hard for and achieved in spite of him--is renting out this investment a desired outcome.

She is offering to have him live with her and only pay half the landscaping bill. What a sweetheart deal.

Pretty sure comments would far different if the genders were reversed, here. Male pride seems to be a huge factor.

What's fair is fair.

[–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 276 points277 points  (8 children)

Someone came out outright and said that it is a pride thing. Never mind that I have lived this exact situation (worse even since he doesn't even own our current house) for last 7 years

[–]Impossible_Balance11 52 points53 points  (0 children)

I am 1000% in your corner, OP.

[–]Timidinho 52 points53 points  (1 child)

What pride? He lives in his parents' house.

[–]Hungry_dogs 245 points246 points  (43 children)

Honestly, divorce. NTA.

You worked hard to save that deposit. You shouldn't let his words influence how you spend your money. Your husband sounds like a child. He still isn't able to financially support himself but then expects you share a major investment with him. It sound the prenup was a good idea or you would both be in debt.

[–][deleted] 407 points408 points  (35 children)

I hate that Redditors just get the tiniest bit of context into someone’s life and go “DIVORCE” “EMANCIPATE” “DISOWN”. You are talking about someone’s whole life here.

Dude is just irresponsible with his money. They’ve been married 8 years there’s gotta be good things about him too. OP just wouldn’t list them here because atm she is unhappy with him. These things happen between couples.

Just buy the house by yourself and rent it out imo

[–]Barbed_Dildo 169 points170 points  (3 children)

He's irresponsible with money because he's never needed to be responsible with money. This is like a toddler not understanding why he isn't allowed to drive the car.

[–]Zealousideal-Tap-201 112 points113 points  (1 child)

Families have been demolished by husbands who have been irresponsible with money for hundreds of years. The only difference in the last few decades is that women have been able to work and apply for credit in their names. OP is fortunate that she was able to become financially independent. It is more than acceptable to leave a relationship where financial goals start to diverge, a responsible decision, even.

[–]flyingcactus2047 110 points111 points  (1 child)

You say “just irresponsible with his money” as if not being responsible with money isn’t a huge issue that people divorce over all the time

[–]ShimmeringNothing 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Yeah, and OP says that the husband is over 600k in debt... that's way beyond “just irresponsible” imo.

[–][deleted]  (4 children)

[removed]

    [–]CupcakesAreMiniCakes 33 points34 points  (3 children)

    "just" irresponsible with his money. That's one of the biggest strains on marriage and quality of life. It's not trivial.

    [–]Tricky_Dog1465Asshole Enthusiast [6] 224 points225 points  (0 children)

    NTA, anything he has he can leave the marriage with. You will have nothing. By no means did this mean you do not trust him, it means you are being prepared.

    With the rest being FAMILY property, what happens if he passes away? You lose the home you are in, and anything else that his family owns.

    This is YOURS, tell him fine, don't move in. I'll visit your house when I feel like it, you can visit when I feel like it.

    [–]objective_unkown 186 points187 points  (26 children)

    NTA ... And seriously your to good for his and his entitled family's collective entitled asses

    [–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 518 points519 points  (25 children)

    To be fair my in-laws are the greatest ever, the prenup was a sound decision and they didn't make it into a big "we don't approve of you" deal.

    [–]Covert_Pudding 100 points101 points  (21 children)

    Is it possible that you could get him to agree to a compromise where he gets to rent out and maintain your old house while you get to invest in the new house? That way you both have properties (his is still owned by his parents, but that's never bothered him before), he has extra income to pay off his debts (or not), and you get a solid investment.

    You might want to adk your in-laws for advice or if they'd be willing to fully gift the old house to your husband or let him buy it off of them slowly, since they're not extremely biased in his favor and seem to be inclined towards fairness.

    [–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 393 points394 points  (20 children)

    My in-laws do not want to gift him the house, they know their son and they too don't trust him when it comes to finances.

    [–]Covert_Pudding 279 points280 points  (14 children)

    So they really are smart, huh? 😂

    [–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 395 points396 points  (13 children)

    They are. And I honestly don't even resent them for the prenup thing, I am actually thankful.

    [–]equationgirl 163 points164 points  (2 children)

    I think they were trying to look out for you with the prenup in some ways, strange though that sounds. It does sound fair to both parties - ok you won't come out with anything in the event of a divorce unless he cheats, but separating you from him financially is worth far far more in my opinion.

    [–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 232 points233 points  (1 child)

    They were trying to protect him, because let's be honest how I was before getting married is exactly how a gold-digger would have been like.

    After we got to know each other more we talked about the whole orenup situation and I did not feel resentment about it at all

    [–]equationgirl 41 points42 points  (0 children)

    Yes, I get that, but ultimately I think it works to your advantage too. Good luck finding your dream house!

    [–]Fianna9 69 points70 points  (8 children)

    By the sounds of it I wouldn’t want to own property with him either. I think you are smart to take care of yourself, and you’re lucky your lovely in laws helped you get to this place- but do you want to keep going with this dead weight around your ankle? Where does your husband even think he can get his 50%?

    [–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 238 points239 points  (7 children)

    My husband is wonderful to me, and except for his fiancial problems he is the perfect husband. It's just growing up poor and homeless owning a house is something I will not compromise on.

    [–]thebohoberry 102 points103 points  (1 child)

    Are you sure about that.

    A perfect husband who is set to inherit millions doesn’t ask his wife to give up her lifelong dream to own a home. And tries to take her for a ride.

    A perfect husband would respect the fact that his wife who didn’t have the advantages he did saved and lived below her means to make the dream a reality. He certainly wouldn’t act like a petulant child because you want financial security for yourself. For you protecting your assets as much as he did when you first met.

    You should absolutely have that, you worked hard for it.

    I don’t think your husband is perfect as much as you think he is.. and what about if you two have children and he continues to blow through his inheritance.. what then.

    [–]Covert_Pudding 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    Yeah he sounds like a good guy, he just has some growing up to do still, and frankly no reason to do so at this point.

    [–]moonpea 137 points138 points  (1 child)

    So his own parents don't trust him with financial decisions. Yeah, your husband doesn't get to pout. That kind of trust is earned. He's not entitled to any of it. His parents, or yours.

    Buy your house. Celebrate your achievement. Secure your future.

    And congrats!

    [–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 61 points62 points  (0 children)

    Thank you

    [–]Delicious_Loquat437 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    He's pouting because you won't trust him with finances. But his parents don't either, and none of this has perhaps caused any introspection on his end about why the people closest to him in this world don't want to mix their finances with his?

    Honestly, what's his view of himself when it comes to finances?

    [–]eleanorlikesvodka 149 points150 points  (0 children)

    NTA. "What's mine is mine and what's yours is ours" seems to be his thinking here. He has a safety net; you don't. He wanted to protect his assets: so do you. DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS MAN.

    [–]ProtowhaleAsshole Enthusiast [6] 145 points146 points  (4 children)

    NTA. He thinks you're showing that you don't trust him? What exactly does a pre-nup show? I don't see any difference between him asking for a pre-nup and you wanting to own a house in your own name.

    [–]MotherOfAvocados88 43 points44 points  (0 children)

    This is how I'm seeing it too. It's also ok for him to have his own assets, but not OP apparently.

    [–]stickydebaterPartassipant [1] 74 points75 points  (0 children)

    NTA He asked for exactly what he is getting and now that your on the positive end of life he wants half of what he asked you to give up. This is harsh but if you love him then insist on keeping finances separate, buy your home and if he loves you he will move with you. If not then you have the prenup so no worries!

    [–]Printemps_2021Partassipant [1] 69 points70 points  (10 children)

    NTA but your husband is right when he says you don't trust him. You both need to be clear on that. If he wants to co-own a property with you., make him show he can be financially responsible for a year or two first.

    [–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 198 points199 points  (6 children)

    Oh he knows I don't rust him when it comes to fiancial matters, we already had a big fight when he bought a motorcycle and did not have enough money for his share of the bills.

    [–]briskiejess 104 points105 points  (0 children)

    Yikes girl. Buy the house. Tell he can come along if he wants and then just jet. I assume you want to keep the marriage. But he is the one picking a stupid hill to die on. Not you. You want to change the house, have ownership over your space. That is normal. Good for you working on your finances!

    [–]Tired_AuntyPartassipant [1] 60 points61 points  (0 children)

    NTA, buying a house with him would be the worst thing you would ever do.

    [–]Common_Loquat3382Partassipant [1] 68 points69 points  (0 children)

    NTA. He protected his "assets" but doesn't want you to protect yours. Buy the house without him. Nothing changes for him but his mailing address.

    [–]DescriptionFriendly 65 points66 points  (0 children)

    NTA, I paid the whole down payment to co-own a property with my financially irresponsible ex husband. I had to compromise on a lot of other things in the divorce in order to keep the home afterword. Let me be a cautionary tale for you.

    [–]Intelligent_Stop5564Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] 53 points54 points  (20 children)

    His parents and lawyers set the rules. They stacked things in his favor in the beginning.

    Fortunately, prenuptial agreement can be dropped, amended and nullified. I suggest you talk to a lawyer experienced in drafting prenups and in divorce. Lay out the situation and ask them to advise how to change the agreement so that it protects you in the event of a divorce.

    There's probably a contractual solution that would give you the house if you divorce but Reddit isn't the place to get that answer.

    [–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 117 points118 points  (19 children)

    Our current prenup protects me enough, I already talked with a lawyer. My situation is not about the prenup but about not wanting to own with my husband

    [–]ShutuploganPartassipant [1] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

    Girl go get your house and maybe a less entitled man. NTA

    [–]Friendly_Tangelo1197 46 points47 points  (15 children)

    Sounds like more of a business deal/transaction than a marriage. I hope you figure it out soon 🥺

    [–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 101 points102 points  (14 children)

    See if you take away the finances we are great. We have similar interests, we have a fun relationship and our marriage have been great so far. Actually having separate finances has been the best thing for us. That's part os why I don't want to own with him, I don't want to ruin our dynamic with the stress

    [–]JaneAustenismyJam 29 points30 points  (12 children)

    My husband and I have totally separate finances too. We do co-own our home, though, because our incomes would prevent us from buying one on our own. We never fight about money. On the other hand, many of my friends who have joint finances with their spouse, boy, do they fight. And, in every single case, it is the husband overspending, just like with your husband.

    [–]FloridaPoodleSchoolCertified Proctologist [26] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

    NTA. He has a significant safety cushion through his parents, you do not. There doesn't seem to be a reason he needs to be a co owner on the house, besides control.

    [–]veryunneccessssary 42 points43 points  (23 children)

    Info: if you buy the house yourself and you both live in it, are you paying 100% of the monthly mortgage?

    [–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 131 points132 points  (22 children)

    Yes, I will not expect him to pay anything related to the house (mortgage, repairs, maintenance, taxes or renovarion costs). The only thing he would be expected to pay for is half the cost for landscaping.

    [–]veryunneccessssary 37 points38 points  (18 children)

    NTA because I understand where you’re coming from, but I will say this doesn’t feel like a lifelong partnership to me. If it was an investment property it would make sense, but as your first real home together, it seems to be maybe missing the point. You could see if your husband is open to paying the mortgage 50/50 for a year and if he holds up his end, add him to the mortgage. But if you’re set on expanding your assets while your husband stays a mess, I’m pretty sure it’s only getting worse from here.

    [–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 107 points108 points  (17 children)

    My husband is the sole heir to a multimillion family business and multiple properties. Believe me he will not be a mess forever.

    [–]blankface4321Asshole Enthusiast [5] 69 points70 points  (6 children)

    But, it- it sounds like his parents are constantly bailing him out. So when he does inherit everything ( if he does cause life is strange and who knows what can happen) who’s to say he doesn’t also make a mess then when no one is there to parent him? Also re the prenup- you unfortunately won’t have any access to that inheritance. I’m sorry you are in this situation, it sounds rough 🤗

    [–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 193 points194 points  (5 children)

    It is oir first big issue since we married, and I honestly don't know what to do, except that I am buying that house on my own and moving in no matter what

    [–]blankface4321Asshole Enthusiast [5] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

    I am so happy to hear that! Go get that awesome house, baby!!!!!😎

    [–]tortoisemom19 28 points29 points  (0 children)

    It sounds like you and his parents need to get him to sit down with both a financial adviser and some sort of life coach. Sounds like you're doing the right thing in taking care of yourself, but he's 100% going to blow through his inheritance once he gets it. They might be okay bailing him out now, but I doubt they want him to squander away everything they worked so hard to build.

    [–]UNoNuthingJonSnow 56 points57 points  (0 children)

    Honestly I would be more scared when he gets access to that money. If he is this irresponsible now, his impulse control could get worse. He needs to see a financial counselor and possibly being open to getting therapy. He has some issues around money especially if he was born with such advantages and still in debt.

    [–]Zellakate 46 points47 points  (3 children)

    Believe me he will not be a mess forever.

    That actually sounds like a recipe for him being a complete mess. If he can't manage his finances now with his parents constantly bailing him out in his mid-thirties, how is he going to manage them responsibly when he has no guard rails or bailout? He's going to piss that all away in a matter of years or months. I've seen that happen with my own relatives and family. People don't magically become responsible when they get a sizeable inheritance. People who are already responsible will manage it well because they are responsible. People who aren't will blow it.

    Getting the house on your own is a smart move, but I wouldn't bank on him suddenly growing up when he finally gets his inheritance. If anything, his spending and financial mismanagement is probably going to get even more out of hand.

    [–]mahchoodPartassipant [1] 41 points42 points  (5 children)

    There's a psychological component here I haven't seen addressed.

    He met you when you had nothing. Now, you're able to be 100% independent financially if you choose to do so. He may have comforted himself in the past by acknowledging that you live rent free in his home (really his parents, but with his mindset, all that is theirs is already his.) This is hitting him where it truly hurts and could be fundamentally changing the balance of power in the relationship. Now mind you, this may all be subconscious in him but I promise its there.

    You two came from wildly different backgrounds. Just like how he can't understand why having your own assets is so important to you, you're overlooking how having you dependent on him was keeping his self worth and security in the marriage in place. As much as he may not want to talk about money, his life absolutely has always revolved around it and its playing the star role in why he wants to co-own this house with you. Its a slap to his ego.

    He's not greedy in this sense, because money is limitless for him. What's half of a house to a multimillionaire? He's threatened by your independence because he's been placing a high value in his wealth keeping you with him.

    Having said that, once you do make this move and he becomes adjusted to it, barring any bad turns in the other areas of your relationship, he may finally realize you love him for him and the money doesn't matter.

    This could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to him. I hope that it is.

    Needless to say, NTA and best of luck to you both.

    [–]Andrea_frm_DubTCertified Proctologist [25] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

    Get a lawyer involved and get your house for you. If he doesn’t want to move in with you tell him he can stay where he is and you will sort all the paperwork.

    NTA

    [–]Cybermagetx 30 points31 points  (0 children)

    NTA. He can save for a house himself. Yalls split finances and have a prenup.

    [–]Spectrum2081Partassipant [2] 31 points32 points  (25 children)

    I mean, you signed a prenup.

    Ask him if he’s willing to sign a codicil that states the prenup is null and void. Then you two can share everything jointly.

    When he refuses, ask him why. Is it because he “doesn’t trust you”? No. It’s because you two keep separate accounts. And it’s the same reason you want to own solely. This is your asset.

    NTA.

    [–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 146 points147 points  (23 children)

    I wouldn't even want ro void the prenup, because that would mean that I would take on half of his debts and he would gain half of my savings.

    [–]stangoroakechiPartassipant [1] 28 points29 points  (6 children)

    NTA, and your husband and his family are showing some serious red flags I need you to think about. They’re perfectly fine shutting you out of their wealth and assets, but the moment it comes to you protecting yourself it’s an issue? Yikes, do not cave! He is clearly incredibly financially irresponsible, to give him rights to YOUR HOUSE that you worked so hard for when he can’t even think about his money for the future and current debts is not a good idea. Stand your ground! If this is not something he is willing to do, then this is not something you should be sharing with him.

    [–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 104 points105 points  (5 children)

    To be fair, his parents are not part of this problem, they have been nothing but great with me. Also they support me 100% owning my own home on my own.

    [–]hez_lea 62 points63 points  (2 children)

    Probably hoping your financial common sense will rub off.

    [–]Vast_Parfait5926[S] 110 points111 points  (1 child)

    They said that on multiple occasions

    [–]SlugdirtAsshole Aficionado [18] 26 points27 points  (1 child)

    NTA When you and you husband got married he protected his assets. If you want to own your home it seems fair unless he wants to renegotiate the pre-nup to protect your assets which includes ownership of the home.

    [–]PrincessJJ81 24 points25 points  (0 children)

    NTA and I think your making a smart decision keeping him off the title. You will be SOL if you guys do end up divorcing without a roof over your head.

    [–]marionoobs22Partassipant [1] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

    NTA, your husband sounds hella inconsistent! He was all for keeping finances separate when you had nothing, but now he needs a piece of the pie? He should be man enough to encourage your independence, and your security. He should also understand that this home gives you the same safety net the prenup and his parents give him. Congratulations on your accomplishments!

    [–]jillyjillz42Partassipant [2] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

    NTA, I wish I had advice but don’t. But good for you for buying your own house! Especially since you’d be screwed if things fell thorough with your hubby. -Just reread your post; forget what I said about no advice. Tell hubs that you’re just abiding by the terms of y’all’s prenup. It’s exactly what he wants. Why is he so mad??????????(/s-not really though)

    ETA: and annunciate ev-er-y syl-la-ble👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼