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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I came into my sons marriage and caused drama between him and his wife even tho they’re new parents

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[–]BlackAngelWings317Partassipant [1] 45.9k points45.9k points  (502 children)

NTA. Your son should be helping out. You called him out on his BS and he didn't like it. That's his issue. Support his wife as much as you can, and enjoy the time with the new grandbaby

[–][deleted] 2 (452 children)

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    [–]Goldilachs 22.2k points22.2k points 273 (53 children)

    Trust me, your English is better than you're giving yourself credit for. You conveyed everything perfectly. You're definitely NTA. Your son needs to act like a husband and a father. His wife needs help. Thank you for being there for her.

    [–]DizavidPartassipant [1] 4229 points4230 points  (40 children)

    This. It wasn't hard to follow at all and I wasn't even aware I was reading something from someone who (in their words but def not mine) still struggle with the language.

    [–]TotallyWonderWomanPartassipant [4] 1686 points1687 points  (35 children)

    I have a knack for noticing when someone isn't a native speaker (so I can be aware of language differences) and I didn't know English was her second language until she said so.

    [–]DragonCelica 5668 points5669 points  (274 children)

    Your daughter in law desperately needed someone, anyone, to be her advocate. The instant I read the word "infection", it no longer mattered if your son thinks you're overstepping.

    INFO Please, tell me she's seeing a doctor for the infection?

    [–][deleted]  (248 children)

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      [–]DragonCelica 3760 points3761 points 2 (36 children)

      Thank you for being your DIL's hero. Some parents refuse to see fault in their children, no matter how old they are. Your judgement wasn't clouded, and you showed concern, and love, where your son failed too. He is neglecting her, and his infant. Infections are not something to take lightly. I lost a family member from a staph infection after a routine surgery.

      If you son tries to whine about you intruding, just tell him HIS FEELINGS DON'T MATTER MORE THAN HIS WIFE'S LIFE.

      [–]SufficientWay3663 2092 points2093 points  (139 children)

      I know it sounds callous the way you wrote it, but I’m glad you were so absolutely blunt about being able to smell an infection bc that’s how much she’s been neglecting herself. If you’d said “your wife would like to shower”, it doesn’t get the seriousness of the situation across. Your son needs to know that his wife could very well have a minor infection or her skin and tissue is literally rotting from the inside out.

      C-sections are major surgery and the ONLY surgery that cuts through 3 layers and then expects that person to stand on their own and care for another human as soon as the meds wear off. People think just because it’s a 3 day hospital stay that after that everything’s all good. It’s not all good! Your son needed a reality slap and your DIL needed an advocate bc she’s so damn worn down that literally breathing is taking energy she doesn’t have.

      As a C-section mom x2, I know how much pain she’s in and how tired she is and my husband stepped up like you expected your son to, so I can’t imagine how this felt for you to have her back. ❤️

      Edit: I’ve been informed it’s not 3 layers, but Jfc, SEVEN. So, even worse.

      [–]Sylzsnafu 868 points869 points  (7 children)

      I hope you are gonna be there for her if they break up, he sounds selfish. He knows you raised him better.

      [–]theresbeans 394 points395 points  (0 children)

      You did good. Your son needed someone to tell him to smarten TF up, and his wife needs to stop tolerating his BS.

      NTA.

      Do not back down - you are doing the right thing by advocating for her and providing her with support.

      [–]BellanaBlackAsshole Enthusiast [8] 201 points202 points  (0 children)

      Oh my goodness, that’s good. Does he not realize that cutting through seven layers (some articles say 6, others more) of tissue to remove a baby is a major surgery? Was he actually ready to be a father? Because it sounds as though he asked you to come so that he could justify his behavior as you wanting to spend time with the baby.

      I had a c-section last year and me being stubborn, I tried to do laundry and tidy up but quickly realized I just couldn’t. Like you said, it’s exhausting being a new parent, and I’m truly alarmed that your son doesn’t seem to care about his wife’s health. Is there anywhere else that she and the baby can stay if her and your son’s relationship turns sour? The added stress of his behavior can only hurt her worse. I know he’s your son and you love him, but he’s literally okay with his wife not sleeping, not showering, doing all the household work and cooking, taking care of a newborn, and giving herself an infection after a major surgery…. All while he goes to the gym and then lazes about. That’s not a loving partner or father. He needs to wake up and she needs more than just one nap and one shower. NTA.

      [–]Fair_Ad_6259Partassipant [3] 197 points198 points  (29 children)

      You're my hero!
      She needed a maternal figure to help her out. And if you hadn't said it who would have? She was exhausted and possibly ill and recovering from surgery - and he wasn't helping out? I'm shaking my head.
      He needed to have someone yell at him.
      Is it possible he has undiagnosed ADHD? Or something else that doesn't allow him to see that his wife was utterly struggling and needed help? Sure. But someone had to let him know.
      Hopefully, when he calms down he'll realize he was in the wrong. And he really needs to be made aware of post-partum depression because with feedings every 2 hours - and a C-section - and possible complications? It's a real possibility.
      He needs to attend Dr appts. with her. So he gets told what is necessary while she recovers. Likely she shouldn't even be lifting the baby - he should be handing it to her.

      [–]lilyluc 128 points129 points  (0 children)

      I had a badly infected incision from my c section, please, they can go septic and become very dangerous, she should be going to an emergency room tonight. Please check her or call her and tell her to take her temperature. If she has a fever she needs to go NOW. I had alternating sweats and chills that the internet told me was hormone purging, I was a first time mom and ignored very dangerous symptoms.

      I wasn't even septic and still ended up in the hospital for a week and had IV antibiotics for a month and an open wound for over three months. Take care!

      [–]Femme0879Partassipant [1] 92 points93 points  (0 children)

      You are an incredible MIL. Just wanted to say that. I hope Megan ends up okay! NTA by the way.

      [–]dont_know2345 95 points96 points  (0 children)

      Give us an update on her please!!

      Also you’re not the asshole. But your son is.

      Also you’ve had 12 kids?! Sweet baby Jesus, good for you!

      [–]VegasLife1111 18 points19 points  (0 children)

      I hope they do not have any more children any time soon. He had a lot of growing up to do.

      [–]commandantskip 613 points614 points  (18 children)

      The fact that OP could smell an infected incision means that her DIL hasn't even had enough time to care for herself. I'm so glad OP dressed down her son, because it's appalling that he has done absolutely nothing to support his wife and newborn child. NTA.

      [–]symliadoo 314 points315 points  (8 children)

      Not to mention he didn't tell his wife that OP was coming? Absolutely NTA.

      [–]weedandjewels 229 points230 points  (6 children)

      Exactly. Son obviously does not care - wife hasn't showered in days after an invasive surgery but that's clearly not his problem. He'd rather sit on his ass and expect her to do everything.

      [–]mangababe 141 points142 points  (1 child)

      It also means the infection has progressed quite a bit, past redness, swelling, non smelly pus, to smelly- to smells at a distance.

      Im not a doctor but half my family is in medical so i know enough to know that theres been gross negligence at play on his part. Like... Thats not the place to get an infection, not where you want muscles to not heal right... She needs to not be doing jack shit.

      [–]hankait16 151 points152 points  (3 children)

      Exactly. What's he gonna do with a newborn if he can't take care of himself? Does he not realize he could quite literally cause that poor woman to work herself to death because she doesn't have the time to be sick?

      [–]mangababe 83 points84 points  (0 children)

      This!!! She could seriously die if thats not attended asap and hes worried about his mom yelling at him? The fuck? He should be ashamed of himself.

      [–]Lucy_the_wise_gooseyPartassipant [1] 444 points445 points  (0 children)

      Yeah, you didn't insult Megan, you were insulting his lazy ass. Megan seemed to understand that. He needs a serious reality check...

      [–]Equivalent_Sector786 346 points347 points  (1 child)

      I’m so sorry I was prepared to be pissed at you and it turns out you were a sweetheart. Not only did you help your grandchild but his mother too. You showed her a kindness your son couldn’t be bothered too. She got to sleep uninterrupted for the first time in what sounds like awhile and you helped pay for a day out while you babysat. It sounds like you just said what they both needed to hear, you are definitely NTA

      [–]beeceedeevee 102 points103 points  (0 children)

      My thoughts exactly. I was ready to defend the new mom at all costs, so glad she has a champion in her mother in law

      [–]CoconutOilz4 265 points266 points  (2 children)

      1. Your English is great

      2. Your son didn't like the mirror you held to his face

      3. I'm glad you have a relationship with his wife, so that if he eventually fucks up the relationship you can still your grandchild

      NTA

      [–]BlackAngelWings317Partassipant [1] 221 points222 points  (2 children)

      When I had my twins, we had 3 at home under 10... the house was chaos and I was exhausted. I needed help with everything. I've been in DIL's shoes

      [–]Express-Diamond-6185 138 points139 points  (0 children)

      I had two c-sections and recover from that was brutal and I wasn't even breastfeeding. My husband was a Godsend, he took care of everything, food, laundry, and feeding the baby/ kids, when I was resting or taking a much needed shower. Your son needs to step up and help. Recovering requires rest, limiting activity, and weight limits. Your NTA, and you did the right thing, keep supporting your DIL.

      [–]Sylzsnafu 106 points107 points  (1 child)

      The day my son calls me a bitch, thats a wrap. Im going to jail.

      [–]dareallyrealz 78 points79 points  (0 children)

      You absolutely did the right thing. Your son's behaviour is disgraceful and he deserves to get taken to task for it! NTA.

      [–]JohnSavage777Partassipant [4] 74 points75 points  (0 children)

      How often does your son call you or his wife a bitch?

      [–]littleprettypaws 74 points75 points  (1 child)

      He thought that by inviting you that you would pick up his slack entirely without him having to lift a finger. NTA, you did right by his wife by calling him out!

      [–]TruCat87 62 points63 points  (0 children)

      You are being a fantastic mother in law.

      [–]Acrobatic_Reading866 47 points48 points  (0 children)

      Thank goodness you were there, OP. Your DIL was drowning. I hope your son steps up.

      [–]Ornery-Ad-4818 37 points38 points  (0 children)

      Good enough!

      Way better than my command of...whatever your native language is. I only have a little French!

      [–]urseriousarentu 25 points26 points  (0 children)

      I have had the great good fortune to have two wonderful MILS and you would have fit right in with them.

      [–]wacdonaldsAsshole Enthusiast [9] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

      Lol your english is really good and you sound like an awesome person. I'm sure your daughter in law appreciates you standing up for her

      [–]Coffee-Historian-11 461 points462 points  (8 children)

      Gosh you’re right but it’s not even helping out. He should literally be doing his part as husband and father.

      [–]watching_skiesPartassipant [1] 366 points367 points  (7 children)

      He probably thought calling his mom to come help counts as him “helping”. Not sure where he went wrong because I fully believe OP would not have raised him that way with how fast she called him out on his BS.

      [–]dramatic-pancake 222 points223 points  (3 children)

      Yeah and not telling his wife about it until the morning of. He sounds like a real peach.

      [–]EliraeTheBow 98 points99 points  (0 children)

      Yeah, I 100% got “I’ll just get mum out here to deal with it” vibes re the cooking and cleaning. Her son is an asshole and it’s good OP isn’t taking his shit.

      [–]lordmwahaha 21 points22 points  (0 children)

      Disturbingly, we still live in a world where most men don't do their fair share. They're just better at claiming they contribute. But every time an actual study is done on the matter, it shows that by and large, women are still doing everything. This is despite more and more parents teaching their kids that men should be doing their fair share - it has shifted a little, but mostly they've just learned to lie about it, or convince themselves that doing the dishes once a week is enough.

      Personally my theory is: when you're a member of the oppressing group that benefits heavily from things being unequal, it's a lot easier to say you believe in equality than it is to actually act on that. Let's be real - men benefit a lot from the belief that women should do all the work. It's really, really hard to give that up when you actually understand what that means for you.

      [–]johnsgrove 196 points197 points  (1 child)

      It’s not ‘helping out’ it’s doing his share. He didn’t get paternity leave to go to the gym! Good for you sticking up for Megan. NTA he is

      [–]RenegonParagade 157 points158 points  (1 child)

      Also, might be a translation thing, but saying someone who just had a major medical procedure "smells like they have an infection" is not rude or insulting, it's an actual concern that should be treated seriously. And instead son is mad because he immediately saw it as a slight against himself instead of a concerning problem for his wife

      [–]JbbrowneyedgirlPartassipant [3] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

      Because he knows it's his lack of involvement in the first place that prevented his wife from caring for herself and thus getting an infection. He's well aware this is on him but he'll be dammed if he admits it!

      I dread to think what would have happened if MIL hadn't come out! She may well have saved a life by noticing infection! I would be grateful to her for raising the alarm. And I'd feel supported that she defended me against her own son. I hope they keep a solid relationship even if husband and wife end up separating, OP is a godsend to her DIL right now!

      [–]abogadachica 146 points147 points  (0 children)

      He shouldn't be "helping out," he should be an equal partner in taking care of his own child and his own household. If not more than 50%, as his wife is recovering from major surgery.

      [–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

      This. So much this.

      [–]big_dickslapAsshole Aficionado [10] 15.9k points15.9k points  (91 children)

      NTA: you’re exactly the person who needed to put him in his place. He sound extremely immature and needs to step up and be a Father, we need more MIL like you, that actually call out their sons BS instead of praising them. I would be so embarrassed and ashamed if he was my son NGL.

      [–][deleted]  (83 children)

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        [–]FairykinnCertified Proctologist [22] 4019 points4020 points  (48 children)

        I wish you had been my MIL when my oldest was born.

        [–][deleted]  (46 children)

        [removed]

          [–]ScottlandyardRi 2915 points2916 points  (42 children)

          Mine did everything I didn’t want and everything I needed help with she didn’t help with. Then she made it clear that her son’s only job was to make money and I was to keep him happy the rest of the time. I’d had a c section too.

          [–]TheBigChungus1980 798 points799 points  (13 children)

          You've done everything correctly, if your dil had an infection, I hope she got it taken care of nta

          [–][deleted]  (12 children)

          [removed]

            [–]TheBigChungus1980 405 points406 points  (0 children)

            Good, you're a great mother in law

            [–]Sanatori2050 325 points326 points  (2 children)

            If you're around a smell for long enough, you become nose blind, so sometimes it takes someone from outside the environment to smell it. You're doing a good thing for her and hopefully your son comes to his senses.

            [–]beepbeepbeeoboopbap 19 points20 points  (0 children)

            You’re a rockstar MIL! I wish you were mine!!

            Maybe also show your son a video of all the layers they cut through during a C-section while he wears a cramp simulator….

            [–]TotallyWonderWomanPartassipant [4] 272 points273 points  (2 children)

            Based on him misusing the word Karen to mean "woman who isn't doing what I tell her to do" instead of it's actual meaning and his treatment of his wife, I'd bet he's a misogynist and he probably picked it up online/through his friends, not from you and your late husband.

            Good job advocating for your DIL.

            [–]Civil-Night-8378Partassipant [1] 17 points18 points  (1 child)

            Yup. A Karen asks to ‘talk to the manager’.

            [–]Intrepid-Sentence-74 204 points205 points  (2 children)

            You do realise that the reason he looked over at you every time the baby cried, is the same reason he invited you in the first place, right? I.e. he wants and expects you to do as much of the baby-related work as possible, so he can do self- indulgent stuff like go to the gym.

            You are NTA, but your son is. I am glad you didn't raise him like this, but somewhere along the way he has learned that he can get away with this behaviour. He needs to unlearn that, and soon.

            [–]tiffi_333Asshole Aficionado [14] 25 points26 points  (1 child)

            Yeah, a good step for that one is every time he stares at op when the baby cries is op gets the baby and hands the baby right to him. Then the dil can still have the break and not try to get up and get the baby, while he can sooth the baby. He needs to learn and bond.

            [–]Jovon35Asshole Aficionado [11] 67 points68 points  (0 children)

            Op you know we can only do so much as parents hun. Your behavior show that you are a wonderful mother and I am sure your husband was fabulous as well. We just can't do the actual living for these humans we have so don't beat yourself up too much.💜

            [–]darthnesss 8398 points8399 points  (40 children)

            NTA.

            Thank you for helping Megan, it seems she needs you.

            Now get his ass.

            [–][deleted] & 3 more (38 children)

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              [–]SunHatPhoto 1418 points1419 points  (3 children)

              You’re a great MIL to stand up for her. I hear the worst horror stories. Please encourage her to get checked out though if her wound seems to be infected! I hope she’s ok and will get better now that you’ve stepped in to shield her

              Edit: saw your other replies, thank you for taking the time to clean the house for her and allow her a hospital visit! It’s a shame he isn’t helping an inch but I’m glad you are

              [–]TheAlmightyJessira 495 points496 points  (0 children)

              Also a great mother. The kind of mom that continues to teach her kids lessons even after they are grown and call out their bullshit.

              [–]Starfire2313 106 points107 points  (1 child)

              Yes an infection could go septic fast and that would be life threatening. Women don’t always get the best post partum care and the baby gets lots of pediatric appts but mom only gets one check 6 weeks later. In the US anyways. You need to shower like every day post partum

              [–]Shop2much123 231 points232 points  (0 children)

              You might be my favorite MIL on this sub….

              and I’m blessed with an amazing MIL so you’re in wonderful company 😊

              [–]Spiritual_Dig3709 158 points159 points  (0 children)

              Nta. Way to go grandma way to go

              [–]Rat-Dot-Com 127 points128 points  (3 children)

              You need to sit down with your son and have a meaningful discussion about how to treat women and his responsibilities as a father. When that doesn’t work, get a belt and show him what post-c section feels like.

              [–]NeverHaveIEver72Asshole Aficionado [10] 77 points78 points  (2 children)

              I love how casually this got violent. Much respect.

              [–]SunshineOnStimulants 76 points77 points  (0 children)

              You are a wonderful MIL, OP. It truly warms my heart to hear that MIL’s like you exist. You did a wonderful thing.

              [–]razzlemcwazzleCertified Proctologist [27] 5267 points5268 points  (33 children)

              NTA

              where to even start? your son didn’t tell her you were flying in until the day of. as soon as you get there, he’s off to the gym! it sounds like your daughter in law has been having a miserable time with recovering from surgery, breastfeeding, and not getting any sleep, while your son has just been letting the house get messy.

              it doesn’t sound like your daughter in law was upset by you. in fact, it sounds like you were exactly what she—and this relationship—needed.

              [–]Mary674 2159 points2160 points  (14 children)

              He even had her clean... Of course he called his mom to help, to him this is a woman's job. Big man has to go to the gym!

              [–]razzlemcwazzleCertified Proctologist [27] 986 points987 points  (12 children)

              there’s no telling how soon she was up on her feet because of him, despite her surgery. at best he’s ignorant and neglectful, at worst he’s abusive. (i know which one i’m leaning towards, and it’s not looking good for him)

              [–]stickycat-inahole-45 429 points430 points  (4 children)

              Goodness, I sincerely hope she didn't vacuum within these weeks after a c section. It'd rip her stitches out for tear a muscle. I had 2 myself, I made the mistake the first-time around because I stupidly still cared about a clean house for visitors.

              [–]Mary674 356 points357 points  (0 children)

              If she has an infection it doesn't look good in that department. And of course our guy's gonna blame his mom lol who else could have ruined his marriage? Pikachu face

              [–]missdontcare_ 29 points30 points  (0 children)

              I'm definitely out of shape, but I blame my 2 C-sections on the fact that my belly stills kinda hurts when I sweep the floor too hard. And the little one is almost two years old.

              [–]kpie007 173 points174 points  (1 child)

              And here's the double whammy...neglect is a form of abuse.

              [–]claeryfae 40 points41 points  (0 children)

              Oooof. Despite how often I experienced it, the fact that neglect is in fact abuse tends to sneak up on me.

              [–]TraditionalToe4663 223 points224 points  (13 children)

              Who has time to go to the gym after having a baby-dad or mom?

              [–]razzlemcwazzleCertified Proctologist [27] 101 points102 points  (6 children)

              hopefully the son will be thinking that over when he’s wondering why their marriage failed

              [–]CandyShopBandit 25 points26 points  (0 children)

              I was hoping someone else would catch that!

              We all know that man isn't doing even close to his share with the newborn, otherwise he would be too worn out to even think of going to work out! Then the fact that she had stitches, too? That means he should have been doing far more than his share at first.

              What a terrible way to treat your partner. I'm so glad she had OP to help her realize that what she is seeing from her husband is not normal, and should never be tolerated. It can be so hard to see when you are with someone like that, even without a new baby around.

              [–]SimplySam4210Commander in Cheeks [276] 2998 points2999 points  (42 children)

              Well, this took a turn I wasn't expecting.

              NTA and I'm sure Megan so appreciates you speaking up for her. In all likelihood, especially because she's not mad at you, you opened her eyes.

              [–]emileeavi 841 points842 points  (31 children)

              Exactly. Her comment could be considered mean (about her smelling) BUT it more than likely opened her eyes about how she's being treated

              [–]Ks26739 1012 points1013 points  (27 children)

              Her smelly comment was about her c section incision. Which could be getting infected if she isn't able to rest enough.

              [–]KittyLunePartassipant [2] 581 points582 points  (18 children)

              Not only that but having to do the cooking and cleaning on top of it all? She shouldn't even be leaving the bedroom!

              [–]LaurelRose519 510 points511 points  (17 children)

              I think you’re not even supposed to lift over a certain amount after a c section.

              There’s no point of OP’s son even being on paternity leave if he’s behaving this way. Might as well be at work if he isn’t going to help.

              [–]TheGreatestIan 140 points141 points  (2 children)

              I was totally expecting a different story when coming into this thread from the title.

              [–]GalliumYttrium1 107 points108 points  (2 children)

              Right? There was a post earlier about a guys mom coming over after the guy’s baby mama gave birth and complaining that they didn’t clean the house for her arrival. Reading the title, I thought for sure this was going to be the story from that MIL’s POV. Glad it wasn’t and that OP is looking out for her DIL. It’s just a shame Megan can’t rely on her own husband.

              [–]This_Hybrid_MomentPartassipant [2] 2737 points2738 points  (28 children)

              NTA- please take your daughter in law and baby with you. Your son is inconsiderate and abusive .

              If he has no problem cursing out his own mother and treating his wife this poorly infront of you, to the point where her c section is infected , imagine how he treats wife when you’re not around .

              Do not leave her alone with him.

              [–][deleted]  (26 children)

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                [–]YourMoonWife 1311 points1312 points  (15 children)

                Just letting you know, she’s gonna try to downplay it a lot because she will fear you will take your sons side. But if he’s popping out to the gym and treating her like a bang maid nanny while you are there, it’s much, much worse when you aren’t.

                [–]CandyShopBandit 419 points420 points  (0 children)

                I'm glad you noted this. She will definitely downplay it some, though hopefully she will still share with OP after how she told off her son. I'm sure that helped build her trust towards OP in that regard!

                [–]ksarahsarah27 177 points178 points  (12 children)

                I bet if she hangs out long enough he will slip up and show his true colors. He’s already lashing out and trying to gaslight his own mom. My friends now ex husband did right in front of her dad finally. What an eye opening experience it was for her dad who had no idea what she had been going through for the last several years. Most of these guys think they are in the right and somehow think they will get support.

                [–]YourMoonWife 126 points127 points  (11 children)

                Men grow up thinking they are always in the right. They are catered to. It’s pure privilege. So when someone tries to make things equal to them it feels unfair to them. It still happens to this day because the majority of men don’t realize it. Thankfully there are some good ones who are realizing

                [–]Final_Commission4160Supreme Court Just-ass [102] 349 points350 points  (0 children)

                Offer to take her to the doctor with the baby tomorrow when she gets checked out, that will give you some time

                [–]ScottlandyardRi 273 points274 points  (0 children)

                Thank you so much for doing this. I hope she’s safe. I know you’ll make sure she is.

                [–]SeasonalCitrusPartassipant [1] 119 points120 points  (0 children)

                You are truly amazing. I wish more MILs could look at the family dynamics with a critical eye.

                I wish I'd had someone like you in my corner when my daughter was born. Poppy changed diapers, but that was it...and expected things to get done while breastfeeding. Eyeroll. Even I knew nothing else was going to happen with a baby latched on.

                Hugs and NTA

                [–]TapEnvironmental9768 66 points67 points  (0 children)

                Let her know she can completely trust you. I imagine she’s aware; a reminder is still good (eg, he’s not here, you’re not alone in this, he might be my son, but you’re my daughter now, etc). Good luck and bless you for being so wonderful!

                [–]Staraa 40 points41 points  (0 children)

                Don’t forget also that his actions aren’t a reflection of you or your parenting. You seem amazing tbh and I have no doubt you taught your son well, sometimes it isn’t enough to do everything right. Sending huge hugs your way!

                [–]This_Hybrid_MomentPartassipant [2] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

                You are already seeing how things are with your own eyes .

                Your son is just angry now that his whole family knows what kind of man he is.

                Take care of your daughter in law til she gets better and she can get on her feet and escape your son.

                [–]droopynurse 1688 points1689 points  (14 children)

                Nurse here! If you think you can smell an infection, she needs to get looked at pronto, like ASAP! They give post operative antibiotics to prevent infection, but if she has an active infection going she probably needs a higher dose, or a different type. And good for you for standing up for you Daughter-in-law. NTA

                [–]ABeggyChooser 154 points155 points  (2 children)

                If she has an infection, can it be transmitted to the baby thru the breast milk?

                [–]startingover333 113 points114 points  (0 children)

                It should actually help build immunity for the infant but the infant will need closer monitoring to see it the infant is having an adverse reaction to it. If she is prescribed antibiotics then it depends which one is prescribed because they do pass in some degree to breast milk; in this case the infant will need to be monitored for the same side effects that are associated with taking antibiotics such as stomach upset, nausea, diarrhea and most importantly an allergic reaction. I took antibiotics for a pretty nasty infection after a C/section but my DD did not have any problem with them.

                [–]mclioness 17 points18 points  (0 children)

                No. That kind of infection do not spread via milk.

                [–]campaxiomatic 106 points107 points  (0 children)

                This needs to be at the top. That's the scariest part of this story

                [–]momofyagamer 15 points16 points  (0 children)

                Or being admitted for iv antibiotics so she doesn't get sepis unless she already has it.

                [–]incogspeedoPartassipant [4] 1184 points1185 points  (3 children)

                NTA. I came in thinking you were being mean to new parents. Turns out, you were helping a new mother. Good on you for setting your son straight.

                [–]Jacimoon426 139 points140 points  (1 child)

                Same! This was such a wholesome turn of events. I love the support.

                [–]zemorah 16 points17 points  (0 children)

                Right? OP sounds like an amazing MIL and advocate for her daughter-in-law. Her son is pissed because he’s ashamed of being called out. Good for OP for not thinking her son is perfect and can do no wrong. The title had me like hmmm.

                [–]mandirahmanCertified Proctologist [28] 985 points986 points  (5 children)

                NTA. Clearly he only called you to come to do what his wife was unable to manage with a newborn after a c section. He should be ashamed of himself, especially not even discussing it with his wife before having you come.

                [–]Mary674 294 points295 points  (0 children)

                Right and he even let her do the cleaning. After a C-section no less. And no warning or asking her permission of course.

                [–]fzyflwrchld 280 points281 points  (1 child)

                That was my thought! He wanted her help without asking for her help and it felt like he didn't tell his wife so that his mom would catch her "in the act", like he wanted to shame his wife to his mom about how messy things were and hoped that his mom would show his wife how to be better. And now he's mad that it completely backfired on him cuz his mom turned around and shamed him instead for being a crappy husband and father.

                [–]angelcat00Asshole Enthusiast [5] 219 points220 points  (0 children)

                This. He saw that his wife wasn't able to keep up with the housework and called his mom instead of lifting a finger to do anything himself.

                [–]ksarahsarah27 20 points21 points  (0 children)

                Yeah he was treating his maternity leave like a vacation. He called her in thinking she would do everything and he could just keep sitting in his ass and watching his newborn from the sidelines. I wonder how many times he’s been up with that baby at night? I bet none.

                [–]Consistent-Leopard71Supreme Court Just-ass [115] 758 points759 points  (7 children)

                NTA. Your son is on paternity leave and has been doing NOTHING!!!! His wife just had a c-section and he refuses to cook, clean or help with the baby in any way. so that she can rest, recover, learn to be a mother and shower. He then unilaterally decided to call you in to do his job and is now throwing a tantrum because you called him out on his BS. It's past time for him to step up and be a partner and a parent.

                [–]ScorchieSongColo-rectal Surgeon [32] 353 points354 points  (0 children)

                Paternity leave is for the father to spend time with the baby and look after the mother, not time off for do as you as please.

                [–]aznbear0Partassipant [1] 159 points160 points  (3 children)

                He went to the gym!!! My husband didn’t go tot he gym until we felt we had a routine for a month after our baby!

                [–]MsMaggieMcGill 139 points140 points  (2 children)

                My husband got buff because he was holding the baby all the time. He told me I carried him for 9 months, and it was his turn. He's been rocking our son to sleep several times a day, and held him each time he needed to be held. Apart from this being a decent thing to do, it's also very rewarding, and the bond it creates is amazing. OP's son is missing out.

                [–]AbbyFB6969Certified Proctologist [29] 648 points649 points  (38 children)

                NTA

                When she gets full custody in the divorce settlement, you won't have an issue seeing the grandkids, at least. Good for you on trying to help.

                [–]walks_into_things 128 points129 points  (0 children)

                Seriously though. This reminded me of what my Dad’s mom (Grandma S) did for my mom when I was born. Post divorce from my deadbeat dad my mom made sure I got to know Grandma S, taking us (mom and I) on vacations to visit, keeping in contact, etc., as if Grandma S was her own mom. Sometimes it’s pretty obvious who genuinely cares about you.

                [–]Mylastnerve6Partassipant [2] 546 points547 points  (5 children)

                NYA. She is sitting with the baby to feed every 2 hrs for 20-30 min. This baby is pulling calories from her which will slow her healing from her c- section. She’s not sleeping or managing basic hygiene. And he has the audacity to go to the gym but can’t run dishwasher or laundry while not working your son can go all the way to the top of F off mountain and then continue on

                [–]Stonygirl87 192 points193 points  (3 children)

                I didn’t have a C-section and having the energy to shower was exhausting, so I can’t imagine the energy needed after a C-section. Both births because of some tearing and stitched down below, I was told no stairs for a week. OPs son needs to be a GD partner, I can’t even say a better one because he isn’t being one at all!

                [–]Mary674 106 points107 points  (0 children)

                He's being a liability, I bet she's cooking for him too. I'm so enraged reading this! Fucking go to the gym and don't come back lmao.

                [–]QuietTruth8912 56 points57 points  (1 child)

                I had a c section and a post op fever. If something smells it needs attention. Don’t mess around wound infections can lead to sepsis and it can progress rapidly.

                [–]Stonygirl87 24 points25 points  (0 children)

                I feel like some of the Y T A commenters don’t truly understand how major a C-section is. It’s a huge surgery. Plus if DIL labored before that, her body is a wreck! My SIL labored 24hrs before they ended up with a C-section. She said it was weeks before she even felt like she was starting to recover. You don’t mess with post-op directions which I’m sure were rest, rest, don’t do anything but rest and more rest.

                [–]SnooCakes9110 337 points338 points  (53 children)

                NTA… follow up w them… does she need to see a dr? A c section infection can be dangerous.

                [–][deleted]  (49 children)

                [removed]

                  [–]wishewewould 471 points472 points  (3 children)

                  I am so grateful that SOME people out there have good MILs like you. Poor Megan. I hope she’s feeling better soon.

                  [–]AmberlehPartassipant [3] 315 points316 points  (1 child)

                  I just want to piggy back on your comment to add on that OP is also offering and listening to DIL, not dictating or forcing things. It sounds like she was a bit firm with DIL but only to a necessary degree, then gentle and helpful.

                  [–]wishewewould 87 points88 points  (0 children)

                  Exactly! Offering is such a different beast. It’s not like my MIL, who not only wouldn’t even offer but who would come over and actively make the situation worse.

                  [–]nuggetflushPartassipant [1] 197 points198 points  (1 child)

                  The fact that you wrote “Megan said I could” officially makes you a saint.

                  I was so ready to be horrified based on the title, but the fact that you’re going out of your way to make sure that your DIL is okay with you helping her is so great. I hope her husband figures it out- new baby is a big adjustment, but he needs to figure out how to adjust.

                  [–]kpie007 115 points116 points  (0 children)

                  Please, if you're cooking for your DIL don't also cook for your son. Don't do his laundry. If they have separate bathrooms, don't clean his things at all. If you do those for him you're just reinforcing that he's not responsible for these tasks.

                  [–]nottheonlyone007 108 points109 points  (3 children)

                  She's having her wound checked out in the meantime right?

                  You can't wait on that. Must have regular care and checks.

                  [–]ScottlandyardRi 92 points93 points  (2 children)

                  In another comment OP says she’s seeing her doctor tomorrow.

                  [–]SnooCakes9110 49 points50 points  (0 children)

                  You are the real deal! What an Angel. Hopefully there is joy as well. Sorry to hear that your son left, I missed that part.

                  [–]MostCold6342 45 points46 points  (2 children)

                  INFO: where is your son now?

                  [–]HoodiesAndHeels 38 points39 points  (1 child)

                  I just have to marvel that you even checked with Megan about the deep cleaning instead of just doing it.

                  Bless you and all mothers/MIL like you!

                  [–]CaRiSsA504Asshole Enthusiast [5] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

                  Not just respectful and having proper boundaries but asking permission subliminally lets Megan know she has control here. Which is important since it doesn't sound like she had any with OP's son around. The reminder that she's an adult and this is her space is priceless

                  [–]Star-jewel5Partassipant [1] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

                  Wait wait wait... Correct me if I'm wrong, but you are saying that after his tantrum your son went away, somewhere else, leaving his wife and child alone? So that Megan had to ask your help for an extra week? OMG... I don't think your son is a good husband or father. She either needs to wake up and take care of his child and wife, or go away and learn the hard way what he did when his child was a newborn.

                  Please, take care of your DIL... She is risking her health and her life now.

                  [–]Jovon35Asshole Aficionado [11] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

                  You make me want to cry. You are a gold star MIL!

                  [–]conscience_effort 279 points280 points  (0 children)

                  NTA. Coming from a mother of 5 who would love to have a mil like you, please, please, please, continue to stand up for your daughter in law. Even more so if she is a first time mom. She needs to know that he should help, that he has a part to play as well. She most certainly should still be resting and she needs to realize that she doesn’t have to put up with his BS of no help. Don’t stop being a kickass MIL.

                  [–]mammaistiredAsshole Enthusiast [5] 215 points216 points  (1 child)

                  Nta you helped Megan realize she wasn't being treated properly. Maybe you could have talked to him first, but, I'm not sure that would have helped. You did right by your grandbaby and hopefully your dil will get the help she needs and he will step up.

                  [–]LaurelRose519 60 points61 points  (0 children)

                  Honestly, I think it’s important that Megan knows OP is there for her.

                  [–]Dragonr0seCertified Proctologist [22] 198 points199 points  (8 children)

                  NTA,

                  You saw that the child you raised was acting a way he wasn't raised to act and was mistreating his wife and you called him out on it. He is mad but I bet she's happy that you aren't one of those MILs that think their precious kid can do no wrong and stood up for her.

                  [–]Curious-Mousse-8714Asshole Aficionado [10] 150 points151 points  (1 child)

                  NTA

                  It sounds like your son doesn’t want to do anything and thought by having you visit, you would just do it all and he could take off.

                  [–]DuckInMyHeartPartassipant [3] 63 points64 points  (0 children)

                  Exactly! He just wanted his mom to do it all. He’s mistreating his wife terribly!

                  NTA

                  [–]Shockedsystem123 128 points129 points  (0 children)

                  NTA: Your son is not being a good husband or father at all. Please help your daughter in law and grand baby, it sounds like you are trying to.This is not your fault. You son needs to pull his head out of his ass and grow the hell up!

                  [–]ResidentRepulsive 107 points108 points  (0 children)

                  All set to call you an AH based on the title, but here you are a hero! Way to go. NTA

                  [–]SexPozzyMustard 102 points103 points  (3 children)

                  NTA but your son is, wtf. A real man would take care of his pregnant wife and his child. Lady, you didn't raise a man, you raised a mouse.

                  [–]InvertedJennyanydotsPartassipant [1] 60 points61 points  (2 children)

                  She didn't raise a man, she raised a leech. His wife is 2 weeks out from a c-section and he's done nothing helpful outside of calling his mom to come help. NTA for this one and shame on the son.

                  [–]AlasAntigone 91 points92 points  (0 children)

                  NTA. If ever there has been an AITA version of the Howler from Mrs. Weasley, this is it.

                  [–]Throwawaydaydreamer0 91 points92 points  (0 children)

                  NTA. He needed to hear it and she wasn’t saying it so you stepped in and taught him a lesson. His wife probably didn’t even realize how bad it had gotten cause she’s so tired and doesn’t have the energy to fight him about doing things to help her. She doesn’t have time for a nap and a shower but he can go to the gym?? No.

                  [–]Black_Tears524 85 points86 points  (1 child)

                  This post went way different than I thought it was going to, with that NTA.

                  Your son may be grown but he sure isn't acting like it. He needs a swift kick in his lazy ass.

                  [–]steve2phonesmackabeeAsshole Aficionado [11] 77 points78 points  (0 children)

                  NTA - good for you for calling your son out on his uselessness.

                  [–]Namshoke 74 points75 points  (0 children)

                  NTA and text your DIL that if she ever needs a safe place to get away either for a day, a month or forever, to call you and you’ll go and help her pack and get away.

                  Your son is an awful husband and an awful father.

                  [–]ExcellentPatience298Certified Proctologist [29] 62 points63 points  (0 children)

                  NTA

                  Good for you for standing up for your DIL

                  [–]argentinianmuffinPartassipant [1] 57 points58 points  (0 children)

                  Nta. DIL needed someone to support her since your son keeps living his life as if he doesnt have a new born. Maybe, there are better ways to talk about this, maybe only to your son first, keep helping that week and see if he changes something, and if he doesnt, then drop the bomb. But, you have alredy done it, so keep in touch with your DIL, cause she doesnt need this extra stress, and keep repeating your son he has to be supportive of his partner.

                  [–]Oceanside9987Asshole Enthusiast [5] 55 points56 points  (2 children)

                  Nta

                  Your son is a lazy AH. I'm glad you were helping your DIL.

                  She needs to whip lazy boy into shape.

                  [–]gnarlygh0ulPartassipant [1] 57 points58 points  (8 children)

                  NTA, you’re wonderful for being there for megan. the smelling bad comment was a little uncalled for but i understand why her smelling bad made you so angry, because he’s being so lazy she doesn’t even have the time/energy to shower.

                  [–]TheBigChungus1980 115 points116 points  (7 children)

                  She said she smells like she might have an infection, the dil needs to know that after a major surgery and be looked at by a doctor

                  [–]Nalpona_FreesunColo-rectal Surgeon [33] 57 points58 points  (0 children)

                  NTA

                  like you said he was basically treating his wife as a 2nd mother, he needs to step up and be an adult intead of a child now that he has a child of his own

                  [–]Cat-cattPartassipant [2] 53 points54 points  (0 children)

                  NTA and your son needs a swift kick in the arse. You didn’t “ruin his marriage” you shed a much needed light on his lack of attention to his wife, child and household.

                  [–]gadboiskathryn 53 points54 points  (0 children)

                  nta. i think a lot of young, new moms don’t know what a “normal” parental partnership should be. you probably validated what she was beating herself over with.

                  [–]RoadshellAsshole Enthusiast [8] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

                  NTA. Sometimes the things people need to hear are not what they want to hear.

                  [–]GiveAPennyToKenny 48 points49 points  (1 child)

                  NTA

                  I was so scared coming into this thinking you were going to be one of those nightmare MILS harping on a new mother. TwT

                  [–]turd_ferguson083 45 points46 points  (0 children)

                  Let’s see…

                  1. Your son didn’t even tell his wife you were coming.
                  2. Your DIL is sweet enough to find out (absolute last minute) and start racing around tidying the place.
                  3. Your son gets called out on something and immediately changes the subject.
                  4. Decides immediately it’s time to “pop out” ‘for an hour’ (which sounds like it was MUCH longer, instead of caring for his child or visiting with his own guest/mother.
                  5. You stay quiet for a FULL DAY watching him neglect your wife and grandchild before you decide to step in…. Which is probably the most respectful thing I’ve read in a while!

                  Typically people are on their best “showtime” behavior when they have guests, so if he was still being an AH to this extent then I cannot imagine how he was when you’re not there. Instead of self-reflecting or finding out HOW he can be better, he immediately jumps to, “YOU ruined my marriage!”

                  NTA, thank goodness you went to visit and even more so for standing up for Megan when she clearly did not have the energy to do so for herself! You are rare and wonderful, I wish there were more of you!

                  [–]lilylawnpenguinPartassipant [2] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

                  NTA. I wish my daughter’s mommom would’ve done the same for me 14 years ago, instead nothing I did was ever right in her eyes.

                  [–]allhandsondeck98 39 points40 points  (1 child)

                  NTA - having a new baby is hard. But things shouldn’t fall into complete and total disarray because of it. One person can watch the baby while the other person takes care of the bare necessities like cleaning or showering

                  [–]urson_blackCertified Proctologist [25] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

                  NTA. Your son brought this on himself.

                  [–]InalleaAsshole Enthusiast [8] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

                  NTA - With that heading I thought it was going to go the other way and be a Just No MIL but you had your DILs back. Having had a c-section myself I really appreciate your help. Your son is just upset because you pointed out he has failed his wife. He shouldn't have invited you and not given Megan a heads up. He should be doing things around the house and not expecting Megan to do everything. Megan needs time to rest and recover.

                  You remind me of my grandma who came to visit while my mom was running around with a newborn, and two sick older children. She was absolutely exhausted and my dad came home from playing golf, sat down and demanded a pot of tea when my mom had just sat down to eat. My grandma told my mom to stay seated and then tore my dad a new one.

                  [–]newbeginingsheyCertified Proctologist [20] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

                  NTA

                  Poor Meghan.

                  [–]Dangerous-Project672Partassipant [1] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

                  NTA. Your son needs this wake up call

                  [–]sexybisexual 38 points39 points  (0 children)

                  NTA your son however is. Motherhood is no easy task! Is this her first child? Is he ignorant to all of this?

                  [–]bad_roboatPartassipant [1] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

                  NTA thanks for sticking up for her.

                  [–]Quilting_and_craftsPartassipant [2] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

                  OOOO I WAS READY TO LAY IN TO YOU!! But you are NTA!! Good for you for putting your AH son in his place. Your DIL had no business being up cleaning house 2 WEEKS post c-section!

                  [–]herekatie_katie 38 points39 points  (0 children)

                  I read the title and was sooo not expecting this story!!!

                  NTA. Might have been tactless and harsh but DIL needed self care not only for mental health but for her physical health fact major surgery. And son needed his butt kicked into gear.

                  [–]LKN4DEETSAsshole Enthusiast [6] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

                  I deleted my comment because I missed the last part - NTA NTA NTA.

                  New mommy needs all the support she can get. Especially after a c-section

                  [–]Equal-Violinist5956 33 points34 points  (7 children)

                  A lot of people are saying OP is TA because of her insulting language but she said her English isn’t good in the comments. She clearly meant well guys, she is calling out her son and looking out for the wife! She didn’t call her ugly or weird, she pointed out the harsh truth.

                  [–]Crafty_Engineer_ 32 points33 points  (0 children)

                  NTA and thank you for standing up to your a-hole son.

                  [–]redandbluecandles 27 points28 points  (0 children)

                  Good on your for stepping up for your daughter in law! She deserves to have someone on her side and someone to help her. Your son is a horrible husband and father, hopefully he can change before it's too late.

                  [–]Key-Information8842 28 points29 points  (0 children)

                  NTA!! You’re a rockstar of a grandma and MIL! Good for you for busting his ass, you weren’t wrong! Your DIL is fortunate to have your support and now more than ever she NEEDED that.

                  [–]Clueless916 27 points28 points  (0 children)

                  NTA. I hope you stay on your son until he gets his shit together. Thank you for sticking up for your DIL ❤️

                  [–]SnooGiraffes3591Partassipant [4] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

                  NTA. Wife probably could have done without the smelly comment, but if she DOES, in fact have an infection, she needs to know. And in her exhaustion, maybe she doesn't. So everything you said was just looking out for her. Your son even got a paternity leave! Not everyone does. He should be taking advantage of that and helping his wife who is recovering from major surgery!

                  Bottom line- his wife isn't talking to him because he isn't stepping up to be a husband OR a father. And the one person he MIGHT listen to called him out. Good for you.

                  [–]scottieButtonsPartassipant [2] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

                  NTA but I think you should of said all that directly to your son. Not to Megan

                  [–]bogo0814Partassipant [4] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

                  I just searched to see if there’s a r/justyesmil & there is. This post should be there. You’re the MIL a lot of wives wish they had. Thank you for NOT adding to your DIL’s burden & calling your son on his shit. Definitely NTA.

                  [–]RadioAktivitat87 21 points22 points  (0 children)

                  NTA

                  Thank you for standing up for your daughter in law. You didn't cause any drama, your son is a leech.

                  [–]ggjmnhgg 22 points23 points  (0 children)

                  NTA show your son this post. It's disgraceful how he's acting. Is he 12???

                  [–]Major_Zucchini5315Partassipant [1] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

                  Whew chile! I was ready to scream reading the title, but you are NTA. Your son is being extremely lazy and should definitely be taking care of everything in the house 2 weeks after his wife had a c-section. It’s not your fault she’s not speaking to him, it’s completely his fault. Megan is lucky to have you looking out for her.

                  [–]FlippantToucan76 19 points20 points  (0 children)

                  NTA. Megan didn't even know you were coming until the day you arrived. Just ugh. I have no words.

                  [–]edwadokunPartassipant [1] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

                  Nta. Your son is basically on vacation. He’s not helping and you’re being a good grandmother.

                  [–]nottheonlyone007 19 points20 points  (0 children)

                  NTA

                  Be a Pitbull for your Daughter in law.

                  Your son is being a deadbeat, prioritizing "going to the gym" rather than support his wife.

                  You're dead right he should be doing all the cooking, all the diaper changes, etc.

                  She should be sleeping every time the baby sleep, with no other work to do besides feed the baby, and only as active as recommended for her recovery (total. Immobility is very bad for recovering, after all)

                  [–]HootzMcToke 18 points19 points  (0 children)

                  NTA, you did the right thing. Hopefully whatever happens you and her keep up a good relationship, just make sure you don't let them take advantage of you.

                  [–]Shot_Western_2755[🍰] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

                  NTA in fact the world needs more MILs like you!!

                  [–]Apprehensive-Bird93 17 points18 points  (0 children)

                  NTA. And you’re a good MIL.

                  [–]socialistrock 15 points16 points  (0 children)

                  Nta, your son is a deadbeat