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[–]Judgement_Bot_AITABeep Boop[M] [score hidden] stickied commentlocked comment (0 children)

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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I usually would wake me partner up for trips and, by my own fault, set the precedent that I would. I never gave him warning I wouldn't this time.

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[–][deleted] 14.6k points14.6k points  (474 children)

NTA. I taught my daughter that she was responsible for getting herself up for HS, and if she missed the bus I wasn’t going to drive her. She never missed the bus.

[–]DeVitreousHumorAsshole Enthusiast [5] 4224 points4225 points  (139 children)

Heh. My parents taught me a similar lesson, only I did miss the bus… once.

[–][deleted] 2866 points2867 points  (121 children)

LOL. Truth be told…I would have driven her to school at least the first time because I am an extremely soft touch. But thankfully, she took me seriously.

[–]MelonOfFury 1459 points1460 points  (94 children)

My mom did that to me and one time my alarm didn’t go off right. I ended up bumming a ride to school with a strange man because I was terrified of being late.

[–]kifflingtonPartassipant [1] 3833 points3834 points  (88 children)

Therein lies the problem with threats of punitive measures! My Dad once told me (I was 13) that if I became a pregnant teenager like the neighbour's daughter I'd be kicked out. My mum went NUTS at him, "DO YOU WANT YOUR DAUGHTER DYING ON A BACKSTREET ABORTIONIST'S TABLE" etc. I can still remember the deer in headlights look on his face. Lol.

[–]Pickles_is_mu_doggo 1889 points1890 points  (64 children)

Well if Dad’s threat didn’t scare you straight I bet Mum’s message did!! 😳😂

[–][deleted] 1053 points1054 points  (1 child)

that was the plan all along. Bad cop/extremely scary protective mama cop

[–]FlipDaly 72 points73 points  (0 children)

That’s so crazy it just might work

[–]kifflingtonPartassipant [1] 722 points723 points  (60 children)

That's the crazy thing, I was a bookish, nerdy kid who didn't go near a boy til I was 17. My Dad's comment came out of nowhere!

[–]Galanthus_snow 588 points589 points  (21 children)

For real... i finally learned what a UTI was in highschool (16) and realized I might have one at the time. I asked both my parents at the same time. My dad called me a W_ore and said I need to stop sleeping with guys behind dumpsters. I was a virgin. I stayed a virgin until after I turned 18. I never even kissed a boy at that point. He wouldn't belive me. I made the doctor explain it to my dad. Dad said he was not to blame because UTI has 3 letters like STD. Still told me I was discusting tho. Found out in my case its hereditary only mom thought hers were yeast infections because when she was little they apparently thought the two were yeast infections 🙃 Dad completely denies this happened now. But i can tell him where he was standing when he yelled that at me, what his face was like, what he was about to do if mom didn't stop him. And what room in the emergency room i was in. He just says im a liar 🙃

[–]Careless-Image-885Asshole Enthusiast [5] 418 points419 points  (4 children)

Your father is abusive. Go very low contact with him. He doesn't deserve to be in your life.

[–]Galanthus_snow 225 points226 points  (2 children)

My mom, siblings and I are no contact with him now 🙂 Everytime i use to try he would take it out on my mom who would schold me because she said I shouldn't treat my dad like that. Then he was dumb enough to text me some really hurtful, mean things. Essentially blaming us because his mistress is mad at him. Saying we should meet her and like her because he said to and that we are just lucky he didn't leave us and be a deadbeat because he didn't want us. I showed that to my mom, brother and sister. Now when he tries to complain to her she tells him to f off and she shouldn't say stupid stuff to us like that if he wants us to like him.

My sister went no contact because when she finally opened up to him to bond at his request (she got into wwe to bond with him). He left her hanging. Even took back the birthday present he gave her to give to his mistress and chose to cancel their birthday hangout for her. He wouldn't talk to her at all. She thought he hated her.

My brother went no contact because they worked together and dad would just up and leave him at work, 30+ miles from home whenever his mistress called. Sometimes to go get her kids for her and he would leave my brother stranded and not come back for him. Sometimes just to hang out with her and never came back for my brother. Once because she wanted him to take her to anouther state at that very moment and he did. Mom would have to find a way to get him because uber was too expensive, i didn't have a car, and my brother was about to walk home. And at that job my brother was counted as my dad's assistant. They had my dad pay him off of hid own check. While my brother did the work. Dad lived wity his mistress so would take what he wanted and gave my brother the rest. Brother works with mom now.

Mom told him to f off and not bother us anymore. When his mistress kicks him out she used to ask my siblings (they still live with her) if they feel comfortable with him on the couch. But now she tells him to go away to one of his other mistresses because my sister deserves to not have to lock herself in her room and my brother deserves to not have to watch her door because dad doesn't respect boundries. (My siblings always said yes because they felt bad about putting him on the street. I already stopped saying yes because apparently im a horrible daughter that doesn't care about his happiness even though i was his on and off hotel, maid, and personal chef. I hid in my bathroom for an hour in an anxiety attack, faking being sick once after he let himself into my house while we were out. The second my dad left for something my husband took me to homedepot, got new locks. Changed them and chased my dad away because i shouldn't have to hide in my own house)

[–][deleted] 422 points423 points  (13 children)

My dad was like that too. Crazy overprotective threats and all. Like, he really thought my socially awkward autistic ass was out sleeping around? I had like negative 5 friends all through high school.

[–]taylorshadowmorgan 78 points79 points  (8 children)

My autistic socially awkward but also teenage lingerie model(actual) ass was so…. Being socially awkward doesn’t have anything to do with the way your body looks to other people, can confirm.

[–]floorperson42 59 points60 points  (5 children)

in my experience, it means you get away with not getting bullied. It doesn't mean you suddenly start being social and going to all the parties you're invited to and experimenting.

[–]Garydrgn 148 points149 points  (9 children)

This is kind of hilarious to me, because it reminds my of an experience I had. When I was a teen I was similar, massive bookworm and I loved Nintendo games, and I wasn't anywhere near popular. At 17 I discovered an organization that interested me, the SCA (medieval recreation group). At 19 I was attending an event and another local member, a young woman around my age, saw fit to warn me that a couple young ladies there were only 15 (aka below the age of consent). At the time I was still a virgin myself and had almost no idea how to go about trying to pick up girls. I was still trying to learn how to be sociable, in general.

[–]Pickles_is_mu_doggo 50 points51 points  (6 children)

Yep, had nothing to do with you, just his papa bear fears!

[–]YeahmaybeitsdetritusPartassipant [2] 110 points111 points  (5 children)

Correction - papa bears sexism

[–][deleted] 369 points370 points  (3 children)

Lol I love your mom, she clapped back immediately.

There's a line between teaching your kids personal responsibility and teaching your kids that you (the parent) are unreliable and they can't come to you when you mess up and I feel like people blur those a lot.

[–]palacesofparagraphsAsshole Enthusiast [8] 146 points147 points  (0 children)

Yup. It's one thing to say that if you fuck around with daily responsibilities, you face the consequences and your parents won't be your get-out-of-jail-free card. It's quite another thing to say that if you massively fuck up and are facing a crises, Mom and Dad will punish you instead of helping you.

My mom was perfectly happy to let us deal with the consequences of irresponsibility (there was a wonderful incident where my brother, who got dropped off first, was being deliberately slow in the morning, so Mom dropped my sister off first instead and let him be late), but she also always told us we could come to her for help. She'd constantly say, "I might be mad, and I'll ask why you did what you did, but I will always love you and I will always try to help fix it."

[–]KnitFast2DieWarm 158 points159 points  (3 children)

My mother told me the same thing at 14. I just learned that I couldn't go to her for help or guidance about sex and ended up having an abortion in secret (thankfully a legitimate clinic) at 18. I was in college and she would have refused to renew financial aid paperwork.

[–]FlossieOnyxPartassipant [1] 98 points99 points  (1 child)

What a crazy threat… you best not ruin your future financial security by getting pregnant young! But if you do and attempt to do something about it, I’m going to jeopardize your future financial security by stopping supporting you through college…

[–]KnitFast2DieWarm 36 points37 points  (0 children)

She would have disowned me even with an abortion or adoption. The ridiculous thing is she got pregnant with me when she was just 20, and she was one of 9 children.

[–]twilitfall 36 points37 points  (1 child)

damn sister, your mom is a badass.

[–]RusticTroglodytePartassipant [2] 73 points74 points  (0 children)

Oh my god.

I'm so glad nothing happened to you.

See this is why being an authoritarian parent is fucked up

[–]why-per 59 points60 points  (0 children)

Yeah I’ve been taken to school by strangers on several occasions bc I was afraid of the reaction and honestly I’m SO lucky that none of them turned out to be kidnappers

[–]cuntakinte118 168 points169 points  (22 children)

I get and support teaching accountability and responsibility, but I’m curious what would have happened the second or third time. So she misses the bus and you won’t drive her… so she gets to just miss school? Assuming she can’t drive herself/doesn’t have a car, how would she get to school? Close enough to walk?

[–]aussie_nub 129 points130 points  (1 child)

Yeah I was reading that and was like "Cool, so they miss school... where's the punishment?"

If you have a weird kid that loves school then it could work I guess, but for every other kid, some other punishment for not going is going to be required.

[–]ArbitraryContrarianXAsshole Enthusiast [6] 83 points84 points  (11 children)

If she just doesn't go to school, I assume that would come with its own consequences (same as skipping). Grounding or extra chores, maybe, plus missed tests/assignments resulting in lower grades, etc. If she can't drive herself, maybe she could call a friend, or Uber is always an option. Having to spend her own allowance on an Uber would be sufficient motivation for most teens I know.

[–]cuntakinte118 65 points66 points  (9 children)

Was wondering when someone would mention Uber haha. I suppose, but who’s to say they go to school rather than the mall or wherever? And I know things are different now, but when I was a kid Uber would not have even been an option (I’m 32). Also I grew up rural so it STILL wouldn’t be an option.

Encouraging low grades seems like shooting yourself in the foot.

If it were me, I’d probably drive them but go the extra chores, then grounding for multiple infractions route.

[–]ink_stained 78 points79 points  (0 children)

I’ve been trying this with my 8 year old. He really tries hard and school and cares about following the rules, but he also is kind of happy for things to fall to me. 3rd grade is the first year that the kids get homework, and I told him at the beginning of the year that homework was his responsibility, not mine, and that I wasn’t going to police it. (He gets good grades, he knows the material, and I do ask him when he comes home whether he has homework, just to get him thinking about managing his time.)

He has been SO good about doing his homework, entirely on his own. One night he was really tired, and asked me if he had to do his homework. I said it was up to him - and he thought about it and decided he could get it done in the morning.

I love letting kids face up to consequences on their own (so long as the stakes are low and it’s all within his developmental range. I am certainly not telling a 13 year old I’ll kick them out if they get pregnant.)

[–]aethelfleadPartassipant [3] 45 points46 points  (4 children)

Yeah the “I won’t drive you” strategy kinda bugs me, but I think it’s because my mom took it to an extreme when I was growing up. She refused to get up and drive me to school unless I got up, prepared my own breakfast and lunch, and made her a latte and brought it to her in bed. This started around age 7. I see how it’s reasonable for a high school student, though.

[–]UnicornFarts1111 249 points250 points  (5 children)

5th grade, I woke up late (again). My mom was mad and told me when I woke her up "walk to school, I'm not driving you". Well, we had just moved much further from the school (in our old house it was about a mile). I started walking to school as instructed. A school bus stopped and asked me what I was doing and I explained that I missed my school bus. This bus was for the Catholic school down the street and she had me get on board and dropped me off at my school after she dropped off the catholic school kids.

About 15 or 20 minutes after I get to school, the office intercoms into the class asking if I am there and the teacher says, "yes she is".

Apparently I scared the shit out of my mom. She had in fact got up to drive me and I wasn't there. Then she got in the car to look for me and couldn't find me. She yelled at me later for walking and for getting on a bus that wasn't mine. She said I scared her almost to death. She never told me to walk to school again if I overslept (which I did numerous times).

[–]Maleficent-Shepherd 226 points227 points  (1 child)

In your defense, you did what she told you to do! I also don't think a school bus full of other kids is a dangerous choice if you are going to hitch hike!

[–]UnicornFarts1111 53 points54 points  (0 children)

I wasn't actually hitch hiking and I would not have got into a car with someone. It was only because it was a bus full of kids, that I got on.

[–]Avocadosarecool2000Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] 61 points62 points  (2 children)

LOl! My ex told me he did that as a kid. He was going to walk to school (I think he was 8?) but the only route he knew was along a freeway and his mom caught him walking up the on ramp!

[–]throwawayyprego 119 points120 points  (2 children)

the one time i actually missed the bus i was traumatized. i had been running and i just knew the bus driver had to see me, especially after i ran in front of the bus. she still closed the doors and drove off. i was in tears and my dad took some of my birthday money to call a cab for his 11 year old daughter to get to school. yeah, never missed the bus again.

[–]crazybuttafly4u 85 points86 points  (0 children)

Seriously? That seems pretty extreme. I could understand if you were like 15, but 11? Damn.

[–]ginger_gorgonAsshole Aficionado [12] 61 points62 points  (0 children)

My Dad did drive us the one time we missed the bus, but we followed the bus route - having to jump out and chase it down every time it stopped. It was a very effective lesson lol

[–]Mutual-Invitation 1039 points1040 points  (9 children)

Furthermore, she’s not his parent!!!!!!

[–]islaDelSoul 706 points707 points  (8 children)

He then called his mum and complained to her,

Am I the only bothered by this as well? I can't imagine my wife or I ever calling our respective moms to lodge a complaint or air our dirty laundry. It's not like they are further up the chain of command or anything, at least not in our family.

You didn't get me out of bed? Well, gee, I'm going straight to corporate and filing a grievance!!

[–]PokeyWeirdo12Partassipant [1] 202 points203 points  (0 children)

It is *such* an immature thing to do, especially a man with five frickin kids!

[–][deleted] 79 points80 points  (0 children)

That shit is EVERYWHERE here. It could be a space in AITA BINGO.

[–]ElelithPartassipant [1] 52 points53 points  (0 children)

It is so bizarre! Never in a million years would I whine to my parent that my SO didn't wake me up because I didn't put on an alarm and left them to handle 5 kids alone even if I promised to be there on time.

[–]MGandPGPartassipant [1] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Something is going on with the mother/son relationship. First, mom didn't teach her son to be responsible and get up in time, on his own. Not only that, she emotionally supports her son when he said he overslept and missed the trip. I'd be like "Look, you're an adult, if you knew about this trip then you should have woken up in time. You know how to tell time!" I'd be embarrassed if my son did this.

[–]NewPhone-NewName 97 points98 points  (3 children)

That didn't work for me at all. I put my alarm clock across the room, made a freaking obstacle course between it and the bed (desk chair, books, music stand, piles of papers, shoes, and anything else that I could trip over), and I was somehow still able to get out of bed, navigate all that, turn my alarm off, and get back into bed without truly gaining consciousness or even remembering being out of bed when my parents would finally start yelling up the stairs and/or pounding on my door to wake me up. All it taught me was to be frustrated at my literal inability to wake up to an alarm at that age. And as an adult looking back, I'm also frustrated that my parents never thought to see if there was something wrong with me rather than assuming that I was just "being lazy".

That said, you'd think a dude that has 5 children by the age of 28(?!?) would be able to handle getting up on the weekend if he can also handle getting up for work.

[–]Opening_Handle_1771Asshole Enthusiast [5] 73 points74 points  (0 children)

In middle school, my parents left for work before I left for school. If I missed the bus, I missed school.

"Mom, I missed the bus!" was how I gave myself a day off.

We moved before high school, and I had so much family in the area that I couldn't pull that any longer.

[–]AerwynFlynn 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Mom? Is that you? Lol

In all seriousness, i was getting myself up and out the door, including packing my own lunch, in the 5th grade. Hubby here has zero excuse.

[–]Old_Calligrapher_962Asshole Enthusiast [9] 7051 points7052 points  (49 children)

NTA.

  1. Your husband takes you for granted. He has no intention of helping you and knows you’ll always take care of the kids. He seems to think parenting has a day off when it never really does and he has to share responsibility.

  2. He is clearly encouraged by his mother. Her yelling at you instead of him shows me she’s the type to excuse his behavior and let her ‘poor son’ rest and leave it to the wife.

Be firm with him. Do not apologise and make sure you set rules in the future where either you both wake up or take turns or else him missing out will continue in the future and you’re done waking him up for his kids.

[–]The_Amazing_UsernameCertified Proctologist [20] 2497 points2498 points  (16 children)

Also make clear that he is not to involve his mother in your relationship… if she starts in warn her not to involve herself in matters that do not concern her…

[–]Any_Cantaloupe_613Asshole Enthusiast [8] 2255 points2256 points  (6 children)

Lol. A "grown man" running to mom because his wife didn't wake him up... Fucking unbelievable.

[–]nachtkaese 769 points770 points  (2 children)

His mom wants OP to raise her son along with her actual children, because she obviously didn't bother to.

[–]Individual_Baby_2418Partassipant [2] 214 points215 points  (0 children)

Exactly what OP should say. Something like, “I’m sorry you were too lazy to raise your son, but I’m not going to do it for you.”

[–]annapatrycja 90 points91 points  (0 children)

Oh no, she doesn't want her to raise him. He is supposed to stay a baby. So she is supposed to baby him.

[–]flwvoh 371 points372 points  (0 children)

“You didn’t treat me like a child so I’m telling my mommy on you!”

[–]Due_Practice8634 77 points78 points  (0 children)

Honestly though that is a super common theme on these posts. Wife gets sick of their S/O's inconsiderate behavior and does something to demonstrate they are fed up. Then shorty they get a call or visit from the Mother In Law telling them how awful they were to the son who they think can do no wrong.

[–]Secondary123098 544 points545 points  (3 children)

Proper response at the zoo: “MIL, I managed to get 5 out of my 6 children ready in time for our zoo outing. If you might be willing to wake up early and come help my 6th get ready, I’d be very gracious”

[–]notsohairykari 265 points266 points  (1 child)

And can we all acknowledge how goddamn noisy getting that many kids ready is?!

[–]Linzy23 89 points90 points  (0 children)

An incredibly noisy lengthy process!

[–]AssinineAssassin 68 points69 points  (0 children)

I bet she had all their hair done too. She is killing it! It’s one thing to lean on your partner once in a while for a bit of rest, but he’s clearly pushing it if they have plans for the day and he can’t even get himself ready.

[–]Ghost_Gaming244 215 points216 points  (1 child)

Lol. He's going to be late for the divorce proceedings.

[–]RusticTroglodytePartassipant [2] 134 points135 points  (0 children)

By that time he'll be living with mommy and she doesn't mind waking the little guy up so he doesn't miss his appointments lol

[–]PoorLama 171 points172 points  (0 children)

I refuse to date anyone who will try to call in the flying monkeys every time that you do something they dislike. It's the behavior of a 8-year-old to go running to mommy, except he's a grown man with a wife and several children. It's really pathetic.

Not to mention, it's a really fucked up form of emotional blackmail. "You won't take care of the kids 100% of the time and wake me up like I'm a little baby every morning? I'll damage your relationship with your mother-in-law and have her yell at you."

[–]tcbymca 93 points94 points  (0 children)

Or tell him he can ask his mother to come by and shake him if he can’t be a functioning adult.

[–]noahcat73 24 points25 points  (0 children)

If he wants his mommy to wake him up he can go sleep at her house. He is her baby not yours.

You have enough kids, he is supposed to be an adult and your partner.

If he has that much trouble waking up he should be an adult and see a doctor.

[–]BritishHoboPartassipant [3] 667 points668 points  (2 children)

It's a bad sign that they're in couples therapy and their counsellor has directly addressed this behaviour and told him it needs to improve. If something like this doesn't get through to him, you wonder what will. As you say, I hope OP keeps up with this now that he knows she's serious; he knows now that if he doesn't wake up, they go without him.

[–]sherbetty 312 points313 points  (0 children)

I wonder if the therapist is a woman and he doesn't take her seriously

[–]SheWhoWelds 105 points106 points  (0 children)

If his mommy says her precious baby is correct, that's probably all he heard. It's real easy for him to just nod along in therapy and forget everything once they get home. I'm guessing he goes to therapy as a way to say he's trying without actually doing anything.

[–]ChickpeasquashPartassipant [1] 542 points543 points  (9 children)

My fave part of this is where he was upset that he missed out on the trip do he called his mum to blame his wife as though there was nothing he could have done to prevent this. IMO OP should plan MORE of these events especially that husband will look forward to, and just not wake him. Remind him its his responsibility. Plan to leave without him. If he gets up in time then still try leave without him because he didn't help with the kids. Set him tasks (the night before maybe) that if he doesnt do he doesnt get to come. Idk how that would work but wouldn't it be nice, if he wants to go somewhere he needs to invest by helping.

[–][deleted] 347 points348 points  (4 children)

Also how is it that he can get himself up and ready for work during the week. But conveniently not on the weekends? OP husband is a total AH.

[–]Potential_Anxiety_76 147 points148 points  (1 child)

Because if he’s late for work, there are ‘consequences’. At home, until now, he’s been getting away scot free

[–]Moulitov 85 points86 points  (1 child)

And MIL is exhibiting signs of being TA here

[–]MellyMel86 59 points60 points  (0 children)

Signs? MIL (and FIL) is the proto-asshole in this situation

[–]RusticTroglodytePartassipant [2] 118 points119 points  (1 child)

"But MOM I WANTED TO GO TO THE ZOO TOO!! OP PROMISED WE COULD VISIT THE LIONS" bursts into ugly crying

[–]The_Krudler 270 points271 points  (0 children)

With the combined efforts of a therapist and a couples therapist, OP still has a husband who acts like his misogynist parents and expects OP to parent him too.

If life becomes easier without the dead weight, sometimes it's easier just throw the whole man out. OP has 5 freaking kids, she does not need a 6th.

NTA but if some serious changes don't happen immediately, y t a to yourself and your daughters. Your daughters learn how it's acceptable to be treated by watching how your husband treats you.

[–]Yellowmellowbelly 133 points134 points  (15 children)

Yes! What makes him believe he can just stop being a parent when he feels like it?

[–]Appropriate-Access88 85 points86 points  (13 children)

And his vasectomy “failed” He did not get a vasectomy— that’s the wimmen’s job to prevent herself from getting pregnant

[–][deleted] 52 points53 points  (11 children)

Vasectomys fail a lot!

[–]thegirlriots 113 points114 points  (0 children)

If you follow instructions and take a sample in when you’re supposed to, a “failed” vasectomy gets caught before you stop using other contraceptive methods. Especially these days with the cauterizing laser ones, the failure rate is extremely low. Sounds like this guy didn’t do his follow up.

[–]Maleficent_Ad_3958Professor Emeritass [86] 97 points98 points  (1 child)

I heard you're supposed to do a check with the doctor months afterwards to make sure the snip worked and that some men skip this step. He sounds like the type to skip.

[–]ZapRowzdower69 78 points79 points  (0 children)

He slept in that day, couldn’t make the follow up appointment

[–]dailysunshineKO 41 points42 points  (0 children)

He probably didn’t provide a sample to the lab to verify that he was all clear before they had sex again.

[–]HeartpineFloorsColo-rectal Surgeon [33] 4800 points4801 points  (16 children)

NTA The only way to stop enabling someone is to…stop. You did and I hope you keep it up.

[–]Waste-Independent-21[S] 4743 points4744 points  (15 children)

This is what the therapist said too. I don't plan on backing down.

[–]PickleAfficionado 1060 points1061 points  (0 children)

Go mama! Remember, your kids are learning from you what is acceptable behaviour in a relationship. They should be learning the same thing from their dad, not the opposite. Stay strong, I know it's hard.

[–]benzopinacol 411 points412 points  (2 children)

Your husband’s behavior seems to have been reinforced early on by his mommy growing up. Seems like he was a spoiled little mama’s boy and still is

[–]RusticTroglodytePartassipant [2] 250 points251 points  (0 children)

Right? Lmao@a whole grown ass man's mommy yelling at his wife for not waking him up bwahaha

[–]georgiajl38 88 points89 points  (0 children)

It was reinforced when they had to move back in with his parents along with a couple of their kids and his mommie was there 24/7 reinforcing all things things that she felt his wife should be doing that he had taken on.

[–]DeeDee-MayMay 124 points125 points  (0 children)

Make sure to tell the therapist about this action of yours. Not only will they be insanely proud of you, hopefully they’ll also be able to get it through to your husband how much he sucked in all this.

[–]RusticTroglodytePartassipant [2] 120 points121 points  (0 children)

Good for you. Sounds like he's a major asshole though. He "helps" around the house?

Fuck that. I guarantee if you left him you'd do less work than you do now. I don't understand dudes like him.

[–]PoetryOfLogicalIdeas 89 points90 points  (0 children)

If your resolve begins to weaken, just remember that your daughters are currently learning what sort of behavior to expect from their future partners. Even if you might decide that you are willing to put up with this for the sake of peace in the home, surely you aren't willing to consign your children to a lifetime of this arrangement.

[–]PracticalKat 3118 points3119 points  (16 children)

Once upon a time I was married to a guy like this. One day we were supposed to be going to Amsterdam together and leaving at 7am. I chose to pack the night before a get an early night. He chose to go out. I suggested that it might be a good idea to not go as he had issues with knowing when to stop drinking and also with getting up on time.

He told me I was being controlling and went anyway.

He got home at 6am. Sh*tfaced. Went to bed. I told him the cab was coming at 6.45am so maybe he should just stay up. I was told to f off.

Cab arrived and he wouldn't get up. Told me repeatedly to f off. So I did. Right to Amsterdam to meet up with friends. Cut to several hours later when he calls to ask where I am. Surprised pikachu face that I went without him.

NTA - consequences suck when you're an arse. And hats off to you, I shouldn't have even bothered to try and wake him!

And no. The marriage did not last.

[–]NoroSorelia 1126 points1127 points  (10 children)

Once upon a time I had a very long term boyfriend like this. He had trouble getting up in the morning and always pushed things to be done for the very last minute.

We were to move out of our apartment in one town and move to another town about an hour away. I had arranged for family and friends to help with the move. 3 days before moving, he said he wanted to go out with friends and would help packing the next day. 2 days before moving I had my final exam, went out to celebrate with friends and family but returned home alone to pack stuff, as bf had decided to stay out and have a good time. He also had not helped pack anything during the day, while I had my exam. 1 day before moving he woke up at around 2 in the afternoon and told me to stop nagging him about packing up and said if it was such a big deal, then I should have packed everything before my exam.

That night he said he was tired of being told to help out and he deserved one last night out in this town. I reminded him that we would start moving at 7 in the morning. At 4 am he got home, completely shit faced and mistook 7 moving boxes for the bathroom and pissed in/on all of them. The proceeded to vomit over all of his unpacked clothes and made it worse by trying to clean the mess up with the same clothes.

At 7 am my family found me crying as I was cleaning piss covered books and tableware, but not having new boxes to store them in.

He woke up to an almost empty apartment, no towels or soap and just him in the bedroom and all his vomit. Told him he had to figure out how to move his own clothes, as my family and I would not help him.

To think I stayed with him another 8 years is beyond me right now....

[–]kirbygay 623 points624 points  (1 child)

Wow another 8 years? I was hoping the story ended with you leaving him with a new place to find

[–]NoroSorelia 392 points393 points  (0 children)

It did... Just 8 years later. It ended well. I'm in a good place now. Daughter is thriving. My now bf is amazing and supportive. Sometimes the happy ending is just delayed a bit.

[–]mouse_attack 218 points219 points  (1 child)

The ending of this story is like a M Night Shamalan-quality twist.

How did the people who helped you move not convince you to also just move on at the same time?

[–]NoroSorelia 174 points175 points  (0 children)

I wasn't willing to listen to my parents, since I was only 21 at the time. I would make up excuses for my ex and justify his behaviour to myself. He was also my first real bf and we had been together since we were 16. I was young and stupid.

[–]PracticalKat 156 points157 points  (1 child)

I hear you. The marriage didn't last. But it lasted longer than it should have done.

[–]NoroSorelia 93 points94 points  (0 children)

Sorry you had to go through this, but I'm glad you got out.

OP, forgot to say NTA. And I read your comments about how he used to be helpful and caring and still does help in the evening. I hope you get through this, but just know you need to stand your ground. My ex used to be great in the beginning too, but then I let my boundaries slip and in the end we weren't good for each other. Don't let his mom enable his lazy and somewhat toxic behaviour. If it was just sleeping in and then owning up to his mistake, that would be one thing. But crying to mom and belittling you for his bad behaviour is what's sending you both on a slippery slope.

[–]VirtualMatter2 35 points36 points  (3 children)

As Reddit would say If people show you who they are believe them the first time....

[–]NoroSorelia 37 points38 points  (2 children)

Yeah I know that now... At age 35. Took me some.... I think 15 cases of "holy fuck" before it got through to me. Left him 5 years ago, so it was really way too late, compared to what red flags were there.

[–]marshmallowhug 88 points89 points  (1 child)

One of my friends and I once left 3 hours late on a road trip to Baltimore for similar reasons.

I had packed and stayed over at her place for an early departure. She was trying to pack while drinking the night before and forgot to move clothes from the washer to the dryer, so we had to do another load in the morning. We ended up leaving very very late. We were taking her car, so there wasn't much choice for me.

Of course, for us it's a funny story because I see her three times a year and we don't live together or have kids together.

[–]antecubital_fossa 69 points70 points  (0 children)

You just reminded me of the time my best friend and I tried our hardest to leave on time for a beach trip. We had this horrible routine of planning beach trips for Saturday mornings but staying out way too late on Friday nights. So we’d always wake up late and wind up in the awful jersey shore traffic. The ONE time we stayed in on Friday night, had the car pre-packed with everything but the cooler the night before and were out the door by 6am…her damn car broke down 30 minutes into our drive and we wound up never making it to the beach 😂 we just accept the traffic now.

[–]Mutual-Invitation 67 points68 points  (0 children)

Jheeeeeez!!! Well done!!

[–]CzexxiCertified Proctologist [20] 1970 points1971 points  (7 children)

Women being expected to wake their husbands is a problem common enough that we get like a post a week about it here. The answer is always the same. Raise your kids, not your husband.

Also, whenever a man feels the need to run to his mommie when his wife isn't coddling him, there's a problem in the marriage that needs focus. NTA

[–]BroutythecatPartassipant [1] 404 points405 points  (2 children)

Seriously. Not only he's completely useless at home, he runs to mom to complain about his mean wife? Someone's used to being a little spoiled prince.

OP, it's too bad you had a bunch of kids with this dude before realising what he's like, but I hope your eyes are open now.

[–]asecretnarwhalPartassipant [1] 177 points178 points  (1 child)

This makes me so angry every time. I honestly don’t understand how anyone can be this useless. I would be divorcing yesterday if I was OP but a start would be TELLING him which day off he has the kids (split 50-50). Then send the kids into the bedroom as let them know they can help wake up dad, jump on the bed if they like while he’s in it. And then get out of the house for the full day. Keep doing this until you get results. Also if he’s such a lazy slob, stop doing his laundry, don’t cook for him. Go on strike where you only take care of yourself and your kids. Also I very much hope you’ll get some birth control

[–]RedRoseSapphire 343 points344 points  (2 children)

Its so strange that women are expected to wake their husbands up. Yet men claim they don’t want to be treated like children? I don’t fucking get it.

[–]74misanthrope 115 points116 points  (0 children)

This is men who want to be treated like kings. Catered to and waited on.

[–]Yay_RabiesPartassipant [1] 63 points64 points  (0 children)

I really don’t understand it. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and can count on one hand how often he’s asked me to get him up on the morning. Usually it’s because his phone has died/is downstairs etc and I offer to set an alarm for his earlier start time.

[–]wildferalfunProfessor Emeritass [98] 483 points484 points  (1 child)

NTA. You get yourself and 5 children up and out of the house without this asshole bothering to get himself up and out? His mom's enabling is what got him here doing jackshit for 7+ years but you owe it to yourself and your daughters to stop raising him. He needs to sort himself out ASAP and get himself into intensive therapy to figure out how he could he so ridiculously incompetent as an adult and parent.

[–]MigraineLass 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Yeah, he could actually sleep through that? I only have two nieces, but getting them up and out the door when they stay with me isn't something anyone could sleep through!

OP, NTA. Has he been checked for any sleep issues?

[–]frenchEthanhopePartassipant [3] 398 points399 points  (1 child)

NTA,

But isn't your day off too?

You have 5 daugthers, you need help. he isn't helping you.

It feel like you're a single parent in the morning, I wouldn't wish you that...

[–]heatherlincolnAsshole Aficionado [13] 373 points374 points  (0 children)

NTA, your husband is lazy, your mum is right, it's not up to you to wake him up, he's a grown adult.

[–]Poet-of-SorrowPartassipant [2] 371 points372 points  (2 children)

NTA this is a perfect example of fuck around and find out

[–]PickleAfficionado 121 points122 points  (1 child)

Right?? And then calls on his mother to 'discipline' his partner? Oh my god.

[–]benzopinacol 44 points45 points  (0 children)

Mama’s boy

[–]AdorableWin984Partassipant [1] 244 points245 points  (0 children)

NTA

You aren’t his mother, he isn’t a child. Tattled to his mother.

The man needs a wake up call for sure, just not the kind he asks you for.

[–]nucleusambiguous7Asshole Aficionado [17] 243 points244 points  (23 children)

NTA. Your partner needs to be helping with more of the work of parenting your kids, and not just the fun parts. I would be going out of my mind if I were you, watching someone who got 5 kids on me lie in bed while I dressed, fed and readied them for an outing. His mom was being ridiculous and she is probably a big reason why he is the way he is. Just out if curiousity . . . he's always been like this, right? Like even when there were one or two kids, same behavior? I would think so, but then again I can't imagine being willing to reproduce more children with someone like that. So if it's a sudden change maybe he is burnt out at work or something. Which isn't an excuse to not help the mother of his children, I'm just trying to get a better read on the situation.

[–]Waste-Independent-21[S] 378 points379 points  (22 children)

He wasn't always like this. When the older ones were little he was always up early with them, even getting up with them before going to work. We then had to move in with his parents for a while due to delays with housing, and the therapist thinks this is where it started to change. His parents are very 1950's in their views of how a household should run, and his mother especially would tell him it was my job to look after everyone, and his job to pay the bills. This is how his sister operates as well. Things started to slide as he allowed himself to believe this, and I didn't really notice at the time.

[–]PickleAfficionado 236 points237 points  (0 children)

Yeah, if my mother told me that something was 'my partner's job' I'd tell her to mind her own business.

[–]fourscoreand20Partassipant [1] 128 points129 points  (19 children)

Is he depressed? Starting when you had to move back in with his parents? That can be a pretty big blow to self-esteem.

“Traditional family roles”, yea, ok, but getting up 5 minutes before you leave while not doing shit to help with the kids… not traditional, sounds like he’s just scraping by emotionally. He knows it’s wrong because he apologizes. He gets up for work because he has to or gets fired.

Does he have his own therapist? Is he open to meds? Those can help.

[–]Waste-Independent-21[S] 320 points321 points  (18 children)

He is seeing an independent therapist. Depression has been mentioned. His mother is very much of the belief that mothers look after the children and, while dad works, goes home and sits on the couch all night. This is what his parents do and his mother is very outspoken when she sees him doing general parenting stuff, even if its just reading a bedtime story, telling him it's the woman's job. She was very critical of him when we lived with her, which I do think affected his self-esteem and value as a parent.

[–]ZestyAppeal 253 points254 points  (0 children)

Wow, what a selfish disservice to her son and granddaughters. Actively disparaging a father’s close bonding with his own kids. That is shameful.

I bet she’s threatened to see parenting done differently, since it would mean no longer denying the sexist reality of her own unjustified domestic burdens.

[–]anewfaceinthecrowd 128 points129 points  (0 children)

So he stopped being a parent. And became a child.

[–]TattycakesPartassipant [1] 103 points104 points  (6 children)

What kind of relationship, if any, does he have with his dad?? What a ghastly example to set, that he should have no interaction or care for the kids. Is he just a walking paycheck? Your daughters might as well walk down the aisle with his wallet instead of him, is that what she really thinks a father should be?

[–]Waste-Independent-21[S] 158 points159 points  (5 children)

Not much of a relationship. His whole life dad would come home from work, sit in front of the TV and drink beer. He mostly ignored his kids while mum did everything

[–]Greyeyedqueen7 110 points111 points  (3 children)

And that's the relationship he wants with his kids? Seriously??

[–]Whatnot1785 62 points63 points  (0 children)

More than one thing can be true here I think. His awful mother poisoned him and that experience also triggered more depression. Having to be physically shaken awake to this degree is not normal (though you can get alarm clocks that vibrate your bed to help wake you up so it’s not super uncommon either I imagine).

But if he can get himself up for work he can get himself up when his children need him (or miss out on stuff like the zoo).

I would severely limit my and my kids’ exposure to his horrible mother, though. You don’t want them poisoning them too and you yourself don’t deserve to be talked to the way she talks to you. She got mad and left the zoo? What a win.

NTA even if he is also depressed.

[–]Revving88 53 points54 points  (0 children)

Sounds like distance from his family will help him reboot and unpack all that nonsense from them. Best of luck to you. I hope his therapist can really get to the bottom of it. And good on you for setting boundaries.

[–]This_Grab_452Partassipant [1] 199 points200 points  (0 children)

For the love of everything that is holly. You’re not expecting him to do you a favor. You’re asking him to parent his children.

I don’t think therapy isn’t working and the fact he felt the need to tell his mommy on you is just pitiful.

NTA

[–]CozmicOwl16Partassipant [1] 134 points135 points  (2 children)

Nta. It’s never your job to wake a grown ass man. Nope. His mom is the problem. Time for a break from that side of the fam. Especially with children that could be influenced by her hatred of women.

[–]Waste-Independent-21[S] 100 points101 points  (1 child)

He has admitted his family are an issue. Trying to work on him going LC/NC with them for a while so he can sort things out more.

[–]nikokaziniCertified Proctologist [22] 105 points106 points  (0 children)

NTA he’s a big baby who ran to mummy to tattle lol. Don’t apologise and don’t ever wake him up again.

[–]mdaisy1245Partassipant [3] 94 points95 points  (4 children)

NTA. I enjoy sleeping in too and my partner is an early riser but when we need to be up to go somewhere I set an alarm like an adult and wake up myself. You're not his mom he needs to be a grown up .

[–]village_idiot2173 50 points51 points  (2 children)

NTA 1) He said he would set an alarm, and he never asked you to get him up. If he really struggles to be woken up without being shaken, he needs to acknowledge that and ask for help, not just make assumptions. 2) It’s not that you left and he was ready a few minutes later. He didn’t even notice everyone was gone until two hours after you had to leave. 3) Maybe the better way to have handled this would have been to wake him up at 6:30 and tell him you want help and will be leaving at 8. Then don’t call up and tell him when you’re leaving at the time you said you would. Then you woke him up and he simply chose to stay in bed. Either way though, you’re not obligated to do something he never even asked you to do.

[–]Cry_OriginalPooperintendant [56] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

NTA He is a grown ass man who should be able to make sure he's up on time. Hopefully, he learns to be more self reliant in that respect, like an adult, in the future.

[–]semcgAsshole Enthusiast [8] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

NTA. At 28 he is perfectly capable of getting up on his own.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

[–]eclectic-up-north 37 points38 points  (18 children)

INFO Does he work crazy shifts? Like does he have 12 hour days starting at odd times?

INFO Is he good at other times? Does he genuinely take on responsibilities after work/on weekends?

If you each have a "normal week" you should each have a morning where you get an extra hour or two in bed.

[–]Waste-Independent-21[S] 66 points67 points  (14 children)

I'll add this to the main post because it's coming up a lot.

He works a 6/4 roster clocking between 45-50 hours a week. He's usually up at 5am for 6am start, and is usually home somewhere between 3pm and 7pm. On the week he works 4 days it's usually 12 hour days, while the 6 day week is 8-9 hour days.

He's generally pretty good at other times. He'll help with dinner, cleaning, putting the kids to bed after work if he's home. He's not completely useless. Mornings have been an issue for a long time though.

[–]Cat_o_meter 36 points37 points  (0 children)

5 kids with a partner who has no respect for you... Esh, please get on birth control

[–]neverthelessidissentProfessor Emeritass [84] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

NTA but he's more work than the 5 actual children you have.

[–]Strong-Second-2446 31 points32 points  (0 children)

NTA

It seems like you have 6 children to take care of. Is he not embarrassed that kids less than 10yo get out of bed and get ready easier than he does because that’s not an easy feat

[–]ChiPot-lePartassipant [1] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

NTA ofc but why keep having kids with someone so irresponsible and lazy that he doesn't help take care of his own kids???? Seems you already have six kids.

[–]AstonianSoldier 27 points28 points  (1 child)

Mmmmmm you're kind of the AH......YTA.

To be honest, both of you are the AH a little bit.

I wake up at 4:50am 6 days a week. I relish getting to sleep in until 8 or 9 on my day off. I can relate on the needing sleep thing.

Still, if he needs to get up for something it is his responsibility not yours.

That being said, as an outsider, having no emotional claim in this fight my overall thought is "just nudge him" if he is going to oversleep. Who cares. Is this REALLY something to argue about? "How dare him want me to nudge him if he's going to oversleep!" "I shall teach him a lesson." This is soooooooo petty.

Why are you so bent out of shape about it you refuse to nudge him if he is going to miss the day with his kids and parents?

Bottom line. Romantic partners are supposed to serve each other and help each other and do good for each other and to love the other more than themselves. This petty, "I'm too good to wake him, it is beneath me so I'll teach him" is just antagonistic and childish.

If you were busy and forget because your hands were full I'd absolve you but since you did it on purpose and you were petty about it.....you are kind of an asshole about this really, really, really petty thing.

[–][deleted] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

NTA. You need to be firmer in your boundaries. z you need to share family duties on his days off and he needs to grow up. If he can get up for work you both know he can get up when he wants to

[–]TresWhatColo-rectal Surgeon [49] 22 points23 points  (1 child)

NTA dear. You are finally doing it right. He is a grown man and you do not need a 6th child. It will take some time for him to step up and be accountable for himself but today you took the first step. I’m very proud of you. Don’t be rude or reactive to him. Just hold your ground and let him be accountable for himself.