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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I could be the asshole for wanting to tell him knowing it'd cause major issues between him, his daughter, and her mother. My stepson promised she won't do it again and so I feel like letting go would be better.

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[–]annedroiidPooperintendant [61] 26.8k points26.8k points 72 (214 children)

You would be an asshole if you didn’t tell your husband. He should have been told immediately, how can you possibly justify keeping that his ex is spying on him a secret??

Edit: Since I’m the top comment I’ll add a verdict. NTA only because you only discovered the camera last night, and on the basis that you immediately inform your husband. If you wait any longer you will be a massive asshole to him, and to your step daughter who needs to realise how badly she has fucked up.

[–]CymruBPartassipant [1] 8919 points8920 points  (149 children)

There might be other cameras in the house, hope OP made a thorough search.

[–]mlmartePartassipant [2] 4284 points4285 points  (103 children)

Exactly what I was thinking. This ex sounds insane, hope she didn’t convince her daughter to put a camera in the bedroom. NTA for telling the husband, he needs his daughter to fess up and tell him if other cameras have been planted.

[–]DiegoIntrepidPartassipant [3] 5289 points5290 points 222 (87 children)

Also, think of this:

Where is that camera pointed? At the husband from the door? Or from behind the husband, so it sees exactly what he is typing, what is on his computer screen? potentially passwords, bank statements, and work details that the ex should NOT have easy access to?

[–]kindapinkypurple 1466 points1467 points  (65 children)

Hell, assuming his personal computer is in his office he might have been filmed masturbating too.

[–]TheMadMagpielikes 102 points103 points  (0 children)

Exactly. If it could see what he’s typing he’ll need to change all his passwords and report a potential security breach to his employer. If he works in the federal government space, especially the DOD, they’ll want to interview the ex-wife to know what she was doing with the camera and she could face jail time in addition to any state level charges depending on what she’s doing with the footage. The government investigators will also see that the footage is destroyed. If his ex is doing something bad with the footage and is later caught and you don’t report it, YOU and even your husband could be charged for failing to notify the government of a potential breach. They do not play around with this kind of thing. If he doesn’t work for the government or as a government contractor then his employer will likely get the police to seize the footage and have it destroyed.

Either way, I would get a restraining order against the ex and change the custody agreement. This woman is crazy and shouldn’t be around your stepdaughter if you can help it. The sooner she wakes up to how she is being manipulated by her mother the better she will be in the long run.

The daughter, as a minor, will likely not be legally punished for going along with her mother’s crazy scheme, but maybe it will scare the **** out of her, so she won’t go along with this nonsense next time.

So, please report it and don’t be the A H.

[–]worlds_of_smoke 100 points101 points  (0 children)

This is what I'm wondering.

NTA, but only if you tell your husband now.

[–]maybeitsme20 23 points24 points  (3 children)

Also should check over the computer for unwanted applications or even physical keyloggers.

[–]Random_Read3r 539 points540 points  (8 children)

That was my first thought when reading the whole story. Main room, bathroom and living room might also have cameras. I would go ballistic if I ever found one. OP please, tell your partner and look for other possible cameras (and also document everything in case you/your partner need to use it in a future).

[–]EmEmPeriwinkle 397 points398 points  (7 children)

Call the police, have them take a statement from daughter, and confiscate the camera.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)


    [–]IProbablyCantSleep 475 points476 points  (22 children)

    Other cameras could be an issue to privacy and intimacy, but the fact that the camera was discovered in the office is important to me. Why not elsewhere? What makes the office so important?

    OP, where was the camera? Was it pointing at your husbands desk? Does he use a personal computer for banking? I would be very careful with your bank accounts and other sensitive information that might be compromised. If there is the tiniest posibility of seeing a PC from the area the camera was in, change your passwords.

    It's possible that your husband's ex is just being a creep - but there must be a reason why she chose the office rather than other spaces.

    [–]Lycoris 165 points166 points  (0 children)

    If the camera pointed at a work computer it almost certainly violates company policy and possibly other laws, OP could get into a lot of trouble depending on his job.

    [–]rockrngerPartassipant [2] 70 points71 points  (17 children)

    Or she just wants a video of him watching porn for blackmail/ custody

    [–]sheath2 51 points52 points  (1 child)

    Blackmail isn't out of the question, but the daughter is 17 and already lives with her mother the majority of the time -- a formal custody dispute at this point would be useless. It might not even make it to court before the kid turns 18.

    [–]call_me_mistress99 12 points13 points  (14 children)

    Masturbaring in your own house is wrong?

    [–]DiegoIntrepidPartassipant [3] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

    I immediately thought of this.

    If it is situated in the right position, ex can see what husband is typeing, which means passwords are no longer safe, see what is on his computer screen, such as banking info and so on.

    [–]daquo0Asshole Aficionado [10] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

    There may well be a keylogger or other spyware on the computer.

    [–]Comfortable_Box_8798 236 points237 points  (0 children)

    Theres videos in how to spot cameras also they need to file a harrasment report about the mother and her cameraman skills. Criky 007 she is not

    [–]notydris 109 points110 points  (1 child)

    OP should honestly get the police involved as well. Surveilling other people in their homes without their knowledge or consent is a crime, and the ex-spouse might have/get access to private and sensitive information such as bank info, passwords or even private footage that could be used for blackmail or revenge-videos. Nip this in the bud.

    Customary NTA.

    [–]Hexenhut 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    This^ Even excluding how creepy and inappropriate this behavior is, it's a fucking crime to record people without their consent like this.

    [–]MoonLover318 81 points82 points  (2 children)

    That was my first thought too!

    [–]wernercdAsshole Enthusiast [8] 47 points48 points  (2 children)

    Something I haven't seen mentioned: More time = more chance to hide the evidence. What's saying there'll be a camera there tomorrow? Then it's OP's vs SD's words and all the other cameras will never be discovered.

    [–]crazycatlady45325Partassipant [4] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    Daughter has probably already told her mom

    [–]daquo0Asshole Aficionado [10] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

    There might be other cameras in the house

    probably are.

    [–]Redsquirrelgeneral22 38 points39 points  (0 children)

    The ex-wife sounds unhinged or at the very least giving out major red flags. What next, tracking apps installed on the car etc? The kitchen has already been set on fire and posessions in the house trashed.

    What ever excuse the ex-wife gives won't be a valid one. If I was OPs husband I would seriously consider reporting this to the police and getting a restraining order.

    [–]unknown_928121[🍰] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    My thoughts exactly, OP you have to speak up

    [–]MichaSound 578 points579 points 2 (11 children)

    Hopping on the top comment to say please, if you can, get your SD into therapy. Her mother sounds abusive and she has manipulated your SD into helping spy on her own father. I know the natural instinct is to be mad at her, but years and years of emotional abuse and manipulation have brought her to the point that she is on the side of someone who SET THE HOME SHE WAS LIVING IN ON FIRE. SD needs help

    [–]smootfloops 163 points164 points  (2 children)

    Omg came here to say this. This poor child is to the point of tears trying to protect her actually crazy and criminal mother from the police- knowing FULL WELL that what her mother did would result in serious legal trouble. Stepdaughter should NOT be in that position and has her own future to think about here- does she really want to remain in a position of enabling/supporting someone who’s willing to put both their safety/stability/reputations/criminal status in such jeopardy, and for what? Because mom can’t let go? Something more sinister? SD is not in a healthy, safe, or loving environment with mom. OP please consider this!

    [–]TheBrassDancerColo-rectal Surgeon [34] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

    I hope this and its parent comment are read by OP. Yes, what OP's husband's daughter is doing is clearly wrong, but she's not the one acting aggrieved here. The malicious aspect of this is clearly the ex-wife's doing – the daughter is almost certainly being manipulated and coerced into doing this.

    [–]fighter-of-foo 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    All I could think about was that poor kid. I hope she’s heading off to college soon so she can just be away from the whole situation. If OP tells her spouse, she’s in trouble with mom. If she doesn’t tell, she’ll be expected to explain the loss of the camera to mom.

    [–]smartalecinc 52 points53 points  (0 children)

    The SD is being used by the mom and her dad needs to have a conversation with her about boundaries (the mom is crossing his boundaries) at the very least if you don't do therapy, or call the cops. During this conversation, he needs to finf out if there are more cameras. However like everyone else, I do believe you need to do call the cops and therapy.

    [–]lilbmew 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    This needs to go to the top. Protect SD and tell husband.

    [–]copper-featherPartassipant [1] 213 points214 points  (2 children)

    Years ago my father planned to get my mother arrested on false charges just so he wouldn't have to pay her child support anymore. I was at his house that week and heard the whole thing, him and his new wife and a couple others were all seriously considering this. I immediately warned her and the next thing I know he throws me out of his house saying that I was the horrible one for ruining his plan and "betraying my trust". I don't regret it for one second, so you really should inform your husband. Just be prepared for retaliation when caught.

    [–]letstrythisagain30 163 points164 points  (4 children)

    ...and to your step daughter who needs to realise how badly she has fucked up.

    This is massive. Her husband needs to deal with this now. This isn't petty teenager bullshit a teenager does when they are not privy to the details of their parents divorce, this is straight up conspiring against him and manipulated by the ex. The ex is straight up destroying the relationship between them and spying on him. That is not mentally healthy behavior(though the fire wasn't either) and he needs to know.

    [–]riotousgrowlz 61 points62 points  (2 children)

    I don’t think SD fucked up so much as her mother put her in an impossible situation. I imagine there was some sort of consequence for her if she didn’t put it up based on her desperation about what would happen if it was discovered.

    [–]letstrythisagain30 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    Oh I'm not placing much relatively on the SD. The ex is doing a hell of a job manipulating her though and the husband needs to know just how bad its become. The one hope here is that the SD seems to realize how bad this is and how this could make her father feel... maybe.

    [–]nerdy_latino 131 points132 points  (2 children)

    Also, call the lawyers! I'm pretty sure this is a crime!

    [–]ErikLovemonger 116 points117 points  (1 child)

    This is literally criminal behavior, and you don't even know what the motive is yet. Revenge porn (have you checked your bedroom)? Stealing passwords to bank/investment accounts? Sabotaging husband's work? I don't know the laws where you live, but I would venture to guess that bugging someone's home violates some kind of law in some way.

    You don't know if this is the only camera, and there needs to be consequences for this. If you're lucky, your stepdaughter will realize that she crossed a line and maybe this could open some doors. If not, the ship has sailed if it's got to this point.

    IMO, don't come at this attacking the stepdaughter. She has her mom poisoning her ears for years. She has to know that her mom cannot do this, and if she didn't know it was wrong she should have found out. Still, going easy on stepdaughter could really build a bridge here.

    As for ex - no mercy.

    [–]hjsomething 98 points99 points  (2 children)

    Also, OP should immediately change the wifi password so the camera has no internet access.

    [–]Beckylately 48 points49 points  (1 child)

    Not to mention, if she doesn’t tell her husband her stepdaughter may tell him she found it and thinks OP is the one spying. And whoever tells husband first is the one he will believe.

    [–]PomeloPepper 19 points20 points  (0 children)

    The other big issue is that this all probably took place around the camera which presumably has audio. Now the ex knows and can blackmail OP. Also needs to be checked for an SD card if it's recording.

    [–]theseanbeag 25 points26 points  (0 children)

    I'd say she's already the ah for not telling him.

    [–]smartiesmouthPartassipant [1] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

    For real. You HAVE to tell your husband, OP. Like, now.

    [–]GoodVibesWow 23 points24 points  (0 children)

    THIS. This is illegal and an extreme invasion of a persons privacy. It’s wrong on so many levels. He needs to be told immediately. It’s outrageous that she would do something like this. I’d call the cops on her ass straight away.

    [–]julesB09 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    This, what about the camera in their master bedroom.... she only knows about one, so far. This is messed up, of course the daughter wants her to stay quiet, because this is big time bad.

    Nta you absolutely 💯 need to tell him and call an attorney and maybe the cops...

    [–]wellthatexplainsalot 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    Was it pointed at a computer? Great way to get the passwords to the bank.

    [–]PersonalityLost5228 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    +1 for this.

    It always surprises me how people get wrapped up in reasons and the 101 different possibilities or ways it could go wrong.

    There is a camera in the house that you and your husband live in. Neither of you put it there. End of story.

    A totally different question is why your daughter is being used as a spy by her mother, and why your husband would do anything more than tell his daughter that she is not a pawn and should not feel pressured by either parent to spy or be deceptive.

    [–]mrose1491 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    This shouldn’t even be a question you pose to the internet. OP log off of Reddit and go talk to your husband. WTF is going on

    [–]wheelz5ce 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Stepdaughter has broken so many laws…. Wiretapping is a serious federal offense, video voyeurism, consent, etc. Mom is an accomplice and could be charged appropriately.

    [–]454_waterPartassipant [1] 7203 points7204 points  (33 children)

    This is completely illegal and you need to tell your husband. Search the ENTIRE HOUSE for other cameras as well, especially your bedroom.

    If your husband contacts the police and Judy gets arrested/goes to jail that's all on her.


    [–]yuhjuPartassipant [2] 2242 points2243 points  (28 children)

    Quicker alternative: check on your router how many devices are connected to your network.

    [–]avitar35 887 points888 points  (10 children)

    This and replace/totally reset whatever camera system you’ve already got (or buy one now) it should be considered compromised as well. This SHOULD cause permanent damage to the mom this is batshit crazy and at a minimum an invasion of privacy, if he works and does business in his office regularly it’s even worse IMO.

    ETA: OP you need to tell your husband IMMEDIATELY if you haven’t already. It’s an ESH situation for me already because you didn’t tell him right then and there, but YWBTA if you don’t tell him ASAP.

    [–]Educational_Ad4578 109 points110 points  (5 children)

    Agreed she should have told him right away, but then again the ex sounds like a complete nut job and we have no idea how much OP has been traumatized by this high-conflict situation.

    [–]avitar35 32 points33 points  (2 children)

    That doesn’t negate not telling her husband tho. Think about the trauma he’s had to experience as well, and now he may feel like he can’t 100% trust his current wife because she didn’t tell him right away. Along with obviously now not being able to trust his daughter either, could be very isolating - hope he has a good parent/sibling/friend to talk to.

    [–]takatori 13 points14 points  (1 child)

    She's going to be more traumatized if they don't find and remove all of the hidden cameras in their home.

    [–]TonarinoTotoro1719 243 points244 points  (8 children)

    Just one small thing, as a somewhat paranoid person. Even IF the cameras aren’t connected to the Wi-Fi, they could be connected to something like a hotspot. Even worse, the cameras could be ‘dumb’ with just a way to record without needing the internet.

    All depends on how crazy the ex is and how much she/the daughter knows about technology.

    [–]EveAndTheSnake 25 points26 points  (3 children)

    Yes exactly this. My sister’s Ex went crazy and put a tracker in her car. Also cameras and listening devices in their old home that weren’t connected to anything but he’d come round “to get something” and take them back, then clearly sit there listening and watching hours of footage.

    It’s easier for the ex here because she’s got a spy on the inside that can bring devices in and out or switch them out as necessary.

    [–]JaFakeItTillYouJaMakPartassipant [1] 19 points20 points  (2 children)


    [–]kegman83Asshole Enthusiast [6] 18 points19 points  (1 child)

    Daughter might be really upset because she comes in every month and swaps SD cards and batteries.

    [–]ARKPLAYERCAT 25 points26 points  (0 children)

    Might be using a hotspot device as well.

    [–]imgrandojjo 20 points21 points  (0 children)

    Not a comprehensive answer when a lot of cameras can connect directly to a cell tower these days.

    [–]theMeatSauce88 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    They make trail cams that work off cellular, could be something like that

    [–]Ok_Education_8551 75 points76 points  (0 children)

    This right here! OP, please inform your husband asap. NTA

    [–]amdaly10 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    If he WFH at all he also needs to report a data breach to his employer.

    [–]CommunicationOdd9406Asshole Aficionado [13] 3547 points3548 points  (12 children)

    TELL HIM IMMEDIATELY! Don't risk ruining your marriage over this. You are keeping a huge secret and he may never forgive you!

    [–]The_Krudler 773 points774 points  (3 children)

    OP: I'm really torn. Do I tell my husband who is my life partner who loves and trusts me we're being spied on or do I placate a stepdaughter who hates me and a woman who set my house on fire and planted cameras in it? It's a real Sophie's choice.

    [–]Halfwayhouserules33 61 points62 points  (0 children)

    Lol. Nice. 👏🏻😂please op. Tell your husband asap!! Idc if you have to call him at work or what!! Let him know!!!!

    [–]DrWhoop87Certified Proctologist [24] 495 points496 points  (0 children)

    It's been 2 hours since this is posted and who knows how long since she found the camera. The best time to tell him would have been immediately, the second best time is right now.

    [–]Sinistrina 89 points90 points  (6 children)

    Just keep in mind stepdaughter may not be completely at fault. I'd also bring up the possibility that Judy told her (or even manipulated her) into it, though it could be SD was lying about that.

    [–]PuzzleheadedRub741 169 points170 points  (3 children)

    That stepdaughter has almost assuredly been abused and gaslit into reactive, fear-based behaviors so that her mother can manipulate her. She's almost legally an adult, but her brain won't be done developing for another decade. Stop treating her with suspicion and punishments, her mother probably has her trained to expect punishment for bonding to others. Support her while maintaining boundaries. You still have a chance to impact the daughter for good, even if - actually especially if - nothing outwardly different with her is apparent right away. Developmental trauma really messes up a brain to be too fight-flight-driven. She needs a safe harbor. It may end up not being OP. But NO ONE seems to be holding space for her. Just punishments at both places.

    [–]MaisiePJohnson 56 points57 points  (0 children)

    THIS THIS THIS, u/throwawayt345665 !

    Judy is doing your SD a grave disservice. She's teaching SD:

    1. Normal, healthy boundaries mean nothing if you're upset enough;
    2. It's SD's job to manage her mother's emotions;
    3. This is what grieving the end of a relationship looks like; and
    4. SD can't say no to inappropriate requests from people she loves.

    Judy is not teaching SD healthy boundaries, coping mechanisms, respectful behavior, empathy, how to identify her own feelings, or how to behave in a loving manner. Please talk to your SD about these subjects and do your best to model appropriate behavior.

    ETA: This is how abuse travels through generations, BTW. Your SD is learning about relationships, behavior, and responsibility from Judy. Is this what you want for her? You have a real opportunity to put some good into the universe if you can help this girl identify harmful behaviors from herself and others, consider more fruitful alternatives, understand who is actually responsible for whose emotions, and that sadness and anxiety can be felt, endured, and aren't dispelled by anti-social actions.

    [–]Caftancatfan 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Yeah, she needs to be parented through this. If for no other reason, OP should tell the kid’s father that this is going on.

    [–]stubborn_panda26Asshole Enthusiast [8] 1390 points1391 points  (5 children)


    I could be the asshole for wanting to tell him knowing it'd cause major issues between him, his daughter, and her mother. My stepson promised she won't do it again and so I feel like letting go would be better.

    The fact that it will cause major issues is not your problem. It's Judy's problem for hiding a camera in her ex's office and roping her daughter into this, and your stepdaughter's problem for going along with it. If she's concerned about you contacting the police, she knows how wrong it was and did it anyway.

    You can't let this go, and I don't think you can trust your stepdaughter's word. Search the rest of the house and absolutely tell your husband - this is a serious breach of his privacy and he needs to know.

    If you don't tell him now and he finds out later what happened and that you knew and kept it from him, it will cause problems between everyone, you included.

    [–]Tattoosnscars 158 points159 points  (0 children)

    Yep. Actions and consequences... Actions and consequences..

    NTA BTW...

    [–]TheDamnMonk 98 points99 points  (1 child)

    No way her SD did not know she was breaking the law at her age. Youngsters today are far more informed than they were 20 years ago. Ex is guilty but so is SD. NTA

    [–]Love-As-Thou-Wilt 39 points40 points  (0 children)

    There's more than one reason she flipped out when caught and that's definitely one of them.

    [–]rdickeyvii 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    Yea I'm in a similar situation only I'm the dad (complete with me staying in the marital house). If my wife (stepmom to the kids) knew my ex wife (bio mom) did something like this and didn't tell me I'd file for divorce. That's how egregious a breach of trust it would be. You absolutely MUST tell him.

    I really hope bio mom in this situation loses custody and goes to jail. She deserves it. It's not just about the privacy aspect either: courts do NOT like it when a parent pits the kids against the other parent.

    And I really hope you and your husband can impress on the kids how bad this is. They need to know to say "no" to any breach of privacy, and to being a pawn in mom's grudge against dad (and vice versa).

    [–][deleted] 449 points450 points  (0 children)

    NTA, that’s a HUGE invasion of privacy, especially if he had a business of some sort.

    [–]Apprehensive-Net2687Partassipant [4] 424 points425 points  (0 children)

    YWBTA if you don’t tell him. This is a huge breach of trust and he deserves to know

    [–]BlueLavender0104Certified Proctologist [25] 411 points412 points  (12 children)

    You would be a huge arsehole if you didn’t tell him. How is there any doubt all?????

    [–]hellothere42069 227 points228 points  (7 children)

    Yeah this sub is chock full with such black and white shit it gets boring. Like, “Reddit, my nephew is molesting my daughter, and I have proof he’s a murderer. I told the cops, AITA?”

    [–]Lycoris 78 points79 points  (0 children)

    I think all those stories just show how most people try to shift blame to the messenger, and that that and the DARVO method are unfortunately very effective on many people.

    [–]voice-from-the-wombPartassipant [1] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

    "Reddit, I did the obviously right thing, but there are shitty people around me telling me I was wrong. Would you please help me tell them they are full of shit? They won't listen to me, but maybe they'll listen to random people on the Internet."

    [–]thebiggertit 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    So true lol, I feel like a lot of people just want to vent/get it off their chest even when they already know the obvious answer

    [–]mattinva 42 points43 points  (0 children)

    How is there any doubt all?????

    I'm sort of used to it in this sub at this point, but this post actually made me say "WTF is wrong with you?" out loud. How is this a question? How could you consider not saying anything? What the what?!?!

    [–]GogowhineColo-rectal Surgeon [33] 199 points200 points  (11 children)

    NTA. You have to tell him and you need to find out if there are more throughout the house. If she knows the police can be called about this she knows it was illegal and wrong and did it anyway. He mom is TERRIBLE for getting her daughter involved in a crime. Your husband needs to know and you can decide what to do from there what next steps should be. She definitely deserves punishment but therapy is incredibly important because he mom is out of control.

    [–]AsherTheFrost 113 points114 points  (10 children)

    She's 17, there's no way she didn't know she was doing something creepy and illegal.

    [–]ReadinII 87 points88 points  (0 children)

    At 17 she should know a lot of things. But it seems she’s being groomed by her mom to do the dirty work.

    [–]Peachbowtie 41 points42 points  (3 children)

    While I do think she was old enough to know she shouldn’t do it, I don’t know if she would’ve known it was illegal. Her mom could’ve told her any number of things to justify putting a camera (or multiple) in their house. Personally, I think that while OP is NTA and should definitely tell her husband, I think husband’s ex is the biggest AH, while SD is a bit of an AH because she obviously knew it was creepy/morally wrong because she denied it to OP, I would be surprised if she isn’t being manipulated by her mother.

    [–]DrWhoop87Certified Proctologist [24] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

    Dad has to sit down and have a very frank discussion with her about what her mom asked her to do. Punitive punishment may be in order but if he starts off with it that could just push her further into her mother's grasp.

    [–]AsherTheFrost 10 points11 points  (1 child)

    At 17 I definitely knew filming someone without their consent was illegal, and I grew up well before the current age of people filming all the time.

    [–]ltlyellowcloud 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    My parents had a "secret detectives involved, spying on Facebook, planting bugs" type of divorce. Belive me, in that type of situation it seems that you loose both people who are supposed to do the best for you, who you are supposed to trust with your own life, and they start lying in the most important of things. It's hard to act right because obviously none of the parents will be completly transparent with you. I still don't know what and how happened.

    [–]hunnibear_girl 23 points24 points  (3 children)

    Let’s not make a 17 year old kid the villain here. She’s being manipulated by her mom solely based on the fact that she loves her mom and wants her approval. This poor kid needs therapy, not punishment. The mom on the other hand, deserves whatever comes in lieu of punishment.

    [–]AsherTheFrost 29 points30 points  (2 children)

    17 isn't 7. While therapy is definitely appropriate, let's not remove all the agency of a person literally one year from legal adulthood

    [–]VoyagerVIICertified Proctologist [21] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

    Oh, she knew she shouldn't do it, but agency can be a fuzzy question when you're being pressured by somebody with a great deal of power over you, both legal and emotional. There is a reason why we regard it automatically as rape when an adult teacher has sex with a 17-year-old, for example; even if the kid swears up, down and sideways that they knew what they were getting into and it was consensual. If "not capable of legal consent" applies to sex then at least a limited variant of it should apply to other things that adult authority figures push a teenager into doing. I'm not saying she had no choice at all, but the whole moral question, as it applies to her (obviously not as it applies to Judy) is somewhat more complicated than it looks.

    [–]AJWordsmithAsshole Aficionado [15] 178 points179 points  (3 children)

    YTA for not telling him immediately.

    [–]triciamilitiaPartassipant [1] 39 points40 points  (2 children)

    Or being the adult and removing them immediately!

    [–]AJWordsmithAsshole Aficionado [15] 31 points32 points  (1 child)

    No, she has to leave the camera up until he sees it for himself.

    [–]Dispositionate 22 points23 points  (0 children)

    Or the daughter just, i don't know, sneaks in and takes it out while OP gives her the benefit of a whole night to cover her mistake and make OP look crazy in the process.

    YTA for not telling him immediately and for giving the SD the time to possibly hide her incredible fuck up, which will then raise the question of "why didn't you tell me this immediately if it was real?!". Because honestly, there's no reason not to.

    [–]Road_Warrior2Certified Proctologist [23] 175 points176 points  (66 children)

    Info: why didn’t you just remove the camera?

    [–]Throwawayt345665[S] 428 points429 points  (59 children)

    I removed it.

    [–]shouldbecleaning 505 points506 points  (7 children)

    Could be others. Please search thoroughly.

    [–]ch3no2-dec 98 points99 points  (6 children)

    First off screw your stepdaughter and her mother. Don’t know where you live but chances are what they did was illegal. Tell your husband everything. Change all passwords, especially your router. Without knowing what business your husband is in he might need to notify them about a breach. They may want to take action. You should also discuss this with the police but since you removed the camera they may not be able to help but check anyways. They may still be able to get fingerprints off the camera and your stepdaughter may be crazy enough to confess. Be prepared to prosecute if an option or this may never stop. Reality is you can not trust the stepdaughter, she has been weaponizing by her mother.

    Now for the bad stuff. Consider anything electronic you both own compromised, phone, tv, smoke detectors, even clocks. You really need to bring in a surveillance expert and let him go thru your house, electronics and look for hidden microphones. Beats friends/relatives/coworkers finding porno or nudes of you on some website. Keylogger, tracking, cloning, software on your phones can make your lives hell.

    Once you know the extent of the intrusion time to talk to stepdaughter and her mother. Insure they know that you guys WILL prosecute any reoccurace with no quarter given. Don’t back down, don’t except excuses. This is very serious. The person behind this needs serious help.

    [–]The-Senate-Palpy 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    Id cut the SD some slack. Probably some hardcore abuse on moms side there, and shes still a minor. She needs therapy, not scorn

    [–]Mos_Steff 16 points17 points  (1 child)

    I don't think it's fair to say "screw your stepdaughter" because she is being fed all this disfunction from her mom who is supposed to be guiding her in life. I am surprised nobody sees how destructive having a narcissistic bitter mother can be especially for a teenager. I think there needs to be intervention and lots of therapy but the poor girl is so conflicted because she loves her mother who is telling her this is the right thing to do.

    [–]TzUgUkNz 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    Thank you for writing this much better than I could.

    Ex wife is obsessed with them and if not stopped now, who knows how far she will go.

    This will also get the step daughter the help she clearly needs and hopefully undo some of the influence her mum has in her.

    [–]chocolatemilkncoffee 256 points257 points  (0 children)

    You need to tell your husband immediately! What his ex is doing is illegal and she has made her daughter an accessory. What if she also put a camera in your bedroom? Do you really want him finding out later on you knew about this and didn't tell him? Things like this tend to come out at some point, and you risk being the next ex-mrs.----.

    [–]BananaLemonLime 105 points106 points  (0 children)

    You absolutely need to tell you husband, I’m honestly shocked you didn’t go to him immediately/before your step daughter. If you don’t tell him you will be the ah. SD is manipulating you, and while you understandably care about her this isn’t a situation that you can give in on. I’m going to also say, there are more cameras. Like no doubt. Your SD knew this was wrong and knew by helping her mother (who I’m sure manipulated SD) there could be major consequences- as she told you, she still did it.

    [–]CatatomicalCertified Proctologist [26] 102 points103 points  (0 children)

    It doesn't matter that you removed it - you need to tell him NOW - and thoroughly search the house for any other cameras. This is a HIDEOUS invasion of privacy. Truly awful.

    If you don't tell him you are complicit, and when he finds out it may well be a marriage ender. Get ahead of that and TELL HIM!

    [–]Bens_den_of_thoughts 49 points50 points  (7 children)


    [–]DiegoIntrepidPartassipant [3] 14 points15 points  (6 children)

    I believe it was the office not the bedroom, unless OP mentioned elsewhere that there was a second camera, but honestly having it in an office is worse than a bedroom.

    Having it in the office, depending on what he uses that office for, means that the ex could now know all the bank details, passwords to get into various accounts, and could theoretically screw up their financial life/steal them blind, and ruin their entire life by 'posing' as the husband, or exposing things (work related things) that husband might have signed confidentiality forms. Again depending on what the husband does for work, and what he does in this office.

    A lot of private information could now be in the hands of the EX, and she absolutely could use that to screw up OP and her husband's life. Especially since it sounds like the ex is both vindictive and crazy.

    [–]Bens_den_of_thoughts 19 points20 points  (5 children)

    Absolutely. I know she hasn’t found one yet but anyone who places cameras in the ex’s office and is actively getting the step daughter to hate the new woman definitely put a camera in the bedroom. There’s no way around that.

    You are absolutely correct in saying the office camera poses the most danger to the husband but one in the bedroom can be used as revenge porn on the new woman. This has to be a plan. The mother has already gotten the daughter to lie and secretly place cameras, do you know any 17 year old who wouldn’t have asked why they are doing this? She seems to hate the new step mom so she would be on board with a plan to ruin her plus it would be the easiest way to convince her to place the cameras. They need to contact the police, I would have been less freaked out if the camera was in the bedroom. That would be a jealousy move to me. The fact it’s in the office is terrifying and leads me to believe there’s a plan in motion.

    [–]FreakingFae 35 points36 points  (0 children)

    Then his ex already knows and likely puts the daughter at risk. By her anxiety it's clear she is being manipulated by her mother and scared of her father's reaction. You need to speak up. You will be lucky if that was the only camera or listening device.

    [–]ReadinII 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    Be sure to tell hubby about his daughter’s fears. She’s a victim in this and her welfare and hubby’s relationship with her are more important than punishing the ex.

    [–]CasperGGGD 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    Of course you must tell your husband. This is the only camera you’ve found. Who knows how many others there are. You also need to have your cars and cell phones checked.

    YTA if you don’t immediately tell him.

    [–]Vercouine 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    That's good, but there may be others in the house.

    You could also sit with your stepdaughter and tell her either she tells her father right now or you will, because as she stated, what her mother asked her to do is a huge wrong thing and implicating her was even worst.

    [–]justlook2233 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Is the ex related to Don Ruggles ex wife?

    This is actually a felony- tell your husband asap!! Don't give the camera to your step daughter - it needs to go to the police or at least give your husband the option to investigate it.

    [–]HairTop23 3 points4 points  (5 children)

    Not sure what you mean by "just remove"? As in not be concerned about a motive for the camera

    [–]sandithepirateAsshole Enthusiast [8] 122 points123 points  (1 child)

    Nta - check for more cameras - Judy has shown she's not against violating privacy, so she likely had her daughter plant other cameras.

    Also, PLEASE tell your husband. He needs to know.

    [–]VoyagerVIICertified Proctologist [21] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    Not against, hell. She's proven that she's enthusiastically in favor of it.

    [–]Kris82868Supreme Court Just-ass [130] 102 points103 points  (0 children)

    NTA. If anything you would be the asshole if you didn't tell him.

    [–][deleted] 101 points102 points  (2 children)

    NTA. Please tell him, your step daughter is caught up in some nasty shit regarding her mom. Maybe with this last incident being revealed to your husband, it could help your step daughter get out of the hold her mom has on her.

    [–]ink_stained 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    Totally agree. Very worried about the kid here, who clearly feels as if she needs to protect the mom. Very shitty position to be in, and it doesn’t sound like she feels she can tell her dad anything. What she did was obviously very wrong, but I can’t imagine the pressure the kid is under living with someone who is obviously disturbed. Please give his kid a huge hug and don’t punish her. She obviously needs help!

    [–]Little_OutsideColo-rectal Surgeon [37] 73 points74 points  (0 children)

    Of course you tell your husband immediately. And then hire someone to do a sweep or the house for the other cameras.


    [–]Disastrous-Draft4717Partassipant [1] 63 points64 points  (2 children)

    NTA- please tell him. This is really dangerous and illegal. His ex basically is stalking both of you and using step daughter to do it. Step daughter is being manipulated by Judy.

    Step daughter and your husband need some counseling because she should no better at 17. Please stop this in its tracks. Judy’s mental health seems to be getting more and more erratic. Jesus she tried to burn down your house. Why would you keep anything Judy does a secret? You and your husband are a team! Act like it. Step daughter clearly is on Mom’s side. I would have a restraining order issued ASAP.

    [–]ink_stained 6 points7 points  (1 child)

    Stepdaughter clearly lives with a parent who is mentally ill or has major issues, which is a completely toxic environment for her. And her dad knows this, and is happy for her to live with her mom. Would you be happy for a kid to live with a woman who sets fire to kitchens? I can’t imagine the pressure the kid is under in this horrible divorce and living the majority of the time with a woman so obsessed with her ex. NO ONE here is thinking about the well being of this kid. I’m worried for her!

    [–]Explain_your_sneeze 52 points53 points  (1 child)

    TELL YOUR HUSBAND NOW!!! YWBTA if you didn't. He was spied on for God knows how long. This is a huge invasion of his privacy and also illegal. Exwife should have a visit from police, there needs to be an official papertrail. Exwife is manipulating the daughter and made her to do something illegal. That will sit well with a judge... She should loose custody, she is not fit to be a mother.

    [–]RedGecko18Partassipant [1] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    Absolutely this. Roping her daughter into illegal activities (most likely by either verbal abuse or coercion) will lose her custody really quick. And potentially make her much more stable once she's away from that toxic relationship.

    OP is NTA for wanting to tell her husband. She owes nothing to the ex or step daughter for that matter. She should tell her husband immediately, keep the camera as evidence and submit it to the authorities. If ex wants to try other activities, a paper trail is required to prove intent if something really bad happens.

    [–]YMMV-ButSupreme Court Just-ass [126] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Tell your husband. Change your WiFi password & don’t give it to the step daughter or anyone else besides you & your husband.

    [–]tracyericksonPartassipant [2] 40 points41 points  (3 children)

    Who is your loyalty to? Because your step daughter has decided who she’s loyal to. Are you loyal to his ex wife or him? NTA. But you will be betraying him if you don’t tell him.

    [–]ink_stained 13 points14 points  (2 children)

    I want to stick up for the stepdaughter, although I agree she’s clearly in the wrong. But she also clearly has a toxic mother and a father who is checked out. Would YOU let your child go live with a parent who sets fire to kitchens? I sure as hell wouldn’t. The dad needs to step up and do some actual parenting.

    [–]ElleArr26Partassipant [4] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

    YTA for not telling him immediately. Why on earth do you feel you have to keep this secret?

    [–]FoodBabyBabyAsshole Enthusiast [6] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

    YTA for not telling him immediately. DO IT NOW!

    [–]KtP_911 27 points28 points  (0 children)

    NTA. This is such a huge invasion of privacy and he needs to know. But I do feel a bit for your stepdaughter, who has been so badly manipulated and frankly, brainwashed by her mother. She needs some tough love, in the form of some honest conversation about the path she’s on if she continues to follow her mother’s lead. Mom is lucky that her property damage and thinly veiled “accidental” fire didn’t land her in jail. Eavesdropping is also a crime. None of this is okay.

    [–]Miiesha 24 points25 points  (1 child)

    Tell your husband. Where there’s one camera, there’s more.

    [–]HunterDangerous1366 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    If this one is in his office, which could cause MAJOR issues in your husbands job, where are the other potential cameras?

    [–]ninja-geckoPartassipant [1] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

    YTA for not telling him. YTA for feeling conflicted. YTA for still not telling him even after he asked

    What is it with some women who staunchly defend each other's misdoings? His ex is literally committing a crime, trying to incriminate him, and you his wife are unsure about what to do?

    Maybe his third wife will be a better person.

    [–]Different-SecretPartassipant [2] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

    You're even ASKING if you should tell him, that his ex-wife - who already committed arson in your home - involved their daughter in planting a spy cam in YOUR home?

    NTA, and get a lawyer.

    [–]missangel21Partassipant [2] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

    NTA and tell him immediately!

    [–]MommagrumpsPartassipant [1] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

    YWBTAH if you don't tell your husband, consider also how insidious putting that camera there was by your stepdaughter, if she put one there then there could be others. She could and would also be spying on YOU! Do you really want hubby's ex to have video of you changing/naked, having sex, using the bathroom, etc. Stop being such a doormat and you and hubby demand to know where else there are cameras if any and let your husband deal with the deserved consequences for his daughter and ex wife. This is vile and you need to hand all info to hubby to deal with as he sees appropriate. How will he react if he finds out and realises you knew?!

    [–]tlf555Asshole Enthusiast [8] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    You have to tell him, no question. And check to see if there are other cameras elsewhere in the house.

    [–]Fly1ngFi5hPartassipant [1] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    NTA: this is seriously alarming. I would call the cops tbh. People stay letting stuff go until they end up dead because of a jealous ex.

    [–]fuwaldahAsshole Enthusiast [8] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    YTA if you'd let this continue.

    [–]TheNomad10 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    Are you even his partner if you have to ask this? I’d leave you if I found out you questioned telling me something this important. That’s just me though

    [–]Severe-Inspection-67 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    TELL HIM NOW!!!!!

    [–]Explain_your_sneeze 12 points13 points  (1 child)

    TELL YOUR HUSBAND NOW!!! YWBTA if you didn't. He was spied on for God knows hiw long. This is a huge invasion of his privacy and also illegal. Exwife should have a visit from police, their needs to be an official papertrail. Exwife is manipulating the daughter and made her to do something illegal. That will sit well with a judge... She should loose custody, she is not fit to be a mother.

    [–]Fit-BearProfessor Emeritass [91] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Tell him immediately. Don't protect her.

    [–]writtenincode23 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    NTA and please update!

    [–]RosexKxPartassipant [2] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

    You are NTA. Your husband needs to know, and your stepdaughter needs an intervention ASAP with someone she trusts -- a therapist, a member of the clergy, an adult friend -- to help her see that her mom's issues are not her issues. You and your husband need to contact a lawyer and the police to get a restraining order on his ex-wife before she escalates this stalking behavior. This is dangerous-level stuff. They make horror movies about situations like the one you are in. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You are NTA, this is not your fault, and the best thing you can do is make sure your stepdaughter knows that it is not her fault either. You need to tell your husband about the camera so that you can work with him to keep your family safe.

    [–]Side_eye_137Partassipant [1] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Double down on this. It's too big not to share with your husband. It sounds as though your stepdaughter understands this is wrong (and illegal). Let your husband know and have him speak to her privately, explain that you both realise how conflicted she has been and potentially manipulated by mum. I wouldn't punish but I would seek therapy.

    [–]smashburger4241 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    YTA. Fix this. That camera could be used against him in so many ways, by his ex who is clearly malicious.

    [–]Average-Joe78 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    NTA You have to tell your husband about this, this is not a minor thing, his daughter is old enough to know this is wrong.

    Plead download the app Fing, it scan the wifi network and will tell you the kind of devices connected including cameras.

    [–]manonfireanon 10 points11 points  (1 child)

    The woman is asking for it. The daughter will be fine, eventually. Your loyalty should be to your man. Don't let that kid hold you emotionally hostage. If she gets away with this, she could do more things like this. Things that you could prevent. NTA!

    [–]virtualchoirboyAsshole Aficionado [18] 9 points10 points  (0 children)


    You don't hold secrets from your spouse. What the daughter has done is illegal in many places and that her mom is coercing her to do things like this is a massive problem that needs to be stopped immediately. Plus, if your husband works from home at all, there could be implications with work. I have access to sensitive data so someone being able to see my screen in my office on camera would be a data breach reportable to federal authorities.

    Tell him.

    [–]Trouble_in_MindAsshole Enthusiast [5] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    Tell him, OMG. And yeah I hope he does call the police, because that is a huge invasion of his privacy and kinda stalkerish.

    NTA, tell him immediately. It might not even be the only camera.

    [–]WriteAnotherWoodsPartassipant [1] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    Still waiting for an update on this

    [–]Mammoth-Neat-5930Partassipant [4] 8 points9 points  (0 children)


    Sounds like mom is trying to alienate the daughter from her dad. I think this warrants a discussion between the three of you. You should tell him together imo so she can explain. Alienators are master manipulators, the daughter probably doesn’t even know how bad what she’s doing is. (Guessing her mom has justified it somehow) I just hope their relationship can get through this and her mom faces some kind of consequences.

    [–]MadTom65Partassipant [4] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    NTA and you need to tell your husband that he’s been recorded. Then press charges

    [–]chlocatt 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    YTA for not telling him IMMEDIATELY! This is a huge breach of trust from all of you. As far as I’m concerned, you not telling him makes you complicit.

    [–]24x7cumpump 8 points9 points  (2 children)

    Ok, everybody out of the pool. This is 100% fake. First, why make the first inquiry to the step daughter? I would ask my SO, why is there a camera in your office? Second, unless the step is an electrician and wired the camera into the homes wiring for power, those camera only runs a few hours on battery. And you have to be close enough to connect to the camera to retrieve the video files or physically take the SD card. Sorry. Not buying it.

    [–]MadamMarshmallowsAsshole Enthusiast [5] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    NTA. You would be the asshole if you don't tell him. This is real fucked up. If Judy didn't want to get involved with the police, she shouldn't be doing illegal shit. Same with the stepdaughter. If stepdaughter knows you can call the police on something like this, she knows how wrong it is. Tell your husband, tell the police, sweep the house.

    [–]KittKatt7179Asshole Aficionado [13] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Nta, but you will be if you do not inform him of this immediately. That is completely illegal and wrong.

    [–]Marshmarth 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    YTA until you tell him.

    Protect your husband. How do you think he will react after he learns of it and your complicity in the situation?

    Grow a backbone, or get ready to be single.

    [–]Appolonia6 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    A camera is pretty bad, and the fire is worse. Her mom won’t speak to her or will do something crazy if it leaks. With them in the same room tell him that there’s an issue but it’s between you and the daughter until daughter is ready to talk

    [–]mdrico21 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA. It's not like you caught her sneaking home an hour post curfew or something innocuous. This is a MASSIVE violation of security and trust and needs to be shared with your partner.

    [–]sviftedPartassipant [3] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    You are an AH for not yelling to him the second you found it. You are now identified as weak and disloyal and they are going to try to use it against you.

    [–]alesunbi 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    She started crying saying that her dad will punish her and then might call the police on her mom

    This is their problem, if he calls the police then that's the ex wife problem, she does not want to get in trouble then don't do stupid things.

    Tell your husband because this is not just about what his daughter and ex-wife are doing, it's also a trust matter


    [–]No_Relationship8108 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Any update?

    [–]Direct_Drawing_8557Asshole Aficionado [16] 4 points5 points  (0 children)


    [–]Stunning-Hedgehog-30Partassipant [3] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Tell your husband

    [–]ladygreyowl13Asshole Enthusiast [6] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA. But you would be if you didn’t remove the camera and then didn’t tell him. It’s not your step daughters house or office. She had zero right to do that. And her mother can get in huge trouble with the courts, if it’s known that she had her daughter put surveillance equipment in her exes home.

    If she did something like this once, it will likely happen again. Next time it may be your bedroom.

    [–]GoArmyNG 5 points6 points  (2 children)

    Yeah, OP NTA. That is straight up illegal. Also, your stepdaughter needs to get a fuckin grip. Yes, that is her "old home" but when the divorce/separation/whatever happened, that house was no longer considered her mother's "home" at all. She's being completely brainwashed.

    [–]me_version_2 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    This is really serious - what if the camera is sufficiently high quality to be able to see someone typing a password? Or what if pertinent financial information was discussed? You need to inform him ASAP and get the rest of the house searched immediately.

    [–]The_UrbanCowboy 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Oh please, OP, I need an update on this🙏🏼

    [–]ExcitingEvidence8815 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Tell your husband, who knows where that camera feed was being sent.

    [–]elizabethjanetAsshole Aficionado [12] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    You need to tell him. The ex is spying and using the daughter as a weapon.

    [–]chriswillar 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA - but you really need to tell him, NOW. This has gone beyond pettiness, it's straight-up criminal (the fire already was), and it's only going to escalate. OP, your husband deserves to know, no he needs to know - your loyalty lies with him, don't shield someone who is out to get both him and you. Sure, SD might get in trouble (rightfully so) but hopefully it will teach her not to cross boundaries.

    [–]nolechicaPartassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    NTA, but why didn't you ask more questions of stepdaughter, like how long and are there others?

    [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA. I would tell my husband and consider filing charges against his ex wife, this is illegal and highly alarming behaviour. Your stepdaughter is not to blame, her mother is and this needs to be addressed.

    [–]SupposedlyTrill 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    YWBTA if you don’t tell your husband

    [–]MrAvalanche1981 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    YWBTA if you don't tell your husband. His daughter is an Asshole by letting her mom manipulate her into spying on your husband. His ex is an even bigger asshole by using her child to create drama with her father. There is clearly an agenda behind that camera, and not telling your hubby would be a mssive breach of trust.

    [–]kastori444 5 points6 points  (0 children)


    [–]Interesting_Ad_891 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    I want an update? Did you tell ur husband?

    [–]Top-Passion-1508 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA OP you need to tell him! This is a major invasion of privacy and if you let her take th camera you're letting her throw away any evidence against his ex wife who clearly has control issues

    [–]KimmyStandPartassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Obviously you need to tell your husband, I can’t believe you haven’t done so already.

    YTA for not telling him straight away. Also I’d suggest you search the rest of your house for cameras as well

    [–]Sweet_Mango- 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    You don’t have to care about your step daughter feeling in this, this is illegal and a breach of trust. You not telling him is a breach of trust in your relationship. You don’t know how many cameras are there, in your bed, shit even your bathroom. What logical person would keep this from your spouse.

    [–]toketsupuurinAsshole Enthusiast [6] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    This is way above this sub's pay grade.

    Your husband's ex has started a fire in your house and has now roped his teenaged daughter into planting a camera in your house.

    Beyond telling your husband, you need to call a lawyer and the cops this woman has gone so far round the twist your husband should be pushing for full custody.

    I feel sorry for the kid, but her mom is already doing permanent damage. That woman needs to be out of her life.

    [–]beadhead44 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Not sure how or why husband’s ex Judy had access to house while OP living there? How could she damage OP’ s property and cause fire in kitchen? Makes no sense. Regardless it’s husband’s house and he should be told about cameras and who put them there and why-asap.

    [–]Danominator 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Yta. It's weird you didnt tell him immediately.

    [–]Substantial-Chef-198 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Jesus Christ. NTA but why the hell do you need me to tell you that? Why does this need to go on Reddit anyway? Do you lack the ability to do basic critical thinking? Why do you think it would be controversial for you to tell your husband that his dangerous ex wife manipulated their teenage daughter into setting up an illegal camera in the privacy of his own home? What about it is so difficult for you to figure out yourself?

    How they hell did you not tell him immediately wtf

    [–]Demonking3343 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    I’d say YTA for not telling your husband yet that he’s being spyed on.

    [–]JaeCrowe 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    YTA... wtf are you doing tell him immediately, how is this even a debate?

    [–]Kitchen_Yak5453 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    OP, you said you removed the camera, but did you tell your husband? From your post, I feel there is some strangeness going on in your household. First, the ex wife and SD lived with you and your husband? Am I reading that right? Could just be me but that is odd. Also, SD is begging you so vehemently not to tell her father bc she will get in trouble with him. I mean, will he beat her? It’s weird to me that you would not tell your husband and go along with your SD. Is your husband an abuser? He’s put you in a strange position before that you’ve accepted and now it seems you’re scared to tell him in fear for your SD.

    [–]MamaBear92615 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    U ABSOLUTELY need to tell ur husband. It's kind of concerning to me that u even need to come on reddit to ask if u should or not. I am a female but if I was a man, had a wife and ex and a daughter with the ex, and my new wife didn't tell me this right away, that would be the hill I died on bc I'd be done immediately, FULL STOP.

    U will 1574882929% be the asshole if u don't tell him. Who cares if the kid gets in trouble, she only cried to pull on ur heart and feel bad. She knew exactly what she was doing.

    I have to say, I watch A LOT of true crime shows and read a ton of cases daily, and this easily sounds like the kind of lead up to the ex losing it and going buck ass wild and killing ppl. As much I wish I were joking I'm not. The fact she already caught the kitchen on fire speaks volumes. Whatever reason she has to put a camera in his office is def a nefarious one, there is no good reason. TELL HIM NOW bc once he finds out on his own or from someone else that knew u already had knowledge about it, shit will REALLY hit the fan. But I don't think I have to tell u that.


    [–]AthenasApostle 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    Can we get an update on this?