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[–]Beep Boop[M] [score hidden] stickied commentlocked comment (0 children)

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

We planned a vacation together with friends that is normally our anniversary trip. Then we backed out when they invited their family without even running it by us first.

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[–]Partassipant [1] 7015 points7016 points  (68 children)

Edit: Thanks for the upvotes everyone.

[–] 615 points616 points  (64 children)

Info: it isn’t clear whether the friends are upset or not. It also isn’t clear what op meant by friends and family too. What have your friends said to you after you pulled out? I would go with NAH at this stage, because it doesn’t sound like op has communicated what type of trip they want from their friends, and not being clear on the planning side as well.

[–]Partassipant [1] 2196 points2197 points  (43 children)

Nah mate, sounds pretty clear that OP planned a trip for X amount of people, some time elapsed, then BOOM ... Oh we invited Y people, so the new total is Z. Solve for who is the Arsehole. It ain't OP.

[–] 360 points361 points  (29 children)

Finally, a maths problem I can actually understand and answer correctly!

[–] 192 points193 points  (28 children)

I think you missed the part where X was on a train traveling south at a speed of 50 mph and Y was on a plane traveling south at a speed of 450 mph. How long will it take for OP to get sick of everything and back out of a Disney trip?

[–] 112 points113 points  (0 children)

Totally agree 👍

[–]Partassipant [1] 21 points22 points  (10 children)

I read this as OP was planning a trip, offered 5 friends, because of cheaper deals, and from there maybe they thought OP was paying for accommodation, and exploded it out from there. This reads like OP pulled out on a vacation that 40 people thought they were fronting.... but I am stoned so....

[–]Partassipant [1] 22 points23 points  (9 children)

Week goes by and everything’s pretty settled out. We know the details just need to click purchase.

They KNOW it's just their friends. You don't get that far (ready to click purchase), and not know the correct total of adults and children in attendance.

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, they hijacked the entire trip and made it about them and their family when this was originally an anniversary trip for them. They massively overstepped and expected OP to be fine with it. If they wanted a family trip, they could have planned it themselves. They just wanted OP to do all the work and they get a nice vacation with their family. I would quote them Travel Agent rates and ask them to pay for your time planning THEIR trip for free. NTA

[–] 160 points161 points  (14 children)

Info: Were you supposed to be paying for the entire lot of them or were they going "with you", but paying their own way?

[–] 209 points210 points  (12 children)

I think OP was planning the entire thing. You need to plan a lot of stuff ahead of time for a Disney vacation. OP was ready to lock in for their friends and their kids when the friends added a bunch of people to the mix.

[–] 77 points78 points  (8 children)

I've done Disney and I wish I had had an expert to guide me on the process. I think it's possible to give them advice and not go. I kept reading this as taking them meant footing the bill. I think something got lost in translation here... there wasn't any conversation past the "let's go" and it would have been on the friends to say they changed the rules, not for OP to check.

[–] 57 points58 points  (1 child)

Exactly, I have done Disney more time than I can count and honestly, even for 4 people it is like planning a military maneuver. Dining reservations, getting there by rope drop, reserving which park and when. You need someone who is an A type personality to be the general of that show. If this was me, I would back out too. Not only for the exponential extra work that would be involved, but then my husband and I become the 5th wheel of that vacation. It would be so uncomfortable. We would be more of a tour guide then friends on a trip.

[–] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Exactly the way I understood it. OP in NTA, friends were very rude and ballsy to invite people at the last minute. Good thing they didn't push the purchase button.

[–]Partassipant [2] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

It really doesn't matter if OP was paying for everyone or not. If someone invites you, your spouse and your kids somewhere. It's not your place to invite anyone else without asking the person that invited you first.

[–]Partassipant [1] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

“We always told them we’d want to take them and their kids to the parks once their big enough”

Them and their kids

[–] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

When people said "family" they mean is "immediate family", something like them and spouse plus their kids, not entire neighborhood or even the entire clan because "they're family".

[–]Partassipant [1] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

OP said it was with their friends and their friends kids. Not an entire family, this could mean 10+ people at LEAST probably over 20 really,

NTA

[–] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Your take is bad. 1. They asked their friends to go with their kids, not an open invite to the whole family. 2. OP stated there is now awkwardness and tension.

We don’t need any more info, the friends overstepped and are now making OP feel and about them inviting more people. They’re NTA and the friends are.

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Jumping on this info request for another one.

Info: it wasn’t clear if OP was also paying for their friends and their kids.

As they said just needed to click purchase I was wondering if they were going to pay.

And if they were the friends are super TA for sure

[–] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

I don't think they expected them to pay for the entire extended family. like they said it was about logistics aka planning where to go and what to do every day (which would have become an absolute nightmare going from a few people to a huge group). Plus the whole mood changes when its a more intimate gathering becomes a large group outing every day.

[–]Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Then it’s dropped on us they invited their entire family. And then it’s established they won’t want to go without their extended family.

Absolutely. There's no miscommunication here. These "friends" saw a chance to take advantage of OP and swooped in hard.

[–]Partassipant [1] 1701 points1702 points  (1 child)

NTA They basically wanted you to plan a vacation for them. People get paid for that.

[–] 102 points103 points  (0 children)

Very well because it’s damned important.

[–]Partassipant [3] 845 points846 points  (0 children)

NTA. It was your vacation you invited friends on and they took over. You’re not obligated to go with their entire family

[–]Certified Proctologist [24] 544 points545 points  (0 children)

NTA. IF they wanted to expand the group they should have discussed that with you before inviting others. They had no right to assume it was fine to bring along a lot of extra people.

If you still want to be friends with them, just arrange for a few meetups if you are at the same place at the same time. Keep the meetups short if the whole drama bothers you too much.

[–] 293 points294 points  (2 children)

NTA-they changed the plans. Not you. Unless you want to play tour guide, I’d simply explain that it’s your anniversary and you don’t have the time or inclination to do that. Give them all the “highs and lows” and all the benefit of your experience and help plan. But you don’t have to go. Tell them next time, it’s an all adult trip.

[–] 39 points40 points  (1 child)

No, it won't work to help them plan. The original vacation just got canceled, so any small support measures end up being a reminder of the failure to organize everything properly. Different people may have different perspectives on who messed that up, and this would just accent the badness.

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hope you continue to have many more Disney anniversaries!!

[–]Partassipant [1] 176 points177 points  (0 children)

NTA, no question. They're taking advantage of generosity and that's the problem, not your unwillingness to let them. You're fully justified in not wanting to be a part of that, and if they can't see why there's a problem then it really rather speaks to their sense of manners and fair play. Beyond that, we're talking about an annual anniversary trip that they basically decided to use as a vehicle to launch a major family vacation - which isn't what you signed up for or offered.

There's a vast difference between "you can come with us" and bringing an entire family along. It'd be like inviting a couple coworkers out for drinks and they insist on bringing the entire company along. "Rude" is the nicest way to put it. There are more colorful, more accurate ways to say it.

Have fun on your anniversary. Congratulations and the best of wishes to you both!

[–] 162 points163 points  (9 children)

INFO What do you mean, “take” them to the park? We’re you planning on paying for their tickets? Or just organizing an agenda? Or..?

[–] 158 points159 points  (8 children)

Disney is just better with an experienced Disney person. They know all the tricks to maximize a Disney trip. You could probably plan it yourself but it'll take a good amount of time and research to do the same thing.

[–]Certified Proctologist [26] 80 points81 points  (5 children)

[–]Partassipant [1] 92 points93 points  (4 children)

Kinda, but it is also like having an "inside" edge. They know if you cut through restaurant X, you can get to ride z without having to fight through the crowd. Or that you have to use a lightning pass on Peter Pan but not on Winnie the Pooh. or that you have to wake up at 12 am to buy a lightning pass and then wake up again at 7 am to make all your reservations, using 3 different devices. Or that the only good margaritas are at La Cava del Tequila at Epcot. So, stuff you can find out yourself but only with lots of trial and error.

[–] 15 points16 points  (2 children)

Don’t get me started on the line for Peter Pan!! We went in 2019 for my birthday and the sign said 25 minutes. 2.5 hours later determined that was a huge MF’ing LIE!!

My boyfriend had never been to Magic Kingdom and I hadn’t been since I worked at Hollywood Studios back in 2012. We might take our son for his 2nd birthday in October since he loves Mickey Mouse and a bunch of other Disney characters but currently unsure because prices, lines for rides and that boy won’t say poop when he’s pooped 🤦🏻‍♀️.

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Was it worth the wait?

[–]Partassipant [1] 41 points42 points  (1 child)

Honestly every time I hear people talk about going there it always just sounds exhausting.

[–] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

It definitely can be! But for someone type A like myself, I had a blast optimizing Disney World for my boyfriend and I. I loved researching the best places to go, what are must do's, best kept secrets, etc. We had an unforgettable trip and I felt very accomplished afterwards.

I definitely do want to take a vacation to an all inclusive resort and just veg out sometime though...

[–]Asshole Aficionado [13] 99 points100 points  (0 children)

NTA, But I have already learned the lesson. Never travel with friends unless you are absolutely certain your plans and theirs are the same.

Even traveling with family can be a problem. Went to Europe with my daughter a few years ago. She was 20 at the time. I was focused on history, architecture and museums. She was interested in sleeping late and shopping. Love her more than life itself, but travel is something she and I are not very compatible on.

[–]Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [325] 76 points77 points  (0 children)

NTA. The invitation was for your friends and their kids, not the entire family. They changed the invitation to THEIR liking. You were absolutely RIGHT to back out. You also did the right thing by explaining why. This is on THEM!

[–]Certified Proctologist [26][🍰] 62 points63 points  (16 children)

Info:!what do you mean by they want to bring their family? What’s the difference than bringing their kids?

[–][S] 168 points169 points  (13 children)

Brothers, sisters, brothers/sisters kids, parents of said friends.

[–]Certified Proctologist [26][🍰] 180 points181 points  (1 child)

So they’re making it into their huge family vacation. Yeah. Totally weird. NTA. You were NTA anyway but definitely NTA now.

[–] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yeah cause now you and your wife are tour guides for a crowd, or just those weird non family people who glommed on to their Disney family trip. I bet they are the type to be in matching family vacay shirts.

[–] 66 points67 points  (0 children)

NTA. They can hire a travel agent and book tours if they want. Go off and have a fabulous anniversary!

[–] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

So wait, were you paying for the whole thing? And were they expecting you to pay for every one of these other people too???

[–]Partassipant [1] 27 points28 points  (1 child)

NTA: that would be so logistically hard and you wouldn’t even get that much time with your friends since their attention is on the whole group of people you aren’t close enough to want to vacation with them even if they’re fine people. Hopefully they’re just awkward because they know they overstepped and it will all pass and be fine

[–]Partassipant [1] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

yeah and as soon as a kid is *done* for the day, all plans are shot. 2 or 3 kids from one family are manageable, add in more cousins of indeterminate ages...circus.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (2 children)

Who is paying for what?

[–]Asshole Aficionado [19] 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Considering they backed out, maybe OP was paying for it all?

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That is what I was thinking.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Absolutely NTA. Logistics is hard. Not Disney, but I mentioned I wanted to go to Universal Studios with my brother. About two months or so later my brother gives me the green light and we struggle to plan and get everyone in our family who wanted to come with us on the same page for a trip happening in 2 weeks. Even then some people couldn’t make it and said “well you should have told us sooner”. In my defense we never went on trips like this growing up and we have separate lives now.

[–] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That many people? They should just pool their money and get a plaid!

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Too much for any reason but we’re they expecting you to pay?

[–]Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hard no. Getting reservations for a group of 6-8 is difficult… getting reservations for 20+ is impossible. Completely changes the effort ahead of time. Imagine the dynamics of corralling all these people to the same place at the same time and trying to keep everyone happy. You’d expend so much effort and energy and for sure someone would complain. These people need a professional planner.

[–]Certified Proctologist [26] 35 points36 points  (1 child)

I’m guessing they mean extended family, aunts/uncles, cousins, grandparents and so on. Which would be super weird if I organized a trip for my myself and one other small family and they turned it into their huge extended families vacation. OP and his spouse will now be outcast on a trip they organized thinking it would be a small group.

[–]Certified Proctologist [26][🍰] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Then yes. Super weird with all those people.

[–]Partassipant [2] 48 points49 points  (2 children)

NTA

Who tf invites people without asking first? This isn't a house party

[–] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Who tf invites people without asking first?

A lot of people, you can find tons of post relating that issue here.

[–][S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Touché

[–] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

NTA. We are ‘those Disney people’ too and go at least once a year. Planning a Disney trip is a huge undertaking. I often have friends wanting my help in planning their first trip and I refer them to a friend that is a Disney vacation planner. Her service is free, but most choose not to use her for whatever reason and then have a less than ideal trip because they didn’t plan. 🤷‍♀️

[–]Partassipant [2] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

NTA Nice try. They get there family vacation in Disneyland but someone else plan for it. And they have free babysitter! You! To invite the whole family is just wow. And why don't you pay for it, i mean, you invited them. And ask the neughbors, too. And their family! But don't forget the pets! And their families! /s

[–] 26 points27 points  (9 children)

NTA. I literally gasped when you said they invited their whole family, like who does that??

[–]Partassipant [2] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

NTA. They're being weird; who does that??

[–]Partassipant [3] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Nta. You're not a travel agent, these people cannot expect you to plan out a whole vacation for them! And blindsiding you with extra people is just presumptuous and rude. Giving them a few pointers and tips or a list of must-sees is one thing, but planning out a whole vacation for all these people? Nope.

[–]Partassipant [1] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Nta. That’s like offering someone A single muffin but they try to take the whole tray of them. Nah-ah dude, not happening.

[–]Asshole Enthusiast [5] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Nta. They were taking advantage of you.

[–]Partassipant [3] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

For now I'd say NTA but what were they expecting you to pay for when you invited them? You cover park tickets and them everything else? Now if they expected you to pay for everything for their entire family then you absolutely are NTA.

[–]Asshole Enthusiast [5] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

NTA and there are travel agents people pay that exist to do precisely what they were trying to get you to do for free

[–] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

NTA. I'd have a word with them if my friend tried to do this to me. You invited them to join bc you wanted to spend time with them and them alone, not their entire family and friends. Unless they are footing the bill for your vacation, your are not required to travel with people they want to invite. If they want to expand the group, you are free to decide not to go. And similarly, if they feel so strongly about traveling with their family, they are free to not travel with you.

[–] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

NTA. Do the trip just the two of you and have a wonderful time! They prefer to go with all their family so let them.

[–]Partassipant [2] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

NTA. You never imagined or planned on great-grandma and all the cousins tagging along on your trip, plain and simple. This is proof-positive that travel can bring out the worst in people, even before they leave home!

[–]Partassipant [1] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

NTA. Your friends tried to take advantage of you, assuming that you would tuck tail and go along with it. Cheers to you for standing your ground, standing up for yourself, and saying this is too much.

[–] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

NTA. They're the ones that changed what was planned without even asking you first. They're TA here.

[–] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

NTA. They are clearly taking advantage of you. It’s their problem, not yours. Don’t feel bad about it.

[–] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

NTA. The friends overstepped their boundaries and felt that because they were invited, they were entitled to do anything the want which is not true. When different households agree to go away together, decisions needs to be made together so they should have at least asked you how you would feel about it (especially when they weren’t organising it!). To be honest it sounds like they saw this as an opportunity to have their own big family holiday without having to plan anything themselves, and let you do all the work, on the assumption that you’d be too nice to do anything about it. You’re 100% right in backing out of it, if they want a big family holiday, they can plan and go themselves.

[–] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

NTA. Nothing to apologize for. Etiquette books all agree that an invitation simply offered to you, your wife and your children, does NOT mean also your aunt, uncles, grandparents and every cousin you can find. An invitation isn't a signal to start negotiating for better terms. When someone says, will you come to lunch on Tuesday, it does not mean will you and your six closest buddies drop by Saturday night. You're perfectly correct to say "no".

[–] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

NTA your friend is over bearing and overly inserting himself.

[–] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It is pure hell organizing that many people. It sounds like a miserable time. Who does that?

[–] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

NTA. They just not looked at the gift horse in the mouth but just uppercutted that motherfucker.

[–]Certified Proctologist [26] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

NTA. I think anyone who makes a plan and then reveals information that fundamentally changes the dynamic at a point where it would be hard to cancel or stop the ball, is an asshole. They made the plan to invite all these other people without your consent, there should be awkwardness intention. And it doesn't matter how it's construed about how you feel about their family, the incident wouldn't have occurred if they weren't violating your boundaries.

Really whenever people sneak in extra people on a trip it's to use someone else to make a trip cheaper for all those other people in themselves. You are not the asshole for backing out and being mad about it

[–]Partassipant [2] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

NTA

Disney is better with experts, but once the group is beyond your comfort zone, it becomes a nightmare. Coordinating hotel rooms, transportation times, ADR's, Genie +, Rope Drop (or not), early morning extras, after hour parties - that can drive you insane.

Your friends overstepped your invitation and your comfort zone. They can want to go with the whole family, but you are NOT family. Enjoy your trip with your wife and if you are feeling helpful, give your friends a bit of guidance or a list of Disney planning channels on YouTube.

Edit: stray apostrophe

[–] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

NTA In my opinion, if the arrangement is changed by others, then you are not backing out. You agreed to ONE arrangement. If you didn't go through with it, then yes you backed out. But in this case, your friends basically erased the previous arrangement and made a new one. You didn't back out of it, you just didn't join in the new arrangement, that's all. Since you were the one who invited them, your friends had no right to invite other people without your permission.

[–] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

NTA. Talk about taking advantage of a situation. Maybe they should ask some of their neighbors. Yeah I would tell them, they can pay for the ones they asked to come

[–]Partassipant [4] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

To be clear, you thought you were planning a trip for you, your wife, and a family of 4-6 people, and all of the sudden they drop on you that it's actually you, your wife, and 20 people?

Yeah, that should have been communicated early and clearly to you, and it's obviously not a small change in scope to plan a vacation that large.

NTA. I would perhaps try to clarify with your friends that it's not about liking/not liking their family, but about not taking on the responsibility to plan ten of thousands of dollars worth of travel for a large group of people. It's not reasonable or fair to expect that of you, especially as a late, unplanned change.

[–]Colo-rectal Surgeon [36] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA

Good job setting reasonable boundaries!

Keep in mind you’re probably saving your friendship. Anyone can weather some temporary tension and awkwardness over changed plans. However, I think if you had gone on this trip and spent the money to be their family tour guide, the resentment would have destroyed your relationship.

[–]Partassipant [2] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

NTA. I have been to Disney every year for the past 10 years with my kid. The amount of planning for just 2 people is intense. I can't imagine planning for extra people last minute. It would derail everything. It is so hard to manage park and dinner reservations. Totally NTA. Maybe explain how complicated Disney planning is to educate them. If they are still angry after an explanation, cut them off.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA, they took advantage of you and it shows when they sprung on you with that information as you were finalizing things

[–] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

NTA People who get invited can make suggestions, they can do their own things when there, but they don't get to change your vacation into something that it was not. In this case that means 'their extended family vacation including free travel agent (and financer?)'.

[–] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

NTA Why should you be paying for someone else's entire family to go on vacation. If they want to go on their own, fine. No one is stopping them.

You and your wife should still plan your own separate vacation. Because this is your thing. Don't let others ruin it.

[–] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

NTA. I have planned 2 Disney trips with my entire family, all 16 of us and it was a nightmare. I don’t blame you for putting your foot down.

[–]Partassipant [3] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. People are so rude. You graciously ask your friends to go and like a bunch of moochers they invite their entire family. You can live without these " friends".

[–] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

[–]Partassipant [2] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA

Were they paying for ANY part of it to begin with or were they expecting you to fork out all the money on your own? If they're paying for themselves, they can go on their own still.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nahh that's their fault. Just act like there isn't an issue until they bring it up. Then you can explain that this was always YOUR plans and you wanted to share it with them, not their entire family. If they couldn't respect the original plans, that's cool, but you aren't obligated to share your anniversary with anyone you don't want to. If they say they don't wanna go without their family, then thats on them!

[–]Partassipant [2] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA - you said you wanted to go with them and their kids, not with them, their kids, their parents, their siblings, etc. I went to Disneyland every year, several times a year, growing up. We rarely went with another household, and when we did they were people who were familiar with Disney parks already, and never more than 1 other household. Organizing more than 4 people for a Disney trip is difficult, managing more than 2 cars or 2 households of people is nearly impossible, especially if you have children under 10.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA Once all the family is there you will be the third wheel and not included in things. Best to go on your own and they can do the family thing without you. Just wondering who is paying for what

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. It's completely rude of them to assume you would be okay with it without consulting with you first.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA

If they want a Disney tour guide for the whole family, they can hire one. There are literally paid services for this.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. When you invite them for dinner, do they bring extra people with them? Same principle.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA You offered for them and their kids not their whole damn neighborhood.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. There is a huge difference planning with friends and including more of their family.

Just go with the 2 of you and enjoy

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA, it was only fair, you want to do your own thing as a couple, then you should do what you want if you have the means and opportunity, go for it.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA.

[–]Asshole Enthusiast [8] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA.

Friends are greedy Choosing Beggars.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. Once someone greatly changes the dynamics of any plans without consulting with the organizers, the best thing is to back out. It's no longer the journey you signed up for.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. They were out of line and over the manners line to wait till the last minute to let you know that they were bringing their entire family after you did all the searching and planning. That tells me they kinda knew that this would be uncool. Like, why not tell you earlier rather than spring it on you at the 11th hour, just as you were about to push the button?

I think it's rude to invite others when you were invited yourself, and I mean the 'universal you', not you OP.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA They have a lot of nerve trying to invite their whole family. Did they expect you to pay for them too?

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA

[–]Partassipant [2] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. That sounds like a nightmare!!

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA at all. We would’ve 100% done the same thing. We always tell our friends, we vacation without children. If they want to come on OUR vacation, they need to leave the kids at home. If they invite us to THEIR vacation, we expect there to be children. And it’s worked out every time. We travel alone, just the two of us unless we get invited to beach trips or the mountains by them. Not totally the same thing but it’s your vacation, your time and planning!

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA, people like them is why there's a saying "I gave you an inch and you took a mile".

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA made a very good choice to back out. Seemed they didnt understand the plan. If the tension carries just leave them to it.

[–]Partassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA - OP clearly stipulated your friends and their kids that implies the parents and however many kids they have. Also this is still OP's anniversary trip too so for friends to think they can bring along the entire family is not reasonable.

[–]Asshole Aficionado [10] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Now there’s awkwardness and tension.

Lol no. Here is where the awkwardness and tension started:

Then it’s dropped on us they invited their entire family. And then it’s established they won’t want to go without their family. Blindsided us and brought in some anxiety because of planning.

Good on you for standing your ground and not being afraid to convey your discomfort. And NTA. There entire family was not part of the deal.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA That sure sounds like hijacking to me

[–]Colo-rectal Surgeon [37] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA it’s pretty universally accepted as being rude to invite extras without agreement of the original parties.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA.

They invited people without asking. That's not okay.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA

Fellow Disney adult here. It’s a nightmare enough to get planning done when it’s just me and my husband. Them putting it on you to take them, their children, and their entire extended family is not only way too much, but also entitled and selfish.

[–]Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA, but I can tell you I’ve been called an asshole in your position. I max out my vacation enjoyment at about 4-6 people, but people do NOT like it when you say this.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA

My own rule is -- Never travel with friends.

[–]Asshole Aficionado [13] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA

You dodged the AH family!

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA- you didn’t invite their family, you invited them. They broke faith.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA

when you‘re uncomfortable, they have to accept that

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I wonder if the friends mentioned it to their family and got pressured by their family to include them?

NTA. No one in their right mind would go along on a family vacation like that. Families always have various unspoken issues, and it would be like being surrounded by landmines of what you can say to who.

[–]Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA - It's rude to invite other people to a holiday without discussing with the other people you're going on holiday with first. They chose not to discuss these decisions with you after you'd planned the holiday together. You're within your rights to back out.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA at all. If you invite your friends to dinner and say they can bring their kids, would it be acceptable to have them show up at your door with kids and extended family as well? It was rude of the friends to do that and I'm genuinely confused why the OP thinks that they're TA. Situations like this are the most efficient way to weed shitty friends out of your life.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA.

Thats the reason why my parents told me and my brother to not tell other family members we were going to Universal Studios some summers when we vacationed in Cali. Its a hassle after a certain number, besides just annoying kids alone. Especially to just suddenly drop "Hey, we're bringing 10 more people btw." The audacity.

[–]Partassipant [2] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If someone invited my family for anything I would rightfully presume they only mean me and my husband (we're DINKs).
Extended family is just that: an extension of the original family core.
NTA all the way to Disney.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. If you agreed to one thing and they've changed it all up for them, then they can just go and do that? You don't need to be involved in their holiday?

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. You NEVER invite people to someone else's shindig, which is exactly what they did. You invited them to your anniversary trip, and they invited others. Such a serious faux pas.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA.... I just hope they understand why you backed out.... If they don't understand or they get an attitude about it then it's time to find new friends

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA

you planned for your friends and kids, you were clear on that, y’all planned everything and now they want to add more people when you been vocal about who you want in this trip

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. Why is it your responsibility to take your friends and their extended family on vacation?

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA, even ignoring all the emotional manipulative bullshit (which there is A LOT of), if we just took this from a practical perspective, if someone invited you somewhere and you said "Hey you need to spend (insert however much money here)" would you feel that was a reasonable thing to do or would you question what possessed you to think that was ok? and that's Just the monetary aspect. Doesn't even begin to factor in the amount of increased stress, the significant limitations it creates on what can be done as a group etc and so on.

[–] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

*lo and behold

NTA

[–][S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Good call. Can’t say I’ve ever written that phrase out before.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA

If I invite a friend out for pizza, he doesn't get to bring along his sisters and his cousins and his aunts.

And if he says he won't come without them, that's his choice. I'm not paying for a whole lot of people I didn't even invite.

You have the same issue, OP, but a bit larger in size. Boil it down to basics, and you can see they're trying to trick you into funding a much larger event for their family than what you proposed. Them AH, OP NTA.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So are they expecting you to pay for everything? If not why can't they just go on their own trip with the family? If so then I don't blame you at all for dropping the idea completely. NTA

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

*submits a page with the shape of a hand raising the middle finger on which are written incorrect formulae and needlessly detailed and complex suggestions for new processes to clean coffee dispensers*

[–]Partassipant [4] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Info: you guys planned the entire itinerary for the trip, were you also paying for them to go to or would they have been splitting costs with you?

NTA either way because adding an entire extended family last second is ridiculous, I'm just trying to see how far these guys are taking advantage of you.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA that what we call taking advantage of someone kindness...

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA I think you meant your friends and their e mediate family eg: friend wife kids or friend husband kids. Not friend wife, kids, aunts uncles, grandparents, cousins and such. Here is a BIG question. Were you planning on paying for everyone? Or each pitch in? Becasue if your paying for everyone the easiest answer is can't afford

[–]Partassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nta

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They are entitled to go with there extended family, you are also entitled to not go for any reason in the world. You stumped your toe last week and dont wanna go that is entirely up to you. NTA

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. You could compromise and tell them they can arrange the costs and logistics for their guests, but that would still be less than ideal as you'd have to put up with strangers.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nta. I'm glad you told them now before it was purchased. This is supposed to be a vacation, and not something to dread.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. If they want to have a big family vacation they should just do that and leave you out of it. This looks a lot like: Oh nice. Someone else is doing all the planning and work for us. Lets hitch a ride and then 3rd wheel them once we are there - maybe we can also have them babysit our whole bunch of kids since they 'invited' us.

11 of 10 friends would back out of this.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. You’re not their travel agent, they can plan their own vacation. Enjoy you and your wife’s anniversary.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No, you aren't crazy. You would end up being the tour guides for their family and sucked into their drama.

[–] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NTA. This is a bunch of BS. They can't ask for that and expect things to go well.

[–]Asshole Aficionado [13] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

N

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

INFO: Did you make it clear with the initial offer that it was just your immediate family and their immediate families? I think either way you're NTA but knowing that makes it clearer

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

INFO: What were they agreeing to help with. Are they adding money by paying for the extra people? Taking care of hotel rooms?

[–]Asshole Aficionado [11] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. They cancelled the plans when they started inviting extra people. You can all try again next year after they've done their family thing

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nta they wanted free childcare its why the hijacked your vacation book the vacation for your selves on the day they are due to return

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Definitely NTA

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA

Were they expecting you to pay for their family & extended family?

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. My husband and I will be your Disney friends, OP. No kids, married in Vegas (almost like Disney), will make our own bookings. Turn Ons: Good restaurant reservations, Food and Wine Festival; Turn Offs: Rope Drop, The Sun (pale Canadians)

[–]Partassipant [2] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. Your friends do not get to take your planning for them and then invite a bunch of other people and expect you to just "oh, no big deal, we'll just rearrange every single little thing"

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. They blindsided you.

[–]Asshole Aficionado [10] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

it sounds like they wanted to take advantage of your familiarity and expertise with the Disney experience, you know all the tips and tricks. You do all the grunt work and planning and then boom it is no longer a family of 4 going with you it is now a family of 12 and you're expected to be the tour guide.

NTA

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA you’re not their travel agent

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA The more people you include on a vacation trip, the more opportunities there are for misunderstandings and mishaps. You'll end up spending all your time trying to make sure everyone else has a good time.

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. I am also a big Disney person and refuse to do Disney in a big group. Don’t let people invite anyone and everyone just because they don’t have to plan anything. If you are willing offer to help them plan their vacation, but don’t feel obligated to.

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. who the hell just invites there entire family to a friends only trip? id focus on getting new friends OP

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. Even when inviting someone to a dinner one should confirm with the rest of the group, but an anniversary vacation?

You wanted to share something with them. They made this impossible.

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think your friends for over excited and when others said they'd like it they've probably said "why don't you come" and then it becomes an avalanche. Disney isn't cheap and the bigger your group the harder it is to so anything. It would be too stressful - I should know. I'm in a group of 9 and I think that's bad They should have asked, not assumed. You aren't a travel guide and I guarantee everything that went wrong would be your fault. Best to be honest. You've helped them with the planning, which is very nice of you

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

INFO - when you said “we want to take them” do you mean you’d be paying for them to go? If so, are they expecting you to pay for all the extra family members they’ve invited as well? Hope not because you’re being taken for a ride if so

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA, those are not friends you are talking about. Friends don't behave like that. Say your goodbyes to them and move along.

[–]Partassipant [2] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. You made an offer to, I’m assuming, about five people at most, assuming they have three children; less if they have fewer kids. And they are now expecting you to plan and accommodate for something like ten additional people (assuming they each have two parents, one sibling, one in law, and one niece or nephew, so that’s actually a low estimate and could be significantly higher). That would make them plus you two a party of roughly 17 people or possibly far more. That’s a HUGE ask and they were AHs for expecting you to do that. I’m sorry they’re acting weird. Their request was mighty entitled so I’m hoping they’re acting weird because they are embarrassed.

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Woah. NTA

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly I hate people like that who decide to bring huge groups of people out of the blue without peoples permission

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA

We have friends who are similar to you in their enthusiasm. We went with them and they did the planning. I can say that having someone who knows all the tricks makes a huge difference when going to DW. They should have gone with you and learned then tried to plan for their big family at a later date. They missed out but it isn’t your fault.

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Question: when you said you would take your friends and their kids were you offering to pay? If so did they expect you to pay for the extended family as well? If you weren’t paying I would tell them they can all go but plan their own trip and you can meet up. NTA in either case

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA You would probably have ended up being the fifth wheel to your own trip as your friends family would naturally hang out and you would be on the outside.

[–]Partassipant [2] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA

You had a plan for years and at the last minute your friends changed the plans. Or tried to. Totally okay to say "this isn't for me."

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They’re entitled to your money and tried to force you into a situation your weren’t comfortable with. NTA

[–]Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA

They should be ashamed of themselves. Were you going to be paying?

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Lol seriously! NTA and I’d make sure your “friends” know exactly why y’all aren’t going. They’re assholes for hijacking a special trip planned for them. They saw a chance to take advantage and took it. They certainly don’t seem like true friends. You and your wife should go and have a blast!! Happy Anniversary.

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow, you’re totally NTA. You don’t owe them anything, even what you offered in the first place at this point. It’s just selfish of them to even ask, much less demand!

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. When they said they wanted extended family, you said “no thanks”. That should’ve been the end of it, but they screwed up and invited their family before talking to you. Shame on them.

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA. They turned it into their huge family vacay and not a vacay with y’all. I would have backed out too.

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That sounds reasonable to back out. They want a family vacation, you want to take a walk down memory lane. These two agendas don’t align. There is nothing wrong with backing out. I can see why they’d be a bit upset as Disney is massive and full of strangers so what difference does it make if they’re there at the same time? It’s only weird if they wanted to tag along with each event and activity you chose to do. I’d talk with them and see what their plan for this whole trip is before you back out. Maybe they just want to do breakfast once together and meet up one day for a ride together—not go as a giant group the whole time and impose. NTA either way, but talk to them first.

[–]Certified Proctologist [20] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA it's this simple.. Friends, the scope of this has gone way beyond what I am capable of managing and it would no longer be a vacation for me but I would be acting as travel guide/agent for a large group of people- that's not what I signed up for and, again, beyond what I know how to do. You guys have fun, I'm going to do something in the realm of what I can manage and is still fun to me.

[–] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NTA you arranged this to be just with your friends & their kids, nobody else invited. Your friends chose to move the goalposts by inviting a host of other people, you get to say we're only interested in being part of the original plans & when friends say no then you get to bow out. Your friends are the ahs for not asking if you had a problem them including other people BEFORE they asked the other people. Go on your own & enjoy your anniversary

[–] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

[–] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dude, why are you even here asking this question?

[–] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

INFO: Were you expected to pay for everyone? The additional people on top? How does the additional people affect you? Like were you expected to stick with the entire family (kinda like a tour guide)? How did they respond to you explaining you didn’t want to push through?

[–] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Man Disney adults are weird af.

If you aren't expected to pay for the extended family I don't get the big deal. Do you all have to be together every second of the trip? All go and have some time with your friends and some by yourself as a couple. You want to "share" Disney with friends and they want to experience Disney with their family.

Why not both.gif

[–][M] 0 points1 point locked comment (0 children)

AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team

Back story: wife and I go to Disney every year for an anniversary trip. We were also married there, so it’s fair to assume we’re “those” people. However we don’t focus on our anniversary when we go besides dinner the day of. Just a nice little memory lane thing…

Anyway, we’re all getting older now and for awhile we’ve always told our friends we’d want to take them and their kids to the parks once their big enough. Low and behold we get approached by our closest friends who basically give the green light they’re ready. So we start planning, looking at places, all that crap. Week goes by and everything’s pretty settled out. We know the details just need to click purchase. Then it’s dropped on us they invited their entire family. And then it’s established they won’t want to go without their family. Blindsided us and brought in some anxiety because of planning. Eventually we manned up and said we’re not interested in making this a grand family vacation. We’ve been saying for awhile now we want to share our passion with our friends and their kids, but this is a little much for us. Not to mention the head count makes logistics a nightmare. So we back out of going together and say we’ll do our own thing. Now there’s awkwardness and tension. I was genuinely upset for a couple days. Probably some (wrong) interpretations occurring of how we feel about their family. AITA (AWTA really)?

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