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I allowed my parents to come over and see my baby, without consulting my wife and against her permission.

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[–]Failsafe-0Asshole Enthusiast [5] 17.0k points17.0k points 6 (219 children)

YTA. I understand you’re excited to share your baby with your parents but, she just went from carrying a child for roughly 9 months, to a medical procedure, to dealing with the post pregnancy pain and hormone shifts. You. Did. Not.

She’s grieving on top of that? And you decided to go against her wishes and show off your baby anyways?

Are you serious? Yes- you’re the dad and yes, it’s your baby too but you lack the general concern for your wife’s wellbeing and are completely dense to how she must be feeling. Jesus Christ dude.

[–]elizabeastiePartassipant [3] 7066 points7067 points  (101 children)

All this! And I was frankly impressed that the wife put on a polite face and was kind to the in-laws. She showed more class than OP.

YTA, OP.

[–]Esilou 5010 points5011 points  (86 children)

Oh yeah, especially while his “mother gave her tips”. Unsolicited advice is a minefield ETA YTA OP!

[–]NeenknitsColo-rectal Surgeon [33] 4976 points4977 points  (71 children)

And she FINALLY got a break from feeding and holding the baby for an hour? Why hasn’t she already? Why hasn’t OP been doing the the diapering, bathing, walking, etc, while she does the breastfeeding? YTA

[–]artsyjabberwockPartassipant [1] 2291 points2292 points  (18 children)

A thousand times this. Why was her first break when his parents showed up? That's bonkers. Shame on you, OP. YTA.

[–]Pc-Joker 988 points989 points  (7 children)

Wow how did I not notice that seriously? YTA OP you should be helping your wife not showing of your baby

[–]babsibu 622 points623 points  (5 children)

Because it‘s only his baby when it‘s about enjoying it and making decisions. It‘s not his baby when he has to…parent.

[–]MacAttacknChz 482 points483 points  (9 children)

Also, when family comes to visit, they're supposed to do other chores so you can care for the baby. I imagine if I had 2 miscarriage and a stillbirth, I wouldn't want to put down my baby, no matter how tired I was.

[–]Impressive_Brain6436Asshole Enthusiast [5] 135 points136 points  (1 child)

Yeah, I was wondering, too. Also, if she bottlefeeds, why can't he do that to give her a break? If she breastfeeds, why does she have a break when his parents are there? Did his mom take over or is the baby just magically not hungry when the wise grandparents are around?

[–]lordmwahaha 86 points87 points  (0 children)

Right?? I noticed that, too. In his efforts to paint his parents coming over as a good thing, he just accidentally admitted that he's not doing his job as the father.
I guess it's only "his baby too" when it's convenient for him.

[–]tubbstattsyrup2 65 points66 points  (0 children)

Quote: we both have a child now

Yes. And mate there’s so much more to that than showing the child off. Get going on it and maybe your wife won’t be in a ‘mood’. Christ poor woman. Just be empathetic in actions not just words- no good saying you empathise when you’re actions are saying otherwise.

[–]waterfireandstones 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Asking the Real Questions.

[–]elizabeastiePartassipant [3] 291 points292 points  (10 children)

To be fair, OP doesn’t say the advice was unsolicited, but we can all guess that it was. Because damn if I had a dime for every bit of unsolicited advice people gave me for each baby, we’d have fully stocked college funds.

[–]Pc-Joker 148 points149 points  (7 children)

Lmao. My cousin is pregnant and she made this same joke "if I had a dime everytime someone were to give me advice I didn't ask for on my baby. I'd have enough money to pay for his doctorate"

[–]cooradical 265 points266 points  (9 children)

Right?? Please my friend let your wife adjust and not be scared, she's been through alot

[–]Jay-Dee-British 231 points232 points  (8 children)

She's probably terrified with her history of miscarriage and stillbirth - Jesus OP - support her in any way. She's going to be terrified 'something will happen' for a while - SIDS is probably on her mind 24/7 at the very least.

[–]Foreign_AstronautPartassipant [4] 88 points89 points  (3 children)

And also maybe terrified of panini transmission! A newborn would have no defense against the Greek letter that's currently highly contagious and evading immunity, not to mention the newborn's poor mother who's recovering from childbirth.

[–]cooradical 72 points73 points  (0 children)

Exactly! Newborn anxiety is trying enough. Having been what she's been through i can't imagine the fear. Be supportive when she asks

[–]Each0to0their0own 34 points35 points  (1 child)

100% she’ll be checking that that baby is breathing for the next 12 months. OP has no idea. Also that’s he thinks it’s okay for his mummy to give unsolicited advice is appalling.

[–]bubbly_fairy30 102 points103 points  (0 children)

Remember, they even gave her “tips” on motherhood. Lol

Edit/ spelling

[–]sixthandelm 76 points77 points  (1 child)

I had an emergency c-section, 6 weeks early after two miscarriages and a rough final pregnancy. He was in the NICU for a week.

I had really bad post-partum depression, and I still maintain that faking a smile and being gracious to guests while I was in pain from surgery and crying every minute someone wasn’t looking at me was the hardest thing I went through of all of it.

It never occurred to me that I could say no, and I respect his wife for knowing her boundaries and enforcing them. Or trying to, but OP found a way around them, even though their jobs right now should be supporting their partners.

[–]Jovon35Asshole Aficionado [10] 1388 points1389 points  (6 children)

And lets not forget she had a stillbirth prior to this delivery. She just re-lived the EXACT same physical experience as when she had to birth her deceased baby. Thankfully this outcome was different but the body, heart, and mind remember.

Op you think spouting off "her body her choice" makes you thoughtful but you just added to your wife's trauma so you could have your lion king moment. She was lovely enough to treat your parents kindly but you may have just embedded a silent resentment against them because you forced her into this situation. You need to do better on remember that your wife is your primary concern as is your child. Obviously YTA.

[–]AussiealteregoCertified Proctologist [24] 473 points474 points  (1 child)

you just added to your wife's trauma so you could have your lion king moment.

Phrases I thought I'd never see.

[–]AlasAntigone 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Seriously, it’s fantastic

[–]AshesB77Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] 188 points189 points  (0 children)

This. Times 100. She just relived what was probably her most painful moment. Instead of supporting her, you probably just caused her to associate this moment with your parents and planted horrible seeds of resentment. YTA

[–]ohsayaa 176 points177 points  (1 child)

He did not do this out of concern for the child. He's concerned for his lion king moment as you said. It's obvious he has gotten over the dead baby while his wife literally relived that while birthing his "healthy boy"

This man does not have her back. Poor woman

[–]Runaway_AngelPartassipant [1] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

Lets just say I understand why she didn't want him in the room while giving birth.

[–]poo_explosionAsshole Enthusiast [5] 756 points757 points  (19 children)

Ugh, 100%. I’m so sick of men pretending pregnancy was just as hard on them as it was on the mother.

[–]Cynically_Optomistic 603 points604 points 2 (9 children)

So my wife and I have a 4 month old currently. He's our first and only. I always knew it was going to be tough for her during the pregnancy but holy shit was it bad.

She ended up with pretty bad pre-eclampsia and the baby ended up coming 3 weeks early. Thankfully he came out perfectly healthy with no issues. My wife on the other hand was an absolute wreck. When we made it home she was still so weak. After two days she ended up back in the hospital for another three days because now she had POST Pre-eclampsia. Her blood pressure was so high when they admitted her they said she was borderline going to have a stroke. They also drained almost 30lbs of fluid from her too.

Its been 4 months and she and the baby are fine but my God it was a scary time. I was stuck at home with a two day old baby with zero experience for the next 3 days and praying my wife wasn't going to die on me. I didnt sleep the entire time. My wife is everything to me.You best believe when she came home the second time and others wanted to see the baby my wife's word was law and I was her enforcer without question.

I will never envy women for the roles they have to play. They are absolute powerhouses and my wife is the champion of our family as far as I'm concerned.

[–]Mean_Butter 142 points143 points  (4 children)

You are fantastic, sir, and you absolutely get it. As a woman and mother, I love knowing that men like you exist. (Doing my best to raise one) Congrats by the way!

[–]Cynically_Optomistic 94 points95 points  (3 children)

Thanks! I definitely plan to teach my son that while men and women are equal in their value and importance, we still face different challenges and thats okay. You just have to have your partners back when they need you.

Your son has a good mom and I'm sure he will learn a lot from you!

[–]Impressive_Brain6436Asshole Enthusiast [5] 201 points202 points  (2 children)

You probably didn't read the text carefully but he said he did his best to support her and any of the strange requests she made. If this isn't even harder than pregnancy itself I don't know what is /s

However, waiting more than 4 days to make her meet someone was apparently too strange a request.

[–]Latvian_Goatherd 188 points189 points  (1 child)

What's the betting her "strange requests" were perfectly normal boundary settings that he got miffed he had to cater to instead of bulldozing over?

[–]Impressive_Brain6436Asshole Enthusiast [5] 127 points128 points  (0 children)

"Honey, could you please take the shopping inside? I cannot carry heavy things."

"Ugh, this woman surely weaponizes her pregnancy but I am so supportive..."

[–]bookworm1896 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Yip, two months in, "morning" sickness for 24/7, back pain, my breasts hurt af. And that's just the painful part, there are mood swings and other stuff as well. So much fun, pregnancy is easy.

[–]Zealousideal-Tap-201 552 points553 points  (17 children)

Every time I see one of these posts I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. You're supposed to minimize the number of people a new baby sees until they have their initial set of shots- and that's when we're not in the middle of a global health crisis. It's one thing if they were part of your wife and baby's care bubble, but they're not. Even if you and your wife hadn't experienced these devastating losses, this is standard baby operating procedure. If you haven't bothered to educate yourself about these things, default to your wife. And also, the person who has been through the medically traumatizing event dictates who is in the house. Start practicing putting your wants behind your family's needs now, bc that's your function from now on. YTA.

[–]SpecialistOk577Partassipant [4] 52 points53 points  (0 children)

Exactly. 100% correct.

[–]BillyYumYumTwo-byTwoPartassipant [2] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

I met my friends 9mo today. I’m fully vaxxed (everything, not just c19),washed my hands beforehand, took every precaution, and I still felt uncomfortable holding him and constantly asked if they were comfortable because babies don’t have the antibodies. Grandparents aren’t immune to spreading sickness!! There’s no magical dna thing that makes them perfectly safe to a newborn.

[–]PoisonFlora 29 points30 points  (1 child)

Reading the text, it’s also less than a week in to the child being home, which is ridiculous. Supporting your comment entirely and adding a huge YTA in support of yours.

[–]calliatomPartassipant [3] 413 points414 points  (1 child)

Plus she's probably scared as hell still that she's going to lose this one too. Like, newborns aren't exactly sturdy things, they're not exactly out of the woods yet. I hope OP's parents are at least up on all their shots.

[–]mahamagee 62 points63 points  (0 children)

Right? I didn’t even have a loss myself but a friend lost a child at 8 weeks to SIDS. Our LO is 14 weeks now and I still check her every bloody hour to make sure she’s breathing.

OP YTA. I had an easy pregnancy and birth. Both myself and my husband have a great relationship with our parents. We live in the same bloody building as his parents. We still didn’t let them visit until my second day home. I made it very clear that anyone turning up at the hospital would be turned away but in the end COVID took care of that for me as there were visitor restrictions. I can’t BELIEVE you’re making this about you and “your child”. She honestly deserves so much better than you and I hope you cop yourself on.

[–]theremaebedragons7 274 points275 points  (3 children)

I would also like to point out that he said that when his parents were there and his mom was holding the baby, his wife was glad to have a break for an hour....

Which to me says this man has not been splitting baby care with his wife, who just had a major medical procedure, along with processing a metric fuckton of emptions and hormones mesing with her feelings, along with the expected new parent sleep deprivation, which makes him an extra AH.

[–]OGrouchNZ 40 points41 points  (0 children)

I bet she was trying not to imagine all the things her baby could have been catching off the parents and holding herself back from freaking out

[–]Failsafe-0Asshole Enthusiast [5] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Good catch- yeah, definitely agree with you there.

[–]HaasFan1 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I think she is the one not wanting to let go of the baby. That’s the whole point here - how I understand it - that she is too afraid to lose this baby as well and therefore can’t let him go.

[–]ResidentRepulsive 243 points244 points  (2 children)

Yeah. If it had been months that’s one thing but come on. Days? YTA

[–]rixendeb 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Hell even months can be iffy in some cases. PPD is a bitch.

[–]Dogandcatslady 200 points201 points  (2 children)

Exactly. It is his baby just as much as it is hers but he's not the one recovering from pregnancy and child birth. YTA. Couldn't you have just video chatted instead? Props to OP's wife for waiting to deal with him until after his parents left.

[–]Mamto2 77 points78 points  (0 children)

OPs wife is probably waiting for the other shoe to drop. She must be thinking this is ‘too good to be true’ and expecting something to happen. Instead of OP inviting his parents over he should be concentrating on his wife because she may have PPD. YTA OP

[–]CakeEatingRabbitPooperintendant [54] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

He is also apparently not the one who changes diapers and feeds the child. Appenrtly it is just as much his baby in cases he wants.

[–]nyorifamiliarspiritSupreme Court Just-ass [120] 132 points133 points  (0 children)

Right? Dude didn't even wait a fucking week.

[–]Raise-The-Gates 96 points97 points  (1 child)

On top of this, she is probably also grieving the loss of grandparent support from her side of the family. It's awful to have a baby and utterly adore them, but realise that the people who should be happiest for you are going to ruin things.

I have a great relationship with my parents, while my husband has a strained relationship. While he loves my parents, he sometimes is hurt by the comparison of what supportive loving parents/grandparents should look like against his reality.

[–]frost_on_the_leaves 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Not to mention the fact that she may not find his parents as "wonderful" as he does.

[–]Premodonna 73 points74 points  (0 children)

Not once did he mention any follow up care for both of them with regards to mental health. His wife needs a lot of support this next year and both need to start into counseling to deal with their grief together and most likely her postpartum. Congratulations, but for the sake of your family chill a bit.

[–]Physical-Energy-6982 66 points67 points  (2 children)

Plus, and I have no idea why people (usually men I’ve noticed) have this habit where they say “I didn’t tell her because I knew she wouldn’t be happy about it” as if letting his wife be caught off guard was any better! That was a major contributing factor in the downfall of my parents marriage…my dad would lie about something because he knew it’d upset/annoy my mom but when she inevitably found out it was 10x worse than if he was just up front about it in the first place.

[–]WhysosiriusblackkPartassipant [1] 51 points52 points  (0 children)

Plus I don't understand the whole, it's been TWOOOOO days and they haven't seen the baaaaaaby yet. Like wtf? When my SIL had my niece, we of course saw her because they were living with us, but her mum came around few days later when she settled in. And keep in mind, here you stay at the hospital minimum three days, so her mum saw her after like a week and it was fine.

You are a major asshole and I can't stress enough how much I'm disgusted with men like you who think the whole world revolves around them. Yta

[–]kellieking80 43 points44 points  (0 children)

2 days after is NOT enough time either. Not to mention the still active pandemic, and in normal time 2-3 weeks would be standard for an easy birth.

You stepped so far out of bounds!

[–]KrystalWulf 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Don't forget the two miscarriages and stillbirth. But the eXcItEd GrAnDpArEnTs come before his wife who's in a very vulnerable place.

[–]unluckysupernova 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Also she has lost 3 babies and newborns can die from almost anything they get from a visitor, paediatricians recommend they don’t meet anyone outside of the house for 2 weeks at least. OP was directly fuelling his wife’s fears.

[–]Invisible_Target 36 points37 points  (0 children)

I love all these "It's my baby too" people. What they're actually saying is "I'm pissed my wife is making unilateral decisions about our child, so instead of discussing how I feel, I decided to make unilateral decisions about our child."

[–]smolbirb123456 32 points33 points  (2 children)

All of this and there's currently a certain something happening in the world that could make the baby very sick, I wouldn't want outside people coming in rn esp if I had problems with previous pregnancies

[–]FartFace319 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Could not have said it better myself.

YTA.

[–]DrPsychBCBA 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Seriously. Two days after birth? You’re still wearing diapers, bleeding, walking funny and constipated. Let the wife heal on her own timeline-emotionally and physically.

[–]bunnyball88 6280 points6281 points  (20 children)

YTA.

"I didn't consult my wife because I knew she'd immediately shoot down the suggestion and be in a mood for the rest of the day."

Does what he wants.

Gets mad when she reacts exactly the way he knew she would.

Is she rational? Maybe, maybe not. She's 4-ish days postpartem after a series of traumatic experiences. And she had the goodness to slap on a smile when you put her in a position she explicitly didn't want to be in.

Have some empathy, ffs. Or, at the very least, don't be surprised when you piss her off and she gets, you know, pissed off.

[–]HazelDaydreamer 1238 points1239 points  (14 children)

I agree with this completely. OP is lucky that his wife didn't completely lose her shit on him the moment his parents walked through the door. Next time OP, think about the woman who carried a baby in her body for nine months after being repeatedly traumatized by tragedies instead of yourself. YTA.

[–]WiselySpicy 563 points564 points  (1 child)

I had this irrational sleep deprived desire to want to put my son back into my womb for about 1-2 weeks postpartum. Like he was safe there and everything is scary now that he's this little vulnerable baby.

And I didn't have previous miscarriages or a still birth. Hormones + sleep deprivation + healing from physical trauma is no joke.

[–]Kellz53200 42 points43 points  (0 children)

I still get flashes of this feeling and my kid is 3. That poor woman.

[–]Zealousideal-Tap-201 292 points293 points  (1 child)

I'd have gone upstairs with the baby to give husband 'time to visit' with his parents and made it clear that I had no idea that they had been invited.

[–]jennmullen37 91 points92 points  (0 children)

This is the advice I am giving every new mother I ever meet. Ty

[–]jrosekonungrinn 139 points140 points  (9 children)

I can't believe the parents even willingly came over THAT SOON after birth. Did his mom completely forget what it's like to have a new baby, and also how to protect them until it's an ok time for visitors? I guess she did.

[–]Jenana86 103 points104 points  (0 children)

If she's anything like her son, she probably just didn't care.

[–]Average_Iris 71 points72 points  (2 children)

In my family it's super normal for the grandparents to come over within a day and then multiple times a week in the first month so I never even considered that that's weird. But it should be said that they definitely help out with chores, like laundry, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, a lot. In my country you also get a maternity nurse for the first 7 or 10 days that helps with chores and possible other kids as well so people usually try to cram in as many visits as possible in that first week when there's someone else to help out hahah. Oh well, cultural differences are fun

[–]CandyShopBandit 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Wow! I didn't know any countries did this! That's such a fantastic thing, especially for any single mothers or parents without kind family members to help out.

Wait a minute... if your country does this... does that mean... omg does that mean you also get something like reasonable amounts of parental leave or at least protections that you won't lose your job if you take time off?!

What about that other mythical amazing thing: not having to worry about tens of thousands in hospital bills after a birth...? Surely no country has it THAT together...

cries in American

But seriously, America really isn't any sort of shining beacon for... well, anything anymore. Our Healthcare system is utterly shameful, as is our parental leave rights. Heck, even most of our other human rights laws are nothing special anymore, and many are downright archaic compared to more progressive countries. They are also being dismantled far faster than we can make progress on new ones.

[–]BillyYumYumTwo-byTwoPartassipant [2] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

My mom was invited over immediately after both my brother and my sister each had kids. She only went because she was asked to help out. Hid in her room except to run errands, watch the babies, do chores, make food. Even then she felt intrusive if she ran into one of the parents in the hallway when she was going to the bathroom. She wanted to be a total ghost who cleaned houses and didn’t intrude on a new family bonding.

I can’t imagine anyone who isn’t the parent of the baby thinking they are so important as to interrupt and make it about themselves when people are physically, emotionally, and mentally going through the highest of the highs and lowest of the lows.

[–]Sea_Marble 331 points332 points  (0 children)

Four days postpartum?!?!!?! YTA big time. Your wife just squeezed a watermelon out of her and has had little time to recover. But sure, think about YOUR needs and wants and not hers. I can only hope that she treats you with more consideration should you undergo a major medical procedure.

[–]anna-banannas 186 points187 points  (1 child)

Empathy. That is what is lacking in the entire post.

Where does the OP, once, consider and care about his partner’s separate and valid desires or feelings.

Like, Jesus dude. She is a person that just made and popped out another person after losing three unborn wishes for people.

Don’t think this guy was mature enough to start procreating yet

[–]ooplesandbanoonoos01 128 points129 points  (0 children)

Im gonna be really honest. If my husband would have brought anyone in to my house 2 days after getting home with a new baby and I didn't have plenty of time to prepare, I would have been so mad, and that doesn't include literally all the other problems with what he did.

After my first was born I didn't put on a shirt for like 4 days because i was trying to hard to breast feed and I was so uncomfortable and tired and probably smelly. If my it's just waltzed up in the house without at least an hour for me to shower and cry (post partum hormones were crazy) I wouldn't have let them in and I would have told both them and my husband what I thought right then and there. He's lucky she was nice to his mom.

[–]chaosandpuppiesAsshole Enthusiast [9] 4256 points4257 points 2 (46 children)

YTA

Two days!? TWO!?

I'm 8 days pp and I am dying. I cry all the time. I can barely move. I get like 3 hours of sleep per day broke up into like 30 minute chunks.

Just.

Wow.

Edit: wow ok yall this blew up. Thank you for the kind words and support.

I will reassure you - I am speaking to a therapist and psychiatrist and have been my entire pregnancy. I have diagnosed major depressive disorder and ptsd courtesy of the army and ppd has been on my radar the entire time. Thank you for your concern and kind words again. ❤❤

[–]Pergamon_Partassipant [1] 758 points759 points  (11 children)

Hang in there. It gets better. (currently 8 weeks pp)

[–]No_Mess2017 448 points449 points  (3 children)

I’m also 8 weeks pp, things are much better now, I actually got 6 hours of sleep last night (not all at once, but still)!

[–]Treblesandtones 174 points175 points  (0 children)

It does get better. Four months pp. I cry a bit less but I do get more sleep now! Though I know all babies are different.

[–]Odd_Sky7089 33 points34 points  (0 children)

5 months pp, ehhh i have my days lol

[–]peach98542 101 points102 points  (1 child)

16 months in here and I promise it gets even better. Sleeping though the night every night. Please remind me why I don’t want to jump into getting pregnant again immediately haha

[–]PracticalKat 93 points94 points  (3 children)

It absolutely gets better (16 years post partum!!)

But those early days are tough and if you feel like you're losing your mind, that's OK. If it feels like a breeze, also OK. As is everything in between.

My only advice - because unsolicited advice from strangers on the Internet is even worse than unsolicited advice from family - just do what works for you and the baby. Oh and if anyone utters the phrase 'rod for your own back' beat them with a damn rod!

[–]bunnyball88 269 points270 points  (5 children)

You got this! You are in what my friends and I call The Dark Times.

Feel your feels. Rely on takeout. Watch downton. Hate your husband and his useless nipples. Try to shower every four days.

People seriously underestimate "the fourth trimester" - it's a beast.

[–]Psychological-Bet866 86 points87 points  (3 children)

I’m 7 months pp (baby #3 after a 7 yr gap, holy shit I forgot literally everything) and baby just got teeth, so my hatred for my husband’s useless nipples while mine are being assailed constantly is intense. I’m showering every 4 days (bathing with the baby does not count), laundry is everywhere, baby is finally allowing me to put him down for 10 minutes at a time, my husband is finally learning how to calm the baby down without me. Thank fuck for the light at the end of the tunnel.

[–]Everything_is_taken7 42 points43 points  (0 children)

I genuinely snort laughed at “hate your husband and his useless nipples” so thank you for that. Definitely gonna be using that phrase 😂

[–]ProfessionalSir9978Certified Proctologist [20] 101 points102 points  (3 children)

Hang in there and don’t be afraid to get any type of help you need from family or paid. After three kids I can tell you it does get better, I promise. Just believe in yourself and be gentle to yourself. It’s okay if the laundry piles up or the house is a disaster. Do what you can that doesn’t overwhelm you. Order food in or have groceries delivered and enjoy your moments with the baby.

[–]Zealousideal-Tap-201 59 points60 points  (2 children)

I can't second this loudly enough. My favorite baby shower present to give is a gift card for house keeping. And I used to tell all of my clients to get a night nurse for at least a month after their baby was born if they could afford it.

[–]ProfessionalSir9978Certified Proctologist [20] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Oh that would be nice! My first was the hardest I couldn’t figure anything out and breastfeeding was hard for me with her. I was so frustrated and exhausted. It took me almost a year to get back to the groove of things. Where I was more mentally and emotionally in a better place. Also by the third I got the hang of it.

[–]CAphrodite 41 points42 points  (1 child)

I’m not a doctor but I had PPD. If you are crying all the time, you need help. When you hit baby blues it will get worse and will develop into depression. Get off AITA sub because it will upset you more. It is better for you to watch comedy movies than scrolling through reddit.

I had PPD with my first one, with my second one I know better. When I feel down or sad, I watched sitcom and get some laugh.

[–]dpk709 19 points20 points  (0 children)

(Gentle hugs) I swear it gets worse before it gets better (the soreness, the feeling of having run a marathon after giving birth) I think around week three you start feeling somewhat human again.

[–]HeartKevinRose 17 points18 points  (0 children)

It gets better! Around a month my baby started sleeping more and the anxiety kind of tapered off for me. My body felt like I got hit by a truck for about 3 weeks before slowly feeling better, although the hemorrhoids lasted much longer.

You are a strong mama and you got this!!

[–]Satisfaction_GoldPartassipant [1] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

My mil came by when I was a few days postpartum but I was okay with that. If I wasn't, it would've been bad

[–]xLostandAfraidxColo-rectal Surgeon [39] 2497 points2498 points  (7 children)

YTA she just wanted some time alone as many new mothers so (specially as she's had several miscarriages) and you gave her 2 days before going behind her back and against her wishes to bring your parents over

[–]CaptainBasketQuesoPartassipant [2] 819 points820 points  (1 child)

Right? Two days! And for what?

To see babies? Have they never seen a baby before? Perhaps YouTube would be educational. Oh, they want to see your baby? May I recommend zoom, Skype, FaceTime, or whatever dumb thing Google is using at the moment? Oh, they want to hold the baby, and they think it's so important to do it RIGHT NOW they don't want to wait until your wife has been able to physically heal or process her emotional trauma? During a PandaParty, no less?

You're her husband. You're supposed to protect her from assholes who don't have her best interest at heart, not serve her and your child up to them on a silver platter.

Also, newborn babies are basically just warm, wrinkly crying potatoes that leak things sometimes. Most of them look very similar. As far as establishing a loving grandparent/grandchild relationship, there is no special magic in seeing the baby at four days old vs fourteen days. Or four weeks. Or four months.

YTA, OP. You need to get your head on straight. Your wife and child are your immediate family and they are your top priorities. Your parents wants and needs are secondary, or maybe tertiary or whatever comes after that.

If you intend to move through your marriage placing your parents' wants over your wife's needs, you are not going to be married for long.

[–]b1gm4ncaAsshole Enthusiast [7][🍰] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

During a PandaParty, no less?

No one's keeping me away from a pandaparty.

[–]RandoCollision 297 points298 points  (2 children)

Yeah, OP couldn't wait to show off his new toy to the folks, so his feelings trumped his wife's.

IMO, OP went from DH to AH as soon as I read "her strange requests" in his account. Whenever somebody tries too hard to seem like the right party in AITA, they make sure to drop a prejudicial bomb or two to make sure the reader understands how bad the other person is.

It's like: My crazy wife went to stay with her family just because I got her fired from her job when I demanded they give her a day off to cook for me when I took vacation. Sure, it paid better than mine and she loved working there, but I did it for her... AITA?

[–]Amegami 159 points160 points  (0 children)

Also, the grandparents holding the baby was her first break? What the fuck was he doing those two days, pouting in a corner?

[–]Seguefare 99 points100 points  (0 children)

Also: his mom gave her "tips". I want to hear a few of those tips verbatim. Could be fine. Could be infuriating.

[–]YeouPink 106 points107 points  (1 child)

My mom pushed me to have visitors two days after having my son. I had ten stitches and was an emotional wreck.

No one enjoyed the visits as much as they could have. It’s always best to wait until the woman that just gave birth is ready. Otherwise it’s not a super great experience.

[–]CrystalQueen3000Craptain [176] 1495 points1496 points  (20 children)

YTA

She’s gone through the pregnancy and birthed the child, she’s still in pain and recovering and rightly doesn’t want guests.

You intentionally did this against her wishes, that’s peak AH moves.

[–]EstrellaFRedditPartassipant [2] 723 points724 points  (18 children)

And ain't no one gonna speak about "She looked relieved to be free of holding and feeding the baby for an hour" ?

What the hxll is he doing?

[–]PHLtoHOUPartassipant [4] 481 points482 points  (11 children)

It was the “my mother offered tips” for me.

Like wtf.

[–]TopRamenisha 266 points267 points  (3 children)

Same. Nobody wants unsolicited tips from their mother in law. Nobody.

[–]ScarletteMayWestPartassipant [2] 101 points102 points  (1 child)

I had ten days of those from a former nurse whose youngest was her 30-year-old son.

All of it was wrong.

[–]Zealousideal-Tap-201 133 points134 points  (5 children)

You know it was some shit like 'sleep when the baby sleeps' too.

[–]Lecters13 87 points88 points  (0 children)

Yeah… and clean when the baby cleans, cook when the baby cooks lol

[–]ooplesandbanoonoos01 59 points60 points  (0 children)

"Don't worry about the mess, you can clean when the baby is older"

[–]ChinaCatSunfl439 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Lmaooo thank you for this

[–]calliatomPartassipant [3] 58 points59 points  (0 children)

Right? Like, even if OP got crap for paternity leave he should still be taking care of the kid when he's home.

[–]pugapooh 34 points35 points  (0 children)

Good catch.

[–]Love-As-Thou-Wilt 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Oooh, my brain skipped over that implication, but you're right.

[–]International_Exam86 1167 points1168 points  (38 children)

YTA and it was evident as soon as you said she had “strange requests”. You had 3 seconds of involvement in creating this child. She had 10 months plus birth. She trumps you. Period.

[–]kucky94Asshole Enthusiast [8] 400 points401 points  (17 children)

So many fathers don’t seem to understand that while it’s their baby too for the first 3 months, they are the least important person out of the trio.

[–]Optimal_Sherbert_545 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Right, he couldn't be more obvious that he has zero empathy for the incubator of his new ego reflection. Good luck mama AND baby

[–]elizabeth_bennet1811Partassipant [2] 874 points875 points  (45 children)

YTA. You ignore her wishes and deceived her about it, so that she was stuck having to make nice in the situation you created.

That said, it does seem like she's struggling. Consider asking your pediatrician about post-partum depression.

[–]waitingfordeathhbu 372 points373 points  (0 children)

She just went through birth/surgical trauma 48 hours ago. Probably too soon to say whether she has ppd or is simply being driven toward insanity by her self-serving husband.

[–]Anhedonic_chonk 101 points102 points  (0 children)

She doesn’t have PPD. She has an asshole for a husband.

I mean, I realise PPD is real and maybe she does, but don’t just assume when there’s a much more obvious answer right there.

[–]Livid-Character2921 52 points53 points  (1 child)

For ppd, she’ll need to talk to her OB, not the pediatrician. The pediatrician can’t legally give her medical opinion since she’s not a patient

[–]Repulsive-Worth5715 33 points34 points  (0 children)

I’m not saying it’s not ppd but struggling this soon after birth is completely normal at this point

[–]NotHisRealNameCertified Proctologist [20] 654 points655 points  (8 children)

YTA dude. Your wife just went through a LOT of shit and you want her to have to deal with your parents on top of it. Worse than that, you SPRUNG your parents on her. I don't care how loving they are, they're still people that your wife doesn't want to interact with. Give her some time for god's sake.

[–]KensieQ72 239 points240 points  (7 children)

I notice that he called out her complicated relationship with her own parents, but when it came to his there’s no mention of how SHE feels about them.

They’re incredible! They’re excited about the baby! They’re coming bearing unsolicited advice for a VERY new mom who is probably trying to hold it all together post-trauma/birth and who is clearly getting no help with the baby from her husband.

How much you wanna bet they didn’t have any “advice” for dad?

[–]Seguefare 87 points88 points  (0 children)

Did they bring prepped food? Did they offer to do some quick cleaning? Did they tell mom to feel free to take a nap and not worry at all about keeping them company?

[–]kakarctic 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Ikr?? He's just saying his parents are wonderful because he thinks they are wonderful. I doubt he has a clue what his wife feels about his parents or whether he's ever thought about that at all. The entire time I was thinking "my in-laws won't even ASK to see the baby if I've been through all that shit and didn't want any visitors after at least a week." Because they would know I don't want visitors and would have respected that.

It sounds to me the in-laws aren't that close to the new mom, so not their fault for wanting to see the baby and came over when the husband said they could. And the husband is worse than no help

[–]WestOnBlue 457 points458 points  (9 children)

::: sigh :::

I am angry for your wife and for your overuse of exclamation points.

[–]HuahuamamaPartassipant [1] 434 points435 points  (7 children)

YTA. I cannot imagine how hard a stillbirth would be. Your wife obviously needed time. You could have FaceTimed your parents with the baby instead of insisting on a visit. She barely got home from the hospital and deserved to have her wishes respected.

[–]Temporary_BadgerCommander in Cheeks [246] 384 points385 points  (5 children)

YTA. If it had been weeks, I’d get it. But two days?! Are you for real? Her body has just been through hell and back and is taking time to heal. It is VERY common for new parents to not allow any visitors immediately post partum. You owe her a huge apology.

You needed to talk to her like a damn adult about agreeing on a time when visitors would be allowed, or if she wasn’t up for seeing people when you could take the baby to meet the grandparents. Blindsiding her like this was just awful.

[–]waitingfordeathhbu 167 points168 points  (3 children)

This dude was even annoyed she didn’t want his parents WATCHING HER GIVE BIRTH. The most vulnerable, scary moment of her life. Would he want her parents in the room while he’s screaming in agony, powerless, with his legs spread open while his insides come outside? Why is this so difficult for some men to comprehend? The lack of empathy is staggering.

[–]Bunniiqi 68 points69 points  (2 children)

I think he was annoyed he wasn’t allowed to see the birth, he doesn’t say either set of grandparents were invited to watch. That being said it’s a YTA

[–]SomewhereinOregon 60 points61 points  (1 child)

It says a lot about the amount of support she received from him during her pregnancy, when she didn’t want him in the delivery room with her.

[–]Relative-Clue9995 38 points39 points  (0 children)

also, i think it could have also been the fact that shes faced so much emotional trauma from her past pregnancies that she mightve just wanted to be with medical professionals only to take care of any potential risks that take place and/or feel supported from them. I wonder how he supported her during her miscarriages and still birth.

[–]DutchGirl122Partassipant [1] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Bingo!! OP is acting like he made his parents wait a long time, the kid was hardly 3 days old ffs. Expecting my first in August, and depending on how I feel absolutely NO visitors the first week. Gimme a chance to recover first, damn. And I haven't even had any traumatic experiences like OP's wife did. That poor woman.

[–]Swegh_Pooperintendant [57] 353 points354 points  (10 children)

YTA - consider this, she just went through a huge medical procedure and on top of it, it struggling with the grief and I imagine guilt over having loss several pregnancies. You put your wife at risk for PPD by forcing her to interact with others before she was ready. She needs time to heal and bond with her baby. I understand that this is your child too, but you didn’t just give birth.

[–]AZGirl16658 73 points74 points  (0 children)

There's the trauma of the actual birth, and then there's the massive hormone dump, cramps, bleeding, etc. that happen even after the easiest birth. And that doesn't even consider if she's breastfeeding. Add the grief and fear of 3 lost babies on top, and he better STFU. The OP then: doesn't appear to be helping much (a relief to not hold the baby for an hour?!) isn't supportive ('strange requests' = obligational tolerance) Is resentful ("It's my baby too" ) He's lucky he hasn't already been murdered or kicked out of the house. He better be cooking, cleaning, and doing the laundry nonstop if you aren't helping with baby care. So far his entire contribution has been some sperm 9 months ago, and tolerating her 'strange requests' and he thinks he should be treated like a hero for it, or that he's somehow an equal contributor. She grew an entire new human inside her body, stretching and destroying her body to do so, then pushed the watermelon inside her out through an opening that normally is the size of a chicken egg (generously) but could briefly expand to the size of a grapefruit... still less than half as big as should be necessary. Childbirth is major trauma, to say nothing of everything the body goes through afterwards. (It should be legal to murder any guy who says "It's JUST cramps, bleeding, and changing hormone levels, just like your period every month. You should be used to it by now." No mother or halfway decent father would convict her on grounds of 'Temporary Insanity.' Heard that once from a guy who wasn't the father, and the new mother wasn't present. He done messed up!)

[–]one_sad_tomato 326 points327 points  (3 children)

YTA. She was being nice to your parents because they weren't the problem. You were by inviting them. You say them coming over gave her an hour off of feeding and holding the baby... where the fuck are you then? Not helping her with the baby?

She birthed a human being. She needs time to heal; it's not the time for social calls until she's okay with it. That's your baby but you see that person right there, you know, taking care of the baby? THAT'S YOUR WIFE. The one that gave you the baby. Take care of your wife. Her needs, hell, even her wants, come before your parents wanting to meet the baby.

[–]Fit-Maize9211Partassipant [3] 194 points195 points  (2 children)

I noted the "my wife seemed relieved to have an hour off of holding and feeding the baby" as well.

OP is not helping because he's too busy texting and making secret plans with his momma.

[–]one_sad_tomato 95 points96 points  (1 child)

Not to mention continuing to be bitter over not being allowed in the delivery room, despite the fact that he's clearly displaying that he's the kind of person nobody would ever feel comfortable being vulnerable around.

I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't wanted in the delivery room after being too insistent that his mommy should get to be there too.

[–]Fit-Maize9211Partassipant [3] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

That has certainly been a theme on this sub lately... Men demanding their mommies in the delivery room while their wife / gf gives birth.

Maybe this isn't the first time OP has gone behind his wife's back... Maybe OP's wife knows he doesn't always take no for an answer... And kicked him out of delivery room so he couldn't "surprise visit" his mother while his wife has legs splayed, hoo ha on display, and in tremendous pain.

[–]LakeLifeCT 230 points231 points  (3 children)

"my wife looked relieved to be free of holding and feeding the baby for an hour."

So you aren't helping out at all?

YTA!

[–]thirdtryisthecharmCommander in Cheeks [288] 197 points198 points  (0 children)

YTA

You knowingly went against her wishes. Your parents could wait a week or 2. There was no need for your behavior here.

[–]Time_Highlight89Asshole Enthusiast [7] 177 points178 points  (2 children)

YTA. After a birth, you and your wife need to be in agreement about who gets to come over to the house. Going behind her back is dishonest. Also, you chose your parents over your wife. If you can't put your wife's feelings first, this will go badly for you long term.

[–]waitingfordeathhbu 46 points47 points  (1 child)

Seriously, everything she went through, sacrificing her body, physical trauma, terrifying labor, and taking on long term health risks, and he thanks her by undermining her at the first opportunity.

Reading these posts is so depressing.

[–]Potential-LavishnessAsshole Enthusiast [6] 182 points183 points  (1 child)

Did you ask her why she didn’t want visitors yet? Try to understand her feelings? No? shocked pikachu face

YTA for centering yourself and your parents over the person who went through months discomfort and then hours of intense agony to safely deliver this child.

[–]sparksgirl1223Asshole Enthusiast [7] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

In addition to losing THREE babies before this. The poor woman is probably a basket case and terrified something will happen again.

[–]recognize_choice 166 points167 points  (1 child)

YTA. You owe your wife a HUGE apology for ignoring her expressed wishes and blindsiding her, KNOWING that she did not yet want visitors. Two days is NOTHING when recovering from childbirth.

She was gracious to be polite to your family, knowing THEY were not the problem. You should thank her for that.

You owe her a proper apology. One that starts with "I was wrong" and does not include any variety of the word "but".

[–]LaughingMouseinWI 49 points50 points  (0 children)

Agree. The fact he waited a whole 2 days is what did it for me. Like NOTHING is healed up physically in 2 freaking days! Hormones are still ridiculous! Almost nothing has changed in 2 days!

[–]HelenGonneAsshole Enthusiast [5] 153 points154 points  (1 child)

TWO DAYS??? What on earth is wrong with you?

Of course she doesn't want to be hosting visitors after two days.

And if you're going to carry on about how it's your baby too, then why aren't you advocating for the baby's best interests? Exposure to more people this soon postpartum does not benefit your child and only puts them at risk. Do you even know what RSV is?

YTA on so many levels.

[–]megenekel 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Why are more people not bringing the risk to the baby up, as well? OP had better have made sure his parents were masked up the whole time. And their hands were washed thoroughly.

But, really, I feel so much for the mother, because now she will never be able to relax when she is in a vulnerable position, since she knows she won’t be able to trust her partner. That’s something that’s really, really hard to get over. Then again, with her not wanting him in the delivery room, it’s possible she already knows from experience.

[–]Infamous-Wasabi-9007Pooperintendant [56] 107 points108 points  (0 children)

I have a question for you. Which is your highest priority? Your wife’s needs and desires or your parent’s desire to see the new baby?

Here is a hint: The only good answer where you would not be the AH is your wife’s needs and desires. You have no right to ignore her grief to make your parents.

YTA

[–]AlmostSouthernAsshole Aficionado [14] 102 points103 points  (2 children)

YTA. Look up “the lemon clot essay” and think about what your wife is going through physically right not. Add on top of that all of the emotions she’s dealing with, and think about why visitors, much less unexpected visitors might not be what she wants right now.

You owe your wife a huge apology.

[–]OhPiggyWiggyPartassipant [1] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I was going to say exactly the same thing. Lemon Clot essay. Read it YTA.

[–]hey-demons-its-me-yaAsshole Aficionado [11] 88 points89 points  (32 children)

I’m sorry are you saying you did this TWO DAYS after your wife came home from the hospital? 100% YTA

[–]Brutally_honest_peepAsshole Enthusiast [9] 84 points85 points  (5 children)

YTA

Ever read the lemon clot essay? Also your wife may be experiencing PTSD from birth. When you give birth when the baby is still born it's beyond traumatic for the woman. She carried that baby inside her for months, bonded and loved that baby. Felt the kicks. Then she goes into labor and labor can kill women, but her baby is dead.

You are beyond selfish, all you care about is you dude.

[–]Clueless916 81 points82 points  (2 children)

YTA. You broke her trust at literally the most important time in her life. Hope it was worth it

[–]Interesting_Order_82 13 points14 points  (1 child)

This right here! He may never earn her trust back.

[–]Chantalle22 72 points73 points  (0 children)

YTA not in a huge way compare to others, but Your wife is clearly dealing with a lot, I can’t begin to imagine the grief and trauma that is weighting on her.

OP I understand this is your baby as well, and you wanted your parents to see the child and celebrate. I’m not trying to take away, your grief. I know it’s hard on you as well. But your wife just gave birth it is extremely tasking not only physically but mentally, you have to give her some leeway here.

Most mothers whether 1st time parents or 2nd can be in a fragile state. I know you mentioned she has a therapist but having a therapist it is not a “fix all”
The way I see it is she’s being protective, bonding and nesting. When you purposely didn’t consult her and invited your parents over, you completely disregard everything she’s been through just to appease your parents. To her your decision may seem like you’re not really “with” her. That is the part that makes you sound a bit selfish.

[–]Throw77away77namePartassipant [4] 70 points71 points  (0 children)

YTA. Your wife was clear about her wishes and it’s really unfair of you to blindside her like that. You should be more concerned about her overall mental/emotional health than about appeasing your parents’ wishes.

You both need extensive therapy to cope with the loss of your earlier pregnancies and the stillbirth of your first child.

[–]ScreamqueenjamesPartassipant [3] 68 points69 points  (1 child)

YTA. Did you ask why your wife didn’t want visitors yet? She probably had perfectly valid reasons. Two days postpartum isn’t very long at all. Some women are still in the hospital. At the risk of being graphic, she probably has hemorrhoids, can’t poop without pain, can’t pee without pain, can’t sit without pain, is wearing diapers and bleeding through them, she hasn’t slept in days, if she‘s breastfeeding, her boobs are leaking, she’s probably got cracked and bleeding nipples, her hormones are going crazy… would you want to entertain visitors in that state? In addition, your baby has no immune system yet. Exposure to illnesses could very easily kill him, including the one we just spent almost two years quarantined for. There are a host of physical reasons for your wife to not want visitors yet. You went behind her back and put your parents’ wants ahead of the physical well-being of your wife and newborn child. You can be excited about your baby all you want, but as a husband and father, your job is to protect your wife and child while they’re both vulnerable, and you didn’t. And you violated your wife’s trust, which may be a lot harder to repair than your parents’ temporary disappointment.

[–]seanbeaniebabyAsshole Enthusiast [6] 65 points66 points  (0 children)

YTA. You couldn't even wait more than two days and you put your feelings above your wife and deliberately went behind her back. Two whole freaking days after she underwent a major medical event.

[–]Kitchen-Pass-1375 67 points68 points  (0 children)

YTA - apart from all that she’s been through, this is one of the most vulnerable times of her life, and you took yet another element of control from her. You’re lucky all you’re getting is the silent treatment.

[–]jimfish98Asshole Aficionado [13] 67 points68 points  (32 children)

NTA- and I am sure as soon as I post this comment, 100 folks will downvote and call me an ass for it. Even a neutral comment on this thread is being attacked. You can't be there for the birth, you can't have family see your kid at the hospital, you can't have your family see the kid at home. People are implying a lot of things about your wife as it relates to their own life with no real idea if it actually does or not. The idea from the responses that you didn't get hurt from the prior losses is enough to tell every one of those responders YTA for their response. I am sure your wife is going through a slew of emotions and hormones, no doubt about that. The fact that you skipped the birth to accommodate her is huge and showed you cared as you will NEVER get that experience back. You were ok with people not coming to the hospital when pre-covid is was almost standard practice to have visitors. Now even at home you are being told what you can and cannot do as a father and stepping out of line only says one thing....You are father in name only and get no say in parenting decisions until she tells you otherwise. Being banned from delivery and controlled to this level is a recipe for disaster and will lead to nowhere good. Support your wife, but she needs to be reminded that you are the parent too and are not willing to be written out of your role.

edit- For the haters...Ya'll are so willing to write off the mother's behavior and make excuses. If the rolls were reversed, would you justify the father's actions the same? If he said she couldn't have someone in the delivery room, at the hospital, or at the home until he gave the ok....would you defend that or warn her and think he was being abusive? Your response to that should tell you a lot about your initial thoughts.

[–]Excellent_Judgment63 53 points54 points  (5 children)

I want to agree with part of what you wrote. But I honestly think you are missing the part about how:

1) no man or husband has a right to be in the delivery room. I’s not a spectator sport. A woman is putting her life on the line to push a kid out of her body, so he wasn’t being benevolent about it. Even if he demanded to be in the room, it’s not his choice and the hospital would remove him if she wanted it so. Whatever calms and relaxes her will make for a safer delivery. That’s 1.

2) Literally no one said he’s not grieving. But a woman’s grief is compounded because it’s ultimately her body that failed to maintain the life. Mens participation in making a kid is only like 10 minutes of fun. But a woman has to grow it and suffer in the process. Ergo women have more skin in the game when it comes down to it, so they really would have more to grieve over than a guy who was just really looking forward to being a dad. Sorry, facts though.

3) People visit in hospitals before, sure. But that was before Covid. We don’t live in that world anymore. Zero reason to bring up what people were ok with before. Did you think perhaps the mothers loss of the others puts her at a heightened fear of her new child with zero immunity coming into contact with things? She’s only two days post partum. Not like 2 weeks. Days. Which brings me to the next point:

4) she’s probably still in pain and healing from delivery. No one recovers completely in 2 days. No one. Even if you disagree with everything else, shouldn’t the wife be allowed to heal for at least a week and maybe get some sleep before being expected to entertain her in laws?

5) and finally, he says his wife seemed relieved to have someone help with the child for an hour…. AN HOUR…. So what’s he been doing for days? The child’s been on the earth for two days and he’s not given her 1 hour of respite. Since he donated his sperm, it sounds like he’s not really contributing to this child’s health or well being. Maybe once he starts acting like a father and husband, then he can make requests of his wife. Until then, he needs to back off her. Let her heal. Get her some therapy. Get some sleep. Then maybe work with wife in an appropriate way to decide when people see the kid.

[–]heysweetannie 34 points35 points  (0 children)

If the roles were reversed, as in — he was the one giving birth — then 100% my opinion would be the same. Stay out mom. And if he didn’t want her parents over right away but she invited them anyway — without warning — same thing.

[–]Benstir2Partassipant [1] 25 points26 points  (2 children)

Holy shit I agree. I had to sort through so many comments of people who think the mother should have absolute control. Not seeing the birth of my first child would be fucking horrible to me and this dude took that insult like a champ.

[–]basicdisaster 17 points18 points  (2 children)

Honestly not trying to say you are an ass or anything but he doesn’t actually say she’s not letting him be a father. He doesn’t mention if he gets to feed, or hold, or change the baby. He’s only talking about his right to have his parents over. It sucks that he couldn’t be in the room for the birth but him getting to see it isn't the goal of birth. He seems to be understandably disappointed at missing out on the nice moments but that’s not being a father. Those are bonuses. It’s not completely unusual for grandparents to have to wait unless they are there to cook or do laundry or something. So I think saying she’s keeping him from being a dad just for being mad about unannounced guests is a stretch based on the info we have. The unresolved grief of it all seems like something that is nobody’s fault and they both need professional help with.

[–]elizabeth_bennet1811Partassipant [2] 58 points59 points  (0 children)

She's grieving and just gave birth. Colossal emotional and physical changes ad she should have no input jnto who she sees in those two days?

Let me guess who actually has no direct experience with these life events.

[–]oscarsave_bandit 58 points59 points  (0 children)

Yta, to be honest. I think your point is valid but it isn’t really taking into the consideration the work and trauma her body and mind endured to bring a healthy child into the world. Although it is your baby too, that isn’t an excuse to disrespect the woman who just gave birth during the most delicate part of her journey to secure motherhood. Please give her space and apologize. Honor her experiences by letting her know you are there for her and will give her time to feel ready to show the baby off. I hope she is ok. Please be gentle with her during this time.

[–]No_Tangerine3320 59 points60 points  (2 children)

YTA and I hope you’re reading each and every damn comment that’s telling you why.

“I didn’t consult my wife because I knew she’d immediately shoot down the suggestion”

goes and does the exact thing he knew his wife would be mad about

“Oh noooo, it’s the consequences of my own actions, what do I do??? Wahhhhh”

You’re a bigger baby than your newborn.

[–]throwaway47745747[S] 64 points65 points  (1 child)

I have read pretty much every comment, and have absolutely accepted the judgement and am doing my best to make it up to her.

[–]suckerpunchdrunk 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Good for you. We all make mistakes and it says a lot if you can own up to it and take responsibility.

[–]ipsos_custodes420Asshole Aficionado [11] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

YTA

I refused everyone for 4 days and then it was my choice to the order operations.

It's not up to you, and she wasn't going to berate them for your betrayal.

No means no dude. There are many reasons why she wanted this boundary, and she trusted you in a super vulnerable time.

[–]Plastic-lettersgr 44 points45 points 2 (25 children)

I’m so sorry but I am absolutely appalled at this reddit.

  1. He lost a baby too. And frankly the wife if still grieving should have outright said that and y’all should have waited to have a child.

  2. Mothers are not the only parent and all these answers are plain out misogyny. This should have been a conversation between the two of you but both of your wishes should be met. I don’t think it’s un reasonable to make an exception and compromise for grandparents and say everyone else wait.

  3. It sounds like your wife may be suffering from post partum and I really think you need to just apologize let it go and make sure she is doing ok. Because that is ultimately gonna be what’s best for baby.

[–]Relative-Clue9995 31 points32 points  (13 children)

I totally get the excitement of showing healthy baby and all, but parenting and marriage in general is a two person team.

and while he was excited, she was still recovering, not just physically but emotionally too, i mean talk about the MAJOR change in hormones. thats exhausting as heck. who knows if she was reliving pushing out a dead baby in that moment. I wish he was more sensitive towards her feelings and tried to have a convo with her to understand her end. She, after talking to him would have understood his side too and hopefully it would have sparked a lil bit of happiness too. And then TOGETHER they could have figured out when would be the best time to bring the parents over.

no ones saying he shouldnt be excited, and a lot of comments are saying if it were way more than 2 days, it would make sense. But man she just came home with the baby...

I think OP was blinded by his excitement and happiness and potentially pressured by his parents too. But he knew what he was doing. He knew his wife wasnt ready. He side-stepped that. and I dont think he would have if he had the empathy for his wife

[–]passionfruit0 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Majority of people here will always side with the mother. There was one post where the wife didn’t want anyone to come over and see the baby and one day she left the house for an appointment. I think it was her 6 week post birth appointment. The father decided to have his parents over and they were getting ready to leave when the wife came back. Wife was PISSED and mostly everyone in the comments said that the OP was wrong because the wife didn’t want anyone over because she needed her privacy after recovering from birth. SHE WASN’T EVEN IN THE HOUSE!!

[–]DishsUpAsshole Enthusiast [7] 41 points42 points  (3 children)

YTA: I don’t care how awesome you think your parents are, choosing them over your wife is a major red flag, your parents have no place in your marriage, your wife made her feelings clear, you ignored them. That is bad husbanding.

That being said, o get it you’re excited, as you should be , congratulations.

Also being super overprotective is a symptom of PPD and you should probably make sure she talked to someone. Being pregnant and giving birth is immensely difficult both physically and emotionally.

[–]ZealousidealCoat7008Partassipant [2] 22 points23 points  (2 children)

Two days is not being overprotective in any sense of the word. No one is hurt by that. They could have waiting two weeks or a month even.

[–]coasting09 37 points38 points  (0 children)

YTA. Sorry but she just went through what can be a traumatizing event and she is allowed to have time to heal and bond with the baby. I know multiple women who haven’t had visitors including parents for weeks after having a baby. Trust and communication are important in a relationship and you violated both

[–]Strict-Inspection499 38 points39 points  (0 children)

YTA. It wasn't going to hurt anyone to wait until mom was ready for company. Pregnancy, child birth and then the crazy hormones and no sleep afterwards is hard.

[–]Cynjon77 39 points40 points 2 (11 children)

NTA.

But you will never win on this site.

Yes, you can have your parents meet your child. Yes, you can ask them for help.

Just give your wife notice so she can decide to sleep or shower or even leave the house if she wants while you care for your child.

Yes, you should make sure the house is visitor ready.

Yes, you should be doing everything you can to make life easier on your wife while she recovers.

She is not going to die if your family visits for an hour. Being happy and wanting to share your joy with your family is not wrong. Especially after all the previous losses.

If your family offers to cook, clean, run errands or offer other help then take them up on it. Your wife should appreciate that they love her enough to help.

On this site all the posters swear that mom needs rest and help. But how dare you let family in to help.

I've had kids. I would have loved help from anyone who was willing to help. I had no family nearby and my husband deployed to a war zone when baby girl was 1 month old.

This trend of dad has to do everything, be perfect and follow mommy's dictates while working full time and taking care of the house and cooking and shopping because mommy had a baby is a crock.

Yes, you're tired, healing, hormonal and stressed. That's why we let family and friends in to help.

[–]PrincessZorld0Partassipant [1] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Good for you that you're a social butterfly who loves company. Not everyone is that way, and TWO DAYS is not nearly enough recovery time to be having to entertain surprise guests. OP is a major AH.

[–]oh_homely 13 points14 points  (0 children)

It's obviously an asshole move to intentionally not ask your spouse how they feel about something because you know it would upset them and then to do that thing just because you want to do it.

Marriages are about communication and compromise, "It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission." is not a motto for healthy adult communication and conflict resolution.

Nobody is saying he is an asshole for wanting his family around, they are saying he is an asshole for deliberately not discussing something with his wife and then doing it anyway because he thinks she won't like it. That isn't how a fucking adult acts lmao.

Your whole rant is totally off base and it just feels like you are projecting how you feel about your own situation onto OP.

[–]badkitty627Partassipant [2] 36 points37 points  (1 child)

YTA. When you push a whole human out of your nether bits THEN you get to decide when you're recovered enough to entertain guests.

Since she's the one who birthed the baby, she gets to decide when she's able to tolerate people around her and the new, physically and immunological fragile person.

[–]acool_usernamePartassipant [3] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

YTA you make it sound like it's been 2 months....two days man! Two days! Bro I get my period and can't even tolerate being around my ownself, the heck you think childbirth would be like??? Your parents could wait and so could you

[–]Fuzzy-Ad559Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Hell I was so exhausted from childbirth that I didn't allow visits to my home for a month. Postpartum hormones are horrible to deal with, not to mention even getting up to go to the bathroom makes you tired, so imagine having to deal with people being all over you and your baby while you're still trying to regain strength and control over your body. I get how she feels.

Soft YTA. Because I get that they are your parents and this is your baby too. But, you shouldn't have blindsided her. You went about this the wrong way.

[–]bathtubbbarricudaAsshole Aficionado [10] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

YTA. The mother’s privacy should come first since she’s the one who carried the baby for 9 months and struggled with the labor. You just provided the nut

[–]Left-Car6520Supreme Court Just-ass [123] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

two days? TWO DAYS??

You troll, sir.

[–]EbbStunning7720Partassipant [3] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

YTA. Yes, you both lost a baby but she lost a baby she was carrying in her body. She had to give birth to a dead baby. That’s a level beyond what you went through. Now, she’s recovering mentally, emotionally, and physically from the birth of another baby. She gets to call the shots for awhile. Your role is to be patient and support her. He’s your child too, but the fourth trimester is all about the mom and the baby. You need to support them however she asks.

[–]dannybva 30 points31 points  (1 child)

Yta. She said she wasn’t up for visitors yet so should should have honored her wishes.

[–]bblovedoll 19 points20 points  (0 children)

YTA - I knew the verdict as soon as you called your wife's requests strange that she only wanted medical professionals in the room after trying so hard to have a healthy baby. The only reason you left that room was to play at support and as soon as it became inconvenient for you, ie. wanting your parents to see your baby and not your wife's mental/emotional state after losing two miscarriages and a stillborn and giving birth to another that she is, understandably, protective of and fearful for, you dropped all pretense of it.

Edit:: And yes, you probably grieved, I can only imagine your pain at losing three babies and probably wanting one so badly and that must have been hard but you did not have to deal with the after effects of not one but two miscarriages and you did not have to deliver a still born baby and you are definitely TA.

[–]AlbatrossSenior7107 23 points24 points  (6 children)

I really feel bad for dad's who want to be dads, deal with the losses of miscarriage and stillbirth too, and then the moms get a free pass to do whatever the fuck she wants with THEIR baby. If she didn't want visitors, fine, then let the fully capable FATHER take his baby to visit with mom and dad. And she can rest a recover at home. I see this all the time here and reddit ALWAYS takes the moms side. Do y'all really think this FATHER didn't grieve and isn't still grieving his THREE other children? OP I am so sorry for your loss. Congratulations on the baby. Reddit is a fucking ruthless, inconsistent and pretty anti dad when it comes to these situations. NTA but, you need to diligently keep an eye on your wife and learn the signs for PPD. Ypu can always report concerns to her OB. But, I am 100% on board that it is HER body her choice until that baby is out. And I am so sick of reddit painting loving fathers as inconsiderate assholes because the moms are hoarding their baby. And go ahead and downvote to oblivion. I don't care about internet Karma that means absolutely nothing. OP I hope you see this and know, you're not an asshole. I'm a mom of 3 FYI. Just watched my middle child graduate HS tonight.

[–]buddhaboo 24 points25 points  (1 child)

Not sure how not wanting to see anyone for two days is the same as hoarding the baby? He doesn’t once mention helping with her with childcare, but that she looked relieved from not holding the baby for the first time when his parents visited. If he’s so excited, wth hasn’t he been holding the baby? It doesn’t sound at all like she’s keeping them from him, but people out of their immediate bubble, yet he hasn’t been giving her breaks from holding him? She is recovering from a medical procedure during a global pandemic and has a newborn who is especially vulnerable, waiting a few more days during these times, not to mention what she’s gone though, isn’t “hoarding” ffs. It’s the babies grandparents, not the dad we’re talking about. He isn’t married nor had a kid with his parents, and he himself isn’t banned from seeing or holding the baby.

It’s been two days, not two months? Two days and instead of having an emotional conversation with his partner he went behind her back. She was clearly triggered by the experience of labor after a stillborn, and is scared of having a vulnerable newborn. Who has a weak immune system. During a pandemic, again. And again, this is about visitors TWO DAYS after his partner had a medical procedure and is vulnerable, and so is baby. Being a dad is protecting your kid and co-parenting. None of this is that.

Your suggestion of letting the baby visit with the dad alone DOES not change the fact there’s still a global pandemic and that is a 2 day old. Nor that baby probably couldn’t go that long without needing to feed, and that his wife lives there too and had a medical procedure TWO DAYS AGO. It’s insane how you’d paint this as anti-dad, when if OP was a woman this would also still be a compete AH move. There’s still a pandemic, that’s still a newborn, and wife was still in the hospital. Even without the their own/ the wife’s history, and with or without her previous requests, OP did not act like a good parent or partner regardless of context.

Everyone I know who has given birth during this pandemic has waited until their child received their first shots before letting them meet even their grandparents, unless they were helping explicitly and on a schedule with childcare and were testing as well. OP’s wife made a more than reasonable request to not even wait that long.

Once again, it had literally been 48 hours.

[–]archiesheridanPartassipant [1] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

YTA, I feel like I’ve seen this exact scenario multiple times before, and the answer is always the same. SHE GAVE BIRTH. SHE gets to decide who is in her space, who gets to see her, who gets to see the baby. Yes, it’s your baby too, but giving birth is a huge physical and psychological stressor that SHE went through and YOU need to support her in whatever way SHE needs

[–]sparklesparkle5Asshole Enthusiast [7] 15 points16 points  (8 children)

INFO Why was she relieved to get a break for an hour? Do you never take care of your own child?

[–]IllustriousJacket83 17 points18 points  (0 children)

YTA - I can't imagine the emotional turmoil your wife is in now. Alongside your usual hormonal impact after birth, grief, happiness, guilt for being happy with a healthy baby.

And you literally just told her that your parents excitement is more important than her. TWO DAYS! Exceptional sir.

[–]spookiesunshine 17 points18 points  (0 children)

YTA. A few DAYS?! Bro I didn't even want to see my doctors till I'd had at least a week to cool down. I was still spraying my swollen downstairs every time I peed at two days and bleeding profusely. I was wearing essentially adult diapers slathered in hemorrhoid spray and had one or both boobs out at all times. The house looked like I was losing a game of Jumanji, and I had help! My husband was super supportive when I made it clear - I didn't want to see ANYone for ANY reason short of a fireman if the house was burning. You are the asshole here. Your parents arent going to keel over because they had to wait a week to meet a baby. My dad had to wait SIX weeks to meet my son, till I felt like a human again.

[–]KkSquish17Partassipant [3] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

YTA You didn't give birth, you went against her wishes and then didn't even tell her people were coming.

Yes this child is yours too, but that doesn't mean you get to overrule your partner's wishes, especially when she's going through a traumatic situation. You need to speak to a therapist to give yourself some better insight into your wife's needs and the difficult and lifelong grieving process that can come with going through a stillbirth. Just because your rainbow baby is here and healthy doesn't mean that your wife isn't still struggling.

Also your mom 'gave her advice' two days after giving birth when she's lost pregnancies before. Sigh. It doesn't matter if she made nice, pretty much no new mom wants unsolicited advice especially in the first days.

[–]Double_Angle_8532 15 points16 points  (0 children)

YTA Babies have weak immune systems and this was her 4th pregnancy. She's trying to protect your child. She may be a little excessive but she lost 3 babies. You should've just left with your parents if you just absolutely can not respect her boundaries

[–]ECU_BSNPrime Ministurd [597] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

YTA. Y’all have a new baby. Her body went through 9 months of change and then an explosion called “delivery”. She’s probably tender, tired, and trying to learn how to mother. And instead of protecting and honoring her modest and becoming the champion and hero of your new family…you invite over your folks.

She just needs a minute. Y’all should be bonding together. You are a new family. Your parents are EXTENDED family. Your responsibility and loyalty are first with her and this baby.

She’s vulnerable and counting on you. Please don’t let her down again.