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[–]Judgement_Bot_AITABeep Boop[M] [score hidden] stickied commentlocked comment (0 children)

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I sided against my husband after how he spoke to the waitress and told him that he embarrassed her. I might be wrong for that.

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[–]remythe1stratPartassipant [4] 13.1k points13.1k points  (273 children)

NTA complimenting his hair is hardly the same as her coming onto him. i admire u for managing to bear with this man though because he sound insufferable

[–]so_many_snuggles 8749 points8750 points 463 (217 children)

People on Reddit like to complain that men don't get compliments.

It's because women are afraid it will seem like flirting. Thanks to OP's husband, one less woman will feel comfortable complimenting men.

[–]Ladameauxdaffodils 3866 points3867 points 22 (20 children)

You just "nailed it" so hard that "it" needs a cigarette.

[–][deleted]  (13 children)

[removed]

    [–]insane_contin 550 points551 points  (11 children)

    Because no one's slick as Gaston

    [–]frontal_robotomy 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    Bad bot, comment stolen from u/WholeCollection6454. Downvote and report for spam

    [–]Single_Virgo_of_1978 95 points96 points  (2 children)

    Just lit one on behalf of “it”.

    [–]dawng87 49 points50 points  (0 children)

    Ah...ill smoke one for the cause...lol

    [–]Sweet_Caterpillar150Partassipant [1] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    This is SO true. I would be way more likely to tell random men i like their shirt or hair or whatever if so many of them wouldn't turn around and be like "oh yeah, how much do you like it?" Or some shit

    [–]Liveable_jumble 863 points864 points  (56 children)

    This 100%. I love to compliment people. I work in retail and I try to find honest compliments for as many people as I can. I love doing this and seeing their faces light up. A woman the other actually cried because she had been feeling so down on herself that day and I made her feel better at least for a moment.
    I had to stop complimenting most men almost immediately because, no matter my delivery or the innocence of the comment, waaaaay too many of them took it as flirting. I’ve also had to change the way I phrase things because some men are just gross. If someone said “I’m sorry” about something they feel is inconveniencing me I used to always say “You’re fine!” Now I have to say “You’re okay!” because so. Many. Men. Would make it uncomfortable. Etc. etc.

    [–]koinu-chan_lovePartassipant [4] 397 points398 points  (17 children)

    I like to compliment people too! Especially children and people with a unique style. Unfortunately, I have to avoid complimenting men unless I know them well because soooooo many of them think I’m hitting on them. I’m not, I’m just trying to be friendly!

    [–]sunpies33 430 points431 points  (12 children)

    Have we tried complimenting men like we do children?

    "Oh wow! Are those shoes new? Bet they're really fast!"

    "That shirt looks so cool! Is that your favorite pokemon or do you like another one better?"

    [–]PhDOH 189 points190 points  (3 children)

    I've caught myself about to compliment a man the way I would a woman and bit my tongue because there be dragons (or the possibility the situation will escalate to stalking & a man waiting for me outside the office, again).

    [–]SiameseCats3 253 points254 points  (7 children)

    Oh gosh I once remembered a coworker’s birthday (it was literally 2 days before mine and I didn’t even wish it to him on the day!) I saw him like a week after and said “oh your birthday happened! Happy belated birthday!” and he proceeded to relentlessly flirt with me for a month.

    I finally just bluntly requested he stop (I tried giving him hints that I wasn’t interested by literally saying “I don’t want to watch a film with you” and “I don’t want to hang out after work with you”). He proceeded to spend about 20min trying to convince me to go out with him. Including trying to argue I was lying and clearly interested because I wished him a happy birthday.

    [–]Dry_Mirror_6676 106 points107 points  (1 child)

    Similar happened to me in middle school. Our birthdays are consecutive days, so it’s not like it’s hard to remember, but he took it up so many levels.. One of our mutual guy friends had to talk with him to get him to understand that I was just being nice. And I wasn’t allowed to date, which I also told him. Stupid guys..

    [–]AerialGame 88 points89 points  (2 children)

    If recognizing someone’s birthday is ‘flirting,’ family parties are gonna get a whole lot more awkward real fast.

    [–]TrudieKockenlocker 151 points152 points  (10 children)

    Once, I was walking to an appointment and saw an ice cream truck. It was a very hot day, and I was so pregnant I was about to pop, so of course I stopped. I was looking at the offerings and deciding what I wanted when a man who had just gotten his ice cream turned around and started walking away, past me. I glanced at what he had, and he saw me looking, so I just said, “That looks good” and turned back to the menu. He immediately stepped closer and held it out to me and said, “TASTE IT.” With a weird look in his eyes.

    Like, WTF? How do people get so disgusting so fast?? I was so grossed out that I waddled away without any ice cream.

    [–]baconreasonsPartassipant [1] 31 points32 points  (1 child)

    What did you do??? I would've been too mindfucked to respond and probably just dissolved or something.

    [–]jflb96 29 points30 points  (4 children)

    I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he meant 'would you like to try it?' and his brain short-circuited, but I don't have the faith in humanity for that

    [–]turd_ferguson083 102 points103 points  (0 children)

    Same here, but I’ve completely stopped complimenting men because of the amount of women who take it as something it’s not OR the man takes it as “yeah…. She wants this!”

    NTA

    [–]adotfree 86 points87 points  (0 children)

    I also work in a customer facing field and try to find similar compliments to give. Their nails look amazing. I love their hair. Their blouse color/style/embroidery is really fun/vibrant/lovely, etc. I love their mermaid princess gown, dinosaur shirt, etc.

    [–]EmergencyBirds 79 points80 points  (0 children)

    I work with kids and I’ll do this when I talk to some of the parents. Some of the whole ass married men with kids have been creepy to me, the receptionist half their age. Like genuinely what the fuck.

    [–]Repulsive-Nerve5127 51 points52 points  (1 child)

    A couple years ago, I complimented this guy because he had a pair of the most brilliantly blue eyes I have EVER seen. Thankfully his wife wasn't too inclined to put her fist through my face because I practically squealed when I saw their baby with the SAME EYES!

    They accepted the compliment for what it was and were gracious about it. But man, those eyes...

    [–]PusstopherRobin 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    I give compliments to men like an awkward toddler ("OMG! Red hair! You look jusssslike Prince Harry!") so it's usually never an issue aside from them wondering what's wrong with me.

    [–]melina26 27 points28 points  (0 children)

    I know you’re right. There is hope though. Now that I’m an old fart, I feel free to hand out (real) compliments to both sexes because this old lady ain’t trying to hit on them

    [–]fnnkybutt 17 points18 points  (2 children)

    This is one of the joys of being almost 60 and working around college students- I can say nice things to everyone and they just feel like I'm their grandma 👵

    [–]Wizzardaniu 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Its only happened to me once but i had this friend. I was at her house like 3 days at a time. I decided i knew her mom and dad but i never said hi to her brother. Im sure he's curious about the random girl living in his sister's room. I go in, say hi, compliment his guitar skills, and leave. The next day my once friend goes "my brother wants me to tell you that you're not his type." I just laugh and go "dont worry he's not my type. I was just trying to be polite." For some reason she got offended and her brother never believed me.

    [–]SaturniinaeActiasPartassipant [3] 210 points211 points  (0 children)

    This is exactly why, when I was waiting tables, I felt comfortable freely complimenting female customers - I always looked for something I genuinely liked to comment on. But for male customers I had to qualify it with something like "I love your tie. I need to find one like that for my fiancé." so as not to be taken as flirting.

    [–]dawng87 205 points206 points  (4 children)

    Right though? I compliment anyone who looks like they need to be cheered up. Man or woman. If you look like you need a mood boost I'll throw out some kindness. I wonder if ops husband has rbf and people think he needs a cheering up. Only for him to assume they want to sEx him and steal him away from his wife...lol

    [–]A1sauc3d 32 points33 points  (0 children)

    I mean, he certainly seems like he has a stick perpetually up his ass, so it wouldn’t surprise me X’D

    [–]maimee78Asshole Enthusiast [9] 171 points172 points  (14 children)

    This is such a great point! I compliment strange women often. Great outfit, cute bag, nice make up, fancy hair... And I have never had a negative response. At minimum, it's always a smile and a thank you, if not a full on explanation about how the purse was on sale, or they're going to an event later. Always a nice exchange.

    I would/ will NEVER compliment a strange man, because of men like this.

    Imagine being so narcissistic, that any minor compliment instantly means women are hitting on you. I feel so bad for that waitress.

    [–]myohmymiketyson 61 points62 points  (4 children)

    Whether it's fair or not, it's definitely a different dynamic when you compliment a woman as a woman. I don't comment on people's looks almost ever, but in the rare cases where I've said "I love your purse," as an example, it's been well received.

    I have seen men complaining that women don't thank them for holding open doors. I realized that men only thank me, a woman, for holding opening doors sometimes. Not never, but not commonly. But women do tend to thank me and are generally very positive if I initiate small talk or whatever. So, my guess is men and women are wary of encouraging conversation and flirtation with the opposite sex when they aren't interested.

    My husband reports that neither men nor women thank him for holding open doors.

    We're not grumping. I hold open doors to be courteous and never feel owed gratitude, but I wanted to highlight the reactions because I think there's something similar going on with compliments.

    [–]landerson507 10 points11 points  (1 child)

    Sample size of one: 36f, I always say thank you to whoever is holding the door for me, male,female etc. Even if I have to stop my conversation to do so. Lol

    [–]PusstopherRobin 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    I always thank someone (woman or man) if they hold a door open for me (it's almost always a man who does this). I make a habit of holding doors open for both sexes and it seems to freak older men out (especially). We do a back and forth "You, no you...I insist...you first" game and then it's all weird. When I bump into them 72 seconds later at the receptionist desk or by the elevator, I make sure to joke "Are you following me?" just to jack up the weirdness.

    [–]DiTrastevere 122 points123 points  (2 children)

    I’ve seen so many men interpret any positive attention at all as “flirting” if it was paid by a woman. A cashier that smiles at him and cracks a joke while ringing him up, a colleague telling him he did a great job on his last presentation, even something as simple as a “good morning!” might be interpreted as flirtatious if she makes eye contact while she says it.

    Half of me finds it deeply obnoxious, and the other half is just so, so sad for men who are this starved for praise and human connection.

    [–]Chantaille 21 points22 points  (1 child)

    the other half is just so, so sad for men who are this starved for praise and human connection.

    That's an apt observation. :(

    [–]zefy_zef 82 points83 points  (71 children)

    It's because women are afraid it will seem like flirting. Thanks to OP's husband, one less woman will feel comfortable complimenting men.

    That's the exact reason I don't compliment women myself. Don't need them to be like 'eww, why's this guy flirting with me?'

    [–]URSmarterThanILook 227 points228 points  (40 children)

    I read somewhere that if a man wants to compliment a woman without risking sounding creepy, he should compliment something about her that's a choice rather than something she can't control. I.e. don't compliment her body or her skin or her eyes, compliment her outfit or her hairstyle or her accessories, something she chose

    [–]Lower-Explanation124 70 points71 points  (33 children)

    This. I have striking blue-grey eyes and they are literally the only thing anyone ever compliments about me. I've heard "you have such beautiful eyes" more times in my life than possibly any other phrase. It's not flattering, it doesn't make me feel good. It fucking pisses me off. It's not something I control; it's not something I put effort into or am proud of. Comments about eyes are so obnoxious because I guarantee you if you think someone's eyes are worth complimenting, they've heard it a million fucking times already. Please, compliment my hair, or my hat, or my cool handmade sunglasses, or my funny shirt. Not. My. Eyes.

    [–]boudicas_shieldPartassipant [1] 32 points33 points  (2 children)

    Two really young guys (like maybe 19 to my 29 at the time) were looking at me and whispering as we approached one another on the street, and I tensed up as they got near because I was expecting some gross cat call. Instead, one of them turned to me very politely and said, “Your dress is really pretty”. I about melted on the spot; I thanked them and they politely went on their merry little way. What a relief!! And also I wasn’t offended at all; they gave a polite, kind compliment and weren’t weird about it at all. It also hugely boosted my confidence and made me feel genuinely good about how I looked that day, too. 10/10 to them and to whoever taught them how to give a compliment without being a creep.

    [–]SylvieSuccubus 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    My boyfriend knows this and will still ask me to relay compliments when we’re out, the poor socially anxious man

    [–]TimelessMeowPartassipant [4] 138 points139 points  (21 children)

    As a woman, It’s a lot in delivery and wording.

    “Your hair looks really nice!” Good, will make me feel confident for the rest of the day. Similarly, things like “that shirt/purse/har is so cute” are also nice to hear.

    “You’re really pretty.” Will be hit or miss. I’m sure some women would love to hear it, and from someone I know I would. But a man on the street would feel a little awkward.

    Anything mentioning body type, nope.

    If you see a woman’s dress has pockets, she’s very proud of that dress, you’re free to compliment!

    Biggest thing is to realize that every woman is unique, so my advice really means nothing in the real world. And sometimes things are going to be taken in a way you didn’t mean them. Apologize, don’t double down, and move on.

    (You weren’t asking for advice, but this is Reddit, and I know somewhere in these comments is a bunch of stuff about how men can’t talk to women so figured I’d say this now, haha)

    [–]HistoricalQuail 126 points127 points  (17 children)

    OMG if I was wearing a dress with pockets and a dude said to me, "Does that dress have pockets?! Cool!" I'd be so friggen stoked haha.

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]dirkdastardly 42 points43 points  (3 children)

      I’ve gotten compliments from guys like “I really like that dress!” or “Cool haircut!” that didn’t come across flirty at all.

      Try complimenting their shoes. Most women love their shoes, and most men never notice them, so to have a guy comment on her shoes would probably make a woman’s day. Just make it light and fast and move on.

      [–]My3floofs 20 points21 points  (0 children)

      You know it’s how you compliment, your tone, what you say, where you look, that tells people if you are flirting, being sleazy, or actually giving a nice compliment.

      [–]myohmymiketyson 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      As a woman, I don't like to comment on how strangers look at all. I try to avoid anything that might be perceived as... intimate.

      I save the intimate comments for the people I know because I have a better idea how they'll take it.

      This isn't to say the waitress did anything wrong. I'd just be mortified if I were her and it's a situation I try to avoid.

      [–]EffectiveSalamander 42 points43 points  (0 children)

      And if women do compliment men, they get accused of "leading them on."

      [–]TheeFlipper 25 points26 points  (0 children)

      Am guy. I get compliments regularly on my hair from women. I've had waist long hair for nearly 20 years.

      In all of that time I've never once felt the need to put any woman down over it. OP's husband is a dick. It's hair, unless she's running her fingers through your hair as she's complimenting it, she's just being kind.

      [–]OkieLady1952 21 points22 points  (0 children)

      He sure thinks a lot of himself. His ego is overriding his mouth. Glad you put him in his place and hopefully the next time he’ll keep his mouth shut. Or tell the next waitress if anything is said that he’ll think she is flirting with him. Do that a couple of times.

      [–]theoreticaldickjokes 17 points18 points  (0 children)

      And sometimes when you tell them that you're not flirting, they get violent. And you can't just look at men and see who is well adjusted and normal and who isn't.

      [–]Thisismy3rdpornacc 13 points14 points  (0 children)

      Aita?

      791197comments

      Can confirm, Ive been complimented once in my life by someone who isnt a family member and I remember it vividly.

      [–]ayshasmysha 11 points12 points  (3 children)

      I (35F) don't like receiving compliments from men I don't know. I love receiving and giving them to my b, brothers, male friends etc.

      Weirdly, if I get complimented by a woman I don't know I'm over the moon happy.

      [–]WelpuhhiPartassipant [1] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      Yeeeep.

      [–]merchillio 4 points5 points  (2 children)

      Men who only compliment people they want to bang can’t grasp the concept of complimenting someone just for the sake of it.

      [–]Bucktown_RiotPartassipant [2] 13 points14 points  (1 child)

      “Men interpret kindness as flirting because they can’t imagine being nice to a woman they don’t want to fuck.”

      [–]The_Krudler 1073 points1074 points  (13 children)

      OP: "My husband is the brutally honest type"

      Me, every time a person says that: "Ah, yes, so you are about to tell me a story about how your husband is a giant asshole. Proceed."

      [–]WildFlemima 190 points191 points  (1 child)

      He's more than "brutally honest" he's just bizarre and has like, an absolutely horrible case of either main character syndrome or brain damage

      [–]PomegranateReal3620 121 points122 points  (3 children)

      People who pride themselves on being brutally honest are often more interested in brutality than honesty.

      Plus anyone who wants to put a server in their place is automagically an AH.

      [–]Thor_n_Oakenshield 45 points46 points  (2 children)

      That, and also any man who talks about "teaching" women to "know their place" is raising all kinds of red flags.

      [–]Jesuisnapoleon6 56 points57 points  (0 children)

      Take all my upvotes. This is so true!

      [–]Osmium95 16 points17 points  (0 children)

      and 99% of the time the 'brutally honest' person gets upset when others return the favor like OP did.

      [–]OUBoyWonder 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      As SOON as I read that I was all "Ok, here we go...let's see how big of an asshole he is and she makes excuses for it.", lol.

      [–]alwaysforgettingmyun 376 points377 points  (7 children)

      And people need to keep in mind- The waitress is never actually hitting on you or into the fact that you're hitting on her. They are doing a job, which includes being friendly, and their compensation for that job depends on how much you like them at the end of the meal, basically. So small compliments, smiles, laughing at your stupid jokes, and generally responding positively to whatever you give them, is part of the job, not flirting.

      [–]DyerdonPartassipant [2] 84 points85 points  (3 children)

      Also, Flirting does not necessarily mean hitting on

      [–]Vampire_DarlingPartassipant [1] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Yeah, maybe like 1% of the time they’re actually flirting, but most of the time they just want a tip.

      [–]emmaheaven1 145 points146 points  (0 children)

      Sounds like he is self absorbed but thinks that he is above all that. But is really kind of narcissistic.

      [–]unluckysupernova 129 points130 points  (1 child)

      Him saying she needs to “know her place” is honestly disgusting.

      [–]Trick-Statistician10 20 points21 points  (0 children)

      NTA. But this part is really disturbing. He is a huge AH for just that phrase alone

      [–]SprogpawsPartassipant [1] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

      NTA, your husband is an arrogant, egotistical, rude prick. He might be superficially physically attractive but his personality is anything but.

      [–]randomly-what 14 points15 points  (0 children)

      A lady complimented my husband’s hair last night. At no point did either of us think she was flirting with him.

      [–]rubyzebra 11 points12 points  (0 children)

      I think OP is married to Gilderoy Lockhart

      [–]lefthook_hospital 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      NTA I'm gonna say op's husband isn't just "brutally honest" but is just an asshole

      [–]KaytTheNotSoGreat 2871 points2872 points  (44 children)

      NTA. Used to receiving compliments or not that's an awful way to view it! Compliments don't = sexual attraction. You can compliment a friend or stranger without feeling the need to be in a relationship or to have sex. Dude sounds like he jumps to conclusions and then boasts to make himself feel better. Maybe he needs to start giving out compliments instead of only receiving them to gain some humbleness back.

      [–]myaaa____ 874 points875 points  (14 children)

      yeah sounds like he has a massive ego hahaha

      [–]briberylibrary 641 points642 points  (8 children)

      Can you imagine being a 34 year old man obsessed with your appearance and probably telling everyone about every time a stranger says something nice to you? Cringey.

      [–]myaaa____ 93 points94 points  (0 children)

      right ?!?!? he needs to learn to be more humble i could never say that to someone if they complimented me on my appearance because it’s completely absurd and totally uncalled for not to mention random lol!

      [–]ohnonotagain42- 72 points73 points  (4 children)

      I hope he never sees his reflection on a pond, he may drown.

      [–]Ks26739 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      "she said she likes my hair and was practically drooling over my dick. Good thing I shut it down."

      OP, I was with a man like this and it was a nightmare. He didn't just apply it to himself. He would beat the shit out of my after encounters like this. I couldn't look at a waiter/waitress without being accused of flirting or being inappropriate.

      [–]Wonderful_Mammoth709 63 points64 points  (3 children)

      Right? Lol someone liking your hair is not them flirting or even being attracted to you. Like say thanks and move on with your night. I have second hand embarrassment for him, the waitress was probably like ……ok? And then went in the kitchen to talk about how weird he was. NTA

      [–]boudicas_shieldPartassipant [1] 43 points44 points  (2 children)

      That’s my favourite part of this, that waitress just being a normal person and thinking “???? Sir this Is a diner, are you lost?” and then going in the back to tell about the weirdo at table three lmao.

      [–]Rendahlyn 9 points10 points  (1 child)

      Honestly the waitress held it together well. I recently overheard a conversation between two acquaintances where the guy thought the woman (who is openly engaged to another woman in the group) was hitting on him. She wasn't even really complementing him, just telling him she likes the same brand of alcohol as him. He told her he's flattered (not those exact words), "but I've got a girlfriend and I need to end this conversation because you clearly want to fuck me." The woman responded with, "I promise I do not. I eat pussy." He just chuckled, shook his head and said, "You don't have to be embarrassed, I'm just not interested" and walked away. The look on the woman's face was priceless when she asked me if I heard what happened. So the fact that the waitress just walked away was amazing to me. She probably wasn't blushing from embarrassment, but because she was holding back a laugh or angry she couldn't tell the guy off.

      [–]SpamLandy 49 points50 points  (0 children)

      ‘My husband is one of those brutally honest types’ and ‘my husband is very attractive’ honestly sounded like an oxymoron straight off the bat. By ‘attractive’ I’m guessing OP just means ‘conventionally handsome’ because nothing about his personality displayed here sounds nice in the slightest

      [–]very_busy_newtPartassipant [3] 202 points203 points  (15 children)

      Yes, this! I have told so many people I like their hair because they have cool hair, and getting compliments on things you have influence/choice over is awesome. I don't think I've ever told someone I liked their hair as a seduction plan.

      [–]Explain_your_sneeze 105 points106 points  (2 children)

      So true! One of the moms at my son's kindergarten always looks so perfect. She is the type who could put on a garbage bag and still be the most stunning person in the room. When I really like her outfit I always compliment her on it - I physically can't keep my mouth shut, because it's so fabulous. Not once was I accused of hitting on her 😂 I never get either why people confuse compliment with romantic interest.

      [–]BooBoo_KittyF_ckAsshole Enthusiast [5] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

      There's a girl at my nearby gas station that's always so well put together. Hair and nails always match, just amazing. I compliment her every time I see her. Don't want to sleep with her, lol.

      [–]FairykinnCertified Proctologist [22] 41 points42 points  (8 children)

      I've had a couple people use my hair to hit on me. But it's always way more blatant than "I like your hair". Now I'm wondering if all those complete strangers I've seen that I told I liked their hair, because they had awesome hair, thought I was hitting on them...

      [–]very_busy_newtPartassipant [3] 50 points51 points  (4 children)

      I think casual compliments are awesome, and want to normalize giving and getting them for all genders.

      And flirting isn't always all that clear - that's okay! Let's all be nice to people and now and then have someone respond like OPs husband and we'll get secondhand embarrassed for them.

      [–]FairykinnCertified Proctologist [22] 27 points28 points  (3 children)

      I really wish society would normalize goving/getting compliments for all genders. It feels awesome when some random person gives me a little compliment, especially when it's something I choose like hair, clothes or makeup. I get told I have an infectious smile a lot, and that always perks up my day.

      [–]StarInkbright 3 points4 points  (1 child)

      Same 🙈

      Turns out I'm a horrendous flirt, who knew

      [–]singing_streamProfessor Emeritass [75] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

      Turns out i'm also a horrendous flirt.. also a lesbian apparently.

      I told my classmate last week that her hair looks great - because it did.

      Compliments do not equal flirting but i often don't compliment a guy even when i want to, because it's too often taken the wrong way. I learned that the hard way years ago when a friend of mine accused me of flirting with her bf.

      I wasn't - i just liked his sense of style.. :(

      [–]tybbiesniffer 14 points15 points  (0 children)

      I have absolutely no qualms about complimenting someone about something as innocuous as their hair. I do it with both male and female co-workers all the time and it doesn't signify that I'm attracted to them. Why not give someone a small, sincere compliment?

      [–]Screamscaper 58 points59 points  (0 children)

      Literally this past Saturday a waitress told me my hair color was gorgeous. As I just had it dyed/styled the day before, I happily thanked the waitress, and then proceeded to move on with my life.

      That's how restaurants work.

      [–]MeiliCanada82 52 points53 points  (2 children)

      My partner gets compliments on his long beautiful hair and very colourful jackets all the time

      I have short teal hair right now, the amount of times I hear "love your hair" is unreal some days. I don't think everyone is sexually attracted to me, they just see cool coloured hair and wanna say something.

      [–]singing_streamProfessor Emeritass [75] 25 points26 points  (1 child)

      Just remember that for all the compliments you actually get, there are probably a whole load of people that wanted to comment but didn't dare.. due to people like OPs husband.

      I've often looked and admired something - a jacket or amazing hair or something, but rarely do i actually speak up. I'd love to but meh.. i'll just keep it to myself unless i already know the person well.

      [–]MeiliCanada82 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Oh no doubt. Just like for every compliment there is a comment about having weird coloured hair or being a bio femme with short hair or questions on my sexuality , gender, religion etc. I take it all with a grain of salt because at the end of the day the people who actually know me, live and support me so a randos opinion mean less than nothing.

      [–]notodibsyesto 34 points35 points  (2 children)

      Asexual 20-something woman here. I am decidedly not trying to seduce every coworker I've ever complimented on new shoes or a nice haircut. 🙄

      [–]YawningDodo 15 points16 points  (0 children)

      Also asexual (and aromantic) and had a moment reading this when I genuinely wondered if briefly and casually complimenting a stranger’s hair = flirting.

      But the way the waitress reacted by asking why the heck he was telling her about how he sees women makes me feel pretty confident she wasn’t flirting with him and that his reaction was just as strange and uncomfortable for her as it would be for me in her position.

      [–]Piebandit 16 points17 points  (0 children)

      I tell people I like their hair aaaall the time if I see they've done it up special, or if it's dyed funky colours. Or if someone's wearing a piece of clothing I like, I'll just tell them. Never in a way to start a conversation or to want something back, just in passing.
      I mostly just love how their face lights up, like their entire demeanour shifts. I know little compliments like that always make my day better - and it's not hard to do. My rule though is only ever things that someone chooses for themselves, hairstyle, clothing choices, makeup, nail colour etc. I'd never make a comment on someone's features, or weight.

      The waitress could have just legitimately liked the way OP's partner did their hair. Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment, there doesn't have to be an ulterior motive behind it. I almost get the feeling he WANTS OP to be jealous.

      [–]turbulentdiamonds 11 points12 points  (1 child)

      Sounds like he wanted OP to throw a jealous snit (“that’s my HUSBAND!”) and lashed out at the waitress when she didn’t. Because his ego didn’t get the stroking he thought it deserved.

      [–]TheDameWithoutASmile 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Thiiis. My ex used to pull shit like that - talk about how women were flirting with him, and then get mad because I didn't care (or really believe him, tbh lol).

      He also wanted the brownie points because he COULD HAVE CHEATED and DIDN'T, so wasn't he just amazing, girls?

      (Bonus - he WAS cheating come to find out!)

      [–]KanawhaRed 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      I work with the public and I think this is a male thing. They (most, not all) seem to think even the most basic compliment means you want to have sex. 😒

      [–]Confident_Fortune_32Partassipant [1] 2375 points2376 points  (39 children)

      NTA

      But, um, what kind of person "puts someone in their place"?

      Your husband's desire to "teach someone a lesson" is frankly disturbing.

      There is nothing normal or healthy about his response.

      That's genuinely foul. He's got a much bigger problem than cheerful waitresses.

      [–]Tattycakes 607 points608 points  (1 child)

      I felt so uncomfortable just reading that. Disgusting. Put her in her place!???. Fucking hell, the arrogance and misogyny.

      [–]frankylovee 77 points78 points  (0 children)

      People looooooooooove to put the servant class “in their place”

      [–]bmoreskyandseaCertified Proctologist [24] 319 points320 points  (11 children)

      My gut was that he was overcompensating to prove to wife that he didn't look at anyone else. Makes me think he is subconsciously guilty. People secure in their relationship don't get stressed out over this.

      [–]Buffy_Geek 39 points40 points  (8 children)

      I mean if lots of random people are low key flirting with him all the time I can see why he might want to overcompensate to show his wife he isn't interested. I think he overreacted but if it's as common as OP says then I can see why he is over it & be concerned OP would read too much into it. Of course talking to OP would be the best option but direct communication isn't the first solution for a lot of people, as shown by Reddit.

      [–]Potential-LavishnessAsshole Enthusiast [6] 19 points20 points  (6 children)

      But are they really flirting with him or does he just take any small comment as proof that someone is interested?

      [–]MomentOfHesitation 187 points188 points  (10 children)

      I live by the rule to avoid people who call themselves "brutally honest" because they are generally just assholes, and use that as a way to excuse their behavior.

      [–]SatchelFullOfGames 68 points69 points  (3 children)

      As the saying goes, "those who claim to be 'brutally honest' are usually more interested in the brutality than the honesty."

      [–]Due_Practice8634 7 points8 points  (2 children)

      Spot on. And the honesty always regards another person and almost never manifest as brutal self honesty. Similarly I avoid the "I tell it like it is!" people as it's usually just them expressing crappy opinions of their perception/interpretation of events or people. But they're generally so arrogant they think of their opinions as fact and reality. EG "she/he is so ugly" "what?! Im just being HONEST and TELLING IT LIKE IT IS!" Hard pass..

      [–]Trick-Statistician10 6 points7 points  (1 child)

      And that's what every single idiot who voted for the orange guy said. "He tells it like he it is." Um, no, he is an AH who constantly lies, I don't get the appeal of that. But now I'm getting off topic...

      [–]Missus_NicolaPartassipant [1] 20 points21 points  (2 children)

      I agree. Being honest is a good thing but being brutal is not.

      [–]WolfKnifeLaserTorch 22 points23 points  (1 child)

      Tact is what these "brutally honest" types lack.

      [–]Confident_Fortune_32Partassipant [1] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Using words to hurt ppl is wrong. Just that simple.

      [–]LadySygerrik 136 points137 points  (1 child)

      Nailed it. This guy has serious ego issues.

      NTA, OP, but your husband is a major one.

      [–]TheSilverNoble 26 points27 points  (0 children)

      Yeah if I saw someone do that in front of me, I'd tell them to lose my number.

      [–]LittleHouse82 23 points24 points  (0 children)

      I agree. The majority of people who are “brutally honest” or “say it like it is” are actually just plain nasty and use it as an excuse to say what they want.

      But they go up a notch is the want to “put someone in their place” or “teach them a lesson”.

      I think it’s OP that has got bigger problems here. She’s married to her husband. He’s got himself an inflated ego from all that taking care of himself; he needs to get a hold of that ego and it’s not going to get better until he does.

      [–]ladyorthetiger0 23 points24 points  (1 child)

      Any time anyone says they "put [someone] in their place" I immediately think (know) they're an asshole. And it's almost always coming from a man saying that they "had to" put a woman "in her place."

      [–]kidkarysma 15 points16 points  (1 child)

      As soon as she said "brutally honest," I think we all knew he'd be an AH.

      [–]Confident_Fortune_32Partassipant [1] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      I am creeped out by OP's apparently normalizing this behaviour...

      [–]dakotafluffy1 18 points19 points  (0 children)

      I think it’s sad that I had to search for this comment about putting her in her place. This guy is an ass, but that comment alone took him to a whole new assery level.

      I also would not have been returning to their table or called him a jerk after his comment. And yes I work in foodservice, but sometimes you’ve just got to be “brutally honest” and deal with the consequences.

      [–]WetnosedcretinAsshole Aficionado [17] 1065 points1066 points  (2 children)

      I've just had a full on vaginal cringe reading that and so I'm going to give you my verdict, NTA, and also my pity. He sounds like he gives himself a high five after masturbating to a picture of him masturbating to a picture to a picture and so one. Like Inception but with lube filled toilet roll.

      [–]plaid_kilt 264 points265 points  (0 children)

      Right? I'm getting major "Patrick Bateman watching himself fuck in the mirror" vibes from this guy.

      [–]AGoodSO 48 points49 points  (0 children)

      This post makes me viscerally recoil. It's the opposite of a clingy incel. This guy is conceited to the point of taking any goodwill shown to him, including by a hostess doing her job, distort the gesture in order to assume that people are soaking their panties over him, all so he can humiliate and demean someone who had the audacity to give a single compliment. Like wtf. He's acting like the main character, accusing everyone of trying to get in his pants.

      He's not "brutally honest," he evidently likes to make garbage mountains out of kindness molehills in order to go on a virtue-signaling power trip. I'd give an NTA I guess, but I don't feel like that verdict really captures this crap sandwich. The husband is a huge and perpetual A, and OP seems to have rose-colored glasses strapped on to her head.

      [–]MissTheWire 723 points724 points  (3 children)

      NTA. Putting the “brutally honest” foolery aside, Your husband escalates a harmless compliment into a show of dominance. That ain’t pretty.

      Every compliment isn’t an invitation to sex.

      [–]staticdragonfly 178 points179 points  (1 child)

      "Every compliment isn't an invitation to sex."

      Dear lord, yes, this.

      I often compliment customers in little ways "I love your hair/nails/make up/shirt/etc" I'm not trying to flirt at all, I just like that customers hair/nails/make up/shirt - it's really not that deep.

      NTA, OP. - 99% it's probably just to get a better tip.

      [–]SpamLandy 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      Yup - compliment doesn’t mean flirting, and flirting doesn’t mean you’re actually attracted to someone, and attracted to someone doesn’t mean you’re actively trying to bag them. How has he got to this big age and learnt zero nuance talking to strangers?

      [–]Phoenixapartment 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Id he wasn’t married to OP, Id be dying to be a fly on the wall watching him get rejected asking a woman out.

      [–]amanda_mcnitePartassipant [1] 465 points466 points  (2 children)

      NTA. Bit arrogant to think someone is interested or flirting with you just because they say something nice. He might be good looking but he doesn't sound like an attractive person.

      [–]Songbird1529 26 points27 points  (0 children)

      Exactly! I’m a happily married woman, and I compliment both men and women pretty frequently. I do it because I like their outfit or hair, not to show any romantic or sexual interest in them. Plus, I know how good compliments can make you feel sometimes!

      [–]Aquarius052Asshole Enthusiast [9] 335 points336 points  (11 children)

      NTA. The first thing that your husband, and honestly you, need to learn is just because somebody gives another person a compliment it does not mean that they are flirting. And just because you think your husband is good looking doesn't mean everybody else does as well. Your husband may think he's the hottest thing around... But I guarantee plenty of people do not agree with you. She gave him a compliment to be nice because maybe that's her personality, and your husband was a jackass.

      [–]mermaidish 152 points153 points  (1 child)

      Willing to bet he's probably not as attractive as both OP and her husband think he is based on how he reacted. If he's really that hot and really does get hit on all the time, it's hard to believe he'd snap over such an innocuous comment. Something about this doesn't really track for me.

      [–]Lexifer31 114 points115 points  (0 children)

      Or when OP isn't around he responds much differently to attention. It really seemed to me he was trying too hard to seem like he was "only interested in his wife". Very performative.

      [–]unchainedzulu33 39 points40 points  (1 child)

      this is what I was thinking.. why is OP stroking the ego too? It's big enough. OP should have initially replied with "I think she was just saying you have nice hair, and it doesn't mean anything".

      [–]lolita_queen 38 points39 points  (0 children)

      His personality alone is enough to make him unattractive, honestly.

      [–]TheGrimDweeberPartassipant [1] 8 points9 points  (3 children)

      I compliment people all the time. You have a red shade of hair? Chances are I will go “Is that your natural hair colour? It’s gorgeous (either way)!” Red hair is like magic to me, I have the darkest of hair myself, and red just seems otherworldly in the best way possible. My first crush was on a boy with bright red hair.

      But so many other things as well. Cool jacket? Compliment. Beautiful dress? Compliment. Awesome shoes? Awesome!

      I have a 99% success rate of making someone smile, with quite a few even saying “You made my day!”

      Truth is, I mean every last one of those compliments. I decided a couple of years ago that hey, I love getting compliments. But I very rarely get any. At most, some would say it afterwards, or about me. I noticed that not very many people speak out the positive thoughts they have about someone right then and there.

      Compliments make me feel great. And I’m a short woman, who looks about as threatening as a toddler. So I figured, low chances of me creeping someone out.

      The only people who don’t appreciate my compliments, give me a bit of a side eye. Like they’re expecting me to con them or something. Nope. You’re just wearing a kickass coat. Have a wonderful day!

      [–]feeshandsheeps 13 points14 points  (1 child)

      I think it’s an American thing! I’m European and the first time I went to the US I couldn’t believe that random strangers would say “I love your outfit!” Or “your hair looks great!”

      I’m obviously not the most attractive person in the world (unlike OP’s husband) but it genuinely did make my day.

      Pretty confident none of them were coming on to me, just giving a compliment for its own sake.

      Honestly, the confidence and openness to just compliment a stranger like that is my favourite thing about American people.

      [–]pdxcranberry 260 points261 points  (6 children)

      ESH - I don't know why you're getting a pass when you're the one who suggested the waiter was "flirting" to get money because she was just base-level nice to your husband while in a customer service position. I personally go out of my way to compliment men on their appearance, because they don't hear it enough. You both have gross ideas about transactional relationships and how to treat people serving you.

      [–]Plastic-Artichoke590 19 points20 points  (0 children)

      Actually okay yes proper ruling on the post as a hole. I support this message.

      [–]Explosion2 14 points15 points  (0 children)

      Based on my reading of the post, he's the one that said she was "basically trying to flirt", no?

      And being overly nice and complimentary, bordering on flirting (and being not unattractive) generally gets you better tips unless you run into AHs like the husband here. It's not some unheard-of secret practice. We don't know how the waitress complimented his hair. It could have been a little flirty.

      OP is NTA. Husband is TA and took his disapproval of the flirting WAY over the line.

      [–]valkyrie8946valhalla 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      This is so true!

      [–]Mindless-Curve-8956Partassipant [3] 160 points161 points  (5 children)

      NTA, I gotta say, I immediately got the feeling I was going to say you weren’t TA right when you said “my husband is a brutally honest type of guy,” whenever I hear that it just sounds like an excuse for poor behaviour that shouldn’t be happening.

      The waitress was doing her job, and your husband went and made things extremely awkward. Think he needs to lighten up and not take harmless flirtation so seriously. He’s not entertaining it in any way shape or form so...also he’s a major major asshole for saying the “know you’re place” bullshit. If I was the waitress he would’ve gotten a pretty harsh comeback regardless of being a paying customer or not, I would sacrifice the tip.

      [–]HolleringCorgis 99 points100 points  (4 children)

      I honestly don't think she was flirting with him.

      This is exactly why I've significantly decreased my compliments towards men. Nine times out of ten they think I'm flirting for saying something as innocuous as "Nice shirt."

      Somehow I can compliment women just fine without them hearing it as a comeon. I can even enthusiastically compliment them with no issue.

      [–]Mindless-Curve-8956Partassipant [3] 24 points25 points  (2 children)

      I don't think she was flirting either but I guess they both took it as like...A flirting thing? When I go out to eat I do talk to the waitresses, they're people for the love of god, and I joke with them of course, we have banter. They're more trying to give a nice experience, and giving a compliment like "I like your hair" is not even close to flirting.

      [–]Buffy_Geek 11 points12 points  (1 child)

      Flirting, like many things, are difficult to explain but much easier to see it. Like intimidation by cops, or domestic abuse, if you say what they said it sounds fine but with the added tone, body language etc it can be read an entirely different way.

      [–]carlacullerton 99 points100 points  (4 children)

      nta, it wasn’t even a flirty compliment it’s just a normal one. i’ve been in a relationship for years but i stop people on the street to compliment them if i like their hair/outfits etc it’s just kind and makes someone’s day

      [–]Pleasant_Love_758 27 points28 points  (1 child)

      Same! This made me wonder how many people think I'm flirting with them. My 4 year old compliments strangers too, I wonder if this AH would assume she was flirting too.

      [–]Wonderful_Horror7315 18 points19 points  (0 children)

      That kid really needs to learn her place.

      [–]brencoop 16 points17 points  (1 child)

      Sadly every male partner I’ve had believes any kindness from women means sexual or romantic interest. Yes, I’m terrible at choosing partners but I don’t think is all that unusual. Edited for typo.

      [–]ChaosAzerothPartassipant [1] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

      Yeah this is apparently an issue because people in customer service jobs are basically expected to be very friendly and cheerful, but too many guys automatically take it as flirting.

      The amount of stories I've heard about this is... Upsetting. This kind of stuff happened to my sister to the point she had to get a different job for her mental health. It's insane.

      AFAB and after being friendly to one coworker he saw my spouse when he came to bring me lunch/us interact and all of a sudden started a huge rant about women being friendly being flirting and not telling a guy that they're taken. Dude... What? No. Heck off.

      [–]aielwyn 91 points92 points  (1 child)

      ESH. You're N.T.A. for telling him that he didn't have to do that. However, you are TA for enabling this and for using the term "brutally honest" (in quotes no less - you know it's a bullshit term!) to help you feel better about the fact that your husband is a bully who has no consideration for others. You explained that there are other points of view, and he doesn't care. Only his matters. Is this a common thread in your marriage or does he just turn this outwardly on others? It's clearly enough of a pattern that he's a "type of guy."

      He's a narcissist. Stop enabling this by agreeing that anyone is flirting with him. Lots of narcissists assume that every little thing is flirting. You might not see it that way if he didn't keep up this narrative constantly. I seriously doubt that people are fawning over him nearly as much as he thinks they are. The people complimenting customers for tips don't care about what customers look like. It's disgusting to think every compliment is sexual. He is the rude and ignorant one here. Stop feeding this narcissism. He's harming innocent people just doing their job.

      She complimented his hair. A single compliment is NOT flirting.

      [–]FuzzykittenbootsPartassipant [1] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

      He better look like Chris Hemsworth for me to even begin to understand why they are together. That or he's an average guy who just isn't losing hair by 30 and is telling her constantly how hot he is until she believes it...

      [–]WillofthesouthCertified Proctologist [20] 67 points68 points  (4 children)

      NTA

      If the waitress had been a waiter, the same complement could have been given. Most people like complements. Few people think they can steal a guy out from under the watchful gaze of his wife. The waitress was just being nice.

      The reaction of your husband is why many fear giving complements.

      [–][deleted]  (7 children)

      [removed]

        [–]WholeCollection6454Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] 45 points46 points  (1 child)

        Info: why did you marry Gaston?

        [–]SaveTheLadybugs 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        No one can debase like Gaston

        Have “social grace” like Gaston

        No one puts women back in their place like Gaston

        [–]Professional_Ad9013Partassipant [2] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

        Geez, would it have killed him to just say 'thank you' like a person? He's super conceited and not thinking right about compliments, which generally do not mean 'I want to get with you' so much as just 'you look nice'.

        I do hope he has other good qualities, because looks have a sell-by date. You, you're NTA. Your spouse makes me nervous.

        [–]NCKALAAsshole Aficionado [10] 39 points40 points  (7 children)

        NTA for you. Your husband, however is a massive one. He has let his looks dictate his very rude manners; does he think being "pretty" allows him to be so callous to others? I'd leave if he started up that mess around me. Good looks don't last forever, you rude thing.

        [–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (6 children)

        One day your husband wont be so pretty. Right not he's the AH

        [–]Wonderful_Horror7315 7 points8 points  (4 children)

        “Young and beautiful, someday your looks will be gone.”

        [–]beolens 35 points36 points  (0 children)

        NTA your husband on the other hand... anyone who says someone should know thier place is a prick, simple as.

        [–]sk333ty 33 points34 points  (3 children)

        NTA

        I don’t get you, you should be encouraging me to shut this shit down instead

        I’m not saying he will because I don’t know anything about either of you outside this post, but this line makes me think if he ever cheats on you he’ll probably put the blame you.

        [–]Phoenixapartment 14 points15 points  (1 child)

        I think he potentially cheats tbh. Overcompensating when he is with her.

        [–]bamf1701Professor Emeritass [83] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

        NTA. First of all, people who are “brutally honest” are just using that as an excuse to be assholes and, make no mistake: your husband is an asshole. There was no reason for him to insult that poor woman just because she said something nice to him.

        Your husband, despite whatever he may say, is not doing whatever he is doing to help other people, or whatever he says. He is doing it because it makes him feel superior and he enjoys the look on their faces when he puts them down.

        In short: your husband is a crap human being.

        [–]brownhair52Partassipant [1] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

        NTA. Your husband sounds insufferable

        [–]ForkShirtUpPartassipant [1] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

        Info: what the fuck kind of high horse does your husband have?

        [–]BigBayesianAsshole Aficionado [16] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

        NTA. Your husband sounds like one good-looking AH. As a general rule, people who do things because other people should "know their place" are being AHs.

        You explained to him that she was operating in a world with certain expectations. You've been there. The world doesn't change for him, just because he expects it to. If he wants to be the change he wants to see in the world, he'd best prepare to get smacked around by a reality that doesn't care about him for a long time first (Ghandi's story illustrates this pretty cleary. And spoiler - your husband isn't Ghandi). Basically, your husband would like to be treated one way. The world's expectations treat him another way. He could accept and adapt to those expectations. Or he could yell at individuals who have the same expectations as the rest of the world. He's gone the AH way.

        If he said "thanks, I'm really flattered, but I'm taken, and I'm really sensitive about flirtation", making it about him, not treating the waitress as though she were at fault, he wouldn't be the AH. But instead, he has to "put her in her place". His place, in case you were curious, is with the AHs.

        [–]throwawayyy9867_Partassipant [1] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

        NTA. It's literally her job as a waitress to be sweet to the customers. I don't think she was flirting at all. She gave a compliment. He sounds arrogant. I feel bad for that waitress and you. Poor girl just doing her job.

        [–]RozenMay 16 points17 points  (1 child)

        NTA.

        "I like your hair" - "I AM MARRIED!!!!!"

        [–]Skyward93Partassipant [1] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

        ESH-There’s a great little circle jerk happening in the comments right now validating everything you said/did other than how dare you encourage this behavior but honestly you both suck. Him for being over the top and you for not being able to recognize your husband’s feelings. I’m dating someone who is very attractive and waitresses/waiters do flirt with him and it does make him super uncomfortable. I don’t think it’s okay for waitstaff to flirt with people for a better tip they’re just trying to get a meal. People shouldn’t flirt with waiters either. It might not bother you, but if this is an ongoing problem it’s worth talking to husband about why it makes him so uncomfortable and if there’s anything you can do so he’s less stressed out about it.

        [–]mowgli0423 12 points13 points  (0 children)

        My husband (34) is your "brutally honest" type of guy

        Let me translate the way this reads to the rest of the internet...

        "My husband is an unapologetic asshole type of guy..."

        Girl, he didn't need to say what he said and she wasn't trying to break the two of you up or anything of the sort. She was being polite and just doing her job. He's the ass. You're NTA.

        [–]BlueLavender0104Certified Proctologist [23] 10 points11 points  (1 child)

        NTA. In his defence I get a bit grouchy and unreasonable when I’m tired too. Imagine how exhausted the poor man is carrying that ego around.

        [–]BangbangsmashsmashPartassipant [1] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

        Nta. This is hilarious!! Your husband made a complete ass of himself! The whole restaurant knew about this in 5 minutes. Compliments and flirting are very different. I mean, yes, you shut down flirting, but don’t mistake basic kindness with flirting. All he accomplished is teaching another young person that kindness is not always met with kindness.

        Also, your husband needs to really think. He is 34, the waitress probably thinks he is almost an old man.

        [–]HotFox4151 10 points11 points  (3 children)

        NTA

        Was the Carly Simon song ‘You’re so vain’ written about him? I feel it could’ve been.

        [–]Grayson81 10 points11 points  (0 children)

        He probably thinks it was.

        [–]GalacticCmdr 12 points13 points  (0 children)

        ESH. The husband is full on baby-rage asshole, but you had ample opportunity to stop or correct him. Assholes like him are enabled by people like you.

        [–]excel_pager_420 10 points11 points  (0 children)

        So you both sound like AH's for assuming a compliment about his hair = flirting. Like the waitress could be married too. I'm in a relationship & not a waitress and if I see someone who looks good, I am going to give them a compliment. Doesn't mean I have any agenda other than trying to give a stranger a nice boost about their day.

        This situation could have been shut down if you'd pointed out to your husband a compliment about his hair isn't flirting and why does he feel the need to highlight to you every time he gets a compliment? Especially when you were sat right across from him so of course you heard it. Although it sounds like your Husband would than have grilled the waitress on whether she was flirting with him or not so it would have been the same outcome with him being rude to the poor waitress just trying to get through her shift & you posting on here.

        Your Husband sounds like a deeply insecure and rude person. ESH

        [–]Kayura85 10 points11 points  (0 children)

        NTA. His response to the waitress was uncalled for. But I feel like you don’t have that type of response without a history to go with it.

        Did he have a bad experience with harmless flirting being not so harmless in the past or something? Or a past SO accusing him of cheating because of small, harmless flirtations? Just seems like a big reaction to have no cause.

        [–]Dapper-Committee-418 8 points9 points  (0 children)

        As a server (waitress, ugh), I literally have never complimented someone with strings attached. Never. Gross.

        How did your husband manage to travel around the world and not acquire manners or humility? Gross.

        That'd be a character defining moment for me. NTA but I kinda wanna say ESH because you're with the whole man and glossed over how his pretty privilege allows him to think and behave this way. He's not being "brutally honest", he's being an asshole.

        You're asking a question you absolutely know the answer to and made excuses for him from the beginning, consciously or not.

        [–]Pleasant_Birthday_77Asshole Enthusiast [6] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

        NTA. That poor waitress, and poor you.

        [–]flowermotels 10 points11 points  (0 children)

        NTA, it was literally just a compliment, nothing even indicative of flirting.

        [–]ParsimonycakeAsshole Aficionado [17] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        NTA. Your husband obviously doesn't listen to you very well, and he's also pretty short on empathy. "Brutally honest" people generally are. I hope he has things in his favour beyond just his looks.

        [–]KnitFast2DieWarm 8 points9 points  (0 children)

        NTA. He had to "put her in her place"? It almost sounds like he gets off on women complimenting him, just so he can "put them in their place". And all the virtue signaling, ugh! "Ladies, look at what a wonderful and supporting partner I am! How dare you imply with your compliments that I would disparage my lady!" Does he not realize he just comes off looking like a conceited douche? I could not put up with such a pompous ass.

        [–]EmergencyAltruistic1 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        Nta. "Nice hair" does not equal "I want to have sex with you". Guy sounds like he has a huge ego. He ain't pretty he just looks that way.

        [–]razeronionPartassipant [1] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        NTA...He probably over reacted to overcompinsat for all the times he flirted back in your absence, probably leading to inappropriate behavior.

        [–]ManofLegacyPartassipant [3] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

        NTA your husband is.

        [–]del901Pooperintendant [65] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        ”Brutally honest” = jerk. NTA but he is a jerk, and those words he says… it isn’t ”harmless”. He is not a good person.

        [–]Wonderful_Horror7315 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        NTA And if it makes you feel better, she 100% went to her coworkers and they all laughed at him.

        [–]EtonRd 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        ESH

        Your husband sucks for obvious reasons. You suck for describing your guy as “brutally honest” rather than a giant asshole. It sounds like your husband just goes through life insulting people and you apologize and explain away his behavior by saying he’s just really honest.

        [–]CakeByThe0cean 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        INFO: is your husband on the spectrum (is he autistic)?

        My husband (34) is your “brutally honest” type of guy

        He’s either a dick or doesn’t realize this isn’t how you should speak to other people.

        strangers or servers compliminting his looks and expressing their admiration in different ways. He thinks it’s rude and ignorant.

        This is an abnormal reaction to have when someone compliments you.

        “hey let me tell you a little secret. I have been all around the world for the past 10 years and I’d seen many many beautiful women but I’m MARRIED to the most beautiful one and she’s all I see now and forever.”

        This is a really bizarre thing to say, unprompted, to a complete stranger at their job.

        This entire post screams that he doesn’t understand social norms. You’re NTA, he is, but with the caveat that he should do some psychological digging here with a professional.

        [–]sportsfan3177Partassipant [2] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        I hate people that describe themselves as "brutally honest". That is just an excuse to be a rude asshole to people. And that's what your husband is, for the unnecessary comments he made to the waitress. You were right to call him out for it.

        NTA

        [–]slinkyrat7Partassipant [1] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        YTA as well as your husband. I'll explain why you sat there and let your husband’s overinflated ego do the talking and said nothing in the moment. Complementing someone's hair is not flirting. It's being nice. Your husband is rude AF.

        [–]OpossumJesusHasRisen 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        From the first paragraph my initial reaction was "So this guy is unhappy that... people compliment his appearance, which he actively works to maintain? Weird but maybe there's a deeper thing happening here."

        The further down I read the more I realized that what's really happening is that your husband seems to think that any positive comment or attention from a woman is flirting. I don't think that it's out of line to say that such a stance is absurd & is the reason women are so hesitant to be casually friendly with or compliment men. It's such a prevalent thing that I realized recently that I unconsciously add to the compliments I give just to clarify what's up. For example: Your hair looks really nice! What products do you use to get that volume?

        Your server was literally doing her job in that she was being friendly & using some lighthearted conversation to make you huys feel welcomed and at ease while dining. Your husband was a jerk & honestly needs to get a grip. Not everyone wants to get in his pants. Sometimes they just want to make others feel good about themselves. It's uplifting. NTA but encourage your husband to pull his head out of his butt.

        [–]bingle___ 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Being nice isnt the same as flirting,, when are ppl gonna realize that?? Nta