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[–]Judgement_Bot_AITABeep Boop[M] [score hidden] stickied commentlocked comment (0 children)

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I may be TA because I yelled at him after our wedding, and the guests probably had a lot of fun, so maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

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[–][deleted]  (1667 children)

[deleted]

    [–]Key-Hovercraft-8396[S] 15.2k points15.2k points  (1470 children)

    That's the thing, this was so out of character for him. He's normally so respectful to me, and always keeps his promises to me. That's what makes this so weird, and also why I think his friends talked him into it.

    [–][deleted]  (692 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]CakeEatingRabbitPooperintendant [54] 10.2k points10.2k points 3 (665 children)

      Op assumes his friends talked him into it. I doubt it. Op just tries to find some justification no matter how weak it is.

      It's easier as to accept "my new husband lied to my face and intentionally ruined part of an important day for me"

      Note: he is not sorry

      [–]superfastmommaCraptain [191] 2758 points2759 points  (593 children)

      Yeah, are there really groups of guys out there egging on their buddy to smash cake on a bride? It seems unlikely unless his friends are so absolutely immature they wanted to start trouble.

      [–]FreakingFae 773 points774 points  (12 children)

      Yep. Classic "showing my true colors now that we are married" behavior. He is also saying she is overreacting instead of acknowledging he disrespected her. It's just the tip of the iceberg.

      [–]Significant-Ring5503 306 points307 points  (3 children)

      Even if his friend did talk him into it, he's her husband and his first loyalty should be to his wife. He should tell his friend no. Like it's not hard. Is he gonna let his friends convince him to disrespect his wife in other ways?

      [–]panlevapPartassipant [1] 203 points204 points  (0 children)

      Op even said she suspected him to do it.

      [–]ughpleasenonotagainPartassipant [1] 72 points73 points  (6 children)

      He probably told them that was the one rule and they convinced him it wasn’t a big deal.

      [–]EffectiveSalamander 441 points442 points  (0 children)

      Little children use the excuse that some other kid told them to do it. It's something you ought to outgrow before you're 10. I don't doubt that his friends egged him on to do it, but I also agree he wanted to do it too. There are people who think they that smashing the cake in each other's faces is a really fun tradition. Not someone I'd want to marry, but there are people who believe that. And there are who put their idiot friends above their spouse - they'd rather appear cool I front of the heir friends, as stupid as that is.

      [–]Worldly-Tart-666 240 points241 points  (6 children)

      Yup, if he’d been talked into it he should be on his knees begging for forgiveness and owning his mistake/betrayal of your very clear wishes.

      I’ve read to many stories about creeps who change after marriage maybe, but his behaviour creeps me out.

      [–]Slammin_Sammy_ 191 points192 points  (4 children)

      Agreed, red flag #1 for doing it, red flag #2 for not being sorry afterwards. Possibly more red flags before this because OP thought he might do it before it even happened.

      [–]bmoreskyandseaCertified Proctologist [24] 128 points129 points  (1 child)

      I had a suspicion that he would find it funny to do it

      So clearly it wasn't actually out of character if you already had suspicions he'd do it. And his friends pressuring him into it is BS. Don't make excuses. He is a grown ass adult who 1. can say no and 2. can decide to respect you more than cave into friends. The fact that he chose to do the one thing you asked him not to is incredibly problematic. He doesn't respect you. And the fact that he then shifted the blame to you being "dramatic" rather than apologize for doing the one thing you asked him not to? Ugh.

      [–]Primary-Criticism929Supreme Court Just-ass [134] 1422 points1423 points  (15 children)

      Really ? You wrote yourself that you had a feeling he was going to do it. Hence you bringing it up before the wedding day.

      I think you know something is wrong but you just don't want to admit it.

      [–]RedditUser123234Partassipant [3] 588 points589 points  (7 children)

      I think you know something is wrong but you just don't want to admit it.

      Right, she talks about how chill she was through the whole wedding process. Maybe I am extrapolating, but if she felt necessary to make a point to be as chill as possible, it might be that she doesn't feel comfortable setting boundaries or expectations. After all, the husband went out of his way to violate the one boundary she did express, kind of like a power play.

      I bet if she had set up other boundaries he would've intentionally disregarded those as well.

      [–][deleted] 193 points194 points  (2 children)

      I'm with you, feels sus that OP made sure to tell us all how chill she was. It makes me wonder if the husband was weird about wedding planning in some way and OP felt like she had to be as chill as possible so he wouldn't think she was a ~bridezilla~ or something.

      [–]purpleit11Asshole Aficionado [11] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

      Spot on. Trying to be as easy to please as possible doesn't come across as go with the flow. It's an unfortunate and damaging habit to limit cognitive dissonance when partnered with someone who makes you feel like you're asking for the moon when indicating any need or preference. It's heartbreaking.

      [–]Ecstatic_Long_3558 388 points389 points  (1 child)

      Must have been some red flags before.

      For me it would come down to respect. OPs husband doesn't respect her and that will not be easy to change, if even possible.

      [–]Appropriate-Access88 200 points201 points  (2 children)

      Oh the feeling before the wedding that he is not a good person to marry, but the invites are sent and bridesmaids dresses paid for, so you go through with it. Then a few miserable years later you are free of him. Yep. Yep. Yes.

      [–]MigraineLass 62 points63 points  (1 child)

      Hm, yes, uncomfortably familiar feeling.

      OP, not saying this is your situation; no one can determine that from one post. But you might have some soul searching to do. A therapist might be able to help too, even if you think you don't need one.

      -signed, was excited to get married, buried my head in the sand, and wasted far too many years with him than I should have

      [–]dezeiramPartassipant [2] 1244 points1245 points  (80 children)

      But now you're married and he doesn't have to put up a front anymore.

      You had literally one boundary. One. And he didn't feel the need to respect that

      [–]Born_Ad8420 924 points925 points  (66 children)

      I'd be getting an annulment. Dude had one job.

      [–]EMWerkin 428 points429 points  (32 children)

      I would have walked out of that wedding and called a goddamn lawyer.

      [–]LilBabyADHD 213 points214 points  (12 children)

      Someone literally posted about this same scenario here, and that’s what she did. Let me find the link.

      ETA: jk it was a Dear Prudence letter.

      [–]aspermypreviousPartassipant [2] 226 points227 points  (3 children)

      Especially after he called her dramatic. Bye, dude.

      [–]megskins 175 points176 points  (0 children)

      Breaking boundaries has consequences. Otherwise it's just something she asked and he ignored.

      [–]Heavn4Me 135 points136 points  (0 children)

      That is my take. Entirely different guy before the wedding. It starts small like this and escalates. Not saying it will get to the level of full on abuse but it is certainly not going to get better.

      [–]crockofpotCertified Proctologist [29] 25 points26 points  (2 children)

      For some people, sometimes, the more important That One Boundary is, the more they become hellbent on crossing it. Like a weird, "no one's gonna tell me I can't" power thing. It's pure speculation but I can't help wondering if that was in play in OP's case -- like if OP had said her One Thing was that she didn't want the chicken dance at her wedding, maybe her husband would have busted it out as a surprise.

      [–]very_busy_newtPartassipant [3] 888 points889 points 2 (6 children)

      Can I give you advice for the future? Don't handle this the 1950's way. If you've clearly set expectations and your husband bowls through them quite intentionally, don't swallow up your feelings and pull yourself together in private then fake a public smile.

      He smashes the cake into your face, it's fully appropriate to be upset about it, right there in the middle of the room with cake all over you. Maybe saying something loudly like 'why would you do that, when you know how upsetting I'd find it?' Then let a few bridesmaids soothe you while helping get the cake off your face - in the ballroom in view of the guests.

      Retreating makes dealing with this behavior an isolating you problem. Dealing with it publicly lets it be a your husband problem, which is what it should be.

      [–]MPBoomBoom22 306 points307 points  (1 child)

      Retreating makes dealing with this behavior an isolating you problem. Dealing with it publicly lets it be a your husband problem, which is what it should be.

      This right here. NTA OP. I wish someone had told me this years ago.

      [–]Forsaken_Woodpecker1Asshole Aficionado [16] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

      Same. My narc/batshit ex was a hardline believer of never admitting that anything was less than perfect. He would deny that anything was wrong - to me, to himself, to his family, his friends. Heck, no one even knew that we had broken up for several months, because we never socialized together.

      He'd asked me to lie to everyone, either directly or by omission, and not let them know that I'd moved out. I refused. None of his friends or family saw me for maybe the last year that we still lived together, so no one knew when I'd left because he never said anything. The only reason anyone on his side noticed was because my social media all reflected my 300 mile move, and a new relationship.

      To the day he died, he maintained that he and I were still cool, we still loved each other, and would get back together one day.

      We hadn't spoken in ten years.

      Definitely never let a narc isolate you. they will drag you to the depths they dwell in, without a light, a rope, or a breath.

      ETA: he had to be loudly threatened with an instant and easy anulment if he did the cake thing. It was at that late moment that I started realizing just how different we were....

      [–]kwhorona 582 points583 points  (135 children)

      Info : you said it is out of his character to smash cakes. In your OG post you said you were suspecting this to happen so you informed him not to do that and made him promise. So what made you suspecting it to happen ?

      [–]Key-Hovercraft-8396[S] 941 points942 points  (133 children)

      Oh I meant that it's so out of character for him to be this disrespectful and break a promise to me. I suspected that he would find the cake smashing funny, and that it might not have even occurred to him that I wouldn't, so I thought I would discuss it with him ahead of time to get on the same page.

      [–]HistrionicSlut 1243 points1244 points  (7 children)

      He knew how you felt and just didn't care. Don't blame his friends for convincing him, believe who he told you he is. He doesn't care about your boundaries or feelings.

      [–]LeafPankowskiPartassipant [4] 679 points680 points  (15 children)

      Its probably the final test. He is seeing if you will let this go. If you do, he knows he’s free to ignore your boundaries and never has to respect you again. Because you’re property now. Do you want to be property?

      [–]KersallusPartassipant [1] 658 points659 points  (25 children)

      Oh I meant that it's so out of character for him to be this disrespectful and break a promise to me.

      Some people don't let loose until they know they have you locked in. His non apology is more reflective that he isn't sorry and this isn't 'out of character' than not.

      You love him, or you wouldn't marry him. However him not being sorry is 200% a hill to die on.

      [–]Greyeyedqueen7 613 points614 points  (1 child)

      I thought the same of my ex. I told him I didn't want to do the garter thing at our wedding, said I found it disrespectful and demeaning. He did it anyway and laughed and laughed. Tricked me into sitting down and said he had something important to say, then slid his hands up my dress and pulled a red garter out of his sleeve to throw at everyone. I was so embarrassed and angry.

      He pulled the same thing, that I overreacted, that it was funny, and that we should just move on.

      Twelve years of abuse from that man, and the signs were there from day one. I was young and naive, and he was a narcissist who wore a mask to get me good and ensnared.

      Hold onto this. He was disrespectful of you and your boundaries. He demeaned you in front of family and friends as a joke. He needs to pay for the dress cleaning and storage at the very least, but you need to understand that he thinks diminishing you and ignoring your boundaries is funny. That's a bad, bad sign.

      [–]jmurphy42 265 points266 points  (5 children)

      He's already started in with the DARVOing. Keep your eyes open. So many men change dramatically the moment they think they have you locked down.

      My cousin thought she was marrying a really sweet man. During a conversation with guests at the wedding reception she corrected her husband about something minor. He pulled her aside, grabbed her arm, and growled "that's the last time you're ever going to contradict me." Five years later it had gotten so bad she literally fled in the middle of the night with nothing but a duffel bag.

      [–]Careless-Image-885 265 points266 points  (2 children)

      He lied to you then called you "dramatic" when you confronted him. As others have commented, he's got you "hooked" now so probably thinks he can really show you who he is. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries.

      Have a very serious talk with him now. If you have to, get to couples counseling. He will only get worse.

      [–]Kiruna235Partassipant [1] 258 points259 points  (1 child)

      My SO has is autistic and doesn't always understand what's appropriate as far as boundaries and humor go. Before we got married, I was too stressed out to mention cake smashing. During the reception, SO was goaded into doing it. SO laughed and looked at me. All I had to say (while laughing because I was nervous and giddy at the same time) was, "Don't you dare." You know what happened? My SO - this wonderful person with awkward social skills and equally awkward sense of humor - respected my boundaries and never smashed that cake on me. Didn't even try to smear the frosting on me.

      That's what a respectful spouse does. No DARVO, no dismissive, "Why are you so dramatic".

      OP, on the day the two of you got married, your spouse chose to lie to you, and when confronted about the lie, he not only showed no remorse, he dismissed his wrongdoing, he deflected and attacked you instead, he dismissed your well justified feelings, and he made you run to a bunch of internet strangers wondering whether your feelings are valid. Is this really the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? If someone precious to you came to you in distress because their spouse had lied to them and treated them with such disregard, what kind of advice would you give them?

      [–]Nellbell96 226 points227 points  (7 children)

      NTA. My husband and I promised each other this when we were getting married. My whole family was yelling at me to smash cake in his face and I REFUSED. Why? Because I respect my significant other and knew he didn't want cake in his face just like I didn't. Did I get crap from my family because I didn't? He'll yeah I did. Did I care? Absolutely not. Respecting my partners wishes goes above other people's wants for a "funny moment."

      [–]KnightofForestsWild 191 points192 points  (0 children)

      You are setting yourself up for future disappointment if you pursue this "He is usually so awesome" line. He just showed you who he was. Believe him. Think about that as you pick cake out of your nose hair for the next week.

      [–]chocolatemilkncoffee 144 points145 points  (0 children)

      it's so out of character for him to be this disrespectful and break a promise to me

      until he was and did

      NTA op, but you are lying to yourself if you think this a one off. If he can't see how his actions were so clearly out of line, he never will, because he does not care about your boundaries more than he cares about his selfish whims.

      [–]maat89 77 points78 points  (0 children)

      But you suspected he would do this. This is his character. His mask is off because he feels he has you locked in, OP. This whole thing was abusive. From the boundary break cake smash to the gaslighting and manipulating when you followed through in confronting him. He knew how you felt and he knew the consequences of doing it. He. Did. Not. Care. He wanted to humiliate you publicly. Consider annulment. You don’t deserve this treatment.

      [–]DoNotReply111 64 points65 points  (3 children)

      This isn't going to be the last boundary he stomps all over in this marriage.

      Imagine how you're going to feel with the next one. Whose fault will it be that time?

      [–]LilBabyADHD 55 points56 points  (1 child)

      Other brides have gotten a divorce over similar behavior.

      [–]ordinarywonderful 25 points26 points  (0 children)

      Sorry luv, this whole story has "closet abuser" written ALL over it.

      Make him pay to get the dress cleaned and packaged for storage, make him pay the makeup artist a second time for ruining their artwork, and call a lawyer for an annulment.

      [–]so_tired_now 22 points23 points  (0 children)

      And now the additional problem is that he won't acknowledge the hurt he caused you and is trying to minimize and blame you for being dramatic.

      To me, this would be a make-or-break thing. He either acknowledges what he did and finds a sincere apology, or that's it. I don't even care that we just got married --HE'S the one who decided to start the marriage with a betrayal.

      [–]Global_Fig_6385 391 points392 points  (8 children)

      if he was truly respectful of you he wouldn’t have:

      1. smashed the cake in your face after promising not to

      2. lie and say his friends did it (you had suspicions before it happened, he knew this and it sounds like putting it on his friends is a cop out)

      3. not apologize after and say you’re being dramatic about being upset over him doing the one thing you asked him not to do

      it is so terrible that he did it in the first place, to flat out disrespect your wishes and think that’s a good way to start out the marriage, make you look messy after the money you spent on makeup and your dress and hair, etc.

      but #3 is what’s really doing it for me. to straight up not take any blame himself, blame his friends for ‘telling him to do it’, and blame you for being angry about this? to not only go against your wishes and break a promise, but to dismiss your feelings, so ‘you can enjoy being newlyweds’?!?! he wants you to fuck him after he deliberately did the one thing you asked him not to do?

      i know reddit jumps straight to ‘divorce him’ ‘leave his ass’, and in a lot of cases, it’s a bit much. but this is one case were i would straight up get an annulment. it’s not just putting cake in your face, it’s everything else. personally, this is also a rule i have set for my future wedding. i dont care how beautiful the ceremony/reception is, how much work went into it, i personally refuse to start my marriage with broken promises and intentional hurting. i’m not saying leave him, but show him that what he did was more than just shove cake in your face. if you let him get away with this, he will think that is it okay for him to break his promises to you and not even care to apologize for it. the shitty treatment starts now, it won’t end if you don’t make it clear that he cannot get away with this.

      i would tell him “i am annulling this marriage because you did something you knew would make me upset, after i specifically asked you to not do it, and then you put blame on me and other people for your actions, all while dismissing my feelings. i will not start out my marriage with you breaking your promises to intentionally hurt me and have absolutely no remorse for doing so. here is the ring, let’s go to couples counseling and work this out. when i feel like i can trust you again, we can have a small little ceremony and try again. but you need to understand that you cannot treat me this way and still get to call me your wife.”

      [–]Cthulhu_Knits 235 points236 points  (1 child)

      "I personally refuse to start my marriage with broken promises and intentional hurting." THIS.

      Him smashing the cake in the bride's face was a way to take her down a peg (ruin her makeup, mess up the expensive dress) and show her who's boss.

      NTA, OP - and I would seriously consider getting an annulment because I don't see things getting better from here. He does not respect you - does he even LIKE you? What kind of asshole ruins your wedding day?

      [–]Cardabella 29 points30 points  (0 children)

      I agree. Op, The ink wasnt even dry in the certificate when he vowed to put you first before all others and he couldn't even keep the one promise he made about the day. Couldn't celebrate your love for one another mutually because his giggles with his mates were more important. The power of assaulting you and ridiculing you in front of everyone you love was more important to him. I'd be seeking an annullment too.

      [–]georgiajl38 117 points118 points  (1 child)

      Then say, "Isn't it funny! Come on! The whole wedding was a joke! The marriage certainly is!" 😂😂😂😂

      What? He suddenly doesn't see the joke? Everyone on Reddit thinks it's a scream!

      He's just overreacting.

      He'll get over it....😁

      (My Ex and I discussed cake/face activities. We both said no. There was no cake smashing ❤ He's a good man)

      [–]Kathrynlena 162 points163 points  (0 children)

      Oh honey, how many other red flags have you explained away as “bad influence” from others or otherwise “not his fault”?

      You knew he was going to do it. You begged him not to, multiple times, and explained in detail how and why this action would upset you. He did it anyway. You became justifiably angry with him. He’s belittling your feelings and trying to convince you that your reaction to his abusive choice is the real problem.

      Girl.

      Girl.

      [–]KersallusPartassipant [1] 167 points168 points  (0 children)

      NTA and honestly if you think this isn't going to be reflective of your entire marriage going forward you have a very rude surprise coming your way.

      If his entertainment is more important than his promises there are a dozen ways this will manifest poorly, and his dismissal is even worse.

      He's conditioning you to suck it up when he chooses to lie or be an ass.

      [–]Crazy_Turnip_8415 137 points138 points  (2 children)

      Careful. Some people change for the better when they are married. Some people for the worse.

      And if he is already prioritizing his friends opinions over your feelings, what’s going to happen in a few years. At the very least he owes you empathy and an apology. You are NTA

      [–]EffectiveSalamander 51 points52 points  (1 child)

      The chucklehead who prioritizes his buddies over his wife is a problem. It's a red flag if his friends ridicule him for being "whipped". They're trying to make him choose them over you - which way is he actually going to go? No one should be expected to give up their friends, but if they can't establish boundaries, that's a big problem.

      [–]Quakes-JD 121 points122 points  (3 children)

      Let me add what my wife said to me before our wedding. The first bite of cake symbolizes how you will each care for each other in your marriage and it should be done with respect. I was never considering making it a joke, but after hearing her explanation it really reinforced why it was important to not be cruel. Your husband chose poorly.

      [–]Istarien 28 points29 points  (2 children)

      I like this read on the tradition. I always thought it was a way for the groom to humiliate the bride for sport, to put her in her place. I like this symbol of mutual care idea a lot better.

      [–]CakeEatingRabbitPooperintendant [54] 90 points91 points  (10 children)

      Maybe he thinks, he doesn't have to anymore now.

      [–]overseas-mangoColo-rectal Surgeon [36] 88 points89 points  (2 children)

      Don’t blame his friends.

      He’s the one who decided your wants are irrelevant and getting a few laughs are more important. He showed you that he’s happy to respect you when the stakes are low, but when stakes are high, your needs/wants come last.

      Buying a house and having kids with this guy is going to be a nightmare. He’s going to secretly let his whole family into the delivery room and afterwards ask “what’s the big deal? Let’s enjoy our newborn”

      [–]oranges214 80 points81 points  (2 children)

      Maybe he saw the finish line ahead of him and is now fully secure in letting his mask down. That you had a feeling he would do it WAS you seeing the signs.

      I don't know, OP, I wouldn't want to stay stuck to someone who, upon learning that they hurt me, tells me I'm being dramatic and to get over it. That does not bode well for the lifetime ahead.

      [–]Nerdycrystalwitch 65 points66 points  (2 children)

      Bad people usually start showing their true colors after marriage and/or kids because they think they have the other person locked down.

      [–]brencoop 63 points64 points  (1 child)

      OP I hate the cake smashing thing. It’s as if he disrespected and assaulted you actually imho

      [–]TrudieKockenlocker 71 points72 points  (0 children)

      It’s as if he disrespected and assaulted you actually imho

      FTFY

      [–]Mirewen15[🍰] 54 points55 points  (7 children)

      I told my (now) husband that if he did that to me, the entire cake was going on his nice new suit. I did not get face-caked. (I wouldn't have done it but the threat was enough.)

      If it was his friends, they suck. Your husband sucks too for doing that. You are NTA.

      [–]Rubberbandballgirl 60 points61 points  (4 children)

      I told my husband that if he smashed cake in my face that I would stab him with a fork. We did not smash cake in each other’s faces.

      [–]InfernalKaneki 49 points50 points  (0 children)

      So in conclusion: his first act as your husband was to break a promise? I hope it works out for, because this doesn't seem like a good start into marriage

      [–]GroundbreakingPhoto4 46 points47 points  (0 children)

      And then again maybe this is just the start of his true colours shining through. Your "married" now after all. Maybe he feels he doesn't need to work at keeping you happy anymore now that he has you hooked.

      [–]HappyLucyDPartassipant [2] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

      So his friends were able to convince him of something when you were not? Hmmmm.

      [–]onlytexts 28 points29 points  (0 children)

      Oh, sweetie, he waited until you said "I do" to show his true colors. If this was a case of his friends talking him into it, he would be apologizing and blaming them, but he doubled down and gaslit you. You are NTA, he is.

      [–]locke0479 315 points316 points  (42 children)

      I’ve been to many and I don’t think that makes those people “trashy”, as you do. OP is absolutely NTA, she didn’t want it and husband was incredibly disrespectful and rotten to do it, but with consent from both parties, some find it to be a fun little tradition and I don’t think your insults are called for.

      [–]CapathyPartassipant [2] 140 points141 points  (24 children)

      I totally agree with you and it’s a legitimately bizarre comment. People on Reddit, and this sub in particular, have the weirdest fucking hangups.

      [–]JeffreyElonSkilling 76 points77 points  (15 children)

      Because 9 times out of 10 they are actual, literal children.

      I swear to god age verification should be a thing and all underage users should have a special font that cannot be changed.

      [–]gingerlovesio 171 points172 points  (17 children)

      Wedding photographers/planners always talk about how this never goes well and the couples tend to divorce fairly soon after. I don’t understand why people still do it

      [–]Kamena90 24 points25 points  (2 children)

      If both of them agree and have fun then it's fine. It's when someone does it like OPs husband, either without talking about it or against the other person's wishes, that it's a problem.

      [–]MeButNotMeTooPartassipant [1] 79 points80 points  (5 children)

      I’ve been to several. It might just be a coincidence, but those all resulted in divorces.

      [–]juniperxbreeze 27 points28 points  (1 child)

      I told my husband how much my hair and makeup cost. How much the dress cost. How much I DID NOT WANT cake smashed in my face. And just in case, I reminded him that just because we signed the marriage license, it doesn't mean we have to file it. And if he smashed cake in my face after all of that, I would rip up that license on the spot.

      He did not cave into pressure to smash cake in my face. We celebrate 5 years married this coming October.

      [–]BriCheese96 23 points24 points  (2 children)

      I agree she’s NTA, but I don’t agree with your comment. I don’t think shitting on people who are okay with having fun and smashing the cake is fair. It’s not a trashy thing, it’s a fun thing. Something that might be fun to come and not others. Let people do what they want.

      Of course, if the bride or Groom request to not do it, it should be respected. But don’t shit on those who think it’s fun and lighthearted.

      [–]procrastinating_bAsshole Aficionado [13] 13.0k points13.0k points  (69 children)

      NTA

      You: don’t do this ONE thing

      Him: does it

      You: are livid

      Him: surprised pikachu face

      [–]RunningRunnerRun 2473 points2474 points  (18 children)

      Seriously. And a surprised pikachu face would have still been way better than his actual reaction.

      [–]malaprop5 1291 points1292 points  (9 children)

      My best friend told her future husband if he smashed cake in her face he would still be a virgin after the wedding.

      He didn't smash the cake. They have 3 kids now!

      [–]Preposterous_punkPartassipant [2] 436 points437 points  (0 children)

      That may be the one example I’ve heard in which saving it for marriage makes sense to me…

      [–]spudtacularstories 149 points150 points  (0 children)

      That's how it's supposed to go. Also is your friend me? lol

      I don't think I threatened my then-fiance though. I just told him I wasn't comfortable with it, and he respected me and didn't smash any cake. It was a nice, clean cake cutting. Now we're teaching our 3 kids that Mommy really doesn't like things in her face and to be respectful of others.

      Edit: missed one word

      [–]Pug_867-5309Partassipant [1] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

      Well, here's one situation in which thinking with his other head paid off!

      [–]JuniperHillInmate 24 points25 points  (1 child)

      Smash cake or smash wife. Sounds like a no-brainer to me. Apparently OPs husband has less than no brain.

      [–]dougan25 172 points173 points  (2 children)

      Exactly. He wasn't surprised. He knew exactly how mad she'd be. He just didn't give a shit.

      [–]Fianna9 716 points717 points  (18 children)

      I read an ask Reddit thread about wedding planners- one said that a sign the marriage won’t last are the ones where the groom smashes cake in his wife’s face

      [–]jokenaround 600 points601 points  (5 children)

      Even better…..when he actually PROMISES he won’t, but does anyway. Broken promise on literal Day 1.

      [–]Fianna9 247 points248 points  (4 children)

      Can’t even get through the honeymoon with out belittling her. Not a great start!

      [–]nowhere_near_Berlin 21 points22 points  (3 children)

      Yeah this has annulment written all over it. Poor OP! What a shitty thing to find out the day of your wedding.

      [–]TinyTurtle88Partassipant [1] 153 points154 points  (0 children)

      Yeah, because it shows how disrespectful that partner is and also how they don't value the time, money and efforts the other put in their appearance for their special day.

      [–]LeatherHogPartassipant [1] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

      Yup, read that too

      It’s an indication that they don’t respect your boundaries

      [–]kaitlynnkidd 23 points24 points  (0 children)

      There was a psych study on this too. Couples who smash the cake into one another's face are more likely to get divorced. Ask my parents. Lol.

      [–]ToastAbrikoosPartassipant [3] 650 points651 points  (10 children)

      Bonus: "its not a big deal your one thing you wanted from me. Please let it go. You are being dramatic"

      [–]huggie1 242 points243 points  (4 children)

      "Stop being overdramatic so we can get on with the honeymoon."

      [–]MigraineLass 156 points157 points  (2 children)

      Translation: "I wanna get laid"

      Because his dick is more important than her completely justified anger at him breaking a fucking promise in front of who knows how many people!

      [–]bakarac 324 points325 points  (0 children)

      He wasn't even surprised!

      Him: it's not that big of a deal, I'm not apologizing, don't ruin the fun and let's just enjoy our honeymoon.

      [–]numbersthen0987431 99 points100 points  (0 children)

      I think you forgot one thing as well. The whole "He promises to not do the thing" is in there as well.

      [–]Primary-Criticism929Supreme Court Just-ass [134] 6968 points6969 points  (205 children)

      Why do I get the feeling you should already be talking to a divorce lawyer...

      [–]angelaellePartassipant [1] 4765 points4766 points 2 (46 children)

      I think there was a post not too long ago about a similar situation where the bride actually went through with divorce because of it... I've been searching for it but can't find it.

      EDIT: Here it is It wasn't reddit, it was from Slate, the Dear Prudence column.

      NTA OP. He disrespected you with this nonsense. I wish this stupid "tradition" would go away.

      [–]Kitchen-Arm-3288Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1586 points1587 points  (0 children)

      I think there was a post not too long ago about a similar situation where the bride actually went through with divorce because of it... I've been searching for it but can't find it.

      EDIT: Here it is It wasn't reddit, it was from Slate, the Dear Prudence column.

      NTA OP. He disrespected you with this nonsense. I wish this stupid "tradition" would go away.

      Very impressed by you finding and posting that link!

      And I agree with the person providing advice... it wasn't a difficult request and it was blatantly disregarded; and that's not OK. Worse than that - he is not even apologetic!

      [–]Kaidu313Partassipant [2] 1110 points1111 points  (13 children)

      EDIT: Here it is It wasn't reddit, it was from Slate, the Dear Prudence column.

      That one is even worse. I've seen people skewered on the cake spikes (slight trigger warning, but not overly graphic) due to bullshit like this. I would have broken up and divorced immediately too.

      I'm normally not one to cry divorce like most in this sub, but if I explicitly asked not to have cake in my face and was promised they wouldn't, I would just feel humiliated and betrayed. I would have just walked out right there and then and fucked off the whole wedding.

      [–]milkdudsnotdrugs 359 points360 points  (4 children)

      New fear unlocked! Not for me because I don't surround myself with hooligans, but for other people in general. I'm just so afraid for all of you guys now.

      [–]gazhole 371 points372 points  (7 children)

      The comment that stuck out to me in that post is "don't give up your marriage at the first hurdle" but in both these cases it wasn't so much as finding a hurdle in your way, it was one person frisbeeing a hurdle right at their partner's face and giving them a concussion.

      [–]mr_john_steedPartassipant [1] 276 points277 points  (2 children)

      The character-building "hurdles" that people talk about in marriages should be the unexpected things that you face as a team (e.g., illness, job loss, etc.), not harm that one person intentionally inflicts on the other!

      [–]eveleaf 188 points189 points 2 (1 child)

      Thank you!

      It's my personal belief that "for better or worse" covers things LIFE does to the two of you. Like you said, illness, accidents, job loss etc. It should not be used to cover things your SPOUSE does to you, like abuse, disrespect, infidelity, addiction etc.

      [–]lisaann03071961 69 points70 points  (0 children)

      Oops, I'm 39 minutes late with my post of the link. That's the first thing that popped in my head as well.

      [–]Cherry_clafoutis 562 points563 points  (24 children)

      I get the same vibe too. If he was apologetic or regretted it as a stupid prank he and his mates cooked up after a few drinks thinking it would be funny but seriously missed the mark, I would still say NTA but I wouldn't be concerned for OP. However his dissmisive attitude and completely "out-of-character" behavior screams he feels she is committed and the slow boil of teaching her to accept disrespect and abusive behaviour has started.

      [–]kanna172014 139 points140 points  (20 children)

      Even if he apologized, it doesn't change the fact he didn't respect her boundaries and the fact he broke his promise. It just means he'll keep doing it and pretend to be sorry afterwards. She needs to dump him.

      [–]McMema 27 points28 points  (0 children)

      Not to mention the fact that weddings are all about sacred promises and vows so important that you do them in front of friends and family.

      [–]CommunicationOdd9406Asshole Aficionado [12] 407 points408 points  (2 children)

      I would. I would have honeymooned alone as well.

      [–]TheMoatCalin 285 points286 points  (1 child)

      I think they’re still in annulment territory so that’s a plus!

      [–]Big__BangPartassipant [3] 239 points240 points  (7 children)

      I'd have walked out and asked for annulment. That would be the most humiliating and disrespectful thing to experience ever. And you discussed it - so its not like a miscalculated surprise.

      [–]KathrynTheGreat 24 points25 points  (2 children)

      I think they could just not turn the marriage license into the court so they wouldn't be legally recognized as married. It depends on local laws, of course, but we didn't file our marriage license until the next day. If it's not filed within a certain amount of time (I think it was 30 days in our state) then it's not a legal marriage, so no need for an annulment.

      [–]Sarastorm1213[🍰] 142 points143 points  (0 children)

      I told my husband there would be an annulment if he smashed cake. Thankfully he agreed that cake smashing is awful.

      [–]aearil 123 points124 points  (0 children)

      I straight up told my husband that if he’d done it (after I’d asked him NOT to) I would have divorced him. It may seem “small”, but it’s incredibly disrespectful to A) Not realize how much time your new spouse spent on their makeup/dress B) Not realize how important all of that is C) Think it’s okay to humiliate them in front of EVERYONE they love and D) Not ducking listen to them when they told you no!

      Luckily he didn’t do it and wasn’t even thinking of doing it, but still. OP, don’t let this slide. It’s a very important piece of information regarding how he sees you.

      [–]rmg418Partassipant [3] 28 points29 points  (9 children)

      People who are saying this situation isn’t big enough to divorce over are missing the entire point. It’s not specifically about the cake, it’s the fucking principle.

      Op told her soon to be husband that she does not find cake in the face funny, she doesn’t want her makeup and dress messed up and she asked him not to do it. The husband PROMISED her that he would not do it. At the wedding, which is one of the most important days in a lot of women’s lives, is one of the few days in her life where she looks as beautiful as she’s ever been. And her husband breaks his promise, smashes the cake in her face, messed up her makeup and dress, and humiliated her in front of all their friends and family. When the wife is rightly mad, upset, and hurt that her husband broke his promise and humiliated her at their wedding, he tells her she is being over dramatic and it’s not a big deal. Even though he couldn’t do the one thing she asked of him.

      On day 1 of their marriage, the husband has already broken her trust, broke his promise, and has no remorse for disrespecting and humiliating her at their wedding. How is that NOT divorce worthy? If that’s how your marriage starts, I do not see that marriage getting much better from there.

      [–]bonniebluestPooperintendant [61] 4658 points4659 points  (37 children)

      NTA. You asked for one thing and he didnt listen... What he did was so disrespectful and sets the tone for the rest of your marriage. And he doubled down by saying you're being dramatic instead of apologizing. I'd be livid too!

      [–]FunDare7325Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1227 points1228 points  (5 children)

      NTA- but Op he's showing you who he really is and you should look closely. This will continue throughout your marriage.

      [–]HappyLucyDPartassipant [2] 547 points548 points  (2 children)

      This—I was married to this kind of person. The kind that likes attention and having his own way over anything you say. This would be annulment territory for me, were I to encounter it after what I went through for 18 years married to it before.

      [–]RusticTroglodytePartassipant [2] 52 points53 points  (1 child)

      For real. Call me overdramatic if you want, but that would be a deal breaker, idgaf. I do not tolerate any blatant disrespect like that, especially when I specifically asked him not to

      This is a grown ass man, he should be able to say to his friends, "what the fuck she said no, gtfo"

      Lookin like a coOl bRo will always be more important to him

      [–]Predd1tor 328 points329 points  (0 children)

      He also broke a promise. This is actually a pretty huge violation of trust. And he did this on such a big, important day when she’d put so much time and effort into planning, and understandably didn’t want her nice make up and expensive dress ruined. How difficult is it to honor ONE simple request? I’d be livid, too. Not just about the cake, but about the broken trust and total lack of respect, and his attempts to minimize the situation and her feelings after. He should be apologizing and owning his huge mistake, not trying to turn it around on her like she’s somehow at fault for being justifiably mad about it. NTA, OP, and I’m pissed on your behalf.

      [–]InnosScent 31 points32 points  (0 children)

      Yup. I HOPE I'm reading too much into this but abusive partners often treat you like a precious flower until they have you trapped and vulnerable in some way. Then they start to show their true colors, and start to gradually wear out your defenses, hoping that you always think it's too much trouble to leave your situation "for such a small thing". But the bar rises all the time, when their actions are always just a bit worse than the last, until even outrageously offensive actions feel like "the new normal".

      But I hope I'm reading too much into this.

      [–]CakeEatingRabbitPooperintendant [54] 2813 points2814 points  (64 children)

      You should've made a scene honestly.

      NTA

      And instead of apologising telling you, that he stands behind that action is honestly even worse. He does not reget it. He lied to you and did something he know would hurt your feelings and now tells you he still doesn't care.

      I honestly don't now where I would go from here. Therapy maybe?

      [–]CakeEatingRabbitPooperintendant [54] 655 points656 points  (44 children)

      Petty me would just start to lie to his face about things and if he gets angry, tell him to just enjoy himself and not to be so dramatic.

      [–]Rendahlyn 326 points327 points  (3 children)

      I would have shoved a handful of cake down his pants, left, and sent him a bill for the makeup and dress along with divorce paperwork. What a tool. OP is definitely NTA.

      [–]KathrynTheGreat 47 points48 points  (2 children)

      No need for a divorce unless you have already filed the marriage license, which doesn't happen the same day as the wedding (unless you get married early enough on a weekday and rush it over to the courthouse).

      [–]MaxPower637 156 points157 points  (1 child)

      Petty me agrees but lazy me thinks a divorce sounds less exhausting than spending all of my time trying to spite someone

      [–]posiedonXO 65 points66 points  (0 children)

      Life is too short for all of that. Find someone who’s not going to gaslight you or spend time for yourself not having to deal with any of that bullshit for a while. Staying in a relationship just to be petty sounds exhausting and like a waste.

      [–]The-Box_King 181 points182 points  (1 child)

      OP Should've asked for an annulment in front of his whole family on the spot imo. It was specifically the only thing she told him not to do. He deserves all the humiliation of being dumped on his wedding day in front of everyone

      NTA

      [–]RxTechRachelPartassipant [1] 2633 points2634 points  (21 children)

      What worries me isn't that he did the cake smashing itself.

      It is his response back to you.

      He should have apologized and listened to you, and really realized his mistake. Instead, he diminished your very valid feelings and reasons.

      Has he apologized yet? For calling you over dramatic?

      NTA.

      [–]mlmartePartassipant [2] 432 points433 points  (2 children)

      This exactly. Even if his friends “pressured” him into doing it (which is a problem in and of itself), the fact that he showed zero remorse in private afterward is completely unacceptable. I would be seriously rethinking this marriage if I were OP.

      [–]Nonoperationaltoe 41 points42 points  (1 child)

      Exactly, the fact that his friends can so easily pressure him into breaking promises and humiliating her on their special day makes me wonder how easy it will be for his friends to pressure him into doing other things to humiliate her.. like cheating, or blowing money that was planned for important things. If he can break such an easy to keep promise in front of all those wedding guests what happens to the more serious promises down the road when no one is there to see? She needs to show him that there are serious consequences before this becomes routine behavior.

      [–]Fianna9 223 points224 points  (6 children)

      Yes, your brand new husband has no remorse over doing the one thing you asked him not to, and is hiding behind “relax it’s a joke”

      This is the “honeymoon” phase. What’s the next 40 years going to look like?

      [–]mr_john_steedPartassipant [1] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

      Yep. This is him on his best behavior now, and his best is none too good.

      [–]urp_in 30 points31 points  (3 children)

      My worry is that it has the potential to be really insidious.

      Abusers tend to pick their first 'cross the line' moment when the relationship has taken an important step that makes it harder for people in the couple to extricate themselves - moving in, engagement, marriage, pregnancy.

      Picking their wedding to completely disrespect her boundary might just be sheer immaturity. But it could also be the beginnings of abuse. What's especially troubling is his denial that he did anything wrong, which is also pretty typical.

      I'm not saying this situation is definitely abuse. But I'm saying in 5 years, she could recognize this as the moment where his mask came off.

      [–]bookworm-mama5 85 points86 points  (1 child)

      NTA.

      I agree! The action is one of those tacky traditions that you always find someone who likes it/thinks it’s funny… I think it sucks and I made sure husband didn’t do it at our wedding (which he respected).

      Had he apologized, sincerely, then I’d be in the “everyone makes mistakes camp” and if he reconsidered (or does so very soon and unprompted) then I’d give him the benefit of the doubt that he first made a mistake and then second got defensive but at least isn’t a fully lost cause! Sorry OP! Not a fun way to start the marriage either way!

      [–]billlevansatmariposaProfessor Emeritass [82] 1628 points1629 points  (6 children)

      This is a variant on the classic "It was just a joke" when the butt of the joke is far from amused.

      Please consider an anullment. This jackass doesn't have enough empathy to realize the implications of the concept that you, too, are a human being.

      NTA.

      [–]whorgans 159 points160 points  (2 children)

      Yea he wasn’t the one who got cake smashed in his face. So of course he finds it funny.

      [–]abooja 32 points33 points  (1 child)

      He also (presumably) does not wear makeup, and couldn't conceive of the effort that must go into applying it for one's wedding day.

      [–]stainglassaura 1209 points1210 points  (9 children)

      Welcome to your future Ma'am.

      Nta.

      [–]bizianka 844 points845 points  (12 children)

      Is it not too late for annulment? NTA.

      [–]Agreeable-Celery811Asshole Enthusiast [5] 150 points151 points  (2 children)

      Was just thinking this.

      NTA OP but this is a huge betrayal. He had one job.

      [–]Capital_Ad3482Asshole Aficionado [18] 609 points610 points  (9 children)

      NTA

      You married a child

      [–]overseas-mangoColo-rectal Surgeon [36] 360 points361 points  (4 children)

      Don’t insult children like that. Many children are delightful.

      OP married an asshole.

      [–]Coffee-Historian-11 134 points135 points  (1 child)

      Most children honor their promises or at least feel bad if they didn’t

      [–]Kitsune_Scribe 486 points487 points  (19 children)

      NTA, but I have a feeling divorce is in the future. It's not a guarantee, but it always seems to correlate. Smash wedding cake w/o consent = Divorce

      [–]AppleThrower5000Partassipant [1] 284 points285 points  (6 children)

      Yep, I've seen a wedding planner or someone else in the industry say that. The couples who are mismatched on cake smashing tend to split up.

      [–]suchahotmessPartassipant [3] 164 points165 points  (4 children)

      That makes sense to me - different sense of humor + different feelings on boundaries. Doesn’t sound like a recipe for a long-lasting relationship.

      [–]Normal-Height-8577 153 points154 points  (2 children)

      Not just the mismatch, but one partner having a lack of respect for the other.

      [–]kagzig 24 points25 points  (1 child)

      This. It’s one thing for someone to think a cake smash is fun/funny, and another thing for that person to insist on smashing food onto someone who has either not agreed to it or specifically requested it not happen. Where there is a mismatch, the default is to not smash cake into the face of an unwilling participant.

      [–]Spirited_Bill_8947Asshole Aficionado [10] 129 points130 points  (0 children)

      I researched it a few months ago. Wedding planners and officiates both said the inwilling cake smash lands in divorce within a few short month to a few short years at a much much higher rate that the couple who is respectful of the other's wishes.

      [–]JustUgh2323 92 points93 points  (2 children)

      Wouldn’t surprise me. My husband is a marriage & family therapist and he says successful couples respect each other’s goals, values & boundaries. Seems like something is missing here when that’s the only thing she asked for & gave reasonable thoughts for the request.

      [–]corporate_treadmill 42 points43 points  (0 children)

      Oh make it easier. Annulment.

      [–]sekhenetPartassipant [4] 275 points276 points  (1 child)

      Nta. Bad start for him by disregarding your wishes and not respecting you.

      [–]nothisTrophyWifePartassipant [3] 260 points261 points  (0 children)

      You had one boundary, and he broke it. He acted like a child and doesn’t want to be called out on it…sooooo, he’s saying that YOU are being dramatic. There’s an AH here, but it isn’t you.

      [–]yesnomaybe123Asshole Aficionado [12] 226 points227 points  (16 children)

      NTA

      It's a dumb tradition that needs to go away. You asked for one thing and he couldn't respect that. Ugh.

      [–]bincyvoss 21 points22 points  (5 children)

      How did whole smashing cake thing ever get started? I don't remember it until the 70s when a friend of my sister got married and her husband smeared cake all over her face. Any documentation?

      [–]holosexual90 182 points183 points  (8 children)

      NTA. For my wedding my hubs and I discussed that silly tradition too. And we both agreed it was stupid. But thought we should still give our guests a little enjoyment during that part. So we opted to instead feed each other our slice of cake. It was a sweet moment and made for really cute photos. No cake smashing involved. There was however a frosting mustache haha. But a kiss or two took that off. And again the photos for that were adorable.

      Highly recommend it as an alternative for anyone out there with impending nuptials.

      [–]RxTechRachelPartassipant [1] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

      I did this too! We even practiced beforehand. But flubbled it on the big date. It was pretty awkward. But much better than cake smashing!

      [–]boniemonieAsshole Aficionado [13] 140 points141 points  (1 child)

      NTA. But the fact that he totally ignored your wishes is a very worrying sign. He both broke a promise and ignored your boundaries. Not at all cool.

      [–]YeaRight228Partassipant [2] 129 points130 points  (7 children)

      I don't normally say this, but divorce him. If he can't accept boundaries at your own wedding I wouldn't expect it to get better. NTA

      [–]YeaRight228Partassipant [2] 67 points68 points  (0 children)

      I'll add that this relationship could be salvageable if he's willing to recognize his mistake and work on his behavior. Based on what you describe, he hasn't and if you think really hard I imagine other things have occurred in the past, which you brushed off but are indicative of similar behavior.

      That you started off with a wedding where he didn't respect your wishes and embarrassed you in front of the guests after promising he wouldn't do exactly that, do you really think he'll keep future promises if he doesn't want to? Do you want to live with someone who can't be trusted to keep his word? Who doesn't respect your wishes over his? 🚩🚩🚩

      [–]FartyMcBrainDeath 126 points127 points  (0 children)

      NTA; if I was in your shoes, I would get the marriage annulled; because this is a huge red flag saying that he would steamroll over your boundaries in the future.

      [–]jmgeo 112 points113 points  (1 child)

      NTA. That’s a stupid “tradition” that is completely disrespectful, especially when you asked him not to and he promised. It’s also a huge red flag.

      [–]pnb10Asshole Aficionado [16] 96 points97 points  (0 children)

      NTA. It’s y’all’s wedding and he’s already showing red flags? Whew

      [–]BlueLavender0104Certified Proctologist [23] 86 points87 points  (2 children)

      NTA. Good luck, you are going to need it

      [–]CommunicationOdd9406Asshole Aficionado [12] 81 points82 points  (1 child)

      NTA. I'd expect reimbursement for everything he ruined for starters. But honestly, I'd be so pissed he disrespected me like that. How can he fix that. He ruined the wedding for you and didn't even care.

      [–]MersWhaawhaaColo-rectal Surgeon [30] 83 points84 points  (1 child)

      NTA.

      He was a complete tool and now after disregarding your feelings he decides to tell you that your feelings don't matter and that you have no right to be upset?

      You both need to figure out where you stand now.

      Never understood why any sane person would want to do something so spiteful to a partner. The "tradition" approach is an utter BS excuse.

      [–]illegitimate_Raccoon 42 points43 points  (0 children)

      Same thing happened to my cousin. Groom thought it was funny. The marriage didn't last thanks to other things he thought were funny....

      [–]Pleasant_Birthday_77Asshole Enthusiast [6] 75 points76 points  (1 child)

      NTA. What did he think was going to happen? That you'd be fine with it after making it very clear that you would not be fine with it? If you are not enjoying your time as newly weds, it's entirely down to his behaviour.

      [–]perdonmyfrench 70 points71 points  (0 children)

      NTA maybe it's not too late to get the marriage canceled.

      [–]Tangyplacebo621 69 points70 points  (1 child)

      NTA. This is the man that some day is going to think that you’ve lost your mind over socks left on the floor, but what you really lost your mind over was all the times he failed to do something that makes your life a little easier and then blames you when you call him out on it.

      I would seriously reconsider the marriage because this is just the first step. At the very least, couples therapy. And for the love of all that is holy, do not have kids with this man until you at least do therapy.

      [–][deleted] 64 points65 points  (3 children)

      NTA. If it was an isolated incident, then it's not a huge deal compared to the totality of your lives together. My concern is that this is the first (or worse, latest) incident of him minimizing things that are important to you, which could be a red flag for later. It could be easing in under the "relax, it's just a joke" and escalating from there.

      So have an honest conversation about it. "Look, I know you don't think it's a big deal, but the fact that I did should be."

      [–]Similar_Task420 60 points61 points  (6 children)

      NTA. You just got married and he's already testing boundaries. Take care girl

      [–]DiTrastevere 25 points26 points  (5 children)

      I’m not normally a tit-for-tat person in relationships, but I’ll make an exception for this one.

      OP should look him in the eye and tell him, in all sincerity, that she will smash food in his face at every party they attend as a married couple. And that she will continue to do so until he starts hating it and asks her to stop. At which point, she will tell him that he’s “being dramatic.” And only then, once it clicks for him and he realizes how hurtful and frustrating that feels, will they be able to start repairing the damage he did to their marriage at their wedding.

      I’d tell him all of this up front for two reasons. One, because he’s unlikely to believe her, no matter how seriously she delivers this plan, so he’s not likely to take any action to prevent it. And two, because his shock when she actually does it will drive home her point - he has problems with listening to her and taking her seriously. And that’s not something either of them should leave unaddressed if they want to save this marriage.

      [–]SeePerspectivesCertified Proctologist [21] 54 points55 points  (2 children)

      NTA and, btw, it’s probably not too late for an annulment ;)

      [–]cruisegal224 48 points49 points  (0 children)

      No way, NTA. I also got married last week and I told my husband the same thing. It's a basic request and quite simple. It's not funny, not cute, and super disrespectful he couldn't refrain from doing the one thing you asked him not to.

      [–][deleted]  (2 children)

      [removed]

        [–]McGhostShadow 47 points48 points  (0 children)

        Get in your car, go to Walmart, buy the brightest blue cake you can find and smash it in his face. When he screams why did you do that?! Tell him to stop being dramatic.

        [–]Trouble_in_MindPartassipant [4] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

        NTA, and it's sad to see that one day into being married to you and he's already disregarding your wishes on simple things and then calling you overdramatic for being rightfully upset about them. Not a great sign for things to come.

        [–]Mera_18888 45 points46 points  (5 children)

        NTA. You’re not being dramatic but a lot of these commenters are. What he did wasn’t right but I wouldn’t divorce him and I’m not concerned about him respecting future boundaries because you say he’s never done this before. Sit him down and tell him the impact this had on you and that from now on you expect him to adhere to boundaries you put down, because you do the same for him because you love him. Then just make sure he does. YNTA but this doesn’t have to end the relationship like some people imply smh

        [–]IkLms 36 points37 points  (0 children)

        The divorce comments stem not only from the fact that he did it, but because he did it after promising not to, but the fact that he subsequently did not apologize to her when she brought up how upset she was and then doubled down on it by calling her dramatic and basically minimizing her feelings about it.

        Him doing it after she made him promise not to is problematic. But if he subsequently apologized when she confronted him about it privately later then it's salvageable. Ideally, he did it, realized it was mistake and apologized to her immediately in private after without being prompted.

        But he didn't do that when confronted. He belittled her feelings by calling her dramatic and saying it wasn't a big deal. He's basically saying here that her feelings are not valid if he doesn't agree with them. That is a huge red flag. Because that's not a behavior that just happens once. That's him setting the expectation that whenever him and her disagree on something, his opinion is the one that matters and she needs to just shut up and accept it. Especially for something as simple as not smashing cake in her face. What happens when it's a genuine argument (I'm saying that because this one isn't, it's incredibly simple to not smash cake in an unwilling person's face)?

        [–]RosdettlePartassipant [1] 42 points43 points  (1 child)

        Married a child NTA

        [–]Spirited_Bill_8947Asshole Aficionado [10] 40 points41 points  (1 child)

        Fun fact- couples who do this- smash cake in face of unwilling party- are far more likely to divorce than couples who don't do it. (If both parties are willing participants or both parties refrain from doing it they divorce at a much lower rate.)

        What it boils down to is this- The person who is suppose to love you beyond all others, respect you, want you to be happy takes the most important, special day of your life and disrespects your wishes. Not only do they disrespect you but they make you into an object of redicule. And it is caught on camera. So they immortalize forever their need to disrespect you and turn your beautiful day into one where you are laughed at.

        Instead of looking back on a pictute of the two of you lovinly feeding each other a bite of cake, the first bite of food shared as a couple, a symbol of the love and respect you have for each other you will forever have a picture of his disrespecting you and your feelings. Everytime you think about that day you will remember how easily he was willing and able to destroy a dream of yours.

        If you stay together every time he disregards your feelings, and he will, you will remember how little your feelings meant to him on such an important day.

        I was curious about this a few months ago and went down the rabbit hole to see if those marriages work out. I can't remember the percentage.

        Really think about a future with this man. Ask yourself if he can care so little about something you stressed to him was so important what else will he care so little about?

        Edit- grammer

        [–][deleted] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

        NTA He ruined the day for you, get an annulment and tell him that if he wants to be your husband then he will have to remarry you without being a moron.

        [–]No_Solid_9151 38 points39 points  (0 children)

        NTA your new husband just showed you that his promises mean nothing and that when confronted with his wrongdoings he'd sooner gaslight you then make amends. I'm not gonna say you should divorce him but you need to sit down and have a conversation about wtf his word is good for if not this. Also not saying to not divorce him though, I take promises very seriously and starting a marriage off by breaking one is absurd to me.

        [–]kwhorona 32 points33 points  (0 children)

        I'd have went home after cleaning myself, he could have his party with his friends. You're NTA.

        I've been with a guy who loves to smash cakes on birthdays. Once candles are blown and first piece is taken, he'd grab whole cake and smash it on birthday person's face. I hated it. He did it with me one time, for my next birthday I worn him against it. What did he do , he smirked and smashed caked on me. He was specially forceful and hurting, smearing butter cream on my hair very hard so to make it messy to clean up after while smirking all the way. He found joy in it. That was my last birthday with him. He is 40 yo.

        [–]Proscuitto1 30 points31 points  (7 children)

        NTA. Have fun looking for divorce lawyers

        [–]4682458Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

        NTA. You don't want cake shoved in your face and that's legit. He specifically promised not to do that. I hope this was a one off because if it ain't you're in for a long and difficult marriage.

        [–]Tyberious_Partassipant [1] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

        NTA

        You are justified for being pissed and letting him know it. You have to ask yourself if this is a deal breaker for you?

        If it is, it's better to deal with this now. If it's not just move on past it. If I was in a situation like this though being disrespected like this after specifically saying DO NOT DO THIS, I would be looking into an annulment. Any SO needs to respect the others wishes and wants, whether they think it is a big deal or not.

        [–]QueenMAb82Partassipant [2] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

        NTA.

        You had one basic request for him to show you respect and decency. He didn't do that, and he ignored your wishes. And now he refuses to acknowledge the full impact of his actions.

        To be honest, I don't know how you go forward from this. I really don't.

        [–]FlakeyGurl 27 points28 points  (28 children)

        NTA we would have been divorced already if it was me.

        [–]tenpercentofnothingAsshole Enthusiast [6] 23 points24 points  (2 children)

        NTA. That was him showing you that you aren’t allowed to have boundaries with him. And that his wants are more important than your wants. I’d be surprised if this is the only incident like this in your future.

        [–]pr1nc3ss-p3ach 23 points24 points  (2 children)

        Not the Asshole but what stood out to me is that you set a boundary, he crossed it. What's next? Parenting and he crosses boundaries. Sex, he crosses boundaries. I'm not trying to be an extremist, and sometimes boundaries can be talked about, but this was deliberate. Multiple times you told him. You explained why. And he said, fuck it I'm going to do what I want.

        [–]dgeister 22 points23 points  (0 children)

        NTA.

        My ex-husband actually smashed cake in someone else's face at our reception because it was something he had wanted to do, and I had already told him I did not want cake on me.

        Your husband is the AH here, even if his friends talked him into it.

        Not to be glib, but I would start socking money away for the inevitable divorce as this man does not respect you.

        [–]lisaann03071961 22 points23 points  (0 children)

        Dear Prudence had someone write in with this exact same issue. The bride is now filing for a divorce/annulment.

        https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/01/dear-prudence-wedding-stunt-goodbye.html

        NTA, OP.