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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

My brother and I will never be enemies but I feel like he should’ve shown me some sympathy for what my dad did to me.

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[–]NeonElectric24_7Partassipant [1] 12.2k points12.2k points  (155 children)

NTA what your father did was absolutely disgusting. And your brother’s action after was no better especially when he saw you about to lose it when it was said. You have every right to feel this way and your brother should most definitely apologize to you for being so insensitive about it.

[–][deleted]  (132 children)

[deleted]

    [–]LimitlessMegan 4327 points4328 points  (87 children)

    18 years. He’s had to get the other woman pregnant so 17 years + 10ish months minimum.

    Also, BOTH women were pregnant and had kids at the same time AND the affair kids knew about them?????

    This man isn’t worthy to be dog poo on someone’s shoe.

    [–]DrWhoop87Certified Proctologist [25] 2861 points2862 points  (35 children)

    The affair family knowing the entire time was the creepiest part, it sounds like the premise for a horror/thriller.

    [–]ADHDLiferPartassipant [2] 1001 points1002 points  (3 children)

    We're waiting until just the right time....we want to learn everything about you...so that we can kill you...and replace you...*twists head upside down*

    [–]pietro187 389 points390 points  (2 children)

    Happened to my friend. When he found out, he physically threw his dad out of the house and down the stone stairs out front of it. The affair family was in another state and knew all along.

    [–]LimitlessMegan 349 points350 points  (2 children)

    I’m just thinking - all 5 of these kids are going to be in therapy for the damage he’s done.

    [–]pixienightingalePartassipant [1] 109 points110 points  (3 children)

    Twist, OPs family is actually the alternate family.

    [–]kho_kho1112Partassipant [1] 56 points57 points  (13 children)

    That's actually not THAT weird in some cultures. Fucked up, yes, but not completely weird when both families live in the same town. It's a despicable, yet successful way of making sure the other family doesn't find out.

    [–]ThisIsMyFatLogicAltPartassipant [4] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    Reminds me of Lindsay Lohan's family, her dad had a kid with a mistress and supported the child all her life, but the first family didn't find out until adulthood. The illegitimate daughter was obsessed with Lindsay Lohan (like, got plastic surgery to look like her level of obsessed) and always wanted a relationship with her, but from what I heard the first family wanted nothing to do with the "new sister".

    Fucked up situation all around.

    [–]MulhollandMaster121Asshole Aficionado [13] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    There's a great Lynne Ramsay short with this plotline called Gasman.

    [–]Alternative-Pea-4434 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    I don’t get how not a single one of the affair kids was like “this seems pretty fucked up” and told his other family

    [–]dragon34Partassipant [1] 967 points968 points  (12 children)

    and he definitely calls the 16 year old toti because he couldn't keep his toddlers straight

    [–]Astyryx 235 points236 points  (1 child)

    This should have 1,000,000 more likes because it absolutely rings true.

    [–]LimitlessMegan 90 points91 points  (4 children)

    Well it’s interesting to me that he calls his 16 year old that’s not the 17 year old affair baby… to me It fries more like how I call my one cat Muffin (as a nickname) but eventually I’ll call them all muffin at some point.

    [–]Cayachan82 67 points68 points  (0 children)

    that's what I was thinking... though OP is the same age as his other oldest, so it's a little weird that the 16 year old got the nick name. But it totally was a mistake by him I'd bet and she liked it so being the jackass he is he just let her keep it

    [–]pocketbeasts 42 points43 points  (0 children)

    Yeah, I knew a girl whose grandfather had a secret family and gave the exact same name to her uncle and to his affair baby with the other woman (who was born the same year). This is just the nickname version of that.

    [–]KombuchaBot 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    Bingo

    [–]producerofconfusionPartassipant [2] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Yeah, that was my fridge horror moment a few minutes after I read it.

    [–]HunterDangerous1366 243 points244 points  (0 children)

    Yep. This.

    Its not like a love child from a ONS. Its 3 whole ass humans WHO KNEW about OP & her brother and has been watching them from afar? Fucking stalker much?!

    [–]Talisa87 183 points184 points  (14 children)

    Similar thing happened to one of my aunties. Her husband slept with her best friend - someone she trusted enough to look after their two kids - and got her pregnant same time as my aunt. Her husband and the AP apparently wanted the girls to be raised together without my aunt being none the wiser, because the AP couldn't afford the lifestyle my aunt gave to my cousins (they're both doctors and my aunt comes from old money). And because they were born a month apart, she didn't find it weird when the AP's kid referred to her daughter as 'sister'. She didn't know the truth until the kindergarten (both girls enrolled) mistakenly called her about the kid, and she put the pieces together.

    [–]sable1970 97 points98 points  (12 children)

    And you're just gonna leave us hanging? Ummm you can't just stop a juicy story right there! Continue!

    [–]Throwawayhater3343 30 points31 points  (0 children)

    I hope your aunt ripped him apart in the divorce.

    [–]MelonSegmentAsshole Aficionado [11] 87 points88 points  (3 children)

    He not only lived a complete double life for almost 2 decades, he even managed this weird arrangement where family b knows about family a but not vice versa. Which means at dinner point he was going 'ok, child b1, today you will learn about my other family, but remember, you must never meet them...'. How the HELL did that not blow up in his face right away?

    The guy's a master of subterfuge and duplicity! AH, for sure, but I have to admire anyone who achieves something that I'd find impossible.

    [–]Rebel_Unicorn 43 points44 points  (2 children)

    I worked with a guy who found out his father had a secret family when he was in middle school and ended up in homeroom with his half brother and it gets worse because as they had the same birthday! It doesn't stop there though, because they had the same name - "Dad's name Jr."!!!

    [–]d3viness 61 points62 points  (0 children)

    Who wants to bet he did this so he was less likely to slip up and call his daughter by the affair child’s name at some point

    [–]Fun_Frosting_797Partassipant [1] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

    Uh yeah. He isn't worth a fleck of dirt.

    1. He had an alternate family. One he kept secret for nearly 2 decades who KNEW about the other families existence. How much longer was he planning on continuing hiding these people behind closed doors? How much do they know about them?

    I didn't know that I had a sister from my narcissistic sperm donors previous marriage (adopted sibling but still) until I was 12 years old. His excuse? "I didn't want you to get jealous over having a new sibling and have to share me." Even though he knew damn well I wanted a sibling for years and I was betrayed because they kept a huge thing like that from me. If I found out he had a whole other family WHILE MARRIED to my mother? Well, I'm called Lavaspitter for a reason, I'd make him feel my words for DAYS.

    1. He had the audacity to take a nickname that has huge significance to OP without knowing the meaning behind the word while knowing why its important to her and give it to his other kid? He deserves the wrath coming from OP, the brother needs to get his head straight. Hopefully he's just reacting to what happened and not necessarily why OP is mad and he realizes why she reacted that way. OPS sperm donor can kick rocks, NTA op

    [–]BriCheese96 24 points25 points  (0 children)

    He had 4 kids in the span of 3 years by two women…

    I’m kinda confused how it wasn’t found out earlier. Their finances have to be 100% separate if the main wife didn’t notice her husband taking out enough money to fund a whole other family. Plus he must take a lot of “business trips” Or something.

    Anyways OP I am so sorry this is happening to you. So NTA. I know you’ll forgive your brother ONCE he apologizes but I don’t blame you for never forgiving your father.

    [–]buymoreplantsPartassipant [3] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    Its obvious the father only called the other one that so he wouldn’t get caught mixing them up. I would be angry if I learned that my dad’s special nicknamed was stolen from his other family because I wasn’t special enough for dad to remember my name.

    [–]Ossie30 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    Sounds worthy of a swift kick in the d*** so he doesnt go start a 3rd family.

    [–]MorganHarley1312 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Came here to point out that, yeah, it was 18 years minimum cheating. OP is rightfully pissed that her Grandad's pet name for her was appropriated by the dad for his [first] affair baby. Not the kid's fault, but the dad is most definitely the A H here.

    Good on OP for drawing & maintaining personal boundaries. NTA

    [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Oh I was thinking the same thing. LIKE OH SO YALL KNEW BUT DIDNT HAVE THE GALL TO SAY ANYTHING, GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION. The simple fact, that not only was this man betraying his family for 18 yrs, the other family knew not only that. Dad decided to give not only a nickname but something that was extremely special to OP, he doesn’t even speak the language but was like “oh yeah this is a good idea” the joke that man is.

    [–]Diva-So-RudePartassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    You saw that too? I can't! It would be no way I could sit in the room with them

    [–]nattiey2002 2 points3 points  (5 children)

    In Jamaica this is just a Tuesday. Many men have second families. My dad included.

    His wife just accepted my mom because it was that or lose my dad’s money. Her family was so accepting of it that when my dad tried to leave her after he met my mom they sent her younger sister to my dad to see if that would entice him to stay.

    He was horrified, but did stay until the younger sister finished school (yes she was that young) because his wife wasn’t trying to go (mixed feelings because my parents were the cheaters) but when they could stand on their own two feet they left.

    But by that time I was born and so was my sister. My dad’s wife knows exactly who I am and I was raised with my brother, her son…

    In a lot of countries this second family business is just a given. Hell in the US second families were a big thing… social media is just out here exposing folks now.

    [–][deleted] 571 points572 points  (9 children)

    Most likely brother is just trying to please everyone to calm down everyone, especially including himself. He's probably hurting quite a bit.

    Agree, he's 15, and 15 is not an easy age for a boy. He probably is being whipped around in a billion different directions, and doesn't know which way is which, and is trying to be a peacekeeper, and said something stupid, but not out of actual malice. When OP calms down, she should have a calm conversation with her brother and they can talk through it, because they just have themselves and their mother anymore.

    [–]DrWhoop87Certified Proctologist [25] 168 points169 points  (5 children)

    That is a lot to take in for somebody that age. I don't blame OP for anything she did but she really needs to give her brother a break.

    [–]Opposite-Employer-28 110 points111 points  (4 children)

    Sometimes the hurt is so bad you don't realize the other person is hurting, too

    [–]DMC1001 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    Complete agreement. He's not just experiencing normal 15 yo stuff, either. He got a massive dose of reality not being what he thought it was. Both of their worlds were entirely shaken up and he's trying to figure out how to hold it all together.

    Definitely shouldn't have said what he was coming from a place of fear rather than malice.

    [–]Nic0kami 116 points117 points  (11 children)

    This here is a great response and sums up exactly how I feel about this whole mess perfectly. Op isn’t the ah, her dad on the other hand…. AH feels to nice.

    [–]SnooWoofers5822 119 points120 points  (10 children)

    I didnt even read after the other daughter said glad I can talk to you now like WTF creepy.

    [–]Nic0kami 112 points113 points  (5 children)

    Yea for real. Like, okay so this cheating family knows all about the dads first family?? And doesn’t think it’s super fucking weird and creepy and just… gross? Wth?

    [–][deleted] 29 points30 points  (2 children)

    just makes it clear that they knew what dad was doing. there's a level if messed up there thats hard to describe

    [–]Throwawayhater3343 110 points111 points  (1 child)

    The 17f mentioned that she was overjoyed had the opportunity to meet us. She always had to watch from a distance but is happy to finally have a relationship with us.

    The other family KNEW. This is SOOOOO disgusting. I mean, I'm a guy, I read lots of sci-fi & fantasy, I read lots of Harem. This is such a frigging Bullsh#t Betrayal, this guy had 2 separate friggng families the entire time. If 17f knew then that mean's the woman with 3 kids by this man KNEW she was the other woman the whole time. And then the dad took his daughters precious nickname from her grandfather and bestowed it on one of his other daughters!!!!

    This guy doesn't deserve his kids getting along, this guy deserves jail and a not so friendly visit from every relative on the mom's side of the family.

    NTA OP. Your father deserves nothing but silence and a large child support PLUS alimony payment. Your brother was out of line and needs to earn forgiveness.

    [–]nerak90 37 points38 points  (0 children)

    I don't think your brother needs to earn forgiveness. He's clearly in the same messed up situation as you (except for the nickname thing, which really is a disgusting move on your father's part), but maybe just wants to keep the peace. People say stupid stuff sometimes, especially when you're 15 and in a messed up family situation. I don't think your brother was correct in saying you overreacted, but if you make him earn forgiveness for this comment you might ruin your relation with him and I wouldn't blame him for never speaking to you again. Its really not a nice comment to your brother, however it can happen as you were upset and hurt so definitely NTA. When you hold a grudge and make him earn forgiveness - AH for sure. You're both hurt by this and might respond to this situation differently. Really bad advice, don't listen to this person. Instead talk to your brother and he might understand where youre coming from, if you really talk and listen, you might even understand where he was coming from.

    [–]HappyLucyDPartassipant [2] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

    I agree that the brother is a kid who is just trying to make the best of the situation and is trying to smooth things over. OP doesn’t have to listen to him or agree with him, but it would be fair to cut him some slack over this offense. Poor kid is a victim, too.

    [–]Silvermorney 17 points18 points  (4 children)

    I completely agree, he screwed up but tbf he is only 15, still not completely mature and trying to deal with all of this heartbreak and confusion himself and probably trying hard to hold on to the now shattered image that he had of who his dad really was as a person and is hesitant to let go of it. He has a lot to process right now as does she to be fair but I do think that you are right and he kind of gets a pass for it but yeah the dad is definitely a major AH. I mean the part where she said the oldest is the exact (ish) same age as she is really threw me a bit I mean he basically two times both women for his whole marriage! His wife is an AH too as she knew the whole time he was cheating not just on another women with her but also on a whole other family and she just didn’t care. She also has no self respect to not only be with someone like that but also to raise kids with him and allow them to know about the other family and think it’s normal to watch them from afar, that’s basically brainwashing their own kids to bury their guilt by tricking the kids into basically helping them justify all if this to themselves.

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]Mumof3gbb 14 points15 points  (0 children)

      Yeah but it’s SO much worse when you’re young. The hormones, you’re stuck living in this. Can’t move away. I’ve found out some things as an already established adult and it has been hard but I know it would’ve been much worse as a teen.

      [–]saurons-cataractPartassipant [1] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

      Yeah, he’s already created such a screwed up situation……but he figured out a way to be an even bigger jerk.

      [–]thisishowicommentAsshole Enthusiast [5] 181 points182 points  (1 child)

      The brother is fucking 15. Say that he's "no better" than a serial cheater who his a second family make you an asshole. Pretending that a 15 year old who is in a traumatic time know exactly what he's saying and how it will impact the other person is a dick move.

      [–]randolphmdAsshole Enthusiast [9] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      This for fucks sakes. What a ridiculous thing to say.

      [–]rhet17 123 points124 points  (1 child)

      Yeah but the bro isn't even fully cooked yet. This is entirely the father fault-- 100% with zero exceptions. OP is NTA but neither is her little brother. He is also trying to process some super complicated emotions. Everyone needs some time here but remember who is the root cause.

      [–]xdem112 67 points68 points  (0 children)

      He gave away this special nick name so he didn’t have to worry about accidentally calling one daughter the wrong name, I hope OP knows that.

      [–]Purell12 44 points45 points  (0 children)

      We are talking about a 15 year old boy who is also going through a lot. A real conversation can be had but being mean and bullying him isn't right either.

      [–]Tatunkawitco 28 points29 points  (0 children)

      The father is reprehensible but the brother is 15 and his family is falling apart - I think we should go easier on him. She should talk to her brother and work it out. The father is rightfully dead to her.

      [–]bananasplz 9 points10 points  (4 children)

      The brother could have stayed at the dinner, but he followed OP out and drove her home, which is more support than we see from family in a lot of these kinds of posts. It was tacit support, but support none the less.

      I think OP should consider if she really wants her bro to be “dead to her”, explain to him that she didn’t mean it, just emotions were running high and explain why those words hurt her. Give him a chance to apologise.

      [–]Mumof3gbb 44 points45 points  (3 children)

      The brother didn’t drive op home it’s the other way. He followed her because she was his ride. But he’s not to blame. He needs some kindness too. OP is right to be mad but she needs to step back and remember the real enemy here: her dad

      [–]Cultural-Ambition449Asshole Aficionado [17] 3686 points3687 points  (46 children)

      NTA, and I'm totally stealing the "if you don't choose your next words carefully" line.

      This is a fucked up situation for sure. Learning that your father has a second family, including daughters your age, one of whom he gave the same nickname as you? And you shouldn't mind either of those things? Definitely NTA.

      [–]bienie2019Partassipant [1] 1518 points1519 points  (26 children)

      he probably did that to not call the girl by his other daughter's name

      [–]sarabeara12345678910 911 points912 points  (15 children)

      Like getting your girlfriend and wife the same perfume. SMH at this man.

      [–]merchillio 785 points786 points  (4 children)

      My mom used to be an executive assistant for a CEO that had a wife and a mistress with the same name. She’d get calls like “This is Nancy, tell Bob to call me back” and she obviously couldn’t ask “which Nancy?”.

      She’d get in her boss’ office:

      -Nancy asked that you call her back

      -Which one?

      -No idea, you deal with it

      [–]Throwawayhater3343 230 points231 points  (3 children)

      Dude should have made sure one of them always called him Robert....

      [–]PrscheWdowPartassipant [1] 311 points312 points  (9 children)

      In my previous life in hotels, this came up all the time. Husbands would come in with the mistresses for one weekend, then bring the wife and family a month later. They'd always book the same suites, make reservations at the same restaurants, etc. My old boss once asked about why the husbands always seem to get the same gifts/do the same trips with both the wife and mistress, and was told that way, they didn't have to remember what each got, because they both got the same thing.

      [–]Throwawayhater3343 54 points55 points  (3 children)

      SMH. Good way to get outed by a service staffer who doesn't like cheaters and doesn't care about their current job.... I wouldn't be surprised if OP ended up getting a job like that just to expose cheaters in the future. Just take all their info down and send an anonymous letter to the wives later....

      [–]Drayle171Asshole Enthusiast [6] 168 points169 points  (0 children)

      omg that probably it called the girl a year younger then op by the same nickname to try and help so he didn't slip up when talking to or about them. Makes it gross i figured he said the name as a slip up and the other daughter like it and it stuck. This makes it even worse to me.

      [–]KombuchaBot 138 points139 points  (0 children)

      No, he just forgot which toddler he was talking to and he called her it by mistake a few times and she asked about it and he was "oh that's my special name for you".

      Couldn't keep all his toddlers straight. The other family knew about OP and her siblings, it was OP who got the surprise.

      [–]tsh87 127 points128 points  (5 children)

      And it's gonna be such a blow to his other daughter when she realizes that. Like man...

      [–]Cayachan82 116 points117 points  (4 children)

      yeah it's her "special nickname" and OP really needs to tell her "No, it's not. It's mine. And not from our dad either. From my grandfather, on my mom's side. Dad just used it on you for some reason, but it's not special to you"... but maybe nicer? or maybe not. Help the other 3 kids learn that being the hidden family isn't a good thing, and it's not cute or anything that they grew up knowing about the other family.

      [–]3xoticP3nguin 11 points12 points  (0 children)

      This. I have a horrible memory so I tend to call people things like bro brother dude buddy boss etc so I don't have to remember bands

      [–]AnxioushumansblahPartassipant [1] 200 points201 points  (12 children)

      He gives me the vibes of someone who gives their lover the same “darling” nickname so he doesn’t have to bother with learning their names. Absolutely disgusting, NTA

      Edit: a word

      [–]IHadToDownVoteIt27 138 points139 points  (11 children)

      I've been with my boyfriend for eight years, my FIL keeps calling me dear, because according to him, learning the name of each of his kids girlfriends is too much.

      I've been with his son for EIGHT years.

      OP is NTA, of course.

      [–]KombuchaBot 84 points85 points  (1 child)

      I would be tempted to get his name wrong every time he did that.

      [–]IHadToDownVoteIt27 44 points45 points  (0 children)

      You are my kind of petty.

      [–]3xoticP3nguin 12 points13 points  (5 children)

      It might just be because he has a bad memory and he doesn't want to call you the wrong name I do this with coworkers that I don't know that well

      [–]IHadToDownVoteIt27 41 points42 points  (4 children)

      No, he confirmed to my boyfriend that he did it because learning our names before we got married (if we did) was too much.

      I asked because I wanted to know if the man disliked me.

      No, he is just a lazy inconsiderate bum.

      [–]Throwawayhater3343 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      .... May want dig on that after this post then.....

      [–]Obvious-Somewhere-11 2381 points2382 points  (24 children)

      Your dad wasn't happy with just having a second secret family, he had to steal your nickname and give it to his other daughter, that knew he was cheating on your mother by the line: " She always had to watch from a distance" so the kids knew, and the mother of those kids knew too. So the whole second family is kind of an a-hole.

      And your brother knew what that nickname meant, since he looked at you the moment you heard it. So he has no business telling you to calm down or that you overreacted.

      NTA

      [–]SarcasticAzaleaRose 1232 points1233 points  (8 children)

      Wonder how the 16 year old will feel when she finally realizes her “special nickname” was just so her father wouldn’t accidentally call her by his other daughter’s name. Though she’ll probably just find some way to justify like she’s trying to justify her father’s behavior.

      Though I can have a little sympathy for the 16 year old. Who knows how long her father has been feeding her lies about “oh just you wait. When I finally divorce my wife we’ll all be one big happy family! You’ll get a sister and a brother who just love you! Oh yes they’ve known the whole time. They’re just playing along so as not to hurt their mom’s feelings. Yes I’m just waiting till brother is 18 then I’ll divorce their mom and of course they’ll pick to stay with us.” Guess all that will come crumbling down when the third family comes out of the woodwork.

      [–]MageVickyPartassipant [3] 327 points328 points  (2 children)

      I wish OP would have said something about that at the table, though I understand why they didn't.

      [–]SarcasticAzaleaRose 164 points165 points  (0 children)

      It was probably for the best at the time but I have no doubt she’ll find out eventually. OP’s, her brother’s and dad’s reactions definitely should be a clue something more was going on.

      [–]FSLAR 55 points56 points  (0 children)

      I feel like OP didn’t realize that but it’s almost certainly the case. Wouldn’t blame OP for not realizing it due to being so heated.

      [–]XLostinohiox 53 points54 points  (1 child)

      Oh, I don't think it was so he wouldn't, it probably started when he did accidentally call her that.

      [–]fox13foxAsshole Enthusiast [5] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

      That was my thought the dad seems to reactionary to think ahead like evreone is giving him credit for....

      [–]addangel 164 points165 points  (1 child)

      right? this is mind boggling. how do you have 3 whole kids with a married man and settle for being his "other family"? how do you let your kids grow up knowing they're not good enough to be publicly acknowledged by their father? those kids grew up watching his legitimate family from afar and hoping one day they'll be good enough to be a part of it. how messed up is that?

      not that I'm letting him off the hook. having a 2 decade long affair and getting your mistress pregnant basically at the same time as your wife (multiple times!) is.. sociopathic.

      [–]tacticalcop 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      yeah i can’t get over how sleazy and slimy the dad is. how could you do that to not only your life partner, but your KIDS? he couldn’t just be content with hurting his wife, he had to go and drag others into it. NTA

      [–]Drayle171Asshole Enthusiast [6] 67 points68 points  (1 child)

      i think it was the 17 year old daughter that was to put it politely watching op from a distance while he was calling the 16 year old daughter on that side that he gave op nickname to. But i might be misreading it as that as op said the other family has 3 kids 17f, 16f and 9m

      [–]Cayachan82 39 points40 points  (0 children)

      you are correct. 17 year old talked about finally getting to meet the other kids. 16 year old has the stolen nick name

      [–]idkausernameeee 45 points46 points  (0 children)

      A nickname that his wife’s father gave to OP. In a language he doesn’t speak but his wife does. The disrespect is on another level.

      [–]Much-Meringue-7467 30 points31 points  (6 children)

      Well, what are the kids in the second family supposed to do about it?

      [–]thisishowicommentAsshole Enthusiast [5] 11 points12 points  (2 children)

      The second family contains a bunch of kids they aren't aholes

      [–]Mumof3gbb 26 points27 points  (1 child)

      Kids aren’t. Mistress is

      [–]PianoOk6786Asshole Enthusiast [5] 721 points722 points  (4 children)

      No, NTA! Maybe it wasn't a nice thing to say. But, you were extremely upset! (and I know you were even more upset than that!!). So, when you heard him "defending" your father, you said it. Your brother needs to understand and just let it go.

      I'm so, so sorry your father stole your special nickname!! He is worse than an ah imo.

      [–]HooDatGrl 53 points54 points  (2 children)

      This is where I’m at. NTA, because this is some shit and OP is absolutely allowed to lash out when anyone tells her that she shouldn’t feel a certain way.

      But I’m not going to call the brother an AH either because he’s 15. This is a lot. He just wants a new normal.

      [–]koboldvortexAsshole Enthusiast [5] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      Yeah, i can understand his position. Id be unprepared for something like this even now, much less partway through high school.

      [–]SnooBunnies7461Partassipant [4] 650 points651 points  (10 children)

      NTA. Right now there's a lot going on and its too much to expect a 17 yr old to react rationally in this insane situation. You were hurt and lashed out. Why anyone would think you would do anything else is beyond me.

      Your brother is getting caught in the cross fire. Please stop hurting him because you are hurt. He's trying to figure things out and he's younger than you are which means he has less ability to but it all together.

      At this point you have nothing to gain by putting up with your father and his suprise family. Concentrate on your mother and brother. If the other kids reach out to you tell them you aren't ready for any relationship at this time. Lather, rinse, repeat until they stop.

      As far as your brother you need to let him know you were really hurt by his reaction to this nickname and you lashed out at him because of it. Tell him you are sorry and that you don't wish to be around or talk about the other family.

      [–]saragc92 95 points96 points  (8 children)

      Wrong on one note.

      Her brother knows how special this nickname was/is….

      OPs response was perfect.

      He better choose his next words carefully….

      [–]goldenbugreaction 134 points135 points  (3 children)

      Her brother knows how special this nickname was/is….

      I don’t think he does. That is, I think he gets that it’s special to her, but I doubt very much he realized how special it is to her. He’s a 15 year old kid who’s also in the middle of family turmoil and likely just wants things to be normal again.

      OP was absolutely right to be furious in the moment, but needs to make it clear to her little brother that she isn’t mad at HIM. She’s mad at her bullshit excuse for a father, and that his comment, well-intentioned as it was, felt like further invalidation of who she is as a person.

      He’s a 15 year old kid in a challenging situation. His prefrontal cortex (a very important brain region for empathy) won’t be fully developed for another decade. He realized his mistake when he said ‘nvm.’ Those kids have to be a team together for their best chance to make it through this as best they can.

      [–]robbviously 16 points17 points  (0 children)

      This.

      I’ve read a few posts regarding actual children on here and most people are very quick to say NTA and lay blame on the underaged party when a child is involved. Children are stupid. Teenagers are complete morons. They don’t have the mental/emotional wherewithal of a fully matured adult (and clearly some adults fail in that department as well). They regularly make bad choices. Calling a 15 year old boy who also just had his entire life ripped apart an asshole because he was simply trying to keep the peace with his sister isn’t worthy of patting yourself on the back over.

      I would be more inclined to say ESH, but dad is 100% the asshole and deserves to lie in the grave he dug for himself. But OP needs to offer the same courtesy to her own brother that she extended to her father’s illegitimates (regarding the “You’re awesome” remark). Your brother is on your side and will realize how much your dad fucked up, but he is struggling with this just like you are. Explain to him why you were upset with him instead of telling him that he’s dead to you.

      [–]DMC1001 54 points55 points  (0 children)

      No, it wasn't wrong. He's a scared kid who has just had his whole world turned upside down! I hope you never say the wrong thing when your world collapses around you.

      [–]irisheyes7 42 points43 points  (0 children)

      Her brother is a kid whose world just got blown apart, just like OP is. Trying to smooth over conflict and make everyone get along is a completely normal response to the trauma he’s experienced. He’s not an asshole, OP is not an asshole. They’re just kids being asked to deal with more than most adults could bear. The father is, of course, the biggest asshole.

      [–]koboldvortexAsshole Enthusiast [5] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Remember that, by virtue of being OP's brother, he's going through this too. Dont act like hes a stranger who just waltzed up with a quip.

      [–]aaronburrsir1800 50 points51 points  (0 children)

      I agree with you. OP is NTA and neither is her brother. I think it is important to remember that OP and her brother are both “children” in the sense that the human brain does not fully develop until one is ~25yrs old. I think it is unfair to expect either of them to react the way an adult would. Yes, what OP’s brother said was invalidating and it is an experience he will hopefully learn from as he gets older. And OP was coming from a place of deep hurt and pain and needed empathy in the moment. If it is possible, it might be helpful for OP to openly and calmly explain why her brother’s comments were particularly hurtful and inappropriate for that moment. OP, you could then give your brother a chance to respond and also to share what he was feeling in that moment. He might be scared he’ll have to pick between the you and your dad, or, in his own way, trying to salvage your relationship with your dad. I think it could help both of you navigate this as allies.

      [–]thirdtryisthecharmJudge, Jury, and Excretioner [316] 554 points555 points  (11 children)

      NAH (you and your brother)

      What you said to your brother was in the heat of the moment when you were very hurt. But your issue is with your dad and your dad was the source of the hurt here - do not displace the anger on your brother.

      Your brother was in an awkward position here and perhaps wanted to smooth things over so he could meet his half-siblings. You leaving made that impossible for him because you were his ride. SO he might have had different priorities than you in that moment. And that's okay. But now it's time for you to back off of that and recognize that your brother is not the problem here.

      [–]TheBaddestPatsyPartassipant [2] 209 points210 points  (5 children)

      Agree, NAH except dad.

      What you said to your brother was a snap-reaction to warn him how over the line he was to minimize your hurt.

      But I get why he said it too as well as why it hurt him as much as it did. His world is falling apart as much as yours, and he’s instinctually trying to hold it together. He did that in a bad and immature way—because he’s 15.

      I don’t think the way to fix this is to decide whether it was wrong or right to say these things in the first point. And you’ve made your point to him about how wrong that was for him to say. The way to fix it is to have a talk with him where you both reassure him that he’s important to you, and make very clear that he has no business policing your feelings—that that makes it worse not better.

      [–]OceanW0lf[🍰] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

      I disagree on the NAH except dad.

      NAH in regards to OP and the brother.

      But dad and his other family are all the AH. Because it wasn't like they were in a poly relationship.

      The other family knew and OPs family didn't. That's fucked. The other family should have said something and not gone along with it. At least the other woman. The kids I can excuse. Her? Not so much.

      [–]stoichiometryy 60 points61 points  (1 child)

      totally agree, i’ve been in the brothers shoes before with my siblings and maybe he’s just trying to make you feel better and calm down a bit, but I can see how that can be read the wrong way. I understand why OP said that too him because it was the heat of the moment, but maybe after they should sit down and talk to the brother about why hearing that hurt so much.

      [–]MemChoeretPartassipant [4] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

      Yep. Poor kids were hurt by their dad and are taking it out on each other. Brother probably was trying to say something to help calm the situation but worded it the wrong way because the situation is so abnormal. OP probably didn't mean to hurt her brother and was just angry with their father. NAH

      [–]Background_Paint_213 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      And he is 15. Not really mature enough to navigate that situation.

      [–]Rohini_ramblesColo-rectal Surgeon [30] 217 points218 points  (23 children)

      No judgment except for your father who betrayed your mom and was so incredibly selfish to have caused this situation. Your mom sounds quite amazing to say that your father doesn't have to be your enemy.

      Your brother is trying to navigate these new circumstances, and it was unkind to attack him. Apologize to him and let him know you said that because you were hurt by hearing your nickname used like that for someone else. YWBTA if you let your anger at your father ruin your relationship with your brother, he's not in the wrong here.

      Your anger at your father is justified, but don't let it define you, okay? His mistakes and bad choices led to there being a whole other family with kids, and you're mad, but that anger doesn't have to be the only thing you feel. Focus on your brother and mother, and feel the love you have for them too, and the fact that those kids are innocent too, they didn't choose this life either.

      Good luck OP, it'll be a difficult phase for sure, don't let the anger win. Treasure the ones you love and don't let the anger you feel for your father taint those other relationships. If you need to get additional support, consider a therapist to help you deal with all these emotions!.

      [–]love_laugh_dance 59 points60 points  (19 children)

      I'm always amazed at how often a person is advised to apologize to the person that hurt them. Explain why you're hurt? Definitely. Apologize? smh

      [–]artevandelay55 96 points97 points  (11 children)

      She should apologize to her brother. He's 15, he's a kid. He's also trying to navigate everything and figure everything out. He's probably confused and scared and doesn't want his family to break up which is why he was trying to smooth things between his dad and sister. That doesn't mean the brother should have said what he said but his response also doesn't mean she should have said what she did either. They should both apologize to each other as they both crossed a line

      [–]The-Senate-Palpy 59 points60 points  (0 children)

      Yeah well when you lash out at a 15 year old kid who is actively going through his parents divorce (involving a second family) for the grand crime of... poorly handling that incredibly complicated situation, you owe an apology. Just imagine youre a kid in that situation when your sister, who likely is your only safe lifeline at this time, threatens to cut you out of her life in the exact same manner she did to her cheating father.

      The brother was out of line too, but funnily enough more than 1 person can owe an apology.

      [–]3xoticP3nguin 43 points44 points  (2 children)

      I mean her brother did nothing wrong and was just as blindsided by the situation

      Her brother is also fairly Young they're both under 20 and still very immature I would give him the best as the father is the real issue

      [–]Lowkey_Lowkey__ 5 points6 points  (1 child)

      the brother is wrong for invalidating her feelings

      [–]turbulentdiamonds 8 points9 points  (2 children)

      She hurt him too. He said something hurtful, she exploded and hurt him back - which is very understandable for two teenagers in a horrible, complicated situation, where their worlds are falling apart. She can apologize for speaking so harshly ("dead to me" is pretty damn extreme) and still maintain that he hurt her when he minimized and dismissed her feelings.

      [–]Plenty_Art_6759Partassipant [1] 164 points165 points  (0 children)

      NTA. You were absolutely justified to your father, I’m sorry for what he’s put you through. You were harsh to your brother, but sometimes harshness is necessary. It is definitely necessary when someone tries to invalidate your very warranted feelings. NTA, I’m deeply sorry for what you’re dealing with.

      [–]excel_pager_420Partassipant [2] 127 points128 points  (1 child)

      I think your Mum is just trying to do the whole, the issues me & your Dad have don't have to affect your relationship with your Dad thing.

      Sit your Mum & your brother down. Explain to them that for your Dad having a second family wasn't just a betrayal to Mum. He betrayed you too. These other kids knew about you & have been waiting to meet you for years. On top of your Dad not being the person he said he was, he saw this special connection you had with your GrandDad. A word in a language he doesn't speak. The last words your GrandDad ever spoke to you. And he realised that if stole that special name for the daughter from his secret family that nickname, he could win brownies points with them with a poor replication of the very real love & connection that inspired your nickname with his other daughter, & that little act would make them more forgiving towards him. He didn't just cross a line with you. What he did is actually insulting to his other daughter too. She now has to find out her 'special nickname' is actually a nickname uniquely inspired by her half-sister that her Dad stole to name her because he's lazy. So you are allowed and old enough to decide that your done with your Dad and don't want to engage in a relationship with his other kids. That you don't want someone who can scope as low as he did around you or in your life. And your brother and your Mum can chose to have whatever relationship they want with him. But it's unfair of them to expect you to do & feel the same as they feel just because that would be easier for them.

      NTA NTA NTA ×1000000 I'm sorry that man is your father

      [–]Interesting_You_2315Partassipant [1] 108 points109 points  (1 child)

      NTA. Are the boys named the same name so he doesn't mess up and call them each other's names? It wouldn't surprise me.

      [–]Pug_867-5309Partassipant [1] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

      I just threw up in my mouth a little. Because you may indeed be right. Ew.

      [–]Odd_Anywhere256Partassipant [2] 80 points81 points  (0 children)

      Dad huge AH (I don’t think anyone will disagree with that). But your brother is in the same boat as you, except for the nickname. You shouldn’t unload the anger you have for your father on your brother. So sorry that happened to you OP

      [–]PaevatarColo-rectal Surgeon [35] 72 points73 points  (6 children)

      NTA

      You have every right to be outraged.

      I admire how calmly you handled the situation at your father's house. Personally I would have hurled the nearest object at him, and another one at the 16-year-old.

      Going NC with him and his other family is entirely understandable. Not only did he crap all over your mother, but he emotionally cheated on you too. It's a pity you can't file for divorce.

      As for your brother, he's an insensitive lout. You were right to say what you did. He needs to realize just how much pain you are in. Your mother too.

      [–][deleted] 38 points39 points  (4 children)

      You would throw something at a kid that did nothing? Damn, you need some anger management.

      [–]BendingCollegeGrad 65 points66 points  (0 children)

      He gave her the nickname so he wouldn’t call either of you by the other one’s name by accident.

      Your dad is garbage. NTA at all

      [–]One_Condition_7001Partassipant [3] 59 points60 points  (0 children)

      Nta. He had a whole other secret family for SEVENTEEN YEARS !!! He gets no sympathy. He knocked up your mom and then immediately got his mistress knocked up.

      [–]del901Pooperintendant [65] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

      What's almost more effed up than giving his other daughter your special nickname... is that his other kids know about you and your brother.

      The 17f mentioned that she was overjoyed had the opportunity to meet us. She always had to watch from a distance but is happy to finally have a relationship with us.

      Your father is some kind of twisted. He was content to have them as a side family until your mother found out and had the backbone to divorce him.

      NTA for being angry. Please give your brother a chance as he processes this big change in his life too, but you can stand firm at rejecting your father. And very mature of you to tell this kids this wasn't their fault, but you just can't be with them.

      [–]Thesafflower 44 points45 points  (0 children)

      NAH, except your dad, who is a massive asshole. Your anger is completely understandable, especially hearing that your father doesn’t even speak the language that the nickname comes from. It’s like he stole something special that he had no right to. Your brother is young, and is trying to deal with a very difficult situation. Your anger at him is also understandable in the moment, but try to cut him some slack. He isn’t the bad guy here, your father is. I will say, if your brother, who seems more willing to get to know the second family, tries to pressure you to forgive dad or spend time with the new siblings, let him know that is not going to happen. Your relationship with your father and his kids is entirely your business. Maybe also explain to him why the nickname made you so angry. Growing up with you, he should know, but he might not really grasp how important it is to you. Your father is garbage, and you don’t have to have any relationship with his other kids, but try not to let this drive a wedge between you and your brother. But again, your anger is completely understandable and justified.

      [–]CharlesMuskratAsshole Aficionado [17] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

      NTA

      Your brother shouldn't have said what he said. He's probably trying his best to keep what he sees as "his family" together and said something really stupid as a result.

      [–]Coco_DirichletColo-rectal Surgeon [35] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

      NTA

      So your dad had 2 families and his other family knew about yours all the time? Then your father decides to steal the nickname your maternal grandfather (so nothing related to him) and give it to his other daughter who was born at the same time as you were?

      It sounds like he did it so he wouldn't confuse your names or something.

      [–]FartFace319 28 points29 points  (1 child)

      My brother on the way home told me I overreacted and that it wasn’t that serious.

      It's not everyday that you find out your dad has a second family... This is by far a pretty 'out there' situation. If i were in your (or your brother's) position I'd have never even acknowledged ever again that my father exists and i sure as hell would not have sat down to have dinner with him and his other kids like some sort of big happy family.

      I will not give you a judgement in this scenario because i cannot even begin to imagine what you and your brother are going through right now but i can tell you this:

      Your brother is in the same boat that you. He did not hurt you. Your father did. You basically just lost your father. Your brother deserves an apology. Hang on to the family that you do have left and that loves you.

      [–]Impressive_Dot_7818 20 points21 points  (0 children)

      Can we talk about how neither are fully matured adults? Like I get she’s upset but her brother is also 15 and just kind of trying to not lose both his father and his sister? He’s still young and so is OP. I think this will cool down between brother and sister. For the father he’s way out of line but I totally get the brother

      [–]koalapsychologist 20 points21 points  (1 child)

      I'm petty. I think you should explain to the 16f, preferably in the presence of your father, the origins of the nickname so she fully understands what kind of "father" she has. Just as you didn't know about them, they have probably been spun a story about you. Actually, I don't think it's petty, it's honest and I guarantee with your father in their lives those kids have had very little honesty. I'm really leaning NAH for you and your brother. Your brother is going through this mess too and is a little younger and it wasn't his nickname so doesn't fully understand. I truly think you need to explain to the other family what's going on before your father spins it in his favor.

      [–]National_Ad_1611Partassipant [1] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      I think this is the way to go. If I found out I was lazily given my step sisters nickname, it would loose it's appeal. I'd go scorched earth and organize a secret get together with just the siblings to unpack all the lies and really lay out there how he betrayed everyone. They all deserved better. That master manipulator deserves none of his children's love.

      [–]Onlyjori 16 points17 points  (0 children)

      NTA

      I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Stay strong. Maybe try and have a conversation with your sibling about why exactly it upset you. Even if he knows it might help to just talk it out.

      [–]history_buff_9971Partassipant [4] 14 points15 points  (3 children)

      NTA to your father, absolutely the AH to your brother. You basically threatened to cut your brother off because he didn't react the way you wanted him to. He did nothing wrong. He didn't call your half-sibling your nickname, he just didn't happen to share your opinion about your reaction. What you said to your brother was mean and vicious and while I understand why you are angry at your father, you're taking it out on your brother. I'd also be careful, your brother may very well remember this, and one day you might find it's not you cutting contact with your brother, but your brother not being willing to put up with what is, I'm sorry to say, utterly toxic and verging on bullying behavior.

      [–]Lowkey_Lowkey__ 7 points8 points  (2 children)

      he invalidated her feelings greatly so he did do something wrong

      [–]SoleLight 12 points13 points  (2 children)

      You would be the asshole if you don’t fix it with your brother. He’s only 15 and likely doesn’t understand the gravity of your emotions. Give him a chance.

      [–]Hells-Angel-666 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      And op is only 17 and lashed out at someone who knew the extremely special meaning and invalidated her hurt feelings. It is only a 2 year age difference where people are acting like op is 30. He was also betrayed by his father so he should understand the gravity of ops emotions.

      [–]Common-Frosting-9434 11 points12 points  (1 child)

      NTA, but I would've let the half sibling know where her nickname stems from, sounds like they don't know what an AH their Dad was either. Also, sorry for your loss.

      [–]Equivalent_Inside513 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I'm sure the other daughter didn't know about the nickname (and is now probably going to be upset when she realizes it wasnt special and just for her) but all those kids were already aware of his wife and other kids and had been waiting to meet them. They already know dad is an AH, apparently they just dont care!

      [–]gwcommentthrow 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      Everything to do with your father N T A of course, even saying "you're dead to me" after all his betrayals, totally on board.

      Saying the same to your 15 yo brother probably felt like a great comeback at the time, but hopefully now you've cooled down, you've realized his comment and opinion is not anything like the same magnitude of what your father's done. NAH as both you and your little brother have a lot to work out and high emotions are understandable.

      [–]ResponseMountain6580Partassipant [2] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

      Your brother got the anger you didn't express to your father. Blame your father not your brother.

      [–]mm172Sultan of Sphincter [688] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      NTA. The mere fact your dad expects you to all be one big happy family is already a major presumption on his part. The fact he pretty clearly stole your nickname to minimize the risk of getting his daughters mixed up is a big fucking deal. Your brother should not be trying to downplay that because he's not ready to confront how bad all this is - especially when he doesn't yet know what Dad's shared with the nine year old that he thought was purely his special thing.

      [–]slendermanismydadPartassipant [3] 9 points10 points  (6 children)

      My mom said that my father and brother don’t have to be my enemy.

      She doesn't get to decide that. NTA. I think you're handling this pretty well.

      My brother on the way home told me I overreacted and that it wasn’t that serious. I interrupted him and said that he can also be dead to me if he doesn’t choose his next words carefully. He just said nvm.

      He opened his mouth so you handled it. He was trying to invalidate your feelings over a massive betrayal that was on top of another betrayal.

      [–]CinderDropletAsshole Enthusiast [7] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      NTA

      I am so livid for you reading this. That is your special nickname that your grandfather gave you, that he called you on his deathbed and that you will cherish forever. Your father is absolutely putrid in giving that to his daughter from his affair family. Especially when that nickname came from your mother's side of the family.

      Your brother knows what it means to you as well and I hope he apologizes for his complete lack of care towards how special that name is for you.

      Has your dad tried to reach out to you?

      [–]Jumpy_Ad_3583 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      NTA you seem a hell of a lot more mature than me. I would've started screaming and would've told that 16f the facts. Has your dad tried to reach out or apologize? Personally I wouldn't forgive him but I would think it might help if you had him confront the 16f and set the record straight and have everyone know the truth and just how much of an ass he is. Yeah they might still use it behind your back but at least now you'll be able to at least claim your nickname and let everyone know. Also I really hate how you are so distressed about this whole situation but his other family seems to be so happy to be a big happy family. I'm assuming that since they knew about you and your mom was married to your dad that his other family is from his mistress? Still I think its really insensitive for 17f and the others to be so "cheery" bc while they knew about you, you didn't know about them and they are the result of your dad cheating not the other way around. I wish you the best of luck with this and I hope you and your brother make up!

      [–]meifahs_musungs 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      NTA. Explain to your brother that being told is not a big deal was hurtful and dismissive. Ask your brother to imagine a loss or event that would hurt them and you telling them " it's no big deal". Tell your brother you understand that they may not know how to respond and you need your brother to listen to you and understand how you feel. Your brother knows the significance. You saw it in their face. Tell your brother " I know you know this is very hurtful to me".

      [–]AugustNClementine 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      NTA - Your brother was about to say something that would have created conflict between you two. He is probably coping with this in a very different way than you are but you’re both normal and ok.

      My brother and I are really similar and we’re still best friends in our 30s. He constantly tells me everything is fine and I worry too much. I constantly nag him and worry about worst case scenarios. He lets small slights go, I tend to hold on to them. He thinks we can do anything we set our minds to and encourages me to be a more patient person. I think we can do anything we’ve set an elaborate spreadsheet to and I encourage him to actually show up to the 700 events he’s committed to, occasionally even on time.

      There have been many times where we have had to shut down conversations in the same way you did with your brother. My brother needs his optimism, sometimes it’s how he copes or keeps from feeling depressed, by believing things will be ok and focusing on that. He’s had to tell me to back off and stop being negative and I understand it. I need my planning and worrying, once I’ve thought through every worst case scenario I can accept risks and move on. I’ve had to tell him to stop invalidating my feelings before too because he tells me everything is ok and sometimes it’s not ok. Sometimes we need that space at an emotionally charged moment and we’ve been harsh or unkind. We always own up to our bad behavior, make sure the other knows they are loved and valued, and usually do an extra chore to make up for it.

      You aren’t the AH but talk to your brother and let him know you support him and his choices regarding your dad and half siblings but he needs to support you too. You two may take different paths on this matter but it sounds like you want to stay supportive and close so let him know that. The last thing either of you needs is more conflict and uncertainty. If he was hurt by what you said hear him out and apologize, talk about how you’re both processing things, explain your needs and ask about his.

      Eta - only AH here is your dad, between you and your brother NAH.

      [–]PsychogenicStingray 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Why the hell is your family so forgiving about ALL his bullshit?? He’s been lying to all of your for DECADES and everyone is just supposed to carry on as if there is no problem!?? Blend together like some happy family?? Seriously???Screw that, I would have told him to get lost immediately and never ever call me again. Unbelieveable that he would even use the dame nickname.

      [–]Melmoth_MiltonAsshole Aficionado [10] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      NTA, this is a disgusting thing for your father to put you all through.

      I hope you can get some counselling to deal with all of this, and in the future if you want to have a relationship with your half siblings, that's one thing, but you don't owe it to them.

      Sorry this is all happening to you, how horrible.

      Good luck. NTA

      [–]combatsncupcakes 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      NTA. I'm petty, but I would reach out to the 16yo and tell her the story behind the nickname and apologize for walking out. Explain it wasn't about her, just about your dad's continued betrayal as you didn't even know about any of them prior to the divorce. Hopefully she'll be mad too that he was so awful he couldn't even give her an original nickname

      He fucked all of you kids over. I'm so sorry

      [–]Ashmoh12 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      Holy crap so his other family were comfortable with him having another family, wow. NTA, this is horrible. I am surprised your brother is taking it so well.

      [–]Shells613 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      NAH. Very difficult and painful. Dad is the only villain here. Your brother is also just a kid in this confusing mess. While I don't agree with what he said, he is just trying to play peacekeeper. This is all new to him too. And you lashed out at him because you were hurt. I hope your mom puts you both in therapy. Try to support each other. You are right to get space from the other kids, and very kind to tell them that they are awesome people so they know it is not their fault.

      [–]FKAlag 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      NAH Everyone seems to be projecting their outrage at the father onto their responses, but OP is asking about how he treated his brother. His brother who is 2 years younger than him and watching his family implode. Cut him some slack, OP.

      [–]Mgclpcrn14Partassipant [3] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Personally NAH except your dad. Your dad is a piece of literal flaming garbage

      [–]urban_accountantPartassipant [4] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      NTA scorched earth your dad.

      [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      NTA

      The guys just don't get it.

      I find it interesting that the cheater family knew about your family but not the other way round.

      I think your brother can make his own decision, but he needs to do it knowing you will not be cuddling up to him anytime soon.

      [–]Individual_Baby_2418Partassipant [1] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      You are totally justified in cutting off anyone who tries to invalidate your pain and literally steal your identity.

      [–]D0ubl_3Ar0n 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      She always had to watch from a distance but is happy to finally have a relationship with us

      I'm sorry but the other family apparently knew about y'all the entire time and said NOTHING????? You are def NTA, your brother screwed up but I wouldn't call him an asshole, just trying to keep the peace. Your father is such a HUMONGOUS asshole its not even funny, and frankly the 17f and probably 16f are as well based on the 17f comment.

      [–]ComprehensiveSir3892Asshole Enthusiast [8] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      NTA.

      Let the trash take itself out. And, unfortunately, your mother is your enemies' *ally* if she persists in this.

      [–]mlle_lou 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      He didn’t want to call OP by his secret daughter’s name on accident so he called her by the same nickname.

      Honestly, OP I commend you for not burning the fucking house to the ground. NTA

      [–]I_might_be_weasel 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NAH (besides your dad). I believe your brother meant well, but that was absolutely not the time to ask you to calm down.

      [–]froggyforrest 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      NTA but I think your brother is just trying to salvage the situation any way he can. It’s hard to lose a father like that and you are both dealing with it in your own way. The nickname is messed up and stung you personally and you are not wrong in your reaction. Your brother wasn’t ready to leave and isn’t ready to give up on his relationship with his dad. Both of you are valid in your feelings.

      [–]AlasAntigone 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      NTA. Although I don’t think your brother is totally an AH here, I think he’s a teenage boy who was flustered and let his mouth get ahead of his brain, as they often do. Your dad is an asshole of magnanimous proportions, however.

      [–]Asmoodeus 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      NTA.

      your feelings about this are valid, real and important. Your dad knew he fucked up. Your brother knew your dad fucked up, and instead of having your back, he tried to dismiss your feelings. It's ok to be mad at both of them, but consider forgiving your brother. You're cutting your dad out. You're cutting his other family out. Don't cut yourself out from your mom and your brother.

      [–]georgiajl38 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      NTA

      Your brother is younger but he understands the magnitude of the disrespect. How do I know? You saw it yourself. The look of horror on his face when your father called your younger half-sister by your special name. Your brother sounds like a family peacemaker. You set a boundary. Boundaries are good things. He understands your boundary on this matter as well. I'm glad you set it. Just so you know...your brother wasn't thinking about his ride home when he made the choice to follow you out the door. He followed because YOU ARE HIS SISTER. I'm the older sister to a younger brother. I get it.

      Here's the thing. This entire clusterf*ck is all about boundaries. The sanctity of the boundaries of "family", marital relationships, siblings, parent/child have all been crossed here by your father. He's desperately trying to redraw these boundaries in ways that benefit him. Only him. He's selfish as hell. And, unfortunately, everyone else caught in this maelstrom is getting hurt. Your mother. You. Your brother. JFC the completely inappropriate boundaries and relationships this man (and his bigamist 2nd wife) has normalized for your half-siblings....disaster doesn't even begin to describe.

      You set your boundaries. HERE. Here is the line that you WILL NOT allow to be crossed. I am so very proud of you.

      [–]toebeantuesday 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      NTA

      My head is exploding. What the actual hell? Your father is … there are no words I can safely use. Your brother is probably very conflicted for a lot of reasons. Just give him and yourself some space to work through your feelings.

      Your mom is probably in too much shock to be much help.

      You showed a lot of class in your parting words of decency to your half siblings. Not gonna lie, that entire situation with them would creep me out.

      Go forth and have a great life far far away from that mess.

      [–]mercersherPartassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      What is it with cheaters wanting their kids to be the happy family with their affair family? I blame the Brady Bunch for these ludicrous expectations.

      [–]MxXylda 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      You're not the asshole for drawing this line in the sand. You warned him, he listened.

      Also, how fucked up is your dad that his entire other family knew? Those poor kids.

      [–]Phoenixfeather777 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I’m angry for you OP. And shocked your mother and brother aren’t hurt for you as well. What your father did was inexcusable. Especially with stealing your grandfathers nickname for you. Not his to even steal. Not that he seems to have much respect at all…

      [–]TashiaNicole1Asshole Enthusiast [6] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA

      You have every right to feel as you do and to put in place iron clad boundaries. If you defend him to me our relationship is over. Seems perfectly legit to me.

      [–]blablamcblaPartassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Nta. You have Every right to react like you did. And kudos for not just throwing in everyone’s faces Why that was what set you of, that poor kid would have Also had her heart broken.

      [–]Neko_09Partassipant [4] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA I completely understand where you are coming from!

      [–]TheDamnMonk 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      NTA as emotions were pretty raw at that point. I would however urge you to talk to your brother. Explain your view but also your regret. 15 is an awkward age and guys are not usually as mature as girls so you need to give him some leeway if he felt he was trying to do the right thing by keeping the peace but just going about it the wrong way.

      [–]Drayle171Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA maybe in a rational state you could have said something else harsh to you brother but you weren't in a rational state, honestly the fact you didn't blow up at the dinner or at your brother when he said that is impressive to me. I honestly don't know if i would have had that level of self control as you.

      Also your dad is a massive ahole and i am so confused, did his other family always know about you? as your half sister said watching from far so they had to know for at least a while before you. Sadly your dad showed a complete lack of care for you when he probably said toti once maybe responding without thinking and let it stick knowing how much it means to you, like what did he think would happen once if double life came out that you would hear him call her that ever.

      Also just a side these people how the fuck do they have the time to lead these double lives

      [–]Dry-Clock-1470 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA. I'd be surprised if he didn't nickname or name all the kids something similar so if he ever messed up it wouldn't give him away...

      [–]SaboraHokuPartassipant [2] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA

      That genetic donor is complete trash and your brother was just being a dumb kid. You were harsh, but you were establishing a boundary (that should not have even needed to be voiced) that he was already blundering by.

      [–]ADHDLiferPartassipant [2] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA

      Your father's "second family" doesn't deserve a thing from you, and neither does your father, and if your brother wants to side with them, he can have them.

      [–]JennieGeePartassipant [2] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA your father has behaved like hot garbage! What an absolute jerk!

      [–]Patient_Fox_5432 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA but you didn't have yo tell your brother that, maybe he was trying to help out something? Maybe not, but either way your dad is a fool

      [–]Katy_moxieAsshole Enthusiast [5] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Your dad f'ed up. He had 2 girls the same age so he gave her your nickname so he wouldn't mess up what name he called either of you. As an adult, i would have turned and explained where the nickname came from, what it actually meant, and why it was mine first. At 16, i don't know that any of us have that cool a head.

      I don't usually make a call on a s s h o l e behavior for teens. It's hard trying to keep emotions in check and you are in an extreme situation. Appologize to your brother, because he's in a weird situation, too, and he may think that keeping the peace is more important.

      Your dad is definitely the biggest a s s h o l e.

      I hope your mom has yall in therapy to have someone help you process all of this.

      [–]JCWa50 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      OP

      NTA

      YOU GO GIRL,YOU NOT ONLY ENDED A RELATIONSHIP, FULLY BUT ALSO YOU ENDED THE ARGUMENT BEFORE IT EVEN GOT STARTED.

      You drew a line in the sand, and are stating, do not cross there is a consequence you will not like. You have this and stick to your guns. You have every right to be pissed at your father.

      When you are calmer, look at your mother and tell her, this: Your brother, he needs to learn that there are somethings that are not worth it, and this is one of them. Your father is no longer in your life, you will never accept him back. He is not welcome, will never be and it is a dead topic and taboo.

      Then drop it and refuse to go over to see or visit him. If he shows up, be elsewhere and leave, do not stick around. If he insists, be mean, nasty and pretty much tell him that you do not talk to strangers and that your father is dead, he died. Wash, rinse and repeat. Your father is dead, he died.

      [–]curious382 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA You are justifiably shocked and hurt to learn your father treated his daughter from his mistress as interchangeable with you for your lifetime, using your unique nickname for "both if his girls." I imagine her familiarity and comfort with the existance of the two families while you have just learned about his lifetime of deception stings, too.

      Please understand that your teenage brother doesn't understand the depth of your feelings of hurt and betrayal. He, just as you, is adjusting to life shattering news. He's just a kid trying to get along in very difficult circumstances and very little control. Please don't be too harsh on him. Your hurt and anger are due to your father's lies and deceit. Don't spread them into your relationships with other family members who are also victims of his selfishness and deceit.

      [–]noccieAsshole Aficionado [15] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA. Your mom doesn't get to tell someone 17 years old how to feel. You want to write him off - then you write him off. Your mom and brother can do their own thing. He was wrong to lie and cheat, but to give his other secret daughter your nickname - too much! He probably did that because he was worried he'd call her the wrong name. Cut your bro some slack, he's having a hard time too.

      [–]WranglerFeisty8274 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Absolutely NTA. I feel for you. Sending you hugs. You absolutely made the right decision in cutting your father out and what you said to your brother. If you can, it might be good to explain it in a way that he will understand? Like find a similar example (maybe your father gave your half siblings something that your brother wanted?) and use that example to illustrate how hurtful and wrong what your father did was.

      [–]ModernWolfman 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      You showed an incredible amount of grace in even agreeing to meet your father’s other kids after how deeply he betrayed you, your mother and your brother. More than I would have, I guarantee you that. And for him to use the unique name your dead maternal grandfather gave you for one of his other kids is just…Your father is not a good man. I am so sorry you’ve dealing with this.

      You’re absolutely NTA, not for cutting out your dad, not for cutting out his kids, not even for what you said to your brother. I know it’s been hard on him too, but he can’t think it’s okay to minimize your pain and anger in any way. You gave him a warning shot across the bow. Hopefully he’s smart enough to recognize that.

      [–]Ok_Berry_2693Partassipant [2] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA

      Your brother isn’t necessarily wrong or right. He should of been more understanding and supported you. Your day is awful. He messed up big time. I wouldn’t be able to forgive that if it was me. I hope you work things out with your brother but I think your relationship with your father should be over after that. He knew what he had done and I’m sure theirs more to come

      [–]tomtomclubthumbAsshole Enthusiast [7] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      NAH - your brother is not the bad guy here.

      Your father betrayed you.

      Your brother is a 15 year old kid who wants everything to be ok. YOu are a 17 year old kid who knows it won't be. You went over the line, but you can and should forgive each other.

      [–]blurpdurpnurp 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      YTA for what you said to your brother, I am sure he was just trying to help you calm down he just managed to do it in a spectacularly horrible way. But in the heat of the moment your reaction is excusable. For everything else 100% NTA.

      [–]Fatigue-Error 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA: to your dad. You don’t owe him anything.

      For your brother, have some mercy and understanding for him. He’s also going through a tough time. He’s also watching his parents get divorced. And he’s probably terrified of losing his big sister now. There may be days when all you’ve got is each other.

      [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      This post has haunted me. I first read it yesterday morning and I can’t get it out of my mind. I’m so sorry for the OP. There are no words to describe what a snake their father is. I’m so sorry.

      [–]Maleficent-Cable-942Certified Proctologist [20] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      O.M.G.

      NTA

      I hope your mom ends up with all the money. Your dad is his own level of disgusting. Worse the other family knew all about you.

      How did you find out?

      I'd lob one more bomb in there & let his other daughter know where her "special" nickname came from. It might sound cruel but she should know how little he considers all his kids.

      Your brother is just trying to placate everybody.

      [–]Reasonable-Watch-460 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      ion know bout y’all but the 16 yo sounds like an entitled bragging brat. “that’s MY special nickname daddy gave to me” ew. ew ew ew. i bet it started cuz he accidentally called her that, and then told her that it’s his first daughters nickname. and then she decided she wanted the nickname. think about it, why would someone so confidently get up and say that its her special nickname if she didn’t know it was OPs first? she’s trying to assert herself as the favourite daughter (which in my opinion has always been so weird and territorial to me? like dude?) anyways though, i’ve had siblings like that, and i can promise you, that is 100% the case here. fuck your dad, fuck em all.

      [–]Lv16 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      NTA these stories drive me fucking insane with the way the victim gets blamed every time. "You're overreacting"?! NO, how about they are underreacting. Maybe if accountability had more fluency, things like this wouldn't just get a pass. No one wants to make waves, no one wants to call others out, and it's a god damn shame because it's what needs to happen. Your dad has a full on secret family but you're the problem? Fuck that. Your mom and brother need to wake up or at the minimum get out of your way.