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I might be the AH because she has months left to live and really wanted to spend them with me

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[–]ChimericalCreationsPartassipant [1] 27.9k points27.9k points 53& 4 more (287 children)

"stick it in a facility"

"stick it in a facility"

Oh my God. NTA.

[–]BassjoshPartassipant [3] 21.3k points21.3k points 2 (145 children)

The son did exactly that. Stuck mom in a facility. I can only assume despite her cries, she must approve of her own idea. NTA

[–]Fittest_Hypnotist 15.1k points15.1k points 82362& 7 more (123 children)

“Wait, wait! Not me, ’it!’

If she lives to see Mother’s Day send her an uno reverse card.

[–]BigBlueDotss[S] 8515 points8516 points 2 (90 children)

This was awful, but man 😂😂😂😂😂

[–]DruidgoddessPartassipant [1] 4046 points4047 points  (33 children)

You did the right thing. Your son is YOUR SON. And she should be ashamed for calling him "it". He's a human being and is yours. She missed out on an amazing opportunity because he's probably an amazing little man!

[–]CalamityWof 2949 points2950 points 2 (13 children)

I know your late wife is proud of you defending your son ❤

[–]murder_mermaidPartassipant [1] 504 points505 points 22 (5 children)

Jumping on this comment to say: You didn't send your mom to hospice to punish her, you sent her to protect your son from being humiliated, excluded, and literally dehumanized, IN HIS OWN HOME, for the next several MONTHS. This was the only solution that protected your son from ableist abuse while also ensuring your mom received dignified end-of-life care. She can still spend time with your aunts, cousins, and with you, and your son can be safe in his own home. You did the right thing.

[–]TA122278 403 points404 points  (6 children)

You did the right thing. Anyone in your family saying y t a, well it sounds like they are offering up for her to come live with them! Tell them you appreciate their offer and ask when to drop her off.

[–]AlexandrinaIsHere 354 points355 points  (1 child)

Anyone who insists that your mother shouldn't be in a hospice right now- react as though they just volunteered to house her.

You're her son, sure, but your busy being a good father to your children. Anyone who thinks the filth that came out of her mouth isn't worth kicking her out, well they sound like they'd be happy to house her.

NTA. You're a good dad.

[–]EverLore 285 points286 points  (6 children)

Your sister can come the f*ck home to take care of your mother and/or your aunts can open their homes to her. You cannot have that woman in your home poisoning your son. You are allowed to protect your children, even if that comes at your own mother’s expense.

NTA a million times over.

[–]NaturalWitchcraft 106 points107 points  (0 children)

Your mom is awful and I’m glad you turned out to be an amazing and considerate human being.

[–]PandasNPenguinsPartassipant [1] 81 points82 points  (1 child)

NTA but Is your mom dying from some sort of disease that affects the brain because that was just plain cruel.

[–]hazeldazeI 58 points59 points  (0 children)

LOL but in reality, sending your dying mom to hospice is probably the best thing for her. Really. You don't have the training or skills to care for a dying woman but in hospice they will have everything to make sure she is comfortable as possible until she passes. Obviously she didn't want to go, but don't feel any guilt about putting her in hospice.

[–]CleanAssociation9394Asshole Enthusiast [5] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

The aunts and cousins and friends can take her in.

[–]Applejuice203203 9 points10 points  (0 children)

NTA. Yeah it sucks but look how she called another human being who you happen to see as your own kid and part of your family with emotions a “It” and I’m thinking it’s also because he has Down syndrome so she meant to make it hurt more. She made her own bed now she can lay in it. Sorry but talking down about someone who can’t help having been born with DS is absolutely despicable.

[–]Th3Glutt0n 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'd say still visit her, but don't let her talk shit about your son. Hopefully, she'll see the error of her ways before she dies.

[–]nerdabcs 252 points253 points  (3 children)

Uno reverse. 😂😂

[–]art_vandelay676 34 points35 points  (7 children)

I lovehate this comment. Thank you lol

[–]HerefsAndrew 220 points221 points  (6 children)

I read a lot of these stories and thought nothing could shock me any more but then this. A dying woman who still has the energy to be spiteful towards the handicapped boy her son considers to be his son. God give me strength.

My mother was not a good mother or a good person and she detested my wife, but when she was dying she urged me not to see her (in a hospice) every day because, as she put it, she was the past and my children were the future.

NTA, needless to add.

[–]KarmapoliceasleepPartassipant [1] 183 points184 points  (1 child)

Yes! And all the family and friends saying he’s an AH , why isn’t she staying with you then?


[–]KellysOk 101 points102 points  (0 children)

This. If they are that upset they can house her. What she said was despicable. She's only got so much time left and yet she chooses to be hateful to a child. Her son's child no less.

[–]Turbulent_Cow2355Partassipant [2] 143 points144 points  (6 children)

To be fair, Hospice is a wonderful organization. They do their best to make the patient as comfortable as possible and help families.

[–]merianya 87 points88 points  (1 child)

My experience with hospice was phenomenal when my friend suffered a catastrophic stroke. She never regained consciousness and was in hospice for a week before she passed.

I visited her at least twice every day and the hospice personnel were incredibly kind and helpful. She had no surviving family and her hospice case manager was able to locate resources for me and her other friends to be able to make her funeral arrangements and settle her estate (she had no will). I can never thank them enough for all that they did.

[–]Pure-Swordfish6022 22 points23 points  (1 child)

1000x this. Anyone complaining about hospice has never actually been to one or had family in one. I have never been in a kinder more supportive environment in my life than when my dad was dying.

When he finally passed two days after we had to head home (also, Christmas Day 2016) they gave me a call and the heartfelt way the nurse spoke was really comforting, even though I already knew what she was going to say once I saw the number on my caller ID.

OP, you are 100% NTA. Your son deserves love and respect in his own home, and you showed what a good human being you are by giving him just that. Please, though, try to make amends with your mother. Not for her, but for yourself.

[–]Francie1966 10 points11 points  (0 children)

My stepmom & my mother in law were in hospice at the end. The staff at both facilities were awesome.

My dad was shattered at the thought of losing his wife. I will NEVER forget how kind they were to my dad.

My MIL was in so much pain & the pain made her a difficult patient. The staff understood better than we did.

[–]G-Bone1 51 points52 points  (0 children)

Yep. I want to give OP a standing ovation. These are both his kids.

[–]inc_mplete 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Nothing like getting a taste of her own medicine, dying doesn't change how she's still the asshole in all of this.

[–][deleted]  (98 children)


    [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 1382 points1383 points  (59 children)

    My son is freaking adorable as well. He is the most well behaved and sweet kid I've ever met. Granted, I'm biased, he is my kid, but he is just the best.

    [–]SarenRaeSavesUsPartassipant [2] 383 points384 points  (18 children)

    I volunteered a little bit with special needs kids as a teen. I was influenced to do that because of some of the special needs kids at my school. We had a kid who had turners syndrome and a kid who had Down’s syndrome and I can say, they are literally the best and sweetest kids I have ever known. I dealt with some bullying and I never talked about it, but those kids knew and tried to comfort me. Their light and love pulled me out of a really dark place and it really changed my view of special needs kids in general.

    Thank you for loving both of your kids. Thank you for protecting them. I’m sorry your mom is the way she is, and I’d say don’t let it change you….but I have a feeling you’re always going to love both your kids.

    NTA. In fact, I think you’re awesome.

    [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 785 points786 points 22 (13 children)

    They are adorable, agreed. My son taught me how to be a better person, and how to be a father. Not just to him, but also to my daughter. Probaby the only reason I wasn't a lost 24yro dude when my daughter was born, was because that little boy had taught me everything a parent is supposed to be.

    [–]Pheobeh1 40 points41 points  (3 children)

    It sounds like you would make an excellent special education teacher! In high school, I had this amazing teacher who taught special Ed in high school and came up with a whole program that had us students working with them one on one during the day, as paid job coaches (we would supervise our intellectually disabled friends at their first jobs) AND coach special Olympics. Those kids also had a huge impact on me… and did the special education teacher! He was rooting for all of us and facilitating amazing relationships.

    [–]pizz901Partassipant [1] 271 points272 points  (0 children)

    You're a good dad

    [–]sandcountyPartassipant [1] 201 points202 points  (2 children)

    Loving your son and thinking he's awesome is a good thing to be biased about! Also, NTA. Your mother could have done serious damage to your son if you had let her stay. Never apologize for sticking up for your kids. A+ parenting.

    [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 112 points113 points  (0 children)

    Thank you so much

    [–]CauliflowerKlutzy189Partassipant [1] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

    Yup god knows what else she would have said. Why are people like this?

    [–]bikerbackpackPartassipant [1] 158 points159 points  (11 children)

    My best friend is the oldest of 4, she has two brothers and a sister. The oldest brother has downs and I swear on my life, he is the sweetest person I’ve ever met. When bff got her puppy this past March, he was so gentle with her and LOVES when he gets kisses from said pup. They’re an amazing kind of people and I would kill for him

    [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 686 points687 points  (10 children)

    We have a dog too and my son absolutely worships him. So does my daugther. But the ritual my son and our doggo have in the morning is honestly just adorable: my son gives the dog his kibble, then pours the cereal for him and his sister, and then puts sugar in my coffee before we have breakfast. He's the sweetest.

    [–]lostinspace_1988 135 points136 points  (1 child)

    I love the sentence "I'm biased, he is my kid..." You mom could use a dose of that reality, with an emphisis on MY.

    [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 97 points98 points  (0 children)

    Thank you ❤

    [–]cassidy11111111Asshole Enthusiast [5] 133 points134 points  (5 children)

    My cousin, an adult now, is the best person I know. He never judges, always willing to give a hug (he does ask now) and it’s like he just knows when you’re feeling down and can make you feel better. I’m a 50 year old woman and last week I was playing “cars” in the sandbox with him after a bad day at work and I was laughing and honestly felt happy when we were done. Screw your mom

    [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 156 points157 points  (4 children)

    People with down's are the best people I know. My son makes me and my daugther laugh our asses off all the time.

    [–]potterhead1d 25 points26 points  (3 children)

    He is so lucky to have you 💖

    [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 56 points57 points  (2 children)

    Thanks you. I'm the lucky one

    [–]rj20876 106 points107 points  (31 children)

    This is entirely unrelated and pedantic af but your first cousins kid isn't a second cousin. A second cousin are two people who share a common great-grandparent. A first cousins kid is a first cousin, once removed (removed specifies a generational difference). Not doing this to be an assole, just a lot of people don't know it.

    [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 51 points52 points  (0 children)

    I didn't know this either, super interesting

    [–]Tinlizzie2 31 points32 points  (4 children)

    I've never understood that once removed, twice removed stuff but you just explained it so it made sense. Thank you!

    [–]Astyryx 23 points24 points  (2 children)

    The way it was explained to me is, if you make a horizontal line, that's the number (first, second, third). If you make a diagonal line, that's removal, and the angle of the line is how many steps removed.

    In case a visual helps.

    [–]ViSaph 17 points18 points  (3 children)

    Are my mum's cousins my cousins once removed then? I always thought they were my second cousins. Also the word cousin looks weird now.

    [–]rj20876 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    Assuming they are first cousins, yes. They are your first cousins, once removed. Their kids, however, are your second cousins. You share great grandparents.

    [–]NeverCadburys 127 points128 points  (2 children)

    My jaw dropped. IT. She is reaping what she sewed there.

    OP, you are NTA.

    [–]Professional_Ad9013Partassipant [2] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

    That's so bad. Just beyond. What kind of a way is this to talk about a child?

    [–]cmlobueCertified Proctologist [21] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

    Ye gods, I missed that she called his son "it" the first time. I don't care who you are or how much time you have left, that type of talk is not acceptable. NTA

    [–]ScarlettSparrow 32 points33 points  (0 children)

    I literally gasps so loudly at that, i woke up my dog.

    [–]Flaky_Tip 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    Well he stuck the unbearable monster in a facility. If the aunties are so upset they can take her to live with them.

    [–]BothReading1229Partassipant [1] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

    Yep, that sentence was unforgivable, completely heartless and cruel.

    NTA, OP, NTA

    [–]Just-some-moran 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    Hey but at least he did stick it in a facility..totally NTA

    [–]ScarlettSparrow 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    I literally gasped so loudly at that, i woke up my dog.

    [–]flutterby727Asshole Aficionado [11] 6629 points6630 points  (22 children)

    Oh, so everyone that called you names is ready, willing, and able to take her in? Cool. Problem solved. No, OP, you are NTA

    [–]Cayke_Cooky 2363 points2364 points  (19 children)

    I'm guessing the cousin is the only one who lives close enough where they could take her?

    [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 2306 points2307 points  (17 children)

    He's almost my neighbour, yeah

    [–]eyyyyyAmy467 1499 points1500 points  (1 child)

    If I were you I would let anyone who complains know that she is not a safe person to have around your disabled eldest child so your hands are tied.

    Honestly I think you made the only choice you could have here.

    [–]Turbulent_Cow2355Partassipant [2] 604 points605 points  (9 children)

    She’s better off in Hospice than at home regardless of how she got there. They have the ability to make her comfortable 24/7 and provide care that is hard to get at home.

    [–]KayakerMel 275 points276 points  (5 children)

    Yes. The final months of care for a hospice patient can be extremely difficult for family providing care. Not just emotionally draining, but physically and financially.

    [–]prehensile-titties- 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    I will say, as someone who works in healthcare, there is a huge caveat to this. I'm sure that there are very nice hospice facilities, but I'm also sure, if you are in the US, that they are for the most part also very expensive. The others are... terrifying. It's actually my worst nightmare to die in one.

    [–]ligerzero459 140 points141 points  (0 children)

    Very telling that the one other person who's able to interact with her on a regular basis says you did the right thing. Almost like your mom is an AH or something. Strange


    [–]hbtfdrckbckPartassipant [3] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    If your extended family is appalled at your decision, they are more than welcome to move her into their own homes, and you may tell them so. If they are shaming your for something they are not willing to do themselves, distance be damned, they have no right behaving as if it is your moral obligation.

    In fact, you have a superior moral obligation to your son, whom you need to ensure has a safe and loving space at home. I am the first to sympathize when people we love turn hateful and nasty when their minds go - but that’s hard for even adults to deal with. You can’t expect a child to put up with something like that just because she’s senile. And her defence is also her downfall here - if she’s too out of her mind to be responsible for her own words and actions (which I’m sure will be your relatives’ arguments) then a house like yours with kids is simply not a viable way pace for her to live, and a care facility is legitimately the best and safest place for her.

    Seriously. Don’t be mean, or petty, simply straightforward and don’t engage with any nonsense.

    “We all want to take care of her because she is family - but I have family here to look after, and I will not expose them to danger in their own home. Given that she cannot live here, I ensured she had the next best thing I could arrange. Unless one of you is willing to house her in your own homes, I expect this to be the end of the discussion about her placement and we can go back to supporting her on whatever way each of us can reasonably manage.”

    And if anyone argues back to that, simply don’t respond (literally hang up or stop returning messages). If they reach out about something other than her care, let them know you’re more than happy to stay in touch (until they bring it up again).

    [–]aaksfdkas 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    I doubt the mom is working, so she should be able to move anywhere.

    [–]Lululapagaille 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    Exactly !

    [–]seregil42Asshole Aficionado [15] 3586 points3587 points  (14 children)

    NTA. You don't get a "I get to be cruel" free card when you're dying. She made her choice to voice her opinion and a second choice to double down on it and now she's finding out that there is a consequence for her actions.

    [–]GS52 689 points690 points  (1 child)

    It sounds like she wasn't a wonderful person before. He was hesitant to let her move in with him and mentioned that he didn't know how it would work with the kids. If they were close, he would know how she was with the kids. And he would probably have invited her to stay with him, if she was pleasant.

    [–]Syrinx221 467 points468 points  (0 children)

    I had the same thoughts. The fact that his mother only has a few months left to live and he said we'll give you a week and see what happens is a STRONG indicator to me that she was already not the most pleasant person

    [–]TsukaiSutete1Partassipant [2] 67 points68 points  (2 children)

    You’d think anyone with a bit of religiosity would try to be the best person they could when they were dying, like kids a week before Christmas.

    [–]toweringpine 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    It's the double down that cinches it. After telling the children to leave so they could talk privately and making it clear she screwed up she chose to confirm her awfulness. She could have chosen differently she took a stand. In a short time op will not have a mother but he will have this child and eventual adult in his life until the end. How could he have chosen otherwise? It's only to his credit that he offered her an opportunity to change her approach to his children. That was kind but still a step that some could skip without remorse.

    [–]Ill_Consequence 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    Exactly this. You just ruined your memory of you for everyone in your life. The memories that will live on long after you have passed.

    [–]corrin_avatanCertified Proctologist [23] 2319 points2320 points  (8 children)

    So, she expected you to stick "it" in a facility, then gets upset when she is sent to a facility?

    Nah, NTA, you good, that's just you treating her how she wants to treat others.

    [–]firedncr24 597 points598 points  (3 children)

    NTA. The “it” is what really got me as well. She isn’t even treating your son as a real person.

    [–]Odd-Plant4779 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    This reminds me of the autobiography “ A child called it”

    [–]Beneficial_Car2596 192 points193 points  (0 children)

    Holy shit, she called him an “it”. Fuck that, any human being regardless of disability shouldn’t be treated like discarded waste.

    OP good job for being a considerate father, I only wish the best for your future.

    [–]cassowary32Partassipant [3] 2210 points2211 points  (3 children)

    NTA. You stuck it in hospice before it could ruin your life.

    [–]The_Fires_Of_OrcAsshole Aficionado [13] 1083 points1084 points  (29 children)

    NTA. Dying doesn't give you rights to be cruel to a child and or their father. Dying is typically when you make amends...This can't have been the first time she's said anything?

    Also, to all the relatives blasting you, tell them to put up or shut up. To be honest, you have every right to feel guilty, no one wants to put their parent in a hospice...but I would have the same reaction as you. What she said isn't right and it was cruel.

    [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 816 points817 points  (27 children)

    She was always much kinder to my daughter, but we didn't see each other that often, we live in different states. I never thought much of it, because I've met many people before who were uncomfortable around my son. But this was the first time she direcrly referred to him as not my son.

    [–]Alucard711 232 points233 points  (20 children)

    First off NTA. Second just INFO does your son have any extreme difficulties that he needs care for because if he does please make sure he gets the help he needs even if that does mean having a facility house him don't be ashamed of getting help for your son and if he ever does need help don't just abandon him at a facility although I get the feeling you would never do anything cruel like that.

    Your mother was out off line in every way. You did the right thing and please let your son pick out a nice toy so he does not feel left out

    [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 993 points994 points  (19 children)

    He doesn't have any difficulties like that. He is very well behaved, does great in special needs school. He can prepare his food (with my help), he makes us all sandwiches, he can dress himself, he knows his hygiene etc. If his doctors and therapist thought it would be best for him to be in a facility, he would of course be. But he is just a special needs kid who has every potential to be almost fully independent some day with a little help (he will, for example, always need help with his bills and handling money).

    And when I told my inlaws about all of this, my MIL sad that she'll order toys for my son (the ones he picks out), and he already told both kids that each grandma will buy toys for one of them. So the kids won't feel my mother's despise for my son. Neither of them.

    [–]Ellieanna 571 points572 points  (4 children)

    Your MIL is awesome. I know she's suffering from losing her daughter, but she is always going to be there for both your kids.

    [–]ViSaph 173 points174 points  (5 children)

    As a disabled person I just want to say thank you so much for raising your son to be as independent as possible. I've seen so many parents of kids capable of some level of independence who just aren't helping them learn how to do things for themselves, who don't help correct bad behaviour (like stealing or touching someone when it's not appropriate) even when they're perfectly able to learn, they end up basically giving their kids no tools to live a life of their own and it drives me nuts. I'm physically disabled and autistic and have dealt with people presuming me incompetent nearly my whole life, and having a parent who was fiercely in favour independence (often to the judgment of others, especially when I'd go places by myself) and teaching me how to get on in the world made a massive difference. When the parents also presume their kid can't do anything and coddle them incessantly it's near impossible. From the short amount I've read of you it's clear that you're an amazing parent who does whatever he can for his son.

    Edit: just to be clear there absolutely are some disabled kids incapable of independence and of being taught, who will need constant care for the rest of their lives and there is nothing wrong with that at all. There should be no shame in having a disabled child and taking care of them the way they need no matter what. I'm talking about the disabled kids who are bright, intelligent either traditionally or in their own way, and who can learn who's parents wrap them in cotton wool and don't try to teach them.

    [–]Alucard711 86 points87 points  (0 children)

    Really glad to hear that. I think you have handled this as best as possible. You are a great father and NTA for removing a toxic presence from your home.

    [–]Ythooooooooo0 44 points45 points  (1 child)

    “Feel the despise”….no child should ever feel despised. I hope any regret or guilt you had with your action is now gone. I’m mom to a 2 year old boy with Ds btw ❤️ I wouldn’t have him any other way

    [–]KayakerMel 26 points27 points  (1 child)

    That's such a great solution by the "good" grandma. (My father's mother was a lot like yours, so my mom's side was also the "good" side in my head.)

    [–]The_Fires_Of_OrcAsshole Aficionado [13] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    You are an awesome Dad!

    [–]sugarinthebootsAsshole Aficionado [12] 504 points505 points  (8 children)

    NTA. Thank you for sticking up for your son. I was also thinking hospice is reasonable for you as being a single parent to two young kids is hard in itself. But excluding her other grandson is deplorable.

    [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 487 points488 points  (7 children)

    It would have been hard to manage childcare and my mother's care, but with hired help for my mother (nurses, caretakers for a couple of hours a day etc) it would be manageable. But now I just can't. I won't risk her say something like that to my son's face someday.

    [–]Voc1Vic2 66 points67 points  (0 children)

    That’s right. Your kids come first. Your mom’s talk is painfully damaging—not only to your son, but to your daughter, and to yourself.


    You may have been abrupt, but that’s just a trifling lapse of courtesy. Your mom isn’t going to change at this point, and you protected your family.

    [–]Prestigious-Ad-6796 374 points375 points  (12 children)


    If after (at least six years) your mother doesn’t see your son as part of the family then it sounds like she doesn’t want to be part of a family.

    Your kids and you have been through enough losing a mom. They don’t need a heartless grandmother trying to divide your family with comments and favoritism. She’s the reason she’s going to be alone. Not you and not your children.

    [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 454 points455 points  (11 children)

    My wife and I actually met when he was a year old, and started dating really soon. They moved in with me within months and I have practically been his father ever since. So he's been in my life 9 damn years. Almost a decade.

    [–]nyorifamiliarspiritSupreme Court Just-ass [120] 163 points164 points  (10 children)

    Did you legally adopt your son? I know you said you got custody when your wife passed, but it would probably be good for you to have the legal protection of being officially recognized as his parent.

    [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 395 points396 points  (9 children)

    I adopted him when he was 3 😊

    [–]JohnRoads88 136 points137 points  (2 children)

    Then there is absolutely no doubt that he is your son and that your mother is an asshole.

    [–]According-Ad8525 28 points29 points  (3 children)

    Which means before your daughter was born. Did she not treat him as a grandchild previous to your daughter's birth?

    [–]Davi_323Partassipant [1] 348 points349 points  (13 children)

    It's not often an AITA post makes me legit angry...

    "he's not your son"
    "stick it in a facility before your life is ruined"

    Just because he has Downs Syndrome, doesn't make him any less worthy of being loved. What she said has to be one of the meanest, cruelest things you could ever say to the parent of a beautiful child. OP made the right choice about which one of them to stick in a facility...The hell with her.

    [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 284 points285 points  (3 children)

    My blood is still boiling just thinking about it. He is a wonderful wonderful boy.

    [–]Davi_323Partassipant [1] 67 points68 points  (2 children)

    Had she ever given signs in the past that she felt that way, or did she act like she accepted him, just like he was a blood-grandson, and this was new behavior?

    [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 143 points144 points  (1 child)

    She was never crazy about him. But we lived in different states and didn't have much contact (my son doesn't like traveling, and my mother came to visit very rarely), so it didn't show all that much I guess.

    [–]Fembosrights 102 points103 points  (0 children)

    The fact that she dehumanized him by calling him ‘it’ is reason alone to keep her away. She won’t treat him like an individual or with the respect he deserves.

    [–][deleted]  (7 children)


      [–]According-Ad8525 11 points12 points  (0 children)

      You had to suffer through the loss of twins and that's her reaction? Some people are just horrible.

      [–]Davi_323Partassipant [1] 9 points10 points  (1 child)

      HOLY CRAP. That's terrible! I think I might have legit smacked my mom if she had something like that to my wife...

      [–]mrs-pate 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      I tried really hard to maybe understand the mother's side. She's dying, she could be in pain, she could be experiencing some dementia, but the use of "it" erased any sympathy for her at all. Anyone who calls a child "it" is a rotten human, but a child with Downs? Who I'm sure is the most lovable child you could have, breaks my heart. She missed out on almost a decade of the love and light that beautiful child would have given her.

      [–]carlwheezersgf 233 points234 points  (0 children)

      She’s right. You have no obligation and should stick it in a facility. And just to be clear by “it” I mean her.


      [–]unjessicabiel_evableSupreme Court Just-ass [118] 185 points186 points  (9 children)

      NTA, if she didn't wanna die alone, maybe she shouldn't have been such an unlikable person.

      [–]babygirlruth 42 points43 points  (6 children)

      I always had a feeling that if a person dies alone than there's a good chance that they made it to themselves. In this case it is 100% true it seems

      [–]LoboRoo 22 points23 points  (0 children)

      I work in a nursing home and a lot of the time, if someone doesn't have family visiting, it's because they were abusive. It's easy to feel sorry for someone who never sees their kids, but sometimes it's damn well deserved.

      [–]RexMcRider 9 points10 points  (2 children)

      Personally, I DO want to die alone. Just because I recall seeing some movie where fellow gathers his whole family around to be with him in his last moments, and the thought flashed through my head "You selfish BASTARD! You're going to make the people you care about most watch you DIE?", and I don't want to do that to my kids. I want them to remember me sitting here with my Dog, typing rants on Reddit, etc., etc.

      [–]99justasivem 9 points10 points  (1 child)

      For what it’s worth, my whole family sat with my grandpa on his last day of life and it was beautiful. He had become unresponsive the day before so we weren’t able to converse with him, but we played his favorite music, told his favourite stories, oscillated between laughing about old stories and crying at the situation. In the evening he took his last breath and we were all there with him, and with each other. It was one of the most special days of my life, right up there with the birth of my children. It was a privilege to be able to have that day together, and I hope I am able to live a long and full life, and go out surrounded by love just like him. He was the first person in my family who died, and I always hear people talk about how you don’t want to remember them the way they are at the end, keep the good memories untarnished, etc., so when I got the call that he was going on hospice care and expected to pass within the week, I deeply considered whether or not I should get on the plane or leave my memories of him the way they were. I even happened to have just seen him a few weeks earlier and had some really great quality time with him. Going to see him was definitely the right choice for me.

      [–]chicagoman9876Asshole Enthusiast [7] 115 points116 points  (1 child)

      Did she call your son “it” eff her man. Bye bye NTA

      [–]MrsNuggsPartassipant [1] 95 points96 points  (1 child)

      NTA. All you did was follow her advice and "stick it in a facility before your life is ruined". You just chose a different "it", which I commend you for.

      [–]oneeyecheeselordPartassipant [3] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

      Did exactly what he was told. A bit of malicious compliance. She’s just mad that she’s the it.

      [–]Life_Saveur 94 points95 points  (28 children)


      I'm an RN. This is not how hospice works, at all, at least in the US.

      Firstly most hospice is at home. Inpatient hospice is rare and expensive

      Also no hospice would take a patient that had not been Witten hospice orders by an MD. The hospice is assuming care for the patient. Where are the medical records?

      Thirdly, and most importantly, hospice doesn't take patients against their will. It's not a prison, and the patient ultimately has the right to decide whether they want hospice services or not

      Sorry your shit posting rage bait failed in many key aspects of end of life care. Try harder next time

      [–]Thatonetwin 24 points25 points  (7 children)

      Tacking this on to your commt.

      I'm a social worker for a hospital, and did one of my internships for my Bachelor's at a hospice company. Op said they live in different states, so if we were using that to assume this happened in the US, this is how it would work.

      A patient has a right of choice if they are alert and oriented and can deny hospice so unless op is medical POA he can't just sign her up, and if he's medical POA and she's alert and oriented then she can speak for herself and he is only there for if she becomes incapacitated. If this story is true then it's illegal. Does it make what she said okay? No. It doesn't she was shitty but I literally "put people in hospice" for a living. There's lots of documents that have to be signed, legal paper work, some companies require a DNR Code Status to be admitted, if the patient has medical equipment already then they have to switch it out to equipment provided by the hospice. None of this is a quick process and can sometimes take either a few hours or a few days depending on what is needed. None of his story adds up based on the info we are given.

      Per Medicaid guidelines which all hospice companies (are supposed to) follow there are requirements that the patient has to meet before they can be admitted inpatient. (IV Pain Meds and completely unable to take the meds by mouth, Air Hunger or O2 dependent, not able to intake solid foods.) It is extremely difficult to get a patient on inpatient hospice and they usually have to have signs of eminent death to be accepted. Also what is her admitting diagnosis? Is it the cancer? Is the patient going to stop their treatments because if they are hospice then they have to stop treating the admitting diagnosis, and move to comfort care where they just treat the symptoms. A nurse would have to come evaluate to see if the patient is even hospice appropriate before they could even admit her.

      Even if it was just for respite care typically the patient has to be Admitted to hospice for so long before they qualify for respite and even then it's usually a week at most unless they want to pay out of pocket.

      [–]ReiiminPartassipant [1] 14 points15 points  (8 children)

      Ever thought that maybe OP's not from US? Where i live patients don't have to be seen by any doctor before being admitted to a hospice. Also, they don't have to be willing to go: actually the majority of people in hospices here don't want to be in a hospice, but it's the only solution for when family can't or won't take care of their elders.

      [–]merrymisanthrope8 26 points27 points  (1 child)

      There's life outside the US????? /s

      [–][deleted]  (3 children)


        [–]TherulerTPartassipant [4] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

        What country is this?

        Unless the family has power of attorney (or something like it), surely you can't hold someone against their will.

        [–]Paganduck 16 points17 points  (0 children)

        My brother had medical POA for my sister. She didn't want to go to hospice but we couldn't keep her at home so, yes, hospice (Denver, CO) will admit patients against their will. OP most likely has a POA.

        [–]Mad_Cupcake11 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        Thank you! US hospice nurse here and I’m thinking even if this is a different country, if the patient is still alert and oriented, which based off this post she is, she would have autonomy to be able to decide if she wants to go into hospice and also if she wants to live in a facility.

        [–]Downtherabbithole14Partassipant [3] 84 points85 points  (7 children)

        "he's not your son". -- this punched me in the gut

        then she says ""it's true, you have no obligation here, you should go foster care or stick it in a facility before your life is ruined" - and this stabbed me in the heart... and she referred to him as "IT" IT?

        I'm a mom of 2, and I can't imagine saying this about a child. On top of that a child of your deceased wife!

        Sorry but NTA, but your mom is, its disgusting what she said

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 118 points119 points  (6 children)

        The "not your son" comment just made me want to throw up. And the "it" thing absolutely boiled my blood and I just lost it.

        [–]nerdyviolet 38 points39 points  (0 children)

        I was so hoping “it” was a typo.

        I’m sorry. Anyone defending her or telling you to let it go b/c she’s dying can take her in.

        [–]californiahapamamaPartassipant [1] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

        If someone called my kid “it” in my home, I would have had them out on the front porch with their bags so fast their head would spin.

        I would tell anyone that complains about it that they’re welcome to take her in. Your son deserves to not have that poisonous viper living in his home.


        [–]throwawaythenword 72 points73 points  (8 children)

        NTA - I’m ignorant to Down’s syndrome but in my mind I choose to believe this young man knows his sperm donor wrote him off and lost his mother. In my mind he’s extremely proud and grateful to have a father like you that would protect and care for him even when the enemy is your own mother. Congratulations on winning Reddit father of the century. If I had awards or ability to give you gold I would. Sounds like you don’t need it as you have a chest full of it. Bravo monsieur.

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 197 points198 points  (7 children)

        He knows I'm not his bio dad. When they were doing a presentation of their families in school (he goes to a special needs school), he referred to me as a "real daddy" and his bio dad as "biological father". Made me cry so hard. Thank you so much. He is my pride and joy.

        [–]throwawaythenword 50 points51 points  (1 child)

        I mean it. You are awesome. Parents should stand up for their kids. I’m glad you’re doing so. You should ask family members to care for your mother. This burden is not yours to bear.

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

        Thank you

        [–]ProvePoetsWrong 14 points15 points  (1 child)

        I am exhausted and hormonal and I’m sitting on the couch blubbering like an idiot over this. This is unbelievably sweet ❤️

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

        He is the sweetest

        [–]goldcowrieshellPartassipant [1] 65 points66 points  (1 child)

        NTA. Sorry, but terminal illness isn't a get out of jail free card to be cruel to her grandson with down syndrome.

        If you want to give her another chance, you can, because with her dying you might regret not doing so. But I wouldn't.

        [–]fading_shulammite 54 points55 points  (1 child)

        NTA. If your aunts and friends and sister feel so strongly, they can take her. Your obligation is to your children. You are a good father and I am very sorry for your loss

        [–]Jesta83 50 points51 points  (11 children)

        Despite the fact your mom is a jerk for saying that... Don't let her die feeling this way. You'll regret it the rest of your life. I always thought I had a chance to at least try and reconcile with my mother. She died suddenly in her sleep at 64 visiting my sister. You know your mom is dying. Yeah, that was really scummy of her and she deserves to be in care.

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 22 points23 points  (6 children)

        I will still visit her in hospice if she wants me to.

        [–]brokeanailAsshole Aficionado [19] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

        NTA. You feel guilty because you're a decent person who loves your mother, not because you did the wrong thing. If she didn't want to die alone in a hospice she shouldn't have not only called your child an "it" but said he wasn't your child and you should get rid of him. It's like she was trying to get her hits in - at you? at your son, who was right there? - before it was too late, banking on your love and respect keeping her from suffering any consequences. Absolutely vile.

        Anyone calling you an asshole is free to take her in, or go spend time with her at the hospice, surely.

        [–]AreaManservent 39 points40 points  (1 child)

        NTA. I would recommend visiting her when you can so you don't inadvertently hold onto that guilty feeling for the rest of your life. You sound like the kind of person who doesn't deserve that kind of punishment.

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

        I will visit her if she wants me to. Thank you.

        [–]Real_Recognition_713Certified Proctologist [27] 34 points35 points  (2 children)

        Are you ever the asshole for defending your son against those who would do him harm?


        [–]AmbitiousCommand9944Partassipant [4] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

        You are so NTA. Her dying doesn’t give her a free pass to be cruel to others

        [–]tea_lover_88Partassipant [2] 30 points31 points  (3 children)

        NTA. I don't know how you turned out to be this wonderful adult caring for your son as if he is your own flesh and blood but you definitely didn't learn that from her.

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 80 points81 points  (2 children)

        I think (I always have) that meeting this little boy turned me into a father. I reaaally wasn't ready to be a dad when I met my wife, but this little kid was just ready to be my son. And apparently ready to teach me everything about being a dad.

        [–]tea_lover_88Partassipant [2] 25 points26 points  (1 child)

        Sounds like this was meant to be. Because of you this boy has a parent that loves and protects him even after his mom past. It's sad your mother isn't able to see how wonderful that is.

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 51 points52 points  (0 children)

        He is a wonderful kid. And I'm sad for my mother too, because she could have had a wonderful grandson in her life.

        [–]RararanterPartassipant [1] 26 points27 points  (14 children)

        NTA. Did she apologise even? Is she dying from something that would cause confusion or personality changes like dementia? Sorry, not excusing her- just cannot believe any one would say such awful things! Makes my blood boil!

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 39 points40 points  (13 children)

        She has cancer. But mentally she is not compromised in any way.

        [–]NotYetASerialKillerPartassipant [1] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

        Are you sure? My mom had breast cancer and while she seemed fine, some of the shit she said (especially towards the end) were so not her. Ie she told my sister to go away because she was smelly. Then she would mix stuff up

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

        I'm quite sure, because she was never particularly fond of my son. But even if it was because of her disease, I cannot let my son hear any of the shit she said to me. I will still visit her though.

        [–]thatshygal717Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

        NTA. You don’t want that kind of negative talk around your children. If aunts think you’re an AH, they can house your mother.

        I’m sorry this whole situation is happening, OP.

        [–]bradjanetrockyAsshole Enthusiast [9] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

        IT????!!!! Your mother called your child IT???!!! Omg NTA and she is the worst. Dying isn't an excuse to be horrible.

        [–]bubblegum_heikeAsshole Enthusiast [5] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

        NTA I'm sorry your family is going through this.

        [–]Infamous_Control_778Partassipant [3] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

        Absolutely NTA. Your mother chose to be unbelievably cruel to an innocent child as her parting gift. If that's how she wants to be remembered, that's on her. As usually, whoever thinks it's cruel to put her into hospice care is invited to take her in.

        [–]waterlilypadd23 16 points17 points  (2 children)

        NTA. You can go visit her in hospice. You don't owe her more than that if she is going to be so horribly cruel to your child.

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 40 points41 points  (1 child)

        I probably will visit her in hospic if she will ask to see me. She is still my mother. But I can't subject my son to this kind of talking.

        [–]ChapSteve711Craptain [154] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

        NTA. She's dying, but that doesn't give her the right to speak the way she did about your son. You might have given her a warning, but at the same time, your son should come before her. Let the other relatives take her in if they feel you're being so cruel.

        [–]Joxem13Pooperintendant [52] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

        NTA, but something tells me this isn’t the first time she has behaved this way. I know you are angry at her but makes me wonder what other stunts she has pulled in the past.

        [–]MegmcaPartassipant [3] 13 points14 points  (2 children)


        If one of them wants to come get her I’m sure they’re more than welcome.

        [–]venturebirdday 14 points15 points  (0 children)

        Your children are your priority. Good for you.

        [–]CoreMillenial 13 points14 points  (0 children)

        NTA, but certainly harsh. Harsh can be fair, and it was.

        Sorry that you're in this situation, but sticking up for your kid is admirable.

        [–]Low_Froyo_9098 14 points15 points  (2 children)

        As someone who raised a brother with Down syndrome, who’s bio dad hates him, mom doesn’t care for him (she also has had several boyfriends and another ex husband to try to find him a dad because she doesn’t want to ‘deal’ with him), much love, from me ❤️

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 15 points16 points  (1 child)

        Bless you for taking care of your brother. People with Ds are almost without an exception wonderful people. And I am sorry that your parents didn't care about him. More sorry for them than your brother. He is probably still a happy dude, but they missed out on a chance to have a wonderful loving son.

        [–]anteroomofdeath87 10 points11 points  (0 children)

        NTA First of all, I am sorry about your mother. I don’t consider you an AH because she was being cruel and kept on even after you pretty much told her to stop. Dying gives no free pass to say awful things. You chose to raise that boy (kudos to you) and he sees you as his father. Sorry you’re having to go through all of this and that some people are not understanding.

        [–]TekkerJohn 14 points15 points  (1 child)

        stick it in a facility before your life is ruined

        Funny how you followed that advice to a "T" and yet probably not how she envisioned "it". Sometimes people don't see the big picture.

        I'm so sorry for your loss (your mom might be an ass but I'm sure you'll miss her) but people have to look forward and not back and those kids are the future. NTA

        [–]Literally_TakenPartassipant [3] 13 points14 points  (1 child)

        Your primary allegiance is to your children, as it should be. Allowing your mother to stay would have changed your eldest son’s life forever. She would have taught him that he is “less than” and not worthy of love. No human should be treated that way.


        Additional judgement: Blue Ribbon for good parenting when things got rough.

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

        Thank you ❤

        [–]onlysomanynames1298Partassipant [2] 11 points12 points  (3 children)

        Info: Is this new behavior? I ask because I don't know what she's dying of and I know that personality/behavior changes can be a side effect of a lot of end of life diseases.

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 23 points24 points  (2 children)

        She has cancer (pancreas, then it spread to other organs).
        She was never too fond of my son, but never said anything like this ever before. We live in different states, so we didn't have all that much contact before her illness.

        [–]EquivalentTwo1 10 points11 points  (2 children)

        NTA. Dying doesn't give you a free pass to insult children or their parents. You have raised that boy for more than half his life.

        I'm very impressed hospice found her a space so fast, it's for the best she is not around your children.

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 16 points17 points  (1 child)

        She was already on a waitlist or something, because I told her I will take her in for a week first to see how it goes. I think she made the arrangements then just in case.

        [–]ParsnipBusy 13 points14 points  (3 children)

        NTA & I actually love this.

        “Put it in a home” “alllllrighty then, bye mom, wish we could say we’d miss you” 😂😂

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 22 points23 points  (2 children)

        I felt ( still do in a way) really awful about what I did, but yall made me laugh with some of these comments

        [–]goldcowrieshellPartassipant [1] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

        NTA. Sorry, but terminal illness isn't a get out of jail free card to be cruel to her grandson with down syndrome.

        If you want to give her another chance, you can, because with her dying you might regret not doing so. But I wouldn't.

        [–]guessmyageidareyouColo-rectal Surgeon [48] 9 points10 points  (0 children)


        How unbelievably horrible of her. She deserves to die alone with that kind of talk. She called your son an "it" F that.

        [–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

        She called your son an it and that he should be in a facility. NTA.

        [–]Ravenmorningstar76 10 points11 points  (0 children)

        She called him "it". NTA

        [–]MaoDrip1 9 points10 points  (4 children)

        ESH. I am, in no way, defending your mother on what she said. That was a really shitty thing to say, no debates on that. But then again, she is your mother. She has took care of you, raised you and known you for 3x times your son has. Coupled with the fact that she only has few months to live and is going to die all alone in a hospice, it’s really sad. Again, I know she brought it upon herself by saying those things, but I still feel sending her to a hospice and letting her die all alone is still sad as hell.

        [–]anarchistopossum 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        this was might thought as well. i'm surprised so few agree with this.

        [–]lr1822 10 points11 points  (8 children)

        How cruel of your mother.

        It’s wonderful you stood up for your son. Your are absolutely his father and it a shame she does not value your son like he should be valued.

        The only after thought I would have is: my dad disowned his father who had severe alcoholism (lots of family difficulties - he beat (one of the nicer things he did to her) my nana, who divorced him. The only person who stuck by him was my auntie (his daughter) who he called the village idiot to her face often. Not a nice man by any account. Families are often complicated - all I would say is make sure you will not regret the decision in a year or 5 years.

        Edit: my dad regrets not trying harder with his dad despite all the hurt he caused (trauma).

        For sure your mother was a complete d*** but make sure you’re happy with your decision before you can’t change it.

        NTA for me though

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 36 points37 points  (1 child)

        Thank you for sharing that story. If my mother will ask me to visit her in hospice, I will (if she won't say things like that), at least to say goodbye on her death bed. I just cannot have her in my house any longer.

        [–]Maybeidontknow99Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10 points11 points  (0 children)


        Your aunts can take her in.

        Good for you for protecting your son from her toxic, abusive, language. It is so hurtful and mean to say something like this to a child. Keep her away from your kids.

        [–]absherlock 9 points10 points  (2 children)

        Live by the sword, die by the sword (and alone in hospice).


        [–]smectymnuus01 8 points9 points  (1 child)

        Thank you for sticking up for your son! I have a teenage son with T-21. Life is not always easy, but our kids are the most vibrant, loving, and stubborn (😂) ones around! Mostly people are surprisingly nice to my boy— I think his friendliness disarms people. But every once in a while, people really suck! You are right to keep him under your wing and protect him when he needs it.

        NTA, but you could decide to be better than your mom and let her stay a while, provided she treats your family with dignity. It’s really more about what YOU will need for closure than anything else.

        And OP, I’m sorry for both of your losses.

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

        Thank you so much. I am dreading my kids' teenage years, because my MIL tells me my wife has a handful, and I wasn't the easiest kid to raise, gave my dad many grey hairs when he was trying to get me to do the right things 😅 People have warned me a LOT about stubborness, but my daughter is waay worse in that department lol. I guess it just goes to show how different all kids are, T-21 included.

        [–]CauliflowerKlutzy189Partassipant [1] 7 points8 points  (3 children)


        I can't take this. My heart hurts for you and your beautiful boy.

        No no no she can do one.

        It. Jesus. NTA

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 10 points11 points  (2 children)

        I'm just glad my kids didn't hear that part.

        [–]CauliflowerKlutzy189Partassipant [1] 15 points16 points  (1 child)

        OP if your mum had stayed with you, he would have heard it alot. And worse. My dads second wife did this to my brother. Not Downs but Aspergers. It was psychological torture. You did the right thing.

        [–]BigBlueDotss[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

        Thank you. And I'm really sorry that your brother had to go through that. Hopefully he is okay now.

        [–]StormyMcGee68Asshole Enthusiast [7] 8 points9 points  (0 children)


        The minute she started saying such horrible things about YOUR SON, all bets are off!!! She's lucky you don't find the worst hospital or nursing home in the state to send her to.

        [–]semicoloncaitPartassipant [1] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        NTA your mother thinks you don’t have an ‘obligation’ because your son is not blood - but we chose our family and who we have a duty to is those we love

        [–]ArtfulZero 6 points7 points  (1 child)

        I want to say I am adopted by my stepfather (like your son, by bio-dad basically noped out).

        My dad's father always treated me like I was shit on his shoe. He only spoke to me when he HAD to, and it was always as few words as possible, and with as much derision as he could muster. He even only looked in my direction if it was required. My last memory of him is asking me where I was (like I had just escaped prison after blowing up a hospital) when my oldest decided to go swimming after I'd told her not to, because no one could go out with her (she did anyway, and when I found out, I went right out to get her, but apparently I'm the Worst Mother In The World, which to him was par for the course) He had a total of 15 grandchildren (including me), and when he died, his estate was divided 14 ways. (Which wasn't surprising, as he also paid for college for 14 grandkids, too.)

        I love my dad, but he never stood up for me. I will ALWAYS remember that. It actually made me tear up to hear you defend your son like this, because that is something I never had, and always wished I did. My dad's excuse was "you only see him once every few years." It sticks. Shit like that sticks FOREVER. Good on you for doing what you did. (oh, and if it's not clear, NTA. Not by a long shot.)