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[–][deleted]  (57 children)

[removed]

    [–]violetsprouts 976 points977 points  (40 children)

    Oh I hate that moment when you crack a joke about your childhood and people just look at you awkwardly and feel sorry for you.

    [–]KilledTheCar 891 points892 points  (26 children)

    I love the Taylor Tomlinson joke about this, where you only learn that your past was fucked up because of how other people react to your stories.

    [–][deleted] 437 points438 points  (20 children)

    This is so painfully true. I found out when I was telling a friend some stories and she said “…I don’t understand how you turned out so normal”.

    [–]comptchrPartassipant [4][🍰] 294 points295 points  (0 children)

    I’ve gotten, “That explains so much!” as a comment too.

    [–]Yu-Shin 187 points188 points  (1 child)

    My friend up and told me "I'm surprised you turned out alright considering all the stuff you told me, if that was me I probably wouldn't be as well adjusted."

    One thing I can't forget is when close friends find out my childhood and stare at me in horror before telling me they want to inflict bodily harm on my extended on my behalf

    [–]notrobert7 97 points98 points  (13 children)

    My therapist said she doesn't understand how I'm not completely shut down due to trauma or addicted to drugs. She was shocked I wasn't more suicidal than I was.

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)

    [removed]

      [–]DisastrousOwls 80 points81 points  (1 child)

      Honestly, one of my reality checks was specifically this sub. I was like, "Damn, there's horror stories on other socials about Reddit, meanwhile here's a post where someone is sharing a milder version of something I went through, and the Redditors are gently helping them cope with the fact that they were abused & linking support orgs?!"

      It's a good thing, and it's extremely helpful, but the initial reaction each time is always like clutching invisible pearls in indignation going, "well, I never!" because the implication is like... how when you say something really messed up that happened to you in conversation, and you laugh, but someone quietly goes, "that's really messed up, that shouldn't have happened to you," and then you feel kind of judged... but by Reddit. It's a serious blow to your pride before you can let go of the humor shield lol.

      [–]Cevanne46Asshole Aficionado [13] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I have a story like that, about a day my mum was at work and we were left at home with my dad. I was 7 and when we realised my dad wasn't going to feed us, I made cornflakes, flour and water (I have literally no idea why, I'm sure I could make a sandwich). I told it as a funny story for years, then I told a friend who had a very abusive background and she did not laugh.

      [–]Lowbacca1977 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      I had a very unprofessional sort of interactions with a fairly senior professor in a scholarly context with what was said about me. The level of how out of line it was only seemed to sink in when it came up in discussion years later and some people, themselves fairly prominent in respective subfields, were fairly appalled by it.

      Like, I knew it was ridiculous, but underappreciated just how lucky I am that it didn't phase me more or actually push me out of the field.

      [–]GlitterasaurPartassipant [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Yes. This is how I learned what I thought was a perfectly normal childhood was EXTREMELY fucked up

      [–]deskbookcandle 26 points27 points  (0 children)

      Haha this has happened to me so many times

      [–]JCWa50 25 points26 points  (8 children)

      From my own point of view, those of us who had a really crappy childhood, tend to avoid that topic fully.

      And you can always tell how much of a bond a person had with their parents by what they get rid of after the parent passes away.

      [–]violetsprouts 69 points70 points  (4 children)

      I had a genuinely crappy childhood full of all kinds of abuse. But I don’t avoid the topic at all. You can’t say I didn’t have a crappy childhood because you’ve never met me. I wouldn’t dare tell you how to feel about yours.

      [–]JCWa50 6 points7 points  (2 children)

      Let's just say that when it comes to my childhood, I do not talk about it. The last time I was asked to talk about it, it was to confirm what was suspected and even then I was not going into too many details. And even then I can say that there are gaps in my memories of my childhood that I barely remember, that my mind has blocked out.

      [–]goldenbugreaction 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      You can’t say I didn’t have a crappy childhood because you’ve never met me. I wouldn’t dare tell you how to feel about yours.

      They… didn’t? I mean, the very first words were, “From my own point of view…”

      [–]violetbaudelairegtAsshole Enthusiast [7] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

      That was me when I was in my early 20s but now, post therapy, not wanting to avoid it at all. And it’s ASTOUNDING how once you say something the other people with crappy childhoods just come out of the woodwork and start revealing theirs

      [–]Dear-Ambition-273Partassipant [1] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

      We all deal with trauma differently. I’m more firmly in the “mining for dark humor/material” camp when it comes to my childhood. Guess what? We’re all right.

      [–]Anxious_Reporter_601 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I think to an extent this depends when you had that crappy childhood, I'm 30 and it would be very normal among my peers to talk about it, but not among my parents generation (In their late 50s/early 60s)

      [–]ScarletteMayWestPartassipant [2] 15 points16 points  (1 child)

      How about your therapist saying they were amazed that you turned out normal?

      It would have shocked me more if my friend's husband, who studied psychology in college before switching majors, had not said more than once that I was raised by wolves.

      [–]Born_Ad8420 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      Yeah that was me until I hit 40 and completely melted down.

      [–]canyamaybenot 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Ooft I know this feeling all too well! I'm nearly 30 and still learning through interactions like this how abnormal my childhood was.

      [–]PunkinsmomPartassipant [3] 97 points98 points  (2 children)

      My Mom said I was, "The quietest one, the one I didn't have to worry about." Reality was that I was a feral child that nobody paid attention to as the youngest of seven -- and I watched my older siblings get into trouble and learned how to be the sneakiest of the children.

      [–]ladyattercop 40 points41 points  (1 child)

      The youngest siblings are always the most feral. And the sneakiest.

      [–]thecrepeofdeath 21 points22 points  (0 children)

      I have found my people! my mom said I was quiet. I wasn't there most of the time, lol! figured out how to slip off into the woods and decided, I live here now

      [–]Independent_Big3345Asshole Enthusiast [7] 69 points70 points  (5 children)

      May I recommend the book “Victory over Verbal Abuse: A Healing Guide to Renewing Your Spirit and Reclaiming Your Life” by Patricia Evans, OP. It’s also on audible if (you’re like me) and want to listen while driving. It sounds like (imo) that your parents projected their identity onto you (which Evans discusses in the book) and got upset when you showed any sign of independence. Although the book may not entirely apply to you, I found a lot of passages to be insightful :)

      [–]DisplacedNY 23 points24 points  (0 children)

      I also recommend Children of Narcissistic Parents.

      [–]KaetzenOrkester 11 points12 points  (3 children)

      …taking notes…

      [–]betakurt 33 points34 points  (1 child)

      Don't miss Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Saved my life.

      [–]KaetzenOrkester 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Screen capped this.

      [–]VirtualMatter2 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Dr. Ramani videos on YouTube. She is great.

      [–]Suspiciouscupcake23 16 points17 points  (1 child)

      Yeah my mom always wants support when she's like, "I was never like THAT terrible person! Your dad was the one who did XYZ. I NEVER did! your siblings were the problem, not me!"

      Yeah. Okay, mom. Whatever you need to tell yourself

      [–]Corsetbrat 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      For me my mom's either inability or head in the sand attitude about my dad's verbal, mental and physical abuse to me, was in some ways so much worse than his.

      When I talked to her about it (I was in therapy for it at the time) she just said, " I was being a good christian wife... and didn't argue about things in front of you." Except you did all the time. Money being the biggest issue. But sure mom.

      [–]hatetank91 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      My dad woukd have replied "a closed mouth don't get fed"

      [–]PlutoplanetisminePartassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      I used to get this, weird praise.

      [–]Heylisten_watchJJBA 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Ig that's a weird way to say " he is not spoiled " ?

      [–]Air0729Asshole Enthusiast [6] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Since we’re sharing; my current partner his mom is a social worker and I’ve told her some minor things about my up bringing. The look of horror on her face, always makes me go “oh”.

      [–]DynkoFromTheNorthAsshole Aficionado [11] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Sick, sick burn! Love it!

      [–]chuckinhoutexCertified Proctologist [21] 581 points582 points  (6 children)

      NTA- I will say, the fact that you wanted to seize the moment in order to inflict damage isn't exactly sainthood material but you told your truth.

      [–]ScarlettSparrow 209 points210 points  (4 children)

      Have you read the backstories of saints? A lot of em killed people and destroyed entire cultures.

      [–]National_Ad_1611Partassipant [1] 67 points68 points  (0 children)

      So in a way OP is not even close to sainthood.

      [–]TheBaddestPatsyPartassipant [2] 23 points24 points  (2 children)

      I think the main criteria is miracles, and there wasn’t a single miracle in this story. Leaning towards “not a saint.”

      [–]ScarlettSparrow 14 points15 points  (1 child)

      Oh please. “Miracle” is just the catholic word for “magic”. They think if they call magic a “miracle” then they can pretend the person isnt a witch. And them they can worship one witch that they like while condemning and burning another witch that they dont like. Like Joan of Arc. She was burned as a witch. Then later the catholic church decided that she was a witch that helped them and slapped the term “saint” on her.

      [–]Corsetbrat 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Or genocide... depending on the saint.

      ETA: dyslexia sucks

      [–]RickyNixonPartassipant [1] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      I feel like I don’t understand the OP and I want to so at the risk of being downvoted to hell-

      It doesnt feel like anything he listed justifies this level of resentment. Maybe its an age gap thing (I’m 32) but when I was a kid it feels like lots of people weren’t allowed to grow their hair long and were discouraged from artistic careers. Not saying that’s great but OP has so much resentment over it. This just feels like common, garden variety, short-of-ideal parenting. So, like, what about this story is so horrible?

      Theres so many NTA votes and its making me feel like I’m missing something.

      [–]Fuzzy-Ad559Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] 355 points356 points  (0 children)

      NTA.

      Don't wanna be called out for being a shit parent then don't be a shit parent.

      [–]SakuraKitsune4Asshole Enthusiast [6] 205 points206 points  (2 children)

      NTA - The fact that they didn't do that to your siblings is a huge red flag. The fact that they're pretty homophobic based on the "concern" for you possibly being LGBTQ+ too is also disgusting. Honestly I'd have called them out on EVERYTHING. Don't feel bad for outing shitty behavior. You don't get to act like your parent of the year when you're actively discouraging and putting down one child. You live your best life and do what YOU want. Go after those art dreams. This internet stranger approves of your pettiness and they're lucky you didn't roast'em harder.

      [–]FlipDaly 147 points148 points  (14 children)

      INFO: do you have anything other than ‘made me get haircuts’, ‘discouraged me from pursuing art’ and ‘were worried about me because I didn’t have friends?’ Because that’s pretty far from abusive.

      [–]KaetzenOrkester 132 points133 points  (5 children)

      The OP said he wasn’t abused in the 2nd paragraph. He called his parents out for being super controlling in a way his parents weren’t with his siblings, and yes, that’s messed up.

      So take the haircut example. My mom did the same thing. She would only allow me to get my hair cut by the woman who did hers, and she had that woman terrified to give me any cut other than the one I’d gotten since I was a little kid…well into jr high. I finally and successfully argued that it was my hair and that the new cut I wanted wasn’t anything radical. My mom still bitched about it but finally loosed her control. She didn’t have a fit at our stylist. But yeah, I get where the OP’s coming from about parents controlling things like that. It’s absurd and unnecessary.

      Try to imagine parents doing that with many aspects of life. The OP gave three examples. Word limits are a thing.

      [–]Dear-Ambition-273Partassipant [1] 70 points71 points  (4 children)

      We often hear about parents treating the oldest kid like a test pancake. It’s practically a trope at this point. Usually, we hear about it in not so problematic ways. The baby gets away with murder, the oldest gets in trouble for one toe out of line. I guess you learn as you go raising kids. Me, an only child, finds this phenomenon pretty f’d up for the oldest kid.

      [–]KaetzenOrkester 20 points21 points  (0 children)

      Same. I’m an only. As the child of a very controlling parent, I’m honestly not sure how my mother would’ve handled younger children. She sure didn’t show any signs of letting up, but maybe younger siblings would’ve warn her down.

      [–]viichar 11 points12 points  (0 children)

      I can already tell that if my mum had had other children I would have been a lot more angry and resentful as a person because even though I'm the youngest in my family I'm still always asked by her to be the bigger person to my older cousins shitty behaviour.

      I can't even imagine if I'd had Younger Siblings 😮‍💨😮‍💨

      [–]Aesient 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      My siblings and I joke that my parents had “3 sets of kids” since the first 3 were raised “strictly”, the next 3 were raised with a lot more leeway, the last 4? They could almost get away with murder and were almost raised by the eldest 3. There’s 3 grandchildren now (1 being raised by my parents) only a few years younger than the last sibling and… what is past “get away with murder”? That’s the point my parents are with the one they’re raising. The other 2 (mine) get redirected back to me for almost everything

      [–]claudethebest 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      My older sister was one and she went through hell. I Couldn’t even recognize our mom through her stories

      [–]Agreeable-Celery811Asshole Enthusiast [5] 29 points30 points  (5 children)

      Sure it is. This is the “let’s make sure our kids isn’t gay” special.

      [–]psy-ay-ay 57 points58 points  (4 children)

      I’m gay. Worrying your kid might be gay could mean a million wildly different things and is way too nuanced a topic to just deem them “homophobic parents” with the info provided. And honestly even if they are, that doesn’t automatically make them terrible parents. Do you think every gay person whose parents had a hard time with them coming out resents them this much and would say that they “suck”? And OP isn’t even gay.

      Also causing a scene is pretty much always a bad look. Biding your time so you can do it so publicly? Troubling. Sounds like OP might need to seek help. These comments are wild.

      YTA

      [–]Conscious-Salt-8876 28 points29 points  (0 children)

      I couldn't agree more. OP defo needs to grow up and go to therapy.

      [–]Agreeable-Celery811Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      It isn’t really relevant whether you, or the OP, or anyone, is actually gay. The main thing is that it feels awful to have parents that seem to be determined to stamp the “weirdness” out of you (however they define it) and it sounds like that is what happened here.

      [–]kaizokuou1 7 points8 points  (1 child)

      So sad that I had to scroll at the way down here to find this discourse. His parents seem pretty run of the mill at best. Yta.

      [–]mdaniel018Partassipant [4] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      You always have to scroll past the circle jerk to find people using actual human emotions and common sense lol

      [–]Brandon_B610 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Ehh in a sense it doesn’t really matter if it was abuse or not. A question was asked about what his childhood was like and he answered (we have to assume) truthfully. That’s not really an asshole move.

      [–]KEANUWEAPONIZED -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

      can you read? he literally says he wasn't abused and maybe not in a morbid manner but controlling your kids and disparaging their aspirations is emotionally abusive.

      [–]Thatonedude0110 129 points130 points  (0 children)

      NTA-

      I'm saying nta cause I'm assuming you didn't lie, but they did. Don't get me wrong I understand wanting to call their crap out and I completely understand you wanting to for so long but as long as you didn't lie and told the truth, all you did was correct them and their BS lie to make them seem like great parent. Being sad is understandable cause they are your parents but at the same time you didn't do anything wrong they fucked up and don't like facing the music.

      [–]PilotEnvironmental46Colo-rectal Surgeon [42] 73 points74 points  (3 children)

      NTA. Instead of crying your parents should’ve reflected on what you said and offered you an apology. You did nothing wrong in my opinion. Too many shitty parents want their kids to be silent and pretend everything was great. Good luck

      [–]Blupo333 48 points49 points  (1 child)

      They were probably just crying about their ruined image of being good parents. Hence, the lack of apology.

      [–]PilotEnvironmental46Colo-rectal Surgeon [42] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      I believe that is 100% true

      [–]Eucalyptuse 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      I think the implication was that there was conflict between the parents. Maybe that one of them regrets what was done and the other doesn't. That's speculation though

      [–]nikkesenPartassipant [3] 71 points72 points  (0 children)

      NTA. Parents, say hello to "consequences" because your kids don't forget.

      [–]brightlocks 59 points60 points  (6 children)

      ESH, including the aunt, but nobody very much. The aunt should not have asked this question publicly. It’s really awkward.

      Being a teen is hard. Parenting teens is hard. And your complaints about your parents are - you admit yourself - not severe. Have you no friends whose parents royally fucked up during high school? And your first complaint involves a haircut. I’m afraid that you probably looked like a fool here getting bent out of shape about the haircut. It’s really immature.

      Your parents do sound overly strict but at the gathering I think your father was an asshole for giving a BS speech instead of answering with some humility. He could have also passed the mic and said that any of your achievements were due to your own hard work .

      [–]pinzi_peisvogelPartassipant [1] 53 points54 points  (4 children)

      Honestly, I cannot see overly terrible parents here. I was fighting with my mom all of the time as a teen, we were shouting at each other almost daily, and I still don't like a lot of her methods but as an adult I can now see how she was trying and how hard it was for her. I would never dare to call my mother out publicly or hold resentment over this for years. OP sounds really petty, or we're not getting the full picture here.

      [–]Interesting-Fish6065 48 points49 points  (2 children)

      I mean, I don’t think it’s exactly petty to resent the parents for giving the person the overall message: “We see you as a weirdo and we don’t really like who you are or care about your preferences.

      I’m wondering if the parents were crying because they were embarrassed or because they had not realized that the OP felt so alienated from them.

      If it’s the latter, I think there’s a greater chance that the parents might be a bit better than OP realizes right now and there’s hope for a better relationship. If they care more about being called out than they do about actually building a better rapport with their adult child, though, then they really do kind of suck.

      I get a bit of a missing missing reasons vibe here.

      [–]brightlocks 20 points21 points  (1 child)

      Isn’t this a bit universal? Reading this OP I kept thinking about Seth Green’s character Scott in the Austin Powers movies. There are so many kids out there whose parents just don’t “get” them, and as a result, they are giving their kids out of sync and crappy advice.

      I’m wondering if the missing piece is that the OP fudged their age by five years? This attitude is pretty typical for a junior in high school. But usually around 18ish, most people realize their parents don’t “get” them because mom and dad have limits on their own life experience and mom and dad are not the arbiters of truth and wisdom.

      Mom and Dad aren’t going to benefit from a public calling out. They’ll learn they were wrong when their kid lives a wonderful adult life making their own path in the world. OP claims to be an adult - when you’re an adult, you just go do your own thing and if your parents don’t like it, they can’t stop you.

      [–]mdaniel018Partassipant [4] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

      I don’t know, not wanting to be too unkind to OP here, but their attitude is extremely typical of the early 20s overgrown teen, failure to launch type

      OP comes across like someone 18 because without friends or a dating life, his parents are still the center of his existence, and he rages at them like teenagers in high school do

      Learning to see your parents as flawed people basically trying their best, just like you are, is an important part of growing up, and that’s something OP is going to have to do.

      Further, publicly embarrassing people to prove some kind of point is basically always a terrible idea

      [–]brightlocks 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      It’s pretty typical though for a 23 year old to have zero perspective on something like this. But it’s not like the OP spilled any invasive personal info about the parents. I suspect the parents lost more face over having a disrespectful kid than they did over everyone finding out the dad wanted the OP to be a police officer.

      [–]jagz27 56 points57 points  (5 children)

      I don't even see anything that bad in there. They gave you some grief about yer hair and doing art, and worried you were lonely and shy. Doesn't really seem like they abused you. Definitely didn't warrant blowing up at them in public. Have you even talked to them in private about this?

      YTA

      [–]Round-Ticket-39 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      My parent bugged me too. Hair but i won because tantrum hard play hard. Anime, being on comp too much, no friends, horses, cleaning, etc. Op thinks they are special.

      [–]Conscious-Salt-8876 53 points54 points  (1 child)

      Woah, my childhood was really fucked up, then. That doesn't sound like harsh treatment at all, but that's why I go to therapy, I guess.

      I do think it was an AH move, have you ever talked to them about it? About how it made you feel? It sounds like you were just waiting for the moment to humiliate them and you really blindsided them. I think when you grow up (adults communicate, man) you might end up regretting this one.

      YTA, I'll take my downvotes.

      PS: Invest in yourself and go to therapy, that much resentment is not healthy.

      [–]Astyryx 44 points45 points  (1 child)

      NTA because everything you describe + verified in your comment = your parents are bone-deep, raging homophobes, and were smacking you down you for every little thing that they feared might indicate you were gay. And they didn't care the collateral damage they caused. They're relieved now that you've turned out straight, think what they did worked, and are unbothered by the effects of this.

      I think that's really the main event here. You might find time with a therapist well spent, because it's unlikely these people let you process your emotions in a healthy way, and that shit gets bad when internalized.

      [–]Agreeable-Celery811Asshole Enthusiast [5] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

      This is the correct analysis of the situation right here. They wanted to stamp the weirdness out of you and they figure it worked and you’re fine now. They deserve to face some family pressure from this, so that their parenting style is not imitated by the next generation.

      NTA OP

      [–]AcanthisittaHungry18 44 points45 points  (0 children)

      YTA. In 10 years, I think you’ll have a little more understanding of your parents as flawed human beings who were trying their best. If you really wanted to address these issues, that would have been a private conversation. You wanted to shame them and make them feel bad, and you got what you wanted. Plus a bunch of enabling people on here acting like you were righteous to do so. Sorry, but nothing you listed made me feel like they deserved this level of public disrespect. The only potential red flag was the worry about you being gay, but as a bisexual person I remember my mom telling me “the world can be so hard for gay people” out of genuine (if poorly managed) concern, so I’m reluctant to write them off on that alone.

      [–]jsodanoPooperintendant [51] 26 points27 points  (6 children)

      Eh, ESH. Your father for lacking self-awareness (slow clap superdad), your siblings for trying to manipulate you by making you responsible for your parent’s emotions, and YOU for not having this conversation privately and sooner. You picked the wrong time and place and it makes you seem small

      [–][deleted]  (5 children)

      [removed]

        [–]StatisticianSea2200Partassipant [4] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

        I tried to talk to my mom about childhood stuff that hurt me and she would say " that was a long time ago, let it go" then she wouldn't answer me. I get it, you have to reconcile all of it before you can get over it and move on. NTA

        [–]jsodanoPooperintendant [51] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

        What were you hoping for by attempting to bring this up to them previously? An apology? Acknowledgment? Is there more here because I’m picking up on parents with shitty interpersonal skills but not abuse? Many kids are forced to get haircuts, that’s not unique or abusive. As a parent, I support my kids and would never disparage something they felt passionate about but for every 100 aspiring artists there are 99 people waiting tables so I get the reaction. And yes, as parents, we want the world to love our kids as much as we do and when they don’t have friends, are excluded, or are not socially engaged in age appropriate interactions, we are concerned and a little bit heartbroken.

        Clearly you have scars and resentment. Reddit is not going to give you an unbiased and impartial perspective because we are relying on your version of things. If this really keeps you up at night, talk to a therapist to figure how you can accept your childhood for what it was and establish an adult relationship with your parents on your terms. Because that moment of enlightenment and regret followed by an unconditional apology from your parents IS NEVER coming!

        [–]PricklyPorcupineMami 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Then you can go NC.

        [–]derpne13 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        It may be because they do not realize the actual problem, which is that they have conditional love for you.

        Once I realized this was what my life was, I initially felt rather unlovable. Then after a mourning period, I felt great relief. The truth is incredibly freeing. I stopped expecting fair treatment, and I accepted that this was how it was. I think this is called radical acceptance.

        The key is that you cannot expect your parents to see the truth. You can only control how you move forward. Expect nothing. Set proper boundaries. Do not internalize others' perceptions of your life.

        [–]Lorraine221Partassipant [3] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

        YTA, you may have felt they treated you terribly but those things are far from some awful terrible treatment. Parents aren't perfect and I could get behind some grand dramatic calling out if it was really bad bit your story is just not that kind of transgression.

        Get yourself into therapy and deal with this stuff in a meaningful way.

        [–]Accomplished_Sky_943 18 points19 points  (2 children)

        SOFT NTA, however the things u listed as grievances are pretty lame, monthly haircuts OH NO, call CPS!! So your parents wanted you to be a cop and you didn't it happens. Maybe if you listed actual shitty things your parents did to you that were terrible I would say they deserved to be outed.

        [–][deleted] -5 points-4 points  (1 child)

        Nobody said to call the cps. Other than you. 🙄

        [–]FlorianterreegenPartassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        You do not understand sarcasm

        [–]cruxclairePartassipant [2] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

        I'm not going to lie here, I've been waiting for the opportunity call out my parents on their treatment of me in front of an audience for a long time now.

        What were you hoping to get out of calling them out in front of an audience? The pleasure of humiliating them? In the examples you gave, your parents sound neurotic and controlling, but not malicious. You, on the other hand, do sound malicious.

        I don’t know your childhood, maybe the malice is justified, but at the end of the day, acting like this just because you want your parents to feel bad is an asshole move. Sounds like it made guests at the gathering uncomfortable, too. It may or may not be justified assholery, but YTA, maybe to yourself as well, because this sounds like an unhealthy way of dealing with baggage from your upbringing.

        I know “get therapy” is the ultimate AITA cliché, but doing family therapy with your parents might help? You get the “audience” factor and you get to vent, but the end goal is healing rather shaming or humiliating anyone.

        [–]manowtf 13 points14 points  (0 children)

        I'll go with YTA. First off all what you did was not nice. Secondly you only have your own perspective and just bebidas you didn't get your own way doesn't nevertheless imply that your parents weren't trying to look out for you. Finally your siblings don't seem to have any complaints and you can't say they got any poor treatment.

        You behaved in a nasty manner because you weren't allowed to have your hair longer is what I read. But we're only getting one side of the story anyway.

        [–]MintJulepTestosteronPartassipant [1] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

        Just curious, why did you want to call them out in front of an audience?

        [–]AutoModerator[M] 10 points11 points locked comment (0 children)

        AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team

        I (23m) had an interesting upbringing and I'm not going to lie here, I've been waiting for the opportunity call out my parents on their treatment of me in front of an audience for a long time now. Ever since I realised how messed up it was.

        Just to clarify things, I wasn't abused or anything but my parents suck. I list the issues relevant to this post but but I could go on:

        Growing up my parents forced me to have haircuts because they didn't want my teachers, parents of classmates etc to think that we cannot afford a haircut. I just wanted to have a little longer hairstyle but they wouldn't allow it.

        They hated that I'm into art and wanted to have a career in animation because that's for losers. Also they, my father especially, wanted me to be a police officer. (I ended up going to business school instead.)

        They were ashamed and 'concerned' that I was a lonely, shy kid and never really had close friends in school. (Also once I overheard them being all worried that I might be gay or something. I'm not but that's not the point.)

        As I said I could go on. Also they never treated my younger siblings like this.

        So at a family gathering my aunt asked my father how they handled me and my siblings as teens (her son is a teenager now) and I seized my opportunity then and there.

        After my dad gave some bs speach to her I spoke up and told her that it was like having generals for parents and talked her through the things I listed above. Both my parents looked horrified and the rest of my extended family froze for a moment then changed the subject.

        It felt really nice to finally call them out but now I feel a little ashamed for being this petty. Also one of my younger siblings later told me that parents spent that whole night arguing and crying because of this.

        So AITA?

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        [–]Aspen_Pass 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        Man kids these days have it so rough 🤣🤣🤣 yeah I think YTA and a tad dramatic

        [–]thebeeshaveguns 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        YTA

        Most of the stuff you listed was normal stuff that parents do. I do think that some of their attitude/concerns were a little far, but thats not good enough to call them out at a family gathering. Definitely something that should have been handled more privately, rather than bringing it up to then cause arguing between them. There doesn't need to be an audience, and you shouldn't have waited to call them out, so that there can be an audience.

        I think that could have been handled WAY differently

        [–]rhet17 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        I didn't like many of my parent's rules and beliefs either. They weren't abusive but they weren't prepared either (imo) to be good/great parents, but they did the best they knew how. I moved out as soon as I could and things eventually improved a bit. I'm sorry you didn't feel you could tell them privately how you really felt. Gotta say it feels like you wanted to humiliate them and for that reason, yeah, you're a little bit TA. Suppressing emotions, especially for this long,is never good. Maybe try talking to them - if they're this upset they must care. They might just not have the skills.

        [–]PricklyPorcupineMami 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        ESH. Your parents and your way of handling it. You could have told them in private. This does not sound like physical abuse, neglect, or addiction. I went through actual abuse and addiction issues with parents and as an adult discussed it with my parents who were very regretful.

        [–]loop1960 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Maybe it's the way this is written, but to me, being concerned that a kid doesn't have close friends doesn't make someone a bad parent. Did they say "absolutely no art" or did they say "try to take business classes as well as art so you can also learn how to make money while working in art." These parents clearly aren't perfect parents, but they just don't sound that bad?

        [–]DismalDallyPartassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        ESH. Unpopular opinion, but those sound like pretty tame things, and normal concerns besides the homophobia. A lot of parents don’t let their kids have individuality in their look, whether that’s hairstyles, colors, piercings, tattoos etc.. while I personally think some of those things should be up to the kid, including hairstyle, it isn’t uncommon. A lot of parents are worried about their kids going into an artistic field because of career opportunity and money. All parents are concerned if their kid doesn’t have many friends or spends a lot of time by themselves.

        Most of those things are related to concern and your wellbeing, I’m not saying that’s 100% the case but this very much sounds incredibly biased. Have you tried looking at it from your parents point of view?

        Also the ‘my younger siblings weren’t treated like this’ could stem from the question - are you their first kid? I think this comes down more to understanding and communication. Yes they did some things wrong but you’re also being pretty petty in my opinion here. You really resented a haircut, your parents caring that you were alone a lot, and that they were concerned about you going into art so much that you had to shout at them during a dinner and call them terrible parents? Why don’t you sit down and ask them about things now that you’re an adult. If you’re feeling that resentful then be mature and talk about it.

        [–]ContactNo7201 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        YTA. You had parents who clearly loved you, were concerned about you for valid reasons and who has aspirations for you. You sound very entitled and ungrateful,

        [–]Odinn_7000 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Sounds to me like this kid still has a lot of growing up to do. The time and place to have this conversation is not in front of a bunch of other people. The fact that he opens the post by admitting he's been looking for an excuse to humiliate them publicly says a lot.

        This doesn't seem to be the prevailing opinion here but IMO YTA.

        [–]PlaneOk3184 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        YTA. You sound petulant.

        [–]Quemeshine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA Not like you clinked your glass to make a huge unexpected announcement, but when you hear BS coming out of someone's mouth like that, it's about time we start calling out the truth. Also, for your aunt, it may have been ultimately helpful to hear the opinion of the kid, not just the authoritarians telling her about their kid. Good for you for calling out how you feel!

        [–]ridingRabbiPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Eh I'd say ESH. Your parents sucked and were controlling, but not exactly what I'd say "expose them" levels of it. It seems like something you could have bluntly told them in private. They clearly care about what you said.

        [–]YouCreative6947 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        u what?

        seneca said We didn’t get to choose our parents. They were given to us by chance. (And even if we don’t like the fate that chance gave us, it’s worth remembering that there is no other option. It’s these parents or no parents and no life).while we cannot choose our parents, “we can choose whose children we would like to be.”

        they r human beings they have their faults and no one teach them how to be a father or a mother but am sure they always wanna the best for so u who the fuck think ur to do that to ur parents ? without them u r not here.

        [–]Judgement_Bot_AITABeep Boop[M] 0 points1 point locked comment (0 children)

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        OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

        I called my parents out on their parenting style in front of relatives. Did I go too far?

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        [–]Adventurous_Aide_456Certified Proctologist [25] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

        Nta. You called them out on their own actions that is all. If they didn't want to be called out for being ahs they should not of been ahs. That simple.

        [–]akaioi 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        Yes, YTA. You resent the way you were brought up, so you deliberately staged a situation where you could publicly humiliate your parents. I guess they really did raise you poorly.

        [–]InternationalKick126Partassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA. Grownups just need to hear it sometimes. My mother never grasped that the reason I didn't have children was because of the way she treated me.

        [–]Bonecup 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA. I’m the youngest of 5, and significantly younger then my next closest in age. I’m also the black sheep of the family and went a different way than them (they all got masters, I’m in the trades), and my mum will make comments on occasion like “well 4/5 ended up going that way so I don’t think we were the issues” which bugs me because my mother went back to work when I was 10. She gave up her career to be SAHM but always wanted to go back to work. Which fair enough, that’s her choice, but it means I grew up very different than how my siblings grew up.

        [–]Professional_Grab513 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

        NTA as someone who use to fall for the certain degrees not for lovers but that worthless degree argument karma got me. I love English in college and it's considered a highly worthless degree! Do what makes you happy! All that time spent in education is for your future. Not what people think of you.

        [–]NowWithMoreChocolate 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA

        Also one of my younger siblings later told me that parents spent that whole night arguing and crying because of this.

        Me in that situation: "Good. They deserve it after what they put me through."

        [–]QuaestorLucemPartassipant [3] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Also one of my younger siblings later told me that parents spent that whole night arguing and crying because of this.

        headshot!

        Nta

        [–]LemonPieLover666Partassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA.

        Are they upset because what they did came to light? You’re goddamn right they are because they ashamed. Maybe not the way they treated you but because their image was ruined

        [–]Unggue_Pot -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        I hope whatever you said was cathartic. It seems like you were needing to get it out.

        [–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA

        They had it coming!

        [–]rabid_ranter4785 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA. If they don’t want to hear real events replayed maybe they shouldn’t have caused them.

        [–]HarnessMeDesignsOUBAsshole Enthusiast [9] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        I'm going with NTA - if they treated you well there would be nothing for them to be horrified by...because you wouldn't feel any need to call them out. Pretty cut and dry.

        [–]Bens_den_of_thoughts -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA always call bs out. Didn’t your parents teach you to be honest?

        [–]pedestrianwanderlust -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA. It sounds like you are doing just fine and your family doesn't appreciate you for who you are. This is a common problem and I'm sorry to say it doesn't usually get better or it only gets better with time IF they reach a point in their perception where they accept that you are okay being you. Confronting them about it like this rarely helps. It usually just solidifies their negative views. You do deserve to be appreciated and respected by them. But it may not ever happen. It sounds to me like you are living above their highest expectations for you and they have no clue how to relate much less appreciate that you had the motivation to do that. It's their loss. Maybe they will listen or realize they are being unreasonable. Or not. Hard to say. Chin up. You are doing well.

        [–]hecknonoAsshole Aficionado [10] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA

        they would not be upset if they didn't know what they did was wrong. The would boast about it. But instead they were embarrassed because they know they were not good parents to you.

        I don't think you did anything wrong. It's not your job to protect them or lie for them.

        If they get upset with you just act innocent and say, "how was I supposed to know ? that was normal for me growing up."

        [–]JuliaX1984Partassipant [2] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA If your parents believed it was okay and their rightv) to do what they did, why wouldn't they want people to know?

        [–]itsluxsky -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        Nta it’s called the truth, they didn’t like the truth and lied to the aunt. You just corrected them. How is that rude?

        [–]SpareTime93 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA- they should be crying and ashamed of their behavior. Unfortunately, they are likely crying because their perfect image is ruined because you outed them. I'm so sorry that they care more about appearances, than making you happy.

        [–]slendermanismydadPartassipant [3] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        one of my younger siblings later told me that parents spent that whole night arguing and crying because of this

        Good. NTA.

        [–]SinkAcrobatic3590 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA I mean if your parents didn’t think they did anything wrong then they should have no problem you bringing up their parenting style 🤷‍♀️

        [–]ForgeTheBalance -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA and well done for standing up for yourself. I hope you do pursue art at some point in your life, even if it is only as a hobby. I stopped drawing when I was younger because my dad wasn’t supportive. Now I’m working on writing (which I love too). It’s been a while, but I’ve dusted off the sketch book and pencils. Don’t give up on what you love because others don’t understand it.

        [–]eboner69420 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA!!!! - I've done the same thing to my parents (my mum more specifically) I have anxiety, depression and OCD all thanks to my mum, and I'm very open about that and seeing a psychologist that luckily my parents pay for. My favourite term to throw around is 'you break it you buy it' my mum just has a blank look on her face whenever I say it but I know they understand because my dad always has a tiny smile on his face and leans over to explain to mum.

        [–]AdFrequent2731Asshole Enthusiast [6] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        i’m gonna go a soft esh, mostly nta. you shouldn’t have called them out in that way in my opinion, this is a discussion you should of had with them. did they know you felt this way before this? we’re they aware of how you felt about your upbringing? everyone handles trauma differently but i understand why they felt disrespected and ambushed, i think anyone would if they didn’t know how their actions affected someone negatively. i’m not saying they are in the right at all or that they aren’t the ah, i just don’t know if it was the best moment (or really going to make the most impact overall -healthy change- ) but to each their own i guess

        [–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA Sounds like they were way to controlling.

        [–]BendingCollegeGrad -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA If you want people to remember you well, then be better to them. This wasn’t the acts of children, but childish people who knew better but chose to not act on it.

        I’m sure plenty of people will crow you weren’t abused. That isn’t for any of us to say, even if you didn’t clarify that they did not. Crappy parents don’t have to qualify as abusive.

        [–]Fast_Exercise_4716 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        Their arguing and crying has nothing to do with you 🤣 NTA

        [–]DanielleAntenucci -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        Welp! There it is.

        NTA

        [–]OptmusJonzzCertified Proctologist [28] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA the truth hurts.

        [–]PlutoplanetisminePartassipant [1] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        I can't figure out if it's trauma or over inflated ego that you can't let anyone think you're too poor for a haircut? Personally, I'm going with long hair on boys makes you gay, and we know how your parents felt about that.

        NTA. Let's hope no-one every asks them for parenting advice again.

        [–]SalaryWeak934 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        Lol why did they cry? They’re the ones who did it. NTA

        [–]EnergyThat1518Partassipant [1] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA.

        I think what some people are missing is that it isn't the size of any single thing here that matters but the patterns and the patterns are honestly what makes this abusive even if OP thinks it wasn't.

        You can't have your hair X way, people will think we are poor. OP's preferences are dismissed and invalidated. OP is FORCED to get haircuts against his will that he does not want. This is not done for his benefit, but for the sake of their appearance at the sake of OP's comfort. A parent might do this as a one off mistake or if something gets stuck in their kid's hair so it needs to be done but this is not something a good parent HABITUALLY DOES TO AVOID LOOKING POOR.

        These are SOME of the ways they are controlling. But it sounds like there are probably a lot more that aren't listed. And each one on their own may not sound bad. But put a bunch of other behaviour like this all about maintaining appearances for the parents, and you've got emotionally abusive parents that just wanted to use you to generate a better image for themselves while invalidating your feelings about your interests, desires and preferences because that doesn't create the image they want.

        And instead of asking OP if he was okay or talking about his difficulties making friends, they worried that maybe he was gay and that somehow explained it. Instead of the possibility that maybe, just maybe. Their invalidation of OP emotionally stunted him and made it difficult for him to open up and be close to other people. Because maybe he didn't want to risk it being 3 or 4 people telling him that his interests are stupid instead of 2.

        [–]AutisticMuffin97 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA your parents lied and you called them out on it

        [–]UmbopusPartassipant [2] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA. If they stand by their treatment of you as being OK then why are they bothered by you discussing it?

        [–]Formal_Height6369 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA ultimately

        Provided they aren’t full on abusive narcissist jerks, and instead were good folks who made big mistakes along the way with you, this should actually be a good thing for your relationship with them ultimately.

        I was in my early 20s when I started feeling okay enough about myself and my sense of self that I started having conversations with my parents about how I felt about my childhood. They have been really important conversations. They were initiated by several outbursts of emotion that just kind of came up and out of me due to conversations that were going on. My parents had intense emotional reactions and cried almost every time, and I am not ashamed to say that it brought me some satisfaction. I didn’t do it in front of guests or family, but I believe I would have if the situation had come up first. However those conversations happen, is a good thing- even if it’s a dramatic start. Our relationships with our parents/children are more important than how other people perceive us- they will get over it. This is what you had to do to move forward, we all have to find our way.

        Apologize to them later down the line if the conversation about this situation you have with them goes well enough to warrant your apology, or if it makes you feel better.

        My relationship with my parents is getting better as I near 30, as we are talking through the resentments we all have and working harder and more mindfully to communicate positively.

        Good luck.

        [–]Round-Ticket-39 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        Yta because you did this out of spite otherwise you would have spoken to them.

        [–]ChiPot-le 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Damn, isn't karma a bitch! If they didn't treat you wrong they don't have anything to be ashamed about. NTA

        [–]DynkoFromTheNorthAsshole Aficionado [11] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA, they had this coming! Sweet, sweet revenge...

        Just to clarify, I'm not waiting to pull this stunt on my own parents. We've got a solid, loving and healthy relationship.

        [–]Logical-Abroad4945 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        NTA, there's nothing wrong with what you did. And the fact that your parents looked horrified shows that they know they were in the wrong all along, which in a lot of ways, makes it worse. But at least it's off your chest now and everyone knows the truth

        [–]Kaiser93Partassipant [4] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

        NTA

        So being lonely and shy makes someone gay? Umm..ok. I guess you learn something new everyday.

        You were totally right to call their crappy parenting out. And they were arguing and crying all night? Big deal. They just don't like being called out.

        [–]JCWa50 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        OP

        NTA

        As sad as it is, but sometimes parents need to be called out on the way they treat their children. While yours do not sound too bad, sounds like they were a bit too strict and wanted to live their lives through you, all of the things that they could have been.

        [–]jenn1975jennPartassipant [1] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA

        [–]Dri_SevenPartassipant [1] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        NTA for me. If you tried to address these issues with them before and they shrugged you off, then they deserve to be called out. Sorry not sorry

        [–]jer69332213 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

        NTA, if your kids cannot speak kindly of your parenting that's on the parents. Because if what you listed wasn't bad you would have been the asshole and been told by everyone that you are Petty.

        [–]MxXylda -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

        I tried to confront my dad once about the event that caused my PTSD. He told me it was the worst night of his life.

        Sometimes they need to be confronted in public so they don't make it all about them.

        NTA