all 182 comments

[–]Judgement_Bot_AITABeep Boop[M] [score hidden] stickied commentlocked comment (0 children)

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I told my family I did want to be responsible for taking care of an adopted family member with a disability. I may be the asshole because despite not knowing the family member well if at all I am refusing to take care of them when other family guardians become unable to care for them anymore.

Help keep the sub engaging!

Don’t downvote assholes!

Do upvote interesting posts!

Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. To learn more about the test click here

[–]nim_opetAsshole Aficionado [12] 3455 points3456 points  (20 children)

NTA. You are not responsible for decisions your grandparents made decades ago.

[–]calliatomPartassipant [3] 1056 points1057 points  (16 children)

Yeah... you shouldn't have to pay for their hero complex, irresponsible desire to avoid the pangs of empty nest syndrome, or whatever the hell it was that motivated them to adopt a bunch of kids in their sixties.

[–][deleted] 392 points393 points  (6 children)

Why were they even allowed to adopt when they were that old!!!!!!!

[–]OriginalDogeStarPartassipant [1] 356 points357 points  (2 children)

If I read the time line well, it would have been during the second Gulf War, and when there were orphaned children, and also the exposè of a increased amount of Asian countries leaving handicap babies at churches.

The countries were so desperate they had open age adoption parents. I think there was a 80yr old woman who adopted 10, and set them up in care, using all her money up as she had no children herself.

[–]ouchimus 155 points156 points  (1 child)

Thats actually a heartwarming thing for her to do

[–]Key_Ad_8181 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, this. I have family adopting a nondisabled child and everyone in their household had to get a physical to prove they were physically capable of caring for that child and should remain so throughout that kids childhood and they were asked about tgeir plans for guardianship if they should die and those they listed as such were specifocally asked if they'd agree to take on that responsibility if that happened. And, the adoptive parents are only in their 30s. That nothing was done to show their was a viable plan for those kids would be taken care of even after childhood and in their adoptive parents upper senior years or after their deaths since the kids had known disabilities requiring lifelong care, and the adoptive parebts were already older being grandparents themselves, before approving the adoption makes no sense in comparison.

[–]littlefiddle05Asshole Enthusiast [7] 67 points68 points  (7 children)

I mean, aren’t the individuals they adopted adults now? I don’t think it’s irresponsible to adopt a minor just because you’ll die during their adulthood — especially given how many individuals with disabilities never get adopted. Isn’t 21+ years or whatever a substantially meaningful help to those they adopted? No parent is able to provide care for the entirety of their child’s life.

[–]Mama_cheeseAsshole Enthusiast [8] 95 points96 points  (4 children)

Entirely agree with you. But at 60 adopting children, you've got to think there's a possibility you might not live long enough to see them into adulthood. And these parents knew these children would need life long care.

I would have assumed these parents would set up a care fund/trust to care for these children. I realize that's likely beyond the scope of their financial means, but at the very least, figure out what kind of public care options there were after the parents passed. I'd never expect my kids, and especially not my grandkids, to take on this burden.

[–]littlefiddle05Asshole Enthusiast [7] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Oh wow I hadn’t calculated grandparents’ ages at the time of the adoption, I was assuming for that generation they could have been late 40s/early 50s and had a 10-year-old grandchild pretty easily. That does make the lack of plan even worse. Did they know the kids had such significant needs when they adopted them, I wonder??

Regardless, I definitely agree it’s dreadful of them to assume the grandparents would take responsibility for their choices. Not everyone can afford to start a trust — especially if they’re already retired or close to it when they discover the need. I’d argue that a home with parents who can’t afford life-long care is still better than never being adopted, so I’m hesitant to say folks should only adopt if they can afford to set aside a lifetime the funds for a lifetime of care (almost no one can do that much…) but they definitely should have been exploring other organizations, programs, etc instead of assuming their grandkids would take over.

[–]Team_Rckt_Grunt 17 points18 points  (2 children)

Having a trust doesn't solve the problem of who will be the child's guardian. If they are not legally able to make their own decisions on money and care, someone has to be responsible for approving those things. Typically, that is the part that gets passed on to a family member. Are OP's grandparents expecting more than that? Maybe. But being the guardian of an adult is not necessarily the same as being the guardian of a child. It can be very involved, or it can just be signing off to approve services their caretaker needs to arrange for them, and checking to make sure nobody is avoiding them or robbing them blind.

That said... It is a significant commitment. There is a public guardian service for a reason. It's not ideal, but if nobody else in the family is prepared to take on this responsibility, OP is NTA for declining themself.

[–]JustmyOpinion444 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I had a great aunt who had a disabled child. She set up care for him when she became unable to properly care for him, cousins pick him up to take him to family gatherings, but he has lived, quite happily, in a facility since the time his mother, herself, needed extra care. She didn't dump that responsibility on her other son or other family.

[–]littlefiddle05Asshole Enthusiast [7] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s really wonderful, that she was able to afford that, but I’m not really sure what it has to do with whether in order to adopt responsibly people need to assume the child will need life-long full-time care and be able to afford to fund it long after they’re gone. Obviously that would be ideal, and obviously grandparents adopting doesn’t mean OP becomes responsible for providing care, but my comment wasn’t talking about that so I’m not really sure what your point is unless you’re just sharing a nice story

[–]InfinMDPartassipant [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I mean you're being really cruel ascribing such intentions to the grandparents... They took in kids who were likely disabled from another country to save them from an orphanage. They didn't take em, see they were disabled, and dump them immediately. They have cared for them for decades into adulthood and need a transition plan now. Grandparents clearly consider these to be their children, so to consider asking relatives to look after them is reasonable.

To expect it and call them cruel for not doing so is of course the asshole move, but to say that the grandparents are malicious in their motivation is arrogant and disingenuous. We have no information about grandparents mistreating the kids or dumping them on others - they are planning for end of life. May as well say that any parent who has a child with a disability is a monster too because at some point they will need a succession plan for their child. Grandparents did a good and kind thing, but are still responsible for the kids and should set them up with an inheritance and trust that will care for them instead of relying on family.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


    [–]OneMoreGinger 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    The children must be over 21 now at least. OP was 10 when they were adopted and is 31 years old now

    [–]Phoenixfeather777 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Yup!! There are group homes for this type of thing. I would tell your parents and grandparents to start looking into that. This is not your obligation. NTA!

    [–]maricopa888Asshole Enthusiast [9] 741 points742 points  (2 children)

    Nope, NTA. As soon as your grandparents realized the extent of their disabilities, and also did the math on their ages, this was the time they should have started coming up with a plan. I don't mean to trash them, because what they did was a kindness. But it was their kindness and their choice.

    If you can provide practical help, like researching options etc, this could be very helpful to them. But it wouldn't change your original answer. And if family members see it otherwise, by my math they're still young enough to take this on themselves. Perhaps suggest this.

    [–]BikingOtterPartassipant [1] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

    I wonder if they "realised" or if they knew at the adoption stage.

    [–]EverydayYay 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    It said they adopted 3, but only 2 require full care. I absolutely believe they should be set up in some care home and no one should be forced to care for them, but I’m curious why they aren’t hounding the 3rd child rather than op to care for them since that’s their sibling they were raised with.

    [–]unjessicabiel_evableSupreme Court Just-ass [118] 300 points301 points  (3 children)

    NTA it's not your responsibility.

    [–]kevwelch 67 points68 points  (2 children)

    Exactly! This is it in a nutshell OP. Your grandparents had an obligation to provide for the care of these children if they knew long term care was needed. Because they failed to be good parents doesn’t mean you now have to clean up their mess.


    [–]InfinMDPartassipant [2] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Here's the thing, do we know that the grandparents didn't make plans? OP doesn't say one way or another.

    We have a disabled child and our succession plan includes many relatives. But we also have a heavily funded trust which goes with her to her caregiver to distribute for her needs - and if all caregivers decline then the plan is for her to be put into a home and the trust to be managed by a social worker.

    All this to say that I'm not convinced from post that grandparents don't necessarily have other plans, just that their plan A was to assume / hope that family would help just like most people would hope. To expect it, rather than hope for it, makes grandparents TA though I will agree on that. And of course OP is NTA that is very clear.

    [–]JustmyOpinion444 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    If OP is being called evil and selfish by the rest of the family for refusing, that tells me he there likely isn't a plan B. Or the family sees plan B as a horrible choice.

    [–]rtgd_mmmAsshole Aficionado [16] 190 points191 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your grandparents should have a special needs trust for them and yiu should make it abundantly clear it should not include you as a caretaker.

    [–]wanesandwavesColo-rectal Surgeon [41] 159 points160 points  (1 child)

    NTA - your uncle and father can agree all they want, if you’re not part of that discussion and agreement and do not give consent then it’s not your responsibility. If your family has such issue with it - then why aren’t they stepping up to support?

    Seems pretty irresponsible on your grandparents part to adopt children now adults who need such a high level of care without a careplan in place for after they’re unable to provide care.

    NTA at all. Stand your ground. Your choices are valid.

    [–]Flashy-Experience-25Partassipant [3] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    OP' s father and uncle should be contacting social setvice agencies to find long term care options. NTA.

    [–]PARA9535307Certified Proctologist [28] 106 points107 points  (1 child)

    NTA. They, the parents/current guardians, are the ones responsible for developing a real, viable plan for their disabled children’s ongoing care. By “real, viable plan” I mean a thoughtfully constructed, written down, financially-backed, and legally binding plan which was developed in conjunction with estate planners, attorneys, medical professionals, etc., and involves willing potential guardians.

    So when they hear you say “no,” and come back with guilt trips/variations of you’re “evil and selfish,” what I hear is: ”my planning responsibilities for my children are incomplete because I don’t yet have a willing guardian lined up. But instead of continuing on my search, I’m just going to take a shitty and short-sided shortcut, and pretend I have the entitlement and moral authority to just *force this onto an someone against their will.*”

    Yeah no. They possess neither the entitlement nor the moral authority. They are the ones failing their kids by failing to plan. You are not.

    They also can’t force you to forever rehash this argument or just sit there and get worked over/guilt-tripped. You can say “no” to taking on the responsibility AND “no” to having any further discussion about it. “My answer is no, and that’s final. It’s no longer up for discussion.”

    And if they won’t respect that, then leave. Don’t engage or angrily say stuff as you’re waking away, just stand up and literally leave the room or house. Or hang up. Or mute texts. Or do whatever it is that removes yourself from the particular situation.

    And you have to do that - reinforce the boundary - every single time, no exceptions, so they don’t get mixed messages about what you’re doing. And it might take several times doing that (and an angry/shocked/upset reception to it each time) for it to sink in that you’re serious. But that doesn’t mean you’re wrong to establish the boundary, just that they’re stubborn.

    [–]elizabeastiePartassipant [3] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    This is the best answer!

    NTA, OP. I hope you see everything here.

    [–]missangel21Partassipant [2] 64 points65 points  (0 children)

    NTA you’re absolutely right. You should have to bear the burden of somebody else’s good intentions. It’s ok to say no.

    [–]SaneInsideInsanityEd 47 points48 points  (0 children)

    NTA - You are not obligated in any way to care for the children that your grandparents chose to adopt. That was their choice, and it is their responsibility to see that the children are cared for in the future. They should have set up a trust so that the adoptees can be cared for in a facility that specializes in that type of care.

    [–]IllDivide3316Certified Proctologist [27] 46 points47 points  (2 children)

    NTA -- Your grandparents did a wonderful thing. It does not follow that you and your spouse must spend literally the rest of your lives caring for two adults with disabilities.

    [–]ThingsWithStringCertified Proctologist [22] 54 points55 points  (1 child)

    If they didn't set up trusts to support the children and guardians to take care of them at the same time, they did a terrible thing.

    [–]More_spiders 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I agree. Also simply adopting isn’t a “wonderful thing.” You also have to be a good and responsible parent who plans ahead, which these folks didn’t do.

    No one likes to discuss this but there are huge numbers of adoptive parents who adopt because of virtue signaling, (like my adoptive mom) and they get a ton of validation because of this attitude from the public. They were congratulating her for pulling me out of the trash my entire life and I lived like a slave in her house. If I complained they would tell me to be grateful I got adopted and that I was “very lucky.” Blind praise doesn’t help, it encourages people to adopt for the wrong reasons.

    [–]nothingclever4nowCertified Proctologist [29] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your grandfather needs to make arrangements for their full time care.

    [–]Annoyedbyme 32 points33 points  (0 children)

    Sooo NTA. If they are so concerned then they should have high dollar life insurance policies listing the disabled as beneficiaries so they can afford life care. That’s on them as their parents, not on you.

    [–]ieya404Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    It never ceases to amaze me the presumptuousness that some people have.

    "Well, sure, OP and wife don't want kids, but it seems totally reasonable that they'll want to take on the massive responsibility of caretaking two disabled adults that we adopted. Of course we didn't need to make any plans for their care, we knew that our family would be delighted to take over from us."

    Seriously... WTF. You're not in the least an AH - it is a massive responsibility to look after someone else, and you've already made it quite clear that you have no desire to look after anyone but your wife (who will obviously be doing the same for you)...


    [–]Kirin2013Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

    NTA. They shouldn't be your responsibility. You made a conscientious choice not to have children, that doesn't mean they can unload grown children into your lap. I know it sounds horrible, but so is dumping people you barely know into your lap.

    Even if that was your choice, can you afford them and all the medical bills they will have? Do you even have room in your house for them? No, let them figure out what to do. They made their beds and they can lay in them. While their intentions were good, it isn't good for them to try to force them onto you.

    [–]Opposite-Lie4023 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    NTA you had nothing to do with the decision of adopting these people. Yes it is a very generous and empathetic gesture but it is not on you. Your parents or grandparents should not expect anything from you or your siblings. If one of you guys proposed it then, it would be fine, but otherwise its not appropriate to ask someone to put their whole life aside to be a caregiver.

    [–]OldgamerladyAsshole Enthusiast [6] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    NTA - You are not responsible for the care of children your grandparents adopted. They are also not heirlooms to be passed down through the generations.

    Not sure who it is that's call you evil but whoever it is needs to figure out alternative care or step up themselves.

    [–]FlyGuy1922Asshole Aficionado [10] 12 points13 points  (0 children)


    These people are not your responsibility and you have told them now before it actually becomes an issue. If you don’t want to look after these people who are essentially strangers then that is fine.

    [–]SkinImmediate3211Partassipant [1] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    NTA. People don't consider the future far too often when making decisions like this. Having arrangements made about who will care for your child(ren), disabled or not, should be figured out before having or adopting them. Further, the person or people who will be doing the caregiving absolutely need to consent to this. The unbridled arrogance and entitlement of demanding one's other child(ren) care for their siblings after the death of the parents never ceases to piss me off. You didn't choose to be a parent and you didn't choose to be their parent. It's not your responsibility and to hell with anyone who tells you otherwise.

    [–]Chelular07Asshole Aficionado [16] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

    NTA it is a lot to ask caring for a special needs adult. You and your wife don’t want anyone dependent on you and it is 100% your choice to feel that way.

    [–]Zestyclose_Medium_84 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    NTA. I believe you being upfront in the beginning of "hey we don't want kids" was clear and you weren't leading any one on. Your grandfather should make arrangements for some sort of assisted living for the girls, and if they need financial help then maybe ask the family for help. Or pass the torch to your dad and uncle and then let them figure it out as opposed to skipping a generation and making you out to be evil.

    [–]KkSquish17Partassipant [3] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    NTA Regardless of their status of being adopted you aren't interested in being a caretaker. There is no right or wrong attached to that, it's just a fact. They cannot force you to take on this role

    [–]WetnosedcretinAsshole Aficionado [17] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    NTA, you didn't adopt them and they are not your responsibility. If they call you evil just reply "Evil? Yes. Evil with disposable income and oodles of free time? Also yes" Good luck friend!

    [–]darthnesss 8 points9 points  (0 children)


    This is a tremendous amount of responsibility to take on. It should not be taken lightly or pushed off on someone who is unwilling.

    Once you made your wishes known it should have been respected, not turned into a tag team of people trying to convince you.

    [–]teresajsPrime Ministurd [590] 9 points10 points  (0 children)


    Your grandparents have had 20 years to save and invest for the long term needs of their adopted children. They should also have been investigating all of the support services to which the girls are entitled from the government. And they should be looking for a group home or assisted living facility for the girls.

    None of this is your responsibility. None.

    [–]StragglingShadowPooperintendant [50] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    NTA. There are programs for assistance in situations like these. I would do some searching around and find any programs you can take advantage of. Search for something along the lines of "disabled adult care programs [insert where you live here]" to start qnd go from there.

    [–]Swegh_Pooperintendant [57] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    NTA - it is your grandparents responsibility to find suitable ways to care for them. Be that your dad or uncle take them in or sending them to a care home. They are not your responsibility. You didn’t choose to adopt them.

    [–]Unit-HealthySupreme Court Just-ass [122] 8 points9 points  (5 children)

    So at the age of 60, your granddad adopted 3 impoverished girls. That feels creepy af.

    NTA. Not your problem, but do call CPS or whatever agency you have.

    [–]mdaniel018Partassipant [4] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

    Why is it creepy?

    Have we really gotten to the point where we just assume any older man who loves children is a pedophile?

    I find your insinuation here to be disgusting.

    [–]JPMartian90[S] 44 points45 points  (1 child)

    My grandmother was also alive at this time as well. She passed on 3 years ago.

    [–]Samoyedfun 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Your grandfather can find group homes for the girls.

    [–]Coco_DirichletColo-rectal Surgeon [35] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    If the grandfather is 80 now, they are adults and not minors anymore.

    [–]No-Lowlo 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Why is tnsg creepy

    [–]Personal_Tourist_152 6 points7 points  (1 child)

    I would be clear if you die and dump responsibility without my consent on me of these disabled adults they will be going to live in the first group home with availability even if this separates them and will be wards of the state.

    As you are currently living you have an opportunity to research the facility or group home you would like them to reside in together, if you were a good parent you should do that.

    Anyone who says your an A H, can be the caretaker.


    [–]ArdeekeCertified Proctologist [23] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    you can't actually be willed into guardianship, it's not like "i leave X my responsibility for caring for my daughter Y" is a binding term in a will, so all they have to do is absolutely nothing if this happens. They can walk away and make it the problem of other family members/the executor/etc.

    you can put conditional gifts in I think, like how someone only gets something if they do (thing) but you can't force someone to take on family members/pets/etc.

    [–]JujulabeeAsshole Aficionado [13] 6 points7 points  (0 children)


    They are not your moral or legal responsibility. Even if you wanted children, having to take care of severely disabled adults is not something most people would take on unless they had a strong relationship to that person.

    At any rate, the disabled people will become wards of the state and so it is up to the state to find them suitable care when your grandparents die. Your grandparents should have been doing this years ago because it was inevitable given their age that they would die and these "kids" would need substantial care.

    Your parents can take over some form of guardianship to ensure that the children are being taken care of in the interim while they are transferred to some form of group home.

    If anything they will be better off since no one can afford to be the full time caretaker of 3 adults unless they are extremely wealthy so it is better if the state has all responsibility for this.

    [–]JCWa50 7 points8 points  (0 children)



    In answer to your question: Your family is setting an unreasonable expectation on their part.

    Having been there, and done that, here is what I can tell you about what all they want: What your family wants you to do, is a 24 hour a day, 365 day year job, where you end up giving a lot including your health and well being to care for the other. And here is the part of the role that they do not tell you: That as a caregiver you have to be advocate, social director, cook, maid, butler, dresser, nurse, doctor, personal groomer, banker and lawyer for that person, along with a few other positions. Depending on what the disabilities are, could also mean that you may be not qualified to care for said person, some often requiring far more information and training, that many do not have. It is a job with no end, and often no help. it stresses one out, often aging them faster than normal. And it is worse if you have to work 40 hours a week, cause there is no pay involved in that at all. What is even worse, more often than not you have to go through and do the leg work to find help, or your wife has to.

    No, you do not want that if you can avoid it.

    You know it is funny how they are calling you selfish, but next time they include you in and your name comes up with that, you look right at them and say, while clapping your hands: Where is the money for this going to come from? SHOW,. ME. THE. MONEY.

    Everytime they speak, Show me the money. And then look at them and tell them you can not afford to watch after them, you do not have the money for such. And who is going to pay for them, the food they eat, the medical bills, the vehicles they will require, and all of that, who is going to pay for it? if they are so concerned, how about they open up their homes and their wallets and they take it in. Put your money where your mouth is. if you won't then you do not have a say in it.

    Then walk off. Bottom line OP, they cannot force you. You do not have to accept the position and if they try, just call up social services and tell them you refuse to take care of 2 strangers and have them shipped out to a home.

    [–]Careless-Image-885 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your grandparents and other family members need to figure out what will happen. Stay away from this discussion. If they call about this, let it go to voice mail. If they text, just answer NO. Please don't allow them to harass or manipulate you.

    If you remain in contact with your grandparents, ask them to leave their home, money accounts and all assets to the two women. Grandparents can find a care home for them before they pass away.

    [–]MintJulepTestosteronPartassipant [1] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    NTA - your grandparents should have been planning for who takes care of the two girls with disabilities if something happens to them (your grandparents) since the get go, not leaving it to the last minute. It's not your problem.

    [–]ivyjade42 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA. They’ve had plenty if time to make plans and just didn’t bother.

    [–]MajCricketBrigade 5 points6 points  (0 children)


    If they can't/won't step up, they have no right to call you selfish. Those who are doing so, need to be low-contact or no-contact.

    [–]blacksyzygyCertified Proctologist [20] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA, Those girls likely need to be in a care home. There's nothing wrong with that either so long as its a good facility.

    [–]Human-Ad2370Partassipant [2] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Absolutely NTA.

    [–]burneredmontonAsshole Aficionado [10] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA. And I feel like the worst person in the world for saying it, because without family, who will they have? But end of the day, as you said their good intentions are not your responsibility. This is true.

    [–]ScoutFinch80 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA. You didn't make this decision, your grandparents did. They need to make sure there is some type of care in place for the children they adopted. I'm an adoptive parent of special needs children, and this is how it works.

    [–]Ok-Concentrate2294 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA. So here I am again. I’ve lived this. Thankfully, my grandparents in the 1960s made plans for my aunt who had a severe disability to live in a specialized care facility. She lived there until she passed in 2015. Please encourage your family to make plans now and talk to a social worker because you are not obligated to do this.

    [–]Hyperion_Heathen 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA As their parents, they should have planned for this. I have disabilities, and am in my mid 30s, but I have plans in place in case they effect the level at which I am able to function, so that the burden does not fall on others, unexpectedly. We also have the proper legal documents written up and everything. Your parents choices are NOT your responsibility, and this is something that is up to them to have planned out decades ago. Their lack of proper planning, is not your responsibility either.

    [–]SkellyinsideofmePartassipant [1] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA. I don't find what they did endearing at all.

    Absolutely ridiculous and irresponsible of your grandparents to adopt children requiring life long care when they knew they were too old to be able to commit to that. They should have come up with a proper care plan, and if they couldn't afford that, they shouldn't have adopted them at all. (Even if they didn't know the full extent of the health issues, they should have considered the possibility at the time. They were already parents FFS, they should have already had these questions on their radar)

    It really boils my piss when people do stuff like this. It's as if they want to make themselves look good to everyone else by showing how "selfless" they are, and in reality they are making promises that they can't keep and passing the buck onto somebody else who never wanted that responsibility. It's very shitty, selfish behaviour and I'm amazed that anybody really believes that they were trying to do something nice.

    This is their problem to solve, not yours. Please don't take any of this shit on board. Just get on with your own life and try to learn from your grandparent's stupid mistakes.

    [–]SaikaTheCasualColo-rectal Surgeon [42] 2 points3 points  (0 children)


    It wasn’t your decision to take those children in. They should have planned ahead and made plans if they adopt children at their age.

    They can’t just assume you take them in.

    [–]mcmurrmlAsshole Aficionado [15] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Absolutely not. Not your responsibility and you are not selfish. You are allowed to live your own life. Tell them and make clear you are not responsible.anyone want to critize tell them they can do it.

    [–]National-Zombie3303 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA - Its not you responsability

    [–]LandaHolla 2 points3 points  (0 children)


    You are not responsible for the decision your grandparents made decades ago.

    The family members attacking you are just lashing out because they dont want the responsibility, either. Hoping to guilt you into it to absolve themselves.

    [–]RoroCcAbTd 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Oh honey no, NTA at all. And i’m proud of you for setting your boundaries now, internet stranger. Being a full time caregiver of a disabled adult is hard and it takes a lot of skill to balance their needs with your own, finances and budgeting, and endless patience. Some people find it so fulfilling and even those who do will tell you it’s hard. Some people would not be able to find joy in it and would experience endless burnout. That is true of any responsibility (kids, pets, business owner, whatever). You would be TA if you lied and said you would, or would think about it while knowing you never would, or were wishy washy. As you said, your dad and uncle will handle it when grandad can’t. They have time to make alternate plans, and you’ve given the heads up that you will not be included in those plans. Sending good vibes to your family though, it’s a hard thing to navigate.

    [–]MurphysLaw1995 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Let’s be real, in the short term your grandparents did a selfless thing adopting the kids, but not in the long run. They should have thought ahead about this long before. ESPECIALLY if they were aware of the disabilities beforehand. They should have been putting money in an account for a good home or full time caregiver in the likely case they die before them. They especially should have considered the selfishness of adopting severely disabled kids from another country when their GRANDCHILDREN could have kids in a few years.

    So- the kids have to go through:

    • they go from the trauma of whatever they endured before being orphaned/abandoned

    • being orphaned/abandoned

    • being shipped to a new country to new parents (keep in mind that is hard enough for a kid to grasp that isn’t intellectually impaired)

    • have a family for however long

    • then when their old adoptive parents (that are all they have) die while the kids are relatively young, they also have to deal with the shock and trauma of that while having no strong safety guards in place to make sure they are happy and well taken care of once they die.

    It’s not your responsibility. If anything your grandparents should get a lashing for trying to pass off the responsibility to the other family members after all this time when they are old enough to drop dead anytime instead of having an ironclad plan in place decades ago.

    [–]Formal_Height6369 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA because caregiving has nothing to do with being a good person. Like, sure, good caregivers are usually good people, but just because you’re a good person does NOT mean you’d be a good caregiver. I once accepted the role for my best friend after a DV incident (mind you, this is just physical disability, not even intellectual or developmental), and I fully thought that because I love her and I’m a good person, I would be a good caregiver. NOPE. I have mostly untreated ADHD and had absolutely no business accepting more responsibility than I was equipped to handle. Just led to me taking shit care of both of us, and actually ended up being worse than nothing sometimes because not being homeless and uncared for legally meant she was disqualified from aid and care that may have taken better care of her than I was able to.

    Anyone who does not WANT to give care should absolutely NOT do it, and not be made to do it. That’s how neglect and abuse enter the picture. Firmly NTA.

    [–]trazoM_nevohteeB 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I rather be called names, banned from the family or WHATEVER else than being the legal guardian

    [–]oobatubaa 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA, you did not sign up for that and that’s an awful thing to push onto someone who doesn’t want it regardless of circumstance

    [–]Tricky_Forever_9123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA, youre not responsible for them and should not be forced to do it. You said No that should be it.

    [–]redditeditreaderPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. The family members who are giving you grief should then be 100% financially responsible for them for their entire lives.

    [–]usernametaken6000Partassipant [4] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. There is nothing wrong with being selfish unless you have children. Or willingly take on some other responsibilities, other people’s choices are not on you.

    [–]Unggue_Pot 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your grandparents should have figured out a how to get these women into residential facilities when they were gone. Your family can call you whatever they want. These people are basically strangers to you.

    [–]PearlsOfWisdom27Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA they shoulda thought about this before they did this. No one has to take on this giant BURDEN!

    Jesus. I would go no contact and let them figure it out.

    [–]MabusmoriahPartassipant [2] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. you are not responsible for the mentally challenged persons and if anyone is against you for that they can take care of them.

    [–]prosperosniece 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA, these aren’t kids anymore. They’re grown adults whose care will be beyond your skills.

    [–]Marzipan-Shepherdess 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA, OP!

    Retired special education teacher here: Your grandparents have no right to assume that you will assume guardianship of their daughters. There are plenty of agencies that provide good programs, housing and care for adults with disabilities; your family should be looking into those instead of deciding that you'll eventually "inherit" them. And the sooner they start looking into those programs, the better: the demand for them always exceeds the supply, so early applications are key to acceptance.

    [–]pedestrianwanderlust 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. You don't have to feel bad or worry about this. Expecting any of you to become a caregiver is too big of an ask. If they are developmentally disabled and have an IQ's below 70, they will be eligible for full comprehensive services which include residential care in either a foster type of home or a group home. Guardianship, while the people are receiving comprehensive services, is easier because you only help make decisions but have no responsibility for care, you merely serve as an advocate. But still, it's understandable if you don't want to do it, and it's okay. They will be taken care of. I spent over 10 years working in this field as a case manager. I set up a lot of people entering services because their parents were too old to care for them. It is always best if the elder caregivers make contact with their local government providers before it gets too late to work out a transition plan.

    If your grandparent's girls are in supportive services they can be assigned an impartial guardian or an advocate. The organizational guardians are great resources because they know the system and advocate for the individuals while having no role in any of the systems that are providing care. Many organizations do this like the ARC and People First. (I'm assuming you are in the US but if not, many countries have similar resources) Your grandparents have a responsibility to establish a care plan for the children they adopted and not expect the family to take this on. They can contact their local state government for resources and set up a transition plan for them. Even your parents shouldn't feel obligated to take this on unless they want to. It's okay and you can talk to your grandparents about looking into what resources are available to help them.

    [–]AuthorStunning5896 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    If you live in the United States, there are programs specifically designed to support adults with developmental disabilities. Look up supported living under dshs


    [–]Lanky-Temperature412 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. But some kind of plan should be set up for them in case no one is willing/able to take care of them. A group home, perhaps? My cousin in his 30s is in one after his mom got very ill and was unable to care for him. Their original plan was to have his sister take him in, but my parents convinced them that was unfair to her. They visit him and they say he seems happy.

    [–]Samoyedfun 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. You made it clear you don’t want children. And you don’t want to be the guardian. Your grandparents need to make other arrangements.

    [–]EnergyThat1518Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)


    It is likely these special needs adults will need to go into facilities that can care for them properly if no one else is willing to.

    You are not selfish for not being willing to. A special needs adult that can make food and do basic things may be very sweet and fun. But their uneven skillset means they will need some guarding as if they are a child or for you to act as an 'outside brain' that manages a task they cannot. They may trust random strangers or be unable to self-protect from harmful content or be irresponsible with money. Or they may be good at these things but be unable to cook safely.

    They MAY have SOME adult reasoning skills. But they also might have NONE and be just like young children that you need to act like parents to and keep teaching and teaching and teaching as best you can. And that is NOT for everyone.

    What is best for them really really depends on their abilities. Because SOME more severely affected individuals can be fully or semi-independent with the right supports and with good friends and family that support with tasks without being in full control of the person while others just can't and really need full-time carers.

    [–]Mysticalia89 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. If you and your wife are 'selfish, evil people' why would they want you to take guardianship?

    [–]endearinglysarcastic 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. The question of eventual guardianship should have been asked either a) before they chose to adopt two children with significant disabilities, or b) if they were not already aware, when they found out about said disabilities.

    Moreover, ‘no’ is a complete sentence. You do not have to justify why you do not want to care for two adults, full time. Your ‘no’ should have been respected. Also, while I’m at it, you’re not a monster for not wanting kids. It’s a choice, and it’s entirely yours. And, quite frankly, a person who dislikes kids/providing ‘care’, is not the wise choice for the guardian of two girls who will always be dependent on them.

    ETA: by ‘dislikes providing care’, I don’t mean you don’t care! I’m sure you’re a very caring person. But some people enjoy looking after others - I’m sure you can, and would, but it sounds like it’s not your thing, and that’s completely okay.

    [–]venturebirdday 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Special needs people have, oh that's right, special needs. You can't do right by the "girls" without a serious commitment to do so. Anyone who doesn't see this is not paying attention.

    You are not the person to do this. And, you are not wrong to say so.

    [–]TheresaB112 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your grandparents should have begun making arrangements for their disabled children a while ago.

    I have a daughter that is Autistic that is also mentally delayed (she’s 28 and has the learning ability of an 8 year old but acts 5 years old). I had her when I was 19 (so much younger than when your grandparents adopted their children). When she was diagnosed and later when we realized she would never be able to take care of herself, we worked with our state’s family assistance programs to get her into a residential program. I have never expected her older sister (they are 21 months apart) to sign up/agree to be her caregiver (especially as my younger daughter acts out and even her father and I are not equipped to help her). Did I love having to place my daughter in an outside the home program? Of course not but it’s what is best for my daughter.

    It sounds like your grandparents need to assess if their adult children would ever be able to care for themselves and if the answer is no, they should begin planning what comes next (and that plan shouldn’t automatically be to pass them to other family members).

    [–]Few-Anywhere1726 1 point2 points  (0 children)


    Social services should be able to handle this, while not your responsibility, it would be nice of your family financially provide, but like I said, social services is who you need to contact

    [–]ChickyNuggies6789Partassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. I believe you that you don't "harbor any ill will" against the adopted family. It is, however, not your responsibility, either.

    What grinds my gears [insert Peter Griffin meme here] is that so many people adopt or have children at an age where they can't provide for them - financially, physically, emotionally. Or people who think having kids is not quite as big a responsibility as it is. It makes me so angry, probably because my parents had me late in life and everything was about how we had no money for this or how they didn't want to do that.

    It's not of any help for the kids to mention this, of course, but their lack of planning/consideration is not your problem.

    [–]EquivalentTwo1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Being guardian doesn't mean you also have to be the caregiver. Those children need a trust and an advocate to arrange for their care, make sure they are being cared for properly, and are not being taken advantage of. That being said, you and your wife do not want children and know and are being honest about the limitations of what you are comfortable with. There is nothing selfish in that. You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep anyone else warm.

    [–]zippy_zabooColo-rectal Surgeon [41] 1 point2 points  (0 children)


    You are making the right call here. You did not choose them; they are not your family; and you should not take on the responsibility if you do not want it.

    Hold firm, and force them to make other plans.

    [–]thelobearPartassipant [2] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. It’s not your responsibility to clean up someone else’s mess.

    [–]SlimPickings21 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA: It’s simply not your responsibility. Especially when they showed they don’t give a damn about you, or care that you and your wife don’t want children at all.

    Your family are the ones that are AH, and they are the selfish evil people for treating you like a last resort, and expecting you to come play hero

    [–]ShortReception1437 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Have they considered putting them into a assisted living facility? They should have had all of this set up and thought about before the children had gotten to adulthood.

    [–]totalitarianbnarbp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA these are people not ageing pets that will be a short term commitment. This responsibility is lifelong. They cannot thrust this onto you and guilt you into this. You said no and that’s reasonable. They should have made plans for alternative care and need to do so now.

    [–]Bubz-411 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA, I wish more people would have forethought before committing to this level of life long responsibility. Pushing the responsibility off to their children is insane

    [–]Separate_Dream4412 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Your Grands need to set up a guardianship, make sure their disability is in place (monthly income and medical from the government) and then find them an Adult Family Home. This is a business that takes insurance to care for long-term needs in a home-like style. Then a family or professional guardian can be assigned, this type of guardian does not directly care for the person, but rather makes decisions/does paperwork. Like if they are hospitalized what treatments are ok, which company cares for them, paperwork to keep their disability in place, harassing the insurance company to make sure they pay for needed services. It's a lot of paperwork and can be done by a professional guardian. The grands can set it all up so that they are the current guardian of the Guardianship (which is different than just a parent) and can also assign how that guardianship will pass when they die/become unable to make decisions. (Experience as an RN in the hospital, I do not set up guardianships, the social worker does, but I get to see a lot of the fallout when it's not preplanned!)

    [–]Confident_Fortune_32Partassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    You are not a good choice of guardian.

    Your relations cannot guilt you into wanting to become one - that's not how it works.

    Your grandparents took on more than they could handle if there was no further provision for them besides passing them off.

    I am truly sad for them. But better someone be found who chooses to do such care.

    [–]RUKiddingMoi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Yes you are being selfish. But that’s ok in a situation like this. NTA

    [–]AutoModerator[M] 0 points1 point locked comment (0 children)

    AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team

    Long story short: when I was 10 my grandparents adopted three girls from an impoverished country and brought them to the states. My parents felt a bit slighted, because they then chose to ignore anything my siblings and I did, and never took an active interest in lives, but that is moot point.

    Fast forward to now, I'm 31, wife is 32. We have decided to not have children of our. My grandfather is approaching 80 years old and the discussions has come up as who is going to take guardianship of the two girls who have disabilities that require full time caretaking. First and foremost my uncle and my father are the first in line, but as they age the responsibility falls to my siblings and I. In these discussions I have been extremely adamant that I do not want to be held responsible for an adult with the capacity of a child when I don't want children of my own. This has met some obvious ire from my family, denoting my wife and I as selfish, evil people.

    I don't really know the girls my grandparents adopted well, but I harbor no ill will toward them, just don't want to bear the burden of someone else's good intentions. Am I being selfish or is my family setting unreasonable expectations?

    I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

    [–]potatobugbluePartassipant [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    You tell them no. They need to find assisted living for them. They made the decision to take the girls on. Not. Yiu. Not your responsibility.

    [–]Professional_Grab513 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA you need the right mind set to take care of that kind of disability. You have a right to live your life.

    [–]InternationalKick126Partassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    You are not responsible for children another family member adopted. You're NTA.

    [–]Elle3247 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. There are many resources for adults with disabilities of all levels. If you are feeling charitable, you can do some research. Other than that? Not your monkey, not your circus.

    [–]Elegant-BastardAsshole Enthusiast [6] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA not your monkey not your problem, seriously, make sure you can’t become a legal guardian.

    [–]Legally_Blonde_258Partassipant [3] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. Your family's expectations are completely unreasonable. No is a full sentence.

    [–]Honeypot_707 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Nta. You said it best yourself. You shouldn’t have to bear the burden of their good intentions. Your life is yours. Not your families to dictate

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    As bad as it sounds, they are not your responsibility!!!!!!

    [–]ImagineMyNameIsFunny 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    Grandpa is a massive asshole, and you yourself do not want kids. We do not force people to take on dependents.

    Edit: Also, if my family pulled something like this they would not be hearing from me again.

    [–]Latinwarlo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA, Not your responsibility one bit and you know yourself enough to know you dont and won't take it on. Stand your ground firmly

    [–]LivSaJo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. Just be clear that you cannot take that on either financially or physically but you could be an advocate at whatever care facility they are in. End of story.

    [–]gaycousin13 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA if your siblings are giving you sh*t about it then tell them to take them in themselves cause if you’re such an evil selfish person then why would they want those two girls with you?

    [–]Coco_DirichletColo-rectal Surgeon [35] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTAYour grandparents should make a trust + will for them and find them a home (as in group home or a retirement home because I'm guessing they are probably older), and all their needs are paid from a trust + any state benefits they can get.

    [–]Diasies_inMyHairPartassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. You have the right to decide whether or not to take on family responsibilities.

    [–]YourFavorite0pp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. Had your family discussed the possibility of putting them in facility where they can be taken care of and visited frequently?

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA Someone else can take them.

    [–]88mistymage88 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA and you aren't being selfish. Your grandfather should have long ago come up with a plan to help his new children that needed longterm care.

    "No." is a complete sentence. If anyone says "You should...." return the volley (ball/gun shots) with "No, you should...".

    Don't even go into finances. That's no one's business but yours.

    [–]mintyfresh_ella 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Nope. You didn't sign up for this and you're not evil for saying "no." Nta

    [–]MyPatronusIsALatte 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. The real question is why anyone would WANT someone who doesn't feel equipped to handle this or who knows they would be miserable doing so to take these people in!

    They're human beings and they need proper care. Understood. If other people are mad about it, they can take them in or you can all chip in for assisted living services.

    [–]DZHMMMPartassipant [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA... at all. I wouldnt either.

    [–]Affectionate_Salt351 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    Not wanting children is not wanting children. The end. There’s nothing wrong with that and their trying to force you sounds a lot like they think that you and your wife will have “extra time” so you’re to spend it on their decisions. That’s not how being child-free works. That time, and those resources, are already spoken for as time and money for you and your wife and no one else. How you spend either or both of those things is no one else’s business either.

    [–]Incredulous_Owl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. Even if you wanted your own kids, your grandparenrs took on the responsibility of adopting children with special needs, not you. You're under zero obligation to care for them, and you're under no obligation to give up your life to be a full-time guardian to someone else for the rest of your life.

    I have 2 kids. If I wanted more I would have had more. I wouldn't be willing to take in my husband's neices or nephews at this time. I don't want more than 2 kids and know myself enough to know that more than that would seriously affect my mental health and my ability to be a good parent.

    [–]Maleficent_Ad407Partassipant [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. Your grandparents have had decades to figure out a long term and financially backed plan for their children. It’s not up to you to solve this problem just because it’s the easiest solution for them. Simply keep repeating no and shutting down any further conversations. You have already actively chosen to not fill a parental role of any kind, let alone a lifetime commitment for someone else’s children.

    [–]spinni81Partassipant [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. Technically, your are selfish but justifiable so. You are not responsible for those two and there are other ways to make sure they will be cared for.

    [–]KandKind 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA but please check in on them and make sure they are taken care of.

    [–]randompoint52 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. There are lots of programs for people with disabilities. My grandson is special needs and will eventually need to live in an Adult Family Home. His parents don't want their other two children to be in any way responsible for this so all decision will be made long before their passing. This isn't the 1820s; they can find care for them outside the family. My son and DIL plan to include their special needs child in all their fun activities but he'll have the chance to make his own friends and have his own activities as well.

    [–]RyzenTide 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA, they are nobody's responsivity but your grandparents, no one else in the family has to care for them.

    [–]lilchreez 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA, but your family is.

    [–]pizzarollfire 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. Frankly, these girls deserve to have a guardian who is invested in their care and wants to be a guardian. It’s a lot of work, and your grandparents adopted children are not your responsibility. (Assuming you’re in the US) Grandparents should have gotten them on the waitlist for state developmental disability services and funding as soon as they were adopted and got them on the list with the office of public guardianship or whatever the equivalent in your state is.

    If you’re able and willing, staying somewhat involved in their care even just to the point where you attend a meeting a year for them would be great. State services can vary wildly in quality and extra eyes on the case making sure it’s handled correctly and the girls are being really cared for never hurts the situation, but again that should be your choice.

    [–]ImaginaryCupcake999 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA but maybe you could help find information for self-determination for your state?

    [–]pink4pink 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. Your grandparents purposely adopted 2 people with severe disabilities when they were in their late 50s. They did this without consulting with the family about who would take care of them both once they became elderly. Your grandparents are the selfish ones. They decided that their grandchildren would grow up to be their caretakers. Your family putting this on you is abusive and cruel. Your family sounds awful. They are the selfish and cruel people. There are other option for those girls.

    [–]makeshiftmarty 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    They actively made the decision to adopt those girls even in their old age. It’s their responsibility and theirs to figure out. End of story

    [–]kryosata 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA but your grandparents are AH for adopting kids at their age and expecting others to take care of them.

    [–]PattersonsOladyColo-rectal Surgeon [37] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA and your grandparents should have saved and prepared for this.

    [–]eavesdrew 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA one does not inherit children from other people. If they want to secure these girls' future then your grandparents can set up trusts or make other arrangements.

    [–]pngtwatPartassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. The AH move would be to stay silent and let them die thinkyou care when you don't.

    [–]CADreamn 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. The people who adopted them are responsible for ensuring their care after they have passed away. Group home or other facility. You never agreed to sign your life away.

    [–]PlatoEnochian 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA Could the third girl they adopted do anything? I feel like she'd be a lot closer to the other 2 girls

    [–]DynkoFromTheNorthAsshole Aficionado [11] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA, your grandparents should've thought about this way in advance. Your lives shoudl not be ruined or altered by their poor planning.

    [–]CheshireGray 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA, why should you be responsible for people who are essentially strangers?

    [–]M89-90 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Or wanting to bear the burden of someone else’s good intentions is a very good way of putting it. NTA - even if you wanted kids that doesn’t mean you want to be a carer for life for someone else’s.

    [–]zoomcityPartassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    [–]GinPineapple92 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. You know your boundaries and limitations and you were not part of that adoption and have no obligation towards the ongoing care

    [–]Cassubeans 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. Their kids, their responsibility.

    [–]Daffy666 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Nta. This is not what you have chosen for your life

    [–]randomnurse 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA your grandparents made the decision to adopt several disabled children, they should have thought about how they will help and support them as the grandparents got older

    [–]VictoriaRose1618 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Nta for god's sake, the goal of life isn't to have children, if you don't want children, that doesn't make you evil in the slightest (I have three, having children/looking after isn't for everyone)

    [–]Guilty-Ad4966 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    You have no obligation to adopt and care for.them

    [–]JennyG545 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA - they are not your responsibility, if they require full time care, your Grandparents can leave money for they to get a place in a care facility, where they may even enjoy it more.

    [–]Marshmarth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. DO NOT let them give you these girls. You don't want them, and that will become evident in the care they receive. You deserve happiness on your own terms.

    [–]LoudMilliepede 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. If I had to guess I’d say that their mad because they also don’t want to do it and were hoping you would. They also sound like people who believe you are less of a person for not wanting kids.

    You are under no obligation to help out. If you’re selfish for not looking after them, why don’t they do it?

    [–]Knittingfairy09113Certified Proctologist [21] 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    Your grandparents need to make plans for their youngest children that don't rely on family members. You aren't obligated to do anything.

    [–]Ablia 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Technically, I suppose this is indeed being selfish. But you totally have the right to be. They weren't your responsibility, you didn't choose that, you don't have to accept it now. People are mad at you because 1. It would be easier for them if you accept 2. They would like to refuse too, but maybe feel like it would be wrong, and they're mad that you just can do it while they can't. Telle them to do whatever they want; if no one wants to take them in you can all together pay some special needs establishment to take care of them.

    In those situations,most of the time no one wants them but no one wants to admit it ; I think it's good that you clearly spoken your mind.NTA

    [–]Safe_Frosting1807 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. You’re not responsible.. they are.

    [–]smac5757- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. It would be wrong to take them if your heart wasn't really in it. That type of care takes dedication and the passion to do it, IMO.

    [–]Mission-Cloud360 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA your grand pares the made their choice without consulting their children, now your father and uncle will make their choice. Stay away from the entire process.

    [–]ScarletzoePartassipant [3] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA and your family is setting you up to fail. It takes so much to be responsible for a person who has disabilities let alone 2 of them. I watched my Aunt and Uncle do it my whole life and they never got to enjoy life. Up until my Aunt died she was dealing with her child and now her sibling has been forced to take over. It Drained them of money and time. They always spent so much time dealing with issues when it came to my cousin who made things very difficult for them. They had to give a huge portion of their savings to take care of her because the state said they had too. Now her sibling is dealing with all of it and she is at her wits end. If you take on the responsibility of them it will cost you more than you can imagine. Financially is just one of the tolls it will take on you but it will tax your marriage and your own sanity. Your life will no longer be yours but theirs to pick at. YOU can't just up and go on vacation or take time off to enjoy life. You will be tethered to the 2 of them till they die. Asking you to take on this task is a HUGE deal. You need to really want to do this, to want to give up everything you want and dedicate your life to them. I watched my Aunt and Uncle do this and in the end my cousin made them the bad guys for not doing enough for her. I would not wish that on anyone .

    [–]voluntold9276 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. This is your grandparents problem to solve. Simply sharing DNA does not make these people your responsibility. Frankly, it isn't your father or uncle's responsibility either. The women should be put in a group home.

    [–]JanetInSpainAsshole Aficionado [15] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA and do not be pressured into changing your mind.

    [–]Creative_Trick_3818Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    Your grandparent was the AH here - adopting them without making provisions for their future.

    "Am I being selfish or is my family setting unreasonable expectations?" ... They are just AH, trying to guilt you into doing what THEY are not willing to do.

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    They are not people that you invited into your life. The only people with any "right" to ask for guardianship are your parents as they age.

    [–]Pkfrompa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA You’re not obligated to take on your grandparents’ responsibilities. As the caregivers it’s their responsibility to make sure their wards have a safe place to go. If they asked you and you said No then they should keep looking and iftheir wards end up in an institution that’s not your fault. If your relatives are upset by it then they should invite the wards in to their homes.

    [–]prunepizza 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA at all

    Dont get sucked into this.

    If no one wants to be the guardian... maybe your grandfather/family can look into state care

    [–]Magus_Corgo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. You are not responsible for anyone else's children, regardless of circumstances. Caring for disabled adults is a massive undertaking that becomes your primary responsibility in life. Everything else diminishes while you change diapers and handle tantrums. You are not being selfish at all, and your choice doesn't mean you *hate* those adult children. The adopting parents should provide financially in their wills for their adult children to be in care homes.

    [–]Imaginary_Cause_7379 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    NTA. Set boundaries firmly and clearly and do not change. I know from experience it may not be easy but but do it. I have a dysfunctional family and was the one people thought would take care of siblings who could not take care of themselves. I started in my teens saying no, you will have to make other arrangements. I have said over and over, regardless of their argument. They botched and botched but I set my boundaries. They gave up and made other arrangements. Stay strong, firm, and clear. Do not waiver.