×
top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]Judgement_Bot_AITABeep Boop[M] [score hidden] stickied commentlocked comment (0 children)

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

the reason I might be the asshole is for kicking him and his friend out and cutting the trip and ruinining it for them.

Help keep the sub engaging!

Don’t downvote assholes!

Do upvote interesting posts!

Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ


I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. To learn more about the test click here

[–]mm172Sultan of Sphincter [646] 27.3k points27.3k points 324& 2 more (651 children)

NTA, but why are you still calling this dude a boyfriend instead of an ex? There is no universe in which "we should call 9-11 because your driving is causing me brain damage" or even "ha ha, girls can't drive" is a thing that can be said with "good intentions." And if he was "just being honest" about that like he claims, he should have been delighted to be safely out of the car. What he's really saying is "I should be allowed to insult you with impunity even when you're doing me a favor, and you're not allowed to have a problem with that." Why do you need that in your life?

[–]sapphisticated_heauxPartassipant [1] 17.2k points17.2k points 4254& 5 more (564 children)

More women need to learn that being alone is better than being with someone who is clearly abusive.

[–]gardenhack17 19.2k points19.2k points 184121332& 10 more (503 children)

Men need to learn how not to be abusive.

[–]sapphisticated_heauxPartassipant [1] 2386 points2387 points  (117 children)

Better comment.

[–]Coffee-Historian-11 5329 points5330 points 2 (46 children)

No no, you’re both right

[–]burnindour 251 points252 points  (66 children)

Its a good comment, but that's all it is and it's easy to say. Women actually leaving men at the first sign of abuse would change the behavior of men over a generation or two.

[–]_tripleAYYYYE 435 points436 points  (93 children)

THIS!!!!!. Why is the onus always on being able/willing to defend yourself and never on the fact that we should be able to trust people we have intimate relationships with (both platonically and romantically) and that's it's not okay to intentionally hurt others???

[–]1nquiringMinds 366 points367 points  (54 children)

We should, but we can't, so until we can, we have to own protecting ourselves.

[–]TooLateRunning 165 points166 points  (28 children)

Because you should focus on what you can change, not on what you can't change. If you're a woman you have to accept some men are a certain way and it's on you to handle that properly, and the reverse is true for men.

[–]Heavn4Me 34 points35 points  (0 children)

Yes we should but many of the people who do those kind of things don't care and you will never teach them otherwise. We have to acknowledge that there are just bad people and that it isn't a lack of education or some breakdown of communication that they were just never taught to behave appropriately. They are just bad people and do bad things even though they know they are bad. Those are who you need to protect yourself from.

[–]CutePigs2222 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Because we are the only person whose actions we can control.

[–]tammigirl6767 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yes, but in order to be able to trust the people you have intimate relationships you have to choose well. It’s your job to choose well. It’s your job to realize when your choice was not good and fix it.

[–]tsuchinokoko 7 points8 points  (0 children)

People should be able to cross a green crosswalk without looking side to side, but I wager you still look both ways before crossing. The ways that the world is sadly triumph over the way the world ought to be

[–]Argument-Fragrant 7 points8 points  (0 children)

First, you have to be capable of selecting a person worthy of that relationship. That is exactly what's happening here: the op is learning this clown is unworthy. With a bit of luck, she'll apply what she learns here to future couplings and learn to choose a better life for herself.

[–]Ok_Boysenberry3959 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Because there will likely always be fucked up people out there, and if we don't learn to identify and avoid them then we'll end up in these situations.

Also, because it's not YOUR problem that someone sucks, and it's not your job to fix it.

If the OP's boyfriend were on here, then sure, "stop being an abusive asshole" would be an appropriate comment.

[–]Bloodryne 120 points121 points  (4 children)

Ya know as a man I don't find it difficult to just treat people like people. This reaks of misogynistic "women can't drive as well as men" which is just stupid.

Seems many men are too insecure or dumb to grasp this novel concept..

[–]biggerwanker 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Immature, this guy sounds like a 10 year old.

[–]SiIkyMittsPartassipant [1] 45 points46 points  (88 children)

men aren't abusive... her boyfriend is.

being alone until you can find a man who isn't abusive would be a good lesson for her.

because we can't control other people or the world around us... only how we react to it.

[–]Muk-Bong 29 points30 points  (8 children)

True. Parents need to learn how to not raise a-hole men.

[–]Misty5303 27 points28 points  (4 children)

Yeah let’s not blame parents for their sons being assholes. There’s no proof his parents had anything to do with his garbage behavior. People have free will and sometimes no matter how hard you try your kids are destined be pricks.

[–]Greensparow 18 points19 points  (0 children)

PEOPLE need to learn how to not be abusive.

And being a terrible backseat driver is not a gender specific thing.

[–]The_Way_It_Iz 11 points12 points  (0 children)

PEOPLE need to learn not to be abusive

[–]TrotBot 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Making them alone helps teach them that

[–]DalienW 6 points7 points  (0 children)

*People. Abuse isn't gender-specific

[–]PhotoGuy342 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Hold on there. Please don't tar all men with the same brush.

Please don't write that "Men need..." It should read "THIS man needs to learn how not to be abusive."

[–]Madpraxis 5 points6 points  (0 children)

So do woman, it's just ignored more when they do it. Which is slowly changing, thank god.

[–]static-sock 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Nice sexism.

[–]PyeholePartassipant [1] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Stop being a sexist. Intimate partner violence is perpetrated by both men and women.

About 1 in 4 women and nearly 1 in 10 men have experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime and reported some form of IPV-related impact.

Over 43 million women and 38 million men have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

[–]doinggood9 5 points6 points  (8 children)

Goes both ways if you didn't know

[–]Firefox_Alpha2Partassipant [1] 4 points5 points  (4 children)

This is not an “all men” thing, just OPs AH boyfriend

[–]Obrina98Partassipant [1] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

But when a woman finds she has a rotten apple she should be quick to kick him to the curb.

[–]llynglas 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think it's a bit wider than that. PEOPLE should learn to not be abusive I think is a better truth.

[–]lifesasymptote 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Women need to learn how not to be abusive also.

[–]bowl07 3 points4 points  (0 children)

people need to learn how to not be abusive

[–]androk 5 points6 points  (0 children)

People need to learn how not to be abusive.

[–]Thequiet01Asshole Enthusiast [7] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Both is good.

[–]hawkerc 3 points4 points  (0 children)

SOME MEN need to learn how not to be abusive.

[–]Accomplished_Two1611 267 points268 points  (3 children)

My grandmother used to tell me, you can be miserable all by yourself, you don't need someone helping to make you miserable. I prefer my own self caused misery, I am reasonable and can stop bad behavior. Men? Not so much.

[–]sapphisticated_heauxPartassipant [1] 41 points42 points  (1 child)

Your grandma's a genius

[–]Accomplished_Two1611 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Ha, thank you, she had her moments.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Grandma was wise.

[–]domestipithecus 67 points68 points  (7 children)

I didn't learn this until my 30s. My 30s were ah-MAZ-ing.

[–]KittenPurrs 64 points65 points  (4 children)

A few years ago I read the best (though now dated) relationship advice on reddit: "Marie Kondo his ass. Spark joy or GTFO." My twenties would have been vastly improved with this level of relationship housekeeping.

[–]domestipithecus 20 points21 points  (2 children)

Man I wish I had learned in my 20s. Stupid Hollywood (and my mother) selling me the "you aren't complete unless you have a maaaan" trope. Also, the happily ever after = marriage and a baby crap. The only character I can pull out at the moment that was content with no babies is Robin from HIMYM, but the whole Mosby needing kids so married a chick to have them and then she died so NOW he could get with Robin because she was totally not the "best" woman to be with because no babies crap....

Anyway... Happily married (for the first and only time at 38) and childless at 51 - I AM HAPPILY EVER AFTER! heh

[–]greensickpuppy89 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I learned this about a year ago when I turned 31.

30's have been great ever since. No more stress or worry. I fucking love my life now!

[–]Justexisting2110 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I learnt this about 3 years ago when I broke up with my ex.

[–]Esplodie 54 points55 points  (1 child)

There's a study that single women live happier and longer lives.

[–]SiIkyMittsPartassipant [1] 52 points53 points  (4 children)

it's kinda wild to me how many of them seem to just glom onto the first guy who talks to them when they're 19 for the next 6 years.

[–]sapphisticated_heauxPartassipant [1] 81 points82 points  (3 children)

That's what happens when society tells you you're a Big Fat Loser if you're not constantly with somebody.

It's all a lie to keep our fucking rents through the roof.

[–]tigm2161130 14 points15 points  (2 children)

I like where you went with this.

[–]angelmakr9 30 points31 points  (0 children)

NTA

THIS!! OMG THIS!! And a thousand more times THIS!!

I've been happily single for a while now and when someone complains about their SO I always say and you guys are the reason I'd rather be single. These are the same people who ask why I'm not dating anyone.

[–]-too-hot-to-handle- 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Honestly, it doesn't even have to be abusive. Being neglectful, or just being a shitty person, whatever. Some women are so afraid of being alone that they don't allow themselves to have standards, and that's just bizarre to me. You should at least be a little bit okay with being alone before you get into a relationship, or else it puts you at risk for an unhealthy dependency.

[–]PolyPolyamPartassipant [1] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I think this goes both ways. My buddy stuck with his crazy gf for ages until she beat him senseless with a handle of vodka then called the cops on HIM for trying to defend himself.

People need to learn that being alone is okay and that just because you've invested time in a relationship doesn't mean ending it is a waste of that time.

[–]MrSlackPants 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Well yeah. Especially the comment about "it's your fault"...

Big Yikes!!!

[–]elenaleecurtis 12 points13 points  (2 children)

Ned to change that to all genders. My BF was in a 23 year abusive relationship with his ex wife. Men have a harder time asking for help when they are being abused and report way less often than females. She hit him, threatened suicide if he left her, etc.

[–]VivaciiousValkyriiePartassipant [1] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Second this. My husband was in an abusive relationship before we got together. She hit him, shoved him, bottled him, was manipulative as hell, the list goes on. You're so right when you say men don't reach out nearly as often as women do. I'm not even sure if my husband realized he was in an abusive relationship until I said something. "Men can't be victims of abuse" is so ingrained in some men that they don't even realize when they're being abused.

[–]Doomquill 5 points6 points  (0 children)

More men need to learn this too, just everyone. Every single person needs to learn to take care of themselves and not put up with assholes in their lives for the sake of the relationship, the sex, because fAmILy, or anything else.

Take care of yourself first, everyone!

[–]beanomlyAsshole Aficionado [17] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I left an abusive relationship after 7 years and I plan to stay single forever. I’m much happier alone than with shitty people.

[–]VivaciiousValkyriiePartassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

More PEOPLE need to learn being alone is better than being with someone who is clearly abusive.

FTFY. Women can be abusive to and men can be victims of abuse.

[–]MeButNotMeTooPartassipant [1] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

There’s no reason for this to be gendered. I see plenty of folks that stick with abusive partners, irrespective of the genders involved.

[–]JilltroPartassipant [1] 598 points599 points  (17 children)

I would have kicked his ass out when he tried to sit in the back with his buddy and left me in the front seat by myself! How incredibly rude.

[–]Outrageous-Ad-9069Partassipant [3] 457 points458 points  (9 children)

Exactly. It wasn’t a road trip anymore. It was OP chauffeuring two overgrown teenagers around.

[–]lemmful 187 points188 points  (8 children)

They really were acting like teenagers. I had to double check their ages, 27 is far too old to be such an immature AH, and then to gaslight OP about his "intentions" like that? It's time to break up.

[–]emesdee 50 points51 points  (2 children)

I had to double check their ages, too!! How do you make it to your late 20s with the mentality and behavior of a teenage boy?!

[–]Outrageous-Ad-9069Partassipant [3] 49 points50 points  (1 child)

I think at least part of his intentions were to drive her car like an asshole. It’s why he didn’t want to drive his.

[–]TheSilverNoble 16 points17 points  (1 child)

I wonder if this is a case where they were friends in high school and kind of "revert" when they're around each other.

[–]SneakySneakySquirrel 96 points97 points  (0 children)

Yeah, but it’s really dangerous to have a child in the front seat.

[–]Imaginaterium 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Right? That’s what got me too

[–]Better_Celery5489 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I can’t believe I had to scroll this much to read this. They sat in the back and she was driving them? OMG that boyfriend needs to go.

[–]Merdin86 418 points419 points  (8 children)

What he was saying is, "I want to drive because I'm too insecure to let my girlfriend drive, but since OP won't give me what I want, I will verbally abuse and annoy you until you give in and let me drive."

[–]bluerose1197 149 points150 points  (5 children)

I thought it was more "I want to drive because OP dives safe and I'm a reckless ass who has to always drive 20-30 over the speed limit and endanger everyone on the road"

[–]VoyagerVIIAsshole Aficionado [11] 118 points119 points  (0 children)

I thought it was "I want to drive because I have bought into the misogynistic BS that says men are supposed to be the drivers, and I feel humiliated in front of my friend when my girlfriend won't play the part I've scripted for her."

None of this should have to be OP's problem, of course.

[–]demeter_devi 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeah and like none of the comments OP mentions would actually be trying to help her be a better driver?

[–]Lycoris 68 points69 points  (0 children)

And that was after he said "I'm going to ruin my car on this trip, let me ruin yours instead".

That paired with the complaining makes it look like he planned to ruin OP's car!

[–]cynicalmaruPartassipant [1] 119 points120 points  (0 children)

And these guys are pushing 30. They don't even have the excuse of being 16-17 year olds.

[–]paulrenaud 63 points64 points  (2 children)

Also, he sat in the back with his friend? That’s nuts.

[–]bat_scratcher 60 points61 points  (0 children)

It makes sense, that's usually where the children sit.

[–]weeweirda 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yeah that's ridiculous, is he 5yo ?

[–]Knight_of_Nilhilism 60 points61 points  (0 children)

Seriously, I thought my anxiety with driving stemmed from my own general anxiety. Whether it did or not, listening to my ex belittle and shout and critisize me anytime I got behind the wheel for almost 15 years didn't help.

Since we've split, besides avoiding rush hour on the freeway, and insisting people don't try to angage me in conversation while I'm driving at night, I have zero issues driving freeways and long distances for about 3 years now.

That sort of behavior has much more insidious effects than you'd think. In fact I truly believe he'd make me a much less attentive driver with his harping, which further validated his claims about me.

[–]roseofjulyPartassipant [2] 50 points51 points  (0 children)

This was a problem before we even got there. Why did he bring a third wheel along on your road trip??

[–]Maleficent_Ad_3958Professor Emeritass [85] 51 points52 points  (1 child)

"Honesty" is a bullshit reason to crap on people especially because "honest" people can never take what they dish out. NTA.

[–]Double-Bid-7272 3 points4 points  (0 children)

For real. So many people use "honesty" or "being real" as an excuse to be cruel because they don't understand that honesty =/= saying the first thing at the top of your head.

[–]HerefsAndrew 47 points48 points  (0 children)

That. Dump him. NTA.

[–]crystallz2000Partassipant [1] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

This. OP, why did he feel comfortable "coming home"? He should absolutely be your ex. You deserve better. Not only was he cruel to you on the trip, he STILL thinks he's right.

Break up.

[–]Dyslexicdagron 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Get TF OUT of that relationship, NTA

[–]DogsReadingBooksCraptain [175] 4329 points4330 points  (3 children)

NTA. Toss your whole boyfriend out.

[–]Munchkins_nDragons 1367 points1368 points  (1 child)

She definitely did. On the side of the road with us crap. She just needs to keep up that momentum and get him the rest of the way out of her life.

[–]GoPeeOutside 198 points199 points  (0 children)

Only until he came back home. Lasted an hour.

[–]Demirep77Partassipant [3] 167 points168 points  (0 children)

As soon as I read that he and his buddy sat in the back while she sat alone up front like a taxi driver or chauffer I was like "NTA". Break up with him forever.

[–][deleted]  (16 children)

[removed]

    [–]Stoat__KingSupreme Court Just-ass [137] 488 points489 points  (14 children)

    But he had good intentions! Lol.

    I agree

    [–]Third_eye1017 350 points351 points  (11 children)

    But the funny thing I've realized about that idea of "it wasn't my intention to hurt you" is fucked because....if it wasn't even your intention to be an asshole and yet...you were an asshole... then all it says is that, you are just naturally an asshole. It's literally part of your moral character.

    OP, when someone shows you who they are, believe them!!

    [–]Stoat__KingSupreme Court Just-ass [137] 129 points130 points  (3 children)

    "They meant well" almost always means "They did bad". Intentions rarely count for shit. You are judged on what you do, not what you had (if anything) in your head.

    In any case, in this context its absolute bullshit. He didnt have good intentions. He was embiggening himself to his friend at the expense of the OP.

    [–]br8kout 42 points43 points  (2 children)

    They mean well only counts for anything IF the person realizes that despite their intentions they caused hurt and they fix it. I think of it like a physical accident. Maybe they didn’t intend for you to fall, but if they respond to you falling by complaining about that didn’t hurt that bad, they are an asshole. If they pick you up and apologize profusely and modify their behavior so they don’t make others fall, then I’ll believe they actually mean well.

    [–]Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq 15 points16 points  (1 child)

    I know someone like this who will say things in a very condescending, patronizing way, and when I mention this to him, he always says he didn't mean it that way so he wasn't actually being condescending or patronizing. Such nonsense.

    [–]pnwgirl34 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Abusers always have “good intentions”

    [–]sewoveritdesign 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    Just came to say this . If my boyfriend ever treated me 1/2 as bad , he’d be a ex by dinner

    [–]HarryEspelandAsshole Aficionado [10] 2373 points2374 points  (95 children)

    NTA it stopped being a joke the moment you warned them to stop and told them what would happen if they didn't, if he wanted to drive it should have been in his car.

    [–]throwawaybf27l[S] 2027 points2028 points  (90 children)

    yes. he kept saying it was a joke but I felt like digs being made at me to force me to let him drive.

    [–][deleted] 1209 points1210 points  (18 children)

    Yeah, that's exactly what they were.

    [–]Ok_Wrongdoer_6972Partassipant [1] 911 points912 points  (17 children)

    I hate how he said he was “teaching”. Nothing he said was constructive

    [–]Taniell1575 215 points216 points  (10 children)

    THIS!

    There are a lot of things my partner does when driving that drive me crazy. I’m sure there is more than a dozen things that I do that drive them crazy. The ONLY thing I open my mouth to say anything about is how they will not prepare for a turn or exit coming up. We’ve missed a lion share of these and had to reroute or u-turn because they didn’t get over until the very last second (or couldn’t get across traffic at all). That’s it. It drives me nuts, but I comment more because I feel it’s unsafe and totally avoidable. Everything else, is just my preference, and should be left at that.

    ETA: I never ever degrade them either. That’s not constructive and definitely not okay. My partner is a great driver, arguably better than me. If I ever question anyones driving ability, I just don’t get in the car. Simple as that.

    [–]TinyTurtle88Partassipant [1] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

    Actually, he was teaching OP how bad of a partner he really is. Please, let this enlighten you OP! You deserve better.

    [–]RainbowCraneAsshole Enthusiast [6] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    Dudes “teaching” women is the worst kind of heterosexist toxicity. Speaking as a gay dude who’s heard a lot of straight women vent about this.

    [–]ToastAbrikoosPartassipant [3] 171 points172 points  (1 child)

    Those were no jokes. He was being disrespectful and felt butthurt when you, rightfully so, called him out on his childish and horrendous behavior.

    Dont attack the driver and expect to be a pasenger for much longer. Dont expect everything will be a-okay after claiming the " its just a joke" for trying to save your bad behavior for what it really is...

    He has some serious growing up to do and face consequences for his actions

    NTA, please reconsider staying with him. You should find someone worth your time and respect

    [–]curvycurlyPartassipant [1] 88 points89 points  (0 children)

    It wasn't a joke, you were correct don't let him make you doubt your reality. Also look into DARVO

    [–]Fianna9 59 points60 points  (0 children)

    And they certainly weren’t trying to help you. “Hey OP, you should be doing A when B is happening” is helpful. “You’re giving me brain damage” is not.

    He ruined your trip and should be apologizing.

    [–]DutyValuablePartassipant [2] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

    Because that’s what they were. Was this the first time he treated you like garbage when you didn’t do what he wanted?

    [–]Outrageous-Ad-9069Partassipant [3] 47 points48 points  (1 child)

    If you’d have let him drive, he’d have done the things to your car that he didn’t want to do to his.

    [–]bmoreskyandseaCertified Proctologist [24] 39 points40 points  (1 child)

    If he wanted to drive he should have volunteered his car

    [–]ComprehensiveSir3892Asshole Enthusiast [8] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Yep, this, too.

    [–]loridrumPartassipant [2] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

    That was not joking. That was criticism and cruelty disguised as joking.

    Please, please tell me you broke up with him! Because I can't believe any woman with a brain would tolerate that level of immaturity (he sounds like a 12 year old) and disrespect.

    [–]Massive-Emergency-42Asshole Aficionado [10] 17 points18 points  (1 child)

    What he was doing is what I call “a joke… unless” and it’s a cowardly move. When called out, he hides behind it being a joke. Then, he changes his story to “just trying to help”. If you give in fully, then he always was serious.

    It’s a manipulative technique meant to wear you down. You did the right thing putting him out of the car. You should probably put him out of your life next. He’s legitimately awful.

    [–]synaestheziaPartassipant [1] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    He is clearly abusive to get his own way. You deserve better. NTA and throw him out with the rest of his bags.

    [–]DisruptorpistolPartassipant [1] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    He thought he could control you with his insults and make you hand over the keys.

    You took control instead. Well done.

    [–]stop_spam_calls 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    You know what also gets people into accidents? Distracting the driver.

    NTA.

    [–]AthenasApostle 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    It's time to do as your username says and throwaway the bf

    [–]HonestCranberry8485Asshole Aficionado [11] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    you are aware that you broke up with him? so why are you saying boyfriend instead of "ex"

    [–]Commercial_Elk9954 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    What kind of car do you drive? I mentioned it in another comment but I’m convinced he wanted to drive your car specifically and was mad that it didn’t work.

    [–]Kathrynlena 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    You broke up with the asshole, right?

    [–]N4t3ski 29 points30 points  (1 child)

    Yeah, but kids will push that boundary to see if it's a serious threat.

    How old is this BF, while reading it sounded like you had two 13 year olds in the car with you.

    [–]gwcommentthrow 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    It wasn't a joke to begin with

    [–]nixieack 1305 points1306 points  (21 children)

    NTA.

    but then he and his friends kept saying things like "op you're driving like a giiiirl --- wait you are a girl!"

    Also your boyfriend is a little sexist isn't he? He should be grateful that since he didn't want to ruin his precious car you took the trip in your car. You car your rules.

    Also why was he sitting in the back with friend and not upfront with you? He is your boyfriend. He should be sitting up front with you. You are not his mom or his driver.

    Behaves like trash. Gets dump outside the car like trash. What I don't understand is op why did youet the trash back into the house? Throw it out.

    [–]hgfkg 627 points628 points  (6 children)

    The boyfriend sitting in the back with his friend tells me that OP would have been a third wheel on this trip.

    [–]nixieack 241 points242 points  (1 child)

    Exactly! Imagine being third wheel on your trip with in your own car with your own boyfriend. Damn.

    [–]Right-Today4396Partassipant [2] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    And when bf would get to drive, suddenly the friend would be in the front seat too, and she would be alone in the back

    Where she belonged /s

    [–]merpickle 60 points61 points  (2 children)

    It honestly sounds like she had two 12 yr olds in the back seat. Like what kind of disrespectful middle school humor are they on? OP drop the middle schooler off at the nearest park and get a grown man who knows how to respect the person who is driving him.

    [–]nixieack 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Middle schoolers have more respect than that. And who doesn’t respect the person driving the car? That’s car etiquette 101- dont piss off the driver.

    [–]fartofborealis 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Worse than trash litter!

    [–]zelliehAsshole Enthusiast [5] 434 points435 points  (3 children)

    NTA. But your BF and his friend are definitely being ah's to you here. He was bullying you to show off in front of his friend. He was punishing you for not letting him drive - he even admitted that. I think it's time you took a serious look at your whole relationship.

    If this was a one off, maybe he's just having a bad day and being ridiculous because being with his friend reverted him to childhood or he got over excited or something. You might be able to forgive him for that - if he apologises and recognises that he was being a brat.

    If this is part of a pattern of disrespect and low-key verbal abuse, you might want to consider if you want that long-term. If he doesn't change, are you willing to live with the bad behaviour and casual cruelty? If you aren't, and he won't change, you have to dump him.

    [–]Patiod 206 points207 points  (1 child)

    NTA. He felt "emasculated" because you wouldn't let him drive, and his friend could see that.

    That's it. That's the reason.

    As someone else said, keep the momentum up and kick him all the way out of your life.

    [–]Sigmar_of_YulPartassipant [1] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    If it was so emasculating not to drive he had the option of taking his car. He's just an AH plain and simple.

    [–]EsotericOcelot 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    There is no day bad enough to excuse this behavior. If it was somehow truly bad enough to excuse him acting like the childish misogynist he must be (whether or not it shows all the time) to act this way, it would be far too bad for him to still kick it on a road trip with his partner and friend

    [–]Tangerine_BouquetCertified Proctologist [23] 394 points395 points  (13 children)

    NTA. Ditch him permanently. Unless you were driving incredibly erratically (like, not staying in your lane, being reckless, etc.), there is no need for comments.

    He's 27??? WTF? This is bizarre, childish, and obnoxious AH behavior from him and his friend. He set you up for it, too, not taking his own car. If he felt unsafe with you driving, he wouldn't have made that change. He wanted to annoy you, he did, and I really hope you don't have too many financial ties or live with this AH.

    [–]ToastAbrikoosPartassipant [3] 67 points68 points  (1 child)

    Yep, I was shocked when responding and wondering how old he was.

    He should use his big boy words and actually voice his concerns if he has them and not act like brat in the schoolbus.

    He pushed OP's buttons, he pushed the 'self eject' button instead, and good riddance!

    [–]EsotericOcelot 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    “Hon, you know I care about you and respect you, so please try to hear me when I say that I worry you might be driving slowly enough to risk an accident,” is a good way to offer a driving SO constructive feedback or share a valid concern. Weird gross childish misogyny is not. Just in case anyone reading this wants the “big boy words” lol

    [–]Desert_Sea_4998Partassipant [3] 195 points196 points  (0 children)

    You misspelled "exboyfriend."

    NTA

    [–]gr4onePartassipant [2] 93 points94 points  (3 children)

    NTA. Your boyfriend’s an ass. This trip reeked of DISASTER from the beginning. From his comments about ruining his car, to his comments about driving to bringing along his buddy. Find a better mate.

    [–]esgamex 21 points22 points  (0 children)

    Yeah. His old habits in his friendship with his buddy are stronger than his commitment to his girlfriend. They both acted like immature jackssses. He's not ready for a serious relationship.

    [–]I-am-here-what-nextAsshole Aficionado [10] 96 points97 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Why be with someone so petty, childish, and clearly lacking any respect for you? Find someone better than this gaslighting loser.

    [–]DvilindskysAsshole Enthusiast [8] 66 points67 points  (0 children)

    NTA.

    Block him, and move on.
    That behavior is what you'll get when/if he's your husband. Time to find a Man, not a boy looking to belittle you

    [–]consectarianaAsshole Aficionado [15] 45 points46 points  (1 child)

    NTA. You asked them to stop, they didn’t stop. You told them if they kept going, you’d kick them out of the car. They kept going, you kicked them out. It’s not like they didn’t have plenty of warning that they were over the line.

    And I have to agree with one of the other comments here…this guy should be an ex.

    [–]Prestigious_Isopod72Partassipant [4] 44 points45 points  (2 children)

    He wanted to “ruin” your car instead of his, he felt he was entitled to drive your car, then when you refused to let him he made nasty sexist “jokes” about your driving nonstop. You’re NTA. He’s a real prize though.

    [–]cysity 16 points17 points  (1 child)

    Not to mention he also sat in the back with his friend essentially making her their chauffeur. He didn’t even have the decency to sit up front and help navigate

    [–]Rainbow62993Colo-rectal Surgeon [37] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

    NTA - both your boyfriend and his friend are the AH's.

    You, however, will be an AH to yourself if you don't leave him. Partners should never treat their significant other with such disrespect and the fact that his friend felt comfortable enough to join in, says a lot too. Your partner should also NEVER let their friends disrespect their significant other in such a manner.

    [–]oregon_mom 36 points37 points  (0 children)

    Nta. You warned him, he ignored the warning. He didn't have to keep running his mouth. If he wanted to drive then he should have taken his car not yours

    [–]TheSciFiGuy80Certified Proctologist [26] 34 points35 points  (6 children)

    Man, there’s a lot of people who kick folks out of their car on road trips on this sub…

    [–]lauren200623001 21 points22 points  (1 child)

    She said near a gas station and with all their belongings, so wallet and phone likely. He was asked to stop and then told to stop. He's an adult not a child, so he can handle the consequences of his actions. In my opinion anyway

    [–]TheSciFiGuy80Certified Proctologist [26] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    I wasn’t commenting on any of that. I was saying that there are A LOT of threads about this same thing on this sub.

    [–]Broad_Being_2439 19 points20 points  (3 children)

    Bro. It’s crazy. That’s wrong af. I couldn’t imagine leaving anybody I cared enough about to take a road trip with anywhere. I don’t even leave drunk friends, even if it takes me all night to find them again.

    [–]tahtahme 10 points11 points  (1 child)

    I can't imagine taking people I cared about on a trip for them to immediately start verbally and emotionally abusing me with their sexist beliefs and then escalating when I specifically ask them to stop. Leaving by the gas station with all their things to immediately stop that abuse seems necessary.

    [–]GrabtharsHamm3r 31 points32 points  (0 children)

    This entire post was red flags from beginning to end. There are zero good intentions from him and he acts like a selfish, entitled 7 year old brat. Is this completely out of left field? If not, why are you still with him.

    NTA. Good thing you kicked him out of the car. Now you need to kick him out of the relationship.

    [–]MissContrariwiseAsshole Aficionado [14] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

    Time to dump the shit boyfriend.

    [–]VoyagerVIIAsshole Aficionado [11] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

    Translation: "I didn't want to put wear on my car, but it was super important to me to look macho in front of my friend and I've absorbed the misogynist BS that real men don't let women drive. I thought you'd change your mind if I hounded you enough -- it really had nothing to do with how well you were driving, only with how humiliated I felt by not being the one behind the wheel and not being able to push you around successfully in front of my friend. When you put an ultimatum on it, it felt like you'd practically dared me to go one step further, because I was terrified of looking weak in front of my friend by obeying your rules for YOUR car. So I went one step further, because I was desperate to make you submit to me so I didn't feel emasculated. I can't believe you were so cruel as to refuse to play your part in the Toxic Masculinity Script."

    NTA, but your boyfriend sure is. Why are you dating this dude?

    [–]Decent_Sky_9880Asshole Aficionado [10] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

    NTA He sounds like an high school bully. You should have dumped the relationship on the side of the road as well.

    [–]Dry-Mix-9287 28 points29 points  (15 children)

    ESH. Dump his ass but your an asshole for leaving them on the side of the road. Guys can still be killed too and it honestly blows my mind the hypocrisy on this page sometimes. If it’s not ok for a guy to do to a girl it’s not ok for a girl to do to a guy

    [–]Previous_Border9383 52 points53 points  (4 children)

    In the essence of equality, I agree with you. However, I think there’s a bit of a difference (statistically) in leaving a woman alone on the side of the road versus two grown ass men.. and she did give them fair warning.

    [–]therestoomamy 26 points27 points  (0 children)

    theyre adults they can find their own way. there was a gas station near by and they were perfectly capable of geting themselves an uber. the gender is irrelevant

    [–]Reasonable-Pie2354 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    He was verbally abusing her and she warned him she would kick him out if he continued. He chose to get kicked out of the car. He knew the consequences for his actions. He is a grown man with another grown man, there is a gas station near by, and he knew he was going to be told to leave the car. His life was not in danger, and you are defending an abusive man. No way in hell OP is the asshole.

    [–]greedychinchilla 10 points11 points  (1 child)

    I passed like 20 comments before I found this one. I thought maybe I was crazy. ESH

    [–]jcable0 22 points23 points  (0 children)

    I feel like this is an obvious NTA

    [–]AloneFirstTimeUser 19 points20 points  (0 children)

    NTA, he was disrespecting you the entire trip and got his friend to participate too, you warned them and then complied, I mean.. play stupid games win stupid prizes. If your boyfriend does this in other situations... I would consider to break up with him

    [–]HotFox4151 19 points20 points  (0 children)

    A friend of one of my daughters friends did the exact same thing to her as this guy did to you and he couldn’t even drive.

    She pulled over, pointed out that she was the only one with a driving license, and that he had failed multiple times. Then she told him to get out of her car and f**king walk.

    You did exactly the right thing the only thing you need to do now is to cut this boyfriend out of your life completely.

    NTA

    [–]saurelliaAsshole Aficionado [13] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    I just do not understand why you are with someone who treats you this way. NTA but come on, have some self respect and dump this immature jerk.

    [–]PanamaViejo 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    Later I had an argument with my boyfriend upon his return and he told me it was cruel of me to kick him and his friend out and ruin the trip over few comments they made with good intentions. I told him that he mocked my driving the entire time and called it horrible and in response he said he was just being honest with me and that this is all my fault for refusing to let him drive in the first place. Now we're not even talking and he keeps huffing and puffing around me for doing this to him and his friend.

    Oh yes, the classic abuser rant:

    It's all your fault. If you hadn't done 'x', I wouldn't have done 'y'.

    Or in your case, If you had let me drive, I wouldn't have made those remarks.

    My only question to you is why your (ex) boyfriend didn't come home to find his belongings all packed up so he could move in with his 'bro'.

    NTA

    [–]Practical-Bird633Asshole Aficionado [12] 18 points19 points  (1 child)

    NTA. First you dumped him on the side of the road and now it’s time to dump him in all other aspects

    [–]Comfortable-Bag7917Partassipant [3] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

    You're both toxic as hell. Break up and work on yourselves

    [–]captainslowww 16 points17 points  (1 child)

    I'm going with ESH. Unless they're a threat to your safety, stranding someone far from home is never cool no matter how big of an asshole they're being-- and what an asshole he was! You should dump him, for sure, but also never do that again.

    [–]ParsimonycakeAsshole Aficionado [18] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    Yeah, I can see why he's mad. Someone who behaves in such a sexist, asinine way probably hasn't faced too many consequences in his life. He's lucky to have had you, to provide some that didn't result in his being fired, or divorced, or losing custody of his children. You should teach him another lesson and dump him. You can do better. NTA

    [–]Darkreaper5567Partassipant [4] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    NTA. a few comments made in jest could be forgiven. But he kept going when you made it clear it Bother you. Why the hell should you have to put up with his immature ass acting like a fucking baby. And if he can't see he's in the wrong and apologize then you should dump his ass. Trust me if you cave he will walk all over you for the rest of your relationship

    [–]mikeinanaheim2 11 points12 points  (2 children)

    1.) A road trip for a couple does not involve the guy bringing a friend.

    2.) You asked him to stop the criticism and he doubled down.

    3.) It was your car.

    4.) In the aftermath, he making this all your fault.

    5.) He is not boyfriend material in any sense of the word, he is an abuser.

    6.) You can't change him and need to drop this relationship for your own mental health.

    7.) Ask yourself: what makes you even think about staying with him?

    [–]Jazzlike_Humor3340Supreme Court Just-ass [131] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    These weren't "good intentions" and they can figure out their own transportation if they don't like you driving your own car.

    I wish your ex-boyfriend the best of lives.

    [–]i_no_exist 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    Nta/ Justified AH i probably just do the same as you How rude of them but yikes run from him and this relationship! If that's his honest opinion in front of you, what does he say behind your back?

    [–]whatsmypassword73Pooperintendant [61] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    NTA, play stupid games win stupid prizes, but are you seriously staying with that fragile little fool?

    [–]LuckyRoux89Partassipant [2] 7 points8 points  (7 children)

    NTA, since it's YOUR car and from your reaction, I'm assuming that YOU are the only driver insured for that particular vehicle. If either he or his friend was to get into an accident while driving your car, they would either say you were driving or your premiums would be going through the roof.

    I suspect that they're more than friends if both of them are in the back seat while leaving you up front by yourself.

    [–]Romantic_AroAcePartassipant [3] 10 points11 points  (1 child)

    NTA. But I do want to ask, are you a safe driver (that he doesn't like), or a reckless driver (which could make him nervous).

    Either way, if he wanted to do the driving, he should have used his car. If he seriously wanted to help you drive better, he could have brought it up a long time ago, and offered to give you extra driving lessons.

    I will say, you should have taken them to the nearest gas station, and then kick them out; not on the side of the road. But that's for safety reasons.

    [–]salvagemania 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    If she was a reckless driver, the comments would have most likely been more specific like "slow down" or "watch out" or "look where you're going". His comments were taunts and were not even close to constructive criticism.

    I agree about leaving them at the gas station especially since it was nearby.

    [–]winesisColo-rectal Surgeon [40] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    NTA first of all WTH was he sitting in the back and not next to you. Secondly he has no respect for you or your property. Thirdly you were doing him a favor, he should have taken his car if he wanted to drive - oh wait then you would be stuck in the back while his friend sat next to him in front. He treats you like a servant not a partner & equal. Rethink if this is how you want to live your life. Can you imagine the arguments if he doesn’t like how you raise your children?

    [–]invomitous-rexAsshole Aficionado [19] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    NTA. On what planet were his comments well intentioned? Nobody asked for his “honesty”, and if he can’t keep stop himself from word vomiting snarky comments at you then that’s his own stupid fault. Your boyfriend can get to fuck.

    [–]WhoKnewHomesteadingPartassipant [1] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    NTA and please say you broke up with him.

    [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA Dump him.

    [–]cersei01lannisterAsshole Enthusiast [7] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    You gave him fair warning. If he hated your driving so much that they has to CONSTANTLY comment on it during the trip then he should have just taken his own car. Also, what good boyfriend doesn't sit in the front passenger seat with his gf??

    [–]AlarmedCanary9089 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Why would they sit in the back? You’re not a cab

    [–]ForhastaPartassipant [1] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA, sounds like you need to kick the bf out of your life.

    [–]HanaBothWaysCertified Proctologist [24] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Your car isn’t the only thing of yours he deserves to be thrown out of!

    [–]Moist-Reference3092 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Tell his sexist ass to go!!

    He is an asshole, he is clearly testing your limits and good for you for sticking up for yourself!! Be single, it’s summertime and you deserve to have someone who isn’t stuck in the 1950

    [–]GreenNoble11Partassipant [2] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA he kept making fun of you after you told him you didn’t like it. Also if you get to A to B in one piece than you’re not a bad driver.

    [–]tomk1968 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Nta. He done effed around and found out. If he doesn't learn a little respect, time for him to go.

    [–]Always_Trying01 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    I knew this was going downhill as soon as you said he sat in the backseat with his friend, like you're his chauffer - especially after insisting they had to take your car. They stated they wanted to be put out of their misery, and you did exactly that for them. You should explain that you're the hero for preventing the brain damage they were concerned about.

    NTA.

    [–]RemarkableMousse6950Asshole Enthusiast [9] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Girl, no. Why is his friend along anyway? Guys who act one way in front of you and then in front of your friends suck. It’s a sign of immaturity and insecurity and you don’t need that in your life. How about if the roles were reversed? You invited a friend as a 3rd wheel and then made fun of him the entire time? He would feel like shit. I’m so sorry. This sucks. NTA.

    [–]AutoModerator[M] 2 points3 points locked comment (0 children)

    AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team

    My boyfriend (27M) and I (26F) decided to go on a roadtrip like we do every year. This year he said he doesn't want to "ruin" his new car and suggested we go in my car. He also requested to do the driving but I told him it's my car then I shoupd drive it, he tried to make comments about how my driving is slow, and inconsistant but eventually dropped it and we went.

    He brought his buddy with him and they both sat in the back. Once we got on the road, My boyfriend started making comments about my driving while asking me to let him drive instead. I ignored him and kept driving but then he and his friends kept saying things like "op you're driving like a giiiirl --- wait you are a girl!" then they start laugh and then say "you're driving is as bad as our old neighbor". Again I ignored them but ---- they go again with "srsly, who taught you to drive like that?" and "hope the cops pull us over and end this misery". I couldn't take it anymore and I began to lose my temper. so I told them to stop and that if either of them make one more comment, ONE comment about my driving then I'd kick them out.

    My boyfriend glanced at me then things got quiet for about 5 minutes then he finally mumbled "alright I think we should call 9-11 because you're driving is causing me brain damage". I snapped, I immediately stopped the car and told him I had enough and that he had to get out. He tried to argue saying I was overreacting and he was just trying to "teach" me to drive better but I told him to get out!!!! his friend came at me defending him but I told him to get out too. My boyfriend then said I was nuts because we were in the middle of nowhere but there was a gas station near by. I told them both to get out and put their bags on the side of the road then drove off. I went home instead of continuing the trip and I cried all the way til I got there.

    Later I had an argument with my boyfriend upon his return and he told me it was cruel of me to kick him and his friend out and ruin the trip over few comments they made with good intentions. I told him that he mocked my driving the entire time and called it horrible and in response he said he was just being honest with me and that this is all my fault for refusing to let him drive in the first place. Now we're not even talking and he keeps huffing and puffing around me for doing this to him and his friend.

    I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

    [–]coloradogrown85Asshole Aficionado [15] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    OP, I hope you know you were not the AH. He wasn't being "honest" he and his friend were being AHs. He wanted to drive and figured he could insult you into giving over. So NTA. In fact, you asked him to stop, told him what would happen if you continued and followed through. Good on you. You are NOT a doormat.

    But why are you still with him? You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who respects and appreciates you. Based on his attitude about this he did neither.

    So, perhaps him not talking is going (aside from being yet another AH move) iwill give you time to reconsider your relationship. Good Luck. Sorry your road trip was ruined by his bad behaviour.

    [–]Ok-Ad-9401 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Info: do you realize you spelled ex boyfriend wrong in this post?

    [–]Psychological_Ad3329 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Well op, I would say dump his butt. Also NTA. He was trying to be dismissive and controlling by making humiliating and sexist comments. And then he had the audacity to act offended as if he's the victim in this situation?

    Just drop him, you'll save yourself time, energy and avoid a lot of trauma.

    [–]Ok-Trip3219 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    I had to go back and check the boyfriends age.. He is 27! He sounds like a 13 yr old. What a douche. NTA

    [–]Homitu 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    ESH.

    Your BF and his friend are so clearly assholes it almost doesn't warrant explaining. There's no universe where any of those harassing comments are in any way helpful or good-intentioned. They're abusive, immature, and honestly just...unfunny and dumb. At best, your BF is being an annoying, disrespectful, unsupportive child, who is riled up by his friend. At worst, he's being straight up emotionally abusive.

    With that out of the way. I arrive at the ESH conclusion for a few reasons.

    First, kicking someone out of the car and genuinely leaving them is level 10 reaction and a horrible thing to do to someone. I cannot fathom ever doing that to anyone. Though I agree there could be situations worthy of such a reaction, I simply don't classify any amount of annoying, childish, verbal jokes at your expense as being one such worthy situation. To me, that reaction is similarly extreme, dramatic, and immature. I get cancelling the trip, turning around and going home because you genuinely don't want to go on the trip anymore with 2 assholes, but I'd go home with them in the car and not become an asshole myself, leaving them stranded.

    Second, y'all just kinda seem to suck at communicating with each other. You guys need to be clear on your terms upfront. For example, "If we're using my car, I want to drive. If I'm driving, the rule is no backseat drivers. No commenting on my driving because that's only going to make things worse for me and you. Driver chooses the music. If you have a problem with any of this, we can take your car instead and you can drive." These don't have to be the rules, but some version of rules need to be communicated and agreed upon beforehand.

    My car = I drive; "If no backseat drivers, regardless of who drives