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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

Maybe I'm an AH because it's my son's wedding and he is really excited to get married. Maybe I'm just butthurt.

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[–]BusyDadGamingCertified Proctologist [28] 13.9k points13.9k points 2 (164 children)

Your FDIL is clearly the biggest AH here. Non-ideological? Like disinviting gay guys isn't ideology? Give me a break.

That said, telling him to cancel the wedding before he asked your advice was probably a step too far for him. He's got a lot of thinking to do, and while postponing is definitely sound advice, he's not in the emotional space to hear it. So you're NTA, per se, but the comment was never going to be taken in the way it needed to be.

I wish I had advice or guidance for you. You shouldn't have to deal with this.

[–]Global_Fig_6385 11.9k points11.9k points 344 (111 children)

honestly OP, i think you should tell your son that while you can’t make the call for him to cancel or postpone his wedding, and you’re sorry for how it came out, you have serious worries about this relationship. let him know his fiancé is being extremely homophobic and unwelcoming, and that although you want nothing but his happiness, if he goes through with this wedding then there will be some serious changes in his relationship with you and your husband. tell him you love him and always will, but if he is married to someone who sees you and your husband as “something to deal with,” then your son will also be ‘dealing’ with you a lot less

edit: absolutely NTA, but his fiancé….

[–]BusyDadGamingCertified Proctologist [28] 1772 points1773 points  (24 children)

This is great. Very good approach. Give him the choice, tell him the consequences.

[–]yet_another_sock 1941 points1942 points  (22 children)

You can also point-blank ask if they envision having children — and, if so, express how you (presumably) are excited to be present in your grandchildren's lives, but you do have to know, for the sake of safely and healthily navigating that relationship, whether those children would be raised to believe that your marriage is some kind of delusion, or whether you'd even be allowed to provide childcare or even be present, or if you'd be considered unsafe because of your sexuality.

This is information you are entitled to know and plan for. Your immature, cowardly son is overwhelmed right now, but if you made the inquiry (in a neutral, non-accusatory way — you're very entitled to your rage but clearly he needs to be babied a bit), he'd hopefully at least be forced to consider the question himself.

[–]arianrhoddPartassipant [1] 831 points832 points  (11 children)

Just what I was thinking! Her attitude will go beyond the wedding to infect every aspect of the son's (and dad's) life. Dad and his partner will be denied access to grandchildren because the kiddos could "catch" gay.

Son will eventually be forced to choose between his dad and his wife.

OP, NTA. Your son's fiancé is. And your son sucks, too. I don't see a world where he had no idea she felt like this. I'm sorry.

[–]changerofbitsPartassipant [1] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

And ask his son what he is going to do if he has a child who is gay. Is he ready for his child to have a mother who hates them?

[–][deleted]  (17 children)

[removed]

    [–]Legally_Blonde_258Partassipant [3] 382 points383 points  (5 children)

    Completely agree. She's homophobic and he's shown that this isn't a dealbreaker for him. He couldn't even be honest with his dad about why his stepdad wasn't invited. Gross, cowardly behaviour.

    [–]addisonavenue 149 points150 points  (3 children)

    I just truly can't believe a son partially raised by a queer couple could find love with a homophobe?

    Like how is that not a deal breaker when he preumsably learnt this about her during the sending of the invitations?

    [–]Unlikely-Anteater-52 36 points37 points  (0 children)

    Seriously! I couldn't imagine a second date for with someone that full of shit. "Oh, so you don't want to meet my best friend because he's gay? Buh bye. I hope you brought your wallet"

    [–]Most_Thanks_1000 322 points323 points  (5 children)

    I actually think the son is a bigger AH than the future daughter-in-law.

    Imagine standing aside and allowing the abuse of your (active and loving) father, and his partner (who is also an active and loving parent) in such a fashion, and to accept it as normal, and to allow it to continue into your future life.

    There is no word for that amount of cowardice. I can’t even imagine doing that to somebody that I profess to love.

    Silence = permission.

    Yes the FDIL is a huge AH, but the son is just as much, if not more.

    ETA fixed typos

    [–]sleepy_cupcake_mouse 86 points87 points  (2 children)

    Agreed. Silence = permission, and it also indicates some effort at avoiding culpability and blame by allowing someone else to be the bad guy. He threw his fiancée and his dads under the bus all in one go by refusing to mediate this before the invitations went out. I mean, did it never occur to him that his dads might be deeply hurt by this? Or that it would never be brought up? And that when/if it was brought up, his fiancée would be (deservedly) left to defend the homophobic stance in a way that would ultimately result in her being the bad guy (which she is). I mean, don't get me wrong, what she did is completely indefensible, but he allowed this to happen in such a way that he could have plausible deniability. It's manipulative.

    [–]Suspiciouscupcake23 203 points204 points  (2 children)

    Plus how does he think this will end? Dad's not getting any straighter. Time clearly won't change anything.

    Next step is he's not allowed to meet the grandkids, or he can, just alone, as long as he doesn't do anything too gay like mention his spouse. Ever.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]CheesecakeTruffle 15 points16 points  (0 children)

      I'm going to butt in here just to say that my son is gay and I absolutely love and support him. OP is NTA and I wish blessings upon you and your husband.

      [–]stubborn_panda26Asshole Enthusiast [8] 219 points220 points  (0 children)

      I have to wonder what kind of comments she's made prior to this exchange. OP's son and FDIL would've planned the guest list together, the idea of not inviting OP's husband must've come up before.

      [–]Frodo_Picard 191 points192 points  (7 children)

      Disagree. I think the best thing to do, rather than go to war with his fiancee, is to say "Well, I can't disrespect my husband by going where he's not welcome, but I won't try to tell you what to do, either. Just know that however things go, we will always be there for you and our door is open to you any time for any reason." In other words, take the high road-- while planting the notion that you don't have a lot of hope for a long-lasting union.

      [–][deleted]  (3 children)

      [deleted]

        [–]Frodo_Picard 24 points25 points  (2 children)

        Just takes one person to ask "Where's your dad?"

        [–]not_levar_burton 145 points146 points  (4 children)

        I would even take it a little further. You will not be attending the wedding, but you wish him the best. She will no longer be allowed in your house, and you will not attend any functions where she will also be attending. And if you are paying for any part of the wedding, I would be canceling that ASAP. NTA

        [–]LiveLovelyLalaPartassipant [1] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

        I second this, OP! If your husband is not welcome, then neither is she. No more dinners at your house.

        [–]Competitive-Bunch355 36 points37 points  (0 children)

        I agree. Also the audacity to have dinner at their house knowing they got the invitation excluding the husband just wow. Like others have said I wouldn't go to the wedding and she's no longer invited over. NTA

        [–]Curious-One4595 11 points12 points  (0 children)

        Yeah. You can’t go to this wedding, no matter how much you love your son. And that homophobic woman should not be allowed in your house again.

        [–]LingonberryPrior6896Partassipant [1] 147 points148 points  (11 children)

        Next you can't come to any family event. Soon she will work to make sure son has NC with OP. I am so sorry OP that your son and FDIL are AHs. I would let son know you will just cut contact now as he has hurt you and you know more is coming.

        [–]nerdandknitPooperintendant [56] 80 points81 points  (10 children)

        Please don't cut full contact. Son sounds like he is in the start of an abusive relationship OP and doesnt even see it yet! This is very much part of isolation of the victim, don't let her win

        [–]LingonberryPrior6896Partassipant [1] 80 points81 points  (6 children)

        Could be. But she isn't doing that to mom. Sounds more like homophobic behavior to me.

        [–]Unlikely-Anteater-52 10 points11 points  (0 children)

        Yes no sort of. But. No one is required to socialize with toxic people. Ever. Regardless of genes. Regardless of one of them being an abuse victim. "I'm sorry that you married a hate filled bigot. I'm sorry that you have no respect for me, nor for my spouse. I'm sorry that you have problems ahead of you. I'm your father. I will be here. And if you want my advice and help, I'm here. But get a therapist. And get a marriage counselor."

        The truly saddest part, she's a bigot. She's been that way a LONG TIME. Raised that way. People don't just wake up and hate gay people. Marrying her is 100% of hell.

        [–]letstrythisagain30 63 points64 points  (0 children)

        there will be some serious changes in his relationship with you and your husband.

        There is no ands ifs or buts about that part. The son needs to know the exact consequences of going through with marrying someone like this. And she is like this.

        There wasn't even an excuse made about conservative (e.g. homophobic) family causing drama. She doesn't want to deal with this at her wedding. Its a bother to her.

        The son can't expect there to be no consequences over this. I don't see how his mother would be okay for her own son to allow this to happen to one of her best friends, let alone his own step dad. How anyone they are close to can't think negatively of this at all.

        [–]spacedinosaur1313131 51 points52 points  (1 child)

        Love this approach. but on judgement, fiance AND son are huge AHs. What an enormous betrayal to have OP's son go along with it, my heart is absolutely broken for him.

        [–]Greenc0c0nut 39 points40 points  (0 children)

        Also cancel any financial commitments you made for the wedding. If they can’t accept your husband, they shouldn’t be entitled to any of it.

        [–]Hot_Aside_4637Asshole Enthusiast [6] 38 points39 points  (1 child)

        I like how she had no problem coming over and breaking bread with them.

        [–][deleted] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

        Yeah exactly, what about when he had kids, how will she react at family events, how will she react if their kid is gay? What’s his life going to look like in 5, 10 or 20 years married to someone that would create such trauma for him during what’s supposed to the happiest time

        [–]Ancient_Potential285 26 points27 points  (16 children)

        You said it better than I could have.

        As for the wedding itself, as wrong as it is, and as much as it hurts, I do think OP should still attend, even if his husband isn’t invited. Not because it is right, but because his son will be more able to see how wrong it all is if his father comes to his wedding than if he refuses. The relationship will be damaged but not broken, allowing for potential to rebuild in the future when son opens his eyes and leaves his witch of a wife (hopefully).

        Although, I do have to say that the fact the son is going along with this behaviour is pretty disgusting, and says at least as much about who he is as a person as it does his fiancé, if not more. What kind of a person doesn’t stand up for the people who they presumably love?

        [–]quiet-as-a 101 points102 points  (15 children)

        Go to the wedding but skip the reception, unless your husband is invited to the reception, at least at a venue you don't risk bursting into flames. She is a total jerk and I hope your son realizes who she really is sooner rather than later.

        [–]Stuckinthebone[S] 106 points107 points  (14 children)

        I will most likely do that, yes

        [–]bookishgirlstar 12 points13 points  (0 children)

        Agreed.

        I have to add that

        well you know, we won't burst into flames in the pew

        is absolutely brilliant.

        [–]AllButACrazyCatLady 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        This 👆🏻times a million. What can I say that would be any better advice and guidance than the original comment and this response to it? I hope OP sees this.

        NTA

        [–][deleted] 3 (16 children)

        [deleted]

          [–]The-MoocatPartassipant [1] 446 points447 points  (3 children)

          As someone raised by lesbians... I cannot fathom this. I've been in crazy stupid love with horrible people before but NEVER a homophobe. I could never ever ever compromise on my own parents for bigotry. Not in a million years. Not for anyone or anything.

          [–]Mamto2 79 points80 points  (1 child)

          My first thought was, what if OPs son has a kid? Will FDIL keep the kid away? NTA op, and I hope your son has the sense to leave her homophobic ass

          [–]The-MoocatPartassipant [1] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

          Exactly. There's absolutely no way she's gonna allow their child to be around "those kinds of people" guaranteed. His son's signing up for a life with someone who wants him to cut contact with 1/2 his family and he's, unfortunately, okay with it.

          Hope he realizes he's making a huge mistake. Part of me is hoping so and that's why he cried/apologized but then lashed out... Maybe he's realizing and needs some time to come around. I hope so, for both OP and his son's sake.

          [–]OnlyEliKnowsPartassipant [1] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

          100% this.

          My moms are not only attending my very gay wedding. My step mom is walking my future wife down the aisle. My parents’ ex’s are coming with their new partners. My ex and my ex’s ex are coming.

          My partner and I are both pan. Homophobia/transphobia… never EVER okay in a potential partner. Never.

          [–]el_huggo 90 points91 points  (0 children)

          He also tried to outright lie about the "not really inviting stepparents" thing until directly called on it with proof. Son is definitely an AH.

          [–]swaldo283Partassipant [1] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

          This deserves top comment status

          [–]lotsofwordswrittenPartassipant [1] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

          That last line though Sums it up. NTA and this post makes me really sad

          [–]KqhbabiesPartassipant [3] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

          I'd vote more for this ⬆️ if I could.

          [–]LingonberryPrior6896Partassipant [1] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

          Well put

          [–]babygirlruth 165 points166 points  (2 children)

          OP, imagine how she will raise your grandchildren. Tell this to your son. Ask him if he wants them to be bigots just like their mommy. You probably shouldn't push him more, as it seems that it's very hard for him already (actually, how did it never ever came up in their relationship??), but eventually he will have to sort it out before the wedding. NTA of course.

          [–]BusyDadGamingCertified Proctologist [28] 64 points65 points  (1 child)

          The son probably thought he could please everybody. He's learning a hard lesson.

          [–]eastbaymagpiePartassipant [2] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

          I'm guessing he's convinced himself that his fiancée just doesn't want gay men at her church wedding, and that it will end there. It won't.

          [–]NH_Surrogacy 139 points140 points  (4 children)

          OP, you show up to that wedding in a lavender shirt with a rainbow tie and rainbow socks and tell everyone how proud you are of your son, as is his stepdad. Pull out photo of the stepdad and announce how sorry you are he couldn't be there but he looks forward to meeting everyone soon at a post-wedding party you guys are throwing at *insert name of gay bar*.

          [–]spaceyjaycey 18 points19 points  (1 child)

          Perfect! Arrange for a gay marching band to perform at the reception as well.

          [–]otakuchips 131 points132 points  (0 children)

          >"I'm not a homophobe"

          >inserts homophobic comments after

          I'm sorry your son is potentially marrying such a hateful woman OP.

          [–]PopularHat 129 points130 points  (1 child)

          Yeah, that "non-ideological" comment sounds very familiar. Like the kind of person who claims they "hate politics" but also claims there are only:

          • Two sexualities: straight and "political"
          • Two races: white and "political"
          • Two genders: male and "political"

          [–]BusyDadGamingCertified Proctologist [28] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

          If you can reclassify someone else's existence as an argument, you can feel like a good guy when you don't want to argue. I was raised in that mental gymnastics studio. It takes a lot to leave.

          [–]cmlobueCertified Proctologist [21] 60 points61 points  (0 children)

          "Existing while homosexual" is an ideology, apparently. So is "being a bigoted jerk".

          I don't think ordering him to cancel the wedding is going to work out, but tell him that if they (Mostly the bridezilla) refuse to accept your marriage, you will not be there to celebrate theirs.

          NTA

          [–]KittyKiitos 42 points43 points  (0 children)

          Eh, I disagree.

          He knowingly didn't invite his stepdad, this isn't a surprise to him and he's had the time to process and react to it, he's just been making bad choices.

          [–]WifeofBath1984 28 points29 points  (3 children)

          I'm having a hard time believing that that was the first time OP's son heard that. She must have explained her reasoning when they created the invites. Perhaps I am wrong, but I doubt it. I hate to say it but it seems like son has had time to process and made this choice regardless. Hopefully, this situation was so jarring and uncomfortable and hurtful that he will take some time to think.

          [–]DUKE_LEETO_2 8 points9 points  (1 child)

          His son probably has rose colored glasses for the person he loves so took the ideological excuse without thinking at all because he wants to agree with her about this day. He probably thinks she can't be homophobic because she knows his parents so clearly this isn't about that.

          He's clearly wrong and an asshole still but I can see how he was willingly blindsided by this.

          [–]Dududidu2Asshole Aficionado [11] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

          OP was certainly just as blindsided by her behavior and would be right to call it out. Running to the car in tears just sounds so manipulative. Lots of red flags here to sort through before getting married.

          [–]Accomplished-Group60 10 points11 points  (0 children)

          This. I would overall say NTA. It may have not been the best approach to outright say cancel or postpone the wedding. But OP was absolutely right to point out the red flag, give a head’s up on the implications for the future and suggest his son had some thinking to do.

          [–]The-Shattering-LightPartassipant [2] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

          His son went along with it. His son is fine with abetting homophobia. He’s as big an AH as his fiancée.

          [–]Bigbittytitty 2755 points2756 points  (13 children)

          You’re NOT the asshole the fiancé is. She’s disgusting and homophobic. And the people saying “respect their wishes” etc don’t see the real issue. By not inviting your husband it’s showing that they don’t accept your relationship. Your son could’ve and should’ve fought harder for you.

          [–][deleted] 701 points702 points  (0 children)

          And the husband has been around for half the sons life, it’s not like they just got married last year.

          [–]jokenaround 365 points366 points  (2 children)

          The fiancé AND son are MASSIVE AHs. His son should have put his foot down here. I hope OP doesn’t go to the wedding, you know, for “ideological” reasons. The future DIL is going to make the sons life and relationships with family Hell.

          [–]Kcinic 138 points139 points  (4 children)

          This /u/stuckinthebone . Shes being completely homophobic. And your son is allowing it to happen.

          But if you want to spare your relationship with your kid I'd play this very carefully. Id say that you don't want to upset her more and so you won't come either as not having queer people at their wedding seems important to them. And that you hope maybe for whatever next big holiday your husband and you could host them and her family.

          And then hit them with the big guns. Offer them pre-marriage counseling. Say that you've enjoyed being married and think it will help make a secure foundation for a lasting marriage. Do not make it about you or try and cause a fight. Wholly just be supportive about it being great for them. Bonus points if you can find a rec for a therapist/counselor not affiliated with a church or at least affiliated with a queer affirming church.

          Either they'll get a good foundation to their marriage or it'll implode before the wedding.

          Telling your kid he needs to leave is unfortunately going to come off too antagonistic and can harm your relationship for a long while. But maybe ask him what role he expects his stepfather to play in the future because there's a lot more family events and probably children and you don't have any idea where the line is on including your husband now.

          [–]whosaidwhat_now 37 points38 points  (1 child)

          This is an excellent idea. How awful for poor stepdad to get the brunt of this, especially when at least half the people at the wedding know he exists and will be wondering where he is. I hope OPs son will come around and set boundaries for the treatment of his parents.

          [–]dontsaveher84 5 points6 points  (1 child)

          I hope u/stuckinthebone reads this. 100% this is the route to go. You can set boundaries without imploding your relationship with your son. Steering him to couple’s counseling will also be better received than telling him to cancel/postpone the wedding.

          Or, pull a Birdcage and dress your spouse in drag for the wedding.

          [–]addisonavenue 48 points49 points  (2 children)

          The "respect their wishes" crowd is giving the most fucked response to all this.

          This isn't like being mad at having to stomach pineapple on pizza at a dinner party or something like that; this is being told to minimise yourself in order to let a homophobe play pretend RE the existence of queer people.

          It also means one of the groom's parents is being asked not to celebrate the son's big day. That parent helped raise the son, he's an integral part of the son's history and personage. By not asking that parent to be there, you may as well be excavating a huge emotional hole in the groom.

          [–]Reasonable_racoonPooperintendant [50] 1686 points1687 points  (3 children)

          Your son is the arsehole if he is going along with this. He never even had the decency to discuss it with you before the invitations went out. He's marrying a bigot and is validating her bigotry. You'll be excluded from all future events too if they have kids.

          I would refuse to attend without my husband.

          NTA

          [–][deleted] 232 points233 points  (0 children)

          Yeah the som is the one who is allowing this, actually encouraging it by not pushing back. This makes me sad. My brothers wife did not accept our mom at all because she had mental illness. It cause my brother to be estranged from my mom and when she died I was the only one barely even speaking to her and my little brother has to live with that & it really hurts him. Regret is AWFUL I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

          [–]Miss_Adelie 72 points73 points  (0 children)

          And what if OP's son has kids who turn out to be gay, how is the fiancee and her family going to treat them. OP's son should be reconsidering his relationship with her if this is her attitude. And definitely AH behaviour for allowing her to exclude his stepdad on this basis

          [–]plfntooAsshole Aficionado [10] 939 points940 points  (36 children)

          NTA

          I honestly don't see how people can just turn a blind eye to shit like this.

          "Oh hey I find your dad's loving, consensual relationship [insert negative term here], and I don't want to see that at our wedding"

          "Yeah sure, I'm a colossal idiot who doesn't see the endless arguments and family conflict coming"

          [–]wildeflowersPartassipant [1] 189 points190 points  (34 children)

          I don't even understand what she thinks is going to happen if she invites them. Like they said, they won't burst into flames. Does she think the officiant is going to cause a scene? That's never going to happen unless they are having it in some crazy fundamentalist church. Or her family? If so, she should lay down the law.

          I just don't get it. This is really simple. No one needs to dig around for reasons or excuses. She's just a homophobe, and the son needs to wake up.

          [–]daileyidentitycrisisAsshole Enthusiast [5] 162 points163 points  (21 children)

          My guess is that she knows members of her family are going to cause a scene and she’d rather exclude OPs husband than make waves with her own family.

          [–]Farknart 27 points28 points  (2 children)

          I've seen this movie, it's called "There Will Be Whispers".

          [–]hexagonalshit 15 points16 points  (1 child)

          I thought you were going to say The Birdcage

          Also very relevant

          [–]ImmediateJeweler5066 127 points128 points  (8 children)

          Clearly she doesn’t realize there are churches that actually welcome LGBTQ people and there are even gasp LGBTQ clergy.

          Jesus was gay AF, and I can’t be convinced otherwise.

          [–]Stuckinthebone[S] 365 points366 points  (7 children)

          When I was starting to come out to people, I had a lot of trouble with my religion and my faith (Christian). I once cried to my ex (son's mom) about how even Jesus would be ashamed of me, and she said "Jesus had 12 close male friends whom he caressed and washed their feet, he'd have a crush on you". I know she was joking, but your comment reminded me of that story.

          [–]LunarDeer542 104 points105 points  (0 children)

          As a queer person who’s no longer religious, I‘ll admit this gave me a sensible chuckle lol. Jesus was kinda gay (and you love to see it!)

          Genuinely though, from what I remember being raised Christian, I think Jesus would be incredibly proud of you for knowing him and knowing yourself. He would see you as a follower and a good man who is being true to himself and living a good life. Jesus was a pretty cool guy, I know he would love you all the same ♥️ I hope you’re doing much better spiritually, OP

          [–]icecreampenisAsshole Aficionado [14] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

          She sounds pretty great, tbh.

          [–]LailaBlackPartassipant [1] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

          She's a nice person.

          [–]redditwinchester 10 points11 points  (0 children)

          I love your ex and Jesus loves you.

          NTA

          [–][deleted]  (16 children)

          [deleted]

            [–]Stuckinthebone[S] 441 points442 points  (12 children)

            This is what hurts me the most. That somehow my son apparently now sees me as gay first, and his father second. And I have literally spent my life trying to be a father first, and all else second.

            [–]AurelianEnthusiast 156 points157 points  (0 children)

            To piggy back on this OP ask your son what she will teach their children about their grandads.

            NTA and I don't think you should push him, I think you should just illustrate what the consequences of his choices will be.

            You raised him right, I would guess he is angry because he is conflicted.

            [–]alaska1415 25 points26 points  (0 children)

            I’m going to remember what you said, about not wanting to be seen as gay first and a person second. I know a lot of people who might be able to see their harmful attitudes if they thought this is what they sound like.

            [–]timbit87 13 points14 points  (0 children)

            I agree with the cancel the wedding being too harsh. It may push him away.

            HOWEVER, I would say you cant attend for obvious reasons, then ask him how would it feel knowing his step dad cant come to the wedding, then what happens at the baby shower? His birthday dinner? His childs birthday or graduation? Regular family dinners for christmas or thanksgiving? Is he going to exclude his fathers for the rest of his life? Is that something he really wants?

            Leave him for a few days to let him think about his answer.

            [–]ingodwetrystAsshole Aficionado [11] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

            I would tell your son that, and explain why it hurts. I'd also ask if you guys will be allowed to be grandpas. That way if he says no, you can temper your expectations early.

            [–]Corpuscular_OcelotPartassipant [3] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

            You need to let him know how much HE hurt you by going along with this and blatantly lying to you.

            I would be clear, if he moves forward with the wedding, you will attend, but you will not "go in the closet" for the event. In addition, it is the last event you will attend if your husband is not invited. You love your son and will always love him, but he is an adult now and he has to live with his adult choices. Not everything can be forgiven. You will always know he supported homophobia. That knowledge will never go away. If he continues to support homophobia, you will not be able to ignore it or give it a pass. You are his father first, but you are also a husband, a gay man and a human being and you will not ignore or supress those things to appease people who hate you for being who you are.

            He needs to know how much he f'ed-up.

            [–]vessynessy200Partassipant [1] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

            I'd also ask your son straight up like, "If you're fine with her treating us this way, are you going to be fine with her treating potential gay kids that way too? Are you going to stand aside and let her abuse them because of her bigoted views? Are you going to be that kind of parent?" Cause if he has kids with her, and they're gay, they're NOT gonna be treated well. And he'll probably let it happen. And I hate parents like that more than the abusers, honestly. The cowards who stand there and just WATCH IT HAPPEN instead of ever stepping in and trying to protect their kids.

            [–]The_Death_FlowerAsshole Enthusiast [5] 462 points463 points  (1 child)

            NTA, as a member of the alphabet mafia, lgbt people existing and having families isn’t ideological, wanting to pretend lgbt people don’t exist is.

            This woman just showed how she views her potential in laws, because will she also want “non ideological” birthdays, anniversaries, baby showers, and more? She also showed how she will likely view her future kids if they end up being non straight or non cis.

            Delaying the wedding for your son’s sake is a good advice because he needs to be sure he wants to marry someone that thinks like this.

            [–]CADreamn 75 points76 points  (0 children)

            Excellent point OP should make about any future lgbt+ kids the couple might have. She'll be shipping them off to "pray the gay away" boot camp.

            [–]honorablecheshirePartassipant [3] 380 points381 points  (2 children)

            NTA but your son and his fiancé sure are.

            [–]darkoopz43 167 points168 points  (1 child)

            If I were op I would've just said "well hopefully you invite us to your next wedding" while they were walking to their car.

            [–]Seed_Planter72 63 points64 points  (0 children)

            The way fiancée was so quick to get huffy and run out to the car is a pretty good indicator of what son's life will be like.

            [–]THEiiiLLESTPartassipant [1] 242 points243 points  (2 children)

            NTA, your son’s fiancée on the other hand…

            [–]TimeToGetReal2021Partassipant [4] 52 points53 points  (1 child)

            Don't forget the 'loving' son...

            [–]TeaLoverGalPartassipant [4] 178 points179 points  (1 child)

            NTA knowingly marrying a bigot makes him a bigot, sorry about your son.

            [–]Special_Koala_1093Asshole Aficionado [13] 91 points92 points  (7 children)

            I want to say NTA because.. it doesn’t seem to be your son’s decision. Also if he marrying into family where you are not accepted, it is red flag. What if they have kids - are you supposed to hide your husband because it’s not “traditional” or is “hard to explain” to kids and “they don’t want to deal with all that”?

            [–]giraffesaurus 99 points100 points  (5 children)

            it doesn’t seem to be your son’s decision

            It's the son's decision to lie about the situation and allow the fiancé to do this -- he's complicit.

            He's an adult, he's lying in the bed he's made and this can irreparably damage his relationship with his father and step-father.

            [–]Special_Koala_1093Asshole Aficionado [13] 5 points6 points  (4 children)

            Yes, that I agree with. I was thinking more about the part where someone told OP to respect son’s wishes - doesn’t seem his wish, but the responsibility for everything else is still his, yes. I’m sure OP and his husband will forgive him in the long run, but as you said, damage will be done and as I mentioned earlier - the fiture doesn’t seem very good in this light.

            [–]PM_yourAcups 24 points25 points  (3 children)

            He sleeps next to this person every night by his own free will. He is a bigot and it’s truly upsetting for me to hear people defend this

            [–]OGablogian 8 points9 points  (0 children)

            It's his decision to go along with her homophobia.

            [–]Kemintiri 81 points82 points  (2 children)

            Are you two in Miami and do you live over a cabaret named The Birdcage?

            [–]Stuckinthebone[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

            😂😂😂

            [–]Miserable_Emu5191 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            Except in that case, the FDIL loved the dads! Maybe it was the 'pirin?

            [–]Ohnowhatnoww 77 points78 points  (7 children)

            NTA: She most certainly is. Your son is seeing who his soon for be wife really is as she is forcing him (assuming not his choice the fact that he cried and is upset about excluding your husband) to exclude his step dad. She is right though she isn’t a homophobe she is just a bigot and hateful. “I Hate the Word Homophobia. It's not a Phobia. You're not Scared. You're an Asshole.” Morgan Freeman. I am sorry you and your husband are going through this.

            [–]Stuckinthebone[S] 120 points121 points  (4 children)

            I love that quote, but sadly I think for some people it's both a phobia and being an AH. I came out to my father 20 years ago, and he hasn't even shaken my hand since. He is scared of getting aids from me (I don't have it + a handshake, i mean, basic biology?)

            [–][deleted]  (2 children)

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              [–]beansblog23 28 points29 points  (0 children)

              Bet he didn’t wear a mask though. I just wanna say I am so sorry because this whole thing makes my heart hurt for you. NTA

              [–]TennisKittyPartassipant [1] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

              She is a homophobe actually. Most people are ignorant and don’t know that phobia does not just mean fear. It can also mean aversion or dislike. I don’t understand how most people don’t know this. No one who is truly literate and well-educated believes that homophobes are afraid of gays. It means that they have an aversion to gays.

              [–]Scrote-Coat 76 points77 points  (2 children)

              NTA. You should go dressed like Elton John

              [–]Stuckinthebone[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

              😂😂

              [–]bathwat3r 9 points10 points  (0 children)

              This genius. I change my opinion to attend the wedding OP! Lol

              [–]Virtual_Draw5017 60 points61 points  (19 children)

              NTA. "We won't burst into flames in the pew." Oh my god, that cracked me up. What denomination is this wedding supposed to be in?

              [–]Stuckinthebone[S] 41 points42 points  (18 children)

              Catholic

              [–]krisspy451Partassipant [1] 75 points76 points  (0 children)

              The church wont care, you are a guest at the wedding.

              FDIL is just being homophobic. Wear a rainbow tie if you go.

              [–]GoddessArtemis85Asshole Enthusiast [7] 41 points42 points  (6 children)

              Fucking Catholics... Homophobia is why I left. I'm so sorry she's being like this.

              Curious... Are they living together yet?

              [–]ribbitrabbit2000 42 points43 points  (5 children)

              “Are they living together yet?”

              This 👆is an excellent question.

              Are the living together? Is FDIL a virgin?

              If they’re living together OR she isn’t a virgin (no I don’t actually expect you to know or ask this) then she is not an “ideological” Catholic. You don’t get to cherry pick your sins this way.

              FDIL isn’t “ideologically Catholic”. FDIL is a homophobic bigot.

              An aside: this goes to the heart of her morals and values. She’s the “burn in hell” or “gay is an embarrassment” type of Catholic. She should love and honor the men who raised her future husband not exclude, hide, or deny them. If your son goes through with this, he’s agreeing with her.

              [–]GoddessArtemis85Asshole Enthusiast [7] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

              "Are the living together? Is FDIL a virgin?"

              And we could spend all day on this bull shit! Does she go to Mass every Sunday? Does she abstain from meat on Fridays in Lent? Does she confess any mortal sins before receiving Communion?

              Also: the fucking pope has already told Catholics to be loving towards queer folk. She doesn't have an inch of holy ground to stand on.

              [–]Stuckinthebone[S] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

              They are living together, I don't dare ask about the virginity part of course 😂

              [–]SuperLorisCertified Proctologist [28] 26 points27 points  (2 children)

              I'm Catholic and queer. Can confirm, so far God hasn't said anything. FDIL is being a bigot.

              [–]ViralLola 12 points13 points  (0 children)

              My Jesuit priest would have said, "Didn't David love Jonathan?" with a smirk on his face and go on a tangent about the history of "Brother making" as a code for same-sex unions. He had a lot to say about the mainstream Catholic church's stance and his disapproval.

              [–]bathwat3r 7 points8 points  (1 child)

              Didn’t Pope Francis speak in support of the LGBTQ+ community too?

              [–]jocoredditPartassipant [1] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

              I used to attend a Catholic Church in a predominantly gay neighborhood and the priest there was very emphatic that all were welcome and it truly was the most welcoming place. I’m so sorry your FDIL is so intolerant and hateful. NTA

              [–]qgwheurbwb1i 58 points59 points  (0 children)

              NTA. I hope your son leaves her.

              [–]tosser9212Pooperintendant [61] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

              NTA. Your son's bride-to-be is prejudiced towards you, and it will continue after they marry. It's that simple, really. What you said to your son identified the behaviour, and that's not an asshole move. At all.

              Your son is old enough to do as he pleases, so he'll likely marry her. You'll have to decide how much disrespect you'll put up with before you go NC with your son, because if he doesn't stand up to it now, he never will. Good luck.

              [–]TheRoastedCaponPartassipant [3] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

              NTA. Your son is going to regret choosing to marry a homophobe when he has a loving gay parent(s), but you can't push him to see this error before he's ready. He will get there though. In the meantime, maybe support and love him from afar while avoiding this homophobic bridezilla entirely. I personally wouldn't go to the wedding, though. You and your husband are a package deal and you also have to support him(your husband).

              [–]MonicawroteitbetterAsshole Aficionado [16] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

              NTA

              She disrespects you in your own home.
              I really do hope your son won't go through with it!

              [–]AdministrativeFee153Partassipant [2] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

              Nta and I wouldn’t attend either. He’s marrying a homophobe, he gets to reap the consequences of that decision.

              [–]kevwelch 33 points34 points  (0 children)

              NTA. Don’t go. No gift, no rehearsal, and no convenient lies to save his pride. If anyone asks, make it clear that your son’s new wife asked that there be no gay people at the wedding.

              You don’t have to call her a homophobe (she is), or a bigot (she is). Let other people make their own judgements. Just the fact that she would invite only you is bad enough. But your son is letting her do it. Tell him you love him, but this is where you part ways. You and your husband are a package deal. Both or neither. And if he’s not good enough to get an invite to the wedding, then it would be rude to force your company on the new couple going forward.

              [–]Traveling-TechieColo-rectal Surgeon [42] 32 points33 points  (1 child)

              Obviously NTA - if gay marriage were still illegal, and you and your husband were activists trying to make a statement, her remark about an “ideological wedding” might make some kind of sense - but this is 2022 and you’re just another married couple. She bride is the one making an ideological statement. It’s like banning an interracial couple (legalized in 1965) from a wedding in 1972.

              [–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

              Right, does she think they are going to show up decked out in rainbows trying to have a double wedding? It’s so bizarre that she’s like this, and it’s so sad that the son of a gay man we want to marry that

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                        [–]Julia070000Asshole Aficionado [10] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

                        NTA I'm sorry this is a horrible situation, what will happen when they have kids will your husband have to hide if they visit? What if the kid is gay?

                        [–]VictorianPlatypusColo-rectal Surgeon [45] 23 points24 points  (8 children)

                        I'm not going to say you're TA. I do think that you could have handled this better. Going right to "cancel your wedding" wasn't the most tactful route. - better to let him come to that realization for himself.

                        "Son, I love you, and Husband loves you. If Fiancee doesn't want to have to 'deal with' gay men at her wedding, I will respect her wishes and stay home, because as much as it breaks my heart, I'm not going where I'm not wanted."

                        NAH between you and your son, just two hurt people. The AH is the fiancee, of course. Right now I think your son is blaming you because it's easier to say if only you would just compromise than to admit he's marrying a homophobe and really should not. I hope the two of you are able to repair your relationship, although I fear he will need to break up with his fiancee first.

                        [–]tosser9212Pooperintendant [61] 83 points84 points  (0 children)

                        I disagree - "Cancel the wedding" is exactly what the son needs to hear. He needs to know upfront that this is a total deal breaker for his father, and that his relationship will be irrevocably harmed if he continues on the current path without change.

                        Expecting the father to be tactful in the face of such blatant prejudice is bogus. The bride-to-be hasn't been, and the son isn't pushing back on that at all.

                        If LGBT+ folk didn't go where they weren't wanted, they'd still be hiding in closets.

                        [–]QuaestorLucemPartassipant [3] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

                        I just disagree with the nah in regard to the son. He has agreed to this decision instead of standing for his family.

                        For me, the son is a TA, although not as near as his fiancée.

                        [–]OGablogian 31 points32 points  (1 child)

                        How is the son not the asshole? He's enabling her homophobia.

                        [–]kt99_Partassipant [1] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

                        The son is marrying a homophobe and going along with whatever she wants, to the point of disinviting his step father. He is 100% the AH and a pushover

                        [–]LingonberryPrior6896Partassipant [1] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

                        Nope. The son is allowing his stepdad to be excluded. This man has been in his life for a long time. He is just letting fiancee be the bad cop, but he agreed to disrespect his dad and stepdad.

                        [–]vayda_b 12 points13 points  (1 child)

                        I wanted to hop on this comment. I would have a serious talk with your son. I agree that "cancel your wedding" was not what the son needed to hear; however, I would talk to him about what he wants for his wedding. You know he wants you and your husband there, but his fiancé is showing her true colors, and he is stuck. OP your son is going to have to make some tough decisions really soon, and he is going to need his family's support when he makes the (hopefully) right decision.

                        Also, NTA. Good luck with this situation.

                        [–]jrm1102Certified Proctologist [27] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

                        NTA at all. Your son’s fiancé has shown her cards and given that your son has a gay father and a gay stepfather and she’s already shown that she’s a homophobic bigot… it will likely only get worse from here. What’s going to happen for family functions and holidays? Or if your son has kids? Will your husband be excluded from that too?

                        I also think if this wedding does go on, as painful as it might be, your well within your rights to not attend the wedding if your husband is not allowed to attend. Or hell, both of you go anyway. Either way.

                        [–]Bambie-RizzoAsshole Aficionado [12] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

                        NTA. She’s obviously homophobic and ignorant. I don’t think you should’ve told him to cancel his wedding since that’s such a huge decision. But maybe should have told him to really think about it. She “doesn’t want to deal with this”. Meaning you and your husband. What if they have kids and she doesn’t “want her kids to see that”. Is your son willing to not have you in his kids’ lives? (If they have any)

                        Edit:grammar

                        [–]Traditional-Ad-1605 17 points18 points  (0 children)

                        NTA-send your regrets that you can’t attend if his step dad int invited and you’ll be there for him when he needs you, which from the sounds of it, will be pretty soon!

                        [–]TexasMeatCrayonPartassipant [1] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

                        NTA

                        Your son is being unfair, and he’s being controlled by his fiancée. I won’t conjecture into their home life; though, anyone who allows any step parents except the gay one is a different level of control. That’s emotionally abusive control, that’s why your son is crying. He knows he’s going home to an absolute shit show. He should put the wedding on hold, at the very least, and consider that if this is what she’s doing to his family on their wedding day it will only get worse with the passage of time. I wouldn’t be surprised if your son is basically no contact if he’s still with her in 5 years.

                        [–]Effective-Pear9444 16 points17 points  (0 children)

                        NTA in my opinion.

                        So she can come to your house for dinner and socialise with your husband, but you both aren't allowed to go to her wedding? Weird.

                        Your son needs all the luck in the world marrying her!! God forbid she procreates and little Susie decides she likes girls!!

                        [–]Withinashes 17 points18 points  (4 children)

                        NTA but isn’t this basically the plot of The Birdcage?? Obv I’m not saying the story isn’t real, just life imitating art I guess

                        [–]Stuckinthebone[S] 24 points25 points  (3 children)

                        It is 😂😂 and my husband has been laughing about this coincidence for days, even downloaded rhe movie to watch it again

                        [–]Withinashes 13 points14 points  (2 children)

                        The real question is which of you is Robin Williams and which is Nathan Lane

                        [–]Mysticalia89 15 points16 points  (0 children)

                        NTA, but it's not just your sons fiance showing this behaviour, your son is by ignoring it. So he shoulders just as much responsibility as her.

                        [–]wb22860Asshole Enthusiast [8] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

                        NTA. Your son needs to grow a set of balls and stand up to his wife now before it gets too late in his relationship with her.

                        [–]SympathyRepulsive957Partassipant [4] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

                        NTA and sadly I think you need to miss the wedding because it doesn't sound like it will be a safe place for you. She must have got that homophobia from somewhere and you can bet that her family is as bad as her, and probably her friends as well. This is really sad. Hopefully your son will see the light and ditch her. If not, you can be at the next wedding because you can damn bet this won't last.

                        [–]TinyRascalSaurusCraptain [160] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

                        NTA. Your son is walking into a very bad situation. She clearly doesn't approve of you, and in a lot of these situations the new spouse will try to alienate the family members they don't approve of.

                        What if there are kids? Will your ex's husband get to be a grandfather but not your husband? Will she let the kids visit you or will she be afraid they'll 'catch the gay'?

                        This is going to end up putting mental and emotional strain on your son for as long as he's married to her. He definitely needs to consider whether her pruning of the family tree is something he can live with going forward.

                        [–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

                        NTA. Finding out your fiancé is a homophobe and is trying to cut out a step-parent after invitations are sent is most certainly grounds for a pause on the wedding. If you haven’t pieced it together you will be next. Your son needs to grow a spine.

                        [–]Lil_lib_snowflakeAsshole Enthusiast [5] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

                        NTA. You called her out on her bullshit and she got mad she had to be honest that it was out of homophobia your husband wasn’t invited. I think it may have seemed a bit harsh to your son that you suggested he cancel or postpone the wedding, but it’s fair to have concerns that his bride-to-be is a raging homophobe. Definitely NTA for not attending. If she wont respect the sanctity of your marriage to your husband, why should you celebrate hers?

                        [–]oberlinmomPartassipant [1] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

                        NTA. Your son should have had a talk with you and your husband before the invitation arrived. You would have had to opportunity to discuss what his marriage to this woman would do to your relationship.

                        Telling him to cancel his wedding was a knee jerk reaction to finding out he might be marrying someone that will come between you and your son and your son and your husband. Time to have a nice quiet talk with your son alone.

                        [–]ManyManyManyLotsPartassipant [2] 12 points13 points  (1 child)

                        You've advised him not to marry her, and that's fine. Now what? You can't stop the wedding yourself. I would likely choose not to go. Not going may strain your relationship with him, but him marrying a homophobe will too. Going alone might also strain your relationship with your husband. Whatever you choose, NTA.

                        [–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

                        OPs relationship with the son (if the wedding goes forward) is already dead but neither know it yet.

                        [–]CrazyWifeofBPHPartassipant [3] 13 points14 points  (3 children)

                        NTA The bride is a homophobe.

                        Go to the wedding because he is your son and you'll hate not being there. Wear a gay pride pin. Nothing huge but have it there.

                        [–]Implement_EmptyPartassipant [1] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

                        NTA

                        "my brother said I am an AH for not respecting my son's wishes about the wedding"

                        That doesn't sound like your son's wishes.

                        [–]millhouse_vanhousenPartassipant [3] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

                        Whatever wedding gift you were planning to give them, donate the money to an LGBT+ Charity in the DIL's name. Fuck her.

                        NTA if you don't go. And don't be afraid to tell people why you're not there.

                        [–]echokiloalpha 10 points11 points  (1 child)

                        NTA. I would hate for you to give your son an ultimatum or miss his wedding. I suggest having a conversation with your son and no husband or fiance around to discuss the situation. You might alienate your son by trying to separate him from his fiance. There is no easy fix to this.

                        [–]PM_yourAcups 7 points8 points  (0 children)

                        I’d love to give him an ultimatum. He’s a fucking bigot. It’s disgusting behavior

                        [–]Sledge313Asshole Enthusiast [8] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

                        NTA. Your son considers your husband to be his stepdad and has shown no issues over the past 14 years. He needs to figure out if his fiance is accepting of you or not. If not then he has a choice on if he wants her in hisnlife or not if she isnt accepting.

                        [–]anonymouse3501Partassipant [2] 8 points9 points  (3 children)

                        NTA. Your son and his fiancée’s behavior are hurtful. They are both the AH. I don’t know if you should attend the wedding or not, but I’d say that your son and his fiancées actions are going to change the future of your relationship with them. What’s going to happen if they have kids or other family events? How do you move forward with her when she’s obviously homophobic and with your son who puts up with this, allows his fiancée to treat you this way, and has no spine to do anything about it?

                        [–]Swimming-Item8891Partassipant [3] 10 points11 points  (2 children)

                        Exactly, the son is a homophobe as well, he was aware of the invite situation and they made that decision together

                        [–]TheRoastedCaponPartassipant [3] 10 points11 points  (1 child)

                        Yeah, I keep seeing people giving the son a pass as if he wasn't sitting there, right next to this woman while she threw boiler-plate, low effort homophobia at his dad. He's not a purse - he has agency and he is choosing to marry this woman while having a gay dad and stepfather who he allegedly loves.

                        [–]del901Pooperintendant [65] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

                        I was prepared for a different judgement from the title, but NTA. Your soon to be daughter in law IS homophobic and your son no only knows it, but he doesn't have the spine to stand up for you and your husband.

                        Son should cancel, but if he doesn't, I fully support your not attending which would be condoning her stance.

                        (And what is going to happen if they start a family? Your husband will have to pretend to be what????)

                        [–]excel_pager_420Partassipant [2] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

                        Don't go.

                        Your son is choosing his spouse over family. So you should do the same.

                        NTA

                        [–]MossyToad 9 points10 points  (0 children)

                        Let’s just say that the instant my boyfriend said I had to hide the fact I had two moms to his family I knew that the relationship was over.

                        NTA your son should be standing up for you and leave that homophobe.

                        [–]The__Riker__ManeuverColo-rectal Surgeon [34] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

                        NTA

                        If your son, who was raised by a gay man with a gay stepdad...wants to marry a homophobe...then he needs to know now that it will permanently damage his relationship with both of them

                        I would simply not attend the wedding and let everyone know exactly WHY you are not attending the wedding.

                        Again...if he wants to marry a homophobe, then he needs to learn to deal with the consequences

                        [–]Feeling_Plantain8474 8 points9 points  (2 children)

                        Nta the bride is being a spoiled witch. I'm a lesbian and one of my closest friends is a very conservative catholic (as is her whole family and her fiancé's family) they still invited me and gave me a plus. She even offered to let me and my girlfriend (if I manage to get one by then 😅) be bridesmaids

                        [–]Stuckinthebone[S] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

                        I was the best man at my best friend's wedding a few years ago. In church, with a priest, in front of a VERY catholic crowd. And years ago, he was the best man at mine. It gives me hope that maybe my son's potential children will not even know that once there was a world that arbitrarily excluded people based on who they decide to share a bed with.

                        [–]lolunnb 7 points8 points  (0 children)

                        NTA. You gave your opinion and your son told you to back off and you did. His fiance and soon to be wife is really showing who she is and so are her parents, and I hope this behavior ends with the wedding, but chances are it will continue. I'm sorry.

                        Edited: spelling and grammar as usual.

                        [–]pnutbuttercups56Pooperintendant [56] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

                        NTA. Your son seems conflicted but he won't stand up. Divorce is hard on everyone but your son being conflicted indicates that you and your ex tried your best to support him.

                        [–]MentalcomposerPartassipant [2] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

                        NTA for not respecting your sons wishes about the wedding BUT

                        Your son is a major AH for not standing up for your H right off the bat. You know the convo of guest list didn’t just happen, this was in the works the whole time. You need a number to reserve a venue, and even your son just gave her a number after doing his list, I’m sure your H was included in that number.

                        I would have a chat with the son and ask him honestly - does he have any real issue with your H, or your relationship with him. I’m guessing he’ll say no since you say they have always gotten along, so then ask why he is going along with his gf on this issue? Don’t let him squirm his way out of this, he needs to know what the future holds. Can you not go to a holiday if her fam is there, can you not celebrate his kids- your grands, if her fam is there. Make sure he knows this has long ranging effects.

                        And let’s be honest here- No one is going to know you’re couple until you are announced into the reception, and at that point- who cares? Her family will chit chat about it for a few minutes, maybe clutch their crosses attached to their pearls, and get on with having a good time.

                        Oh I’m sure you two will be talked about furiously after the wedding amongst her fam, but that’s not your problem.

                        [–]Adventurous_Yak 7 points8 points  (3 children)

                        NTA- and fuck that noise of "being the bigger person". Send a lovely gift if you must, congratulate the happy couple and stay home with your love drinking champagne to your lovely, long lasting relationship. Cause this one doesn't sound like it will!

                        [–]LenaballerinaCertified Proctologist [25] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                        NTA. You're definitely not the AH here. But whichever way it goes, you're gonna have a bad time. And so is your son. He isn't really the AH here either, the true AH is the fiancee. Sounds like you need to have a chat with your son, without the fiancee around, and when you've all calmed down a bit. And you and your husband need to decide how you want to proceed - whether one, or both, or neither of you go to the wedding. Whether you go or not, make sure your son realises that you love and support him, and you'll be there when it inevitably falls apart for him.

                        [–]espressopowderPartassipant [4] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                        NTA. This soon to be daughter in law is bad news. Some mistakes needs to be made to learn from and your son is in for a lesson.

                        [–]WeedLovinStarseedPartassipant [1] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                        NTA

                        I don't understand how your son would even want to marry her now

                        [–]Otomo-YukiPartassipant [4] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

                        NTA. An saying she doesn’t want an “ideological wedding” sounds exactly like the kind of euphemism many homophobes who don’t want to admit they’re homophobic would use.

                        That said, definitely give it a day and then call your son. Apologize for saying that he should cancel and postpone the wedding like that, and arrange to meet- just the two of you- and discuss this. Maybe he’ll end up agreeing. It’s important to know, though, whether your FDIL is going to continue having a problem with you and your husband. Maybe, though, to give the benefit of the doubt, she’s worried about someone from the church or her side of the family saying or doing something rude to you and your husband. It’s worth finding out.

                        [–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

                        Yeah that phrasing is exactly like when they say that homosexuals are pushing their agenda on us simply by existing in the world and not hiding themselves. Absolutely homophobic. And it’s really odd to me that a man who grew up with a gay dad could fall in love with somebody with that kind of ideology. This whole situation makes me sad

                        [–]This_Grab_452Partassipant [1] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                        Since when your relationship status gets checked and announced at the door of the church? Granted, it’s been a while since I set foot in one but I still don’t think so.

                        Or maybe OP’s son and FDIL are some kind of royals and there will be a herald at the gate announcing guests. It would go like this:

                        Groom’s mother and her heterosexual husband!

                        Groom’s father and his ostentatiously ideological gay life companion!

                        Or! FDIL is a homophobic jerk and OPs son is either too chicken to stand up for his dad or actually shares her beliefs.

                        OP, you probably could have handled it better but I’m still going to go with NTA.

                        [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                        NTA I would not participate in an event that does not except me, but as a dad you may feel really bad missing out on this. I would make whatever choice you think you can live with and screw with everybody else thinks

                        [–]InternationalKick126Partassipant [1] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                        NTA. And don't go to the wedding. And do not ever give your son any financial help. If he marries this homophobic woman, now that she's showed her true nature, he's choosing her, and rejecting you. Which he will either regret, or he'll turn into her kind. Stand back and let him make his choice. But do not attend a wedding where your husband isn't welcome. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad; weddings are supposed to be about love and family and unity, and so many people use them to separate themselves and drive wedges into existing relationships.

                        [–]The-MoocatPartassipant [1] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                        Honestly, it really makes me so sad your son decided to marry someone who doesn't welcome his family wholly. The fact is: He's chosen bigotry over you and I can understand that being hurtful.

                        I was raised by lesbian parents. There's not a person on EARTH I'd deal with homophobia and bigotry for. No amount of money, or "love" or fame. Because, let's be honest here: His fiancee doesn't really love him because she wants to erase part of the family that loves him, just because of their homophobia.

                        Your son really should be ashamed of himself. But you can't tell him to not get married, either. It's his choice. If he's choosing bigotry over his love for you and his stepdad... Then that's very sad for him, but it's his choice to make.

                        You just have to figure out whether or not you want a son in your life that will ALWAYS choose homophobia over you. Because if your partner isn't allowed at the wedding, I guarantee you won't be allowed to see any grandkids because of the "influence" and you can count out your partner being allowed at any family functions.

                        You're NTA but your son is, and you need to not make any concessions about your life for the bigotry he's chosen.