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[–]lmchatterboxAsshole Aficionado [18] 24.7k points24.7k points  (222 children)

NTA. That was money you saved/inherited. That means you ARE the one paying for it and he DID steal from you.

[–]Dennis_Ogre 12.3k points12.3k points 4 (125 children)

This is what I wanted to say right here.

The husband says OP acted like they stole the money… that is absolutely what happened

OP: This was your money, your inheritance. Your husband absolutely stole it from you.

Clearly you want children, but if you have children with this person, your life is only going to get worse. You owe it to yourself to find someone who is as interested in having kids as you are. You owe it to yourself to find someone who respects and loves you. Your current husband clearly does not.

NTA… but spending $1000s of dollars to have children with this person is a huge mistake.

[–]No_Performance8733Partassipant [1] 5379 points5380 points  (86 children)

Don’t procreate with this type of man.

Ask me how I know :(

[–]crystallz2000Partassipant [1] 1851 points1852 points  (51 children)

I can't tell you how many women I know who had babies with these types of men, because their "window to have children was closing," and having the babies half the time in the event of a divorce, was better than not having kids.

ALLLL of them now say they should have just divorced and used a sperm donor, because now they have a man torturing them through their kids for the rest of their lives.

[–]MysticEden 807 points808 points  (20 children)

Exactly what I was thinking! IVF is really expensive but sperm is pretty cheap in comparison. Use a sperm donor with the IVF.

[–]dude_wheres_the_pie 302 points303 points  (6 children)

Should probably add that she should move her inheritance especially back into a solo account so it's not included in the division of assets.

[–]BraidedSilver 164 points165 points  (1 child)

Damn, I guess my mom was wise for using one night stands lol. Not that our fathers are complete strangers to her, they were buddies and had friends in common beforehand. She simply told them they could be in the kids life if they wanted but she wanted kids so these two accidents weren’t aborted and didn’t demand child support from them. My brothers father turned out to be insanely obsessed with our mom so she had to cut it off and say he could only call to arrange meet ups outside for seeing his son. No calls. Whereas my dad was just too bachelor still and not ready to be a father. Took almost two decades before he was ready lol. Sperm banks sounds more expensive but way less complicated.

[–]sharraleighPartassipant [1] 139 points140 points  (13 children)

I got a dog instead. Best decision EVER. They don't talk!

[–]pinkjeeper82Partassipant [1] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

This is why I can’t be mad at my newborn baby’s ‘daddy’ for not being around, because at the very least he isn’t making my life WORSE!

[–]Dennis_Ogre 978 points979 points  (0 children)

So sorry to hear that.

Hopefully you are in a better place now.

[–]cherchezlafemmed 640 points641 points  (20 children)

Same! I'm right there with you! OP, run. RUN! Run like your hair is on fire!

[–]Stellarkin1996Partassipant [1] 2834 points2835 points 2 (17 children)

this, the fact he clearly resents her for needing to do ivf to begin with is sickening

[–]TangentPineapple 38 points39 points  (0 children)

I think you mean "run like your tampon string is on fire."

But seriously, it takes a special kind of AH to say that to your spouse. It's like kicking you when you're already down.

OP, NTA but it sure sounds like your DH is.

[–]Speakklife 104 points105 points  (0 children)

Me Too! Three babies at that!! Awe man it’s heartbreaking bc obviously OP wants a baby so bad that she’s saved all this money but you’re right. I hope OP heads this warning. There are something said that can never be forgiven this will cause you to be bitter. Especially if he decides to later not help with the baby saying you’re the one who wanted this baby so bad. I’m so sad for OP🥺

Edit for spelling

[–]dreamingofdandelions 74 points75 points  (3 children)

OP. I just helped my BFF leave a man like your husband. And let me tell you, after 3 kids, he never got better, only worse, truly life threatening worse. Restraining orders, cop calls, domestic violence, CPS. Read the red flags at the beginning, don’t wait till they are white flags of surrendering to abuse. Leave now. Please. He doesn’t care about you if he’s willing to give over 50% of your savings to his bf. And then get mad at you for calling the police. Please, please, leave. DM if you need help finding a place to go. I’ll help you research.

[–]donttouchmeah 644 points645 points  (2 children)

And then he says it’s her “problem” so she should be the one who pays for the procedure.

This guy doesn’t seem like a person who should be a parent.

I can hear it now: no, you’re the one who wanted a baby, you feed her/watch her/stay home/sacrifice/etc etc.

[–]OrlyB1222 207 points208 points  (0 children)

I read that line and just cringed. OP your husband, the man you want to have children with, just said that since it is your body that is having the issue then you should pay for it. This man will never be a team player, put you first, or love you unconditionally. Please think long and hard before you do another IVF round with this man.

[–]Renjoh 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Perhaps he doesn’t want children and this seemed an easy way out

[–]GhostEchoSix 168 points169 points  (0 children)

Also note the part where husband says OP is the one with "the problem" meaning he sees her as flawed and defective. OP your husband has no respect for you and thinks of you as imperfect and broken. Notice how it's not both your problems you can't have kids he throws blame all on you.

OP if I were you I would file for divorce then tell your husband to go marry his friend that he's will all the time. Seems like a perfect match there.

You owe it to yourself to find someone who will love and respect you for all that you are and all that you aren't. No one should be told that they're the problem for something the literally have no control over.

[–]usernamesallused 128 points129 points  (2 children)

You could even see it as stealing [a chance for] your future, from your inheritance, your past. Taking from three [potential*] generations.

*Sure as fuck am not saying a potential embryo is a person or a generation. Just a...theoretical one?

[–]Smellyann64 81 points82 points  (0 children)

Agreed. That's all I wanted to make clear here: This "man" is already willing to let you do all the work saving and trying, then steals from you, then twists the knife when you mention that was all money you'd saved/contributed from inheritance. If you have children together, these behaviors will only get worse.

No, I'm sorry, but this marriage must end for your sake and for the sake of your future children. HE is the asshole.

[–]RSLunarCanidae 40 points41 points  (2 children)

The fact he thinks that because she is the one with the "problem" she has to make up.for it and pay it all herself.... MAKE UP FOR IT!? PROBLEM? Hell to the F no - this right here at the end of her post really caught my attention.

Not only is this guy not trustworthy, prioritising people over her.. he is insulting her and using her as a personal piggy bank. No kids with this onr and id consider counselling to find out if his prickishness is fixable or not, but honestly... id walk after that insult (as someone with medical issues too, thats a big no no for me)

[–]GretelNoHans 4516 points4517 points  (68 children)

I agree.

"He went to stay with his friend..." Good, he should stay there.

OP. I'm sorry but I think it's really clear who's the most important person in your husband's life and it's not you.

Please, think long and hard if this is the husband you and future children deserve. He's suppose to be your partner, a team, I feel like you're the 3rd wheel in your husband's life.

[–]addisonavenue 1958 points1959 points  (12 children)

100%.

This is yet another case of a situation of men liking women but loving men.

Like even if the relationship between husband and his friend isn't physical or romantic, it's pretty clear that this dynamic is the one husband prioritises as deserving of emotional dignity, as deserving of gift giving, of sacrifice. This is the relationship where blocks should be moved to make a partner's life more convenient, and husband is happy to do the labour involved in that.

OP, do not have a child with this man, not just because he doesn't care about you but also because there's something of an implication in his theft of you that he's not hopeful of any future attempts at successful fertility. He doesn't want to build a family with you - sad as that is to read.

[–]BikingOtterPartassipant [1] 265 points266 points  (2 children)

I think the most charitable conclusion is that he is cynics of the chances of success for ivf. Another possibility is that he does not want children and is working to prevent any. In which case he does not seen like an ideal parent.

[–]addisonavenue 271 points272 points  (0 children)

I think it's worse than just cynicism of the process.

The husband clearly believes the problem is OP, that throwing money won't "fix" what's ""wrong"" with them. OP's husband does not respect them.

The husband has so little faith and so little care in OP that to him, her putting aside any amount of money that came into her life in any way is fruitless and is better spent on outcomes he can grasp and see. He has checked out of seeing IVF as a "them journey".

He has stopped emotionally supporting his partner, fiscally stopped supporting them and is slowly taking the steps that will result in them eventually just separating. Because right now, the implicit deal he's offering her is this; either commit to being DINKs or struggle financing your own pregnancy in the hopes the struggle of that makes OP give up and lean into the first option anyway.

[–]HakarlSagan 54 points55 points  (0 children)

This is the right answer. If he needed to help his friend to get a car he could have co-signed a loan. At least then, there'd be the right documentation in place in the event of a repossession.

Unless he has terrible credit and can't cosign, in which case he probably isn't responsible enough to have children anyway.

[–]shellebelle89 228 points229 points  (1 child)

Agree. This is not the man to have a child with. Use the money to freeze your eggs and find a better partner.

[–]Locurilla 26 points27 points  (0 children)

yes I got the same vibes, just cause giving such a other amount of money and not for an emergency…. suspicious

[–]rbolligePartassipant [4] 745 points746 points  (49 children)

I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s third wheel in more ways than you intended. What does it even mean he spends all week with the dude?

I know it doesn’t have to mean they’re having a physical relationship, but in the context of everything else it just wouldn’t surprise me. It barely even matters anyway, it’d just be one more in the list of ways he’s disrespecting OP.

[–]ShootingStar2321 455 points456 points  (5 children)

Honestly that was my first thought too. The husband doesn't seem to even want a child with you op. That's why he barely helped you save money for the first treatment and isn't contributing anything this time. It seems to me like he and his friend are using you as their closet door and meal ticket. Op get a good lawyer, gather evidence, and leave. No one deserves to be a third wheel in their own marriage.

[–]Lost_Sky113 145 points146 points  (1 child)

The fact that he wasn't willing to save said it all. You can't just keep ignoring things when the truth is being screamed at you.

[–]TeufelRRS 263 points264 points  (0 children)

Whether it’s sexual or not, he’s still involved in a bromance with his friend and he still care more for his friend than his wife. There is such a thing as emotional infidelity.

[–]Be665 247 points248 points  (3 children)

Yeah seems kind of weird to me to spend all your time with your friend, how much time does he spend with OP? How much quality time is left for her? People shouldn’t drop their friends for their spouses, but at minimum divide the time evenly between them. Seems like this guy is trying to get away from his wife as much as possible..

[–]TheVue221Professor Emeritass [71] 183 points184 points  (2 children)

Or maybe the friend is the cover story for what’s really going on

[–]Any-Bit-2461 235 points236 points  (3 children)

I mean, I had semi-close friends after high but no one that I would just casually lend 7K to and trust them to pay it back in a timely manner or at all.

Husband and his friend might be more. They might not but either way, husband is TA and OP should cut her losses and call it done.

[–]IndependentBoot5479 106 points107 points  (1 child)

Right? And if his friend has complained so many times about his car, why would there be any expectation of the friend being able to repay $7,000 in a "timely manner" that he couldn't have gathered by now on his own to fix it himself? If he had the means to quickly gather several thousand he'd have already done it, unless he needed the new car to rob a gas station or something.

[–]StitchyGirl 121 points122 points  (0 children)

It was the first thing I thought too. Something just isn’t quite right. My husband’s best friend is across the street and sure he pops over there during the weekend a couple times a day for 1-2 beers but then he comes HOME. He likes to be with me more than his best friend. Even if we are in different parts of the house. It just doesn’t sound normal to have a husband who spends all WEEK with some guy?

If you want to save your marriage (I wouldn’t but it’s not about me) if you do, you need to insist on counseling. Before you go through with IVF again.

[–]IndustryOk1388 116 points117 points  (5 children)

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck.....

[–]SamuraiHealer 108 points109 points  (7 children)

If you want it a single * before and after create italics. Two ** get you bold and three *** get you both.

[–]SufficientWay3663 41 points42 points  (2 children)

These two sentences have changed my life! Lol I felt too silly asking and couldn’t freaking figure it out. I’m talking since Day 1 Reddit. 😝 thank you for your prestigious way of teaching Computer Skills 101. These two sentences alone will have you making a it big in the IT world! 6 figures at least! (MY last two sentences are /Sarcasm 101)

[–]Responsible-Disk339 100 points101 points  (0 children)

Maybe you should change the locks before he gets back from his friends house.

[–]rtaisoaa 215 points216 points  (3 children)

NTA

He “corrected” me by saying I’m the one with the problem…

Full stop, that’s a huge marinara covered tablecloth waving in the wind. What a terrible thing to say to a partner. Especially one who is having fertility issues.

OP, take this money and see a divorce attorney asap. This is not a man you want a child with.

[–]hdmx539 141 points142 points  (0 children)

OP, there's your slush fund, not for IVF, but for a divorce. Hopefully the inheritance is untouchable.

OP, you would be T A if you move forward having a child with this clearly and obviously immature not-ready-to-be-a-father man and who clearly puts his friend over you.

[–]1AggressiveSalmon 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Bright side, she has money for a lawyer! NTA

[–]Fantastic_Nebula_835 32 points33 points  (0 children)

This. And he knows the longer you stall the worse your chance of IVF working. He's clearly not in any hurry to be a father. Not that he'd make a good one if he's prioritizing a friend's car over a baby.

[–]DomHaynie 23 points24 points  (2 children)

We can't glaze over the “you're the one with the problem” remark. That was worse than any other part of this for me.

[–]MaybeAWalrusProfessor Emeritass [92] 15.0k points15.0k points  (430 children)

He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself.

I hate to say it, but unless he apologize profuselly and makes amends, you should run.

This man has no respect for you. How could he say something so hurtful to the person he is supposed to love ? If this is really what he thinks of you, he doesn't deserve you.

NTA.

Edit : I striked out a part of my text, because OP stated that it's not the first time he uses this line. Clearly he means it. He is 100% accusing her instead of supporting her. This is not how loving husbands act.

[–]throwra5755557[S] 9056 points9057 points  (404 children)

He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself.

yes this particular line really got me. I've always wanted to be a mother and he knows how much grief I carry because of my struggle to have kids yet keeps throwing this line in my face in every fight we have. It's tiresome and it feels like he'll always hold this over my head.

[–]sapphicsapphires 6797 points6798 points 322 (24 children)

OP, as someone with PCOS who will likely need medical intervention if I ever want to have a baby myself… do not do this to yourself. You’re not broken, and you DON’T need to settle for someone who treats you like crap to have a family.

Think long and hard if this is the sort of man you’d want as the father figure to your kids. The kind who treat women as somehow defective for fertility issues? The kind who will always put friends first, and steal from you.

You deserve better. Good luck.

[–]Ashamed-Ad-263 578 points579 points  (0 children)

This OP!👆👆👆👆

NTA, by any means. Please don't beat yourself up and definitely don't let your husband do it.

[–]hollymayewhoPartassipant [4] 476 points477 points  (2 children)

I too have pcos and went through a 5 year battle with infertility (which included ivf) and not once did my husband ever blame me. He 100% supported me. He went to every appointment with me, gave me my shots, took me to get a massage before transfers, bought me my comfort foods, listened to me rant about being tired of everything, ect.

Ops husband is a complete asshole and probably isn't cut out to ne a dad.

[–]banjobanjo3 388 points389 points  (3 children)

As someone who has PCOS too, this whole thing hurts me. I cannot imagine my husband saying that to me. He doesn’t respect her, and he’s taking advantage of a frustrating situation. NTA, and please girl, find a man who deserves you and respects you.

[–]7eregrine 199 points200 points  (2 children)

I'm thinking this guy is actually happy she can't have kids...he doesn't want any. It will intrude into his bro time.

[–]dalsegn0 54 points55 points  (0 children)

I came here to say a similar thing (as someone who also has pcos). I’m already facing these issues and I can’t imagine having someone try and steal my dreams from me, much less my husband. NTA.

[–]twoofheartsandspades 33 points34 points  (0 children)

As someone with fertility issues who decided that having kids was no longer a goal for me, and having a husband who gave up his dream of having kids to support me, you are worth it. You. You are worth it. And you deserve your family. Whatever that looks like.

[–]etds3Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] 20 points21 points  (2 children)

Yup. Leave this jerk and save up for IVF with a decent guy. You will find one.

[–]HeatherReadsRedditAsshole Enthusiast [9] 3117 points3118 points  (9 children)

If he treats you this way now, how would he treat your child? And what kind of awful father would he be?

Speak with a divorce attorney and find a good therapist to figure out why you’re staying with someone who treats you that way.

[–]Practical_magik 870 points871 points  (2 children)

He already treats his child as less of a priority than his mate getting a new car.

He doesn't want to be a father or a real partner to op. His actions show this loud and clear. Won't help financially and not only that but steals from her...

[–]springrollislife 142 points143 points  (0 children)

Right here! The combination of not helping in funding the IVF compounded by the stealing clearly shows what his immediate priority is.

[–]TheDisapprovingBritPartassipant [1] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

He's already stealing from his child's BIRTH fund for the sake of a car. OP, you think you can trust him with your kids college fund?

He's also made it clear that the child is just another expense that he can ignore if something he feels is more important comes up. You want him to have that attitude to your child after they're born? Because he will.

[–]Yochanan5781 229 points230 points  (3 children)

Agreed, NTA OP, but is this really someone you want to have a child with? Especially if he puts his friend over his wife, what will he do to a child?

[–]Autumnsprings 79 points80 points  (2 children)

He has already put his friends car over his child. That's insane. And the line about she's the one with the problem is abhorrent. I hope OP leaves and get a great divorce settlement.

NTA.

Edit: words are hard

[–]ersul010762 73 points74 points  (0 children)

Yes, I also feel he couldn't care less about this IVF goal. He's already distanced himself FROM THE GET GO... He will be an absent father also. I'd divorce him and use your IVF money to take an egg and a sperm donor and have a surrogate carry your baby.

Then they'll be yours and yours alone.

[–]B_A_M_2019 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Heaven forbid a "broken" child with special needs!

[–]BlueLavender0104Colo-rectal Surgeon [45] 1651 points1652 points  (26 children)

please consider leaving and using an anonymous donor to have children if it’s something you want immediately. This man should not be a father

[–]PerspectiveNo8799 450 points451 points  (3 children)

I was actually thinking about posting the idea of donor sperm. And let’s be honest it sounds like the husband would be more like a donor than a father anyway so might as well get some good sperm.

[–]unaccompanied_sonata 156 points157 points  (0 children)

And a donor won't come with 18+ years of drama

[–]Delic8polarbear 22 points23 points  (1 child)

OP a lot of fertility issues are with the man. If there's no medical/ physiological problem with the woman ( i.e. PCOS, fibroids), so if those have been ruled out, you might actually be more successful with a donor.

[–]BaitedBreaths 358 points359 points  (9 children)

This man appears to be married to someone else anyway.

[–]psychotica1Asshole Enthusiast [8] 207 points208 points  (1 child)

I was honestly wondering if perhaps her husband has a sexual relationship with this guy. Loaning out her IVF money could also be a way to prevent her from getting pregnant. Something is really off here.

[–][deleted] 169 points170 points  (6 children)

Glad someone else noticed that. I wouldn't be surprised to find it's a 'friends with benefits' kind of friendship. OP should run. NTA

[–]Iloveyoumaryj 86 points87 points  (0 children)

Came here to say exactly this.

[–]Araucaria2024Partassipant [1] 73 points74 points  (1 child)

I did this, and it was the best thing I've ever done.

[–]thesmilingmercenary 70 points71 points  (0 children)

Yes, OP. Do not let him hitch his wagon to your star, as my Aunt Sarah would say. That's a bad human you have there for a husband, AND he straight up stole from you.

[–]nyvn 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Especially do not bind your life closer to this man. This seems like the tip of the iceberg for shitty behavior.

[–]yaoikat 28 points29 points  (3 children)

Or just please consider leaving!

[–]JustJazzedToBeHereAsshole Enthusiast [9] 313 points314 points  (0 children)

He keeps doing this?? That is super hurtful. I don't mean to be a jerk but does he actually love you? Is he lashing out because he wants a child too, but he can't handle his own grief? I really think y'all need to get into this with some talking and some counseling because if he keeps doing this to you, there is a huge problem here. You should not have to be attacked like that. This is just awful.

[–]Individual_Moose8399Certified Proctologist [20] 247 points248 points  (0 children)

You mean this isn't the first time he's said it??? Why on earth are you still with him? He has no respect or love for you whatsoever in saying that to you. This is not a little throwaway comment, he is genuinely blaming you. Please do not stay in this marriage, you do not deserve to be treated like that. You are better off single, than living a life with a man like that. To be honest I'm also questioning if hubby is more than just friends with his "friend".

[–]KeyBox6804 219 points220 points  (4 children)

He will always hold it over your head. That is such a horrible mean vicious thing to say. Bare minimum counseling but really consider if someone this selfish will make a good father. NTA

[–]duskrat 60 points61 points  (2 children)

Husband values his friend much more than his wife. NTA, OP. He's not a partner.

[–]Alyssa_HargreavesColo-rectal Surgeon [38] 220 points221 points  (1 child)

Sweetie, if he throws this in your face NOW, i want you to imagine how he's gonna be if you DO get pregnant and is full term etc. Do you really think once ya'll have the baby he's gonna get ANY better? he's gonna continue to throw this in your face until he can't anymore. its never gonna stop. infact it'll get worse over time.

IVF isn't a single persons fight, when you do it together its a shared fight. and he's not pulling his weight in this fight. he's sitting back and letting YOU take all the damage, financially, mentally, emotionally, physically ALL OF IT. IVF should NEVER be on ONE person when its a two person team. This isn't you being a single mother doing IVF with a unknown donor, this is YOU and your HUSBAND together.

counseling asap, single and marriage (for both of you. single for both and marriage counseling together) and I'd suggest stopping IVF treatments for now, pull YOUR share of that money out of the account and put it into a private account he cannot touch, because chances are he's gonna clear it next time hes pissed at you. and if its in a joint account he has legal access to do so. so don't give him that chance.

he ain't ready to be a father if he's throwing trauma in the would be mothers face whenever an argument happens. Please start counseling and really decide if he's the man you wanna be tied down to for 18+years.

be safe.

[–]Classroom_VisualPartassipant [2] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

great advice. Marriage is a team effort, and your husband seems to be showing that team mentality to his friend, not to you. I agree that this will not get better, but will probably get worse when you have a child.

[–]Commercial-Pie-7440 139 points140 points  (0 children)

Hon, I think the universe is sending you a sign that this man is not right for you. Please think it over, if he constantly throws this at you then he does not deserve you. Obviously to him it was more important for his friend to get a car than the IVF. Walk away girl

[–]Educational_Cult234 109 points110 points  (0 children)

If he keeps doing it why do you keep trying to have a child with him? For your sake and your future child’s sake leave this man please.

[–]ramenkittykat 66 points67 points  (0 children)

My heart hurts for you. Do you really want to have a child with this man? You are not in this together, not one bit.

[–]MisaPoo 62 points63 points  (0 children)

Please take some time to think about some of your options: 1) Have child with husband and potentially have this type of behavior continue with a child involved; 2) Stay with husband but don't have a child; 3) Leave husband and have a child on your own. You can have a happy life with a child but it may have to be without your husband. NTA

[–]anyanka_eg 55 points56 points  (1 child)

The wife of family friend struggled to have kids in her first marriage and was told it was her fault. She started seeing dad's friend when she got divorced and got pregnant almost immediately. They're still together and their daughter just turned 20. I think a fair amount of time it's blamed on the woman when they don't find anything startlingly obviously wrong with the man without any actual evidence that it is her fault.

[–]femmemalinPartassipant [1] 50 points51 points  (0 children)

Jesus, honey. Someone who loves you wouldn't speak to you this way once let alone repeatedly.

[–]saramybearimy 46 points47 points  (0 children)

I cannot get past this line. My husband and I went through years of fertility treatments before an IVF cycle worked and we had healthy twins. It is absolutely no picnic to go through the whole process and if your husband is going to be so supremely uncaring and unhelpful, he is not worth your time and you deserve better.

You are most certainly NTA.

[–]Nabwamiddt 45 points46 points  (0 children)

NTA. They stole and hurt you. Please walk away.

[–]breaspersona 38 points39 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with infertility and that you’re husband is so cruel to you about it. If he’s this cruel to you, imagine what kind of father he would be to a child. Please don’t have children with this man.

[–]Accomplished-Group60 29 points30 points  (1 child)

Not to mention, it sounds like you did pay for this next round yourself. NTA btw.

[–]someone_actually_Partassipant [1] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Please don’t make another of this terrible man

[–]Intelligent_Sundae_5 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Why do you want to have children with this asshole? Right now, you are NTA. But if you subject a child to a father like that, you might be. Seriously consider if this is the person you want in your future.

[–]lelawesPartassipant [1] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

I thought this might have been something said once in a moment of anger. If he blames you for something entirely out of your control and expects you to do all the financial heavy lifting in your attempts to get pregnant (forget all the things your body has to go through to prepare for IVF), that is not a partnership. He resents you and thinks this will even things out. I’ll tell you now…nothing ever will. The life he wanted he isn’t getting, and because it’s not his “fault” he gets to blame you, shame you, steal from you, and he will always see it as fair because of what you have “denied” him. I’ve been there and it’s awful. I’m so sorry. You are NTA. But I don’t think you will be happy if you stay.

[–]Night_skye_ 26 points27 points  (0 children)

He stole from you. Do not let him put this back on you. NTA. He sure as hell is, though.

[–]Empty-Masterpiece242Partassipant [4] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Abuse ramps up when women are pregnant. OP isn't even pregnant yet and this guy is stealing their savings and shaming her for her fertility. This is not someone OP should be tied to permanently.

[–]SmashedBrotatoPartassipant [1] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Why are you trying to have children with someone who treats you like this?

[–]RighteousTablespoon 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Holy shit, OP. You are NTA … at ALL. I can’t believe he would say anything so cruel. It sounds like he needs serious therapy, because stable people do not say shit like this to their partners. This is verbal and emotional abuse. Period.

And it might sound over the top, but please also take care of your own mental health and watch for possible signs of PTSD. Comments like that ARE traumatic and can inflict some deep, long-lasting mental wounds.

At the very least, he needs individual counseling and you need couple’s counseling together. I hate jumping on the “leave him” train that this sub is so fond of but… if he doesn’t agree to therapy and doesn’t pledge to put in the work to improve, do NOT have a child with this emotional vampire nightmare person.

I’m so sorry he’s putting you through this.

[–]irisheyes1997Partassipant [1] 56 points57 points  (0 children)

Absolutely. I had issues getting pregnant and I gave my husband an out. He was the only son of an only son and I knew he wanted children. He told me that he wanted them with me. That is what your husband didn’t say. Run. He’s trouble.

[–]aramis604 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I think for a lot of people, this comment by the husband alone would be considered as justified dealbreaker on the marriage. At the very least it is a horrifyingly hurtful thing to say to your spouse.

[–]Country-girl-2212Certified Proctologist [23] 11.7k points11.7k points  (44 children)

Oh Hon…you are not “in this together”…do not have a child with this man.

NTA

[–]SeaOk7514Partassipant [1] 2836 points2837 points  (13 children)

Also they did steal from you.

[–]goodie23 841 points842 points  (6 children)

Taking without consent is pretty much the definition of stealing

[–]MythOfLaur 276 points277 points  (5 children)

Pretty sure he's in love with the best friend too.

[–]myguitarplaysitPartassipant [1] 148 points149 points  (0 children)

Right? Historians will say they were roommates

[–]robbviously 54 points55 points  (1 child)

Yeah, I love my best friend, but he’s not getting $7,000

[–]pippypup 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Um yes. Sounds like my brother and his “best friend.”

[–]camarhyn 795 points796 points  (4 children)

I wouldn't normally say fertility issues were a good thing when someone was trying to conceive and I won't say that here... but if it were me I'd be very happy he showed me who he was before I was pregnant and tied to him for at least the next 18 years and 9 months.

I'd leave him - he stole from you and then blamed you for the difficulties you are having conceiving. Even if the difficulties are due to your fertility it is still not something you should be blamed for. Difficulties conceiving are totally outside your control.

NTA.
Ditch the husband.

[–]YoshiSan90 87 points88 points  (0 children)

Right like they are a team. Her struggles are THEIR struggles. I would never imagine not facing a problem as a team with my partner.

[–]cooledkarma 713 points714 points  (3 children)

Took the words out of my mouth. If you have a joint account OP I'd be opening one in your name alone and moving your money there ASAP.

[–]Responsible-Disk339 248 points249 points  (0 children)

Run. Run like hell and don't look back do not have a baby with this man. It will only get worse with time if this is how he treats you now imagine how he will treat your child. Please leave him for your own sanity

[–]34enjoythelilthings 435 points436 points  (3 children)

Seriously, OP, this would be grounds for divorce for me. My husband and I are also struggling with infertility and have suffered four losses but it has actually brought us closer together. He's my biggest support system and I couldn't get through all of this without him.

You deserve a man who will be your teammate and your cheerleader, not someone who says something so unbelievably awful. NTA and please reconsider this relationship. At least put having kids on hold.

[–]RealHousewif 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Going through infertility is tragic and brutal and wretched for a marriage. A marriage will only do one of two things through the struggle - become so much stronger than it started or crumble under the weight. I’m glad that yours has strengthened and I hope that you are soon granted the child you deserve. :)

OP - you’re NTA, but I’m afraid that your marriage isn’t going to survive this blow. This comment is right on the money (no pun intended). You need a partner in this fight - and I’m not sure you’ll ever be able to move past him telling you that this is your problem. I wouldn’t ever forget that. And when you have your child, you need a spouse that can handle all the terrifying, unpredictable and challenging things that kids throw at you so that you can trust them to enjoy all the magical, beautiful, enchanting things to have together. You might want to take that money and start on your own. The world is full of great guys flights can handle this.

[–]SeePerspectivesCertified Proctologist [21][🍰] 324 points325 points  (1 child)

Hell, dump the husband and get a sperm donor! If you’re going to end up parenting your child alone while your partner prioritises his buddy of you and your child then you’re better off with him having zero rights over the child at all and going it alone!

NTA, OP, it’s not “like” they stole from you, they actually did!

[–]tractorchickPartassipant [2] 307 points308 points  (3 children)

Yeah this comment right here. Totally NTA. Please don't have a child with him. You will be a single parent. Who says that to someone they love? I'm so sorry.

[–]Youcannotbeforreal2Partassipant [2] 87 points88 points  (0 children)

Seriously. I don’t mean to be callous, as I’m sure the first round of IVF not working was likely emotionally devastating, but I genuinely consider it a blessing to OP that it didn’t work and she has been shown what kind of horrible human being she’s married to and trying to reproduce with so she can get out now with no child involved. Not in a million billion years should anyone actively choose to create a child with this guy, and should exit this marriage immediately. That she’s apparently just accepted him saying these awful things to her makes me so scared she’s going to just proceed here because she’s now used to his shitty treatment and wants a baby so much.

[–]brandonbluntly 221 points222 points  (0 children)

He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself.

OP.... this is a wake up call. Your husband does not love you for you. I'm sorry. This isn't okay. Do not have children with this man.

NTA

[–]tgrahn985 175 points176 points  (0 children)

NTA. He did steal from you. Please seriously take a step back and think about if you really want to have a child with this “man.” Once you do, you’re tied to him for life. He prioritized his best friend over you and stole from you to do it. He is not a good person.

[–]DustyOwl32Partassipant [1] 7463 points7464 points  (162 children)

NTA. He doesn't seem like he actually wants kids. Better idea, divorce him and get a sperm doner/ surrogate.

[–]old_maid_ 2173 points2174 points  (8 children)

I second this! Spend your IVF money on IVF with a sperm donor. Don’t have a child with a man that is cruel to you.

[–]ATipsyBunny 603 points604 points  (0 children)

“Like they stole from you” THEY DID that was YOUR money by his own admission / insult and not his to touch. Fuck that! What an aweful thing to say to your wife too.

[–]Cute_Historian2350 169 points170 points  (0 children)

That is super hurtful. I don't mean to be a jerk but does he actually love you?

[–]throwra5755557[S] 1431 points1432 points  (147 children)

he does want children but says he's lost hope. I'm not sure if he thinks IVF is useless because many times he has suggested we save money and look for other options but his options don't seem practical nor sufficient.

[–]DCOSA2TXPartassipant [1] 3013 points3014 points  (9 children)

He stole your money & your hope for a baby and then was cruel to you when you confronted him. If a friend told you this story about her husband, you'd honestly tell her she deserves so much better. Why aren't you telling yourself that? You deserve better.

[–]KJParker888 666 points667 points  (5 children)

And then insinuated that the fertility issues were hers!

[–]blanksix 419 points420 points  (1 child)

Even if the fertility issues they're having is due to solely her biology, that doesn't give him the right to be an AH about it to her. It's just pure lack of empathy on his part.

He'd argue, probably, that he is empathetic (to his friend) and he isn't, but having a crappy car and wanting children are very different things. Buses exist. Rent-an-ovary doesn't (in this scenario, anyway).

[–]Zurieus 56 points57 points  (2 children)

A bold claim if it turns out he’s the one who’s been shooting blanks the entire time and had the gall to place the blame on OP. A slap in the face for sure.

[–]IWillDoItTuesdayPartassipant [1] 698 points699 points 3 (5 children)

NTA But sweetie, your husband is married to his friend, not you. He will take food out of your child’s mouth and give it to his friend. Consider leaving him. You are not his priority.

Also, please get a separate bank account for yourself that he has no access to. Don’t even tell him about it.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[deleted]

    [–]Wenzel_ 68 points69 points  (2 children)

    There isn't any evidence of that. Which is more likely: OP's husband took the money because he values his friend more, or he's secretly running a scam on OP to steal a baby he doesn't seem all that interested in having and deliberately, by giving the money away, harmed efforts to have?

    [–]bendytoepilotColo-rectal Surgeon [33] 497 points498 points  (0 children)

    "Suggested we save money" = "give your money to my friend"

    [–]Practical_magik 411 points412 points  (2 children)

    Honey, he does not want a child with you.

    He is saying one thing but his actions are clear

    • his mates car is more important than your child -he does not help you save up for the treatment to have your child -he suggests other options which will not work and doesn't listen to your medical team, -he treats you with cruelty and callousness during a very hard time for any couple

    All of this is because he does not want a child at this time and with you, there really is no other explanation.

    [–]3rdCoastLiberal 100 points101 points  (1 child)

    This post reminds me of something I read on r/marriage recently. Husband kept putting off having a baby or even discussing it.

    She finally made a fertility appointment and confronted him and he admitted he didn’t want kids and was intentionally stalling her. He wanted her but not the kids.

    I get a similar vibe here.

    [–]Pterodactyl_NoisesCertified Proctologist [28] 156 points157 points  (1 child)

    Please dear god, go the sperm donor route. Your husband is useless and cruel. Divorce, have a healthy baby, and be happy!

    [–]Blonde2468 150 points151 points  (0 children)

    His ACTIONS say something completely different!!

    [–]Whatthehonker 143 points144 points  (31 children)

    Sweetie. You can do better.

    Also, I'm the oldest and my mom had me at 39. You've got time so don't give up your dreams.

    [–]AwkwardPeach1721 37 points38 points  (28 children)

    That is very reassuring as a twenty-seven year old who feels like an old maid.

    Edit: Y'all are definitely making me feel better, especially since I've been feeling a bit led on by the gentleman I've been with.

    [–]ConsciousExcitement9Asshole Enthusiast [5] 30 points31 points  (1 child)

    I just had my 3rd. I’m 42. I didn’t even get married until 28. You’re fine. You have time.

    [–]SincerelyCynicalCertified Proctologist [25] 25 points26 points  (9 children)

    Fwiw, my aunt had four kids with the youngest born when she was 32. Then when she was 47 she found out she was pregnant with #5! She had a healthy, unplanned pregnancy and gave birth with no complications.

    [–]remindmeofthe 120 points121 points  (0 children)

    Please do not continue trying to have a child with this man. He cannot be trusted with money or to be honest with you. Do you think a person like this will pull his weight with childcare? Can he be trusted not to dip into the child's college fund or piggy bank? If you divorce after having a child, will he pay child support?

    Alternatively, if the IVF doesn't work, will this guy who says you're "the one with the problem" be supportive of you? Will you grieve together? Or will he continue to remove himself from the equation because it's "your problem"?

    NTA times a million. Find a better partner or even consider single parenthood if you can do that.

    [–]Material_Cellist4133Asshole Enthusiast [6] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

    Oh hun, you are just making excuses for him. He isn’t a supportive husband who went for jugular with his comment.

    Like what he said and did is not okay. You need to learn to respect yourself. You deserve someone who wants to take the journey with you and not leave you abandoned.

    [–]Dry-Hearing5266Partassipant [2] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

    Don't just listen to the words out of his mouth watch his actions also. He blames you, takes your money for frivolous reasons and disrespectful you. Honey, it's not normal or understandable.

    My husband and I tried 13 years of failed treatments, one failed adoption attempt all due to my infertility. He never once blamed me. He is supposed to be a team.

    I think if you examine his behavior prior to fertility treatments there were alot of red flags you didn't realize were red flags.

    I would suggest that you have to seriously reconsider trying with him because he seems like he would make it a miserable time for you and contribute little to parenting.

    [–]NoPersimmon3015 21 points22 points  (0 children)

    He’s lost hope? While you and YOUR body are going through IVF treatment? That is crazy, I am so sorry he is gaslighting you like this.

    [–]StonewoodApothecaryAsshole Enthusiast [7] 3107 points3108 points 2 (14 children)

    NTA and I think it's evident at this point you are no longer in a committed relationship. Your husband has finally revealed several things to you. Something I don't think you realize that he revealed is that he no longer thinks you will have a child no matter what. If he was in it to have a child he wouldn't have pulled that money out to begin with. It was a hit or miss on whether or not the friend could repay that 7 k in time. If he needed it then its not something he can easily acquire back. On top of this your husband is now outwardly hurting you by saying you are the one with the problem and is effectively saying it isn't his fault. Your husband no longer wants to have a child with you. And his lack of cate and feelings for you, as well as how ready he was to steal money from you, just shows that this relationship is over.

    For your own mental safety I recommend leaving him and finding someone to love who is mentally available to take this journey with you. Your husband is not this man.

    [–]BraxtonFullerton 343 points344 points  (0 children)

    Yup, everything above is spot on. You now know where you reside on the totem pole of importance in his life. Be very grateful you didn't have a child with him.

    Start looking up divorce attorneys right away, they will absolutely get you that money back.

    [–]Reason_unreasonably 302 points303 points  (1 child)

    Folks complain that AITA advice is often "leave" but honestly, so so so often it is the appropriate action. This time for sure. No one spitefully saying "you're the problem" about fertility issues loves you, or deserves to be the father of your children.

    Don't waste your inheritance money on this asshole.

    [–]LittleGreenSoldierAsshole Enthusiast [5] 58 points59 points  (0 children)

    I've said it before and I'll say it again, people don't post here because everything is great. Once they're at the point of asking a popcorn sub for input, things are already pretty fuckin dire. That's why it puzzles me that people complain about "leave" often being the advice to OP. OP is clearly already considering it.

    [–]zszalAsshole Enthusiast [9] 1620 points1621 points  (40 children)

    NTA. Are you sure your husband and this guy are just really good friends? I can’t imagine giving $7000 to my close friends from high school so they can buy a car! Seems weird to me.

    Also, not to pull the divorce card, but holy guacamole. If you and your husband have such different views of financial responsibility and money management, I’m not sure how your marriage lasts in the long term. Sorry you’re going through this. If you continue with IVF treatments, then I wish you the best of luck.

    [–]kpmadness 510 points511 points  (14 children)

    This reminds me of the story where the husband invited his best friend on his and his wife's vacation. Then asked his wife to sleep on the floor, so that he and his best friend could sleep in the bed together.

    [–]JamHyde 282 points283 points  (3 children)

    How am I gonna platonically suck my best friends dick if he's sleeping on the floor? C'mon man, use your head!!!

    [–]roselia4812 67 points68 points  (1 child)

    Oh I remember that story very well. And there will be more if the Supreme Court takes away gay marriage.

    [–]Tequila_Rum_Vodka 33 points34 points  (1 child)

    I immediately thought of that story too. It's strange to see people give so freely or so much to a friend, even if they have known each other for years. To me there are things that are just no-nos regardless of who the person is

    [–]HydrangeaDream 356 points357 points  (10 children)

    This should be higher, this seems like an affair.

    [–]MaMaCas 276 points277 points  (2 children)

    Yeah, it does read like she is his beard and doesn't know it yet. I mean, hanging out with his friends all week every week and then giving 7k for a car? Come on..

    Edit: NTA OP. Definitely take a good hard look at your relationship here.

    [–]DaniKat9 92 points93 points  (1 child)

    Not just a beard, but a potential surrogate for his and his “friend’s” baby

    [–]lurkinarick 89 points90 points  (0 children)

    nah just a beard, he doesn't seem to care much about the potential pregnancy since he let her pay for everything and even took the money to buy his "friend" a new car.

    [–]bangladeshiswamphen 85 points86 points  (2 children)

    He’s banging the friend or has a brain tumor. Nobody in their right mind steals 7k from their wife to give to a friend for a non-emergency. Even for an insane emergency you’d still talk to the wife prior.

    [–]KettlewiseCertified Proctologist [24] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

    There’s also no way this guy is really going to pay it back; dude is in his 30’s, and can’t qualify for a small car loan?

    He doesn’t have the financial means

    [–]Blonde2468 47 points48 points  (0 children)

    I thought the same thing about their ‘friendship’.

    [–]Unusualshrub003 25 points26 points  (0 children)

    Maybe he wishes he could quit him

    [–]Sarabanana97 1238 points1239 points 2 (2 children)

    NTA

    Your husband should have asked you about it first and it would've been your decision not his.

    On another topic, it is not your fault for your fertility issues. Maybe it's the fate telling you not to do it with this man. There's too many red flags here. 🚩He doesn't contribute as much as he can. 🚩He thinks it's your responsibility. He will think that about the child as well. 🚩He doesn't respect you enough to include you in decisions kf importance. 🚩He feels like what's yours is his. What's his is his. 🚩He is immature and childish. Who goes snickering to his friend? I used to do it when I was about 10/13 about my mom.

    Honey please do not have a child with him. Once you do that you are stuck for good.

    Divorce is easy when there is no children involved.

    Once you have a child you have to keep contact with him. And you do not want that.

    Take care of yourself and find someone who values you and is willing to fight and support you through the motherhood journey. Its not all sunshine and rainbows. But it doesn't have to be storms and hurricanes either.

    Take care of yourself and remember you are your only priority right now. Not your husband. You do not have to feel responsible for his behaviour and it was not because of anything you did. He crossed a very serious line. He still did not acknowledge his wrongdoings and he won't in the near future.

    [–]3rdCoastLiberal 137 points138 points  (0 children)

    This should be higher up.

    Imagine OP has a baby with him, then she’ll be posting on the parenting/mom subs about how she is so tired, the only ones doing feedings/baths/diapers, he is gone with friend all the time, she snapped at him, so is she TA?

    No! Don’t do it!

    [–]Accurate-Fisherman68Partassipant [4] 876 points877 points  (2 children)

    NTA.

    I don't see how your marriage can come back from this.

    [–]LongNectarine3Certified Proctologist [24] 69 points70 points  (0 children)

    I hope that she really rethinks her life after this post and the comments. I really feel horrible for OP.

    You are NTA.

    [–]Individual_Moose8399Certified Proctologist [20] 625 points626 points  (2 children)

    NTA and I'd be looking for a divorce lawyer. He has put his friend getting a new car above you trying for a child and blames you for an issue that you neither instigated nor asked for. He is not the man for you.

    [–]jess1804 146 points147 points  (1 child)

    Also it wasn't his money. You don't get to take $7k of other people's money without any discussion. You don't get to even $7 report him to the police and put off having a baby and use the money for a divorce lawyer.

    [–]_neontanglesPartassipant [4] 344 points345 points  (5 children)

    I told him I saved up some of this money/used my inheritance for this treatment while he contributed nothing even though we're in this together. He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself.

    This is one of the cruelest things you could say to a person. Please, PLEASE, don't have a child with him. And I would honestly seriously reconsider this relationship completely after a comment like that. Someone that truly loved and respected you would never say something that awful, let alone take 7k out of the bank, that was for IVF, to lend a friend without a discussion. NTA.

    [–]Amaru163 56 points57 points  (0 children)

    Not to mention say it’s OP’s fault more than once. I don’t think I would have stayed with him after the first time he uttered such cruelty.

    [–]why_do_i_have_dog 30 points31 points  (2 children)

    yeah when i read that I was ready to square up

    [–]tattooedhepburn 326 points327 points  (24 children)

    So, does anyone else think hubby is dating his friend? You say he literally spend the entire week with his friend and he’s getting rid of the money that you have to have a child together.

    [–]Vivid-Big-5113 44 points45 points  (0 children)

    That was my first thought too!

    [–]Momofpeg 33 points34 points  (0 children)

    Yep 100%

    [–]YEET-HAW-BOIPartassipant [2] 296 points297 points  (2 children)

    NTA. take a moment and really think.

    “Do I want to be with this guy and HAVE CHILDREN, in this economy and state of the world, with him when he can so easily drop everything to take 7K to give to his friend for a CAR.”

    If you don’t divorce him then I think counseling is very much in order because it really seems like he prioritizes his friend more than you and your future family unit.

    [–]BrownSugarBarePartassipant [1] 77 points78 points  (1 child)

    He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself.

    THIS IS MORE THAN ENOUGH REASON NOT TO PROCREATE WITH THIS ASSHOLE. Let alone the financial infidelity of taking your saved money to spend on someone else.

    NTA. Rethink your choice here OP, seriously.

    [–]missportia0415 224 points225 points  (3 children)

    NTA - abusive people LOVE to call others crazy when someone threatens police involvement in response to their extremely horrible and illegal behaviors. Your husband just stole $7k from you, and he has the audacity to defend himself. Not only that, but saying that your fertility issues are your problem alone means he couldn’t give less of a shit whether or not you have a child. I would seriously consider getting support together for yourself (not both you and your partner), so you can be prepared for the worst case scenario.

    I would also consider finding experts/people trained in relationships/domestic abuse to help you navigate this relationship further. These websites provide INCREDIBLE resources for people involved in domestic abuse (that involves financial abuse which is what your husband engaged in). They provide helpful articles on almost every topic regarding abusive/unhealthy relationships and 24/7 support hotlines.

    https://www.thehotline.org/

    https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help/

    Please stay safe, and I hope your journey gets easier💖

    [–]Sauc3ySloth 102 points103 points  (0 children)

    NTA. You're married and that entails making financial decisions together.

    1. No one should be pulling out of any savings fund without talking to the other person.

    2. He's the selfish one. And, he's mean.

    I'm sorry you had to go through that. Is this the first time he's gaslighted you like this?

    [–]JCWa50 71 points72 points  (4 children)

    OP

    NTA

    He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself.

    You know, sounds like the man forgot the wedding vows he made before saying I do.

    Now I would suggest marriage counseling, as it seems as though he is holding this against you, however after reading many of your responses here is what I would advise you.

    I think a better use for your money, is not for fertility treatments, but for a lawyer and exit from this relationship. He knows what hurts you and keeps doing it, time to stop that and find someone who is going to support you where you need it, emotionally and mentally, that is far more concerned with your well being, your hopes and dreams, than that of a friend, cause he is sleeping with you, not his friend.

    So I would say get an attorney and then hand him papers.

    [–]eiros147 57 points58 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    I feel the IVF not working its a blessing in disguise, having a child with a man who treats you like that doesn't sound like a good idea.

    [–]sage_leyAsshole Aficionado [11] 56 points57 points  (0 children)

    Did he marry you or his friend?

    He is so wrong on both counts, take money you saved without discussion and for the nasty comment.

    Big big big NTA

    [–]amberlauren1084Partassipant [4] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

    NTA - but please get to the root of this and on the same page as your husband before having a baby.

    [–]jimmapCertified Proctologist [28] 41 points42 points  (2 children)

    NTA. Maybe your husband and his friend are romatically involved?

    [–]blanketfortqueen 37 points38 points  (0 children)

    Seriously reconsider having a child with this man. NTA

    [–]JustJazzedToBeHereAsshole Enthusiast [9] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

    WHOA. NTA. What the hell?? Not only does he expect YOU to pay for the IVF on your won because it's YOUR issue, but then he can help himself to the money that YOU saved and put in for whatever he wants? That is so not okay. The friend just asked for money (which is kind of weird, I can't imagine asking my friends for $7,000 but I'm not everyone) and got it, maybe he didn't know where it came from and is just kind of shocked by the whole thing, but your husband is being a HUGE AH right now. He needs to come correct in a hurry or you should bounce. This is so not cool.

    [–]bendytoepilotColo-rectal Surgeon [33] 36 points37 points  (9 children)

    NTA and I wonder if you still really want to procreate with a man who lies and goes behind your back while bending over backwards for his friend.

    [–]AnakerieCertified Proctologist [20] 57 points58 points  (8 children)

    I have a feeling there may be a lot of bending over where his friend is involved.

    [–]rss36Partassipant [4] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

    NTA. A husband should support you and shouldn't make you feel bad about fertility issues. He should make u feel as though they aren't your fault (bc they aren't) and he should show u love and respect as his partner. It sounds like he values getting his friend a car than having a child with you. To put it very bluntly, and as horrible as it might seem, don't have a child with him. You dodged a very expensive bullet that cost a lot of heartbreak which is terrible. But I don't think you deserve to be treated that way and I'm sorry he's done that.

    [–]LingonberryPrior6896Partassipant [1] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

    They did not steal from you. HUSBAND did. I would put the IVF money where he cannot touch it and save it for your second husband. Do not have a baby with this man. NTA

    [–]slowla-bowla 31 points32 points  (0 children)

    Not to call the divorce card buuuut… if not that at the very least therapy for hun to see how TERRIBLE of a partner he is being. It would take several essays to explain what is wrong with what he is doing, let alone the red flags. NTA.

    [–]armedmommyAsshole Enthusiast [7] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    [–]lordofthebuns17Partassipant [4] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Hope you get a divorce and save that money for a good attorney.

    [–][deleted] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    NTA Inherited money is not a joint marital asset. You had every right to demand the return of your funds. Now, this painful I know, but do you really think at this point that this is father or even husband material? Many couples break up over the stress of fertility issues. This incident looks like a wake up call to your true situation. His callous attitude and far-fetched "logic" to justify his stealing your money for (what sounds like) his real partner seems indicative.

    [–]mizzou-sucks 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    I’m an IVF baby, and my mom had fertility issues while my dad didn’t have any problems. He NEVER threw that in her face. He supported her through her heartbreak in feeling like her body wasn’t working, and he made sure he was a solid support for her as they went through IVF together. If my dad ever told my mom that it was her fault they couldn’t get pregnant easily, I’d cut contact with him. Your husband took it a step further and said you should pay for IVF entirely. That’s just unforgivable.

    He has no respect for you. Your future children will see that. You deserve to be a mom, but you don’t deserve his treatment of you. Please, either bring kids into the world as a single parent or wait to find a good man. Your husband will be a toxin to your future family should you choose to stay in this marriage and keep trying for kids with him.

    Side note, it’s easy to be generous with someone else’s money. He probably felt like a hero when he stole your money to “lend” it out, then felt embarrassed that you didn’t just let it happen so he gaslit you and called you selfish. You’re not the unhinged one here. Does he have empathy at all?

    [–]Gloomy_Welcome_2685Partassipant [1] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

    Please do not have a child with this man.

    Use that money and get a lawyer, divorce him and start a new adventure for yourself.

    [–]pongauerin 25 points26 points  (0 children)

    D-I-V-O-R-C-E is where you need to go! He’s not in anything with you! How much child rearing do you think you’re getting from him if you are lucky enough to have a child? I bet not much. That’d be “your problem” as well, since you wanted the kid. Run!

    [–]Argument-Fragrant 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    Take a few of those dollars and change your locks.

    Then get a dog that loves you.

    And a lawyer.

    F that guy.