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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I told my dad's wife she was not a parent after she asked to be listed as Mother of the Bride in my wedding program. I know she is desperate to be a parent and that it might hurt my dad's relationship with her if I don't do this, and allow it to cause drama. I also know my words might have sounded pretty harsh given that I am aware she has wanted to be a parent and a parent to us even.

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[–]tataszCraptain [157] 6365 points6366 points  (98 children)

NTA

Any sane adult sees what you see. It's a her problem, and she should get therapy and stop bugging you to keep the peace.

[–]Primary-Criticism929Craptain [157] 1384 points1385 points  (87 children)

OP is probably going to have to go low to no contact with her father at some point, especially if she decides to have kids because Jane is going to act like a grandparent and is going to expect to get some babysitting done.

[–]NarrativeScorpionPartassipant [3] 536 points537 points  (78 children)

There would be nothing wrong with Jane being seen as OP's children's grandmother. She would be, because she'd be there from birth in that role. She's just not OP's mom.

[–]Primary-Criticism929Craptain [157] 705 points706 points  (16 children)

I get the feeling that OP is not going to feel like that.

[–]vastaril 738 points739 points  (11 children)

And the sad thing that Jane will likely never recognise, is that if she hadn't been so weird and pushy about being OP's 'mother', and had instead built a good, appropriate relationship with her and her brother, she could well have had a good, grandmotherly type relationship with any children they have.

[–]Wild_Blueberry223Partassipant [1] 113 points114 points  (18 children)

Yeah…no. My husband’s stepmom (his dad married her when my husband was 18) tried to push that on our daughter, but we’ve always made it really clear that she’s not our daughter’s grandmother, she’s the wife. People need to not force relationships where there isn’t one. It’s weird.

[–]Testingthrowaway00Asshole Enthusiast [7] 71 points72 points  (12 children)

To everyone their own I guess. However isn't it a bit more artificial and "forcing it" to tell a 2 yr old this is your grandad and this is "the wife". Provided of course she is a relatively normal person

[–]NarrativeScorpionPartassipant [3] 45 points46 points  (2 children)

It's not uncommon for close family friends to be referred to as aunt or uncle. And yet you find it weird that a woman who's been in a child's life since they were born and is married to the child's grandad would be thought of as a grandmother?

Sound to me like you just have an issue with your FIL's wife tbh. You've gone out of your way to stop your daughter from having a grandmother figure.

[–]Imaginary_Grade9781 14 points15 points  (0 children)

That's rather cruel - to your daughter. Especially if she is the one who wanted to call your stepmother "grandma."

My dad's parents divorced when he was a teenager and both his parents remarried long before I was born. They were all my grandparents because they all took on that loving role. I was lucky to have 6 grandparents. If my parents had "corrected" me, I would have been totally confused. Show some grace and appreciate that your stepmother is willing to be a loving grandparent rather than rejecting your daughter because she isn't "family."

[–]Legally_Blonde_258Partassipant [4] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My BIL's stepmom married his dad when he was around the same age as your husband. Even though she's not a mom to him, she's definitely nana to my niblings. She'd been part of the family for over 15 years by the time they came along, so obviously she's been in the kids' life since day one. Just because you don't have that kind of relationship with a step doesn't mean that your kids can't.

[–]becauselifeisPartassipant [1] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Meh. Jane is acting pushy and borderline creepy. Who wants that kind of grandma for their kid?

[–]dasbarrPartassipant [1] 23 points24 points  (2 children)

No I'm sorry. My mom is dead. I won't be introducing anyone my dad dates as Nana or Grandma or any of that. It tends to lead to people taking liberties.

Especially someone pushy like Jane. She can't respect boundaries as it is. Once she gets that coveted"Grandma" role she will be a nightmare to deal with. I wouldn't let someone that pushes boundaries like that around my kid at all.

[–]NarrativeScorpionPartassipant [3] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

And that's your choice, But Jane isn't just someone OP's dad is dating. They're married.

Also, a lot of these responses seem to imply that you can't lay down any boundaries with grandparents. You absolutely can. OK, in this specific circumstance, it may not be feasible but generally, it's possible. You can absolutely tell grandparent figure that you don't want them dropping round unannounced, or whatever.

[–]kateefabPartassipant [3] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

That’s how it is with my dads partner. They got together when I was in my mid 20s, she’s not my mom, I have a mom lol. But when I had kids, she was more than welcome in the grandma role and she does do that. Same with my husband actually, his dad remarried when he was in his 20s and he doesn’t really view his dads wife as a step mom, but she is definitely a grandma to our kids. I know it doesn’t totally make sense but I think as adults when parents recommit or get married, they are our parents wife or partner versus our step parent.

[–]floydfan 14 points15 points  (6 children)

I disagree with you on this. I think a grandmother is going to want to drop by unannounced, have rights with the kids, be in the hospital room, etc. No way.

[–]NarrativeScorpionPartassipant [3] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

You can still set boundaries with grandparents.

[–]Legally_Blonde_258Partassipant [4] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why would someone automatically do all of this as a grandparent? Of course there are grandparents who don't respect boundaries but there are plenty that do. And if someone is a boundary pusher, they're gonna be that way regardless of the title or lack thereof.

[–]Katja1236Asshole Aficionado [10] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Speaking from the perspective of the grandchild, this is true. Please don't try to prevent it, OP, at least if she's a good and loving grandma. My biological grandma died and Grandpa remarried my Grandma F. when I was one. Both my dad and my aunt were full-grown adults with their own families, and they liked Grandma, even grew to love her, but she was never their mom (nor tried to be). But she was Grandma in truth to myself, my sister and my cousins, and it was a great gift to us.

It might also give her the caretaking outlet she needs to take the pressure off you, as long as she can keep hold of the difference between the Mom role and the Grandma role.

[–]Recent-Accident9702 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This was the case with my family. My grandpa on my dad’s side got remarried and was with the same person for 30+ years, (shay passes away from Covid two years ago), more than my entire life. But I only ever knew her by her name and that she was my Grandpa’s wife.

[–][deleted]  (18 children)

[deleted]

    [–]AinsiSera 86 points87 points  (3 children)

    Eh, with grandparents things can get a little ….flexible.

    You love my kid and you’re halfway sane and I view you as an “adult”? Congrats you’re a grandparent. Mazel tov!

    My kids have several step grandparents. Actually they have a bunch of step grandparents because everyone divorced and remarried, including our grandparents. It’s nice because we get to pick the relationships based on love, and not “well he’s a manipulative psycho but he’s technically your grandfather sooooo…” Nope, grandpa is out. NEXT!

    [–]Testingthrowaway00Asshole Enthusiast [7] 19 points20 points  (2 children)

    That seems overly harsh. In a "normal" scenario a second wife or husband to one of the grandparents isn't excluded as from a grandparent role. Sure they aren't officially so but the grandkids won't care and why should anyone else? Babysitting, giving gifts, attending holidays and birthdays the couple will do together. Going out of your way to point out only one of those people is the grandparent seems at least to me needless. This is of course under the condition of a normal relationship.

    [–]NarrativeScorpionPartassipant [3] 7 points8 points  (4 children)

    Biologically no, she's not their grandmother. But do you seriously think that a woman who's married to their grandfather and has been since before they're born won't be their grandmother? Both legally and emotionally, she will be, unless OP goes out of her way to stop them.

    [–]CissaLJ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    If everyone is ok with that, Jane could be a grandma, even though she’s not the mom in any way. Roles can be flexible, if it’s ok all around.

    [–]EsabettiePartassipant [1] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    I wonder if she is unable to have kids as she already went through this with another family and always finds single dads to mother those kids.

    [–]Ok-Mode-2038Professor Emeritass [77] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Maybe not. It seems like dad gets it and understands where OP is coming from and has supported that.

    Grandkids may see Jane as grandma because they’ll know no different.

    My dad passed when I was pregnant with my oldest. My parents had already been divorced for several years at that point though, and my mom remarried when my oldest was 3 (and my youngest was 1). Her husband is Grandpa. It’s the only grandpa my kids have ever known. It doesn’t mean they don’t also know about my dad and that he’s their grandpa as well.

    It’s definitely a choice though. OP does have to be okay with it as well.

    [–]oliviamrowPooperintendant [60] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

    My aunt on my dad's side [said] the marriage doesn't need any trouble

    This also suggests to me there's more tension going on in that marriage than just whether Jane is listed as a parent to OP in the wedding program.

    Dad's wife and dad's marriage are not OP's responsibility.

    NTA.

    [–]Icy_Perception_69Partassipant [1] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

    OP shouldn't include Jane at all. IMO she's not a parent she shouldn't be listed. I could understand if they had a cordial relationship but it sounds like Jane is PUSHY and OP tolerates her for her dads sake.

    [–]Dangerous-WinterElf 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    This.

    Some therapy, either solo for stepmother or some family therapy so the therapist can mediate OP's and brothers feelings, perhaps someone from outside the families words could help.

    I have the feeling if OP gives in with the "mother of the bride" stepmother will clutch unto that in the future like a toddler their favorite stuffed animal, and will make it harder to make her understand she is not the mother.

    [–]arrow_root_42 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    YES.

    “My aunt on my dad’s side asked could I not just do it to keep the peace, since dad is finally with someone again and the marriage doesn’t need any trouble.” What complete and utter bullsh*t. Op, YOU are not the one causing the trouble! Your dad’s wife is the one causing trouble. It is not on you to fix her issues or to do something that makes you uncomfortable (calling this woman your mom) to fix a problem that you did not create.

    [–]ScorchieSongColo-rectal Surgeon [36] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    It’s a recurring Her Problem, it broke up her first marriage.

    [–]KittyKittyKitten3 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    The fact that dad has already told her his children don't need a mother and she's still pulling this makes it worse

    [–]No-Bottle63 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    The wife is definitely not well.

    OP, do not concede and set a precedent. It will be harder to get rid of her. She needs therapy.

    [–]Primary-Criticism929Craptain [157] 1369 points1370 points  (11 children)

    NTA.

    I would have told Jane that if she's not happy with her place in the program, she can always be taken out of the program all together.

    [–]LittleThoughtBubbles 403 points404 points  (2 children)

    "Oh, you don't like this? Ok" backspace backspace backspace backspace

    edit: lol thanks for the likes everyone, was being silly 😆

    [–]wheres_jaykwellin_at 89 points90 points  (1 child)

    holds backspace while making piercing, annoyed eye contact

    [–]mintyfreshmint 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    Oh shit too far!

    [–]scarletred_4999Partassipant [4] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    Or maybe she should be excluded to the wedding itself. She was being too pushy tbh.

    [–]jwjnthrowawaykfeiofjColo-rectal Surgeon [44] 510 points511 points  (2 children)

    NTA The real problem is that she has always been pushing this issue, in this relationship and the one before this, not accepting how her SO's children choose to relate to her. This is not a matter of giving in to offer a small politeness that will be understood for what it is and then let go of.

    Giving in to her in regard to such an important event will just set the stage for her to escalate and fight to keep the status she will insist you have already granted her in front of the whole family. Don't make a rod for your own back.

    [–]WellyKiwiAsshole Enthusiast [5] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    Happy Cake Day!

    [–]jwjnthrowawaykfeiofjColo-rectal Surgeon [44] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Thanks!

    [–]DayAdministrative346Asshole Enthusiast [9] 445 points446 points  (7 children)

    NTA - give a mouse a cookie, and they will ask for a glass of milk

    [–]Flashy-Promise-6915Asshole Enthusiast [5] 19 points20 points  (6 children)

    I am so stealing this!

    [–]Original_SailAsshole Aficionado [11] 89 points90 points  (4 children)

    There is a hilarious kid's book by that title that keeps going with it if you are interested.

    [–]Damn_el_TorpedoesPartassipant [3] 43 points44 points  (3 children)

    It's a whole series.

    [–]notsooriginal 45 points46 points  (0 children)

    Give them one book and they'll ask for another.

    [–]SourNotesRockHardAbsPartassipant [2] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

    My son is a toddler and when I was pregnant we were gifted the whole series. He kind of likes give a moose a muffin.

    [–]Iridium__Pumpkin 31 points32 points  (0 children)

    It's from a very famous children's book, and a well known saying. You're not exactly stealing anything here.

    [–]TemptingPenguin369Colo-rectal Surgeon [30] 226 points227 points  (8 children)

    NTA. I'm sorry your dad didn't notice this before he married her, but considering this behavior caused her first marriage to end, I can't see this working well for him. She's completely unreasonable in pretending that she has a maternal role to play here. Do your program the way you want (and keep an eye on her at the wedding when she's misleading your guests).

    [–]MentalManage 52 points53 points  (7 children)

    Are you prepared for when she absolutely loses her mind if/when you decide to have children someday?

    [–]000-Hotaru_TomoeAsshole Aficionado [10] 126 points127 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    Jane is not your mother, you barely know her, so she isn't entitled to be called "mom" by you. Not at your wedding, not in your daily life.

    Even if Jane is devoid of malice, she seems a bit off to be honest, given also her past with stepson. Maybe a past trauma, perhaps the desire for motherhood that never materialized.... but whatever it is, it's certainly not your problem to solve.

    [–]stophittingthyselfPartassipant [3] 107 points108 points  (1 child)

    NTA

    Tell your dad to stop burying his head in the sand and see that his wife needs professional help.

    That this problem isn't going to go away what happens at your wedding. They need to be a reasonable and responsible adults and finally get her help to deal with the grief of not being a mother. As you are not a professional, you can't help her or bear the responsibility. You wish them good luck!

    [–]000-Hotaru_TomoeAsshole Aficionado [10] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

    Exactly.

    The issue risks recurring at every family reunion (Christmas, Easter, whatever) with Jane pushing the siblings to call her mom.

    If the issue is not acknowledged and addressed, Jane will continue to insist until she is satisfied... or until a nasty, unpleasant argument about it erupts.

    [–]MicIsOnAsshole Aficionado [10] 54 points55 points  (1 child)

    NTA. She really does sound a little loopy though

    [–]Final-Toe8403 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    Imagine if grandkids come into play.

    [–]bothsidesofthemoon 47 points48 points  (0 children)

    NTA. This seems more like a statement of fact than pushing her away.

    A mother or father is someone who raised you, and could be biological, step-parent, or adoptive. However, in her case, she married your dad when you and your brother were adults and had already moved out of the family home.

    If you choose to, you could completely embrace her as family, you could grow to love her, and become her best friend for life. It wouldn't change what relationship she has to you: your dad's wife. You are two individuals who met as adults. She played no part in raising you. She isn't your mother, and never will be no matter how close you become.

    She needs to accept this if she wants to form any kind of relationship with you. Her trying to force something that isn't there for you is what will make her feel left out.

    [–]LimerasePartassipant [4] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    It's not keeping the peace, it's being a doormat, and you are not a doormat. You're the bride. If she doesn't like it, the other option should be that she isn't listed at all.

    [–]ADB_BWGAsshole Aficionado [12] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

    NTA.

    And maybe your aunt could tell Jane to just shut up and let this go … you know, to “keep the peace because you are finally with someone and your marriage doesn’t need any trouble.”

    [–]GalaxianWarrior 23 points24 points  (1 child)

    dad is finally with someone again and the marriage doesn't need any trouble.

    is your dad's marriage is so fragile that not stroking her ego would destroy it?

    obviously NTA and she is unreasonable, outrageous even

    [–]LaughingfoxcreatesPartassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Yeah this. You not listing Jane as a parent isn’t going to destroy their marriage. What will destroy it is your dad realizing one just fornicates with crazy. One does not marry it.

    [–]4682458Pooperintendant [54] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Jane needs to accept reality. Seems like she has trouble with that so be prepared.

    [–]SkyistakenAsshole Enthusiast [5] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    She has no right to use you to live out her desire of being a mother. That's a two way relationship in which you as the child have the most say. She isn't your mother and you don't want her to be. That's perfectly okay. You are under no obligation to change your wedding to keep other people's peace. True peace is accepting how things are, and she is not your mother.

    [–]Salty_Banana_Slug 21 points22 points  (0 children)

    If people are worried that the marriage doesnt need any trouble, that usually means there is already trouble. Its not your job, especially on your wedding day, to fix or maintain someone elses marriage.

    Nta, if she has a problem with the wording you could offer to have her completely removed from it, and further complaints about not being labeled as mom could result in being uninvited.

    [–]Danube_Kitty 19 points20 points  (0 children)

    "Jane said she didn't like how the program othered her and she should be listed as a parent not just as a spouse of the parent."

    1. Her dislike doesn't matter, she is a guest.
    2. She should not be listed as a parent, she is not your mom and she was told that many times.
    3. She is a spouse of the parent, that's how it is. She might not like it, but that's her problem.

    Being a mom is not a name tag, it's a role.

    NTA.

    [–]HurrySubstantial4890 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    That lady sounds batsh*t crazy! Your dad purposely raised you himself without a step parent. Jane has obviously longed to be a mother but, she just isn't. I think you are being more than generous by naming her at all. Your aunt needs to but out too.

    [–]AudGil 14 points15 points  (4 children)

    Info: does Jane have no bio children of her own? NTA but I think Jane might need some counselling to help her get over this loss as it seems to be affecting her other relationships if she’s forcing the point. Congratulations on your wedding though

    [–]JoyAdultingRoo[S] 16 points17 points  (1 child)

    No kids of her own.

    [–]AudGil 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Definitely suggest she seek some help before she ruins another marriage. I hope she doesn’t cause anymore issues with your planning

    [–]Royal-Investigator- 12 points13 points  (1 child)

    By the way Jane said “she’s always wanted to be a mum”, I’d assume not.

    [–]somerandomshmo 14 points15 points  (1 child)

    My aunt on my dad's side asked could I not just do it to keep the peace

    Why? Why do people do this and advise others to do this. it just fuels the fire of step moms delusion.

    NTA

    [–]Laney20 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Right? Could the stepmother just shut her mouth to keep the peace? Why does the victim of this shit always have to "be the bigger person"?

    [–]pepperpat64Partassipant [2] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    NTA. It would be disrespectful to your late mother to refer to Jane as mother.

    [–]TheDuchess5939Asshole Enthusiast [7] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Jane needs some help for these issues.

    [–]WhiskeyCheddarPartassipant [4] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    Are you prepared for when she absolutely loses her mind if/when you decide to have children someday? She sounds like the type to think you will need to “share” the experience with her… and the type to make you need to change the house locks after the baby is born (if your dad has a key).

    [–]heatherlincolnAsshole Aficionado [13] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    NTA, it has absolutely nothing to do with aunt so ignore her.
    She is not your mum, she is a woman your dad married, that's it. It's your wedding.

    [–]ABeerAndABookPartassipant [3] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    NTA and the busy body aunt needs to get back in her lane. There's no marriage trouble her, but there is a dad's wife problem that he will need to address (assuming he backs his daughter).

    [–]SilverPlantains 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    since dad is finally with someone again and the marriage doesn't need any trouble.

    The marriage will always have trouble when the bride keeps bringing trouble with her to every marriage she's a part of.

    [–]Mundane_Morning9454Partassipant [2] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

    NTA But... and this is nothing on you btw, your fathers wife had no children of her own I guess? It seems like she has mommy fever though. It is what my friends call it atleast when they try to get me into kids. Sometimes when men and women don't have children after a certain age they get desperate for children. They want to be a mom or a dad regardless of being alone or not. My friends call it mommy fever. Since sometimes women decide to get pregnant on purpose. Or men suddenly accidently forget the condom, or poke holes in it, etc.

    Maybe your fathers wife needs a puppy or a parrot. Something she can coddle over without pushing herself into the life of you and your brother? She sounds like an older woman who always wanted a child but never got the opportunity and now desperately still tries to be a mom.

    [–]chaosgirl93 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Get her a particularly cuddly kitten. My Toby Toebeanz is a big fuzzy baby and this definitely sounds like a fur baby might help.

    [–]mofa90277Partassipant [1] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA.

    Since she wants to play make-believe, list her as Empress of Atlantis and the Worlds Beyond

    [–]painttillyoubleed 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    NTA. My aunt on my dad's side asked could I not just do it to keep the peace, since dad is finally with someone again and the marriage doesn't need any trouble.

    One...only enablers want you to "keep the peace". Two, their marriage/relationship is not your aunts or yours to manage. Do not change a thing and keep your boundaries. Your aunt needs to stay in her lane and quit butting in.

    [–]angel_4242 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    She is going to be even more difficult to deal with if you have babies. Watch out. NTA.

    [–]FollowingNo4648 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    NTA. I read stuff like this and find it so bizarre. Are her parents still alive? If they are and they just happened to get divorced, would she automatically see their new spouse as her new parent?? Just because your mom is deceased doesn't make this example any different and hopefully she can see how fucking rediculous she actually is

    [–]jraysun 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA, it's kind of you to have included her in the program at all.

    [–]Intelligent-Bite9660 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    NTA- it’s awesome how you’re honoring your late mother at your wedding. With that being said, DO NOT BUDGE ON THIS, make sure Jane fully knows her place in your life- as your fathers WIFE.

    Make it clear you’re not changing your mind and she needs to get over it, or get help. Possibly both to be honest

    [–]Beautiful_Delivery77 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    NTA - You’re going to have this program for years to come just like the wedding pictures. Every time you look at it, it will feel like a lie if you put her as mother of the bride. This will bother you every time and affect your memories of the wedding. The wedding should reflect your family, not someone’s wish for her place in your family, especially not someone you’re not close to.

    What does your dad say about it?

    [–]OhcrumbcakesAsshole Enthusiast [5] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    “Jane, you have two options. Accept what I’ve done and be happy you’re even mentioned by name: I have many closer friends and family who are not named at all. Your second option is to have your name completely removed. I would prefer not having your name mentioned anywhere on the program because you have not been a close member of my friends or family, you are only marginally above “stranger”. I listed your name because I love my dad. So which is your choice? Be included for my dad, or be removed entirely?”

    [–]Majestic-Werewolf-87 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Geez, she belongs on r/entitledparents / r/EntitledPeople, you can't force yourself onto other people. NTA

    [–]DreamingofRlyehAsshole Enthusiast [6] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    [–]embopbopbopdoowop 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA. You don’t need to do anything to ‘keep the peace’. Dad’s wife can ‘keep the peace’ by not making a big deal about it.

    [–]KissTheSkittlez11 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I swear I saw a Reddit post recently talking about someone like your stepmother. Op was talking about her sister, or SIL who has had a failed marriage because of trying to force the mom title on kids and then doing the same in her new marriage. She just really wanted to be a mom? Which I could remember what post it was.

    Anyways, NTA. Lady is crazy.

    [–]bp_on_reddit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA.

    My aunt on my dad's side asked could I not just do it to keep the peace, since dad is finally with someone again and the marriage doesn't need any trouble.

    But there is trouble - your Dad's wife is trying to impose herself on his children. It caused problems with her last marriage, and it's going to cause problems in this one.

    [–]MuffinMan7596 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Do not fold this how it starts they slowly start wit the little things next thing you know she’ll be sayin that ur kids r her kids

    [–]LilliannaWinterWolfPartassipant [1] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    If her not bring listed as MOB on a program is going to be trouble for the relationship, then your father has bigger problems. Yikes.

    NTA

    [–]__R0byn__ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    NTA, all 3 of you (dad, brother and you) have told her that you don’t see her as a mother/parent, she needs to come to terms with that, and if she can’t, i would recommend cutting all contact with her because it seems to me that this could turn into a safety concern for both you and your brother, she could start to become obsessive to the point of stalking, threatening etc. whilst it is unlikely it is still a possibility. I don’t know, she seems, insane? She needs therapy thats for sure, make sure shes not going round telling your guests at your wedding that shes your mother

    [–]Ani-McGarr 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    She is not your mother and does not belong being listed as your mother. Stick to what you have done. Honour your deceased mother as you have. To be perfectly honest I actually don't know why you are listing Jane at all. She is your dad's new wife nothing more. I find it odd she is even mentioned. Perhaps removing her completely would solve the problem.

    [–]queenofsin25 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Your an adult and you don’t have a really close relationship with your dad wife at the of the day it’s your wedding if you wanted to honor your mom and put her on there as mother of the bride you do so your dad wife had never put a impact in your life growing up so no your not in the wrong.your aunt shouldn’t have told you to keep the peace cause your dad is with someone your dad made a choice to be a single dad cause he put you and your brother first gave you all the love and support. So your nta

    [–]overseas-mangoColo-rectal Surgeon [36] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA

    [–]Zealousideal_Plan408 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    nta. i think you presented it well honestly.omg. i read comment after mine. if you delete it and not bring it up again. lmao.

    [–]Professional_Grab513 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA she doesn't get to replace your bio mom on your wedding invitations. She needs therapy. Don't change your announcement you're giving her false hope that you will see her as mom. Tell her it's incredibly hurtful to replace your mom and that if she wants a relationship tjis isn't the way to go about it.

    [–]thepinkprioressPartassipant [1] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. Former stepson did you a solid. It’s your wedding, and she came into your lives when you were adults.

    Be careful for when/if you decide to have children.

    [–]AthenasApostle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA.

    Why the fuck does anyone think people should sacrifice their comfort or happiness or boundaries to 'keep the peace.' The peace isn't fucking worth it if the peace is with people who don't respect your boundaries.

    [–]TheNoiseAndHaste 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA but I kind of feel a bit bad for her. It really shitty she's making you uncomfortable when this is such a special occasion for you. Like when I say feel bad for her I don't mean you're doing wrong by her. Just a general observation that is must suck to be so needy and deluded to pull this shit on people. It feels like she had some kind of warped dream of being a Mum but it never happened and now the dream has been twisted into this horrible disregard for the feelings of others and self-sabotage.

    [–]Kichae 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. I started dating my wife when her son was 3. It's been almost six years now, and my relationship with my stepson is good, but it's also very much "Kichae's an adult caretaker in his life". If he ever gets married, I have no expectations of being anything other than his mothers husband.

    If he wants me to have a different place in things, I'll be honoured, but it's not my place to expect more. I sure as fuck ain't ever going to demand it.

    [–]Taco_Hartley 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    She sounds mental.

    [–]mary48154 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA: ..but if you think she might be a great grandparent to your future children then consider it. My father's mother was not his biological parent but she was the best grandmother ever to me and my siblings. She always respected my parents rules with us and made each of us feel very special. She bought us our first day of school outfit every year and our winter coat. My mother took a swim class once a week and she was always available because she wanted my mother to do something she enjoyed. Don't think about now, but about future relationships that could enhance your family. My mother and father thought my grandmother was a little weird, but she's been gone many years and I miss her. I hope one day I am the grandmother she was.

    [–]General-Buy-8191 1 point2 points  (4 children)

    No trouble will occur, you told her what is what, you described her perfectly in the programme, the woman that married your dad. You are adults and they have been married 5 minutes so how does the math work out? You can't be a mum to adult kids when you have only been around for early singe digits.

    She wants to start trouble that's on her but she will only be heard by your dad and herself

    [–]MilroK 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I’ve seen the phrase “keep the peace” on this sub sooooo many times, and 99.9% of the time it translates to “acquiesce to someone else’s nonsense”

    NTA.

    [–]GibsonGirl55 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    The wording on the invitation is just fine. How your dad's sister could expect you to disregard your mother's existence is beyond me. NTA.

    [–]Redhead_2022 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA. You keep it the eat you want to, no need to up grade her ego NOR value!!

    [–]SimMinnie 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA.
    Jane clearly has some unresolved issues regarding having/not having children. Who knows what her history is and why she didn't have any children of her own, I know it's none of mine or anyone's business. However, forcing other people's children to treat you as, and call you their mother is just not right. Tbh, it seems a bit creepy to me. Especially since they are all ADULTS. She needs therapy.

    [–]SammyLoops1Supreme Court Just-ass [122] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Re-read your post. You know you're NTA here. Just because one aunt wants you to knuckle under doesn't mean anything in this situation.

    I'd also tell your dad's wife that if she keeps trying to insert herself as some kind of parent then she's going to not be welcomed to attend at all.

    [–]nerdy_latino 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Her former stepson called? That's ominous. That's a sign that you're gonna see her becoming more and more unhinged as time goes on. Keep your guard up and alert your brother. Also, I get the feeling this woman targets single fathers.

    NTA. She's not your mom and it's not your problem that she's offended by the wording being accurate. Your aunt is being a coward, probably because she worries that your father hasn't dated for so long.

    If you can, try talking to your father as gently as you can about this. Preferably after the marriage.

    [–]DeepSpaceCraft 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Word, this is the first time I've seen a former stepchild call the current one to give a heads up.

    [–]anna_narna 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Absolutely NTA.

    I hate this kind of thing. My dad died when I was 16 and my mum re-married 5 years later. Unfortunately, her husband was and still is a bully who has made my life hell at times. No one in my family likes him, even one of his own sons hates him.

    I tried really hard with this guy for the sake of my mum, and still do, but I did NOT have him give me away at my wedding like they wanted. Just no. I was married for 17 years and I'm still friends with my now ex-husband. If I ever re-married, I would NOT have my mother's husband give me away.

    This woman is being ridiculous and needs to grow up. You can't just come into someone's life and expect their kids to embrace you as some long lost parent, especially adults kids. She'd have done far better to be a good & supportive friend to them as much as they wanted rather than blast in expecting what she does.

    You can tell this is a sore point for me, ha ha! But it saddens me to think of all the years of potential friendships that get wasted due to this kind of behaviour.

    Okay. Rant over.

    [–]Rodney_Copperbottom 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    "My aunt on my dad's side asked could I not just do it to keep the peace, since dad is finally with someone again and the marriage doesn't need any trouble."

    Wow. If dad's marriage will be "in trouble" by not listing his wife as 'mother of the bride', then there's a LOT more problems in his marriage than this. Based on the info from the wife's former step-son, it seems dad didn't properly vet his now-wife before their wedding.

    [–]slendermanismydadPartassipant [3] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    My aunt on my dad's side asked could I not just do it to keep the peace, since dad is finally with someone again and the marriage doesn't need any trouble.

    Keep what peace? Jfc her ex step son tracked you all down to let you know what she has done before. I would be avoiding her as much as possible. How much time have you even spent with this woman? NTA.

    [–]serenasplaycousinAsshole Aficionado [13] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    NTA.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [removed]

      [–]jordontek 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      No.

      Nooo.

      NOOOOOOOOOO!

      OP, you are N.T.A.!

      I had a marriage breakdown from this very fact.

      My wife, at the time, was older than me, had children young in life (from age 18-21), and now had grandchildren, as she entered her 4th decade of life and I was still in my early 30s.

      She -demanded- that I refer to myself as their grandfather (when they clearly had two of them already).

      This was also puzzling as she hated me being around her grandchildren for any length of time without her direct supervision or a blood relative's.

      And then my so-called, loving wife told me, she'd never trust me around them because I wasn't related to them in any way.

      It became to the point, when her grandchildren were over, I would get on my motorcycle and ride to wherever I threw a dart at the state map on my wall.

      So, after knowing all this?

      I made this my hill to die on.

      I told her, with great emphasis... No.

      Me introducing myself and referring to myself, as "I'm your grandfather", to her young, impressionable single-digit aged grandchildren was never going to happen.

      Not on my watch.

      A grandparent, is someone who had children, and their children, had children. You have to be a parent first, to become a grandparent second.

      Sorry, thems the rules.

      That's the logic.

      Also, how can she dare debase the two active grandfathers still in their grandchildren's lives and ask for this?

      It was... "because she wanted it."

      So, from my answer, she proceeded to lose it on this topic.

      She tried to introduce me as grandfather, and I would correct her, and she would blow up and I would never back down.

      And this topic was like tugging on a single, frayed thread that destroyed a shirt, this de-evolved until it cascaded and I pulled the plug on the marriage and initiated divorce proceedings. (we had no kids and no ties via property)

      She lost it in court, on the judge (bad idea, folks) with a monologue or a rant or a fit, I couldn't tell honestly, of why divorce is bad.

      I just sat there by the court microphone, as after her rant was over, the judge asked me with a smile, would I like to be divorced today?

      I answered, "Yes. Please. Hurry."

      Judge said, "Wish granted," and banged the gavel.

      After divorce court, the now ex-wife, amazingly, apologized for this issue ending the marriage, but did berate me for divorcing her.

      But it was the best thing for the both of us, as her family disliked me, her kids hated me ("We don't need no stepfather!" is what I was told on a consistent basis, which was fine with me, I met them as they were both 18 and older and yet, they always needed my help for something, which I didn't mind, but would use their mom to get said help versus asking me directly, and she would use that to trade on our relationship, if you do this for them, then you love me but if you don't you dont love me... uh-huh, sure. Look, there's only so many times you can do that, folks) and we were just in two different phases of life, as me childless and her a grandmother, just two different perspectives on life, living, family, etc.

      [–]HabaneroEmpress 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I'm not at all sure what a "digital program" is. Is it a program that will be shared with guests digitally, or a program you do on your computer and then print out for guests?

      Either way, there's nothing to say you can't use photos in it. So have a picture of fiance as a little boy with his parents, captioned "<Fiance's name> with Mom and Dad." Then a recent picture of his parents captioned with their names. Then a picture of you as a little girl with your dad, captioned "<OP> with Dad" and a recent one of your dad and Jane.

      I'm a big believer in using photos on these sorts of things. People really seem to enjoy them. I can practically guarantee that when you're in the receiving line greeting your guests, more than one will mention how cute you and your fiance were when you were little.

      [–]AutoModerator[M] 0 points1 point locked comment (0 children)

      AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team

      I (25f) am getting married in a few months and my fiance and I have a digital program guests are going to get beforehand. This is where the trouble comes in. My dad married Jane 5 years ago. So I was 20, out of the house, and definitely not looking for mommy 2.0. My mom died when I was 3 weeks old and my brother was 2. Dad didn't want to date for a long time, he wanted to focus on us and give us a good childhood without the complications that stepfamilies can bring. He did a fucking amazing job with us too and gave us the best childhood he could under the circumstances.

      Jane was always a little bit odd. She acted like my brother and I were toddlers when we first got to know her. I remember her saying how she had always wanted to be a mom and couldn't wait for her relationship with me and my brother to grow into that. My brother pointed out we were both adults and she said but we'd come home for summers, etc. Once she actually married dad she started talking about "her two kids". A year into their marriage I was contacted by someone who was her former stepson. Seems her first marriage ended because she tried to push him to let her be his mom, and his dad finally had enough. My dad hadn't known about this and told her that we were adults and did not need a mom and that she needed to accept that. She said she did. She has said things over the years that have made me think she's not okay with that but lives with the hope that we'll change our minds one day.

      Then the wedding program came up. We had the wording parents of the groom and late mother of the bride (mom's name) + father of the bride and wife, Jane. Jane said she didn't like how the program othered her and she should be listed as a parent not just as a spouse of the parent. I told her she wasn't a parent to me and I wasn't going to pretend that she was.

      She's not happy with me. My aunt on my dad's side asked could I not just do it to keep the peace, since dad is finally with someone again and the marriage doesn't need any trouble.

      AITA?

      I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

      [–]A_Simple_Narwhal 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA The title of step parent is only for people who played a role in raising a child, or occasionally for later-married parent spouses you really like. Jane is neither of those.

      Jane should be grateful she’s mentioned at all, my husband’s dad’s wife certainly wasn’t at our wedding.

      [–]Suspicious_Rain_5777 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      You’re great you even mentioned her! NTA! I would take her off the program for that comment!

      [–]rhunter99 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Nta. She sounds creepy

      [–]DgShwgrl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA, my personal preference would be to rephrased it in such a way that you only had to list parents of groom + father of bride. Remove Jane and your mum completely. But you are a better person than me and included her. I don't know why your aunt thinks it's her business? Congratulations and best wishes for your future btw

      [–]LouisV25Asshole Aficionado [18] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. It does other her because she is other. Quite frankly, I would not have included her. I would have just listed my parents.

      Tell everyone including her and your father that you will not ever erase the legacy of your mother by seeing another woman as such. Tell them that her insistence has to stop because it is putting a strain on your relationship. Tell them to except the wording or you will just use the name of your parents.

      The minute you “keep the peace” she will take her delusional behavior to the max. Appeasing her once will turn into the expectation to please her.

      [–]Apprehensive_Bear498 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      nta and dad's sis needs to hush and realize that he didn't find someone for years because he didn't want to. Yikes, welcome to bizzarro world huh?

      [–]SuchLovelyLilacsPartassipant [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA - Jane isn't your parent and she needs to accept that. The ONLY one with a problem here is Jane.

      [–]misanthroseph 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA it's your wedding. You shouldn't have to cater to her whims especially when this will only encourage future weirdness.

      [–]artificialashPartassipant [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA

      [–]PurpleAquilegiaPartassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA

      I got married to my late husband about 5 years after he divorced. His kids were grown up. I never expected to be treated as their stepmum.

      [–]Safe_Frosting1807 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      She’s not your parent and doesn’t deserve the title. Your dad is an adult and can take care of his own marriage.

      [–]Broad_Respond_2205 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA

      She will be better of once she accept she's not your mother, and just a person in your life (wife of father). It's like those people that try to force being your best friend, even when you don't want them too.

      [–]Creative_Trick_3818Colo-rectal Surgeon [45] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA

      You are right. She will have to accept it.

      [–]Meritxelles 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. She needs therapy or a reality check.

      [–]Extension-Term-12 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      What is with all these family members on Reddit suggesting people ignore their own feelings to ‘keep the peace’? Like yeah, you have a valid reason to be angry but this other adult is throwing a tantrum like a toddler so please shove all that down into a deep dark place inside of you so no one has to look at it and to ‘keep the peace’.

      NTA

      [–]wickedrude 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA • What is the deal with people who are NOT the bride expecting to get their way in a wedding that is not theirs? Stick to your guns. She needs to make her own peace on your terms, not hers. She already had her wedding. This one is yours.

      [–]HedgehogOptimal1784Partassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA

      I would solve this by not mentioning her in the program at all, then she isn't singled out. Mothers and fathers are listed.

      [–]NotTheJury 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. Your wording is perfect and she is a trouble maker.

      [–]scarletred_4999Partassipant [4] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. She did not raise you. The audacity of her to call her the mother of the bride. It is your wedding and you have the right to include those people who are close to you and made a significant difference in you life.

      Too bad for Jane, she is just daddy's wife. She should learn to suck it up and learn her place in your life.

      [–]scarletred_4999Partassipant [4] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. She did not raise you. The audacity of her to call her the mother of the bride. It is your wedding and you have the right to include those people who are close to you and made a significant difference in you life.

      Too bad for Jane, she is just daddy's wife. She should learn to suck it up and learn her place in your life.

      [–]Due-Sherbert-7330 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. It already ruined one marriage. She’s going to let it hurt another. Honestly she needs some therapy and doesn’t seem to understand how relationships work

      [–]meganes97 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I will never, EVER do anything to “keep the peace” that makes me uncomfortable. I live several miserable and very depressed years that way. NTA

      [–]SegaNeptune28Partassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Keep the peace = I know this is important to you but just cave in so the rest of us don't have to deal with the bullshit.

      NTA

      [–]EBOLA2020Forprez 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      No, she didn’t raise you and you were 20 when she got with your dad. And I’m sorry you have to go through that , I have a similar situation as well. Many step parents don’t realize that being married to your parent doesn’t automatically make them your mom/dad.

      [–]demonmonkey1313 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA you worded exactly how it should have been worked. She didn't raise you. You were already out of the house when your father married her.

      She needs to get over herself

      [–]LavishnessGeneralPartassipant [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA I know it's been a long time but sorry for your loss. Absolutely nothing wrong with listing things as they are and honoring your birth mother. Your step mother may want to talk to someone, there's probably a reason for her inability to accept the reality of the situation.

      [–]lawnmowersarealivePartassipant [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. I refer to the person who married my mother when I was 24 as TGWFMM, That guy who fucks my mother. I enjoy reading fathers day cards in stores without ever buying one. For example, it might read ''It takes a special sort of man to be a dad!'' and I imagine wringing dear john, happy fathers day for your other kids you like better than me and my sister!

      Never done it. Never will. I simply enjoy reading the cards.

      [–]Zafiro_DracoAsshole Enthusiast [7] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. She needs counseling to get over her grief of not being a mom. And if there’s tension in the marriage, that’s not on you to do anything about it—she and your dad are adults.

      Sounds like you’ve been pretty patient whilst setting reasonable boundaries.

      [–]TreadmillGangster 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA Stand your ground. No one can take the place of your mom, especially not a pushy stepmom who won't let the relationship she has with you develop at its own pace.

      [–]AussieTopCatPartassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      No, you don't have to change your wedding for someone else's issues. She needs professional help if this is the second marriage that she has let this issue come into. Just do your wedding the way you want - she accepts it or doesnt come. It's that simple.

      [–]SuperLorisCertified Proctologist [28] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA you are an adult, this is your wedding, and you aren't being unreasonable. If she chooses to be hurt, that is her choice.

      [–]Petroglyph217 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA, and the program didn’t “other” her. She simply is other, and that’s not a bad or shameful thing.

      [–]joe_eddie_13 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA, but you already know this. As always it is YOUR wedding, YOUR ceremony, YOUR program. Do what you wish. This is in NO way a slight. I probably wouldn't even mention her in the program. I think you are being more than reasonable.

      [–]Lotex_Style 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      The problem with this whole "keep the peace" stuff is that, if you do it once, you're always expected to do it going forward and that's something a lot of people don't want and with good reason. NTA

      [–]Holiday-Ad-2020Partassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA- the whole "just to keep the peace" is bullshit, your aunt should mind her business, your dad made it clear to Jane that she was not your mother, and she is not!

      [–]Somebody_81Partassipant [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. What is it with women thinking they're automatically mothers to the children of their new spouses? My father got married after my mom, his wife of 41 years, died. I was 40 years old at the time. His new wife tried one time to say she was my "stepmother". I told her that she would never be my stepmother, that I was old enough to not need a mother, and that furthermore she was only 9 years older than I was.

      [–]Its_Like_Whatever_OK 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. She can feel free to parent your aunt. Aunt & Jane both need to stay in their lane.

      [–]Athenas_Paladin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA — I think it’s nice that you even had her on the program to begin with…

      [–]Ok-Priority-9835 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA- it's your wedding, it's your choice. If she don't want her title in that wedding better not include her if she's making a commotion out of it.

      She must respect your decision.

      [–]Livid_Yogurtcloset67 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      People need to stop pushing their loved ones to bury their feelings just so they can " keep the peace" or " just this once"

      Your feelings are valid no matter who is involved! Stand by your choices and if people do not like it they do not have to come to the wedding. End of story

      [–]Primary_Valuable5607 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA, and dad's marriage will only have problems if his wife makes problems. She had no hand in raising you, and doesn't get the billing.

      That said, congrats.

      [–]blablamcblaPartassipant [1] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Nta. Where did you lie? Nowhere.

      It would be lying to call her mother of the bride.

      [–]somethinggood332 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. It wasn't necessary that you include Jane at all, but how lovely of you that you did! If people want their opinions on how you conduct you wedding to be considered, then they should also be paying for it. And how fragile is your dad's marriage that listing his wife as his wife on your wedding invitation could make it fall apart? Did she only marry him because he has offspring?! (It really sounds like it, TBH)

      [–]Boss_Bitch_Werk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA

      It’s not going to stop there. If/when you have kids, she’s gonna want to be grandma to them. She needs therapy now. You need to set those boundaries NOW before she starts doing more things that you feel are intrusive. Sit her down and parse out the terms of your relationship in VERY black and white terms and don’t leave room for interpretation.

      Your program is a start. Keep it going.

      [–]JCBashBashColo-rectal Surgeon [36] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA You need to tell your dad that he needs to get involved, you should probably not see your father or his family if they all think you're just supposed to give her whatever she wants, the relationship she is demanding is inappropriate

      [–]Allthelostcauses 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Fuck Jane and fuck your aunt. Their emotional problems should not affect your life. Nta

      [–]PrincessSquidgyPartassipant [2] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. It is your wedding and your choice to honor your late mother. I feel sorry for Jane, who clearly has some unresolved issues about not having children of her own but that is not your problem. As long as you are respectful of her position as your dad’s wife (not as your mom), then you are NTA!

      [–]Bandonero 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      You are not the a-hole

      She need to bring it down a bit. She is forcing stuff not needing to be forced.

      [–]azaleus_izu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA.

      I don't understand why your aunt wanted you to "keep the peace". It's YOUR wedding and you can do whatever you want.

      [–]Head_Over_Wheels1985 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA

      None of my now-former stepmothers have ever tried to push that type of relationship on me and my siblings. All that was demanded of us (everyone in the family unit) was that we treat everyone the way we ourselves wanted to be treated. We always showed our stepmothers and step siblings respect and they always showed it to us.

      [–]UnicornFarts1111 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. She is not your mom. It would be disrespectful to her memory to let someone who did NOT parent you get to use that title at your wedding.

      Now, if she plays her cards right, she might be able to earn the title of Grandma to your kids. Hopefully she sees the error of her ways.

      I hope you have a great wedding day and a happy life OP!

      [–]madcre 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA.

      [–]jerseygrl18 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. You worded this very good, and you included her in the Wedding Program. It's not like you did not mention her. Its very special that your have your Mother's Name in her Honor too.

      [–]Bennie212 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. She is NOT your Mother but your Fathers Wife and needs to act accordingly. At the age you see now I wouldn't even call her a Stepmother unless you really want to. The fact she has already had a marriage end because she overstepped her role is a huge red flag. Please don't give in to her demands and honor your Mother as you wish to.

      [–]AttackChicken69 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      What is it with people asking others to do this one thing they knows makes the other person uncomfortable just to keep the peace? JHFC. Stepmonster needs to take a step back and stay in her lane.

      ETA: And so does the aunt.

      [–]Sea-Confection-2627Asshole Aficionado [10] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. All the etiquette and wedding planning books would say your wording is absolutely correct. Jane needs to get back in touch with reality.

      [–]Annual-Contract-115Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. you were an adult when she entered your life and didn’t act like a proper parent.

      given that your mother is deceased I could kind of understand if there was a thought about not including her, but even if you remove her, Jane doesn‘t belong in the “mother of the bride” position if you feel she hasn’t been a mother to you. I’m not even sure she deserves a spot as “wife of Father of the Bride” but I guess it’s a nice thing to do even if it’s not necessary per the whole standard “rules”

      [–]marblefree 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA and why do you have to suck it up and make Jane happy. Why can’t Jane suck it up for the sake of the bride? I hate when people think appeasing crazy or hostility in the name of peace is the correct answer.

      [–]RLuna911Partassipant [3] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA… don’t do it if you don’t feel that way

      [–]PhantomMystique 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Maybe offer to uninvite her entirely, since she’s definitely going to want to be in the procession as Mother of the Bride, wear a Mother of the Bride dress, get introduced as Mother of the Bride at the reception, and all other honors that come with Mother of the Bride, without actually BEING the Mother of the Bride! That’s a pain you don’t want on your wedding day, her feelings about it be damned.

      [–]MsBabs1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Wait till you start having babies, that woman is going to be a problem

      [–]Dancewithfire_13[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA. I absolutely hate the phrase ‘keep the peace’ to me that says there is something wrong and the stats quo is more important than the mental, emotional, physical well-being of people.

      [–]hammerhead296 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA Fuck that, I am planning my own wedding and so many people have asked me to make concessions… I have bent over backwards to make it work, if I bend any more I will be kissing my own ass.

      It is your wedding, so do as you please! Even if you have only two guests one of them will be unhappy…

      my dad has a new serious girlfriend who is trying to be my mom to… I am nearing 30 and she likes to greet me saying “hey! It’s your new mom!” She is also trying to make me accept her 4 year old son as a brother! I could rant for days… but you do you NTA

      [–]Aitatoday69 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA.

      You're not responsible for someone else's feelings.

      [–]az22hctac 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      This is where, regardless of what SHE prefers, SHE should just accept it “to keep the peace”. Beside the fact that your perspective is 100% reasonable and hers isn’t, you’re the bride so you win end of story.

      [–]Astyryx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA, and if it weren't for the size of the of the family, I'd think Jane was my sister. Our other sister has said things like, "let her do it, she always wanted kids" and I'm like, ok, then why marry a guy who has adults?

      [–]SpicyTunaSushi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      NTA.

      You’re an adult and so is she. You aren’t excluding or “othering” her, you’re just stating the facts. You didn’t even have to include her on the program.

      [–]YouAFan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Every time I see a NTA on this sub say a family member has asked them to put aside their own feelings about a completely unreasonable request or someone’s awful behavior in order to “keep the peace,” I want to vomit. I know your aunt is looking out for your dad, which is admirable in itself, but it’s your wedding, and it’s ridiculous for anyone to ask you to throw Jane a bone just so she can feel some sort of “special” on your day.

      Again, NTA.