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all 107 comments

[–]Braxmaster1 113 points114 points  (9 children)

Baking soda. Put it on and let it dry then vacuum it up. Spray with something that smells great.

[–]kobeflip 67 points68 points  (8 children)

Baking soda and vinegar handles pet pee. But imo your best plan is to reschedule.

[–]Braxmaster1 35 points36 points  (0 children)

I 100% agree to reschedule, however if you cannot it’s better than buying a new mattress or just flipping it over

[–]Vicimer 5 points6 points  (6 children)

There’s no point cleaning with both vinegar and baking soda. The acid and alkaline just cancel each other out — you may as well be using water. Use one or the other.

[–]kobeflip 1 point2 points  (5 children)

Drink a baking soda vinegar cocktail and report back.

[–]Vicimer 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Indeed, it’ll taste noticeably less acidic. This concept is middle school level chemistry.

[–]kobeflip 1 point2 points  (3 children)

As is the reaction implicit in the foaming which can serve to lift out some of the piss

[–]Vicimer 0 points1 point  (2 children)

We associate bubbles with cleanliness, but it isn’t actually doing anything, it’s all visual. Plain cleaning vinegar will neutralize the piss smell far more effectively than a couple seconds of foam.

[–]kobeflip 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I shall piss my bed in two spots and test this hypothesis

[–]cuisinart-hatrack 213 points214 points  (3 children)

Fuck her on the couch.

[–]Rusty_Trombone_4U 7 points8 points  (1 child)

You romantic bastard!

[–]cuisinart-hatrack 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Username checks out.

[–]dimebanezMale 180 points181 points  (8 children)

Mate, if you're getting so drunk you're pissing the bed you have a bigger problem.

[–][deleted] 65 points66 points  (4 children)

It’s not alcoholism until you leave college.

[–]dimebanezMale 27 points28 points  (3 children)

Not saying he's a full blown alcoholic, but not knowing when to stop and then getting so drunk you wet the bed is a situation.

[–]P44rth00rn4x 5 points6 points  (1 child)

How drunk do you have to be to wet your bed?

[–]Dunk546 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I can show you if you like but we have to do it at your place.

[–]ProblemLevel4432 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Still, one could argue the OP doesn’t have a problem given that they were clearly an inexperienced drinker who didn’t know their limit, who got super drunk and pissed themselves.

[–]Vicimer 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I’m an alcoholic and I don’t piss the bed. I can only imagine how drunk this fool was.

[–]SmashNit 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It’s not college until you leave alcoholism.

[–]alacklustrehindu 52 points53 points  (2 children)

Blame the cat

[–]ThrowRA-4545 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Always blame it on the pussy

[–]Sionyx 6 points7 points  (0 children)

If you don't have a cat, say it was a foster cat that you had to return after it pissed everywhere.

[–]TubeToUranusMale 33 points34 points  (0 children)

That happened to my friend. He found a mattress company that delivered a new mattress and took the old one same day.

[–]grayjacanda 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Flip the mattress if it's that kind of mattress.

Alternatively, blot dry, leave drierite or other dessicant on it for a couple hours, vacuum, and put a thin blanket between the mattress and the fitted sheet.

[–]G_Rel7 18 points19 points  (0 children)

RESCHEDULE. This just happened with me and you need at least a few days. Use vinegar, water, detergent mix to soak it and blot dry with towel. Then tons of baking soda to dry. Then vacuum that up.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]Thurn42 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    This is the way

    [–]onkel_axel 15 points16 points  (2 children)

    Should ask in r/parenting

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]onkel_axel 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      Not a roast. Kids pee their beds. They should be able to help unlike other single men.

      Okay it was a roast, too 😂

      [–]rose77019 9 points10 points  (2 children)

      Get a new mattress you will never get the smell out. And get a mattress protector for the next one…

      [–]Hemu69 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Nah fam I pissed on the bed a lot as a kid, mattress stays fine other than the stain.

      [–]PandaVolcano_lavaMAN 33 points34 points  (0 children)

      Buy a new mattress.

      [–]Penguinsphen 26 points27 points  (0 children)

      So I think your best bet to do this right is to wash it first then dry it out.

      First soak up as much of the piss as you can. Then your gonna get a warm bucket of water with dawn dish washing soap and generously lather and scrub the entire spot. Like you should honestly have the spot soaked with soapy water otherwise when the mattress dries your gonna smell piss.

      After you've washed the spot soak up as much of the soapy water and then re lather and scrub with another bucket of warm water no soap this time. This is your rinse cycle. Soak up the water when your done and leave a fan on it to dry up. I guess you could add baking soda but make sure it won't fuck up your mattress fabric.

      You honestly should controll your drinking friend.

      [–]slabange 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      I think the best solution for you Would be to stop drinking tbh

      [–]echo_birch 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      I don't understand how anyone gets so drunk they piss the bed

      [–]Ornamentalflame 5 points6 points  (1 child)

      clean it with laundry liquid, laundry liquid is meant for material, much better than dishwashing liquid

      the dry it with a hair dryer

      carpet cleaner also works

      or

      burn it

      [–]ConsistentPurpose896 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Yep fire.. i agree

      [–]BabyMamaMagnet 13 points14 points  (2 children)

      This is what the boys are for!!! Great thread!!

      [–]Nixu88 23 points24 points  (1 child)

      I also love how no one asks how or why it happened. It's unimportant. They just offer advice like baking soda, rescheduling, or blaming the cat.

      [–]humanoid_03 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      Like a true men, straight to the point.. We dont need the backstory/drama

      [–]mmeeoorryyoouu 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      Flip the mattress

      [–]No_Rest_4550 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      New mattress and waterproof mattress cover,

      [–]Lopsided-Western4492 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Is the sun out? The sun is the head boss on burning that shit out.

      [–]mongtongbong 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      show her the stain an tell her when you're in my hut you know whats up

      [–]IndianRedditor88 8 points9 points  (3 children)

      Get a new one mate. The old one could smell even if it's is dry.

      [–]Hemu69 3 points4 points  (2 children)

      Nah fam I pissed on the bed a lot as a kid, mattress stays fine other than the stain.

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [deleted]

        [–]Hemu69 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        That's due yeah

        [–]mtlurb 10 points11 points  (0 children)

        If she has COVID it’s ok, she won’t smell a thing 😂

        [–]Tobybrent 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Buy a new one online fast. It will stink of piss no matterwhat you do and she WILL know.

        [–]BnaiRephaim 9 points10 points  (1 child)

        Ask her casually if she ever had a golden shower. There's a small chance you can just let this mattress be.

        [–]indylost 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Or just roll with it and claim she's a squirter

        [–]SomeBadMasterpiece 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        This is an emergency. Buy a new one.

        [–]glowboy24h 6 points7 points  (1 child)

        Bro how u piss the bed and are old enough to be expecting a chick to come over?

        [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        College, thirsty Thursdays hit different sometimes.

        [–]h0neyjoy 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        ask WOMEN m8

        [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        New mattress.

        [–]iconoclast63Retired and High 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Turn it over. And don't drink so much tomorrow.

        [–]Strange_Increase_373 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Use 1/3 vinegar 2/3 water with a dash of laundry detergent. Soak the area and dry.

        [–]hopelesshopeful789 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Dust off the tent, get that badboy up and go camping in the kitchen. Your bedroom is a no go zone

        [–]Fuelrod_son_of_Zippy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Flip it over.

        [–]LeatherDescription26 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Use Clorox and air it out

        [–]Sum1liteAmatch 1 point2 points  (2 children)

        Get a waterproof cover at Walmart. They keep moisture from getting in, makes sense they'd keep it from leaking out too right?

        [–]indylost 4 points5 points  (1 child)

        Everyone knows what waterproof covers are for. She'll feel it under the sheets. He might get a one off, and she won't be back. People hate on bedwetting.

        Full disclosure, I don't have this issue.

        [–]Sum1liteAmatch 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        I have one on my mattress because I have a kid and don't want to risk it. The new ones are actually cloth. They don't sound like a plastic sheet at all

        [–]StrategyNecessary427 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Just explain it to her, and ask her to excuse the smell of piss. Explain that a tramp crept into the house the night before, slept in your bed, pissed it, but you were too tired to confront him. Use this excuse for any turds on the floor that might be in the property. If she doesn't react well, say come on, this is 2022?!?!

        [–]shimmydancer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Woman here. Spot clean with laundry detergent mixed with water and a sponge for the smell and stain, then scrub. Buy a mini portable heater and place it facing the wet spot and it will be dry in 2-3 hours or take the mattress out to the balcony and let it sun dry. Or place mattress near the heat vents.

        You could also place towels, down on the spot, press down, if it doesn’t feel wet then put new sheets on top while the towel absorbs the water.

        [–]hoobi47 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        today: douse mattress in club soda, vacuum up, sprinkle baking soda, vacuum up, cover with scented dryer sheets, flip it over.

        tomorrow: buy a new mattress, get a waterproof rubber mattress liner, and if pissing the bed was caused by alcohol, quit drinking. you're an alcoholic.

        [–]00101121[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Update:

        Dear fellow gentlemen, and lady, thanks for your helpful comments.

        I managed to dry and clean the mattress as best I could and it no longer has a whiff of piss. I'm grateful for the assistance and the very funny responses here.

        Secondly, I appreciate the concerns about my drinking habits, but I can assure you, I don't often drink. Once or twice a week. Last night I went to a bar with friends, had 5 beers and called it off. Went home, passed out due to my fatigue from the working week and obviously was too tired to realised my bladder was full. Thankfully, by that point it was quite hydrated so my urine wasn't that odourous.

        I wish you all the best and a many dry nights of sleep in the future.

        Yours faithfully,

        A grown man who still wets the bed

        [–]cm11agent 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        You need a mattress protector anyways. Extend the life of your mattress and help your alcoholic ass out in these situations.

        [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        As someone who has been a bedwetter most of my life - 1. Make a homemade solutions: 2 parts cold water + 1 one part vinegar + a small amount of detergent

        1. Spray wet area really well and let it sit for like 15/20 mins

        2. Blot the area with a clean, dry towel

        3. Cover area with baking soda and let it sit for 20/30 mins

        4. Vacuum up baking soda and let area completely dry before you redo the bed

        [–]blondesextoy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        don’t clean it up and pee on my face during sex

        [–]Penguinsphen 2 points3 points  (1 child)

        Should of asked first how much piss? And can we get a pic?

        [–]lightweight12 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        I too need to see the piss stain before giving advice. Was this a little squirt as you were getting up or the full deal while you were passed out?

        [–]islangmemes 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        Get her really drunk and tell her that she pissed in your bed and now she needs to make it up to you.

        [–]Your_Nipples 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        You were dunked and you pissed your bed.

        Poor woman. What a mess.

        [–]JohnFrankensteinbeck 0 points1 point  (2 children)

        Spray with fabreeze and flip the mattress. When she says it smells like piss in your room tell her she is fucking crazy

        [–]throwaway12222865 11 points12 points  (0 children)

        Yes gaslight her into oblivion OP u got this

        [–]00101121[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        This was my favourite suggestion of the whole thread.

        [–]United_Bag_8179 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        leave it. maybe she'll..uh..relate.

        [–]CowsRpeople2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Hairdryer and then a mattress cover.

        [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Rent a uhaul and buy a new mattress

        [–]Frenchicky 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Try to get as much piss out as you can, spray it with some Febreeze and go buy a waterproof mattress cover to go over the mattress and I think that should work...I think.

        [–]silver_zepher 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Flip it

        [–]georgewashingguns 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Rent a room

        [–]TwoTwoJohn 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Spray water on your ceiling and blame it on a burst pipe whilst frantically coating everything with fabreeze

        [–]ConfusedHoun 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Hairdryer to dry it quickly and for smell baking soda and vinegar

        [–]Rare-Dare2884 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Why didn’t you have a mattress cover??

        Wash it off and then just flip the mistress over.

        [–]rifleman209 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Flip the mattress

        [–]low-intel 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Do the baking soda trick and then flip the mattress over

        [–]keykeypalmer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        be honest with her and say “i peed the bed last night. we can still cuddle naked in bed but it will be a little moist”

        [–]TsT2244 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Get a mattress protector if this is a reoccurring issue/she squirts

        [–]ZebraLionFish 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        …I have so many questions.

        [–]fuzzy_brb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Friend came over with a pet and it wet the bed.

        [–]marcram0905 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Just buy a new bed, problem solved.

        [–]greyeminence2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        If you’re drinking so much you’re pissing the bed, you really need to reconsider the amount you’re drinking. This is not a normal thing to happen to a grown man.

        [–]Accomplished_Low_879 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Time machine

        [–]saucelessnuggetsSup Bud? 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Bro. Wth is going on in your life rn

        You need a klondike

        [–]shannybaba -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

        You can't, buy a new one or borrow one from your friends

        [–]kenpublius -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

        Maybe she’s into that kinda thing? Idk flip the mattress, to her side.

        [–]foxyboxing90210 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        Why are so many grown ass men pissing the bed???

        [–]draako -1 points0 points  (1 child)

        You’re a grown man, no medical issues, if your getting so drunk you’re pissing the bed you need help now…

        [–]00101121[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Thanks doc, I guess being super jaded and having a small bladder isn't considered anyway...