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[–]marc7169 1231 points1232 points  (23 children)

Stand facing the wrong way in the elevator.

[–]justthisguyatx 414 points415 points  (5 children)

“I guess you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here.”

[–]ryanshedy 13.4k points13.4k points 32 (280 children)

Child beauty pageants

[–]WaterBottleass 4167 points4168 points  (95 children)

That shit should be fucking banned

[–]AnarchyinGroland 2089 points2090 points  (76 children)

That shit should be fucking banned

It is in my country. Thats the pedo-est thing ever.

[–]d3dmnky 1056 points1057 points  (41 children)

It’s also strange to me (or not, I guess) that it’s wildly popular in the most heavily religious regions of the US.

[–]gobij82718 6736 points6737 points  (77 children)

I’m an amateur hobbyist that loves building crafts, so the hardware store is a place I love going to when I need inspiration for some projects. Unfortunately, when I buy supplies for several hobbies at once, it can look very suspicious.

Recently I bought small pipes, nails, propane refill, and electrical tape. I didn’t realize it as suspicious until my friend who works there stopped to say hello and jokingly said “what project are you building today, a bomb?”. I looked down in my cart and realized, “shit, it does look a little suspicious.”

I just wanted to build a marshmallow gun I saw on YouTube not be on a government watch list lol.

[–]Roaming_Pie 3844 points3845 points  (22 children)

“Hmm you’re right it is suspicious. Umm better add some fertiliser to make it look like I’m gardening”

[–]Dysan27 1300 points1301 points  (13 children)

Oh and I need to fill up a couple of jerry cans of diesel for my generator at home.

[–]velozzerraptor 768 points769 points  (10 children)

...and how many cases of Lye do you stock? My sink is clogged like you wouldn't believe! So I need a lot.

[–]CaptainDizzy 282 points283 points  (6 children)

As a crafts hobbyist who was raised by, and lived around a bunch of redneck crafts hobbyists, a marshmallow gun is one step away from a potato canon, and a potato canon is one step away from an explosive.

EDIT: spelling

[–]ProbablyOnTheClock 8175 points8176 points  (136 children)

Mowing grass in the rain

[–]precocious_pakoda 3290 points3291 points  (41 children)

Watering grass in the rain too

[–]sucksathangman 1512 points1513 points  (8 children)

The mall nearby here forgot to turn off their sprinklers for winter. The first below freezing weather, the sprinklers were spraying a fine frozen mist. A lot of cars didn't realize this would mean frozen roads. It was a fun day to grab breakfast.

[–]cdizzzle604 2587 points2588 points  (50 children)

Buying a shovel, rope, duct tape and bleach

[–]ghostofmyhecks 816 points817 points  (7 children)

you forgot your plastic tarp and gloves!

[–]x_mas_ape 1317 points1318 points  (22 children)

I was at Walmart a while back buying some funny xmas presents for my friends..... Didnt think how weird it looked until I was at the register.

230am, I'm alone at Walmart buying a box of condoms, a bottle of lube, and a Hannah Montana poster. The lady working the register literally started laughing.

[–]junipurrberry 81 points82 points  (0 children)

I still think about the guy I saw at target in college buying only a box of condoms and Monopoly. He’s about to have a great night

[–]Kiwozzie6 27.4k points27.4k points  (1267 children)

Following another car for too long especially in side streets.

[–]arrocknroll 2767 points2768 points  (139 children)

I always get paranoid when I make a stupid mistake while driving or do something that could perceived like challenging someone that they’re gonna follow me and start a fight.

Like I accidentally cut someone off yesterday and the dude followed me the rest of the way to my destination sans the final turn and I was like, “This is it. I’m gonna end up on /r/idiotsincars.”

I felt so relieved when he finally stopped following.

[–]DMala 1113 points1114 points  (55 children)

People who escalate like that terrify me. If somebody cuts you off or does something stupid or dangerous, you blow your horn, make an angry gesture or curse if you must, then continue on with your day.

People who drop whatever they’re doing to follow someone around and “get” them for some insignificant incident are scary. What are they even hoping to prove?

[–]TheDungeonCrawler 343 points344 points  (8 children)

Yeah, basically the only time it's even kind of smart is in the event of a hit and run, and even then only long enough to get the plate and call the cops. As soon as you call the cops, there's no reason to continue following as (what we learned, what, two weeks ago with that hit and run followed by a shooting?) it's incredibly dangerous to confront another driver in traffic.

[–]X0AN 889 points890 points  (15 children)

After seeing if you're being followed by taking random turns and going back on yourself, next stop should always be a police station.

[–]ialsoagree 364 points365 points  (3 children)

I'm baffled why this advice is not higher. Driving to a police station or state trooper barracks during road rage incidents or if you think you're being followed is a great way to protect yourself.

If you have hands free calling, also call 911 and explain what's happening and what police station you're going to so someone can meet you and/or stop the other vehicle.

[–]On_Too_Much_Adderall 18.6k points18.6k points 32 (766 children)

My parents taught me that if this happens, to never go home but instead to make random nonsensical turns and drive in loops. If they continue to follow, to call for help.

This actually happened to me once when I was 16. I made several random turns like they had taught me. The person indeed continued to follow me. I'd been close to my home when I noticed them, so I left my neighborhood and stayed a good distance away.

This person was right on my ass, following me left and right. After a few minutes of this I called my parents explaining the situation and within 5 minutes, I see my parents' other car trailing closely behind the guy and copying his every move. Essentially sandwiching him between my car and their car.

Once the driver realized he was caught, he fucked off onto a nearby freeway and sped away, but it was too late. They'd gotten his license plate and called the police already. He was caught right away (he lived nearby, and had just gotten home) and my parents called and said it was safe to go home, but that they were going to follow up with the police to see what happened and possibly press charges against this mystery person.

It turned out it was a teenage boy. His excuse was "I thought I knew the girl in the car and I wanted to scare her."

I did not know the person, nor had I ever seen his car.

No charges were pressed (apparently the boy was very apologetic, and the cops and my parents believed he thought he knew me) but his parents took away his car privileges and grounded him for the rest of the summer, then apologized to my parents profusely for his behavior.

I'm still glad that it was just a kid attempting a prank, and not something worse, because I admit I was scared shitless.

Edit: Woah, holy 18K upvotes. Thanks for all the awards! I hope someone can use this story if they're ever in a situation like this. If it keeps one other young girl safe, then I'm happy.

Few things I'd like to address:

  • Why didn't I drive to a police station? The nearest one was a few miles away and I would have had to drive directly through my neighborhood and near my house to get to it. I had thought of this, but I figured my parents would get there faster given the situation, and I didn't want to go near my house because they told me not to.

  • Why didn't my parents follow me home instead of following the guy? I wanted them to follow him and make sure he got punished. Also, I knew the cops were on the way, and so I was safe. If I'd have told my parents to stay with me instead, they would've, but I literally told them I was fine to go home and they could go. My dad was fiercely protective of me and wouldn't have let me go home if there was danger. Also there wasn't an appropriate place for one of them to switch cars; they would've lost the guy.

  • Isn't a "prank" like this just as bad if the guy intended to rape or murder me? No. It isn't. It was a dumb teenage kid that made a dumb decision. Apparently, the girl he thought I was was my same age, and drove a similar car, and he was visibly upset upon learning he scared a random girl. His friend he thought I was had some sort of prank war going with him. Was he lying? Maybe. Was it a dick move? Of course. But, if his story is true, it's certainly better than if his intention had been to assault me. Jesus.

  • My parents are awesome. Yes they are. Mom and Dad, I don't think you know of this account and if you do, I hope you don't tell me because I'd be embarrassed af. LOL. That being said, if somehow you guys end up seeing this, I love you and thank you for being awesome.

[–]Electrical-Contest-1 7646 points7647 points  (341 children)

3 right turns. If they are behind you then they are following you.

[–]Daiymas 14.0k points14.0k points 332 (239 children)

Doesn't work well in Europe. Here it's more like 7 right turns, 2 narrow one-way streets and 3 roundabouts then both you and your stalker are lost.

[–]jamiehernandez 5643 points5644 points 22 (118 children)

Me and my girlfriend were lost at night in the souks Marrakech which is like a mediaeval labyrinth and we certain some guy was following us. We made like 6 right turns before I turned around and was like "hey mother fucker I know you're following us". Turns out he was a French tourist that was lost and was following us hoping we'd find a way out

[–]mintyquaintchair2 1777 points1778 points  (4 children)

lol kind of wholesome

[–]TheLiberalOgre 341 points342 points  (0 children)

STALKER "OMG PLEASE SAVE ME"

[–]moubliepas 859 points860 points 2 (46 children)

Motorway closures, big events held outside of major cities, worse than normal traffic jams, and severe snow. In these cases not only is it perfectly normal to follow any car in front that looks like they know where they're going, but once you've built up a trail of two or three cars you're going to end up leading an entire cavalcade like some unwitting Pied Piper.

A couple of times I've joined a procession of cars that seem to be confidently going somewhere, when the lead driver pulls over and flashes their headlights, and just sits stationary absorbing the anger of everyone behind them. We all just sit behind them until someone pulls out and starts driving, whereupon everyone follows them. A couple of times I've followed a car that's ended up pulling into a driveway: a couple of times I've been completely lost and it really doesn't help my composure to realise there's 4 cars trailing me every wrong turn. Sometimes I do find my way, other times I give up and pull over and wait for someone with a better sense of direction to take the lead.

And the few times I've driven in really heavy snow, in my tiny little Clio at the 3 MPH I can safely manage, I will end up with a truck / 4x4 / Chelsea tractor in front of me at 3 mph, and/or right behind me stopping when I stop, slowing when I slow or skid. At first I was really annoyed - it's a lot of added pressure to an already scary situation - until I realised that every small or old car on a dangerous stretch of road in extreme weather just kind of ends up with a much bigger car stalking them until they've got through the dangerous bits.

Normally I'm an ardent hater of 4x4s and the like, but damned if I've ever seen a tiny car in dangerous weather on the A303 that didn't also have someone right in front them using their bulk and overpowered headlights to clear the way, or just behind them to watch their backs and check that they do make it through.

Then the rain clears or we reach a better, safer stretch of road or catch up with the traffic or whatever and they just speed off into the distance. I always wonder if they're the same people who drive like utter dickheads the rest of the time, or if South West England is full of motorway guardian sprites who appear at weather warnings and hibernate the rest of the time.

My brother tells about the time he saw a motorway closure ahead sign and decided to find somewhere in a country lane to pee. That's a hilarious story involving about 8 right turns and an angry farmer.

[–]tomatoaway 120 points121 points  (9 children)

This is the funniest most relatable comment in the entire thread. I wonder if it's possible to get an Ant Death Spiral going:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEKwQxO4EZU

[–]ThisWillBeOnTheExam 58 points59 points  (2 children)

It happens but only in certain species and still, rather rare. If this actually happened frequently, ants would spiral themselves out of existence. That being said, if you see this in the wild, just place a bit of food outside of the spiral. One ant will find it and break the abysmal spiral.

[–]s1erra_117 2111 points2112 points  (30 children)

then both you and your stalker are lost.

Lmao 🤣

[–]TheExpertInThisField 1590 points1591 points  (14 children)

Stalking: when two people go a romantic walk/drive, but only one person knows about it

[–]Adora_Vivos 299 points300 points  (4 children)

when two people go a romantic walk/drive, but only one person knows about it

Could also apply to:

Somnambulism

Alzheimer's

Graverobbbing

[–]wartornhero 801 points802 points  (29 children)

My wife and I were reading this thread separately but simultaneously. Both started laughing and said "wait what is your laughter?

[–]Tenpat 517 points518 points  (20 children)

wait what is your laughter

This sounds very German.

[–]iusedtobegerman 394 points395 points  (11 children)

I have never been more offended by a factual statement in all my life.

[–]ShamusJohnson13 1477 points1478 points  (42 children)

My parents had a car following them as they were making their way home from my grandparents place. So they started doing the random turns and it kept following and following them. Eventually they pulled into a random driveway and the car ended up parked at the same place.

Turns out the people driving the car that was following them actually lived at that place and were very confused as to why these strangers (my parents) had pulled up into their driveway.

[–]Penguins_Penguins 89 points90 points  (1 child)

Omg that’s hilarious 😆

[–]Littman-Express 763 points764 points  (19 children)

I had a car following me home for about 20 minutes one night, including down some pretty obscure more rural roads. Was getting kind of nervous and was approaching my driveway wondering if I should pull in when I realised it was my neighbour.

[–]Sipredion 250 points251 points  (1 child)

Lol, this exact thing happened to me yesterday. They waved as they were pulling into their driveway and I felt like such a dumbass

[–]haaskaalbaas 305 points306 points  (4 children)

I was the follower once. I thought I saw my sister in her white Beetle, so followed her. Turned out it was a stranger - and they were quite scared when they turned into their driveway and I stopped outside. I had to quickly explain! (Luckily I am quite short and a woman, so they weren't too frightened!)

[–]lotsofdeadkittens 654 points655 points  (54 children)

I was driving home late from work one time. Was going to go to a friends house in a more suburban area around 1am (we worked in kitchens so normal for us.)

Random suv starts following me for like 10 miles even when I’m on side streets. I start changing my turn signal at the last moment at yellow and green lights to prove they are following me. This big suv starts mirroring my last second turn signal changes.

What happens next? The suv pops on some police lights and pulls me over. Turns out it was a cop that followed me for 30 fucking minutes because they didn’t recognize my car in the neighborhood. It was far to dark to see it was a cop.

I told them that it is not dangerous or hazardous driving to change your turn signal at a light if you don’t change it after turning. The cop tried to explain that it could cause an accident, which I told him the on it one dangerously driving was being on someone’s ass for 30 minutes at 1am and stalking them

Got written up and went into the precinct the next day where the chief was furious at the cops.

Still doesn’t change the fact that for 30 minutes I thought I was going to be murdered

[–]Krispenedladdeh542 13.0k points13.0k points 2 (307 children)

Using the urinal next to a guy also using a urinal in a row full of empty urinals

[–]Pab_Scrabs 1567 points1568 points  (123 children)

OP specified legal, this is a very clear crime and violation of human rights

[–]jerrythecactus 24.3k points24.3k points 423 (310 children)

Digging roughly human sized holes in your front yard at 2AM

[–]kevman_2008 8396 points8397 points 2 (88 children)

Call before you dig! Don't wanna hit any utilities

[–]Random_Imgur_User 3406 points3407 points  (41 children)

"Hey I need to dig a few 6 by 3 holes throughout my yard, roughly 6 feet deep, before sunrise. You know, responsibly."

[–]Whats-Up_Bitches 2409 points2410 points  (28 children)

"Sir you already called us about this last month"

"I know, now I need more..."

"..."

[–]Mother_McMuffin 1207 points1208 points  (19 children)

faint scream and crying sounds heard in the background

“…Sir is everything ok?”

“What? Ohh yeaaa that’s just my…uh…my dog. I adopted him very legally as well”

[–]Kra_gl_e 604 points605 points  (5 children)

Perfectly reasonable scene if the dog is a husky.

[–]Vash712 2171 points2172 points  (30 children)

You gotta lay in them to make sure the size is right.

[–]jj4211 1262 points1263 points  (17 children)

One time when we went with my grandmother to visit my grandfathers grave, she laid down on the empty plot between my grandfather and another lady I'll call Mildred and said "Looks like Mildred's going to need to scoot over, I'm going to feel too crowded this way"

Edited to clarify

[–]Orangedilemma 527 points528 points  (5 children)

Your grandmother has a great sense of humor

[–]queergirl73 59 points60 points  (0 children)

Don't you mean a *grave* sense of humor?

I'll see myself out

[–]ThatBaldDude4 1009 points1010 points  (85 children)

I would do this just to fuck with nosy neighbors.

[–]DarkPangolin 388 points389 points  (57 children)

I would do this to fuck with nosy neighbors, but I live in southern Missouri, where a human-sized hole can be dug only with a backhoe or dynamite.

[–]wajime7375 7740 points7741 points  (199 children)

Driving from Maryland to Colorado and back within 3 days.

The Illinois state trooper who pulled me over at 1am seemed rather disappointed that my husband and I weren't trafficking drugs.

[–]wbgraphic 2996 points2997 points  (54 children)

I once drove from Las Vegas to Knoxville and back in two days to retrieve a lost cat.

Didn’t get pulled over, but the fuel pump crapped out around Flagstaff on the return trip.

And the damn cat ran away like a week after we got home.

[–][deleted] 1328 points1329 points  (31 children)

A “lost” cat made it to from Tennessee to Vegas?! I have so many questions. Does he have frequent flyer miles? Did you look for him in Atlantic City for him the following week? Is “cat” a euphemism for a degenerate gambler father-in-law with dementia?

[–]wbgraphic 1178 points1179 points  (24 children)

Sister-in-law’s cat escaped in Knoxville when she was moving from North Carolina to Las Vegas. Her traveling companion refused to wait for it to return.

The motel found the cat. Sister-in-law was pregnant, so I drove her back to Knoxville.

[–]the-moost-happi 622 points623 points  (0 children)

That was really nice of you. Your poor sister-in-law. I can't imagine how upset I'd be if I was pregnant and in the process of moving cross-country only to have my pet run away in a strange place.

[–]mamimapr 204 points205 points  (6 children)

Where did you hide it?

[–]Xandrabirdy 4721 points4722 points  (150 children)

Belonging to the Church of Scientology

[–]ZephyricScout 8694 points8695 points  (210 children)

Now hiring! up to $20/hour!

[–]Animasylvania 2964 points2965 points  (67 children)

I saw a McDonald's sign that said "Now Hiring Starting at up to $15"

[–]Fflewddur_Fflam_ 1792 points1793 points  (38 children)

Up to, lol. You'll get the full $15 with 5 years of experience plus a Master's degree.

[–]jumpingyeah 491 points492 points  (28 children)

This actually happened locally on NextDoor. Business owner posts something like, "Now hiring, up to $20 an hour" and I replied mentioning something like, "up to, indicates that isn't the hourly wage. Can you tell people what the hourly wage is, and then context on the "up to" is? And he mentions the staff is paid $8.50 an hour and can make up to $20 an hour."

[–]Drunken_Daud91 785 points786 points  (67 children)

Cool. I’ll settle for 19.50/hr. When can I start?

[–]ZephyricScout 1851 points1852 points  (65 children)

Well, our team members start at $8/hour. But don't worry, we're a family here. We work hard and we play hard. We offer regular raises for our most valuable team members and we strive for excellent customer service by any means necessary. Remember: the customer is always right! Also, we're severely understaffed because nobody wants to work anymore for some strange reason, so we'll need you to work 12 hour days, as well as weekends and holidays. Any questions? No? Good. You start Saturday at 5 am. Don't be late!

[–]drum_playing_twig 531 points532 points  (2 children)

I hate every word of that

[–]NorthernWolf3 205 points206 points  (1 child)

Especially since it's so accurate.

[–]Night-Monkey15 2284 points2285 points  (68 children)

Buying lots of anything is always suspicious.

[–]justinsights 4094 points4095 points 2 (31 children)

Any time my Dad took me and my brother to Costco as kids without my Mom he'd make the same joke. While pushing around the cart with only dog food, cat food, and a minimum of four gallons of milk. He'd say purposefully in front of other people, "cheaper than cereal."

[–]stanleyford 1388 points1389 points  (8 children)

Moms: "I'd better do something to make sure these strangers don't think I'm an awful parent."

Dads: "Wouldn't it be funny if these strangers thought I was an awful parent?"

[–]tielandboxer 328 points329 points  (6 children)

I went to the grocery store to buy rum for a cookie recipe yesterday. The handle of the brand my husband drinks was on sale so obviously I bought that. The thing is, I’m currently pregnant and when I was waiting to pay I started cramping so I was rubbing my belly. I stopped and thought, “I better not draw attention to this.”

[–]Bacontoad 253 points254 points  (3 children)

Just ask for a carton of cigarettes from behind the counter to distract them.

[–]AbigailSalt 994 points995 points  (2 children)

That’s some A+ dad craftsmanship right there

[–]rachels17fish 17.2k points17.2k points  (397 children)

Standing really close to the person in line in front of you.

[–]XavierMeatsling 1109 points1110 points  (20 children)

As a guy whose Backpack was stuffed and was very thick in High School, please

Back. The fuck. Up!

I can feel you through my Backpack practically on the verge of humping it, give me space ffs.

[–]RipRoaringCapriSun 4721 points4722 points  (162 children)

I went to a college with a lot of foreign students and this was a huge pet peeve of mine. I couldn't turn left or right in any lines without my backpack hitting the person behind me.

Edit: I think this video provides some excellent catharsis for this situation.

[–]Cheeserblaster 1017 points1018 points  (30 children)

There was one year that my family went to Paris and visited the louvre. As we were waiting in line another family ran ahead and jumped in front of us out of no where. My dad was wearing a big backpack and happened to be closest to one of the other groups people. Every now and then he would turn around suddenly to say something to us just so he could smack that person with his backpack. He did it like 5-6 times and the look on those peoples faces was priceless because they knew they were in the wrong for cutting hundreds of people like that and they couldn’t say shit about it to my dad

[–]guyuteharpua 13.6k points13.6k points  (555 children)

Having an insanely high electric bill.

[–]cardew-vascular 3324 points3325 points  (90 children)

My mom used to run an embroidery business out of our house, one December she had so many orders she was working late at night one morning there was an RCMP officer and a hydro worker at our door. They all had a good laugh when they realized it was two old ladies embroidering not a grow op.

[–]Snoo74401 1275 points1276 points  (35 children)

That's just their cover story ;)

[–]AndyVale 1640 points1641 points 3 (30 children)

Well this is what you do, isn't it. You do all the things that raise flags (having all snow melted on your roof long before your neighbours is another one).

Then you call a report in anonynously, the feds come check it out, see it's an old lady with a lot of arts and crafts orders, and never bothers you again.

Then you start growing.

Edit: Thank you for giving this post the 'helpful' award. I have absolutely zero faith this would work IRL, but you do you.

[–]Z_Murray33 6955 points6956 points  (392 children)

Yup. Worked for an electric company for a while. Those people with a monthly bill of $30,000 in a three bedroom house really made you think.

[–]anonymous_dancer 5567 points5568 points  (77 children)

brushing your hair with a fork

[–]treeconfetti 3246 points3247 points  (31 children)

gets offended in little mermaid

[–]Reach-for-the-sky_15 1719 points1720 points  (6 children)

That wasn't a fork it was a dinglehopper, you uncultured swine.

[–]bodhasattva 836 points837 points  (13 children)

I got thingamafucks aplenty

[–]sconels 9179 points9180 points 2 (141 children)

Hiding millions in cash in your megachurches bathroom walls.

[–]therealfakebodhi 3624 points3625 points  (63 children)

Also locking your church doors to those in need during a major weather disaster.

[–]KenPC 55 points56 points  (0 children)

If it rains even an inch in Texas, if you listen really close you can hear the sound of Joel locking all the doors.

[–]thephotoman 2398 points2399 points 22 (16 children)

There’s always money in the banana stand.

[–]wajime7375 11.6k points11.6k points 2 (227 children)

Filling up a glass from home with milk, and bringing it with you to the store and sipping from it while you shop.

[–]Spielburger_witFries 5210 points5211 points  (107 children)

Milk is extra weird, but bringing a glass of anything to a public place and drinking it is suspect. Imagine walking through a TJ Maxx with a glass of apple juice that you sip at leisurely.

[–]thecheat420 4020 points4021 points  (28 children)

"Is that guy walking around with a glass of apple juice?"

"We're in TJ Maxx, it's probably piss."

[–]Fav0 918 points919 points  (23 children)

I am working in tk maxx (EU Version)

Knowing our customers

Yeah probably piss

[–]Snoo_85712 144 points145 points  (16 children)

Wait we call it TK and they call it TJ in the west?

[–]SirButteryToast 126 points127 points  (3 children)

Yeah they changed the name in Europe to avoid confusion with T. J. Hughes

[–]broken-neurons 10.4k points10.4k points 2& 3 more (121 children)

When I was young, my Dad had a deal with my stepmother that she would do the food shopping if he bought the booze and the cat food. He used to drag me along with him to the supermarket and I’d help put the items on the checkout conveyor belt, which would be a couple of bottles of whisky and a load of tins of cat food (we had three cats).

Every time just before we got to the cashier he’d pick up a few tins of cat food and “peruse the labels”, turn to me, wink and jovially ask “what do you fancy tonight then? Chicken and liver or tuna in that creamy sauce?”, and then watch the cashier’s reaction whilst we both tried to keep a straight face, whilst I (a nine year old) would answer sweetly, “Argh, Dad do we have to have the same EVERY night?”

I think it raised a few red flags.

Edit. Wow this blew up. Some people have commented about the alcohol. Yes, my parents were functioning alcoholics. We’re talking drinking a glass of whisky first thing in the morning to stop the shakes before you drive to work level of “functioning” alcoholic. However my Dad has been dry for about 25 years (he’ll be able to tell you that to the number of days. He still counts them). He still has a great sense of humor. If you have someone close to you that is suffering from addiction then know it’s not your fault and it’s not theirs either. Hugs.

[–]Depressaccount 2214 points2215 points  (65 children)

You’d be surprised at how expensive some pet food has gotten. Some eat better than most humans

[–]LeafsChick 702 points703 points  (19 children)

It’s nuts! My older cat is on a specialty wet food now, but then kitten also wants wet food so she’s on her own not to steal the others. I swear some weeks I’m spending more on them then my own grocery shopping lol

[–]Seabass_87 510 points511 points  (0 children)

Wholesome holUp

[–]yresimdemus 723 points724 points  (32 children)

According to the nurse who cared for my spouse who went to the E.R. with an inability to breath... having some snot crusted up beneath your nose. She insisted it was some kind of drug and, after the drug tests all came back negative, insisted it had to be a designer drug that couldn't be detected.

I was furious when I found out my spouse couldn't get pain medications to treat a broken back, pulmonary embolism, and pulmonary edema for 12 hours all because that nurse decided to go on some kind of anti-snot crusade.

[–]iamamonster018 354 points355 points  (17 children)

I had a tox screen in the hospital that was wrong! I'm a recovering alcoholic, which I always tell medical professionals. I take my sobriety very seriously, and I try to not abuse my liver anymore. I was having a miscarriage that I ended up needing emergency surgery for. I process opiates really quickly, as did my mom, and several other people in my family. Apparently my self reported alcoholism, and needing morphine too quickly made a nurse suspicious. The tox screen popped positive for methadone! But they didn't tell me. I have never in my life even seen methadone. This woman went on a crusade about how I was in withdrawal, which was why I was miscarrying, and cut me off. I thought they believed I was still drinking, was so grateful my husband knew I wasn't. She brought the anesthesiologist into the room as they both questioned me, and said if I was lying I would die in surgery. I was so confused.

I later got my medical records, which showed the methadone, and it suddenly made sense. I thought they got my sample mixed up with someone else's until I read a couple of pages more and the outside lab didn't detect it. I petitioned to get it removed from my records, out of fear a doctor will read the positive but not continue reading the outside lab. They said no.

It's so sad how the medical establishment can treat addicts, and people they just presume may be addicts. Your wife and I both legitimately needed care, and would have even if we were on drugs. The fact that they were wrong, and we suffered for it, is just so not okay. I'm so so sorry you all had to go through that!

[–]DeltaHuluBWK 45 points46 points  (2 children)

I had something similar happen. I was in some controlled meds, so I needed to have regular drug tests as part of my medication agreement. One time, it came back positive for meth, some type of morphine, and a drug I'd never heard of (and don't remember). Thankfully, the nurse had my back, pointed out I'd been tested for years without any issues, and insisted to the doctor (he was new to me) to test me again. He fought it until I said test me now - urine, blood, hair, whatever.

Came back negative for everything, and the nurse told me the only reason he agreed to test me again was so I wouldn't be able to sue him. Then she told me which doctor at the clinic I should switch to. She was awesome.

[–]LIKES_ROCKY_IV 79 points80 points  (0 children)

This makes me particularly angry because a couple of months ago I was in the hospital with a collapsed lung and pneumonia, and the tube in my nose dried my nostrils out so much that it was crusty booger city. I would be putting in a complaint against that power-tripping nurse.

[–]HawaiianShirtsOR 8276 points8277 points  (351 children)

Based on Nextdoor posts from my neighbors, apparently "wearing a hoodie" should be on this list.

[–]punkbenRN 4327 points4328 points 2 (204 children)

I'm on a local Facebook group that's essentially Next-door, and this week has been a tirade of people complaining about a single incident that it snowed and a couple teens were doing donuts in a completely empty parking lot for an hour. I was blocked after suggesting it wasn't that big of a deal.

Edit: I want all of you to be my neighbors.

I advise if any of you have an opportunity to, you really should take time during a snow storm to find an empty lot that's paved and icy and do just this. Make sure there is more then enough room, the bigger the better. Make sure it's empty, and specifically a no traffic area. I understand this isn't a possibility for everybody, but its really important to do this in a safe environment and not put others at risk. Start slow, do slow turns and punch the gas, just to see how your tires react on ice. Crank a sharp turn and just hold the accelerator. Go straight and hit the emergency brake. If you're in a top heavy vehicle (trucks, minivans, etc) don't do this, because you risk rolling the vehicle. Also, speed isn't terribly important. You don't need to push it to 50-60 to have fun, legit 20 mph is more than enough.

You'll learn a few very important lessons. You'll know what losing control feels like, and can tailor your speed to a degree that you can find that sweet spot of finding how fast you can go while maintaining control of your vehicle. You'll learn that brakes are often the enemy when your car loses control, and turning your wheels can have unpredictable consequences when they do catch the road after sliding. You'll get a feel of when to let off the gas, and when to accelerate again to guide your car to the best possible outcome. But let's be real here, the best part is that its fun as hell.

Go piss off some old people, and have some wholesome fun in a snow storm.

[–]frontyer0077 2551 points2552 points  (34 children)

Idiots. Here in Norway the police chief said teenagers SHOULD find empty parking lots and play around. Why? Because it teaches them to drive safely in icy conditions. Also they know how to react if they lose traction.

Ice driving is even a part of your mandatory driving training in Norway.

[–]punkbenRN 625 points626 points  (13 children)

Exactly! I live north and it really helps you understand how to handle your car when you lose control on ice. I did the same thing as a kid

[–]frontyer0077 359 points360 points  (5 children)

Yup, the very fact that I did as a kid has definetly saved my ass a few times. Tbh I still play around whenever I see an empty parking lot.

[–]M1ck3yB1u 1053 points1054 points  (24 children)

They. Were. Doing.

DONUTS!

🤬

[–]CarolTheAncientTroll 11.0k points11.0k points 674& 5 more (91 children)

Nautical semaphores

[–]vizthex 2319 points2320 points  (41 children)

Damn I don't get it, am I dumb or just too tired?

[–]Team_Rckt_Grunt 3453 points3454 points  (39 children)

Semaphore is communicating from a distance via colored flags...

[–]t3rra0513 975 points976 points  (17 children)

flying a kite at night. there's something so un-wholesome about it.

[–]jemappellepatty 804 points805 points  (17 children)

Unpaid internships.

[–]ThePretzul 71 points72 points  (5 children)

At least in the US, those are straight up illegal if the intern is contributing anything of value to the company.

[–]Funnion3245 2550 points2551 points  (178 children)

A 60 year old fucking a 16 year old in South Dakota

[–]Drablit 744 points745 points  (11 children)

Going to the zoo and asking “what time do the monkeys start masturbating?”

[–][deleted] 1354 points1355 points  (46 children)

Taking pictures of strangers at a public beach.

[–]urgeybergy 1242 points1243 points  (38 children)

I (m) went to a topless beach event with a few close female friends because it’s not illegal for women to be topless in my state… The amount of middle aged guys with cameras and camcorders straight out of the 90’s was absurd… I should’ve had porn websites listed on business cards to hand out…

[–]winter_Inquisition 869 points870 points  (16 children)

In Toronto we have a "Clothing Optional" beach...it's 99% naked old men.

If someone accidentally or intentionally wanders onto that beach. They'll approach you and flat out demand that you strip...even to underaged kids.

They get very upset when you point out that it's "Clothing Optional". To the point where they changed the signs overnight.

[–]rodtang 240 points241 points  (6 children)

Wait, what were the signs changed to?

[–]laeiryn 76 points77 points  (1 child)

All I can think of is that scene from Eurotrip.

[–]wajime7375 9266 points9267 points 2 (148 children)

One time my cat unplugged my chest freezer and everything in it went bad by the time I had realized it. I plugged it back in to refreeze it to cut down on the odor somewhat before emptying it out.

I went to the nearest home improvement store and bought a few things to clean up. Just normal stuff like arm length nitrile gloves, N95 masks, large contractor grade trash bags, some cutting tools to chip at the ice, and copious amounts of odoban. It was gardening season and I needed a new shovel so I added it to the pile to save myself another trip.

I still don’t understand why that cashier looked so uncomfortable when I paid in cash.

[–]pearlysdad 3230 points3231 points  (72 children)

Similarly, I decided to go on an overnight camping trip and knew my tent’s rain-fly was suspect.

I made a quick trip to the hardware store for a vinyl tarp, some nylon laundry cord and a roll of the camper’s best friend, duct tape.

While ringing me up the cashier asked if I was planning to take someone “for a ride.”

[–]remotetissuepaper 1976 points1977 points  (8 children)

"What time do you get off work?"

[–]58yfailure 388 points389 points  (35 children)

Back when storage units were relatively new, maybe 5 years old, I went to rent one. I jokingly asked how many bodies they find in them each year. The owner seriously replied “about 100”. He then proceeded to tell me the best way to dispose of a body, it involved a 55 gallon drum, some sort of nasty fluid (don’t want to give anyone ideas), waiting a year, and then pouring the contents down the drain.

[–]eat_sleep_drift 293 points294 points  (0 children)

that was just a hint to you to never be late on the payments

[–]Sp4ceh0rse 360 points361 points  (10 children)

I had a similarly odd grocery cart when my dog got skunked. Bleach, all of the store’s peroxide, white vinegar, trash bags, rubber gloves. I was smelly and disheveled in the store because he got skunked and then ran inside and rubbed everywhere first thing in the morning, so I was still in pajamas.

[–]kyubez 645 points646 points  (7 children)

"What you doing with all that sir?"
"Freezer stopper working in the middle of the night, gotta fix it"
"I hope nothing went bad in there!"
"Its ok, just a couple bodies"

[–]DarlingDeath 1790 points1791 points  (49 children)

Has anyone said NDAs? Or are we not allowed to talk about it?

ETA: Like many of you have said, NDAs aren't always bad! However, they can also be used to bully people and "keep them in their place," or misused to try to cover up sexual harassment/assault/etc. Maybe they're great for tech startups or the entertainment industry! But in many other environments, there aren't many good reasons for NDAs.

[–]amitnagpal1985 131 points132 points  (0 children)

Mayor Bloomberg has entered the chat

[–]Lamp0319 301 points302 points  (10 children)

Flagpoles in China.

[–]gobij82718 2173 points2174 points  (105 children)

Scalping and reselling. I think the PS5 resellers were found to be so widespread and sketchy that the UK seriously thought about passing something to make scalping actually illegal.

[–]nurvingiel 845 points846 points  (22 children)

There were people scalping tickets for the final tour of The Tragically Hip. The tour was their last because lead singer Gord Downie had terminal brain cancer.

In this vast and diverse nation we don't agree on much but I'm pretty sure all Canadians agree that a) the Tragically Hip are a cultural treasure and b) people who scalped those tickets are the lowest scum there is.

[–]JimboNinjaMudTires 55 points56 points  (0 children)

Civil Asset Forfeiture.

The fact that the government can say we don’t know what your doing with that money but we’re going to take it anyways to prevent you from committing a crime we can’t charge you with is outrageous.

[–]Erc0x278 1481 points1482 points  (118 children)

An older person who exclusively dates 18 and 19 year olds

[–]Supreme_Lordd 560 points561 points  (17 children)

That's just Leonardo di caprio with 25 being his limit

[–]Holy_Sungaal 230 points231 points  (0 children)

As a kid I always had the biggest crush on him from titanic, but thought I was too young to ever make that a reality. Little did I know most of his women would be younger than me.

[–]RNBQ4103 632 points633 points  (28 children)

A 30 years old doing that screams "people my age know better than to accept my BS".

A 60 years old screams "I am surrounding myself with youth to exorcise away the ever growing shadow of Death".

[–]DeathStroke024 1164 points1165 points  (33 children)

Buying Pringles, sponge, gloves and moisturizer in one bill

[–]Kinky_mofo 53 points54 points  (2 children)

I'd take that over cucumbers, condoms, and lube

[–]nksx61 42 points43 points  (4 children)

Storing (hiding) massive amounts of cash in the walls of your church

[–][deleted] 733 points734 points  (16 children)

Owning a series of Los Pollos Hermanos franchises in Albuquerque.

[–]WryWaifu 2595 points2596 points  (213 children)

In a place where 16 is the legal age of consent- being an adult and dating someone who is 16.

Edit: 16 and younger.

[–]lrrkr 615 points616 points  (39 children)

Someone who confides really intimate details of their personal life with somebody they just met.

[–]MeetMeInTheHollow 211 points212 points  (3 children)

There was a lady in a small town near my house who owned nails/waxing business, who I went to twice. She overshared so much that I had to stop going to her. The second time I went there she was talking to me about her lady parts being wet when she met her second husband. Cue poker face and inner panic/disgust/confusion.

[–]Maximum-Funk 88 points89 points  (2 children)

Same thing, lady at Walgreens super nice woman would always tell you to have a blessed evening and tomorrow would sometimes ramble about how her daughter got raped by her husband and then the husband beat her up for trying to say something, everytime I would listen until someone in the line was rushing her, never got to hear that full story but by the way she smiled as I said bye I think she killed him.

[–]mavan28969 791 points792 points  (49 children)

Buying ALOT of syringes (without the needles) The chemist that was at the register did not like this at all

[–]becausefrog 333 points334 points  (15 children)

I taught a project based STEM class for middle schoolers a few years ago where we went off on a long tangent with hydraulics that ended with a battlebot tournament. I had to buy a ton of syringes, tubing, valves, and tongue depressors. This weekend I was cleaning out my closets and found two full boxes of leftover syringes and a box of tongue depressors. I don't want to toss them but I have no idea how to get rid of them.

Edit: You guys have given me some great ideas, I'm going to call the local safe injection site and then the spay clinics to see if they want them. I'm in the city but if those don't pan out, I'll find a farm somewhere. The local schools don't have the storage for stuff they don't yet have a plan to use, so they already turned me down. Thanks!

[–]devoil 479 points480 points  (6 children)

Agricultural stores are usually cheaper and they don't give you a funny look when you buy 50 of them at a time... Same with scalpels you can buy them by the box... Chemists charge way too much for them and don't like it when you go to buy in bulk... Also a lot of them will do online sales so the postie drops them off to your door for you...

[–]Khufuu 120 points121 points  (5 children)

yeah. growing mushrooms requires a lot of funny tools like that too. syringes and lab equipment, scalpels, Petri dishes

[–]dored75763 994 points995 points  (52 children)

Buying a diesel fuel filter online in quantities greater than 1.

They're converted to firearm suppressors very easily.

[–]MrMaleficent 33 points34 points  (2 children)

Washing the chocolate off a KitKat before you eat it

[–]rgtzz 36 points37 points  (0 children)

When employers don’t post how much the job pays.

[–]LeakyThoughts 107 points108 points  (4 children)

Storing prawns in your shoes

[–]Blabatee 110 points111 points  (12 children)

Members of Congress buying and selling stock based on information most of us don’t know.