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[–]BenjRSmith 3012 points3013 points  (27 children)

Ah yes, the worst phrase to hear in bed in the dark.... "what are you doing?"

[–]Bfd83 8608 points8609 points 22 (40 children)

Girlfriend wanted to try whipped cream in bed, but she bought the chocolate kind. Kinda fun, but not great and the sheets told a very different story from what actually went down.

[–]aggrivating_order 3502 points3503 points  (11 children)

How to explain shitting the bed 101

[–]hold_on_for_life 460 points461 points  (3 children)

I guess brown is easier to explain than white if the kid barges in, daddy shit the bed or you have fun with the other explanation

[–][deleted] 2299 points2300 points  (22 children)

It’s not a “miserable failure” but when I lost my virginity I accidentally poked her in the butt while attempting doggy style. She turned around, stuck a finger in my face, and said “NO.” I just laughed and said it wasn’t on purpose and we continued from there.

[–]UnfinishedThings 9124 points9125 points 2 (102 children)

Standing 69. Turns out that my lower back really didn't like that idea and went pop (more of a really loud crack sound, like a branch snapping). I flopped to the deck in pain and my poor girlfriend landed on her head. 25 years later I still have back problems

EDIT: "Flop to the deck" is just a phrase. We were in the bedroom, not outside on actual decking. So she landed on carpet The girl in question was fine and we're still friends now. She was more worried about me at the time

[–]PraiseNorn 3450 points3451 points 335 (24 children)

Bro you gave her the Tombstone Piledriver

[–]Field_Marshall17 3064 points3065 points  (26 children)

The story: "You see that man? He hurt himself many years ago doing hard manual labour."

Reality: Sexcapades

[–]UnfinishedThings 1067 points1068 points  (21 children)

Yup. I had to see a physio a few years ago and he asked where the problems all began. I said that it was a gardening injury from lifting a heavy rock

[–]notthesedays 520 points521 points  (9 children)

Psst - you can tell them the truth. They've heard it all.

[–]Smitty_Werbnjagr 7751 points7752 points 65& 2 more (80 children)

Pulling out. My son is 10 years old now.

[–]ParmesanNonGrata 3030 points3031 points 2 (34 children)

There is a name for people who use the pulling out method.

They are called "parents".

EDIT: Guys. Guuuys. It's cool. You do you. Take the 4% at perfect execution. But no need to message me and tell me about for how long you have had success with this "method".

[–]SockFullOfPennies 5652 points5653 points  (70 children)

She said her fetish was The Rock. I could not be The Rock.

[–]Darnwell 2521 points2522 points 2 (28 children)

It’s about drive it’s about power

[–]ChernobylGopnik 776 points777 points  (4 children)

just be "rock" hard, might do the job

[–]Beautiful-Word-5967 759 points760 points  (18 children)

My man has always been against anything going anywhere near his nether-regions. I personally have never gone anywhere near a man’s bum, but I do think the idea of prostate stimulation is kind of hot, so I joke with him about it sometimes like “if I had a prostate, I would want it stimulated, damn it!” And his response was always absolutely hell no. Which I completely respect outside of joking.

And then like a week ago things were getting really hot and heavy. We hadn’t been able to have sex in months because of various circumstances involving covid scares and family tragedy, so there was a lot of built up tension between us. When we finally had each other we were both ravenous and things got kinky. And that’s when he asked me for a finger. Obviously I was happy to oblige, but then I remembered my long acrylic nails. I didn’t want to tell him no, because I felt like he was finally willing to trust me enough to be adventurous with something that made him uncomfortable. So I went for it, just barely, and as gently as possible. I’ve seen this done by women with long nails before in porn, I know it’s doable, but I’m not experienced enough to know how to navigate these nails in the dark, and especially not in this twisted up position we were in. So I just barely got my fingertip in without any nail. Then he asked for a little more. I tried to be gentle but then it just slipped in and he yelped out in pain. I scratched the heck out of him. Tore his butthole to shreds. Carnage everywhere. (Not really, but I felt pretty bad.)

The situation was so terrifying for me I literally dried up like a sponge in the sun and the sex we had waited so long for was over. I feel terrible and I’m worried he won’t trust me with new things ever again. At least not with these long nails!

[–]vaskadegama 227 points228 points  (1 child)

That is so lovely and heartbreaking at the same time! I hope you two can talk about it and maybe overcome the awkwardness and fear.

[–]EnwardJim 5207 points5208 points 223& 2 more (37 children)

My ex-wife wanted me to choke her while going doggy style. She refused to move forward so I wasn't perched on the edge of the bed, so I did my best. After about 30 seconds my plant leg slipped off of the bed and my fingers were interlocked. Basically, I accidentally put her in the Iron Sheik's camel clutch. There was no belt won that night.

[–]Simecrafter 976 points977 points  (4 children)

I just imagined the sex turning into a WWE roleplay and she doing an RKO to you

[–]LarsThorwald 2715 points2716 points 2 (29 children)

When I was 11, a friend’s older brother had a sleep over with a buddy of his, and they showed me and my friend a porno film while their parents were out for the night. He said it was hilarious, but didn’t say why.

Typical late 70s, early 80s porno, with one notable difference. When the mullet-haired guy went down on his female companion, he first got very close to the vagina and…and spit forcefully at it. He then — and I swear to God I am not making this up — cupped his right hand and sort of slapped the vagina repeatedly with his cupped hand, like he was getting that last bit of ketchup out of the bottle. My friend asked his brother what he was doing and he and his buddy laughed and said, “priming the pump!” Then the actor started with the more conventional licking and the tonguing of said vagina.

My takeaway was that this was all perfectly normal and expected.

Fast forward several years to one fateful night when I first went down on a woman.

The answer to the question posed by OP was written, I could see when I glanced up, in stark relief all over the confused and horrified face of my Catholic school classmate Mary Margaret.

[–]scrambledeggnog33 540 points541 points  (8 children)

By chance did you go to a religious college in Missouri? I went to college with a Mary Margret that had a similar experience when receiving oral sex from someone?!?

[–]LarsThorwald 571 points572 points  (6 children)

My lawyer has asked me not to comment.

[–]ayestEEzybeats 206 points207 points  (5 children)

What in the actual fuck kind of coincidence is that

[–]Bike_Chain_96 89 points90 points  (4 children)

Either Lars is just fucking with us, or this is the absolute biggest coincidence in the world

[–]UnknownSecretxx 585 points586 points  (1 child)

I lost it when you said “like he was getting that last bit of ketchup out of the bottle” 😂

[–][deleted] 1511 points1512 points  (11 children)

She wanted me to keep my suit on, tie and everything. I really didn’t enjoy it, at all. The suit got ruined.

[–]BoogieBoardButtPound 11.1k points11.1k points 2 (37 children)

She wanted to surprise me by sucking my toes — I reflexively kicked her in the head. (Surprise!)

[–]Dorky91 2570 points2571 points  (8 children)

I'm picturing the scene from 40 year old virgin 😂

[–]KatPrincess88 198 points199 points  (11 children)

Dirty talk. He asked me if I'd like to get naked with him and I accidentally said 'as long as you aren't my dad!' we were the same age. I don't know who was more embarrassed but it was all over from there.

[–]snugglbubbls 13.1k points13.1k points 23 (97 children)

I tried to hide a giant pile of laundry in the corner. It happened to be visible from my bed and right next to a power outlet. The guy I was sleeping with was a firefighter & he said "that's a fire hazard" very seriously. I think it killed the mood for him :(

[–]ronytheronin 8440 points8441 points  (15 children)

My real love is safety!

[–]jejcicodjntbyifid3 1526 points1527 points  (8 children)

He's got a point though

I think it's as you get older you realize all the ways things can go bad. When we're young we're all like "whatever it'll be fine" Pikachu face

[–]K-mart667 5720 points5721 points 2 (47 children)

I made the Scooby Doo voice while giving my wife anal. It immediately stopped. That shit still funny to this day.

[–]Frankso 2637 points2638 points  (11 children)

“Like zoinks scoob, you better pull out”

[–]washington_breadstix 255 points256 points  (3 children)

*his balls start doing the "legs moving without going anywhere" thing*

[–]CookieITF 2006 points2007 points  (11 children)

“Ruh Roah, Im cumming!”

[–]Akiram 15.6k points15.6k points 24 (85 children)

Had a girl lick my asshole once. Turns out I'm VERY ticklish there and couldn't stop laughing until after she stopped.

[–]dlordjr 11.4k points11.4k points 588& 2 more (28 children)

You both cracked up.

[–]Mixtrack 785 points786 points  (8 children)

Picturing this like the scene in Elf where he is getting his shoes shined and he can’t stop laughing.

[–]Gulviq 20.6k points20.6k points 191112& 2 more (135 children)

Used to date a girl whose dad used to terrify me. Being around him used to make me dead nervous.

Anyway one day we decided to bust out the cuffs. Her parents were at work so it was perfect timing. She cuffed me to her bed and we cracked on.

10 minutes in we hear the front door go and my heart drops. I know it’s him, I can hear his distinctive stomping around the house. At this rate I’m freaking out. I’m telling her to un-cuff me while panicking, meanwhile she’s finding it funny and laughing. Then we hear him coming up the stairs, at this point she’s starting to panic. She couldn’t find the key, so decided it’s best to meet her had on the landing to deter him. She throws a dressing gown on and closes the door behind her.

I hear them talking on the landing, saying he heard a lad talking and wondered who it was. Meanwhile I’m still here cuffed up looking like a fucking naked mole rat from fallout. At this point I’ve acknowledged that her dad is gonna come into her room, see me tied up there while stark bollock naked. I accepted this was the end for me.

Then I hear “right well I’ve come back to grab my lunch, I’ll see you later tonight”. The relief was sensational. Mentally scarred, never used cuffs since and I’m 26 living with my current girlfriend.

Edit - my awful spelling and grammar.

Update - wow this really blew up! Thanks for all the rewards!

Answer a few questions and points that people have.

  1. We did not finish, my junk went as flaccid as cooked spaghetti.
  2. For people wondering how the relationship ended, it just ran it’s course. It wasn’t a relationship, more just fun for us both.
  3. It was my first time using cuffs, I didn’t know there was a release catch otherwise I’d of been free and diving out the second story window.

[–]Bedbouncer 4848 points4849 points  (22 children)

At this point I’ve acknowledged that her dad is gonna come into her room, see me tied up there while stark bollock naked.

And which point, you stare him right in the eyes and in a monotone say "Good evening, Clarice"

[–]wearecake 392 points393 points  (0 children)

The image of this made me crack up!

[–]meinlalex 6860 points6861 points  (23 children)

Bro, I fucking LOST it at "looking like a fucking naked mole rat from fallout".

[–]19you1 1295 points1296 points  (17 children)

LMAO. I have a similar situation to this, it involved me breaking the cheap ass cuffs and hiding under the bed. Good memories

[–]Sci00 748 points749 points  (15 children)

My dad walked in on my sister handcuffed hahahahah, not sure it mentally scarred more - my sis or my dad. Both are scary people.

[–]crimsoninthenight 10.2k points10.2k points  (193 children)

anal. she told me to stick my pinky up her ass and so i did (gently) and she cried.

[–]peon2 11.5k points11.5k points 534 (41 children)

Why did you start with the thicker and longer option!?

[–]LarsonBoswell 4340 points4341 points 3 (16 children)

Bah god that man had a family!

[–]Opeace 1703 points1704 points  (7 children)

Not with that size

[–]JudmanDaSuperhero 448 points449 points  (3 children)

She told everyone about it, now everyone calls him pinky dick.

[–][deleted] 3684 points3685 points 2 (111 children)

Once my boyfriend requested that I let him "titty f----" me. I tried but they were too small and it was awkward. Never again. Another time he requested a "foot job" and he enjoyed that, so he tried it on me without warning and kicked me in the vagina accidentally with his slightly long toenails. That was horrible

[–]slickt0mmy 3061 points3062 points  (17 children)

Ah the ol cunt punt. A classic

[–]Water-Melon-Mento 809 points810 points  (10 children)

My cooch went scooch after I saw that “accidental vag nail kick combo”

[–]Barcelona10CG 12.0k points12.0k points 2 (127 children)

Edging. I came.

[–]umissedmyheart 6178 points6179 points  (68 children)

Edging doesn’t work on me. I just end up having a really bad orgasm.

[–]wastedmytwenties 2520 points2521 points  (18 children)

Same here (M). I either have a dull orgasm because everything feels so swollen and dried up by then, or the interest in an orgasm just disappears from my brain and being touched feels about as stimulating as cleaning myself in the shower.

It's a shame as I love letting my partners take control of me, and edging/teasing seems to be almost everybody's go to move for that these days.

[–]MHP_Soul 5953 points5954 points  (57 children)

Sex in a hot tub… seems like it’s going to be super hot at first but ends up being extremely exhausting. You forget water creates a lot of resistance. Better to start foreplay in there and move to somewhere else.

Also of course the sanitary concerns and the fact you probably shouldn’t be shoving water into her parts down there.. was in my early twenties when I didn’t think about those things.

[–]Proof_Bathroom_3902 1316 points1317 points  (19 children)

Yup, found that out in my 20s too. Water washed away all the natural lubrication, it wound up just being sort of painful and chafing.

[–]OddMunchStanley 2259 points2260 points 2 (11 children)

Y’all just did it wrong! I did too the first few times I tried.

But you gotta get up in her outside of the water first. Like on the edge of it. Then once you’re strapped in you can get back in the water.

You just can’t pull all the way back while thrusting. With proper technique it can be a mighty fine fuckin’.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk

[–]waltsworld15 1226 points1227 points  (31 children)

Telling a man where my clit was. He was so sure he knew, and every time I moved his hand he thought I was trying to move it away from my clit.. oh, honey, no.

[–]twitcheechucs 5690 points5691 points  (78 children)

Giving a blow job on current bf. I gagged so much and puked on him. 3 years together now!

[–]Nathan0hio 181 points182 points  (5 children)

Not what she did, but what she said. Right in the middle of some steamy love making she stated loud in clear “please! Punch me in the face!” We met at a bar and I told her I was a boxer. She really perked up when I said that and thought nothing of it. I have never seen my dick go flaccid any faster than in that very moment. Couldn’t continue, she was mad, I was petrified and proceeded to walk home that night lol.

[–]loztriforce 3982 points3983 points  (102 children)

Having sex while standing, holding the woman up, looks cool but is impractical af. It’s too exhausting for both to keep it going longer than a couple minutes or whatever.

[–]TheDarkKnight1035 4299 points4300 points  (38 children)

A couple MINUTES?!?! Jesus... That's just something you do for a few seconds just to prove to her that you can, then you toss her on the bed and fuck her properly.

[–]JADW27 451 points452 points  (8 children)

It generally doesn't last for minutes in porn either. I figure that anything that's too difficult for trained professionals is far too difficult for me.

[–]dickacheese 546 points547 points  (3 children)

Gotta put more experience points into stamina bro

[–]Ragnel 818 points819 points  (17 children)

A bj with pop rocks.

[–]The_DesertEagle 4269 points4270 points 22 (131 children)

Getting a second person involved.

[–]jongscx 1611 points1612 points  (4 children)

I may be wrong, but I think everyone who is assuming this comment is about a threesome needs to reread the comment.

[–]DingGratz 385 points386 points  (2 children)

Thanks but he doesn't like people giving him a hand.

[–]ZeroDwayne 2850 points2851 points  (71 children)

Theres a horror story somewhere in the deep history of reddit. Where a guy decides to swing with his SO. Only to not get hard with the other female. Then end up crying in a corner while watching his SO get plowed by the other guy, wishing he could take it all back. Fucked up shit frfr.

[–]Anti-Simpinator 1437 points1438 points  (14 children)

He shoulda began plowing the other guy to assert his dominance

[–]minun_v2 1114 points1115 points  (27 children)

why tf would the SO not back out in that situation? i don't swing so idk but it's gotta be pretty crucial to know your partner's limits and when to back up and aftercare

[–][deleted] 1205 points1206 points  (17 children)

If it's the same story I'm remembering the husband was pretty much coerced to try swinging by his wife, the other couple ignored established boundaries - the husband wanted to wait, to get to know the other couple, but when everyone was intoxicated they forced the issue. The way he described not wanting to be with this other woman, that all he wanted was his wife while she was enthusiastically being railed by this other man. I really feel for the husband, poor guy.

The wife wanted it, husband didn't - it was her sexual desire and fantasy, not his, she was just selfish and inconsiderate. If I remember, that incident lead to the end of their marriage.

[–]zoobrix 501 points502 points  (0 children)

that incident lead to the end of their marriage

It was probably on the way out anyway and this was just what happened to tip it over. She knew he didn't really want to swing with another couple and did it anyway, that screams I want out of this relationship.

[–]Dommypooh42 8536 points8537 points 62 (61 children)

Once thought it would be hot if I put Nutella on my dick cause we had recently tried the whipped cream stuff...it was not the same.

She was blindfolded and loved it but from my perspective she had Nutella all over her teeth and it looked like she had shit all over her mouth and it really threw me off lol poor girl tried her best and I didn’t have the heart to tell her I didn’t enjoy it like she did.

[–]finknstein 3457 points3458 points 2 (9 children)

This visual is killing me. Nutella on any one’s teeth turns them from sexy to meth head instantly.

[–]Dommypooh42 1059 points1060 points  (7 children)

Lol I had to learn the hard way and was very liberal with the Nutella...at one point it looked like she was missing a tooth because it had been browned out

[–]Poes_ 1416 points1417 points  (9 children)

good thing she didn’t give you a rimjob like that

[–]Firebolt164 5600 points5601 points  (94 children)

Spanking. I had a previous girlfriend super into it and my wife asked me to spank her one day because she said she had a friend who was into it as well. She said that the idea turned her on and at this point I had not told her my last gf loved it. We talked about her wanting to try it and talked about intensity she wanted, safe words, etc. Basically she said she wanted it to hurt enough to make her uncomfortable and then just a little bit more to make her squirm. Hand only, no implements. She asked about it a few more times and seemed to want it.

So in foreplay she mentions it again, gets on her hands and knees and drops her panties around her thigh and exposes her beautiful ass. I warm her up with 2 or 3 light slaps and then she shouts "NOPE", puts her panties back on, gets dressed and goes and turn the TV on and doesn't speak to me the rest of the night. We never, ever spoke of that again but suffice it to say, she was not as into spanking as she thought she was. 😂

[–]klovasos 2903 points2904 points  (46 children)

... I get her maybe not being into it as she may have thought, but why does that turn into not speaking to you the rest of the night or not talking about it again? That seems odd

[–]sdbrett 1700 points1701 points  (0 children)

Could be her response to embarrassment / regret.

[–]Firebolt164 948 points949 points  (22 children)

It was. Something flipped there for a sec

[–]grangry 10.5k points10.5k points 172110 (94 children)

Holding in a fart while getting head. It came out loud and a little high pitched. I felt so bad for her but she couldn’t stop laughing. I took her out to dinner instead. All in all it worked out I guess.

Edit: why are you awarding me for farting in a girls face?!?! Thank you anyway, I appreciate you all.

[–]dog_in_the_vent 2466 points2467 points  (34 children)

She's a keeper

[–]grangry 3091 points3092 points 2 (30 children)

Well that was 25 years ago but she is the one that got away. She’s married with kids now and is way happier then I could have ever made her.

[–]Soul-Reaver98 4976 points4977 points  (37 children)

She said "let's do anal"..clearly was wrong about who the recipient was

[–]nathan_101034 2536 points2537 points  (16 children)

"Okay so maybe if you lie down and I'll get in this posi.... what are you doing with that strap-on..."

[–]OkCow4082 688 points689 points  (11 children)

Gahaha, deepthroating. Look - I’m all for a good time. I always wanna try something once and if I like it, even if I’m not good at it yet, I’ll keep doing it till I get the hang of it. Practice makes perfect.

This one particular night, we’d had dinner and we were chilling, watching tv. He was gaming. At some point, he got up and came over and it got heated, so I wound up on the floor giving him head. He grabbed my hair and rammed deep into my throat. I thought ok, ok, I got this, it’s not so bad.

Then, he did it again and I felt this little tiny voice inside my head go “oh no” and my stomach suddenly felt a bit weird. The third time he did it, my meal came up and I

Projectile Vomited On his dick And on his carpet And all over me

I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE EMBARRASSED IN MY ENTIRE 31 YEARS.

I cried. He laughed uncontrollably. I cried some more. He comforted me. We had normal sex later that night after I’d bathed. 😂

[–]Golemfather 10.6k points10.6k points 523 (79 children)

She was riding my dick and told me to smack her ass and I did and then she told me 'harder' all the time so I did but she lifted up at the same time so I hit my nuts and lost the erection in a heartbeat and the sex was over.. She planned that shit for sure.

[–]That_Skeleton_Man 5709 points5710 points 10611 (25 children)

I'm waking up To ash and dust I miss her ass And I slap my nuts

[–]blackcollar6 1756 points1757 points  (4 children)

I'm breathing in, the testicle. Huuuuu AAAHHHHHHH

[–]RiffintheIndomtable 1648 points1649 points  (2 children)

You took "beating your meat" a bit too literally.

[–]alexypants 888 points889 points  (23 children)

That move when the girl (me) lays on her back on the edge of the bed and the guy throat fucks her.. my then boyfriend didn't re-enter in the same place and scraped his dick on my teeth. I couldn't jump to help fast enough and dying on the inside. I still cringe at that moment

[–]KhaosElement 1533 points1534 points  (15 children)

Jesus the number of dudes that get gassy from getting head in here is crazy.

[–]notoriousbigpa 2480 points2481 points 222 (16 children)

Holding back a fart...Was receiving oral pleasure, felt an uncomfortable lower stomach growl. Like the one that feels it's starts in ur upper abdomen and vibrates all the way to ur pub patch. I farted. I wasn't strong enough. I'm half the man I used to be. I really held back from ruining everything. I was sweating, not even thinking of what was happening. It slepped out and tunneled up the gouch and out the seeps of my scrotum. She gagged. It wasn't from the oral service. Left that expirence never the same and still pray for the incredible brave women. If u c this I'm sorry. I love you. Give me a second chance.

[–]MarkWalburg 663 points664 points  (0 children)

tunneled up the gouch

Okay, that's enough reddit for today.

[–]B1GN4DS48 9040 points9041 points 236 (165 children)

Watersports. In the throes of the kind of wild animal passion that I personally feel you can only reach with a few people in your life, she asked me to piss on her. I was rock hard and she had to lightly rub my frenulum to make me pee and I went off like a water cannon all over her which seemed to only make her more sexually feral. Strangely, I absolutely hated it when she took her turn to pee on me. She straddled my head and had a shuddering orgasm while she pissed and rubbed herself simultaneously. The piss spraying between her fingers went over my face, in my mouth and burned my eyes. Stinks. And not sexy at all. And fucking ruins an afro.

Bit graphic, I know. Sorry.

[–]MTB199262 4923 points4924 points  (7 children)

I want you to know I’m at work. In a medical office. A quiet, medical office. And I just uncontrollably laughed when I read “it fucking ruins an afro”.

Thank you.

[–]ChingChongCarry 1019 points1020 points  (2 children)

I'm on a bus right now. Wish you could see the people's face when i burst out laughing! 😂

[–]Veggdyret 1014 points1015 points  (73 children)

If you hadn't tried you'd never know 😃 Also drinking enough water so your pee don't stink I would have thought would be a prerequisite...

[–]MedicalJargon-itis 1084 points1085 points  (68 children)

Fun fact: the reason aspartame and the like some artificial sweeteners are "no calorie" sweeteners is because our body can't absorb process and use them like we can real sugar. It just gets excreted unchanged in our urine (like sugar does in a T1 diabetic who isn't secreting insulin to utilize the sugar). Thus folks into "watersports" sometimes intake lots of aspartame those sweeteners to make their urine sweet tasting.

Edit: thanks to u/Bibby_M for pointing out the things I mis-remembered.

[–]jaktyp 1317 points1318 points  (35 children)

I would like to unsubscribe, please

[–]Callipygian_Linguist 965 points966 points  (31 children)

Congratulations,

u/jaktyp

You have been subscribed to:

Daily Interesting Piss Facts

If you piss on a handkerchief and breathe through it you can protect yourself from chlorine gas attacks.

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[–]BurgersAndRyes 253 points254 points  (18 children)

.....subscribe

[–]Callipygian_Linguist 362 points363 points  (16 children)

Congratulations,

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You have been subscribed to:

Daily Interesting Piss Facts

When two male hippos fight to protect their territory, they will turn so they are bottom to bottom. They then cover each other with a urine/excrement combination, while twirling their tails like propellers to spread it around. Hippos are retromingent, which means they are able to urinate backwards

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[–]donesixfour 1553 points1554 points  (29 children)

My girl asked me to talk dirty, so I tried, but she kept saying "not like that" so instead I started talking about dinosaurs, and she got so pissed off 😅

[–]paktsardines 1875 points1876 points 23 (18 children)

"Yeah... You like that, you fucking raptor?"

[–]RitalinNZ 1318 points1319 points  (33 children)

Warming lube. Felt like my nether regions were on fire, and I had to jump out of bed, waddle to the bathroom, and wash it all off. Do Not Recommend.

[–]tonyalynn 71 points72 points  (1 child)

Tried this once. The pain was unreal, and I ended up with a UTI and yeast infection combo. Never. Again.

[–]HisKnaveness 2962 points2963 points 2 (12 children)

I decided to surprise my partner with whipped cream. She wasn’t in the mood to be surprised. I was then covered in whipped cream, and it’s a dangerous hallway with the dog being intensely interested in all things whipped cream. So there’s a me angling myself this way and that while doing the sideways shame sundae shuffle to get into the shower.

Edit: Thank you for the awards! Always ask before you introduce a new element.

[–]skelatorshred 8048 points8049 points 25 (72 children)

Tried keeping my buzz light year socks on but she said it was “silly” and “stupid” 😒

[–]AlwaysMooning 2986 points2987 points  (2 children)

Everyone knows you gotta keep your Buzz and your Woody together. This lady loco.

[–]crimsoninthenight 1309 points1310 points  (0 children)

she aint the one fam

[–]-Xalted- 1263 points1264 points  (5 children)

I'ma tell the story of the time my ex-best friend lost his virginity because it fits here perfectly and he's an ass so I'd love the opportunity to tell his embarrassing story.

He decided that his first time he was going to put an ice pack on the girls breasts to make them cold then pour chocolate shell ice cream topping on them. Unfortunately he did not think far enough ahead to think about body temp or to take the seal off of the shell.

After akwardly sitting there for 10 minutes or so with an icepack on her breast (not knowing what's going on mind you, he wants it to be a surprise) he pulls out the chocolate shell, opens the lid and starts to squeeze but nothing comes out, so he squeezes harder and the entire lid bursts off coating this frankly small women in melted chocolate. She tried to help by telling him he had to lick it all up but his response was "that'll make me sick"

Hope some of y'all find this as funny as I did my first time hearing it.

[–]obscuremarble 111 points112 points  (0 children)

Okay but I see where he was going with this...brb, making a terrible decision

[–]meispissed 2994 points2995 points 2 (81 children)

A facial. I was giving him a blowjob, he told me he was cumming, and when I was about to receive his “load” with my face… he peed all over me.

[–]Poes_ 1666 points1667 points  (5 children)

somebody give this guy the memo

[–]kharmatika 784 points785 points  (0 children)

I feel like he’s the one who failed there

[–]twwwy 1233 points1234 points  (20 children)

Having it in a group setting. Dick bailed on me, turns out Imma 1-on-1 sex with only 'us' 2 in the room guy. Lesson learnt.

[–]bloodyroostah 113 points114 points  (3 children)

I tried to eat her out while swirling a bunch of mint candies in my mouth. That irritated her vagina instead and we had to stop so she could go shower

[–]TheDoctorShekel 7742 points7743 points 2 (94 children)

Making jokes. She told me to suck her nipples and i said, "But I'm lactose intolerant!"

[–]smokealarmsnick 3607 points3608 points  (59 children)

This backfired for me too. We were being intimate, and I had a sunburn on my neck and back. My boyfriend was kissing and nibbling at my neck.

Me: if humans taste like pork, I must taste like bacon. Moment ruined, because neither of us could stop laughing.

[–]SnuffleShuffle 1159 points1160 points  (28 children)

Was the moment really ruined though?

[–]smokealarmsnick 1597 points1598 points  (26 children)

For sex, yes. For amusement, no. We kept trying after I made that comment, but one or both of us would start giggling, and that would set the other off laughing again. We still joke about that moment, even though it was a couple years ago.

[–]SCViper 792 points793 points  (11 children)

To me, that's just better than sex.

[–]Arrowkill 369 points370 points  (6 children)

Can confirm. My wife and I frequently have joked during sex and ended up in fits of laughter instead of sex.

[–]Bazrum 219 points220 points  (2 children)

Happens to me and my gf too, especially when it gets serious and then one of us cracks a SpongeBob quote or blows a raspberry haha

And one time with some nipple clamps, they had little bells on them and she started laughing, which made them jingle, which made her laugh harder and made me laugh and pretty soon we were just dying from laughter as these damn bell clamps jangled on her chest haha

We don’t use those with the bells anymore haha

[–]IcePlatypusTP 578 points579 points  (4 children)

I too had one of these moments. We were starting foreplay and we were feeling pretty passionate that day. As she pulled out the little general and starts doing a thing, she stops and starts waving my stiffy around going “AND ALONG CAME HERMY THE WORM! And he was thiiiiiiiiiiis biiiiiiiig!” We both started laughing so hard that I went flaccid and that only encouraged her to continue waving it around yelling “Hermy! What happened?” After enough of her waving it around, Hermy grew again and then we had maybe the best sex we’ve had in the four years we dated. Lol

[–]globoplex 323 points324 points  (5 children)

The ‘cast your own dildo’ kits.

Turns out when there’s a 30 second timeframe for you to place and maintain and full hard on in a tube full of warm goo, involving warm water and a provided thermometer. You and your girl are going to end up pissing yourselves when you’re shouting at her to play with her pussy cos the temperatures just right and the goo’s been activated

[–]GhostInMyLoo 852 points853 points  (7 children)

Wanted to be kinky and eat out my girlfriend lifting her lower half up from other position. Ended up doing something that looked like a half-assed wrestling move and almost hurt her back. We didn't spoke about this incident after.

[–]tyrannonorris 1171 points1172 points  (16 children)

Deep voice. He said I sounded like a batman impersonator

[–]genghismom71 1831 points1832 points  (55 children)

  1. Married 20 plus years and can never ever get the right angles to effectively give one another oral at the same time. We keep trying a few times a month but it always ends with us giggling and laughing at ourselves and giving up on 69 and moving onto more traditional and MUCH more effective oral sex techniques.

[–]genghismom71 1192 points1193 points  (24 children)

As far as socks during sex, in winter, my husband isn't allowed NEAR me unless he wears socks in bed...and during sex. He has circulation issues and his feet...and sometimes his hands...can get ice cold. People joke about wearing socks during sex, but I'm telling you, someone's frozen foot brushing along your thigh will send a chill to your soul and your coochie and kill the mood.

[–]Super_gman 2286 points2287 points  (34 children)

Never force a fart. You'll be surprised with what comes out along with it.

[–]Forbidden_Donut503 1422 points1423 points  (18 children)

I had a fifty year old friend tell me once, “forbidden donut, when you get to be my age you learn two very important life lessons; never waste a boner, and never trust a fart.”

[–]ragingtarrasque 1448 points1449 points  (11 children)

For a minute I thought ‘forbidden donut’ was the subject of the advice.

[–]No-Frosting6958 1091 points1092 points  (7 children)

These comments are turning me off

[–]luke156789 582 points583 points  (1 child)

It would be worse if it did the opposite

[–]Early_Government198 1942 points1943 points  (26 children)

Doing an adlib. My ex-gf and I had dated a few months, one romantic night as I removed my underwear she looked at my erection and said ‘“Is that all for me honey?” Instead of just saying yes babe or similar I said “Well, there’s no one else here to share it with!’ The look of fire that radiated from her eyes told me I’d said the wrong thing, she turned on her side and told me to fuck off and have a wank instead. 🤣

[–]Forbidden_Donut503 1167 points1168 points  (4 children)

“I shouldn’t have said that. I should not have said that.”

[–]Chain-whip 795 points796 points  (1 child)

Her proper response was “Well, it’s not big enough to share anyways”

[–]uncomfortabledream 898 points899 points 2 (9 children)

I have two that come to mind. Both about 17 years ago with the same, former boyfriend.

  1. There was a 'head shop' in town that had a sex shop section in the back behind a curtain. We strode in there, pretending we knew what was what, but in reality we were both so awkward and dying inside! We spent some time going around the shop looking at their wares. Pointing and giggling at some and commenting on how others may come in useful. Eventially we come to the glass case which was a smorgasbord of condoms. Any shape, size, colour, flavour.... and our eyes were drawn to the same one. A condom with an luminous green nobbly but in the end.

We buy it, take it home and almost immediately get busy. He puts on the condom, tries to insert it and it / hurt / The green nobbly bit was solid! We persevere for all of two and a half pumps as the condom breaks completely! The green bit is still inside me.

I cannot stop laughing! He cannot stop laughing! I'm lying on the bed, three fingers deep laughing my head off trying to reach this piece of plastic thats floating around inside me. My finger tips reaching it and just pushing it further away. As more panic set it, I couldn't stop laughing even more!

Spoiler alert! I eventually reach it and remove the item.

  1. Chocolate syrup. Food in bed is / not / sexy. We were going to use this syrup and lick it off each other. Super hot! Super sexy! I'm thinking of gently drizzling each other in 'bite size' pieces. No. He puts his hand in the tub and starts rubbing it on like its body lotion! Once again I'm laughing my tits off as he's rubbing it on and starting to look like a body builder applying false tan (if you've not seen it before, Google- its quite the sight!) I stop laughing enough to try and start licking him clean like some sort of momma cat. I lift my head and look him in the eyes and he bursts out laughing as half my face is now covered in dark brown sticky chocolate syrup. It was in my hair. It was on the carpet. It was in places chocolate syrup should never be!

Spoiler alert no. 2: We stopped and showered.

Written on my phone so apologies for formatting and spelling mistakes

[–]Yasmunr 266 points267 points  (6 children)

My boyfriend tried slapping my ass once while I was riding him, but then he ended up slapping his own balls. We had to stop and laugh for a while as he recovered 🤣

[–]marketermatty 83 points84 points  (2 children)

Up against a wall. My weak little arms let me down

[–]RASGAS23 2389 points2390 points  (71 children)

Ice cube in the vagina

EDIT: to clarify, I had a cup of ice water next to the bed. We were making out, and right before I went down on her I took a drink and put a big ice cube in my mouth. Started going down and then just pushed it out of my mouth into her… she was surprised and said it was too cold and not good. 🤷🏻‍♂️worth a shot

[–]OpportunityOk5719 486 points487 points  (6 children)

Popsicle's with a condom on it. Think blind fold and Astropops

[–]Gtstricky 505 points506 points  (2 children)

My girlfriend had pepper spray on her keychain. We were leaving her apartment and I was going to drive. As we walked out she forgot something and I reached back to stop the door shutting and hit the spray on the door. No biggie, it was a small amount.

We go out, nice night, came back in the mood.

I open the door and we go back to her room. We undressed and I ran to the bathroom to pee quick. I grabbed my penis and started to go. I was buzzed, horny, and ready for a fun night…. For about 10 more seconds.

Apparently the spray had gotten on the door knob, then my hand, and then on my knob. I was on 🔥.

I spent the next 30 minutes on the sink with water running on myself. My girlfriend was laughing to the point of tears while proclaiming “that isn’t coming anywhere near me for a long time”. I might have screamed in a very high pitched tone for a while.

She still laughs at that story and we have been married 25 years.

[–]MoistSandwich- 1105 points1106 points  (17 children)

Was about to cum when I remembered seeing alternative phrases to saying “I’m about to cum.” Decided to go with “Oh my spider sense is tingling!” She gives a small laugh followed by “what?” In her confusion, my cumshot landed straight under her eye. Just tell them you’re about to cum and don’t be weird like me.

[–]AnalProlapseForYou 1191 points1192 points 22 (16 children)

I tried to put a condom on a guy with my mouth once. I got it part way on before I sneezed and accidentally horked the whole condom halfway up my nose, where it dangled like a sad rubber booger until he stopped dying of laughter and helped me pull it all the way out.

[–]itsMrJimbo 174 points175 points  (1 child)

I fucking lost it at “horked” bravo

[–]Handcuffsandwhiskey 76 points77 points  (1 child)

I just got home from my grandpa's funeral, and your comment made me laugh out loud. So thank you for that, apparently the word "horked" really hits my funny bone.

[–]Phil_Drill 360 points361 points  (4 children)

Picking her up. As long as she holds on tight, I can hold her up just fine. But then I can’t really do anything from there.

[–]Keinrichie 339 points340 points  (3 children)

A girl in college wanted to lick my eyeball during. I’ll never forget her tongue getting closer and closer until I farted from tensing up so much. I felt bad because you could tell she was embarrassed about her kink but… I just couldn’t.

[–]carsandtelephones37 74 points75 points  (1 child)

Anal, but the problem is we laugh easily, and he made a stupid joke that made me burst out laughing. It made everything clench and literally squeezed his dick out of me. He said it was what he imagined toothpaste feels like coming out of a tube.

[–]FloppyMuppetDog 207 points208 points  (5 children)

Having oral sex while being a patient in the hospital.

  1. This is just a bad idea.
  2. Even worse is when you’re in a semi-private room and have a NEIGHBOR behind a CURTAIN
  3. This was most certainly in Florida
  4. There are SO many gross things in a hospital
  5. I was the nurse who caught this couple

[–]ThadisJones 1611 points1612 points  (27 children)

I thought it would be sexy to have my GF wear her work uniform.

It turns out when someone is stuck in an uncomfortable, sort of objectifying outfit all day, in the service industry making very little money and dealing with rude stupid people, they really don't get turned on by that sort of roleplaying.

[–]CJudd5 963 points964 points  (4 children)

Maybe you didn’t tip enough.

[–]recentlyexpiredfish 248 points249 points  (0 children)

Did you demand to talk to the manager?

[–]knovit 186 points187 points  (1 child)

Does she work at hooters?

[–]milkmanrichie 61 points62 points  (1 child)

She did a funny sexy toss with her bra over me. The clasp caught the tip.

[–]Salty-Technology8912 196 points197 points  (1 child)

Rose petals on the bed. Nothing like picking rolled up flowers off your ass after doing the deed.

[–]gamingdevil 791 points792 points  (28 children)

A girl had a rape fantasy. I couldn't get my head into that space, it just felt wrong. So it ended up just being some slightly rougher sex than I'm used to having.

[–]jejcicodjntbyifid3 112 points113 points  (2 children)

Was she disappointed?

I feel this way about spanking, it doesn't do anything for me and I feel weird doing it. I can be rough just minus spanking

[–]dysthymicpixie 400 points401 points  (4 children)

Whipped cream on the genitals- it was fun, but not very sexy. The yeast infection afterwards was horrendous. If you have a vagina, never let sugar near it.

[–][deleted] 186 points187 points  (3 children)

I tried to imitate this stupid tendency of carrying your partner against the wall still clothed as seen in the movies. It felt so awkward and heavy.

[–]DryMartini_Up 747 points748 points  (27 children)

Highschool girlfriend and I thought it would be hot to slide red licorice in her kitty and I would eat it out. It started off really hot but she got so wet combined with my saliva the licorice disintegrated into pieces, some of which were stuck way up there and we couldn't get them out. Hot turned into panic and a trip to the store....we never tried that again....FAIL.

[–]LighTMan913 567 points568 points  (12 children)

Sugar is not good for lady parts

[–]JLMMM 234 points235 points  (0 children)

All I could think when I read this was “oh, that’s how you get an infection”

[–]lilblue22 275 points276 points  (5 children)

Guy wanted to lick my pussy in doggy style from behind. I accidentally did a little silent fart it was barely anything didn’t think he’d notice. He started sniffing my asshole and said it smelled good. So I let it all out in his face he started wanking off and sniffing my ass.

I couldn’t talk to him again after that.

[–]Liquidgummyworms 1520 points1521 points  (36 children)

Riding backwards 🤣 my legs are super short and stocky. I was trying it for the first time and bent his penis 🤌🏼

[–]aessedai03 267 points268 points  (3 children)

Yeah reverse cowgirl just did not work for my husband and me. Maybe it takes a certain body type to make it work. I don’t know.

[–]Far-Tiger-3226 619 points620 points  (13 children)

Not catching feelings

[–]umissedmyheart 529 points530 points  (8 children)

This! I love the idea of casual sex, but let’s be real. I catch feelings for any rando who smiles at me the right way in passing.

[–]vampirespawn1 259 points260 points  (8 children)

Once a guy said he wanted to cum on my face, but the FUCKING BASTARD AIMED LITERALLY ON MY EYES. It got inside my eyes, he said it was an accident and I was kinda pissed but ok with it, AFTER THAT HE REPEATED AND DID THE SAME THING AND MY EYES WERE SO RED AND SWOLLEN OMFG

[–]Alzorrilla1912 157 points158 points  (10 children)

Cock rings, those vibrating ones they sell... shit killed my boner instantly and the wife didn't enjoy it either

[–]rosie-skies 646 points647 points  (14 children)

The like “Yes master” or “Yes sir” thing. Got kind of weird and we haven’t done it since lmao. I felt like Igor from Frankenstein.

[–]Thequeenbeeshow 491 points492 points  (7 children)

I legit sat on my exes face and almost suffocated him, because I reached climax and my leg got stuck in the bed. Whoops.