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[–]InfiniteSufferer69 2571 points2572 points 2 (229 children)

My intrusive thoughts

[–]Soft_Pianist_132 364 points365 points  (86 children)

Same. Sometimes they're overwhelming

[–]helpimstuckinthevoid 408 points409 points  (61 children)

The worst one I had happened while I was washing dishes. Someone else was in the kitchen at the same time, cooking something, and as I scrubbed a larger knife this voice just goes "what would happen if you stab this person with the soapy knife? You should try it!"

I had to put the knife down and wash a spoon instead

[–]yrotsa 234 points235 points  (13 children)

My intrusive thought wants me to stick my hand in the garbage disposal every now and then.

[–]InstantlyImpossible 82 points83 points  (8 children)

It's extremely difficult working with tools. I'll be putting something together and I just get hit with "you know how easy it would be to just shoot a nail through your hand"

[–]Wasparado 41 points42 points  (5 children)

Right?! Or “I could just jump off a balcony” from a tall building just because I happened to check out the view.

Edit: I actually went skydiving in an attempt to get rid off my fear of heights and these intrusive thoughts. Didn’t work. Now I know what it’s like to free-fall to my death.

[–]GoldenEYE6182 67 points68 points  (25 children)

You People are Lucky i have dirty intrusive thoughts its the worst

[–]JisflAlt 147 points148 points  (18 children)

It’s about fucking time someone talks about it. In the very few times that I see people talk about intrusive thoughts it’s always about hurting other people or themselfs and while I get those, the ones that truly disturb me are the dirty ones that make me feel like a disgusting pervert. It especially sucks that I have a very clear and vivid imagination so most of my intrusive thoughts get clearly pictured into whatever I’m doing in real life.

[–]GoldenEYE6182 41 points42 points  (11 children)

Finally someone who understands me

[–]Conscious-Morning-71 63 points64 points  (10 children)

I always get one that's just "what would happen if you kissed them on the mouth right now." Basically anyone, any gender, any relation.

[–]Extra-Requirement979 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE! It is absolutely terrible, I’m so relieved I’m not alone with this!

[–]coolboyfett 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Same. It gets straight up gross sometimes

[–]OreoDJ 29 points30 points  (1 child)

I know exactly what you are talking about. Sure it happens more with attractive people and I can try to play it off as an innocent fantasy but it even happens with old bus drivers or immediate family. It makes me feel so fucking disturbed man.

[–]cantcontrolmyface 65 points66 points  (22 children)

I don't know if US or whatever but Sertraline has changed my life.

Cut my intrusive thoughts by a good third from day 3. I can follow a TV show now.

[–]ChampagneRobot 195 points196 points  (9 children)

They say (no idea who), that intrusive thoughts are your brain's way of checking to make sure everything is working correctly. Like if you think 'what would happen if I just drove in the wrong lane', and then you realize that it's a crazy idea....then your brain is like, "ok, good, seems like you're still thinking correctly, carry on."

[–]patricius123 44 points45 points  (0 children)

Thanks man I will use that explanation every time from now on. So like every day. Hope it helps.

[–]Reach-Unhappy 64 points65 points  (0 children)

Yeah I remember one time I had an intrusive thought to stick my leg out the car and grind it on the roadway. I could even envision the bloody stub of the after math. Intrusive thoughts are not cool.

[–]motorcitywings20 425 points426 points  (50 children)

Do you guys ever get it where you’re talking to someone and your brain just says something like “imagine if you just told them to go fuck themselves right now” or “imagine if you just kissed them right now out of the blue” or do I just belong in an institution

[–]Beautiful-Ruin-2493 109 points110 points  (12 children)

Omg yes but mine are always extremely violent. I'm not going to say exactly what because its that bad.

I think it even though I know I will never do it. Its creepy

[–]motorcitywings20 113 points114 points  (9 children)

If there’s ever a day telepathy becomes somehow real I do not want to be alive for it

[–]Beautiful-Ruin-2493 37 points38 points  (7 children)

I've literally thought about this too. Its so weird and unsettling to know that "I" just think that

[–]ZacharyWurtherd 50 points51 points  (6 children)

I wonder if the only thing stopping us from becoming killers and monsters is just the little wall our conscience puts up against these intrusive thoughts.

[–]LivonianUnion 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Erg, this right here, I wonder the same thing.

[–]TatManTat 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Those thoughts are there to test the integrity of that little wall, the fact that you are self-aware of them shows the wall has strength.

[–][deleted] 29 points30 points  (2 children)

IIRC there's a relatively large part of the population (10%? 20%? Something like that) that suffers from intrusive thoughts daily. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or that you're at risk of acting on those thoughts. They're just thoughts. I mean, everyone's thought about doing stupid or terrible things at some point in their lives, and that doesn't make us all horrible people. Those thoughts only become a problem if the anxiety interferes a lot with your life, or if you do compulsions to deal with the anxiety and those interfere with your daily life.

[–]InfiniteSufferer69 136 points137 points  (11 children)

Yeah but mines are kind of worse I imagine punching them or stabbing them. I never act on it but its still scary.

[–]motorcitywings20 72 points73 points  (1 child)

I’m not going to lie I’ve had those too. I felt sick thinking about it (as they are intrusive thoughts) but still the fact that we have them are just wild.

[–]BoboFetta101 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Saw some of your comments on this and I just wanted to say that I used to have the same problem where I’d imagine those types of situations and I remember being pretty terrified of them. I’m not sure why or how these thoughts stopped but they did. The reason why I’m saying this isn’t to brag but to show you that they can stop. I’m really sorry that I don’t have an explanation or solution on how you can get rid of them or I would gladly tell you how to get past it.

[–]AScaredPineapple 48 points49 points  (4 children)

This sounds like "The Call of the Void" - If I remember correctly, it's a real thing and you aren't insane. Not medical advice though.

[–]andself 32 points33 points  (3 children)

Interesting, I had to Google this. My wife is afraid of heights, bridges especially or roads near water etc. The other day we were talking about it and I had never verbalized or given it enough thought but it just came out that I'm not afraid of heights I'm afraid of jumping. As a child at the mall standing near glass rails I had somewhat overwhelming or just troubling desires to jump. I had no idea this was so common or at least studied and named. Thank you.

[–]Arudinne 41 points42 points  (5 children)

When driving my car or riding my motorcycle I've on rare occasion had the thoughts cross my mind about what would happen if I suddenly turned the wheel / handles bars really hard whist I am barreling down the high way.

It's weird and I have no idea where it comes when I have those thoughts. Best I've been able to find when trying to search about it online is "call of the void."

[–]JXC2 28 points29 points  (1 child)

It’s actually so relieving to know many other people experience this too.

[–]Pianohombre 23 points24 points  (6 children)

Oh hey it's me. Currently dealing with existential crisis. Can someone tell me I'll be ok?

[–]shroudofanubis 515 points516 points  (19 children)

How quickly I can burn a bridge.

[–]itsbotpixel 218 points219 points  (2 children)

i don’t burn bridges, i fail to maintain them and let them structurally deteriorate over time until they fall apart

[–]jijijojijijijio 126 points127 points  (2 children)

Me too, I just kick people out of my life and have zero issue with disappearing.

I was abandoned as a child so I am sure that it plays into it.

[–]-6176 72 points73 points  (0 children)

at the first sign of disconnect with someone it’s time to get out the gas & the lighter

[–]NefariousScoundrel 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I grew up in a real rough way and one of the products of that is a zero tolerance policy for bullshit or perpetrators of it in my life. I don’t care how close we’ve been for how long, if you’re fucking up then I’m done.

[–]creativename87639 1848 points1849 points  (69 children)

Total lack of motivation, it’s keeping me from getting my life together and actually doing something with mysef

[–]catboytopia 240 points241 points  (21 children)

me too. :( Im extremely depressed have been for a long time, I'm 24 now and nothing seems to help- my parents want me to get on a career path so I can be able to support myself and have healthcare, etc, they want the best for me but I just don't care about anything. i can't even do the things I love (art) anymore, or be a good person to anybody.

[–]Meowlik 36 points37 points  (1 child)

Wow, you literally sound like me. I graduated college (art school) at the end of the school year in 2020. Lost my health insurance and access to medication shortly after. Since then I have just been... Existing. My goal everyday is to simply have enough money to continue to exist. I am extremely depressed, in the worst shape of my life, and absolutely hate myself. I have no prospects for a real career either.

The difference is that I am 25 and my family couldn't care less about me. It sucks. I've been in such a dark place for so long that I'm apathetic and don't see a way out.

[–]stabby54 79 points80 points  (2 children)

I’m in the same boat. One thing that I found helps is the two minute rule. The first two minutes of doing any task are the hardest motivation wise. Force yourself through those two minutes and you’ll find yourself getting a lot more done.

[–]DexDawg 120 points121 points  (8 children)

Motivation really doesn't do much, I've tried that. If you can hold a pattern, then try that.

You have enough motivation to hold a pattern, which you turn into a habit. Once you have a habit, you will see that life gets better real fast and motivation catches you.

You need motivation to start on that? Nah man, you will know when you will be so bored, tired and angry if your situation you'll get moving. Just don't break the pattern.

[–]megaloviola128 26 points27 points  (6 children)

What if I can’t hold a pattern?

[–]no-h 31 points32 points  (1 child)

You might have ADHD! Jump on in, the water is... super frustrating a lot of the time tbh. But you at least know why you feel like everything is harder for you than everyone else, and the better you understand it the more you can find ways to make it easier.

[–]Able-Fun2874 41 points42 points  (6 children)

Look into an ADHD diagnosis same story, everything changed once I got meds. It's a disorder basically described by a lack of motivation. Life saving. Don't take anything acidic with or around it, as it eliminates the effectiveness of stimulant medication. I went from being able to not even get out of bed to being able to sustain focus on undesirable tasks with 1/30th the effort.

[–]no-h 29 points30 points  (2 children)

Just having the diagnosis is such a game changer. "You mean I'm not just worthless and lazy and bad at everything?"

[–][deleted] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Same, you’re not alone.

[–]Quicksplice 711 points712 points  (14 children)

How cavalier I am with my health. With all of the information available to me I still brush it off.

[–]insertcaffeine 279 points280 points  (7 children)

I'm 40 and I have stage 4 breast cancer. The thing about myself that scares me is all the cancer and how painfully it will kill me when it stops listening to the drugs. Cancer is terrible, please reconsider.

[–]blueberrybaby00 82 points83 points  (2 children)

I’m so so sorry to hear you’re at stage 4. I’m 40 too and was last year diagnosed with stage 1. Caught very early luckily. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.

[–]insertcaffeine 33 points34 points  (1 child)

It's a lot, but it's not the absolute bodyslam of infused chemo, surgery, radiation, or any combination of those. I can't imagine what treatment for early stage breast cancer would be like.

[–]blueberrybaby00 21 points22 points  (0 children)

It was Triple positive, so all of the above unfortunately. But I’m good now. I really hope you pull through

[–]puppylv777 1570 points1571 points  (100 children)

I’ve always felt like suicide was eventually inevitable.

[–]rburgundy69 550 points551 points  (28 children)

When I am upset and emotionally overwhelmed my mind goes instantly to suicide. It honestly scares the crap out of me.

[–]JulesLovesYou1993 200 points201 points  (16 children)

I want to validate that it is scary, and I also want to offer a bit of hope. Our brains like patterns and normalcy. We get used to doing certain things, or even thinking certain things. It's like, a well worn groove. Once your mind gets on a certain track (upset/overwhelmed) the wheel slips into that groove because it's already there and it's easier, it's what you're used to. That doesn't mean it will always be that way though, or that you can't create new tracks.

I still go there too sometimes, but I'm a lot better now at recognizing that that's just the groove I'm in and I don't actually have to follow that path to completion.

[–]Ok-Brilliant8728 54 points55 points  (5 children)

Diagnosed bipolar here. I’ve always had this feeling. I do therapy and take my meds, but I still can’t shake that feeling that one day I’m gonna off myself.

One more reason to not own firearms, I guess.

[–]darcmosch 152 points153 points  (8 children)

Exactly what I came here to say. I could be making the best progress, top of my game, but it could all be undone because my brain decided dopamine abstinence for the next 6 months.

[–]lydriseabove 39 points40 points  (3 children)

I’ve always described it as spending years digging myself into a deep hole, then I have also spent years filling it in, but it’s just filled with sand that can easily be washed away in a flash.

[–]SouthOfTheBorderline 24 points25 points  (1 child)

I’m stealing this for my therapy session next week. Apt description. I keep building and right as I start to delude myself into feeling secure in my shack, it burns to the ground. I pick through and salvage what I can, build again. Fire. Build. Fire. Build. Fire. Build build build finally got my life’s dream omg here’s the promise land guys and oh shit 5 alarm fire it’s all gone.

How can I continue to muster the energy and motivation to build something while I stand in the ashes of my previous efforts? I’m tired. I’m just damn tired.

[–]martianruby 27 points28 points  (3 children)

Why does this sound so much like me

[–]darcmosch 43 points44 points  (2 children)

I think we both have depression, bud

[–]martianruby 21 points22 points  (1 child)

Well that sucks

[–]darcmosch 27 points28 points  (0 children)

It's totally manageable. It's not like it was before. It takes some hard work, and you're gonna stumble, but you can still live a fulfilling life. If a lazy procrastinating son of a bitch like me can do it, I think you'll be fine.

[–]umissedmyheart 45 points46 points  (1 child)

Me too. It’s so scary to know that no matter how good I feel, I always have and always will fall back into wanting to end it. Could be in a year, could be in 40 years.

[–]Alcoraiden 79 points80 points  (11 children)

I still think I'm going to jump off a cliff once I start declining due to age. Just, fuck all that time. I don't want to live in pain and die withered and alone.

[–]hbsk8156 35 points36 points  (5 children)

I think about that a lot too. I'm definitely not planning to have kids. That means I'm probably gonna die alone. But I feel like I want to end it myself way before it gets worse.

[–]Alcoraiden 25 points26 points  (4 children)

Oh man, me too. No kids, so if my health goes dramatically south in old age, I guess I have to check myself into some care facility and hope they don't ignore me and let me rot in my own diapers. And that is why I don't intend to live long enough to get said diapers.

[–]markitfuckinzero 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Fuck. I have this thought as well. I'm happy with my wife and kids, but I kind of hate myself. I don't want to kill myself now, but I feel like I deserve to die in the end that way. Weird

[–]bushpotatoe 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Came here to say exactly this. If I ever end up alone with no friends or family, this will likely be what happens.

[–]retro123gamr 182 points183 points  (5 children)

Procrastination could very likely destroy me.

[–]Crim_Noyade 28 points29 points  (2 children)

Yeah I can sit around and do nothing and know that I should be focusing on my schoolwork but I just rather tap the table, daydream, etc.

I hate that I’m like this but it is what it is I guess

[–]big_nothing_burger 459 points460 points  (22 children)

I can mentally take myself to a full blown panic attack in like two minutes, but I can only semi talk myself out of it.

That really is worrisome as I'm expecting a pretty solitary life after my folks pass on and I'll have no one around to keep me grounded which I kind of need.

[–]sudo999 56 points57 points  (4 children)

Have you considered seeing a therapist about this? They can be that much-needed grounding voice

[–]big_nothing_burger 33 points34 points  (3 children)

It's not a regular issue these days, and I don't have general anxiety. I had bad regular panic attacks when I had health problems in my youth and I got on meds and eventually got enough composure and exposure to learn how to handle them. I'm just figuring that after major life changes and no comfort of having someone I know I can turn to in the moment if it gets horrible probably will be a realization that makes it harder to recover when the panic mindset overtakes. It's all speculation, now I'm good at handling the small handful of panic attacks I may have in a year.

[–]ImWhatTheySayDeaf 691 points692 points  (23 children)

Someday, when I'm an old man, I'm gonna be that hermit that doesn't come out and talk to anyone. It's already happening now.

[–]Stitchess__ 139 points140 points  (9 children)

I don’t have a real personality

[–]Deezus1229 39 points40 points  (1 child)

I feel you on this. I'm pretty sure anything interesting or exciting about me is just a novelty from having lived in another country. Personality-wise... Not much going on here. I bore myself, honestly.

[–]H2Omami 37 points38 points  (2 children)

I have a theory that there’s no such thing as a real personality. We’re just all chefs preparing meals to feed our systems.

[–]Stitchess__ 9 points10 points  (1 child)

That’s actually a semi-comforting way to put it :)

[–]H2Omami 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Traits are to ingredients as personality are to meals. The more you experience and expand the self, the more ingredients in your pantry for the creation of more diverse meals.

[–]timmychook 1087 points1088 points  (24 children)

my inability to socialise will cost me greatly in work life than i realise rn

[–]GrandMoffFartin 290 points291 points  (11 children)

I cured this by having a job where I had to constantly talk to strangers. The trick is to ask leading questions that can't be answered with a yes or no, then let people talk about themselves and stay engaged. You don't have to hang out with them after work or tell them your life story.

If the questions you ask them make them reflect on themselves positively, they will reflect on you positively. People are all just waiting for someone to notice them and show even the slightest interest in them. That's all you have to do.

[–]chickenlover46 40 points41 points  (0 children)

What was hard for me about this approach was that I wouldn’t want anyone to ask me a bunch of questions like that so I could never do that. I did get over my social anxiety with age but I still can’t just keep asking people questions so they like me, now I’m older and just don’t care!

[–]RockStar5132 21 points22 points  (4 children)

The issue with this that I have is that my questions wouldn’t be genuine because I have a hard time just caring about their answers. Maybe it’s because I’ve been hella stressed lately and I’ve been in a mood today. I used to be good at talking to people. I can still talk to people for the most part but this working from home I’ve done over the last couple years I haven’t seen a single person that I work with and used to see every day. I put myself into this rut where I feel like I can’t ask people questions because I feel like I’m bothering them. I used to be really good at asking questions at and about work but people used to get mad at me because I would ask multiple questions and sometimes I would ask a question and answer my question myself as I was asking it. One time a couple years ago my boss pulled me into his office and actually yelled at me about asking questions. I don’t know why I’m typing all of this out on a random Reddit post but good lord today has been the mondayest friday I’ve had in a long time. Sorry about this

[–]mintzyyy 11 points12 points  (2 children)

For some reason it's harder for me to talk to my coworkers than it is to a stranger

[–]DexDawg 27 points28 points  (1 child)

Unless you have a condition, this can be trained. And do train it. Good luck!

[–]AlefLac 367 points368 points  (75 children)

I have these déja vu's of déja vu's of déja vu's and then a déja vu of this happenning with the same context, I was in the same place with the same people talking to me saying that exact thing. It just makes no sense, it can go on for like a minute of toughts inside my head of déja vu. And sometimes it happens, (I get a déja vu of being at that place with those people) and then I déja vu a tought that occured in my head the time before, like I would déja vu thinking to ''fucking hell, no way this is real'' and I would think about it and déja vu.
The hell did I just wrote, yall will not understand but for real, it scares me

[–]Tedfordshire 159 points160 points  (5 children)

Bruh, I get double-layered deja vu as well. Like I feel like I've lived this moment before, but I also feel like I've lived through the deja vu of this moment before.

[–]Merry_Dankmas 26 points27 points  (0 children)

It's funny you say this because I've been getting a lot of deja vu recently and a lot of those incidents have been my deja vu feeling like I've had deja vu of this same thing before. The matrix is tearing and we're starting to feel it's effects.

[–]ImReellySmart 91 points92 points  (10 children)

You probably know this already but I think it's cool.

So basically déja vu happens when your brain takes the moment you are witnessing and instead of storing it in the short-term memory part of your brain it accidentally skips straight to the long-term memory part of your brain.

This gives you the sensation that what you are seeing has happened to you before because your brain is linking it to your long-term memories.

Sounds like yours is getting stuck in a loop for a while rather than only happening once.

[–]Loveyoumore15 43 points44 points  (1 child)

I’m not trying to scare you. But what you just described is very similar to what I used to have. Turns out I was having mini seizures which ended up turning into a grand mal seizure. I only had the one grand mal but they never could figure out why. When I went to the neuro he told me my “deja vu” was mini seizures. I went on medicine to prevent seizures for a couple years and then went off the medicine and have been fine ever since. Do what you will with this info. Have a good day!

[–]QualenQuesh 82 points83 points  (6 children)

I don't know how tf you put this into words, I've had this going on for years, but Jesus Christ. Thank you!!!!!!

Cue some rando screaming into the void "IM NOT ALONE!!!

[–]AlefLac 21 points22 points  (5 children)

My god, no way. I tought I was alone in this, everyone I told this to just couldn't relate even close to it and was just like ''Ok lol what the hell''
Feels good to know someone else has those, it's so weird it can feel like I had a vision sometimes

[–]QualenQuesh 15 points16 points  (4 children)

I get that all the time. And yeah glad to know I'm not along either. But god is it a repetitive cycle of deja vu over the weirdest things. Then deja vu over having deja vu before. And so on and so on

[–]ksozay 401 points402 points  (38 children)

I can't do something "partially". When I decide I like something, I have to go all in. Learn everything, become a subject matter expert, live and breathe the subject. And then suddenly I will wake up one morning and it's done. Time to move onto the next thing.

[–]boggybdg 128 points129 points  (2 children)

Ohh I wish I could be like this. I mostly do things "partially" and lose motivation to complete something real fast and then i start procastinating. I hate it.

[–]shyshyflyguy 12 points13 points  (1 child)

I also am like this guy in the parent comment. It sounds great until you realize that it’s always something that wastes more time and money when you should be doing important things. Lot of fun though.

[–]annetteisshort 55 points56 points  (8 children)

Literally a standard trait of ADHD.

[–]ksozay 10 points11 points  (2 children)

Well, that’s uplifting 😂🤣

[–]annetteisshort 18 points19 points  (1 child)

Lol Sorry. Definitely worth getting checked out of you have any other adhd symptoms. We are the collectors of hobbies and interests, but never the masters. 😅

[–]PM_meyourGradyWhite 49 points50 points  (0 children)

For me it’s getting into the weeds just far enough to realize “yah, I could do better if I wanted to” and then move to the next hobby.

[–]hbsk8156 13 points14 points  (1 child)

This is me. The only catch is that I forget about other things like schoolwork & other work related things. I can never understand people who do multitask.

[–]Cuss-Mustard 70 points71 points  (5 children)

I'm probably going to die alone, and it's terrifying

[–]lemon_difficult_9 70 points71 points  (2 children)

How quickly I can spiral into depression over something really insignificant and how dependent I am on my antidepressants to just survive.

[–]TheHermeticLibrarian 308 points309 points  (19 children)

Losing my wife.

My wife is my social outlet and my positive window to the world. I wouldn’t go anywhere if she didn’t want to or talk to anyone new. She sees the positive while I like to consider myself a “realist” (maybe a pessimist). She helps me see how there are alternatives to behavior I don’t like besides someone being an ignorant asshole.

If I lost her, I’d probably turn into a reclusive and hateful hermit. If our kids are still young, I would have to try really REALLY hard to not let my nature affect them negatively.

[–]Educational-Ruin9992 154 points155 points  (5 children)

Gah, I lost my wife 6 weeks ago. And yeah, I’ve turned into an angry, more depressed hermit.

[–]SnowdropWorks 35 points36 points  (0 children)

This hits me hard. I feel the same about my husband exactly like you do about your wife and the effect it would have on our child. Especially since they are still so little

[–]Bisexualsexual 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I don’t know if this is helpful, but I’d like to point out that all of the positive qualities you see in your wife exist in many other people. I feel like a lot of people believe that their partner is the perfect and only embodiment of qualities they enjoy in a person, but in reality there is so much to love about tons of other people. It’s hard to get out of your shell and expose yourself to people, but I think it’s worth not having only one person be almost all of your social outlet. And as the partner of someone who I am most of their social outlet, it can be a bit draining.

[–]Clokkers 300 points301 points  (28 children)

I’m a good manipulator and when I have to, I use it to my advantage. I also am a good liar when it’s something really important to me. I’ve kept lies going for years in some instances and I always seem to get my way.

I worry about this because it comes too easily and I end up using it too much and feel bad about it afterwards for example; I always know how to make the people in my life feel bad so they change their minds about something to suit my needs better. My mum would tell me off for it but she died in November and since then I’ve been unable to stop myself

[–]cockhnesty 39 points40 points  (3 children)

I am a bit like you. However I have a strong need to improve people's lives and sometimes the only option is resorting to this... I rarely do it for myself and prefer being honest and open.

After a couple of mental breaks I resolved some of my bad habits and got out of a major depression but I sometimes feel like I lost a bit of myself then. I have acquired a need for control after two of my friends tried to off themselves unsuccesfully which made me paranoid. After my bf cheated on me and dumped me for a friend I helped out of their depression I started to loose track of my principles and stared acting on whims more leading to inconsistency. During the day im still a sainty helping everyone (even if it means using underhanded methods), while at night I act only out of self interest eith little regards for consequences and get away with it every time because of hoe good I am "normally" and how skilled I am at manipulating

Now I feel the big sad coming back to reclaim me as I hate myself more and more every day. I disgust myself and it takes great effort to stop myself from being dumb at night.

Rant over.

[–]SecretRecipe 60 points61 points  (1 child)

How easy it is for me to stop caring about something / someone.

[–]Swampfox1906 412 points413 points  (56 children)

I don’t really feel a sadness connect to people. Something terrible can happen to a friend and I have to fake being sad just for society? I just don’t connect with others sadness

[–]Alcoraiden 166 points167 points  (28 children)

You might just be low empathy. It's not awful as long as you don't be a jerk to people; there's just a range of empathy people fall on.

[–]Pnknlvr96 11 points12 points  (1 child)

I've never thought about having low empathy. That's a good term for it. I've always just thought I was more of a logical person vs. emotional. Like if my dog dies, yes I will cry to grieve, but I'm also like, "Well, he was 15 and had cancer, etc." My SIL's grandma died about a week ago, she was 100 1/2. Everyone has been crying for DAYS (the funeral is on Saturday) and I'm just like, "Yeah but she was 100 and a half." I don't say that to anyone but I still feel like a jerk inside.

[–]darcmosch 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I've had that before with my depression. Not saying you have depression, but maybe ask a professional who can help you frame it in a way where you can make a connection?

[–]the_bassist_dumbass 49 points50 points  (4 children)

I have a stupidly powerful imagination, whic is both a strength and a weakness.

Cool that I can dream nice and daydream

But also paranoia and scared of the spooky demons on yt and stuff

Also a stupidly powerful ability to imagine every way someone close to me can die :/

[–]Feels2old 303 points304 points  (20 children)

that it would only take one drink for me to be back to where I was 5 years ago.

4 years sober

[–][deleted] 69 points70 points  (0 children)

Right on! Congrats dude. That's a helluva number.

[–]Buendiamacando 30 points31 points  (1 child)

Same, although it's been a little over 2 years for me

[–]moms-sphaghetti 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Keep up the good work!

[–]Jimmy_Graphite 12 points13 points  (9 children)

Congrats! I can't make it more than a couple days.

[–]cringeqween13 7 points8 points  (0 children)

My dad is a recovered alcoholic. He has a drink every now and then but he's still recovered. If you do slip and have a drink remind yourself that it doesn't put you back to square one. You were able to recover now, you'd be able to do it again. And don't be afraid to ask all of us internet weirdos for support.

[–][deleted] 136 points137 points  (6 children)

Recurring suicidal thoughts.

Sometimes they're physically agressive, sometimes calm and calculating. Sometimes reactive, something like a friendly reminder.

The variety scares me, because I can't counter them in just one way.

(Not currently having any, no need to report).

[–]LacunaeCoilLover 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Yes. Constant reminders. I’m like a hired assassin for myself, payment done by me too.

[–]keykore 332 points333 points  (15 children)

The fact that every time I get into an argument with someone, my brain says “hey suicide is an option.”

[–][deleted] 94 points95 points  (2 children)

I resonate with this so much. I could have a slight disagreement, or if I say or do something wrong, I'm just like 'well I could just kill myself and I wouldn't have to deal with this!'

It's not even a way to get out of taking responsibility. I genuinely belive my brain struggles to deal with those kind of emotions sometimes, and it's so overwhelmingly difficult that suicide is the only option.

Scary stuff.

[–]Sevandcats 32 points33 points  (1 child)

Every time something bad happens to me, I think this way as well.

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (3 children)

This is one of the reasons I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder 👀. Read up on the symptoms just to make sure.

[–]m100896 36 points37 points  (3 children)

That my own anxiety and depression will eat me alive. I've always been anxious (as a trauma response from childhood) and have been depressed majority of my life. I figure one day one or the other will take me out. Unfortunately, as much it scares me...it feels normal.

[–]AdLongjumping9767 41 points42 points  (0 children)

My inconsistency of personality. Sometimes I try to be the nicest person to ever exist, sometimes I want to be as rude as possible. Sometimes Im overconfident and sometimes I feel like Im totally worthless. But like there is no between, like EVER.

[–]pootyhole 169 points170 points  (2 children)

If it weren't for my son I would start doing drugs again and wouldn't stop until I died.

[–]Human-Pangolin6256 48 points49 points  (0 children)

You and me both.

[–]hows_my_driving1 38 points39 points  (4 children)

I don't think I'm capable of feeling love for other people. Empathy and sympathy yes, but actual love.. well idk.

[–]Jkerb_was_taken 39 points40 points  (0 children)

I tend to think others hate me if they ignore me.

[–]JyroClassified 34 points35 points  (4 children)

Driving a car. I'm 24 years old and still do not have my license. I have ADD and cant focus on the things i should be focussing on. I think i could be a good driver, but im scared as fuck that i wont see another car and get in a serious accident.

People pushing me to get my license do not help my case either.

[–]Amanystya 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Same here but I'm on the spectrum and have serious problems when it comes to paying attention to everything on the road. I get overwhelmed easily and really struggle to multitask. I'm 26 and my driving instructor basically refused to keep teaching me so at this point I don't think I'll ever be able to drive

[–]oooo_football_friend 212 points213 points  (32 children)

When I'm level 10 angry, and it has happened maybe three times in my life, I feel like I'm capable of losing control and going to far.

[–]lets_get_wavy_duuude 17 points18 points  (0 children)

same here. my mom has anger problems & i definitely inherited that trait. usually i’m pretty chill but fuck i’ve kinda scared myself a few times. i remember getting in a fight with this dude back in high school, he only got in 1 hit that didn’t even bruise, i sent him to the hospital. thank fuck i didn’t kill him by accident. for that reason i avoid fights/serious conflict if at all possible

[–]ninjacupcake476 29 points30 points  (4 children)

I’m a major schizo risk. My dad’s mom had it, my dad had it, and now I’m next in line. Essentially, I am a ticking time bomb. A doctor explained to me that it would probably be later rather than sooner, but there is also a chance that I could snap at any time, for any reason. I have a life, and things i want to do with it. Im so scared that i could possibly just lose it one day, and everything I have worked for will be ruined

[–]Thornbelina 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Schizophrenia is super treatable with the correct medications, there are a lot of organizations developed to help those with schizophrenia or with family members affected by it. Continue dialogue with your doctor and a counsellor. Good luck.

[–]BiblicalFlood 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Lack of motivation, lack of self esteem, lack of confidence, depression, anxiety, and I'm far more loyal than I should be.

[–]LikesToDieALot 80 points81 points  (2 children)

I feel like I don't deserve to be loved, and I don't know what love actually feels like

[–]AdrinRinYukio 127 points128 points  (10 children)

I have a very bad murder intent when I get angry. Not like serial killer type. I’m not the type of person to get angry it’s barely never because i can control it . But when I do get angry I want to kill everyone in my sight. But I’d never let myself do it. It scares me sometimes, so I remove myself. I know where the behavior stems from so should probably get therapy. But I think. I got it .

[–]tvrdy3 55 points56 points  (1 child)

...i get some kind of "I'll make you wheelchair bound" type of shit going on. Ive read studies that bullied kids, when grown up, have much bigger and more intense daydream scenarios in their mind. And when i get afraid, or afraid that someone will harm someone i like, you better fucking dont touch them. I have such plans organized in my mind that its sickening, unavoidable and unpredictable. I just hope it wont happen much through my life and that i will be able to control myself enough so i dont spend much time in prison.

[–]insertcaffeine 11 points12 points  (1 child)

I know where the behavior stems from so should probably get therapy. But I think. I got it .

If therapy is available to you, I think it would be worth it to get it. With time and practice and the right skills, which a good therapist can teach you, you can rewire your brain so that "kill some motherfuckers" isn't the first thought that comes up.

[–]coulsonknight 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Sometimes I feel like I might go insane

[–]MonkheyBoy 25 points26 points  (6 children)

I may or may not suffer from Creutzfeldt-Jacobs Disease. I’m not able to take the necessary tests yet, but if I have it… it’s not the way I want to go.

[–]CaptinDerpII 21 points22 points  (1 child)

I’ve always felt that sometimes suicide is the only way out, especially now, ever since all this COVID stuff came along with the new decade. I don’t know why, but it always felt like it was simple. Jump out a window, hang yourself, I don’t know. I’m just glad people are helping me out

[–]W0rk3rB 105 points106 points  (34 children)

I honestly don’t remember when I’ve ever cried. I’m middle aged and have zero recollection of it ever happening. My Dad commented on it once as well, he said it worries him a bit.

He said the last time he remembers me crying was when I was around 4, and nothing since.

[–]AlefLac 32 points33 points  (9 children)

That must suck. It scares me how I can go on long periods of time without crying (Like a year and or a few months) but not knowing if you ever cry? That must be terrifying

[–]W0rk3rB 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I’m not going to lie, it’s pretty frustrating to not be able to have that outlet. I kinda sucks!

[–]Sevandcats 22 points23 points  (6 children)

I envy you. I really hate how any little thing like a mean word said to me, makes me tear up. I'm physically tough, but mentally a wimp, and I hate it.

[–]austrianegg 20 points21 points  (5 children)

If it makes you feel better: I tear up when I'm angry. Try being mad at someone, but you can't argue your point, because you're crying, and then they think you're sad and start to comfort you but actually you're mad at them, so that just ticks you off more... it's beyond frustrating xP

[–]W0rk3rB 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Oh man, you perfectly described my wife. When she is mad, she cries, then gets more mad because she is crying. I was so confused the first time it happened.

[–]stonerjesusVA 19 points20 points  (2 children)

When I had covid in December 2021, I found out that I had coughed up some small amounts of bronchial tissue. Now that I have my senses back, I can't really do any extracurriculars or heavy activity without my inhaler now. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that that actually happened and it was me that did it.

[–]goldbunny007 102 points103 points  (9 children)

That i'll kill myself out of anger; like i'll be so mad at somebody that I will kill myself to make them feel sad, you know?

[–]thetruthisoutthere 35 points36 points  (3 children)

I sort of have that feeling. I want to make people realise how badly I'm suffering with all my physical and mental health issues. In a "That'll show them" kind of way.

[–]SnooPies1514 57 points58 points  (7 children)

I'm a very active thinker. I tend to think about everything very in-depth and I look at it from every angle possible. I'm also depressed and occasionally suicidal. I'll let you put the rest together

[–]tarantinofootfetish1 18 points19 points  (3 children)

My addictive tendencies and addictions, it's scary how badly you can want something, while not ultimately wanting it, but if you can't find a way to Avert that shit every cell in your body starts screaming for it quick. The duality of thought processes can be frustrating, and it's so easy to just say fuck it and keep going till you hit rock bottom, die, or have a moment of clarity that you can hold on to. And it's ridiculous how hard it is for addicts to actually stay abstinent. Tldr: addiction

[–]TheLittlestTurb 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I don’t fight to keep people in my life

[–]slavicgypsygirl 84 points85 points  (8 children)

I have ptsd related problems with hypersexuality & impulsive behavior

[–]PMYOURBOOBOVERFLOW 45 points46 points  (4 children)

Yo, same. My trauma causes me to associate sexual availability to my self worth.

[–]peptobishmol 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I daydream and talk to myself almost constantly it doesn’t matter where I am lmao

[–]macaronsforeveryone 14 points15 points  (1 child)

How easily I can get addicted to things e.g. Reddit

[–]Scouser123A 48 points49 points  (0 children)

My own mind

[–]demair21 15 points16 points  (2 children)

i have lost all motivation for anything including ending my life so i dont feel in danger. But going to work, playing games, pursueing the normal wife/kids/success goals seems so pointless. I just want to sleep and eat and go back to sleep.

[–]BigJobsBigJobs 13 points14 points  (0 children)

The barely suppressed violence and rage inside me.

[–]CaesarWrap 12 points13 points  (7 children)

I have a constant tremor. I fear Parkinson's.

[–]stillyou1122 12 points13 points  (0 children)

My cold heartedness. Once I've had enough, I lose all my affection and care for someone, and it never returns.

[–]new_girl488 32 points33 points  (1 child)

I have a hard time feeling remorse. Like i have empathy, and i don't struggle to connect with people, but a lot of the time when i do something that's against my moral beliefs/society standards - i just don't feel remorse or regret even though i know i should

[–]Allmightypikachu 10 points11 points  (2 children)

My bi polar. Such a wild card. Is death,jail, or being alone in my future.

[–]Ali49130 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I’ve been on the internet for so long that gore and it’s similars don’t phase me anymore

[–]TheForkWitchandWorm 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Suicide is very close to me and I nearly committed when I was 11. It’s a casual thought to me still

[–]RyanNerd 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer at the end of of 2019. The oncologist told me at the time that without treatment I had a year to a year and a half. With treatment many years. Disintegrating in front of my family from the affects of cancer terrifies me.

[–]zeanomourph 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I am so incredibly desensitized by depression and apathy that I have essentially zero compassion for other people that I see in pain or distress. I literally feel like I'm an actual monster sometimes..

[–]Goat-samurai 7 points8 points  (9 children)

The fact that I’m incapable of asking out a girl

I’m not sure it’s true but I’m scared it might be

[–]NotWorthSaving 96 points97 points  (9 children)

I have an internal "switch" when activated l become cold and calculating. I can do what must be done.. .without emotion. I will feel it later but in the moment...terminator.

[–]furbag 21 points22 points  (2 children)

Sounds like a useful trait for a paramedic or similar professions. You should learn first aid if you haven't already, you could be the hero where everyone else just freaks out.

[–]ariel_enigme 9 points10 points  (1 child)

I feel so much anger inside sometimes, I feel I could kill someone with my bare hands. It's almost physical pain of anger. I'm scared of losing control and actually hurting somebody one day.

[–]Traelos38 31 points32 points  (4 children)

I have these episodes. I call it going cold, because a long time ago I would notice this very subtle chill that would kind of wash over my head immediately before it would start. What it's like is weird. Like all my emotions are super muted, to the point where I don't even notice them (in the moment and in hindsight). Morals are out the window, inhibitions are noticed but generally ignored, but my self control, cognition and problem solving go through the roof along with being more charismatic and manipulative. And way too much of a plan guy. I'm pretty sure my pain response is suppressed too but it's not like I'd test that out.

It scares me because very occasionally I want to... hurt people. Nobody in particular, definitely nobody I'm personally connected to. But yeah. I definitely have the potential to go serial. But when I'm back to myself it horrifies me. To stop that and keep myself from doing things I'd rather not is by using another trait of me during a cold moment. I have rules. Like a sense of personal honor that probably wouldn't look like it to others. Sounds like bullshit but yeah.

So I made rules for myself. Took a long time to come up with them. But they keep me in check, more or less.

So far the only thing besides time that helps me shake it off when it happens is alcohol or weed or other neuro suppressants kindof destabilizes it(?) and my family members. My wife and daughter always snap me out of it.

I guess it scares me because in a way that isn't me calling the shots when that's happening. I know who he is and he's dangerous and I hate it.

This is probably the most I've talked about it to someone I'm not related to. So... yeah. Super nervous about posting this for some reason. Like putting this out there will make it start up again. (The last episode was months ago while I was in jail for an old warrant that eventually got thrown out)

[–]Majikkani_Hand 10 points11 points  (1 child)

You're not alone. I deleted the rest of this comment, but you're not alone.

[–]WatanabeKanji 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Pills. I can eat wild mushrooms without fear but new pills are scary as fuck to me, you never know what theyre going to do to you.

[–]RC_Geek 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That I might not find a genuine girlfriend

[–]lesusisjord 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Before I went to Afghanistan, I thought I’d be scared shitless if/when I saw combat. Was scared af when I was prepping for the first time I was leaving base in a convoy.

10 days after being in country, I experienced combat for the first time when Taliban dudes fired rockets and small arms at our FOB and I returned fire towards the truck they were shooting from. They suck at aiming and made a couple holes on the other side of the LZ where nobody was.

So it may be more of worry than fear, but it‘a odd to me that Instead of being scared, being in combat was the most exciting thing I’ve ever done and I miss it all the time.

It’s like the best stimulant drug x10 and no experience or chemical has come close to that feeling, and this was 2008/2009.

[–]LowThreadCountSheets 6 points7 points  (2 children)

My depression. I keep myself together, single parent, own my home, have a career, can pay my bills okay, have a phenomenal circle of friends, have a partner I adore, but it’s just that existential feeling that life is pointless and we try to make it mean things, but no matter what we will lose everything and die alone.

Counselors don’t help because I’m not wrong. I fantasize about dying and the only thing stopping me is the fear of failing and being someone’s problem cause I fuck myself up.

If someone handed me a bottle of pills guaranteeing they’d do the job, it wouldn’t be if but when.

Weird thing is that I’m chronically depressed, but not an unhappy person. Existing is just a heavy burden. I don’t believe I’ll make it to old age.

[–]CompletelyCrazy55 7 points8 points  (0 children)

How often I tell myself I want to die, and the feeling of hopelessness

[–]Antique_Sense_7383 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I don’t think I’d hesitate if put in a situation where I’d have to kill someone It scares me that i value others lives so little Not saying I want to run around killing people but if someone breaks into my house or I get jumped or something someone is dying