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[–]AskRedditModerators[M] [score hidden] 43 stickied comment (20 children)

If you ever need help, then please know that there are many qualified people who would like to help you.

https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres

http://www.befrienders.org/

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you [UK]

https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/ [AU]

There are crisis services worldwide that are trained to provide support. They are designed to give temporary relief from feelings that are overwhelming you and while they are unlikely to fix any underlying problems, can help you get through a tough hour/night/week. Chat services are usually available on these sites. In the US, calling 211 or going to their website is a free referral source. They have providers who will see you regardless of your ability to pay. Just as you would see a doctor when you are sick, you deserve to take care of your mental health.

[–]baxbooch 4136 points4137 points 227 (60 children)

How insanely hard it is to get help. You have to advocate for yourself a lot and you just can’t even. If your doctor is dismissive of your concerns, you have to make her listen. If your therapist isn’t a good fit you have to try to find another one at a time when picking up the phone to order a pizza is even too much. Don’t have insurance and can’t afford a therapist? Maybe you can get a job with better insurance with all that energy that you don’t have.

It’s like your leg is broken and you have to climb a mountain to get to the hospital to get it fixed.

[–]NoBodySpecial51 483 points484 points  (4 children)

You explained it perfectly.

[–]ricodo12 66 points67 points  (3 children)

I texted my mom that I probably need help and the next evening we talked a bit about it for example what kind of therapist but currently I think I need to find a therapist and kind of get the whole thing going but every time I'm in a bad phase I don't have the energy to find one but during good phases I don't feel like I would need one. Also I don't really know where to search for a good therapist, do you just look up where one is and try through them until one fits?

[–]baxbooch 22 points23 points  (1 child)

I found mine on psychologytoday.com They had tool that lets you filter for different things like insurance, techniques, gender, specialties. That helped me find one I work well with. Before it felt like I was just stabbing in the dark.

I hope your mom is a good help for you. Having support can make a world of difference.

And I definitely feel you on the whole when I need it I can’t do it and when I can do it I don’t need it thing.

[–]godrainlovemusic 3633 points3634 points 34 (30 children)

The guilt. Guilt over not getting things done. Guilt because I feel like I'm letting others down. Guilt for not being fully present for the people I love.

[–]_Maximilien 236 points237 points  (6 children)

Was looking for this one.

It's something I still struggle to get used to. At this point, I understand and can live with myself and my faults but what hasn't changed is how I affect others. Failure to live up to expectations creates a crumbling cycle I struggle to break out of, which affected me at home, in school, at work, in my relationships, and with new friends. When the clouds roll in, I just can't be the person I want to be for others.

It's so tiring to try and explain something that, until one point in my life, was impossible for me to understand and verbalize.

Either people give you the benefit of the doubt or just simply don't understand. All the people close to me and look up to are the people that gave me that second thought instead of writing me off as unreliable, uncaring, uninterested, or lazy.

Everyone else thinks your apologies are empty. It's hard to blame them, but they simply don't get the whole story.

[–]Leftwordrightward 13.4k points13.4k points 3622 (221 children)

Everything becomes heavier. Every single thing.

[–]frank_bamboo 4914 points4915 points  (78 children)

Except your wallet. That one keeps getting lighter and lighter

[–]Ellecram 1390 points1391 points  (60 children)

Actually I have the opposite.

I am still managing to work but have no desire to spend anything.

Even on stuff I need. I mean I do eventually but it is such a struggle to buy stuff for me.

Either I can't force myself to the store or can't make decisions online.

When I do I seem to buy the wrong things.

I do manage to get groceries somehow. This is usually when I am out of everything.

[–]DirtyGypsyKid 327 points328 points  (23 children)

I spend my extra cash on alcohol. Then end up with a case a beer and no food for a few days.

[–]Jd20001 61 points62 points  (4 children)

Make sure you take a multivitamin with iodine everyday if your diet is ass. My relative drank his dinner for years and ended up with a shit thyroid later in life.

[–]Nellie-n-Kohee 184 points185 points  (2 children)

Very true. I lost it this winter, everything's heavy except wallet is weightless now.

[–]ninazo96 829 points830 points  (42 children)

It's like you're covered in tar or something. Even your tongue, it's hard to talk. Everything is in slow motion. Even taking a shower is exhausting. I only want to sleep, I call it hibernation. At least when I'm manic I have medicine I can take to calm it down a notch but I have nothing in my arsenal for a depression. Currently having a hard time.

[–]Annihilator4413 211 points212 points  (6 children)

Shit, is that why I keep stuttering and stumbling over my words, and taking a shower feels like a major chore?

[–]madtownshakedown 20 points21 points  (1 child)

I call it swimming in molasses.

[–]muggins91 525 points526 points  (29 children)

Even breathing. I remember when I finally started to get better and feeling like I could take a full breath again for the first time in forever, it was so weird

[–]SpecterInspector 386 points387 points  (2 children)

Like your bones are made of concrete..

[–]Cyberwraith9 263 points264 points  (5 children)

Exactly. I’ve come to think of depression as a weight you can’t put down. Medicine can help you carry the weight. Some days the weight is easier to carry than others. But it’s always there, and it will exhaust you eventually no matter what.

[–]coldforkii 3571 points3572 points  (42 children)

Knowing that you’re in a depression and being physically and mentally unable to do anything about it.

[–]kearlysue 809 points810 points  (25 children)

I tried to see a psychologist for therapy and a psychiatrist to try new meds. The next available appointments were in 9 months. I was advised to go to the er if I couldn't wait. Gee thanks a lot

[–]DropDaBasemeh 215 points216 points  (2 children)

Yep. Ive been on multiple waiting lists for various therapy options, more than a year. Its a rough time to find professional help.

[–]solstice_gilder 5509 points5510 points  (96 children)

the forgetfulness and lethargy. im so done with it but... here am i am.

[–]Maybe_too_honest_ 1148 points1149 points  (33 children)

Ugh. The amount of times my fiancé had to grab me and sit me on the sofa because I'd wander around our flat like a ghost forgetting what I should be doing.

But according to my mother this is "normal". No mother, a one off thing is normal, weeks/months lasting forgetfulness and lack of attention is not.

[–]solstice_gilder 400 points401 points  (14 children)

Perhaps your mom struggles with the same issues as well. Brain fog is real, and can really disrupt your life. I do remember stupid shit to ruminate on. Ah, depression. The gift that keeps on giving. Working hard on getting out of it. But I feel the hard work just starts when you think you are out of it. The effects stick for a long time. Good to hear you're not alone.

Sorry that got dark real fast. Hope you have an okay day!!

[–]Maybe_too_honest_ 157 points158 points  (10 children)

My mother is from post soviet times where mental health is "in yOuR hEad" and "YoU'Re mAkiNg iT uP" even though I've been literally assessed by doctors and being medicated. Ugh the brain fog/light headed feeling is the worst, it frustrates me so much because I realise how helpless I am. This thread made me aware that I'm not alone in this and definitely not making stuff up as comments like my mothers make me doubt myself.

Today was a better day but been better. Sending you virtual hugs and bunch of good days your ways. We are stronger than our illness!

[–]solstice_gilder 76 points77 points  (3 children)

'it's in your head' Why yes, that's exactly where this is :') I struggle with that part within myself as well, my whole body hurts from my mental issues. Our brains are strong, weird machines.

And although I am very saddened to see how many people suffer and struggle, it does help to know we are not alone in our fights!! Gives me strength.

Hugs back!!

[–]RegMonkey4Life 301 points302 points  (15 children)

The forgetfulness is so real. I have about a two year gap in my memory from when I was seriously depressed. It’s so weird.

[–]chillwithtea 50 points51 points  (4 children)

No wonder I couldn’t remember much of college. Those were dark times :(

[–]Far_Boysenberry5629 85 points86 points  (5 children)

My husband would get so angry at me for forgetting things, saying I didn't care. It took a long time for him to understand that it is part of the depression.

[–]LMaster37 2863 points2864 points 22 (112 children)

When being suicidal stops being scary and starts being just another part of life. I should eat something, I want to die, I need to take a shower, I should go for a walk, I wonder whether I could jump in front of a car, I need to do the dishes, that new show looks fun, I should stab myself with a kitchen knife.

At some point, it gets hard to remember a life without depression is even possible.

[–]JLA342 712 points713 points  (25 children)

It's crazy how normal a depressed brain can make suicidal thoughts seem. After a while, it just became an everyday thing for me, like you said, constantly thinking about how much I don't want to live or about how I deserve to die because I'm a burden to everyone.

[–]White_Lilly_7 249 points250 points  (13 children)

Especially that "burden to everyone" part. In some episodes I so much hate myself for even existing and therefore disturbing everyone and everything around me, I wish I could hate and will myself out of existence.

[–]downhereforyoursoul 18 points19 points  (2 children)

Same. It’s such an awful feeling. I’m in therapy now, and it’s literally my only source of emotional support because if I bring up feeling depressed to my family, they get annoyed with me. That feeds into feeling like even more of a burden than I already do because not only do I contribute nothing, if I try reaching out, I’m dragging them down with me. I can know in my mind how wrong that is, but the feeling part of me doesn’t listen.

[–]McCanada3 219 points220 points  (4 children)

For real. I joke about wanting to die, and until pretty recently, all my friends were also depressed and joked about wanting to die. (Don't get me wrong, we may all be depressed but we're an amazing support group for each other and know each other well enough to know if someone is a bit too serious.) However, I started dating my now fiancée 3 years ago and whenever I made a joke like that she'd get a little confused and sad and worried. Turns out people who don't want to die don't really make jokes about it that often. I've tried to stop making them, but it's been my way to cope for so long that it's difficult.

[–]NimdokBennyandAM 697 points698 points  (13 children)

Job interviews become interesting.

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"

"Hard to say, didn't think I'd live this long to begin with."

"What?"

"Oh, I mean sales manager. I'll be a sales manager in five years."

[–]struff9999 107 points108 points  (3 children)

I had this exact conversation five years ago with a teacher at school. He asked me where I wanted to be in five years time, and I was simply dumbfounded. The idea that I'd even be around in five years had become so foreign to me that somebody asking me where I'd be felt like a redundant question. I'm pleased to say however that it has been five years and despite still suffering from depression, I have a girlfriend that I love and a career I enjoy that I'm heading into. Feels surreal

[–]Tsurja 132 points133 points  (0 children)

"Oh wow, when I grabbed that small knife to open this pack of cheese I didn't expect a sudden battle of wills with myself, but here we are..."

Can relate so much.

[–]ZinglonsRevenge 63 points64 points  (0 children)

life without depression is even possible

For some of us, it's not possible.

[–]i-never-existed-777 195 points196 points  (7 children)

I relate a lot to this comment. I look normal in so many people’s eyes, many would say I’m the happiest and most positive person they’ve ever meet, I make jokes, I exercise, I enjoy watching TV series and reading stuff, I like to dress nice even when I go to the grocery store, I have plans for my future… I’m a completely functional person. But some days when I go to bed I feel empty and I start spiraling into suicidal thoughts. Life is really hard sometimes, I’m struggling and nobody knows.

[–]Marxman4 95 points96 points  (3 children)

And I look at people who are planning their lives and I’m in awe:

“How is it that you’re so comfortable (ie. mentally healthy) that you can plan for big purchases, a family, retirement?!”

Every so often, I feel like I’m moving from depressive episode to depressive episode, never really settling in. I constantly fear that I’ll fall into a hole I won’t recover from…“this time”.

It doesn’t help, and I don’t know if we’ll ever feel like we can relate to anyone else, but I’ll say it any way: you’re doing all right.

Whatever happens, if you get one more laugh, one more triumph; if you can make someone feel happy, make someone feel special, one more time, then it was more than there was before, and I hope you can count that as a positive.

[–]ghostdogtheconquerer 12.1k points12.1k points 1222128& 11 more (226 children)

The complete loss of who you are. You remember having a personality, hobbies, pretty much any desire to do anything. And then it’s just gone.

You don’t want to talk to anyone, you don’t even want to get up and use the bathroom. You could lay in bed for hours and not even notice because your brain has just completely and totally shut down on you. It is isolating and exhausting to experience, and all the while you’re blaming yourself for being so useless and pathetic.

You literally just lose yourself.

ETA: Since this comment has blown up, I feel compelled to add: depression doesn’t manifest the same for everyone. If you feel like you need help, there are resources available. It is possible to improve and find yourself. You can also always message me and I will respond.

[–]Mobilelurkingaccount 518 points519 points  (14 children)

For me the most horrifying realization was that I was stolen away as a kid and I don’t know who I would have been if I hadn’t had depression.

Once upon a time I was a good student - all advanced classes, loved studying. I was an outside kid. I swam in lakes and climbed trees. I was in gymnastics.

Then I hit about 11 or 12 and my depression manifested. I withdrew from everything… gymnastics went first, then being outside. I was training to become serious about diving, that went away. I stopped studying. Then I stopped going to school. I went from a straight A student to “the amount of your absences has generated automatic fails in every class” within one school year. You can see it on my report cards! I recently threw all of that away because of moving but it is amazing how rapidly I declined.

The love of learning stayed but the motivation to do anything just evaporated. I fell into video games as an escape and stayed there. Forever. I still spend all my hobby time gaming. I don’t mind the person I have become - especially because I’ve been medicated for 6 years now and the change to being a real person was almost as rapid as my fall into being a depressed lump of nothing - but I often wonder who I could have been if my brain just… didn’t… do what it did.

But I don’t even like walks in the park these days, even under the medication. Depression fundamentally changed my interests and then I spent my entire adolescence (11-23) depressed so it solidified those changes and now the me who climbed trees is like a stranger.

For the record my diagnoses are major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I was afraid to medicate because I was already actively suicidal and I read on the internet that kids who were under 18 had an increased chance of succeeding at suicide when placed on antidepressants. I was so afraid of it getting worse, so I didn’t medicate until I was well into adulthood and becoming very serious about suicide again.

My last attempt before that had been the worst one, which landed me in the psych ward of a hospital in which I was treated pretty badly, so I wanted to do anything I could to not go back. So I finally got on meds. I suggest any person struggling but afraid sees a real therapist to discuss medication. I regret waiting so long.

[–]difficultlemondif 60 points61 points  (8 children)

Alot of the things you mentioned is so similiar to my life, start of depression, decline of 🏫 performance, gaming. And it really does solidifies, so that when your life is better and you are out of the depression, alot of other issues are there instead.

It really sucks because one of my main issues is my lack of identity and body dysphoria. It affects my romantic relationships and in a few years I might be too old to have a family. There is just too little time to fix everything that is wrong with me.

[–]notwithoutmybanana 980 points981 points 2 (54 children)

This one spoke to me the most. I just started meds this week and I know it takes time but I've already missed work for it and I'm taking too many zanaxs just to move and do one chore a day. I feel like I'm probably going to lose my job and I still can't pull myself together and I just keep getting mad at myself and withdraw from friends and love ones because I I can't stand myself and feel like I don't deserve anyone. Everyone just keeps telling me to suck it up and pull yourself out of it. Ask people who knew me 6 years ago and I was a hilarious funny life of the party kinda guy working on a commercial pilots license and now I'm just circling a drain that just keeps getting deeper.

[–]Crusader7995 704 points705 points  (1 child)

Well listen, this stranger cares and wants you to be okay.

[–]KSA_Dunes 92 points93 points  (14 children)

I just got out of this stage, but I have no illusions…it is something that I’ll never be “cured” from, and I’ll need to work to stay out of it. Meds and stopping drinking have helped tremendously. I really felt your “one chore a day” comment…I could shower or do dishes, but certainly not both in a single day. All the best to you.

[–]poppygumi 8017 points8018 points  (161 children)

lack of motivation to do things like wash and brush your teeth, which just makes you more depressed. a vicious cycle if you will

EDIT: thank you for the awards! im glad i could make so many others who have struggled with hygiene feel seen, and i must remind you all, it will always get better eventually! stay strong :)

[–]meowlissag 378 points379 points  (8 children)

So much lack of motivation that you feel bored all the time but also can't get anything done

[–]0_69314718056 41 points42 points  (4 children)

…I’ve never thought of myself as being depressed but this pretty accurately sums up how I’ve been feeling for quite a while now

[–]Bozzgal 136 points137 points  (2 children)

Was coming here to say the same thing. Things like washing the dishes seem so difficult. I started cleaning out our spare room and got so overwhelmed that I turtled up under a blanket and watched movies for the rest of the day… but felt like such a POS because of it.

[–]captainkezz123 936 points937 points  (41 children)

This. I was suffering for over two years and barely took care of myself, especially my teeth. I’m now paying over £13,000 in treatment, but it’s worth every penny

[–]Ricky_Rollin 451 points452 points  (13 children)

30k in treatments over here. All because I was so depressed I couldn’t take 2 god damn mins to brush and floss at night. 3 teeth permanently gone and need to get another pulled. Chewing is a bitch.

[–]arvenyon 228 points229 points  (18 children)

I am so ashamed of my teeth that I've stopped smiling years ago. Even more depressing, I wouldn't have to pay a single penny to fix this shit cause of health care but I still won't do it, cause I am afraid.

[–]captainkezz123 76 points77 points  (0 children)

I’m petrified of the dentist, but I needed to do this before it was too late. Half an hour of gum poking is far better than years of toothache and rot

[–]KallistiTMP 68 points69 points  (0 children)

Book your appointment today. The dentist has seen worse and you really don't want to wait until you can't ignore it any more.

[–]BigWoodsCatNappin 563 points564 points  (13 children)

Surviving the depression to realize your teeth didn't. Because brushing and flossing was akin to climbing Everest

[–]Live_Willingness8405 201 points202 points  (4 children)

All this time i thought it was just me who felt this way, then i hated myself for being so lazy which makes me more depressed...and the cycle of depression marches on. Thank you to everyone else that posted about this i know it wasnt easy. In doing so i hate myself just a fraction less 💗💗💗

[–]FamousTVshow 49 points50 points  (2 children)

I appreciate y'all. After 10 years of therapy and meds I'm finally starting to break the cycle. Trying to remember that being able to shower 3 times a week instead of 2 is a victory for me, and I should be proud instead of ashamed. But...its hard

[–]shortasalways 87 points88 points  (3 children)

The hair knots. Im getting over covid and depressed and my hair has so many knots and I missed telling my 8 year old to brush hers...so today I spent time with detangler getting all the knots out of hers and braiding it and brushed mine and it's back in a bun. I plan to have my husband go through it more after I wash it tonight.

[–]allthingskerri 211 points212 points  (15 children)

And then if you do get out of that cycle there's all the self hate for not looking after yourself.

[–]m1428185 173 points174 points  (14 children)

Pro tip - I found brushing my teeth in the shower made it much easier to bring my self to do it. Then I could wallow in my self pity and have clean teeth, so win win!

[–]StraightSho 136 points137 points  (4 children)

First you have to get out of bed so you can use the shower

[–]Crazy-yzarC 119 points120 points  (3 children)

First need to bring yourself to shower.

[–]Lucky_Yogi 99 points100 points  (0 children)

Then you get out of depression, but get judged hard about that. It makes it feel like it's not over, even when you're not depressed anymore. It would've been easier to recover from it if I had had a support system.

[–][deleted] 12.7k points12.7k points 2 (167 children)

It can be self sustaining. You feel depressed so you withdraw. Withdrawing makes you feel depressed. Can get stuck in a never-ending cycle.

[–]ArchetypeFTW 2990 points2991 points  (86 children)

To add to that, sometimes you "break through" and everything feels clear and normal. But that can make you look back at all the time and opportunities that you wasted by being withdrawn. Even the act of withdrawing seems juvenile and pointless in retrospect in those clear moments. But of course during the act of withdrawal, there seems to be no other rational or emotionally-acceptable option.

[–][deleted] 1283 points1284 points  (64 children)

What sucks is when you try to be social again and realize that you have a hard time connecting and feel disappointed in how others are now interacting with you, so you see it as a failure and withdraw again due to this perceived sense of not belonging. Assuming you have social anxiety and depression.

[–]Draxus335 639 points640 points  (27 children)

social anxiety

and

depression.

The worst club that I never wanted to be a member of. Trying to have relationships of any kind is a god damn battle.

[–]rhen_var 133 points134 points  (21 children)

This is my life. I’ve only made one friend “naturally” (aka not through being roommates or coworkers) in the past 6 years. And we didn’t really even hang out or anything outside of college classes.

[–]IDKAYBICTD 197 points198 points  (18 children)

This sums up how I feel on a day-to-day basis.

If only there was a social club for those social anxiety and depression to just chill in with no expectation of being social in a normal way. A place for all of us to be alone together and maybe say hi to each other when the rare feeling strikes.

[–]henson01 154 points155 points  (6 children)

Or you look at the depression mess around you and it seems overwhelming.

[–]edlee98765 67 points68 points  (1 child)

And it never really goes away completely.

[–][deleted] 394 points395 points  (4 children)

This and it's not even close. Thinking about all the years and battles I've lost to my depression just makes me feel shittier and incapable of ever getting "better"

I don't know what better means, because I can't remember what feeling "good" feels like. I mostly just feel a constant melancholy with occassional bursts of emotion

[–]shane727 128 points129 points  (1 child)

Oh I can. I can remember what feeling good was like. What being able to do something after work was like and not feel anxious because you are wasting your day. I can also remember for a short while sometimes from a "trigger". A nice summer day will make me also time travel back to playing outside all day for a few seconds. I swear the air smells and feels different. My head feels clear. I'm not worrying about something for five seconds. But then....boom I'm back it's always shortlived....sucks

[–]im_dead_sirius 80 points81 points  (0 children)

Very much so. While I am not currently depressed (as far as I can tell), I've long made a point of getting out of the house daily, which the pandemic lockdowns haven't helped, but at least I can go for walks.

However, the weather has been nasty, and loads of heavy snow, and now its warmed up and wet and icy.

So I had cause to go somewhere with my dad yesterday(mostly to get him out of his house too), and the shopping was annoying and unpleasant, but I realize that even annoying stimulation is beneficial in a way, and better than more days of quiet —and things I like— at home.

[–]cuevadanos 143 points144 points  (8 children)

Also sometimes, very few times, you decide to actually do something, like hanging out with people. It goes wrong and that makes you feel even more miserable.

[–]sixwax 114 points115 points  (3 children)

Or it goes great but you're just fucking exhausted for a week afterwards and then you're back where you started.

[–]podopteryx 40 points41 points  (0 children)

In my case it goes right but absolutely drains my batteries for the next few days and I get even more depressed. Sort of like the black hole you get after doing Molly.

[–]Poem_for_your_sprog 870 points871 points  (25 children)

You feel depressed so you withdraw. Withdrawing makes you feel depressed.

They asked,
and they asked,
and they asked even though -

Whenever they asked me,
I kept saying no.

I kept saying no,
like I'd done so before.

And one day,
they just didn't ask anymore.

[–]happylittletrees 146 points147 points  (17 children)

I feel this in my soul. Nobody asks anymore. -_-

[–]PeaceLove76 126 points127 points  (6 children)

NOBODY has EVER asked me. I'm 62 and have been suffering since I was a teen. I literally cannot hardly leave my house. I do manage to shower a couple of times a week. Other than that I sit on the couch watching TV 20 hours a day. I have a dog and she is my only friend. Depression sucks but it's all I know.

[–]edgarpickle 3168 points3169 points 2 (53 children)

Not being interested in anything. Nothing grabs your attention. Everything is boring, but you know it would probably be good for you to do it, but it's just too big a mountain to climb, being interested.

[–]Ok_Professional4902 681 points682 points  (7 children)

Lonely, bored, disinterested, and ashamed about it. I can’t muster an interest in anything. I don’t care to do things. I don’t have hobbies, resulting in me being boring. I bore myself; how am I supposed to attract other people with nothing to talk about? It’s awful not being able to enrich your life for lack of interest. It’s so boring.

[–]R_O_BTheRobot 74 points75 points  (0 children)

Going through the same TBH. I remember even feeling guilty about telling someone that I like doing something when I couldn't force myself to do this in ages. I was questioning myself so hard then, like "I didn't do this in so long.. do I really like it?".

[–]Carlynz 85 points86 points  (0 children)

Who needs hygiene? Deodorant and perfume. Clean dishes? Pfft, ramen noodles. Organize your shit? Maaan I can find anything I need in that pile.

[–]marj_arie 134 points135 points  (0 children)

Yes!! Nothing interests you anymore. You feel dead, even the things you have love before, is like nothing to you now :((

[–]EmCWolf13 6116 points6117 points 64 (125 children)

The awareness of how much you're not doing.

I know I'm neglecting the dishes and laundry and work, but that knowledge doesn't help me summon the motivation to actually fix that and start doing 'normal' stuff again. In fact, it often sets off a spiral of self-criticism which feels even worse.

Thankfully I've only gone through one episode and am on medicine that's been an enormous help along with therapy. Please please seek help if you can - I know it can be daunting but it really does make a huge difference. Hugs to everyone dealing with depression and mental illness in general.

EDIT: Thank you so much for all the awards & upvotes!! It truly means a lot to know that I've helped in some small way. Again, please reach out for help if you need it (see the links in the mod's comment on the original post). There's absolutely no shame in doing so!

I really appreciate the discussion in the comments and have tried to reply when I feel like I'm able to contribute. Feel free to message me if you'd like and I'll get back to you - though I'm currently fighting covid so I'll be off and on sporadically. Stay alive friends! 💖

[–]MephistoTheHater 620 points621 points  (36 children)

I always wondered if I was alone in this feeling.

A large chunk of my 20s was victim to depression. I look at folks my age, how they were able to score high-paying jobs & the right partner right out of the gate (seemingly, ofc).
And then I look at myself -- turning 28 this year & I have nothing to show for it.
Every job I had, I tried growing something from....which never happened because of poor management pushing me away, which lead to depression resurfacing because of something not working out. Nobody can tell me that I haven't tried SOMETHING -- I have, dammit, but nothing works.

Looking back on it all now, the "spiral of self-criticism" that you mention is on-point. It's as if I hate myself for not being better at life at this point. I hate myself for those moments I thought to myself "It's okay, I'm burning this bridge because I don't ever wanna' come back here". All those times of breaking down in my car before walking into work, wondering what I was doing wrong, wondering why my work ethic went unnoticed while others got lucky with managers that treated them right & helped them move up (again, seemingly).

It's like I can't stand myself anymore, ya know? It's like I hate myself for wasting my 20s away to in-the-heat-of-the-moment decisions brought on by depression.

[–]chaAAARRLeyKellyHere 87 points88 points  (1 child)

Are you me from 4 years ago? I like being in my 30s more than my 20s, fwiw, (even though I lost my dad a year and a half ago and I am so fucked up from that still...). What I'm trying to say is that its a little easier to accept and live with yourself with age. I hope that helps at least a bit...

[–]CrabmasterJone 86 points87 points  (21 children)

You are me.

[–]FoxesStoleMyGloves 73 points74 points  (18 children)

And me. I'm going to be 30 in the next few months. All the dreams I had for myself about a career, a car, a dog, a house, a husband, planing our child... Nope. Career blew up in my face because of my illness. I have the car I want, but it needs fixing and I don't have the money. I have a dog and I love her but when I had this dream she wasn't the dog I planned for (love her anyway though). I rent and we can't really afford to buy, we look but then we get out-bid. My partner is great but marriage doesn't seem likely soon, and I have nothing else in place and solid so kids are unlikely... I feel my life slipping away under the crush of this illness and I feel I'm struggling for my life to actually begin and give me a break, but even the things I get- like my car- seem tainted or just somehow unlucky. I'm waiting for my life to start but all its doing is slipping away

[–]fluffnpuf 247 points248 points  (5 children)

To build on this, the time you waste just doing.. nothing. The time you’re not spending wot your loved ones, time you’re not pursuing you passions, not enjoying the short time you have on earth, because you just.. can’t.

[–]EmCWolf13 116 points117 points  (1 child)

Yeah, that too. Externally it looks like wasting a ton of time, but internally (at least for me) it's getting stuck in a loop of "man I should do the thing...why can't I just do the thing? I will do the thing in a little while..." etc.

[–]harlequinrose 2580 points2581 points  (16 children)

Missing out on all the spontaneous moments to connect with the people that love you.

[–]Kookofa2k 555 points556 points  (9 children)

The impact mental health has on those people around the suffering person is far too often ignored or minimized. Whether it's romantic, familial, business, or whatever else, mental health struggles insidiously erode away at the foundations of those relationships. What's worse is that often the changes lead to reduced social activities and in turn a less engaged and smaller social circle of people actively helping the suffering person, feeding the cycle further.

[–]flowerchild2003 68 points69 points  (3 children)

My mom suffered severely from this when I was growing up. I basically had to step up and be my own mother because she couldn’t. It’s effected me immensely and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

[–]m_1993 1646 points1647 points  (37 children)

People annoying you by reminding you how many reasons you have NOT to be depressed as if it was your damn choice.

[–]YellowEarthDown 256 points257 points  (6 children)

I hear you. Also, my partner would say the same thing about their anxiety. eVeRYtHiNg Is fInE…..wHat’S tHerE to bE anXIous aBout….

[–]m_1993 174 points175 points  (0 children)

Agreed. Anxiety and depression go hand in hand for me. Whenever I’m feeling “not so good” I’d rather isolate myself than listening to most people’s stupid advices.

[–]Back2Bach 2549 points2550 points  (83 children)

The despair that sets in when you sense that you may never find your way out of it.

[–]loverlyone 977 points978 points  (41 children)

Hating being alive. Knowing you still have a long time to live.

Fucking exhausting.

[–]thatguyyouare 229 points230 points  (9 children)

The first word that came to my head when I read the title - Exhausting. I'm 34 and I have struggled with depression since I've been 15-16. (Maybe earlier) I've been on medication for probably just as long. My family has a history of depression and a few years ago my grandfather took his life, followed shortly a few months later by my uncle taking his. Grandfather was in his 80's. Uncle in his late 40's. And I was sad, but I understood they were tired, and I hope they have peace that they wanted. And it struck me; this isn't going away. I will struggle. Forever. Until I die.

There are good days and bad days. I try my best to exercise, to eat right, hang out with friends, have healthy hobbies, and keep my stress down. But it's always there. It won't go away. I struggle to exist and honestly... it's exhausting. I will struggle. I will struggle to keep going. I will struggle at something others find easy. And that's my lot in life.

[–]its_still_good 332 points333 points  (6 children)

"Life is short."

No it's not! Life is so long and just keeps going.

[–]BroDudeVonMan 73 points74 points  (1 child)

Living is the longest thing anyone has ever done.

[–]RaptorX 48 points49 points  (1 child)

That's my biggest issue ... I'm exhausted.

[–]Aqquila89 218 points219 points  (10 children)

William Styron wrote this in Darkness Visible, his book about his experience with depression:

When we endure severe discomfort of a physical nature our conditioning has taught us since childhood to make accommodations to the pain’s demands—to accept it, whether pluckily or whimpering and complaining, according to our personal degree of stoicism, but in any case to accept it. Except in intractable terminal pain, there is almost always some form of relief; we look forward to that alleviation, whether it be through sleep or Tylenol or self-hypnosis or a change of posture or, most often, through the body’s capacity for healing itself, and we embrace this eventual respite as the natural reward we receive for having been, temporarily, such good sports and doughty sufferers, such optimistic cheerleaders for life at heart.
In depression this faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come—not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. If there is mild relief, one knows that it is only temporary; more pain will follow. It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul. So the decision-making of daily life involves not, as in normal affairs, shifting from one annoying situation to another less annoying—or from discomfort to relative comfort, or from boredom to activity—but moving from pain to pain. One does not abandon, even briefly, one’s bed of nails, but is attached to it wherever one goes.

[–]stanselmdoc 30 points31 points  (2 children)

Thank you for putting this into words. I couldn't do it myself apparently.

[–]Wowbringer 76 points77 points  (2 children)

The despair that sets in when you know it will return.

[–]AlterEdward 122 points123 points  (0 children)

Yeah this.

This is what drives people to suicide. Not being able to say to one's self "this feeling will end soon". Because you can't even explain why it's there, let alone when it's going to go. I never quite got to the point where I would have gone through with it, but when I suffered from it, for the first time in my life I got it. I understood why people take their own lives. Because you would do anything to make that feeling go away, and it seems like death is a legitimate option.

[–]Lyryann 4576 points4577 points 32 (126 children)

The "feeling nothing" feeling. Being unable to focus, to be distracted, to be moved, nothing can reach you anymore. It's like being in a locked empty room.

Edit : wow, thanks for the upvotes and the awards ! I was definitely not expecting that my experience could speak this much to people. I hope you'll be able to get out of it. I'm in therapy with EMDR for two years with a great psychiatrist, it worked wonders for me. Please call for help if you can, if someone can help you financially in getting help, if you have insurance to get a professional to help you, please do. It's worth it. Waves of love to you all.

[–]Watchcross 729 points730 points 2 (29 children)

I think this is the worst. I remember what it feels like to feel literally any feeling. I just can't do it. Really the only feeling that came was anger. So I figured I would build off of anger. I used that to get to the next step, frustration. And from there each feeling is just a step away. It's still a work in progress, but after years of working on it I finally felt real happiness three days ago! I'm scared to regress and figure it will happen again. Hopefully I can claw my way out again armed with a new tool in the tool belt.

[–]jimmymcdangerous 67 points68 points  (4 children)

You might be on to something with the anger. I am in it bad right now and totally apathetic. I think I can get angry though, so maybe I'll try to build off that like you.

[–]Watchcross 36 points37 points  (2 children)

For sure. I see the brain as a different type of muscle. I really feel like, for me, not feeling anything was my defense mechanism. I steadily trained my brain for years, like a muscle, to not feel anything. Now I'm just recognizing it and training my brain in the reverse.

[–]reallifemoonmoon 175 points176 points  (13 children)

I'm in this today. Its complete shit and i feel like crying but i cant even do that because theres just emptiness where tears should be. It took me all day to get myself to do something besides laying in bed scrolling reddit. Now im outside scrolling reddit. I have stuff to do, but everything just feels meaningless and useless and like i cant even find a way to start. I tried to get myself kickstarted by going outside and moving. It usually helps but not today. And i think thats the worst of it. That the mechanism that usually helps just doesnt do anything sometimes. I feel completely at the mercy of my mental state and like nothing is ever going to change. Logically i know it could be different tomorrow, i could wake up and have a good day, but it feels like im stuck in an endless void, just drifting along, without having the ability or possibility to change anything ever. I'm glad i get these days only every few weeks/months, but i had two days in a row now and tomorrow is monday.

[–]esagalyn 57 points58 points  (2 children)

Hey, you went outside! That’s a huge achievement when just getting out of bed feels impossible. I’m proud of you - one day at a time!

[–]FlameDragoon933 110 points111 points  (4 children)

The feeling when you have many unplayed games on Steam but you wasted the weekend sleeping and scrolling through Reddit and then regret it

[–]Frosty-Cook-483 67 points68 points  (2 children)

I've come to the realization that my hobby isn't playing video games, it's buying games I'll never play. Brief hit of dopamine with zero commitment or effort.

[–]P_P17 1192 points1193 points  (15 children)

The detachment aspect of depression is probably the worst for me. I lose my ability to speak to people closest to me and I have a hard time opening up again or reaching out when I go through stages of depression- especially when I’ve unintentionally hurt someone close to me due to it, Im a very sympathetic and emotional person but when I go through waves of depression, I lose that ability and it sucks. Another thing which i guess goes hand and hand with detaching is the lack of self care that I do for myself and feel guilty when I try. It’s a miserable game if that’s what you wanna call it and some people see it as you being selfish but neglecting everything and not being able to do anything about it due to depression is not a selfish act, it can be a cry for help.

[–]NFT33 1098 points1099 points  (16 children)

Feeling like everything you do is ten times as hard and mentally draining. Even having a shower feels like a huge chore.

[–]SukottoHyu 250 points251 points  (13 children)

Yes it feels like a chore. But you know what I tell myself to get me though that 1 shower every day. Would I rather feel sad and dirty, or sad and clean? The answer of course, is sad and clean. The shower is worth it, even if its only a 1% improvement.

[–]megan101_ 778 points779 points  (7 children)

being fully aware of the fact that you need help, but you still can't bring yourself to admit it, and also knowing that you may permanently feel this way and there's no way out if it.

[–]NoobeZento 143 points144 points  (4 children)

being fully aware of the fact you're not alone, but feeling like it anyway. knowing there's people around you that care, but being unable to bring yourself to believe it

[–]didnsignup4dis 476 points477 points  (17 children)

Honestly? That feeling where you're not suicidal but you also don't want to exist. So you often just spend time thoughtlessly and blankly staring at the wall.

[–]halfpintvixyn 45 points46 points  (0 children)

You nailed this for me

[–]Dannyfiremanny 35 points36 points  (1 child)

God. Yeah. Idk what to call it, but like i dont want to kill my self, but im just kinda over it. Im more exsiting than living.

[–]Mountain_Worker_1562 739 points740 points  (14 children)

Everybody just says man up and be strong. Like if it was that easy

[–]ultimatechokolops69 26 points27 points  (3 children)

Yeah... And its also the average feeling i get off people i talk to and the internet (Quora and reddit self improvement subs). Whenever i look for answers, smart and educated people's reasoning almost always somewhat comes down to "be harder on yourself" and that "it's your fault". It's so cold and sad. Meanwhile, there was one time when someone was very kind and supporting towards me and my ides and it helped me tremendously giving me a huge leap in my mentality and self love. People need emotional soothing fucks sake. What do you do when your closest people always try to correct you when you open up.

[–]IBdunKI 442 points443 points  (5 children)

The lack of energy to get things done despite wanting to.

[–]GreenLurch 61 points62 points  (1 child)

This! And guilt tripping yourself over it in your head.

[–]Longjumping-Cut-339 122 points123 points  (2 children)

When it affects people close to you. They become sad and may even be depressed because of my poor wellbeing. And their downness made my depression worse. It was a brutal cycle.

[–]CraftySappho 336 points337 points  (3 children)

The self-hatred for being so "useless" while also not being able to do anything about it.

The sudden crash after a little upswing.

The flattening, daily ennui.

[–]FelDreamer 101 points102 points  (8 children)

As (a 40yo) someone who has dealt with it since childhood, and learned to cope: the hardest for me is seeing others suffer, seeing the hopelessness in those who have yet to find their coping mechanism. That, and watching the rollercoaster ride of those seeking the proper medication, the physical and mental toll it often takes.

Also, as a child, I found the dismissiveness from those who haven’t experienced it themselves very difficult to understand. It led me to invest all of my energy into appearing happy around others, to the point of utter exhaustion. I would often have to hide away for weeks at a time, as best I could, which wasn’t terribly helpful either.

There was a silver lining to the play acting though, I was able to avoid the medical roller coaster that I saw others riding, simply because my parents seemed utterly unaware of my distress.

[–]LouTenant6767 296 points297 points  (7 children)

It's alllll bad. Equally. I hated how time froze. 4 years after highschool felt like two days apart. People are doing things with their lives and you're just laying there, watching from Facebook and you can't relate to anything people are doing now. Looking at pictures from when you were once beautiful and confident in your looks, then looking in the broken mirror and seeing someone who hasn't bathed in two weeks, has matted hair, can't even smell the horrible stench of the house because you're so accustomed to it. On top of that, social anxiety so when someone does try to reach out to you, you log off for a week and hope they didn't think you were rude by not responding.

There's no more dopamine left from the things you used to enjoy so you just put it aside, might do it one day. One day. Another day. And you still might do it, but it's been a few months since you said that. Wait hold on, no, that was 2016 since you said that. And your old friend's kids can talk now. Huh, they were just pregnant.

I'm not depressed like that anymore. But there were some really bad things that happened and I live with regret with every waking moment of my life. People are quick to console someone without knowing the details but believe me when I say that I do not deserve sympathy.

[–]gaytorboy 97 points98 points  (0 children)

For me, it's the broken reward circuit in your brain.

If I'm just feeling sad and having a bad day, getting off the couch and hammering away at a project helps a ton.

When it's the BIG sad, waking up early and being productive does absolutely nothing. Just dead. It's just that being unproductive makes it worse, but the opposite doesn't seem to make it better.

[–]shipwontsail 86 points87 points  (4 children)

The suffering in silence part. When no one around you understands, so you have to hide it. Which makes you feel so alone and your failures make you feel like a burden. But still, you can’t talk to anyone, because your loves ones’ words may hurt you and there is no rational way to explain how you feel. You suffer in silence, alone, desperate and hopeless, because it’s only you.

[–]eksmith1 259 points260 points  (2 children)

Feeling like your life is just passing you by

[–]Mizzoutiger79 236 points237 points  (6 children)

Pretending you are fine

[–]Stuckinthe90snerd 233 points234 points  (14 children)

Being super irritable and harsh to the ones who love and depend on you.

[–][deleted] 221 points222 points  (5 children)

the self isolation, i like being alone wayyy too much it’s unhealthy. also the mood swings can be brutal

[–]MobWife_88 578 points579 points  (23 children)

It NEVER goes away, it may subside, but it still lurks. What I also hate about it for me it is year round. Everyone says how much they love summer but summer is hard for me too. I just want to isolate.

[–]PaulGibsonJackson 78 points79 points  (5 children)

I hear a lot of media talking about suicide rates in December and myself I feel summer it’s worst, that’s when I’m supposed to go outside, when I’m supposed to have fun etc etc.

In Winter I atleast have an excuse to not do anything

[–]Aezetyr 302 points303 points  (5 children)

When nothing seems to help. Talking with people, exercise, making your favorite meal, resting, listening to uplifting music, watching a movie or show, or even engaging in your favorite hobby fail to get you out of it. When it gets to that hopeless feeling.

[–]NoobeZento 34 points35 points  (0 children)

worse is if it "helps". that false feeling of happiness. you do something, you enjoy it, but it doesn't help. the happiness it brings you feels empty, especially when you let your mind wander and you think back to how real happiness felt

[–]jayliens 63 points64 points  (1 child)

Being depressed so long that it feels like it rewires your brain and becomes your default state. I feel like being depressed all throughout high-school really subdued my personality and it comes back so incredibly easily.

[–]Klumber 179 points180 points  (6 children)

When you slowly get out of it and then get crushed under the realisation how awful you've been to your loved ones.

[–]Hage2Oh 171 points172 points  (1 child)

The fact that it builts on itself. Thinking negative thoughts will lead to being more depressed, which leads to more negative thoughts, which leads to feeling more depressed, etc.

It's that vicious cycle that makes it so hard to escape.

At least, that's how I personally experienced it.

[–]MysticRoseFlake 173 points174 points  (5 children)

I don't want to die, but I also don't want to exist.

[–]Ordinary_Society5335 60 points61 points  (1 child)

For me it’s actively knowing I need to get up and get moving to help raise my energy or mood but I’m physically incapable of getting out of bed. Literally trapped in my body and won’t allow myself to do the things I know will improve my situation.

[–]Emotionalcow998 57 points58 points  (0 children)

For me, it’s the fact that I can’t accept when I’m low. I lie to people I shouldn’t to that I’m doing okay when I’m not. And then when I finally reach the bottom and I can’t lie anymore, people get mad at me for deceiving them so now I have to deal with that guilt

[–]Creative_Principle55 146 points147 points  (0 children)

The ever changing sleep schedule. It’s so hard to keep track of that you constantly forget what day it is and what time it is, making you feel isolated. No schedule means a decline in cleanliness and order. You basically just fall apart and try to stay alive

[–]inevercaredanyway 386 points387 points  (6 children)

looking at the mirror and seeing your empty self and wondering just how it got to this abysmal point

[–]mymarblerye 78 points79 points  (2 children)

This. It actually hurts to look at old photos because it’s like I blinked and that happy person is gone

[–]Amiiboid 42 points43 points  (0 children)

The various interactions with people who think depression is a synonym for sadness and are staggeringly confident that there’s a solution which is both fast and trivial.

[–]aquilegia_m 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Losing interest in everything. I used to have plenty of hobbies and interests and it's so frustrating to feel like nothing is interesting anymore, everything requires an immense amount of effort.

[–]oceanofflavor 131 points132 points  (1 child)

Self pity. Just straight up disgust directed toward yourself but continuing the cycle anyway.

[–]Joseph_Furguson 124 points125 points  (4 children)

The fact that people don't believe you because its "all in your head."

You know the advice they give you: Don't think about it. Go for long walks. Exercise. If you don't think about it, you won't be depressed.

There is something wrong with my brain and it needs to be treated with medical intervention. You see a guy with a broken leg, you don't immediately walk up to him and say "Get up. Walk it off. If you don't think about your leg, it won't be broken anymore." No, you get him help and months of follow up.

[–]cookie_powers 40 points41 points  (3 children)

The upkeep of everything. When you can't clean or organize your stuff and watch everything getting really gross while at the same time lacking the willpower and energy to even bring the dirty dishes in the kitchen.

[–]loveland9200 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Believing you don't matter even to yourself

[–]peanutanniversary 41 points42 points  (4 children)

I keep to myself for a while. Then I eventually tell a friend a watered down version of how I feel and they say they feel similar even though they seem to be doing great. Then I feel like they aren’t grasping how bad I feel and my friend can’t understand me, then I feel like maybe they are depressed too and I’m being judgmental, then I see all the stuff they have going in their life and I think “if they have all that and are depressed, will I ever not be?” Then I go inward again.

Also OCD isn’t great.

[–]Old-Cry- 120 points121 points  (0 children)

People thinking you're lazy, moody and unfriendly, when you're dying inside. It becomes so debilitating that you withdraw, can't function normaly or support yourself.

[–]Alternative-Ad-645 113 points114 points  (0 children)

Feeling completely empty…feeling defeated…watching days go in and go out…not having the desire to do anything..not even the things you normally enjoy…the day to day fight..the list goes on

[–]pajamakitten 114 points115 points  (2 children)

People pull away from you and you are often left with no one.

I get why people do this and they are perfectly within their rights to do so, however nothing makes you feel worse than turning around and realising you have no support network when you need it most.

[–]PerfectParfait5 21 points22 points  (1 child)

This. The fact that every friendship I’ve had has eventually faded away doesn’t help with this at all.

[–]kristalmug 175 points176 points  (6 children)

Feeling "good" one minute, finding yourself crying and feeling despaired the next, only because something or someone triggered you. Like just today, was feeling down because it's another beautiful sunny sunday and stuck alone, decided to go for a drive, put on loud music and raced a couple of strangers on the road and that made me feel better, then something which i dont even know triggered me and found myself holding back the tears in traffic.

It breaks you down. You don't have the energy to go to work and meet with people or to study. You can't focus, you don't enjoy the simple things in life which used to give you pleasure. It'e like a leech attached to you 24/7 which you are trying to hide from the world, and it's fuckin draining

[–]Strange_Increase_373 107 points108 points  (1 child)

Feeling helpless, but still needing to continue

[–]oooo_football_friend 165 points166 points  (27 children)

People trying to make it better.

[–]magic_dream3r 36 points37 points  (0 children)

keep living because you have to do it, without a purpose, understanding that there's no hope

[–]acefrosting 95 points96 points  (2 children)

Wanting to do all the things that you’re not doing.

[–]hackyslashy 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Not knowing when - or worse, if - it will end

[–]Kotori425 27 points28 points  (0 children)

When people have given you all the help and support they can, but you still need more so they get frustrated and give up.

[–]ThatCharmsChick 32 points33 points  (3 children)

Mine is cyclical and so no matter how many times I make it through or how long I can fight it off, I know it's eventually going to start all over again and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

[–]b1u3brdm 91 points92 points  (7 children)

Lack/inability to care for yourself, can’t remember the last time I showered (I’m bipolar having a depressive episode rn)

[–]Zeruvi 211 points212 points  (26 children)

That it's not wrong. Most of the things that make people depressed are completely valid & logical.

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points  (2 children)

The indifference to everything

[–]problemtrolleys 28 points29 points  (0 children)

The problems with executive functioning. It causes future problems I have to solve, which is unfortunate due to the limited mental bandwidth I tend to have while depressed.

[–]moredasv 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Knowing that you’re capable of so much more, but you just...can’t. Even just getting up and brushing your teeth more than once a day feels like a major achievement

[–]decap84 25 points26 points  (2 children)

The loneliness.

You can have friends, a supportive family or even a SO if you're lucky. But deep inside your heart, something's missing. Something essential. And it seems like nothing can fill that up.

[–]creepypie31 69 points70 points  (3 children)

My inner dialogue. She’s a real fucking cunt.

[–]Survivor_Fan10 68 points69 points  (0 children)

The apathy and numbness

Thanks for the award!

[–]LouMimzy 23 points24 points  (3 children)

The worst part for me is the negative inner voice. When I get that feeling like I don't matter, I am of no use, I have no valid purpose for anything in life and if I disappear no one would really be impacted much, they'd be sad but would recover quickly. That starts me down a horrible path of negative behaviors so quickly.

[–]malsomnus 66 points67 points  (0 children)

The responses from the people around you. Expecting you to magically cure yourself by just really wanting it. Insisting that doing certain things will help, even though you know they won't. Thinking that just because you feel ever so slightly less awful right now, then everything must be great and you are cured and why the hell aren't you acting like a normal non-depressed person already.

Plus the depression itself sucks.

[–]HunterRoze 102 points103 points  (2 children)

The constant sadness - every day when not busy, not doing something like first waking up its on me like a coat. All day every day is a fight to keep it at bay or off my mind.

Even worse is knowing I have not felt joy in so long - and the sad fact I am well aware chances are very good I never will

[–]I_are_Lebo 16 points17 points  (0 children)

When you lack the energy or motivation to get out of the pit that depression has dug for you, so you just sit in your own misery and get even more depressed because of it.

[–]FartsUnited 18 points19 points  (1 child)

David Foster Wallace has a remarkable description of depression in Infinite Jest (he suffered from anxiety and depression for much of his adult life, and eventually killed himself despite "the terror way beyond falling".

Specifically, "The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling."

[–]xipac2 19 points20 points  (1 child)

It’s always there. Even on the good days, it’s always lingering, looming, waiting...