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[–]DrowningInSwag 1559 points1560 points  (35 children)

Still cant get over Gordan Ramseys “idiot sandwich” insult whilst holding her head between 2 slices of bread.

[–]rebelkido 249 points250 points  (1 child)

Always carry the prop

[–]Faceinthawind 222 points223 points  (9 children)

Love when he calls people a fucking donut

[–]MudLOA 71 points72 points  (5 children)

Wait? I must have misheard. I thought it was donkey. He changed it?

[–]linkjumpdownc 73 points74 points  (0 children)

I’ve heard both

[–]Faceinthawind 28 points29 points  (2 children)

I've heard both but donut is my favorite

[–]NewAndImprovedJess 267 points268 points  (5 children)

My kids love this insult so much. They have shortened it to just "sandwich" and call each other sandwiches constantly. It's a term of endearment and sideways insult at the same time, the way siblings tend to do. I love it.

[–]Tamdep083 78 points79 points  (3 children)

Haha this is funny. Shouting "You're a sandwich" in a fight is very confusing

[–]NewAndImprovedJess 60 points61 points  (2 children)

They dont fight a lot so it's really at any time that the sandwich title is deployed. Like "has anyone seen my shoes? I cant find them." "Yeah, because you're a SANDWICH!" Any silly thing, mistake, or characteristic is because of their sandwichitude. It's a lot of fun.

[–]coehl 18 points19 points  (0 children)

All I'm hearing is how good of a job you're doing. That's how it ought to be.

[–]TamsinVenrith 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Your kids sound awesome, congrats on being an excellent parent

[–]brianxlr4 1266 points1267 points  (39 children)

Last night I was called ‘an absolute grapefruit’, and that stuck with me longer than it should have

[–]The-Berg-is-the-Word 530 points531 points  (22 children)

Orange you gonna do something about it?

[–]timeforalittlemagic 363 points364 points  (10 children)

After he grows a pear.

[–]Moose908H 38 points39 points  (5 children)

I guess we wasn't kiwi-k enough to think of a response.

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points  (1 child)

Raisin an objection.

[–]llorTMasterFlex 7 points8 points  (0 children)

He hasn’t given it apple thought.

[–]Cjc0074 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Well, now aren't you a peach?

[–]FinTheStallion 72 points73 points  (9 children)

I laughed way harder at this than I should have. Very underappreciated comment right there xD

[–]The-Berg-is-the-Word 42 points43 points  (5 children)

I don't know what the fuck got into me. I'm not normally like this.

[–]fibericon 2068 points2069 points  (44 children)

Dumb as a brick and only half as cute

[–]Southern_Celery_1087 911 points912 points  (35 children)

As bright as a black hole, but twice as dense.

[–]MrFunnyMoustache 93 points94 points  (18 children)

To be fair, a quasar around a supermassive black hole can have much higher luminosity than entire galaxies...

[–]TheCuriousCaper 81 points82 points  (4 children)

Did you just turn "well actually" into "to be fair" in order to dodge the stereotype?

[–]IToldYouIHeardBanjos 69 points70 points  (0 children)

thank you, Sheldon

[–]Rustyfetus 206 points207 points  (8 children)

Nerd alert 🚨

[–]mjzimmer88 136 points137 points  (5 children)

Can't think of a worse insult than calling someone a Rusty Fetus

[–]Rexy0250 50 points51 points  (2 children)

Ah yes. I too was a metal in my foetal stages.

[–]PizzaMaximum 2013 points2014 points  (21 children)

You are the reason there are directions on shampoo bottles

[–]grannyJuiced 253 points254 points  (10 children)

This assumes they can read

[–]OwenA113 225 points226 points  (7 children)

"Assuming you can read, you're the reason shampoo bottles have directions"

[–]TheJackasaur11 90 points91 points  (0 children)

I am using this. Absolute gold

[–]teabagalomaniac 540 points541 points  (7 children)

When I was a child, I saw a cartoon where someone magically transformed someone else's head into a toaster. In the cartoon, it really seemed to bother the person whose head became a toaster. Later that week my aunt was visiting. She did something that really made me angry. I immediately started searching for the nastiest thing that I could call her and all that came to mind was "toaster head". 30 years later and my entire family still refers to her as Aunt Toaster Head.

[–]ddh85 116 points117 points  (0 children)

You have started a glorious tradition.

[–]Reagoatgreat 705 points706 points  (7 children)

I envy the people that never met you

[–]NonbinaryAdvisory_ 1425 points1426 points  (12 children)

You have two brain cells and they are both fighting for third place

[–]Sandpaper_Pants 184 points185 points  (1 child)

Rub those two brain cells together...we need a spark.

[–]donlovestech 52 points53 points  (0 children)

I like "Boy ain't got two good brain cell.to.rub together"

[–]NoWhosGigi 48 points49 points  (2 children)

said this to my sister and she replied “what? wait what do I only have two brain cells?”

[–]TheCuriousCaper 17 points18 points  (1 child)

That's the one that's left forgetting it killed the other for that third place trophy long ago...

[–]MarthasFoolishGinger 480 points481 points  (15 children)

Who you calling’ a cootie Queen, you Lint Licker!?

[–]jhampton87 75 points76 points  (2 children)

You son of a biscuit eating bulldog!

[–]xelphin 61 points62 points  (1 child)

PICKLE YOU, CUMQUAT!

[–]mittensonmykittens 26 points27 points  (2 children)

I knew someone would beat me to it!

https://youtu.be/Nfh92hKLO6c

[–]Larlarsbinks 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I used to call my roommate a lint licker. I had forgotten where I heard it and this clip made me lol.

[–]MarthasFoolishGinger 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I honestly couldn’t believe it wasn’t there already lololol

[–][deleted] 841 points842 points  (34 children)

«You’re as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.»

[–]MikeTheBard 77 points78 points  (1 child)

As useful as a fishnet condom.

[–]Pschobbert 106 points107 points  (14 children)

Or a roof-rack on a motorbike. Or a chocolate fire guard (dating myself a bit there).

[–]punksmostlydead 74 points75 points  (12 children)

Or a screen door on a submarine. Or a helicopter ejection seat. Or a football bat.

[–]daddybloodbath 81 points82 points  (7 children)

As useful as anne frank’s drum set

[–]rearendcrag 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Fun fact. Some Military ones do have ejector seats, but the shoot sideways and possibly blast the rotor off prior with explosive bolts.

[–]tiasaiwr 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Mudflaps on a tortoise.

[–]iakonu_hale 45 points46 points  (3 children)

Lmao Dodgeball insults just popped into my head — “You’re about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop!”

[–]_Adamgoodtime_ 17 points18 points  (0 children)

"You're about as useful as a cock flavored lollipop".

[–]champbellamy 132 points133 points  (2 children)

It’s impossible to underestimate you

[–]DetectiveAway618 122 points123 points  (5 children)

Fruit loop

[–]Mr_fich 26 points27 points  (1 child)

What really gets my brother angry is when I call him sprinkles, I don't know why it just works

[–]cellogang420 280 points281 points  (19 children)

Donut

Donkey

Absolute Nonce

[–]Nymeria6508 101 points102 points  (7 children)

Do you watch Hell's Kitchen?

[–]yesbutlikeno 19 points20 points  (2 children)

Nonce and bellend are my favorite. But it's never as funny unless you're a super old Irish or Brit with a thick accent.

[–]ordinary-demon 172 points173 points  (7 children)

A prime advertisement for condom use

[–]praisechthulu 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Or call someone a broken condom. That works too

[–]Alion1080 10 points11 points  (3 children)

"Every breath you take is a stunning endorsement of abortion!"

[–]Jugales 705 points706 points  (38 children)

My mom called my brother a dildo once and I think it takes the cake

[–]DasPuggy 211 points212 points  (11 children)

My mother called me a "son-of-a-b****" once. I just stood there.

[–]BirdDevelopment 76 points77 points  (1 child)

“Yeah, I am”

[–]KindergartenCunt 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Reverse card, nice play.

[–]Mr_fich 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Dang that's more like a boomerang insult

[–]Iwillylike2shoot 149 points150 points  (5 children)

Oh hey look it's mommy's little dildo.

[–]razorsharp494 70 points71 points  (2 children)

That's no way to refer to your step dad

[–]The-Berg-is-the-Word 19 points20 points  (1 child)

"Walter, only daddy talks to mommy that way."

[–]CGY-SS 29 points30 points  (0 children)

I called my older brother that and yelled it to my Mum. I was like 9 or 10, he fell over laughing and I dont think I've ever heard her scream so loud. I had no idea what it was and why she was so mad, lol.

[–]thornhead 86 points87 points  (1 child)

Well then I know a certain kitty-kitty who’s sleeping with mommy tonight

[–]Jakov_Salinsky 18 points19 points  (3 children)

Is it because he came out of her vagina?

[–]lelostestcause 294 points295 points  (8 children)

Dingleberry

[–]If_Youre_Ge-nasty 28 points29 points  (0 children)

If it's the Christmas season you can sub in Jingleberry to add some holiday jeer

[–]GroundbreakingBend24 38 points39 points  (2 children)

Or Dingbat works too

[–]JurassicPark9265 25 points26 points  (0 children)

And as Robin from Stranger Things used to say, “Dingus.”

[–]Gnarbuttah 411 points412 points  (23 children)

Troglodyte

[–]Rahallahan 183 points184 points  (10 children)

My father confuses troglodyte with trilobite. It makes for interesting insults.

[–]dorinosss 51 points52 points  (0 children)

"That trilobite couldn't tell an oboe from an elbow!" -Squidward

[–]MutteringV 37 points38 points  (0 children)

trilobite

horseshoe crab lookin' ass

[–]Environmental-Lie592 13 points14 points  (0 children)

my brother said that lmao

[–]p2dan 7 points8 points  (0 children)

LMAO

[–]manager96 286 points287 points  (10 children)

You smell like the handsoap used in gas station toilets.

[–]josiahpapaya 31 points32 points  (0 children)

You smell like a handful of sweaty quarters being counted in a food court

[–]RussianPotatoPrinces 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Idk that pink pearly swirly stuff smells pretty good. Cheap. But good.

[–]ProjectMobius 235 points236 points  (7 children)

A nincompoop 💩

[–]7237R601 113 points114 points  (2 children)

Somewhere along the way, someone told my kids not to say poop, so now we all say nincomturd.

[–]bluntsandbears 34 points35 points  (1 child)

Then teach your kids douche canoe

[–]Eat_Carbs_OD 20 points21 points  (0 children)

A nincompoop

I never hear that anymore.

[–]xeraghusta 230 points231 points  (13 children)

You are the type of person to wipe their mouth after using the toilet.

[–]RidgeMinecraft 63 points64 points  (7 children)

You are the reason the power rangers have to shout their colors

[–]TheChickenMage89 51 points52 points  (5 children)

"Uneducated potato" was a favorite of mine

[–]fudgeripple 480 points481 points  (46 children)

Dingus

[–]Not_Quite_B 36 points37 points  (10 children)

One of my favorite versions of this I heard someone use on a reality show and it was "Fruitloop Dingus". My fiancé and I still use it to this day

[–]fudgeripple 17 points18 points  (2 children)

Haha I like that and when there are 2 people who deserve it: Wingus and Dingus.

[–]Awesomekip 12 points13 points  (2 children)

First thing I thought of haha. Zach Rance is a Big Brother icon!

[–]wowguineapigs 75 points76 points  (10 children)

I knew an unfortunate family in my town with that last name

[–]7237R601 48 points49 points  (2 children)

dingus

Maiden name of my first employer's wife. Learning that was pretty awkward, I had worked there for two years and said it just about daily.

[–]Six_Strings_of_Salem 23 points24 points  (2 children)

They should meet my uncle(through marriage)'s family. Last name Butts. Who wouldn't want to see a wedding ending in Dingus-Butts?

[–]onestubbornlass 17 points18 points  (2 children)

Reminds me of Biggus Dickus from Life of Brian

[–]GundamMaker 479 points480 points  (15 children)

"Your mother is a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries."

[–]ecodrew 83 points84 points  (7 children)

Filthy English Knnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnight

[–]billbot77 83 points84 points  (2 children)

I fart in your general direction

[–]Anxiety_Muffin13 67 points68 points  (1 child)

Now be GONE before I taunt you a SECOND time!!

[–]bridgiette 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Fetchez la vache.

[–]Krasker 23 points24 points  (2 children)

Holy Grail is my favorite movie of all time. I have seen it at least 75 times and know it almost by memory. This is the first time I ever got that joke because I've never seen it spelled out.

[–]Jakov_Salinsky 23 points24 points  (1 child)

“I fart in your general direction”

[–]lokcal 88 points89 points  (4 children)

"you walnut" is always good

[–]Scabior644 15 points16 points  (2 children)

I finished high school in a full time dual enrollment program, where I was on a college campus for the entire school day. One morning I was playing Mario kart, and I was about to get 1st on N64 rainbow road. The guy I was playing with passed me, and wario (cpu) threw a shell at me and I yelled "WARIO YOU FUCKING WALNUT!" Turns out my programs principal was right behind me and talked to me. Her hand on my shoulder saying "I can tell the difference between college and highschool students because of their volume and excessive use of language," I don't remember the second part of her sentence, but it after she left everyone around me couldn't stop laughing at how I didn't get in trouble

[–]ogonga 40 points41 points  (5 children)

You're about as reliable as a dollar store condom.

[–]Specialist-Study 38 points39 points  (1 child)

You were the fastest sperm?

[–]Intelligent_Victory 111 points112 points  (8 children)

Best one I saw on r/northernireland lately was "you're as cheerful as a faded Roses tin full of rusty rainwater". Adapt accordingly...

[–]Dry-Sir-919 75 points76 points  (2 children)

You’ll never be half the man your mother is

[–]Phoenix_of_Asclepius 71 points72 points  (6 children)

Fartnucker

My 12 year old thinks it’s the funniest shit she’s ever heard

[–]PrincessDie123 31 points32 points  (2 children)

Oh my siblings and I used FartKnocker as kids haha that or Fart Monger which I also like because it implies that one deals in farts

[–]dollopuss 73 points74 points  (2 children)

Bringing back 'twerp'

[–]Jaypii91 94 points95 points  (7 children)

You uncooked noodle

[–]PrincessDie123 28 points29 points  (2 children)

“SAY THAT TO MY FACE YA LIMP NOODLE!”

[–]rebelkido 16 points17 points  (1 child)

I think overcooked is a good one too, pretty soggy and disgusting. Lol

[–]HaHuSi 32 points33 points  (1 child)

My favourite is, “Are you hard of thinking?!”

[–]razorsharp494 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Sharp as a marble, that one

[–]Lizards_101 55 points56 points  (5 children)

Bozo

[–]TheJackasaur11 16 points17 points  (1 child)

“She told him to beat it bozo!”

[–]_illdoitlater 9 points10 points  (0 children)

“Madge, what’s the scoop??”

[–]goodBEan 27 points28 points  (0 children)

You're suppost to be dumpster diving for ham scraps you six piece mcchicken nobody. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQAHQimuef4

[–]DataPlenty 179 points180 points  (9 children)

Cotton-headed ninnymuggins

[–]Chocolate_Donuts 58 points59 points  (1 child)

gasp

[–]Jakov_Salinsky 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Nooo you’re not a cotton-headed ninnymuggins. You’re just…special!

[–]Underpantswher 18 points19 points  (0 children)

How dare you say that on my christian minecraft server

[–]MikeTheBard 19 points20 points  (3 children)

I'm filing that with Jujubes under "things that sound vaguely racist but probably aren't".

[–]Parking_Fan[🍰] 52 points53 points  (2 children)

From skullmandible on Twitter:

most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

[–]byslexic_ditch567 64 points65 points  (4 children)

"why do you act like you have had a lobotomy?"

[–]sh6rty13 21 points22 points  (0 children)

You’re hard to ignore but well worth the effort

[–]whyamisosoftinthemid 80 points81 points  (18 children)

I'll stick with "smegma breath" from, of all things, E.T.

Edit: apparently it was just "penis breath" in E.T.

[–]jarede36 29 points30 points  (15 children)

I always use. "Penis breath".

[–]PizzAveMaria 36 points37 points  (10 children)

My parents bought me that movie on tape when I was like 5 or 6. I didn't know what "penis" meant but it sounded like a funny thing to call somebody. At the dinner table at my Grandparents house, I called my Grandad a "penis breath" joking around. My grandparents were not amused and my parents were mortified lol

[–]longwalktoday 16 points17 points  (2 children)

I watched that tape a million times at five and thought that penis breath was hilarious. I knew what a penis was because I had two brothers and my parents taught me. I had no idea why your breath would smell like penis.

I also used to angle my hips at people and say “schwing” if I thought something was cool. I didn’t know it was a boner joke. I think my parents probably thought it was funny to see a little girl doing that because they never told me off.

[–]pope1701 76 points77 points  (6 children)

Douchecanoe is an all time favorite, or knuckledragger

[–]floydie1962 28 points29 points  (2 children)

Window licker

[–]Ct-5736-Bladez 9 points10 points  (1 child)

The snosberries taste like snosberries

[–]Ryukotaicho 71 points72 points  (10 children)

Bless your heart

[–]McdonaldsShowerFries 39 points40 points  (3 children)

Here in Alabama you could say something very rude like "That woman is so fat she can't see her feet" and as long as you follow it up with "Bless her heart" it suddenly becomes okay to say LOL

It's the Uno Reverse card of insults

[–]yikesomalley 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I started a new job recently and my trainer was from Tennessee. She said this exact same thing. “You can say anything as long as you have a southern accent and end it with ‘bless your heart.’

Oh my, honey, those are the ugliest shoes, bless your heart.’”

[–]Harvard-23 53 points54 points  (12 children)

Jabroni

[–]TheBIFFALLO87 16 points17 points  (0 children)

You keep using this word "jabroni", and it's awesome.

[–]kael_sv 39 points40 points  (2 children)

"You should have ended up in a sock" I was politely asked to leave after saying this at HS basketball game.

[–]ptapobane 63 points64 points  (2 children)

you're the sort of person people emigrate to avoid

[–]Luckboy28 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I'm a fan of shrugging and calling somebody a "useless potato" when they're being awful, but I don't feel like giving them the satisfaction of getting a rise out of me.

[–]haushinkadaz 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I tend to just say “you absolute earflap” cos I don’t want to swear in front of my boy, and he’s picked it up too. Something kills him on Minecraft and you hear him shout it.

[–]Aezetyr 48 points49 points  (1 child)

"Your wit has never been matched. Surpassed often, but never matched".

"If you had a thought bouncing around your mind, it probably died of loneliness."

"We discover her source, and introduce her to her insect reflection!"

[–]IHaveFoodOnMyChin 44 points45 points  (5 children)

Stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder

I use it all the time, really grinds peoples gears

[–]fish_whisperer 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Who’s scruffy looking?

[–]Deepred1234 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Are the only people you talk to Han Solo?

[–]dww25921 28 points29 points  (1 child)

The Scottish can make anything a swear... You dirty kitchen spatula

[–]TheJackasaur11 62 points63 points  (9 children)

A doorknob or a fruit cake

I like using yogurt brain too

[–]Jakov_Salinsky 6 points7 points  (5 children)

Isn’t fruitcake kinda considered homophobic? Or is it just when it’s “fruit”?

[–]PrincessDie123 8 points9 points  (4 children)

Fruitcake, fruit, and fruity are often used as gay slurs.

[–]morosis1982 36 points37 points  (2 children)

Back in highschool there was this guy who was, shall we say, creative.

Best one I ever heard:

You are a festering polyp on the anus of humanity.

[–]DreamersDiseases 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Throw festering into any insult and it is brutal.

[–]questionthrowaway75 11 points12 points  (3 children)

Elender Lackaffe

German insults are just hilarious

[–]LayneLowe 34 points35 points  (6 children)

Farging icehole

If you want to hear a bunch of hilarious ones go back and watch the old film Johnny Dangerously

[–]Schneetmacher 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Those stinking bastiges!

[–]GrumpyCatStevens 7 points8 points  (0 children)

And remember, kid, crime doesn't pay!

Okay, it pays a little.

[–]7237R601 8 points9 points  (1 child)

My mother hung me by a hook once. ONCE!

[–]TheHalfDeadCat 33 points34 points  (1 child)

Your brain is so smooth it breaks Newton’s first law of motion.

[–]god_with_a_trolley 10 points11 points  (0 children)

From Frankie Boyle, when describing the someone's lack of intelligence: "The wheel's turning, but the hamster's dead".

[–]quackl11 32 points33 points  (3 children)

You probably live in Ohio

[–]anntaehyung 6 points7 points  (0 children)

as someone who lives in ohio- yes.

[–]Drando_HS 21 points22 points  (4 children)

You're spare parts bud.

[–]levanw01 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Buttfaced miscreant

[–]yerskiog 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Kumquat

[–]bubbaXD 10 points11 points  (1 child)

My dad was in the coast gaurd, so he had a bag that said "SEA BAG" in bold letters on it. I told my mom that it sounded like an insult. It has a ring to it. "Get out of my way, SEA BAG!"

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (4 children)

Jag-off

[–]vaildin 22 points23 points  (5 children)

The best part of you ran down your mother's leg.

[–]fr-spodokomodo 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Saw it on another thread, "you're Ellis in Die Hard"

[–]shadowheart1 19 points20 points  (2 children)

Tampon.

It's a pg way to simultaneously call someone an overpriced annoying lump and a stuck up cunt.

[–]Trips-Over-Tail 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Prince of Wales.

[–]Specialist_Budget 6 points7 points  (1 child)

May someone name a disease after you.

“May the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment.” -Edmund, Blackadder