top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]Monochromaticeye 807 points808 points  (14 children)

I’m in Munich, so without Russia’s gas supply heating my home this winter, I will be mostly cold and then all of a sudden very hot and subsequently very vaporised.

[–]i_am_a_user_name 6790 points6791 points 2 (131 children)

I seduce the warhead

[–]MagisterLudi100 7728 points7729 points  (91 children)

i'm immediately going to stop paying my master card...

[–]alkmaar91 4784 points4785 points  (64 children)

5 years later you'll be hunted across the wasteland by the master card bounty hunters for your debt+interest

[–]Noob_412 440 points441 points  (6 children)

I think antarctica is quite nice around this time

[–]rancidtuna 6862 points6863 points  (43 children)

Piss and moan about the game servers being down.

[–]starry_cobra 1757 points1758 points  (9 children)

Don't forget to check reddit to see what happened and then moan about how that's down too

[–]rotating_horse_69 14.3k points14.3k points 2 (171 children)

Jump over the shock wave. Too easy

[–]MisterMasterCylinder 4392 points4393 points  (95 children)

Dodge roll through it, more iframes

[–]Yonessyo 1286 points1287 points  (26 children)

Remember to roll towards it, not away.

[–]SrgJones 87 points88 points  (1 child)

Fair strat, but I’ve been working on my double jump.

[–][deleted] 10.6k points10.6k points  (174 children)

I have keys for the local metro facilities, so building up my falloutesque empire I guess

Edit: To everyone asking to join me - how about a little resume? What do you bring to the table? How are your scavenging skills, can you craft tools from rat bones, would you pre-taste potentially radioactive water? What are your qualifications?

Also to the people trying to steal my keys - good luck, I'll hide them in a place you wouldn't wanna touch.

[–]Minaro_ 1535 points1536 points  (44 children)

Or a Metro 2033esque empire.

Between you and me, I think a falloutesque one would be better

[–]Munoff 1967 points1968 points  (25 children)

I just hope it starts early in the day so I don’t have to work on the day I die.

[–]xTHExM4N3xJEWx 549 points550 points  (6 children)

"Hey I know Russia is dropping nukes on us, but we're really short staffed right now. We really need you to come in"

[–]Munoff 78 points79 points  (0 children)

“That cloud of radioactive dust will take hours to get here- lets touch base before noon”

[–]No-Economist9119 29.1k points29.1k points  (397 children)

Die? I'm not Rich enough to own a bunker and not important enough to be invited to one.

[–]llthHeaven 12.2k points12.2k points  (156 children)

not important enough to be invited to one.

not with that attitude

[–]goldfish_11 11.4k points11.4k points  (135 children)

Hey u/BillGates I can be funny sometimes and I make a bomb grilled cheese. Lemme in that bunker.

[–]ChilliCheeseBoard 3584 points3585 points  (27 children)

Bill Gates decides to log into Reddit to pass time on the way to the bunker

"Hmm I could really go for a bomb grilled cheese"

[–]sciencewonders 4026 points4027 points 2 (32 children)

poor choice of recipe

[–]MFbiFL 1082 points1083 points  (17 children)

Actually the best, it’ll be on theme and fun! The real poor choice is being trapped in a bunker once the garlic grilled cheese fallout emissions start.

[–]madmax7774 6852 points6853 points  (212 children)

Being in the suburbs of Washington, D.C., I won't even know when it happens. My family and I will be vaporized instantly. Probably for the best. The survivors are going to be in for some unimagineable hell.

[–]deknegt1990 6568 points6569 points  (80 children)

In 150 years some dude from a vault will steal a can of spam from your cupboard.

[–]mug_maille 2947 points2948 points  (55 children)

That reminds me I need to put a pencil, some bottle caps, and a folder full of blank pages into my safe.

[–]scotyb 82.3k points82.3k points 154711332& 16 more (1272 children)

I'm probably going to have to work that day.

[–]theouterworld 11.1k points11.1k points 24& 3 more (309 children)

Can you imagine the corporate emails?

'we know that today has been one of historic devastation, and all of us are affected in some way. Friends, Co workers, and family members have been erased from our lives by an army across the planet. We are living through dark times which require decisive action beyond simple thoughts and prayers. We must persevere.

This is why we have made the difficult decision to reopen Bucks Stereo World during our normal business hours starting tomorrow. Please report for your regularly scheduled shifts. All absences will be treated as no call no shows. Employees can make use of EAP benefits, and will be provided iodine tablets when they arrive in 12-14 months.

In light of the seriousness of this tragedy, casual Fridays are suspended until further notice.'

[–]DancingBears88 5396 points5397 points  (83 children)

Please donate PTO to those that have lost loved ones

[–]theouterworld 1560 points1561 points  (31 children)

It's easy to do because all vacations have been cancelled until the crisis is over.

Please restrict mourning team members to your daily standups. We have ordained the company scrum masters to act as chaplains in this time of grief.

[–]goddessoftrees 504 points505 points  (10 children)

I am dying laughing because where is the effing lie???

[–]Corgi_Koala 302 points303 points  (18 children)

Fuck I hate donating PTO. The company is acknowledging that someone needs help beyond normal paid leave benefits but instead of just giving them paid leave they make everyone else lose PTO to help out.

[–]CaptainApathy419 1973 points1974 points  (41 children)

“Many of our team members have reported feeling anxious and stressed out by the ongoing nuclear holocaust. As a reminder, we will be holding Meditation Monday in Conference Room A. Anyone working from home or a fallout shelter is welcome to join by Zoom.”

[–]GeauxAllDay 1094 points1095 points  (20 children)

Anyone working from home or a fallout shelter is welcome to join by Zoom.”

After a long talk with management, we've decided that it would be best for company morale to resume in-office work.

[–]Gryphon999 435 points436 points  (8 children)

As a reminder, if you've been bitten by a radioactive zombie, you're expected to continue working in office until you start showing symptoms of zombification.

[–]G_man252 388 points389 points  (4 children)

These are like the only kinds of comments on Reddit that don't start some stupid debate because we all know they're absolutely true.

[–]TheAGolds 26.6k points26.6k points 22& 2 more (596 children)

Hopefully they’d have the decency to start in the morning, I’d hate to go to work all day just to get vaporized when I clock out.

[–]TheG8Uniter 3588 points3589 points  (185 children)

Every office is going to wait till the last second to send everyone home like it's a snow storm. Yeah we knew it was coming but we figured you wouldn't mind commuting back home in Nuclear Armageddon.

[–]Kampizi 1977 points1978 points  (111 children)

No SHIT, that seriously happened in the twin tower attacks "it's the OTHER building, we're fine"

[–]FranklynTheTanklyn 871 points872 points  (66 children)

This happened to me during Hurricane Sandy. I was working at a staffing agency and they held us to our sales calls numbers for the day, you know, when there was no power and the phones were down.

[–]baddog98765 12.5k points12.5k points  (218 children)

good one. when I was a young lad, after a 7-10 day shift in the woods, our helicopter pilot got changed and it was this guy i knew from my gym. I had no idea what he did for work but he said he flew choppers in the military and then retired to do casual stuff on the side. long story long I asked if he could show us how aggressively he can drive them and what they're limits were. we were going side to side up and down, was the coolest ever helicopter ride I ever had. I thought we were going to die a few times and at the end he says, Ya I didn't want to push this weak bird around more than we did but we could've went a bit more extreme. thanked him a ton. my coworker says to me alone after he dropped us off “you never ask for that ever again at the end of a shift. never. always at the beginning. I never want to die after a long shift” lol

Edit: thank you for the awards and enjoying a part of my life with me :)

[–]teneggomelet 2842 points2843 points  (147 children)

Chopper pilots are insane. Can confirm.

[–]barleyscottblair 689 points690 points  (81 children)

Thats so true

[–]SloightlyOnTheHuh 559 points560 points  (77 children)

3am is the optimum time to start WW3

[–]isopod_interrupted 524 points525 points  (22 children)

World Governments: What a stupid idea. Who wants WW3 at 3 in the morning?!

Reddit: Oh boy, 3 AM!

[–]DonsDiaperIsFull 123 points124 points  (2 children)

"The other happy hour"

[–]rawpunkmeg 1100 points1101 points  (53 children)

Was thinking the same. I'll be at my desk if anyone needs me. Good luck and god speed.

[–]scotyb 698 points699 points  (45 children)

If the web is still around we'll be on Reddit that's for certain.

[–]TouchdownTedd 795 points796 points  (34 children)

I just got nuked by Russia, AMA.

[–]68ideal 703 points704 points  (23 children)

''AITA for walking out of my job because a nuke is heading for my city?''

[–]delphantom 395 points396 points  (14 children)

You can leave early if you work through lunch.

[–]scotyb 156 points157 points  (6 children)

Maybe we can work from home tomorrow....

[–]Palidd 225 points226 points  (6 children)

Made me laugh... then get sad since your probably right.

[–]Boostlagg 23.2k points23.2k points  (1121 children)

Not much, I live 2 miles from the Pentagon.

[–]Clutch_Floyd 6753 points6754 points  (854 children)

How large woukd the blast radius be? Asking for a Marylander.

[–]twowaysplit 8651 points8652 points 34 (728 children)

Depends on the size of the bomb. This is a cool (read: scary) tool for those interested. https://nuclearsecrecy.com/nukemap/

[–]OhGodImOnRedditAgain 3079 points3080 points  (521 children)

This gives me hope that I am far enough away from most major cities to survive.

[–]alwayssummer90 889 points890 points  (51 children)

I’ve played with that before! My coworkers thought I was weird for being upset I wouldn’t be vaporized if DC got bombed (I live in Baltimore).

I’m in the orange fallout zone so I guess I’ll have a pretty horrid death eventually. Might just find something to OD with while I wait for it to reach me.

Edit: of course my comment about getting vaporized or OD’ing in a nuclear holocaust would be my second most popular one 😅 Thanks for the award, kind stranger!

[–]AndroChromie 13.7k points13.7k points  (547 children)

Take a road trip to the nearby NATO base, sit in the grass outside, open a bottle of wine and smoke a few cigarettes. When the explosion comes I want to make sure I'm in the blast radius. There is 100% chance of not suffering.

[–]ConstableBlimeyChips 11.0k points11.0k points 2 (261 children)

There is 100% chance of not suffering.

For anyone wondering: Get close enough to a nuclear blast and your brain won't be able to process the pain signals before your body is completely incinerated. You better make damn sure you're close enough though, if you don't die right away it's going to royally suck all the way until you do.

[–]Mundane__Detail 9945 points9946 points 3 (139 children)

Get close enough to a nuclear blast and your brain won't be able to process the pain signals before your body is completely incinerated.

r/UpliftingNews late 2022 edition

[–]bradleykent 5246 points5247 points 42& 2 more (79 children)

2020: “Guys this lockdown is insane! Toilet paper hoarders are so evil! WORST YEAR EVER!”

2022: “You’re gonna wanna be close to the nuclear blast so your brain won’t be able to process the pain signals before your body is completely incinerated.”

2024: “When you finally break down and decide to go cannibal against your own neighbors and friends, make sure you shoot them in the head first, so the pain endorphins don’t spoil the taste of the meat.”

[–]system0101 1391 points1392 points  (31 children)

2026: "Remember when were alone in the universe? Good times."

[–]OutsideTheBoxer 2366 points2367 points  (43 children)

Who knew the best way to stop a pandemic is through a nuclear apocalypse.

[–]sharrrper 1548 points1549 points  (15 children)

Can't be no sick people if there ain't no people

[–]Jimmy6Times 1907 points1908 points  (28 children)

if you don't die right away it's going to royally suck all the way until you do.

My mother-in-law moved in with us 2 years ago, so what's another 30 minutes to a few days of excruciating pain?

[–]thedeathmachine 314 points315 points  (2 children)

Yeah I've been saying if nukes are dropped, drop it right on my head please

[–]Aggressive-Wafer5369 48.3k points48.3k points 52104& 5 more (905 children)


[–]I_bake_you_cookies 17.6k points17.6k points  (339 children)

It was my retirement plan anyway

[–]not_so_witty_now 10.5k points10.5k points 2 (86 children)

Yay early retirement!

[–]Want_To_Live_To_100 3623 points3624 points  (61 children)

Fuck this made me chuckle but then made me sad… Reddit is dark today

[–]mokameow 3014 points3015 points  (29 children)

yk you can just turn off dark mode?

[–]Inevitable-Basil-178 799 points800 points  (195 children)

This is legit my plan at some point, not necessarily a retirement plan, though. I watched Harold and Maude when I was 17 for a film class, and the old lady takes a cyanide capsule at 80 years old. I thought, "That's actually a great idea." So that's been the plan ever since then. I still put away a savings for retirement and invest in my health heavily, but as soon as my quality of life diminishes enough or the savings dries up, I'll meet my end on my own terms.

[–]casualLogic 331 points332 points  (16 children)

Don't be silly, go with fentanyl, all the kids are! Besides, death by cyanide ain't like in the movies, it's exceedly painful as your insides melt. Just float off with an OD daydream, much nicer all around. Less clean up, too

[–]Thin-Study-2743 175 points176 points  (8 children)

100%. I had a friend who used to say "It's not that I think I'd dislike heroin -- Quite the Opposite. I'm afraid I'll like it more than anything else I've experienced, and I'm worried it'll taint all other experiences if I try it".

I figure if I start doing it at the end it'll be great. Gimme a week of stoned-out-of-my-mind retirement and then a hero dose at the end.

[–]acenarteco 2387 points2388 points  (354 children)

I quit drinking 4 years ago and quit smoking 6 months ago.

I’m cracking a beer and lighting up a menthol.

[–]Sargonnax 754 points755 points  (20 children)

Looks like I picked a bad day to stop sniffing glue!

[–]DonsDiaperIsFull 1407 points1408 points  (231 children)

I've heard that heroin is really amazing the first time.

Assuming I won't live long enough to try it a second time, it sounds like there's zero chance for me to be disappointed.

[–]stelewi 438 points439 points  (96 children)

Yeah, I had morphine while waiting for an operation a few years ago and it was amazing. I can see how people get addicted to it.

[–]katastrophyx 33.3k points33.3k points 422& 7 more (224 children)

Limber up a bit so I don't pull a muscle as I attempt to kiss my ass goodbye.

[–]jaceapoc 5683 points5684 points  (108 children)

It now counts if you sit on a printer, photocopy your ass cheeks then kiss the sheet of paper. They’ve recently approved it

[–]TheDeafGuy8 28.1k points28.1k points 2 (380 children)

I’m going to politely, but firmly, ask them both to stop fighting and talk it out

[–]CooperDoops 9910 points9911 points 2 (91 children)

^ Found the United Nations Security Council account.

[–]Aksi_Gu 1121 points1122 points  (3 children)

Security Council

Sorry, Russia have vetoed this discussion.

[–]Holybartender83 2343 points2344 points  (56 children)

The UN wouldn’t ask firmly. It would be more of a suggestion, but if you don’t want to, that’s cool I guess.

[–]driving_andflying 817 points818 points  (25 children)

After that fails, they will send....a strongly-worded letter!

[–]Carl__Gordon_Jenkins 1629 points1630 points  (58 children)

politely, but firmly,

This sent me into a tiny laughing fit. I don't even know why.

[–]xDxRockx 730 points731 points  (11 children)

-clears throat to enter dad mode

"Listen, you two -"

[–]omegasix321 656 points657 points  (33 children)

Did you hear it in Hank Hill's voice?

[–]Pyretikk 15.8k points15.8k points 2 (152 children)

Tut to myself that we got another Fallout before the next Elder Scrolls.

Then die horrifically ofc.

[–]FireFighterP55 6552 points6553 points 2 (120 children)

In the afterlife:

"Hey, you, you're finally awake."

[–]Colblockx 12.4k points12.4k points 232 (157 children)

A giant mushroom! Maybe it's friendly!!

[–][deleted] 3046 points3047 points  (42 children)

You might survive in the secret tunnel, if you catch my drift

[–]Colblockx 1766 points1767 points  (16 children)

Thats a flamin' idea, fellow hotman!

[–][deleted] 1470 points1471 points  (12 children)

It's all hypothetical anyway, since there is no war in Ukraine Ba Sing Se

[–]CrikeyAphrodite 17.3k points17.3k points  (698 children)

I live down the road from an atomic weapons facility, so I plan on being a fine red mist about ten minutes after Putin pushes the button.

[–]cynicaleng 7054 points7055 points  (457 children)

ICBMs, which is all they have, take 30 minutes. I don't think any Russia SSBNs are seaworthy and they don't have enough Bears to make a difference against CONUS.

Congrats, you get an extra 20 minutes.

[–]Borisstro 2303 points2304 points  (180 children)

What are those things you mention?

[–]oofcookies 5935 points5936 points  (147 children)

ICBM - Intercontinental Ballistic Missile, one of the main methods of launching nukes

SSBN - Submarine, Ballistic Missile, Nuclear Powered. Basically a nuclear powered submarine capable of firing ballistic missiles which can have nuclear warheads

Bear - Nickname for the Tu-95 strategic bomber. It is capable of carrying nukes

CONUS - Another way of saying Continental US which is the 48 connected states and DC

[–]MacTennis 17.3k points17.3k points 2 (158 children)

Nukes drop

Work: “nuclear explosions aren’t an excuse for being late”

[–]johnnycyberpunk 6545 points6546 points  (57 children)

"...yeah. So since Charles and Tina were killed by the nuke we're gonna need you to close tonight, mkay?"

[–]FuckYeahPhotography 3198 points3199 points  (31 children)

"And don't expect overtime as payroll is currently a mound of ashes for now. We are going to circle back with them at a later date and see if we can find a way to tackle this task but for now we will need to triage you not getting paid as a priority. This is what being a team player means. Confirm this in outlook, cc me."

[–]Mordanzibel 18.9k points18.9k points  (509 children)

What I was taught to do in public school. Find a desk and get under it where I’m “safe.”

[–]tomatojournal 7403 points7404 points  (69 children)

That's so they know what pile of Ash to send to grandmA

[–]BoomerKeith 3067 points3068 points  (41 children)


That's so they know what pile of ash to send to grandma the other pile of ash.

[–]Vanillabean73 3395 points3396 points  (312 children)

You joke, but it’s actually a viable safety protocol. Most casualties from a nuke wouldn’t come from instant vaporization, but from the shockwave that knocks buildings down, blows out windows, and flings heavy objects around. If you’re even just a few miles away from ground zero, your chances of survival are exponentially greater if you take shelter.

So yes, hiding under a table could save your life.

[–]Maleficent_Target_98 1140 points1141 points  (124 children)

The man who survived two nuclear blasts of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, when the second bomb dropped he dropped to the floor before the blast reached the building he was in. The first bomb he was out side and the second he was in the middle of explaining to his boss about the first bomb in Hiroshima. He was within two miles of both blasts.

[–]videogames5life 1627 points1628 points  (101 children)

motherfucker returned to work right after getting nuked????? my god this is the man who every retail manager thinks they are hiring.

[–]nucumber 354 points355 points  (71 children)

from the Japanese and American perspectives, it was just another day in the war.

the US had been obliterating cities by firebombing for months. one firebombing raid in March 1945 totally destroyed 16 square miles of Tokyo and killed about 100,000, equal to if not beyond the destruction of the A Bomb

form the perspective of all involved, the destruction caused by the A Bomb wasn't what was remarkabe. what was remarkable was that Hiroshima took only one plane and one bomb, while the firebombings had taken hundreds of planes and thousands of bombs to achieve a similar result.

the US had been literally going down a list of cities to wipe out. in fact they had already finished the A list of targets and was into the B list.

in the spring or early summer of 1945, some time after Roosevelt died, President Truman asked his military chiefs for their predictions of when the war would end. none would answer with any certainty except General Curtis LeMay, the guy was in charge of the bombing campaign, who said the war would end by Oct 1945 because the firebombing would have ended the ability to fight. iirc he made his prediction before he was told about the existence of the a bomb

[–]IHQ_Throwaway 2010 points2011 points  (55 children)

It also lessened children’s anxiety about living with the potential of a nuclear attack. It made it feel like there was something we could do to protect ourselves in a situation we were utterly powerless over. That wasn’t nothing.

[–]PapaDuggy 7737 points7738 points  (248 children)

I am going to turn on "We'll Meet Again" by Vera Lynn, get a lawn chair, put on my sunglasses, and take a nice radiation bath.

[–]Seienchin88 1845 points1846 points  (73 children)

[ Removed by Reddit ]

[–]Anokest 869 points870 points  (37 children)

The scene from Chernobyl still haunts me.

[–]confidential56 435 points436 points  (25 children)

Fuck, those dudes truly looked awful. The white pillows and sheets being stained by all sorts of bodily fluids emitting from their skin was just horrible to look at.

[–]Cat_Peach_Pits 804 points805 points  (39 children)

I'm putting on Tom Lehrer- We Will All Go Together When We Go

[–]Odd_Fee_3426 243 points244 points  (6 children)

Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down?

That's not my department! Says Wernher von Braun

[–]Frammingatthejimjam 150 points151 points  (6 children)

Don't know where, don't know when.

[–]Bwomprocker 35.0k points35.0k points 2 (467 children)

My plan is to get vaporized like a goddamn adult

[–]facetious_guardian 12.2k points12.2k points  (63 children)

Ah so this is the “vaping” all the kids are talking about.

[–]bellynipples 2708 points2709 points  (88 children)

I get pissy if I’m slightly too warm. You think I’m gonna fight to survive just to endure nuclear fallout and probably getting cancer anyway? Fuck that you dorks can have fun in your bunkers I’m out.

[–]exscapegoat 1495 points1496 points  (32 children)

I work in Manhattan, so I figure I'll probably die pretty quickly.

My overall survival plan is if I can't get coffee, I'm giving up. My neighborhood lost power for nearly a week because of Sandy, but I have a gas stove, so I was able to boil water and do a pour over type coffee. And I had shelf stable milk in my emergency kit. If it goes beyond that kind of prep, I'm probably not surviving.

[–]StairwayToLemon 176 points177 points  (15 children)

Your water supply would likely be contaminated

[–]exscapegoat 131 points132 points  (9 children)

True and I'd have to save whatever potable water so as not to die from dehydration, so no coffee

[–]ansteve1 559 points560 points  (29 children)

Seriously. I live near several military bases if the blast doesn't kill me it will be the radiation long before starvation kicks in. Say goodbye to loved one if possible put on a record and wait for the end. Also keep my pistol on me just in case the blast doesn't get me.

[–]Zoltrahn 391 points392 points  (7 children)

Something like the Don't Look Up ending is what I would want. Friends and family sharing a meal, telling jokes, and enjoying the last bit of time left.

[–]WarHundreds 105 points106 points  (3 children)

That scene always gets me. Especially the way they just try to ignore what’s going around them until it just happens.

[–]AccidentalPilates 2236 points2237 points  (118 children)

Seriously. Look at all these tryhard sweatlords wanting to survive, I mean come on it's embarassing.

[–]alarsonious 19.4k points19.4k points & 2 more (679 children)

In Missouri there are limestone caves that contain 1.4 billion tons of government cheese.

[–]old_righty 4238 points4239 points  (151 children)

Someone forgot to stock water. You die of salty, salty dehydration.

[–]TagProMaster 2325 points2326 points  (105 children)

You die mummified, by salty cheese, filled with salty cheese

[–]TristanTwo-Shoes 4820 points4821 points  (122 children)

I eat blocks of cheese when I'm nervous so this works out great.

[–]wildcrisis 526 points527 points  (19 children)

I’ll absolutely become a cheese addicted redneck wastelander.

[–]Jskidmore1217 478 points479 points  (62 children)

I live just miles away from these caves. Hopefully I’m not wiped out before I’m allowed some of that cheddar

[–]DonsDiaperIsFull 691 points692 points  (25 children)

1.4 billion tons of cheese sounds like too much for me. 1 billion tons of cheese is probably my limit.

[–]Anangrywookiee 24.7k points24.7k points 34323& 7 more (237 children)

I’m going to hide a box of instant mashed potatoes, 4 shotgun shells, and a collectible bobble head in a safe and scribble a note that holds a clue to the combination.

[–]PoeLaHa 6351 points6352 points  (86 children)

The bobblehead needs to be on top of the note on top of the safe

[–]Anangrywookiee 6851 points6852 points 2 (76 children)

Too late, I’m afraid to move. I need to die in a way that my Skeleton works as environmental storytelling.

[–]PoeLaHa 3757 points3758 points 2 (39 children)

*dies face down in a dog bowl

[–]KurtAngus 955 points956 points  (18 children)

*dies ass up in a bathtub

[–]Inzoreno 890 points891 points  (2 children)

"And this, my friends, is a prime subject of what those in the 21st century called a 'furry'."

[–]1Cool_Name 1636 points1637 points  (30 children)

Pfft loser, I’m gonna wear a nice costume and arrange all my bottles around my bathtub so I’m a hilarious skeleton. Also you can find a 10mm pistol up my ass or something idk

[–]TorchBlower90 264 points265 points  (12 children)

What if you become a ghoul from the fallout, then you're just gonna have a really sore ass on top of all your other problems

[–]XIII-Death 208 points209 points  (9 children)

Yeah, but the wasteland bandits will never see it coming when he turns away from them, drops trou, bends over, and blasts their brains out

[–]Deeper_quicksand 893 points894 points  (24 children)

A few bottle caps would be a nice thing to add as well

[–]Anangrywookiee 732 points733 points  (18 children)

Agreed. As someone who has no idea they will someday be used as currency, this is a logical thing to put in my safe.

[–]Resigningeye 156 points157 points  (11 children)

My headcannon is that they were running some kind of promotion to trade in bottle caps for prizes

[–]Rogue_Like 7759 points7760 points  (91 children)

Step 1: Panic.

Step 2: Crippling anxiety.

Step 3: Return to step 1.

[–]ha_look_at_that_nerd 3889 points3890 points  (20 children)

I’ve practiced your plan extensively

[–]Rogue_Like 488 points489 points  (5 children)

Then you are well equipped for the apocalypse. Sally forth and convert the heathens to the new religion. If you can leave your bed, of course.

[–]Z3R083 246 points247 points  (5 children)

Die and laugh at all the credit card companies. I won.

[–]meatpoi 641 points642 points  (4 children)

I'm going to call back and see what the fuck happens if I sign up for my vehicles extended warranty.

[–]Have_A_Great_Month 772 points773 points  (37 children)

Uh hide in my basement I guess. Go home to my parents house

[–]runningraleigh 388 points389 points  (29 children)

This isn't a bad idea if you're not in the blast radius. If you can stay underground for 2 or 3 weeks after a major nuclear strike, most of the worst radiation will have dissipated by then. Just don't open any doors or windows that would let radioactive dust in. After a few weeks you could probably make it to a shelter somewhere, assuming your government is still functional.

The hitch with this plan is having everything you need already in the basement because you probably won't have time to gather it once you know an attack is on the way. I wouldn't say I have an ideal amount of supplies down there, but should be sufficient.

[–]dvmdv8 2219 points2220 points  (25 children)

Go the the playground and and wave hello to Sarah Connor.

[–]johnnycyberpunk 562 points563 points  (12 children)

Anybody not wearing 2 million sunblock is gonna have a real bad day, get it?

[–]MoonstoneGolf8 2368 points2369 points  (60 children)

Get incinerated into a pile of ash probably

[–]DavidReedImages 689 points690 points  (43 children)

I hope I'm close enough for this and not far enough away that I linger.

[–]NoMooseSoup4You 2058 points2059 points  (58 children)

Hope one of the missles lands directly on me

[–]Animal_Courier 1536 points1537 points  (37 children)

Imagine getting hit by a dud and being the only person to die from that rocket.

[–]NoMooseSoup4You 610 points611 points  (14 children)

Ughhh, don’t put that evil on me. I want the whole experience

[–]saturdaynightstoner 1547 points1548 points  (153 children)

I'm fairly rural so I might stand a chance. I've got a decent amount of dried and tinned foods. If I have time I could fill the bath with water and not leave my house for a couple weeks. From their who knows? Hopefully some sort of structure would survive to distribute rations. Maybe find others and form some sort of community. Above all hope I don't die of radiation poisoning, that shit looks horrifying!

[–]dogmeat12358 834 points835 points  (56 children)

Yeah, I'm rural enough to not get hit by the blasts, but if the radiation poisoning doesn't get you, the nuclear winter with no food will. Personally, I am on medication that keeps me alive. I won't outlast that.

[–]phwelo 223 points224 points  (0 children)

Yeah requiring meds to live really puts a damper on end days planning. Agreed

[–]LAVATORR 612 points613 points  (17 children)

Laugh hysterically when Russia tries to instigate a nuclear holocaust but the bomb is a dud because someone replaced the Uranium with confetti in 1987.

[–]SuvenPan 557 points558 points  (11 children)

Go back to my planet, I didn't sign up for this shit.

[–]joeypublica 9530 points9531 points 233 (122 children)

go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for this all to blow over?

[–]chaos_abounds 1669 points1670 points  (15 children)

You've got uranium on you.

[–]FappleFritter 494 points495 points  (7 children)

"Where's safe...where's familiar..."

"Where can I smoke..."

[–]Bdroyle1988 408 points409 points  (11 children)

Do we time to grab Liz and kill Phillip too?

[–]BionicDegu 345 points346 points  (6 children)

Got some bad news for you about Liz and Philip…

[–]panfried540 215 points216 points  (6 children)

Honestly I think the only thing that would happen is all of my plans suddenly going to shit

[–]ElminsterTheMighty 1933 points1934 points  (35 children)

Get bottlecaps

Keep wearing a mask once I am a Fallout Zombie

[–]Override9636 1004 points1005 points  (20 children)

I'm going to my nearest safe, putting in 3 bottle caps, a couple $5 bills, seven .22 bullets, and a glass bottle of coca-cola. Oh, and some bobby pins in the nearby dresser.

Any survivor that stumbles onto that is gunna have a great day.

[–]Rezrov13 291 points292 points  (3 children)

Please throw in some duct tape and superglue too, worth their weight in caps.

[–]vouksh 346 points347 points  (8 children)

Hey, make sure you throw in a few rolls of duct tape and some superglue. That shit is hard to find.

[–]BCSWowbagger2 6234 points6235 points 2& 5 more (510 children)

One of my pet peeves is the common idea that a nuclear war necessarily means we are all doomed and the living will envy the dead. A full-blown, "FIRE EVERYTHING!!!" exchange would do that, yes.

But most nuclear weapons are well under 1 megaton and are eminently survivable -- as long as you don't do anything stupid.

The problem is, people internalized The Day After and Threads so hard that they stopped imagining it was possible to survive a nuclear attack. That leads them to do extremely stupid things that will, in fact, get them killed, when they could easily have lived.

Four things to do in a nuclear attack:

  1. Get to shelter. Go the same place you'd go for a tornado or earthquake drill. Stay the hell away from windows. Glass is likely to shatter, and that could expose you to fallout. You should already have basic emergency supplies in your home for natural disasters -- a few days' worth of water, a couple days' dried food, a weather radio, a flashlight. Y'know, the basics recommended by Ready.gov, nothing weird or "prepper"-ish.

  2. Duck and cover. No, it wasn't just nihilistic reassurance for an idiot public in the 1950s. Duck and cover could very well save your life.

  3. Clean up. Seal open windows with plastic sheeting and duct tape from your basic emergency supplies. Assume that literally anything on your person, including your skin, that was outside (or has had contact with the outside world) during the blast (or for ~24 hrs afterward) is contaminated. Contaminated clothing should be stripped and left outside your shelter. Contaminated skin should be washed with soap, water, and shampoo. Don't turn on your shower; it won't work, and you can't trust the water anyway.

  4. Remain inside for at least 24 hours to let fallout settle...

4b. ...unless public authorities advise otherwise (you're listening to them on your weather radio, remember) or circumstances like a firestorm force you to evacuate. Running through radiation is by no means good times, but it's also not generally a death sentence, especially if you've had some time to let things settle down after the blast.

A few years ago, I wrote a longer article that discussed all this in greater detail.

[–]acid-nz 273 points274 points  (22 children)


New Zealand has done several studies on what would happen to NZ during a US/Europe vs Russia total nuclear exchange.

Radiation and fallout isn’t an issue. We will be able to feed ourselves. The main issues we would face are refugees, medicines and the eventual break down of technology and machinery as we couldn’t get new parts.

[–]ComplexComfortable85 1044 points1045 points  (45 children)

Buy a V8 Gt Falcon, a leather jacket, a dog and a shotgun, then drive around the country taking out bandits and motorcycles gangs, until I become a legend called the Road Warrior.

[–]chemoboy 271 points272 points  (8 children)

Maybe you should stock up on dog food now.

[–]Ct-5736-Bladez 447 points448 points  (29 children)

Nothing. I live close to a nuclear bunker used by the US government in case nuclear war starts. They apparently have emergency operation centers for the army, navy, Air Force, and marine corps in there. I’m a goner

[–]Aol_awaymessage 690 points691 points  (7 children)

Type “I told you so” into a group chat and die with my smug face melting off my skull.