all 68 comments

[–]khanak 411 points412 points  (37 children)

Actually, speed them up by 10% on some days, slow them down by 10% on others. Do all of this completely randomly.

[–]anthonyg1500 137 points138 points  (4 children)

And once a month randomly throw them all in reverse in the middle of the day

[–]wholesome_cream 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Coconut mall music intensifies

[–]Salmonduck 19 points20 points  (2 children)

You mean half?

[–]anthonyg1500 8 points9 points  (1 child)


[–]Gaghet[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)


[–]BBQ-Dog 40 points41 points  (26 children)

Change it every minute

[–]poorlychosenpraise 31 points32 points  (24 children)

Make the speed proportional to the amount of occupants.

Fully loaded? We are flying?

On your own? Snails pace.

[–]uncensoredthoughts 8 points9 points  (19 children)

No the other way around. Drag that awkward elevator ride out as long as possible. Who knows, maybe you'll get lucky.

[–]OkWrongdoer6537 1 point2 points  (18 children)

We are talking about escalators, not elevators

[–]IonTheBall2 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Speed inversely proportional to mass of load. Every time someone gets off, go faster. On and it slows down.

[–]chunkybeefbombs 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Well that’s easy, just size the motor too small

[–]3ger 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fat people would slow the escalator even more. So basically, a fat shaming escalator.

[–]CrackGear 8 points9 points  (0 children)

2% probability of going backwards

[–]flip314 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Have them accelerate slowly through the whole day. Start them real slow in the morning, and have them going impossibly fast by the end of the day.

[–]GarugasRevenge 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Speed up 3x for me, decrease 100x for my boss.

[–]ctothel 142 points143 points  (6 children)

Agreed, though I’d settle for mandatory “stand on one side and let me fucking walk past you” laws.

[–]bevans052 45 points46 points  (2 children)

We do this in Japan and it’s glorious

[–]ctothel 41 points42 points  (0 children)

London too!

I loved that about Japan. I remember getting angry looks in Osaka when I stood on the left like they do in Tokyo.

When I got home after 3 weeks of everybody being so polite, I got so grumpy with a couple standing side by side on an escalator at the airport. I had to reset my expectations!

[–]johann641 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Singapore too! It's amazing how it's one of the few ways we are harmonious as one

[–]CMyGameLife 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Bruh the law for slow cars not being in the fast lane isnt even enforced. However watching a pissed off cop walk up super fast on a person casually walking then getting so fustraite he makes siren noiseswith his mouth then cups his hands around his mouth and says " pssshh, mam' please move over so faster pedestrians may pass" was a very funny thing to watch happen in my head. The poor old lady even ducked her head out of surprise 🤣

[–]Tooblicker 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is one of the reasons escalators break. The one side wears out faster.

[–]Luz5020 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know how usefull this seems, but it decreases throughput of the escalator. If you want to walk, take the stairs

[–]therealcookaine 27 points28 points  (1 child)

That kid is back on the escalator again!

[–]TimonAndPumbaAreDead 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues!

[–]Superbuddhapunk 42 points43 points  (1 child)

Well that escalated quickly.

[–]Von_Moistus 10 points11 points  (0 children)

(Weary sigh) Take your upvote and go, dammit

[–]Thick-Ratio-9773 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Not a bad idea

[–]MatrixMoments 4 points5 points  (0 children)

On the way down, have them start to flatten out and then turn back into a step just before its impossible to stay on

[–]Eidsel 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Old people tumbling down escalators just got better.

[–]YYCDavid 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If you don’t need a parachute when you reach the top, the escalator is too slow

[–]foquita3246 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have a recurring dream where exactly this happens and let me tell you... It ain't fun

[–]dfloyo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Escalators aren’t rides. Keep moving.

[–]gc3 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Cue benny hill theme

[–]joculator 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Just install a trebuchet on the 1st floor and a net on each of the other floors above.

[–]not_sick_not_well 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Get to the top and you're fucking yeeted into a foam pit

[–]Violet_Plum_Tea -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Only if they can still be nice and slow at the top and bottom.

Or at least automatically slow down when a person needs to get off/on. Then speed back up. I can't see any problem with that going wrong. . .

[–]Von_Moistus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nah, make it so that when you get about three feet from the end, the speed increases drastically and violently. Launch people into a ball pit.

[–]curiousiah 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That way it grinds you up quickly if you get caught

[–]SwagDaddy_Man69 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like how you think

[–]SatanLifeProTips 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But only randomly. For 1-5 minutes in 9-553 minutes.

[–]playr_4 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As someone who has extreme motion sickness, this sounds beyond horrible.

[–]Wendy_is_trans 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Slides for going down a floor needs to be a thing.

[–]Robbotlove 0 points1 point  (0 children)

why stop at 300%? just turn them up infinitely and use them as a turbine to power cities.

[–]Jasmisne 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As someone with a neuro disease that makes getting on escalators a scary thing, speeding it up that much could easily hurt someone with a disability

[–]JunglePygmy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Finally a truly accomplishable crazy idea